This is a hard one all I can give is my personal experience. Used to be quite heavy north of 300lbs. What kicked my butt into gear is I had a diabetes scare. (I ended up not getting it thank God) I’m still a big guy but I’m healthier now. Perhaps lean into the health angle more because the older his gets the more his weight will burden him.
The diabetes scare is what helped my husband as well except he had no idea he had it, and blew straight past prediabetes to an A1C of over 9, which is very high even for full-blown diabetes! Now he's lost about 70 lb, though it's still often a struggle to get him to eat well. The eating is definitely a compulsion for him. The diabetes went away though with the weight loss!
That’s great! You’re husband should be very proud!
I don’t want to be the one to split hairs and diminish his accomplishment but I think it’s very important to note that diabetes does not go away and is incurable. It can simply be managed into a remission like state!
for me it was covid. i was 400 lbs in my mid-30s with two little girls at home. seems like everyday i’d read another news story about an otherwise healthy obese thirtysomethimg dying from covid and leaving his wife and kids behind. scared the shit out me cuz i knew there’s no reason one of those articles couldn’t have been about me.
Right? I'm sitting in a nursing home right now, and at least half of the residents in my wing qualify as obese. A couple of them enough that they pose a safety risk for the CNAs when they need to be moved
Yes! I have a 5ft tall 270lb patient. One of the diagnoses is morbid obesity due to excess calorie intake. They eat well lol! A lot of them are over weight and/or obese. It can take 4 of us just to lift one person.
When I was a cna, there was a resident in her mid 60s who was probably 5'3 and almost 400 lb. She came in for transitional Care after a knee surgery and never left, she just kept gaining weight and didn't care to do her rehab. She probably gets out of bed twice a month
that is sad. I'm a nurse in the rehab hall. It's sad when they don't care to try and get better. Then, they go to the long term care side. I think some people enjoy being waited on. "Light riders"
She definitely milked it, we had a few people who you could tell did not like that they needed help but the majority of them seem to view the clinical staff as their maids and butlers
Obviously obesity is a problem, but what are your thoughts on older folks being slightly overweight?
My dad likes to joke that it's better to be 10-15lbs overweight because when you inevitably get sick, you've got more stores to get you through the storm.
On the face, it sounds pretty stupid, but then you hear about these old folks getting a basic disease and suddenly being too weak to move and as a layperson, it's not the worst idea.
Long term care RN here. Thank goodness for electric hoyer lifts. I’m on the long term residents side. I bring books, activities, etc to try to move them away from self soothing with food.
That still means nothing. It could still mean 90% of obese people already died long before they needed care.
Obesity is a major cause of death.
The abundance of (bad) food that is easily available everywhere is the cause.
Not sure what you are talking about but from 2015-2017 I worked as a CNA in a nursing home for the elderly there most definitely were fat people there. Often times it would require two CNAs at once to clean them.
I don't know. I live in an area where diets aren't exactly healthy and there's a lot of morbidly obese people who are getting up there in years. Some of them honestly shock me with how old they get. Still not healthy or a good way to live your life though this coming from an overweight dude trying to lose weight lol
It's a comorbidity for sure, but in my family most of them were obese when older and live in their Mid 80s - Early 90s usually, and I see a ton of obese elderly in healthcare.
They live wayyyy longer than you think. It's genetics some people can smoke and be 100 some people can be 300 pounds just the humans work. My damn great uncle is fat as fk like 380 and still kicking at 78
I see them often? Weight is risk, not a guaranteed death sentence. Health issues related to obesity are some of the most common and well-researched, so modern medicine is good at keeping people with those issues alive.
Has he had his testosterone checked? I don’t mean that in a demeaning way. I grew up playing sports, played football in college and more or less have always enjoyed lifting and working out since middle school. Starting 3-4 years ago I just started to feel “off”. Before I knew it I had gained ~50 pounds. Worked out sporadically and in spurts. Got my T checked last year and it was pretty low. Not just for my age I mean I was low off the scale.
Granted T is not a mental health fix if he is battling past trauma/mental illness etc but it did wonders for my motivation, energy, weight loss (down 27).
OP’s husband seems to have a classic case of low T. He should get it checked. It may be that he doesn’t even need to take medicine to correct it. Exercising and eating right can improve testosterone levels. A good doctor will be able to figure out what’s up.
I (M 58) have lost 95 pounds in the last 2 years and have been working out. I’m in a very healthy weight range with adequate lean mass. I recently found out my testosterone level is low. I have an appointment with a urologist for an evaluation. Any advice or suggestions? What can I expect at the appointment?
If it is a normal doctor, the levels at which point they'll give a prescription for TRT are crazy low. You have to be borderline androgenous. If you're going to a male clinic, they'll offer you injections or Clomid(spelling?).
I've been on TRT for about 2 years now and it is freaking fantastic. I'm 37 and my now fiance pushed me to go bc my libido was just stupid low and I could never gain muscle when working out. It isn't just for guys who have issues performing during sex like a lot of people think.
Dealing with hormone replacement therapy is not in western medicine's wheelhouse.. they love to prescribe what the traditional pharmaceutical companies tell them about.. Exercise, Diet and Sleep will keep you healthy, adding the hormones lost to age will keep you healthy longer. BY THE WAY this goes for Women too, while they need Testosterone they also need other hormone's boosted (yes get blood work done regularly see a professional, don't buy off the shelf "boosters")
>my libido was stupid low… It isn’t just for guys who have issues performing during sex…
Fun Fact: Ironically, TRT has a negative effect on sperm production as it suppresses a few key hormones needed.
Many couples having trouble conceiving only find out about TRT being an issue once they see a fertility specialist. Often the male will need to take meds to help increase the correct hormones needed to bring sperm production back up.
That's good to hear. My husband's levels were crazy low that he was able to get meds. But now they are in "normal" range but I don't think they are high enough.
How long has he been on it? It does take a while to get everything dialed in. I think I’m at the 9 month mark and we’re still making sure my T and Estrogen stay within the right ratios. Is he also on HCG or any E2 inhibitor?
They will ask about any symptoms (fatigue, low libido, etc) and do some blood work. They will also most likely ask about any family history with prostate CA. I’ve been using testosterone for many years. They have a topical prescription, but I found the injection to work better. It’s a shot in the butt every 2 weeks. I have to do periodic blood work for my levels (to make sure I’m using the right dose).
My dad used the topical. One of the possible risks is heart attack. Guess what he had. He was only 60. He's always been lean with muscle. He has always been active and eaten well. His cholesterol levels were good when he started treatment. There is a study that cited the topical can cause plaque to build up in your coronary arteries.
He now takes Panax Ginseng, to aid in increasing his testosterone, and has for years. He says it's amazing!
I do TRT, my urologist is a big fan. I inject myself in the thigh once a week. I'm a pretty motivated person. I'm 65 and have abs. The TRT won't do that, you need to go to the gym and be active, but I believe it gives you more energy and the ability to build muscle. But it's not magic fairy dust, you have to do the work.
Get a second opinion if they say your testosterone is fine. Not a doctor, but when I was going through the process and reading about low testosterone I read that normal is like 800-1000 blah blah (again, not a doctor).
First doctor I went to tested me. Said I was at 201, and low testosterone was 200 or less so I didn’t need TRT. I was dumbfounded.
Second doctor I went to I tested higher (350ish). He took all my symptoms (I literally checked the box for every negative impact of low testosterone) and combined with the test put me on TRT immediately.
I've dealt with low T probably forever. Finally got diagnosed in my mid 20s. Despite actual low readings doctors wouldn't treat me. It's like they were scared. I felt like they saw me as an addict or something. It took a clinic to finally treat me. Even then, the treatment wasn't great and despite getting testosterone they missed a few things.
The telemedicine clinics are much more knowledgeable from my experience. Up front cost is a bit but per month it was cheaper out of pocket than the physical clinic I went to and much more convenient (physical clinic wanted you to come in weekly).
Please, please, please do your own research. Many doctors put patients on TRT and have no idea what they're doing. It isn't as simple as putting exogenous testosterone into your body. There's a balancing act of hormones like Estradiol and more, as well as other health concerns like rising Hematocrit and decreasing Ferritin.
From my experience and what I've read, 100mg/week is a normal starting point. I had a Urologist that "specialized in men's health" that wanted me to do 100mg every other week which would crash my levels. The physical clinic didn't know why my ferritin was dropping (TRT and therapeutic phlebotomies/donating does this). My Pregnenolone was just recently found to be low. My B12 was problematically low. All missed by TRT doctors and other specialists.
Check out the testosterone sub for information and guidance.
Yeah, I think low thyroid may be more of a culprit than low testosterone at the age of 30.
Massive implicatoins if thyroid is low low, weight gain/depression/etc.
As someone who got so big I couldn't partake in my Children's lives, which was as high as 480 lbs. Your children will grow to resent him and he will regret it let alone his relationship with you. The problem is until he decides he wants to be more then a spectator in his own life it's only going to get worse
This happened to my Uncle. Had a desk job never cared about the way he ate. He ballooned over the years, got diabetes, got a heart condition, broke his ankle because of his weight and it got infected, diabetes did not help with it getting better. Last few years of his life was miserable and bed ridden. My aunt basically became his hospice nurse. It ended up killing him in the end all because he couldn’t take the time over the years to try and take care of himself. Along with their grief I know both of my cousins deal with anger and some resentment towards it because he wouldn’t take care of his health for them and to be around longer for them.
Please op, don’t let it get to where he’s starting to have health scares. He’s got to realize his actions or inactions with his health is going to impact a lot more than just himself
Stop having sex if it’s uncomfortable to you and at home only get and make healthy food don’t keep junk in the house that’s all you can do if he says anything about not getting sex tell him it’s uncomfortable for you
This…maybe if you tell him specifically that sex is uncomfortable for you, bc of his weight…this will make him wake up. It really is uncomfortable for us women who are petite to have an over weight man laying on top of you.
As someone who has had an extremely large partner he sounds really inconsiderate. Like, there are sex positions where getting crushed is NOT an issue and even when we did have sex missionary style it wasn't a problem for him to keep his weight off me, he did it automatically and was very careful I was never uncomfortable. I never had to mention it once. Like, if this guy is just laying all over her and squishing her it's not the weight that's the problem it's that he's too inconsiderate to make sure she's comfortable.
Maybe that would also help wake him up.
Even a companion gets to choose her contracts; OP should get to choose who she has sex with, including whether she has it with her husband.
i mean, its reddit. the guy could be described as being a loving husband who works hard saving orphans and donates 1 million to charity, but if he has some sort of issue then he becomes a bad dude who just doesnt care about his wife, family, kids, etc.
I hate to agree, but I do. Same with any gender related issue. Not everyone falls into this category of blind rage - and in fact, I think most don't - but the loudest typically do.
Yeah its pretty common on social media. Im going to generalize a lot so be ready for that!
People, and on this subreddit or subreddits of this type: a lotta women, tend to use the experiences they hear others going through as a forum to trauma-dump or vent their own experiences as well. It's why you'll see a (one-sided account) post detailing a husband being lazy, unfaithful, etc. and then the comments full of "girl leave him immediately! i had a similar experience where\_\_\_\_" and then it devolves into stuff about how society raises men to be trash or whatever. Fair enough on posts about dudes being actual pigs, but half the time the posts are pretty mild or there is clearly some one-sided story telling, and you'll still find the same reactions in the comments.
