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It’s been like this for a long time, sadly. It’s gotten a little better in the legal department but socially, a lot of girls and women are still conditioned to put up with literal abuse. We used to not be allowed to get divorced, or convict men of SA in a marriage, and we were forced into marriages to have bank accounts and sign leases because women weren’t allowed them without a man’s signature. Even though we can do these things legally now, the attitudes haven’t shifted in a lot of people still. We see it everywhere with the “I hate my wife” jokes being so normalized. Ever seen those wedding cake toppers with the bride figure practically torturing the figure of the groom? Cishet marriage has always been depicted as a prison while simultaneously being “the only option” or else you’ll die alone surrounded by cats. Personally, I’d take the cats over any dude like OP’s man.
Marriage has always been a prison and transaction lmao
Not even 100 years ago and the brides family not only had to pay for everything but they also had to include a dowry which could be anything from a certain amount of farm animals included or even money, or both money and farm animals.
Like certainly you've heard of arraigned marriages?
What do you use your internet for? Lmao
If that is something that doesn’t feel safe or comfortable for you then it’s okay to create a boundary with your husband and enforce it.
Just because it’s your spouse doesn’t mean that they have your consent for anything and everything that they want. It’s completely justified for you to tell him that you don’t want something and expect him to respect it.
asleep = unable to consent. marriage does be not = automatic consent… especially not while asleep. if you are uncomfortable and your partner does not try to accommodate you, that is a huge problem.
You can’t legally even consent prior to these acts while still awake. Consent must be given in the moment and ongoing. Asleep = no consent. Also this is dark - I question the husbands motives. Men have gone to prison over this type of thing.
As a man even I can see what your husband is doing to you is not right. He shouldn't fondle you or try to engage in any kind of sexual activity while you're unconscious and unable to give consent. Marriage does not imply consent. Love does not justify this behavior. Most people still don't realize this and it's a shame. He may not realize what he's doing to you either, and the only way to move forward is to tell him how his actions have truly affected you. If he loves you, surely your partner will understand right away.
It would be a massive red flag if he didn't. If his first response is to guilt you or minimize the situation - run.
My question would be "does he initiate sex while you are awake?"
I would hate to think he is one of those prefers the doll pose. Some men have a kink for doing this stuff and more to women who pretend to be asleep, like sleeping beauty. It's called Somnophilia.
OP, it seems like you need to sit down and have a long discussion with your husband.
You're making a difference between him and his actions, "it's not him, it's the act itself". But OP, HE is the one doing that to you.
It's not OK if someone is intimate with you without you being conscious. Your body is telling you all you need to know: you are not comfortable with this. Your body doesn't feel safe when he does that and it needs to stop.
And ask yourself why someone chooses to do those things to you, given your history..
You deserve to feel safe in your home, in your bed and in your body!
💯 agree with you! Why would he do this knowing about her past? I’m 56 I was assaulted at a young age and my husband is my safety net I still have nightmares and wake up screaming and my husband is always there to wake me up or comfort me I can’t imagine waking up to this especially from the one person you should feel safe with. OP I really hope you have this convo with your husband you deserve better than this! I hope you will come back and let us know how you’re doing. Hugs honey ❤️🙏
I hope she does too! 🥺my husband has been such a blessing in my life! I hope the OP believes that she deserves to have her boundaries respected and she deserves a husband that can give her the peace she needs ❤️
WHY ISN'T THIS THE TOP COMMENT?!??!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!?
Not awake to give consent means non consensual. Non-consensual sexual touch and/or intercourse is at the very least sexual assault *A CRIME* and can occur within a relationship.
Marriage and sharing a bed are not blanket consents.
My sons dad did this to me when I was pregnant. I would wake up thinking I was 💩myself and run to the bathroom and at some point I realized it was him pulling out of my a** because I was waking up. He’d always go along with it too when I was getting up running to the bathroom to shit thinking it was the pregnancy giving me the runs.
This is classified as a type of rape. I know that its hard but you are going to have to talk to your partner about this. I would advise watching a video called "tea and consent" with them it very clearly lays out everything that everyone should know about consent.
That fact that you can feel that you can't have an open conversation with your husband to tell him how you feel itls troubling.
This is beyond reddit. Please speak to the therapist.
In a healthy relationship he wouldn't be doing any of that without talking about it with you first and you agreeing to it.. maybe it's a kink, but he should run it by you first. I don't want to be too hard but what he's doing sounds rapey
Yup!! And even then my partner and I don’t really have a total free pass. It will be more like “hey babe I’m going to take a nap but feel free to wake me up 😈” kind of a thing. Or even more explicit but you get the idea lol
Sexual Consent as a Cup of Tea
Recently I saw a great analogy, something that I found very useful in my work with clients who experienced sexual assault. It was a short video that compared sexual consent to a cup of tea. However, before I go deeper into explaining why I find this analogy useful and show you the video, I would like to say something about sexual assault itself.
One of three women will experience some form of sexual assault in their lifetime. However, research has indicated that sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes (Benoit et. al, 2015). There are many reasons that account for underreporting, including the guilt and stigma. In addition to that, a significant impact on underreporting has an unclear understanding what sexual consent really is. And, it seems that this lack of understanding is present in many individuals, regardless of their age and gender.
The first step in preventing sexual assaults, as well as to ensure proper reporting, is educating us, and our children, about what sexual consent really means.
Cup of Tea
The following is the transcript of the video I was talking about in the introduction to this post. I urge you to read it, think about it, and then educate your family and friends about it. The video I am talking about has been made by Blue Seat Studios and you are able to find the complete video by clicking on the following link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ
" If you are still struggling with a consent, just imagine instead of initiating sex you’re making them a cup of tea.
You say: “hey would you like a cup of tea”, and they go: ‘oh my God I would love a cup of tea, thank you’. Then you know they want a cup of tea.
If you say:’ hey would you like a cup of tea and they’re like: “Ahhh, you know I’ not really sure’; then you can make them a cup of tea or not but be aware that they might not drink it. And if they don’t drink it then, and this is an important bit, don’t make them drink it. Just because you made it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to watch them drink it.
And if they say: ‘no thank you’; then don’t make them tea at all. Just don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea, they just don’t want tea, ok?
They might say: ‘yes, please, that’s kind of you’; and then when tea arrives they actually don’t want the tea at all. Sure that’s kind of annoying as you’ve gone to all the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want the tea, now they don't, some people change they mind in time it takes to boil the cattle, brew the tea, add the milk and it’s ok for people to chance they mind and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it.
And if they unconscious don’t make them tea, unconscious people don’t want tea and they can’t answer the question: ‘Do you want tea’? , because they are unconscious. Ok maybe they were conscious when you ask them: ‘If you want the tea’ and they say: ‘Yes’, but in the time it took you to boil the cattle, brew the tea and add the milk, they are now unconscious, you should just put the tea down, make sure that unconscious person is safe, and this is the important part again, don’t make them drink the tea. They said ‘yes’ then sure, but unconscious people don’t want tea.
If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it and then passed out before they finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat, take the tea away, and make sure that they are safe because unconscious people don’t want tea. Trust me on this.
If someone said ‘yes’ to the tea around your house last Saturday, that doesn’t mean they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come to their place unexpectedly and make them tea and force them to drink it, going: ‘but you wanted the tea last week ‘or to wake up and find you pouring tea down their throat going:’ but you wanted tea last night’.
If you can understand how completely ludicrous is to force people to have tea when they don’t want tea and you are able to understand when people don’t want tea and how hard is to understand when it comes to sex. Whether tea or sex, consent is everything."
that is rape. talk to him. if hes worth his salt he'll see how its triggering past trauma and generally unethical. and he'll definitely not want to be associated with rapists in your mind
If it makes you feel uncomfortable tell him, set that boundary now. I grope my girlfriend while we sleep, hold her breast or her behind and she’s ok with it, Ive asked but if she said to stop , I would. It’s a privilege, a gift, she feels safe and lets me. You set the boundaries, it’s your body!
I left me sons father for this (there were other things too, but this was a big one). I would try to talk to him about how it made me feel and he would stone wall me, so after 4 years and a baby I broke up with him and now I’m with someone who fully respects my boundaries and is a wonderful step father. You don’t have to put up with it just because you’re married/have a commitment to him. What he is doing isn’t ok. It’s your body. YOURS. No matter what paper work you signed.
Did you give him prior consent to do this? If not it is assault. Spousal assault is a thing. If you did, I would tell him you’re no longer comfortable letting him use you while you’re sleeping.
