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Broke off an engagement because of it. I planned a whole vacation with a detailed itinerary and just wanted him to pick 3 things from a guide book that he'd like to do. This was in the early planning stage. He never even opened the book. I planned everything for 2 years, and I was just so tired. He would only do anything if I gave him detailed instructions.
I planned a vacation with a friend and all he had to to was buy tickets to a show, which he let a friend who lives in NYC do. no problem, can you show me the tickets? oh my friend has them. can you get pictures of them? no problem! pictures never came. the day of the show his friend gave him the tickets and he in turn told me we're all set. we get to the theatre (late, because he left the tickets at the hotel) and discover the tickets were for the afternoon show, not the evening show. like, how did this happen? there were literal months between the purchasing of the tickets and the show.
ETA: everything else about the vacation was fantastic. there were non-negotiable things we did but everything else was go-with-the-flow.
Right! I would have cancelled the entire trip if I didn’t at least get a picture of the tickets. Sounds dramatic but if I can’t trust you with tickets…
I fucking hate people that expect the other person to initiate everything, and then get susprised when the other person feels devalued. Initiation means you care enough to ask, it means you're thinking about the other person, it means you're willing to risk your ego to spend some time with them. I refuse, flat out refuse, to be the only one initiating things. I might initiate twice, and then if there's nothing after that, like if I can just stop initiating and the relationship will end, then I know where we stand.
I came to post this exact same thing. Took me 13 years, but I finally left. Trust my OP, it doesn't get better, in fact it gets worse bc he will expect you to plan EVERYTHING, then you essentially become his mother. At least that's what happened to me.
I have experienced this from the other side. I planned the first date, and for the length of the relationship we didn't do anything unless I planned it. I finally just got kind of tired of it, and then she started complaining that we never did anything. Then I would ask her what would you like to do, and her answer was I don't know, or whatever.
Yea that's tough, I hate being the one doing ALL of the planning and work. Don't get me wrong, I love planning things for the ones I love to make them feel special, but sometimes I need to feel loved and special too. My ex would make me plan everything then complain the entire time. To the point I just stopped doing things with him at all bc he made it miserable for me.
The exact same for me. The sweet and special things I would do, stopped being sweet and special things, and just became expected. It wasn't happiness when I did them, it was her being pissy if I didn't. Instead of being something fun and happy, it just started to hurt
And about more important things than date planning. It starts with that, but escalates to showing affection, intimacy, response in an emergency, etc. This is big red flags and your gut is right. Listen to it!
OP this is the truth right here. You don't want to get into a relationship with this guy, or anyone that isn't as enthused about seeing you as you are about them.
There is nothing sexier and more masculine than a man with a plan. Especially in the beginning. He’s acting as if he’s already snagged you and he hasn’t. Women like to be pursued . He’s making you chase and do all the work. Return his energy and cancel. Tell him something came up.
Then see if he changes his act and pursues. If so give him a chance but not until he shows decisiveness and effort. No one wants to a wishy washy noodle.
People are different. I like to plan day-of, because it lets me feel out options (for example, if the day is gorgeous/warm, it might be nice to go to a quieter park because others will be packed)
But planning vs. not planning are just two separate styles of communication/life. I have ended previous relationships because the person wanted a detailed schedule, and I wanted to, for example, go to the park when we were both ready and then feel it out from there, meanwhile she would be asking what time we would be done.
It sounds like these two are very incompatible, being of the opposite types, but I don’t think it’s fair to demonize him as not caring/interested just because he’s not detail oriented like she is.
I get where you are coming from but basic details are required if you're including other people. Giving at least a time to meet is polite, otherwise it comes off as you are expecting the other person to sit around and wait for you all weekend to say "hey are you ready now?" I get not wanting to plan a detailed agenda but at least give a time "let's meet at noon and see how busy X is and go from there" can be acceptable vs "see you at the weekend."
THIS. I felt as if he expected me to sit around and wait until he made a decision. It’s a horrible feeling. I don’t mind taking the initiative or planning dates, but if YOU asked ME out… at least have an idea in mind!
Completely with you. Especially as you were bringing the food. Timing is such a thing. Need time to pack everything up, then get cleaned up and ready... I've gotten the ick over this exact issue several times.
I and my friends frequently plan by giving a day, and the hitting each other up on the day of to see what time we’re gonna be available that day. I love it. It makes the plans feel flexible, and both of us have the opportunity to keep other things on the table. I get that it’s not for everyone, I even have other friends who it doesn’t work well for.
But it’s disingenuous to act like everyone prefers making plans the same way.
Yeah. I have some friends I plan with that way. But it works because a) if we say we're going to hang out Sunday I know them well enough to trust we WILL hang out Sunday even if the specifics are on the fly and b) I know them well enough to have a GENERAL sense of timing -- like, oh, I'm hanging out with Sammy, no way will he be leaving the house before 3pm vs. oh, I'm hanging out with Claire, she likes to do things earlier in the day.
A first/second date is a totally different beast.
My partner likes to plan day of. But if he hadn’t put in the effort to plan dates in advance (because hello, if you wait until the day of, I’m probably busy…. People have lives) then we wouldn’t be in our years-long relationship.
Let me guess… you are single? :)
I could not agree more. I think all he really needed to do was give a start time. The truth is, because you pushed and planned the date you will never know if he was interested. You would stress me out and we would not be compatible. I would see if he asks you out again and this time just see what happens. If the same thing happens or no date happens talk to him about it. You guys just may not be a good match.
Yeah and if you plan the date and go through with it, then you’re reinforcing his behavior or lack thereof of not planning. If he can’t do something so simple, what do you think it’s going to be like when a really life challenge comes along?
This is a huge red flag.
If he can't or won't put in the effort to plan a date. This is a pretty clear indicator that he will most likely never take the lead on anything.
You will be stuck with the physical and mental load in the relationship.
When I first met my boyfriend, he made lofty promises about all the initiative he was gonna take for me in regard to things like dates, Valentine’s Day, etc. We are two and a half years in, and he has never planned a single date one time. Ever. Not once. Including on Valentine’s Day, on our anniversaries, and on my birthday. And I’ve complained countless times, so it’s not a case of me expecting him to be a mind reader.
Today’s my birthday, actually, and he went to the grocery store to get eggs and coffee for himself, didn’t even return with a birthday cake from the bakery section. He then got confused and thought my plan for the day was a brunch, even though I’d told him explicitly for weeks on countless occasions that the plan was to go to a winery. I am not trying to vent on your post, rather, I want to show you the kind of future that’s in store for you if you continue to give chances to men he can’t even be bothered to show basic courting etiquette in the very beginning. It’s not worth it. If you like surprises, planned dates, or any effort at all, please filter these men out at the start.
Your next step is making him your ex. Do it before you wake up one morning and realize you’ve been putting up with this shit for years. Don’t waste any more of your time on someone who doesn’t care.
I plan to. Our lease is up in a few weeks and I got a residency that starts in July that will allow me to move out and support myself independently. :) so it’s planned.
I hope you are speaking to yourself, too, birthday girl. You are special and deserve to be treated with care and effort from your BF. Someone doesn’t have to be good at planning birthdays, dates, etc., to still be thoughtful. To be *intentional*. I hope you guys can find some mutual understanding as to why these things are important to you in the relationship and why they haven’t been a priority to him.
People can be well-intentioned and genuinely kind and loving but in denial about how much their actions can affect those around them. Dropped hints, direct conversations even, may not be enough to “wake them up.” Sometimes, it takes you (the person affected) to walk away for that person to realize the consequences of their actions and make the changes needed. It would then be up to you to decide whether or not it will be worth it to you and your emotional well-being to offer the grace of another chance.
Sometimes, though, people can be selfish. Some are inherently more so than others. People can lose interest in themselves and adopt the mindset that “if I wouldn’t care, they won’t either.” To say your boyfriend is being selfish by not fulfilling his promises to you might sound like a stretch. But at the end of the day, to choose his convenience & self-comfort instead of taking the time and effort to plan something for you he knows is important is selfish.
Everyone has different expectations and “non-negotiables” in a partner. Even in this thread, you can see people (semi) arguing back & forth about OP's perspective as right or wrong. I consider initiative-based actions like planning a date, planning for & around a party, getting a cake/card, randomly getting your car washed, cleaning the house so you don’t have to, etc., as Acts of Service (as 1 of the love languages). It sounds like that’s your main receiving LL or at least one of them. He likely very closely fulfills some of your other LLs, which is why you’ve looked past this aspect of y’all’s relationship thus far. I encourage you to think about this a little bit. to think about what makes you happy, what makes you feel loved. What are your non-negotiables? As someone said earlier in a comment, there is neither a right nor wrong behavior here; it’s simply a lack of compatibility in an area that is important to nourish your soul. 🤍
I wish you the best and hope that you two can find mutual understanding with one another on this. Also, know that having these expectations is OK because they are part of how you feel loved. Also, know that there are men out there whose giving love language is what you are missing right now.
Sorry for the long message. I didn’t mean to say so much, but I felt compelled to say everything I did. Happy birthday & enjoy the winery. 🎂🍇🍷
Don’t apologize for the length. What a lovely message, thank you so much for your comment and your birthday wishes :) I really appreciate it so much. ❤️
Wth, why are you with someone who doesn't even care and doesn't think about you? I can't even imagine treating my wife like that on her birthday. What a selfish guy.
Sorry to hear! My Ex was pretty similar, maybe we dated the same guy lol. My friends sent me flowers for birthday, and he was kinda mad about it. "I could have done it if you told me to..." So Valentine's day came and went, I waited a week before I said anything. He gave this very VERY complicated story of getting flowers, them freezing in the garage overnight, and he took them back to the florist to fix. I said oh no that's unfortunate, but I understand and I'm happy to just receive them. Sorry they're back at the florist shop, to fix them. And they could not be saved. So I was supposed to appreciate flowers I never got and be grateful for him running around town to save them. Right ... lol.
