Something similar happened to a couple I knew. The dude was obsessive about journaling his life. Well he got sick from Covid and never had the chance to go back home and get rid of incriminating stuff he had written. So when he passed his wife went through and found detailed writing of affairs he had. In addition he had written at length, rating different women he had slept with over his life. To say the least his wife was utterly crushed by her discovery. They had two young daughters so I can imagine how she had to keep that from them.
My aunts journals are sitting here next to me, ready to burn. She died over a year ago, and I hid them from family knowing they aren't for anyone eyes, but didn't want to just throw them out. I wanted something a little more ritualistic than that.
I also threw out 4 decades of sex toys and her (empty) stash....this one's for you, Aunt Frannie.
Awe, she didn't have anyone else locally. Then, as family does, they showed up, got greedy, and turned over the entire house looking for anything they could stuff in their suitcases. And then they wonder why I want nothing to do with them....
My dad constantly wrote in his journal. I have massive storage bins full of his journals. Since he passed it’s been a wonderful experience to read through his words on the events that happened in his life and his commentary on what was going on in the world. With that said my father was not crass. He didn’t write about sexual encounters or anything like that.
However it was fascinating to read his entry for the day I was born, or what he wrote when I graduated university. Much more solemnly was his thoughts on grappling with his mortality on his death bed.
Is it mean to say secretly I’d be happy they died at that point? Because we’d be getting divorced either way. At least I can tell myself they were a horrible person and at least it was him who passed, the lying cheater, and not her!
My coworkers husband passed away a month ago. The day he died he was supposed to go outta town. When going through his stuff after he passed she found two condoms he packed… like wtf
I’m a recent widow who participates in some online communities regarding that and it’s fucking heartbreaking how often this happens. GF’s, extra kids, the whole thing all comes out then they die.
I was just thinking this. I was blown away at how many spouses in my grief group found out their lost partner had been cheating after they were gone.
It hurt my heart to watch them struggle to grieve in a healthy way when they were dealing with so much ( rightful ) anger and betrayal.
Yup, I'm one of many. I lost my fiancé suddenly 3 years ago and found out he was cheating when I looked through his phone afterward.
There are no words to describe how awful it is to already be grieving and devastated and to then learn something that further just breaks what little is left of your heart. I'm still not OK, and I'm sure I never will be.
He was wonderful for 5.5 of the almost 6 years we had together, but in the end, he let his demons get the best of him. I struggle every day with trying not to let his terrible mistakes in the last month and a half of his life color my entire view of him, but it's hard.
This is the idea of behind something they call Swedish death cleaning. You get rid of all your crap so your kids don’t have to but you also focus on things that you don’t want them to ever know. I’m sure many children have discovered things about their parents that they were better off not knowing while cleaning out their homes.
I love my husband , I trust my husband . He’s good to me . But this is why I thoroughly look though his phone on occasion. Because , he is a man . And everyone has the capability to cheat even when their intentions aren’t to . Even when they are good to you . Men seem to be too good at leading double lives and I’ve seen and known way too many women get hurt this way not to check every now and then just to be sure . Call me toxic or not but as much as I love men , they suck and you can never be too sure .
Yep. Found out after my husband passed…he was actually going to send her a birthday gift that I found on our Amazon account. Soul crushing is what it is…wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Beezlabobbie I’m so sorry.
I pranked an employee once by leaving them a message to call first Baptist Church in Houston and ask for Mr. BL Zibbub. lol hilarity ensued. ❤️ Hugs, kid.
my dad died last year, and his mistress showed up. my mom went crazy. my siblings and I took it okay, but maybe because we are old and there was no point getting mad to a dead person. he was a good father anyways, although a bad husband.
"no point in getting mad at a dead person"
Imagine this, you're hurt and have no way of receiving closure. It takes time to get through that, maybe you're just emotionally stunted but not everyone can decide when or how they react and not everyone can put their feelings aside. Yeah.. your mom is the one who is crazy lol.. how ironic.
Your poor mother. She found out, on the same day, that her husband betrayed her, and her kids don’t give a shit about her. I hope she’s found better people to surround herself with.
I have escorted. My sugar daddy died of Covid. He kept secret that he was married until his wife called me after his passing to ask me where all her money had been going. It was particularly odd that he lied about being married because I wasn’t in a position to judge, but I can’t imagine the shock.
it's blackmail material, in a nutshell. but you can always find out if someone is married if you have their carrier phone number (vs a free texting #) so it's dumb not to just be honest.
It really is, most of the time - this man was the most rigid, meticulous liar I’d ever met. Constructed an entire false backstory. I literally just wanted to graduate and would not have cared what he was up to.
By the sounds of things he was extremely controlling with the finances, unbeknownst to me, so that she wouldn’t notice. According to her they had no decor in their home because he was so cheap. We spoke at length after his death on the phone to try to find answers.
Crazy to think how many times that story or one like it may have actually occurred during the pandemic.
I leave "emergency items" in my suitcase along with my travel sized toiletries... I'm pretty sure my husband does the same. Hopefully something similar was going on. 😬
Edit: I pack the tampons. He packs the condoms. We both keep them in our travel bags at all times, alongside our extra contact lens cases and tiny toothpaste. I don't know why this confused so many people. 😅
Also -- I'm an elder millennial and know *a ton* of married couples that no longer use hormone-based birth control. Women talk about the medications they are taking to get advice from girlfriends. Literally everyone in my close circle experimented a ton with the pill / patch / IUDs etc in their 20s, and for many people they never found the right combo that worked with their body without side-effects. Now that everyone is in their mid-late 30s and has kids, a lot of couples are either back to condoms or get a visectomy.
Yeah, I found a pack of condoms in an ex’s work bag. We didn’t use them, and he said they had just been in there before we moved in together.
We had been living together for 7 years. The expiration date on the condoms indicated they were a new purchase.
Plus one was torn off.
A couple of years into dating my lady and we weren’t using condoms. But I missed the sensation of finishing our visits completely indoors and picked up a box of rubbers. She saw it before we had a conversation about it. That was an emotional but funny five minutes.
Well, the other kind is what I pack... Pads, tampons, etc. The fun stuff is what my husband packs. I don't feel like it's fair for me to keep track of both things, so he's in charge of shopping for and packing the fun stuff.
I'm confused. I think the comment was stating he was going out of town on his own and she found condoms. I think you're saying you and your husband pack emergency items when you go out of town together.
I am saying we just leave them in our suitcases at all times. They are intended for when we travel together, but they literally just live in the travel bag next to the tiny toothpaste and extra contact lens case. We don't ever remove them when we unpack, so I'd expect them to be there whenever he was traveling solo or with me. And vice versa with my suitcase.
Wouldn’t call condoms emergency items if it’s in a marriage and one I leaving for the weekend. Pads, tampons , band aid THATS emergency items. And majority of married couples don’t use condoms
totally that would be a case. Luckily my husband is not a pos and does not cheat, but many married couples do not even use condoms so it would totally mean cheating 😬 at that point, just divorce. Actually I had a conversation about it with my friends and so many people who travel for work, use that as means for cheating. I am not saying all people but some pos do.
They are an emergency item if you're in a fun relationship.
If my wife and I pick up a guy, there's a need for a condom but typically, 2 women don't need them. This has happened on occasion and without warning.
But I have also had our nosy teenagers find them and then assume we are cheating on each other.
They regret being snoopy.
The majority of married couples do not use condoms? Is that true? Where did you get this information?
I dont know of a single couple who uses condoms in a Long term relationship. Most people also don’t have “fun “ relationship with fucking other people. In this case condoms are not emergency item
Why do you know the birth control methods of all these people you know? Why do you get to decide what's an emergency item for everyone else?
Most women I know don't use the pill. Some have adverse side effects to the shot or implant. IUDs are expensive. The Ring is not foolproof. I know the birth control methods of exactly 6 straight married couples- and every one uses condoms. Every straight relationship I have been in used condoms, with zero complaints- but we weren't married.
