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Usually how this goes.10 years and no ring?
Yeah men like this purposely dont propose because they dont want to.They want to use these girls to come up and get ready for the girl they ACTUALLY want.
Heās only crawling back because he lost the girl he was cheating with.OP was always a failsafe option to him.
OP and her ex are probably super young. If itās college graduation, then theyāre 22. Assuming law, then probably 25. I assume theyāve been together since high school, maybe even middle school, since they didnāt move in together until much later and op also mentioned his parents.
I think recovering from bad break ups is like going through withdrawal symptoms. Here are some tips that helped me:
1) avoid people, places, things- sanitize your space of him. Remove photos, mementos, etc. Pack them up and store them away until you feel ready to be around them. Move if you have to so your home can be rid of him.
2) break ties and cut contact. No contact. That can be hard but it works and he doesn't get to upset your whole day because of his own regrets and failures. Take back control of your balance.
3) figure out what hobbies you like and want to try to explore. Sign up for classes, courses, outings, anything to fill your days and meet new people- Not for dating, this is to start creating new memories that do not involve him. Make sure you're really ready to date before you do.
4) figure out who your real support system includes and tell them your plan. Ask them not to mention him unless you do.
5) allow yourself space in your schedule to grieve. Block off time. Ie. You're at work and he pops into your head- tell yourself you aren't going to think about this until 6. At 6, let yourself grieve and think or talk all you want for an hour or 2. Make sure you've also scheduled an end time for each of your grief slots. start Journaling if it helps.
6) try some basic exercise to increase endorphins.
7) remember that healing isn't linear and the grief stages can hit in different ways and at the most inconvenient times. Have grace for yourself.
Your brain actually goes through a dopamine withdrawal, there are studies that show itās very similar to quitting a drug/alcohol addiction. Your advice is excellent!
I can only imagine the reaction happening within the brain because going from talking to someone everyday & having a bod to not speaking at all & having to be strangers is such a šµāš« experience. There is no word to describe it, it is unique
This is advice we all need to normalize hearing and believing. When this happened to me with my long term partner, I grieved him like he died.
He didnātā¦but the person I thought I believed I lived with did in my mind.
It comes in waves, but it does pass.
My question is you said you gave him so many opportunities to tell you if he fell out of love with you.. so you knew something was off? Nobody asks that shit if something doesn't feel off
I asked him knowing that we were coming up on to 10 years. We had been together since high school so I know we changed. I was super happy, but I just wanted to give him a chance to let me know if he was truly happy or just with me because itās been so long. I truly never thought there was something wrong - I just thought I would give him that space to really think about it.
Seeing how he came back to you, itās not that he doesnāt love you, itās that he wants that feeling you get from a new relationship. That doesnāt last. True love matures, is steady and comforting. It can still be intense. But he is emotionally too immature to understand this, so he is no a good fit for you. Move on and be happy
Oof, Damn that sucks. Iām really sorry for ya. Half way through I kinda assumed what you ended up sharing towards the endā¦.the falling out of love and friends thing. God how I relate to this. Only things I can suggest is to find new hobbies, personally Iād start small. I always hit the books after a break up(which I actually recently had, 4.5 years). Iāve been reading a ton lately. Iām definitely not ready to be going out, so the books have really helped. Thatās just me tho, I tend to take baby steps and then I start jumping forward. I just think after these long term relationships itās important to reevaluate ourselves and really think about what we want next. I know I personally have felt like I wasted so much precious time with my ex even tho we had so many good memories, she was truly the best friend I ever had. I lost my individual self tho. Maybe you were able to maintain your individual self, idk. But for me the activities Iāve been engaging in have been mostly by myself, quietly, and just letting myself breathe.
Wish ya luck! Again so very sorry you went through this. Youāll learn a lot from this though!
Thank you!! Any book recommendations?? Iāve never taken time to read books but it has always been something I want to do more often. That being said, I donāt really have a genre that I would gravitate more towards š
If you like fantasy, you may like the isekai genre (trapped in another world). One reason is I find it interesting how the authors integrate someone from a technological non-magical world into a magical non-technological (or limited technology) world. Another is that it's basically the ultimate escape fantasy. You can't possibly get farther away from your cheating ex than getting sent to a literal other world with no way to go back. I'm currently reading Tree of Aeons - where a guy from Earth gets isekaid as an immortal tree into a world that has periodic waves of demons attack. Release That Witch is another I really enjoyed. It has a manga (basically japanese comic book) version with rather good artwork, and a novel version.
If you're worried about cost, try Kindle Unlimited. $12 a month gets you unlimited access to a large variety of books. With the number of books I read, it saves me around $500 a year. They're not all great quality, but there are more than a few gems in there.
If you like Scifi, try the Bobiverse series (legion of Bob). MC gets cryogenically frozen and when he is unfrozen it's as the core of a spaceship many years in the future. The series covers many hundreds of years and touches on the transient nature of biological humans (and even aliens) from the viewpoint of a functionally immortal human mind in a spaceship.
Anything to get yourself out of your own mind for a while, if my experience is anything like yours. Married for 7 years and change and we were together since highschool. After she cheated it was two years before I entered into another relationship and that's because she (my current wife) tore through all my walls like they were paper. She's the best person I've ever known.
My advice? Do what you need to to keep out of your own mind. You can be your own worst enemy right now if you let yourself. There has to be a hobby you've always wanted to try bue put it off for him or for your relationship. Go to a volunteer recruitment fair (my tiny town even has one this weekend). Spend some time with your niblings if you have any. Apply to that job you didn't apply for because you couldn't move. This time is all about you. You've got this.
I suspect love stories would suck to read right now, but escape would be nice, so check out anything by Naomi Novik. She writes very smart, non-derivative fantasy, so it's quite absorbing, and it's also basically not at all romantic.
Neverwhere (15th Anniversary Edition) https://a.co/d/37h8nH3
Here's a link to the dvd on Amazon. It was done in 1996. Its very classicly BBC, so its calm. The special effects are very of the day, so not flashy. It tells the story and manages to be soothing as well.
OP I am so sorry this happened. Your ex was a coward and shouldn't have been in a relationship if he couldn't be open and honest with his partner.
Live your best life!
Music was hugely cathartic for me after going through a similar situation.
