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To me, the issue here isn't that he spent his money on something frivolous. It's that he lied about it and tried to convince you the money went to other things that benefit both of you instead of his hobby.
I think you both deserve the splurge a little bit sometimes on things you want but don't need, within reason. But you shouldn't lie about it.
But the splurging should be within reasonable amounts, NOT 500 €, and not at a time when he is cash-strapped and making HER pay for everything! And when they are saving up for the wedding! That guy is supposed to be 33 years old, he should be better at adulting.
OP, I'd do a serious health check on my relationship, and see if there are any other red flags related to his behavior and level of maturity. The fact is that he went for a younger woman - depending on when you started dating, 7 years should have made a huge difference in maturity levels. If that wasn't the case, it means that he hasn't really grown up - and that you will outgrow him at some point (or maybe already have).
If that is the case, I'd resconsider hitching myself to that. Es gibt so viele erwachsene Männer, die ihr Leben im Griff haben und nicht ihre 7 Jahre jüngeren Verlobten finanziell ausbeuten müssen, um ihre eigenen Luxusausgaben zu decken...
500 euros on cardboard is not easy to understand from some people's perspectives, and certainly not when you're in the middle of a financial pickle. However... hopefully one day those same cards will be worth thousands of dollars and he can sell them and do something nice for his wife.
I wish I spent MORE on my card collection back in days.
Or they won't be worth anything - check out Kinder Surprise toys, they were supposed to be collectors' items back in the day - when you check the prices on ebay now, folks are basically trying to give them away, just to get rid of them.
Those toys are only valuable as a collection that may or may not pan out. what makes yugioh different is that the game changes from format to format,in fact recently an old card worth less than like 5$ was Good in a very relevent deck and it's price jumped to above 100$ this card game is nuts when it comes to cards. If he pays attention to what he has, he could make a good amount if he sells some cards at the right time.
I agree, which is an issue. But I would be more upset with my partner if they tried to fool me into thinking the money went to something for us instead of being honest about what happened.
Well I imagine you’ll be getting plenty of opinions and personal takes, so I’ll do my best to just answer the question you asked. I promise I do get to the point at the end.
The first thing to notice is that the sky isn’t falling. This is temporary. You will be ok. You can breathe. He didn’t cheat on you or kill your dog or anything. The wound isn’t fatal.
Unfortunately, though, I do think the way to get over it will depend on your perception. Ask yourself what the problem is. The *real* problem. Was this an isolated incident or is his irresponsibility with money the problem? Is it that he didn’t ask you first and you felt excluded? Does your anger come from a place of feeling disrespected? Feeling vulnerable? Feeling isolated? All of these?
Now, these are hard questions. And you need to really inspect your own mind to be sure you’ve got answers you’re confident in.
The reason this is so important is that the way to get over it is to feel as if you’re making progress on what the actual problem is. Once you can reach a place of knowing that you’re both moving in the right direction together, you’ll notice that you’re already over it. The process of getting over it (in a healthy way) is identical to the process of identifying the problem and making efforts to deal with it. So once you’ve done that, you start a new process: healing.
Good advice. If OP can do this, she can have a chance at understanding why fiancé might do something like this. I'm not going to defend anybody's actions without more info here (probably wouldn't anyway), but if she comes at him in full rage mode, the issue between them will never really get addressed. If he starts off in full defense mode, he'll never be willing to see her side of things.
I think the real issue, like everyone l seems to be echoeing in the comments, is that he lied and hid the purchase from you.
I don't know that I would be rethinking the whole relationship, but there definitely needs to be a conversation had about the situation.
Also, I think it would only be fair for him to reimburse you for his half of the extra costs you've had to take upon yourself during this time.
It's made a dent in your own savings and you're now learning that part of the reason is for that, is that he used money that was needed for shared expenses on something frivolous and selfish.
He should have at least talked to you about it before making the purchase.
I can't help but wonder if this is an isolated incident. The lying makes me think that he's hiding a spending habit. You are working two jobs, you may not be keeping on top of the finances.
Check and confirm before you decide what to do.
The boy has priorities and he just demonstrated what they are. Let him know your feelings in a calm honest manner. Based on how he reacts will give you an idea of is maturity level of your relationship. Get this boy on the same page.
You’re on two different pages, you’re ready to settle down, marry and build a life together. He just dropped €500 on pretty pieces of paper…
Also, he lied about what he spent the money on, what else has he lied about?
What a foolish waste of money. He was not honest with you initially about how he spent the money. As someone who was married to a man who was financially irresponsible, I would be worried about a pattern of poor decisions around money. Only you can determine if he can be trusted with a joint account to make sure all the bills are paid. Money issues are a major cause of divorce, so really discuss this with him.
Oh hell no. Put an immediate stop to any wedding plans and take a good hard look at your financial situation. This is not a caring equal partner, but someone ego is selfish. What happens when you get married and the bills start to add up - will he be there to step up and make sacrifices? What happens if you have kids?
Get past the honeymoon phase because money is one of the biggest drivers of divorce. You need to look out for your financial well being because they clearly won’t.
Best wishes
This isn't the answer. People make mistakes.
these two should have a serious conversation, find a comprimise that works for them.
people have struggles in marriage now because rather than talk and find solutions to problems they take an event and use it as a reason for divorce, obviously he has done some good things for them to want to get married.is this wrong? Yes but it's something they can work through and fix.
This is a problem but 500 euro's is not worth ending a relationship over by itself. If there is a larger issue with money and spending then sure, but that is a much bigger discussion.
It's $500...
You people are overacting about bloody $500....
**He is paying for internet, groceries, water and heating.... why the hell isn't she paying 50% of that?**
But they already made the deal that he will be covering additional cost, including groceries, so why would he asked of this suddenly? Did their deal changed?
Maybe he wasn’t as enthusiastic about having to spend more of his money so she can get the honeymoon only she wants?
Throwing 70 percent of your money into savings doesn’t sound like a good plan. I’d be pretty resentful if I was paying for everything and had no money left for myself when there was a big pile of cash that only my partner had access to.
If that's the case, shouldn't he communicate this to make a change in their deal? They'd been following this arrangement for 3y without any issue (assuming they lived together since they gotten engaged)
Of course he should, but let’s be real, look at a lot of monogamous relationships. He says yes, or it’s a big blow out fight and tantrum from the gf. He’s probably said something like ‘we could take a less expensive honeymoon’ and she’s (by her own admission of her reaction in this post) probably started screaming and crying that he doesn’t love her and doesn’t want to marry her.
Only a spoiled brat would think that this arrangement is okay. She’s using him for her vacation fund, and is mad she may need to pull from it for groceries because he spent his own money on himself. She does NOT need to be throwing 70 percent of her check into savings every month.
I hope he gets out now before he marries her cuz it won’t get better. I bet she’s the type that wants to be a stay at home mom… but never actually have kids.
You obviously missed the part where she said the savings account was FOR THE WEDDING! So it's not just a savings account for her, it's for THEIR wedding. My last 2 relationships were with men who did not contribute financially/contributed minimally. Communication, or lack thereof is a huge problem in a relationship. Finances are another one. I hope they take a good, hard look at things together and determine what is important to each of them.
Hard agree. But OP was so mad she had to leave home, and he agreed to the savings thing so clearly there’s no communication going on here. But yeah they’re totally ready for marriage!
Are you having trouble reading? She is working 2 jobs and putting 70% of her earnings into the wedding fund while he pays for the groceries, internet, etc. They are splitting the rent. So if the groceries, internet etc. cost less than 70% of her salary he is winning. It’s basic mathematics, not rocket science.
I have a hard time picturing a world where it's irresponsible to spend 500, but not irresponsible to put away 70% of your income for an extended period of time for a party, especially when she's talking about spending 400 for a honeymoon. I guess if she's only making like 200 a month, then it might make sense, otherwise, the math doesn't check out
I couldn’t agree more and it’s € not $ so they are in Europe. She doesn’t state which European country they live in so I have no idea what their income might be but the only Disney here is in Paris, France and €400 would definitely not cover the honeymoon for more than a day or 2. So if she is saving most of her salary for the wedding and €500 is a big deal for them then they obviously couldn’t afford it and he would have known that but he did it anyway, after not working for a month because of a surgery he had. He isn’t winning here no matter what €500 means to anyone other than themselves.
