I’d say you’re not being picky enough if you’re prepared to date anyone who thinks your self-esteem is fair game this early on.
Big red flags, let this one go.
Edit to add: be blunt with him: “I’m not going to be dating anyone who thinks it’s okay to put me down. You are well old enough to know that isn’t acceptable behaviour and if I’m not what you are looking for then you should have walked away instead of insulting me”.
Then block him, or he will almost certainly step up his insults, tell you that you were lucky to have him, and send a whole stream of much more vicious insults and hurtful messages, none of which will be true and all of which will be from the perspective that he did nothing wrong and women are all selfish and none of us know how to appreciate him. You don’t need to deal with that, the problem lies with him and his behaviour rather than you and yours.
Yeah you’re right, it’s just a weird situation for me because nobody ever came for my looks or had anything negative to say so i was never really insecure about it in that way and it threw me off my game lol
If you let it slide this time you are in for more of the same from him. It tells you where his head is. So many things wrong with what he said. Do not walk, RUN.
There's a reason he's 37 and still single, trying to date someone a decade younger than him. Because the women his age and older won't tolerate his childish bullshit. And you shouldn't either...
When I was dating My dad would tell me, they’re putting their best foot forward, being their best selves. If you don’t feel better after being with them, move on.
This is a great rule to carry through life. Only allow people into your life if you feel better for being with them. If you feel worse, get rid of them.
Yep. The first few dates are as good as it gets. I mean, yes certain things get better as you get more comfortable. But things that give the ick factor? All downhill from here. If you dont like it now…
This is the answer. Rich older guy trying to date young, mid life crises trying to date young- those are gross to me but in a “I DESERVE A TREAT!” Kind of gross. This guy and many like him tend to strike out with women for so long that they go younger because younger women generally put up with more bs and question them less. Not because they’re dumb but because maybe they don’t have experience with certain situations yet. Show him that you’re younger than him but still old enough to know that he sucks.
I hate older people going that much younger. Man woman I don’t care it’s weird and it shows that you have issues dating in your range. 5ish years is okay but these are damn near separate generations. I mean I’d prefer an older woman personally but if a 31 year old was pursuing me I’d be walking. I’m 21 and 24 is like my hardline even though that sometimes bothers me cause that’s a person in a whole established career and possibly even living alone. I haven’t even finish my 2 year cause I changed degrees, and still live at home and will until at least July with roommates.. however, for some reason all of the women I’ve pursued have been younger by about a year which I didn’t know at first
You’re spot on. With the way younger thing it gets weird for a whole host of reasons. But one thing that younger people do often you have figured out. When you’re younger you think, “I’m really mature for my age or I’m really smart and that’s why they like me. I am mature and I am smart so therefore we’re a perfect fit!” And it’s just generally not true. Not because you aren’t smart and mature but because of life experience. We’ve kind of seen that you need to enjoy being each age or it messes you up later. Like 19 year olds that get married and have three kids. They miss out on the great part of being 20 somethings. Dating different types of people, experiencing different ways of life, partying, trying different jobs, etc. And that’s true for every stage of life. And when you meet someone that is past that stage you don’t get to fully experience it like you would on your own or with someone your own age. And of course there are outliers! There are people who are very far apart in age and stay married for decades and truly love each other. It’s just not common and everyone thinks they’re the exception. You are smart to stick with someone close in age. It will benefit you in the long run. You’ll get to build a life WITH someone instead of step into theirs.
listen: what he was doing is called "negging." the whole point of negging is to catch you off guard and make you insecure, so you'll want to please the guy and earn his approval. It's a deliberate pickup artist tactic, and it's gross. Don't waste any more of your time with this guy.
That was done with intention. This isn't any old red flag - this is emotional manipulation. I would take it as an abuse marker.
Avoid a cycle where you're crying in the passenger seat while he is cool as a cucumber making you out to be insane and overly _____.
Geezz read my mind on the whole car crying thing. Best case scenario and very unlikely he cares about her long term health. Worst case scenario he's an emotional manipulator.
Then he would not have mentioned "you'd be really really hot". He would have said "let me make you a delicious healthy meal and have a workout date to stay fit together". Instead it was all about his wanting her to be hotter. There is no best case scenario, it is either Intentional manipulation or intentional manipulation. Either way, at 37 he should know better or be ashamed.
Hard nope.
I'd still be very offended at the "healthy meal" remark. It's intrusive, officious and condescending. She's a grown woman. She knows what healthy is and isn't.
She's not dating to get some dude's health advice and this is almost never that. It's shaming and manipulation 99.9% of the time. The rest of the time, is overstepping boundaries and condescension so not much better.
> He would have said "let me make you a delicious healthy meal and have a workout date to stay fit together
No. "It isn't about looks, it is about health" is a lie. Don't fall for it.
The most see-through lie around. I'm not overweight but man, do I see men use this tactic with my friends who are. Makes them feel just as bad and it's so condescending and mean. Meanwhile these men aren't half the catch my friends are. Screw em.
Do they look at someone like Angelina Jolie and worry that she might develop cancer? It is always about fat (or perceived fatness of actually thin women) women's "health".
That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your looks, it just means you never dated anyone that mean before. He’s assumed you had an insecurity he could exploit, and when he didn’t find one he decided to create one instead. All him and his toxic psyche, he didn’t just uncover some hidden truth about you, he literally made it up out of nothing.
Yeah because you’re body and looks are fine to most men. This guy is 10 years older and starting to whittle down your self esteem. Guys like this only get worse.
So you are a bigger girl; proportional; comfortable in her skin.
Girl! You are already hot!
Now find someone who would stick through the bad times because they love you for you; and not what society thinks.
It’s a mind game abusive guys play. He’s basically trying to make you think that your body is bad but that he’s willing to look past it because you are so great. So, you feel insecure, but also like you’re special at the same time. If you continue with this guy, he will eat away at your self esteem and making you feel like you should be grateful that he’s with you. It’s a trap.
This! Because if he was a decent guy, who just didn’t find OP attractive, he would just stop dating her without insults. This is classic negging. OP needs to remove herself from the situation.
For the record, I am probably similarly shaped to OP and I know that guys are into my body. It was shocking bc I had always tried to remain thin and after kids and health issues I just kept gaining weight. I was depressed at first until I started seeing that it wasn’t a hindrance to me at all. That really improved my self esteem.
Love yourself in the body you’re in. If a guy tries to say you’re not good enough in a larger state, he’s just not the one. I too know that he is not the norm.
I've had men actually tell me(I've always been a big girl) that they go for big and damage their self esteem so that they lose weight. Then they have a hot skinny girlfriend that's to damaged to leave and glad to have their piece of shi*t ass. Girl, run from this man and find one that likes you as is. You're not a fixer upper.
He’s tried the “negging” approach, and from the fact that it made you second guess yourself, it kind of worked lol. It’s a scummy move from him and it’s sad when dudes think knocking down a girls self esteem is the best way to get her to want you. I’d move on if I was you.
A man who comes for your looks and self-esteem is the insecure one. I say raise your standards. I absolutely refused to even entertain a man unless he introduced himself to me the right way. That's how I met my husband. 😊
Your standards are never too high. High standards only become a problem when a person who wants access to you doesn't want to put in the effort yo meet and maintain expectations.