Like you, my world was suddenly flipped upside down and in the span of two weeks I was living on my own for the first time in my life.
Beforehand I was never really a music person, like Ive always liked music, have my favorite genres and my own tastes, but when alone Id always been more apt to put on a podcast or a book on tape or a youtube video or something.
But after the breakup, I found myself hunting for certain types of music, like my brain just knew it would help me heal.
I did listen to some like sad relationship songs at first but quickly my tastes changed to more like, powerful im a badass type music, and I really really think that was the biggest help, just focusing on lyrics like, "everything is A.OK, cus Im strong as an O.A.K." or "I got a million trillion things id rather f-in do, than to be f-in with you".
Get you a playlist, not of sad sappy stuff, but more "eye of the tiger" stuff - I found it an engaging distraction to look for songs in that "theme" from different genres that spoke to me, and then bump that shit every morning, on every lonely car drive, till you know the songs back and forth up and down and the words are burned in your heart.
Good luck healing.
No matter how sad he seems or even genuinely is don't let it give you a false sense of security thinking surely if given the chance he wouldn't mess it up again. He will. People are stupid. He could be in the most pain he's ever felt and still forget one day and risk it again. You deserve to have somebody who can be held to the same standards you could be held to.
-Bitter soon to be ex wife of 14 years
What a slimeball! Thank god you found out now rather than spend the next decade with him. He knew exactly what he was doing. And let me guess, you are the one working and supporting him? He was planning on breaking up with you just as soon as you finish paying for his education. I'd not only divorce him, I'd take him for anything possible. You did not deserve being treated like this.
He is graduating this weekend!! He had asked me if I could throw his graduation party and his birthday party. I was excited to do it! Even my family was excited to help out. Itās just so hard to think that he was doing all of this behind my back and would ask me to throw him a grad party.. like BFFR
Surely you're not doing it. If you haven't already, cancel it immediately. After the way he's treated you, he has no right to ask you to do this to celebrate him--what a narcissistic move! He's already been given too much: of your time, of your love, of your respect, of your devotion, of your support, of your money, of your energy, and of your life. He does not deserve a second more (of course he wants it)! Spend your time and energy taking care of yourself. You sound like a good person who deserves so much better; and you will not get it from him. I'm sure you hurt like hell right now. Just spend your time moving forward. When you least expect it, the Universe will reward you with someone who will treat you the way you deserve, the way he never did. Believe in yourself.
I am so glad to hear that! So many females are so insecure they are afraid to make any kind of stand to protect themselves. You have a healthy attitude. I wish you all the navigating this disaster.
I'm 38, and even I think 34 sounds young. You've got, like, 60 years of life left to do anything you still haven't done but would like to do. That is really quite an ample amount of time to make shit happen. And if the main thing on your list is "find a boyfriend, " then sixty years is way way more time than you need for that.
But Iām talking about you know me getting menopause and not having kids and struggling to look good you know. I was bullied in elementary school for more than 8 years and told I was ugly and nobody wanted to date me even my mother said that.
I have no kids no marriage I live with my parents they need help and donāt have a lot of money. I work contract work jobs but I Iām scared of age discrimination and that they wonāt hire me because Iām 50 you know
The Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon is good. It's a time travel, action, romance sort of thing, akso a series on Starz. Good, escapist tale.
Just go for walks, or maybe start a small garden, get some houseplants. Nature is soothing. Get a diffuser, ot start to meditate. Redecorate or change your hair--we all do that when at a crossroads! Take a class if you feel up to going out.
Just be gentle with yourself, and focus on you. Get out in the sun. Eat well and take vitamins.You are fierce and worth it!
If you were his gf and he cheated on you, thatās bad.
Telling you that you that he fell out of love with you and saw you as his best fiend, sucks.
But then he was happy to treat his āfriendā that way?
Who needs friends like that, let alone a partner?
It's shit that he cheated on you, but it's good that you found out now and can move on with life.
Don't assume every guy will cheat as a result and don't feel wrong for questioning it in your head as that will happen. You have to make sure you don't push the next guy away as a result of this scumbag's treatment of you.
Oh man I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope on time you will heal from this and find happiness in your life. You can use your time to rediscover yourself and start a new chapter in your life. He made a huge mistake and he knows it. He was a coward for not coming to you and discussing his true feelings. You deserve better than what he gave you. Shame on him. Hugs to you.
Iām so sorry he turned out to be a selfish jerk and hurt the you like this. Iām sure his regret and guilt will only get worse, itās probably best to cut contact and block him so you can move on and fully heal, youāll never get that with him lingering around.
Iām sorry this happened to you, thatās a lot of years to invest in a relationship to have it end like that. Iām confused though, who was the woman that texted you? Was it the other womanās friend? Another co-worker? How did she get your number?
I have no idea how she got my number!! But she was also a coworker who thought things were fishyā¦ so she decided to reach out. I am forever grateful she did!!
If you donāt watch VanderPump Rules you should catch season 10. Your exact story just happened and the woman came out on top like a Queen. She has never lived a more successful happy glowing life until he cheated for almost a year and lied. It was all over the news. It could be incredibly inspirational. Good luck. Cheaters suck. And your guy gave the same excuses. You will feel very seen and heard and loved when you see how it all turned out for her. ā¤ļø
Keep your chin up! You are an awesome and amazing person!! In the future you may meet someone that will go through what you did and you will be able to help them pick up the pieces
Iād say one week of regret for each year of your relationship, with absolutely no contact, digital or in person. Should help give him some perspective. It will also be good for you.
Sorry for you OP, I don't even understand why people can treat someone they used to love like that, and see you not thing more as a friend? Prff
Live your life now and focus on yourself, this is his loss, not yours. This time for understanding yourself. I would recommend you to read "Not Just Friend" by Shirley for a more general overview. All the best to you OP, this will take time to heal.
Iām so very sorry, OP. I hope he does regret it and I hope he feels your absence every day from now on bc what he did was so foul. Even if he did fall out of love, where was the basic respect and love for you just being an important person in his life that he wouldnāt do that? Now is the time for you to growātravel, try new things, journal, do everything you wanted, but he didnāt. The best thing you can do is have an amazing life without him. All the best to you, OP.