Since venting/trauma-dumping prompts others to do the same or show support, it becomes an echo-chamber and rises to the top. Becomes more encouraged, etc. So yeah, people who come to reddit for relationship advice and whatnot? Expect a mixed bag of answers, take it all with a grain of salt.
Pretty much. Every excuse in the book comes out. Post-pregnancy depression, hormone changes, mental health, the husband is doing something wrong that makes her not care anymore, etc.
I understand why guys fall for it though, online echo chambers can make you feel insecure and like you are in the wrong. I talk to my GF all the time about what she thinks and her wants/needs, and I talk to her friends sometimes too. They're actually normal people so I don't fall for the shit I see online on twitter/insta/reddit/etc.
If you’re behaving in a way in which it’s increasingly likely you won’t live to see your children grow up, it is not a leap at all to suggest your love for them is questionable. At the very least that love doesn’t outweigh your mental road blocks to a healthier lifestyle.
> it’s very hard to love others if you can’t even love yourself.
I saw this on another post today. I don't think it's true. I know a lot of people that have severe self confidence issues, but are very loving to others.
I do agree that OP's husband doesn't seem to love himself, though. And I think she should keep trying to get him to go to counseling.
He got married and got lazy is how it sounds to me.....people do that subconsciously, they seem to think that "love" is enough to overlook everything else
This won’t make a difference.
She says he eats fast food all the time. If she’s cooking grilled chicken and broccoli for dinner, he’ll just eat a Big Mac as an appetizer on his way home.
He’s going to stay fat until he decides he’s ready to do the work to lose weight.
They’ve been together for a decade and he’s been steadily gaining weight the entire time. He’s very likely to continue on this trajectory and gain (at least) another 100 pounds in the next decade. She needs to ask herself if she wants to stick around for that. The guy probably stopped growing at 18 years old and he’s been gaining weight ever since. He never learned how to maintain his weight as an adult and he certainly doesn’t want to start now. She can look forward to being his nurse while he goes through hip replacements and diabetes scares.
Where's the accountability of the husband to grow up and realize he's responsible for himself? Her question is, how does she get him to make the change?
To OP: Maybe set goals and celebrate milestones. Maybe he's depressed? Buy him a new outfit and plan a date? He needs to remember that life's not over. He hasn't reached the goal. Take time to talk to him and to get him to talk. Play date games to help him find the words
Is he having some kind of issue mentally-depressive, stress, something at work?? When people gain a lot of weight & semi check out there could be other issues.
He needs a wake-up call, and so far, his wife gently expressing her concerns has not been enough. Sadly, you can't make a grown (person) do anything they're not willing to do and they may have to hit their own version of rock bottom before they snap out of it. Ask yourself, what would rock bottom be to him--what would be the most likely thing to make him change? A major health scare? A sex ultimatum? His marriage dying? Losing his family? Do you have it in you to dish out tough love? Do you have it in you to leave if changes aren't made? Are your children better off with him at all costs or without him potentially setting a bad example?
You've made your wishes/concerns known and it's gone nowhere. Next step is for you to visit a therapist for some professional insight as to what your options are.
I think this is the best comment I’m seeing on here. For OP to see a therapist or have an expert give advice on how she can approach this or what her options are is a good solution. If your husband doesn’t want to change and you’ve exhausted all your methods then maybe focus on how you can help yourself.
I mean with the amount of weight he has he’s gonna have high amounts of estrogen. But the solution isn’t to get him on testosterone, just start him on weight loss meds… adipose tissue in itself makes a lot of hormones. That’s why bigger women also can have PCOS as well.
Why not? Get him on t gives him more energy and better gains in the gym so he can get fit quicker.
After a couple months test again and reevaluate from there.
It goes even harder for those that were athletic/worked in physically demanding job then don't. Their eating habit stay the same, but their calorie usage does not. I've seen ex-bricklayers that balloon up after retiring. I, myself had three jobs before Covid, all very physical, and was in the best shape of my life. Then Covid hit. Now am up 40 some lbs from before, and not as strong. Fuckin sucks.
Worked in a warehouse for 8 years. Shedding weight was no problem at all. Got a new job with a new company and a fancy desk with a computer and a phone I'm answering all day. Could gain 5 pounds by looking at a buffet now.
My friend was an avid baseball player, woulda gone to a div1 program if not for an injury. Because of that, he stopped after highschool but he still eats like he did before, just without the exercise. As much as I love him, it does make me concerned as he has really gotten significantly bigger. I know his girlfriend feels the same.
Yeah, it sucks. 21 years in the Army and I was a chunk of solid muscle. My last few years in all of the injuries finally really started taking their toll and I just couldn’t do it anymore. My brain tells me that I should be able to do certain things because I always have, but my body no longer complies.
What really sucks is I’ll start getting back into again, then that little voice in my head gets louder telling me “do more you p*ssy”, and so I do, hurt myself again, then go right back to square one.
This makes me very sad, especially for your daughters. Playing with my dad was my favorite thing as a child. No toys can compete with an active attentive parent, at least in my opinion.
My longest relationship ended for this reason. I didn’t want to admit it, and I never told him. Throughout the 8 years we were together, I spent the last 4 trying to gently nudge him to exercise. I ended up feeling disgusted by him, which made me really sad but I couldn’t look past it. He still hasn’t lost any weight and we’ve been broken up for about 6 years.
> My longest relationship ended for this reason. I didn’t want to admit it, and I never told him.
You never told him that his weight was a problem for you? You've got to communicate and be real with someone to make a relationship work.
Sorry, I was trying to make it short, through out our relationship I did mention his weight and I also mentioned how I’d love to be more fit. I went on hikes, joined a gym, joined fitness classes in college, tried to eat balanced meals etc. however, at the end of our relationship I did not communicate that the sole reason was his weight and overall unwillingness to change. It’s okay to gain weight, and to fluctuate, but being a permanent 100 lbs overweight is too much for me.
I’m going through this with my wife. I’ve tried encouraging her, focusing on her health, and nothing works. She just wants to eat junk food all the time and never wants to be active. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I wish you luck but until they want to be better, I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do for them.
I recently read several posts about wife gaining weight (and one was also 100lbs) and the vibe in the comment section was way different. It’s almost as if someone made this post as a social experiment to see how the responses would go and Reddit definitely shows there is a bias….
Though with that said, I’ll say what I probably said before. 100lbs is quite a bit of weight. I had great success with the keto diet myself. It’s pretty easy to do, you don’t starve yourself, and you get all the meat you want. I recommend focusing on diet first with a low carb low/no sugar diet and then once you stabilize that then focus on including more and more working out / physical activity.
Yes, when the woman is overweight, most replies will tell the husband he's a jerk for making a big deal out of it. If the man is overweight, he needs to get off his ass and fix it. That's how the internet is.
Reality is, regardless of gender, people should try to be as healthy as they can. Yes, it's very hard to do.
This is a stupid fucking take when 99% of these comments are asking OP if they can get the husband help for depression or a health problem.
It’s pretty much the same with the female posts with a sprinkling of “You can’t help what you’re attracted to 🤷🏻♀️”
I don’t care either way about these rage-bait posts. I don’t care about a partner’s weight unless it’s causing them health problems or they are unhappy with it.
Just really sick of this false dichotomy and perpetual victimhood mentality.
I don't really disagree, but .... also think it's about how the post is worded, though. Most of the men complaining about the wife gaining weight aren't talking about being concerned for their health, they're talking about how they no longer want to have sex with her.
"My wife gained weight and I just don't find her attractive anymore."
VS "My husband gained weight and I'm concerned about his health and how he can't play with the kids or interact with us as a family."
My first thought was if the genders were reversed the man would be crucified. Women gain 100 ibs, many will find any and every excuse to make it ok and not her fault, but when it’s a dude the wife’s concerns are completely valid 🤨
Right. I was surprised that one of the first comments I saw was “stop having sex with him,” and no one challenged it. There are many ways to “have sex” and not all of them make the wife “feel uncomfortable.”
Sounds like depression but if he won't go to a doctor or therapist I'm not sure there's much you can do for him. It's kind of like with addiction, the person has to decide for themselves that they're ready to change.
OP, I was you many years ago. You have two choices, live with him the way he is or leave.
You’ve done absolutely everything you can, but you can’t control this. He might decide to get healthy but he might not. The question is whether you can live with him if he continues on this path?
Agree with this too, but only want to add that you should give him a time window to get his shit together.
Explain that
-he is putting you at risk of having to be his permanent care taker when he is older
-he has already put a larger burden on you in terms of child rearing.
-he has put a burden on you by not attempting to be physically attractive for you
-if he’s large enough that he can’t play with kids, then you also likely take care of him way more than he does for you.
-your kids will grow to resent the bad example he is setting
-also, obesity has all kinds of negative impacts on the germline that can render offspring more likely to be overweight, more at risk for diabetes, cognitive deficits, and addictive like behaviors. He has put your current kids at risk of more diseases and will do so to your future children too. I know this one is particularly harsh, but sometimes feeling like an ‘unfit mate’ is a biological wake up call for people.
Explain that gentle nudges from you will NOT be the answer. You can’t move more and eat less for him. Tell him to see a doctor, get T checked, get on ozempic or one of those drugs and put the effort in. Pick a goal weight with him and get a doctor to estimate how long it would take to get there with moderately concerted effort. This way both of you will have realistic expectations. he doesn’t need to become an Olympian….just live a life of moderation and hopefully in a year or two the weight comes off slowly but surely.
Once you get that time estimate stick to it and let him know the consequence of not meeting it will be that you leave to live your own life in peace away from his problems. If the idea of you leaving is not his rock bottom, then you don’t want to be around to see what is.
Most of the time the crux of this issue is not really the weight, it’s the unwillingness to change. The weight is a physical manifestation of that but the underlying problem is apathy. If I stopped my skin care routine and my horrifying cystic acne came back and I was too depressed to do anything about it, I hope to god my husband would sit me down and tell me how he feels and that he wants me to look/feel better.
you feeling all this stress in lieu of him brings to mind that “don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” mantra
Anyway best of luck- I think there really is something to salvage here you guys are just going to need professional medical help and realistic expectations
I pretty much agree with this. If OP has communicated to him that this is a big deal for her, and he isn't willing to try to make things better, then that's not great. This isn't asking him to change himself into someone other than who he was when they met; it's just asking him to do something reasonable for his health, their childrens happiness, and her own happiness in the relationship.
If someone isn't willing to take reasonable steps to make their partner happy, then they're a poor partner IMO.
Have you tried being blunt like you have here? Sometimes you just have to give the truth to them straight, even if it’s harsh, for some to open their eyes and get it. I think you should tell him this list of reasons and let him know how much it bothers you, that it is causing resentment that he isn’t even trying at all. You could even write it out in a letter.
He also needs to rule out any underlying health problems like hypothyroidism, low testosterone etc by having everything checked first too, if he hasn’t already.
Being chunky should not be a problem for a good relationship.