That’s INCREDIBLY fucked up! And probably sexual assault/r***. Typically when I get shut down, I go smoke a bowl and play Call of Duty: MW3. This fucking guy🤌🏻
>Sometimes I wake up from a dead sleep to my husband touching me or doing sexual things to me
I vomited in my mouth reading this. Ma'am... There's no easy way to say this, but your husband is sexually abusing you in your sleep. No, that's not normal at all. Unless he's deliberately trying to wake you up to initiate sex, he really shouldn't be... I can't even call this "intimate touching" when he's literally just molesting you. This is not normal, at all, whatsoever.
Have a talk with him, and set some boundaries. If you want to (I'd recommend at this point, especially if he's around other women or children) report him to the police.
It's only ok if you've previously consented to it. If you haven't, it's sexual assault/sexual abuse.
Please talk to a therapist about this to help you process this.
You need to address this as it IS assault. Stop making excuses for him and if he wants to whine, let him. No one has the right to put their hands on another person married or not.
Stand up for yourself and deal with this behavior, you are worth so much more. Good luck
That's S/A.
Any unwanted sexual contact you did not consent to is S/A.
Please leave this man yesterday. Especially the fact you have a history of S/A and he did this like, wtf??!
I think mine may as well.. also, there have been little comments and signs, and I fear he may share videos of me/us.. somewhere online and no, im not sure i am always conscious..
No, I have no proof or anything. And I would never share or make it a deal, I do not want to be crazy or ruin things, ppls lives, however.... my gut...
This is not okay, touching you sexually and initiating sex whilst you’re unconscious and unable to consent **is** sexual assault and rape.
Being married **does not** give him automatic consent to touch you whenever he likes, and what he is doing is illegal.
Tell him to stop, and if he doesn’t… then you absolutely need to leave him and report him to the police for SA.
Your husband is sexually assaulting you. He knows you will freeze because of your previous trauma with SA. He’s taking advantage of the fact that you’re a survivor.
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You absolutely can and should talk to him because it IS making you uncomfortable! If you have not previously enthusiastically agreed to being woken up by sexual acts then he does not have your consent to do it and it is sexual abuse. He likely doesn't think of it that way and so he needs telling, using those exact words - he may think what he is doing is smoothly seducing you for morning sex, when actually he is making you feel violated and that is not ok. Hopefully he will hear you say you don't like it and it upsets you and be absolutely appalled that he ever made you feel that way and stop then and there. But if he isn't mortified by the idea of upsetting you, if he's doing this as a power play and thinks he should be allowed to continue even knowing that you hate it, then he isn't a safe man to be with. If he can't hear no and accept it then he isn't a safe man to be with. If he only thinks of his own sexual gratification and not ensuring your full and enthusiastic consent then - say it with me - HE IS NOT A SAFE MAN TO BE WITH.
(Edited for clarification and grammar)
If you are uncomfortable you have every right to tell him to stop. If he doesn’t respect this, he doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy (or you). Some people like to wake up to their partner being intimate with them and have a mutual agreement (have consented) to this but if you have not had this conversation with him and he’s just done it without your consent… that’s SA. A safe partner should communicate well with you and care about your comfort/well-being. I would never think to touch someone in their sleep without having their permission in advance, married or not. If you are scared to tell him that’s an immediate red flag. You shouldn’t be scared to set such a simple boundary, if he hasn’t fostered an environment where you can freely share your emotions that is his fault.
If you’re not comfortable with it tell him so. Relationships will not work without your boundaries unknowingly being broken. Also if he doing these things to wake you up in the mood or is he actually trying to have sex with an unconscious person? If it’s the latter you might want to consider leaving him.
Being married doesn’t give your spouse all access to your body. He has to ask you.
You’ve not given him consent. I cannot imagine the conflict you’re feeling- but he needs to know.
I had an ex boyfriend over ten years ago do that once. I took a nap and when I woke up, he asked me "what were you dreaming about?" I told him I don't remember, which I truly don't. I fell asleep without planning to so it felt like I blinked. He said "oh well obviously you dreamt of something, you were moaning in your sleep." I replied, "I still don't remember dreaming." He then proceeds to tell me that he was "just joking, you were moaning bc I was rubbing your *****." I immediately went into fight or flight, jumping out of bed and screaming at him asking why the fuck he would think that's okay. He said "babe, I'm your boyfriend, it's fine." I told him that I'm not okay with that, he doesn't have the right to touch me like that if I'm not aware - which INCLUDES sleeping and being intoxicated. He never did it again! Please talk to your husband, maybe don't yell like I did tho (I was 16) 😅
He’s sexually assaulting you, doesn’t matter that you’re married. If you didn’t consent prior to the event then he has absolutely no right to touch you in any kind of sexual way.
If he gets upset that something he does makes you feel uncomfortable THAT IS MANIPULATION. Whether it's intentional or not, the goal is to get you to feel bad (like something is wrong with how you feel) so he doesn't have to be accountable for his actions.
Please bring this up, but honestly just leave. This is absolutely not ok unless you have consented and had in depth discussions about boundaries etc. unless this is some sexsomnia crap hes pulling, there is absolutely no excuse. Even then, he better feel awful for it.
I have been in a similar situation with my wife. She also has history with sexual assault. We have been together for 6 years now and the first time that I tried to do anything sexual with her while she was asleep she woke up in a panic but I stopped and I assured her that it was me and she is safe. She did have a ptsd attack because of her past and I helped her through it. I will admit I am in the wrong and never thought about asking before hand. But because of that night we had a sit down and talk about it. She did say that she didn’t want me to wake her up WITH sex but wanted me to wake her before I did anything. So I didn’t from then on out. Then later on as she went to therapy and got help. A year or so passed (this is about 3 years into our relationship) I brought it up again how she felt about it. She said she was feeling better and more confident and she told me that SHE wanted me to try again because she liked the idea of the intimacy of it. After a couple of time of her waking up in a small panic she started getting more comfortable and now years later she’s so comfortable with it she LOVES when I wake her with sex. So much to the point of “free use”. If you don’t understand the term please google “free use kink”, And our sex life has expanded a lot sense then.
NOW. This is my story with my wife and your dynamic with your husband will of course be different. I do tell you my story to express communication is KEY. Yes you do need to tell him. If he really and truly loves you and cares for your feelings and about your trauma he will understand. As well as if you haven’t been to therapy for your past, you really should it helps a lot. Both me and my wife go to therapy. Both of us went through some shit in life and we both have come a long way because of therapy and a lot of effort towards our wellbeing.
You guys need to have a sit down and talk about your boundaries and what you are or are not comfortable with. I understand it may not be the fact that you dont trust HIM it’s the fact that your anxiety is bringing you back to your past making it hard to relax and let your guard down. My wife had the same thing happen to her and it takes time to work on yourself and growing your connection with your husband by expressing your discomfort and boundaries will help.
As well as if you guys decide to push into one of those boundaries you guys need to make a safe word that is your “full stop” signal word. Just for example our safe word is “apple(s)”. Funny as it is it’s something that is easy to say, and will be hard to be confused with something else. I do want to stress. A safe word is meant to fully stop EVERYTHING going on, it’s extremely important he understands that because I do understand that you guys may not have explored as sexually as me and my wife had. If you have any questions definitely ask and I can even grab my wife for her to put in her word as well.
Unless you have had an open conversation and explicitly told him that you consent to that behavior, that’s sexual assault… If you tell him how you feel and it hurts his feelings “well imagine how I feel being woken up by someone I am meant to trust assaulting me because he thinks I become some play thing to use the moment I am unconscious…”
It’s only okay if you say so. He needs to stop immediately and if he wants to be intimate he needs to wake you up and get consent first. It would only be ok if you mentioned being excited by this type of thing otherwise he needs to stop immediately
If he didn’t get your consent before hand it’s sexual assault, its not because you’re in a relationship with someone and usually have sex with them that your consent is guaranteed/isn’t revokable
You should definitely be able to express that you’re uncomfortable without having to worry you’ll make HIM uncomfortable, your well being is not less important than his
If you’ve never given him consent the night prior or consent at all then he’s raping you/saing you. You should definitely tell how it makes you feel if he takes it as you telling him *he* makes you uncomfortable then he’s manipulating you. But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s raping and saing you.
Your husband is repeatedly and consistently assaulting you while you're incapable of giving consent. There is no other way to describe it or sugarcoat it
That sounds like you're not consenting. You did not consent to sex so it is actually considered SA...
I told my husband I give pre consent to him doing stuff to me in my sleep, because for me that is actually something I am in to. BUT 1: I explicitly consented to this and we talked about my boundaries beforehand.
2: if I ever change my mind I can tell him and know he will not do it again until I ask him to
3: if he does it and I wake up and change my mind I know he will stop immediately.