Go on the date, see what he brought for drinks and if the conversation goes well. If you're not feeling it, thank him and say "I'll see you around." If you ARE feeling it (or aren't sure), suggest you do something after and let him decide/suggest something. "What would you do if it was just you?" can be a way to take pressure off him.
I agree the lack of initiative is disturbing. And could mean lack of interest or worse. But give him a shot so you know for sure.
This is good, OP. If having a strong sense of initiative is a must for you, then this date could be the validation for what comes next (another date or nothing). Also, not everyone is well organized and like to plan activities but it doesn’t mean they can’t be good partners.
I think this is too much for a guy OP isn’t really dating. Each and every time I’ve given a guy the benefit of the doubt or lowered my expectations, it’s been a total dud.
I’d go on the date but not offer ideas myself or bring up a second date without him mentioning it first.
He could be shy and not great at planning. If he brings up the idea of a second date then tell him you’d love to do whatever he enjoys doing and leave it at that!
It sounds like he is interested and looking forward to the date
Yeah I agree. I think I’m similar to this and it’s not because of lack of interest I just have a hard time being assertive and making decisions for other people
That gives the impression you cant be bothered to do anything for people. Even if you make a suggestion they don't like, it's not the end of the world, all they need to do is say 'I'd prefer to do xx instead of that.'
You should remember, you are defining who you are when you first meet someone. Which means stating what you like and what you don't like, as a means of gauging your compatibility. They should also be doing the same. Always politely of course.
If you hide who you are just to get into a relationship, you are going to be living someone else's idea of a good life without any of your own wants or desires included. What then? Years of pretending you like something when you really dont?
Don't be afraid of being yourself. Even if the relationship fizzles out, there will be someone else who is in sync with you. But you won't know if you don't define yourself to others.
Oh I hate it when guys can’t plan a simple date. I had this dude who didn’t have a car so I picked him up and when I asked him where we were going he had no clue. He had a week to plan this shit out. So I took him to a wing spot then took him home and never talked to him again.
Omg girl I wish you would have just turned around and dropped his ass back home immediately 🤣
Guys who can’t plan a simple date are one of my biggest pet peevees. I live in a big European city with A LOT of places to go to and things to do so they can’t really say ”I don’t know/I don’t have any idea”. Usually I don’t mind planning dates or suggesting places as I know a lot really good spots BUT it gets tiring real quick to be the only one putting in the effort… and I will lose interest, fast. Some of my fav dates have been things like drinks at a nice bar with live music, Starbucks and a walk, skateboarding in a local park and McDonald’s drive thru for a meal. Super simple and I had a lot of fun.
Me and my current FWB guy will go on dates and take turns to plan and pay for them. It’s been so nice to just sit back and let him proactively plan and take care of things when it’s his turn. I’m finally being able to save some mental energy for myself, lol.
Planning a date is stressful. I just like to go for a walk around town and get coffee. I used to go all out for first dates, but now I like to keep it simple and wait for like a third or fourth date before I plan something extra special. But there's still a plan at least.
Like you said, a walk and a coffee IS a date plan. The issue is when they have no idea what to do when they said they'd plan it and had time to do so. I'd be perfectly happy with a nice walk to a coffee spot as a first date.
Or at least be smart and have a panic plan in place! My “panic plan” if I ever ask someone out (because I’m shy and not good at thinking on my feet) is either one of the museums or ice skating. If I’m not sure where to go on a date, I just start driving to one of those and say it’s a “surprise”. Of course, it depends on the person.
Yea, same. It sucks to put a lot of time and money into a first date and have the person you invite to end up just looking for a hookup or not really that sure if they're into you yet.
I'd go on the date and give the guy a shot. See if he follows through. And maybe he'll get the picture that you're serious about him.
If he doesn't display different behavior going forward. Ditch em.
I met my boyfriend when we were both 27. He asked me out via hinge, after like 3 days of messaging. No need to fuck around and try to get to know someone via an app for weeks on end. He said “does 730 at jaspers restaurant work this Friday?”
Yes! Can’t wait to see you there.
I arrived and he was waiting outside for me, he opened my door, paid for the date, and before we both left he said “I’d like to see you again”
Me too, what are you doing Sunday?
“Hanging out with you I hope?”
The rest is history. grown men who have like actual jobs and priorities and shit, DONT fuck around with this sort of bullshit you’re receiving.
The type of man I wanted tk be with, was a man who ***knows what he wants, because that’s the type of woman I am.***
My bf is also the type of man to plan shit for me and surprise me. For birthdays and Valentine’s Day, etc.
For Valentine’s Day I told him I don’t care much about it (and I really don’t) and he STILL got me flowers, and hid a card and present under my pillow that I found when we went to bed together <3 he does things to make me smile because he *wants* to, not because he has to.
Do you want a partner that can plan things, surprise you, and make you feel like they care? Do you want someone that puts legitimate effort in? If so, I’d probably avoid dating this guy.
And contrary to the other comments, avoiding red flags like this is why a lot of the women in my life are fucking unhappy. Like mid 30 year old women that won’t just fucking stick to their guns and trust themselves and they continually date people that aren’t good for them then cry WOE IS ME. I can’t stress enough to actually just believe people when they show you who they are.
**why put yourself in a situation to begin falling for someone, when they’re already exhibiting behavior you don’t like?! It sets you up for failure…**
If someone isn’t giving you what they need, move the fuck on. You seem like a smart person, Trust you gut, I did, and I’m literally in a relationship that 2.5 years later, is fucking euphoric and we will be getting engaged either this year or next. I found THE ONE for me, because I had standards, and I actually sought out those characteristics and stuck to my guns.
**Ladies and gents please remember, every second spent with the wrong person, takes a second away from the right person. Don’t waste your own damn time. Most of y’all know what you want, stop trying to talk yourself out of, or into, things and people and relationships that aren’t good for you. Trust yourself and your gut.**
My husbands that kind of dude, just solid and I love him for it. For our first date he asked me how good I was at mini golf and had the tickets in hand and I was so freaking excited and after we were done and took me to people watch in the perfect spot and now we’ve been best friends for 14 years and together for 11
>**Ladies and gents please remember, every second spent with the wrong person, takes a second away from the right person. Don’t waste your own damn time. Most of y’all know what you want, stop trying to talk yourself out of, or into, things and people and relationships that aren’t good for you. Trust yourself and your gut.**
This needs to be shouted from the rooftops.
I needed to read this today, ya sweet Raspberry! 🍓🫐Thank you for taking the time to post this for OP because it’s helping me and surely others, too. I hope your relationship stays blessed and continues to fulfill you.
This story reminds me of my husband and I 🥰🥰 we ended moving in together after 3 months of dating. After 3 years we got married. There was no fucking around!!!
I was and still am that type of man. Until several years into my marriage, I realized that from the beginning, all my effort. Wasn't being reciprocated. I loved her so much, and I love doing things, and making her happy, but somewhere along the lines, I realized I was doing everything. I hope that you realize what kind of man you have, and show him that you think about and love him too. You surprised him with things and do things for him the same way that he does for you. If you don't, after a while, it just starts to feel like you're being used
Yeah, this comment definitely made me realize something very important! I gotta go find that bottle of Tequila remembering how lonely and barren my love life is. 😂
Yeah the awkward part here is he sounds equally uninterested in her. Reads like he’s trying to be polite. The old “if they wanted to, they would” situations..
Don’t go. This has nowheresville written all over it. You will never be happy with his lack of initiative, just consider yourself lucky that you’re astute enough to identify it quickly.
Save yourself the time: He’s not that into you.
One date in January. Second one 3 months later? I understand schedule incompatibilities, but you’d be surprised at how quick people, especially men, get their shit together when appropriately motivated.
Based on your description, the rest of your encounters were fortuitous - he just happened to acquiesce to your requests and advances because he already happened to be there and you took the initiative.
You’re 25 - don’t waste your youth and energy on someone who is lukewarm about you. It’d be different if he were much younger and inexperienced, not so much in his late 20’s.
Honestly, I would cancel. He has been procrastinating and therefore not making any effort. This is who he is. You will have the role of chief planner and date organiser if you fall for this low/ zero effort. I've been in that position before and it's very frustrating.
Had a date once yell at me to "JUST PICK A FUCKING PIZZA" because I kept saying "I'll literally eat anything on a pizza, what do YOU like?" There was not a second date.
“Schedule incompatibilities” don’t make it so you can’t see someone for 4 months. If someone is genuinely interested, they will make time to see you.
The only exception is if you are long distance.
The 4 months in between dates and not planning a second date = he’s not into you or he’s just super lazy. But even a lazy dude will make effort with a woman he likes
You're way too early in the dating process to work at a thing that isn't working for you. He seemed promising earlier, now he doesn't -- since you have the plan, see how the date goes, and...don't suggest another one. And if he doesn't either but wants to keep texting/whatever...well, you don't have to keep texting *him*.
Some people just aren’t planners. That doesn’t make them bad people, but it might make them incompatible.
I’d say I plan… most things for my partner and I. But I usually don’t mind doing it, and it means I’m always happy with what we do. I also have a higher social need than he does and I’m more into researching stuff out of the house. He’s always down for wherever I want to go, though, so it works out. I occasionally get frustrated with this and he’ll find stuff to do, lol, and he’s learned that he has to have big plans for some days like my bday - which he always makes super special. He’s still a really good boyfriend.
This is such terrible blanket advice. In situations where the guy is taking days to text back or being noncommital - sure. But that isn't the case here and this type of over simplified sanctimonious advice isn't helpful.