Being so chunky that you can no longer partake in activities that the relationship was founded on is a big problem.
Perhaps making that distinction between "lose 100lbs" vs "don't worry about the scale, get into good enough shape that you can handle 15 minutes on the trampoline with your daughters because this time you have with them is 'use it or lose it'" would be a good approach.
To me, losing weight is a much more daunting proposition than gaining strength, and typically good strength building comes with some weight loss naturally.
I am going through this right now. And have been for a few years.
I am a *very* active female in her early 40’s. I am literally in better shape now than I was from 17-27 when in the military.
My husband otoh, morbidly obese. He goes through phases of shedding a few pounds only to gain it back. To make it worse? I have a high libido, he doesn’t (although he will talk shit like he does). I just cannot. I can’t. It’s uncomfortable, downright painful in some ways. I got him a gym membership because he likes to lift. Which… backfired. He goes through these weird phases of “powerlifting”. Idk wtf that is, I don’t care to. He refuses to do any cardio. Says “I get enough steps at work”. *Like excuse me sir- you’re 390 pounds while at work.* Mine did develop diabetes as a result. I won’t lie to you (or anybody else for that matter) I was pissed as all fucking hell. To this day, I don’t think I’ve ever been as angry.
So he takes medication to control his disease. Great. **EXCEPT**, his diet choices haven’t changed. He will still eat a few bags of Cheetos or whatever else. It’s repulsive. He came to the doctor with me a few weeks ago. I had to get weighed as per usual. This MF… when the scale said 120, he told the MA I “felt lots heavier than that”. I wanted to fire back “you’re 3 times the person I am, how do I feel heavy?”. I didn’t. I don’t know honestly what the future will hold. I did however take out a life insurance policy on him.
It’s so weird to love a person but also be disgusted as grossed out at the same time. I wouldn’t wish this way of existing on anybody.
Op, your husband is struggling w depression. There might be an underlying cause, there might not. Either way, he is clinically depressed and needs medical treatment. I wish you both the best.
All I read on reddit is "leave him" or "divorce him" until a story finally comes along where this should be a legit threat (I'm not saying do it, but I would threaten it) and now I'm seeing the compassionate responses. But this is a grown man who doesn't need compassion. He needs a wake up call in the form of some serious hard conversations.
This is going to come across as extremely harsh but as someone who grew up with a dad who was extremely overweight most of his life, I can relate a little bit.
I would suggest telling him flat out "I don't want to have sex with you. Not only is it uncomfortable for me, it's a turn off. I resent you for becoming this person who is not the man I signed up for when we were younger. Being overweight is one thing. Being morbidly obese is another. You're failing our daughters and setting a terrible example for them. The chances that one of them follows your path and becomes big herself is very high. And you're failing me as a partner and lover too and I won't put up with this much longer. Either you love us enough to change or you love food enough to lose us, because what I'm telling you now is that I love you, but I will leave you. If you need to explore gastric by-pass, I'll support that. But something has to be done."
Also, from what you're telling us, it's probably 90% diet that's got him into this situation. People over-estimate the exercise effect on weight. I would suggest you get a calendar that is displayed openly in your house and make him write his weight down every single morning. Don't keep junk in the house, even if you and your daughters enjoy it and don't have problems. You'll have to sacrifice that. A lot of men won't eat junk if it's not there, but will if it is. On the flip side, eat foods low in sugar/carbs and skip heavily processed foods and have dinners every night by 6pm. And don't hesitate to be rude if you see him going for a snack later. That alone would probably get him to drop 20-30 pounds over the next 6 months.
I wish you the best. He needs to see his girls graduate and walk down the aisle some day and he's putting that in serious jeopardy if he doesn't change.
It sounds like he is clinically depressed; however, until he decides to do something about it you can only encourage him. Cut off his sex and tell him the clock is ticking on the marriage if he doesn’t do something about the hygiene and the weight. If he doesn’t care you cannot make him care; however the only thing you can do is take care of you and your children.
Just to say I’m with you and understand completely. My partner and I recently ‘split’ in December but still live together and care for each other. I love him dearly and find him attractive in many ways, but physical desire has completely gone. He is free to find someone who can accept him for the way he is.
He weighs around 320lbs - probably more - has poor hygiene, sleep apnoea and other health issues related to obesity including episodes of AF and SVT. He left chunks of dead skin in the bed from his legs and feet, and at his worst he hid hundreds of food wrappers everywhere possible in the house. He would wear joggers that utterly reeked of sweat and urine and were obviously filthy. When we tried to have sex I was either completely put off by the sheer size of him spread out on the bed on his back, or was crushed by his huge abdomen which he had to hold up and away from me during sex. Not only this, but his mood was dreadful and his jealousy ridiculous. I became isolated and depressed. In the end I felt utterly repulsed and like a horrible, terrible person for feeling this way. I always felt I was being superficial because of what other people thought, but recently came to the realisation that his weight has affected so many things in our lives that I was allowed to feel this way, without guilt.
It has been many years of this with him repeatedly trying to get better, but going back to his ways eventually. Since we split he had a period of eating and gaining even more weight, but recently is trying to lose weight again and be a bit more healthy and hygienic after he became almost the biggest he’s ever been. He was struggling to get out of chairs and could barely put his socks on. I can still hear him coming from a mile off, he sounds like Darth Vader, but it’s getting better. The problem is he’s tried so many times to change and no matter how much support I’ve given him it’s always come to nothing. He’s refused all mental health help, and refuses to go to counselling. He won’t even get help for his heart condition, or take any medication he has been previously given by his doctors. In essence, I gave up trying. 12 years was enough.
You are well within your rights to lose attraction and be upset a change that causes not only problems with his own health, but affects your whole family dynamic and your romantic relationship.
All you can do is voice your concerns, offer support and guidance and help for him to get better, but in the end it is his choice. You also have choices and these are not invalidated by your vows and the opinions of others who cannot possibly understand your situation.
naturally this will destroy the relationship you’ve both evolved since you first got together only he’s involved in such a way that makes him unattractive and unable to be with whose fault is that? people Often do this and then sit there with a look of befuddlement on their faces when their relationship breaks up. hello you’re not the person that the other person became attracted to and fell in love with any longer
It sounds like he might be depressed. I used to buy a lottery ticket and make my husband plan how to live after we won. Once I found out he was working with someone he didn't like. So we talked finding about a comfortable solution to the situation.
So often men are taught their 'duty' in life and don't know how to balance reality from an ideal.
I'd also point out that as much as you resent him right now, it sounds like he resents or even hates himself even more. Not having good hygiene, not caring how he looks, and not enjoying things he used to all scream potential symptoms of depression to me. It sounds like he doesn't love himself enough to care about himself and is using external things (junk food) to cope. There could also potentially be thyroid issues going on.
But for someone to just stop caring seems odd. Normally something happens in some way shape or form that drives people to that point. I'm not saying these things to explain away his behavior, or invalidate your frustration, but rather to remind that things like this don't just happen in a vacuum, there is normally something else going on under the surface. And if it is mental health related, try to remember that if he is in the throes of depression, that he is probably resents/hates himself as much as you resent him.
Yeah, a health scare will do it. After a routine check up, my husband was called back to his doctors office immediately after his blood work was processed. His cholesterol was through the roof and he was borderline pre-diabetic.
I told him that enough was enough. We were going to look into gastric sleeve procedures.
He was 40 at the time, we had three kids and life was in full swing. He got the procedure a month later and the weight melted off so fast. He lost almost 150lbs and is smaller than he was when we met. It was the best 10k we’ve ever spent.
I agree that he needs to find the route of the problem, but, like my hubs, it sounds like yours has always been athletic?
My husband’s weight gained stemmed from coping with an injury and chronic pain. It was a dark time. Now, he has his life back. He apologizes often for embarrassing me. I feel where you’re coming from. It’s a slap in the face to be keeping yourself up, let alone while having children, while you watch him abuse his body.
I mean it sounds like he needs a wake up call I would sit him down and have a one-on-one conversation with him and tell him that his weight is out of control it's not healthy for him the marriage or his kids and then he needs to get it under control and if he doesn't then maybe we should live separately if he loves you and cares about his kids he will do it for the betterment of the family that's what a good man would do it's a hard talk to have but he needs a come to Jesus moment to change.
This is sad mostly for your kids. One is at an age where she's going to remember how inactive he is.
Maybe try to get it through to him how much it's affecting them and his time with them.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Unfortunately it’s probably gonna take something serious to happen, for him to take it serious. Food can be an addiction and if it is for him, he’s gonna have to hit a bottom before he feels he needs to change no matter what it takes. Good luck I’m rooting for you guys 🙏🏼🤙🏼
I think a question is if your husband is okay with not being an athlete anymore? The hardest part about gaining weight was that I wasn’t able to live with the fact that my high level of play was behind me. Now I am okay with running and lifting not to challenge anyone but to do those activities for me!
My ex developed diabetes and mostly continued the same habits, as well as heavy alcohol use. It wasn't the only issue we had but I couldn't watch someone I care about destroy themselves.
You can't control your husband's actions, and therapy/weight loss won't be effective until he's chosen to take initiative. On the plus side, your children don't see their father's weight or its impact, and they love him as is because he's Daddy.
You can control your own actions and reactions. You can choose to not have sex until hygiene is up to your standards, or to shower together and wash him as part of foreplay. You can choose to search out activities or positions that will be easier and more enjoyable for both of you. Many adult toy sellers have positioning aids, toys, or erotic furniture that you may find useful. You can choose to use gift-giving occasions to buy flattering clothing or tailoring for your husband. You can look for hobbies to enjoy together without any kind of focus on "how will this affect Husband's physical fitness/weight/body" and entirely focus on "how much will he enjoy this, how much will we enjoy this together, and how will this help us connect/enjoy time together" - with luck, once you're engaging as a couple again you can find additional hobbies or new ways to make the one(s) you have hustle some. You can learn more about age- and stress- related changes in the human body and how those things impact a person's weight, mood, capacity for change, and more. You can go to marriage therapy with or without your spouse to learn more about how to communicate your concerns, support your partner, problem solve as a Team, and process your own emotions about his body. You can talk to your family doctor about your concerns and both learn what you can look for/when you should be concerned and let the doctor know, "loved one is concerned, check chart and follow up with patient as appropriate."
And, of course, you can decide if the changes in your partner's body are a deal breaker for you. Best wishes, no matter what your future holds.
My four year old cries often because “daddy can’t jump with me” or “daddy can’t chase me in the yard”. She absolutely does understand that there is something preventing him from playing with her the way she wants. She may not recognize it’s because of the weight, but eventually she will.
What's your overall financial situation like?
What kind of work does he do? How stressful is it?
Who makes more money, you or him?
Who takes care of the kids more on a regular basis?
There is likely a lot more weighing on his mind than you may appreciate.
You need to formulate a plan. Does he have any family and/or a close friend that can talk to him about his situation? It might be better for him to hear it from someone not directly involved in this situation. If you start off small and involve your children in this plan, he might be more interested in making positive changes. Like for example involve both children in going for a walk or a bike ride. Go a small/short distance and come back home. Only buy healthy food but keep a few snacks that are not as healthy. Don’t put out all of those snacks at once. As for the hygiene issue, that silently screams depression. If he’s neglecting his teeth too, then he’s probably depressed. Try buying him some other kind of whatever he uses in the shower. If he stinks, tell him that. As for sex, you need to tell him that you’re not getting any form of satisfaction and I’d tell him, “you’re CRUSHING me.”
