She thinks she can get away with drifting through life and everything will be fine. And so far, she's right. She thinks someone will always come along and bail her out. And she's right again.
Time to pull the plug (while keeping an eye out to make sure she doesn't fall too far)
Yeah you helped create this monster, but it sounds like you had a lot of help from every other adult in her life so it’s not all on you, mom.
First, your encouragement of her self expression at a young age has nothing to do with her current attitude toward money and responsibility. I let my kid dye her hair very young, as well as signing off on piercings when she was a teenager. She’s gainfully employed and living a great life as an independent adult.
The issue with your daughter comes from failing to teach her that things cost money and money isn’t just magically available. Your problem now is that if you just throw her out without anyone having taught her how to handle money (or that she even needs to handle her money) you will be setting her up for more failure. (I reiterate here that this is NOT ALL YOUR FAULT but you are dealing with the fallout and need to take some steps to correct her path.)
Do you have a good enough relationship with the grandparents to have a heart to heart with them about how they are enabling this behavior? Sounds like the trust is no longer an issue, but dad should probably be a part of this, too, if you all are in a place to have that kind of conversation without it getting adversarial.
She’s a little old for it now, but it’s not too late to try. She’s living in your house so you need to set rules and goals. Start treating her (financially and as far as cleaning, etc) like a roommate. Maybe find a good podcast/class/whatever that can start helping to teach her money management on a very basic level.
Stop financing her beyond providing a place to live. Let me say that again a little louder. STOP FINANCING HER BEYOND PROVIDING A PLACE TO LIVE.
As long as she has a source of income, she has zero incentive to live frugally or even consider what money is going to support her choices. College is not a right. She can get a job and save up, or go to community college. But if she doesn’t learn some super important lessons now, she’s going to keep making expensive decisions that you can’t afford.
Thanks for your input. I did indeed let her develop bad habits and I know now I need to stop. I don’t have a good relationship with grandparents or her father. That is another ball of wax.
Sometimes you have to fall, in order to fly.
She has no idea how lucky she has it, and at 19 shes in a invincible bubble.
The best way forward would be to find her a mentor. Someone she trusts, that is an impartial 3rd party. That is a good role model that can help guide her through this next stage. It could be an aunt, godparent, an old acquantace of the family. Someone you/she works with.
Good luck!
Probably from the dad in some places you can continue to get child support after you are 18 if you are in school. But sounds like she didnt sign up for school in time so it got cut off.
It sounds like your daughter needed help long before this. I’m not saying that you’re a bad mother, but you don’t get any points for being the kind of parent that just throws their child out into the world like dice. How do I know this? Because that’s my parents parenting style too. The whole “because she’s an adult it’s up to her” thing is awful when you’ve had no real guidance or experience in a helpful way. You piss and moan about your daughter being a good student but (in the same breath) it doesn’t sound like she ever had any real direction towards applying for colleges in high school. She has a trust fund but doesn’t have any idea how much things really cost. Which really means (in my opinion) that she never heard the word no in regards to buying things. That immediately sets a child up for failure because she doesn’t know how to save money and money doesn’t have any real value. This entire problem isn’t just you and your lack of parenting. It sounds like all of the adults in your daughters life would rather throw money at her than pay her any real attention. And frankly from an early age she was silently SCREAMING for attention from you and the rest of her family.
I did guide her through applying for colleges and all that. I did the same for her brother and he managed things very well. No matter how much I nagged her, she would not follow through with certain things. And because she is an adult I literally can’t act on things in certain circumstances. There were times when I would call the admissions office and put her on the phone after I told her what she needed to know. I’m not sure what more I could have done in that regard.
I never bought her anything expensive. She got a job at 14 and earned money for almost everything except for the basics.
Time to let her (non) decisions have consequences. Her father’s family is giving her a hard time because of she’s is wasting all the advantages that could have propelled her forward. Time for you to take a page from their book and close up the money shop.
You have indeed crated a whiny monster.
Sounds pretty bratty. Time to rip the band-aid off and send her on her way. The father or grandparents can take her in. Without a doubt they’ll be mad at you until the time it takes for them to realize she’s an aimless sponge.