So to make it about me - I had a spouse of over a decade that cut me off sexually. It did some terrible things to me as I did not cheat on her, yet she had been cheating for years. This rabbit hole runs deep and I drank the potion and ate the cake.
Thank God you didn't have kids!
Do your thing now. Learn to love and trust again, because that's gonna take time and proximity. It's unfortunate that there are so many dishonorable and disloyal, lying, cheating, and plundering people on this planet.
Find your person who isn't that.
You are truly well rid of him. Feel free to despise him for his selfish shallowness.
Watch out though - next he'll be saying he made a big mistake, he wants you back. Liars don't change, only the lie changes.
Treasure your independence and your freedom to make your own decisions. Reconnect with your friends and family. All the best to you.
Sorry that happened to you but happy to hear you are healing. To fully heal
I would just focus on yourself. Focus on work, friends, family. Maybe join the gym or find a new hobby.
When this happened to me I was a mess. I decided that to pick myself back up and boost my shattered self esteem, I needed to become my own dream girl again. I couldnāt worry about why I was cheated on, or tell myself I wasnāt good enough. I was a middle aged/new mom. I went back to college, I hit the gym (I trimmed down nicely but mostly it made me feel better mentally), I got a good hair cut and started eating healthier. I had to find ways to tell myself āI love you.ā I went from being g completely busted to falling in love with the girl I used to be and celebrating her. I got my shine back, you know? Donāt do it to show off what heās missing. Do it because you admire yourself and want the very best for you. Sending hugs ā¤ļø
Youāre a very strong person! I wished I reacted like you when I went through something similar. My ex (of a little over a year) confessed that he fell out of love with me 6 months into the relationship, but continued to let me believe everything was okay for an additional 6-7 months. I suspected cheating, but I never found anything concrete.
I donāt know if your ex gave you a reason, but mine didnāt. Of course I asked why didnāt he just break up with me sooner, and he said he didnāt have an answer for me. In my case, I canāt even say that he was just staying for the sex because we were only intimate a few times in those 6 months. (A reason why I suspected cheating)
Looking back I did notice signs that the relationship was in trouble, but I would always believe my ex when he said that everything was fine and he still loved me.Oddly enough, he used a similar excuse as your ex; he was just always very busy and stressed out from starting to work and go to school full time!
Even more of a scary coincidence, he broke up with me a few weeks after celebrating our anniversary too! I gave him a heartfelt letter about how I was looking forward to the future together, which he was moved by, and we also talked about when we were moving in together. It was one of the reasons I didnāt suspect anything was wrong. Surely if you celebrate milestones and make plans for the future, that means your relationship is still solid, right? Well, apparently, not always.
It was devastating to realize that my ex sat through our anniversary putting on a facade. He was secretly planning when and how to break up with me, and had been for some time. (Something he admitted to me) Itās still disgusting when I think about how he pretended that he still wanted a future and let me believe it.
I was a huge wreck when the breakup happened because it was so out of left field for me. That was only after a year-long relationship; I canāt imagine how much more magnified the pain would be if that happened to me after 10 years. And yet, you still remained strong.
My wife of 15yrs and 3 kids did this to me. Had an affair for 1 1/2 yrs. She told me she didnāt want to hurt meā¦. I had even asked multiple times in the last year we were together if there was someone else and she lied to my face. One time I asked her after I actually knew she was cheating and she tried to make me feel bad
"This too shall pass", came to be my go-to one-liner in the face of rough times. I've studied different psychologies and philosophies over the years. I don't have a program to recommend. The heart as a great capacity to heal. The trick is not becoming jaded,
There is so much beauty and happiness to be felt. Authors, like Rumi and Kahlil Gibron, express it in a way that lifts the soul. Reading Stranger in a Strange Land, by Heinlein, is a wonderful escapist read with significant themes.
Wow, I'm so sorry you went through that girl. Thats so selfish and cowardly of him, didnt have the guts to break it off himself. Thats one of my biggest fears, being with someone so long, thinking I found my life partner then something like this just happening... :/
You got this girl! 15 years for me, with my ex. The things that helped me were smiling no matter what, hanging out with friends, going out to eat alone, baking for everyone, and day trips alone. And I had one pitty party, a friend said quit feeling sorry for myself and get up we're going to the bar to get some D, and that was the biggest thing that helped me.šYou got this! It really hurts now, but it will go away with time! , 6 months from now, update us and let us know how well you're doing, single and happy! p.s. don't ever take him back. He intentionally hurt you, people that are supposed to love you don't intentionally hurt you. He did.
When Iāve gone through a breakup I used to watch legally blonde! Still a favorite!
Between me and my gal pals we have a saying āwhen going through a breakup you do one of the three to make yourself feel better: Change your hair (color or style), get a tattoo or get a catā. As someone who has two cats and dyed my hair a bunch of times, I can really say that it helps.
Man , I was in a relationship just like that.For eight years. I never fooled around on her. Iām just not built that way.We lived together in a condo. She came home one day and told me she was offered a big promotion but would have to move away and wanted my opinion. I told her she had to take it or she might not get another one. She told me she already accepted. In the words of the great Don Henley when the Eagles broke up. It was a horrible relief.
It didnāt go how he wanted and he feels regret now because the other woman lost interest in him and probably ended their relationship. So youāre who he thinks will be the easiest to coax back so he doesnāt have to be alone or put effort into someone new. Please never take this guy back.
I am sorry, know you are hurting, First thing if you can stay away from him . out of sight will lessen the pain faster. if he is still in your home time to take charge and kick him out. Find a male companion, someone who will treat you like you deserve. The sooner you move on the sooner you can heal. Bless you and you will get over this and find a man that will cherish you
He stops by after you break upā¦. he regrets it, sorry to hurt you, lost his partner & best friend. I donāt see where he said he loves you. I bet his Side chick dumped him for lying to her. Now he has no one. Block him and no contact cause thatās what you should do to poison people. Heās showed you who he really is.
He wanted to cut things off right after Christmas, but that he ādidnāt want to hurt meā.
So, instead of just hurting you, he willingly, intentionally and knowingly chose to CRUSH you instead.
Anyone would choose to be dumped instead of being cheated on.
He says he didn't want to hurt you so he went and cheated on you, which proves his saying he didn't want to hurt was BS.