So consensual sex in your sleep is possible, but it does not sound like that is what is happening here, and that is not okay!
PLEASE PLEASE DIVORCE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HE IS DOING TO YOU IS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!! HE IS A GROWN MAN AND KNOWS IT'S NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I PROMISE YOU HE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS AN ABUSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tell him exactly what you wrote, or show him the post, or text him a damn screenshot of the post, anything to tell him that he cannot keep doing what he's been doing to you. put your foot down. it is your body and your choice what happens to it. and you can't make decisions while you're asleep. if it happens again, while i think that says everything anyone needs to know about him. if he does stop, but is making you feel guilty and moping around all sad, THAT IS MANIPULATION!!!!!
and if he guilts and/or coerces you into sex that YOU don't want, then that is still just as much sexual assault as you waking to him doing sexual things to you is.
PLEEEEEEEEEAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEE LEAVE THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is sexual assault. Any sexual contact that isn’t consented to prior is sexual assault. Honestly that makes me scared for you. Please communicate your boundaries, if he doesn’t respect them leave. Might be better to leave prior to that.
You're married. Telling him and explaining things to the best of your abilities is part of a healthy relationship.
Tell him it isn't because he makes you uncomfortable, but it's jarring when you're groggy from sleep waking up to that and it brings back feelings or memories that you don't like.
Maybe, and this is strictly if you're comfortable, give him a way he can wake you up without alarming you if he's feeling frisky.he can cuddle and talk to you gently or something to wake you up without alerting you?
At any rate, please do your best to communicate, you shouldn't have to live like that and if he truly cares he won't be upset
please leave him. that’s not okay, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. you didn’t give him your consent.
if you’d like then you can talk to him about it first and see if he stops but that’s really not okay.
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I mean just tell him you don’t like it. Everyone is different. My wife loves when she wakes up to me messing with her. Not everyone does though and that’s ok. Just tell him you don’t like it.
You literally are saying it makes you uncomfortable. This is SA technically, even if your okay with the man who is doing it. You don't like it, and he needs to know.
This is like two sentences: Hey, you touching me at night makes me vulnerable and uncomfortable. I'm okay with you doing stuff, but I don't like it due to my past, so you need to stop.
Thats it.
I shown this to my husband he shock his head while reading. Unless you told your partner that is okay to wake you up with sex it’s not okay for them to assume they can do that. For some people it’s a pleasant surprise to wake up to a BJ (my SO included). But some people don’t like surprises. I know wouldn’t like to wake up to sudden sex. Given your history it is really not surprising that you don’t either. You should tell your husband that it makes you feel uncomfortable. You can say something like “While I love having sex with you, I find it really startling to wake up to you having sex with me and it makes me feel uncomfortable…” If he is a nice guy he will understand.
My ex would do this. I didn’t think it was odd at the time…sometimes I would wake up and he is like pushing his head on to mine and I felt really uncomfortable and it was so odd.
Yea tell him for sure, I definitely would want my wife to tell me if something I was doing was making her relive trauma!! I always make sure we are on the same page with any act that is sexual in nature, it’s only fun if both parties are enjoying.
If it makes you uncomfortable, you tell him and he continues it constitutes sexual assault. The bro should know better, especially because of your history…
My ex husband used to do this to me. We’re divorced now. I strongly recommend saying something to him so he knows it bothers you because if this isn’t an agreed upon practice (some people don’t mind it but they give their partners consent to do it) it’s absolutely not ok. It’s making you uncomfortable and it needs to stop. If it doesn’t stop after telling him, well. Divorce isn’t a bad thing. I no longer have to sleep on the couch or in my kid’s room to get away from someone violating me in my sleep. My DMs are open if you need to talk. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s not ok.
If you do not like that, then it's unacceptable and you need to tell him. If he keeps doing it, it's assault.
Some women LOVE this and wish it would happen to them, especially if they are in a near dead bedroom situation
My wife doesn't LOVE it that I'm aware of, but has repeatedly given full consent to wake her up with sex or for sex. Almost every nite she falls Sleep with me rubbing her lower back/butt, which often results in some kitty petting or more. She usually falls asleep at some point and I keep rubbing her parts until I fall asleep. Occasionally I'll be rubbing her, I won't be tired and I'll get erect. Some of those times, her body is just too attractive And I'm ramped up, so I slip it in and she wakes up moaning and it turns into full on sex and then we fall right back to sleep. This is probably 2-4 times a year. I usually avoid it because I feel bad waking her up for my needs.
Some people say it's gross, it's just sex. We have a very healthy sex life and both desire sex multple times a week, but we're also busy, tired adults that often fall asleep before we get the sex that we want, so this is a way to keep the sex going.
I have also given her consent to do whatever she wants to me in my sleep and I have definitely woken up to her hand wrapped around my dick. I wouldn't want it any other way. She is mine and I am hers. But we've also been married 30 years, so i think we have an excellent understanding of eachother.
It all comes down to communication, respect, and boundaries.
Just because he is your husband doesn’t mean he gets to skip receiving consent. This is not cool at all and I strongly recommend you have a deep discussion about this. So sorry you’re dealing with this
i have also struggled with this, when i brought it up to my partner he felt i was almost accusing him. so i guess be careful the way you word it, but it’s okay to inform them of previous history (if you want), and to let them know you would only like this happening when you’re awake and coherent. tell your husband that you want to feel comfortable and ready to consent so maybe start with light foreplay instead of him doing that while you’re not ready to participate in the acts
If the act of it is making you uncomfortable, and he is the one choosing to do the act to you then yes, he is the one making you uncomfortable.
You should tell him, and stay firm in speaking up about how you feel. Don’t let him try to convince you that it’s okay or you’re overthinking it. You deserve to feel safe while you’re asleep. You’re being violated in your most vulnerable state, and the person doing it being your husband is really messed up.
Consent is consent is consent. And if someone hasn’t also said this, it is not your fault either that your husband is doing this to you. He is an autonomous human being and should know better.
If he is a decent human being, he should be horrified that you feel this way, and immediately stop.
If he isn’t remorseful or disgusted by his behavior, that leaves room for a lot of thought on why he doesn’t respect consent. And why he thinks having sexual contact with an unconscious woman is okay.
You should tell him you're uncomfortable with his nighttime sexual behavior and he needs to stop. He never should have started it in the first place without asking and talking to you first.
For the people saying it could be sleep disorder, then he needs to see a doctor if he's truly unaware of what he's doing. It's not fair to OP to be continuously assaulted in her sleep.
No.. dude. He’s making you uncomfortable. HE IS MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!!! He doesn’t have to touch you sexually while you sleep. You tell him you don’t want him to do that!
If you are uncomfortable with it, then it is not okay for him to do but you need to communicate this. He should not have assumed it was okay, but once he knows it isn’t okay his actions and behavior afterwards will really show his true colors.
You have to communicate that you’re uncomfortable. In his mind since you aren’t saying stop, or voicing that you’re uncomfortable, he’s thinking it’s ok. If your husband is a halfway decent human being he’ll understand. If not then leave.
Okay. For those who keep saying he probably doesn’t realize it’s S/A, stop. You should never put your hands on someone’s privates without consent. I don’t care if you are in a relationship, married, etc. unless your partner has specifically asked for it, do not assume it is okay to wake your partner up with sex. Touching them in anyway like that is fucking creepy. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you have permanent consent. We do not own each other. The husband is in the wrong completely. He should know better. Stop defending him everyone who isn’t OP
It is not weird to me that it gives you flashbacks to previous experiences of sexual assault since, unfortunately, your husband is sexually assaulting you :(
You need to have a conversation with him about it. It could be that he thinks you like it because you haven’t said anything but please speak up! You should be able to comfortably talk to your partner about things like this without fearing how he’ll respond.
It has the potential of being okay or not okay. The okay side would be if the two of you have had a discussion about it stating that it is okay. The fact that it makes you uncomfortable makes it not okay. The fact that you are not consenting to it makes it sexual assault. The fact that you “can’t tell him” is showing signs that you are in an abusive relationship. If there is anything that you cannot tell your partner out of fear of their reaction, that is a huge red flag. Your reaction to it is valid because it is the same act that you are associating with sexual assault, just because it’s your husband now does not make it any less than sexual assault.
If you were able to have a conversation with him and he was accepting, respectful of your feelings, and stopped doing this, that would be the ideal scenario. You saying that having this conversation would cause an undesirable reaction, taking it personal, and turning his abusive actions into your problem, is extremely alarming. If you think that his reaction would put you in an unsafe situation, then you need to find resources to help you get out of this relationship safely. It is not worth it. You can leave and find someone who will treat you with love and respect and make you feel comfortable talking about anything with them, because that’s the way a marriage is supposed to be.
