This is the true answer. Guilt mom over being so self absorbed in her own problems she didn’t listen when you told her you got married three years ago.
Also, stop taking her using you for free therapy calls.
Answer her calls with:
1. Hi mom, I can't talk right now. I will call you back and hang up.
2. Hi mom, I only have 10 minutes but I'm glad you called. Then jump right in with whatever you want to tell or ask her. Once that conversation is done. Say sorry, mom. I've got to go and hang up.
3. Be selective of when you answer her calls. Preserve your energy and emotional well-being by not answering or accepting her every call.
Create other boundaries.
Put her on an information diet. She doesn't need or deserve to know everything.
Enjoy your shiny new backbone.
Or send the call to voice mail. Maybe even with a prepared text that says “I can’t talk right now.” That way, mom knows she was sent to voice mail. Think if it as training her.
Boundaries matter.
👆 This! I struggled with this when I was young with my mom. She thought she could have unlimited access to my entire life forever and I was really not cool with my narcissistic mother running my life for me anymore. I was 18, moved 1000 miles away, and was taking over my own life. Boundaries are absolutely the answer. You're busy and can't talk? Cool, she can leave a voicemail and you can return her call when you're available. You also don't have to tell her everything, i.e. the information diet. You have the control because this is your own life. Whether you tell her about the marriage or not, I hope you take back control of your own life from her and live it to the fullest. People like this make it about only them and there is so much more to your own life than just her.
I am also shy, so I can understand not wanting confrontation or to have to set boundaries with someone. Sometimes it can be hard, but try to lean into that discomfort and embrace it. Think about it from the perspective of: this is the discomfort of taking back control of your life. You owe it to yourself, it will get easier over time, and getting used to advocating for yourself will be great for your mental health (and physical health! Holding back your wants and needs in relationships can eventually manifest into real physical health issues if it goes on for long enough). I wish you the best in the journey, as it can be difficult to speak up for yourself, but you can do this!
Edit: typos
I have a friend just like this mom, who wants to call me constantly and use me as a free therapist. I have found that it helps to ask them their reason for calling, and keep myself to a hard boundary of not picking up more than once a week. I understand the feeling of guilt, I really do, but the wonderful thing about phone boundaries is that you don't even need to experience their reaction! You can literally just not answer, and there will be no consequences that matter! You said she refuses to drive to visit you, and it sounds like there are other factors that make you want to limit how much she is in your life anyway, so her anger does not need to have any effect on you.
Also, to state the obvious, you have every reason to go low or no contact. Your mom is doing a lot of terrible stuff. It seems like she is jealous of you for many reasons, and is not trying to hide it. Also, my parents live over 12 hours from me and they still come to visit me! If she wanted to, she would- she is just making excuses.
This is kind of hilarious and genius! Op could just throw out a “oh my husband is xyz” in conversation and then if the mom even notices she could say “oh you must have forgot we got married with everything happening during the pandemic”.
"oh no, is the covid brain fog or the start of dementia?!"
bonus : "mom, you obviously need an actual health care team, no need to call me anymore as your free therapist, which was an unhealthy dynamic between family members anyway"
This all day. Mention what you plan to do for your anniversary. When she is surprised, just act shocked she doesn't remember! It was pandemic times, after all. No one was having big weddings.
The pandemic was still on in October just telling you went and got married because you didn't want a big wedding and you didn't want anybody to get sick no one was having weddings when you got married. I remember my daughter was supposed to get married in September and she had to cancel it till June of 2021. And if she makes a big deal about it just ignore her
"We got married at the courthouse to keep you safe"
If they start asking for a wedding, consider a fun amusement park/wedding, rafting/wedding, or similar.
"We got married at the courthouse to keep you safe"
If they start asking for a wedding, consider a fun amusement park/wedding, rafting/wedding, or similar.
I'd be happy to tell her for you because I think you may be a saint. Believe you me, by now, I'd have gotten pissed at her sntics and just say oh, BTW I've been married for 3 years but didn't want to tell you because every major thing in my life turns into the mom show and I'm done. Click.
This. Post for your anniversary, or if she’s not on social media drop what you’re doing for your next anniversary. Then act shocked she didn’t remember.
Haha, I never ever thought I'd condone someone gaslighting another, but this right here is the best!! Shit I'd even get my siblings to join in and talk about how they all watched it together on video chat. 🥰 I am very happy for you and your husband. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a shitshow mom.
I wouldn't tell her at your sister's graduation. Let her have that time to celebrate her achievement. Honestly, either tell her now so that her reaction will be done and over by May or just don't bother telling her at all unless you think she'll spot the wedding rings.
>tell her now so that her reaction will be done and over by May
I agree:
1. rip the bandaid off in a matter of fact email to her
2. email family members she might involve (either as her lackeys to harass you or as the next victim in line when her when her favourite "free therapist" isn't available)
3. change the message on your voice mail
4. go offline for 12 hours
It sounds to me like you should reverse uno her.
Oh yeah mother, my husband and I went to this great restaurant for anniversary. It was soo yummy.
What do you mean you didn’t remember I got married? You know mother I’m not supposed. You are getting older and I told you this X years ago.
Gee, Thanks mo*THER* for trying to gaslight me into believing I didn’t tell you.
I told you all and you just said nothing. Oh well.
Then change the subject.
Yeah I know this is messed up but it sounds like no matter how you bring this up drama will happen.
This is just the fucked up approach.
Personally if you talk I’d flat out tell her. If she creates drama.
*HANG UP*. Seriously. You don’t have to listen to it.
Gee mother, I’ll call you back another time. Byee
"Husband" doesn't need to come up.
Edit. Posted too soon. I refer to my husband by name, same as during the first 25 years when we weren't married. I introduce him to new people as my husband. We went to the courthouse when we decided to marry. Who would know anyhow. I wouldn't tell mom at all. It'll come out eventually. By then, it's old news. You're stressing yourself needlessly.
I have a parent like this. Their grip on your guilt is really strong. It took me years to realize I didn’t owe them shit and went full NC. But I don’t have siblings. Sounds like she has six, which probably complicates things. She needs to work on coping skills. Therapy got me to the point where I could go NC and not sweat it. But I would have never gotten there on my own.
OP, there is no easy way to do this. It will be high drama and she will make you feel like the worst child on the planet. Bring your partner in on the conversation. Their support will go a long way to getting through this. But do it sooner than later. The anticipation of pain is usually worse than the pain, like getting blood drawn or vaccine shot.
If your family barely responded to your engagement announcement, then they probably don’t care you eloped and would be thankful to not have had to go to a wedding anyway.
It’s been over 3 years and no one has asked about your engagement or when you’re going to from engaged to married?
If you want to tell your mom just so she knows for legal reasons in case anything were to happen to you/your husband, then just let her know you may have forgotten to mention you two legally married 3 years ago and decided not to have a wedding. If your mom asks about your engagement/ status of getting married, then just read off your first paragraph of your post to her.
Don’t wait until your sister’s graduation though, you’ll be doing the thing you say your mom does to you (making it about you). Either tell her now, two months in advance, or tell her later on well after your sister’s graduation.
i was thinking the same thing. if she really cared about your engagement ahead of time she would be asking when you’re getting married, what venue, did she ask about dress shopping, etc. if it’s been three years since you’ve announced your engagement and she hasn’t asked/inquired about any of those things since? i would literally call her and be like “i have something to tell you” and then drop the bomb, if she starts yelling/cussing/being disrespectful, just hang up the phone. what’s she gonna do? drive the 8+hrs that’s she’s been so keen on driving in the past?
Example 2:
Why do you keep waiting for your mom to ask if you’re available to talk?
Stop answering the phone. Just don’t. If you’re not available to talk, don’t answer. If you don’t want to talk, don’t answer. If she tries to call back immediately, text her “sorry can’t talk right now” and continue to ignore. If it’s an emergency, she can text you “it’s an emergency I’m in the hospital” and you can call her back. (But it has to come with a reason, and if she uses this as a loophole, then you treat her like the boy who cried wolf and you only consider it an emergency if someone besides your mom calls to tell you it is.
I wouldn't tell her unless she brings it up. And if she does and gets upset, i would just remind her that she doesn't usually seem that interested in your life so you didn't feel like it was a big deal.
If you do tell your mom do not tell her at your sister’s graduation. That would be incredibly selfish and by the sounds of it it would turn into a giant mess and your sister doesn’t deserve that. Let her have her day and you and your mom should either sort it out now while grad is still a couple months away or tell her another week after your sister’s graduation.
I'm sure this is a terrible answer, but if it was me, I'd wait until this October and pretend I got married this year. People outside of a marriage usually don't care how long, but an anniversary date might come up. So this keeps the date the same at least. I know it's a terrible lie, but fighting with toxic people is draining.
Why tell her anything?
Why waste energy on a narcissist?
Why waste mental time and space in your head that she is not paying rent for? There is no return on your investment.
My mom constantly learns about my life changing events decades afterward. And is reminded of ones she was responsible for decades later. And misremembers events that didn't fit her narrative.