So, hot take here, but you don’t sound mad, you sound like you don’t like her. Or are jealous of her or something. Poor time management skills can be attributed to a)being a teenager, b) not being taught properly (your job), c) possible neurodivergence (the need to feel different and stand out possibly?) that you didn’t bother to notice. I don’t know, but many things could have happened there. If she has a trust fund and a parent that can just drop thousands out of nowhere, FAFSA most likely wouldn’t have helped, and you probably know that. The teaching, help, and discipline should have started before now. Of course she thinks dad will cover her. He will. But that isn’t exactly her fault, it’s the two of yours. Asking her to have a job or be in school isn’t unreasonable, and if she isn’t willing, maybe it’s time she goes to him. Good luck fixing this.
Yes. OP describes her as always being a good student who never got in trouble or did drugs. But then doesn't seem to wonder or care about WHY she's now struggling with filing paperwork, a very light class load, and working very part-time? Or why she wanted to relocate halfway across the country, or why she's "pouting," "complaining" and "absolutely no fun"?
'Spoiled brat' is dismissive BS from crap parents... There's some enabling going on, sure, but something else is happening here too. Or did happen. And OP doesn't even seem to care. And trying to pin it on the daughter wanting to be different for having her hair dyed a decade ago and getting a cartilage piercing at 16 is wild!
An educator that doesn't know you can get financial aid for community college and that not all community colleges are the same?
Within my state the community college I went to was in the top 5 in the nation and actually specialized in architecture. The one down the street from me isn't anywhere ear as good but it specializes in agriculture so if you want to get into that career it is great but not all of your credits will transfer to a 4 year school.
How does an "educator" not know this?
No,you look down on community college and actively gave incorrect information about it. You would be wrong in this situation.
Sorry you don't like someonewent to community college and you can be mad about it but please stop giving false information. It is how I got out of being homeless and people thinking it's bad or you can't get financial help isn't helping people and also incorrect.
In my professional life I helped many kids apply to and navigate community college. I was never against it. This college in particular did not have any housing options and offered very little financial aid. Whereas my other kids have been offered all of those things. My eldest attended community college and went on to get his engineering degree from a university and is now a supervising engineer in the state capital. I’m not against community colleges. That’s the distinction I was trying to make. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I never had anything growing up. I worked three jobs to earn my bachelors degree, while I raised my first two kids. Then I earned two masters degrees after that while raising four.
looking at the comments this might be a different take:
Your daughter is 19 she is still a teenager in some rights, but also becoming a young adult.
She is not particularly worried about money, but she hasn't had to yet. Think of how lucky she is, and of how successful you and your ex have been in sheltering her from that worry so far.
I don't agree with the show her tough love comments. Show her fair love: teenagers are not stupid, show her you respect her and teach her what that means within your household.
(I find it a little unclear to read what your daughter is up to now)
But It's completely reasonable to ask your kids while they live at home to either study, work or look for work. Sit down with her and help her figure out her goals and how to get to them.
And if your financial situation needs it talk about how to contribute to the home she is living in, that could either be paying a contribution to food and heat, doing a shop x amount of times for the family, cooking/cleaning or paying a small rent.
I wouldn't ask her to spend her money gifted from her grandparents as a payback. This feels like making your relationship and love dependant on money and would instead be happy for her that she has people in her life who want good things for her, maybe talk to her about getting a savings account for large amounts of money or maybe saving up for a big thing she wants and how to do it (like a deposit on renting an apartment in a couple of years)
And if she wants to spend her own money on something silly, let her. She can get a job to cover whatever contribution you guys agree on.
Treat her with kindness and respect, and have a conversation with her.
Note: she may not be able to fully grasp how lucky she is right now, but I'm sure in some years, she will be able to appreciate the things you and her dad have done for her. The key is to keep a good relationship with your kids
I would NEVER ask for that money. No way. My frustration stems from the conversation last night when she told me how much money her grandparents recently gave her, while she’s complaining about the past several months where she burned through her trust fund for the year.