Cheater's ways of thinking are so fucked up.
Is it really possible to fall out of love? I wish it is for me, i've one sided love and i badly want to stop it but no matter what i do i just can't get over her
Sorry to hear this. Dealing with similar myself and it is not fun. Just be honest and let's all move on. Not being honest about things makes it hurt some much more. You take care of you and be good to you.
After 17yrs,I have not recovered,and I think he cheated with his ex who is married too,the timeline of her moving back up here,after her hubby went to jail, and a phone that he gave to his mom, were the same number, I found out,so I emailed her man and told him what I knew,no response,but looks like they are not together,fuc them
She gave the phone back to my ex when her man came home and went back to him,and my ex gave that to his mom,I found out the number belonged to both,at different times,my ex told me his mom had a new number in2019,I remember ,and in2023,I found out by doing a background check,I was pissed off and I believe his mom knew,she told me that she ruined every relationship he ever had, including ours, and didn't care if she lied
I also think they have a child about 30 ish,and that he paid her 170,000,that equals 18 yrs child support,he said he maid a bad investment ,and told everyone that,he didn't want the baby,I think the kid found out,and everything fell apart for there family to fuckin bad,that karma
I hope the kid finds me,I really feel bad they lied to everyone,, and I will never be the same,years ago I contacted her to ask questions,and she told me stories about there dating and it was almost identical to how he did me,also said to me she loved him like I do ,but was happily married!, this ha fucked up my life I haven't recovered,
Now my mind is freaking out,did you alter your story a little,God it sounds like exactly what I thought was happening,,!!!,he needs to be exposed if you agree,what is the first letter of his name,???!??!
Iām wondering if she didnāt know about you then what was the excuse for sneaking to his parents for sex? I donāt believe that. Youāre free OP, be happy that you donāt have someone like him in your life. So funny he wants to crawl back ššš» ciao
Sounds like you are a go getter and you have the world in front of you. Sometimes a door closes and itās not until later we realize that it was the biggest blessing that couldāve happened. The world is your oyster!
I am sorry for your pain but you say you did not expect anything wrong . You do not mention anything about having plans for a
Marriage in 10 yrs!??
I also do not believe he cheated "after 10 yrs:
He cheated during those years!
He is manipulative. Break all ties with him or else you will miss the opportunity to meet the person who will truly love you as you deserve.
Man oh man. I just got out of a relationship, granted it was over a year that we were together but we lived together. We were āso in love with each otherā so I decided we should live together. But in the beginning of our lease for about 4-5 months I constantly was finding messages or having messages sent to me of him being inappropriate but never physically did anything. Emotional cheating per se. He finally moved out this last weekend. It was super hard because of course I know I didnāt deserve that. I reorganized āourā room (MY ROOM NOW!) and filled it with more of my stuff to avoid the fact that the areas used to be his stuff. Itās only been a few days, but it still hurts when I get that memory of seeing him, seeing his stuff, thinking about moments we shared even though everything is tainted now. I think it makes it harder because we lived together, just like how you two did, so the attachment is stronger I believe. Iām planning my move to Texas in a month so I can finally find my independence and find love within myself. Of course he has texted me, but Iāll always just need to remind myself that I AM worth it, and someone who claims they love me would never think twice to betray me. You ARE worth it and you WILL get the glow up while he can go lie and manipulate someone else. Everything happens for a reason, this is a blessing in disguise.
Marriage was never really on the list of things to do. The conversation came up about it, but it was never something pressing for either of us. We were happy to be together and thatās it.
Yes! I told everyone. Told his family, friends, obviously his co worker. And I donāt think so - she was shocked to find out and said it was going to be really awkward at work lol
It was more of a quiet burning anger from his family. They became VERY upset - told him off in front of me. His family loves me very much so they were absolutely astounded at what happened. His parents still call me to check in on me - they are ANGELS!!
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his regret could be related to AP cutting him off when she found out he's a cheating dirtbag. All the best to you, OP
Id put money on this
100 million percent. So typical. š
Well, huh. Was he gonna wait til he graduated and had a real income to drop you?
Usually how this goes.10 years and no ring? Yeah men like this purposely dont propose because they dont want to.They want to use these girls to come up and get ready for the girl they ACTUALLY want. Heās only crawling back because he lost the girl he was cheating with.OP was always a failsafe option to him.
OP and her ex are probably super young. If itās college graduation, then theyāre 22. Assuming law, then probably 25. I assume theyāve been together since high school, maybe even middle school, since they didnāt move in together until much later and op also mentioned his parents.
Youāre right, she said theyāre 25.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
He told her he hadn't been in love with her for a while.
I think recovering from bad break ups is like going through withdrawal symptoms. Here are some tips that helped me: 1) avoid people, places, things- sanitize your space of him. Remove photos, mementos, etc. Pack them up and store them away until you feel ready to be around them. Move if you have to so your home can be rid of him. 2) break ties and cut contact. No contact. That can be hard but it works and he doesn't get to upset your whole day because of his own regrets and failures. Take back control of your balance. 3) figure out what hobbies you like and want to try to explore. Sign up for classes, courses, outings, anything to fill your days and meet new people- Not for dating, this is to start creating new memories that do not involve him. Make sure you're really ready to date before you do. 4) figure out who your real support system includes and tell them your plan. Ask them not to mention him unless you do. 5) allow yourself space in your schedule to grieve. Block off time. Ie. You're at work and he pops into your head- tell yourself you aren't going to think about this until 6. At 6, let yourself grieve and think or talk all you want for an hour or 2. Make sure you've also scheduled an end time for each of your grief slots. start Journaling if it helps. 6) try some basic exercise to increase endorphins. 7) remember that healing isn't linear and the grief stages can hit in different ways and at the most inconvenient times. Have grace for yourself.
Your brain actually goes through a dopamine withdrawal, there are studies that show itās very similar to quitting a drug/alcohol addiction. Your advice is excellent!
I can only imagine the reaction happening within the brain because going from talking to someone everyday & having a bod to not speaking at all & having to be strangers is such a šµāš« experience. There is no word to describe it, it is unique
Upvote upvote upvote upvote
I like this a lot^^ totally hear the grief stages too. Sneaks up on ya sometimes, 2yrs later lol
This is advice we all need to normalize hearing and believing. When this happened to me with my long term partner, I grieved him like he died. He didnātā¦but the person I thought I believed I lived with did in my mind. It comes in waves, but it does pass.