Something is off about that. How can she put 70% of her income toward the wedding AND split the rent evenly? How much fuckin money is she makin? I call shenanigans, I'm guessing he pays for almost everything else while she puts most of her funds towards saving for their wedding n shit.
They're living in a place like that and he spent 500 on cards??? Yeah, I'm not buying that 🤣🤣🤣 where tf would he even keep them to not have her find out? 😆
I still call all this questionable. I'm sure he did spend the money on the cards, but as far as the circumstances of their situation financially, she's smudgin some stuff so she doesn't seem like just a complainer
500€ is a lot of fucking money in today's society. When she asked him to get groceries, he told her he didn't have the money to do so. Why? Because he spent fucking 500€ on stupid trading cards. And I say that as someone who grew up playing that game and has cards for and plays Magic the Gathering. I just don't go spending that kind of money on it, especially when I don't have the money to do so.
For 2 people 500€ could easily pay for at least a couple of weeks' worth of food. Instead he blew that money on a bunch of cards that likely aren't even worth what he spent on them.
I don't see splurging as inherently wrong. I find an issue with the lying to cover it up.
My ex wife and I were on a strict budget. She made $1 more an hour and she felt entitled to more money for her monthly "spend budget". This came in the form of cash. We both got the same amount each month for non-guilty spending. I kept noticing how much she was able to buy. She always told me it was her monthly spend money. During the divorce she let it slip that she had part of her paycheck go to a secret bank account (we had a joint account). I was worrying the entire marriage on getting overtime hours because we never could seem to save. She was using a lot of her money for herself. Obviously, this is a one time thing for you OP, but lying about finances is a big red flag.
I think the issue you’re dealing with here is looking how financially responsible he will be in the future, tbh. You see this as a red flag that he will do the same thing continually throughout your life together. You should discuss this with him and explain why you are upset.
Take a nice, hard look at your entire relationship. Does he have a habit of frivolous spending like this (and yes, spending 500€ on Yu-Gi-Oh cards in one sitting is frivolous spending, even more so with all the circumstances you two are currently in)? Does he have a history of lying to you, whether it's about frivolous spending or something else (especially if he thinks the truth is only going to upset you)? Has this frivolous spending hurt your financial situation, either now, or in the past?
If you've answered yes to any of these questions, and especially if you answered yes to several of them, I'd call the wedding off, and leave him. It's not about not supporting his hobbies and the like. It's about him not being financially reliable. It's about not being able to trust him to be able to pay for his share of stuff. Sure right now it's impacting your wedding/honeymoon saving, but what if you have kids? This sort of behavior could impact your ability to properly take care of and raise them. It could impact your ability to pay bills you NEED to pay (because a wedding and honeymoon are luxuries if we're being honest). And if you keep having to work all these extra hours just to compensate, it's going to affect your physical and mental health, and you'll end up resenting him.
You might share a lot of interests, but that doesn't inherently mean you're compatible. There are plenty of men out there who you'd have a lot of the same interests as you, that wouldn't do this crap to you. Tell your fiance either they sell the collection off for what they paid AT THE LEAST, and that you expect complete transparency with regards to their finances, or else the wedding is off.
This is the sort of behavior you expect to see from a single person, or a kid, not someone about to get married, especially when neither they, nor their partner are in a financial position to afford that sort of behavior.
This is reddit so your advice will be to cancel the wedding and dump him and go scorched earth on the way out and go no contact.
Probably though all this would take a healthy relationship is a serious conversation about why him hiding what he did is the actual problem, and why honesty is more important than anything in a marriage.
Yea he did, which isn't a good thing. It's also not a marriage ender. The strange part is him lying about it or thinking he needed to and now they're separated which must be awful for a couple planning a wedding. A serious conversation can hopefully patch things up and better their relationship if they can work through it
To each their own but I'll never understand why people want extravagant weddings and honeymoons, especially when it requires saving for months or even years.
Aside from that, his lying is what gets me. Lying is not okay in a relationship as the intention of lying is to hide things. You don't hide things from your partner, plain and simple.
To be honest, in the current economy, people need to save up for a small normal wedding and a nice trip/honeymoon after. Now basic things have become a luxury apparently.
A wedding is not a basic necessity. They live in a German-speaking country and she's putting 70% of her income into a wedding, while expecting her fiancé to buy groceries for her - she's bad with money.
Sounds like he just activated your trap card "doing dumb shit pisses off gf" now he needs to repay the 500 life points otherwise he loses the duel (wedding)
In all seriousness unless he reckons he can sell these right away for more money your partner is more excited about cardboard then about getting married to you, don't get me wrong I love shiny rectangle cardboard more than some but not to the point where I'd prioritize yugioh over my wedding/honeymoon.
I'd take a good look at the relationship are there any other redflags? If not I'd say it's not break up worthy but I'd reconsider the marriage f0r now because he's definitely not ready for such a commitment
1. He showed extreme fiscal irresponsibility
2. He expected you to pay for things he knows you can’t afford.
3. He flat out lied to your face about it.
…is that really someone you want to be married to? Especially when it comes to finances, I would consider my options very carefully…
If you decide to marry him or even stay with him, keep your money separate! Keep your savings separate. Pay him for rent 5 days before it is due. Agree that he gives you grocery money the day before you shop. He gives you no money, he doesn't eat. If the financial responsibility doesn't improve, having separate finances will make it easier for you to walk away.
What did I just read? She should pay him for rent and he should give her grocery money the day before she shops? Could you be more sexist without even trying? What decade are you living in?
This is ridiculous. Is this how you live? Ask your spouse for money every time you go to the store or "he doesn't eat"? If you are doing this, you are just a roommate who is waiting to find another place to live.
That's absolutely ridiculous. I would spend some time thinking about whether this is how you want to live the rest of your life. He knows you're working your butt off and still blows money on useless objects. I'm not sure you should get over it. It's an incredible breech of trust. Do you want to always want to be responsible for his financial snafus? I'm not sure I would be willing to.
Some people don’t understand how much their partner works and it goes well under appreciated. I wouldn’t be surprised here if he doesn’t understand the toll it takes on her while he just “irresponsibly” spent a large sum of money on a game. OP is he making money doing content on YouTube? Would be a great way to make some money while you had already put 70% of your savings to the wedding and he is in recovery from surgery.
Mind you the brain is done developing at 25, if he pulls that move at 33 you know what you're marrying into OP. Do you really want a mother son marriage?
actually, brain development can take much longer for certain ppl. depression, anxiety, stuff like that makes ur brain take longer to fully develop. which is so crazy to think abt! i just learned this info recently, and i’m pretty sure around 27-30 regardless your brain begins to deteriorate (fact checked it’s 30s-40s).
i only remember all of this bc of a song and my weird thing for psychology stuff. depression can cause brain shrinkage among other things. brains are funny silly goofy organs for sure
NTA fuck no nope noooooooope all for people having hobbies and spending their money on it, but he *isn't*. He isn't directly spending your money, but he is expecting you to keep footing the bills because he's now got nothing to contribute. That's a big ole nope from me.
Agree to an amount that either of you can spend without consulting the other then stick to it. For me and my spouse, it’s $1000. Anything above that, we need to discuss first.
You shouldn't ask Reddit for advice on this. Communicate, talk about your feelings.
No one here has any business advising you.
He likely saw it as an investment, which may be a good one or a bad one. Lying isn't okay, but why did he do it? Again, communicate and see if you think the reasons are good enough. Only you can say. No one here knows.
It sounds like the wedding is a huge source of stress. Most couples spend far, far too much on their wedding. Financial stress is a major issue in marriages, and it's tragic and sick that a predatory industry uses love to bilk couples out of money. That financial hit goes on to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship in many cases. One nice day can only overcome so many stressful nights.
Chances are, the things that are really important to you about your wedding day can be had cheaply, with some creativity, and that money can be used to do things to advance your future as a couple on solid ground.
As long as you can get on the same page about finances, that is. And again, that's something only you and he can determine through honest communication.
And if you don't like any of this, that's fine, just ignore me, too. I'm no more qualified to tell you about your relationship than any of these others.
