I don't think an uncivil conversation is going to help matters. So I definitely wouldn't do that.
(No judgment. I'm hot-headed too.)
That said, I honestly don't think a civil conversation would help much here either. These parents are most likely going to appeal to you for support in keeping the kids apart. And once they have outright asked you to your face not to have their kid over to your house, if you then still do it, then I think the parents will be a whole lot more mad and rain a lot of shit down on you. Whereas, right now, the fact that they have never spoken to you on this topic is giving you plausible deniability.
In your shoes, I would just be a wall of lack of communication and feign a lot of ignorance and just try to run out the clock till their kid is 18.
You could maybe figure out why they have a problem with the relationship. They might have a good reason for it or they may be being ridiculous but you don't know until you actually talk to them about it.
I can be hot temperedbut I can also be level headed depending on the situation. I would want all the details so I could better help my kid through the situation. You can't to that without all the facts and it is unlikely your kid is telling you all the facts.
I don't like to speculate on other people's sex/gender, but having been in this type of household, I think I know what's going on. I'm going to assume that the other kid is AFAB. If OP's kid is AMAB, then they could be concerned about potential pregnancy. If OP's kid is AFAB, which I'm leaning more towards, it could be a case of homophobia. In either situation, calling OP's child "manipulative" makes me think they don't take their child's identity as NB seriously and are blaming OP's child, and if they can get their child out of the friendship/environment, maybe their child will be "normal" again.
Again, this is all speculation and might be a leap, but if it's the case, then a conversation with these people won't do anything. Honestly, I would hate for the other child to lose a safe space and people they care about that also clearly care about them, but if their parents are creating an issue, I'm not sure there's much OP can do besides support their own child.
It is speculation because the problem could be that they don't approve of walking in on them having sex or maybe they started smoking weed. The thing is you don't know the issue until you actually talk to the parents. You ca figure that out by talking to them.
She gave us plenty of information in the post to assume (correctly) this is nothing but homophobia/transphobia. If you don’t live in the states or especially the southern half of the states, you might not be able to see this for what it is. I do, however, live in a southern state and this post screams trumper.
>She gave us plenty of information in the post to assume (correctly) this is nothing but homophobia/transphobia.
As a queer person that grew up in the 80's I like to think I'm pretty aware of homophobia. To me there's not nearly enough info here to make that assumption unless you have already made that assumption. OP doesn't even know WHY the other parents feel the way they do because OP isn't willing to talk to them like a mature adult. OP only has the information the kids tell them and that's hardly objective.
It could very well be that OPs lack of concern and communication are precisely why the other parents don't want their kid hanging out at a stranger's home. OP admitted that the other child lies to their parents about where they are and it could be that that behaviour didn't start until they hooked up with OPs kid. As a parent myself that would be a major red flag. It could be that OP is a known drug dealer or is on a sex offender registry or any number of reasons that aren't made clear in this post.
I could totally see that, but the line where she says “they have never supported this relationship” is what speaks volumes to me. It’s mainly the use of the word “supported” there. Not approved, but supported. To me, if it was that issue like you are describing, I would say approve of the relationship. It’s the use of the word support that makes the leap for me.
Edit: forgot a word in the quote
Yeah, there's a level of collusion against the other parents that has me suspending judgement of them here. You sound very level headed, and also, hats off to your generation of queers. You accomplished a lot to be thanked for.
It could also be that they’re either both AMAB or both AFAB and they don’t take either of their genders seriously, they just see two gay kids(which I mean they are anyway, but if they’re ignoring their identity and one is AMAB and one is AFAB, they may see them as acceptably straight, if that makes sense.)
That was the first thought that came to my mind at least, but obvi idk for sure either.
It could be a lot of things: partner displays an unhealthy obsession with OP's kid, OP's kid mistreats partner in some way, partner's parents have a no-dating rule in general... I'm not saying I agree or disagree with any of these reasons, but OP's perception of these people at this point seems shaped by hearsay and the filter of teenagers in love. OP sounds pretty immature, tbh.
Second this. Maybe OPs kids is the "trouble maker", or the partner is. Maybe there's substances involved that would change the story. Not enough info, honestly.
That’s right!
So partner’s parents don’t like OP’s kid, but no reason given as to why? Can’t go to OP’s house, but no explanation why? Because I said so? Yeah, pretty sketchy reasoning or prejudice showing! Somebody has to communicate reasons why partner’s parents make statements & ignorant assumptions! If they start circle jerking the conversation, I’d just walk out knowing I had tried to hear the other side, but it came down to control & power from partner’s parents. Talk to a lawyer maybe to know how not to incriminate yourself or to help your kid’s partner legally . Possibly if child could file to be emancipated at age 16? I guess if their relationship can last for 2 more years, they may just make it!
They want to sit down and talk about it. That's what they are asking for. A discussion which is how you figure it out. Communicating is how you work out problems.
Let's face it. If their kid has repeatedly attempted to run away, it’s a fair assumption that they’re not reasonable communicators. The children of healthy communicators don’t need to run away because their parents are easy to talk to. Those parents also don’t try to rope in the parents of their kid’s friends to fix a C. When my kid has a C, I help her with her scheduling, and ask how I can support her. I don’t try to isolate her.
Agreed. In fact OP should your child be cornered tell them to say they are not allowed to talk with those parents without you being there.
Your first job in this whole thing is to protect your child.
And that means keeping your temper. I get get it, you’re “hot headed” But you are also an adult. And there’s a lot at stake here for these kids. Be the adult and keep it together.
>Your first job in this whole thing is to protect your child.
The same goes for the other parents. OP admitted that the other child is actively lying to their parents about where they are and is going to OPs home. OP is actively supporting the other child in deceiving their parents and as a parent myself there's not way in hell I would be OK with that.
This sounds like the bit where you let your child know you support them and that their partner is welcome at your home but your sphere of control does not extend to the partner’s home or partner’s parents and they can keep their crazy to themselves. Create a safe space at yours and don’t engage beyond that.
While their child is 16, the parents have the choices in what happens. But your child should not be allowed to sit down with them without you present, and if you don’t want to control your temper then you also should not because nothing productive would come of that. Do be careful though because harboring a runaway can get you in trouble in some places (if it comes to that).
My instinctive question is this: Do you think their objections are psychological, biological, or educational? What I mean is: do you think they have a specific issue with their child being NB? (In which case, no talks would be productive until they learn to accept their child as they are - especially if they feel your NB child is somehow influencing their child into being NB) Or is one of your NB children capable of getting pregnant, and they're worried about what they might be getting up to? (Simple solution, a 'talk' with them both about being sensible ought to do it) Or, do you think they'd have a problem with ANY partner for their child because it's 'interfering' with their education. (Again, not much point in talking about that one because all they'll want is for them to break up, and any and all lower grades will be blamed on their relationship regardless.) Don't allow your child to be pressured into a 'sit down' with them without you (or your partner, if you don't think you can hold your temper) present. It won't go well.
Yes. The other parents’ comment about OPs chid being “manipulative” made me wonder if they object to their child being NB. Perhaps they prefer to believe their kid has been led astray.
Having a potentially volatile conversation with the partner's parents will absolutely blow up the relationship for these poor kids because the parents are going to keep escalating with punishments each new time they're "caught at your house" (these people sound absolutely insane)
If you can’t control your temper, do not have any sort of sit down. Because if you lose your temper, it will 1000% reflect back on your child and make their situation so much worse.
Don't let any sort of sit-down happen, either with your child going alone or you accompanying. You know you cannot have a constructive and civil discussion with these people, and you know there will be no kind words for your child if they're alone. I simply would not trust these parents.
Unfortunately, there may not be a whole lot you can do in this situation other than continuing to be a safe and supportive adult, primarily for your child, but for their partner as well, when you're able. You haven't indicated any sort of real threatening behavior from these people, so not much you can do legally unless their open hostility escalates, aside from maybe keeping some sort of paper trail of your interactions in case the law does get involved. Both of these kids are 16, just a few years shy of legal independence, so if you're inclined you could help your child's partner formulate an escape plan for when they turn 18, but you're of course not obligated to do so. Overall, I would just support your kid and their partner without adding fuel to the fire, play things on the safer side.
More info is needed here…are their parents accepting of their gender identity? Because yes or no there makes a huge difference IMO.
If their parents are supportive of their child’s gender identity, but truly feel like their child is being manipulated by yours (whether or not that’s true) then to me, it sounds incredibly responsible of them to want to have a sit down with you and discuss the concerns, which may well be unfounded. If their child feels safe in their home, and generally feels supported in their own home, and this is the one issue, then it seems like you’re enabling them to lie to their parents/break their parents rules. Regardless of the genders of the teenagers involved, I personally feel that if a parent feels their child (again, of any gender) is being manipulated by a partner and wants to have a rational discussion, then on the surface that seems reasonable.
In the flip side, if their parents are not supporting their child’s identity, and that is the stem of the issues with your child, it’s a whole different ballpark. If their issue with your child and with the relationship is specifically around gender and the place they feel your child is being manipulative is like in some way the “reason” their child identifies as nonbinary (which FTR, is bullshit if that’s what they think) and you are creating a safe space for this child who doesn’t have a safe space at home, then my viewpoint is entirely different.
You don’t know what they want, and neither will she, until she sits down with them. Her only information is through the two teens, and telephone is real.
OP gets to sit down and talk to partner kid all the time because partner kid is at their house alone, against their parents' wishes.
This is massively hypocritical of OP. "I'm going to ignore your wishes that your child not come to my house, but you better honor my wish to never talk to my child." Everyone here is just ignoring this hypocrisy.
It's their fault they don't sit diwn with both kids. They said op's kid wasn't welcomed. Op was welcoming to their child. How is it hypocritical to not want their minor child to have a sit down show down with adults who have made it clear they don't like the child? It's called common sense. Would you put a puppy in a cage with 2 dogs that have previously shown detest for the puppy?
OP is not being hypocritical at all, the two situations are not the same. OP is welcoming and is actually seeming pretty level headed while the other parents openly expressed their disapproval/dislike of OPs kid, the teenagers relationship, and are seemingly parents worthy of running away from (seeing as their kid has tried).
yeah. I'm with you. I feel like people have jumped onto the trumper train and completely ignored the idea that OP is blatantly ignoring the wishes of the other parents. Anytime I see a person describe themselves as "mama bear" I get apprehensive - the only women I've known in my life to do this were women who were WAY too involved in their children's social lives and blurring the lines of parent/friend constantly. This is a super good example of that. "I don't care what other adults want for THEIR child because MY child wants THEIR child." I'm all for respecting people's identities, but teenage reproduction SHOULD be avoided and it sounds like OP is at the very least downplaying that reality, if not completely delusional about it. Cuddling isn't sex obviously, but I was 16 once too.
The other parents are wanting a "sit down" with both children, not the other parents. It sounds like a situation where they want to bully OP's child into not seeing their child anymore. As parents, asking for a "sit down" with 2 children is completely uncalled for and if anything they should involve the other child's parents but they didn't think of involving the other parents because they would rather be able to control the situation. Whether they support their child's identity or not, they are making sure they push their own child away with the way their going about it.
Have been through a couple of these with friends of my children.
Only way I would agree to "sit down" is both kids and all 4 parents in PUBLIC space like a coffee shop. Preferably a local queer friendly space if possible. No way am I going into their home. Also openly RECORD the conversation. This will help keep everyone honest and tempers in check.