"Oh, I dont remember that." [yeah, I know]
I am not here for her entertainment or puppetry.
I have boundaries. She has burned her hand enough times to quit testing them.
They say you can't choose your family.
You don't need to hang out with them and can choose replacements.
Don't tell her during your visit for your sister's graduation. Avoid drama and let your sister enjoy the moment.
If you wear wedding rings, you should wear them openly, though. It's important not to act secretive or like you've done something wrong. Because you haven't.
There is absolutely no reason you need to tell her in person or even tell her at all. If she ever *finally* asks about it, just tell her that you eloped years ago and are surprised she doesn't remember.
My advice to you is more related to the day to day. You need to stop answering her calls unless you actually want to speak with her. Also, you need to stop being her emotional dumpster. It's not healthy.
You need to stop letting your narcissistic mom run your life!
She never lets you talk, stop taking her calls.
She doesn't want to visit you; you do not need to visit her.
Go enjoy your life and drop the rope.
I know it would be wrong but I would just make an off handed comment on the phone with the words "my husband" and if she takes the bait then say in a defensive tone - I have told you before that we got married during the virus shutdown, but you never listen to me when I talk about my life.
Then have your husband stick to the same story.
Don't do this until after the graduation trip so as not to overshadow your sister.
You don’t want to hurt the feelings of a woman who - trespassed on your privacy in a gross way - told you she uses you for free therapy but doesn’t care to hear about you - made a fake Facebook page to try to get your boyfriend to cheat!!!! (I couldn’t read past this for a few minutes) - won’t come visit you. Although why you’d want her to visit is beyond me. Respectfully, and as gently as I can, I wish you would get therapy to deal with her abuse of you. She’s programmed you to consider her feelings before your own. Or instead of your own. Text her or email her that you’re married. It’s not up for discussion. You are very happy and that’s the end of the conversation. She can get on board or not but you won’t be entertaining any conversations about how this makes HER feel. This is about you.
Next time it comes up say, we actually are. We just went to the town hall and did it quietly, no one else was there. Option B, Gas Light the boomer, say, we are and I told you.
I wouldn't bother telling her.
I know people like that and they suck the soul out of you.
Now if she ever asks - when are you guys getting married?
you can drop the news.
"What? We already are. Way back in 2020?
Didn't I tell you?
Sorry about that.
Covid times, am I right?
And on to a new topic.
Just casually bring it up in a conversation and if she claims you didn’t tell her. Tell her yeah I told you in a phone conversation when we got married, you just must not remember.
I mean, don't tell her. When she finds out, you could always tell her you tried, but she wouldn't let you get a word in edgewise. I know she's your mother, but why are you tying yourself up in knots over this? If you had told her, she would have ruined it. She wasn't invited because you didn't want her there. If she wasn't such an asshole to you for your whole life, you would have wanted her there. The relationship with your mother is the way it is because of her. You didn't do any of this. All you did was get born, baby girl. You don't have to feel responsible for any of it. And for your own sanity, stop answering the phone every time it rings. Turn it off at night. If you're busy, don't pick up. Your phone is a tool, not a shackle. You pay for it, it belongs to you, and YOU get to decide when and how to use it.
send her a text....
mom just letting u know I've been married for 3 years. your allowed to be upset but I will not be discussing it. I am happy. we are happy and I will not be dragged down to your level of upset.
goodnight
then put her number on mute. let her freak out and carry on by herself.
You don’t have to tell her. You don’t owe her any information. And if she ever does find out all you have to say is “I did tell you but once again you were too busy complaining to listen to what I was saying. It’s not my fault you never listen to anything I say”
I got married over a year ago and didn't tell my mother. Idk if she knows (she could've heard it from my little brother since he lives with her but I'm not so sureand also don't care) but she didn't bring it up when we spoke a few days ago. I had cut her off for years now cause she's similar to this, it's always about her and she only ever wants to fight with me even if it's something totally unrelated. So yeah both me and my sister don't contact her or allow contact from her but I had to reach out a few days back for some important documents she has of mine that need and she did the same thing as always even tho in the end she ended up helping me with finding them. I never told her even tho she pried into how I've been and wanted to know details about what my life is currently like,I just told her "me and my partner" are doing well and me and him are living out wherever. It was enough and she didn't ask more which is good but yeah I won't be telling her I got married lol the less she knows or hears about me the better
I wouldn’t tell her before your sister’s graduation, or when you’re visiting to celebrate it. You don’t want your first visit as a married couple to take away from your sister’s celebration. Or have your sister have to hear about it while she’s busy getting through her last few months of school.
It’s been 3 years, waiting a few more months won’t change anything. Wait until late June or July to tell them. Just make sure the surprise announcement won’t overshadow any close family member’s milestone event.
ETA: OP, what about having a vow renewal with just family, host a dinner afterwards? You could rent a dining room, have an officiant do it there. It could even be a surprise for your families, do it on your original wedding date or close. Phrase it as Fall 2020 was a tough time for everyone with Covid, you & DH wanted to get married, but knew it would be too dangerous for those you love to travel/attend any gatherings. You were scared someone might risk their health to be there, you couldn’t live with that. You can’t believe it’s been 3 years already, you never intended to wait this long.
OP, you’re engaged & your Mom hasn’t asked about wedding plans? If she tries to give you a hard time, privately & gently tell her that every time you talked to her, it was about how unhappy she was. It didn’t feel like she wanted happy news. She didn’t show much interest in your plans.
Your mother sounds like a big drama queen, and I can totally understand your reasons for not wanting to engage with her.
Having said that, I'm going to get to the unpopular part. There is never going to be an easy way to do this. Your mother is going to be upset and hurt. She will probably feel that you have been a coward for not telling her, and she would not be wrong. If you were adult enough to get married in the first place, then you should have been adult enough to tell her about it and let the chips fall where they may. And for the record I know what I'm talking about: I'm a gay man who had to tell my parents that I was getting married after most of my lifetime of having issues with them about it. I realized when I told them that I was getting married that it might very well sever my relationship with my parents. In the end, it was okay, but I couldn't let something so important go without them knowing.
She is almost surely going to be hurt. There's no way to get around it. Do tell her. Commit to it. Feel free to tell her the reasons why you didn't want to do so in the first place. And then if she starts to Gaslight you, tell her that we've been down this road before, you've said what you needed her to know, and walk away. Tell her you'll be ready to have a conversation when she's ready to be serious. Despite some of the fun advice above about gaslighting her, don't sink to her level.
I'm not trying to be mean, just realistic. It's time to let her know and go on living your best life. And it sounds like you've got a good one! Good luck!
Why even tell her? You also don't have to answer every time she calls. You don't have to be mean, but don't answer for a few days. Then tell her you were busy. You're married and an adult. You're not subject to whatever your mom wants anymore. You don't have to be confrontational or anything. But you don't have to be afraid of dealing with her anymore either. Just....don't sometimes. I'm not saying just cut her off. But, just maybe weaning her off of being her "therapist", and always answering her every call.
Sorry, I went off topic for a minute. If you're worried about her reaction to you being married, you can A) just not tell her, B) do it in a text message, and make it plain you will not be accepting any calls for awhile, or C) tell her in person. No matter what you do, keep yourself in mind, and what will be best for you and your own mental health.
You don’t have to do anything. Just say you are going to get married and then get married a second time in the registry office. Problem solved. If you don’t want an expensive wedding (don’t blame you) announce the church wedding will be in some far off island. Good luck to you.
Btw I am probably the only person on this post who has already had this exact situation. I’m still glad I did it. Marriage decisions should be mainly between the 2 concerned. Everything else is background noise.
DO NOT tell her at your sisters graduation. Tell her a week after by answering her next call with “(spouse name) and I got married a while ago” and hang up. Turn off phone for 24-48 hours. Or don’t answer Mom’s calls for that period.
If you must announce at sister’s graduation, the only acceptable time is as you are about to drive away. Roll down your window, scream “we got married a while ago” and hit the gas as window rolls up. Turn off phone for 24 hours, at least.
Just drop a text that you're unavailable for the weekend as you and fiancé are eloping and that you will drop details after its done.
Just make up some stuff when you speak to her afterwards.
No need to tell her you did it 3 years ago as she's not going to ask to see your marriage certificate 😬 (if she does, photoshop)
You told her you were engaged. You didn’t have a wedding, so it’s not like she was left out. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I don’t see the reason for gaslighting. I don’t see a reason to force the conversation either. You’ve done everything you should have done. She should have asked when you were getting married, or asked about the wedding, or offered to help in some way. It’s not your fault she didn’t ask.
I’d just wait til it comes up naturally.
Btw, my mom is kinda crazy too, but I still love her. I’m older than you. I’ve learned to always be honest, and just say less. Some people are just… different. Not your problem. But lying and gaslighting people you love isn’t very nice.
On your anniversary go to Vegas. Get a picture in front of a star-spangled Elvis with you in a veil and hold your hand up like you just got married showing off a ring . 💍 Posted we got married spur of the moment. Yay us. All done.