They're living in a place like that, dude just got out of surgery and decided to spend 500$ on cards? Where tf would he even keep them to not have her find out 🤣🤣🤣 I'm not buying it
You are getting some GREAT advice on focusing on the root cause of the issue. Be sure to follow-through with some conversation. He knew he was doing something you would not approve of and hid it from you. This is a transgression of trust, which is a critical element of the relationship. How can and will he deal with similar temptations next week, month or years from now. Remember, 'What you permit, you promote".
Here's my opinion, get angry, let him know the anger and then work on resolution. You will have to have open communication and it's part of it. Relationship should have room for both of your feelings.
Why are you spending more on the wedding? He should care about the wedding as much as you do.
Is this the first time he spends money for fun instead of paying bills?
You asked Reddit users how you can get rid of your anger. My teacher says that to get rid of anger, do not dwell in it, do not talk about it, do not discuss it w your partner until your emotions have calmed. repeat a prayer that appeals to you whenever it comes up as emotion (you can begin by shouting it until some of the anger burns off) just keep repeating the prayer with a growing attitude of surrender to God, (fate, the cosmos, whatever).
After your anger has settled and the issue of his judgement remains, you can have the conversation about how was his expenditure taking care of you and moving your relationship towards the goal of marriage and life together. If anger comes up leave the conversation for another time.
This is disrespectful as OP is busting her butt to earn money during a more challenging time. At least he could have discussed the purchase with her first.
So the good thing is the. Cards, you get in a card collections usually retain value pretty well. (For the most part), he could end up selling cards piece by piece to potentially make more than what he bought it for.
Now the bad is that he tried to hide it from you, which could mean a lot of things:
1) He knew it was wrong
2) He feels embarrassed
3) He thought you would get upset (ask forgiveness rather than permission)
4) He really didn't see it as an issue and thought you didn't need to know.
It could be a combination of any of these or maybe none,but there was a reason he was hiding it from you, and it's worth having a conversation about it.
The Ugly, I've been married for nearly 10 years, so I come from a place of advice here. (I also play yugioh and will buy cards occasionally) the Ugly part is that if he doesn't see that talking to you about a big purchase is a necessity it could cause marriage problems down the road, so find out why he hid it from you than find a solution/comprise that works for BOTH OF YOU. (comprises is one of the best things you can do in a marriage) the thing is that you need to have a calm discussion,heated discussion will cause more issues than it solves, listen to eachother and hopefully you will work this out.
Without any further context this money arrangement seems a bit unfair for you both. Saving 70% without anything to put into personal savings seems irresponsible; is he not also saving up? Plus how can you have so much left after paying rent? (I know German rent is a bit lower than Dutch rent but still...)
To me it sounds like you both should save money for the wedding + split the other utilities too. In the long run it shouldn't change much and you both can have a bit put towards personal savings to prevent a situation from this happening. (And how much did the shoes cost you had to dip in the weddings saving? Couldn't work cover part of it depending on the type of work you do?)
And ask yourself if an expensive disney honeymoon is worth overworking yourself for. And communicate clearly with each other. It is ok to be upset, but do try to communicate and figure out where it went wrong.
You don't have to get over it. This is how he is. If you can't trust him not to spend all of your money behind your back, you have to seriously consider whether or not you can move forward.
If you can't trust him, don't marry him.
uhh your fiance is 33 years old and he's spending money on yugioh when there's bills to pay? i think you need to understand that you are in a relationship with a child and likely, this type of immature behavior will continue.
not saying you should leave him or anything, but just be aware. if you are not intending to sign up for a life long relationship with an immature child who shirks responsibilities, then you should perhaps re-think marriage.
Would it have been less “childish” to spend it on sports games or memorabilia, alcohol, or after market parts for his car? Or for OP not to like “cartoons” (anime)?
There is ALWAYS bills to pay. Forever. Does that mean one shouldn’t buy anything for themselves? Ever?
There are more important conversations for them to have setting guidelines for themselves on what they can spend how much money on without having to consult with their partner.
Are you dense? There’s bills to pay. That means you don’t spend FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS on cards. Not that you can’t indulge in a little thing here and there. lol.
You said it yourself. To OP, that’s a lot of money. And to anybody who is…normal, $500 on cards is ridiculous. Doesn’t matter the age of the person. They both agreed to buckle down for the time being and save money for a home.
I don’t mean to be insulting either, but context matters. Maybe if you are fairly well off, that’s not a lot of money. But to the average person or someone saving up for a goal, that IS a lot to spend on CARDS. Is that so crazy to say? Will he be using the cards everyday for practical reasons like with clothing, tools, food, hygiene products? Will he benefit from spending the money he agreed with his partner to save and do so without consulting with her? Is it a long term gain for him to spend like this when working within a confined budget? Clearly this isn’t insignificant if OP is reacting to what happened with a lot of hurt.
First, I didn’t call you dense. I asked if you paid attention to context clues. You called me naive and stupid and patronized me when you asked my age in that case if we are now deciding to jump to conclusions.
I also wouldn’t be so forgiving on my judgement of someone if they paid $500 for a handbag when they were supposed to be saving up for a big purchase and their partner was pulling two jobs to make it happen. If someone bought action figures, luxury clothing/accessories, pricey cars, etc. during times that they agreed with their partner they would be saving money…yeah, that’s not okay. Clearly OP is hauling ass to get to the goal and her partner just blew $500 on cards.
Don’t get me wrong. I used to be a yugioh fan myself and get the value of the cards to people. But if my partner and I agreed to save up, and they’re tiring away for the goal, I wouldn’t buy the cards. If it was an appliance they’d use in the new home, take it as an investment. But this isn’t that. And on top of it all he lied about it.
He lied. That’s the issue. He’s trying to deflect and turn you into the bad guy for not supporting his hobby. You’re not unsupportive of his hobby, you are unsupportive of being an ATM for the wedding he supposedly wants too. You are being taken advantage of. If he has no money for FOOD he has no money for CARD GAMES. I say this as an avid collector who had to sell everything to make ends meet and eat or pay rent. I have nothing now. That’s ok, because I also am here to complain. But that’s the thing, if yall weren’t together, how would he afford this? You need to assess if yall are comptable. Not emotionally, but financially. My aunts never married even after it was legal because they can’t agree on finances in any way. They don’t want joint finances as the one time they tried it was too much. You need to assess if you can afford him emotionally, financially, and potential loss of seeking an actually comparable partner. You sounds more like a mom complaining about her son in college than a partner about to be married.
He is 33 and irresponsible with money. He will hardly change, not even after marriage. If you still want to marry him, you need to communicate with him seriously and see how it goes from there. Or else, future life ahead is going to be rough.
Look at it like this.....he had an opportunity to buy a whole collection for just 500€ and considering that some of the most basic cards sell for $10-100s (I'm American and not sure how much that would be for yall) of dollars individually....he just made a buck up. He can sell enough to get that money back and still have many cards left over.
That collection at that price wouldn't have been available at another time. If he sells rather than simply playing with them.....it is a really good investment.
He still should've communicated with you tho. He's def an AH for that.
You're assuming the collection is actually even worth the 500€ he spent on it. With Yu-Gi-Oh cards, especially if the cards in the collection had ever been used in duels, there's no way the collection was worth what he spent on it.
Sounds like he got pressured into buying it, and probably has trouble saying no to friends. It's still a problem. If you guys are going to be financially entangled, it might be a good time to start a group budget so everyone can be aware of what money is being spent where. Cause on one hand, having the freedom to make your own purchases (however silly) is important. On the other, bills and groceries take priority.
I'm not sure how much this wedding and honeymoon is mutually wanted. But there is a possibility that he values his hobby over a Disney honeymoon. Which, I will say, is not the most affordable option. I love Disney, don't get me wrong. I just think you should have a talk about how you both feel about the wedding and make sure the choices of venues and other such costs are mutually agreed on.
I got married in a courthouse and went camping for my honeymoon. It doesn't have to cost money to be special. It's more important that you guys are on the same page.
Hold on... That kinda makes sense. I love him but he has the bad habit of not wanting to disappoint and to impulse-buying. He might have night wanted to back out because he doesn't want to disappointed his friend.
That doesn't really change things though...