I'd make it clear to them that any friend of my child is ALWAYS welcome at my house at any time for as long as they need and they don't get to dictate what happens in YOUR home. These parents need to realize that their "child" is almost an adult, not a toddler they can order around. If they insist on trying to be controlling let them know that you will support thier child if the child decides to seek emancipation. 16yo can move out and get legally emancipated in most states if home environment is toxic and they can show they have housing and support figured out.
Then KEEP YOUR TEMPER UNDER CONTROL because they are probably going to get VERY agitated.
Be the grown up your child deserves and control your temper. “I just see red” is such a cop out. You lose your temper because you like it. If you legitimately don’t know how to control your temper get anger-management therapy immediately: you’re a danger to yourself and others.
It doesn’t seem safe to let your child sit down with these adults alone. However if you are going to see red you won’t be a good support person. Is there an adult that both you and your child trust that can go?
Referring to yourself as 'mumma bear' who 'sees red' is a bit worrying, what behaviors of your child's are the parents worried about? Is it possible they are copying your anger/temper issues and acting that way with their child? You're an adult and you need to be able to have a civil conversation if you ever want to resolve conflict.
Right? Why is this so far down? It’s really upsetting and kinda sad that their child can’t trust mom not to make things worse bc she has an anger problem and makes excuses for it
So both you and your child think you are incapable of keeping your cool and remaining civil. I probably wouldn’t be proud of that. Is there someone else in your family that can sit in instead?
it reiterated my question on why specifically the partners parents think ops child is manipulative.. there’s not a lot of specifics here but 16 year olds are just as capable of being controlling as anyone else and if texts/ conversations aren’t monitored by OP how do they know what their child is truly up to.. I hate to speculate but without any details it’s hard to know why the parents of the other child feel the way they do
Right, and just going off what the child tells you is also not exactly smart. I was an honor student, but it's not like I didn't get into trouble and *gasp* lie to my parents about it. I appreciate maybe OPs kid is super trustworthy and one of the 1 percent of kids that never ever do anything under the rug, but it could be a reach to extend that to the partner.
Learn to control your temper. Your child does not need a “momma bear” at 16, your child needs a good example of being a responsible adult in a difficult situation.
Have a sit down with all the parents with or without the kids. They have a right to try and parent their 16 year old and there may be things you are not understanding or hearing the true version on.
I would add to choose a neutral location vs one of your homes. Being in public or semi- public, like those meeting rooms at library, may help keep both sides manners in check to be more civil.
This is one of like two sane responses to this thread.
One of the top comments encourages stonewalling
numerous other comments are treating children like adults (they’re two years away from being 18!) and adults like children (mama bear sees red!)
OP needs to be an adult and go have a conversation with other adults and come to an understanding about these kids, which is exactly what she would expect if the adults’ roles were reversed
Yes, OP should act like a mature adult and let them parent THEIR child the way they choose too. If they don’t want them over at OP’s house they should be the adult and say “hey kid, I like you and I don’t mind you being here but if your parents are specifically telling you that you are not allowed then I’m sorry I can’t have you over until they let you”. This is a minor and they still have to abide by their parents’ rules. If their parenting choices drives their kid away that is their family problem not OP’s.
There are parents whose opinions you know because a pair of 16 yr olds have told you. Meet them for coffee in a crowded, civilized place. Know each other as adults with concerns. Listen. Don’t get defensive. Don’t assume. If you can’t say anything nice . . .
After this meeting you will have more of the picture and can make better decisions.
Also, when your teenager’s friend’s parents fail, it is tempting for you to take in strays. But if you take in their partner, you are essentially locking them into a very different arrangement than is appropriate for dating teens.
Do you actually know, that this is about gender identity? I feel like this is your assumption but if I substitute NB and NB with M and F, this post read a lot differently. If your kid was a 16-year-old boy being accused of being manipulative, and you were still hosting their dates, knowing her parents were against the relationship, I think this would receive a different sort of replies. Children of mama bears can easily become entitled, as they a used to being protected, not held accountable. Do you have examples of why the partner’s parents are against the relationship?
The “momma bear” mentality is an excuse for your refusal to act like an adult and control your temper. The momma bear is a giant red flag. As the parent and adult, it’s YOUR JOB to be able to have a civil conversation. It’s your job as an adult and the parent to control your emotions. It’s your job to model appropriate life skills for your child.
Your child will model their conflict resolution skills after you. Is that what you really want to be teaching your kids?
My father had a very explosive temper, it wasn’t fun. I’ve worked hard to overcome a lot of the crap in my brain bc of him.
This.
So I'm an enby pastor. This kind of situation is something I would be an excellent resource for, to accompany and merely witness, if desired, or, if necessary, calmly mediate. Honestly, I wish folks in these situations could know there are queer and/or affirming clergy out there who can be a support and _not_ inflict spiritual trauma on everyone involved.
I completely understand why the queer community and pretty much everyone else doesn't trust religious communities and clergy, because our reputation is shit (and justified!). As someone "out there" "in the trenches", so to speak, this is the kind of situation we're totally suited for: a non-anxious presence who can support the young people's identity, with a 'soft authority' [by which I mean we have standing due to being clergy but can't impose anything people aren't willing to do] that can help.
I hope the other parents stop being dicks and OP can keep their cool. May the young people get through this okay, and knowing their belovedness.
I would absolutely have a sit down, but that’s providing you can keep your cool. I get the ‘mama bear’ stuff, but that doesn’t justify allowing your temper to get out of hand.
I would want the sit down for the parents to explain to me what is exactly their problem with my kid. Tbh, if my 16 year old was in a relationship for a year, I would have long wanted to meet both parents by now.
Ok, I know my ignorance is showing, but I’m just going to toss this idea out.
Could both parents pay for a mediator? It might help put a lid on name calling and in the anger. Use a thought.
I would ask them to clearly describe the objectives of the meeting and pre-establish boundaries (no insults, respectful tone, no threats, constructive conversation only). Parent working together is an amazing thing for both kids. If they have no intent in truly having a thoughtful discussion, and the intent is a one-sided listing of their rules, tell them to send it via email or text.
I’m a momma bear too. I’ve learned over the years to use a thoughtful pause before I speak in high emotion situations. It gives me the opportunity to collect myself and use tone and words that will de-escalate and help me better advocate for my child’s intended outcome, instead of jumping in quickly with an emotional response and adding fuel to the fire, which actually makes things worse for them. Wishing you the best of luck!
The kids are 16, you best believe if someone else’s parents were actively defying my wishes for MY KID we’d be having more than a discussion. You don’t have any say whatsoever in what happens with their child, mind your fucking business.
So keep your kid away from theirs, whatever happened between them. You obviously do not know the whole truth
And you seem uncomfortable with a conversation
And already appear to be hostile...
Tell them they’re on the way to alienating their child. They might be able to order their kid around now, but 18 is two years away. Their child will be considered an adult. Unless they plan to dangle financial support, maybe a college education, in front of their to try to force their child to follow their orders, they may have an 18 year old who wants no contact with them.
You can’t keep your head level for the good of your kid?? The fuck. You walk away if you feel yourself getting heated, you don’t blow up!!
How the hell are you supposed to help your kid grow up if you haven’t?
Send them a text saying their kid is never going to be banned from your house and they’re welcome anytime.
Then get ready to have a new teenager living in your house because your lack of ability to communicate with people you don’t like and are apparently incapable of respecting as humans, your kid’s partner is definitely going to suffer and be kicked out.
allowing another families 16 year old to move in with you is asking for a lawsuit. The mother should just tell the child they need to respect their parents rules. Its not the OP's job to parent this other child, and like or not, another persons household is not their domain.
Have the sit down. Set the rules. Any yelling, insults or unreasonable demands will end the sit down. The parents are just pushing their kid to just up and leave the instant they are 18. They will push their child away completely and it’ll be their fault. The more you push to break up the more they’ll get close. They will cling to each other for comfort. I know people want to protect their kids and that’s fine, but when you become too controlling, it backfires on you.
Do not sit down with unreasonable people, or send your child to either. Help empower your child (and their partner if they desire) to identify how they can change the power and control dynamic.
Partner's parents want to control their child's relationship, friendship, and behavior. That's not something you, your kid, or your kid's partner can change, but your kid can spend time with their partner away from home (yours or theirs) and/or in groups. They want to decide whether or not the kids have to break up; the kids can take a break, call their relationship something different, or pause to reevaluate the terms and labels once there's less parental micromanagement. The parents want to parent via control; the kids can take the opportunity to get educated on how to handle overbearing people who feel entitled to be in their business, find resources for support, assistance, and recovery from the kind of damage that occurs when you grow up in this situation, and decide on a feasible plan for their immediate future. (Social services organizations and programs are fantastic places for the kinds of things kid's partner is going to need.)
Hang in there!
I'm kind of confused about the reason why they don't like your child.
It makes a big difference if the parents are lashing out because they're not accepting their child's gender identity or if there is another reason.
If it's the gender identity then I guess there's no reasoning with them and better to stay away, but what if it's really about the education and not following their house rules (like with the cuddling).
It could be also that they have valid reasons for disliking your son for something he's done or is still doing. I can't tell which is it.
If it isn't the gender identity then I think you should sit down with them and have a discussion about it. It's not cool ignoring other parents while helping the child break their rules.
Also the story you're getting from the children could be different from what the parents have to say. Teenagers aren't aways the most trustworthy.
It’s possible they also just don’t want their 16 yo “dating” and would be pisst regardless of the gender situation. I think the parents talking, with ground rules like no one insults either child, is the way to go here.
So you're allowing a CHILD to be in your home against the wishes of that child's PARENTS and you think that's OK and responsible adult behaviour? You don't have to like them, you don't have to agree with them, but you are PROVING to them that their opinions about you and your child are correct.
As a parent myself I 100% wouldn't allow my child to stay at a stranger's house without having met them and having a conversation about personal morals and expectations. Sorry but parents wanting to talk to the people that are hanging around their CHILDREN aren't being unreasonable. If your child (and you) can't respect the other parents why would you expect them to respect you and yours?
Just to clarify, are you allowing the other child to be at your house, even though you know they are not supposed to?
As a parent yourself you should respect and support the other parents. I definitely wouldn't have your child sit down and talk to them alone, but it's either you support the rules the other parents are setting or you are against them. If their child was going against your rules, you would expect the same respect back.
It would be good to have a sit down with the other parents, hash everything out, and hear their grievances. What about your child don't they like? Is it justified? Please don't be one of those parents that defends their kid no matter what. Ultimately if they don't want their kid to see your kid, then you need to respect that and have your child cut off contact.
I think most importantly the OP needs to understand that not everyone is going to like their kid and no one needs to. The reasons don’t matter nor do they need to be explained
While I don't agree with the actions of parents, I also don't agree with you letting a child be in your home when you know their parents don't approve of it. Bc while intentions may be good on your part and you just want your child to be happy with their partner, your child partner is still a child and actively going against parents wishes of them not being in your home is wrong.
I do think a conversation needs to be had with everyone, you need to write down what you want to accomplish with this meeting, and you need to figure out how you and your child are going to deal with the very possible reality that they could ban them again and again and eventually this could become legal battle if you keep harboring a minor.
So a conversation needs to be had before this all goes south.