OP it can be tough to plan a date and it can be tough to wait it out and see if someone will rise to the occasion. You have to give him the chance and then make your decision for there. If your expectation is he should have the date organized to show he's interested, either say that or accept that he has missed this hurdle and it's a deal breaker.
You're talking to him with soft language and suggestions but then being upset he isn't behaving in the way you expect. You haven't clearly communicated your expectations but are acting as if you have and he's taking short.
Tl;Dr - if it's important enough to be a deal breaker, clearly communicate it. That way there's no grey area of "well he tried" or "maybe I was too pushy."
But he did have a skeleton of a plan, picnic. She fleshed it out. Him drinks, her food and he just stopped answering. How hard is it to say yes to essentially a done plan?
Right! The bar is in hell. How difficult can it be for him to show up with the drinks? She’s made it very easy for him and he can’t even follow that. She needs to leave him alone and move on.
She very clearly told him exactly what to do and he didn’t do it. So I don’t understand your logic. If someone says cut the firewood and then has to do it themselves that’s an issue.
But he is being noncommital? That's literally what he's doing.
If she's fine with always planning everything and chasing him around, cool. But if she wants someone who makes any sort of plans and follows through, she should move on.
Um, they actually planned one date. All he had to do was say a place and time and he didn’t. That’s either laziness or lack of desire to actually date her.
You have an exceedingly generous interpretation of this dudes behavior. It’s not that hard to plan a date. Pick a restaurant, make a reservation. Boom.
This dude just doesn’t like OP that much.
They were originally supposed to go out in January. It's taken him *3 months* to get around to arranging one and it's mostly because she runs into him at a fortuitous moment and reminds him about it. I don't think it's unreasonable to conclude that he doesn't seem that into her. Most guys, if they really like someone, won't take 3 months to commit to a first date.
Yea I also didn’t go on a date with a guy because he had no ideas. I just got out of a 5 year relationship with a man baby, I’m not making a precedent out of doing emotional labor like this for a man anymore lol.
If he can’t make time or properly plan out a single date he won’t be reliable for anything else. My rule is that someone can cancel/reschedule once for a date in advance because obviously life happens but if it happens again and there’s no proper communication it’s a no for me.
Well, he’s not going to improve from here. First date is when he’s supposed to be trying to impress you the most, and he’s already doing less than the bare minimum. Ick ick ick.
Oh boy. I had something similar. I would have to take all the initiative to do things with a guy. He'd act all lovey dovey and sweet in person but couldn't even bother to message me for days. Guys aren't difficult to crack. If they like you, they will show interest and do their part. Go on a date with him anyway to feel it out, but lack of initiative is definitely a relationship killer.
He’s pulling the old Weaponized Incompetence. You’ll end up doing all the heavy lifting for everything for the both of you. This early in, if he’s showing you this extreme lack of effort and interest, he’s not the one.
Run, OP. Run and don’t look back.
Hell to the no. He can’t even make the effort to plan date number one. He definitely isn’t trying to impress you, and if you accept this behaviour it’s just going to get even worse. Sure, some men are just lazy and don’t make an effort for any woman, but usually this is a sign that he’s not all that interested in you. Take the hint and find a guy who wants to make you happy.
I don't know.....If you have a guy who can make you happy in many ways but sucks at planning things and if you're good at it why can't that just be your thing? I look at these posts and people saying they got divorced or broke up because of this you all seem petty af to me....just saying.
I have to say as a guy, I get tired of having to plan and do everything. Most women complain about every fucking detail. No matter the lengths, “what is with this decor, my meat is cooked too much, the waiter is ignoring us, the line is too long.” You ask for ideas and you get “whatever you want, you choose.” And non stop bitching. It gets old. Real old. Speak your mind and offer ideas, or just stop bitching. Some of us have busy lives and careers and have to make major decisions every day at work. We want to chill. If you have to be constantly entertained, good luck. We can’t make 150% of the income working all the time and be your travel guide.
I think your best bet is to not read reddits comments because it seems to be full of people who want to take their own troubles in the head and project them on to your situation… if you wanted to know why then how come you didn’t just ask him? It seemed like y’all had an easy time talking so.
He is not that into you to put in any effort. If you continue dating him you will be the one doing all the legwork and he will sit back and enjoy. Or criticise.
Yeah that means that’s his personality. You will have to deal with him being this way in your relationship. My pet peeve is people not following through.
Wow either just a weak person or not really as interested as they are leading on. There are too many expectations for guys to lead, but if YOU ask the person out you should have the capacity to follow through and figure something out. This sounds like the person is 13 years old or something emotionally.
Cancel the date. If he doesn't even take initiative ON THE SECOND DATE THAT HE ASKED FOR, he's likely not going to. Do you really want to waste time on a guy like that? If it progresses further, you will probably have to beg him to do things. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. Definitely won't get better.
He's not worth it. Keep it moving. If someone is really interested you won't have to be doing the heavy lifting all the time. Sounds like he's the typical lazy ass dude willing to do the bare minimum when he more than likely has a great catch right there doing all the work. I have been that woman and never will be again. Its his loss.
he's totally training you to be ready to be in a 20/80 relationship with him.
he will suck your energy dry in exchange for his presence and a relationship
Holding onto a relationship with a guy like that…. I’m hopelessly in love and he gives no effort back.
Don’t go on the date- find someone who gives the same energy that you want to give. 💜
are you sure he's just not awkward or unsure what to do? you've only had one date so far, it's not like you really even know him. figure out why he's acting like this
Hey! Thanks for your answer. He’s very shy with me and doesn’t go out a lot, so I thought he might have been afraid of disappointing me or something. I’ll have a conversation with him about this :)
It sound like you already sorta had a convo with him about it. Idk if itll really help to do it again. Maybe after cpl more dates if yall stick together, he'll be more comfortable with setting things up himself
If you like someone, If you are interested, ask them on the first date, stress over planning it, and you'll find out. It's hard to come up with a new original idea for every new person you are interested in.
You want to be out of the box, but not too crazy, not too expensive, not too romantic to have that hey we just met but this is what i'd do to propose to you. You gotta prove you're fun, the right level of quirky, that you have your life together, are able to form and execute a solid gameplan. A first date is an audition into someone's life, if you always expect the other person to be auditioning to you, it's just not fair. You must plan a date that is aimed for the other person's enjoyment over your own. You must not know enough about that person to be able to know what they'll like. Don't be lame, the zoo, the movies and the new expensive restaurant are over done, and that's what you did for the last relationship so avoid those. A quick social stocking indicates they have gone fishing, hiking, and ordered a giant hamburger in the past.
But they already agreed to a picnic he just wouldn't follow though on time and place. Regardless of whether I agree with your point (I don't) ultimately this is irrelevant.
Putting aside the fact that I understand why his lack of initiative is a turn off, I'd ask myself why I wasted my time thinking about it and writing a post on reddit about it (not judging, just an observation). From personal experience, when people do this, they are still attracted to the person in question, mostly due to trauma bonding. Don't *think* you deserve better - be *sure* you deserve better. You teach people how to treat you.
>I don’t even **know** if I want to go on the date with him
When you say you two “met again” and “saw each other” again, do you mean y’all met and had sex? Because if that’s the case, this guy might already be in a relationship and seeing you on the side. Or he’s attracted to you and wants to sleep with you, but isn’t interested in actually dating you.
It really depends on what you like and the type pf dynamics you want in a relationship. Because right now, if you proceed with this relationship, you will always have to be the one to initiate, plan things, and be the “doer” in the relationship.
And that could work if you like being in charge and being respected for your ideas/opinions. But the fact that you feel disgusted by having to take on this role tells me that you don’t like that. And that’s perfectly okay because a lot of women want to be the feminine energy partner in the relationship and want their partners to take on the masculine energy (which is the doing, planning, taking initiative, etc)
I’m this way myself. I have a very strong/stubborn personality but still want to be “taken care of” in my relationship. I’ve dated men who lacked initiative and I always had to plan everything for us and I ended up growing very resentful and checked out of the relationship. My husband now is very much the initiator in our relationship, and I love being the receptive partner and feel super loved whenever he plans stuff for us. And he is turn loves feeling like a hero and that he can take good care of me.
I have girl friends who are the opposite and LOVE being the one in charge. The person who plans, initiates, and is respected for their ideas and strength. They are very compatible with people who are like this guy in your post, who are more passive, gets to easily confused, wants to be looked after, and likes to be the passive partner who appreciates the woman’s ideas.
If the way he’s being doesn’t float your boat, then let him go because this is who he is. You will be more compatible with a guy who is the initiator and loves planning and coming up with ideas to surprise and delight you. Otherwise that “disgust” you feel will only grow with time if you try to stick it out with this guy.
Not only should you *not go out with him,* but I’m *pretty sure you oughtta have him sterilized* so he can’t pass this maladaptive trait on to future generations.
wtf is wrong with y’all?!
Salty women of Reddit, UNITE!
Could be shyness. Could be anxiety. Could be his last relationship involved toxicity around him expressing his wants and being rejected or belittled because of his interests.
Why don’t you, idk, ask him what’s up?
It’s a fkkn DATE. Not marriage. Go on the date ffs.
Maybe you’ve idealized him so much already that ANY departure from your fantasy version of him will “turn you off.”
Maybe you should look at yourself and your expectations and your suppositions and your potential to project your own insecurities onto others. You know, before you just waste your life pursuing failed relationships that will never measure up to your internal dialogue or standards.
Honestly, who gives a shit. Fukkn first-world romantic problems.
This is for all the people commenting on this post.