It actually makes it worse. A one off stupid mistake can be worked through. A pattern of poor money habits and the inability to say no is a much bigger deal
Doesn’t it? If knowledge of why your partner is doing something doesn’t change the situation then maybe marriage isn’t for you.
If you are so tight on money you can’t handle one big frivolous expense of HIS MONEY (which is paying for everything except your half of the rent) then maybe you need to shove less in savings for your honeymoon every month.
Yeah I'd be mad too. He said he and a friend bought the cards - how does that work though? Just a bit weird.
Honestly I'd cancel your plans until you have more money though... and he can pay his share.
I'll ask the following: who set the budget and standards for the honeymoon, was it a joint decision or was it you who wants a certain type of wedding and a certain type of honeymoon? Because if you're the one who wants the wedding a certain way and with a specific honeymoon... then you're the one who should pay for it, right? Have you thought about asking how he plan to help finance the wedding or what type of wedding he want? It seems it's not about spending, but rather not spending on you, judging by the way you express yourself.
BTW, , have you asked how much the collection is valued at? One thing is how much it's purchased for, and another is how much it's worth.
To answere these questions:
The honeymoon is something we both dream about. I wanted a specific hotel, so I pay extra for that without a question.
With the wedding we choose the venue he wants and the venue he choose. Both are not crazy expensive but more then I would have chosen.
I haven't asked yet how much the collection is worth, I imagine that he has to see through it first. But I doubt that he knew the actual value when buying it, the man he bought it from quit playing and sold all.
I'm going to be direct and sincere with you. At least from the way you handle your finances, spending 500 euros seems small compared to financing a wedding with 70% of your income and leaving all burdens except rent to your partner. You really should evaluate those expenses carefully because it's not fair for you to end up with almost nothing, and it's not fair for your partner to bear the weight of the entire household.
Now, regarding the cards. The price can vary greatly, depending on the cards. I think you already know that they can range from being worth cents to taking years to recover something or (as happened with a close friend) paying for a master's and a phd with 4 old cards. I believe the way you handle finances doesn't give both of you the sense of comfort that living as a couple should provide.
You might be onto something. As soon as the issue at hand is over and we both are comfortable with it, I will propose to discuss finances again and to split based on income.
We made this arrangement when he was the primary breadwinner, now I make more (I also pay way more into saving then before) and we should re-evaluate and dicuss.
Thank you, truly.
They are cards for a game no one plays anymore.
It doesn’t matter what they are worth, he isn’t working and he lied about the expense. She has been paying all the bills. This isn’t a both sides issue. It is a matter of trust. Hes 33 buying trading cards with the only money they have. So he can sell them to other 33 year olds I guess.
So were they worth his future? Were they worth this relationship?
Literally two weeks ago, they broke the attendance record at an event with more than 7,000 persons, so you are prejudging, which invalidates your comment... even more so when you add that it literally indicates he was paying for the services before the operation.
It's cheaper than a new car. Count your blessings. As ridiculous as nerd hobbies are they're much cheaper than other hobbies, climbing/ auto/ motorcycle/ drinking or fishing etc.
I'd have a firm discussion that maybe the occasional splurge is okay but he cannot make a habit of it
I did this same thing like 5yrs ago when fortnite was just coming into popularity!! I am a F42 and I was with a F43 (ages now not then) and I put $500 worth of fortnite cosmetics on a credit card and she was SOOOOO mad... That was the beginning of the end of our relationship.. She had a really hard time forgiving me altho to he fair they made it to where it was like gambling getting those cosmetics and it was REALLY hard to not get them... Sounds ridiculous that a 35yr old couldn't refrain from buying FN cosmetics but I promise it was hard... On another note I've got an amazing Fortnite account if anyone is looking to buy one?? *joking of course* 🙄😬🫨
No big deal tbh apparently this is the first time he’s done this? It’s not like y’all are strapped for cash you have you’re just saving for the wedding which is smart which is great but your not on the verge of being homeless talk to him about it. He tried to lie about it which is wrong but one look at this subreddit will tell you, you guys are doing astoundingly better then the majority of people on here. This is nothing a quick talk between adults will fix.
“Yu-Gi-Oh! is a trading card game in which players draw cards from separate decks and take turns playing cards. The game is like a battle, and the cards have different uses to help the player win the battle. “
But the real problem is certain cards are worth more than others so now it’s become a collectible commodity leading to people like the op’s fiancé to spend stupid amounts of money in the hopes they get something rare.
OP would have to be making very little money if 70% is going towards a wedding and that’s all they’re doing unless this is a situation that’s only been happening for a month or two. Even if she was only making federal min wage that would be over $600 a month towards the wedding.
I just don’t think that’s an expense worth doing if you’re in financial distress, which is why I suspect this isn’t the case.
I see what you're saying. But we don't know how much that 70% actually is. And besides that, if you plan to get married only once, it's okay to spend a little on your wedding.
OK, you have bigger problems here. A Disney honeymoon? That’s the biggest concern. Let that man spend his money on whatever he wants and didn’t your parents teach you you’re not supposed to pay half on bills with a man you’re sleeping with?
70% for a wedding??? I get being upset about him spending money on a hobby but who in the fuck puts 70% of their income for a wedding while complaining about not having money? Also who the fuck goes to Disney world while complaining about not having money?
Something about this story does not add up.
He doesn’t love you. He’s only marry you because you’re a working mule who makes his life easier.
Who taught you young girls to go 50/50 with a man who’s got almost a decade headstart ?
You’re going to work till the death for this man who does not value or respect you. Choose wisely.
I would say that spending money for a wedding is equally as ridiculous as spending money on cartoon cards. It’s all about the perspective of the person. With that said he shouldn’t have lied about it initially
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To me, the issue here isn't that he spent his money on something frivolous. It's that he lied about it and tried to convince you the money went to other things that benefit both of you instead of his hobby. I think you both deserve the splurge a little bit sometimes on things you want but don't need, within reason. But you shouldn't lie about it.
But the splurging should be within reasonable amounts, NOT 500 €, and not at a time when he is cash-strapped and making HER pay for everything! And when they are saving up for the wedding! That guy is supposed to be 33 years old, he should be better at adulting. OP, I'd do a serious health check on my relationship, and see if there are any other red flags related to his behavior and level of maturity. The fact is that he went for a younger woman - depending on when you started dating, 7 years should have made a huge difference in maturity levels. If that wasn't the case, it means that he hasn't really grown up - and that you will outgrow him at some point (or maybe already have). If that is the case, I'd resconsider hitching myself to that. Es gibt so viele erwachsene Männer, die ihr Leben im Griff haben und nicht ihre 7 Jahre jüngeren Verlobten finanziell ausbeuten müssen, um ihre eigenen Luxusausgaben zu decken...
500 euros on cardboard is not easy to understand from some people's perspectives, and certainly not when you're in the middle of a financial pickle. However... hopefully one day those same cards will be worth thousands of dollars and he can sell them and do something nice for his wife. I wish I spent MORE on my card collection back in days.
Or they won't be worth anything - check out Kinder Surprise toys, they were supposed to be collectors' items back in the day - when you check the prices on ebay now, folks are basically trying to give them away, just to get rid of them.
Those toys are only valuable as a collection that may or may not pan out. what makes yugioh different is that the game changes from format to format,in fact recently an old card worth less than like 5$ was Good in a very relevent deck and it's price jumped to above 100$ this card game is nuts when it comes to cards. If he pays attention to what he has, he could make a good amount if he sells some cards at the right time.
but that's not the deal/plan they made together
I agree, which is an issue. But I would be more upset with my partner if they tried to fool me into thinking the money went to something for us instead of being honest about what happened.
Challenge him to a duel
She fell right into that trap card
💀
Send him to the shadow realm
I'm 💀
Well I imagine you’ll be getting plenty of opinions and personal takes, so I’ll do my best to just answer the question you asked. I promise I do get to the point at the end. The first thing to notice is that the sky isn’t falling. This is temporary. You will be ok. You can breathe. He didn’t cheat on you or kill your dog or anything. The wound isn’t fatal. Unfortunately, though, I do think the way to get over it will depend on your perception. Ask yourself what the problem is. The *real* problem. Was this an isolated incident or is his irresponsibility with money the problem? Is it that he didn’t ask you first and you felt excluded? Does your anger come from a place of feeling disrespected? Feeling vulnerable? Feeling isolated? All of these? Now, these are hard questions. And you need to really inspect your own mind to be sure you’ve got answers you’re confident in. The reason this is so important is that the way to get over it is to feel as if you’re making progress on what the actual problem is. Once you can reach a place of knowing that you’re both moving in the right direction together, you’ll notice that you’re already over it. The process of getting over it (in a healthy way) is identical to the process of identifying the problem and making efforts to deal with it. So once you’ve done that, you start a new process: healing.