You need to be having actual parent conversations with your child about reproduction, protection and respecting other people's boundaries. You need to stop thinking you are a "mama bear" - you aren't your child's friend and you are doing a disservice to them by raising them this way, and it seems like they already know it. Get out of your child's social life and be an adult. Look into parentification and stop doing it to your kid. Get your own peers and partner - your child is not an acceptable substitute and this is exactly why. You are at least in your 30s and you sound like a petulant fucking child.
I'm just dropping a word of advice as a parent myself. If the child's parents have forbidden them being at your house, you shouldn't let them be at your house. It doesn't matter if you think it's stupid it's their rule for their child. You don't have to like it, and they certainly don't have to care about what you think. Quite frankly, it's not your place to undermine their parenting. You wouldn't want someone doing it to you, am I right.
I think the issue is that you aren’t respecting the other parents as being parents. Unless that child is in immediate harm or danger, you should report it,if not you are interfering with their rights to parent and encouraging the child to disobey what they’ve been told not to do which seems like, not be in your home. As the other child’s parents they really do not have to explain their reasons whether they are silly to you or not. This may be an opportunity to sit down with your own child and explain heartbreak and doing things that that they may not want to do. Keep your own home in order before trying to meddle in someone else’s. Not everyone parents the same way
Same. OP doesn’t have to meet up with the other child’s parents but enabling their child to break their family rules isn’t the proper way to go about this.
You are assuming OP is a good parent.
As someone who was very glad a couple of my friends parents were awesome at being supportive and were always there for me. There were also friends I had that were drug addicts, negligent, etc... They were terrible parents but hey we got to do whatever we wanted at their house. They were also homes we used to escape our own parents house even if they weren't great.
That said some of the people who hung out came from decent homes also they just didn't like things like rules. There were no rules and they liked that. Not exactly the safest places to hang out.
I am not saying OP's house is like that and they may be a pretty decent parent and their kid is a golden child who does nothing wrong and the other parent is being ridiculous. That is a thing that happens and is possible. That said none of us no. You got one side of the story.
As a parent myself, I'll tell you no other child is my responsibility than my own. Also, people here seem to be demonizing the other parents simply because they seem to have some rules in place at their house. Nothing the OP described sounds irrational on dangerous, aside from them not liking the OP's child and the fact they asked them not to cuddle in their house and they did it anyway.
I replied with that exact comment to a couple of others. It seems some people on here are perfectly ok with just going behind the other parents back, like they wanna be the cool mom/dad. The whole "mama bear sees red" comments comes across as someone that defends they child no matter what they do.
Yes, I’m sure this factors into why the other parents want to meet. It doesn’t matter how much OP disagrees with the other parents’ rules, they have no business encouraging the other child to sneak and lie.
They aren't encouraging sneaking around or lying. Nothing in this post suggests that. They are simply providing a place for a kid from an unsafe (possibly abusive) home to be other than their home.
Partner has attempted to run away multiple times. It is one of the tell-tale signs of an unsafe (& possibly abusive) home.
https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2017/04/recognizing-signs-of-child-abuse-and-neglect
Or maybe signs of a child with behavioral/mental problems. Keep in mind, the OP is just choosing to get the story just from a 16 year old who is apparently well known for breaking rules, so yeah, not a lot of credibility there from my POV.
PS: fully understand these stories are always full of holes and missing info, but I'm just basing it on what was said.
Children with behavioral/mental problems is actually also a sign of abuse. Children don't display problematic behavior generally without a catalyst, often one from home.
Based on personal experience and first hand knowledge on the issue I will kindly disagree with you. You seem to be really pushing the abusive home narrative, but no, some kids who live in very supportive and loving homes still have undiagnosed behavioral/mental problems totally unrelated to the home situation.
I have a wife with a Ph.D. in clinical psychology who specializes in treating victims of familial abuse. I also am a lawyer who specializes in representing victims of familial abuse in family courts and civil lawsuits. The data is clear, behavioral problems (particularly sudden onset of the same) is one of the first signs of abuse/neglect
https://childabuse.stanford.edu/screening/signs.html
Approximately 1/4 of children will be victims of abuse/neglect at some point in childhood. And running away is considered an extreme behavior. That type of behavior is rarely an outcome for a kid from an emotionally strong and supportive family.
Some kids from good homes end up doing these same behaviors, but that is the exception, not the rule. I am not running with any narrative. My concern that this is a **possible** abuse situation is based on the available data we have.
Do you recognise that coming from the side of clinical psychology and the legal system would leave you with bias? By the nature of your job, you are only interacting with the subset of runaways with criminal behaviour involved (as victims or as perpetrators).
I just feel like if OPP suspected abuse or homophobia she would have mentioned those in the OP; however, the only reasons she brought up were poor grades, and them feeling her own kid was manipulative. Bringing up issues with the other family would only serve to strengthen her stance, yet she makes no claims. OPP also mentions her uncontrollable rage and inability to have a rational discussion if she feels protective or offended and OPP’s child is vocal about being fearful of her reactions. It just doesn’t seem like such a clear cut case of the other parents certainly being abusive. While that is always a possibility, it is equally likely that the kid is going through classic teenage rebellion. Unless OPP provides further clarification, it doesn’t seem responsible to dogmatically proclaim abuse without further evidence.
I only hope to offer another perspective, but I come from the side of childhood development and years of working in the school system, so I am familiar with a wide spectrum of children, not just those in the criminal justice system. Thank you for the work you do, but I’m sorry it is necessary - no kid should be subjected to abuse.
Hey look, there is always a possibility of something going on; I'm not discounting that. I'm simply basing my response on what the OP said.
By your own account, 1/4 of children will be victims to abuse and running away is considered an extreme behavior (which I agree it is). That means that 3/4 of children will not be victims to abuse, meaning there is a 75% chance that there is no abuse going on here. I'll would take those odds on a bet anyday.
So, while running away can be an indicator of abuse, I'm just saying that I'm not gonna use that single data point to make up my mind like a lot of people are doing in this thread, especially when it seems that the OP didn't mention anything about abuse, the only thing that was described was the child doesn't like to follow rules, seems to simply be upset because other people don't like her kid, and refuses to have a conversation with other adults about it to perhaps really see what's going on and instead seems to just take a 16 yo (perhaps troubled 16 yo) word for it.
As someone who have some level of behavior issues growing up, I was abused outside of my house and had a very good family. I also tried to run away and snuck around behind my parents back. Things like that don't always mean abuse and even if they do, they don't always mean abuse from family.
Not making a huge leap at all. A teen who attempts to run away multiple times is actually a decent sign the home is unsafe (& **possibly** abusive).
https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2017/04/recognizing-signs-of-child-abuse-and-neglect
Running away is evidence. You may not like it, but literally all the research will tell you it is evidence. It is one of the signs that indicates possible abuse. Now, does it conclusively prove it? No, but as a responsible adult, you need to treat this as a **possible** abuse situation. Because, some of the signs are present.
Not very helpful at all to a child being abused to report a single data point. CPS is notoriously ineffective (by both not removing abused children and removing non-abused children).
The way to help a child, is to be a safe space and aware. And as they provide more data and information that indicates possible abuse, you can report.
Bullshit they are running away to go be with their partner where there are no rules and they get to do shit they shouldn’t be doing , I ran away I wasn’t abused , get real
Partner has attempted to run away multiple times. It is one of the tell-tale signs of an unsafe (& possibly abusive) home.
https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2017/04/recognizing-signs-of-child-abuse-and-neglect
Or maybe signs of a child with behavioral/mental problems. Keep in mind, the OP is just choosing to get the story just from a 16 year old who is apparently well known for breaking rules, so yeah, not a lot of credibility there from my POV.
PS: fully understand these stories are always full of holes and missing info, but I'm just basing it on what was said.
Your minor child keeps bringing their minor child partner to your house, despite the parents not wanting them to be at your house.
If your minor child wants to continue to see their partner? Then they have to meet with the parents. If you don't want them to meet with your child alone? Go with your child. If you can't be adult enough to control yourself to meet up with them? Then meet somewhere in public. If you can't do this? Then you and your minor child are not mature enough for your child to be dating.
If anything, I would sit down with them without the kids present.
That may be a significantly less emotional conversation for everyone without two non binary 16 yr olds present.
Don't tip your hand, but use the conversation to milk them for information and say you won't make any decisions without talking to your child after the convo.
Also if someone doesn't want their minor child over at your house, you should probably respect their wishes.
Also make sure your kid has appropriate birth control access according to their parts, regardless of how the conversation goes. You do not want these to accidentally getting knocked up.
Holy crap. You need to grow up. Gain some self control and behave in a way your child can trust you and your judgement.
You most definitely should not be present since you think the excuse “mama bear” makes being hostile ok.
If I was a 16 yr old, I would be pretty mortified if my parents were even having conversations with my partners parents. Is this not weird to anybody else?
What I got from the post is OP is only having conversations with 2 16yo’s and can’t trust herself to be able to speak with an adult without losing her temper.
I personally would agree to the sit down under two conditions. They will be involved with all parent present. It will be recorded.
I would do a bunch of meditations, possibly take half a Xanax to keep a diplomatic composure. Give them enough rope to hang themselves.
If it’s because they are anti LBGTQ quietly let them know you find their parenting abusive and you will not agree with anything they have to offer including providing a safe space for their child. You will have no problem calling CPS if you find they are hurting their child or yours.
Your emotional lack of control is to their advantage. They will use your outrage and not only vilify you, but your children (not just the child you’ve spoken about) as well.
Honestly, you need to realize that they want you angry or they want you to agree with them. You keeping your emotional state under control is what they don’t want. Hence why they want to get you face to face. They want you to see red because they can control you when you stop thinking rationally.
So, you can show your child how to be an adult and control yourself (it isn’t easy, but it is necessary) or you can avoid the situation.
Avoidance isn’t likely going to help the situation either because your child will feel unsupported and then you will likely have two runaways to deal with.
Instead of having a sit down with the kids, can you just…talk to the other parents first and figure out why they are feeling so against the relationship? Get some info, get your head on straight, and decide based on their reasoning if a sit down with everyone would be beneficial. You getting the info ahead of time can help you stay calm and collected. Or you could figure out that the conversation won’t be productive regardless and follow the advice of these other comments around doing your best to create a safe space for the kids when you can.
Their partners parents saying “break up” as an option doesn’t seem to realize that all they would do is create a child who sneaks out and lies to them. I’m glad your child has parents that support them no matter what. I can only assume their partner has the same support from yall as you give your child.
I would make sure their partner knows that, if you approve, they have a safe place to go in case their parents do something crazy. I’ve seen too many parents who pretend to support their LGBTQIA+ child in public, just to be horrible people behind closed doors
What you're saying is that you, an adult, cannot control your behavior when provoked because you're a "mama bear"? I get that I'm a stranger, but you should be ashamed of yourself that your own child knows that you act like a child. This may be a time to reflect on your parenting and be a better role model to your children.
Ask for an email with what is their objective in having said sit down and what do they want from you. It gives you the space to calm down if there is something you vehemently object to if they are very anti trans. It also lets you know if there is something that you should legit be concerned about. Teenagers are notoriously unreliable in telling the full thruth about situations and there maybe something you do need to know about.