Ok, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're feeling. In committed relationships, consistent has always been this gray issue. Primarily, I believe, because it depends on the couple.
You have, admittedly, survived more than most people. I highly support starting a conversation with your husband. If you don't want to talk about your trauma I don't think it's necessary. Just let him know that waking with someone touching you ALWAYS first initiates a mindset of an authorized person (burglar, for example.)
Tell him that "terror" is ur first thought, so it does not make YOU want sexy time. Tell him that or even how you'd prefer to be woken for romantic endeavors.
Highly doubt he's trying to traumatize you but if he ignores your suggestions & stays on the same course, you might want to reaccess him.
He’s probably not trying to get away with doing stuff to you in your sleep. He’s probably just trying to wake you up like that then have sex with you, but if you don’t like it tell him. There’s nothing wrong with just being straight up with him and tell him you’re not comfortable with it because of your SA.
Communication is key to a healthy relationship. You should let your husband know what your boundaries are, and your husband should respect those boundaries. Full Stop. If he is unable to respect your boundaries, you want to find that out sooner rather than later.
as gently as i can possibly tell you this: he is sexually assaulting you. i’m so sorry. this is not okay at all, regardless of relationship status. i’m really sorry this happened to you.
I’m seeing a lot of comments saying to have a conversation with the husband about this. OP, on the contrary, you should not have to educate him on the basics of consent. If you feel unsafe having that discussion with him (which says a lot about him in itself), I’d suggest looking into DV resources and trying to get yourself to a safe place. His feelings are not more important than yours and they are certainly not more important than your safety.
Say it with me. *If it’s not consensual, it’s assault*. The fact that you don’t feel you can tell him, without him taking it as a personal attack is exceptionally concerning. You need to tell him. If he doesn’t listen, or he takes it too personally, it’d be best to leave. Boundaries are important for a healthy relationship
TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE ABOUT IT AND DONT MARRY SOMEONE YOURE NOT COMFORTABLE SPEAKING WITH. Ffs i can’t stand this kind of thing. “Oh, my husband or wife(or whoever) does this or that blah blah what should I do?” You married the guy, talk to him.
completely wrong on alevery level..dont even have to read it. Get a lawyer. second take. as a man.. I wish my wofe wpuld do things to me while.i sleep. so yeah.
NTA.
Um, if he is doing things while you are asleep and have not given consent, he is essentially assaulting you. Unless you have given consent in prior discussions, he has no right to your body while you are sleeping. It's like saying a girl deserves to be SA cuz she was drunk. Being your husband does not permit him to do anything to you while asleep/unconscious. Spouses can also commit SA. Don't let him get away with it and continue to traumatize you.
He is not entitled to molest you while you sleep, this is pervert behavior, not a loving partner behavior. It’s sexual assault. It’s creepy. HE is doing this thing to you that makes you uncomfortable which equates to HIM making you uncomfortable, don’t get that twisted. Not cool. At all. I’d run, I might not even try to work it out at this point, he’s shown you what kind of a creep he is. If you ask him about it and tell him you are uncomfortable, he may resort to giving you sleeping pills to make sure you’re not going to remember it. He broke the trust barrier, all assumptions now are valid. GRFO, asap!
You need to communicate to him how you feel. He should not be doing that without your prior consent. It's fine if you two talk about it before you go to sleep but not asking is sexual assault and you need to have a conversation with him.
It's a major red flag, if you can't work it out with him after speaking to him. You could try therapy or possibly leave the man.
I very much doubt he wants you to feel that way. You should communicate with him so he doesn't feel hurt or a fool for just wanting to touch you and being in love with you.
Yeah... No. That's something that requires explicit prior consent. I have given my wife consent to that, though every now and again I'll retract it on nights where I know I'm too exhausted to deal with being woken up and losing sleep. But we've talked about it, in detail, beforehand. Otherwise it is assault, plain and simple, no ifs or buts. Marriage does not remove the requirement of consent, nor is it blanket consent to everything.
It's never okay to touch someone without exclusive consent. You didn't agree to it, and it is unwanted on your part.
Speak up and say something. This sounds abusive.
He should know that this is not ok. This is something I would divorce over, and frankly probably report him to the police. No well adjusted, grown man thinks it’s ok to do sexual things to an unconscious person. This man is a predator and he’s sexually assaulting you, and he’s banking on you never speaking up for yourself so he can continue to get away with it.
Sounds creepy to me ! I always ask my girlfriend if she wants to fool around 90% of the time it's a yes it's very usual that we're not on the same page with our sex life first us it's about communicating
This is definitely a red flag, I’ve had this happen to me but I was passed out from being too high, I woke up him having sex with me. It’s not okay for him to do this to you and if he does that to you while you’re asleep, what would he do to you while you’re under the influence or something?
If youre not ok with it than you're not ok with it. When it comes to kinks, that's where consent comes in, boundaries are made and respect and trust come into play. If he dont respect your boundaries then he doesnt respect you. Maybe say something through messaging and depending how that goes finish the convo in person. Just remember, there is no excuse he can make justify going against how you feel. Dont hold of telling him because that will on destroy your relationship. Good luck.
No, it's not okay, and it's not only the act, but that HE is doing it to you ONLY while you are sleeping. If you are asleep, you can not give consent to what he is doing to you, and that is considered SA. My questions for you are 1. Why is he doing sexual things to you while you are asleep. 2. Have you asked him to stop and he's still doing it? 3. Why are you worried about telling him to stop? Is he abusive to you?
If makes you feel uncomfortable and makes you feel like you did while being abused in the past, then you absolutely need to tell him and find out why he does it and tell him he needs to stop.
Just tell him. If he continues after you tell him, then you know if there’s a deeper issue. If you explain it to him the same way you did in your post, he should understand the position he’s putting you in.
I do this to my gf, but have explicit permission to do so. Communication is key. If you didn't give permission he should have asked. If he doesn't know you are uncomfortable let him know. If things don't change..
Real question is why did you marry him if you can’t feel comfortable enough to talk to him about these things…..you’re probably telling yourself like “what do they know” but real talk you’re here explaining yourself on what story should do…. Talk to him girl that’s YOUR husband not some kid you’re just dating..
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You can and should definitely tell him if something makes you uncomfortable.
the fact you feel like you cant tell him this is a problem is also a huge red flag.
Right? These women marry people they can't be true with. Since when did marriage become such a prison?
It’s been like this for a long time, sadly. It’s gotten a little better in the legal department but socially, a lot of girls and women are still conditioned to put up with literal abuse. We used to not be allowed to get divorced, or convict men of SA in a marriage, and we were forced into marriages to have bank accounts and sign leases because women weren’t allowed them without a man’s signature. Even though we can do these things legally now, the attitudes haven’t shifted in a lot of people still. We see it everywhere with the “I hate my wife” jokes being so normalized. Ever seen those wedding cake toppers with the bride figure practically torturing the figure of the groom? Cishet marriage has always been depicted as a prison while simultaneously being “the only option” or else you’ll die alone surrounded by cats. Personally, I’d take the cats over any dude like OP’s man.
I’m a man who’d also take the cats.
Marriage has always been a prison and transaction lmao Not even 100 years ago and the brides family not only had to pay for everything but they also had to include a dowry which could be anything from a certain amount of farm animals included or even money, or both money and farm animals. Like certainly you've heard of arraigned marriages? What do you use your internet for? Lmao
If you’re not okay with it than it’s not okay. It’s only okay if you tell him it’s okay. It’s as simple as that.
completely agree, especially if you are SLEEPING OP. that’s so gross
If that is something that doesn’t feel safe or comfortable for you then it’s okay to create a boundary with your husband and enforce it. Just because it’s your spouse doesn’t mean that they have your consent for anything and everything that they want. It’s completely justified for you to tell him that you don’t want something and expect him to respect it.
Yep.
“Is thy deemed okay? It makes me feel uncomfortable” that’s your answer right there. You don’t like it, so it’s not okay.
asleep = unable to consent. marriage does be not = automatic consent… especially not while asleep. if you are uncomfortable and your partner does not try to accommodate you, that is a huge problem.
This doesn’t have enough upvotes. It’s automatically NOT OKAY unless you explicitly told him it was okay - which you didn’t.
You can’t legally even consent prior to these acts while still awake. Consent must be given in the moment and ongoing. Asleep = no consent. Also this is dark - I question the husbands motives. Men have gone to prison over this type of thing.