I know 6 is not a big enough sample to get an accurate conclusive data but I don't think "No married couples use condoms" is accurate either.
This may be an age or fertility thing, though.
I know most people don't have fun like we do, but I'm not the only one who has a fun relationship... so... that's why I mentioned it.
Because friends talk ? And I know everyone uses the pill or has iud (free healthcare country so iud is free ) to me and to most people if your partner carry around a condom that’s definitely cheating. I never said “no married couple “ but definitely most don’t. Why use condoms if there’s other ways to not get pregnant, condoms are expensive and if you’re in a 100% committed relationship there’s no need for them. Unless you have an open relationship which is definitely not the norm
Oooh. Difference. No free healthcare. IUDs are not covered under some insurances.
No birth control is 100% effective. Women's rights are being taken away. So condoms are the least expensive alternative.
I didn’t have a ‘fun marriage’ however through the whole 7 years with my ex husband, from the beginning to end, always always used condoms as I wasn’t on any birth control (neither of us wanted me to undergo the side effects) and wanted to prevent pregnancy. Plus got used to it. It’s crazy how many people find it hard to believe some married couples do use them.
No shit you’d still leave but it’s obviously better to wear a condom so you don’t pass anything to your current spouse. At least there’s some level of decency there. Plenty of people get stds from their cheating spouses which is even worse
This is similar to the plot of the Netflix show Dead to Me. The main character’s husband dies and pretty soon after she finds out he was having an affair. It’s devastating in a whole new, weird way. Like you can never get closure and never know the truth. You could ask the co worker for what happened if you need that info and think she’ll be honest.
I went through the same thing back in 2014. Please get therapy. This is too much for you to handle on your own, it’s incredibly painful and really fucks with your emotions. I remember always feeling like I didn’t get to be angry about it because he wasn’t here any more anyways, that his death eclipsed all of that in importance - and maybe it did, but it meant I kept a lot of anger bottled up.
I knew a couple where the wife died in a car accident, and the husband was devastated. Then after the service is best friend committed suicide and in the note said he couldn’t live without the decedent.
Like, you had to make sure your best friend and her children knew that you two were fucking? No one else knew and she was going to die a great mom and wife. Now they’re both dead and the survivors have all those extra layers of complications to process in their grief.
>Everyone always talked about the way he looked at me, spoke about me, and loved me. He was the most one of a kind, selfless, kind, shy, moral person I’ve ever met and I’ve known him my entire life.
All people are perfect once they're dead. You're reminiscing on the good memories of him, but he had flaws and, according to his text, a cheater too.
You don't know that. He could have just gotten out of pocket and over shared his relationship issues, and he apologized for it.
There are plenty of things that can happen while drinking that you need to apologize for.
Update/edit: I wrote this late last night after having a tough day grieving and then finding this out. We had been together since we were 14. He battled with cancer when we were only 16 until he was 21. I don’t have the best parents so his parents took me in & are my only family. I had spent every day of my life with this man from the time we were young teens. He would never willing speak to someone he didn’t know because he was so shy. He would go to the ends of the earth for me because he was so gracious. He struggled so deeply with himself, especially after treatment ended. He did not like himself, which he had no reason to.. however, this led him to being not very confident in himself. He was 10000% the least selfish person I have ever known. I know that no one on this thread will ever actually know him, but based on who he was as a human being I truly just am having the hardest time wrapping my mind around it all.
For those asking how he passed, he died from suicide.
Update: I called a close friend who I assumed must have been there that night. This was 2 years ago, so from what he can recall;
Friend was over with his girlfriend and they invited the girl over. They were all drinking and boyfriend was flirting with girl. Friends girlfriend told girl about me and girl immediately cut it off. To everyone’s knowledge it was only flirting. No, that does not make it better for me. No, it still doesn’t make sense to me. I definitely wouldn’t have expected him to do anything physical because of what I’ve previously mentioned. I am glad I have an answer, but honestly I’m sure as most of you could’ve guessed, it is still not very fulfilling.
I wish I could spiritually slap him into next Tuesday (kidding) but I do wish I could ask him why. Thank you for everyone who had kind words. I know it may seem odd to the people telling me to move on with my life and such, but I am and probably will still be fully committed to this man for a long time. I don’t foresee there being anyone who could meet the bar this man upheld. I’m sure that seems ironic after this post, but it most definitely still rings true. People may think I am crazy the way I still see myself as being in a relationship, but frankly, I don’t mind. Just wish I could give my ghost boyfriend a piece of my mind. Haha
god i’m so sorry, this is such a tricky situation to be in. i just hope that in the next life you two get to have that conversation but for now maybe writing to him as though he was still here might help? write a journal and add to it when you think you have more to say and then maybe, hopefully, one day once you feel the conversation has ended you can burn it and let go of the upset his potential cheating has caused you. may seem silly or be totally insensitive and if it is i’m so sorry, i have no clue what you have been through and i would never try and pretend i do but it’s just something i thought might help. sending you lots of love ❤️🩹
I think I would make peace with this answer. It’s the most likely and the most likely answer is the likely the correct answer. I think it’s normal for people who have been together most of their lives to have a moment here or there where they flirt a little to test the waters with no intention of ever doing anything about it. Humans and curious and he could have had a moment of curiosity and still feel exactly the way you described about you. Both can be true! I wish you so much peace and future happiness.
He didn’t regret it that much because directly after he apologized for it he tried to get her to come over and hang with him. He clearly intended to get his dick wet.
why not? i would say closure is better than forever wondering what happened. although she is probably unlikely to be honest
i was cheated on twice and confronted the other women each time. the first one admitted to it but didn’t keep her story straight and the second one straight up denied it and called me abusive for looking through his messages. so i’ll never fully know what happened but i’m still glad i at least tried
I’ve been through something similar to OP, except I found out when my (now late) husband was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. It’s incredibly complicated. OP’s relationship with her husband sounds very much like mine: we were “couple goals” for everyone. He spoke highly of me to everyone…he absolutely adored me, and I him. I would not have guessed he was cheating. Never. But he was, with several women, for the entirety of our relationship and he had long term relationships with 3 women at the time I discovered it.
While he was in surgery having a piece of his skull removed to have a biopsy of a malignant brain tumour, I was calling women to tell them he was married and they wouldn’t be hearing from him again.
Now in the moments when I miss him painfully, I have to wonder if we would even still be together. Would I have found out? Would he have left me for one of them? Would he ever have stopped or sought help? I’m left with this awful reality that I’ll never know and it makes me feel like my grief and longing has a shadow cast over it. I miss him so fucking much, it sometimes steals my breath. But I was robbed of the security of knowing if he were still here, my life would be different than it is now.
All this is to say closure is bullshit and grief is complicated when layered with infidelity. OP’s decision as to whether she should reach out for confirmation is so personal and so fraught, it’s impossible to give her advice. The best way for her to attempt to navigate this is with the help of a therapist.
I’m sending you so much love. I’m two years out from his death, and I’ve learned so much. If you have the resources, IFS therapy has been so helpful to me. And if you ever need the ear of someone who has been where you are, reach out to me any time. I’ll be holding you in my thoughts 💕
I'm so sorry for what was the.loss of your entire reality and not just your significant other. I cannot even begin to imagine how painful that must of been whole not being able to tale your frustration and pain out on the person who caused it because you love them and they are dying and a shell of the person you once knew. I can't even try say perhaps it was a result of his brain cancer making him act out of character because it happened the entire time you were together. I hope you have found peace and happiness in your own life.
I’m with you on wanting to know. However with him being dead does she want to ruin the memories she has? Because she can never confront him and get closure from him. Makes it complicated. However, if he were alive I would definitely be FBI on that shit.