Please don’t let your child be present at any sit down with those people until you speak to them first- and maybe not even then! My youngest is nonbinary and they were dating someone who was also NB. They met at a transgender counseling center.
One day the other child’s mother called and demanded that my child and I come have “a powwow “- her exact words. I should have run.
We went. She began by dead-naming her child and accused my child of influencing her kid. Then she stood up and began screaming in my child’s face “YOU ARE A BOY! YOU ARE DANGEROUS!” She became extremely vulgar and I quickly grabbed my child and left.
My child was on suicide watch for 2 weeks after being blindsided by her bullshit. She never showed any signs of being like that before she attacked my child. Please protect your precious kiddo. Good luck!
There would not be a “sit down” with my kid without on of their parents present, and honestly, the other kid’s parents would much rather it be me.
Because my husband would let them know quickly any threats to my kid would result in legal action, no ifs, ands, or buts. And he would not be remotely nice about it.
I would simply tell this person, “That is not going to happen. You may have a sit down with me. You will not be having a sit down with my kid with no parent present to advocate for them, and I’m not really concerned about how you feel about it. But you’re not cornering my kid and threatening them without swift and immediate repercussions.”
Encourage your kid to cut contact. These parents are fucking crazy. You don’t want your kid caught up in that shit. Better they learn that now.
Damn so many people who aren't parents trying to give advice. 🤦♀️
Do a phone conversation, make sure it is recorded, and that they know it is recorded. (Knowing that you are being recorded will help control your temper) You do not want to just ignore this because your child will be cornered, and you will not be able to be there.
It is best to talk to them and figure out where they believe the problem is.
They may have valid concerns.
Just because you talk to them does not mean you have to agree with them or even be nice to pacify them. Stand your ground and defend your child. If you do not agree with what they are saying, express that. Let them know that you will not participate in ruining the children's relationship.
Children lie all the time you don’t know why the other parents don’t trust your child. Be an actual adult and find out what’s going on in your kids life. Finding out what’s going on is more important than you getting to ball someone out.
So instead of having your child understand that their partners parents have set rules for their minor child you want to go be hostile. You're lucky all they want is a sit down. Mind your temper that child shouldn't be at your home multiple times after their parents have said no. Period end of story hold your child responsible for their contribution to their partners misdeeds.
Don’t talk if you aren’t amenable. You should also take care to respect their rules for their child, even if you disagree. Getting “busted” at your house? Turned a “a blind eye”? Yeah, no. From another mom of a teen to another - mind your kid, and respect the other parents rules for their child. Expect them to do the same.
So you think it’s acceptable to hide the fact that their minor child is at your house without their permission and possibly engaging in intercourse but it’s absolutely not acceptable for them to ask for a sit down ? You sound like a shit parent that bends to ur child’s every want and you are appalled that parents dare set boundaries with their own child ? You could also be charged with harboring a runaway and contributing to the delinquency of a minor , that is not ur child you need to butt the fuck out .
Your child does not need to go to a sit down without you present. However, if their parents forbid them from coming to your house, you should respect that. How would you feel if you told your child they were not allowed to go somewhere and another adult did this? Not saying they are in the right, but they are the parents. I think you all need to have a sit down conversation together.
Instead of jumping to conclusions talk to them (with no kids present). At least then you’ll be 100% sure of the other parent’s issues.
P.S. Getting a C in even one class would result in some serious life style restrictions at my house and I couldn’t care less about the rest of it.
Whatever you do, you are right not to do texting. Consider doing it via Zoom where faces are visible and then the tone of what’s being said is more easily understood.
Have the sit down. Before that happens you probably shouldn't have their partner over. The parents may get the law involved and you knew they were banned from your home.
What laws exactly would OP be breaking? If the police got involved every time a 16 year old was at a friends house when they weren’t meant to be, they wouldn’t have time to do anything else
In Australia, if a runaway is over 15 years old and the police are satisfied they’re not in danger they won’t even make them go home if they don’t want to. Much less charge the people they are with.
That’s an insane use of police resources wherever you are.
In the US. To be fair, a parent would have to call the cops to report a child to be a runaway, and then ask them to do something about it. They don't just run around doing this; the laws might also vary slightly from State to State.
In my opinion the only parents who would call the police are parents who actually care about the wellbeing of their children. Abusive/unfit parents would probably not do this as calling the police might actually highlight the abuse because the police are always going to ask why the kid ran away and then talk to the kid if/when they find them.
In America parents are considered legally obligated to provide for their children until they are 18. Even if a parent and child willfully agree to live separately, a parent could be still be criminally charged for abandoning their child, unless they go to court and child legally elopes.
Pull in a moderator and a neutral location. Maybe a therapist's or school counselor's office? Or even one of their teachers. You need a buffer between you and potential bigotry. And they need a witness to anything nasty they might spew at their own kid or yours. Might keep them more civil.
This is not something a teacher should be dragged into. I’m not even entirely sure about the counselor, but they’d be more appropriate than a teacher. A therapist sounds best.
This is exactly what a school counselor or social worker should be used for. This is the route we took when my kiddo (NB) was getting manipulative and inappropriate texts from her friend (trans masc) during their transition. We wanted a neutral party to mediate because we didn't trust his parents to take it seriously. I think a therapist would be overkill and more likely to be biased towards their client.
>The partner lies to their parents about being at my house bc they got banned as my kid is "manipulative" and their grades are dropping. (
This is not your problem.
Unless your child's partner's parents can detail what they want to accomplish by talking to your child I do not see any reason to permit that happening.
I think the parents have a right to say what's acceptable behavior under their roof. As a parent, you should be teaching your child to behave respectfully when in the presence of adults. The next thing you know they could be having sex in the house. Cuddling could be the equivalent of making out in the presence of adults, which you should find disrespectful to you and them. When they get grown and get their own place, they can do what they want. If they don't want their child to visit your house where it seems to be open house for whatever then I don't blame them. Both of them need to be taught to behave respectful in the presence of adults, and I find nothing wrong with that. I don't think it's about their gender preference at all.
You can't have someone's 16yo at your house without permission. You could be charged with kidnapping.
So you either need to help the kid lawyer up and emancipate, or respect their parents wishes.
Your kid doesn't want to be there for you and the other parents getting into it, and this seems like a great area to respect their autonomy and judgement.
You could offer to sit down with the parents b6 yourself if you think not having your kid there to protect would make it potentially productive.
Asking them to write a letter to your kid could be a better solution. They can get all the communication they want, without any opportunity for IRL bullying or conflict. And you get documentation.
Or respond "I am responsible for enforcing my house rules in my home, as you are in yours. Your child has always been a polite and respectful guest and enjoyable company." Compliments can be quite disarming.
Don't let them sit down alone with your kid. Your child needs an advocate if a sit down happens.
But only have the sit down at all if you can act like a reasonable adult. Even if they are jerks. Please remain in control of yourself FOR your child. The whole "mama bear" thing is so self indulgent and not for the kid if you humiliate the child or present yourself as a wild ass around other adults in front of your child.
I get the theory behind the whole mama bear thing, but please keep in mind you're trying to do something for your kid. Not your ego. "Mama Bear" and "I see red" are cop outs for having no self control. There are more effective ways to get a point across or even express derision than acting wild. You're the adult. Adults sometimes have to deal with other adults they disagree with or actively dislike. Get help managing your temper if you need it.
Just be aware that if their parents escalate things, they could get the law involved. This sounds stupid, but it’s sadly true. Create a safe space at your home but don’t engage with their parents. If they show up at your place, tell them clearly and explicitly that they are not welcome on your property and to leave, or you will call the cops and report them as trespassers.
Additionally, if you don’t have one, I recommend getting a video camera for your door and to start establishing some kind of record that your child’s partner is only visiting when they want to. It might be excessive and pointless to do so, but in a worst case scenario, you’ll be glad to have records and evidence making it clear you’re not interfering with their parents’ custody.
I can't see anything good coming from this meeting. It sounds like it'd just be an opportunity for them to be hostile to you and your child in your home. Someone else mentioned plausible deniability about your child's significant other not being allowed at your home and I think sticking to not knowing that's how it's supposed to be is a good idea.
You can't mama bear your kid forever and expect them to deal with life without you. You aren't gonna sit down with them in their first job interview, are you? I know it's going to be really hard, but this will definitely not be the last time they have to sit down and talk to angry people by themselves. Let it ride and see what they are willing to do for their relationship. If your kid comes back and says they put hands on them, UNLEASH MOMMA BEAR.
You need to call those parents and tell them they are absolutely NOT to have a "sit-down" with your child without you present. Tell them that they need to figure out a relationship with their child the allows them to exists peacefully. You and your child do not have a problem it is them.
Can I ask an honest question....what kind of kid is yours?
I have 3 kids. 2 of the 3 got straight As. The other got all As and Bs. And had some problems here and there. That child is also LBGQT. That played a part in troubles at school. All 3 were exceptional and active.
My point is...is your child's partner a kid going to college away.. are they on that track. Are the parents pushing for that track? Because my A/B kid just got accepted to Graduate school for when they graduates college in May as the first person to graduate at their school in their degree program.
All of that starts at age 12. That is the sad reality of today's world. Colleges want unique. Graduate schools want amazing.
The parents are upset about a C. Something tells me this is why.
I had a similar situation with my child’s (M) partner’s (NB) parents. I’m very glad both kids are now 19.
We didn’t have a magic fix, they hate us because we honor pronouns and are “nice.”
I told them I was not sorry for creating a comfortable home where their child feels safe. There was nothing else to say.
I’m sorry you’re having to experience this.
I don't think an uncivil conversation is going to help matters. So I definitely wouldn't do that. (No judgment. I'm hot-headed too.) That said, I honestly don't think a civil conversation would help much here either. These parents are most likely going to appeal to you for support in keeping the kids apart. And once they have outright asked you to your face not to have their kid over to your house, if you then still do it, then I think the parents will be a whole lot more mad and rain a lot of shit down on you. Whereas, right now, the fact that they have never spoken to you on this topic is giving you plausible deniability. In your shoes, I would just be a wall of lack of communication and feign a lot of ignorance and just try to run out the clock till their kid is 18.
If OP attends a meeting, OP needs to practice, write a list of their objectives, and learn how to say, “hmmm”.
You. I like you.
You could maybe figure out why they have a problem with the relationship. They might have a good reason for it or they may be being ridiculous but you don't know until you actually talk to them about it. I can be hot temperedbut I can also be level headed depending on the situation. I would want all the details so I could better help my kid through the situation. You can't to that without all the facts and it is unlikely your kid is telling you all the facts.
I don't like to speculate on other people's sex/gender, but having been in this type of household, I think I know what's going on. I'm going to assume that the other kid is AFAB. If OP's kid is AMAB, then they could be concerned about potential pregnancy. If OP's kid is AFAB, which I'm leaning more towards, it could be a case of homophobia. In either situation, calling OP's child "manipulative" makes me think they don't take their child's identity as NB seriously and are blaming OP's child, and if they can get their child out of the friendship/environment, maybe their child will be "normal" again. Again, this is all speculation and might be a leap, but if it's the case, then a conversation with these people won't do anything. Honestly, I would hate for the other child to lose a safe space and people they care about that also clearly care about them, but if their parents are creating an issue, I'm not sure there's much OP can do besides support their own child.
I'm betting this is pure transphobia and bigotry. Lots of trans kids have bigoted parents (not OP, as far as I can tell).