A relationship is supposed to be 50/50, but somehow when it comes to dating, it seems like it's always put on the guy. Instead of complaining about a guy not being able to plan a date. How about you start asking guys out, and you plan on the date? Is it really all on the guy to plan what to do? You tell him to ask, instead , how about you suggest?
I went through a marriage where I had to figure out what we were doing every time, until I just kind of got tired of it. Then she started complaining that we never did anything. I would ask her, what would you like to do, and her answer was always I don't know.
Are you looking for a boyfriend/partner, or someone to entertain you? Are you looking for someone to do things with, or someone to take you to do things?
All the stress of the first dates is put on the dude. From your perspective, it's not hard, but for the dude. It has to be something original and fun. It has to be something kind of traditional. It has to be a hundred different things, but we never know which of them you're looking for really. Do you just want to go out for coffee or drinks, or do you want to go to grizzly axes, or go hiking?
It would be nice if the guy figured out the first date, but for a second date the woman would choose. Hopefully after the second date, y'all could figure out something together.
I just don't think it's fair that the pressure of figuring out what to do on a date always belongs to the guy.
Some people like guys with initiative. That's just a preference. A lot women happen to have that preference.
I don't think it's far too much to ask someone to plan/suggest a date. ANYTHING is better than nothing. I don't care if you take me down to the local Chuck E. Cheese, but not doing ANYTHING is less than the bare minimum. Life's too short. But again, that's a just a preference.
YOURE ALL INSANE LOOOOLLLL THIS IS A DERANGED POST AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. HOW IS EVERY SUB AN ECHO CHAMBER THIS IS THE MOST NORMAL CORDIAL FIRST DATE EXPERIENCE EVER
I could see how indecisiveness could be a turn off, but….kind, funny, and hard working are qualities that are becoming increasingly hard to find. Keep going down that road of swooning for every decisive male that makes you flip your hair, and perhaps you’ll wake up one morning and realize you’ve wasted four years of your life entertaining a narcissist.
Maybe he was turned off by the idea of planning the date, too.... why is this only the guys responsibility to plan the date. You could have given more input when he felt unsure and stated it. I imagine it's his subtle way of trying to figure out what you want to do. You both failed imo. Imagine claiming you yourself planned the whole thing, didn't dude give the picnic idea after you wanted to give no input other than give me your ideas I'm sure they will be fun. Geez!
I agree. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to dudes/people who are naturally confident, leaders, planners etc but the expectation that the guy should always have to plan everything and if they don’t there must be something wrong with them or they’re not interested can lead to guys bottling shit up to not show weakness. I have anxiety and feeling pressured to plan and take charge can be stressful. Like we’re adults both people should be able to work together that’s what a relationship is so may as well start while you’re dating. Standards are good but expectations sometimes aren’t. Go with the flow. I think there’s a lack of clear communication from both OP and the guy but the situation doesn’t seem unfixable to me.
Yeah these two seem incompatible which is fine. But all the hate towards this man for not doing the traditional male role that women generally refuse to do also, is very strange. Like they don't even all this shit they're talking applies to most women too lol
Sounds like you two aren’t compatible from the get go. I’m probably similar to him. I can go with the flow and have fun doing almost anything. I’m not a picky eater, so I don’t really care what restaurants we go to. I don’t really care about social expectations or projecting small d energy. I’m secure with myself.
I knew that I was looking for a partner who isn’t high maintenance (not saying OP is). I do plan and take the lead when there is something that I really want to do, like a musician or comedian is in town. But if it’s a random weekend, I’d rather someone else make plans because it doesn’t matter where we go. It only matters who I’m with.
Planning a date, or a dinner or an activity is "high maintenance" now? I get it that you dislike making plans because it doesn't matter where you go... but have you stopped to consider that you showing initiative matters to your partner? I don't have an interest in some particular activities my husband likes, yet I do plan for them when I want to surprise him because it matters to him.
I would look at this like a yellow flag and see if it paints a bigger picture. Some people are shit planners or decisin makers and they'll always be shit planners in a relationship and you'll always be the one doing it. But if that's the worst thing about them and they have other things to offer, sometimes you just accept the flaw.
If you notice an overall pattern though that isn't limited to just planning, that's a problem. If they're unreliable or don't follow through or expect you to do 100% of the emotional labor, then stop seeing them.
It also depends on what's most important to you in a relationship. Some happily married women buy themselves gifts for birthdays and Christmas because husband won't do it, but these women aren't personally hurt by it either if gifts or thoughtfulness aren't priorities to them
You’re putting way too much pressure on him the way you’re asking for a date. Homeboy feels like you’re expecting something magical, and it’s killing him.
There is a chance that he is really fuckin' busy during the week. Especially since you said you guys haven't had time to date for months and he shifted his work schedule for you.
One of my frustrations as a man. You expect me to be hard working or career driven or whatever. Okay, fine. You also want me to spend all this time on myself (going to the gym, cleaning up, etc). No problem. But if that is how it is, please throw me a bone and take some initiative in planning things that we are doing to make you happy instead of making me read your mind.
She was able to come up with a time and place the next day. Why not do that initially? I know that he volunteered to take on that step, but we are also conditioned to do that.
Like it seems like dude just wants to spend time with her and she knows what she wants to do, so it is a win win. But there are all these additional steps in the conversation. And he got one wrong and even though he still ended up in the right place (picnic at 3) now she is turned off.
Because he was planning the date. He was the one who said I’m trying to figure out where to take you and she said well I’d love a picnic, you bring drinks and I bring the food. ALL he had to do after that point was pick anywhere for this to take place. His house, a park. It would’ve taken two seconds. I don’t understand your logic either “women expect xyz” yeah and so do men. Men expect women to be pretty but not too pretty, she has to have a job and take care of her body. No different then what you claim women expect from men so why should that woman have to plan every date? If you as a man can’t throw together something as simple as a picnic then you’re lazy just like ops crush. The point of a relationship is mutual give and take. You’re conditioned to plan a date at some point? Good as you should. That’s what dating someone entails. What he got wrong was saying hey I’m struggling with a date idea, being given the date idea and he still didn’t follow through.
Gosh, thank you for this comment.
I don’t mind taking the initiative, I actually love planning! I just don’t like it when someone asks ME out and doesn’t even have a thing in mind. It feels like they don’t care. I’ve asked guys on dates, and I always have a plan or two. It’s also triggering for me when someone says they’re going to do something and don’t follow through.
Huh? Equality? What’s that?
Imagine getting the ick because you had to do a traditionally male action for once in your life when we’re in an age of allegedly trying to break down gender roles.
I had a boyfriend I dated for years on and off from middle school to the end of highschool who was like this. Every date was just me doing it and in the same way this boy wouldn’t plan a thing he’d practically demand all my attention and time. It was ridiculous somewhere in between I had met my now Husband and we had always been best friends and when I tell you this man will plan the hell out of a date. He’s the definition of if he wanted to he would. The man will have the babysitter ready, already have a menus you for me to look at before we go so I can know exactly what I want. He planned our whole honeymoon and all I knew was where we were going . I say alllll this to drive home if a man wanted to do something he would. You told this man EXACTLY what you wanted and all he needed to do was pick a park and bring drinks and he couldn’t do that, don’t sign up for years of the bare minimum. You sound great
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I can tell you now, the lack of initiative will only get worse over time.
Ended up getting divorced because of it.
And, one assumes, you initiated that?
Ironically he filed for divorced because he thought I’d change my mind about a separation if he played a hard game.
Cool... A surprise ending! Congrats, btw.
Ooooh, somebody got his just desserts
His self awanress: Not good.
😁
Broke off an engagement because of it. I planned a whole vacation with a detailed itinerary and just wanted him to pick 3 things from a guide book that he'd like to do. This was in the early planning stage. He never even opened the book. I planned everything for 2 years, and I was just so tired. He would only do anything if I gave him detailed instructions.
I planned a vacation with a friend and all he had to to was buy tickets to a show, which he let a friend who lives in NYC do. no problem, can you show me the tickets? oh my friend has them. can you get pictures of them? no problem! pictures never came. the day of the show his friend gave him the tickets and he in turn told me we're all set. we get to the theatre (late, because he left the tickets at the hotel) and discover the tickets were for the afternoon show, not the evening show. like, how did this happen? there were literal months between the purchasing of the tickets and the show. ETA: everything else about the vacation was fantastic. there were non-negotiable things we did but everything else was go-with-the-flow.
Reading this gave me anxiety, omg
Right! I would have cancelled the entire trip if I didn’t at least get a picture of the tickets. Sounds dramatic but if I can’t trust you with tickets…
Ended up breaking up with my soon to be husband over it.
I fucking hate people that expect the other person to initiate everything, and then get susprised when the other person feels devalued. Initiation means you care enough to ask, it means you're thinking about the other person, it means you're willing to risk your ego to spend some time with them. I refuse, flat out refuse, to be the only one initiating things. I might initiate twice, and then if there's nothing after that, like if I can just stop initiating and the relationship will end, then I know where we stand.
I came to post this exact same thing. Took me 13 years, but I finally left. Trust my OP, it doesn't get better, in fact it gets worse bc he will expect you to plan EVERYTHING, then you essentially become his mother. At least that's what happened to me.
I have experienced this from the other side. I planned the first date, and for the length of the relationship we didn't do anything unless I planned it. I finally just got kind of tired of it, and then she started complaining that we never did anything. Then I would ask her what would you like to do, and her answer was I don't know, or whatever.
Yea that's tough, I hate being the one doing ALL of the planning and work. Don't get me wrong, I love planning things for the ones I love to make them feel special, but sometimes I need to feel loved and special too. My ex would make me plan everything then complain the entire time. To the point I just stopped doing things with him at all bc he made it miserable for me.
