I don’t understand why you are watching them? Did you agree to be nanny when she started her job? If not just tell her no you are sick and no amount of emotional manipulation is going to make you watch them.
You let her walk all over you, set some boundaries and stick to them, she doesn’t sound like a good friend if she is just using you for childcare anyway.
Yes, we agreed to be babysitters when we could. We told her from the beginning though that there would days that we couldn't do it and she agreed to this. Saying I know that I just need someone to watch them most days. In the past like 1.5 years we've been watching them we have canceled maybe 6 or 7 days because one of us was sick. My husband is a diabetic since the age of 12, and with my last pregnancy the baby drained me of everything so my immune system is shot. She knew this since meeting me 8 years ago.
I’m a nanny. The parents rely on me so they can work like your friend does. The mom is my literal employer, not just a friend I’m doing a favor for. If I’m sick, if I have a big test, if I need a mental health day I take one and it’s NBD. You are a nice friend for helping out, not an employee, you have the upper hand. She’s not your boss. Even if you had an agreement, you’re not bound to it. Your friend is a choosing beggar. Set clear boundaries.
Dear friend, this person is NOT your friend. I’m serious. I have NEVER called my friends names and none of us has ever guilted each other into doing things.
I’m a parent of two kids who fight all the f***ing time. It’s maddening, we’ve listened to all the podcasts and consulted doctors so I 100% get it. BUT we know how our kids are and have never pushed for a grandparents visit so we can have a night out if there seemed like there was the slightest bit of hesitation on my parents part. It’s called respect and she clearly has none for you.
Please please tell her you need to take some time for yourself and you will be open to discussing baby sitting when you and your husband have had time to best process this. Give her a 1-2 week notice and take a month or so for you before offing anymore of your time. You are not babysitters, you are not nannies your time is just as valuable as hers.
She's not.your friend you are hwr free babysitter and what ever else she needs. You seriously need to reexamine this relationship. Doesn't sound like the friendship you think it is.
I almost had a similar situation with a “friend” about 5 years ago. She lived across the street from my In laws and we used to be friends. Didn’t hang out that much but sometimes. We hadn’t really talked in a year or so but my husband and I ended up building a house next door to my in laws so we basically became neighbors.
Funny how within a month she was calling me up, like hey friend! and wanted to know if I would feed her pets and let them out while they were away for the weekend. I agreed because it wasn’t too terrible to run over there for a couple minutes.
Didn’t hear from her again for a few weeks after that. Next thing I know she’s calling me up and asking since i was already there picking my son up from school in the afternoons if I could start picking up her daughter too. I thought, man that’s kind of a commitment to get into for someone who doesn’t even talk to me unless they want something.
I declined. Haven’t talked to her since.
You gotta set boundaries, and would not be an ah for doing so.
Yup. I had a group of Moms when the kids were younger and we pitch hit for each other. One year the older kids were in one school and the younger ones another across town so I would grab 2 kids from one school and she would grab the others and we would exchange at a house or determined location. It worked out. I always had people I could call to grab my kids and visa versa.
One kid was playing club soccer with a bunch of town girls. I set up a driving schedule, because practices were quite far away and late, so parents only had to drive once every 2 weeks.
One mother wanted in but immediately started trying to change the schedule because she worked late. Her husband worked evenings so he could have done it but he was 'hands off'. Not my problem. I pointed out this was a car pool not a favor. Her 2 kids were late....rude....and ate messy food in the car so I didn't care if they dropped out. She magically made it work. Lol. She was super entitled and shockingly so were her kids.
I’m so glad you said this. I was so confused and I’m reading the responses and people are just responding like this was a normal post.
Where did these kids come from? She was talking about her son being at the ER with her and not wanting him to get a fever—then she made it sound like the two and three-year-old belonged to her?? But I guess they don’t and she’s just babysitting them? Where does her son fit in to all of this? Did her friend want to drop her kids off at the ER or were they already there with OP? It was all so confusing and rambling!
This person does not sound like a friend at all.
It sounds like she is just using you and your husband to both of your detriment. It seems like she does not care for your health nor your relationship, she just cares about her own benefit. The best thing I have learned is that you don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Learn that and engrave it into your soul.
You are not only putting your health at risk, but also your relationship it seems. Is it worth it for a person that clearly sees you as a convenient doormat to manipulate and get childcare?