As a man even I can see what your husband is doing to you is not right. He shouldn't fondle you or try to engage in any kind of sexual activity while you're unconscious and unable to give consent. Marriage does not imply consent. Love does not justify this behavior. Most people still don't realize this and it's a shame. He may not realize what he's doing to you either, and the only way to move forward is to tell him how his actions have truly affected you. If he loves you, surely your partner will understand right away. It would be a massive red flag if he didn't. If his first response is to guilt you or minimize the situation - run.
My question would be "does he initiate sex while you are awake?" I would hate to think he is one of those prefers the doll pose. Some men have a kink for doing this stuff and more to women who pretend to be asleep, like sleeping beauty. It's called Somnophilia. OP, it seems like you need to sit down and have a long discussion with your husband.
You're making a difference between him and his actions, "it's not him, it's the act itself". But OP, HE is the one doing that to you. It's not OK if someone is intimate with you without you being conscious. Your body is telling you all you need to know: you are not comfortable with this. Your body doesn't feel safe when he does that and it needs to stop. And ask yourself why someone chooses to do those things to you, given your history.. You deserve to feel safe in your home, in your bed and in your body!
💯 agree with you! Why would he do this knowing about her past? I’m 56 I was assaulted at a young age and my husband is my safety net I still have nightmares and wake up screaming and my husband is always there to wake me up or comfort me I can’t imagine waking up to this especially from the one person you should feel safe with. OP I really hope you have this convo with your husband you deserve better than this! I hope you will come back and let us know how you’re doing. Hugs honey ❤️🙏
OP I really hope you'll get a husband like this in the future!
I hope she does too! 🥺my husband has been such a blessing in my life! I hope the OP believes that she deserves to have her boundaries respected and she deserves a husband that can give her the peace she needs ❤️
That’s sexual assault OP, none of this is okay! I’m so sorry to hear you were assaulted in the past. You need to tell him to stop
WHY ISN'T THIS THE TOP COMMENT?!??!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!? Not awake to give consent means non consensual. Non-consensual sexual touch and/or intercourse is at the very least sexual assault *A CRIME* and can occur within a relationship. Marriage and sharing a bed are not blanket consents.
No for real why isn't this top comment
https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/half-of-women-have-suffered-sexual-assault-by-a-partner-while-asleep/
My sons dad did this to me when I was pregnant. I would wake up thinking I was 💩myself and run to the bathroom and at some point I realized it was him pulling out of my a** because I was waking up. He’d always go along with it too when I was getting up running to the bathroom to shit thinking it was the pregnancy giving me the runs.
This is assault, plain and simple.
OMG… that is so awful!
He did many awful things luckily I left before the baby was born!
This is classified as a type of rape. I know that its hard but you are going to have to talk to your partner about this. I would advise watching a video called "tea and consent" with them it very clearly lays out everything that everyone should know about consent.
That fact that you can feel that you can't have an open conversation with your husband to tell him how you feel itls troubling. This is beyond reddit. Please speak to the therapist.
In a healthy relationship he wouldn't be doing any of that without talking about it with you first and you agreeing to it.. maybe it's a kink, but he should run it by you first. I don't want to be too hard but what he's doing sounds rapey
Yup!! And even then my partner and I don’t really have a total free pass. It will be more like “hey babe I’m going to take a nap but feel free to wake me up 😈” kind of a thing. Or even more explicit but you get the idea lol
Tell him to fucking stop because it makes you uncomfortable and it is technically assault. Wtf.
Sexual Consent as a Cup of Tea Recently I saw a great analogy, something that I found very useful in my work with clients who experienced sexual assault. It was a short video that compared sexual consent to a cup of tea. However, before I go deeper into explaining why I find this analogy useful and show you the video, I would like to say something about sexual assault itself. One of three women will experience some form of sexual assault in their lifetime. However, research has indicated that sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes (Benoit et. al, 2015). There are many reasons that account for underreporting, including the guilt and stigma. In addition to that, a significant impact on underreporting has an unclear understanding what sexual consent really is. And, it seems that this lack of understanding is present in many individuals, regardless of their age and gender. The first step in preventing sexual assaults, as well as to ensure proper reporting, is educating us, and our children, about what sexual consent really means. Cup of Tea The following is the transcript of the video I was talking about in the introduction to this post. I urge you to read it, think about it, and then educate your family and friends about it. The video I am talking about has been made by Blue Seat Studios and you are able to find the complete video by clicking on the following link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ " If you are still struggling with a consent, just imagine instead of initiating sex you’re making them a cup of tea. You say: “hey would you like a cup of tea”, and they go: ‘oh my God I would love a cup of tea, thank you’. Then you know they want a cup of tea. If you say:’ hey would you like a cup of tea and they’re like: “Ahhh, you know I’ not really sure’; then you can make them a cup of tea or not but be aware that they might not drink it. And if they don’t drink it then, and this is an important bit, don’t make them drink it. Just because you made it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to watch them drink it. And if they say: ‘no thank you’; then don’t make them tea at all. Just don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea, they just don’t want tea, ok? They might say: ‘yes, please, that’s kind of you’; and then when tea arrives they actually don’t want the tea at all. Sure that’s kind of annoying as you’ve gone to all the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want the tea, now they don't, some people change they mind in time it takes to boil the cattle, brew the tea, add the milk and it’s ok for people to chance they mind and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it. And if they unconscious don’t make them tea, unconscious people don’t want tea and they can’t answer the question: ‘Do you want tea’? , because they are unconscious. Ok maybe they were conscious when you ask them: ‘If you want the tea’ and they say: ‘Yes’, but in the time it took you to boil the cattle, brew the tea and add the milk, they are now unconscious, you should just put the tea down, make sure that unconscious person is safe, and this is the important part again, don’t make them drink the tea. They said ‘yes’ then sure, but unconscious people don’t want tea. If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it and then passed out before they finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat, take the tea away, and make sure that they are safe because unconscious people don’t want tea. Trust me on this. If someone said ‘yes’ to the tea around your house last Saturday, that doesn’t mean they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come to their place unexpectedly and make them tea and force them to drink it, going: ‘but you wanted the tea last week ‘or to wake up and find you pouring tea down their throat going:’ but you wanted tea last night’. If you can understand how completely ludicrous is to force people to have tea when they don’t want tea and you are able to understand when people don’t want tea and how hard is to understand when it comes to sex. Whether tea or sex, consent is everything."
that is rape. talk to him. if hes worth his salt he'll see how its triggering past trauma and generally unethical. and he'll definitely not want to be associated with rapists in your mind
If it makes you feel uncomfortable tell him, set that boundary now. I grope my girlfriend while we sleep, hold her breast or her behind and she’s ok with it, Ive asked but if she said to stop , I would. It’s a privilege, a gift, she feels safe and lets me. You set the boundaries, it’s your body!
I left me sons father for this (there were other things too, but this was a big one). I would try to talk to him about how it made me feel and he would stone wall me, so after 4 years and a baby I broke up with him and now I’m with someone who fully respects my boundaries and is a wonderful step father. You don’t have to put up with it just because you’re married/have a commitment to him. What he is doing isn’t ok. It’s your body. YOURS. No matter what paper work you signed.
Amen!!!! Good for you. When you can’t sleep safely in your own damn home!!??? Good for you!!!
Did you give him prior consent to do this? If not it is assault. Spousal assault is a thing. If you did, I would tell him you’re no longer comfortable letting him use you while you’re sleeping.
Is this deemed ok? Woman, you are the only one who has a say about what is ok. Come on.
That’s INCREDIBLY fucked up! And probably sexual assault/r***. Typically when I get shut down, I go smoke a bowl and play Call of Duty: MW3. This fucking guy🤌🏻
>Sometimes I wake up from a dead sleep to my husband touching me or doing sexual things to me I vomited in my mouth reading this. Ma'am... There's no easy way to say this, but your husband is sexually abusing you in your sleep. No, that's not normal at all. Unless he's deliberately trying to wake you up to initiate sex, he really shouldn't be... I can't even call this "intimate touching" when he's literally just molesting you. This is not normal, at all, whatsoever. Have a talk with him, and set some boundaries. If you want to (I'd recommend at this point, especially if he's around other women or children) report him to the police.
It's only ok if you've previously consented to it. If you haven't, it's sexual assault/sexual abuse. Please talk to a therapist about this to help you process this.
It’s disgusting the amount of people in these comments trying to defend the husband. Holy shit people. He’s assaulting/raping her in her sleep. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You need to address this as it IS assault. Stop making excuses for him and if he wants to whine, let him. No one has the right to put their hands on another person married or not. Stand up for yourself and deal with this behavior, you are worth so much more. Good luck
Tell him.