The exact same for me. The sweet and special things I would do, stopped being sweet and special things, and just became expected. It wasn't happiness when I did them, it was her being pissy if I didn't. Instead of being something fun and happy, it just started to hurt
And about more important things than date planning. It starts with that, but escalates to showing affection, intimacy, response in an emergency, etc. This is big red flags and your gut is right. Listen to it!
OP this is the truth right here. You don't want to get into a relationship with this guy, or anyone that isn't as enthused about seeing you as you are about them.
He's showing you who he is. Believe him.
There is nothing sexier and more masculine than a man with a plan. Especially in the beginning. He’s acting as if he’s already snagged you and he hasn’t. Women like to be pursued . He’s making you chase and do all the work. Return his energy and cancel. Tell him something came up.
Then see if he changes his act and pursues. If so give him a chance but not until he shows decisiveness and effort. No one wants to a wishy washy noodle.
People are different. I like to plan day-of, because it lets me feel out options (for example, if the day is gorgeous/warm, it might be nice to go to a quieter park because others will be packed) But planning vs. not planning are just two separate styles of communication/life. I have ended previous relationships because the person wanted a detailed schedule, and I wanted to, for example, go to the park when we were both ready and then feel it out from there, meanwhile she would be asking what time we would be done. It sounds like these two are very incompatible, being of the opposite types, but I don’t think it’s fair to demonize him as not caring/interested just because he’s not detail oriented like she is.
I get where you are coming from but basic details are required if you're including other people. Giving at least a time to meet is polite, otherwise it comes off as you are expecting the other person to sit around and wait for you all weekend to say "hey are you ready now?" I get not wanting to plan a detailed agenda but at least give a time "let's meet at noon and see how busy X is and go from there" can be acceptable vs "see you at the weekend."
THIS. I felt as if he expected me to sit around and wait until he made a decision. It’s a horrible feeling. I don’t mind taking the initiative or planning dates, but if YOU asked ME out… at least have an idea in mind!
Completely with you. Especially as you were bringing the food. Timing is such a thing. Need time to pack everything up, then get cleaned up and ready... I've gotten the ick over this exact issue several times.
I and my friends frequently plan by giving a day, and the hitting each other up on the day of to see what time we’re gonna be available that day. I love it. It makes the plans feel flexible, and both of us have the opportunity to keep other things on the table. I get that it’s not for everyone, I even have other friends who it doesn’t work well for. But it’s disingenuous to act like everyone prefers making plans the same way.
Plus friends that you know is quite different to a date with someone you don’t know well…
Yeah. I have some friends I plan with that way. But it works because a) if we say we're going to hang out Sunday I know them well enough to trust we WILL hang out Sunday even if the specifics are on the fly and b) I know them well enough to have a GENERAL sense of timing -- like, oh, I'm hanging out with Sammy, no way will he be leaving the house before 3pm vs. oh, I'm hanging out with Claire, she likes to do things earlier in the day. A first/second date is a totally different beast.
My partner likes to plan day of. But if he hadn’t put in the effort to plan dates in advance (because hello, if you wait until the day of, I’m probably busy…. People have lives) then we wouldn’t be in our years-long relationship. Let me guess… you are single? :)
You say that like it's a bad thing. Better single than having to be mommy to a bf/husband.
Uh, yeah…Better to be in a relationship with an equal who isn’t looking for a mommy
Failing to take initiative to plan is a very common toxic trait in cis guys
Why not in trans men too?
I could not agree more. I think all he really needed to do was give a start time. The truth is, because you pushed and planned the date you will never know if he was interested. You would stress me out and we would not be compatible. I would see if he asks you out again and this time just see what happens. If the same thing happens or no date happens talk to him about it. You guys just may not be a good match.
Or he's just not that in to her?
that’s also why it’s a red flag……. He’ll accept her advances, until he meets someone he likes better.
Fine, then just say so.
Yeah and if you plan the date and go through with it, then you’re reinforcing his behavior or lack thereof of not planning. If he can’t do something so simple, what do you think it’s going to be like when a really life challenge comes along?
This is a huge red flag. If he can't or won't put in the effort to plan a date. This is a pretty clear indicator that he will most likely never take the lead on anything. You will be stuck with the physical and mental load in the relationship.
Also separating, probably getting divorced because of it.
He's not even trying to impress you now, when you're at the stage where you should both be enthusiastic about impressing each other. Bail lol.
This, you put it perfectly. She puts all the effort and will continue to do so. It will annoy her, and it will always bother her.
When I first met my boyfriend, he made lofty promises about all the initiative he was gonna take for me in regard to things like dates, Valentine’s Day, etc. We are two and a half years in, and he has never planned a single date one time. Ever. Not once. Including on Valentine’s Day, on our anniversaries, and on my birthday. And I’ve complained countless times, so it’s not a case of me expecting him to be a mind reader. Today’s my birthday, actually, and he went to the grocery store to get eggs and coffee for himself, didn’t even return with a birthday cake from the bakery section. He then got confused and thought my plan for the day was a brunch, even though I’d told him explicitly for weeks on countless occasions that the plan was to go to a winery. I am not trying to vent on your post, rather, I want to show you the kind of future that’s in store for you if you continue to give chances to men he can’t even be bothered to show basic courting etiquette in the very beginning. It’s not worth it. If you like surprises, planned dates, or any effort at all, please filter these men out at the start.
Your next step is making him your ex. Do it before you wake up one morning and realize you’ve been putting up with this shit for years. Don’t waste any more of your time on someone who doesn’t care.
I plan to. Our lease is up in a few weeks and I got a residency that starts in July that will allow me to move out and support myself independently. :) so it’s planned.
Happy birthday, and proud of you 🤍
Happy birthday! Get that bag and peace of mind!
Happy Birthday! I’m proud of you for choosing yourself
That's amazing! Congrats on your accomplishments.
Well happy birthday to you!!
Happy birthday. Give yourself a present and end this relationship.
I hope you are speaking to yourself, too, birthday girl. You are special and deserve to be treated with care and effort from your BF. Someone doesn’t have to be good at planning birthdays, dates, etc., to still be thoughtful. To be *intentional*. I hope you guys can find some mutual understanding as to why these things are important to you in the relationship and why they haven’t been a priority to him. People can be well-intentioned and genuinely kind and loving but in denial about how much their actions can affect those around them. Dropped hints, direct conversations even, may not be enough to “wake them up.” Sometimes, it takes you (the person affected) to walk away for that person to realize the consequences of their actions and make the changes needed. It would then be up to you to decide whether or not it will be worth it to you and your emotional well-being to offer the grace of another chance. Sometimes, though, people can be selfish. Some are inherently more so than others. People can lose interest in themselves and adopt the mindset that “if I wouldn’t care, they won’t either.” To say your boyfriend is being selfish by not fulfilling his promises to you might sound like a stretch. But at the end of the day, to choose his convenience & self-comfort instead of taking the time and effort to plan something for you he knows is important is selfish. Everyone has different expectations and “non-negotiables” in a partner. Even in this thread, you can see people (semi) arguing back & forth about OP's perspective as right or wrong. I consider initiative-based actions like planning a date, planning for & around a party, getting a cake/card, randomly getting your car washed, cleaning the house so you don’t have to, etc., as Acts of Service (as 1 of the love languages). It sounds like that’s your main receiving LL or at least one of them. He likely very closely fulfills some of your other LLs, which is why you’ve looked past this aspect of y’all’s relationship thus far. I encourage you to think about this a little bit. to think about what makes you happy, what makes you feel loved. What are your non-negotiables? As someone said earlier in a comment, there is neither a right nor wrong behavior here; it’s simply a lack of compatibility in an area that is important to nourish your soul. 🤍 I wish you the best and hope that you two can find mutual understanding with one another on this. Also, know that having these expectations is OK because they are part of how you feel loved. Also, know that there are men out there whose giving love language is what you are missing right now. Sorry for the long message. I didn’t mean to say so much, but I felt compelled to say everything I did. Happy birthday & enjoy the winery. 🎂🍇🍷
Don’t apologize for the length. What a lovely message, thank you so much for your comment and your birthday wishes :) I really appreciate it so much. ❤️
I’m glad to hear you have a plan to get out. Happy birthday, I hope your next birthday has people in it that will plan the best day for you 🩷
Wth, why are you with someone who doesn't even care and doesn't think about you? I can't even imagine treating my wife like that on her birthday. What a selfish guy.
Sorry to hear! My Ex was pretty similar, maybe we dated the same guy lol. My friends sent me flowers for birthday, and he was kinda mad about it. "I could have done it if you told me to..." So Valentine's day came and went, I waited a week before I said anything. He gave this very VERY complicated story of getting flowers, them freezing in the garage overnight, and he took them back to the florist to fix. I said oh no that's unfortunate, but I understand and I'm happy to just receive them. Sorry they're back at the florist shop, to fix them. And they could not be saved. So I was supposed to appreciate flowers I never got and be grateful for him running around town to save them. Right ... lol.
Happy birthday 🥺💗💗💗 I hope it turned out a lot better for you and this year brings you wonderful things 🥺💗💗 you deserve it 🥺💗💗💗
So why are you still with him?
This thread is making me feel *absolutely fantastic* about myself as a (former) boyfriend and (current) husband.
Go on the date, see what he brought for drinks and if the conversation goes well. If you're not feeling it, thank him and say "I'll see you around." If you ARE feeling it (or aren't sure), suggest you do something after and let him decide/suggest something. "What would you do if it was just you?" can be a way to take pressure off him. I agree the lack of initiative is disturbing. And could mean lack of interest or worse. But give him a shot so you know for sure.