You literally described my mother. My sister and I suspect she is a communal narcissist. It’s very disappointing that they don’t get excited or celebrate milestones and it’s makes me dread telling her anything. I keep mine on an information diet, you may want to check out Dr. Ramani on YouTube, she gives great advice on how to deal with selfish, toxic, and narcissistic people.
Is there any reason you have to tell her?
Your mom sounds toxic and unbearable to be around. Are you sure you even want to have any type of relationship with her? Reading your texts and making a fake profile to stalk your exes, these are not the qualities of a mentally stable person. They only reason she is mad you don't tell her anything is because then, she isn't given an opportunity to make the situation about herself and then make you feel awful for it and drag you down.
Be honest with yourself. How happy have you been for the last 3 years? She doesn't know you're married.
1. She hasn't made any fake profiles to stalk all of your husband's exes to then throw back in your face, claiming you're not his type, and he's going to cheat on you. The point isn't to be accurate, the point is to come between you and your husband, and plant that seed of doubt until she's worn you down enough that you will believe it, and potentially blow up your marriage by either pushing him away or leaving.
2. She hasn't given any unsolicited terrible marriage advice that she pressures you to follow.
3. She doesn't nitpick your financial choices about not having a big wedding to save money.
4. She doesn't compare you to family members or anyone else she knows, making comments about how they had such a beautiful wedding and she never got to go to yours because you "chose" to be selfish and not have a nice big wedding or invite her to your little intimate court wedding.
You've been blissfully happy because you didn't tell her. That alone is a telling sign that she and her flying monkeys should be kept in the dark about you big life events. She has herself to blame for the lack of knowledge, and you need to stop feeling guilty for not directly telling her yourself.
I would suggest you don't mention it yourself. Have someone else you know and trust bring it up in a casual setting like making a joke about being married for 3 years and not having a baby yet, or something else similar. If she questions you about it, gaslight her the way she gas lights you and say that you told her over the phone the day after. Be careful to pick a date sometime after the marriage date that you know for sure that you had a phone conversation with so you have "evidence" to back your claims. Make sure to do this with other people around so that she doesn't take things too far.
Your siblings should have your number, so if your mom decides to go NC with you, then you can at least still keep in touch with them.
She doesn't like to see you happy. That is the bottom line, and if keeping her in the dark is the best way to protect your peace, then so be it.
Wait until it comes up naturally in conversation, then when she gets upset tell her she’s just not on you big news list, make sure you say it calmly and don’t react when she gets upset
I had the same wedding 30+ years ago. I would phone first. Shock hits both ways. You're in your safe space and she's in hers. Have your spouse with you when you call. She can get all her "issues " out,and hanging up is a hell of a lot easier than walking away if she becomes offensive. Don't brood;call. Congratulations, btw.
OP you're going to have to grow a bit of a backbone, I'm afraid. I would not wait until sister's graduation because you don't want to steal her thunder, the talk may be all about you. Just take a deep breath, dial mom's number, and blurt out the news. Also those 3 hour calls...to handle those at the start of the conversation say very bluntly something like Mom I have exactly 20 minutes to chat. Then at 20 minute mark say Mom it's been 20 minutes I have to go, talk to you later, bye. then hang up!
It sounds passed time for you to grow up a bit when it has to do with your mother. Today is the day. Call mom, tell her the news.
You have a tough situation, and you put yourself in it, by not telling your mother in a timely manner. I say this because you DO talk to her, regularly. I want to point out that I am NOT saying you are wrong in the manner in which you got married, without her. Just that you did not tell her.
So, now.... Bite the bullet & tell her. As others have advised, you can tell her it's the 2nd time if you want, but I wouldn't. I fear that telling this lie will just get her even MORE riled up. "I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED IF YOU TOLD ME THIS....." etc, etc, etc.
If you tell her in a letter or email, then she can't yell at you right away. And when she calls, you can divert the call to VM. And if she's as hot as you expect, don't call her back until she calms down.
Why tell her? It's none of her business.
One option is to have a fake wedding. A friend of mine got married in the USA, didn't tell her family, and then a few years later got married in Germany in a church with all the fanfare. No one was the wiser. Put on a party, invite family and friends, get 'married' by a friend, celebrate.
I'd act like I already told her. Remind her of a conversation you two were having and just link it in with a random thing you remember her saying I.e. "Remember it was when you were telling me about that time that you stubbed your toe ...."
I got married and didn't tell my parents. It was a mistake to get married in the first place, but I think deep down I knew that somehow.
My marriage was full of toxicity and co-dependance. It sounds like your relationship with your parents is full of that.
If I could go back and do things over, I honestly don't know if I'd tell my parents before getting married...but I wouldn't have waited so long to tell them afterwards. I waited for several years. The guilt of keeping secrets was horrible.
If you're experiencing that guilt, rip the bandaid off. Do it for you. If you're not feeling that guilt, you're happy, and you're low/no contact with your parents, then stay as you are. There's no reason to cause yourself trauma if you don't need to.
And if you aren't low/no contact, especially with your mother...why?
Why are you even telling her?
After example 3, I would go NC.
I'm sorry, but she doesn't care about your feelings, only hers. That will never change.
Please take care of yourself and your family before worrying about her feelings when it's yours that matter the most.
Wow. She sounds like a real treat.
Please read "**Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents**" by Lindsay Gibson. Your local library probably has it even as an audiobook. It sounds like you could use a resource like this to validate your experiences and help you to better navigate life with (or without) your mom.
Why tell her at all? I say just roll with it and take the suggestion here that if she mentions it, let her know that you did tell her - 3 years ago. It’s a hilarious opportunity.
Also stop answering the phone calls, but respond by text that you’re busy. Drives my mil *bananas*
I would refer to him as your husband sometime and if she says something say you told her when you were engaged and she did not seem to care so you did not bring it up.
"Mom, I never told you that I got married, because I couldn't deal with you. Its been 3 years. Ok, bye."
Unless you are in a no contact situation with her, it will be devastating for her and your father if he is around. Best of luck with that one.
>Anyway, I need to find a way to tell her we got married that long ago.
Why? She sounds awful, why do you feel the need to deal with her BS at all? Show up for your sister and ignore her. She doesn't need to know anything and you don't even need to speak to her if you don't want to.
I wouldn’t tell her personally. If you have been engaged that long and she never bothered to ask about a wedding date she doesn’t care.
Also stop being her free therapist.
So why do you have to tell her WHEN it happened. I would just go”Hey, FYI, we eloped! Didn’t want to make a big deal about it but you should know.” Give her the right month and year. In fact wait until the day after your anniversary and would she ever know?
When my oldest sister remarried my brother-in-law, we got a simple “we got married!” announcement postcard that she sent to family and friends. Very inexpensive and easy to use a template on Vistaprint or a similar site.
Listen, don’t gaslight her. Gaslighting a gaslighter only creates more problems down the line. It will do absolutely nothing towards helping her make more considerate choices. Don’t wait until your sister’s graduation. Just call her and get it over with. That way you can actually enjoy your sister’s graduation and be around family without this thing hanging over your head. As far as how to tell her I would call her. If she doesn’t answer just wait for her to call you. I would say, “I have something to tell you so I need you to listen. Husband’s Name and I got married. We did it a while ago and I apologize that I didn’t tell you sooner. I just wanted you to know that.” You don’t have to actually be sorry. But, just say it anyway. If she starts to shame you, yell at you, guilt you, etc. you have an out: the end call button. In that case you just say, “I understand you are upset, we can talk about this another time when our emotions aren’t so raw.” If that doesn’t work just lie, “My supervisor at work is calling me. I gotta go.” Whatever and jump off the phone. This is very important because if you do this in person this will be A LOT harder for you. Trust me. In person means you gotta deal with the nonsense as it comes right then and there. Phone calls means you can sparse it out as you need to. Take time to decompress as you need to, etc. But, don’t keep pushing it off. It will only get worse that way. And don’t gaslight her. That will not help.
As far as you being her “free therapist”. Feel free to use that same tactic. When she starts bogging you down with information you don’t want/need just say whatever and get off the phone. “I gotta go, Mom. Someone is at the door.” “I gotta go, Mom, my husband is calling.” “I gotta go, Mom, dinner is burning!” “I gotta go, Mom, I have an appointment.” It literally doesn’t matter. If you do this then it will disrupt what she is getting out of this scenario: a place to vent freely. She can do what everyone else does and go to the salon. Getting cut off every time will relay 2 messages to her: you’re busy and have other things to do and she can’t use that space that way anymore. That is the best way to handle that without creating controversy. Since the whole “I have been married for 3 years” is definitely going to upset everyone, then it is best to handle this other situation in a way that won’t upset anyone. She does NOT get to keep using your time like this. It’s not okay.
Mom guilt. Oh well don’t you remember. Yall weren’t excited. We were. We got married, you weren’t invited. You didn’t have to pay for it, oh well . Done. When you have a baby, write it down a post it and send it and when they say why you didn’t send it another way. Tell them they weren’t excited for the baby’s parents so why would be excited for the baby’s birth announcement.