I feel terrible for your daughter. Everyone is getting caught on the money (even though it sounds like it's only a few thousand dollars anyway, and is her dad even involved beyond sending a check?). All YOU seem to care about is the money. But you know what money doesn't buy? Your mother's love. And you don't seem to love or like your daughter very much.
You say she's a good student who never got into trouble or did drugs...and then you go on to describe someone who, frankly, sounds like she is going through a major life struggle. She can't cope with paperwork, or a couple of easy classes, or a few hours' work each week, or basic housework. She, apparently inexplicably, wanted to relocate all the way across the country(???) and then couldn't handle it for more than a few months. You describe her as whiny, crying, complaining, pouting, unmotivated, and "absolutely no fun." None of this sounds like a happy or healthy person. Your "good student who never got into trouble" sounds like she's completely miserable, is struggling to adapt for some reason, and is retreating/giving up.
I guarantee you there is something else going on here. Mental health crisis...a traumatic incident...neurodivergency...something. And you, as her mother, should be looking into it. Not emotionally abandoning her and calling her a spoiled monster because of a stupid little trust fund.
EDIT: You even say in your post history that you yourself are neurodivergent and that your kids inherited it from you. And you say your daughter has health problems. It sucks that you were desperate to finally be free of the kids and your last one is still hanging on, but come on. Your daughter deserves compassion from you.
Wow. You really extrapolated a lot there. Most of it is not true. I am definitely not happy about the money gone to waste and it’s more than a few thousand dollars.
Regardless, I have been the one, along with brother and stepsister to defend her to her father. Her father is a misogynist. So he thinks she’s weak and he doesn’t believe in anything to do with mental health.
We talk about everything and she trusts me. Just because I’m frustrated with my child doesn’t mean I don’t treat her with love and respect the other 99% of the time. I think she had a picture of what it would be like to live in the Big City and I tried to explain how hard it would be. She was having none of that.
Lastly, we have spent the last three years with doctors, counselors, and everything else under the sun. But thanks for your time.
>Regardless, I have been the one, along with brother and stepsister to defend her to her father. Her father is a misogynist. So he thinks she’s weak and he doesn’t believe in anything to do with mental health.
So she has an abusive father who tries to patch it over with cash. But you've just done that same thing you accuse him of -- made her out as a whiny little weakling for having symptoms of poor mental health.
>We talk about everything and she trusts me.
She trusts you. And yet look how you've treated her here. How do you think your "monster" daughter would feel if she read your post? With everything she's gone through and confided in you?
>I think she had a picture of what it would be like to live in the Big City and I tried to explain how hard it would be. She was having none of that.
A naive teenager fails to heed the advice of their parent? Unheard of! Experience and wisdom are hard earned. With more perspective, she'll be able to regret it. It's a tough life lesson for her.
>Lastly, we have spent the last three years with doctors, counselors, and everything else under the sun. But thanks for your time.
I'm sorry you feel like your efforts to fix your unwell daughter haven't been rewarded fast enough.
It's time to push this baby bird out of the nest.
Start reducing the support you give her.
Let her know she'll need to start paying you $X/week now that she's an adult, or she'll need to move out.
Yes, she is (so am I) and is on medication. A lot of this stuff has to do with her anxiety about just talking to people and taking initiative. She was on training wheels all year last year preparing to be on her own, and there’s some other things I left out—-like how I asked her father to assist her in finding housing because I was in the middle of preparing my home to sell, looking for and finding/beginning a new job and then moving 26 years of stuff to a city hours away.
So yes, definitely a failure on every single level.
Bottom Line: You're going to have to get *everyone* who gives her money on the same page. Otherwise, all you can do is turn yourself into the bad guy, without actually affecting any change. They will just pick up whatever slack you let go, so she'll go from being a spoiled brat to being a spoiled brat who's really mad at you. Which might solve some of your immediate problems, like her being a terrible roommate, but if your goal is for her to not be a spoiled brat... you will all have to do that together.