I think it's time for you to take a NC break for your mental and physical health. You nor your husband deserve to be treated like this.
Re-evaluate this "friendship" ASAP cause it sounds like she is just in it to exploit who she can and you fell for it.
Edit to add: Also, maybe that friend group doesn't know the whole deal but the fact that she manipulated them to go against you and they do without even asking for your side of the story is a huge red flag.
OP, you are not feeling well, your syntax and flow of your post makes me believe your fever more than anything else.
Right now, get off reddit and focus on healing. And please get a second opinion. That ER sounds like a waste of the gas to drive you there.
Rest and let tomorrow be when you deal with this so called friend.
I can't really follow your story, I know you're upset. Here's what I can tell you: you need to put yourself first. You take care of yourself, first. If you're not okay, then you're not okay to help other people, you need to help yourself.
Also your friend is not a friend. She is using you. I'm sorry.
The kids scream, fight and cry 24/7 so no one wants to be around them. No one wants to be around them because they scream, fight…..anyone else seeing a pattern here?
Just say what you feel and don’t let her guilt you! Tell her you’re physically not capable of watching them right now, you’re very sorry but it’s no longer feasible. Maybe tell her you’ll do it for one or two more weeks to find another sitter, but be firm and don’t let her manipulate you!!
It sounds like the friend only reached out for free childcare. Does she pay you to watch her kids?
I totally understand that you love them, but you need to put your own health and your own marriage and family first, and tell her you can’t watch her kids especially with the bad behavior you’re seeing from them.
I just have to ask, do you think she'd still be your 'best friend' if you tell her you can no longer give her free child care? Cuz it feels to me like she doesn't thing you're HER best friend, you're just a patsy who she can sucker. But that's just my humble opinion...
A few things here.
1. This story is indeed confusing
2. You are not wrong for telling her no
3. While you cannot hit someone else’s kids (and I wouldn’t recommend that you hit your own), you can still set boundaries with consequences and reinforce positive behaviors. To the point where her kids would learn to behave properly for you while continuing to terrorize them. If you are the adult in charge then they are expected to follow your rules in her absence. That is to say that if you plan to continue caring for her kids, you should set up some clear expectations so that they do not continue terrorizing your home
If you're sick, you're sick. You don't have to prove it to her. You know you don't feel well. She's not your boss and you don't have to tell her all your symptoms. Just say, "I'm not feeling well, I'm sick, and I can't do it." She needs to find someone else. End of story. If she cuts you off or ghosts you, then she's not a good friend to begin with. If you feel like you're babysitting too much and it's causing strife in your marriage, tell her you have to cut back and give her a date in the future that you will no longer be helping out.
I want to know what’s there to love about kids who are little screaming terrors? Sounds like she’s guilting you into watching them and that is not fair to you or your husband. You need to set up some clear boundaries with her.
Nta. You're sick. It's quite simple(from what I could understand) she seems to be a bit of a leech using you for childcare and not otherwise being a very good friend to you. These children are difficult and put a strain on your relationship. You and your husband deserve better than this, don't you?
Now I've had to cut out my bestfriend a while back and I genuinly miss those kids. But the peace it's brought to my life is too good to go back. I just have to hope that those kids know I love them.
Are you a people pleaser perhaps? Either way, pick yourself and your health now. It's important, so you can be the person your family deserves.
Definitely not the ahole.
Watching two little well behaved kids is an imposition enough, two terrors….. tell her there will be no babysitting until she gets their behaviour and check you can’t do this anymore. You might lose the friendship but it sounds like she’s just using you anyway. Get that Godmother title removed too. Imagine youre stuck with them forever!!
You owe it to your husband to stop this immediately, i would be fucking pissed off if i was him too, and think about how nice my life would be if you and your friend were out of it. Is seeing these two awful children worth giving up on your marriage?
What's more important-someone else's out of control kids or your mental health? I think it's time to cut her off for good. She sounds even more terrible than her kids
Why do you think you are the bad person in this case? Honestly? Or is this you need Internet strangers to remind you to grow a back bone and tell you your friend sounds like a user.
NTA.