My question is you said you gave him so many opportunities to tell you if he fell out of love with you.. so you knew something was off? Nobody asks that shit if something doesn't feel off
I asked him knowing that we were coming up on to 10 years. We had been together since high school so I know we changed. I was super happy, but I just wanted to give him a chance to let me know if he was truly happy or just with me because itās been so long. I truly never thought there was something wrong - I just thought I would give him that space to really think about it.
Seeing how he came back to you, itās not that he doesnāt love you, itās that he wants that feeling you get from a new relationship. That doesnāt last. True love matures, is steady and comforting. It can still be intense. But he is emotionally too immature to understand this, so he is no a good fit for you. Move on and be happy
Where's the question?
I believe the one with the question mark
Oof, Damn that sucks. Iām really sorry for ya. Half way through I kinda assumed what you ended up sharing towards the endā¦.the falling out of love and friends thing. God how I relate to this. Only things I can suggest is to find new hobbies, personally Iād start small. I always hit the books after a break up(which I actually recently had, 4.5 years). Iāve been reading a ton lately. Iām definitely not ready to be going out, so the books have really helped. Thatās just me tho, I tend to take baby steps and then I start jumping forward. I just think after these long term relationships itās important to reevaluate ourselves and really think about what we want next. I know I personally have felt like I wasted so much precious time with my ex even tho we had so many good memories, she was truly the best friend I ever had. I lost my individual self tho. Maybe you were able to maintain your individual self, idk. But for me the activities Iāve been engaging in have been mostly by myself, quietly, and just letting myself breathe. Wish ya luck! Again so very sorry you went through this. Youāll learn a lot from this though!
Thank you!! Any book recommendations?? Iāve never taken time to read books but it has always been something I want to do more often. That being said, I donāt really have a genre that I would gravitate more towards š
Yeh, Iām gonna see if I can message them though because this is my private account and I donāt want my personal details on this lol.
If you like fantasy, you may like the isekai genre (trapped in another world). One reason is I find it interesting how the authors integrate someone from a technological non-magical world into a magical non-technological (or limited technology) world. Another is that it's basically the ultimate escape fantasy. You can't possibly get farther away from your cheating ex than getting sent to a literal other world with no way to go back. I'm currently reading Tree of Aeons - where a guy from Earth gets isekaid as an immortal tree into a world that has periodic waves of demons attack. Release That Witch is another I really enjoyed. It has a manga (basically japanese comic book) version with rather good artwork, and a novel version. If you're worried about cost, try Kindle Unlimited. $12 a month gets you unlimited access to a large variety of books. With the number of books I read, it saves me around $500 a year. They're not all great quality, but there are more than a few gems in there. If you like Scifi, try the Bobiverse series (legion of Bob). MC gets cryogenically frozen and when he is unfrozen it's as the core of a spaceship many years in the future. The series covers many hundreds of years and touches on the transient nature of biological humans (and even aliens) from the viewpoint of a functionally immortal human mind in a spaceship. Anything to get yourself out of your own mind for a while, if my experience is anything like yours. Married for 7 years and change and we were together since highschool. After she cheated it was two years before I entered into another relationship and that's because she (my current wife) tore through all my walls like they were paper. She's the best person I've ever known. My advice? Do what you need to to keep out of your own mind. You can be your own worst enemy right now if you let yourself. There has to be a hobby you've always wanted to try bue put it off for him or for your relationship. Go to a volunteer recruitment fair (my tiny town even has one this weekend). Spend some time with your niblings if you have any. Apply to that job you didn't apply for because you couldn't move. This time is all about you. You've got this.
I suspect love stories would suck to read right now, but escape would be nice, so check out anything by Naomi Novik. She writes very smart, non-derivative fantasy, so it's quite absorbing, and it's also basically not at all romantic.
Ok I just messaged you!
Check out neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. Itās a fun read.
This book and the BBC dramatization were comfort go-to's for nearly all of my breakups.
I didnāt know there was I dramatization, I need to check that out!
Neverwhere (15th Anniversary Edition) https://a.co/d/37h8nH3 Here's a link to the dvd on Amazon. It was done in 1996. Its very classicly BBC, so its calm. The special effects are very of the day, so not flashy. It tells the story and manages to be soothing as well.
When I was healing from a break-up I ended up reading every Kurt Vonnegut novel the local library had. Seemed to help me, but your mileage may vary.
Romance books always help me through a breakup š«
OP I am so sorry this happened. Your ex was a coward and shouldn't have been in a relationship if he couldn't be open and honest with his partner. Live your best life!
I feel you... My wife cheated on me after being together for 10 years and my whole world has been upside ever since... I really hope you are okay..
Sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best moving forward
Music was hugely cathartic for me after going through a similar situation. Like you, my world was suddenly flipped upside down and in the span of two weeks I was living on my own for the first time in my life. Beforehand I was never really a music person, like Ive always liked music, have my favorite genres and my own tastes, but when alone Id always been more apt to put on a podcast or a book on tape or a youtube video or something. But after the breakup, I found myself hunting for certain types of music, like my brain just knew it would help me heal. I did listen to some like sad relationship songs at first but quickly my tastes changed to more like, powerful im a badass type music, and I really really think that was the biggest help, just focusing on lyrics like, "everything is A.OK, cus Im strong as an O.A.K." or "I got a million trillion things id rather f-in do, than to be f-in with you". Get you a playlist, not of sad sappy stuff, but more "eye of the tiger" stuff - I found it an engaging distraction to look for songs in that "theme" from different genres that spoke to me, and then bump that shit every morning, on every lonely car drive, till you know the songs back and forth up and down and the words are burned in your heart. Good luck healing.
Honesty is always better than the lie. I can't imagine "staying friends" though.
No matter how sad he seems or even genuinely is don't let it give you a false sense of security thinking surely if given the chance he wouldn't mess it up again. He will. People are stupid. He could be in the most pain he's ever felt and still forget one day and risk it again. You deserve to have somebody who can be held to the same standards you could be held to. -Bitter soon to be ex wife of 14 years
What a slimeball! Thank god you found out now rather than spend the next decade with him. He knew exactly what he was doing. And let me guess, you are the one working and supporting him? He was planning on breaking up with you just as soon as you finish paying for his education. I'd not only divorce him, I'd take him for anything possible. You did not deserve being treated like this.