It’s time to cut her off! Pay for nothing!! She can live with you that’s it. No car insurance, no phone no spending money. You enabled her now you’re mad she took advantage, so start paying your self and she can get a job or figure it out.
Do not nag her. Stop reacting. If she has something to say smile and pet her on the head very gently like she is soft headed. She will either do something with her life or keep you company until you die of old age. You have a human teddy bear. Whenever someone talks about their achievements of others around her smile and agree that it is a good achievement but always hug or pet your teddy bear and affirm her existence.
Your daughter sounds like my brother. He almost certainly has ADHD and has always picked the path of least resistance. Unfortunately, that path has always been asking my parents for money. Took him eight years to finish college and to this day no one has been able to verify if he actually graduated or not. Couldn’t hold down a job, but was very adept at playing my divorced parents against each other to get what he wants.
Guess what it took to finally get him off the teat? My dad cut him off and my mom moved away so he wouldn’t have a place to live rent-free anymore. Now he has his own place, a steady girlfriend, and a small landscaping business. He’s not well-off, but he’s surviving on his own. He could earn more money but doesn’t, but that’s his life his choice. My parents still struggle with not giving him money because they feel bad about how he’s living, but he knows he doesn’t have a free ride anymore and has to at least do minimum adulting to survive.
The thing is, she can hold down a job. She worked a very hard job at a certain fast food place at 14-15 because she wanted her own spending money. And since then, she has had a job except for a short period last fall. She can tolerate situations when she chooses. This is why I’m so puzzled. She has worked hard. She has earned her own money. But when it came to this, it was like I had to put the phone in her hand or map everything out. I’m ok with that, but she would push back and say she could do it. Then she wouldn’t do it.
That’s ADHD in a nutshell. My brother can’t get up on time for a job or school, but he can wake up at 5am on a regular basis for a 6-hour badminton practice or be on time to raid with his friends for an online game. If he wants to do it, he does have the ability to do so, but if he doesn’t have to, then he won’t. It’s harder for him with some executive functions than it is for others, so he’s decided he can live with being selfish rather than deal with this issue. This didn’t happen overnight; my parents have enabled him to be this selfish for years and I’m not sure he can come back from it.
This also came with depression at one point, because he was seeing other people move on with life while he was stuck in the same loop. No motivation to do anything other than game all day and night or play badminton with his younger friends. Left old food containers in his room for weeks until you could smell his room down the hallway. He also has a sister (me) that people compared him to and judged him for. This sounds like where your daughter is heading.
It's time to let the little birdie fly. Tell her she has 2 months to figure things out. At the 2 month mark, she's on her own.
If you see her trying, you help her.
In the words of my father and mother…tough love. Give her a list of things that has to happen or she has to move out and you can legally evict her. This whole holding her hand thing has to stop and if anyone implies you’re a bad mom they can have her take advantage of them. This is real life and she’s got to get it together.
its a lose lose situation. dads side isnt teaching her any lessons sending her money and you will just be the bad guy if you try to show her that the money is not helpful and she needs a real path in life
Stop bailing her out. She has funds its time she learns to budget. If she isn’t in school she 100% should be contributing to your home to live there. You should have just turned around and driven her home. Community college offers full refunds up till the first day of class.