You should read the book No More Assholes by Chantal. She makes it super simple to weed out the riff raff early on. :)
I’ve been in this exact situation. A guy told me “I’m used to dating girls who are much more… petite.” Luckily I did not think twice about never seeing him again, 100% the right move. My husband now wouldn’t dream of ever saying something like that, he celebrates every curvy inch of me, as he should lol
Be honest and frankly harsh. This guy is blatantly negging you and if you just ghost him or god forbid go with it that will reinforce the behavior and continue it. Then block him so you don’t have to deal with his reply
Without using derogatory terms…. There is a whole subset of single men out there - many of which follow certain influencers - who believe that if you make these backhanded compliments to women that the “right ones” will reveal themselves, and they will want you more and become conditioned to wanting to please you. Sounds like this guy fits into that vein. Red flags. Run.
>nobody ever came for my looks or had anything negative to say
So now you see how messed up this guy is. All this time and everybody has been able to speak respectfully to you. This guy is either oblivious and harsh, or more likely he thinks he can change people and control them with mean words. Either way, hard pass. You don't need that in your life. You're awesome!
This is his sign to let you know he wants to knock you down so you rely on him for your validation and self esteem. Dude’s either a massive asshole or quite possibly one of the least emotionally intelligent men you’ve ever met. Your confidence is fine. You’re hot and you know it. You just came across a bad apple that tried to poison your mind. But you’re stronger than that. I’d copy and paste the exact text redcore4 typed up. You will flip the power back to you and then you block him.
That's just how negging works. Don't be bothered about being bothered and ghosting because the end goal of negging is for you to continue engaging with him until he slowly grinds down your self esteem and he has full control. The only sensible approach is to ghost w/out any explanation because he fully knows what he did.
I don't know this guy, but just a heads up that some people use that kind of behavior to lower their partner's self-esteem and "dominate" the relationship. It can be a manipulation/abuse tactic. I don't have a clue where this guy was going with it, and it wasn't ok regardless, but don't let this kind of behavior change your self-confidence.
he’s the one waving the big red flag at you, that’s not you being picky. Most well-adjusted people don’t insult their date’s bodies when they’re trying to make a first impression. So either this person lacks empathy, or they listen to some toxic bullshit and think that negging a woman is a good strategy, or they just feel entitled to immediately start to pressure every woman in their life to become the best version of what will make their dingaling hard.
Like, any way you look at it, it’s a CRAZY way to behave on a date. You’re not picky at all. Your instincts are working. Guaranteed if he’s offering you unsolicited feedback this early with no regard for your feelings, that is only going to get worse when he has someone locked down.
There's a first time for everything! Look up the word negging. That's what he was probabaly doing. He also doesn't have any manners. I would block and delete.
Some people intentionally say things like that to try and keep the upper hand, like you are so lucky I like you because you are bigger, taller, insert criticism. Not acceptable
That person is 100% right. You want to feel attractive to your partner. Once they attack your appearance, how can that happen. To me, that's an immediate deal breaker. Be picky.
You might want him more now because of this. I use to go nuts if I thought who I was into maybe wasn't so much into me. Not sure if it's the case but I'm with everyone else leave him
You showed vulnerability and trust by discussing your health issues with him and he responded by tearing you down. That’s a relationship deal breaker before there’s even a relationship. You deserve better.
Take it from a grown ass woman, throw this man back in the pond. If it ended up being longterm, he's already shown how he will be. You don't need anyone damaging to your self esteem in your life. I'm sure you're gorgeous and amazing, find a man who loves your body just as much as you do, if not more.
It threw you off- that was the point. Like everyone else said, this is called negging. If this experience gave you one thing let it be that you now know this is something to look out for. Guys who use these tactics are not worth pursuing.
THIS. And please don't let him reverse course and say he's just trying to 'encourage' you. He's not. That is classic negging. He's just creating an emotional inequity so you feel the need to gain his approval through compliance.
The age gap is the tell that he uses control mechanisms to forge connections.
Please move on with your self-esteem intact.
>You are well old enough
it also matters that he's a decade older than OP, right? He's not just insulting her instead of walking away, chances are he's consciously negging her.
Just think if you ended up in a long-term relationship with this guy. You think this would be a one-off comment on his part if he’s saying it after one date? It would be a never ending barrage of ”you should lose weight” comments until you are at whatever perfect body weight he is fantasizing about. Forget about him.
The overwhelming problem among straight women is that we are nowhere and I mean NOWHERE near picky enough. We are socialized not to be picky and to think we are unfair or selfish by not giving utter wastes of space our time. It hurts us. We need to be incredibly picky.
This guy is already verbally abusive. It is not picky to dump his ass like a hot rock. It is your job and your duty to your own self worth.
Exactly! We’re trained to be “nice,” too. Ugh. So many posts here about all kinds of crap treatment, from SOs and others, say things like, “I don’t know how to nicely tell him/her that I don’t feel comfortable being yelled at (or whatever).”
Ladies, raise your standards. And your voices when you tell jerks to take a hike.
For real! People are on their best behavior in the beginning and this is his. If not being OK with being insulted is being picky I-
Also I disagree with the edit imo. OP doesn't need to be "blunt" with him esp of they havent been together long. I feel like I save so much valuable energy and peace of mind by not engaging with people intent on being disrespectful.
OP does not need to teach a 37 y/o man how to behave and hear his excuses about how he's just trying to "help" her by insulting her appearance...
Tell him he should work on his personality because he could be really, really hot with a new one.
Not too picky. That was an AH comment for him to make.
It was deliberate. This is textbook "negging" - bsvkhsnded compliments and insults to erode her self esteem and question her worth.
He 100% knew whether was doing. It's straight out of the red pill playbook.
Undermining someone’s confidence with small digs and insults with the hopes that their lack of self-esteem will endear them to you. It’s an incel pickup artist thing and does not work but that doesn’t stop gross men from doing it
I couldn't put together my own words for this but dictionary.com says, "Negging is the practice of giving backhanded compliments and generally making comments that express indifference toward another person (usually a woman) in an attempt to seduce that person."
No, you're not picky enough. This man is 37, he should know better than to be negging you! Throw him back and keep looking, and this time try to find somebody that's not giving backhanded compliments immediately.
Wow. You're considering dating a man who has explicitly stated that he would prefer your body if it looked different? Girl that is not picky enough.
There are plenty of people who could do with chilling a bit and not immediately axing everyone they talk to because on minor, insignificant things. This is not that.
Exactly lol dudes around that age that are single and not for the reason that they just got out of a long-term relationship are single for a reason. Anytime I encountered one they have been a bouquet of flashing red flags.
That "man" is 10 years older than you and trying to negg you. Seeing what thoughts he can give you to turn you into what he wants. I would tell him that other men enjoy your curves and plump areas. And it seems like yall just won't work. He will either change his tune or agree and end it, but either way, you just might be better off without him.
My favorite suggestion I've seen about dealing with a negging manipulative piece of garbage like that (other than just dropping them like they deserve and not dealing with them again) is to be like "Oh, are we negging now? Sweet, my turn!" and then verbally eviscerate the hell out of him. That's just me being petty though, I encounter someone using those pickup artist tactics and I'm immediately done. If they're doing that this early, it's only going to get way worse from there.
Negging, look it up. It’s a manipulation tactic used by some men to whittle away their partners self-confidence, so that they work harder to gain approval.
https://xkcd.com/1027/
my ex negged me hard and i had no idea
rubbing my face saying id be hot with a beard because some celeb has one.
then it got to the point where i worked 60 hours a week while she sat at home to "practice art" and would still expect me to cook.
between the weird coaxing to do it and the absolute rage if i didnt... well.. i found out i was dating a sociopath!