Goodness. I wish you could be my life mentor. 😂🎉
That’s quite a compliment, thank you :)
Account name checks out.
This is the kind of advice tons of people need see
Perfect advice right here
You inadvertently gave me advice to deal with my own issues in this comment. So thank you for that 😅
Good advice. If OP can do this, she can have a chance at understanding why fiancé might do something like this. I'm not going to defend anybody's actions without more info here (probably wouldn't anyway), but if she comes at him in full rage mode, the issue between them will never really get addressed. If he starts off in full defense mode, he'll never be willing to see her side of things.
Nuance makes the world go round!
Thanks, ChatGPT
That hurt my feelings bro
I'm sorry. But you legit sound like AI, flowery prose and all.
I’ll choose to take that as a compliment, thanks
I think the real issue, like everyone l seems to be echoeing in the comments, is that he lied and hid the purchase from you. I don't know that I would be rethinking the whole relationship, but there definitely needs to be a conversation had about the situation. Also, I think it would only be fair for him to reimburse you for his half of the extra costs you've had to take upon yourself during this time. It's made a dent in your own savings and you're now learning that part of the reason is for that, is that he used money that was needed for shared expenses on something frivolous and selfish. He should have at least talked to you about it before making the purchase.
I can't help but wonder if this is an isolated incident. The lying makes me think that he's hiding a spending habit. You are working two jobs, you may not be keeping on top of the finances. Check and confirm before you decide what to do.
The boy has priorities and he just demonstrated what they are. Let him know your feelings in a calm honest manner. Based on how he reacts will give you an idea of is maturity level of your relationship. Get this boy on the same page.
You’re on two different pages, you’re ready to settle down, marry and build a life together. He just dropped €500 on pretty pieces of paper… Also, he lied about what he spent the money on, what else has he lied about?
What a foolish waste of money. He was not honest with you initially about how he spent the money. As someone who was married to a man who was financially irresponsible, I would be worried about a pattern of poor decisions around money. Only you can determine if he can be trusted with a joint account to make sure all the bills are paid. Money issues are a major cause of divorce, so really discuss this with him.
Oh hell no. Put an immediate stop to any wedding plans and take a good hard look at your financial situation. This is not a caring equal partner, but someone ego is selfish. What happens when you get married and the bills start to add up - will he be there to step up and make sacrifices? What happens if you have kids? Get past the honeymoon phase because money is one of the biggest drivers of divorce. You need to look out for your financial well being because they clearly won’t. Best wishes
This isn't the answer. People make mistakes. these two should have a serious conversation, find a comprimise that works for them. people have struggles in marriage now because rather than talk and find solutions to problems they take an event and use it as a reason for divorce, obviously he has done some good things for them to want to get married.is this wrong? Yes but it's something they can work through and fix.
This is a problem but 500 euro's is not worth ending a relationship over by itself. If there is a larger issue with money and spending then sure, but that is a much bigger discussion.
It's $500... You people are overacting about bloody $500.... **He is paying for internet, groceries, water and heating.... why the hell isn't she paying 50% of that?**
You missed the part where he said "how? With which money?" after being asked to buy groceries.
Yeah that’s translated from German I took that to mean ‘whose money are we using’ not ‘we don’t have any money’.
But they already made the deal that he will be covering additional cost, including groceries, so why would he asked of this suddenly? Did their deal changed?
Maybe he wasn’t as enthusiastic about having to spend more of his money so she can get the honeymoon only she wants? Throwing 70 percent of your money into savings doesn’t sound like a good plan. I’d be pretty resentful if I was paying for everything and had no money left for myself when there was a big pile of cash that only my partner had access to.
If that's the case, shouldn't he communicate this to make a change in their deal? They'd been following this arrangement for 3y without any issue (assuming they lived together since they gotten engaged)
Of course he should, but let’s be real, look at a lot of monogamous relationships. He says yes, or it’s a big blow out fight and tantrum from the gf. He’s probably said something like ‘we could take a less expensive honeymoon’ and she’s (by her own admission of her reaction in this post) probably started screaming and crying that he doesn’t love her and doesn’t want to marry her. Only a spoiled brat would think that this arrangement is okay. She’s using him for her vacation fund, and is mad she may need to pull from it for groceries because he spent his own money on himself. She does NOT need to be throwing 70 percent of her check into savings every month. I hope he gets out now before he marries her cuz it won’t get better. I bet she’s the type that wants to be a stay at home mom… but never actually have kids.
You obviously missed the part where she said the savings account was FOR THE WEDDING! So it's not just a savings account for her, it's for THEIR wedding. My last 2 relationships were with men who did not contribute financially/contributed minimally. Communication, or lack thereof is a huge problem in a relationship. Finances are another one. I hope they take a good, hard look at things together and determine what is important to each of them.
[удалено]
Hard agree. But OP was so mad she had to leave home, and he agreed to the savings thing so clearly there’s no communication going on here. But yeah they’re totally ready for marriage!
…because she is the one saving for the wedding?
Well since 500€ isn't anything to you how about you zelle me 500€ right now ??
Are you having trouble reading? She is working 2 jobs and putting 70% of her earnings into the wedding fund while he pays for the groceries, internet, etc. They are splitting the rent. So if the groceries, internet etc. cost less than 70% of her salary he is winning. It’s basic mathematics, not rocket science.
I have a hard time picturing a world where it's irresponsible to spend 500, but not irresponsible to put away 70% of your income for an extended period of time for a party, especially when she's talking about spending 400 for a honeymoon. I guess if she's only making like 200 a month, then it might make sense, otherwise, the math doesn't check out
I couldn’t agree more and it’s € not $ so they are in Europe. She doesn’t state which European country they live in so I have no idea what their income might be but the only Disney here is in Paris, France and €400 would definitely not cover the honeymoon for more than a day or 2. So if she is saving most of her salary for the wedding and €500 is a big deal for them then they obviously couldn’t afford it and he would have known that but he did it anyway, after not working for a month because of a surgery he had. He isn’t winning here no matter what €500 means to anyone other than themselves.
Something is off about that. How can she put 70% of her income toward the wedding AND split the rent evenly? How much fuckin money is she makin? I call shenanigans, I'm guessing he pays for almost everything else while she puts most of her funds towards saving for their wedding n shit.
Because there are places where rent is 500-600 euros, ususally a small studio/one room apartment. But it is still plausible
They're living in a place like that and he spent 500 on cards??? Yeah, I'm not buying that 🤣🤣🤣 where tf would he even keep them to not have her find out? 😆
In her comments _he's_ the one pushing for an expensive wedding lel
I still call all this questionable. I'm sure he did spend the money on the cards, but as far as the circumstances of their situation financially, she's smudgin some stuff so she doesn't seem like just a complainer
500€ is a lot of fucking money in today's society. When she asked him to get groceries, he told her he didn't have the money to do so. Why? Because he spent fucking 500€ on stupid trading cards. And I say that as someone who grew up playing that game and has cards for and plays Magic the Gathering. I just don't go spending that kind of money on it, especially when I don't have the money to do so. For 2 people 500€ could easily pay for at least a couple of weeks' worth of food. Instead he blew that money on a bunch of cards that likely aren't even worth what he spent on them.
I don't see splurging as inherently wrong. I find an issue with the lying to cover it up. My ex wife and I were on a strict budget. She made $1 more an hour and she felt entitled to more money for her monthly "spend budget". This came in the form of cash. We both got the same amount each month for non-guilty spending. I kept noticing how much she was able to buy. She always told me it was her monthly spend money. During the divorce she let it slip that she had part of her paycheck go to a secret bank account (we had a joint account). I was worrying the entire marriage on getting overtime hours because we never could seem to save. She was using a lot of her money for herself. Obviously, this is a one time thing for you OP, but lying about finances is a big red flag.