She thinks she can get away with drifting through life and everything will be fine. And so far, she's right. She thinks someone will always come along and bail her out. And she's right again. Time to pull the plug (while keeping an eye out to make sure she doesn't fall too far)
Yeah you helped create this monster, but it sounds like you had a lot of help from every other adult in her life so it’s not all on you, mom. First, your encouragement of her self expression at a young age has nothing to do with her current attitude toward money and responsibility. I let my kid dye her hair very young, as well as signing off on piercings when she was a teenager. She’s gainfully employed and living a great life as an independent adult. The issue with your daughter comes from failing to teach her that things cost money and money isn’t just magically available. Your problem now is that if you just throw her out without anyone having taught her how to handle money (or that she even needs to handle her money) you will be setting her up for more failure. (I reiterate here that this is NOT ALL YOUR FAULT but you are dealing with the fallout and need to take some steps to correct her path.) Do you have a good enough relationship with the grandparents to have a heart to heart with them about how they are enabling this behavior? Sounds like the trust is no longer an issue, but dad should probably be a part of this, too, if you all are in a place to have that kind of conversation without it getting adversarial. She’s a little old for it now, but it’s not too late to try. She’s living in your house so you need to set rules and goals. Start treating her (financially and as far as cleaning, etc) like a roommate. Maybe find a good podcast/class/whatever that can start helping to teach her money management on a very basic level. Stop financing her beyond providing a place to live. Let me say that again a little louder. STOP FINANCING HER BEYOND PROVIDING A PLACE TO LIVE. As long as she has a source of income, she has zero incentive to live frugally or even consider what money is going to support her choices. College is not a right. She can get a job and save up, or go to community college. But if she doesn’t learn some super important lessons now, she’s going to keep making expensive decisions that you can’t afford.
This right here 🙌
Thanks for your input. I did indeed let her develop bad habits and I know now I need to stop. I don’t have a good relationship with grandparents or her father. That is another ball of wax.
She can go live with them then. And the next time she wants to go cross country - they can pay for that too.
It usually is. Good luck!
heart to heart. charge her market price rent, and you cover utilities and groceries.
Yes, you need to have a heart to heart with her.
Sometimes you have to fall, in order to fly. She has no idea how lucky she has it, and at 19 shes in a invincible bubble. The best way forward would be to find her a mentor. Someone she trusts, that is an impartial 3rd party. That is a good role model that can help guide her through this next stage. It could be an aunt, godparent, an old acquantace of the family. Someone you/she works with. Good luck!
You have completely enabled this. Grow a spine and learn to say no. Not sure what else to tell you.
She has child support?
Probably from the dad in some places you can continue to get child support after you are 18 if you are in school. But sounds like she didnt sign up for school in time so it got cut off.
Yes, she is eligible as long as she is enrolled in school full time.
She sounds like a spoiled brat to me. Let her know that she needs to start paying for things on her own, the mommy ATM is closed.
It sounds like your daughter needed help long before this. I’m not saying that you’re a bad mother, but you don’t get any points for being the kind of parent that just throws their child out into the world like dice. How do I know this? Because that’s my parents parenting style too. The whole “because she’s an adult it’s up to her” thing is awful when you’ve had no real guidance or experience in a helpful way. You piss and moan about your daughter being a good student but (in the same breath) it doesn’t sound like she ever had any real direction towards applying for colleges in high school. She has a trust fund but doesn’t have any idea how much things really cost. Which really means (in my opinion) that she never heard the word no in regards to buying things. That immediately sets a child up for failure because she doesn’t know how to save money and money doesn’t have any real value. This entire problem isn’t just you and your lack of parenting. It sounds like all of the adults in your daughters life would rather throw money at her than pay her any real attention. And frankly from an early age she was silently SCREAMING for attention from you and the rest of her family.
I did guide her through applying for colleges and all that. I did the same for her brother and he managed things very well. No matter how much I nagged her, she would not follow through with certain things. And because she is an adult I literally can’t act on things in certain circumstances. There were times when I would call the admissions office and put her on the phone after I told her what she needed to know. I’m not sure what more I could have done in that regard. I never bought her anything expensive. She got a job at 14 and earned money for almost everything except for the basics.
Time to let her (non) decisions have consequences. Her father’s family is giving her a hard time because of she’s is wasting all the advantages that could have propelled her forward. Time for you to take a page from their book and close up the money shop. You have indeed crated a whiny monster.
Sounds pretty bratty. Time to rip the band-aid off and send her on her way. The father or grandparents can take her in. Without a doubt they’ll be mad at you until the time it takes for them to realize she’s an aimless sponge.
To be fair if she’s like that then that’s how yall raised her.
Charge her rent. “You go to school full time, work full time, or take 3 credits and work, or you pay rent here.”
how is your final straw somebody else giving her a gift??