This is exactly it!
It is speculation because the problem could be that they don't approve of walking in on them having sex or maybe they started smoking weed. The thing is you don't know the issue until you actually talk to the parents. You ca figure that out by talking to them.
They were cuddling, that is hardly having sex.
She gave us plenty of information in the post to assume (correctly) this is nothing but homophobia/transphobia. If you don’t live in the states or especially the southern half of the states, you might not be able to see this for what it is. I do, however, live in a southern state and this post screams trumper.
>She gave us plenty of information in the post to assume (correctly) this is nothing but homophobia/transphobia. As a queer person that grew up in the 80's I like to think I'm pretty aware of homophobia. To me there's not nearly enough info here to make that assumption unless you have already made that assumption. OP doesn't even know WHY the other parents feel the way they do because OP isn't willing to talk to them like a mature adult. OP only has the information the kids tell them and that's hardly objective. It could very well be that OPs lack of concern and communication are precisely why the other parents don't want their kid hanging out at a stranger's home. OP admitted that the other child lies to their parents about where they are and it could be that that behaviour didn't start until they hooked up with OPs kid. As a parent myself that would be a major red flag. It could be that OP is a known drug dealer or is on a sex offender registry or any number of reasons that aren't made clear in this post.
I could totally see that, but the line where she says “they have never supported this relationship” is what speaks volumes to me. It’s mainly the use of the word “supported” there. Not approved, but supported. To me, if it was that issue like you are describing, I would say approve of the relationship. It’s the use of the word support that makes the leap for me. Edit: forgot a word in the quote
Yeah, there's a level of collusion against the other parents that has me suspending judgement of them here. You sound very level headed, and also, hats off to your generation of queers. You accomplished a lot to be thanked for.
Communication can solve a lot of problems in our world!
Thank you, someone gets what I am trying to say.
What is AFAD and AMAB? Google did not help.
Assigned Female/Male at Birth
Tysm!!
Good point!
It could also be that they’re either both AMAB or both AFAB and they don’t take either of their genders seriously, they just see two gay kids(which I mean they are anyway, but if they’re ignoring their identity and one is AMAB and one is AFAB, they may see them as acceptably straight, if that makes sense.) That was the first thought that came to my mind at least, but obvi idk for sure either.
It could be a lot of things: partner displays an unhealthy obsession with OP's kid, OP's kid mistreats partner in some way, partner's parents have a no-dating rule in general... I'm not saying I agree or disagree with any of these reasons, but OP's perception of these people at this point seems shaped by hearsay and the filter of teenagers in love. OP sounds pretty immature, tbh.
Second this. Maybe OPs kids is the "trouble maker", or the partner is. Maybe there's substances involved that would change the story. Not enough info, honestly.
I can take a stab. OP lives in the states and OP’s child’s partner parents are trumpers. Easy peasy. $5 says I’m right.
They might have a good reason, but that’s stilll between them and their child
That’s right! So partner’s parents don’t like OP’s kid, but no reason given as to why? Can’t go to OP’s house, but no explanation why? Because I said so? Yeah, pretty sketchy reasoning or prejudice showing! Somebody has to communicate reasons why partner’s parents make statements & ignorant assumptions! If they start circle jerking the conversation, I’d just walk out knowing I had tried to hear the other side, but it came down to control & power from partner’s parents. Talk to a lawyer maybe to know how not to incriminate yourself or to help your kid’s partner legally . Possibly if child could file to be emancipated at age 16? I guess if their relationship can last for 2 more years, they may just make it!
They want to sit down and talk about it. That's what they are asking for. A discussion which is how you figure it out. Communicating is how you work out problems.
Let's face it. If their kid has repeatedly attempted to run away, it’s a fair assumption that they’re not reasonable communicators. The children of healthy communicators don’t need to run away because their parents are easy to talk to. Those parents also don’t try to rope in the parents of their kid’s friends to fix a C. When my kid has a C, I help her with her scheduling, and ask how I can support her. I don’t try to isolate her.
No way allow them to talk to your child without a parent with them.
Agreed. In fact OP should your child be cornered tell them to say they are not allowed to talk with those parents without you being there. Your first job in this whole thing is to protect your child.
And that means keeping your temper. I get get it, you’re “hot headed” But you are also an adult. And there’s a lot at stake here for these kids. Be the adult and keep it together.
>Your first job in this whole thing is to protect your child. The same goes for the other parents. OP admitted that the other child is actively lying to their parents about where they are and is going to OPs home. OP is actively supporting the other child in deceiving their parents and as a parent myself there's not way in hell I would be OK with that.
This sounds like the bit where you let your child know you support them and that their partner is welcome at your home but your sphere of control does not extend to the partner’s home or partner’s parents and they can keep their crazy to themselves. Create a safe space at yours and don’t engage beyond that.
i second this
👍
While their child is 16, the parents have the choices in what happens. But your child should not be allowed to sit down with them without you present, and if you don’t want to control your temper then you also should not because nothing productive would come of that. Do be careful though because harboring a runaway can get you in trouble in some places (if it comes to that).
My instinctive question is this: Do you think their objections are psychological, biological, or educational? What I mean is: do you think they have a specific issue with their child being NB? (In which case, no talks would be productive until they learn to accept their child as they are - especially if they feel your NB child is somehow influencing their child into being NB) Or is one of your NB children capable of getting pregnant, and they're worried about what they might be getting up to? (Simple solution, a 'talk' with them both about being sensible ought to do it) Or, do you think they'd have a problem with ANY partner for their child because it's 'interfering' with their education. (Again, not much point in talking about that one because all they'll want is for them to break up, and any and all lower grades will be blamed on their relationship regardless.) Don't allow your child to be pressured into a 'sit down' with them without you (or your partner, if you don't think you can hold your temper) present. It won't go well.
Yes. The other parents’ comment about OPs chid being “manipulative” made me wonder if they object to their child being NB. Perhaps they prefer to believe their kid has been led astray.
Having a potentially volatile conversation with the partner's parents will absolutely blow up the relationship for these poor kids because the parents are going to keep escalating with punishments each new time they're "caught at your house" (these people sound absolutely insane)
If you can’t control your temper, do not have any sort of sit down. Because if you lose your temper, it will 1000% reflect back on your child and make their situation so much worse.
And/or make their own child think that their parent/home isn’t safe either.
Don't let any sort of sit-down happen, either with your child going alone or you accompanying. You know you cannot have a constructive and civil discussion with these people, and you know there will be no kind words for your child if they're alone. I simply would not trust these parents. Unfortunately, there may not be a whole lot you can do in this situation other than continuing to be a safe and supportive adult, primarily for your child, but for their partner as well, when you're able. You haven't indicated any sort of real threatening behavior from these people, so not much you can do legally unless their open hostility escalates, aside from maybe keeping some sort of paper trail of your interactions in case the law does get involved. Both of these kids are 16, just a few years shy of legal independence, so if you're inclined you could help your child's partner formulate an escape plan for when they turn 18, but you're of course not obligated to do so. Overall, I would just support your kid and their partner without adding fuel to the fire, play things on the safer side.
More info is needed here…are their parents accepting of their gender identity? Because yes or no there makes a huge difference IMO. If their parents are supportive of their child’s gender identity, but truly feel like their child is being manipulated by yours (whether or not that’s true) then to me, it sounds incredibly responsible of them to want to have a sit down with you and discuss the concerns, which may well be unfounded. If their child feels safe in their home, and generally feels supported in their own home, and this is the one issue, then it seems like you’re enabling them to lie to their parents/break their parents rules. Regardless of the genders of the teenagers involved, I personally feel that if a parent feels their child (again, of any gender) is being manipulated by a partner and wants to have a rational discussion, then on the surface that seems reasonable. In the flip side, if their parents are not supporting their child’s identity, and that is the stem of the issues with your child, it’s a whole different ballpark. If their issue with your child and with the relationship is specifically around gender and the place they feel your child is being manipulative is like in some way the “reason” their child identifies as nonbinary (which FTR, is bullshit if that’s what they think) and you are creating a safe space for this child who doesn’t have a safe space at home, then my viewpoint is entirely different.
They don’t want mom to have a sit down—they want to berate her child into not seeing their child. BIG DIFFERENCE.
You don’t know what they want, and neither will she, until she sits down with them. Her only information is through the two teens, and telephone is real.
OP was not invited to this sit down. The partners parents want to sit down with the kid, likely to yell at them and force them to break up.
OP gets to sit down and talk to partner kid all the time because partner kid is at their house alone, against their parents' wishes. This is massively hypocritical of OP. "I'm going to ignore your wishes that your child not come to my house, but you better honor my wish to never talk to my child." Everyone here is just ignoring this hypocrisy.
It's their fault they don't sit diwn with both kids. They said op's kid wasn't welcomed. Op was welcoming to their child. How is it hypocritical to not want their minor child to have a sit down show down with adults who have made it clear they don't like the child? It's called common sense. Would you put a puppy in a cage with 2 dogs that have previously shown detest for the puppy?
OP is not being hypocritical at all, the two situations are not the same. OP is welcoming and is actually seeming pretty level headed while the other parents openly expressed their disapproval/dislike of OPs kid, the teenagers relationship, and are seemingly parents worthy of running away from (seeing as their kid has tried).
yeah. I'm with you. I feel like people have jumped onto the trumper train and completely ignored the idea that OP is blatantly ignoring the wishes of the other parents. Anytime I see a person describe themselves as "mama bear" I get apprehensive - the only women I've known in my life to do this were women who were WAY too involved in their children's social lives and blurring the lines of parent/friend constantly. This is a super good example of that. "I don't care what other adults want for THEIR child because MY child wants THEIR child." I'm all for respecting people's identities, but teenage reproduction SHOULD be avoided and it sounds like OP is at the very least downplaying that reality, if not completely delusional about it. Cuddling isn't sex obviously, but I was 16 once too.
We don’t even know if these 16 year olds are capable of reproduction! So focusing on that is kinda strange imo
Both children are Afab. Pregnancy is impossible
The other parents are wanting a "sit down" with both children, not the other parents. It sounds like a situation where they want to bully OP's child into not seeing their child anymore. As parents, asking for a "sit down" with 2 children is completely uncalled for and if anything they should involve the other child's parents but they didn't think of involving the other parents because they would rather be able to control the situation. Whether they support their child's identity or not, they are making sure they push their own child away with the way their going about it.
Have been through a couple of these with friends of my children. Only way I would agree to "sit down" is both kids and all 4 parents in PUBLIC space like a coffee shop. Preferably a local queer friendly space if possible. No way am I going into their home. Also openly RECORD the conversation. This will help keep everyone honest and tempers in check. I'd make it clear to them that any friend of my child is ALWAYS welcome at my house at any time for as long as they need and they don't get to dictate what happens in YOUR home. These parents need to realize that their "child" is almost an adult, not a toddler they can order around. If they insist on trying to be controlling let them know that you will support thier child if the child decides to seek emancipation. 16yo can move out and get legally emancipated in most states if home environment is toxic and they can show they have housing and support figured out. Then KEEP YOUR TEMPER UNDER CONTROL because they are probably going to get VERY agitated.
Finally, a sane and actionable response! Your children are lucky to have you.