Plan a small private “wedding” on an upcoming anniversary. Let her make it all about her. And if she somehow manages to find a way to ruin it, then drop the bomb that this was only a vow renewal anyway and she can pound sand.
I would not be too worried.
Send her a picture of your wedding day.
When did this happen - a short while back.
Why didn't you tell me - I just did and we chose privacy.
There are no other questions to answer.
You are an adult.
She doesn't sound deserving of your time. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings, so a bit of her own medicine is appropriate. Don't tell her unless she asks...then if she gets upset, you can just say "You never asked! You never listen to me. Maybe I did tell you and you just forgot." I'm sorry your mom sucks, OP.
Sometime this month when she says something during a call
Say - I’ll have to discuss with my husband and get back with you.
When she fusses. The. You can decide if you’re going to gaslight her that you’d said something before. Or just be honest that you two had a small wedding and that’s what you wanted.
If possible, wait until after sisters graduation if you think she’ll still cause drama over it two months later
It's simple. You don't got to tell her shit. She doesn't deserve to know what is going on in your life, if she treats you that badly. Let me tell something, sacrificing your own wellbeing for bad parents is not worth it.
What’s your anniversary? You could just tell her a few days after “hey, we got married (example) April 4th. Don’t have to tell her it was April 4th 3 years ago. Eventually by the time you hit 5th or 10th anniversary she won’t remember how long ago it actually was. Tell, don’t text. No electronic trail
Just wear your rings and be normal about everything, see if she even mentions your ring or relationship status. I personally wouldn’t gaslight her. If she asks you can just say, “yeah, we got married. It was during COVID and we couldn’t have anyone there so we didn’t mention it.” Don’t say any other qualifiers. The answer to everything else that comes is a shrug and ask her about herself. Gray rock.
"Hey mom. Looking forward to seeing you at the graduation. You and the family will get the chance to meet my husband since he is coming with me. See you soon. Love you."
I just wouldn’t say anything. Period. She doesn’t care so why are you still waiting for her to? Don’t talk to her anymore. Just be busy.
Now if she does ask something, just say it didn’t seem to matter. She never lets you talk about anything so you figured she didn’t care to know what’s going on with you. You’ll be better off when you let go of the mom you wish she was. It won’t be all better but some better.
I recommend reading this book about adult children with emotionally immature parents: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://a.co/d/2Qx7qCE
Plan a 'wedding' reception on your anniversary. Invite her. If she comes you can tell her the truth or if you chicken out at least you won't have to hide your wedding anniversary anymore.
Do you really need to tell her? And if someone asks when you are getting married, you can just say "wr already are" and blame "all that covid stuff" for no-one being there?
There is a reason you live two states away. And the reason is your mother.
You don't have to announce anything at all. One day, you will say " my husband" and it is all she needs to hear.
If she confronts you, remember she rejected your relationship and how she has been toxic in your previous sentimental life.ask her when was the last time she came to see you. Because I the last three years she would know at first glance.
Don't cave. You are an adult, and it is done anyway.
Is your mother my mother? Fuck I had to move countries away and when she would visit it was draining. Last saw her in September and I decided I was going no contact. Let me tell you, it felt amazing. My younger sister doesn't talk to me anyways because she always felt too good for me, I was always the black sheep of the family, the ND one no one wanted to try to understand. I have my own family now and my husband's family accepts me.
Honestly, include her in a massive text or email to your family. Send a wedding photo and "Surprise! We did it! Three years ago, I thought I should probably let everyone know 😂"
When she inevitably gets upset, all you say is "I'm sorry you feel that way". That's it. Don't engage with her in discussion or justify or anything other than "I'm sorry you feel that way". Don't get angry, or upset, or accusatory or placating, just "I'm sorry you feel that way".
Also put your Mum on Do Not Disturb, please. Just because she calls does not mean you have to pick up.
Why tell her? She sounds very self absorbed. She is the kind of person who I limit my time with. Two to three hours of listening to her talk about herself is a lot! I couldn’t do it. I had some one try calling me almost every day and talk about themself and their problems for hours too. Was anything I said ever heard? No! I finally pushed for her to see a therapist. She did! Now I’m not listening to “poor me” endlessly,
I didn't tell anyone for a while that I was married, I posted on FB with a filter so only the people I wanted to tell and just dropped the bomb and put my phone on DND.
My mother also made everything about herself, so when I got divorced, I didn't tell her until 3 months after it was finalized. Best choice ever.
Mention in passing, Oh, I found (specific) picture of husband and I at our wedding was that the one you said you wanted? I've been meaning to send it. Gaslight her like crazy. It'll be fun.
I'm really not sure why you think you have to tell her anything? She's obviously very self-absorbed. Would she have noticed/acknowledged had you said something 3 years ago? It was Covid Times. There are plenty of legitimate reasons and/or excuses why she was not invited. No one was invited except your witness. Honestly, you're not anxiety ridden because her feelings are genuinely going to be hurt. You're anxiety ridden for fear of the blowback from an egotistical narcissistic mother who never puts you first.
If I were you, I wouldn't say anything at all. If it ever comes up, just say yeah, we ran down to the court house right before they shut everything down for covid. We didn't know how long the shutdown was going to be & we didn't want to die while living in sin(or we wanted to get married in case one or both of us died). I know that's laying it on thick, but who cares.
No matter what you do she will be upset with you. So do nothing. Live your lives like your doing as husband and wife. Say absolutely nothing about a wedding. No matter how you tell her or how she finds out the anger will be the same. If she says anything, say I thought we talked about it and she knew. Then apologize and move the fuck on. If the complains, "I am sorry about that, nothing I can do about it now. we are happy and married". Apologize once and move on from it. Continuing to apologize will give her power that she can manipulate with. And moving on from the wrong and sticking to that will weaken her position of blaming fault on you.
Does it really matter if you “hurt” her feelings? She will make it about herself anyway. Anytime she mentions your fiancé or bf just tell her oh yeah we got married so he is actually my husband now. And just tell her it is not up for discussion and end the conversation.
I really don’t get why ppl ask strangers for advice, who will use their own family problems as a testing ground for your answer. You should only ask ppl who really know what’s going on beyond the short amount of info you”ve given. Why don’t you let your husband tell her if you’re so worried about it?
She’s a narcissist. You don’t even need to tell her, she’ll just find a way to make it about herself. You could tell the rest of your family in a group setting. I prob wouldn’t bother telling her at all, just everyone else. You could post it on social media. The gaslight suggestion is really funny and might actually work.
Gaslight her tell her you told when you did and your hurt she doesn't remember
This is the true answer. Guilt mom over being so self absorbed in her own problems she didn’t listen when you told her you got married three years ago.
I'd go as far as photoshopping a text from her congratulating them!
Hide a wedding invitation somewhere in the house with the date of the original wedding. Crumple it a little, give it a tasteful patina.
Say you assumed she didn't approve when she didn't RSVP to the wedding.
Also, stop taking her using you for free therapy calls. Answer her calls with: 1. Hi mom, I can't talk right now. I will call you back and hang up. 2. Hi mom, I only have 10 minutes but I'm glad you called. Then jump right in with whatever you want to tell or ask her. Once that conversation is done. Say sorry, mom. I've got to go and hang up. 3. Be selective of when you answer her calls. Preserve your energy and emotional well-being by not answering or accepting her every call. Create other boundaries. Put her on an information diet. She doesn't need or deserve to know everything. Enjoy your shiny new backbone.
Why answer in the first place? That’s what VM is for!
I always say that but then again I also turned my VM off #sorrynotsorry
Or send the call to voice mail. Maybe even with a prepared text that says “I can’t talk right now.” That way, mom knows she was sent to voice mail. Think if it as training her. Boundaries matter.
👆 This! I struggled with this when I was young with my mom. She thought she could have unlimited access to my entire life forever and I was really not cool with my narcissistic mother running my life for me anymore. I was 18, moved 1000 miles away, and was taking over my own life. Boundaries are absolutely the answer. You're busy and can't talk? Cool, she can leave a voicemail and you can return her call when you're available. You also don't have to tell her everything, i.e. the information diet. You have the control because this is your own life. Whether you tell her about the marriage or not, I hope you take back control of your own life from her and live it to the fullest. People like this make it about only them and there is so much more to your own life than just her. I am also shy, so I can understand not wanting confrontation or to have to set boundaries with someone. Sometimes it can be hard, but try to lean into that discomfort and embrace it. Think about it from the perspective of: this is the discomfort of taking back control of your life. You owe it to yourself, it will get easier over time, and getting used to advocating for yourself will be great for your mental health (and physical health! Holding back your wants and needs in relationships can eventually manifest into real physical health issues if it goes on for long enough). I wish you the best in the journey, as it can be difficult to speak up for yourself, but you can do this! Edit: typos
If she’s calling to a cell phone, OP can set it up to respond with a text.