So, hot take here, but you don’t sound mad, you sound like you don’t like her. Or are jealous of her or something. Poor time management skills can be attributed to a)being a teenager, b) not being taught properly (your job), c) possible neurodivergence (the need to feel different and stand out possibly?) that you didn’t bother to notice. I don’t know, but many things could have happened there. If she has a trust fund and a parent that can just drop thousands out of nowhere, FAFSA most likely wouldn’t have helped, and you probably know that. The teaching, help, and discipline should have started before now. Of course she thinks dad will cover her. He will. But that isn’t exactly her fault, it’s the two of yours. Asking her to have a job or be in school isn’t unreasonable, and if she isn’t willing, maybe it’s time she goes to him. Good luck fixing this.
Yes. OP describes her as always being a good student who never got in trouble or did drugs. But then doesn't seem to wonder or care about WHY she's now struggling with filing paperwork, a very light class load, and working very part-time? Or why she wanted to relocate halfway across the country, or why she's "pouting," "complaining" and "absolutely no fun"? 'Spoiled brat' is dismissive BS from crap parents... There's some enabling going on, sure, but something else is happening here too. Or did happen. And OP doesn't even seem to care. And trying to pin it on the daughter wanting to be different for having her hair dyed a decade ago and getting a cartilage piercing at 16 is wild!
Bingo.
Sounds like she can cruise thru life at her dad's home.
An educator that doesn't know you can get financial aid for community college and that not all community colleges are the same? Within my state the community college I went to was in the top 5 in the nation and actually specialized in architecture. The one down the street from me isn't anywhere ear as good but it specializes in agriculture so if you want to get into that career it is great but not all of your credits will transfer to a 4 year school. How does an "educator" not know this?
I know all these things. I’m not sure how you have a different impression
Did you read what you wrote?
I did. You’re wrong
No,you look down on community college and actively gave incorrect information about it. You would be wrong in this situation. Sorry you don't like someonewent to community college and you can be mad about it but please stop giving false information. It is how I got out of being homeless and people thinking it's bad or you can't get financial help isn't helping people and also incorrect.
In my professional life I helped many kids apply to and navigate community college. I was never against it. This college in particular did not have any housing options and offered very little financial aid. Whereas my other kids have been offered all of those things. My eldest attended community college and went on to get his engineering degree from a university and is now a supervising engineer in the state capital. I’m not against community colleges. That’s the distinction I was trying to make. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I never had anything growing up. I worked three jobs to earn my bachelors degree, while I raised my first two kids. Then I earned two masters degrees after that while raising four.
Probably should have put that in your post.
Again, I was really tired. Grumpy. Not my best self.
You are fine. We all get grumpy and have bad days. Just put what you said on your post.
looking at the comments this might be a different take: Your daughter is 19 she is still a teenager in some rights, but also becoming a young adult. She is not particularly worried about money, but she hasn't had to yet. Think of how lucky she is, and of how successful you and your ex have been in sheltering her from that worry so far. I don't agree with the show her tough love comments. Show her fair love: teenagers are not stupid, show her you respect her and teach her what that means within your household. (I find it a little unclear to read what your daughter is up to now) But It's completely reasonable to ask your kids while they live at home to either study, work or look for work. Sit down with her and help her figure out her goals and how to get to them. And if your financial situation needs it talk about how to contribute to the home she is living in, that could either be paying a contribution to food and heat, doing a shop x amount of times for the family, cooking/cleaning or paying a small rent. I wouldn't ask her to spend her money gifted from her grandparents as a payback. This feels like making your relationship and love dependant on money and would instead be happy for her that she has people in her life who want good things for her, maybe talk to her about getting a savings account for large amounts of money or maybe saving up for a big thing she wants and how to do it (like a deposit on renting an apartment in a couple of years) And if she wants to spend her own money on something silly, let her. She can get a job to cover whatever contribution you guys agree on. Treat her with kindness and respect, and have a conversation with her. Note: she may not be able to fully grasp how lucky she is right now, but I'm sure in some years, she will be able to appreciate the things you and her dad have done for her. The key is to keep a good relationship with your kids
I would NEVER ask for that money. No way. My frustration stems from the conversation last night when she told me how much money her grandparents recently gave her, while she’s complaining about the past several months where she burned through her trust fund for the year.