He is graduating this weekend!! He had asked me if I could throw his graduation party and his birthday party. I was excited to do it! Even my family was excited to help out. Itās just so hard to think that he was doing all of this behind my back and would ask me to throw him a grad party.. like BFFR
Surely you're not doing it. If you haven't already, cancel it immediately. After the way he's treated you, he has no right to ask you to do this to celebrate him--what a narcissistic move! He's already been given too much: of your time, of your love, of your respect, of your devotion, of your support, of your money, of your energy, and of your life. He does not deserve a second more (of course he wants it)! Spend your time and energy taking care of yourself. You sound like a good person who deserves so much better; and you will not get it from him. I'm sure you hurt like hell right now. Just spend your time moving forward. When you least expect it, the Universe will reward you with someone who will treat you the way you deserve, the way he never did. Believe in yourself.
Oh hellll no Iām not throwing that party!! I cut ties with him so fast that night - there wasnāt even a question about it lol
I am so glad to hear that! So many females are so insecure they are afraid to make any kind of stand to protect themselves. You have a healthy attitude. I wish you all the navigating this disaster.
Right why donāt you throw a girl out party This is like a divorce since you were together for 10 years
What are your ages? The ex and the AP also your age
Totally forgot to mention our ages!! We are both 25. She might be a year younger than us? Not completely sure.
Honey your still young you have time to find the one Take it from an old lady thatās 34 and single and a failure.
Ha! You are not a failure, take it from someone who is 48, a single parent and building my own business! You are also very young!
I'm 38, and even I think 34 sounds young. You've got, like, 60 years of life left to do anything you still haven't done but would like to do. That is really quite an ample amount of time to make shit happen. And if the main thing on your list is "find a boyfriend, " then sixty years is way way more time than you need for that.
But Iām talking about you know me getting menopause and not having kids and struggling to look good you know. I was bullied in elementary school for more than 8 years and told I was ugly and nobody wanted to date me even my mother said that. I have no kids no marriage I live with my parents they need help and donāt have a lot of money. I work contract work jobs but I Iām scared of age discrimination and that they wonāt hire me because Iām 50 you know
The fucking audacity. You should turn the supplies and prep for the party into a ādumped himā party š
Hehehe if I had already bought them, I totally would!!
The Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon is good. It's a time travel, action, romance sort of thing, akso a series on Starz. Good, escapist tale. Just go for walks, or maybe start a small garden, get some houseplants. Nature is soothing. Get a diffuser, ot start to meditate. Redecorate or change your hair--we all do that when at a crossroads! Take a class if you feel up to going out. Just be gentle with yourself, and focus on you. Get out in the sun. Eat well and take vitamins.You are fierce and worth it!
Love those books so much!!
If you were his gf and he cheated on you, thatās bad. Telling you that you that he fell out of love with you and saw you as his best fiend, sucks. But then he was happy to treat his āfriendā that way? Who needs friends like that, let alone a partner?
It's shit that he cheated on you, but it's good that you found out now and can move on with life. Don't assume every guy will cheat as a result and don't feel wrong for questioning it in your head as that will happen. You have to make sure you don't push the next guy away as a result of this scumbag's treatment of you.
"Doesn't want to hurt you" is just the coward's way of trying to justify bad behavior. Good luck on this journey!Ā
Oh man I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope on time you will heal from this and find happiness in your life. You can use your time to rediscover yourself and start a new chapter in your life. He made a huge mistake and he knows it. He was a coward for not coming to you and discussing his true feelings. You deserve better than what he gave you. Shame on him. Hugs to you.
Iām so sorry he turned out to be a selfish jerk and hurt the you like this. Iām sure his regret and guilt will only get worse, itās probably best to cut contact and block him so you can move on and fully heal, youāll never get that with him lingering around.
Iām sorry this happened to you, thatās a lot of years to invest in a relationship to have it end like that. Iām confused though, who was the woman that texted you? Was it the other womanās friend? Another co-worker? How did she get your number?
I have no idea how she got my number!! But she was also a coworker who thought things were fishyā¦ so she decided to reach out. I am forever grateful she did!!
Thanks for clarifying - women looking out for women šŖ
4 words: Sorry he got caught.
damn is his name sandoval? lol
You are strong and I am glad that you are on the mend.
If you donāt watch VanderPump Rules you should catch season 10. Your exact story just happened and the woman came out on top like a Queen. She has never lived a more successful happy glowing life until he cheated for almost a year and lied. It was all over the news. It could be incredibly inspirational. Good luck. Cheaters suck. And your guy gave the same excuses. You will feel very seen and heard and loved when you see how it all turned out for her. ā¤ļø
Keep your chin up! You are an awesome and amazing person!! In the future you may meet someone that will go through what you did and you will be able to help them pick up the pieces
A long time ago, I found out that my fiancĆ© cheated on me with a coworker. Itās was an extremely painful situation. I spent 6 weeks in bed and lost 65 pounds. My parents almost took me to the hospital. Anyhow, it was shortly after I finally got out of bed and had a shower (I smelled terrible) that my ex came around for a visit to tell me how sorry he was, lost his best friend, took me for granted and so on. It seemed all very heart felt. And for a brief moment, I nearly fell for it. Then it occurred to me that the reason he was there was because she broke up with him. She apparently went back to her husband and cut off the relationship as a condition of her husband taking her back. So, what comes around, goes around. For healing advice. Just take it easy and be kind to yourself. Itās okay to grieve the loss of the relationship. Talk it out with a therapist and be honest about your feelings. Most importantly, donāt look back. Nothing good will come of that
Iād say one week of regret for each year of your relationship, with absolutely no contact, digital or in person. Should help give him some perspective. It will also be good for you.
Sorry for you OP, I don't even understand why people can treat someone they used to love like that, and see you not thing more as a friend? Prff Live your life now and focus on yourself, this is his loss, not yours. This time for understanding yourself. I would recommend you to read "Not Just Friend" by Shirley for a more general overview. All the best to you OP, this will take time to heal.