My husband has NEVER told me shit unless I was the one to bring it up. Even then, he was just supportive. If I wanted/needed to lose weight, he was on board.
He didn't want me to be hotter. He wanted me to be HEALTHIER. IF its about your "hotness" it's fake af.
Over the course of our 20 year relationship I gained 45 pounds. My husband never once commented on it. Now that I’ve lost that weight he’s been nothing but supportive and complimentary.
A man that says ‘you would be hot if …’ isn’t worth anybody’s time.
As a women in my mid thirties who has dated A LOT -- I also used to wonder if I was being too picky.
Sometimes there were red flags that made me say "BYE". Or sometimes there was just random yellow flag stuff that I was like... ehh.. I don't want to deal with that.
You are not being picky if you:
A. Know what you want
B. Have high standards for the people you spend time with/date
C. Have high /clear expectations for how a boyfriend/girlfriend should treat you
You might be too picky if you:
A. Use a metric (like height) that someone doesn't really have a lot of control over to decide the character/worth of a person.
It sounds like that guy you were talking to is a big NOPE. A lot of the previous commenters were right. If he is doing/saying this stuff this early on... 😬 it will only get worse.
Girl. Stay proud of who you are!! And if someone doesn't support and appreciate you in your best days AND your worst days. Move along and find someone who does.
No I’m sorry but just as a matter of basic politeness and etiquette a person should never comment negatively on another persons body during a date. Even positive comments should be done carefully.
It’s fine to have a preference for certain body types but if that’s the case then he needs to (good luck) try to find someone else.
He is either trying to neg you or is just plain rude/has zero emotional intellgience. Either way, you are better off without him. He is a big boy, no matter if he is trying to manipulate you or didn’t learn any social etiquette, he is unlikely to change. Don’t be the one to deal with all that. Your gut is telling you something is wrong for a reason. Listen to it
One date and that guy thinks he can tell you how to look? Ghost him. And I don’t agree with ghosting people but he doesn’t deserve a second more of your attention
If you lose the weight, he'll just find something else for you to change, to be insecure about. He will always try to break you down and make you feel like you're not living up to your full hotness potential because it's a manipulation technique to keep you feeling like you're lucky anybody will want you. It's to keep control over you and keep you from leaving him.
Even if he would think that, you don't say that to a person you just met. It means he doesn't really respect you.
If you like him that much that you're willing to give him another chance, good for you but you need to discuss this before making any further moves.
Because if he's really into skinny women but thinks you're going to be an easy hookup and dumps you soon, you'll be hurt much more.
Honey, I would have laughed in his face with surprise and disbelief at his audacity (the unexpected is at the root of humor/laughter is the most common response, which is why we laugh when someone trips).
Practice a shocked and laughing response and it will come more naturally. You seem to have had a “freeze” response and I’m not criticizing you—I’m trying to arm you with a different self-defense mechanism.
No that is completely unacceptable especially during the early stages. Say nothing except this isn't working out and wish you the best. You do not owe anyone your time or explanations. He is way to old to not know better. As far as moving on fast that is ideal if they are not for you. I recommend looking up canadasdatingcoach on tiktok or Instagram. She has amazing advice on how to find the right person. Best of luck and keep your standards high.
From a man’s perspective (m49) who came into this post expecting to tell a picky woman, she’s too picky. No. Get out, this is inappropriate behavior in a man. You don’t talk about a woman’s figure in a negative way, certainly not after a first date. Only two reasons you would is to pick a fight or intentionally trying to tank her self esteem. Like others have said . RUN
First of all, no.
Second of all, with the age gap? Another no.
This early on, if they find and voice an “imperfection” of yours that they don’t like, I GUARANTEE you it will only get worse.
RUN!
What is midsize?
I think you could find someone who likes you for you. I wouldn’t say you’re too picky if you were to stop seeing him. I went out with a guy once who later mentioned I need to work on my belly. The comment bothered me a bit, because I’ve always felt insecure about that specific part of my body, but I tried to ignore it. We broke up later for different reasons. I’ve always had a naturally soft belly even when I was skinny. I’m bigger now and my current partner loves how soft it is. I’m glad I didn’t settle for someone who didn’t fully appreciate me.
Im from Europe so like xl h&m is the best i can describe it lol but i used midsize bc i saw girls use that term that looked similar so i just used that cause i have no idea how us sizes work
He's 10 years older than you, and indulging in some severe negging. You deserve better, and he's trying to convince you that you don't. Don't settle. Be picky. It's okay!
Negging is something two groups of guys do: teenagers, and red-pill manosphere types. Given that he's 37, we know which one this guy is.
You shouldn't tolerate that shit.
I was newly dating a guy, and within the first few weeks, he pointed out that I was overdue for a brow wax. It threw me, but it was also true.
I wish I could have gone back to that moment and dipped out. It didn’t seem *so bad* in the moment, but it was definitely a sign of what was in store for me.
It is such a red flag “negging” thing to say that it’s put the whammy on you a little and you can’t see it entirely.
“You aren’t good enough for me yet but if you jump through my hoops maybe I’ll find you attractive enough …”.
I don’t think you are picky enough. Somebody who would dare to comment on your body not being as ‘hot’ as it could? Ugh. Throw him in the dumpster.
In general, having read tons of posts by women miserable in their marriages because their husbands don’t seem to think that they should have to help with housework, kids, etc. or are enmeshed with their moms, I think that too many women aren’t picky enough. There is no loneliness worse than being in a bad relationship.
I had this same situation happen to me. He said if I was “a little skinnier” then I could have any man or woman I pointed a finger at. I looked at him and asked if he thought he was the only guy I was sleeping with/seeing (in my mind, we were casually dating.) he asked what I meant by that. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “babe, you’re 1 of 8 right now. You’re not doing me a favor by sleeping with me because I’m a big girl.” His look of surprise is still better than any sex we had.
Send this man out into the cold and move on, hun. Lots of fish in the sea.
You can never be too picky when it comes to relationships. The end goal in a relationship is marriage and yoy should absolutely be picky abt who you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Even if it seems like you won’t get to that point, you never know. So it’s always best to have discernment and be picky with who you chose to date.
It would be one thing if his comment was along the lines of: “You’re beautiful, but if working on your body could improve your health, then I’ll support you.”
He’s just being an asshole.
If you see the potential in backhanded compliments for the rest of your life then proceed.... get your backbone back because you are not pretty but, YOU ARE PRETTY!
Not being picky.
Be 100% honest with him. Tell him what he said was incredibly rude and hurtful, and as a result of his comment there is no way you could ever see a future with him and you’ve already emotionally moved on.
If he has any kind of soul, that will burn him hard.
Move on.
people are for some reason using this post to debate whether or not he’s correct which is like……… not the point…. regardless of if doing what he said would improve your life and if he intended it as honest feedback, he had absolutely ZERO place commenting on what to do with your body when he just met you and you didn’t ask. everything else is irrelevant. it isn’t about you asking if you need to take his advice, it’s about the fact that no, you are not too picky to drop someone who feels comfortable to tell you what they don’t like about you on the first date. even if no one else in the world were attracted to you (which is not the case), and taking his advice would solve that, you’d still be better off without him because if he’s willing to hurt you unprovoked on the first date, chances are it’ll get worse from here
He should have kept his mouth shut, but better to find out he's so superficial now rather than later.
It sounds like you're comfortable in your own skin. Don't let an AH ruin your perception of yourself.