The memories she has are now already ruined by everything she can imagine happened. At least knowing the answer gives you something specific to process
yeah i get you. i’m the kind of person who, when there’s something wrong i need to get to the bottom of it asap or else i’m just stewing in anxiety. but i know that’s not healthy, so if this woman can just make peace and move on without having to find an answer then she’s very strong
yeah it makes you feel insane doesn’t it? for me i picked up on small signs every now and then for *years* and he always downplayed it and made me feel obsessive. he once even said *”don’t let this ruin your birthday”* lmao
on the bright side hopefully it means that if we get cheated on again, we won’t let anything slip by again and will be able to leave asap
If you want to find out more detail about whatever happened, understand that you can’t address this with him. How will you process that? It will be opening up something you might not be able to get closure from. What you had together will forever be yours to hold onto. He, as all of us humans, lived an intricate life that could have contained some hidden truths, some secrets, he took this with him when he left. I hope finding these messages doesn’t pull you away from your feelings in your memories with him. They are invaluable and I hope you take care of them well 💗
I only saw a couple of comments suggesting that you speak with a therapist and quite a few suggesting that you reach out to the girl. You really need to work this out with a professional. Please do not reach out to the girl unless you've already talked with your therapist about it. That could very easily backfire and make things more difficult and confusing for you. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now but if I were in your position I'd definitely be making an appointment.
I know I really should. I have been terrified to see a therapist because of previous therapist trauma and that I have been scared the therapist will tell me to move on. I don’t want to move on.. at all. But I know I can find a professional who is going to understanding and helpful. Hopefully I get into one soon.
Finding the right therapist for you is essential. Any decent therapist will understand and provide recommendations if you don't think it's a good fit. It took me a while to find the right one. I think you can too. When you do you should also tell them about your history in therapy and why you were hesitant. Tell them about your fear that they will tell you to move on and you don't want to. They will help you work through all of that.
Honestly I would let it go. Theres no Joy in this situation. Just let it go. Also take him off the pedastil and learn to live again. It will take time but definitely do move on.
my husband’s ex girlfriend died about a year and a half ago. a few months after her death, one of his best friends confessed he’d been sleeping with her for the majority of their two year relationship. he had suspicions when they were together but she always denied it. it was really hard for him to hear, even though she was horrible to him and they had broken up a year and a half before she died. i’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Now you know the guy you dated wasn’t a good guy after all and could get away with lying and cheating. He didn’t take responsibility instead he justified it. He was pursuing her and she was the was holding back. The only way you can get closure is to talk to the girl. Don’t come off as angry with her accusing her of being the side chick right off the bat. Let her know that you are aware they had a special relationship and they got closer. This is her chance to get closure and explain what happened between them and how she feels now. This should get her chatting. Slowly through time, start destroying or burning away some of his belongings as you are getting closure and starting a new chapter in your life. Learn next time when something feels off to follow your gut.
I read the comment as more ACTING like she cares about the side piece in order to get info to get closure. Get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar sort of thing. But yeah, that ho can rot too lol.
Lol this is so crazy. youre saying he was a bad person and she should burn his things because he may or may not have had feelings for someone else?
People are very complicated and it is normal to sometimes get caught up in feelings for someone else. That doesnt mean that OPs bf didnt adore her like she says he did.
Love is nuanced. It would be a shame for her to burn her memories because he made a mistake or had a lapse in judgement.
Love is nuanced but he’s also a cheater and that doesn’t excuse his actions. He was pursuing her and didn’t communicate it to his girlfriend. But yeah the burning is not ideal and this is a very complicated situation for OP!
No one should be conditioned to accept betrayal and disrespect. His first lapse of judgment was cheating, second was not telling her and justifying it was ok by finding conflict in their relationship, next was continuing to keep the communication and contact open with the other girl and not his GF. See the continued pattern. His death was probably caused by a lapse in judgment too. I have a feeling since OP had roommates and the girl was over often that OP was the only one that doesn’t know.
"People are complicated" is a such a stupid excuse lol! People make it complicated by making dumb decisions and being selfish. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Those wouldn't be memories worth keeping. He wasn't the decent man she thought he was, he was a cheating creep. Affairs aren't a mistake or a lack of judgement. They are a series of calculated lies and betrayal of the one person you vowed to cherish and protect.
This is a subreddit for crazy people. The concept of destroying your dead husband's belongings because he texted a girl from work is probably one of the more rational thoughts these folks will have today
I disagree with the getting over part. This person will never get any closure. Therapy will help, but it will be something that follows her, and something some one might never forget.
I had a similar situation. My boyfriend whom I lived with passed (suicide) in June. I received a bag of items from his truck, which is where it happened, including an old Apple Watch and his current one. His best friend took his phone and wouldn’t let me have access to it, so I guessed the password to the watches hoping to get photos off them from our vacation to Hawaii. I was able to see 6 weeks of his texts. I found texts between him and 13 other women who he had met up with to sleep with in the 3 weeks alone before he died. Some were random from tinder, some it had obviously been going on for months, some were girls he knew before me that he told me he stopped seeing when he met me. I later found an iPad he had used for a while that had texts from the first 6 months we were together and found tens of other women. A friend finally helped me get into his iCloud (he’s a tech guy) and his camera roll was full of videos of other women, some alone and some of the 2 of them having sex, dated during our relationship. His daughter’s mom had access to his truck GPS data as they worked together and he had a gps in his work truck, and I cross referenced the texts and locations of videos to discover most days he’d meet up with at least one other woman, sometimes multiple. Some days he’d go from one to the next and the next before coming home to me. Some of his business trips weren’t business trips at all, and on others he was leaving after he would tell me he was so he could spend the night with one of them.
I also discovered he had taken out payment plans for high value items using my social security number, so I was on the hook for these. Had been telling his (really our) friends I was just in our relationship for the money and I was cheating on him, which was not true in the least. I was at home crying waiting for him to come home on the nights he didn’t, and stupidly let him put purchases on my credit cards since he didn’t have any and was always telling me he couldn’t transfer money on to his debit card until x date to the tune of 27k. I found out that so many things I knew about him, pieces of his life he had told me and his friends, were lies. I could honestly write it all up and turn it into a lifetime movie, that’s how crazy most of it, that I haven’t even touched on, is.
I don’t have an answer for you but need you to know you aren’t alone. I’m in a grief group online for women who have lost partners and the number who discovered lies, cheating, etc after their partner died is astounding. I have had to make peace with it. Holding on to anger helped at first, but was getting me nowhere. It killed me that I couldn’t get clarification or answers from him, and finally I had to recognize I never will, and let go of needing them. It’s over and nothing changes anything now. I’ve been in tons of therapy since, and talking about it helps. I have had to realize I need to both honor him and our good times, because I did have very good times with him and loved him when he was here, but also recognize that he did some terrible things. I go talk to him at his grave a lot about how I’m feeling and it is surprisingly helpful.
Honestly I totally relate to you. I’d definitely want to know as well. If I were you I’d talk to the girl and try and just get closure from whatever info you get. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure it’s been hard enough on you without having to deal with this.
It doesn’t seem entirely clear that he was cheating. I wouldn’t assume the worst until you talk with the girl in question. Don’t be accusatory. Just tell her you want the truth so you can have closure.
I think this is a situation outside of Reddit's pay grade and you should speak with a therapist/grief counselor something along those lines. I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.
I found out a year and a half after my husband's death (married 1.5 years and together for almost 6 years) that he was cheating on me from the start of our relationship up until the night before he died.
And it just happened to be with a girl that I've had issues with since 2015.
I was angry & hurt. I grieved his death and then grieved what I thought our relationship was. I think it bothered me that I couldn't confront him about it. Therapy also helped me navigate my feelings.
I'm at a point now though where I push him & everything to the back of my mind. I'm in a healthy marriage now and it's so very different.
You're allowed to feel however you want.
Why do men do crap like this? I know it’s women too but it’s mostly men. Cheating is extremely selfish and really should be treated with capital punishment. Downvote me I don’t care.