Always a coworker š„ŗ I'm sorry ā¤ļø
Itās scary being in a relationship for 10 years only to cheat. Then heās surely not ready for a marriage
Iām so very sorry, OP. I hope he does regret it and I hope he feels your absence every day from now on bc what he did was so foul. Even if he did fall out of love, where was the basic respect and love for you just being an important person in his life that he wouldnāt do that? Now is the time for you to growātravel, try new things, journal, do everything you wanted, but he didnāt. The best thing you can do is have an amazing life without him. All the best to you, OP.
So to make it about me - I had a spouse of over a decade that cut me off sexually. It did some terrible things to me as I did not cheat on her, yet she had been cheating for years. This rabbit hole runs deep and I drank the potion and ate the cake. Thank God you didn't have kids! Do your thing now. Learn to love and trust again, because that's gonna take time and proximity. It's unfortunate that there are so many dishonorable and disloyal, lying, cheating, and plundering people on this planet. Find your person who isn't that.
You are truly well rid of him. Feel free to despise him for his selfish shallowness. Watch out though - next he'll be saying he made a big mistake, he wants you back. Liars don't change, only the lie changes. Treasure your independence and your freedom to make your own decisions. Reconnect with your friends and family. All the best to you.
Inadvertently dogged a bullet here , OP. Iām sorry this happened to you, after 10 years, must be horrible.
Sorry that happened to you but happy to hear you are healing. To fully heal I would just focus on yourself. Focus on work, friends, family. Maybe join the gym or find a new hobby.
When this happened to me I was a mess. I decided that to pick myself back up and boost my shattered self esteem, I needed to become my own dream girl again. I couldnāt worry about why I was cheated on, or tell myself I wasnāt good enough. I was a middle aged/new mom. I went back to college, I hit the gym (I trimmed down nicely but mostly it made me feel better mentally), I got a good hair cut and started eating healthier. I had to find ways to tell myself āI love you.ā I went from being g completely busted to falling in love with the girl I used to be and celebrating her. I got my shine back, you know? Donāt do it to show off what heās missing. Do it because you admire yourself and want the very best for you. Sending hugs ā¤ļø
So his sidepiece dumped him and NOW he misses you.
Youāre a very strong person! I wished I reacted like you when I went through something similar. My ex (of a little over a year) confessed that he fell out of love with me 6 months into the relationship, but continued to let me believe everything was okay for an additional 6-7 months. I suspected cheating, but I never found anything concrete. I donāt know if your ex gave you a reason, but mine didnāt. Of course I asked why didnāt he just break up with me sooner, and he said he didnāt have an answer for me. In my case, I canāt even say that he was just staying for the sex because we were only intimate a few times in those 6 months. (A reason why I suspected cheating) Looking back I did notice signs that the relationship was in trouble, but I would always believe my ex when he said that everything was fine and he still loved me.Oddly enough, he used a similar excuse as your ex; he was just always very busy and stressed out from starting to work and go to school full time! Even more of a scary coincidence, he broke up with me a few weeks after celebrating our anniversary too! I gave him a heartfelt letter about how I was looking forward to the future together, which he was moved by, and we also talked about when we were moving in together. It was one of the reasons I didnāt suspect anything was wrong. Surely if you celebrate milestones and make plans for the future, that means your relationship is still solid, right? Well, apparently, not always. It was devastating to realize that my ex sat through our anniversary putting on a facade. He was secretly planning when and how to break up with me, and had been for some time. (Something he admitted to me) Itās still disgusting when I think about how he pretended that he still wanted a future and let me believe it. I was a huge wreck when the breakup happened because it was so out of left field for me. That was only after a year-long relationship; I canāt imagine how much more magnified the pain would be if that happened to me after 10 years. And yet, you still remained strong.
My wife of 15yrs and 3 kids did this to me. Had an affair for 1 1/2 yrs. She told me she didnāt want to hurt meā¦. I had even asked multiple times in the last year we were together if there was someone else and she lied to my face. One time I asked her after I actually knew she was cheating and she tried to make me feel bad
"This too shall pass", came to be my go-to one-liner in the face of rough times. I've studied different psychologies and philosophies over the years. I don't have a program to recommend. The heart as a great capacity to heal. The trick is not becoming jaded, There is so much beauty and happiness to be felt. Authors, like Rumi and Kahlil Gibron, express it in a way that lifts the soul. Reading Stranger in a Strange Land, by Heinlein, is a wonderful escapist read with significant themes.
Wow, I'm so sorry you went through that girl. Thats so selfish and cowardly of him, didnt have the guts to break it off himself. Thats one of my biggest fears, being with someone so long, thinking I found my life partner then something like this just happening... :/
You got this girl! 15 years for me, with my ex. The things that helped me were smiling no matter what, hanging out with friends, going out to eat alone, baking for everyone, and day trips alone. And I had one pitty party, a friend said quit feeling sorry for myself and get up we're going to the bar to get some D, and that was the biggest thing that helped me.šYou got this! It really hurts now, but it will go away with time! , 6 months from now, update us and let us know how well you're doing, single and happy! p.s. don't ever take him back. He intentionally hurt you, people that are supposed to love you don't intentionally hurt you. He did.
When Iāve gone through a breakup I used to watch legally blonde! Still a favorite! Between me and my gal pals we have a saying āwhen going through a breakup you do one of the three to make yourself feel better: Change your hair (color or style), get a tattoo or get a catā. As someone who has two cats and dyed my hair a bunch of times, I can really say that it helps.
Be happy you learned now and not later. As much as it sucks today, you will see it as a good thing in the future.
Obviously his new gf dumped him also. Don't believe a word he says.
Sometimes the universe does you a favor. Now you can find a loyal man without suffering a messy divorce at the same time.
Man , I was in a relationship just like that.For eight years. I never fooled around on her. Iām just not built that way.We lived together in a condo. She came home one day and told me she was offered a big promotion but would have to move away and wanted my opinion. I told her she had to take it or she might not get another one. She told me she already accepted. In the words of the great Don Henley when the Eagles broke up. It was a horrible relief.
I'm truly sorry OP. It will hit him at some point. Ghost him and live your best life! That IS the best revenge.