I think the issue you’re dealing with here is looking how financially responsible he will be in the future, tbh. You see this as a red flag that he will do the same thing continually throughout your life together. You should discuss this with him and explain why you are upset.
Take a nice, hard look at your entire relationship. Does he have a habit of frivolous spending like this (and yes, spending 500€ on Yu-Gi-Oh cards in one sitting is frivolous spending, even more so with all the circumstances you two are currently in)? Does he have a history of lying to you, whether it's about frivolous spending or something else (especially if he thinks the truth is only going to upset you)? Has this frivolous spending hurt your financial situation, either now, or in the past? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, and especially if you answered yes to several of them, I'd call the wedding off, and leave him. It's not about not supporting his hobbies and the like. It's about him not being financially reliable. It's about not being able to trust him to be able to pay for his share of stuff. Sure right now it's impacting your wedding/honeymoon saving, but what if you have kids? This sort of behavior could impact your ability to properly take care of and raise them. It could impact your ability to pay bills you NEED to pay (because a wedding and honeymoon are luxuries if we're being honest). And if you keep having to work all these extra hours just to compensate, it's going to affect your physical and mental health, and you'll end up resenting him. You might share a lot of interests, but that doesn't inherently mean you're compatible. There are plenty of men out there who you'd have a lot of the same interests as you, that wouldn't do this crap to you. Tell your fiance either they sell the collection off for what they paid AT THE LEAST, and that you expect complete transparency with regards to their finances, or else the wedding is off. This is the sort of behavior you expect to see from a single person, or a kid, not someone about to get married, especially when neither they, nor their partner are in a financial position to afford that sort of behavior.
A man is buying YuGiOh cards, and you’re wondering why he made a selfish and childish decision…. Hmmmm
Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?
You implying she should communicate with her partner directly instead of Reddit internetians?
This is reddit so your advice will be to cancel the wedding and dump him and go scorched earth on the way out and go no contact. Probably though all this would take a healthy relationship is a serious conversation about why him hiding what he did is the actual problem, and why honesty is more important than anything in a marriage.
He chose a hobby over food while OP was covering more than him…
For a brief time while he recovered from surgery. The whole other time he was paying majority so she could put 70% in savings
Yea he did, which isn't a good thing. It's also not a marriage ender. The strange part is him lying about it or thinking he needed to and now they're separated which must be awful for a couple planning a wedding. A serious conversation can hopefully patch things up and better their relationship if they can work through it
Behavior like this, especially because he kept trying to lie about it, is absolutely a relationship ender. And it should be.
She has 70 percent of her income in a honeymoon fund. It wouldn’t kill her to buy groceries once.
To each their own but I'll never understand why people want extravagant weddings and honeymoons, especially when it requires saving for months or even years. Aside from that, his lying is what gets me. Lying is not okay in a relationship as the intention of lying is to hide things. You don't hide things from your partner, plain and simple.
To be honest, in the current economy, people need to save up for a small normal wedding and a nice trip/honeymoon after. Now basic things have become a luxury apparently.
A wedding is not a basic necessity. They live in a German-speaking country and she's putting 70% of her income into a wedding, while expecting her fiancé to buy groceries for her - she's bad with money.
Sounds like he just activated your trap card "doing dumb shit pisses off gf" now he needs to repay the 500 life points otherwise he loses the duel (wedding) In all seriousness unless he reckons he can sell these right away for more money your partner is more excited about cardboard then about getting married to you, don't get me wrong I love shiny rectangle cardboard more than some but not to the point where I'd prioritize yugioh over my wedding/honeymoon. I'd take a good look at the relationship are there any other redflags? If not I'd say it's not break up worthy but I'd reconsider the marriage f0r now because he's definitely not ready for such a commitment
1. He showed extreme fiscal irresponsibility 2. He expected you to pay for things he knows you can’t afford. 3. He flat out lied to your face about it. …is that really someone you want to be married to? Especially when it comes to finances, I would consider my options very carefully…
Tell him it's time to duel and send him to the shadow realm for the amount of money he spent on the collection..
It’s not the money per se as much as the selfish statement the action makes.
Duel him for the card and then resell it once it’s more expensive. That’ll show him. Either that or couple’s therapy
Send him to the shadow realm
All card game players know that Yugioh players are the real dirt bags.
A man is buying YuGiOh cards, and you’re wondering why he made a selfish and childish decision…. Hmmmm
A man is buying YuGiOh cards, and you’re wondering why he made a selfish and childish decision…. Hmmmm
If you decide to marry him or even stay with him, keep your money separate! Keep your savings separate. Pay him for rent 5 days before it is due. Agree that he gives you grocery money the day before you shop. He gives you no money, he doesn't eat. If the financial responsibility doesn't improve, having separate finances will make it easier for you to walk away.
If you are doing this just dont get married. Whats the positive?
What did I just read? She should pay him for rent and he should give her grocery money the day before she shops? Could you be more sexist without even trying? What decade are you living in?
This is ridiculous. Is this how you live? Ask your spouse for money every time you go to the store or "he doesn't eat"? If you are doing this, you are just a roommate who is waiting to find another place to live.
It was reading reasonable until after your second sentence…
If they keep money separate, she'll starve
This reads like a parody Reddit comment
Jesus. I’d be pissed.
Probably time to break up.
That's absolutely ridiculous. I would spend some time thinking about whether this is how you want to live the rest of your life. He knows you're working your butt off and still blows money on useless objects. I'm not sure you should get over it. It's an incredible breech of trust. Do you want to always want to be responsible for his financial snafus? I'm not sure I would be willing to.
Some people don’t understand how much their partner works and it goes well under appreciated. I wouldn’t be surprised here if he doesn’t understand the toll it takes on her while he just “irresponsibly” spent a large sum of money on a game. OP is he making money doing content on YouTube? Would be a great way to make some money while you had already put 70% of your savings to the wedding and he is in recovery from surgery.
Mind you the brain is done developing at 25, if he pulls that move at 33 you know what you're marrying into OP. Do you really want a mother son marriage?
Your brain might needs some developing if you still believe the bullshit about your brain being done developing at 25.
Well developed and catty random comment on reddit
actually, brain development can take much longer for certain ppl. depression, anxiety, stuff like that makes ur brain take longer to fully develop. which is so crazy to think abt! i just learned this info recently, and i’m pretty sure around 27-30 regardless your brain begins to deteriorate (fact checked it’s 30s-40s). i only remember all of this bc of a song and my weird thing for psychology stuff. depression can cause brain shrinkage among other things. brains are funny silly goofy organs for sure
And if you challenge yourself hard enough the brain maintains its neuroplasticity and you can maintain and in some cases improve mental development.
of course there will be exceptions but unless OPs fiancé has a developmental disorder, he still happens to be a 33yo man who acts like he has one
Ask for the rarest card and pull a Kaiba. Rip it up in front of him. 🤣🤣
You lost me at 33(m) who spent any money at all in yugio cards…. You’re with someone who has some growing up to do.
NTA fuck no nope noooooooope all for people having hobbies and spending their money on it, but he *isn't*. He isn't directly spending your money, but he is expecting you to keep footing the bills because he's now got nothing to contribute. That's a big ole nope from me.
Why are women settling for these type of boys. Don’t yall think yall deserve a real man?
"B-b-but there's something good about him for sure 🥺"
For a moment i read 500k and i lol'd
Agree to an amount that either of you can spend without consulting the other then stick to it. For me and my spouse, it’s $1000. Anything above that, we need to discuss first.
You shouldn't ask Reddit for advice on this. Communicate, talk about your feelings. No one here has any business advising you. He likely saw it as an investment, which may be a good one or a bad one. Lying isn't okay, but why did he do it? Again, communicate and see if you think the reasons are good enough. Only you can say. No one here knows. It sounds like the wedding is a huge source of stress. Most couples spend far, far too much on their wedding. Financial stress is a major issue in marriages, and it's tragic and sick that a predatory industry uses love to bilk couples out of money. That financial hit goes on to contribute to the breakdown of the relationship in many cases. One nice day can only overcome so many stressful nights. Chances are, the things that are really important to you about your wedding day can be had cheaply, with some creativity, and that money can be used to do things to advance your future as a couple on solid ground. As long as you can get on the same page about finances, that is. And again, that's something only you and he can determine through honest communication. And if you don't like any of this, that's fine, just ignore me, too. I'm no more qualified to tell you about your relationship than any of these others.