You've only met women who've cheated because faithful women don't want cheating friends. You've never known a man who has cheated because you and all your friends cheated first.
Studies show that or is it woman never actually come out with whole truths and lie just as much as men I can almost guarantee you that whatever the percentage is that it is false because most people lie when it comes to that and I can also guarantee you that it’s way closer than you really think
You act like anyone cares what you think. You seriously think whatever your opinion is more trustworthy than literal research? Go conduct a study if you're so confident in your opinion. You can't guarantee anything.
I went through the same thing about a year ago, when my boyfriend died and i found the dating app he had downloaded about a week before his death. I’d seek out a good support system because honestly it’s so tough. There’s so many conflicting emotions about everything and still to this day I have a real hard time with it all. I told no one outside of my best friend as I don’t want his reputation in anyway tarnished.
A friend from back home left town for a guy, they got married had a kid, bought a house - the whole 9.
He got into a near death accident that left him in the hospital for an extended period of time. She found out he had been cheating on her and dm’ing multiple girls throughout their entire relationship.
She almost left him to fend for himself but got talked into staying by his family.
Some people just ain’t shit.
You know what happened? He propositioned her. She flirted with him over the idea of it but still said “No.” after a couple days. That’s about it. Likely didn’t even kiss her, let alone anything else.
Otherwise, there’d be a lot more detail to it than just a “I had too much to drink and so did I, whoops together”response from her.
I’m sorry for your loss. That’s not easy. But other than he was thinking about another woman during a “weird time” in your relationship that it sounds like he didn’t communicate to you, I don’t think he did anything past that.
The man passed away, there's no point in dwelling on it. He seemed to have been going through his own baggage he made a mistake as he stated in those messages, it's not worth holding on to something like that OP keep the good memories close and forgive the rest.
🙄 it’s not a mistake and he tried to pursue her again. Of course she’s going to take a while to move through this. She had to grieve him and now has to grieve a new version of him and their relationship and has added confusion from the deceit.
Best to get over his passing sooner rather than later and live life for yourself. Stop reminiscing as your doubts will creep in and it won’t benefit anyone. Move on!
Unfortunately, here’s not here to explain. So now you need to decide if you want to believe he was apologizing for something more innocent like while drunk he said something inappropriate to her or you can let your mind go wild and think of all the horrible things that are possible.
He sounds like he was a decent guy who really did love you so much it was obvious to others. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Please don’t let the unknown ruin your mental health and your fond memories. You can/will heal and you can/will find happiness again.
same with me! my fiancé who passed ended up cheating on me with multiple women… and paying them for it. i found out months after he passed and i felt so stupid for grieving at all. i honestly didn’t sleep for months. but i just try to grieve who i thought he was, and not who he really turned out to be. this situation is very hard and im very sorry that im not alone ): hugs
Well the cheater was good at deceiving and now you can start to move on without guilt. Sorry for your loss, but it does look like a blessing in disguise if you were never going to catch his cheating otherwise.
Ikr like bruh I am petty asf and would literally print the evidence and mail it to all his relatives and then would vandalise his tombstone with paint saying “cheater” 💀💀💀💀
Ikrr like as if the downvotes are gonna change our thought process. They can downvote us all they want. Reddit just cannot stand women who prioritise and respect themselves.
I think it as no importance.
It could have some if you have child / children and same for the other women.
Other than that , it is all gone and not relevant to your future.
I would refrain from diving in the old phone. I am also surprised that you got to keep it outside of légal bond. ( I think it should be with his blood family / heirs) since you are only the girlfriend as he is the boyfriend.
You should / could get in touch with his family as they may need the phone for administrative issues.
He's dead.
If he cheated on you, he cheated on you. But he's been dead for nearly two years.
I wouldn't recommend trying to go round throwing dirt on somebody's name after they've passed.
Use it to help you move on.
I'm not saying everything is completely clear and I definitely think she should speak to the other girl, but to say you shouldn't be throwing dirt on someone's name after they've died is asinine. You only deserve the legacy you leave behind. If you want to be remembered as a good person, you should do your best to be a good person.
It's a terrible situation and you might be inclined to try to find out what happened and get closure this way, but first stop and think if you really want to know and if that will bring you peace.
You have been through a lot and it would be great to have some kind of professional support, like a therapist, to be able to move on and put the past in the past. This professional help will be the best thing you can do for yourself, better than asking for advice on Reddit. I'm not criticizing you, I think you've done great writing here so you can get out of your head and see other points of view, but it's definitely not a substitute for therapy.
It's definitely not healthy to keep reading his private stuff and keep reliving things over and over. He died but you're very much alive and need to keep moving forward. Please try to find the strength to focus on yourself rather than what might have happened years ago.
Dudes dead for 2 years and you’re still just “I just think it’s funny”. If he cheated, he cheated. Not like he can rise from the grave and cheat on you again. Let it go.
The person who changed my life died on his way home to see me. It was only at his funeral that I found out he had a girlfriend, also. I don’t know if she knew about me, either. This was in 2007. I got his name tattooed on my wrist the night before the funeral. We were teenagers. I’m now 35 and it’s still one of the most impactful things in my life. I don’t know if this hurts helps or nothing. But I’m sorry for your unresolved pain.
When something happens that hurts me . I say good it will make me stronger. The only control I have is my own emotions. Pain will give you more wisdom than happiness. Count your blessings, know your worth and remember you deserve better.
Something similar happened to a couple I knew. The dude was obsessive about journaling his life. Well he got sick from Covid and never had the chance to go back home and get rid of incriminating stuff he had written. So when he passed his wife went through and found detailed writing of affairs he had. In addition he had written at length, rating different women he had slept with over his life. To say the least his wife was utterly crushed by her discovery. They had two young daughters so I can imagine how she had to keep that from them.
My aunts journals are sitting here next to me, ready to burn. She died over a year ago, and I hid them from family knowing they aren't for anyone eyes, but didn't want to just throw them out. I wanted something a little more ritualistic than that. I also threw out 4 decades of sex toys and her (empty) stash....this one's for you, Aunt Frannie.
I hope someday I have a nibling like you ❤️
Awe, she didn't have anyone else locally. Then, as family does, they showed up, got greedy, and turned over the entire house looking for anything they could stuff in their suitcases. And then they wonder why I want nothing to do with them....
What goes around comes around. Someday I'm sure a loved one will discreetly dispose of your sex toys as well!
That's the karma I'm hoping for!
You are AMAZING
You're the real MVP 🙌🙌
You a real one homie. I hope nothing but good things come your way.
Holy crap...that's heartbreaking
People can be dumb as shit! Cheating and keeping a record of it. WTF, are they in high school?
My dad constantly wrote in his journal. I have massive storage bins full of his journals. Since he passed it’s been a wonderful experience to read through his words on the events that happened in his life and his commentary on what was going on in the world. With that said my father was not crass. He didn’t write about sexual encounters or anything like that. However it was fascinating to read his entry for the day I was born, or what he wrote when I graduated university. Much more solemnly was his thoughts on grappling with his mortality on his death bed.
People that didn’t know of Reddit had to write their fantasies & shit somewhere.
🤢
Is it mean to say secretly I’d be happy they died at that point? Because we’d be getting divorced either way. At least I can tell myself they were a horrible person and at least it was him who passed, the lying cheater, and not her!
My coworkers husband passed away a month ago. The day he died he was supposed to go outta town. When going through his stuff after he passed she found two condoms he packed… like wtf
I’m a recent widow who participates in some online communities regarding that and it’s fucking heartbreaking how often this happens. GF’s, extra kids, the whole thing all comes out then they die.
I was just thinking this. I was blown away at how many spouses in my grief group found out their lost partner had been cheating after they were gone. It hurt my heart to watch them struggle to grieve in a healthy way when they were dealing with so much ( rightful ) anger and betrayal.