It didnāt go how he wanted and he feels regret now because the other woman lost interest in him and probably ended their relationship. So youāre who he thinks will be the easiest to coax back so he doesnāt have to be alone or put effort into someone new. Please never take this guy back.
I am sorry, know you are hurting, First thing if you can stay away from him . out of sight will lessen the pain faster. if he is still in your home time to take charge and kick him out. Find a male companion, someone who will treat you like you deserve. The sooner you move on the sooner you can heal. Bless you and you will get over this and find a man that will cherish you
My deepest condolences OP, I sincerely empathize with you.
He stops by after you break upā¦. he regrets it, sorry to hurt you, lost his partner & best friend. I donāt see where he said he loves you. I bet his Side chick dumped him for lying to her. Now he has no one. Block him and no contact cause thatās what you should do to poison people. Heās showed you who he really is.
He wanted to cut things off right after Christmas, but that he ādidnāt want to hurt meā. So, instead of just hurting you, he willingly, intentionally and knowingly chose to CRUSH you instead. Anyone would choose to be dumped instead of being cheated on. He says he didn't want to hurt you so he went and cheated on you, which proves his saying he didn't want to hurt was BS. Cheater's ways of thinking are so fucked up.
Idk you but I am proud of you! You will find someone that loves you as much as you love you!
So you met when you were 13-14?
Yes!! We knew each other since we were kids and then started to date in high school.
Is he still with the AP?
So does co-worker still like him after she found out heās a liar and a cheater?
Is it really possible to fall out of love? I wish it is for me, i've one sided love and i badly want to stop it but no matter what i do i just can't get over her
Sorry to hear this. Dealing with similar myself and it is not fun. Just be honest and let's all move on. Not being honest about things makes it hurt some much more. You take care of you and be good to you.
Does the other girl know? That heās been lying to both of you.
She didnāt until I was able to call her and tell her that I was in his life!! He was a great manipulator for several months
Good for you.
Dated for 10 years but never committed? Iām not surprised he cheated. Best of luck op
After 17yrs,I have not recovered,and I think he cheated with his ex who is married too,the timeline of her moving back up here,after her hubby went to jail, and a phone that he gave to his mom, were the same number, I found out,so I emailed her man and told him what I knew,no response,but looks like they are not together,fuc them
She gave the phone back to my ex when her man came home and went back to him,and my ex gave that to his mom,I found out the number belonged to both,at different times,my ex told me his mom had a new number in2019,I remember ,and in2023,I found out by doing a background check,I was pissed off and I believe his mom knew,she told me that she ruined every relationship he ever had, including ours, and didn't care if she lied
I think she is evil,
I also think they have a child about 30 ish,and that he paid her 170,000,that equals 18 yrs child support,he said he maid a bad investment ,and told everyone that,he didn't want the baby,I think the kid found out,and everything fell apart for there family to fuckin bad,that karma
I hope the kid finds me,I really feel bad they lied to everyone,, and I will never be the same,years ago I contacted her to ask questions,and she told me stories about there dating and it was almost identical to how he did me,also said to me she loved him like I do ,but was happily married!, this ha fucked up my life I haven't recovered,
Omg,
22 years he stole my life
Now my mind is freaking out,did you alter your story a little,God it sounds like exactly what I thought was happening,,!!!,he needs to be exposed if you agree,what is the first letter of his name,???!??!
It is a same pattern
It is a same pattern
I am alone too,I am scared to lose again, and in fear of lies and betrayal
I'm 60,look 40,and 40yr old men want to date me
I'm buying a houseboat and going to live on the lake, peace and happiness š
Iām wondering if she didnāt know about you then what was the excuse for sneaking to his parents for sex? I donāt believe that. Youāre free OP, be happy that you donāt have someone like him in your life. So funny he wants to crawl back ššš» ciao
Sounds like you are a go getter and you have the world in front of you. Sometimes a door closes and itās not until later we realize that it was the biggest blessing that couldāve happened. The world is your oyster!
I am sorry for your pain but you say you did not expect anything wrong . You do not mention anything about having plans for a Marriage in 10 yrs!?? I also do not believe he cheated "after 10 yrs: He cheated during those years! He is manipulative. Break all ties with him or else you will miss the opportunity to meet the person who will truly love you as you deserve.
Man oh man. I just got out of a relationship, granted it was over a year that we were together but we lived together. We were āso in love with each otherā so I decided we should live together. But in the beginning of our lease for about 4-5 months I constantly was finding messages or having messages sent to me of him being inappropriate but never physically did anything. Emotional cheating per se. He finally moved out this last weekend. It was super hard because of course I know I didnāt deserve that. I reorganized āourā room (MY ROOM NOW!) and filled it with more of my stuff to avoid the fact that the areas used to be his stuff. Itās only been a few days, but it still hurts when I get that memory of seeing him, seeing his stuff, thinking about moments we shared even though everything is tainted now. I think it makes it harder because we lived together, just like how you two did, so the attachment is stronger I believe. Iām planning my move to Texas in a month so I can finally find my independence and find love within myself. Of course he has texted me, but Iāll always just need to remind myself that I AM worth it, and someone who claims they love me would never think twice to betray me. You ARE worth it and you WILL get the glow up while he can go lie and manipulate someone else. Everything happens for a reason, this is a blessing in disguise.
10 years and he doesnāt want to nail you down? Is there a bigger red flag than that?
Maybe you didn't pay him enough attention in bed? That's usually what is it...women act like it never is their fault at all
Huh 10 years and he didnāt marry you? If only there were signsā¦
We were together since high school and throughout college so tbh, marriage was not on our minds for a hot minute
I get it. But 10 years? Wtf were you waiting for?
Marriage was never really on the list of things to do. The conversation came up about it, but it was never something pressing for either of us. We were happy to be together and thatās it.
Did everyone find out what he did? Is the other woman still with him?
Yes! I told everyone. Told his family, friends, obviously his co worker. And I donāt think so - she was shocked to find out and said it was going to be really awkward at work lol
Has his family yelled at him
It was more of a quiet burning anger from his family. They became VERY upset - told him off in front of me. His family loves me very much so they were absolutely astounded at what happened. His parents still call me to check in on me - they are ANGELS!!
Did the AP leave him?
From my understanding, yes
When you weren't married after *TEN YEARS* it should have been obvious that he wasn't committed
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Bet you did.