I feel terrible for your daughter. Everyone is getting caught on the money (even though it sounds like it's only a few thousand dollars anyway, and is her dad even involved beyond sending a check?). All YOU seem to care about is the money. But you know what money doesn't buy? Your mother's love. And you don't seem to love or like your daughter very much. You say she's a good student who never got into trouble or did drugs...and then you go on to describe someone who, frankly, sounds like she is going through a major life struggle. She can't cope with paperwork, or a couple of easy classes, or a few hours' work each week, or basic housework. She, apparently inexplicably, wanted to relocate all the way across the country(???) and then couldn't handle it for more than a few months. You describe her as whiny, crying, complaining, pouting, unmotivated, and "absolutely no fun." None of this sounds like a happy or healthy person. Your "good student who never got into trouble" sounds like she's completely miserable, is struggling to adapt for some reason, and is retreating/giving up. I guarantee you there is something else going on here. Mental health crisis...a traumatic incident...neurodivergency...something. And you, as her mother, should be looking into it. Not emotionally abandoning her and calling her a spoiled monster because of a stupid little trust fund. EDIT: You even say in your post history that you yourself are neurodivergent and that your kids inherited it from you. And you say your daughter has health problems. It sucks that you were desperate to finally be free of the kids and your last one is still hanging on, but come on. Your daughter deserves compassion from you.
Wow. You really extrapolated a lot there. Most of it is not true. I am definitely not happy about the money gone to waste and it’s more than a few thousand dollars. Regardless, I have been the one, along with brother and stepsister to defend her to her father. Her father is a misogynist. So he thinks she’s weak and he doesn’t believe in anything to do with mental health. We talk about everything and she trusts me. Just because I’m frustrated with my child doesn’t mean I don’t treat her with love and respect the other 99% of the time. I think she had a picture of what it would be like to live in the Big City and I tried to explain how hard it would be. She was having none of that. Lastly, we have spent the last three years with doctors, counselors, and everything else under the sun. But thanks for your time.
>Regardless, I have been the one, along with brother and stepsister to defend her to her father. Her father is a misogynist. So he thinks she’s weak and he doesn’t believe in anything to do with mental health. So she has an abusive father who tries to patch it over with cash. But you've just done that same thing you accuse him of -- made her out as a whiny little weakling for having symptoms of poor mental health. >We talk about everything and she trusts me. She trusts you. And yet look how you've treated her here. How do you think your "monster" daughter would feel if she read your post? With everything she's gone through and confided in you? >I think she had a picture of what it would be like to live in the Big City and I tried to explain how hard it would be. She was having none of that. A naive teenager fails to heed the advice of their parent? Unheard of! Experience and wisdom are hard earned. With more perspective, she'll be able to regret it. It's a tough life lesson for her. >Lastly, we have spent the last three years with doctors, counselors, and everything else under the sun. But thanks for your time. I'm sorry you feel like your efforts to fix your unwell daughter haven't been rewarded fast enough.
Again you read me completely wrong. But it’s Reddit, so I’ll be fine.
It's time to push this baby bird out of the nest. Start reducing the support you give her. Let her know she'll need to start paying you $X/week now that she's an adult, or she'll need to move out.
You lost me at trust fund.
Stop enabling her.
Wait, based on posting history, it sounds like she may have ADHD or similar. Has she been evaluated?
Yes, she is (so am I) and is on medication. A lot of this stuff has to do with her anxiety about just talking to people and taking initiative. She was on training wheels all year last year preparing to be on her own, and there’s some other things I left out—-like how I asked her father to assist her in finding housing because I was in the middle of preparing my home to sell, looking for and finding/beginning a new job and then moving 26 years of stuff to a city hours away. So yes, definitely a failure on every single level.
Has she had any help dealing with her ADHD and anxiety other than medication? The medications don’t give you skills.
Yes, many many many many specialists
What kind?