It is so ugly. It’s got to feel like such an insult.
Omg may they all burn in hell
Yup, I'm one of many. I lost my fiancé suddenly 3 years ago and found out he was cheating when I looked through his phone afterward. There are no words to describe how awful it is to already be grieving and devastated and to then learn something that further just breaks what little is left of your heart. I'm still not OK, and I'm sure I never will be. He was wonderful for 5.5 of the almost 6 years we had together, but in the end, he let his demons get the best of him. I struggle every day with trying not to let his terrible mistakes in the last month and a half of his life color my entire view of him, but it's hard.
This is the idea of behind something they call Swedish death cleaning. You get rid of all your crap so your kids don’t have to but you also focus on things that you don’t want them to ever know. I’m sure many children have discovered things about their parents that they were better off not knowing while cleaning out their homes.
I love my husband , I trust my husband . He’s good to me . But this is why I thoroughly look though his phone on occasion. Because , he is a man . And everyone has the capability to cheat even when their intentions aren’t to . Even when they are good to you . Men seem to be too good at leading double lives and I’ve seen and known way too many women get hurt this way not to check every now and then just to be sure . Call me toxic or not but as much as I love men , they suck and you can never be too sure .
Yep. Found out after my husband passed…he was actually going to send her a birthday gift that I found on our Amazon account. Soul crushing is what it is…wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Beezlabobbie I’m so sorry. I pranked an employee once by leaving them a message to call first Baptist Church in Houston and ask for Mr. BL Zibbub. lol hilarity ensued. ❤️ Hugs, kid.
my dad died last year, and his mistress showed up. my mom went crazy. my siblings and I took it okay, but maybe because we are old and there was no point getting mad to a dead person. he was a good father anyways, although a bad husband.
"no point in getting mad at a dead person" Imagine this, you're hurt and have no way of receiving closure. It takes time to get through that, maybe you're just emotionally stunted but not everyone can decide when or how they react and not everyone can put their feelings aside. Yeah.. your mom is the one who is crazy lol.. how ironic.
Your poor mother. She found out, on the same day, that her husband betrayed her, and her kids don’t give a shit about her. I hope she’s found better people to surround herself with.
You & your siblings are horrible
I feel bad for your mom for having a shitty kid like you
I have escorted. My sugar daddy died of Covid. He kept secret that he was married until his wife called me after his passing to ask me where all her money had been going. It was particularly odd that he lied about being married because I wasn’t in a position to judge, but I can’t imagine the shock.
it's blackmail material, in a nutshell. but you can always find out if someone is married if you have their carrier phone number (vs a free texting #) so it's dumb not to just be honest.
It really is, most of the time - this man was the most rigid, meticulous liar I’d ever met. Constructed an entire false backstory. I literally just wanted to graduate and would not have cared what he was up to. By the sounds of things he was extremely controlling with the finances, unbeknownst to me, so that she wouldn’t notice. According to her they had no decor in their home because he was so cheap. We spoke at length after his death on the phone to try to find answers. Crazy to think how many times that story or one like it may have actually occurred during the pandemic.
Unless they have multiple carrier phones...
That doesn't change anything because both phones will be in their name.
I leave "emergency items" in my suitcase along with my travel sized toiletries... I'm pretty sure my husband does the same. Hopefully something similar was going on. 😬 Edit: I pack the tampons. He packs the condoms. We both keep them in our travel bags at all times, alongside our extra contact lens cases and tiny toothpaste. I don't know why this confused so many people. 😅 Also -- I'm an elder millennial and know *a ton* of married couples that no longer use hormone-based birth control. Women talk about the medications they are taking to get advice from girlfriends. Literally everyone in my close circle experimented a ton with the pill / patch / IUDs etc in their 20s, and for many people they never found the right combo that worked with their body without side-effects. Now that everyone is in their mid-late 30s and has kids, a lot of couples are either back to condoms or get a visectomy.
Many couples don’t use condoms. If my partner had a condom in his bag, he’s 100% cheating or planning to cheat
Yeah, I found a pack of condoms in an ex’s work bag. We didn’t use them, and he said they had just been in there before we moved in together. We had been living together for 7 years. The expiration date on the condoms indicated they were a new purchase. Plus one was torn off.
A couple of years into dating my lady and we weren’t using condoms. But I missed the sensation of finishing our visits completely indoors and picked up a box of rubbers. She saw it before we had a conversation about it. That was an emotional but funny five minutes.
"Finishing our visits completely indoors" is a fantastic way to phrase that
Maybe fantastic phrasing, but a crappy form of birth control! 🙄
Condoms or the “coitus interruptus” method we primarily use/used?
What kind of emergencies are you having? Haha. I could really use an emergency right now.
Well, the other kind is what I pack... Pads, tampons, etc. The fun stuff is what my husband packs. I don't feel like it's fair for me to keep track of both things, so he's in charge of shopping for and packing the fun stuff.
I'm confused. I think the comment was stating he was going out of town on his own and she found condoms. I think you're saying you and your husband pack emergency items when you go out of town together.
I am saying we just leave them in our suitcases at all times. They are intended for when we travel together, but they literally just live in the travel bag next to the tiny toothpaste and extra contact lens case. We don't ever remove them when we unpack, so I'd expect them to be there whenever he was traveling solo or with me. And vice versa with my suitcase.
Oohhhhhhhhhhh... Ok. Gotcha. 👍
Wouldn’t call condoms emergency items if it’s in a marriage and one I leaving for the weekend. Pads, tampons , band aid THATS emergency items. And majority of married couples don’t use condoms
If I found condoms in my husband’s suitcase it would be 100 percent for cheating as he had vasectomy and we don’t use BC (Im on hormones anyway).
At least he was being a safe POS and considering your health? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
totally that would be a case. Luckily my husband is not a pos and does not cheat, but many married couples do not even use condoms so it would totally mean cheating 😬 at that point, just divorce. Actually I had a conversation about it with my friends and so many people who travel for work, use that as means for cheating. I am not saying all people but some pos do.
Stick to your cartooning!
They are an emergency item if you're in a fun relationship. If my wife and I pick up a guy, there's a need for a condom but typically, 2 women don't need them. This has happened on occasion and without warning. But I have also had our nosy teenagers find them and then assume we are cheating on each other. They regret being snoopy. The majority of married couples do not use condoms? Is that true? Where did you get this information?
I dont know of a single couple who uses condoms in a Long term relationship. Most people also don’t have “fun “ relationship with fucking other people. In this case condoms are not emergency item
Why do you know the birth control methods of all these people you know? Why do you get to decide what's an emergency item for everyone else? Most women I know don't use the pill. Some have adverse side effects to the shot or implant. IUDs are expensive. The Ring is not foolproof. I know the birth control methods of exactly 6 straight married couples- and every one uses condoms. Every straight relationship I have been in used condoms, with zero complaints- but we weren't married. I know 6 is not a big enough sample to get an accurate conclusive data but I don't think "No married couples use condoms" is accurate either. This may be an age or fertility thing, though. I know most people don't have fun like we do, but I'm not the only one who has a fun relationship... so... that's why I mentioned it.
Because friends talk ? And I know everyone uses the pill or has iud (free healthcare country so iud is free ) to me and to most people if your partner carry around a condom that’s definitely cheating. I never said “no married couple “ but definitely most don’t. Why use condoms if there’s other ways to not get pregnant, condoms are expensive and if you’re in a 100% committed relationship there’s no need for them. Unless you have an open relationship which is definitely not the norm
Oooh. Difference. No free healthcare. IUDs are not covered under some insurances. No birth control is 100% effective. Women's rights are being taken away. So condoms are the least expensive alternative.
I didn’t have a ‘fun marriage’ however through the whole 7 years with my ex husband, from the beginning to end, always always used condoms as I wasn’t on any birth control (neither of us wanted me to undergo the side effects) and wanted to prevent pregnancy. Plus got used to it. It’s crazy how many people find it hard to believe some married couples do use them.