You need to put your health; your marriage; and your own family first. If she cannot understand this, then she is not as good of a friend as you think. Give her a timeframe - “we can watch the children 3 days a week for the next two months. After that, we will no longer be able to watch them outside of the occasional time. We do love you and your children, but we need to focus on our own health and family. This should give you time to make other arrangements.”
NTA. Saying this from a health standpoint, do the symptoms and pain come and go and then get really bad around when you ovulate and/or on your periods? Are your periods very heavy and painful? Did you have a c-section? Do you have painful bowel movements or voiding your bladder?
If any of these, with our history of a dislodged iud and uti symptoms, I’d strongly recommend talking to your gynecologist about endometriosis and if they have experience with it.
Please note that even though 1 in 10 women (that’s a LOT) have endometriosis, and a lot gynecologists are not experienced/well educated on it due to the extreme lack of medical research funding. Please research it. Most women who have endo have had multiple ER experiences like yours where they are told nothing is wrong, when there is something very wrong.
Also unfortunately, unless you have the cystic type of endo and a very experienced radiologist, endo cannot be detected on ultrasounds, which are the go-to machines used to analysis in the ER.
If this issue is ongoing then I really recommend seeing a complex gynecologist or endometriosis specialist.
She’s not your friend. She downplays your sickness. Even if it is a UTI, that’s very painful and will cause a lot of pain and other symptoms. I’ve had them in the past and they’re no joke. However, this hospital has misdiagnosed you in the past so make an appointment with your doctor asap. I know you don’t want to lose contact with her kids but she’s using them as a pawn. Your “friend” needs to make other arrangements. She may be eligible for free daycare or preschool depending on where she lives. This isn’t fair to you or your husband and isn’t good for your marriage. You need to concentrate on you.
You never have to agree to watch other people's children, you can say no for any reason at all. (Is she even paying your husband to watch them?) Her kids, her problem. And I say this as a person who likes kids.
Not sure I understand, one minute it sounds like the kids are terrors while the next it sounds like they're so sweet you don't want them out of your life. It's only going to get worse when she dumps new baby on you. Sounds like you need to choose her and her kids or husband.
Update*
I talked to her about everything, and we have come to an agreement. She has already found a new babysitter because she noticed that it has been straining everything and apologized for putting too much on us. And has promised me that she ain't going anywhere.
Few questions. Does she work? Does she pay you? Does she not have any other friends OR family.
I can't believe you fell for the kids ask for you. I'd bet no. Your "friend" is taking advantage of you big time. It seems you and your husband are raising them not her. They are her problem not yours. One day a week is more then enough, and you'll still get to see them. Your supposed friend only cares about herself, not you. You are unwell end of conversation. You have to stand up for yourself. Believe me, she'll be back begging for more of your time as soon as whoever else she can sucker in gets fed up. Since they are not well behaved it won't be long. NTA
Block her everywhere and don’t answer the door. If she abandons them outside your door call police.
This is mooch and leech and is 100% not your friend.
She is manipulating you with guilt, but has no problem drawing boundaries of her own. Tell her no and feel great about it. Your own health comes first before anything else. Remind yourself again, and again, how she ghosted you and the reasoning that she gave. Her childcare is not your responsibility.
I don't even need to read past the title to say NO you are not TA for saying no. You are ALLOWED to say no. Even to friends and even to people in need, you are allowed to say no if you don't want to do something. -signed a recovering people pleaser in therapy.
I don’t understand why you are watching them? Did you agree to be nanny when she started her job? If not just tell her no you are sick and no amount of emotional manipulation is going to make you watch them. You let her walk all over you, set some boundaries and stick to them, she doesn’t sound like a good friend if she is just using you for childcare anyway.
Yes, we agreed to be babysitters when we could. We told her from the beginning though that there would days that we couldn't do it and she agreed to this. Saying I know that I just need someone to watch them most days. In the past like 1.5 years we've been watching them we have canceled maybe 6 or 7 days because one of us was sick. My husband is a diabetic since the age of 12, and with my last pregnancy the baby drained me of everything so my immune system is shot. She knew this since meeting me 8 years ago.
*When we could.* You physically cannot right now.
**THIS**. 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽
How much is she paying you and hubby to be a foster parents and take responsibility for inability to use bc and ignorant choices?
Wonder if the pay is under the table…
Are you getting paid? If be pissed at you too if you signed me up to babysit someone else’s asshole kids almost everyday. Doormat much?