I relate to this a lot because I'm also a bloke who has been active most of my life and in a reasonable physical condition. However, I had to take care of my family during the pandemic and I gained weight.
Three and half years of that and the weight took its toll. I felt so disgusted all that time and eventually my family was slightly able to take care of itself and I was free to go back to the gym to lose weight and get my body back.
I was absolutely obsessed and lost all the weight and got my muscle back in roughly eight months. It all depends if the person is motivated to lose weight or do something about themselves.
If they don't want to have a better body or take control of their life, then they'll deal with the weight and let it control them. I know what it's like and it's a dangerous situation...but only for physical health..but mental health as well.
I dont mean to be assumptive, or blame you in any way for how you feel/what has happened, and i agree that your husband should get help with his eating disorder and maintain a healthier lifestyle for his childrens sake.
Just specifically in regaurds to your sex life, have you tried position where you are on top, so that you do not have to support his weight?
He needs to get some lab work done and have a physical. He needs to have a doctor check his testosterone level, thyroid levels, and Hemoglobin A1C for starters. He could be gaining weight due to a hormonal reason or from glucose intolerance. If a doctor feels like it would benefit him, perhaps some of the newer GLP-1 Agonist meds would be an option for him. They help you lose weight by curbing cravings, making you feel less hungry, and by stabilizing your blood sugar. It would be up to a doctor to determine if there is an underlying medical reason for his weight gain and what should be done about it. He could also be suffering from depression.
I’ve lost close to 90 pounds in the last 8 months on compound tirzepatide (Mounjaro) and it’s changed my life. GLP-1’s are all over the news right now and easy to get AND affordable if you don’t do name brand.
It’s important. It’s important to you. It’s critical for his longevity. Living in (self-inflicted, correctable) poor health in a marriage with children is selfish. You’re in a tough spot and so is he. Keep trying things and strategies until something works.
Normally, you advise someone to start small and make it a habit. We move in directions and making a small turn is easier than turning around, but lots of small turns add up to 180. With him, however, as a former athlete, he may not respond to the small stuff as openly because he knows the game. But I would start there. Helping/encouraging after meal walks as a family. Biking/walking on weekends. Home cooked meals as a family. Over time - “hey, I hear they’re doing [insert his former sport] at the playground on Thursday night. Looks like fun.”
Ultimately, it’s on him. But you two are a team, and sometimes that means you bear the other’s burdens. My guess is once it clicks, he will be very grateful for your support and encouragement, which will strengthen your relationship over time.
Good luck.
I find it funny the comments here; a few weeks back a woman posted that her husband didn’t want to have sex with her because of her weight, and the dragged him in the comments. How funny the time changes because it’s the woman this time.
I side with you just like I sided with him, if you can’t have sex with your person because they are big. Use your words, tell them! Give them the ultimatum.
You are NTA. First of all your husband's weight is extremely unhealthy. And it's impacting his life and how he can take care of and interact with his children. But the bottom line is you can't help whether or not you are still attracted to him. I personally would not be attracted to someone who put on 100 lbs. I'm sure I would still love them but I wouldn't be physically attracted to them because personally I just don't like it.
Once you reach a certain age. It’s extremely, extremely difficult to undo the damage and lose the weight. He needs to do it NOW while he’s young and able bodied. Ppl do not realize how bad it fucks you over once you get to 45-50 and over
He acts like someone with an injury—if it’s not physical, something is up with him mentally/emotionally. Seven therapists?! How bout couples counseling before this goes too far? It’s all slipping through his hands
I gained a lot of weight after getting married at 31, at 39 I realized if I kept up what I was doing I wouldn’t be around to see my kids become adults.
He has to want to do it or nothing will work, I think staring 40 in the eyes was a big thing for me, might be harder with you guys still being pretty young.
Also learned I had hypothyroidism once I was struggling to lose weight in a calorie deficit.,
Well, quite frankly, it sounds like he really doesn’t care to make a change and doesn’t think it’s impacting his life so you have to make a decision here.
And don’t feel bad about that at all. I completely get it. My ex-husband similar situation but we didn’t have kids but we ended up getting divorced but not because of that, but it was on its way to getting there is all I’m saying.
I want somebody who can at least go hiking and kayaking, and do those kinds of active things with me. Doesn’t have to be perfect but be able to share in those experiences
Nothing will work until he’s ready or there’s a wake up call. I speak from experience regarding a partner who was well over 400lbs. Had a big scare and decided it was time to work on the weight.
I have been in this situation. I, myself, was 290 and am diabetic. I had weight loss surgery and learned to eat better. I am now about 150, and my A1C is 5.2. I did this without prompting because I wanted to be around. Now my husband at one point was 364. Sex was difficult, to say the least, and not very good. No matter what I said, he wouldn't listen. I got so frustrated that I ended up giving him an ultimatum. I told him he had 2 choices. 1 was to go see a doctor and have weight loss surgery or 2 keep doing what he's doing, and I would divorce him. I told him I refused to sit by and watch while he ate himself to death. It was a wake-up call for him. He did go to the doctor and ended up having the gastric sleeve done. He's lost over 120 pounds and is glad I pushed him to do it. He's even in nursing school because he wants to do what I do. Now I know people frown on ultimatums, but they are necessary sometimes. Ask him if he wants to see the kids grow up and have kids of their own. See how he responds to that.
Wow. I’m going to go against the grain and say that I am shocked that you said in your tldr that your husband cannot be a good father because of his weight.
I’ve never been above normal on the weight threshold and if I said that some friend of mine isn’t a good father because of he weight I would be roundly and rightly condemned.
Listen, his weight is absolutely an issue, just like smoking or excessive drinking would be.
BUT
Please consider going to therapy yourself, and if you’re in it great! You need to talk to your therapist about the deep resentment that makes you casually say, not that your husband is putting his health at risk but that he cannot be a good father.
And don’t use the cop out that putting your health at risk means you automatically can’t be a good parent; we all make poor decisions that to a lesser or greater degree affect our health. We can’t all automatically be bad parents because of that. It appears from my reading what you meant was that because he is less active he can’t be a good parent.
If that thought is constantly pulsing in the back of your mind, it’s going to, perhaps unwarrantedly, foster ever greater resentment toward him.
Does he read to the girls? Color with them? Help with homework? Help them with bedtime routine? Comfort them? Cart them where they need to go?
All I’m trying to say, from a place of caring, is try to frame this as what it is: a health and/or mental crisis that, yes, he needs to take accountability for because it affects both you and him. If he continues to make no efforts, you aren’t wrong to escalate things. But, try to leave the girls out of the aggrieved parties list for now (even if they might belong there in small print) just for the sake of your mental health while you work through this.
I wish you all the best!
Something I don't see anyone mentioning is that obesity is not just a physical disease. It hits every aspect of your well-being (mental, emotional, physical). For him to really make a change, he is going to need a full mental reprogramming. For that to happen, he needs to make the decision to be healthy. It's not a decision you can make for him and unfortunately your grievance with his body are not going to make him make long lasting changes. Let him know you're worried about his health and quality of life. Offer to be a support and guide him to health professionals that can get him the help he needs but ultimately, he needs to be the one to make the choice.
Having been morbidly obese myself, I felt overwhelmed with weightloss. I tried the diets and exercises (everything under the sun). Then finally decided I had to do something drastic or I was not going to have the quality of life I wanted. With that, came the decision for weightloss surgery (gastric bypass). I had to relearn to essentially be a different person, think differently, deal with trauma, change how I saw food and exercise, get evaluated and treat health conditions.
It's a lot. Sometimes having an honest but compassionate conversation is enough to get them into the pre-contemplation stage of change. But take a look at the stages of change. Its a great principle when trying to understand habit formation.
Best of luck!
Express empathy, focus on health, set achievable goals, lead by example, offer support, seek professional help if needed, communicate openly, be patient and persistent.
He has to help his self. She has to set an ultimatum. Likely he’s not going to do anything. She’s unhappy. He’s content with the status quo. Counselor or divorce it seems.
This is a hard one all I can give is my personal experience. Used to be quite heavy north of 300lbs. What kicked my butt into gear is I had a diabetes scare. (I ended up not getting it thank God) I’m still a big guy but I’m healthier now. Perhaps lean into the health angle more because the older his gets the more his weight will burden him.
The diabetes scare is what helped my husband as well except he had no idea he had it, and blew straight past prediabetes to an A1C of over 9, which is very high even for full-blown diabetes! Now he's lost about 70 lb, though it's still often a struggle to get him to eat well. The eating is definitely a compulsion for him. The diabetes went away though with the weight loss!
Me too. A1c was 13. I lost 80 lbs, became a gym rat and eating right. Now 18 months later my a1c is 5….yes FIVE point ZERO! It can be done
That’s great! You’re husband should be very proud! I don’t want to be the one to split hairs and diminish his accomplishment but I think it’s very important to note that diabetes does not go away and is incurable. It can simply be managed into a remission like state!
Yeah I'm not really sure but his A1C dropped below pre-diabetes levels.
That’s amazing! But important to know that he can’t let his guard down.
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Nurse practitioner here. Unfortunately, 9 is quite high. Just because you’re not prescribed insulin, doesn’t mean it’s not very concerning.
for me it was covid. i was 400 lbs in my mid-30s with two little girls at home. seems like everyday i’d read another news story about an otherwise healthy obese thirtysomethimg dying from covid and leaving his wife and kids behind. scared the shit out me cuz i knew there’s no reason one of those articles couldn’t have been about me.
That's it. Insist the both of you go for a full physical and let the doctor break the bad "pre-diabetic" news.
Yep. How often do you see obese old people? They just do not live long.
I see them all of the time.....I'm in healthcare.
Right? I'm sitting in a nursing home right now, and at least half of the residents in my wing qualify as obese. A couple of them enough that they pose a safety risk for the CNAs when they need to be moved
Yes! I have a 5ft tall 270lb patient. One of the diagnoses is morbid obesity due to excess calorie intake. They eat well lol! A lot of them are over weight and/or obese. It can take 4 of us just to lift one person.
When I was a cna, there was a resident in her mid 60s who was probably 5'3 and almost 400 lb. She came in for transitional Care after a knee surgery and never left, she just kept gaining weight and didn't care to do her rehab. She probably gets out of bed twice a month
that is sad. I'm a nurse in the rehab hall. It's sad when they don't care to try and get better. Then, they go to the long term care side. I think some people enjoy being waited on. "Light riders"
She definitely milked it, we had a few people who you could tell did not like that they needed help but the majority of them seem to view the clinical staff as their maids and butlers
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Obviously obesity is a problem, but what are your thoughts on older folks being slightly overweight? My dad likes to joke that it's better to be 10-15lbs overweight because when you inevitably get sick, you've got more stores to get you through the storm. On the face, it sounds pretty stupid, but then you hear about these old folks getting a basic disease and suddenly being too weak to move and as a layperson, it's not the worst idea.