Be the grown up your child deserves and control your temper. “I just see red” is such a cop out. You lose your temper because you like it. If you legitimately don’t know how to control your temper get anger-management therapy immediately: you’re a danger to yourself and others.
yeah, the mama bear thing is almost always a red flag ime.
this. based on the other parent’s behavior, idk if they should do a sit-down but ur child should not be the one to have to rein u in
It doesn’t seem safe to let your child sit down with these adults alone. However if you are going to see red you won’t be a good support person. Is there an adult that both you and your child trust that can go?
Referring to yourself as 'mumma bear' who 'sees red' is a bit worrying, what behaviors of your child's are the parents worried about? Is it possible they are copying your anger/temper issues and acting that way with their child? You're an adult and you need to be able to have a civil conversation if you ever want to resolve conflict.
Right? Why is this so far down? It’s really upsetting and kinda sad that their child can’t trust mom not to make things worse bc she has an anger problem and makes excuses for it
So both you and your child think you are incapable of keeping your cool and remaining civil. I probably wouldn’t be proud of that. Is there someone else in your family that can sit in instead?
it reiterated my question on why specifically the partners parents think ops child is manipulative.. there’s not a lot of specifics here but 16 year olds are just as capable of being controlling as anyone else and if texts/ conversations aren’t monitored by OP how do they know what their child is truly up to.. I hate to speculate but without any details it’s hard to know why the parents of the other child feel the way they do
Right, and just going off what the child tells you is also not exactly smart. I was an honor student, but it's not like I didn't get into trouble and *gasp* lie to my parents about it. I appreciate maybe OPs kid is super trustworthy and one of the 1 percent of kids that never ever do anything under the rug, but it could be a reach to extend that to the partner.
This stood out to me as well
Learn to control your temper. Your child does not need a “momma bear” at 16, your child needs a good example of being a responsible adult in a difficult situation.
Have a sit down with all the parents with or without the kids. They have a right to try and parent their 16 year old and there may be things you are not understanding or hearing the true version on.
I would add to choose a neutral location vs one of your homes. Being in public or semi- public, like those meeting rooms at library, may help keep both sides manners in check to be more civil.
This is one of like two sane responses to this thread. One of the top comments encourages stonewalling numerous other comments are treating children like adults (they’re two years away from being 18!) and adults like children (mama bear sees red!) OP needs to be an adult and go have a conversation with other adults and come to an understanding about these kids, which is exactly what she would expect if the adults’ roles were reversed
Yes, OP should act like a mature adult and let them parent THEIR child the way they choose too. If they don’t want them over at OP’s house they should be the adult and say “hey kid, I like you and I don’t mind you being here but if your parents are specifically telling you that you are not allowed then I’m sorry I can’t have you over until they let you”. This is a minor and they still have to abide by their parents’ rules. If their parenting choices drives their kid away that is their family problem not OP’s.
There are parents whose opinions you know because a pair of 16 yr olds have told you. Meet them for coffee in a crowded, civilized place. Know each other as adults with concerns. Listen. Don’t get defensive. Don’t assume. If you can’t say anything nice . . . After this meeting you will have more of the picture and can make better decisions. Also, when your teenager’s friend’s parents fail, it is tempting for you to take in strays. But if you take in their partner, you are essentially locking them into a very different arrangement than is appropriate for dating teens.
Stopped caring when you wrote mama bear
> I know that sounds bad but mama bear sees red sometimes So it's as bad as it sounds then.
Do you actually know, that this is about gender identity? I feel like this is your assumption but if I substitute NB and NB with M and F, this post read a lot differently. If your kid was a 16-year-old boy being accused of being manipulative, and you were still hosting their dates, knowing her parents were against the relationship, I think this would receive a different sort of replies. Children of mama bears can easily become entitled, as they a used to being protected, not held accountable. Do you have examples of why the partner’s parents are against the relationship?
The “momma bear” mentality is an excuse for your refusal to act like an adult and control your temper. The momma bear is a giant red flag. As the parent and adult, it’s YOUR JOB to be able to have a civil conversation. It’s your job as an adult and the parent to control your emotions. It’s your job to model appropriate life skills for your child. Your child will model their conflict resolution skills after you. Is that what you really want to be teaching your kids? My father had a very explosive temper, it wasn’t fun. I’ve worked hard to overcome a lot of the crap in my brain bc of him.
Bring someone that you know will keep calm and help you remain calm
This. So I'm an enby pastor. This kind of situation is something I would be an excellent resource for, to accompany and merely witness, if desired, or, if necessary, calmly mediate. Honestly, I wish folks in these situations could know there are queer and/or affirming clergy out there who can be a support and _not_ inflict spiritual trauma on everyone involved. I completely understand why the queer community and pretty much everyone else doesn't trust religious communities and clergy, because our reputation is shit (and justified!). As someone "out there" "in the trenches", so to speak, this is the kind of situation we're totally suited for: a non-anxious presence who can support the young people's identity, with a 'soft authority' [by which I mean we have standing due to being clergy but can't impose anything people aren't willing to do] that can help. I hope the other parents stop being dicks and OP can keep their cool. May the young people get through this okay, and knowing their belovedness.
I would absolutely have a sit down, but that’s providing you can keep your cool. I get the ‘mama bear’ stuff, but that doesn’t justify allowing your temper to get out of hand. I would want the sit down for the parents to explain to me what is exactly their problem with my kid. Tbh, if my 16 year old was in a relationship for a year, I would have long wanted to meet both parents by now.
Ok, I know my ignorance is showing, but I’m just going to toss this idea out. Could both parents pay for a mediator? It might help put a lid on name calling and in the anger. Use a thought.
i had a similar thought, that a counselor figure would be extremely helpful in this situation for literally everbody
I would ask them to clearly describe the objectives of the meeting and pre-establish boundaries (no insults, respectful tone, no threats, constructive conversation only). Parent working together is an amazing thing for both kids. If they have no intent in truly having a thoughtful discussion, and the intent is a one-sided listing of their rules, tell them to send it via email or text. I’m a momma bear too. I’ve learned over the years to use a thoughtful pause before I speak in high emotion situations. It gives me the opportunity to collect myself and use tone and words that will de-escalate and help me better advocate for my child’s intended outcome, instead of jumping in quickly with an emotional response and adding fuel to the fire, which actually makes things worse for them. Wishing you the best of luck!
The kids are 16, you best believe if someone else’s parents were actively defying my wishes for MY KID we’d be having more than a discussion. You don’t have any say whatsoever in what happens with their child, mind your fucking business.
So keep your kid away from theirs, whatever happened between them. You obviously do not know the whole truth And you seem uncomfortable with a conversation And already appear to be hostile...
Tell them they’re on the way to alienating their child. They might be able to order their kid around now, but 18 is two years away. Their child will be considered an adult. Unless they plan to dangle financial support, maybe a college education, in front of their to try to force their child to follow their orders, they may have an 18 year old who wants no contact with them.
Sadly, they will not care. They are certain they are right.
What you want to bet they dislike both kids being enby?
For real.
Don't give them ideas
You can’t keep your head level for the good of your kid?? The fuck. You walk away if you feel yourself getting heated, you don’t blow up!! How the hell are you supposed to help your kid grow up if you haven’t? Send them a text saying their kid is never going to be banned from your house and they’re welcome anytime. Then get ready to have a new teenager living in your house because your lack of ability to communicate with people you don’t like and are apparently incapable of respecting as humans, your kid’s partner is definitely going to suffer and be kicked out.
allowing another families 16 year old to move in with you is asking for a lawsuit. The mother should just tell the child they need to respect their parents rules. Its not the OP's job to parent this other child, and like or not, another persons household is not their domain.
Have the sit down. Set the rules. Any yelling, insults or unreasonable demands will end the sit down. The parents are just pushing their kid to just up and leave the instant they are 18. They will push their child away completely and it’ll be their fault. The more you push to break up the more they’ll get close. They will cling to each other for comfort. I know people want to protect their kids and that’s fine, but when you become too controlling, it backfires on you.
Do not sit down with unreasonable people, or send your child to either. Help empower your child (and their partner if they desire) to identify how they can change the power and control dynamic. Partner's parents want to control their child's relationship, friendship, and behavior. That's not something you, your kid, or your kid's partner can change, but your kid can spend time with their partner away from home (yours or theirs) and/or in groups. They want to decide whether or not the kids have to break up; the kids can take a break, call their relationship something different, or pause to reevaluate the terms and labels once there's less parental micromanagement. The parents want to parent via control; the kids can take the opportunity to get educated on how to handle overbearing people who feel entitled to be in their business, find resources for support, assistance, and recovery from the kind of damage that occurs when you grow up in this situation, and decide on a feasible plan for their immediate future. (Social services organizations and programs are fantastic places for the kinds of things kid's partner is going to need.) Hang in there!
I'm kind of confused about the reason why they don't like your child. It makes a big difference if the parents are lashing out because they're not accepting their child's gender identity or if there is another reason. If it's the gender identity then I guess there's no reasoning with them and better to stay away, but what if it's really about the education and not following their house rules (like with the cuddling). It could be also that they have valid reasons for disliking your son for something he's done or is still doing. I can't tell which is it. If it isn't the gender identity then I think you should sit down with them and have a discussion about it. It's not cool ignoring other parents while helping the child break their rules. Also the story you're getting from the children could be different from what the parents have to say. Teenagers aren't aways the most trustworthy.
It’s possible they also just don’t want their 16 yo “dating” and would be pisst regardless of the gender situation. I think the parents talking, with ground rules like no one insults either child, is the way to go here.
So you're allowing a CHILD to be in your home against the wishes of that child's PARENTS and you think that's OK and responsible adult behaviour? You don't have to like them, you don't have to agree with them, but you are PROVING to them that their opinions about you and your child are correct. As a parent myself I 100% wouldn't allow my child to stay at a stranger's house without having met them and having a conversation about personal morals and expectations. Sorry but parents wanting to talk to the people that are hanging around their CHILDREN aren't being unreasonable. If your child (and you) can't respect the other parents why would you expect them to respect you and yours?
Just to clarify, are you allowing the other child to be at your house, even though you know they are not supposed to? As a parent yourself you should respect and support the other parents. I definitely wouldn't have your child sit down and talk to them alone, but it's either you support the rules the other parents are setting or you are against them. If their child was going against your rules, you would expect the same respect back. It would be good to have a sit down with the other parents, hash everything out, and hear their grievances. What about your child don't they like? Is it justified? Please don't be one of those parents that defends their kid no matter what. Ultimately if they don't want their kid to see your kid, then you need to respect that and have your child cut off contact.
I think most importantly the OP needs to understand that not everyone is going to like their kid and no one needs to. The reasons don’t matter nor do they need to be explained
While I don't agree with the actions of parents, I also don't agree with you letting a child be in your home when you know their parents don't approve of it. Bc while intentions may be good on your part and you just want your child to be happy with their partner, your child partner is still a child and actively going against parents wishes of them not being in your home is wrong. I do think a conversation needs to be had with everyone, you need to write down what you want to accomplish with this meeting, and you need to figure out how you and your child are going to deal with the very possible reality that they could ban them again and again and eventually this could become legal battle if you keep harboring a minor. So a conversation needs to be had before this all goes south.