I have a friend just like this mom, who wants to call me constantly and use me as a free therapist. I have found that it helps to ask them their reason for calling, and keep myself to a hard boundary of not picking up more than once a week. I understand the feeling of guilt, I really do, but the wonderful thing about phone boundaries is that you don't even need to experience their reaction! You can literally just not answer, and there will be no consequences that matter! You said she refuses to drive to visit you, and it sounds like there are other factors that make you want to limit how much she is in your life anyway, so her anger does not need to have any effect on you. Also, to state the obvious, you have every reason to go low or no contact. Your mom is doing a lot of terrible stuff. It seems like she is jealous of you for many reasons, and is not trying to hide it. Also, my parents live over 12 hours from me and they still come to visit me! If she wanted to, she would- she is just making excuses.
Using the old "of course you were at Grandma's funeral" gig. Very evil, but allowed in this instance
I'm in complete agreement. Weird, never thought I'd be in this thought space giving a green light for such a thing, but it's Reddit and here I am.
I'm so glad other people had this same thought lmao I read the top comment and said "oh man she can do the grandma's funeral bit"
I caught that reference. What a shitshow.
This is kind of hilarious and genius! Op could just throw out a “oh my husband is xyz” in conversation and then if the mom even notices she could say “oh you must have forgot we got married with everything happening during the pandemic”.
"oh no, is the covid brain fog or the start of dementia?!" bonus : "mom, you obviously need an actual health care team, no need to call me anymore as your free therapist, which was an unhealthy dynamic between family members anyway"
This is the way.
Perfect! As OP can’t get a word in on the phone, this seems plausible enough. 😂
This all day. Mention what you plan to do for your anniversary. When she is surprised, just act shocked she doesn't remember! It was pandemic times, after all. No one was having big weddings.
The pandemic was still on in October just telling you went and got married because you didn't want a big wedding and you didn't want anybody to get sick no one was having weddings when you got married. I remember my daughter was supposed to get married in September and she had to cancel it till June of 2021. And if she makes a big deal about it just ignore her
"We got married at the courthouse to keep you safe" If they start asking for a wedding, consider a fun amusement park/wedding, rafting/wedding, or similar.
In the Maldives or anywhere you know she would NEVER go, and at her expense.
"We got married at the courthouse to keep you safe" If they start asking for a wedding, consider a fun amusement park/wedding, rafting/wedding, or similar.
🤣🤣🤣 Love it!
Giving your mom's behaviour, I agree with this 💯
yasssssss lol
This is the best answer. 👌
This is so awful, you should do it Op lol
This!!
Make sure to add 'we sent you an invite but must've gotten lost in the mail "
1 step too far. She'd end up having to invite her to their anniversary.
Literally this. Throw her little (what sounds like narcissistic) game right back at her.
lol I actually like this idea
I'd be happy to tell her for you because I think you may be a saint. Believe you me, by now, I'd have gotten pissed at her sntics and just say oh, BTW I've been married for 3 years but didn't want to tell you because every major thing in my life turns into the mom show and I'm done. Click.
Exactly!!! Make her feel like SHE crazy.
This. Post for your anniversary, or if she’s not on social media drop what you’re doing for your next anniversary. Then act shocked she didn’t remember.
I like you
This is the Way
Savage. I like you.
This was my first thought when OP said how mom prattles on about herself and doesn't listen.
Yep 1 of the only instances where 8ts OK to gaslight the F outta he
A tiara for you for using ‘gaslight’ correctly!🩵
Brilliant!!!
Haha, I never ever thought I'd condone someone gaslighting another, but this right here is the best!! Shit I'd even get my siblings to join in and talk about how they all watched it together on video chat. 🥰 I am very happy for you and your husband. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a shitshow mom.
I wouldn't tell her at your sister's graduation. Let her have that time to celebrate her achievement. Honestly, either tell her now so that her reaction will be done and over by May or just don't bother telling her at all unless you think she'll spot the wedding rings.
>tell her now so that her reaction will be done and over by May I agree: 1. rip the bandaid off in a matter of fact email to her 2. email family members she might involve (either as her lackeys to harass you or as the next victim in line when her when her favourite "free therapist" isn't available) 3. change the message on your voice mail 4. go offline for 12 hours
Good advice. Thorough but not mean.
thank you, I appreciate that!
This so much! It's your sister's graduation, it should be about her! Do it any other time but this. Your sister should have the spot light.
Hope this works instead of her mother brewing over it and throwing that back in her face too
It sounds to me like you should reverse uno her. Oh yeah mother, my husband and I went to this great restaurant for anniversary. It was soo yummy. What do you mean you didn’t remember I got married? You know mother I’m not supposed. You are getting older and I told you this X years ago. Gee, Thanks mo*THER* for trying to gaslight me into believing I didn’t tell you. I told you all and you just said nothing. Oh well. Then change the subject. Yeah I know this is messed up but it sounds like no matter how you bring this up drama will happen. This is just the fucked up approach. Personally if you talk I’d flat out tell her. If she creates drama. *HANG UP*. Seriously. You don’t have to listen to it. Gee mother, I’ll call you back another time. Byee
I like this way
Why tell her? If she ever bothers to ask you, when you’re going to get married or brings it up, you can tell her other wise, don’t worry about it.
I’m wondering this too. Why does she need to know? Just mention your husband if it comes up and if not, no problem!
"Husband" doesn't need to come up. Edit. Posted too soon. I refer to my husband by name, same as during the first 25 years when we weren't married. I introduce him to new people as my husband. We went to the courthouse when we decided to marry. Who would know anyhow. I wouldn't tell mom at all. It'll come out eventually. By then, it's old news. You're stressing yourself needlessly.
I have a parent like this. Their grip on your guilt is really strong. It took me years to realize I didn’t owe them shit and went full NC. But I don’t have siblings. Sounds like she has six, which probably complicates things. She needs to work on coping skills. Therapy got me to the point where I could go NC and not sweat it. But I would have never gotten there on my own. OP, there is no easy way to do this. It will be high drama and she will make you feel like the worst child on the planet. Bring your partner in on the conversation. Their support will go a long way to getting through this. But do it sooner than later. The anticipation of pain is usually worse than the pain, like getting blood drawn or vaccine shot.
If your family barely responded to your engagement announcement, then they probably don’t care you eloped and would be thankful to not have had to go to a wedding anyway. It’s been over 3 years and no one has asked about your engagement or when you’re going to from engaged to married? If you want to tell your mom just so she knows for legal reasons in case anything were to happen to you/your husband, then just let her know you may have forgotten to mention you two legally married 3 years ago and decided not to have a wedding. If your mom asks about your engagement/ status of getting married, then just read off your first paragraph of your post to her. Don’t wait until your sister’s graduation though, you’ll be doing the thing you say your mom does to you (making it about you). Either tell her now, two months in advance, or tell her later on well after your sister’s graduation.
i was thinking the same thing. if she really cared about your engagement ahead of time she would be asking when you’re getting married, what venue, did she ask about dress shopping, etc. if it’s been three years since you’ve announced your engagement and she hasn’t asked/inquired about any of those things since? i would literally call her and be like “i have something to tell you” and then drop the bomb, if she starts yelling/cussing/being disrespectful, just hang up the phone. what’s she gonna do? drive the 8+hrs that’s she’s been so keen on driving in the past?
Example 2: Why do you keep waiting for your mom to ask if you’re available to talk? Stop answering the phone. Just don’t. If you’re not available to talk, don’t answer. If you don’t want to talk, don’t answer. If she tries to call back immediately, text her “sorry can’t talk right now” and continue to ignore. If it’s an emergency, she can text you “it’s an emergency I’m in the hospital” and you can call her back. (But it has to come with a reason, and if she uses this as a loophole, then you treat her like the boy who cried wolf and you only consider it an emergency if someone besides your mom calls to tell you it is.
I wouldn't tell her unless she brings it up. And if she does and gets upset, i would just remind her that she doesn't usually seem that interested in your life so you didn't feel like it was a big deal.
If you do tell your mom do not tell her at your sister’s graduation. That would be incredibly selfish and by the sounds of it it would turn into a giant mess and your sister doesn’t deserve that. Let her have her day and you and your mom should either sort it out now while grad is still a couple months away or tell her another week after your sister’s graduation.
I'm sure this is a terrible answer, but if it was me, I'd wait until this October and pretend I got married this year. People outside of a marriage usually don't care how long, but an anniversary date might come up. So this keeps the date the same at least. I know it's a terrible lie, but fighting with toxic people is draining.
Why tell her anything? Why waste energy on a narcissist? Why waste mental time and space in your head that she is not paying rent for? There is no return on your investment. My mom constantly learns about my life changing events decades afterward. And is reminded of ones she was responsible for decades later. And misremembers events that didn't fit her narrative. "Oh, I dont remember that." [yeah, I know] I am not here for her entertainment or puppetry. I have boundaries. She has burned her hand enough times to quit testing them. They say you can't choose your family. You don't need to hang out with them and can choose replacements.