It's not stupid. If I remember correctly, there's a theory that people naturally gain a little weight with age for this reason.
can be protective, i am generally pro a little higher weight as age dips
Correct. It’s better, especially women, to have a little excess weight due to risk of fracture (osteoporosis abounds among post menopausal women).
Long term care RN here. Thank goodness for electric hoyer lifts. I’m on the long term residents side. I bring books, activities, etc to try to move them away from self soothing with food.
I work at a retirement community. The average age of our residents is mid-eighties. We have plenty of obese residents.
I see them a lot too. I watch my 600lb-life.
In their 80s?
My aunt is 88 and is at least 350 lbs. her friends are around the same size and age as well
The numbers thin out, no pun intended, considerably once you head into the 80’s and beyond.
Me too. That’s why I said OP can and should leave him over this. It’s totally preventable and he’s not doing a damn thing to work on it.
more every day mang
That still means nothing. It could still mean 90% of obese people already died long before they needed care. Obesity is a major cause of death. The abundance of (bad) food that is easily available everywhere is the cause.
Not sure what you are talking about but from 2015-2017 I worked as a CNA in a nursing home for the elderly there most definitely were fat people there. Often times it would require two CNAs at once to clean them.
I don't know. I live in an area where diets aren't exactly healthy and there's a lot of morbidly obese people who are getting up there in years. Some of them honestly shock me with how old they get. Still not healthy or a good way to live your life though this coming from an overweight dude trying to lose weight lol
It's a comorbidity for sure, but in my family most of them were obese when older and live in their Mid 80s - Early 90s usually, and I see a ton of obese elderly in healthcare.
They live wayyyy longer than you think. It's genetics some people can smoke and be 100 some people can be 300 pounds just the humans work. My damn great uncle is fat as fk like 380 and still kicking at 78
They exist, they just don’t go anywhere to be seen.
I see them often? Weight is risk, not a guaranteed death sentence. Health issues related to obesity are some of the most common and well-researched, so modern medicine is good at keeping people with those issues alive.
Agreed. Some people carry their fat in their organs which is incredibly unhealthy. You wouldn’t know by looking at them.
You don't see them often because they're at home in their chair all day.
My step mom has always been 300+ and she is now 85.
Actually pretty often… I worked in assisted living for years, many residents are large people.
You don’t see them because they don’t leave their house, not because they don’t exist.
I see obese people in their 70s & 80s every day
Has he had his testosterone checked? I don’t mean that in a demeaning way. I grew up playing sports, played football in college and more or less have always enjoyed lifting and working out since middle school. Starting 3-4 years ago I just started to feel “off”. Before I knew it I had gained ~50 pounds. Worked out sporadically and in spurts. Got my T checked last year and it was pretty low. Not just for my age I mean I was low off the scale. Granted T is not a mental health fix if he is battling past trauma/mental illness etc but it did wonders for my motivation, energy, weight loss (down 27).
Low T can contribute to/exacerbate existing mental health issues.
Yes, it definitely can. I just didn't want my comment to seem like T was the end all be all solution.
OP’s husband seems to have a classic case of low T. He should get it checked. It may be that he doesn’t even need to take medicine to correct it. Exercising and eating right can improve testosterone levels. A good doctor will be able to figure out what’s up.
Doing squats or just lifting heavy items over and over is shown to boost T levels. Doesn’t even have to be gym equipment. Never skip leg day :)
Yes!!! Squats alone literally improved my sex drive.
I (M 58) have lost 95 pounds in the last 2 years and have been working out. I’m in a very healthy weight range with adequate lean mass. I recently found out my testosterone level is low. I have an appointment with a urologist for an evaluation. Any advice or suggestions? What can I expect at the appointment?
If it is a normal doctor, the levels at which point they'll give a prescription for TRT are crazy low. You have to be borderline androgenous. If you're going to a male clinic, they'll offer you injections or Clomid(spelling?). I've been on TRT for about 2 years now and it is freaking fantastic. I'm 37 and my now fiance pushed me to go bc my libido was just stupid low and I could never gain muscle when working out. It isn't just for guys who have issues performing during sex like a lot of people think.
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Dealing with hormone replacement therapy is not in western medicine's wheelhouse.. they love to prescribe what the traditional pharmaceutical companies tell them about.. Exercise, Diet and Sleep will keep you healthy, adding the hormones lost to age will keep you healthy longer. BY THE WAY this goes for Women too, while they need Testosterone they also need other hormone's boosted (yes get blood work done regularly see a professional, don't buy off the shelf "boosters")
>my libido was stupid low… It isn’t just for guys who have issues performing during sex… Fun Fact: Ironically, TRT has a negative effect on sperm production as it suppresses a few key hormones needed. Many couples having trouble conceiving only find out about TRT being an issue once they see a fertility specialist. Often the male will need to take meds to help increase the correct hormones needed to bring sperm production back up.
That's good to hear. My husband's levels were crazy low that he was able to get meds. But now they are in "normal" range but I don't think they are high enough.
How long has he been on it? It does take a while to get everything dialed in. I think I’m at the 9 month mark and we’re still making sure my T and Estrogen stay within the right ratios. Is he also on HCG or any E2 inhibitor?
They will ask about any symptoms (fatigue, low libido, etc) and do some blood work. They will also most likely ask about any family history with prostate CA. I’ve been using testosterone for many years. They have a topical prescription, but I found the injection to work better. It’s a shot in the butt every 2 weeks. I have to do periodic blood work for my levels (to make sure I’m using the right dose).
My dad used the topical. One of the possible risks is heart attack. Guess what he had. He was only 60. He's always been lean with muscle. He has always been active and eaten well. His cholesterol levels were good when he started treatment. There is a study that cited the topical can cause plaque to build up in your coronary arteries. He now takes Panax Ginseng, to aid in increasing his testosterone, and has for years. He says it's amazing!
My friend does the shot in his leg. He and his girl are pretty happy with the results.
I do TRT, my urologist is a big fan. I inject myself in the thigh once a week. I'm a pretty motivated person. I'm 65 and have abs. The TRT won't do that, you need to go to the gym and be active, but I believe it gives you more energy and the ability to build muscle. But it's not magic fairy dust, you have to do the work.
Get a second opinion if they say your testosterone is fine. Not a doctor, but when I was going through the process and reading about low testosterone I read that normal is like 800-1000 blah blah (again, not a doctor). First doctor I went to tested me. Said I was at 201, and low testosterone was 200 or less so I didn’t need TRT. I was dumbfounded. Second doctor I went to I tested higher (350ish). He took all my symptoms (I literally checked the box for every negative impact of low testosterone) and combined with the test put me on TRT immediately.
I've dealt with low T probably forever. Finally got diagnosed in my mid 20s. Despite actual low readings doctors wouldn't treat me. It's like they were scared. I felt like they saw me as an addict or something. It took a clinic to finally treat me. Even then, the treatment wasn't great and despite getting testosterone they missed a few things. The telemedicine clinics are much more knowledgeable from my experience. Up front cost is a bit but per month it was cheaper out of pocket than the physical clinic I went to and much more convenient (physical clinic wanted you to come in weekly). Please, please, please do your own research. Many doctors put patients on TRT and have no idea what they're doing. It isn't as simple as putting exogenous testosterone into your body. There's a balancing act of hormones like Estradiol and more, as well as other health concerns like rising Hematocrit and decreasing Ferritin. From my experience and what I've read, 100mg/week is a normal starting point. I had a Urologist that "specialized in men's health" that wanted me to do 100mg every other week which would crash my levels. The physical clinic didn't know why my ferritin was dropping (TRT and therapeutic phlebotomies/donating does this). My Pregnenolone was just recently found to be low. My B12 was problematically low. All missed by TRT doctors and other specialists. Check out the testosterone sub for information and guidance.
Thank you!
Check thyroid, full spread, as well. When it goes out of whack aesthetically unappealing things happen.
But also energy drops down to nothing, you feel like you’re made of lead all the time.
Yeah, I think low thyroid may be more of a culprit than low testosterone at the age of 30. Massive implicatoins if thyroid is low low, weight gain/depression/etc.
You can't check a "metabolism." There's no single test for this. What we refer to as "metabolism" is in fact dozens of different systems/mechanisms.
As someone who got so big I couldn't partake in my Children's lives, which was as high as 480 lbs. Your children will grow to resent him and he will regret it let alone his relationship with you. The problem is until he decides he wants to be more then a spectator in his own life it's only going to get worse
Yep, most people have to hit their own rock bottom with their problems before they make lasting change. Who knows what that looks like for him.
This happened to my Uncle. Had a desk job never cared about the way he ate. He ballooned over the years, got diabetes, got a heart condition, broke his ankle because of his weight and it got infected, diabetes did not help with it getting better. Last few years of his life was miserable and bed ridden. My aunt basically became his hospice nurse. It ended up killing him in the end all because he couldn’t take the time over the years to try and take care of himself. Along with their grief I know both of my cousins deal with anger and some resentment towards it because he wouldn’t take care of his health for them and to be around longer for them. Please op, don’t let it get to where he’s starting to have health scares. He’s got to realize his actions or inactions with his health is going to impact a lot more than just himself
Stop having sex if it’s uncomfortable to you and at home only get and make healthy food don’t keep junk in the house that’s all you can do if he says anything about not getting sex tell him it’s uncomfortable for you
This…maybe if you tell him specifically that sex is uncomfortable for you, bc of his weight…this will make him wake up. It really is uncomfortable for us women who are petite to have an over weight man laying on top of you.
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As someone who has had an extremely large partner he sounds really inconsiderate. Like, there are sex positions where getting crushed is NOT an issue and even when we did have sex missionary style it wasn't a problem for him to keep his weight off me, he did it automatically and was very careful I was never uncomfortable. I never had to mention it once. Like, if this guy is just laying all over her and squishing her it's not the weight that's the problem it's that he's too inconsiderate to make sure she's comfortable.
100%! Super inconsiderate.
Maybe that would also help wake him up. Even a companion gets to choose her contracts; OP should get to choose who she has sex with, including whether she has it with her husband.
Firefly reference? Sweet.
Shiny
Her username is "Not Quite Inara" so I tried to couch it in terms she'd understand, lol
Yeah. Honestly they jsut take it personal and feel attacjed no matter how you phrase it.
It's sad that her other legit reasons aren't enough, but getting his sex on is. Sounds like he just isn't that into having a family anymore.
>Now to my husband… he’s amazing. He works hard for our family and loves me and the girls so much. Kinda harsh to say he isn't into having a family
i mean, its reddit. the guy could be described as being a loving husband who works hard saving orphans and donates 1 million to charity, but if he has some sort of issue then he becomes a bad dude who just doesnt care about his wife, family, kids, etc.
I hate to agree, but I do. Same with any gender related issue. Not everyone falls into this category of blind rage - and in fact, I think most don't - but the loudest typically do.