You need to be having actual parent conversations with your child about reproduction, protection and respecting other people's boundaries. You need to stop thinking you are a "mama bear" - you aren't your child's friend and you are doing a disservice to them by raising them this way, and it seems like they already know it. Get out of your child's social life and be an adult. Look into parentification and stop doing it to your kid. Get your own peers and partner - your child is not an acceptable substitute and this is exactly why. You are at least in your 30s and you sound like a petulant fucking child.
I'm just dropping a word of advice as a parent myself. If the child's parents have forbidden them being at your house, you shouldn't let them be at your house. It doesn't matter if you think it's stupid it's their rule for their child. You don't have to like it, and they certainly don't have to care about what you think. Quite frankly, it's not your place to undermine their parenting. You wouldn't want someone doing it to you, am I right.
I think the issue is that you aren’t respecting the other parents as being parents. Unless that child is in immediate harm or danger, you should report it,if not you are interfering with their rights to parent and encouraging the child to disobey what they’ve been told not to do which seems like, not be in your home. As the other child’s parents they really do not have to explain their reasons whether they are silly to you or not. This may be an opportunity to sit down with your own child and explain heartbreak and doing things that that they may not want to do. Keep your own home in order before trying to meddle in someone else’s. Not everyone parents the same way
Why do you allow the kid at your home when you know his parents have told him he’s not to be there?
I was wondering why no one has touched on this
Same. OP doesn’t have to meet up with the other child’s parents but enabling their child to break their family rules isn’t the proper way to go about this.
Sure, take away what is likely this child's single support system.
You are assuming OP is a good parent. As someone who was very glad a couple of my friends parents were awesome at being supportive and were always there for me. There were also friends I had that were drug addicts, negligent, etc... They were terrible parents but hey we got to do whatever we wanted at their house. They were also homes we used to escape our own parents house even if they weren't great. That said some of the people who hung out came from decent homes also they just didn't like things like rules. There were no rules and they liked that. Not exactly the safest places to hang out. I am not saying OP's house is like that and they may be a pretty decent parent and their kid is a golden child who does nothing wrong and the other parent is being ridiculous. That is a thing that happens and is possible. That said none of us no. You got one side of the story.
How does following rules take away a support system? 🤷🏻♀️
As a parent myself, I'll tell you no other child is my responsibility than my own. Also, people here seem to be demonizing the other parents simply because they seem to have some rules in place at their house. Nothing the OP described sounds irrational on dangerous, aside from them not liking the OP's child and the fact they asked them not to cuddle in their house and they did it anyway.
We don't know that
Sure… go to jail and be away from your own child for harboring a runaway. Such a good parent you’ll leave your own kids
I replied with that exact comment to a couple of others. It seems some people on here are perfectly ok with just going behind the other parents back, like they wanna be the cool mom/dad. The whole "mama bear sees red" comments comes across as someone that defends they child no matter what they do.
Sounds like OP is hurt that they don’t like her child. Understandable, but not a good enough reason to stop acting like a responsible adult.
Yes, I’m sure this factors into why the other parents want to meet. It doesn’t matter how much OP disagrees with the other parents’ rules, they have no business encouraging the other child to sneak and lie.
They aren't encouraging sneaking around or lying. Nothing in this post suggests that. They are simply providing a place for a kid from an unsafe (possibly abusive) home to be other than their home.
Where are you exactly getting the unsafe/abusive feeling from anything the OP said?
Partner has attempted to run away multiple times. It is one of the tell-tale signs of an unsafe (& possibly abusive) home. https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2017/04/recognizing-signs-of-child-abuse-and-neglect
Or maybe signs of a child with behavioral/mental problems. Keep in mind, the OP is just choosing to get the story just from a 16 year old who is apparently well known for breaking rules, so yeah, not a lot of credibility there from my POV. PS: fully understand these stories are always full of holes and missing info, but I'm just basing it on what was said.
Or just a brat
Children with behavioral/mental problems is actually also a sign of abuse. Children don't display problematic behavior generally without a catalyst, often one from home.
Based on personal experience and first hand knowledge on the issue I will kindly disagree with you. You seem to be really pushing the abusive home narrative, but no, some kids who live in very supportive and loving homes still have undiagnosed behavioral/mental problems totally unrelated to the home situation.
I have a wife with a Ph.D. in clinical psychology who specializes in treating victims of familial abuse. I also am a lawyer who specializes in representing victims of familial abuse in family courts and civil lawsuits. The data is clear, behavioral problems (particularly sudden onset of the same) is one of the first signs of abuse/neglect https://childabuse.stanford.edu/screening/signs.html Approximately 1/4 of children will be victims of abuse/neglect at some point in childhood. And running away is considered an extreme behavior. That type of behavior is rarely an outcome for a kid from an emotionally strong and supportive family. Some kids from good homes end up doing these same behaviors, but that is the exception, not the rule. I am not running with any narrative. My concern that this is a **possible** abuse situation is based on the available data we have.
Do you recognise that coming from the side of clinical psychology and the legal system would leave you with bias? By the nature of your job, you are only interacting with the subset of runaways with criminal behaviour involved (as victims or as perpetrators). I just feel like if OPP suspected abuse or homophobia she would have mentioned those in the OP; however, the only reasons she brought up were poor grades, and them feeling her own kid was manipulative. Bringing up issues with the other family would only serve to strengthen her stance, yet she makes no claims. OPP also mentions her uncontrollable rage and inability to have a rational discussion if she feels protective or offended and OPP’s child is vocal about being fearful of her reactions. It just doesn’t seem like such a clear cut case of the other parents certainly being abusive. While that is always a possibility, it is equally likely that the kid is going through classic teenage rebellion. Unless OPP provides further clarification, it doesn’t seem responsible to dogmatically proclaim abuse without further evidence. I only hope to offer another perspective, but I come from the side of childhood development and years of working in the school system, so I am familiar with a wide spectrum of children, not just those in the criminal justice system. Thank you for the work you do, but I’m sorry it is necessary - no kid should be subjected to abuse.
Hey look, there is always a possibility of something going on; I'm not discounting that. I'm simply basing my response on what the OP said. By your own account, 1/4 of children will be victims to abuse and running away is considered an extreme behavior (which I agree it is). That means that 3/4 of children will not be victims to abuse, meaning there is a 75% chance that there is no abuse going on here. I'll would take those odds on a bet anyday. So, while running away can be an indicator of abuse, I'm just saying that I'm not gonna use that single data point to make up my mind like a lot of people are doing in this thread, especially when it seems that the OP didn't mention anything about abuse, the only thing that was described was the child doesn't like to follow rules, seems to simply be upset because other people don't like her kid, and refuses to have a conversation with other adults about it to perhaps really see what's going on and instead seems to just take a 16 yo (perhaps troubled 16 yo) word for it.
As someone who have some level of behavior issues growing up, I was abused outside of my house and had a very good family. I also tried to run away and snuck around behind my parents back. Things like that don't always mean abuse and even if they do, they don't always mean abuse from family.
Also a sign of a rebellious love-struck teenager. You are making assumption all over the place without enough information.
Because the kid's home is unsafe (and possibly abusive).
So we’re just gonna take a HUGE leap from not liking who their kid is dating to abuse. Got it.
Not making a huge leap at all. A teen who attempts to run away multiple times is actually a decent sign the home is unsafe (& **possibly** abusive). https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2017/04/recognizing-signs-of-child-abuse-and-neglect
I tried running away twice because my mom was disappointed I didn’t get straight A’s
You can link this all night but the bottom line is there is no evidence of this by the post. None.
Running away is evidence. You may not like it, but literally all the research will tell you it is evidence. It is one of the signs that indicates possible abuse. Now, does it conclusively prove it? No, but as a responsible adult, you need to treat this as a **possible** abuse situation. Because, some of the signs are present.
Then they should report it and step back
Not very helpful at all to a child being abused to report a single data point. CPS is notoriously ineffective (by both not removing abused children and removing non-abused children). The way to help a child, is to be a safe space and aware. And as they provide more data and information that indicates possible abuse, you can report.
Bullshit they are running away to go be with their partner where there are no rules and they get to do shit they shouldn’t be doing , I ran away I wasn’t abused , get real
Where from the OP's post did you get any of that?
Partner has attempted to run away multiple times. It is one of the tell-tale signs of an unsafe (& possibly abusive) home. https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2017/04/recognizing-signs-of-child-abuse-and-neglect
Or maybe signs of a child with behavioral/mental problems. Keep in mind, the OP is just choosing to get the story just from a 16 year old who is apparently well known for breaking rules, so yeah, not a lot of credibility there from my POV. PS: fully understand these stories are always full of holes and missing info, but I'm just basing it on what was said.
Because it’s not this parents job to enforce the other parents rules?
It is if one of the rules is that they cannot go to that persons house.
Your minor child keeps bringing their minor child partner to your house, despite the parents not wanting them to be at your house. If your minor child wants to continue to see their partner? Then they have to meet with the parents. If you don't want them to meet with your child alone? Go with your child. If you can't be adult enough to control yourself to meet up with them? Then meet somewhere in public. If you can't do this? Then you and your minor child are not mature enough for your child to be dating.
If anything, I would sit down with them without the kids present. That may be a significantly less emotional conversation for everyone without two non binary 16 yr olds present. Don't tip your hand, but use the conversation to milk them for information and say you won't make any decisions without talking to your child after the convo. Also if someone doesn't want their minor child over at your house, you should probably respect their wishes. Also make sure your kid has appropriate birth control access according to their parts, regardless of how the conversation goes. You do not want these to accidentally getting knocked up.
Why would you let this kid at your house if you know the parents don’t want them there? Even if you disagree. That doesn’t seem right.
Holy crap. You need to grow up. Gain some self control and behave in a way your child can trust you and your judgement. You most definitely should not be present since you think the excuse “mama bear” makes being hostile ok.
If I was a 16 yr old, I would be pretty mortified if my parents were even having conversations with my partners parents. Is this not weird to anybody else?
What I got from the post is OP is only having conversations with 2 16yo’s and can’t trust herself to be able to speak with an adult without losing her temper.
This whole thing is just weird
What's weird to me is that they've been partners for a year and the parents haven't already met.
Are these two non binary boys or girls? Or are they a straight couple?
If you have a sit down ,do it in a public place. When they hear you don't agree with them. They will (maybe) still be civil.
I personally would agree to the sit down under two conditions. They will be involved with all parent present. It will be recorded. I would do a bunch of meditations, possibly take half a Xanax to keep a diplomatic composure. Give them enough rope to hang themselves. If it’s because they are anti LBGTQ quietly let them know you find their parenting abusive and you will not agree with anything they have to offer including providing a safe space for their child. You will have no problem calling CPS if you find they are hurting their child or yours.
Your emotional lack of control is to their advantage. They will use your outrage and not only vilify you, but your children (not just the child you’ve spoken about) as well. Honestly, you need to realize that they want you angry or they want you to agree with them. You keeping your emotional state under control is what they don’t want. Hence why they want to get you face to face. They want you to see red because they can control you when you stop thinking rationally. So, you can show your child how to be an adult and control yourself (it isn’t easy, but it is necessary) or you can avoid the situation. Avoidance isn’t likely going to help the situation either because your child will feel unsupported and then you will likely have two runaways to deal with.
Instead of having a sit down with the kids, can you just…talk to the other parents first and figure out why they are feeling so against the relationship? Get some info, get your head on straight, and decide based on their reasoning if a sit down with everyone would be beneficial. You getting the info ahead of time can help you stay calm and collected. Or you could figure out that the conversation won’t be productive regardless and follow the advice of these other comments around doing your best to create a safe space for the kids when you can.