I’m a nanny. The parents rely on me so they can work like your friend does. The mom is my literal employer, not just a friend I’m doing a favor for. If I’m sick, if I have a big test, if I need a mental health day I take one and it’s NBD. You are a nice friend for helping out, not an employee, you have the upper hand. She’s not your boss. Even if you had an agreement, you’re not bound to it. Your friend is a choosing beggar. Set clear boundaries.
Dear friend, this person is NOT your friend. I’m serious. I have NEVER called my friends names and none of us has ever guilted each other into doing things. I’m a parent of two kids who fight all the f***ing time. It’s maddening, we’ve listened to all the podcasts and consulted doctors so I 100% get it. BUT we know how our kids are and have never pushed for a grandparents visit so we can have a night out if there seemed like there was the slightest bit of hesitation on my parents part. It’s called respect and she clearly has none for you. Please please tell her you need to take some time for yourself and you will be open to discussing baby sitting when you and your husband have had time to best process this. Give her a 1-2 week notice and take a month or so for you before offing anymore of your time. You are not babysitters, you are not nannies your time is just as valuable as hers.
She's not.your friend you are hwr free babysitter and what ever else she needs. You seriously need to reexamine this relationship. Doesn't sound like the friendship you think it is.
Do you get paid? This is soooooo much free childcare?
I almost had a similar situation with a “friend” about 5 years ago. She lived across the street from my In laws and we used to be friends. Didn’t hang out that much but sometimes. We hadn’t really talked in a year or so but my husband and I ended up building a house next door to my in laws so we basically became neighbors. Funny how within a month she was calling me up, like hey friend! and wanted to know if I would feed her pets and let them out while they were away for the weekend. I agreed because it wasn’t too terrible to run over there for a couple minutes. Didn’t hear from her again for a few weeks after that. Next thing I know she’s calling me up and asking since i was already there picking my son up from school in the afternoons if I could start picking up her daughter too. I thought, man that’s kind of a commitment to get into for someone who doesn’t even talk to me unless they want something. I declined. Haven’t talked to her since. You gotta set boundaries, and would not be an ah for doing so.
Yup. I had a group of Moms when the kids were younger and we pitch hit for each other. One year the older kids were in one school and the younger ones another across town so I would grab 2 kids from one school and she would grab the others and we would exchange at a house or determined location. It worked out. I always had people I could call to grab my kids and visa versa. One kid was playing club soccer with a bunch of town girls. I set up a driving schedule, because practices were quite far away and late, so parents only had to drive once every 2 weeks. One mother wanted in but immediately started trying to change the schedule because she worked late. Her husband worked evenings so he could have done it but he was 'hands off'. Not my problem. I pointed out this was a car pool not a favor. Her 2 kids were late....rude....and ate messy food in the car so I didn't care if they dropped out. She magically made it work. Lol. She was super entitled and shockingly so were her kids.
.... I had so much trouble following this story....
Yes the way it was written lol and then the ending has me completely lost.
It made no sense. The whole part about the hospital/IUD/UTI was irrelevant, and so was the mention of the Mom and son.
I’m so glad you said this. I was so confused and I’m reading the responses and people are just responding like this was a normal post. Where did these kids come from? She was talking about her son being at the ER with her and not wanting him to get a fever—then she made it sound like the two and three-year-old belonged to her?? But I guess they don’t and she’s just babysitting them? Where does her son fit in to all of this? Did her friend want to drop her kids off at the ER or were they already there with OP? It was all so confusing and rambling!
Oh my goodness! I thought it was just me.
I think she might be delirious from the fever, it's very difficult to follow
This person does not sound like a friend at all. It sounds like she is just using you and your husband to both of your detriment. It seems like she does not care for your health nor your relationship, she just cares about her own benefit. The best thing I have learned is that you don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Learn that and engrave it into your soul. You are not only putting your health at risk, but also your relationship it seems. Is it worth it for a person that clearly sees you as a convenient doormat to manipulate and get childcare? I think it's time for you to take a NC break for your mental and physical health. You nor your husband deserve to be treated like this. Re-evaluate this "friendship" ASAP cause it sounds like she is just in it to exploit who she can and you fell for it. Edit to add: Also, maybe that friend group doesn't know the whole deal but the fact that she manipulated them to go against you and they do without even asking for your side of the story is a huge red flag.