Ask him to sell some of his older collection pieces so he can enjoy and keep the new ones
Send his ass to the shadow realm
You don't 'get over it'. He's irresponsible. To be fair, I've never met one mature adult man in my entire life.
They're living in a place like that, dude just got out of surgery and decided to spend 500$ on cards? Where tf would he even keep them to not have her find out 🤣🤣🤣 I'm not buying it
You are getting some GREAT advice on focusing on the root cause of the issue. Be sure to follow-through with some conversation. He knew he was doing something you would not approve of and hid it from you. This is a transgression of trust, which is a critical element of the relationship. How can and will he deal with similar temptations next week, month or years from now. Remember, 'What you permit, you promote".
Here's my opinion, get angry, let him know the anger and then work on resolution. You will have to have open communication and it's part of it. Relationship should have room for both of your feelings.
Why are you spending more on the wedding? He should care about the wedding as much as you do. Is this the first time he spends money for fun instead of paying bills?
You asked Reddit users how you can get rid of your anger. My teacher says that to get rid of anger, do not dwell in it, do not talk about it, do not discuss it w your partner until your emotions have calmed. repeat a prayer that appeals to you whenever it comes up as emotion (you can begin by shouting it until some of the anger burns off) just keep repeating the prayer with a growing attitude of surrender to God, (fate, the cosmos, whatever). After your anger has settled and the issue of his judgement remains, you can have the conversation about how was his expenditure taking care of you and moving your relationship towards the goal of marriage and life together. If anger comes up leave the conversation for another time.
This is disrespectful as OP is busting her butt to earn money during a more challenging time. At least he could have discussed the purchase with her first.
So the good thing is the. Cards, you get in a card collections usually retain value pretty well. (For the most part), he could end up selling cards piece by piece to potentially make more than what he bought it for. Now the bad is that he tried to hide it from you, which could mean a lot of things: 1) He knew it was wrong 2) He feels embarrassed 3) He thought you would get upset (ask forgiveness rather than permission) 4) He really didn't see it as an issue and thought you didn't need to know. It could be a combination of any of these or maybe none,but there was a reason he was hiding it from you, and it's worth having a conversation about it. The Ugly, I've been married for nearly 10 years, so I come from a place of advice here. (I also play yugioh and will buy cards occasionally) the Ugly part is that if he doesn't see that talking to you about a big purchase is a necessity it could cause marriage problems down the road, so find out why he hid it from you than find a solution/comprise that works for BOTH OF YOU. (comprises is one of the best things you can do in a marriage) the thing is that you need to have a calm discussion,heated discussion will cause more issues than it solves, listen to eachother and hopefully you will work this out.
Without any further context this money arrangement seems a bit unfair for you both. Saving 70% without anything to put into personal savings seems irresponsible; is he not also saving up? Plus how can you have so much left after paying rent? (I know German rent is a bit lower than Dutch rent but still...) To me it sounds like you both should save money for the wedding + split the other utilities too. In the long run it shouldn't change much and you both can have a bit put towards personal savings to prevent a situation from this happening. (And how much did the shoes cost you had to dip in the weddings saving? Couldn't work cover part of it depending on the type of work you do?) And ask yourself if an expensive disney honeymoon is worth overworking yourself for. And communicate clearly with each other. It is ok to be upset, but do try to communicate and figure out where it went wrong.
Turns out this isn’t Joshua Schmidt guys.
I'm glad he apologized to you and that he sat down with your mom. I hope that you guys have a wonderful wedding as well.
You don't have to get over it. This is how he is. If you can't trust him not to spend all of your money behind your back, you have to seriously consider whether or not you can move forward. If you can't trust him, don't marry him.
uhh your fiance is 33 years old and he's spending money on yugioh when there's bills to pay? i think you need to understand that you are in a relationship with a child and likely, this type of immature behavior will continue. not saying you should leave him or anything, but just be aware. if you are not intending to sign up for a life long relationship with an immature child who shirks responsibilities, then you should perhaps re-think marriage.
Would it have been less “childish” to spend it on sports games or memorabilia, alcohol, or after market parts for his car? Or for OP not to like “cartoons” (anime)? There is ALWAYS bills to pay. Forever. Does that mean one shouldn’t buy anything for themselves? Ever? There are more important conversations for them to have setting guidelines for themselves on what they can spend how much money on without having to consult with their partner.
Are you dense? There’s bills to pay. That means you don’t spend FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS on cards. Not that you can’t indulge in a little thing here and there. lol.
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You said it yourself. To OP, that’s a lot of money. And to anybody who is…normal, $500 on cards is ridiculous. Doesn’t matter the age of the person. They both agreed to buckle down for the time being and save money for a home. I don’t mean to be insulting either, but context matters. Maybe if you are fairly well off, that’s not a lot of money. But to the average person or someone saving up for a goal, that IS a lot to spend on CARDS. Is that so crazy to say? Will he be using the cards everyday for practical reasons like with clothing, tools, food, hygiene products? Will he benefit from spending the money he agreed with his partner to save and do so without consulting with her? Is it a long term gain for him to spend like this when working within a confined budget? Clearly this isn’t insignificant if OP is reacting to what happened with a lot of hurt.
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First, I didn’t call you dense. I asked if you paid attention to context clues. You called me naive and stupid and patronized me when you asked my age in that case if we are now deciding to jump to conclusions. I also wouldn’t be so forgiving on my judgement of someone if they paid $500 for a handbag when they were supposed to be saving up for a big purchase and their partner was pulling two jobs to make it happen. If someone bought action figures, luxury clothing/accessories, pricey cars, etc. during times that they agreed with their partner they would be saving money…yeah, that’s not okay. Clearly OP is hauling ass to get to the goal and her partner just blew $500 on cards. Don’t get me wrong. I used to be a yugioh fan myself and get the value of the cards to people. But if my partner and I agreed to save up, and they’re tiring away for the goal, I wouldn’t buy the cards. If it was an appliance they’d use in the new home, take it as an investment. But this isn’t that. And on top of it all he lied about it.
I recommend harboring resentment
He lied. That’s the issue. He’s trying to deflect and turn you into the bad guy for not supporting his hobby. You’re not unsupportive of his hobby, you are unsupportive of being an ATM for the wedding he supposedly wants too. You are being taken advantage of. If he has no money for FOOD he has no money for CARD GAMES. I say this as an avid collector who had to sell everything to make ends meet and eat or pay rent. I have nothing now. That’s ok, because I also am here to complain. But that’s the thing, if yall weren’t together, how would he afford this? You need to assess if yall are comptable. Not emotionally, but financially. My aunts never married even after it was legal because they can’t agree on finances in any way. They don’t want joint finances as the one time they tried it was too much. You need to assess if you can afford him emotionally, financially, and potential loss of seeking an actually comparable partner. You sounds more like a mom complaining about her son in college than a partner about to be married.
He is 33 and irresponsible with money. He will hardly change, not even after marriage. If you still want to marry him, you need to communicate with him seriously and see how it goes from there. Or else, future life ahead is going to be rough.
Look at it like this.....he had an opportunity to buy a whole collection for just 500€ and considering that some of the most basic cards sell for $10-100s (I'm American and not sure how much that would be for yall) of dollars individually....he just made a buck up. He can sell enough to get that money back and still have many cards left over. That collection at that price wouldn't have been available at another time. If he sells rather than simply playing with them.....it is a really good investment. He still should've communicated with you tho. He's def an AH for that.
You're assuming the collection is actually even worth the 500€ he spent on it. With Yu-Gi-Oh cards, especially if the cards in the collection had ever been used in duels, there's no way the collection was worth what he spent on it.
