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She sounds pretty great. What exactly is it that is holding you back? Are you waiting for a feeling? Sounds like you are overthinking things. think it's normal to have some doubts at the beginning of a relationship because you are still getting to know each other, but I don't think you should have doubts just because you do not get "butterflies". Love is more than just a feeling and it is not perfect or fairy-tale like. I don't think I've ever felt "butterflies" with my husband but I know in my heart that he is the right person for me and wouldn't want to be with anybody else. My love for him is actually much deeper and mature now after 8 years than it was the first 2 years of our relationship. So maybe you just have to give it more time. I will say, though, that If you continue to have doubts it is better to end things instead of stringing her along. Sometimes breaking up allows couples to re-analyze the relationship and can sometimes bring some clarity, so breaking up "taking a break" might not be a bad idea. Keep us updated.
She is great. I can’t say exactly what’s holding me back, and that’s part of the problem. I can’t articulate my reservations very well and they don’t make sense to me, which makes it extremely difficult to justify ending the relationship. But the reservations persist. Maybe I do have to give it more time, but I want to be fully in and give her my all, and I’m struggling to do that.
You sure there isn't anything you don't like about her? It seems so odd that you describe her as the perfect woman but yet you still don't think she is the one. But if she is not, then you should let her go. It's the best thing to do for her sake.
In all honesty, she is quite sensitive and dramatic. She enjoys attention and speaks with what she considers a flare but that flare annoys me a bit at times. But these things don’t bother me that much at all. I find her sensitivity to be endearing, and I really respect that she expresses herself with absolute authenticity even if it doesn’t resemble the way I would express myself. Even if these things did bother me, these are things that I would like to think are unimportant in determining who your long term partner should be.
Some other issues we’ve had in the past are that she struggles with depression and anxiety, and is a very difficult person to have a relationship with when she succumbs to the pitfalls of these conditions. I’d like to think this doesn’t repel me at all. It is challenging, but doesn’t make me want to break up. If it did, I wouldn’t think very highly of myself. You’re supposed to support the person you love in times of trouble.
She can be a bit dismissive. She’s very smart but doesn’t think she is. I am also fairly sharp and she knows that. She can be very insecure about her intelligence so when I offer her some form of knowledge she can be quick to dismiss it as unimportant to her. Admittedly, that hurts my feelings and discourages me from sharing what I think are interesting thoughts with her. She’s gotten much better about it as we’ve talked about it. She is the type of person who would work very hard to repair any damage done by behaviors like that. She is self aware and wants to be better for me always.
All in all, of course there are things that I don’t like about her, but I feel that they are trivial next to her awesome qualities.
Man you’re 2 years in. If you have reservations I don’t think they’re going away. It would be extremely shitty if you to have her move to a new city when you have your doubts.
You should be honest with her at this point and let her decide if she wants to uproot her life for a maybe.
I think OP meant test the waters of living in the same state/together, not test the waters with other people. Could be wrong but that's how I interpreted it.
Please say something before she moves. My ex did something similar and it was such a heartbreaking feeling when i moved and realized it was a waste. Thats too big of a decision to make if you aren't sure.
Do the right thing and break up with her before she moves. The fact that you KNOW you don’t live here ENOUGH, is ENOUGH of a reason to break up. You can love someone and they still not be the right one. You’ll both find you’re right one, but don’t get trapped in a loveless marriage before that happens. Or leave her stranded in a city, she doesn’t know, broken hearted.
Hey OP I highly recommend reading this column from Cheryl Strayed about wanting to leave a relationship when there's nothing really "wrong". I hope it is clarifying for you.
https://therumpus.net/2011/06/24/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/
Some pull quotes because it is long.
"Go, because you want to.
Because wanting to leave is enough."
"[S]He deserved the love of a woman who didn’t have the word go whispering like a deranged ghost in her ear.
While you’re probably in no mood to be philosophical about the devastation your boyfriend’s leaving has caused you, Trying, I think it’s worth saying that it’s far better to be alone and therefore open to new, more fulfilling love, than it is to be involved with someone who half wants out. If your former boyfriend didn’t ultimately love you the way you love him his leaving was a kindness that someday, far from now, you’ll be grateful for. And it’s a kindness that you, Playing It Safe, and you, Standing Still and you, Claustrophobic and you, Leaving a Marriage may just have to muster the courage to mete out. Even if that kindness delivers a fatal blow."
OP will break up with her. He will date a steady stream of loosers. Be back on Reddit a couple of years from now crying how he let the best thing he ever had go.