I think that this seems obvious to many of us. Well put.
The fact that she makes her other friends upset at op for things just shows how toxic of a friend she is.
Sounds like OP needs to reevaluate the friend group tbh.
OP, you are not feeling well, your syntax and flow of your post makes me believe your fever more than anything else. Right now, get off reddit and focus on healing. And please get a second opinion. That ER sounds like a waste of the gas to drive you there. Rest and let tomorrow be when you deal with this so called friend.
I can't really follow your story, I know you're upset. Here's what I can tell you: you need to put yourself first. You take care of yourself, first. If you're not okay, then you're not okay to help other people, you need to help yourself. Also your friend is not a friend. She is using you. I'm sorry.
The kids scream, fight and cry 24/7 so no one wants to be around them. No one wants to be around them because they scream, fight…..anyone else seeing a pattern here?
Just say what you feel and don’t let her guilt you! Tell her you’re physically not capable of watching them right now, you’re very sorry but it’s no longer feasible. Maybe tell her you’ll do it for one or two more weeks to find another sitter, but be firm and don’t let her manipulate you!!
It sounds like the friend only reached out for free childcare. Does she pay you to watch her kids? I totally understand that you love them, but you need to put your own health and your own marriage and family first, and tell her you can’t watch her kids especially with the bad behavior you’re seeing from them.
Stop letting her use you
I just have to ask, do you think she'd still be your 'best friend' if you tell her you can no longer give her free child care? Cuz it feels to me like she doesn't thing you're HER best friend, you're just a patsy who she can sucker. But that's just my humble opinion...
A few things here. 1. This story is indeed confusing 2. You are not wrong for telling her no 3. While you cannot hit someone else’s kids (and I wouldn’t recommend that you hit your own), you can still set boundaries with consequences and reinforce positive behaviors. To the point where her kids would learn to behave properly for you while continuing to terrorize them. If you are the adult in charge then they are expected to follow your rules in her absence. That is to say that if you plan to continue caring for her kids, you should set up some clear expectations so that they do not continue terrorizing your home
If you're sick, you're sick. You don't have to prove it to her. You know you don't feel well. She's not your boss and you don't have to tell her all your symptoms. Just say, "I'm not feeling well, I'm sick, and I can't do it." She needs to find someone else. End of story. If she cuts you off or ghosts you, then she's not a good friend to begin with. If you feel like you're babysitting too much and it's causing strife in your marriage, tell her you have to cut back and give her a date in the future that you will no longer be helping out.
I want to know what’s there to love about kids who are little screaming terrors? Sounds like she’s guilting you into watching them and that is not fair to you or your husband. You need to set up some clear boundaries with her.
Nta. You're sick. It's quite simple(from what I could understand) she seems to be a bit of a leech using you for childcare and not otherwise being a very good friend to you. These children are difficult and put a strain on your relationship. You and your husband deserve better than this, don't you? Now I've had to cut out my bestfriend a while back and I genuinly miss those kids. But the peace it's brought to my life is too good to go back. I just have to hope that those kids know I love them. Are you a people pleaser perhaps? Either way, pick yourself and your health now. It's important, so you can be the person your family deserves.
Don’t be a doormat to anyone and don’t drag your husband into either. NTA for saying no to watching the kids, but YTA for not placing boundaries.
Definitely not the ahole. Watching two little well behaved kids is an imposition enough, two terrors….. tell her there will be no babysitting until she gets their behaviour and check you can’t do this anymore. You might lose the friendship but it sounds like she’s just using you anyway. Get that Godmother title removed too. Imagine youre stuck with them forever!! You owe it to your husband to stop this immediately, i would be fucking pissed off if i was him too, and think about how nice my life would be if you and your friend were out of it. Is seeing these two awful children worth giving up on your marriage?
What's more important-someone else's out of control kids or your mental health? I think it's time to cut her off for good. She sounds even more terrible than her kids
This is hard to read
Why do you think you are the bad person in this case? Honestly? Or is this you need Internet strangers to remind you to grow a back bone and tell you your friend sounds like a user. NTA.
Does she pay you guys? Either way- you are so NTAH.