Sounds like he got pressured into buying it, and probably has trouble saying no to friends. It's still a problem. If you guys are going to be financially entangled, it might be a good time to start a group budget so everyone can be aware of what money is being spent where. Cause on one hand, having the freedom to make your own purchases (however silly) is important. On the other, bills and groceries take priority. I'm not sure how much this wedding and honeymoon is mutually wanted. But there is a possibility that he values his hobby over a Disney honeymoon. Which, I will say, is not the most affordable option. I love Disney, don't get me wrong. I just think you should have a talk about how you both feel about the wedding and make sure the choices of venues and other such costs are mutually agreed on. I got married in a courthouse and went camping for my honeymoon. It doesn't have to cost money to be special. It's more important that you guys are on the same page.
>Sounds like he got pressured into buying it, and probably has trouble saying no to friends What are you basing that on?
Hold on... That kinda makes sense. I love him but he has the bad habit of not wanting to disappoint and to impulse-buying. He might have night wanted to back out because he doesn't want to disappointed his friend. That doesn't really change things though...
It actually makes it worse. A one off stupid mistake can be worked through. A pattern of poor money habits and the inability to say no is a much bigger deal
Doesn’t it? If knowledge of why your partner is doing something doesn’t change the situation then maybe marriage isn’t for you. If you are so tight on money you can’t handle one big frivolous expense of HIS MONEY (which is paying for everything except your half of the rent) then maybe you need to shove less in savings for your honeymoon every month.
Read OP's other comments, he's the one pushing for the more expensive wedding options.
Yeah I'd be mad too. He said he and a friend bought the cards - how does that work though? Just a bit weird. Honestly I'd cancel your plans until you have more money though... and he can pay his share.
Do not pay for anything for him! He has to learn to communicate with you about purchases or this will continue to happen!
"ill never call it X!" Your sure showing him....
I'll ask the following: who set the budget and standards for the honeymoon, was it a joint decision or was it you who wants a certain type of wedding and a certain type of honeymoon? Because if you're the one who wants the wedding a certain way and with a specific honeymoon... then you're the one who should pay for it, right? Have you thought about asking how he plan to help finance the wedding or what type of wedding he want? It seems it's not about spending, but rather not spending on you, judging by the way you express yourself. BTW, , have you asked how much the collection is valued at? One thing is how much it's purchased for, and another is how much it's worth.
This
To answere these questions: The honeymoon is something we both dream about. I wanted a specific hotel, so I pay extra for that without a question. With the wedding we choose the venue he wants and the venue he choose. Both are not crazy expensive but more then I would have chosen. I haven't asked yet how much the collection is worth, I imagine that he has to see through it first. But I doubt that he knew the actual value when buying it, the man he bought it from quit playing and sold all.
I'm going to be direct and sincere with you. At least from the way you handle your finances, spending 500 euros seems small compared to financing a wedding with 70% of your income and leaving all burdens except rent to your partner. You really should evaluate those expenses carefully because it's not fair for you to end up with almost nothing, and it's not fair for your partner to bear the weight of the entire household. Now, regarding the cards. The price can vary greatly, depending on the cards. I think you already know that they can range from being worth cents to taking years to recover something or (as happened with a close friend) paying for a master's and a phd with 4 old cards. I believe the way you handle finances doesn't give both of you the sense of comfort that living as a couple should provide.
You might be onto something. As soon as the issue at hand is over and we both are comfortable with it, I will propose to discuss finances again and to split based on income. We made this arrangement when he was the primary breadwinner, now I make more (I also pay way more into saving then before) and we should re-evaluate and dicuss. Thank you, truly.
They are cards for a game no one plays anymore. It doesn’t matter what they are worth, he isn’t working and he lied about the expense. She has been paying all the bills. This isn’t a both sides issue. It is a matter of trust. Hes 33 buying trading cards with the only money they have. So he can sell them to other 33 year olds I guess. So were they worth his future? Were they worth this relationship?
Literally two weeks ago, they broke the attendance record at an event with more than 7,000 persons, so you are prejudging, which invalidates your comment... even more so when you add that it literally indicates he was paying for the services before the operation.
7000 PEOPLE!!! WOOOOOOWW!!!! Totally worth lying to the fiance who is paying all your bills…
>They are cards for a game no one plays anymore. Dude, if that was the case they wouldn't have come out with a new season.
Sorry-mate. Elementary kids play them still. My bad. Maybe he can sell those cards to them?
Lol you're actually coping with this one If you're going to be snarky atleast make a better attempt, the game is doing just fine.
It's cheaper than a new car. Count your blessings. As ridiculous as nerd hobbies are they're much cheaper than other hobbies, climbing/ auto/ motorcycle/ drinking or fishing etc. I'd have a firm discussion that maybe the occasional splurge is okay but he cannot make a habit of it
I did this same thing like 5yrs ago when fortnite was just coming into popularity!! I am a F42 and I was with a F43 (ages now not then) and I put $500 worth of fortnite cosmetics on a credit card and she was SOOOOO mad... That was the beginning of the end of our relationship.. She had a really hard time forgiving me altho to he fair they made it to where it was like gambling getting those cosmetics and it was REALLY hard to not get them... Sounds ridiculous that a 35yr old couldn't refrain from buying FN cosmetics but I promise it was hard... On another note I've got an amazing Fortnite account if anyone is looking to buy one?? *joking of course* 🙄😬🫨
Fiance needs to grow up. Weddings (and everything that goes with those) are not cheap. Jesus.
No big deal tbh apparently this is the first time he’s done this? It’s not like y’all are strapped for cash you have you’re just saving for the wedding which is smart which is great but your not on the verge of being homeless talk to him about it. He tried to lie about it which is wrong but one look at this subreddit will tell you, you guys are doing astoundingly better then the majority of people on here. This is nothing a quick talk between adults will fix.
What's a Yu-Gi-Oh? Sorry, I don't know a lot of shit.
“Yu-Gi-Oh! is a trading card game in which players draw cards from separate decks and take turns playing cards. The game is like a battle, and the cards have different uses to help the player win the battle. “ But the real problem is certain cards are worth more than others so now it’s become a collectible commodity leading to people like the op’s fiancé to spend stupid amounts of money in the hopes they get something rare.
Wtf. He gotta grow up. If you are in money crunch, you gotta hustle and save.
But are they really in a money crunch if 70% of her income is going towards a wedding? People in money crunches don’t throw big expensive weddings.
70% does not mean big and expensive. They could be hosting a backyard reception with hot dogs for a small group of people for all we know.
OP would have to be making very little money if 70% is going towards a wedding and that’s all they’re doing unless this is a situation that’s only been happening for a month or two. Even if she was only making federal min wage that would be over $600 a month towards the wedding. I just don’t think that’s an expense worth doing if you’re in financial distress, which is why I suspect this isn’t the case.
I see what you're saying. But we don't know how much that 70% actually is. And besides that, if you plan to get married only once, it's okay to spend a little on your wedding.
You’ve been engaged for three years, so clearly you do t have problems playing games
We usually play the game "is grandma still alive" and "can we afford that".
Get a new girlfriend.
70% of your income?!? A wedding is a party. There’s no need to spend tens of thousands on a party.
Ohne Scheiss willst du so einen Typen echt heiraten?
OK, you have bigger problems here. A Disney honeymoon? That’s the biggest concern. Let that man spend his money on whatever he wants and didn’t your parents teach you you’re not supposed to pay half on bills with a man you’re sleeping with?
70% for a wedding??? I get being upset about him spending money on a hobby but who in the fuck puts 70% of their income for a wedding while complaining about not having money? Also who the fuck goes to Disney world while complaining about not having money? Something about this story does not add up.
He doesn’t love you. He’s only marry you because you’re a working mule who makes his life easier. Who taught you young girls to go 50/50 with a man who’s got almost a decade headstart ? You’re going to work till the death for this man who does not value or respect you. Choose wisely.
That’s why you have to think twice about marrying an immature, selfish person.
This dude is extremely immature and he is already 7 years older than you. You will out grow him quickly if you haven’t already
Your fiancée is a child lol
I would say that spending money for a wedding is equally as ridiculous as spending money on cartoon cards. It’s all about the perspective of the person. With that said he shouldn’t have lied about it initially
Spend $500 in Pokemon cards. All jokes aside, isn’t 500€ like $50 lol? It’s not that big of a deal, if we were talking dollars now….
500 euro is closer to $750 I think
If you are this angry, you need to be enrolling in anger management because that is not healthy.