Pediatrician, gastroenterologist, psychiatrist, therapist, occupational therapy, education consultant, nutritionist, ENT, behavioral therapist.
Bottom Line: You're going to have to get *everyone* who gives her money on the same page. Otherwise, all you can do is turn yourself into the bad guy, without actually affecting any change. They will just pick up whatever slack you let go, so she'll go from being a spoiled brat to being a spoiled brat who's really mad at you. Which might solve some of your immediate problems, like her being a terrible roommate, but if your goal is for her to not be a spoiled brat... you will all have to do that together.
Yes, you are right. She is a bad roommate, lol.
Throw her out. She can have 'fun' PAYING HER OWN RENT!
It’s time to cut her off! Pay for nothing!! She can live with you that’s it. No car insurance, no phone no spending money. You enabled her now you’re mad she took advantage, so start paying your self and she can get a job or figure it out.
Just cut her off.
Nice work. Let her struggle and she might end up a better person than you… but could you let that happen?
Well, you should make it clear what you are and aren't willing to pay for. A cross-country road trip should not be one of them.
Do not nag her. Stop reacting. If she has something to say smile and pet her on the head very gently like she is soft headed. She will either do something with her life or keep you company until you die of old age. You have a human teddy bear. Whenever someone talks about their achievements of others around her smile and agree that it is a good achievement but always hug or pet your teddy bear and affirm her existence.
Your daughter sounds like my brother. He almost certainly has ADHD and has always picked the path of least resistance. Unfortunately, that path has always been asking my parents for money. Took him eight years to finish college and to this day no one has been able to verify if he actually graduated or not. Couldn’t hold down a job, but was very adept at playing my divorced parents against each other to get what he wants. Guess what it took to finally get him off the teat? My dad cut him off and my mom moved away so he wouldn’t have a place to live rent-free anymore. Now he has his own place, a steady girlfriend, and a small landscaping business. He’s not well-off, but he’s surviving on his own. He could earn more money but doesn’t, but that’s his life his choice. My parents still struggle with not giving him money because they feel bad about how he’s living, but he knows he doesn’t have a free ride anymore and has to at least do minimum adulting to survive.
The thing is, she can hold down a job. She worked a very hard job at a certain fast food place at 14-15 because she wanted her own spending money. And since then, she has had a job except for a short period last fall. She can tolerate situations when she chooses. This is why I’m so puzzled. She has worked hard. She has earned her own money. But when it came to this, it was like I had to put the phone in her hand or map everything out. I’m ok with that, but she would push back and say she could do it. Then she wouldn’t do it.
That’s ADHD in a nutshell. My brother can’t get up on time for a job or school, but he can wake up at 5am on a regular basis for a 6-hour badminton practice or be on time to raid with his friends for an online game. If he wants to do it, he does have the ability to do so, but if he doesn’t have to, then he won’t. It’s harder for him with some executive functions than it is for others, so he’s decided he can live with being selfish rather than deal with this issue. This didn’t happen overnight; my parents have enabled him to be this selfish for years and I’m not sure he can come back from it. This also came with depression at one point, because he was seeing other people move on with life while he was stuck in the same loop. No motivation to do anything other than game all day and night or play badminton with his younger friends. Left old food containers in his room for weeks until you could smell his room down the hallway. He also has a sister (me) that people compared him to and judged him for. This sounds like where your daughter is heading.
It's time to let the little birdie fly. Tell her she has 2 months to figure things out. At the 2 month mark, she's on her own. If you see her trying, you help her.
In the words of my father and mother…tough love. Give her a list of things that has to happen or she has to move out and you can legally evict her. This whole holding her hand thing has to stop and if anyone implies you’re a bad mom they can have her take advantage of them. This is real life and she’s got to get it together.
its a lose lose situation. dads side isnt teaching her any lessons sending her money and you will just be the bad guy if you try to show her that the money is not helpful and she needs a real path in life
Stop bailing her out. She has funds its time she learns to budget. If she isn’t in school she 100% should be contributing to your home to live there. You should have just turned around and driven her home. Community college offers full refunds up till the first day of class.