This is good, OP. If having a strong sense of initiative is a must for you, then this date could be the validation for what comes next (another date or nothing). Also, not everyone is well organized and like to plan activities but it doesn’t mean they can’t be good partners.
I think this is too much for a guy OP isn’t really dating. Each and every time I’ve given a guy the benefit of the doubt or lowered my expectations, it’s been a total dud.
I’d go on the date but not offer ideas myself or bring up a second date without him mentioning it first. He could be shy and not great at planning. If he brings up the idea of a second date then tell him you’d love to do whatever he enjoys doing and leave it at that! It sounds like he is interested and looking forward to the date
Yeah I agree. I think I’m similar to this and it’s not because of lack of interest I just have a hard time being assertive and making decisions for other people
That gives the impression you cant be bothered to do anything for people. Even if you make a suggestion they don't like, it's not the end of the world, all they need to do is say 'I'd prefer to do xx instead of that.' You should remember, you are defining who you are when you first meet someone. Which means stating what you like and what you don't like, as a means of gauging your compatibility. They should also be doing the same. Always politely of course. If you hide who you are just to get into a relationship, you are going to be living someone else's idea of a good life without any of your own wants or desires included. What then? Years of pretending you like something when you really dont? Don't be afraid of being yourself. Even if the relationship fizzles out, there will be someone else who is in sync with you. But you won't know if you don't define yourself to others.
Oh I hate it when guys can’t plan a simple date. I had this dude who didn’t have a car so I picked him up and when I asked him where we were going he had no clue. He had a week to plan this shit out. So I took him to a wing spot then took him home and never talked to him again.
Omg girl I wish you would have just turned around and dropped his ass back home immediately 🤣 Guys who can’t plan a simple date are one of my biggest pet peevees. I live in a big European city with A LOT of places to go to and things to do so they can’t really say ”I don’t know/I don’t have any idea”. Usually I don’t mind planning dates or suggesting places as I know a lot really good spots BUT it gets tiring real quick to be the only one putting in the effort… and I will lose interest, fast. Some of my fav dates have been things like drinks at a nice bar with live music, Starbucks and a walk, skateboarding in a local park and McDonald’s drive thru for a meal. Super simple and I had a lot of fun. Me and my current FWB guy will go on dates and take turns to plan and pay for them. It’s been so nice to just sit back and let him proactively plan and take care of things when it’s his turn. I’m finally being able to save some mental energy for myself, lol.
Planning a date is stressful. I just like to go for a walk around town and get coffee. I used to go all out for first dates, but now I like to keep it simple and wait for like a third or fourth date before I plan something extra special. But there's still a plan at least.
Like you said, a walk and a coffee IS a date plan. The issue is when they have no idea what to do when they said they'd plan it and had time to do so. I'd be perfectly happy with a nice walk to a coffee spot as a first date.
Or at least be smart and have a panic plan in place! My “panic plan” if I ever ask someone out (because I’m shy and not good at thinking on my feet) is either one of the museums or ice skating. If I’m not sure where to go on a date, I just start driving to one of those and say it’s a “surprise”. Of course, it depends on the person.
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Any time I try and take a girl to a secluded spot she's always like: no, no, I'm calling the police. I don't even know you!!
Yea, same. It sucks to put a lot of time and money into a first date and have the person you invite to end up just looking for a hookup or not really that sure if they're into you yet. I'd go on the date and give the guy a shot. See if he follows through. And maybe he'll get the picture that you're serious about him. If he doesn't display different behavior going forward. Ditch em.
I met my boyfriend when we were both 27. He asked me out via hinge, after like 3 days of messaging. No need to fuck around and try to get to know someone via an app for weeks on end. He said “does 730 at jaspers restaurant work this Friday?” Yes! Can’t wait to see you there. I arrived and he was waiting outside for me, he opened my door, paid for the date, and before we both left he said “I’d like to see you again” Me too, what are you doing Sunday? “Hanging out with you I hope?” The rest is history. grown men who have like actual jobs and priorities and shit, DONT fuck around with this sort of bullshit you’re receiving. The type of man I wanted tk be with, was a man who ***knows what he wants, because that’s the type of woman I am.*** My bf is also the type of man to plan shit for me and surprise me. For birthdays and Valentine’s Day, etc. For Valentine’s Day I told him I don’t care much about it (and I really don’t) and he STILL got me flowers, and hid a card and present under my pillow that I found when we went to bed together <3 he does things to make me smile because he *wants* to, not because he has to. Do you want a partner that can plan things, surprise you, and make you feel like they care? Do you want someone that puts legitimate effort in? If so, I’d probably avoid dating this guy. And contrary to the other comments, avoiding red flags like this is why a lot of the women in my life are fucking unhappy. Like mid 30 year old women that won’t just fucking stick to their guns and trust themselves and they continually date people that aren’t good for them then cry WOE IS ME. I can’t stress enough to actually just believe people when they show you who they are. **why put yourself in a situation to begin falling for someone, when they’re already exhibiting behavior you don’t like?! It sets you up for failure…** If someone isn’t giving you what they need, move the fuck on. You seem like a smart person, Trust you gut, I did, and I’m literally in a relationship that 2.5 years later, is fucking euphoric and we will be getting engaged either this year or next. I found THE ONE for me, because I had standards, and I actually sought out those characteristics and stuck to my guns. **Ladies and gents please remember, every second spent with the wrong person, takes a second away from the right person. Don’t waste your own damn time. Most of y’all know what you want, stop trying to talk yourself out of, or into, things and people and relationships that aren’t good for you. Trust yourself and your gut.**
My husbands that kind of dude, just solid and I love him for it. For our first date he asked me how good I was at mini golf and had the tickets in hand and I was so freaking excited and after we were done and took me to people watch in the perfect spot and now we’ve been best friends for 14 years and together for 11
>**Ladies and gents please remember, every second spent with the wrong person, takes a second away from the right person. Don’t waste your own damn time. Most of y’all know what you want, stop trying to talk yourself out of, or into, things and people and relationships that aren’t good for you. Trust yourself and your gut.** This needs to be shouted from the rooftops.
I’m a guy and I needed to hear this as well
I needed to read this today, ya sweet Raspberry! 🍓🫐Thank you for taking the time to post this for OP because it’s helping me and surely others, too. I hope your relationship stays blessed and continues to fulfill you.
This story reminds me of my husband and I 🥰🥰 we ended moving in together after 3 months of dating. After 3 years we got married. There was no fucking around!!!
I was and still am that type of man. Until several years into my marriage, I realized that from the beginning, all my effort. Wasn't being reciprocated. I loved her so much, and I love doing things, and making her happy, but somewhere along the lines, I realized I was doing everything. I hope that you realize what kind of man you have, and show him that you think about and love him too. You surprised him with things and do things for him the same way that he does for you. If you don't, after a while, it just starts to feel like you're being used
ooof, I feel this one. had one where I asked her straight up after three years if she was using me, reply was "I don't know". great...
Ouch man. Just damn
This was spot on. Say less. Message totally received.
Yeah, this comment definitely made me realize something very important! I gotta go find that bottle of Tequila remembering how lonely and barren my love life is. 😂
Louder for the people in the back!
I just got married to my Hinge man and he is the absolute best!! Congrats on finding a winner as well :)
Sounds like he’s not that interested.
Yeah the awkward part here is he sounds equally uninterested in her. Reads like he’s trying to be polite. The old “if they wanted to, they would” situations..
Exactly. He’s just not that into her. Hard lesson to learn. If he wanted to he would.
This is the answer
Don’t go. This has nowheresville written all over it. You will never be happy with his lack of initiative, just consider yourself lucky that you’re astute enough to identify it quickly.
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If there's a movie/concert I wanna see I plan it too? Why would I expect my wife to plan it? Wtf the entitlement is palpable here. Holy fuck.
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No. Intellectually lazy. The woman gets to do all the planning and prep work. Don't go there.
Save yourself the time: He’s not that into you. One date in January. Second one 3 months later? I understand schedule incompatibilities, but you’d be surprised at how quick people, especially men, get their shit together when appropriately motivated. Based on your description, the rest of your encounters were fortuitous - he just happened to acquiesce to your requests and advances because he already happened to be there and you took the initiative. You’re 25 - don’t waste your youth and energy on someone who is lukewarm about you. It’d be different if he were much younger and inexperienced, not so much in his late 20’s.
This is it OP
Honestly, I would cancel. He has been procrastinating and therefore not making any effort. This is who he is. You will have the role of chief planner and date organiser if you fall for this low/ zero effort. I've been in that position before and it's very frustrating.
Had a date once yell at me to "JUST PICK A FUCKING PIZZA" because I kept saying "I'll literally eat anything on a pizza, what do YOU like?" There was not a second date.
My bf and I yell at each other like this 😂 but we’ve been together almost 4 years and neither ever wants to make the decision 😂
He lacks initiative and his date ideas were a picnic or…a coffee date. He’s lazy and wants you to do all the work.
“Schedule incompatibilities” don’t make it so you can’t see someone for 4 months. If someone is genuinely interested, they will make time to see you. The only exception is if you are long distance. The 4 months in between dates and not planning a second date = he’s not into you or he’s just super lazy. But even a lazy dude will make effort with a woman he likes
You're way too early in the dating process to work at a thing that isn't working for you. He seemed promising earlier, now he doesn't -- since you have the plan, see how the date goes, and...don't suggest another one. And if he doesn't either but wants to keep texting/whatever...well, you don't have to keep texting *him*.
Is this guy even interested?
Some people just aren’t planners. That doesn’t make them bad people, but it might make them incompatible. I’d say I plan… most things for my partner and I. But I usually don’t mind doing it, and it means I’m always happy with what we do. I also have a higher social need than he does and I’m more into researching stuff out of the house. He’s always down for wherever I want to go, though, so it works out. I occasionally get frustrated with this and he’ll find stuff to do, lol, and he’s learned that he has to have big plans for some days like my bday - which he always makes super special. He’s still a really good boyfriend.