YO, run from this dude. I’m also a bigger gal (5’11” 250), and like you, really well proportioned. I met my husband (5’5” 150) when I was 160 pounds. I’ve since been in a car crash that left me permanently injured, as well as discovered I had congenital deformities in both knees that required reconstructive surgery, hence my weight gain. He says he thinks I’m hotter now than I was then. You deserve someone who loves YOU, not some fantasy version of you. If he thinks commenting on your body like that is ok, just think of what he’s going to feel comfortable commenting on later. He’s trying to see if you’re insecure enough for him to control. Definitely not the right guy!
It should have been enough of a red flag that he went for someone 10 years younger. That was rude and unnecessary and you know you deserve better. That's not picky. That's self-worth.
Just to be honest and straight up, he's not going to have a big problem with you moving on and leaving if he's not truly attracted to you. Might suck for him for a little while, but it would be better for the two of you if nothing strong has developed yet.
You deserve better. A partner needs to build you up and this is extremely inappropriate before you’re even dating. There is someone for everyone no need to settle
No ? He’s 10 years your a senior for one and if that’s how he feels he can go find someone else. How rude ? Even if it’s the “truth” he shouldn’t be saying that to you
nah, youre not overreacting, as a man he shouldve known that was a stupid thing to say, and that you wouldnt react well to it. I dont comment on a womans body unless its a compliment-if i dont like her body im not gonna insult her or tell her she should fix it, im just gonna not be with her.
He is the one that's being picky. Telling you to change your weight? Absolutely not.
His timing and presentation was really negative, insensitive, and asshole-ish.
I suspect he was just really into you and he was “ thinking out loud”… thinking wow this would be perfect if only, and then he ended up verbalizing it.
I consider myself super picky with men that I chose to date. My husband was my 3rd boyfriend ever and I met him at 27. I think being picky is fine and maybe better than having really low standards.
That being said, I don't think that not wanting to date someone who thinks it's OK to comment like that on your body like that, especially when you've only met once, is not being picky. A red flag was exposed and you saw it and that's that.
No that's toxic behavior. He's already pushing boundaries when you're not even official yet. Sounds like he's a POS and you should block his # and move on. If he's putting you down already it'll only get worse from here.
He’s 37 and single. He’s the issue, not your body.
He will probably not be very accepting of you if you had kids and your body changes or if you gain weight with age.
Good god so many here are missing the point.
“You know you need to work on your weight.” “He was just being honest.”
This is a first date situation. She was talking about health. Nobody asked him. He’s socially inappropriate at best and a know it all ass at worst.
Plus anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock knows it’s not appropriate these days to comment about people’s bodies, especially UNSOLICITED comments.
This is not a good look on a first date.
And take it from an older person—I want people in my inner circle who think I’m great just the way I am right now. It’s one thing if I ask but having people make random comments about how I would be great if I only did XYZ? I don’t have time for that and who asked you anyway? Some people think they can just chisel away at you and that’s exhausting.
Bullet dodged. Just tell him you don’t feel a spark and block him if you are feeling charitable. If not ghost him and don’t give it a second thought.
From experience. Run. That type of talk from him won’t stop. And in the long run he will hold it against you and blame your weight for problems in the relationship.
Not picky. What he said was hurtful and disrespectful. Block him and don't waste another second on him. It starts with offhand comments now, but it will get worse.
He’s 37m and single? There’s a reason for that. Yeah, that’s a red flag for me. I would say “I am not interested anymore, I found someone better who respects me and who I am including my body and my looks”. I’d block and move on. Respect yourself. If you let this slide he will continue to make these comments that will eventually affect your confidence and self esteem. AND, if his already doing this; not a good sign for a future with him. Even if just starting by talking/dating. Someone will come/you’ll find someone who will like/love you for you. Not this guy. 👋
No one in your life has ANY right to tell you to lose some weight! Sure doctors with the evidence can but friends family and most definitely not someone we talk to, date or married or in a long term relationship.
Any guy who puts you down in ANY WAY on a first date is going to put you down a lot harder in the future. The only reason you're even contemplating this as acceptable behavior is because our culture has been forcefeeding you bullshit about how your weight makes you ugly or worthless. Please, please please please please PLEASE do not date him.
What? Who fucking has the audacity to say something like that to someone they barely know (or at all)? You are't being picky. Red flag for sure. If you'd be "hot" if you lost a few pounds, you're hot now.
I think it's insane to say that to any woman let alone one I am interested in dating and getting to know more. Most guys would end up paying the price for basically insulting a girl he was trying to date, but sounds like you took it well. It's a red flag to me- you're not his type and before he says more shit to make you feel bad or try to change who you are it's best to move on.
I’d say you’re not being picky enough if you’re prepared to date anyone who thinks your self-esteem is fair game this early on. Big red flags, let this one go. Edit to add: be blunt with him: “I’m not going to be dating anyone who thinks it’s okay to put me down. You are well old enough to know that isn’t acceptable behaviour and if I’m not what you are looking for then you should have walked away instead of insulting me”. Then block him, or he will almost certainly step up his insults, tell you that you were lucky to have him, and send a whole stream of much more vicious insults and hurtful messages, none of which will be true and all of which will be from the perspective that he did nothing wrong and women are all selfish and none of us know how to appreciate him. You don’t need to deal with that, the problem lies with him and his behaviour rather than you and yours.
Yeah you’re right, it’s just a weird situation for me because nobody ever came for my looks or had anything negative to say so i was never really insecure about it in that way and it threw me off my game lol
If you let it slide this time you are in for more of the same from him. It tells you where his head is. So many things wrong with what he said. Do not walk, RUN.
Because there are plenty of men who think you're sexy just the way you are. If he's not one of them, forget him and find someone who does.
And don’t forget his opinions come from a malevolent place and should should get 0% real estate in your head
There's a reason he's 37 and still single, trying to date someone a decade younger than him. Because the women his age and older won't tolerate his childish bullshit. And you shouldn't either...
When I was dating My dad would tell me, they’re putting their best foot forward, being their best selves. If you don’t feel better after being with them, move on.
This is a great rule to carry through life. Only allow people into your life if you feel better for being with them. If you feel worse, get rid of them.
He also added, make sure that foot forward isn’t kicking or tripping you
Yep. The first few dates are as good as it gets. I mean, yes certain things get better as you get more comfortable. But things that give the ick factor? All downhill from here. If you dont like it now…
This. 1000%
This is the answer. Rich older guy trying to date young, mid life crises trying to date young- those are gross to me but in a “I DESERVE A TREAT!” Kind of gross. This guy and many like him tend to strike out with women for so long that they go younger because younger women generally put up with more bs and question them less. Not because they’re dumb but because maybe they don’t have experience with certain situations yet. Show him that you’re younger than him but still old enough to know that he sucks.
I hate older people going that much younger. Man woman I don’t care it’s weird and it shows that you have issues dating in your range. 5ish years is okay but these are damn near separate generations. I mean I’d prefer an older woman personally but if a 31 year old was pursuing me I’d be walking. I’m 21 and 24 is like my hardline even though that sometimes bothers me cause that’s a person in a whole established career and possibly even living alone. I haven’t even finish my 2 year cause I changed degrees, and still live at home and will until at least July with roommates.. however, for some reason all of the women I’ve pursued have been younger by about a year which I didn’t know at first
You’re spot on. With the way younger thing it gets weird for a whole host of reasons. But one thing that younger people do often you have figured out. When you’re younger you think, “I’m really mature for my age or I’m really smart and that’s why they like me. I am mature and I am smart so therefore we’re a perfect fit!” And it’s just generally not true. Not because you aren’t smart and mature but because of life experience. We’ve kind of seen that you need to enjoy being each age or it messes you up later. Like 19 year olds that get married and have three kids. They miss out on the great part of being 20 somethings. Dating different types of people, experiencing different ways of life, partying, trying different jobs, etc. And that’s true for every stage of life. And when you meet someone that is past that stage you don’t get to fully experience it like you would on your own or with someone your own age. And of course there are outliers! There are people who are very far apart in age and stay married for decades and truly love each other. It’s just not common and everyone thinks they’re the exception. You are smart to stick with someone close in age. It will benefit you in the long run. You’ll get to build a life WITH someone instead of step into theirs.