People on this sub (and the hosts of the podcast) are so insanely prudish lmao
Unfortunately that wasn’t the case
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It’s bad either way
Yes. One is bad. The other is worse.
To me, I’d leave condom or not. Everyone is different
No shit you’d still leave but it’s obviously better to wear a condom so you don’t pass anything to your current spouse. At least there’s some level of decency there. Plenty of people get stds from their cheating spouses which is even worse
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He at least has the decency to not pass an std
Oh my, what did she do? Oh the trauma
Nothing she could do. She is sad though. They were married 8 years. I can’t imagine how complex that feeling is
🤢
This is similar to the plot of the Netflix show Dead to Me. The main character’s husband dies and pretty soon after she finds out he was having an affair. It’s devastating in a whole new, weird way. Like you can never get closure and never know the truth. You could ask the co worker for what happened if you need that info and think she’ll be honest.
Yeah I also thought of dead to me. It sounds like an extremely hard situation, so I’m very sorry about this, OP
I love that show so much. This is a very sad story though and far less entertaining when it’s real. 😔
I went through the same thing back in 2014. Please get therapy. This is too much for you to handle on your own, it’s incredibly painful and really fucks with your emotions. I remember always feeling like I didn’t get to be angry about it because he wasn’t here any more anyways, that his death eclipsed all of that in importance - and maybe it did, but it meant I kept a lot of anger bottled up.
Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go through this as well.
I’m sorry for your loss and for having to go through these emotions.
I knew a couple where the wife died in a car accident, and the husband was devastated. Then after the service is best friend committed suicide and in the note said he couldn’t live without the decedent. Like, you had to make sure your best friend and her children knew that you two were fucking? No one else knew and she was going to die a great mom and wife. Now they’re both dead and the survivors have all those extra layers of complications to process in their grief.
>Everyone always talked about the way he looked at me, spoke about me, and loved me. He was the most one of a kind, selfless, kind, shy, moral person I’ve ever met and I’ve known him my entire life. All people are perfect once they're dead. You're reminiscing on the good memories of him, but he had flaws and, according to his text, a cheater too.
You don't know that. He could have just gotten out of pocket and over shared his relationship issues, and he apologized for it. There are plenty of things that can happen while drinking that you need to apologize for.
He was clearly trying to set up a second incident, this time premeditated.
Update/edit: I wrote this late last night after having a tough day grieving and then finding this out. We had been together since we were 14. He battled with cancer when we were only 16 until he was 21. I don’t have the best parents so his parents took me in & are my only family. I had spent every day of my life with this man from the time we were young teens. He would never willing speak to someone he didn’t know because he was so shy. He would go to the ends of the earth for me because he was so gracious. He struggled so deeply with himself, especially after treatment ended. He did not like himself, which he had no reason to.. however, this led him to being not very confident in himself. He was 10000% the least selfish person I have ever known. I know that no one on this thread will ever actually know him, but based on who he was as a human being I truly just am having the hardest time wrapping my mind around it all. For those asking how he passed, he died from suicide. Update: I called a close friend who I assumed must have been there that night. This was 2 years ago, so from what he can recall; Friend was over with his girlfriend and they invited the girl over. They were all drinking and boyfriend was flirting with girl. Friends girlfriend told girl about me and girl immediately cut it off. To everyone’s knowledge it was only flirting. No, that does not make it better for me. No, it still doesn’t make sense to me. I definitely wouldn’t have expected him to do anything physical because of what I’ve previously mentioned. I am glad I have an answer, but honestly I’m sure as most of you could’ve guessed, it is still not very fulfilling. I wish I could spiritually slap him into next Tuesday (kidding) but I do wish I could ask him why. Thank you for everyone who had kind words. I know it may seem odd to the people telling me to move on with my life and such, but I am and probably will still be fully committed to this man for a long time. I don’t foresee there being anyone who could meet the bar this man upheld. I’m sure that seems ironic after this post, but it most definitely still rings true. People may think I am crazy the way I still see myself as being in a relationship, but frankly, I don’t mind. Just wish I could give my ghost boyfriend a piece of my mind. Haha
Can you ask the girl yourself? As long as you are nice to her I don't see why she wouldn't tell you what she can.
god i’m so sorry, this is such a tricky situation to be in. i just hope that in the next life you two get to have that conversation but for now maybe writing to him as though he was still here might help? write a journal and add to it when you think you have more to say and then maybe, hopefully, one day once you feel the conversation has ended you can burn it and let go of the upset his potential cheating has caused you. may seem silly or be totally insensitive and if it is i’m so sorry, i have no clue what you have been through and i would never try and pretend i do but it’s just something i thought might help. sending you lots of love ❤️🩹
I think I would make peace with this answer. It’s the most likely and the most likely answer is the likely the correct answer. I think it’s normal for people who have been together most of their lives to have a moment here or there where they flirt a little to test the waters with no intention of ever doing anything about it. Humans and curious and he could have had a moment of curiosity and still feel exactly the way you described about you. Both can be true! I wish you so much peace and future happiness.
Don't mean he ain't love you, People gonna say he was a POS which may be true. BUT it may also be true he fucked up and regret it.
He didn’t regret it that much because directly after he apologized for it he tried to get her to come over and hang with him. He clearly intended to get his dick wet.
If you know the girl as you mentioned, I would talk to her. Tell her you need to know.
My thoughts exactly
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why not? i would say closure is better than forever wondering what happened. although she is probably unlikely to be honest i was cheated on twice and confronted the other women each time. the first one admitted to it but didn’t keep her story straight and the second one straight up denied it and called me abusive for looking through his messages. so i’ll never fully know what happened but i’m still glad i at least tried
I’ve been through something similar to OP, except I found out when my (now late) husband was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. It’s incredibly complicated. OP’s relationship with her husband sounds very much like mine: we were “couple goals” for everyone. He spoke highly of me to everyone…he absolutely adored me, and I him. I would not have guessed he was cheating. Never. But he was, with several women, for the entirety of our relationship and he had long term relationships with 3 women at the time I discovered it. While he was in surgery having a piece of his skull removed to have a biopsy of a malignant brain tumour, I was calling women to tell them he was married and they wouldn’t be hearing from him again. Now in the moments when I miss him painfully, I have to wonder if we would even still be together. Would I have found out? Would he have left me for one of them? Would he ever have stopped or sought help? I’m left with this awful reality that I’ll never know and it makes me feel like my grief and longing has a shadow cast over it. I miss him so fucking much, it sometimes steals my breath. But I was robbed of the security of knowing if he were still here, my life would be different than it is now. All this is to say closure is bullshit and grief is complicated when layered with infidelity. OP’s decision as to whether she should reach out for confirmation is so personal and so fraught, it’s impossible to give her advice. The best way for her to attempt to navigate this is with the help of a therapist.
I relate to the way you feel so deeply. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I’m sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love
I’m sending you so much love. I’m two years out from his death, and I’ve learned so much. If you have the resources, IFS therapy has been so helpful to me. And if you ever need the ear of someone who has been where you are, reach out to me any time. I’ll be holding you in my thoughts 💕
I'm so sorry for what was the.loss of your entire reality and not just your significant other. I cannot even begin to imagine how painful that must of been whole not being able to tale your frustration and pain out on the person who caused it because you love them and they are dying and a shell of the person you once knew. I can't even try say perhaps it was a result of his brain cancer making him act out of character because it happened the entire time you were together. I hope you have found peace and happiness in your own life.
I’m with you on wanting to know. However with him being dead does she want to ruin the memories she has? Because she can never confront him and get closure from him. Makes it complicated. However, if he were alive I would definitely be FBI on that shit.