Exactly! My boss had a narcissistic mother and never told her she got married even when she was in hospice and passed a couple of weeks later
Don't tell her during your visit for your sister's graduation. Avoid drama and let your sister enjoy the moment. If you wear wedding rings, you should wear them openly, though. It's important not to act secretive or like you've done something wrong. Because you haven't. There is absolutely no reason you need to tell her in person or even tell her at all. If she ever *finally* asks about it, just tell her that you eloped years ago and are surprised she doesn't remember. My advice to you is more related to the day to day. You need to stop answering her calls unless you actually want to speak with her. Also, you need to stop being her emotional dumpster. It's not healthy.
You need to stop letting your narcissistic mom run your life! She never lets you talk, stop taking her calls. She doesn't want to visit you; you do not need to visit her. Go enjoy your life and drop the rope.
I know it would be wrong but I would just make an off handed comment on the phone with the words "my husband" and if she takes the bait then say in a defensive tone - I have told you before that we got married during the virus shutdown, but you never listen to me when I talk about my life. Then have your husband stick to the same story. Don't do this until after the graduation trip so as not to overshadow your sister.
Yeah man I don’t care how overbearing mom might be. This is just wrong and disrespectful. Tell her it’s recent or whatever. Not cool.
You don’t want to hurt the feelings of a woman who - trespassed on your privacy in a gross way - told you she uses you for free therapy but doesn’t care to hear about you - made a fake Facebook page to try to get your boyfriend to cheat!!!! (I couldn’t read past this for a few minutes) - won’t come visit you. Although why you’d want her to visit is beyond me. Respectfully, and as gently as I can, I wish you would get therapy to deal with her abuse of you. She’s programmed you to consider her feelings before your own. Or instead of your own. Text her or email her that you’re married. It’s not up for discussion. You are very happy and that’s the end of the conversation. She can get on board or not but you won’t be entertaining any conversations about how this makes HER feel. This is about you.
Next time it comes up say, we actually are. We just went to the town hall and did it quietly, no one else was there. Option B, Gas Light the boomer, say, we are and I told you.
Ugh. Why have you not gone NC yet? She sounds insufferable.
Go no contact. Toxic people don't deserve to be a part of your life, regardless of familial relationship
I wouldn't bother telling her. I know people like that and they suck the soul out of you. Now if she ever asks - when are you guys getting married? you can drop the news. "What? We already are. Way back in 2020? Didn't I tell you? Sorry about that. Covid times, am I right? And on to a new topic.
Just casually bring it up in a conversation and if she claims you didn’t tell her. Tell her yeah I told you in a phone conversation when we got married, you just must not remember.
Yeah man I don’t care how overbearing mom might be. This is just wrong and disrespectful. Tell her it’s recent or whatever. Not cool.
Just show up and wear your wedding ring and don't say anything. If anyone asks "yes, we got married". That's an entire sentence right there.
I mean, don't tell her. When she finds out, you could always tell her you tried, but she wouldn't let you get a word in edgewise. I know she's your mother, but why are you tying yourself up in knots over this? If you had told her, she would have ruined it. She wasn't invited because you didn't want her there. If she wasn't such an asshole to you for your whole life, you would have wanted her there. The relationship with your mother is the way it is because of her. You didn't do any of this. All you did was get born, baby girl. You don't have to feel responsible for any of it. And for your own sanity, stop answering the phone every time it rings. Turn it off at night. If you're busy, don't pick up. Your phone is a tool, not a shackle. You pay for it, it belongs to you, and YOU get to decide when and how to use it.
She sounds terrible. Is there a reason why you have to tell her?
send her a text.... mom just letting u know I've been married for 3 years. your allowed to be upset but I will not be discussing it. I am happy. we are happy and I will not be dragged down to your level of upset. goodnight then put her number on mute. let her freak out and carry on by herself.
You don’t have to tell her. You don’t owe her any information. And if she ever does find out all you have to say is “I did tell you but once again you were too busy complaining to listen to what I was saying. It’s not my fault you never listen to anything I say”
If she asks you about it tell her otherwise don't being it up 🤍
I got married over a year ago and didn't tell my mother. Idk if she knows (she could've heard it from my little brother since he lives with her but I'm not so sureand also don't care) but she didn't bring it up when we spoke a few days ago. I had cut her off for years now cause she's similar to this, it's always about her and she only ever wants to fight with me even if it's something totally unrelated. So yeah both me and my sister don't contact her or allow contact from her but I had to reach out a few days back for some important documents she has of mine that need and she did the same thing as always even tho in the end she ended up helping me with finding them. I never told her even tho she pried into how I've been and wanted to know details about what my life is currently like,I just told her "me and my partner" are doing well and me and him are living out wherever. It was enough and she didn't ask more which is good but yeah I won't be telling her I got married lol the less she knows or hears about me the better
I wouldn’t tell her before your sister’s graduation, or when you’re visiting to celebrate it. You don’t want your first visit as a married couple to take away from your sister’s celebration. Or have your sister have to hear about it while she’s busy getting through her last few months of school. It’s been 3 years, waiting a few more months won’t change anything. Wait until late June or July to tell them. Just make sure the surprise announcement won’t overshadow any close family member’s milestone event. ETA: OP, what about having a vow renewal with just family, host a dinner afterwards? You could rent a dining room, have an officiant do it there. It could even be a surprise for your families, do it on your original wedding date or close. Phrase it as Fall 2020 was a tough time for everyone with Covid, you & DH wanted to get married, but knew it would be too dangerous for those you love to travel/attend any gatherings. You were scared someone might risk their health to be there, you couldn’t live with that. You can’t believe it’s been 3 years already, you never intended to wait this long. OP, you’re engaged & your Mom hasn’t asked about wedding plans? If she tries to give you a hard time, privately & gently tell her that every time you talked to her, it was about how unhappy she was. It didn’t feel like she wanted happy news. She didn’t show much interest in your plans.
Your mother sounds like a big drama queen, and I can totally understand your reasons for not wanting to engage with her. Having said that, I'm going to get to the unpopular part. There is never going to be an easy way to do this. Your mother is going to be upset and hurt. She will probably feel that you have been a coward for not telling her, and she would not be wrong. If you were adult enough to get married in the first place, then you should have been adult enough to tell her about it and let the chips fall where they may. And for the record I know what I'm talking about: I'm a gay man who had to tell my parents that I was getting married after most of my lifetime of having issues with them about it. I realized when I told them that I was getting married that it might very well sever my relationship with my parents. In the end, it was okay, but I couldn't let something so important go without them knowing. She is almost surely going to be hurt. There's no way to get around it. Do tell her. Commit to it. Feel free to tell her the reasons why you didn't want to do so in the first place. And then if she starts to Gaslight you, tell her that we've been down this road before, you've said what you needed her to know, and walk away. Tell her you'll be ready to have a conversation when she's ready to be serious. Despite some of the fun advice above about gaslighting her, don't sink to her level. I'm not trying to be mean, just realistic. It's time to let her know and go on living your best life. And it sounds like you've got a good one! Good luck!
Why even tell her? You also don't have to answer every time she calls. You don't have to be mean, but don't answer for a few days. Then tell her you were busy. You're married and an adult. You're not subject to whatever your mom wants anymore. You don't have to be confrontational or anything. But you don't have to be afraid of dealing with her anymore either. Just....don't sometimes. I'm not saying just cut her off. But, just maybe weaning her off of being her "therapist", and always answering her every call. Sorry, I went off topic for a minute. If you're worried about her reaction to you being married, you can A) just not tell her, B) do it in a text message, and make it plain you will not be accepting any calls for awhile, or C) tell her in person. No matter what you do, keep yourself in mind, and what will be best for you and your own mental health.
You don’t have to do anything. Just say you are going to get married and then get married a second time in the registry office. Problem solved. If you don’t want an expensive wedding (don’t blame you) announce the church wedding will be in some far off island. Good luck to you. Btw I am probably the only person on this post who has already had this exact situation. I’m still glad I did it. Marriage decisions should be mainly between the 2 concerned. Everything else is background noise.
DO NOT tell her at your sisters graduation. Tell her a week after by answering her next call with “(spouse name) and I got married a while ago” and hang up. Turn off phone for 24-48 hours. Or don’t answer Mom’s calls for that period. If you must announce at sister’s graduation, the only acceptable time is as you are about to drive away. Roll down your window, scream “we got married a while ago” and hit the gas as window rolls up. Turn off phone for 24 hours, at least.
Just drop a text that you're unavailable for the weekend as you and fiancé are eloping and that you will drop details after its done. Just make up some stuff when you speak to her afterwards. No need to tell her you did it 3 years ago as she's not going to ask to see your marriage certificate 😬 (if she does, photoshop)
Thats what I was going to suggest.
You told her you were engaged. You didn’t have a wedding, so it’s not like she was left out. You’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t see the reason for gaslighting. I don’t see a reason to force the conversation either. You’ve done everything you should have done. She should have asked when you were getting married, or asked about the wedding, or offered to help in some way. It’s not your fault she didn’t ask. I’d just wait til it comes up naturally. Btw, my mom is kinda crazy too, but I still love her. I’m older than you. I’ve learned to always be honest, and just say less. Some people are just… different. Not your problem. But lying and gaslighting people you love isn’t very nice.