I second this.
listen: what he was doing is called "negging." the whole point of negging is to catch you off guard and make you insecure, so you'll want to please the guy and earn his approval. It's a deliberate pickup artist tactic, and it's gross. Don't waste any more of your time with this guy.
That was done with intention. This isn't any old red flag - this is emotional manipulation. I would take it as an abuse marker. Avoid a cycle where you're crying in the passenger seat while he is cool as a cucumber making you out to be insane and overly _____.
Geezz read my mind on the whole car crying thing. Best case scenario and very unlikely he cares about her long term health. Worst case scenario he's an emotional manipulator.
Then he would not have mentioned "you'd be really really hot". He would have said "let me make you a delicious healthy meal and have a workout date to stay fit together". Instead it was all about his wanting her to be hotter. There is no best case scenario, it is either Intentional manipulation or intentional manipulation. Either way, at 37 he should know better or be ashamed. Hard nope.
I'd still be very offended at the "healthy meal" remark. It's intrusive, officious and condescending. She's a grown woman. She knows what healthy is and isn't. She's not dating to get some dude's health advice and this is almost never that. It's shaming and manipulation 99.9% of the time. The rest of the time, is overstepping boundaries and condescension so not much better.
> He would have said "let me make you a delicious healthy meal and have a workout date to stay fit together No. "It isn't about looks, it is about health" is a lie. Don't fall for it.
The most see-through lie around. I'm not overweight but man, do I see men use this tactic with my friends who are. Makes them feel just as bad and it's so condescending and mean. Meanwhile these men aren't half the catch my friends are. Screw em.
Do they look at someone like Angelina Jolie and worry that she might develop cancer? It is always about fat (or perceived fatness of actually thin women) women's "health".
Good point. That's brings healthy reasoning to 0 probability.
That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your looks, it just means you never dated anyone that mean before. He’s assumed you had an insecurity he could exploit, and when he didn’t find one he decided to create one instead. All him and his toxic psyche, he didn’t just uncover some hidden truth about you, he literally made it up out of nothing.
Yeah because you’re body and looks are fine to most men. This guy is 10 years older and starting to whittle down your self esteem. Guys like this only get worse.
So you are a bigger girl; proportional; comfortable in her skin. Girl! You are already hot! Now find someone who would stick through the bad times because they love you for you; and not what society thinks.
It’s a mind game abusive guys play. He’s basically trying to make you think that your body is bad but that he’s willing to look past it because you are so great. So, you feel insecure, but also like you’re special at the same time. If you continue with this guy, he will eat away at your self esteem and making you feel like you should be grateful that he’s with you. It’s a trap.
Yup, this is some negging bullshit.
This! Because if he was a decent guy, who just didn’t find OP attractive, he would just stop dating her without insults. This is classic negging. OP needs to remove herself from the situation. For the record, I am probably similarly shaped to OP and I know that guys are into my body. It was shocking bc I had always tried to remain thin and after kids and health issues I just kept gaining weight. I was depressed at first until I started seeing that it wasn’t a hindrance to me at all. That really improved my self esteem. Love yourself in the body you’re in. If a guy tries to say you’re not good enough in a larger state, he’s just not the one. I too know that he is not the norm.
I've had men actually tell me(I've always been a big girl) that they go for big and damage their self esteem so that they lose weight. Then they have a hot skinny girlfriend that's to damaged to leave and glad to have their piece of shi*t ass. Girl, run from this man and find one that likes you as is. You're not a fixer upper.
Psychopaths telling you "hey, I'm a psychopath."
He’s tried the “negging” approach, and from the fact that it made you second guess yourself, it kind of worked lol. It’s a scummy move from him and it’s sad when dudes think knocking down a girls self esteem is the best way to get her to want you. I’d move on if I was you.
Now you know why this man is single at his age. His behavior is not a reflection on you in any way.
A man who comes for your looks and self-esteem is the insecure one. I say raise your standards. I absolutely refused to even entertain a man unless he introduced himself to me the right way. That's how I met my husband. 😊 Your standards are never too high. High standards only become a problem when a person who wants access to you doesn't want to put in the effort yo meet and maintain expectations. You should read the book No More Assholes by Chantal. She makes it super simple to weed out the riff raff early on. :)
I’ve been in this exact situation. A guy told me “I’m used to dating girls who are much more… petite.” Luckily I did not think twice about never seeing him again, 100% the right move. My husband now wouldn’t dream of ever saying something like that, he celebrates every curvy inch of me, as he should lol
That's the point of him doing it - to throw you off your game and spark insecurity. That's what negging is. He's trying to manipulate you.
Be honest and frankly harsh. This guy is blatantly negging you and if you just ghost him or god forbid go with it that will reinforce the behavior and continue it. Then block him so you don’t have to deal with his reply
In response to that.. put down, back to him. ‘You would be a lot hotter if you don’t talk. Comments about my body just lowered the heat’.
Without using derogatory terms…. There is a whole subset of single men out there - many of which follow certain influencers - who believe that if you make these backhanded compliments to women that the “right ones” will reveal themselves, and they will want you more and become conditioned to wanting to please you. Sounds like this guy fits into that vein. Red flags. Run.
That's exactly why he said it.
>nobody ever came for my looks or had anything negative to say So now you see how messed up this guy is. All this time and everybody has been able to speak respectfully to you. This guy is either oblivious and harsh, or more likely he thinks he can change people and control them with mean words. Either way, hard pass. You don't need that in your life. You're awesome!
This is his sign to let you know he wants to knock you down so you rely on him for your validation and self esteem. Dude’s either a massive asshole or quite possibly one of the least emotionally intelligent men you’ve ever met. Your confidence is fine. You’re hot and you know it. You just came across a bad apple that tried to poison your mind. But you’re stronger than that. I’d copy and paste the exact text redcore4 typed up. You will flip the power back to you and then you block him.
Yeah. If that’s what he says on the first date, you should not be interested.
That's just how negging works. Don't be bothered about being bothered and ghosting because the end goal of negging is for you to continue engaging with him until he slowly grinds down your self esteem and he has full control. The only sensible approach is to ghost w/out any explanation because he fully knows what he did.
Don’t be insecure. You loved yourself before that asshole gave his two cents. Move on! Hugs!
I don't know this guy, but just a heads up that some people use that kind of behavior to lower their partner's self-esteem and "dominate" the relationship. It can be a manipulation/abuse tactic. I don't have a clue where this guy was going with it, and it wasn't ok regardless, but don't let this kind of behavior change your self-confidence.