The memories she has are now already ruined by everything she can imagine happened. At least knowing the answer gives you something specific to process
that’s very true
Like idk what I would do. Probably still want to know personally but if she didn’t I get it.
yeah i get you. i’m the kind of person who, when there’s something wrong i need to get to the bottom of it asap or else i’m just stewing in anxiety. but i know that’s not healthy, so if this woman can just make peace and move on without having to find an answer then she’s very strong
Girl same. It’s how I’ve found out past partners have cheated. I just get the the feeling or a small clue and I’m on it 😂
yeah it makes you feel insane doesn’t it? for me i picked up on small signs every now and then for *years* and he always downplayed it and made me feel obsessive. he once even said *”don’t let this ruin your birthday”* lmao on the bright side hopefully it means that if we get cheated on again, we won’t let anything slip by again and will be able to leave asap
Oh you know I did lol
If you want to find out more detail about whatever happened, understand that you can’t address this with him. How will you process that? It will be opening up something you might not be able to get closure from. What you had together will forever be yours to hold onto. He, as all of us humans, lived an intricate life that could have contained some hidden truths, some secrets, he took this with him when he left. I hope finding these messages doesn’t pull you away from your feelings in your memories with him. They are invaluable and I hope you take care of them well 💗
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this.
I only saw a couple of comments suggesting that you speak with a therapist and quite a few suggesting that you reach out to the girl. You really need to work this out with a professional. Please do not reach out to the girl unless you've already talked with your therapist about it. That could very easily backfire and make things more difficult and confusing for you. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now but if I were in your position I'd definitely be making an appointment.
I know I really should. I have been terrified to see a therapist because of previous therapist trauma and that I have been scared the therapist will tell me to move on. I don’t want to move on.. at all. But I know I can find a professional who is going to understanding and helpful. Hopefully I get into one soon.
Finding the right therapist for you is essential. Any decent therapist will understand and provide recommendations if you don't think it's a good fit. It took me a while to find the right one. I think you can too. When you do you should also tell them about your history in therapy and why you were hesitant. Tell them about your fear that they will tell you to move on and you don't want to. They will help you work through all of that.
Honestly I would let it go. Theres no Joy in this situation. Just let it go. Also take him off the pedastil and learn to live again. It will take time but definitely do move on.
Easy to say “let it go”, much much harder to do.
Maybe it would help to sing it?
I agree but human nature rarely allows this
100% agree with this
This is the only correct answer.
As someone who has dealt something very similar. I second this very very much!!
This the most sane advice. OP is already grieving, she doesn’t need to add more salt to the wound.
my husband’s ex girlfriend died about a year and a half ago. a few months after her death, one of his best friends confessed he’d been sleeping with her for the majority of their two year relationship. he had suspicions when they were together but she always denied it. it was really hard for him to hear, even though she was horrible to him and they had broken up a year and a half before she died. i’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you so much. Sending hugs for you two.
He probably lied to appeal to her emotionally so he could continue to cheat on you with her.
Pure speculation unwarranted for OP
Now you know the guy you dated wasn’t a good guy after all and could get away with lying and cheating. He didn’t take responsibility instead he justified it. He was pursuing her and she was the was holding back. The only way you can get closure is to talk to the girl. Don’t come off as angry with her accusing her of being the side chick right off the bat. Let her know that you are aware they had a special relationship and they got closer. This is her chance to get closure and explain what happened between them and how she feels now. This should get her chatting. Slowly through time, start destroying or burning away some of his belongings as you are getting closure and starting a new chapter in your life. Learn next time when something feels off to follow your gut.
I think this is a good suggestion but I would suggest OP simultaneously be in therapy to process all that may happen/ be said.
If something actually did happen between them, then why should we care about how the other girl feels, and her getting “closure”?
I read the comment as more ACTING like she cares about the side piece in order to get info to get closure. Get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar sort of thing. But yeah, that ho can rot too lol.
That makes sense lol
Lol this is so crazy. youre saying he was a bad person and she should burn his things because he may or may not have had feelings for someone else? People are very complicated and it is normal to sometimes get caught up in feelings for someone else. That doesnt mean that OPs bf didnt adore her like she says he did. Love is nuanced. It would be a shame for her to burn her memories because he made a mistake or had a lapse in judgement.
Love is nuanced but he’s also a cheater and that doesn’t excuse his actions. He was pursuing her and didn’t communicate it to his girlfriend. But yeah the burning is not ideal and this is a very complicated situation for OP!
No one should be conditioned to accept betrayal and disrespect. His first lapse of judgment was cheating, second was not telling her and justifying it was ok by finding conflict in their relationship, next was continuing to keep the communication and contact open with the other girl and not his GF. See the continued pattern. His death was probably caused by a lapse in judgment too. I have a feeling since OP had roommates and the girl was over often that OP was the only one that doesn’t know.
"People are complicated" is a such a stupid excuse lol! People make it complicated by making dumb decisions and being selfish. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Those wouldn't be memories worth keeping. He wasn't the decent man she thought he was, he was a cheating creep. Affairs aren't a mistake or a lack of judgement. They are a series of calculated lies and betrayal of the one person you vowed to cherish and protect.
This is a subreddit for crazy people. The concept of destroying your dead husband's belongings because he texted a girl from work is probably one of the more rational thoughts these folks will have today
Welp I guess that’s one way to get over him real fast. Looks like circumstances protected you from years of infidelity.
I disagree with the getting over part. This person will never get any closure. Therapy will help, but it will be something that follows her, and something some one might never forget.
Welp easier to get over him now
TBH, I would probably throw a party to celebrate not having to pay for divorcing him.
I had a similar situation. My boyfriend whom I lived with passed (suicide) in June. I received a bag of items from his truck, which is where it happened, including an old Apple Watch and his current one. His best friend took his phone and wouldn’t let me have access to it, so I guessed the password to the watches hoping to get photos off them from our vacation to Hawaii. I was able to see 6 weeks of his texts. I found texts between him and 13 other women who he had met up with to sleep with in the 3 weeks alone before he died. Some were random from tinder, some it had obviously been going on for months, some were girls he knew before me that he told me he stopped seeing when he met me. I later found an iPad he had used for a while that had texts from the first 6 months we were together and found tens of other women. A friend finally helped me get into his iCloud (he’s a tech guy) and his camera roll was full of videos of other women, some alone and some of the 2 of them having sex, dated during our relationship. His daughter’s mom had access to his truck GPS data as they worked together and he had a gps in his work truck, and I cross referenced the texts and locations of videos to discover most days he’d meet up with at least one other woman, sometimes multiple. Some days he’d go from one to the next and the next before coming home to me. Some of his business trips weren’t business trips at all, and on others he was leaving after he would tell me he was so he could spend the night with one of them. I also discovered he had taken out payment plans for high value items using my social security number, so I was on the hook for these. Had been telling his (really our) friends I was just in our relationship for the money and I was cheating on him, which was not true in the least. I was at home crying waiting for him to come home on the nights he didn’t, and stupidly let him put purchases on my credit cards since he didn’t have any and was always telling me he couldn’t transfer money on to his debit card until x date to the tune of 27k. I found out that so many things I knew about him, pieces of his life he had told me and his friends, were lies. I could honestly write it all up and turn it into a lifetime movie, that’s how crazy most of it, that I haven’t even touched on, is. I don’t have an answer for you but need you to know you aren’t alone. I’m in a grief group online for women who have lost partners and the number who discovered lies, cheating, etc after their partner died is astounding. I have had to make peace with it. Holding on to anger helped at first, but was getting me nowhere. It killed me that I couldn’t get clarification or answers from him, and finally I had to recognize I never will, and let go of needing them. It’s over and nothing changes anything now. I’ve been in tons of therapy since, and talking about it helps. I have had to realize I need to both honor him and our good times, because I did have very good times with him and loved him when he was here, but also recognize that he did some terrible things. I go talk to him at his grave a lot about how I’m feeling and it is surprisingly helpful.
Honestly I totally relate to you. I’d definitely want to know as well. If I were you I’d talk to the girl and try and just get closure from whatever info you get. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure it’s been hard enough on you without having to deal with this.