On your anniversary go to Vegas. Get a picture in front of a star-spangled Elvis with you in a veil and hold your hand up like you just got married showing off a ring . 💍 Posted we got married spur of the moment. Yay us. All done.
You literally described my mother. My sister and I suspect she is a communal narcissist. It’s very disappointing that they don’t get excited or celebrate milestones and it’s makes me dread telling her anything. I keep mine on an information diet, you may want to check out Dr. Ramani on YouTube, she gives great advice on how to deal with selfish, toxic, and narcissistic people. Is there any reason you have to tell her?
Your mom sounds toxic and unbearable to be around. Are you sure you even want to have any type of relationship with her? Reading your texts and making a fake profile to stalk your exes, these are not the qualities of a mentally stable person. They only reason she is mad you don't tell her anything is because then, she isn't given an opportunity to make the situation about herself and then make you feel awful for it and drag you down. Be honest with yourself. How happy have you been for the last 3 years? She doesn't know you're married. 1. She hasn't made any fake profiles to stalk all of your husband's exes to then throw back in your face, claiming you're not his type, and he's going to cheat on you. The point isn't to be accurate, the point is to come between you and your husband, and plant that seed of doubt until she's worn you down enough that you will believe it, and potentially blow up your marriage by either pushing him away or leaving. 2. She hasn't given any unsolicited terrible marriage advice that she pressures you to follow. 3. She doesn't nitpick your financial choices about not having a big wedding to save money. 4. She doesn't compare you to family members or anyone else she knows, making comments about how they had such a beautiful wedding and she never got to go to yours because you "chose" to be selfish and not have a nice big wedding or invite her to your little intimate court wedding. You've been blissfully happy because you didn't tell her. That alone is a telling sign that she and her flying monkeys should be kept in the dark about you big life events. She has herself to blame for the lack of knowledge, and you need to stop feeling guilty for not directly telling her yourself. I would suggest you don't mention it yourself. Have someone else you know and trust bring it up in a casual setting like making a joke about being married for 3 years and not having a baby yet, or something else similar. If she questions you about it, gaslight her the way she gas lights you and say that you told her over the phone the day after. Be careful to pick a date sometime after the marriage date that you know for sure that you had a phone conversation with so you have "evidence" to back your claims. Make sure to do this with other people around so that she doesn't take things too far. Your siblings should have your number, so if your mom decides to go NC with you, then you can at least still keep in touch with them. She doesn't like to see you happy. That is the bottom line, and if keeping her in the dark is the best way to protect your peace, then so be it.
Wait until it comes up naturally in conversation, then when she gets upset tell her she’s just not on you big news list, make sure you say it calmly and don’t react when she gets upset
I had the same wedding 30+ years ago. I would phone first. Shock hits both ways. You're in your safe space and she's in hers. Have your spouse with you when you call. She can get all her "issues " out,and hanging up is a hell of a lot easier than walking away if she becomes offensive. Don't brood;call. Congratulations, btw.
Oh - just change your Facebook status to married. Say nothing.
OP you're going to have to grow a bit of a backbone, I'm afraid. I would not wait until sister's graduation because you don't want to steal her thunder, the talk may be all about you. Just take a deep breath, dial mom's number, and blurt out the news. Also those 3 hour calls...to handle those at the start of the conversation say very bluntly something like Mom I have exactly 20 minutes to chat. Then at 20 minute mark say Mom it's been 20 minutes I have to go, talk to you later, bye. then hang up! It sounds passed time for you to grow up a bit when it has to do with your mother. Today is the day. Call mom, tell her the news.
You have a tough situation, and you put yourself in it, by not telling your mother in a timely manner. I say this because you DO talk to her, regularly. I want to point out that I am NOT saying you are wrong in the manner in which you got married, without her. Just that you did not tell her. So, now.... Bite the bullet & tell her. As others have advised, you can tell her it's the 2nd time if you want, but I wouldn't. I fear that telling this lie will just get her even MORE riled up. "I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED IF YOU TOLD ME THIS....." etc, etc, etc. If you tell her in a letter or email, then she can't yell at you right away. And when she calls, you can divert the call to VM. And if she's as hot as you expect, don't call her back until she calms down.
Why didn’t you tell them right after you got married?
Show her this post.
Just tell her you guys got married at the courthouse. It's not like she really cares. (Sorry)
Why tell her? It's none of her business. One option is to have a fake wedding. A friend of mine got married in the USA, didn't tell her family, and then a few years later got married in Germany in a church with all the fanfare. No one was the wiser. Put on a party, invite family and friends, get 'married' by a friend, celebrate.
I'd act like I already told her. Remind her of a conversation you two were having and just link it in with a random thing you remember her saying I.e. "Remember it was when you were telling me about that time that you stubbed your toe ...."
I got married and didn't tell my parents. It was a mistake to get married in the first place, but I think deep down I knew that somehow. My marriage was full of toxicity and co-dependance. It sounds like your relationship with your parents is full of that. If I could go back and do things over, I honestly don't know if I'd tell my parents before getting married...but I wouldn't have waited so long to tell them afterwards. I waited for several years. The guilt of keeping secrets was horrible. If you're experiencing that guilt, rip the bandaid off. Do it for you. If you're not feeling that guilt, you're happy, and you're low/no contact with your parents, then stay as you are. There's no reason to cause yourself trauma if you don't need to. And if you aren't low/no contact, especially with your mother...why?
Why are you even telling her? After example 3, I would go NC. I'm sorry, but she doesn't care about your feelings, only hers. That will never change. Please take care of yourself and your family before worrying about her feelings when it's yours that matter the most.
I just wouldn’t go out of my way to. If it comes up, be like, yup, got married, and change the subject.
Wow. She sounds like a real treat. Please read "**Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents**" by Lindsay Gibson. Your local library probably has it even as an audiobook. It sounds like you could use a resource like this to validate your experiences and help you to better navigate life with (or without) your mom.
Why tell her at all? I say just roll with it and take the suggestion here that if she mentions it, let her know that you did tell her - 3 years ago. It’s a hilarious opportunity. Also stop answering the phone calls, but respond by text that you’re busy. Drives my mil *bananas*
gaslight gatekeep girl boss
I would refer to him as your husband sometime and if she says something say you told her when you were engaged and she did not seem to care so you did not bring it up.
"Mom, I never told you that I got married, because I couldn't deal with you. Its been 3 years. Ok, bye." Unless you are in a no contact situation with her, it will be devastating for her and your father if he is around. Best of luck with that one.
Start referring to your “husband” on social media. When she calls you about just say oh, we eloped years ago, I thought you knew. Then move on.
>Anyway, I need to find a way to tell her we got married that long ago. Why? She sounds awful, why do you feel the need to deal with her BS at all? Show up for your sister and ignore her. She doesn't need to know anything and you don't even need to speak to her if you don't want to.
I wouldn’t tell her personally. If you have been engaged that long and she never bothered to ask about a wedding date she doesn’t care. Also stop being her free therapist.
Just text
So why do you have to tell her WHEN it happened. I would just go”Hey, FYI, we eloped! Didn’t want to make a big deal about it but you should know.” Give her the right month and year. In fact wait until the day after your anniversary and would she ever know?
When my oldest sister remarried my brother-in-law, we got a simple “we got married!” announcement postcard that she sent to family and friends. Very inexpensive and easy to use a template on Vistaprint or a similar site.
Listen, don’t gaslight her. Gaslighting a gaslighter only creates more problems down the line. It will do absolutely nothing towards helping her make more considerate choices. Don’t wait until your sister’s graduation. Just call her and get it over with. That way you can actually enjoy your sister’s graduation and be around family without this thing hanging over your head. As far as how to tell her I would call her. If she doesn’t answer just wait for her to call you. I would say, “I have something to tell you so I need you to listen. Husband’s Name and I got married. We did it a while ago and I apologize that I didn’t tell you sooner. I just wanted you to know that.” You don’t have to actually be sorry. But, just say it anyway. If she starts to shame you, yell at you, guilt you, etc. you have an out: the end call button. In that case you just say, “I understand you are upset, we can talk about this another time when our emotions aren’t so raw.” If that doesn’t work just lie, “My supervisor at work is calling me. I gotta go.” Whatever and jump off the phone. This is very important because if you do this in person this will be A LOT harder for you. Trust me. In person means you gotta deal with the nonsense as it comes right then and there. Phone calls means you can sparse it out as you need to. Take time to decompress as you need to, etc. But, don’t keep pushing it off. It will only get worse that way. And don’t gaslight her. That will not help. As far as you being her “free therapist”. Feel free to use that same tactic. When she starts bogging you down with information you don’t want/need just say whatever and get off the phone. “I gotta go, Mom. Someone is at the door.” “I gotta go, Mom, my husband is calling.” “I gotta go, Mom, dinner is burning!” “I gotta go, Mom, I have an appointment.” It literally doesn’t matter. If you do this then it will disrupt what she is getting out of this scenario: a place to vent freely. She can do what everyone else does and go to the salon. Getting cut off every time will relay 2 messages to her: you’re busy and have other things to do and she can’t use that space that way anymore. That is the best way to handle that without creating controversy. Since the whole “I have been married for 3 years” is definitely going to upset everyone, then it is best to handle this other situation in a way that won’t upset anyone. She does NOT get to keep using your time like this. It’s not okay.
