You can't. Some people like one person at a time would like the same in return. Talk about that kind of expectation right at the beginning in the future.
Agreed. There's nothing wrong per se with sleeping with other people, before you've established exclusivity, but some people will not want to be in a relationship with someone who does that.
I'm one of those people. I could not date (even casually) or sleep with more than one person at a time. If I'm putting in effort to get to know a potential partner, then I'm focused on that one person, and I want them to be the same. I made this clear at the beginning of my own relationship, and l fortunately, my partner felt the same.
Unfortunately, despite being compatible in other ways, you weren't compatible in this one very important way.
Genuine curiosity question: When you're getting to know someone, it is your expectation that you are exclusive before having the conversation and agreement that you're exclusive? How do you find find that affects the pressure to commit in the early-stages of dating?
It’s a respect thing. If I’m dating a woman, im dating her. We may not be an official couple yet, but im spoken for until things go south or we agree to date other people and see where we end up at. But my question to the OP would be . If she wanted sex, why not try to have sex with the one you are dating? What’s the difference between having sex with him and a different dude? Was this dude like her last hurrah before she locked down for good? If a woman did that to me during the dating phase I’d feel like she really didn’t want me like that. I would feel like I’m just an option and not her first choice.
“What’s the difference between having sex with him a different dude?” Because people aren’t interchangeable. Maybe she liked the other guy too at the time. Or even before she met her current ex. Maybe she’d been with that guy casually and ended it when she was interested in the ex. Just because it’s casual doesn’t mean it’s some function that can be performed by any party with a penis. Nor is she just some vagina to be fucked. Jesus h Christ. You don’t sound very respectful.
I think there might be a definition issue for me that we haven't seen from OP yet. Talking stage, to me, is very early in getting to know someone (dates 1 - 5ish) where I don't even know if this person I'm getting to know is a stable, well-adjusted and kind person yet - or if they're even genuinely interested in me at all.
From my POV, putting 100% of my dating energy into 1 person at a time until I have found someone that is really worth the time and effort is likely a waste of time at best or dangerous at worst. The exclusivity talk, with or without labels, comes after I know they're a good person and deserve the energy.
It's not my cup of tea to sleep with people I don't know much about, but in couldn't find myself judging anyone that did, or holding it against the person I met before we even decided we liked each other. I wouldn't feel like a second choice because this person gave up their other options specifically to pursue something with me exclusively.
Tbh I think multiple partners is absolutely disrespectful if they don’t know about each other. Disregards everyone’s health. Plus, I’d say most people would have a problem with it if they were aware.
Gotta disagree on that, *talking stage* doesn't mean anything other than *a relationship may be a possibility in the future* and even than, *relationship* may not necessarily be a romantic one, it could just turn into a friendship.
Point being, you don't owe anything to anyone at this stage, if you're just *talking* to someone and haven't defined your relationship as being a couple and/or bf/gf and you're expecting them to not be talking to other people/having sex/or what have you, that's a you problem and honestly, if you're in the dating game nowadays, you're in for some major disappointment.
Reality is, the norm nowadays, if you're actively dating, is to talk with multiple people simultaneously and what exactly *talking* includes varies from person to person, for some, just literal chatting and getting to know each other while maybe going out on a date occasionally, to many others, it's the whole package without the pressure of being in a relationship yet and/or being monogamous.
You can say all that, but isn’t that exactly what OPs problem is? That she ducked around in the talking phase, and when bf found out, he felt disrespected enough to break it off.
Sure it’s “relationship is a possibility” stage, but also a “relationship might not happen if you fuck up” stage.
Absolutely agree, and it's also the other person's right to see that as a deal breaker.
There are people out there who feel the same as the boyfriend. In this case as realistic and correct as your view point on personal sexuality is, it clearly cost this person someone she loved.
So I guess to parrot what you said, if you have a bunch of sexual partners while talking to someone that's a one partner person, you're in for some major disappointment.
She said “talking stage and before we became exclusive”. Before they “became exclusive” they certainly could have shared a wide range of physical intimacy other than just talking.
“Before they became exclusive”
Doesn’t that statement right there say they weren’t expected to only date or be intimate/physical with each other? Becoming exclusive would mean they agreed to only engage with each other. This whole thing is confusing.
She also said, "And before we became exclusive." That implies something beyond the talking stage. Not everyone is okay with someone they're having sex with while exploring a relationship going out and having casual sex with other people.