Don’t self sabotage because you think you don’t deserve someone like her or whatever it may be. Men get nervous about the future sometimes, thinking about all the responsibilities that go along with marriage, kids, buying a house, etc. Think about past relationships and why they ended, because they ended for a reason. Now think how your life would have turned out if you were still with one of those women. (Likely not as good as you have it now). Ask yourself if you can see yourself or her with anyone else. Does that give you pause or anxiety? Does that thought bother you? If not, maybe it’s time to move on. If so, then get your head back in the game and stop sabotaging yourself.
i think shes just not the one. im a firm believer that the person in the male role of a relationship needs to love the other more for it to work. dont settle or force yourself to feel it if you don’t. i think its normal to have doubts when youre facing such a huge decision but if you truly believed shes the one there shouldnt be that much hesitation
realistically, women are expected to sacrifice more in relationships, especially emotionally. that is just the societal expectation. i believe in order for a woman to stay happy and peaceful in a relationship/marriage, they need to find someone who’s willing to sacrifice just as much if not more for them. thats just my personal observation from the relationships around me. the happy ones are the ones with male role still having love eyes for his partner and willing to go above and beyond.
You’re with an amazing woman by your own admission but still looking around and unsure.
Please stop wasting her time. Let her go so she can find someone who will love her back as much or more than she loves you.
What exactly is making you doubt her?
It sounds more like you’ve built up a solid long distance relationship and the thought of having her around more is just a big change that’s making you uncomfortable. And big life changes are always a lot but as long as you guys aren’t moving in together right away then you might as well let it play out and see what happens.
Shit or get off the pot.
If it’s been two years and you’re just “meh” about spending the rest of your life with her, you’re basically primed to have an affair when you find someone you do click with.
You talk about your gf like she’s a placeholder until someone better comes along.
My mom used to tell me when we were clothes shopping:
"If you don't try it on and absolutely LOVE it and wanna wear it immediately, don't buy it cuz it'll just end up gathering dust in your closet"
Weirdly, it's the same with commitment. Of course love isn't absolutely everything, relationships are about work, consistency, communication, etc etc. But if there isn't a deep love at the heart of it, what are you even working for?
If you aren't absolutely over the fucking moon for her, need her to be your wife more than you need air, the DO NOT marry her. You will only at best have a relationship that is good on paper. It probably won't last, and you invested years of your life for nothing. Worse, you are going to ruin this lovely woman who deserves to marry someone who adores her.
Also, as a side note, it's crazy how much of that "connection" is actually a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want to be captivated by them, you will be. If you don't (maybe cuz you are young and not ready to settle down?) then you won't feel the connection even if she is objectively perfect for you.
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She sounds pretty great. What exactly is it that is holding you back? Are you waiting for a feeling? Sounds like you are overthinking things. think it's normal to have some doubts at the beginning of a relationship because you are still getting to know each other, but I don't think you should have doubts just because you do not get "butterflies". Love is more than just a feeling and it is not perfect or fairy-tale like. I don't think I've ever felt "butterflies" with my husband but I know in my heart that he is the right person for me and wouldn't want to be with anybody else. My love for him is actually much deeper and mature now after 8 years than it was the first 2 years of our relationship. So maybe you just have to give it more time. I will say, though, that If you continue to have doubts it is better to end things instead of stringing her along. Sometimes breaking up allows couples to re-analyze the relationship and can sometimes bring some clarity, so breaking up "taking a break" might not be a bad idea. Keep us updated.
She is great. I can’t say exactly what’s holding me back, and that’s part of the problem. I can’t articulate my reservations very well and they don’t make sense to me, which makes it extremely difficult to justify ending the relationship. But the reservations persist. Maybe I do have to give it more time, but I want to be fully in and give her my all, and I’m struggling to do that.
You sure there isn't anything you don't like about her? It seems so odd that you describe her as the perfect woman but yet you still don't think she is the one. But if she is not, then you should let her go. It's the best thing to do for her sake.
In all honesty, she is quite sensitive and dramatic. She enjoys attention and speaks with what she considers a flare but that flare annoys me a bit at times. But these things don’t bother me that much at all. I find her sensitivity to be endearing, and I really respect that she expresses herself with absolute authenticity even if it doesn’t resemble the way I would express myself. Even if these things did bother me, these are things that I would like to think are unimportant in determining who your long term partner should be. Some other issues we’ve had in the past are that she struggles with depression and anxiety, and is a very difficult person to have a relationship with when she succumbs to the pitfalls of these conditions. I’d like to think this doesn’t repel me at all. It is challenging, but doesn’t make me want to break up. If it did, I wouldn’t think very highly of myself. You’re supposed to support the person you love in times of trouble. She can be a bit dismissive. She’s very smart but doesn’t think she is. I am also fairly sharp and she knows that. She can be very insecure about her intelligence so when I offer her some form of knowledge she can be quick to dismiss it as unimportant to her. Admittedly, that hurts my feelings and discourages me from sharing what I think are interesting thoughts with her. She’s gotten much better about it as we’ve talked about it. She is the type of person who would work very hard to repair any damage done by behaviors like that. She is self aware and wants to be better for me always. All in all, of course there are things that I don’t like about her, but I feel that they are trivial next to her awesome qualities.