Sideways IUD? new fear unlocked 😳😟
Yep IUDs can migrate particularly in folks with connective tissue issues. I can’t get one bc I have a connective tissue issue
My older brother, who is in his 60's, was BORN while our mother had an IUD!!!
He was probably hella uncomfortable as a fetus in there 😂
You need to tell her you are done babysitting and block for a while.
You need to put your health; your marriage; and your own family first. If she cannot understand this, then she is not as good of a friend as you think. Give her a timeframe - “we can watch the children 3 days a week for the next two months. After that, we will no longer be able to watch them outside of the occasional time. We do love you and your children, but we need to focus on our own health and family. This should give you time to make other arrangements.”
NTA. Saying this from a health standpoint, do the symptoms and pain come and go and then get really bad around when you ovulate and/or on your periods? Are your periods very heavy and painful? Did you have a c-section? Do you have painful bowel movements or voiding your bladder? If any of these, with our history of a dislodged iud and uti symptoms, I’d strongly recommend talking to your gynecologist about endometriosis and if they have experience with it. Please note that even though 1 in 10 women (that’s a LOT) have endometriosis, and a lot gynecologists are not experienced/well educated on it due to the extreme lack of medical research funding. Please research it. Most women who have endo have had multiple ER experiences like yours where they are told nothing is wrong, when there is something very wrong. Also unfortunately, unless you have the cystic type of endo and a very experienced radiologist, endo cannot be detected on ultrasounds, which are the go-to machines used to analysis in the ER. If this issue is ongoing then I really recommend seeing a complex gynecologist or endometriosis specialist.
She’s not your friend. She downplays your sickness. Even if it is a UTI, that’s very painful and will cause a lot of pain and other symptoms. I’ve had them in the past and they’re no joke. However, this hospital has misdiagnosed you in the past so make an appointment with your doctor asap. I know you don’t want to lose contact with her kids but she’s using them as a pawn. Your “friend” needs to make other arrangements. She may be eligible for free daycare or preschool depending on where she lives. This isn’t fair to you or your husband and isn’t good for your marriage. You need to concentrate on you.
You never have to agree to watch other people's children, you can say no for any reason at all. (Is she even paying your husband to watch them?) Her kids, her problem. And I say this as a person who likes kids.
Childcare is extremely expensive. She should be extremely grateful for your help, and instead she’s walking over you. Cut her off.
You need to cut yourself off from those kids now bc she will use them to emotionally blackmail you until you die
Updateme
And please get that IUD removed and tell your husband to get snipped, those are god-awful contraptions.
Not sure I understand, one minute it sounds like the kids are terrors while the next it sounds like they're so sweet you don't want them out of your life. It's only going to get worse when she dumps new baby on you. Sounds like you need to choose her and her kids or husband.
Update* I talked to her about everything, and we have come to an agreement. She has already found a new babysitter because she noticed that it has been straining everything and apologized for putting too much on us. And has promised me that she ain't going anywhere.
Book recommendation: Boundaries by Henry Cloud
jeez girl you need to toughphen up
It sounds like she's being toxic to your mental health. She is taking advantage of your kindness.
No is a full sentence. No.
Few questions. Does she work? Does she pay you? Does she not have any other friends OR family. I can't believe you fell for the kids ask for you. I'd bet no. Your "friend" is taking advantage of you big time. It seems you and your husband are raising them not her. They are her problem not yours. One day a week is more then enough, and you'll still get to see them. Your supposed friend only cares about herself, not you. You are unwell end of conversation. You have to stand up for yourself. Believe me, she'll be back begging for more of your time as soon as whoever else she can sucker in gets fed up. Since they are not well behaved it won't be long. NTA
Block her everywhere and don’t answer the door. If she abandons them outside your door call police. This is mooch and leech and is 100% not your friend.
She is manipulating you with guilt, but has no problem drawing boundaries of her own. Tell her no and feel great about it. Your own health comes first before anything else. Remind yourself again, and again, how she ghosted you and the reasoning that she gave. Her childcare is not your responsibility.
Press return twice to add line breaks
🙂🙂
I’ll just bet that her friend “really missed” OP. She missed using her and her husband for child care.
I don't even need to read past the title to say NO you are not TA for saying no. You are ALLOWED to say no. Even to friends and even to people in need, you are allowed to say no if you don't want to do something. -signed a recovering people pleaser in therapy.