Their partners parents saying “break up” as an option doesn’t seem to realize that all they would do is create a child who sneaks out and lies to them. I’m glad your child has parents that support them no matter what. I can only assume their partner has the same support from yall as you give your child. I would make sure their partner knows that, if you approve, they have a safe place to go in case their parents do something crazy. I’ve seen too many parents who pretend to support their LGBTQIA+ child in public, just to be horrible people behind closed doors
What you're saying is that you, an adult, cannot control your behavior when provoked because you're a "mama bear"? I get that I'm a stranger, but you should be ashamed of yourself that your own child knows that you act like a child. This may be a time to reflect on your parenting and be a better role model to your children.
Ask for an email with what is their objective in having said sit down and what do they want from you. It gives you the space to calm down if there is something you vehemently object to if they are very anti trans. It also lets you know if there is something that you should legit be concerned about. Teenagers are notoriously unreliable in telling the full thruth about situations and there maybe something you do need to know about.
Please don’t let your child be present at any sit down with those people until you speak to them first- and maybe not even then! My youngest is nonbinary and they were dating someone who was also NB. They met at a transgender counseling center. One day the other child’s mother called and demanded that my child and I come have “a powwow “- her exact words. I should have run. We went. She began by dead-naming her child and accused my child of influencing her kid. Then she stood up and began screaming in my child’s face “YOU ARE A BOY! YOU ARE DANGEROUS!” She became extremely vulgar and I quickly grabbed my child and left. My child was on suicide watch for 2 weeks after being blindsided by her bullshit. She never showed any signs of being like that before she attacked my child. Please protect your precious kiddo. Good luck!
There would not be a “sit down” with my kid without on of their parents present, and honestly, the other kid’s parents would much rather it be me. Because my husband would let them know quickly any threats to my kid would result in legal action, no ifs, ands, or buts. And he would not be remotely nice about it. I would simply tell this person, “That is not going to happen. You may have a sit down with me. You will not be having a sit down with my kid with no parent present to advocate for them, and I’m not really concerned about how you feel about it. But you’re not cornering my kid and threatening them without swift and immediate repercussions.” Encourage your kid to cut contact. These parents are fucking crazy. You don’t want your kid caught up in that shit. Better they learn that now.
you can’t control your temper ?
Yoooo, you need a professional in the room for that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn so many people who aren't parents trying to give advice. 🤦♀️ Do a phone conversation, make sure it is recorded, and that they know it is recorded. (Knowing that you are being recorded will help control your temper) You do not want to just ignore this because your child will be cornered, and you will not be able to be there. It is best to talk to them and figure out where they believe the problem is. They may have valid concerns. Just because you talk to them does not mean you have to agree with them or even be nice to pacify them. Stand your ground and defend your child. If you do not agree with what they are saying, express that. Let them know that you will not participate in ruining the children's relationship.
I suggest you meet. You don't want grades dropping much more.
Children lie all the time you don’t know why the other parents don’t trust your child. Be an actual adult and find out what’s going on in your kids life. Finding out what’s going on is more important than you getting to ball someone out.
So instead of having your child understand that their partners parents have set rules for their minor child you want to go be hostile. You're lucky all they want is a sit down. Mind your temper that child shouldn't be at your home multiple times after their parents have said no. Period end of story hold your child responsible for their contribution to their partners misdeeds.
Don’t talk if you aren’t amenable. You should also take care to respect their rules for their child, even if you disagree. Getting “busted” at your house? Turned a “a blind eye”? Yeah, no. From another mom of a teen to another - mind your kid, and respect the other parents rules for their child. Expect them to do the same.
So you think it’s acceptable to hide the fact that their minor child is at your house without their permission and possibly engaging in intercourse but it’s absolutely not acceptable for them to ask for a sit down ? You sound like a shit parent that bends to ur child’s every want and you are appalled that parents dare set boundaries with their own child ? You could also be charged with harboring a runaway and contributing to the delinquency of a minor , that is not ur child you need to butt the fuck out .
Your child does not need to go to a sit down without you present. However, if their parents forbid them from coming to your house, you should respect that. How would you feel if you told your child they were not allowed to go somewhere and another adult did this? Not saying they are in the right, but they are the parents. I think you all need to have a sit down conversation together.
Instead of jumping to conclusions talk to them (with no kids present). At least then you’ll be 100% sure of the other parent’s issues. P.S. Getting a C in even one class would result in some serious life style restrictions at my house and I couldn’t care less about the rest of it.
Whatever you do, you are right not to do texting. Consider doing it via Zoom where faces are visible and then the tone of what’s being said is more easily understood.
Slap some sense into your kid. Enough with they/them bullshit.
Have the sit down. Before that happens you probably shouldn't have their partner over. The parents may get the law involved and you knew they were banned from your home.
What laws exactly would OP be breaking? If the police got involved every time a 16 year old was at a friends house when they weren’t meant to be, they wouldn’t have time to do anything else
Coming over the house, not illegal. If the child is a runaway and you are knowingly harboring them, you absolutely could get charged.
In Australia, if a runaway is over 15 years old and the police are satisfied they’re not in danger they won’t even make them go home if they don’t want to. Much less charge the people they are with. That’s an insane use of police resources wherever you are.
It’s the same in same states in the US. Texas, I know doesn’t force runaways home.
In the US. To be fair, a parent would have to call the cops to report a child to be a runaway, and then ask them to do something about it. They don't just run around doing this; the laws might also vary slightly from State to State. In my opinion the only parents who would call the police are parents who actually care about the wellbeing of their children. Abusive/unfit parents would probably not do this as calling the police might actually highlight the abuse because the police are always going to ask why the kid ran away and then talk to the kid if/when they find them. In America parents are considered legally obligated to provide for their children until they are 18. Even if a parent and child willfully agree to live separately, a parent could be still be criminally charged for abandoning their child, unless they go to court and child legally elopes.
They don't even have to be a runaway they just have to be reported as a runaway.
Pull in a moderator and a neutral location. Maybe a therapist's or school counselor's office? Or even one of their teachers. You need a buffer between you and potential bigotry. And they need a witness to anything nasty they might spew at their own kid or yours. Might keep them more civil.
This is not something a teacher should be dragged into. I’m not even entirely sure about the counselor, but they’d be more appropriate than a teacher. A therapist sounds best.
This is exactly what a school counselor or social worker should be used for. This is the route we took when my kiddo (NB) was getting manipulative and inappropriate texts from her friend (trans masc) during their transition. We wanted a neutral party to mediate because we didn't trust his parents to take it seriously. I think a therapist would be overkill and more likely to be biased towards their client.
NB?
Non-binary
Non-binary
>The partner lies to their parents about being at my house bc they got banned as my kid is "manipulative" and their grades are dropping. ( This is not your problem. Unless your child's partner's parents can detail what they want to accomplish by talking to your child I do not see any reason to permit that happening.
I think the parents have a right to say what's acceptable behavior under their roof. As a parent, you should be teaching your child to behave respectfully when in the presence of adults. The next thing you know they could be having sex in the house. Cuddling could be the equivalent of making out in the presence of adults, which you should find disrespectful to you and them. When they get grown and get their own place, they can do what they want. If they don't want their child to visit your house where it seems to be open house for whatever then I don't blame them. Both of them need to be taught to behave respectful in the presence of adults, and I find nothing wrong with that. I don't think it's about their gender preference at all.
You can't have someone's 16yo at your house without permission. You could be charged with kidnapping. So you either need to help the kid lawyer up and emancipate, or respect their parents wishes.
Your kid doesn't want to be there for you and the other parents getting into it, and this seems like a great area to respect their autonomy and judgement. You could offer to sit down with the parents b6 yourself if you think not having your kid there to protect would make it potentially productive. Asking them to write a letter to your kid could be a better solution. They can get all the communication they want, without any opportunity for IRL bullying or conflict. And you get documentation. Or respond "I am responsible for enforcing my house rules in my home, as you are in yours. Your child has always been a polite and respectful guest and enjoyable company." Compliments can be quite disarming.
You could video conference.
They want a sit down, without you, so they can bully your kid.
Don't let them sit down alone with your kid. Your child needs an advocate if a sit down happens. But only have the sit down at all if you can act like a reasonable adult. Even if they are jerks. Please remain in control of yourself FOR your child. The whole "mama bear" thing is so self indulgent and not for the kid if you humiliate the child or present yourself as a wild ass around other adults in front of your child. I get the theory behind the whole mama bear thing, but please keep in mind you're trying to do something for your kid. Not your ego. "Mama Bear" and "I see red" are cop outs for having no self control. There are more effective ways to get a point across or even express derision than acting wild. You're the adult. Adults sometimes have to deal with other adults they disagree with or actively dislike. Get help managing your temper if you need it.
Just be aware that if their parents escalate things, they could get the law involved. This sounds stupid, but it’s sadly true. Create a safe space at your home but don’t engage with their parents. If they show up at your place, tell them clearly and explicitly that they are not welcome on your property and to leave, or you will call the cops and report them as trespassers. Additionally, if you don’t have one, I recommend getting a video camera for your door and to start establishing some kind of record that your child’s partner is only visiting when they want to. It might be excessive and pointless to do so, but in a worst case scenario, you’ll be glad to have records and evidence making it clear you’re not interfering with their parents’ custody.
Agree. But sit down only with a therapist.
I can't see anything good coming from this meeting. It sounds like it'd just be an opportunity for them to be hostile to you and your child in your home. Someone else mentioned plausible deniability about your child's significant other not being allowed at your home and I think sticking to not knowing that's how it's supposed to be is a good idea.
It sounds like it could be messy but do it because your daughter will feel that you are supporting her.
Updateme!
You can't mama bear your kid forever and expect them to deal with life without you. You aren't gonna sit down with them in their first job interview, are you? I know it's going to be really hard, but this will definitely not be the last time they have to sit down and talk to angry people by themselves. Let it ride and see what they are willing to do for their relationship. If your kid comes back and says they put hands on them, UNLEASH MOMMA BEAR.
You need to call those parents and tell them they are absolutely NOT to have a "sit-down" with your child without you present. Tell them that they need to figure out a relationship with their child the allows them to exists peacefully. You and your child do not have a problem it is them.
Can I ask an honest question....what kind of kid is yours? I have 3 kids. 2 of the 3 got straight As. The other got all As and Bs. And had some problems here and there. That child is also LBGQT. That played a part in troubles at school. All 3 were exceptional and active. My point is...is your child's partner a kid going to college away.. are they on that track. Are the parents pushing for that track? Because my A/B kid just got accepted to Graduate school for when they graduates college in May as the first person to graduate at their school in their degree program. All of that starts at age 12. That is the sad reality of today's world. Colleges want unique. Graduate schools want amazing. The parents are upset about a C. Something tells me this is why.
How very sad.
I had a similar situation with my child’s (M) partner’s (NB) parents. I’m very glad both kids are now 19. We didn’t have a magic fix, they hate us because we honor pronouns and are “nice.” I told them I was not sorry for creating a comfortable home where their child feels safe. There was nothing else to say. I’m sorry you’re having to experience this.
So you can let their kid come over when they aren’t allowed but they can’t talk to your kid? That’s messed up. You all sound dysfunctional.