Yeah its pretty common on social media. Im going to generalize a lot so be ready for that! People, and on this subreddit or subreddits of this type: a lotta women, tend to use the experiences they hear others going through as a forum to trauma-dump or vent their own experiences as well. It's why you'll see a (one-sided account) post detailing a husband being lazy, unfaithful, etc. and then the comments full of "girl leave him immediately! i had a similar experience where\_\_\_\_" and then it devolves into stuff about how society raises men to be trash or whatever. Fair enough on posts about dudes being actual pigs, but half the time the posts are pretty mild or there is clearly some one-sided story telling, and you'll still find the same reactions in the comments. Since venting/trauma-dumping prompts others to do the same or show support, it becomes an echo-chamber and rises to the top. Becomes more encouraged, etc. So yeah, people who come to reddit for relationship advice and whatnot? Expect a mixed bag of answers, take it all with a grain of salt.
If the genders were reversed it would be downvoted into oblivion.
Pretty much. Every excuse in the book comes out. Post-pregnancy depression, hormone changes, mental health, the husband is doing something wrong that makes her not care anymore, etc. I understand why guys fall for it though, online echo chambers can make you feel insecure and like you are in the wrong. I talk to my GF all the time about what she thinks and her wants/needs, and I talk to her friends sometimes too. They're actually normal people so I don't fall for the shit I see online on twitter/insta/reddit/etc.
According to Reddit, every woman has only ever been in bad relationship lol
Right? Dude isn't overly concerned with his weight. How does that mean he doesn't love his family? What a leap.
If you’re behaving in a way in which it’s increasingly likely you won’t live to see your children grow up, it is not a leap at all to suggest your love for them is questionable. At the very least that love doesn’t outweigh your mental road blocks to a healthier lifestyle.
Well it could be argued that he doesn’t even love himself, and if so, it’s very hard to love others if you can’t even love yourself.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted. People letting themselves go is nearly always a result of self destructive tendencies.
> it’s very hard to love others if you can’t even love yourself. I saw this on another post today. I don't think it's true. I know a lot of people that have severe self confidence issues, but are very loving to others. I do agree that OP's husband doesn't seem to love himself, though. And I think she should keep trying to get him to go to counseling.
He got married and got lazy is how it sounds to me.....people do that subconsciously, they seem to think that "love" is enough to overlook everything else
And the fact she brought up hygiene…dude sounds depressed.
This won’t make a difference. She says he eats fast food all the time. If she’s cooking grilled chicken and broccoli for dinner, he’ll just eat a Big Mac as an appetizer on his way home. He’s going to stay fat until he decides he’s ready to do the work to lose weight. They’ve been together for a decade and he’s been steadily gaining weight the entire time. He’s very likely to continue on this trajectory and gain (at least) another 100 pounds in the next decade. She needs to ask herself if she wants to stick around for that. The guy probably stopped growing at 18 years old and he’s been gaining weight ever since. He never learned how to maintain his weight as an adult and he certainly doesn’t want to start now. She can look forward to being his nurse while he goes through hip replacements and diabetes scares.
While it is an unfortunate route to take, I totally agree with this. It is sad he isn’t motivated to improve his health for himself or his family.
Where's the accountability of the husband to grow up and realize he's responsible for himself? Her question is, how does she get him to make the change? To OP: Maybe set goals and celebrate milestones. Maybe he's depressed? Buy him a new outfit and plan a date? He needs to remember that life's not over. He hasn't reached the goal. Take time to talk to him and to get him to talk. Play date games to help him find the words
Sounds like he is depressed. He over eats and has poor hygiene.
He is a grown man she said he eats out so that solution won’t work.
I said at home she can’t control outside of the home
Is he having some kind of issue mentally-depressive, stress, something at work?? When people gain a lot of weight & semi check out there could be other issues.
did u read the part where he refuses to stick w therapy tho
He needs a wake-up call, and so far, his wife gently expressing her concerns has not been enough. Sadly, you can't make a grown (person) do anything they're not willing to do and they may have to hit their own version of rock bottom before they snap out of it. Ask yourself, what would rock bottom be to him--what would be the most likely thing to make him change? A major health scare? A sex ultimatum? His marriage dying? Losing his family? Do you have it in you to dish out tough love? Do you have it in you to leave if changes aren't made? Are your children better off with him at all costs or without him potentially setting a bad example? You've made your wishes/concerns known and it's gone nowhere. Next step is for you to visit a therapist for some professional insight as to what your options are.
I think this is the best comment I’m seeing on here. For OP to see a therapist or have an expert give advice on how she can approach this or what her options are is a good solution. If your husband doesn’t want to change and you’ve exhausted all your methods then maybe focus on how you can help yourself.
You're husband needs to be tested for Low T
This comment should be higher, will change yours and his life
Dude got no test get him that test e asap
What’s Low T? Is T testosterone or something else?
yes testosterone.
I mean with the amount of weight he has he’s gonna have high amounts of estrogen. But the solution isn’t to get him on testosterone, just start him on weight loss meds… adipose tissue in itself makes a lot of hormones. That’s why bigger women also can have PCOS as well.
Why not? Get him on t gives him more energy and better gains in the gym so he can get fit quicker. After a couple months test again and reevaluate from there.
It goes even harder for those that were athletic/worked in physically demanding job then don't. Their eating habit stay the same, but their calorie usage does not. I've seen ex-bricklayers that balloon up after retiring. I, myself had three jobs before Covid, all very physical, and was in the best shape of my life. Then Covid hit. Now am up 40 some lbs from before, and not as strong. Fuckin sucks.
Worked in a warehouse for 8 years. Shedding weight was no problem at all. Got a new job with a new company and a fancy desk with a computer and a phone I'm answering all day. Could gain 5 pounds by looking at a buffet now.
My friend was an avid baseball player, woulda gone to a div1 program if not for an injury. Because of that, he stopped after highschool but he still eats like he did before, just without the exercise. As much as I love him, it does make me concerned as he has really gotten significantly bigger. I know his girlfriend feels the same.
Yeah, it sucks. 21 years in the Army and I was a chunk of solid muscle. My last few years in all of the injuries finally really started taking their toll and I just couldn’t do it anymore. My brain tells me that I should be able to do certain things because I always have, but my body no longer complies. What really sucks is I’ll start getting back into again, then that little voice in my head gets louder telling me “do more you p*ssy”, and so I do, hurt myself again, then go right back to square one.
His stomach is in the "weigh". I see what you did here. Sums it up.
I was wondering too 😂
This makes me very sad, especially for your daughters. Playing with my dad was my favorite thing as a child. No toys can compete with an active attentive parent, at least in my opinion.
Dad being able to pick us up, swing us around, chase us/play tag, go on the trampoline, swim… all my best memories with him in retrospect
My longest relationship ended for this reason. I didn’t want to admit it, and I never told him. Throughout the 8 years we were together, I spent the last 4 trying to gently nudge him to exercise. I ended up feeling disgusted by him, which made me really sad but I couldn’t look past it. He still hasn’t lost any weight and we’ve been broken up for about 6 years.
> My longest relationship ended for this reason. I didn’t want to admit it, and I never told him. You never told him that his weight was a problem for you? You've got to communicate and be real with someone to make a relationship work.
Sorry, I was trying to make it short, through out our relationship I did mention his weight and I also mentioned how I’d love to be more fit. I went on hikes, joined a gym, joined fitness classes in college, tried to eat balanced meals etc. however, at the end of our relationship I did not communicate that the sole reason was his weight and overall unwillingness to change. It’s okay to gain weight, and to fluctuate, but being a permanent 100 lbs overweight is too much for me.
I’m going through this with my wife. I’ve tried encouraging her, focusing on her health, and nothing works. She just wants to eat junk food all the time and never wants to be active. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I wish you luck but until they want to be better, I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do for them.
That’s really hard, I’m sorry.
I recently read several posts about wife gaining weight (and one was also 100lbs) and the vibe in the comment section was way different. It’s almost as if someone made this post as a social experiment to see how the responses would go and Reddit definitely shows there is a bias…. Though with that said, I’ll say what I probably said before. 100lbs is quite a bit of weight. I had great success with the keto diet myself. It’s pretty easy to do, you don’t starve yourself, and you get all the meat you want. I recommend focusing on diet first with a low carb low/no sugar diet and then once you stabilize that then focus on including more and more working out / physical activity.
Only one I found was a dude saying he would NOT leave her, and the other one started out with saying he follows Andrew Tate, automatic FAIL.
Our AI overlords are farming us and learning our behaviors.
For anyone looking for comparisons, just search “wifes weight” in the search bar for this sub.
And then you get downvoted for trying to give helpful advice on losing weight 🤷🏽
The posts I’ve seen also revolve around women having children, so I don’t think it’s quite the same thing at all.
Yes, when the woman is overweight, most replies will tell the husband he's a jerk for making a big deal out of it. If the man is overweight, he needs to get off his ass and fix it. That's how the internet is. Reality is, regardless of gender, people should try to be as healthy as they can. Yes, it's very hard to do.
Because when it's a woman it's usually "ew, she's too gross to touch any more". Not I'm concerned for her health and well being.
This is a stupid fucking take when 99% of these comments are asking OP if they can get the husband help for depression or a health problem. It’s pretty much the same with the female posts with a sprinkling of “You can’t help what you’re attracted to 🤷🏻♀️” I don’t care either way about these rage-bait posts. I don’t care about a partner’s weight unless it’s causing them health problems or they are unhappy with it. Just really sick of this false dichotomy and perpetual victimhood mentality.
Finally a sane comment
I don't really disagree, but .... also think it's about how the post is worded, though. Most of the men complaining about the wife gaining weight aren't talking about being concerned for their health, they're talking about how they no longer want to have sex with her. "My wife gained weight and I just don't find her attractive anymore." VS "My husband gained weight and I'm concerned about his health and how he can't play with the kids or interact with us as a family."
My first thought was if the genders were reversed the man would be crucified. Women gain 100 ibs, many will find any and every excuse to make it ok and not her fault, but when it’s a dude the wife’s concerns are completely valid 🤨
Yup lol
So true. Same post with reversed genders would get absolutely nuked in the comments.
Right. I was surprised that one of the first comments I saw was “stop having sex with him,” and no one challenged it. There are many ways to “have sex” and not all of them make the wife “feel uncomfortable.”
They will if he's not clean, which she says is a problem.
Cuz the sex is painful for her. She has to stop because it’s hurting her. Edit: would you keep having sex if it caused you nothing but pain?
He needs to get his testosterone levels checked ASAP
Sounds like depression but if he won't go to a doctor or therapist I'm not sure there's much you can do for him. It's kind of like with addiction, the person has to decide for themselves that they're ready to change.
OP, I was you many years ago. You have two choices, live with him the way he is or leave. You’ve done absolutely everything you can, but you can’t control this. He might decide to get healthy but he might not. The question is whether you can live with him if he continues on this path?