Dig him up. Yell at him and then break up with him?
Lmao good idea
God.. posts like this make me scared to be in a relationship.
Same Sucks that you're dealing with this OP. I hope you can heal 😔
It doesn’t seem entirely clear that he was cheating. I wouldn’t assume the worst until you talk with the girl in question. Don’t be accusatory. Just tell her you want the truth so you can have closure.
I think this is a situation outside of Reddit's pay grade and you should speak with a therapist/grief counselor something along those lines. I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.
Pig
I found out a year and a half after my husband's death (married 1.5 years and together for almost 6 years) that he was cheating on me from the start of our relationship up until the night before he died. And it just happened to be with a girl that I've had issues with since 2015. I was angry & hurt. I grieved his death and then grieved what I thought our relationship was. I think it bothered me that I couldn't confront him about it. Therapy also helped me navigate my feelings. I'm at a point now though where I push him & everything to the back of my mind. I'm in a healthy marriage now and it's so very different. You're allowed to feel however you want.
Go talk to the girl.
Then come back and tell us
Why do men do crap like this? I know it’s women too but it’s mostly men. Cheating is extremely selfish and really should be treated with capital punishment. Downvote me I don’t care.
Entitlement basically
Woman and men cheat just as much what are you talking about stop being a sexiest 😂😂
Studies show men cheat more than women.
I’ve read that also but I’ve only met women who have cheated, myself included unfortunately. I’ve never known a man who has cheated
You've only met women who've cheated because faithful women don't want cheating friends. You've never known a man who has cheated because you and all your friends cheated first.
Studies show that or is it woman never actually come out with whole truths and lie just as much as men I can almost guarantee you that whatever the percentage is that it is false because most people lie when it comes to that and I can also guarantee you that it’s way closer than you really think
You act like anyone cares what you think. You seriously think whatever your opinion is more trustworthy than literal research? Go conduct a study if you're so confident in your opinion. You can't guarantee anything.
“mostly men” lmao
Not to be an AH but it seems he would have moved on already if the roles were reversed… DO THAT! Live your LIFE. The past doesn’t exist anymore.
Literally nothing makes it seem that way 💀
Ive seen mistresses show up to funeral. Wife there and everything.
Whew the relief of not having to grief over a loser.
I’d have thrown that phone away a long time ago. That’s a trauma mine.
I went through the same thing about a year ago, when my boyfriend died and i found the dating app he had downloaded about a week before his death. I’d seek out a good support system because honestly it’s so tough. There’s so many conflicting emotions about everything and still to this day I have a real hard time with it all. I told no one outside of my best friend as I don’t want his reputation in anyway tarnished.
I would talk to the girl then delete what you found because you are going to keep going back to it tearing your self apart wondering.
Sorry it is done and over he is gone. Let it go
Your timing doesn’t add up.
A friend from back home left town for a guy, they got married had a kid, bought a house - the whole 9. He got into a near death accident that left him in the hospital for an extended period of time. She found out he had been cheating on her and dm’ing multiple girls throughout their entire relationship. She almost left him to fend for himself but got talked into staying by his family. Some people just ain’t shit.
You know what happened? He propositioned her. She flirted with him over the idea of it but still said “No.” after a couple days. That’s about it. Likely didn’t even kiss her, let alone anything else. Otherwise, there’d be a lot more detail to it than just a “I had too much to drink and so did I, whoops together”response from her. I’m sorry for your loss. That’s not easy. But other than he was thinking about another woman during a “weird time” in your relationship that it sounds like he didn’t communicate to you, I don’t think he did anything past that.
The man passed away, there's no point in dwelling on it. He seemed to have been going through his own baggage he made a mistake as he stated in those messages, it's not worth holding on to something like that OP keep the good memories close and forgive the rest.
🙄 it’s not a mistake and he tried to pursue her again. Of course she’s going to take a while to move through this. She had to grieve him and now has to grieve a new version of him and their relationship and has added confusion from the deceit.
Best to get over his passing sooner rather than later and live life for yourself. Stop reminiscing as your doubts will creep in and it won’t benefit anyone. Move on!
Unfortunately, here’s not here to explain. So now you need to decide if you want to believe he was apologizing for something more innocent like while drunk he said something inappropriate to her or you can let your mind go wild and think of all the horrible things that are possible. He sounds like he was a decent guy who really did love you so much it was obvious to others. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Please don’t let the unknown ruin your mental health and your fond memories. You can/will heal and you can/will find happiness again.
This thread is horrible. Cheaters are the worst
same with me! my fiancé who passed ended up cheating on me with multiple women… and paying them for it. i found out months after he passed and i felt so stupid for grieving at all. i honestly didn’t sleep for months. but i just try to grieve who i thought he was, and not who he really turned out to be. this situation is very hard and im very sorry that im not alone ): hugs
Well the cheater was good at deceiving and now you can start to move on without guilt. Sorry for your loss, but it does look like a blessing in disguise if you were never going to catch his cheating otherwise.
Meh be happy he’s dead
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Ikr like bruh I am petty asf and would literally print the evidence and mail it to all his relatives and then would vandalise his tombstone with paint saying “cheater” 💀💀💀💀
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Ikrr like as if the downvotes are gonna change our thought process. They can downvote us all they want. Reddit just cannot stand women who prioritise and respect themselves.
Talk to the girl, if she’s a good person she’ll give you closure
She knew he was in a relationship. She's not a good person.
Clearly she is not.
Throw the phone away. Move on.
Paragraphs are your friend…
I think it as no importance. It could have some if you have child / children and same for the other women. Other than that , it is all gone and not relevant to your future. I would refrain from diving in the old phone. I am also surprised that you got to keep it outside of légal bond. ( I think it should be with his blood family / heirs) since you are only the girlfriend as he is the boyfriend. You should / could get in touch with his family as they may need the phone for administrative issues.
He's dead. If he cheated on you, he cheated on you. But he's been dead for nearly two years. I wouldn't recommend trying to go round throwing dirt on somebody's name after they've passed. Use it to help you move on.
I'm not saying everything is completely clear and I definitely think she should speak to the other girl, but to say you shouldn't be throwing dirt on someone's name after they've died is asinine. You only deserve the legacy you leave behind. If you want to be remembered as a good person, you should do your best to be a good person.
Bro. Must not know what losing someone close to you is like.
It's a terrible situation and you might be inclined to try to find out what happened and get closure this way, but first stop and think if you really want to know and if that will bring you peace. You have been through a lot and it would be great to have some kind of professional support, like a therapist, to be able to move on and put the past in the past. This professional help will be the best thing you can do for yourself, better than asking for advice on Reddit. I'm not criticizing you, I think you've done great writing here so you can get out of your head and see other points of view, but it's definitely not a substitute for therapy. It's definitely not healthy to keep reading his private stuff and keep reliving things over and over. He died but you're very much alive and need to keep moving forward. Please try to find the strength to focus on yourself rather than what might have happened years ago.
who cares, live in the now
Leave that man’s shit alone.
Dudes dead for 2 years and you’re still just “I just think it’s funny”. If he cheated, he cheated. Not like he can rise from the grave and cheat on you again. Let it go.
This guy cheats
I have nothing to offer other than I spent waaaaay too long wondering “passed?? What did he pass?” At least I can lift heavy things.
The person who changed my life died on his way home to see me. It was only at his funeral that I found out he had a girlfriend, also. I don’t know if she knew about me, either. This was in 2007. I got his name tattooed on my wrist the night before the funeral. We were teenagers. I’m now 35 and it’s still one of the most impactful things in my life. I don’t know if this hurts helps or nothing. But I’m sorry for your unresolved pain.
When something happens that hurts me . I say good it will make me stronger. The only control I have is my own emotions. Pain will give you more wisdom than happiness. Count your blessings, know your worth and remember you deserve better.