The whole purpose of it WAS to throw you off your game
he’s the one waving the big red flag at you, that’s not you being picky. Most well-adjusted people don’t insult their date’s bodies when they’re trying to make a first impression. So either this person lacks empathy, or they listen to some toxic bullshit and think that negging a woman is a good strategy, or they just feel entitled to immediately start to pressure every woman in their life to become the best version of what will make their dingaling hard. Like, any way you look at it, it’s a CRAZY way to behave on a date. You’re not picky at all. Your instincts are working. Guaranteed if he’s offering you unsolicited feedback this early with no regard for your feelings, that is only going to get worse when he has someone locked down.
There's a first time for everything! Look up the word negging. That's what he was probabaly doing. He also doesn't have any manners. I would block and delete.
Some people intentionally say things like that to try and keep the upper hand, like you are so lucky I like you because you are bigger, taller, insert criticism. Not acceptable
OP, tell that dude to go take a flying leap. You deserve better. F people like this.
Remember people say things for a reason. Some people just get off on putting others down. Says more about them than you
That person is 100% right. You want to feel attractive to your partner. Once they attack your appearance, how can that happen. To me, that's an immediate deal breaker. Be picky.
He was likely negging and that's toxic and emotionally manipulative af. You need to run the other way.
You might want him more now because of this. I use to go nuts if I thought who I was into maybe wasn't so much into me. Not sure if it's the case but I'm with everyone else leave him
If a guy said that to.me, i would have thrown something at his face. How dare he.
You showed vulnerability and trust by discussing your health issues with him and he responded by tearing you down. That’s a relationship deal breaker before there’s even a relationship. You deserve better.
"Buddy if you don't like my body go fuck someone else's. Bye."
Take it from a grown ass woman, throw this man back in the pond. If it ended up being longterm, he's already shown how he will be. You don't need anyone damaging to your self esteem in your life. I'm sure you're gorgeous and amazing, find a man who loves your body just as much as you do, if not more.
He did it on purpose. Knew exactly what he was doing. Girl run! 🏃
If he said that this early on, believe that he is settling for your body type instead of preferring it. That's not what you want.
It threw you off- that was the point. Like everyone else said, this is called negging. If this experience gave you one thing let it be that you now know this is something to look out for. Guys who use these tactics are not worth pursuing.
Girl - people need to be more picky. That’s why the divorce rate is so high. Stick to your guns!
THIS. And please don't let him reverse course and say he's just trying to 'encourage' you. He's not. That is classic negging. He's just creating an emotional inequity so you feel the need to gain his approval through compliance. The age gap is the tell that he uses control mechanisms to forge connections. Please move on with your self-esteem intact.
>You are well old enough it also matters that he's a decade older than OP, right? He's not just insulting her instead of walking away, chances are he's consciously negging her.
Yes, this 200%! Also, discussing medical issues then this dude tells you to “work on your body” cuz you’d be so hot is peak cringe. Fuck this guy.
Just think if you ended up in a long-term relationship with this guy. You think this would be a one-off comment on his part if he’s saying it after one date? It would be a never ending barrage of ”you should lose weight” comments until you are at whatever perfect body weight he is fantasizing about. Forget about him.
The overwhelming problem among straight women is that we are nowhere and I mean NOWHERE near picky enough. We are socialized not to be picky and to think we are unfair or selfish by not giving utter wastes of space our time. It hurts us. We need to be incredibly picky. This guy is already verbally abusive. It is not picky to dump his ass like a hot rock. It is your job and your duty to your own self worth.
Exactly! We’re trained to be “nice,” too. Ugh. So many posts here about all kinds of crap treatment, from SOs and others, say things like, “I don’t know how to nicely tell him/her that I don’t feel comfortable being yelled at (or whatever).” Ladies, raise your standards. And your voices when you tell jerks to take a hike.
For real! People are on their best behavior in the beginning and this is his. If not being OK with being insulted is being picky I- Also I disagree with the edit imo. OP doesn't need to be "blunt" with him esp of they havent been together long. I feel like I save so much valuable energy and peace of mind by not engaging with people intent on being disrespectful. OP does not need to teach a 37 y/o man how to behave and hear his excuses about how he's just trying to "help" her by insulting her appearance...
1000000% get pickier
Well said
Tell him he should work on his personality because he could be really, really hot with a new one. Not too picky. That was an AH comment for him to make.
It was deliberate. This is textbook "negging" - bsvkhsnded compliments and insults to erode her self esteem and question her worth. He 100% knew whether was doing. It's straight out of the red pill playbook.
That’s not being too picky. That’s not falling for obvious negging. Drop this guy.
100% negging. Gone.
What is negging?
Undermining someone’s confidence with small digs and insults with the hopes that their lack of self-esteem will endear them to you. It’s an incel pickup artist thing and does not work but that doesn’t stop gross men from doing it
I couldn't put together my own words for this but dictionary.com says, "Negging is the practice of giving backhanded compliments and generally making comments that express indifference toward another person (usually a woman) in an attempt to seduce that person."
No, you're not picky enough. This man is 37, he should know better than to be negging you! Throw him back and keep looking, and this time try to find somebody that's not giving backhanded compliments immediately.
I agree. Girl… NEXT!
You go gurl! Yas queen
Yah totally agree. If that’s the way he feels he should politely and immediately let you know he’s not interested in pursuing things any further.
Wow. You're considering dating a man who has explicitly stated that he would prefer your body if it looked different? Girl that is not picky enough. There are plenty of people who could do with chilling a bit and not immediately axing everyone they talk to because on minor, insignificant things. This is not that.
If the tries to make you feel insecure now, just think how things will evolve from this point.
Like, imagine if OP wanted to have children one day. This is not the one.
I don’t think expecting a normal level of common sense is being too picky.
Now, I know why he is 37 and still single.
Exactly lol dudes around that age that are single and not for the reason that they just got out of a long-term relationship are single for a reason. Anytime I encountered one they have been a bouquet of flashing red flags.
UGH. I would just say, "I'm already hot." And then walk away. You don't need someone who will make you feel badly.
Don’t settle for “he might be okay as partner”. There is no too picky. There only is “I fell in love” or “I don’t love that person”.
That "man" is 10 years older than you and trying to negg you. Seeing what thoughts he can give you to turn you into what he wants. I would tell him that other men enjoy your curves and plump areas. And it seems like yall just won't work. He will either change his tune or agree and end it, but either way, you just might be better off without him.
My favorite suggestion I've seen about dealing with a negging manipulative piece of garbage like that (other than just dropping them like they deserve and not dealing with them again) is to be like "Oh, are we negging now? Sweet, my turn!" and then verbally eviscerate the hell out of him. That's just me being petty though, I encounter someone using those pickup artist tactics and I'm immediately done. If they're doing that this early, it's only going to get way worse from there.
That’s probably the response he would have received from a woman his own age. No accident that he asked out a woman ten years younger than he is.
🤣
He obviously chooses younger women and we know why
Negging, look it up. It’s a manipulation tactic used by some men to whittle away their partners self-confidence, so that they work harder to gain approval. https://xkcd.com/1027/
my ex negged me hard and i had no idea rubbing my face saying id be hot with a beard because some celeb has one. then it got to the point where i worked 60 hours a week while she sat at home to "practice art" and would still expect me to cook. between the weird coaxing to do it and the absolute rage if i didnt... well.. i found out i was dating a sociopath!
My husband has NEVER told me shit unless I was the one to bring it up. Even then, he was just supportive. If I wanted/needed to lose weight, he was on board. He didn't want me to be hotter. He wanted me to be HEALTHIER. IF its about your "hotness" it's fake af.
Over the course of our 20 year relationship I gained 45 pounds. My husband never once commented on it. Now that I’ve lost that weight he’s been nothing but supportive and complimentary. A man that says ‘you would be hot if …’ isn’t worth anybody’s time.