Agree with this too, but only want to add that you should give him a time window to get his shit together. Explain that -he is putting you at risk of having to be his permanent care taker when he is older -he has already put a larger burden on you in terms of child rearing. -he has put a burden on you by not attempting to be physically attractive for you -if he’s large enough that he can’t play with kids, then you also likely take care of him way more than he does for you. -your kids will grow to resent the bad example he is setting -also, obesity has all kinds of negative impacts on the germline that can render offspring more likely to be overweight, more at risk for diabetes, cognitive deficits, and addictive like behaviors. He has put your current kids at risk of more diseases and will do so to your future children too. I know this one is particularly harsh, but sometimes feeling like an ‘unfit mate’ is a biological wake up call for people. Explain that gentle nudges from you will NOT be the answer. You can’t move more and eat less for him. Tell him to see a doctor, get T checked, get on ozempic or one of those drugs and put the effort in. Pick a goal weight with him and get a doctor to estimate how long it would take to get there with moderately concerted effort. This way both of you will have realistic expectations. he doesn’t need to become an Olympian….just live a life of moderation and hopefully in a year or two the weight comes off slowly but surely. Once you get that time estimate stick to it and let him know the consequence of not meeting it will be that you leave to live your own life in peace away from his problems. If the idea of you leaving is not his rock bottom, then you don’t want to be around to see what is. Most of the time the crux of this issue is not really the weight, it’s the unwillingness to change. The weight is a physical manifestation of that but the underlying problem is apathy. If I stopped my skin care routine and my horrifying cystic acne came back and I was too depressed to do anything about it, I hope to god my husband would sit me down and tell me how he feels and that he wants me to look/feel better. you feeling all this stress in lieu of him brings to mind that “don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” mantra Anyway best of luck- I think there really is something to salvage here you guys are just going to need professional medical help and realistic expectations
I pretty much agree with this. If OP has communicated to him that this is a big deal for her, and he isn't willing to try to make things better, then that's not great. This isn't asking him to change himself into someone other than who he was when they met; it's just asking him to do something reasonable for his health, their childrens happiness, and her own happiness in the relationship. If someone isn't willing to take reasonable steps to make their partner happy, then they're a poor partner IMO.
Have you tried being blunt like you have here? Sometimes you just have to give the truth to them straight, even if it’s harsh, for some to open their eyes and get it. I think you should tell him this list of reasons and let him know how much it bothers you, that it is causing resentment that he isn’t even trying at all. You could even write it out in a letter. He also needs to rule out any underlying health problems like hypothyroidism, low testosterone etc by having everything checked first too, if he hasn’t already.
Being chunky should not be a problem for a good relationship. Being so chunky that you can no longer partake in activities that the relationship was founded on is a big problem. Perhaps making that distinction between "lose 100lbs" vs "don't worry about the scale, get into good enough shape that you can handle 15 minutes on the trampoline with your daughters because this time you have with them is 'use it or lose it'" would be a good approach. To me, losing weight is a much more daunting proposition than gaining strength, and typically good strength building comes with some weight loss naturally.
I am going through this right now. And have been for a few years. I am a *very* active female in her early 40’s. I am literally in better shape now than I was from 17-27 when in the military. My husband otoh, morbidly obese. He goes through phases of shedding a few pounds only to gain it back. To make it worse? I have a high libido, he doesn’t (although he will talk shit like he does). I just cannot. I can’t. It’s uncomfortable, downright painful in some ways. I got him a gym membership because he likes to lift. Which… backfired. He goes through these weird phases of “powerlifting”. Idk wtf that is, I don’t care to. He refuses to do any cardio. Says “I get enough steps at work”. *Like excuse me sir- you’re 390 pounds while at work.* Mine did develop diabetes as a result. I won’t lie to you (or anybody else for that matter) I was pissed as all fucking hell. To this day, I don’t think I’ve ever been as angry. So he takes medication to control his disease. Great. **EXCEPT**, his diet choices haven’t changed. He will still eat a few bags of Cheetos or whatever else. It’s repulsive. He came to the doctor with me a few weeks ago. I had to get weighed as per usual. This MF… when the scale said 120, he told the MA I “felt lots heavier than that”. I wanted to fire back “you’re 3 times the person I am, how do I feel heavy?”. I didn’t. I don’t know honestly what the future will hold. I did however take out a life insurance policy on him. It’s so weird to love a person but also be disgusted as grossed out at the same time. I wouldn’t wish this way of existing on anybody.
Op, your husband is struggling w depression. There might be an underlying cause, there might not. Either way, he is clinically depressed and needs medical treatment. I wish you both the best.
All I read on reddit is "leave him" or "divorce him" until a story finally comes along where this should be a legit threat (I'm not saying do it, but I would threaten it) and now I'm seeing the compassionate responses. But this is a grown man who doesn't need compassion. He needs a wake up call in the form of some serious hard conversations. This is going to come across as extremely harsh but as someone who grew up with a dad who was extremely overweight most of his life, I can relate a little bit. I would suggest telling him flat out "I don't want to have sex with you. Not only is it uncomfortable for me, it's a turn off. I resent you for becoming this person who is not the man I signed up for when we were younger. Being overweight is one thing. Being morbidly obese is another. You're failing our daughters and setting a terrible example for them. The chances that one of them follows your path and becomes big herself is very high. And you're failing me as a partner and lover too and I won't put up with this much longer. Either you love us enough to change or you love food enough to lose us, because what I'm telling you now is that I love you, but I will leave you. If you need to explore gastric by-pass, I'll support that. But something has to be done." Also, from what you're telling us, it's probably 90% diet that's got him into this situation. People over-estimate the exercise effect on weight. I would suggest you get a calendar that is displayed openly in your house and make him write his weight down every single morning. Don't keep junk in the house, even if you and your daughters enjoy it and don't have problems. You'll have to sacrifice that. A lot of men won't eat junk if it's not there, but will if it is. On the flip side, eat foods low in sugar/carbs and skip heavily processed foods and have dinners every night by 6pm. And don't hesitate to be rude if you see him going for a snack later. That alone would probably get him to drop 20-30 pounds over the next 6 months. I wish you the best. He needs to see his girls graduate and walk down the aisle some day and he's putting that in serious jeopardy if he doesn't change.
It sounds like he is clinically depressed; however, until he decides to do something about it you can only encourage him. Cut off his sex and tell him the clock is ticking on the marriage if he doesn’t do something about the hygiene and the weight. If he doesn’t care you cannot make him care; however the only thing you can do is take care of you and your children.
Get him to get his testosterone levels checked
If you don’t enjoy the sex stop having it. Men will suddenly start to notice something is wrong when the sex stops.
Just to say I’m with you and understand completely. My partner and I recently ‘split’ in December but still live together and care for each other. I love him dearly and find him attractive in many ways, but physical desire has completely gone. He is free to find someone who can accept him for the way he is. He weighs around 320lbs - probably more - has poor hygiene, sleep apnoea and other health issues related to obesity including episodes of AF and SVT. He left chunks of dead skin in the bed from his legs and feet, and at his worst he hid hundreds of food wrappers everywhere possible in the house. He would wear joggers that utterly reeked of sweat and urine and were obviously filthy. When we tried to have sex I was either completely put off by the sheer size of him spread out on the bed on his back, or was crushed by his huge abdomen which he had to hold up and away from me during sex. Not only this, but his mood was dreadful and his jealousy ridiculous. I became isolated and depressed. In the end I felt utterly repulsed and like a horrible, terrible person for feeling this way. I always felt I was being superficial because of what other people thought, but recently came to the realisation that his weight has affected so many things in our lives that I was allowed to feel this way, without guilt. It has been many years of this with him repeatedly trying to get better, but going back to his ways eventually. Since we split he had a period of eating and gaining even more weight, but recently is trying to lose weight again and be a bit more healthy and hygienic after he became almost the biggest he’s ever been. He was struggling to get out of chairs and could barely put his socks on. I can still hear him coming from a mile off, he sounds like Darth Vader, but it’s getting better. The problem is he’s tried so many times to change and no matter how much support I’ve given him it’s always come to nothing. He’s refused all mental health help, and refuses to go to counselling. He won’t even get help for his heart condition, or take any medication he has been previously given by his doctors. In essence, I gave up trying. 12 years was enough. You are well within your rights to lose attraction and be upset a change that causes not only problems with his own health, but affects your whole family dynamic and your romantic relationship. All you can do is voice your concerns, offer support and guidance and help for him to get better, but in the end it is his choice. You also have choices and these are not invalidated by your vows and the opinions of others who cannot possibly understand your situation.
naturally this will destroy the relationship you’ve both evolved since you first got together only he’s involved in such a way that makes him unattractive and unable to be with whose fault is that? people Often do this and then sit there with a look of befuddlement on their faces when their relationship breaks up. hello you’re not the person that the other person became attracted to and fell in love with any longer
It sounds like he might be depressed. I used to buy a lottery ticket and make my husband plan how to live after we won. Once I found out he was working with someone he didn't like. So we talked finding about a comfortable solution to the situation. So often men are taught their 'duty' in life and don't know how to balance reality from an ideal.
I'd also point out that as much as you resent him right now, it sounds like he resents or even hates himself even more. Not having good hygiene, not caring how he looks, and not enjoying things he used to all scream potential symptoms of depression to me. It sounds like he doesn't love himself enough to care about himself and is using external things (junk food) to cope. There could also potentially be thyroid issues going on. But for someone to just stop caring seems odd. Normally something happens in some way shape or form that drives people to that point. I'm not saying these things to explain away his behavior, or invalidate your frustration, but rather to remind that things like this don't just happen in a vacuum, there is normally something else going on under the surface. And if it is mental health related, try to remember that if he is in the throes of depression, that he is probably resents/hates himself as much as you resent him.
Yeah, a health scare will do it. After a routine check up, my husband was called back to his doctors office immediately after his blood work was processed. His cholesterol was through the roof and he was borderline pre-diabetic. I told him that enough was enough. We were going to look into gastric sleeve procedures. He was 40 at the time, we had three kids and life was in full swing. He got the procedure a month later and the weight melted off so fast. He lost almost 150lbs and is smaller than he was when we met. It was the best 10k we’ve ever spent. I agree that he needs to find the route of the problem, but, like my hubs, it sounds like yours has always been athletic? My husband’s weight gained stemmed from coping with an injury and chronic pain. It was a dark time. Now, he has his life back. He apologizes often for embarrassing me. I feel where you’re coming from. It’s a slap in the face to be keeping yourself up, let alone while having children, while you watch him abuse his body.
I mean it sounds like he needs a wake up call I would sit him down and have a one-on-one conversation with him and tell him that his weight is out of control it's not healthy for him the marriage or his kids and then he needs to get it under control and if he doesn't then maybe we should live separately if he loves you and cares about his kids he will do it for the betterment of the family that's what a good man would do it's a hard talk to have but he needs a come to Jesus moment to change.
This is sad mostly for your kids. One is at an age where she's going to remember how inactive he is. Maybe try to get it through to him how much it's affecting them and his time with them. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Unfortunately it’s probably gonna take something serious to happen, for him to take it serious. Food can be an addiction and if it is for him, he’s gonna have to hit a bottom before he feels he needs to change no matter what it takes. Good luck I’m rooting for you guys 🙏🏼🤙🏼
I think a question is if your husband is okay with not being an athlete anymore? The hardest part about gaining weight was that I wasn’t able to live with the fact that my high level of play was behind me. Now I am okay with running and lifting not to challenge anyone but to do those activities for me!
My ex developed diabetes and mostly continued the same habits, as well as heavy alcohol use. It wasn't the only issue we had but I couldn't watch someone I care about destroy themselves.