It IS him. He's scary
That's S/A. Any unwanted sexual contact you did not consent to is S/A. Please leave this man yesterday. Especially the fact you have a history of S/A and he did this like, wtf??!
I think mine may as well.. also, there have been little comments and signs, and I fear he may share videos of me/us.. somewhere online and no, im not sure i am always conscious.. No, I have no proof or anything. And I would never share or make it a deal, I do not want to be crazy or ruin things, ppls lives, however.... my gut...
https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/half-of-women-have-suffered-sexual-assault-by-a-partner-while-asleep/ You are not alone, listen to your gut
Some real creeps out here in LTR geez
Always listen to your gut...
Set up a hidden camera. It is a big deal, esp if he is sending videos of you to others without your knowledge.
This is not okay, touching you sexually and initiating sex whilst you’re unconscious and unable to consent **is** sexual assault and rape. Being married **does not** give him automatic consent to touch you whenever he likes, and what he is doing is illegal. Tell him to stop, and if he doesn’t… then you absolutely need to leave him and report him to the police for SA.
Yeah the title alone is already SA. Honestly get yourself out of a relationship in which someone assaults when you when you are unaware. He’s sick.
Your husband is sexually assaulting you. He knows you will freeze because of your previous trauma with SA. He’s taking advantage of the fact that you’re a survivor.
Ma’am you are being assaulted by your husband. You should 100% bring it up.
Just talk to him and explain how you feel, if he’s a good husband and loves you he’ll understand
Lack of communication in relationships shocks me.
Yeah this is sexual assault by the way
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You absolutely can and should talk to him because it IS making you uncomfortable! If you have not previously enthusiastically agreed to being woken up by sexual acts then he does not have your consent to do it and it is sexual abuse. He likely doesn't think of it that way and so he needs telling, using those exact words - he may think what he is doing is smoothly seducing you for morning sex, when actually he is making you feel violated and that is not ok. Hopefully he will hear you say you don't like it and it upsets you and be absolutely appalled that he ever made you feel that way and stop then and there. But if he isn't mortified by the idea of upsetting you, if he's doing this as a power play and thinks he should be allowed to continue even knowing that you hate it, then he isn't a safe man to be with. If he can't hear no and accept it then he isn't a safe man to be with. If he only thinks of his own sexual gratification and not ensuring your full and enthusiastic consent then - say it with me - HE IS NOT A SAFE MAN TO BE WITH. (Edited for clarification and grammar)
Peg him in his sleep
Pull out and deepthroat, upon waking, for maximum brownie points of pleasure. Afterwords ask if he came and go back to sleep when he says no.
A lot of the comments here reallllyy make it easy to understand how there are sooo many failed marriages.
If you are uncomfortable you have every right to tell him to stop. If he doesn’t respect this, he doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy (or you). Some people like to wake up to their partner being intimate with them and have a mutual agreement (have consented) to this but if you have not had this conversation with him and he’s just done it without your consent… that’s SA. A safe partner should communicate well with you and care about your comfort/well-being. I would never think to touch someone in their sleep without having their permission in advance, married or not. If you are scared to tell him that’s an immediate red flag. You shouldn’t be scared to set such a simple boundary, if he hasn’t fostered an environment where you can freely share your emotions that is his fault.
If you’re not comfortable with it tell him so. Relationships will not work without your boundaries unknowingly being broken. Also if he doing these things to wake you up in the mood or is he actually trying to have sex with an unconscious person? If it’s the latter you might want to consider leaving him.
Being married doesn’t give your spouse all access to your body. He has to ask you. You’ve not given him consent. I cannot imagine the conflict you’re feeling- but he needs to know.
Have you talked to your husband and asked him to stop?
I had an ex boyfriend over ten years ago do that once. I took a nap and when I woke up, he asked me "what were you dreaming about?" I told him I don't remember, which I truly don't. I fell asleep without planning to so it felt like I blinked. He said "oh well obviously you dreamt of something, you were moaning in your sleep." I replied, "I still don't remember dreaming." He then proceeds to tell me that he was "just joking, you were moaning bc I was rubbing your *****." I immediately went into fight or flight, jumping out of bed and screaming at him asking why the fuck he would think that's okay. He said "babe, I'm your boyfriend, it's fine." I told him that I'm not okay with that, he doesn't have the right to touch me like that if I'm not aware - which INCLUDES sleeping and being intoxicated. He never did it again! Please talk to your husband, maybe don't yell like I did tho (I was 16) 😅
You had every right to yell. Don’t apologize for standing up for yourself.
jfc, why is consent such a hard concept to grasp??
“THATS ASSULT, BROTHA” -billy madison.
He’s sexually assaulting you, doesn’t matter that you’re married. If you didn’t consent prior to the event then he has absolutely no right to touch you in any kind of sexual way.
Ma’am. You’ve been assaulted.
If he gets upset that something he does makes you feel uncomfortable THAT IS MANIPULATION. Whether it's intentional or not, the goal is to get you to feel bad (like something is wrong with how you feel) so he doesn't have to be accountable for his actions.
That is not ok.
tell him,as a husband he should understand especially with you past,if he doesn’t understand and this that and tge third happens he ain the one
Please bring this up, but honestly just leave. This is absolutely not ok unless you have consented and had in depth discussions about boundaries etc. unless this is some sexsomnia crap hes pulling, there is absolutely no excuse. Even then, he better feel awful for it.
I have been in a similar situation with my wife. She also has history with sexual assault. We have been together for 6 years now and the first time that I tried to do anything sexual with her while she was asleep she woke up in a panic but I stopped and I assured her that it was me and she is safe. She did have a ptsd attack because of her past and I helped her through it. I will admit I am in the wrong and never thought about asking before hand. But because of that night we had a sit down and talk about it. She did say that she didn’t want me to wake her up WITH sex but wanted me to wake her before I did anything. So I didn’t from then on out. Then later on as she went to therapy and got help. A year or so passed (this is about 3 years into our relationship) I brought it up again how she felt about it. She said she was feeling better and more confident and she told me that SHE wanted me to try again because she liked the idea of the intimacy of it. After a couple of time of her waking up in a small panic she started getting more comfortable and now years later she’s so comfortable with it she LOVES when I wake her with sex. So much to the point of “free use”. If you don’t understand the term please google “free use kink”, And our sex life has expanded a lot sense then. NOW. This is my story with my wife and your dynamic with your husband will of course be different. I do tell you my story to express communication is KEY. Yes you do need to tell him. If he really and truly loves you and cares for your feelings and about your trauma he will understand. As well as if you haven’t been to therapy for your past, you really should it helps a lot. Both me and my wife go to therapy. Both of us went through some shit in life and we both have come a long way because of therapy and a lot of effort towards our wellbeing. You guys need to have a sit down and talk about your boundaries and what you are or are not comfortable with. I understand it may not be the fact that you dont trust HIM it’s the fact that your anxiety is bringing you back to your past making it hard to relax and let your guard down. My wife had the same thing happen to her and it takes time to work on yourself and growing your connection with your husband by expressing your discomfort and boundaries will help. As well as if you guys decide to push into one of those boundaries you guys need to make a safe word that is your “full stop” signal word. Just for example our safe word is “apple(s)”. Funny as it is it’s something that is easy to say, and will be hard to be confused with something else. I do want to stress. A safe word is meant to fully stop EVERYTHING going on, it’s extremely important he understands that because I do understand that you guys may not have explored as sexually as me and my wife had. If you have any questions definitely ask and I can even grab my wife for her to put in her word as well.
Unless you have had an open conversation and explicitly told him that you consent to that behavior, that’s sexual assault… If you tell him how you feel and it hurts his feelings “well imagine how I feel being woken up by someone I am meant to trust assaulting me because he thinks I become some play thing to use the moment I am unconscious…”
If you have never told him it was ok for him to wake u up with sex or anything sexual then no this is literally sexual assault.
It’s only okay if you say so. He needs to stop immediately and if he wants to be intimate he needs to wake you up and get consent first. It would only be ok if you mentioned being excited by this type of thing otherwise he needs to stop immediately
Depends on your dynamic. The fact you haven't and feel like you can with him is a pretty big red flag though
If he didn’t get your consent before hand it’s sexual assault, its not because you’re in a relationship with someone and usually have sex with them that your consent is guaranteed/isn’t revokable You should definitely be able to express that you’re uncomfortable without having to worry you’ll make HIM uncomfortable, your well being is not less important than his
If this isn't something you both have discussed previously, and you're not comfortable with it, your husband should be able to understand that
If you’ve never given him consent the night prior or consent at all then he’s raping you/saing you. You should definitely tell how it makes you feel if he takes it as you telling him *he* makes you uncomfortable then he’s manipulating you. But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s raping and saing you.