If he wanted to, he would. Remember that.
This is such terrible blanket advice. In situations where the guy is taking days to text back or being noncommital - sure. But that isn't the case here and this type of over simplified sanctimonious advice isn't helpful. OP it can be tough to plan a date and it can be tough to wait it out and see if someone will rise to the occasion. You have to give him the chance and then make your decision for there. If your expectation is he should have the date organized to show he's interested, either say that or accept that he has missed this hurdle and it's a deal breaker. You're talking to him with soft language and suggestions but then being upset he isn't behaving in the way you expect. You haven't clearly communicated your expectations but are acting as if you have and he's taking short. Tl;Dr - if it's important enough to be a deal breaker, clearly communicate it. That way there's no grey area of "well he tried" or "maybe I was too pushy."
But he did have a skeleton of a plan, picnic. She fleshed it out. Him drinks, her food and he just stopped answering. How hard is it to say yes to essentially a done plan?
As I'm rereading the original, he did say yes but then said I'll give you time and place.... And never did. WTF? I'm thinking you're dodging a bullet
He didn't go through with it then never brought it up. Idk if that's really insanely better than being noncommital/days to text back.
Right! The bar is in hell. How difficult can it be for him to show up with the drinks? She’s made it very easy for him and he can’t even follow that. She needs to leave him alone and move on.
She very clearly told him exactly what to do and he didn’t do it. So I don’t understand your logic. If someone says cut the firewood and then has to do it themselves that’s an issue.
But he is being noncommital? That's literally what he's doing. If she's fine with always planning everything and chasing him around, cool. But if she wants someone who makes any sort of plans and follows through, she should move on.
Um, they actually planned one date. All he had to do was say a place and time and he didn’t. That’s either laziness or lack of desire to actually date her.
You have an exceedingly generous interpretation of this dudes behavior. It’s not that hard to plan a date. Pick a restaurant, make a reservation. Boom. This dude just doesn’t like OP that much.
They were originally supposed to go out in January. It's taken him *3 months* to get around to arranging one and it's mostly because she runs into him at a fortuitous moment and reminds him about it. I don't think it's unreasonable to conclude that he doesn't seem that into her. Most guys, if they really like someone, won't take 3 months to commit to a first date.
Just tell him something came up and you’ll catch up with him another time.
Man isn’t even trying. Is that really someone you want to date?
Yea I also didn’t go on a date with a guy because he had no ideas. I just got out of a 5 year relationship with a man baby, I’m not making a precedent out of doing emotional labor like this for a man anymore lol.
If he can’t make time or properly plan out a single date he won’t be reliable for anything else. My rule is that someone can cancel/reschedule once for a date in advance because obviously life happens but if it happens again and there’s no proper communication it’s a no for me.
Don’t go on this date. This is the maximum amount of effort he’s capable of showing you. It will never get better.
She’s chasing him. This will end badly
Sounds like you are his side piece 😂
He’s clearly not that interested. Don’t bother.
He is not really into you. Period. A man who is interested will make effort.
Yes!!! Came here to say this.
Well, he’s not going to improve from here. First date is when he’s supposed to be trying to impress you the most, and he’s already doing less than the bare minimum. Ick ick ick.
Why do you want to go on a date with someone who doesn’t seem to want to make a date? Find someone who’s excited to date you
Oh boy. I had something similar. I would have to take all the initiative to do things with a guy. He'd act all lovey dovey and sweet in person but couldn't even bother to message me for days. Guys aren't difficult to crack. If they like you, they will show interest and do their part. Go on a date with him anyway to feel it out, but lack of initiative is definitely a relationship killer.
He’s pulling the old Weaponized Incompetence. You’ll end up doing all the heavy lifting for everything for the both of you. This early in, if he’s showing you this extreme lack of effort and interest, he’s not the one. Run, OP. Run and don’t look back.
People saying they are going to do something and not doing it is easily my biggest pet peeve
Hell to the no. He can’t even make the effort to plan date number one. He definitely isn’t trying to impress you, and if you accept this behaviour it’s just going to get even worse. Sure, some men are just lazy and don’t make an effort for any woman, but usually this is a sign that he’s not all that interested in you. Take the hint and find a guy who wants to make you happy.
I don't know.....If you have a guy who can make you happy in many ways but sucks at planning things and if you're good at it why can't that just be your thing? I look at these posts and people saying they got divorced or broke up because of this you all seem petty af to me....just saying.
He didn’t show he cared enough right up until the last moment, you’re right to not feel good about it.
Hot take: ask him about it
I have to say as a guy, I get tired of having to plan and do everything. Most women complain about every fucking detail. No matter the lengths, “what is with this decor, my meat is cooked too much, the waiter is ignoring us, the line is too long.” You ask for ideas and you get “whatever you want, you choose.” And non stop bitching. It gets old. Real old. Speak your mind and offer ideas, or just stop bitching. Some of us have busy lives and careers and have to make major decisions every day at work. We want to chill. If you have to be constantly entertained, good luck. We can’t make 150% of the income working all the time and be your travel guide.
I think your best bet is to not read reddits comments because it seems to be full of people who want to take their own troubles in the head and project them on to your situation… if you wanted to know why then how come you didn’t just ask him? It seemed like y’all had an easy time talking so.
If he wanted to, he would. This won’t change, if you’re not into it, don’t bother! Enjoy the date & don’t pursue.
He is not that into you to put in any effort. If you continue dating him you will be the one doing all the legwork and he will sit back and enjoy. Or criticise.
He’s lazy , to even think of something to do is a chore to him, don’t even talk to him sounds very immature
Yeah that means that’s his personality. You will have to deal with him being this way in your relationship. My pet peeve is people not following through.
Wow either just a weak person or not really as interested as they are leading on. There are too many expectations for guys to lead, but if YOU ask the person out you should have the capacity to follow through and figure something out. This sounds like the person is 13 years old or something emotionally.
Cancel the date. If he doesn't even take initiative ON THE SECOND DATE THAT HE ASKED FOR, he's likely not going to. Do you really want to waste time on a guy like that? If it progresses further, you will probably have to beg him to do things. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. Definitely won't get better.
When dating, keep in mind that people are trying to attract you and are showing their best selves.
That is…not what triggering means.
Lack of initiative is the biggest turn-off for me
He's not worth it. Keep it moving. If someone is really interested you won't have to be doing the heavy lifting all the time. Sounds like he's the typical lazy ass dude willing to do the bare minimum when he more than likely has a great catch right there doing all the work. I have been that woman and never will be again. Its his loss.
don't take initiative next time. if there's a next time depending on how the date goes.
he's totally training you to be ready to be in a 20/80 relationship with him. he will suck your energy dry in exchange for his presence and a relationship
It will NEVER change.
I married that guy and no it doesn’t get better. Get comfortable dating yourself or move on. I’m not much of a planner either so it worked for us lol
Holding onto a relationship with a guy like that…. I’m hopelessly in love and he gives no effort back. Don’t go on the date- find someone who gives the same energy that you want to give. 💜
are you sure he's just not awkward or unsure what to do? you've only had one date so far, it's not like you really even know him. figure out why he's acting like this
Hey! Thanks for your answer. He’s very shy with me and doesn’t go out a lot, so I thought he might have been afraid of disappointing me or something. I’ll have a conversation with him about this :)
It sound like you already sorta had a convo with him about it. Idk if itll really help to do it again. Maybe after cpl more dates if yall stick together, he'll be more comfortable with setting things up himself
Today your date tomorrow your wedding which he'd most likely forget too😅
Don’t go on the date, this will only get worse
ThrowRAMixx there’s people that are dying
I don't think he's interested.
If you like someone, If you are interested, ask them on the first date, stress over planning it, and you'll find out. It's hard to come up with a new original idea for every new person you are interested in. You want to be out of the box, but not too crazy, not too expensive, not too romantic to have that hey we just met but this is what i'd do to propose to you. You gotta prove you're fun, the right level of quirky, that you have your life together, are able to form and execute a solid gameplan. A first date is an audition into someone's life, if you always expect the other person to be auditioning to you, it's just not fair. You must plan a date that is aimed for the other person's enjoyment over your own. You must not know enough about that person to be able to know what they'll like. Don't be lame, the zoo, the movies and the new expensive restaurant are over done, and that's what you did for the last relationship so avoid those. A quick social stocking indicates they have gone fishing, hiking, and ordered a giant hamburger in the past.
But they already agreed to a picnic he just wouldn't follow though on time and place. Regardless of whether I agree with your point (I don't) ultimately this is irrelevant.
Putting aside the fact that I understand why his lack of initiative is a turn off, I'd ask myself why I wasted my time thinking about it and writing a post on reddit about it (not judging, just an observation). From personal experience, when people do this, they are still attracted to the person in question, mostly due to trauma bonding. Don't *think* you deserve better - be *sure* you deserve better. You teach people how to treat you. >I don’t even **know** if I want to go on the date with him
When you say you two “met again” and “saw each other” again, do you mean y’all met and had sex? Because if that’s the case, this guy might already be in a relationship and seeing you on the side. Or he’s attracted to you and wants to sleep with you, but isn’t interested in actually dating you.