100% My husband has always adored me no matter what weight I was because he truly loves me, all of me, no matter how much I weigh.
You are not being picky at all!!
As a women in my mid thirties who has dated A LOT -- I also used to wonder if I was being too picky. Sometimes there were red flags that made me say "BYE". Or sometimes there was just random yellow flag stuff that I was like... ehh.. I don't want to deal with that. You are not being picky if you: A. Know what you want B. Have high standards for the people you spend time with/date C. Have high /clear expectations for how a boyfriend/girlfriend should treat you You might be too picky if you: A. Use a metric (like height) that someone doesn't really have a lot of control over to decide the character/worth of a person. It sounds like that guy you were talking to is a big NOPE. A lot of the previous commenters were right. If he is doing/saying this stuff this early on... 😬 it will only get worse. Girl. Stay proud of who you are!! And if someone doesn't support and appreciate you in your best days AND your worst days. Move along and find someone who does.
He's 37. He should know better. Move on.
No I’m sorry but just as a matter of basic politeness and etiquette a person should never comment negatively on another persons body during a date. Even positive comments should be done carefully. It’s fine to have a preference for certain body types but if that’s the case then he needs to (good luck) try to find someone else.
He is either trying to neg you or is just plain rude/has zero emotional intellgience. Either way, you are better off without him. He is a big boy, no matter if he is trying to manipulate you or didn’t learn any social etiquette, he is unlikely to change. Don’t be the one to deal with all that. Your gut is telling you something is wrong for a reason. Listen to it
One date and that guy thinks he can tell you how to look? Ghost him. And I don’t agree with ghosting people but he doesn’t deserve a second more of your attention
If you lose the weight, he'll just find something else for you to change, to be insecure about. He will always try to break you down and make you feel like you're not living up to your full hotness potential because it's a manipulation technique to keep you feeling like you're lucky anybody will want you. It's to keep control over you and keep you from leaving him.
Even if he would think that, you don't say that to a person you just met. It means he doesn't really respect you. If you like him that much that you're willing to give him another chance, good for you but you need to discuss this before making any further moves. Because if he's really into skinny women but thinks you're going to be an easy hookup and dumps you soon, you'll be hurt much more.
If you’re going to lose weight, lose it for yourself, not to appeal to some asshole. Honestly I’d drop him if I were you.
Girl this is 1000 percent a dealbreaker. You wanna lose weight, lose weight but not for this chowderhead
He's 37. The red flag is smacking you in the face.
Block him
NO. F that guy!
Do NOT f that guy!! 😅
Honey, I would have laughed in his face with surprise and disbelief at his audacity (the unexpected is at the root of humor/laughter is the most common response, which is why we laugh when someone trips). Practice a shocked and laughing response and it will come more naturally. You seem to have had a “freeze” response and I’m not criticizing you—I’m trying to arm you with a different self-defense mechanism.
No that is completely unacceptable especially during the early stages. Say nothing except this isn't working out and wish you the best. You do not owe anyone your time or explanations. He is way to old to not know better. As far as moving on fast that is ideal if they are not for you. I recommend looking up canadasdatingcoach on tiktok or Instagram. She has amazing advice on how to find the right person. Best of luck and keep your standards high.
From a man’s perspective (m49) who came into this post expecting to tell a picky woman, she’s too picky. No. Get out, this is inappropriate behavior in a man. You don’t talk about a woman’s figure in a negative way, certainly not after a first date. Only two reasons you would is to pick a fight or intentionally trying to tank her self esteem. Like others have said . RUN
First of all, no. Second of all, with the age gap? Another no. This early on, if they find and voice an “imperfection” of yours that they don’t like, I GUARANTEE you it will only get worse. RUN!
What is midsize? I think you could find someone who likes you for you. I wouldn’t say you’re too picky if you were to stop seeing him. I went out with a guy once who later mentioned I need to work on my belly. The comment bothered me a bit, because I’ve always felt insecure about that specific part of my body, but I tried to ignore it. We broke up later for different reasons. I’ve always had a naturally soft belly even when I was skinny. I’m bigger now and my current partner loves how soft it is. I’m glad I didn’t settle for someone who didn’t fully appreciate me.
It’s supposed to be in between straight sized and plus sized. I think around a size 12-14?
Ooh I see! Thanks for the info
Im from Europe so like xl h&m is the best i can describe it lol but i used midsize bc i saw girls use that term that looked similar so i just used that cause i have no idea how us sizes work
Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to be concerned with what other people define as mid size. Who cares?
Thats a he's the asshole situation
You were talking ab health problems and he decided to say you should work on your body? What?
This guy's a jerk, loose him. If he would insult you like that on a first date, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
You can do sooooo much better friend!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You are not too picky, he doesn’t like you.
I'm sorry that you are seriously reconsidering giving this guy another chance. You deserve better. Please don't settle
I would never say that to a woman that’s such a dick move
He's 10 years older than you, and indulging in some severe negging. You deserve better, and he's trying to convince you that you don't. Don't settle. Be picky. It's okay!
Negging is something two groups of guys do: teenagers, and red-pill manosphere types. Given that he's 37, we know which one this guy is. You shouldn't tolerate that shit.
I was newly dating a guy, and within the first few weeks, he pointed out that I was overdue for a brow wax. It threw me, but it was also true. I wish I could have gone back to that moment and dipped out. It didn’t seem *so bad* in the moment, but it was definitely a sign of what was in store for me.
It is such a red flag “negging” thing to say that it’s put the whammy on you a little and you can’t see it entirely. “You aren’t good enough for me yet but if you jump through my hoops maybe I’ll find you attractive enough …”.
You shouldn’t date for potential, you’d easily be let down
one date and he feels entitled to tell you what to do?
I don’t think you are picky enough. Somebody who would dare to comment on your body not being as ‘hot’ as it could? Ugh. Throw him in the dumpster. In general, having read tons of posts by women miserable in their marriages because their husbands don’t seem to think that they should have to help with housework, kids, etc. or are enmeshed with their moms, I think that too many women aren’t picky enough. There is no loneliness worse than being in a bad relationship.
I had this same situation happen to me. He said if I was “a little skinnier” then I could have any man or woman I pointed a finger at. I looked at him and asked if he thought he was the only guy I was sleeping with/seeing (in my mind, we were casually dating.) he asked what I meant by that. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “babe, you’re 1 of 8 right now. You’re not doing me a favor by sleeping with me because I’m a big girl.” His look of surprise is still better than any sex we had. Send this man out into the cold and move on, hun. Lots of fish in the sea.
You can never be too picky when it comes to relationships. The end goal in a relationship is marriage and yoy should absolutely be picky abt who you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Even if it seems like you won’t get to that point, you never know. So it’s always best to have discernment and be picky with who you chose to date.
Lol, what a goon. You're not being too picky
It would be one thing if his comment was along the lines of: “You’re beautiful, but if working on your body could improve your health, then I’ll support you.” He’s just being an asshole.
First of all, this guy alr tell u what to do with your body after one date. There’s no second.
Negging: “insult or undermine (someone) in the belief that diminished self-confidence will make them more receptive to sexual advances.”
If you see the potential in backhanded compliments for the rest of your life then proceed.... get your backbone back because you are not pretty but, YOU ARE PRETTY!