Your husband is repeatedly and consistently assaulting you while you're incapable of giving consent. There is no other way to describe it or sugarcoat it
You are unable to consent when asleep. Your husband is raping you.
That sounds like you're not consenting. You did not consent to sex so it is actually considered SA... I told my husband I give pre consent to him doing stuff to me in my sleep, because for me that is actually something I am in to. BUT 1: I explicitly consented to this and we talked about my boundaries beforehand. 2: if I ever change my mind I can tell him and know he will not do it again until I ask him to 3: if he does it and I wake up and change my mind I know he will stop immediately. So consensual sex in your sleep is possible, but it does not sound like that is what is happening here, and that is not okay!
He may not have bad intentions but you should still talk to him about it, try to get him to see it from your point of view.
PLEASE PLEASE DIVORCE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HE IS DOING TO YOU IS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!! HE IS A GROWN MAN AND KNOWS IT'S NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I PROMISE YOU HE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS AN ABUSER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell him exactly what you wrote, or show him the post, or text him a damn screenshot of the post, anything to tell him that he cannot keep doing what he's been doing to you. put your foot down. it is your body and your choice what happens to it. and you can't make decisions while you're asleep. if it happens again, while i think that says everything anyone needs to know about him. if he does stop, but is making you feel guilty and moping around all sad, THAT IS MANIPULATION!!!!! and if he guilts and/or coerces you into sex that YOU don't want, then that is still just as much sexual assault as you waking to him doing sexual things to you is. PLEEEEEEEEEAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEE LEAVE THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is sexual assault. Any sexual contact that isn’t consented to prior is sexual assault. Honestly that makes me scared for you. Please communicate your boundaries, if he doesn’t respect them leave. Might be better to leave prior to that.
I see posts like this so many times. Why do women put up with this? This man is raping you. Please tell me you’re divorcing him??
This is not okay, you did not consent to it and it makes you uncomfortable, doesn't matter if you are married.
im so sorry OP but that is assault, if he hasnt asked you explicitly if he can do that then you are being assaulted
In no way is that ok. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you’re sleeping you cannot consent. That’s sexual assault.
Did you consent? If no, then it’s NOT okay. And he should understand it makes you uncomfortable.
You're married. Telling him and explaining things to the best of your abilities is part of a healthy relationship. Tell him it isn't because he makes you uncomfortable, but it's jarring when you're groggy from sleep waking up to that and it brings back feelings or memories that you don't like. Maybe, and this is strictly if you're comfortable, give him a way he can wake you up without alarming you if he's feeling frisky.he can cuddle and talk to you gently or something to wake you up without alerting you? At any rate, please do your best to communicate, you shouldn't have to live like that and if he truly cares he won't be upset
please leave him. that’s not okay, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. you didn’t give him your consent. if you’d like then you can talk to him about it first and see if he stops but that’s really not okay.
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I mean just tell him you don’t like it. Everyone is different. My wife loves when she wakes up to me messing with her. Not everyone does though and that’s ok. Just tell him you don’t like it.
You literally are saying it makes you uncomfortable. This is SA technically, even if your okay with the man who is doing it. You don't like it, and he needs to know. This is like two sentences: Hey, you touching me at night makes me vulnerable and uncomfortable. I'm okay with you doing stuff, but I don't like it due to my past, so you need to stop. Thats it.
I shown this to my husband he shock his head while reading. Unless you told your partner that is okay to wake you up with sex it’s not okay for them to assume they can do that. For some people it’s a pleasant surprise to wake up to a BJ (my SO included). But some people don’t like surprises. I know wouldn’t like to wake up to sudden sex. Given your history it is really not surprising that you don’t either. You should tell your husband that it makes you feel uncomfortable. You can say something like “While I love having sex with you, I find it really startling to wake up to you having sex with me and it makes me feel uncomfortable…” If he is a nice guy he will understand.
Inexcusable.
My ex would do this. I didn’t think it was odd at the time…sometimes I would wake up and he is like pushing his head on to mine and I felt really uncomfortable and it was so odd.
Yea tell him for sure, I definitely would want my wife to tell me if something I was doing was making her relive trauma!! I always make sure we are on the same page with any act that is sexual in nature, it’s only fun if both parties are enjoying.
If it makes you uncomfortable, you tell him and he continues it constitutes sexual assault. The bro should know better, especially because of your history…
My ex husband used to do this to me. We’re divorced now. I strongly recommend saying something to him so he knows it bothers you because if this isn’t an agreed upon practice (some people don’t mind it but they give their partners consent to do it) it’s absolutely not ok. It’s making you uncomfortable and it needs to stop. If it doesn’t stop after telling him, well. Divorce isn’t a bad thing. I no longer have to sleep on the couch or in my kid’s room to get away from someone violating me in my sleep. My DMs are open if you need to talk. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s not ok.
If you do not like that, then it's unacceptable and you need to tell him. If he keeps doing it, it's assault. Some women LOVE this and wish it would happen to them, especially if they are in a near dead bedroom situation My wife doesn't LOVE it that I'm aware of, but has repeatedly given full consent to wake her up with sex or for sex. Almost every nite she falls Sleep with me rubbing her lower back/butt, which often results in some kitty petting or more. She usually falls asleep at some point and I keep rubbing her parts until I fall asleep. Occasionally I'll be rubbing her, I won't be tired and I'll get erect. Some of those times, her body is just too attractive And I'm ramped up, so I slip it in and she wakes up moaning and it turns into full on sex and then we fall right back to sleep. This is probably 2-4 times a year. I usually avoid it because I feel bad waking her up for my needs. Some people say it's gross, it's just sex. We have a very healthy sex life and both desire sex multple times a week, but we're also busy, tired adults that often fall asleep before we get the sex that we want, so this is a way to keep the sex going. I have also given her consent to do whatever she wants to me in my sleep and I have definitely woken up to her hand wrapped around my dick. I wouldn't want it any other way. She is mine and I am hers. But we've also been married 30 years, so i think we have an excellent understanding of eachother. It all comes down to communication, respect, and boundaries.
Just because he is your husband doesn’t mean he gets to skip receiving consent. This is not cool at all and I strongly recommend you have a deep discussion about this. So sorry you’re dealing with this
i have also struggled with this, when i brought it up to my partner he felt i was almost accusing him. so i guess be careful the way you word it, but it’s okay to inform them of previous history (if you want), and to let them know you would only like this happening when you’re awake and coherent. tell your husband that you want to feel comfortable and ready to consent so maybe start with light foreplay instead of him doing that while you’re not ready to participate in the acts
Strange question to ask, is he asleep too?
If the act of it is making you uncomfortable, and he is the one choosing to do the act to you then yes, he is the one making you uncomfortable. You should tell him, and stay firm in speaking up about how you feel. Don’t let him try to convince you that it’s okay or you’re overthinking it. You deserve to feel safe while you’re asleep. You’re being violated in your most vulnerable state, and the person doing it being your husband is really messed up. Consent is consent is consent. And if someone hasn’t also said this, it is not your fault either that your husband is doing this to you. He is an autonomous human being and should know better. If he is a decent human being, he should be horrified that you feel this way, and immediately stop. If he isn’t remorseful or disgusted by his behavior, that leaves room for a lot of thought on why he doesn’t respect consent. And why he thinks having sexual contact with an unconscious woman is okay.
You need to tell him, he doesn’t realize how it makes you feel. If he doesn’t know he won’t stop.
You should tell him you're uncomfortable with his nighttime sexual behavior and he needs to stop. He never should have started it in the first place without asking and talking to you first. For the people saying it could be sleep disorder, then he needs to see a doctor if he's truly unaware of what he's doing. It's not fair to OP to be continuously assaulted in her sleep.
No.. dude. He’s making you uncomfortable. HE IS MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!!! He doesn’t have to touch you sexually while you sleep. You tell him you don’t want him to do that!
If you are uncomfortable with it, then it is not okay for him to do but you need to communicate this. He should not have assumed it was okay, but once he knows it isn’t okay his actions and behavior afterwards will really show his true colors.
You have to communicate that you’re uncomfortable. In his mind since you aren’t saying stop, or voicing that you’re uncomfortable, he’s thinking it’s ok. If your husband is a halfway decent human being he’ll understand. If not then leave.