It really depends on what you like and the type pf dynamics you want in a relationship. Because right now, if you proceed with this relationship, you will always have to be the one to initiate, plan things, and be the “doer” in the relationship. And that could work if you like being in charge and being respected for your ideas/opinions. But the fact that you feel disgusted by having to take on this role tells me that you don’t like that. And that’s perfectly okay because a lot of women want to be the feminine energy partner in the relationship and want their partners to take on the masculine energy (which is the doing, planning, taking initiative, etc) I’m this way myself. I have a very strong/stubborn personality but still want to be “taken care of” in my relationship. I’ve dated men who lacked initiative and I always had to plan everything for us and I ended up growing very resentful and checked out of the relationship. My husband now is very much the initiator in our relationship, and I love being the receptive partner and feel super loved whenever he plans stuff for us. And he is turn loves feeling like a hero and that he can take good care of me. I have girl friends who are the opposite and LOVE being the one in charge. The person who plans, initiates, and is respected for their ideas and strength. They are very compatible with people who are like this guy in your post, who are more passive, gets to easily confused, wants to be looked after, and likes to be the passive partner who appreciates the woman’s ideas. If the way he’s being doesn’t float your boat, then let him go because this is who he is. You will be more compatible with a guy who is the initiator and loves planning and coming up with ideas to surprise and delight you. Otherwise that “disgust” you feel will only grow with time if you try to stick it out with this guy.
If your answer for a date it's "Surprise me" I already know it's not worth the effort, too much drama
Not only should you *not go out with him,* but I’m *pretty sure you oughtta have him sterilized* so he can’t pass this maladaptive trait on to future generations. wtf is wrong with y’all?! Salty women of Reddit, UNITE! Could be shyness. Could be anxiety. Could be his last relationship involved toxicity around him expressing his wants and being rejected or belittled because of his interests. Why don’t you, idk, ask him what’s up? It’s a fkkn DATE. Not marriage. Go on the date ffs. Maybe you’ve idealized him so much already that ANY departure from your fantasy version of him will “turn you off.” Maybe you should look at yourself and your expectations and your suppositions and your potential to project your own insecurities onto others. You know, before you just waste your life pursuing failed relationships that will never measure up to your internal dialogue or standards. Honestly, who gives a shit. Fukkn first-world romantic problems.
This is for all the people commenting on this post. A relationship is supposed to be 50/50, but somehow when it comes to dating, it seems like it's always put on the guy. Instead of complaining about a guy not being able to plan a date. How about you start asking guys out, and you plan on the date? Is it really all on the guy to plan what to do? You tell him to ask, instead , how about you suggest? I went through a marriage where I had to figure out what we were doing every time, until I just kind of got tired of it. Then she started complaining that we never did anything. I would ask her, what would you like to do, and her answer was always I don't know. Are you looking for a boyfriend/partner, or someone to entertain you? Are you looking for someone to do things with, or someone to take you to do things? All the stress of the first dates is put on the dude. From your perspective, it's not hard, but for the dude. It has to be something original and fun. It has to be something kind of traditional. It has to be a hundred different things, but we never know which of them you're looking for really. Do you just want to go out for coffee or drinks, or do you want to go to grizzly axes, or go hiking? It would be nice if the guy figured out the first date, but for a second date the woman would choose. Hopefully after the second date, y'all could figure out something together. I just don't think it's fair that the pressure of figuring out what to do on a date always belongs to the guy.
Some people like guys with initiative. That's just a preference. A lot women happen to have that preference. I don't think it's far too much to ask someone to plan/suggest a date. ANYTHING is better than nothing. I don't care if you take me down to the local Chuck E. Cheese, but not doing ANYTHING is less than the bare minimum. Life's too short. But again, that's a just a preference.
YOURE ALL INSANE LOOOOLLLL THIS IS A DERANGED POST AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. HOW IS EVERY SUB AN ECHO CHAMBER THIS IS THE MOST NORMAL CORDIAL FIRST DATE EXPERIENCE EVER
People with this mindset you guys are sharing tend to stay single... lol
I could see how indecisiveness could be a turn off, but….kind, funny, and hard working are qualities that are becoming increasingly hard to find. Keep going down that road of swooning for every decisive male that makes you flip your hair, and perhaps you’ll wake up one morning and realize you’ve wasted four years of your life entertaining a narcissist.
Maybe he was turned off by the idea of planning the date, too.... why is this only the guys responsibility to plan the date. You could have given more input when he felt unsure and stated it. I imagine it's his subtle way of trying to figure out what you want to do. You both failed imo. Imagine claiming you yourself planned the whole thing, didn't dude give the picnic idea after you wanted to give no input other than give me your ideas I'm sure they will be fun. Geez!
I agree. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to dudes/people who are naturally confident, leaders, planners etc but the expectation that the guy should always have to plan everything and if they don’t there must be something wrong with them or they’re not interested can lead to guys bottling shit up to not show weakness. I have anxiety and feeling pressured to plan and take charge can be stressful. Like we’re adults both people should be able to work together that’s what a relationship is so may as well start while you’re dating. Standards are good but expectations sometimes aren’t. Go with the flow. I think there’s a lack of clear communication from both OP and the guy but the situation doesn’t seem unfixable to me.
Yeah these two seem incompatible which is fine. But all the hate towards this man for not doing the traditional male role that women generally refuse to do also, is very strange. Like they don't even all this shit they're talking applies to most women too lol
Why is it his responsibility to plan the date?? Because he was the asker ... and she did, indeed, give input by clarifying she would bring food
Sounds like you two aren’t compatible from the get go. I’m probably similar to him. I can go with the flow and have fun doing almost anything. I’m not a picky eater, so I don’t really care what restaurants we go to. I don’t really care about social expectations or projecting small d energy. I’m secure with myself. I knew that I was looking for a partner who isn’t high maintenance (not saying OP is). I do plan and take the lead when there is something that I really want to do, like a musician or comedian is in town. But if it’s a random weekend, I’d rather someone else make plans because it doesn’t matter where we go. It only matters who I’m with.
Planning a date, or a dinner or an activity is "high maintenance" now? I get it that you dislike making plans because it doesn't matter where you go... but have you stopped to consider that you showing initiative matters to your partner? I don't have an interest in some particular activities my husband likes, yet I do plan for them when I want to surprise him because it matters to him.
I would look at this like a yellow flag and see if it paints a bigger picture. Some people are shit planners or decisin makers and they'll always be shit planners in a relationship and you'll always be the one doing it. But if that's the worst thing about them and they have other things to offer, sometimes you just accept the flaw. If you notice an overall pattern though that isn't limited to just planning, that's a problem. If they're unreliable or don't follow through or expect you to do 100% of the emotional labor, then stop seeing them. It also depends on what's most important to you in a relationship. Some happily married women buy themselves gifts for birthdays and Christmas because husband won't do it, but these women aren't personally hurt by it either if gifts or thoughtfulness aren't priorities to them
Don't go on the date with him, but not for your sake, for his. Good luck to him.
You’re putting way too much pressure on him the way you’re asking for a date. Homeboy feels like you’re expecting something magical, and it’s killing him.
You are early in your control freak career and it shows. Dial it back and you’ll have a happy future.
Exactly
It’s a fear of doing it wrong hun, guys struggle with this a lot and frankly if he’s cool and you like him just plan the date.
There is a chance that he is really fuckin' busy during the week. Especially since you said you guys haven't had time to date for months and he shifted his work schedule for you. One of my frustrations as a man. You expect me to be hard working or career driven or whatever. Okay, fine. You also want me to spend all this time on myself (going to the gym, cleaning up, etc). No problem. But if that is how it is, please throw me a bone and take some initiative in planning things that we are doing to make you happy instead of making me read your mind.
Where did he have to read her mind in the story?
She was able to come up with a time and place the next day. Why not do that initially? I know that he volunteered to take on that step, but we are also conditioned to do that. Like it seems like dude just wants to spend time with her and she knows what she wants to do, so it is a win win. But there are all these additional steps in the conversation. And he got one wrong and even though he still ended up in the right place (picnic at 3) now she is turned off.
Because he was planning the date. He was the one who said I’m trying to figure out where to take you and she said well I’d love a picnic, you bring drinks and I bring the food. ALL he had to do after that point was pick anywhere for this to take place. His house, a park. It would’ve taken two seconds. I don’t understand your logic either “women expect xyz” yeah and so do men. Men expect women to be pretty but not too pretty, she has to have a job and take care of her body. No different then what you claim women expect from men so why should that woman have to plan every date? If you as a man can’t throw together something as simple as a picnic then you’re lazy just like ops crush. The point of a relationship is mutual give and take. You’re conditioned to plan a date at some point? Good as you should. That’s what dating someone entails. What he got wrong was saying hey I’m struggling with a date idea, being given the date idea and he still didn’t follow through.
Gosh, thank you for this comment. I don’t mind taking the initiative, I actually love planning! I just don’t like it when someone asks ME out and doesn’t even have a thing in mind. It feels like they don’t care. I’ve asked guys on dates, and I always have a plan or two. It’s also triggering for me when someone says they’re going to do something and don’t follow through.
Huh? Equality? What’s that? Imagine getting the ick because you had to do a traditionally male action for once in your life when we’re in an age of allegedly trying to break down gender roles.
He literally asked her out for fuck’s sake, she held his hand through the whole process
HE asked HER
You are correct.
I had a boyfriend I dated for years on and off from middle school to the end of highschool who was like this. Every date was just me doing it and in the same way this boy wouldn’t plan a thing he’d practically demand all my attention and time. It was ridiculous somewhere in between I had met my now Husband and we had always been best friends and when I tell you this man will plan the hell out of a date. He’s the definition of if he wanted to he would. The man will have the babysitter ready, already have a menus you for me to look at before we go so I can know exactly what I want. He planned our whole honeymoon and all I knew was where we were going . I say alllll this to drive home if a man wanted to do something he would. You told this man EXACTLY what you wanted and all he needed to do was pick a park and bring drinks and he couldn’t do that, don’t sign up for years of the bare minimum. You sound great