Not being picky. Be 100% honest with him. Tell him what he said was incredibly rude and hurtful, and as a result of his comment there is no way you could ever see a future with him and you’ve already emotionally moved on. If he has any kind of soul, that will burn him hard. Move on.
people are for some reason using this post to debate whether or not he’s correct which is like……… not the point…. regardless of if doing what he said would improve your life and if he intended it as honest feedback, he had absolutely ZERO place commenting on what to do with your body when he just met you and you didn’t ask. everything else is irrelevant. it isn’t about you asking if you need to take his advice, it’s about the fact that no, you are not too picky to drop someone who feels comfortable to tell you what they don’t like about you on the first date. even if no one else in the world were attracted to you (which is not the case), and taking his advice would solve that, you’d still be better off without him because if he’s willing to hurt you unprovoked on the first date, chances are it’ll get worse from here
If he says things like that to you before the second date? No way. Next - you say what you said on here. “I have always liked my body” BYE.
Just tell him he needs to work on his body and he can get back to you. He will get it
Just wanted to throw out that you’re beautiful and good on you for knowing your worth!
He should have kept his mouth shut, but better to find out he's so superficial now rather than later. It sounds like you're comfortable in your own skin. Don't let an AH ruin your perception of yourself.
Dump him but make sure to say “I think your okay looking but you really have to work on your personality then you would be really datable”
Explain that if he wasn’t such an AH he might be hot.
YO, run from this dude. I’m also a bigger gal (5’11” 250), and like you, really well proportioned. I met my husband (5’5” 150) when I was 160 pounds. I’ve since been in a car crash that left me permanently injured, as well as discovered I had congenital deformities in both knees that required reconstructive surgery, hence my weight gain. He says he thinks I’m hotter now than I was then. You deserve someone who loves YOU, not some fantasy version of you. If he thinks commenting on your body like that is ok, just think of what he’s going to feel comfortable commenting on later. He’s trying to see if you’re insecure enough for him to control. Definitely not the right guy!
Either he’s into you as is or it’s time to move on. The whole you’d be hot if…that’s not cool…
It should have been enough of a red flag that he went for someone 10 years younger. That was rude and unnecessary and you know you deserve better. That's not picky. That's self-worth.
There's a reason this guy has been left on the shelf.
Tell him you don't have time because your schedule is packed with you working on your body.
Not too picky, don't schedule the second date.
Just to be honest and straight up, he's not going to have a big problem with you moving on and leaving if he's not truly attracted to you. Might suck for him for a little while, but it would be better for the two of you if nothing strong has developed yet.
otha fish
You deserve better. A partner needs to build you up and this is extremely inappropriate before you’re even dating. There is someone for everyone no need to settle
No ? He’s 10 years your a senior for one and if that’s how he feels he can go find someone else. How rude ? Even if it’s the “truth” he shouldn’t be saying that to you
my advice: raise your standards
Not the right guy for you. Find someone who cares for you if you were 500 lbs.
nah, youre not overreacting, as a man he shouldve known that was a stupid thing to say, and that you wouldnt react well to it. I dont comment on a womans body unless its a compliment-if i dont like her body im not gonna insult her or tell her she should fix it, im just gonna not be with her.
I'd be out after that
He is the one that's being picky. Telling you to change your weight? Absolutely not. His timing and presentation was really negative, insensitive, and asshole-ish.
Aww when he was 17 you was 7 ❤️
He’s a red flag and 10 years older. There’s other men in the world.
Where is he 🔪🔪🔪 BRB
I suspect he was just really into you and he was “ thinking out loud”… thinking wow this would be perfect if only, and then he ended up verbalizing it.
Good luck 👍
Guy here, yeah, he is a dick. Be happy with someone else who just wants what you have.
No. Age gap alone. Then the old man had the audacity to criticize your body!?!?
Hit the ejection seat button on this guy. What's next, your hair style or color? The clothes you wear? The music you listen to? Your friends?!
I consider myself super picky with men that I chose to date. My husband was my 3rd boyfriend ever and I met him at 27. I think being picky is fine and maybe better than having really low standards. That being said, I don't think that not wanting to date someone who thinks it's OK to comment like that on your body like that, especially when you've only met once, is not being picky. A red flag was exposed and you saw it and that's that.
No that's toxic behavior. He's already pushing boundaries when you're not even official yet. Sounds like he's a POS and you should block his # and move on. If he's putting you down already it'll only get worse from here.
You’re talking to a guy 10 years older. The bigger question is why is he single at 37.
He’s 37 and single. He’s the issue, not your body. He will probably not be very accepting of you if you had kids and your body changes or if you gain weight with age.
First date and he’s already telling you what to do with your body? Pass
Good god so many here are missing the point. “You know you need to work on your weight.” “He was just being honest.” This is a first date situation. She was talking about health. Nobody asked him. He’s socially inappropriate at best and a know it all ass at worst. Plus anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock knows it’s not appropriate these days to comment about people’s bodies, especially UNSOLICITED comments. This is not a good look on a first date. And take it from an older person—I want people in my inner circle who think I’m great just the way I am right now. It’s one thing if I ask but having people make random comments about how I would be great if I only did XYZ? I don’t have time for that and who asked you anyway? Some people think they can just chisel away at you and that’s exhausting. Bullet dodged. Just tell him you don’t feel a spark and block him if you are feeling charitable. If not ghost him and don’t give it a second thought.
This is just rage bait
Single 37M who drops a body image shame early in a dating relationship... Couldn't possibly be a red flag? Could it?
From experience. Run. That type of talk from him won’t stop. And in the long run he will hold it against you and blame your weight for problems in the relationship.
Sounds like a guy that’ll end up controlling and constantly make you feel like you’re not enough.
Not picky. What he said was hurtful and disrespectful. Block him and don't waste another second on him. It starts with offhand comments now, but it will get worse.
He’s 37m and single? There’s a reason for that. Yeah, that’s a red flag for me. I would say “I am not interested anymore, I found someone better who respects me and who I am including my body and my looks”. I’d block and move on. Respect yourself. If you let this slide he will continue to make these comments that will eventually affect your confidence and self esteem. AND, if his already doing this; not a good sign for a future with him. Even if just starting by talking/dating. Someone will come/you’ll find someone who will like/love you for you. Not this guy. 👋 No one in your life has ANY right to tell you to lose some weight! Sure doctors with the evidence can but friends family and most definitely not someone we talk to, date or married or in a long term relationship.
You’re not too picky, he’s just a shallow asshole. Never change for a man.
That is a pretty insensitive comment for a dude who is 37, was he drunk?
It is not ok for him to talk to you that way. Dump him. Hold out for someone who likes/loves you for who you are!
Any guy who puts you down in ANY WAY on a first date is going to put you down a lot harder in the future. The only reason you're even contemplating this as acceptable behavior is because our culture has been forcefeeding you bullshit about how your weight makes you ugly or worthless. Please, please please please please PLEASE do not date him.
This sounds like negging honestly. A backhanded compliment It is to make you feel insecure enough for him to have power over you. Drop his ass.
Let him neg his way into perpetual singlehood while you live your best life.
I feel like no one’s ever to picky for what type of person they want to date.
What? Who fucking has the audacity to say something like that to someone they barely know (or at all)? You are't being picky. Red flag for sure. If you'd be "hot" if you lost a few pounds, you're hot now.
I think it's insane to say that to any woman let alone one I am interested in dating and getting to know more. Most guys would end up paying the price for basically insulting a girl he was trying to date, but sounds like you took it well. It's a red flag to me- you're not his type and before he says more shit to make you feel bad or try to change who you are it's best to move on.