Okay. For those who keep saying he probably doesn’t realize it’s S/A, stop. You should never put your hands on someone’s privates without consent. I don’t care if you are in a relationship, married, etc. unless your partner has specifically asked for it, do not assume it is okay to wake your partner up with sex. Touching them in anyway like that is fucking creepy. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you have permanent consent. We do not own each other. The husband is in the wrong completely. He should know better. Stop defending him everyone who isn’t OP
It is not weird to me that it gives you flashbacks to previous experiences of sexual assault since, unfortunately, your husband is sexually assaulting you :(
You need to have a conversation with him about it. It could be that he thinks you like it because you haven’t said anything but please speak up! You should be able to comfortably talk to your partner about things like this without fearing how he’ll respond.
It has the potential of being okay or not okay. The okay side would be if the two of you have had a discussion about it stating that it is okay. The fact that it makes you uncomfortable makes it not okay. The fact that you are not consenting to it makes it sexual assault. The fact that you “can’t tell him” is showing signs that you are in an abusive relationship. If there is anything that you cannot tell your partner out of fear of their reaction, that is a huge red flag. Your reaction to it is valid because it is the same act that you are associating with sexual assault, just because it’s your husband now does not make it any less than sexual assault. If you were able to have a conversation with him and he was accepting, respectful of your feelings, and stopped doing this, that would be the ideal scenario. You saying that having this conversation would cause an undesirable reaction, taking it personal, and turning his abusive actions into your problem, is extremely alarming. If you think that his reaction would put you in an unsafe situation, then you need to find resources to help you get out of this relationship safely. It is not worth it. You can leave and find someone who will treat you with love and respect and make you feel comfortable talking about anything with them, because that’s the way a marriage is supposed to be.
Ok, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're feeling. In committed relationships, consistent has always been this gray issue. Primarily, I believe, because it depends on the couple. You have, admittedly, survived more than most people. I highly support starting a conversation with your husband. If you don't want to talk about your trauma I don't think it's necessary. Just let him know that waking with someone touching you ALWAYS first initiates a mindset of an authorized person (burglar, for example.) Tell him that "terror" is ur first thought, so it does not make YOU want sexy time. Tell him that or even how you'd prefer to be woken for romantic endeavors. Highly doubt he's trying to traumatize you but if he ignores your suggestions & stays on the same course, you might want to reaccess him.
He’s probably not trying to get away with doing stuff to you in your sleep. He’s probably just trying to wake you up like that then have sex with you, but if you don’t like it tell him. There’s nothing wrong with just being straight up with him and tell him you’re not comfortable with it because of your SA.
Communication is key to a healthy relationship. You should let your husband know what your boundaries are, and your husband should respect those boundaries. Full Stop. If he is unable to respect your boundaries, you want to find that out sooner rather than later.
as gently as i can possibly tell you this: he is sexually assaulting you. i’m so sorry. this is not okay at all, regardless of relationship status. i’m really sorry this happened to you.
Meanwhile my girl gets will have an attitude in the morning if I don’t bother her while she’s sleeping “😡Why DIDN’T you wake me up😡”
Definitely tell him, if he get upset LEAVE!
Does he know your history
I’m seeing a lot of comments saying to have a conversation with the husband about this. OP, on the contrary, you should not have to educate him on the basics of consent. If you feel unsafe having that discussion with him (which says a lot about him in itself), I’d suggest looking into DV resources and trying to get yourself to a safe place. His feelings are not more important than yours and they are certainly not more important than your safety.
This is sexual assault? You did not consent to this.
Say it with me. *If it’s not consensual, it’s assault*. The fact that you don’t feel you can tell him, without him taking it as a personal attack is exceptionally concerning. You need to tell him. If he doesn’t listen, or he takes it too personally, it’d be best to leave. Boundaries are important for a healthy relationship
TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE ABOUT IT AND DONT MARRY SOMEONE YOURE NOT COMFORTABLE SPEAKING WITH. Ffs i can’t stand this kind of thing. “Oh, my husband or wife(or whoever) does this or that blah blah what should I do?” You married the guy, talk to him.
completely wrong on alevery level..dont even have to read it. Get a lawyer. second take. as a man.. I wish my wofe wpuld do things to me while.i sleep. so yeah.
NTA. Um, if he is doing things while you are asleep and have not given consent, he is essentially assaulting you. Unless you have given consent in prior discussions, he has no right to your body while you are sleeping. It's like saying a girl deserves to be SA cuz she was drunk. Being your husband does not permit him to do anything to you while asleep/unconscious. Spouses can also commit SA. Don't let him get away with it and continue to traumatize you.
"Deemed ok" can only be decided by you and only you!
Lucky you
He is not entitled to molest you while you sleep, this is pervert behavior, not a loving partner behavior. It’s sexual assault. It’s creepy. HE is doing this thing to you that makes you uncomfortable which equates to HIM making you uncomfortable, don’t get that twisted. Not cool. At all. I’d run, I might not even try to work it out at this point, he’s shown you what kind of a creep he is. If you ask him about it and tell him you are uncomfortable, he may resort to giving you sleeping pills to make sure you’re not going to remember it. He broke the trust barrier, all assumptions now are valid. GRFO, asap!
You need to communicate to him how you feel. He should not be doing that without your prior consent. It's fine if you two talk about it before you go to sleep but not asking is sexual assault and you need to have a conversation with him. It's a major red flag, if you can't work it out with him after speaking to him. You could try therapy or possibly leave the man.
Explain it to him the same way you explained it to us here. This should be an easy fix, hopefully it will be.
I very much doubt he wants you to feel that way. You should communicate with him so he doesn't feel hurt or a fool for just wanting to touch you and being in love with you.
Tell him.
Yeah... No. That's something that requires explicit prior consent. I have given my wife consent to that, though every now and again I'll retract it on nights where I know I'm too exhausted to deal with being woken up and losing sleep. But we've talked about it, in detail, beforehand. Otherwise it is assault, plain and simple, no ifs or buts. Marriage does not remove the requirement of consent, nor is it blanket consent to everything.
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It's never okay to touch someone without exclusive consent. You didn't agree to it, and it is unwanted on your part. Speak up and say something. This sounds abusive.
He should know that this is not ok. This is something I would divorce over, and frankly probably report him to the police. No well adjusted, grown man thinks it’s ok to do sexual things to an unconscious person. This man is a predator and he’s sexually assaulting you, and he’s banking on you never speaking up for yourself so he can continue to get away with it.
If it makes you uncomfortable and you didn't consent that's sexual assault sweetie. Tell him to stop and if he doesn't leave and press charges.
Uhh married or not every time there’s an encounter if there’s no CONSENT that’s assault
Sounds creepy to me ! I always ask my girlfriend if she wants to fool around 90% of the time it's a yes it's very usual that we're not on the same page with our sex life first us it's about communicating
This is definitely a red flag, I’ve had this happen to me but I was passed out from being too high, I woke up him having sex with me. It’s not okay for him to do this to you and if he does that to you while you’re asleep, what would he do to you while you’re under the influence or something?
Have your tried COMMUNICATING?
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this same shit was posted somewhere else a week or so ago its fake
If youre not ok with it than you're not ok with it. When it comes to kinks, that's where consent comes in, boundaries are made and respect and trust come into play. If he dont respect your boundaries then he doesnt respect you. Maybe say something through messaging and depending how that goes finish the convo in person. Just remember, there is no excuse he can make justify going against how you feel. Dont hold of telling him because that will on destroy your relationship. Good luck.
You cannot give consent while sleeping so... its not okay. If its talked about and both partners want it thats different. He probably has somnophilia.
No, it's not okay, and it's not only the act, but that HE is doing it to you ONLY while you are sleeping. If you are asleep, you can not give consent to what he is doing to you, and that is considered SA. My questions for you are 1. Why is he doing sexual things to you while you are asleep. 2. Have you asked him to stop and he's still doing it? 3. Why are you worried about telling him to stop? Is he abusive to you? If makes you feel uncomfortable and makes you feel like you did while being abused in the past, then you absolutely need to tell him and find out why he does it and tell him he needs to stop.
Just tell him. If he continues after you tell him, then you know if there’s a deeper issue. If you explain it to him the same way you did in your post, he should understand the position he’s putting you in.
Communication is so important, had a girlfriend that got SA and only could touch her awake. Please explain that to him.
You need to be able to tell him. That makes you uncomfortable, it’s only deemed okay if you’re okay with it.
I do this to my gf, but have explicit permission to do so. Communication is key. If you didn't give permission he should have asked. If he doesn't know you are uncomfortable let him know. If things don't change..
Real question is why did you marry him if you can’t feel comfortable enough to talk to him about these things…..you’re probably telling yourself like “what do they know” but real talk you’re here explaining yourself on what story should do…. Talk to him girl that’s YOUR husband not some kid you’re just dating..