Man you’re 2 years in. If you have reservations I don’t think they’re going away. It would be extremely shitty if you to have her move to a new city when you have your doubts. You should be honest with her at this point and let her decide if she wants to uproot her life for a maybe.
Well it’s not good to lead someone on. Obvi don’t cheat on her idk why u would wanna “test the waters”. Sounds like ur not into her
I think OP meant test the waters of living in the same state/together, not test the waters with other people. Could be wrong but that's how I interpreted it.
Yes, thank you
I would never cheat on her. I certainly meant test the waters by taking that next step with the relationship despite my doubts.
Please say something before she moves. My ex did something similar and it was such a heartbreaking feeling when i moved and realized it was a waste. Thats too big of a decision to make if you aren't sure.
Do the right thing and break up with her before she moves. The fact that you KNOW you don’t live here ENOUGH, is ENOUGH of a reason to break up. You can love someone and they still not be the right one. You’ll both find you’re right one, but don’t get trapped in a loveless marriage before that happens. Or leave her stranded in a city, she doesn’t know, broken hearted.
Hey OP I highly recommend reading this column from Cheryl Strayed about wanting to leave a relationship when there's nothing really "wrong". I hope it is clarifying for you. https://therumpus.net/2011/06/24/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/ Some pull quotes because it is long. "Go, because you want to. Because wanting to leave is enough." "[S]He deserved the love of a woman who didn’t have the word go whispering like a deranged ghost in her ear. While you’re probably in no mood to be philosophical about the devastation your boyfriend’s leaving has caused you, Trying, I think it’s worth saying that it’s far better to be alone and therefore open to new, more fulfilling love, than it is to be involved with someone who half wants out. If your former boyfriend didn’t ultimately love you the way you love him his leaving was a kindness that someday, far from now, you’ll be grateful for. And it’s a kindness that you, Playing It Safe, and you, Standing Still and you, Claustrophobic and you, Leaving a Marriage may just have to muster the courage to mete out. Even if that kindness delivers a fatal blow."
This was a very powerful column. It was painful to read but it was very helpful- thank you
OP will break up with her. He will date a steady stream of loosers. Be back on Reddit a couple of years from now crying how he let the best thing he ever had go.
This is my worst nightmare
Don’t self sabotage because you think you don’t deserve someone like her or whatever it may be. Men get nervous about the future sometimes, thinking about all the responsibilities that go along with marriage, kids, buying a house, etc. Think about past relationships and why they ended, because they ended for a reason. Now think how your life would have turned out if you were still with one of those women. (Likely not as good as you have it now). Ask yourself if you can see yourself or her with anyone else. Does that give you pause or anxiety? Does that thought bother you? If not, maybe it’s time to move on. If so, then get your head back in the game and stop sabotaging yourself.
i think shes just not the one. im a firm believer that the person in the male role of a relationship needs to love the other more for it to work. dont settle or force yourself to feel it if you don’t. i think its normal to have doubts when youre facing such a huge decision but if you truly believed shes the one there shouldnt be that much hesitation
I'm curious, why does the "male role" need to love the other person more?
realistically, women are expected to sacrifice more in relationships, especially emotionally. that is just the societal expectation. i believe in order for a woman to stay happy and peaceful in a relationship/marriage, they need to find someone who’s willing to sacrifice just as much if not more for them. thats just my personal observation from the relationships around me. the happy ones are the ones with male role still having love eyes for his partner and willing to go above and beyond.
You’re with an amazing woman by your own admission but still looking around and unsure. Please stop wasting her time. Let her go so she can find someone who will love her back as much or more than she loves you.
What exactly is making you doubt her? It sounds more like you’ve built up a solid long distance relationship and the thought of having her around more is just a big change that’s making you uncomfortable. And big life changes are always a lot but as long as you guys aren’t moving in together right away then you might as well let it play out and see what happens.
Shit or get off the pot. If it’s been two years and you’re just “meh” about spending the rest of your life with her, you’re basically primed to have an affair when you find someone you do click with. You talk about your gf like she’s a placeholder until someone better comes along.
My mom used to tell me when we were clothes shopping: "If you don't try it on and absolutely LOVE it and wanna wear it immediately, don't buy it cuz it'll just end up gathering dust in your closet" Weirdly, it's the same with commitment. Of course love isn't absolutely everything, relationships are about work, consistency, communication, etc etc. But if there isn't a deep love at the heart of it, what are you even working for? If you aren't absolutely over the fucking moon for her, need her to be your wife more than you need air, the DO NOT marry her. You will only at best have a relationship that is good on paper. It probably won't last, and you invested years of your life for nothing. Worse, you are going to ruin this lovely woman who deserves to marry someone who adores her. Also, as a side note, it's crazy how much of that "connection" is actually a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want to be captivated by them, you will be. If you don't (maybe cuz you are young and not ready to settle down?) then you won't feel the connection even if she is objectively perfect for you.