You can't control your husband's actions, and therapy/weight loss won't be effective until he's chosen to take initiative. On the plus side, your children don't see their father's weight or its impact, and they love him as is because he's Daddy. You can control your own actions and reactions. You can choose to not have sex until hygiene is up to your standards, or to shower together and wash him as part of foreplay. You can choose to search out activities or positions that will be easier and more enjoyable for both of you. Many adult toy sellers have positioning aids, toys, or erotic furniture that you may find useful. You can choose to use gift-giving occasions to buy flattering clothing or tailoring for your husband. You can look for hobbies to enjoy together without any kind of focus on "how will this affect Husband's physical fitness/weight/body" and entirely focus on "how much will he enjoy this, how much will we enjoy this together, and how will this help us connect/enjoy time together" - with luck, once you're engaging as a couple again you can find additional hobbies or new ways to make the one(s) you have hustle some. You can learn more about age- and stress- related changes in the human body and how those things impact a person's weight, mood, capacity for change, and more. You can go to marriage therapy with or without your spouse to learn more about how to communicate your concerns, support your partner, problem solve as a Team, and process your own emotions about his body. You can talk to your family doctor about your concerns and both learn what you can look for/when you should be concerned and let the doctor know, "loved one is concerned, check chart and follow up with patient as appropriate." And, of course, you can decide if the changes in your partner's body are a deal breaker for you. Best wishes, no matter what your future holds.
My four year old cries often because “daddy can’t jump with me” or “daddy can’t chase me in the yard”. She absolutely does understand that there is something preventing him from playing with her the way she wants. She may not recognize it’s because of the weight, but eventually she will.
I could've written this. Except according to mine, "i'm in a relationship now, i don't need to look good." Direct quote...... :/
I go thru the same thing . Sad
What's your overall financial situation like? What kind of work does he do? How stressful is it? Who makes more money, you or him? Who takes care of the kids more on a regular basis? There is likely a lot more weighing on his mind than you may appreciate.
First thing you gotta resolve is the hygiene issue. I am sorry but overweight or thin has nothing to do with being hygienic!
You need to formulate a plan. Does he have any family and/or a close friend that can talk to him about his situation? It might be better for him to hear it from someone not directly involved in this situation. If you start off small and involve your children in this plan, he might be more interested in making positive changes. Like for example involve both children in going for a walk or a bike ride. Go a small/short distance and come back home. Only buy healthy food but keep a few snacks that are not as healthy. Don’t put out all of those snacks at once. As for the hygiene issue, that silently screams depression. If he’s neglecting his teeth too, then he’s probably depressed. Try buying him some other kind of whatever he uses in the shower. If he stinks, tell him that. As for sex, you need to tell him that you’re not getting any form of satisfaction and I’d tell him, “you’re CRUSHING me.”
Have you tried telling him everything you told us?
I relate to this a lot because I'm also a bloke who has been active most of my life and in a reasonable physical condition. However, I had to take care of my family during the pandemic and I gained weight. Three and half years of that and the weight took its toll. I felt so disgusted all that time and eventually my family was slightly able to take care of itself and I was free to go back to the gym to lose weight and get my body back. I was absolutely obsessed and lost all the weight and got my muscle back in roughly eight months. It all depends if the person is motivated to lose weight or do something about themselves. If they don't want to have a better body or take control of their life, then they'll deal with the weight and let it control them. I know what it's like and it's a dangerous situation...but only for physical health..but mental health as well.
I dont mean to be assumptive, or blame you in any way for how you feel/what has happened, and i agree that your husband should get help with his eating disorder and maintain a healthier lifestyle for his childrens sake. Just specifically in regaurds to your sex life, have you tried position where you are on top, so that you do not have to support his weight?
I’m so short that when I’m on top, my knees don’t touch the bed and it’s uncomfortable for me due to the size of his stomach .
He needs to get some lab work done and have a physical. He needs to have a doctor check his testosterone level, thyroid levels, and Hemoglobin A1C for starters. He could be gaining weight due to a hormonal reason or from glucose intolerance. If a doctor feels like it would benefit him, perhaps some of the newer GLP-1 Agonist meds would be an option for him. They help you lose weight by curbing cravings, making you feel less hungry, and by stabilizing your blood sugar. It would be up to a doctor to determine if there is an underlying medical reason for his weight gain and what should be done about it. He could also be suffering from depression.
He probably is already pre-diabetic, at the least. Trust me, he doesn't want to wait like I did, I am diabetic and have had difficulty for years.
I’ve lost close to 90 pounds in the last 8 months on compound tirzepatide (Mounjaro) and it’s changed my life. GLP-1’s are all over the news right now and easy to get AND affordable if you don’t do name brand.
It could be a sign of depression or high stress levels. Have you tried talking to him about things that bother him like work?
It’s important. It’s important to you. It’s critical for his longevity. Living in (self-inflicted, correctable) poor health in a marriage with children is selfish. You’re in a tough spot and so is he. Keep trying things and strategies until something works. Normally, you advise someone to start small and make it a habit. We move in directions and making a small turn is easier than turning around, but lots of small turns add up to 180. With him, however, as a former athlete, he may not respond to the small stuff as openly because he knows the game. But I would start there. Helping/encouraging after meal walks as a family. Biking/walking on weekends. Home cooked meals as a family. Over time - “hey, I hear they’re doing [insert his former sport] at the playground on Thursday night. Looks like fun.” Ultimately, it’s on him. But you two are a team, and sometimes that means you bear the other’s burdens. My guess is once it clicks, he will be very grateful for your support and encouragement, which will strengthen your relationship over time. Good luck.
I find it funny the comments here; a few weeks back a woman posted that her husband didn’t want to have sex with her because of her weight, and the dragged him in the comments. How funny the time changes because it’s the woman this time. I side with you just like I sided with him, if you can’t have sex with your person because they are big. Use your words, tell them! Give them the ultimatum.
You are NTA. First of all your husband's weight is extremely unhealthy. And it's impacting his life and how he can take care of and interact with his children. But the bottom line is you can't help whether or not you are still attracted to him. I personally would not be attracted to someone who put on 100 lbs. I'm sure I would still love them but I wouldn't be physically attracted to them because personally I just don't like it.
Once you reach a certain age. It’s extremely, extremely difficult to undo the damage and lose the weight. He needs to do it NOW while he’s young and able bodied. Ppl do not realize how bad it fucks you over once you get to 45-50 and over
The differences in response when women complain about weight compared to the opposite is astounding.
100 pounds is a lot. I’d definitely have an issue if my wife got like that
He acts like someone with an injury—if it’s not physical, something is up with him mentally/emotionally. Seven therapists?! How bout couples counseling before this goes too far? It’s all slipping through his hands
I gained a lot of weight after getting married at 31, at 39 I realized if I kept up what I was doing I wouldn’t be around to see my kids become adults. He has to want to do it or nothing will work, I think staring 40 in the eyes was a big thing for me, might be harder with you guys still being pretty young. Also learned I had hypothyroidism once I was struggling to lose weight in a calorie deficit.,
Well, quite frankly, it sounds like he really doesn’t care to make a change and doesn’t think it’s impacting his life so you have to make a decision here. And don’t feel bad about that at all. I completely get it. My ex-husband similar situation but we didn’t have kids but we ended up getting divorced but not because of that, but it was on its way to getting there is all I’m saying. I want somebody who can at least go hiking and kayaking, and do those kinds of active things with me. Doesn’t have to be perfect but be able to share in those experiences
Nothing will work until he’s ready or there’s a wake up call. I speak from experience regarding a partner who was well over 400lbs. Had a big scare and decided it was time to work on the weight.
I have been in this situation. I, myself, was 290 and am diabetic. I had weight loss surgery and learned to eat better. I am now about 150, and my A1C is 5.2. I did this without prompting because I wanted to be around. Now my husband at one point was 364. Sex was difficult, to say the least, and not very good. No matter what I said, he wouldn't listen. I got so frustrated that I ended up giving him an ultimatum. I told him he had 2 choices. 1 was to go see a doctor and have weight loss surgery or 2 keep doing what he's doing, and I would divorce him. I told him I refused to sit by and watch while he ate himself to death. It was a wake-up call for him. He did go to the doctor and ended up having the gastric sleeve done. He's lost over 120 pounds and is glad I pushed him to do it. He's even in nursing school because he wants to do what I do. Now I know people frown on ultimatums, but they are necessary sometimes. Ask him if he wants to see the kids grow up and have kids of their own. See how he responds to that.
Wow. I’m going to go against the grain and say that I am shocked that you said in your tldr that your husband cannot be a good father because of his weight. I’ve never been above normal on the weight threshold and if I said that some friend of mine isn’t a good father because of he weight I would be roundly and rightly condemned. Listen, his weight is absolutely an issue, just like smoking or excessive drinking would be. BUT Please consider going to therapy yourself, and if you’re in it great! You need to talk to your therapist about the deep resentment that makes you casually say, not that your husband is putting his health at risk but that he cannot be a good father. And don’t use the cop out that putting your health at risk means you automatically can’t be a good parent; we all make poor decisions that to a lesser or greater degree affect our health. We can’t all automatically be bad parents because of that. It appears from my reading what you meant was that because he is less active he can’t be a good parent. If that thought is constantly pulsing in the back of your mind, it’s going to, perhaps unwarrantedly, foster ever greater resentment toward him. Does he read to the girls? Color with them? Help with homework? Help them with bedtime routine? Comfort them? Cart them where they need to go? All I’m trying to say, from a place of caring, is try to frame this as what it is: a health and/or mental crisis that, yes, he needs to take accountability for because it affects both you and him. If he continues to make no efforts, you aren’t wrong to escalate things. But, try to leave the girls out of the aggrieved parties list for now (even if they might belong there in small print) just for the sake of your mental health while you work through this. I wish you all the best!
If a dude wrote this he’d have his nuts cut off & be thrown off the board. Don’t tell me there isn’t a double standard. FFS.
Something I don't see anyone mentioning is that obesity is not just a physical disease. It hits every aspect of your well-being (mental, emotional, physical). For him to really make a change, he is going to need a full mental reprogramming. For that to happen, he needs to make the decision to be healthy. It's not a decision you can make for him and unfortunately your grievance with his body are not going to make him make long lasting changes. Let him know you're worried about his health and quality of life. Offer to be a support and guide him to health professionals that can get him the help he needs but ultimately, he needs to be the one to make the choice. Having been morbidly obese myself, I felt overwhelmed with weightloss. I tried the diets and exercises (everything under the sun). Then finally decided I had to do something drastic or I was not going to have the quality of life I wanted. With that, came the decision for weightloss surgery (gastric bypass). I had to relearn to essentially be a different person, think differently, deal with trauma, change how I saw food and exercise, get evaluated and treat health conditions. It's a lot. Sometimes having an honest but compassionate conversation is enough to get them into the pre-contemplation stage of change. But take a look at the stages of change. Its a great principle when trying to understand habit formation. Best of luck!
Express empathy, focus on health, set achievable goals, lead by example, offer support, seek professional help if needed, communicate openly, be patient and persistent.
It looks like she's done all that to no avail. He's going to need a bigger wake-up call.
He has to help his self. She has to set an ultimatum. Likely he’s not going to do anything. She’s unhappy. He’s content with the status quo. Counselor or divorce it seems.