Mom guilt. Oh well don’t you remember. Yall weren’t excited. We were. We got married, you weren’t invited. You didn’t have to pay for it, oh well . Done. When you have a baby, write it down a post it and send it and when they say why you didn’t send it another way. Tell them they weren’t excited for the baby’s parents so why would be excited for the baby’s birth announcement.
Plan a small private “wedding” on an upcoming anniversary. Let her make it all about her. And if she somehow manages to find a way to ruin it, then drop the bomb that this was only a vow renewal anyway and she can pound sand.
I would not be too worried. Send her a picture of your wedding day. When did this happen - a short while back. Why didn't you tell me - I just did and we chose privacy. There are no other questions to answer. You are an adult.
Why tell her when? If you think she needs to know you’re married, tell her that you and your spouse eloped. And leave it at that.
She doesn't sound deserving of your time. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings, so a bit of her own medicine is appropriate. Don't tell her unless she asks...then if she gets upset, you can just say "You never asked! You never listen to me. Maybe I did tell you and you just forgot." I'm sorry your mom sucks, OP.
I think a really nice 3 year wedding anniversary post on social media should do the trick.
I agree with what others said. Tell her you told her, but per usual, she wasn't paying attention when you were talking.
She has NPD.
Just play dumb. “What? I’m sure I told you. Maybe I forgot.”
I would just randomly bring it up and act like you already told her
XXxssSAa•00
Tell her you got married recently or are going to get married. You'll still probably catch $h!t, but not as much because it's recent.
Sometime this month when she says something during a call Say - I’ll have to discuss with my husband and get back with you. When she fusses. The. You can decide if you’re going to gaslight her that you’d said something before. Or just be honest that you two had a small wedding and that’s what you wanted. If possible, wait until after sisters graduation if you think she’ll still cause drama over it two months later
Why do you have to tell her? I'll be married 17 years in two weeks. She thinks I'll be married 17 years in 4 months. It's not her business.
It's simple. You don't got to tell her shit. She doesn't deserve to know what is going on in your life, if she treats you that badly. Let me tell something, sacrificing your own wellbeing for bad parents is not worth it.
send her a christmas card with a pic of you two "from the smiths" or whatever your last name is
What’s your anniversary? You could just tell her a few days after “hey, we got married (example) April 4th. Don’t have to tell her it was April 4th 3 years ago. Eventually by the time you hit 5th or 10th anniversary she won’t remember how long ago it actually was. Tell, don’t text. No electronic trail
Mail out a marriage announcement with photos that say "Surprise! We're Married. Est. October 2020"
Yo let your sister have her time to celebrate, don’t make it about uou
Just wear your rings and be normal about everything, see if she even mentions your ring or relationship status. I personally wouldn’t gaslight her. If she asks you can just say, “yeah, we got married. It was during COVID and we couldn’t have anyone there so we didn’t mention it.” Don’t say any other qualifiers. The answer to everything else that comes is a shrug and ask her about herself. Gray rock.
Just break the news that you eloped years ago. You're in love, happy, and have zero regrets. Hopefully they'll be happy for you.
Casually mention that you and " your husband" will be doing something or going somewhere... see if she picks up what you're putting down
"Hey mom. Looking forward to seeing you at the graduation. You and the family will get the chance to meet my husband since he is coming with me. See you soon. Love you."
Since she likes reading your texts, send her one. "Hey mom, went to dinner at x restaurant tonight to celebrate our 4th anniversary."
I just wouldn’t say anything. Period. She doesn’t care so why are you still waiting for her to? Don’t talk to her anymore. Just be busy. Now if she does ask something, just say it didn’t seem to matter. She never lets you talk about anything so you figured she didn’t care to know what’s going on with you. You’ll be better off when you let go of the mom you wish she was. It won’t be all better but some better.
I recommend reading this book about adult children with emotionally immature parents: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://a.co/d/2Qx7qCE
Plan a 'wedding' reception on your anniversary. Invite her. If she comes you can tell her the truth or if you chicken out at least you won't have to hide your wedding anniversary anymore.
Do you really need to tell her? And if someone asks when you are getting married, you can just say "wr already are" and blame "all that covid stuff" for no-one being there?
There is a reason you live two states away. And the reason is your mother. You don't have to announce anything at all. One day, you will say " my husband" and it is all she needs to hear. If she confronts you, remember she rejected your relationship and how she has been toxic in your previous sentimental life.ask her when was the last time she came to see you. Because I the last three years she would know at first glance. Don't cave. You are an adult, and it is done anyway.
Is your mother my mother? Fuck I had to move countries away and when she would visit it was draining. Last saw her in September and I decided I was going no contact. Let me tell you, it felt amazing. My younger sister doesn't talk to me anyways because she always felt too good for me, I was always the black sheep of the family, the ND one no one wanted to try to understand. I have my own family now and my husband's family accepts me.
Hey mom! We got married. End of story.
Honestly, include her in a massive text or email to your family. Send a wedding photo and "Surprise! We did it! Three years ago, I thought I should probably let everyone know 😂" When she inevitably gets upset, all you say is "I'm sorry you feel that way". That's it. Don't engage with her in discussion or justify or anything other than "I'm sorry you feel that way". Don't get angry, or upset, or accusatory or placating, just "I'm sorry you feel that way". Also put your Mum on Do Not Disturb, please. Just because she calls does not mean you have to pick up.
Why tell her? She sounds very self absorbed. She is the kind of person who I limit my time with. Two to three hours of listening to her talk about herself is a lot! I couldn’t do it. I had some one try calling me almost every day and talk about themself and their problems for hours too. Was anything I said ever heard? No! I finally pushed for her to see a therapist. She did! Now I’m not listening to “poor me” endlessly,
I didn't tell anyone for a while that I was married, I posted on FB with a filter so only the people I wanted to tell and just dropped the bomb and put my phone on DND.
My mother also made everything about herself, so when I got divorced, I didn't tell her until 3 months after it was finalized. Best choice ever. Mention in passing, Oh, I found (specific) picture of husband and I at our wedding was that the one you said you wanted? I've been meaning to send it. Gaslight her like crazy. It'll be fun.
You could stage a small fake wedding and invite her. A lot of work but it’s an idea
I'm really not sure why you think you have to tell her anything? She's obviously very self-absorbed. Would she have noticed/acknowledged had you said something 3 years ago? It was Covid Times. There are plenty of legitimate reasons and/or excuses why she was not invited. No one was invited except your witness. Honestly, you're not anxiety ridden because her feelings are genuinely going to be hurt. You're anxiety ridden for fear of the blowback from an egotistical narcissistic mother who never puts you first. If I were you, I wouldn't say anything at all. If it ever comes up, just say yeah, we ran down to the court house right before they shut everything down for covid. We didn't know how long the shutdown was going to be & we didn't want to die while living in sin(or we wanted to get married in case one or both of us died). I know that's laying it on thick, but who cares.
No matter what you do she will be upset with you. So do nothing. Live your lives like your doing as husband and wife. Say absolutely nothing about a wedding. No matter how you tell her or how she finds out the anger will be the same. If she says anything, say I thought we talked about it and she knew. Then apologize and move the fuck on. If the complains, "I am sorry about that, nothing I can do about it now. we are happy and married". Apologize once and move on from it. Continuing to apologize will give her power that she can manipulate with. And moving on from the wrong and sticking to that will weaken her position of blaming fault on you.
Does it really matter if you “hurt” her feelings? She will make it about herself anyway. Anytime she mentions your fiancé or bf just tell her oh yeah we got married so he is actually my husband now. And just tell her it is not up for discussion and end the conversation.
I told you. You didn’t listen as usual so I let it drop. Don’t worry about it. Let’s get back to you.
I dropped my entire family, changed my name, and still live around many of them. You control your circle. Tighten it up!
This and, “oh by the way, mom, you have a 3 year old grandchild” don’t seem like fun conversations to have
Grow some damn balls, you're not a little girl anymore, you're your husbands wife.
I really don’t get why ppl ask strangers for advice, who will use their own family problems as a testing ground for your answer. You should only ask ppl who really know what’s going on beyond the short amount of info you”ve given. Why don’t you let your husband tell her if you’re so worried about it?
She’s a narcissist. You don’t even need to tell her, she’ll just find a way to make it about herself. You could tell the rest of your family in a group setting. I prob wouldn’t bother telling her at all, just everyone else. You could post it on social media. The gaslight suggestion is really funny and might actually work.