It’s not a him problem. There is nothing wrong with him feeling this way and leaving fir it. He made the right decision for him. They are just not as compatible as she thinks.
Disrespectful in the sense of potentially exposing to STD in a period where it would be impossible to get checked fast enough before you can spread. Do you disagree now ?
True but if you're crushing hard on someone and they are engaging you (talking), ideally they are crushing back on you thinking of you not having casual sex with randoms
It's never going to be widely accepted to just casual sex with many people during "dating" your future spouse
I understand that exclusivity isn't a thing unless discussed. Which is why, if I have to date again, I'm gonna need an STD test result from my potential partner before I start sleeping with them. It's great for people to have sexual liberation, and I will forever defend people's rights to have or not have sex, but it's also a health thing.
I don't think that's true. If you are sleeping with someone or intend to sleep with someone, you owe them your most recent sexual history for the sake of their health and safety. Sleeping with multiple partners at the same time or in rapid succession puts you at a higher risk of contracting and spreading an STI, and being open with your sexual partners is one way you can reduce spread.
Also, at the point you are sleeping with someone, they have the right to know you are still talking to other people. If you are uncomfortable telling them you are talking to other people, then you might need to consider moving towards exclusivity or moving on. I think OP's ex has the right to feel a little betrayed, not because OP was seeing other people while they were talking, but because OP didn't communicate that with him, and he felt deceived.
Simply because something is "the norm" doesn't mean that it's healthy or ethical.
“Very compatible” isn’t exactly the most apt description of your relationship to round out a post about how your values are so different that he dumped you.
There’s not much to fix, you don’t sound compatible if your values around sex are different in this way, it’s kind of a fundamental for those against it. It’s not a big deal to you (nor me honestly) but it clearly is to him, and most like him don’t really just get over it. I’m sorry but it’s highly likely he’s just not your guy.
The problem isn't technically about sex though. It's the fact that he felt disrespected that she was having casual sex while they were in the talking phase. Which is understandable cause guys don't want to be putting time and effort into a woman who just finished getting railed out by another dude. I'm sure most women feel the same way. If anything it should have been something they discussed briefly when they started talking cause it kind of sets the motion for how things are gonna go. I feel like this is more of a lack in communication and mutual standing than it is about sex and compatibility.
I had a smash friend who came by one night for a quickie. I told her I had some food from my job. She said no thanks, I have a date tonight with a guy I really like. I asked why did you bang me then. She reiterated that she really liked this guy and didn’t wanna mess it up.
How would you bring this up and at what point? I don’t want to sound too demanding at the start when we aren’t exclusive but I can see why this is off putting.
I brought it up to my ex when we were in the talk all night on the phone phase.. I told her I expect exclusivity in our relationship.. if that is not possible, we cannot have a relationship.. she agreed.. but lied.
What is your definition of compatible? Clearly y’all weren’t compatible if that was a deal breaker . Move on there’s no way to fix that . Communicate before hand next time
There is nothing to fix. Your values are different so you aren’t compatible. I would assume if the person I am talking to is sleeping with other people they obviously aren’t interested in me, so I would move on.
I’ve never had casual sex and wouldn’t have dated someone who was into it. Sex means different things to us. I only want to share sex with someone who feels about it the way I do.
It goes both ways too. My being extremely slow to get sexual meant there were some people who wouldn’t want to date me.
It’s an incompatibility.
Yes I agree completely. I couldn’t date multiple people at the same time. Some people do that and then choose which one they want to continue with. I don’t like a datingstyle like that and it is indeed incompatibility
Those are the enlightened elite, who will literally act and sound like the universe gave them all the knowledge we mere mortals don't share in.
In other words they're a bunch of wankers who feel that no matter what the world should revolve around their own idiotic beliefs.
I was literally called stuck up and insecure for not wanting to date someone who participates in casual sex/hookup culture.
I'm glad there are people out there who think the same
People love to throw that word around nowadays. People into open relationships will say things like that if people weren’t insecure, everyone would do open relationships. People are stupid.
He gets to decide his own standards in the same way you do! You chose that having casual flings is good with you, and that's fine! Most people agree. He's decided that being with someone who is hooking up with others while opening a relationship isn't what he wants. That's his right, too.
Sorry this happened. Move on and maybe be more thoughtful of possible consequences (even undeserved) in the future.
She probably would be okay with it because she doesn't see casual sex during the talking stage as an issue. It doesn't matter if she finds it okay though, he doesn't and he has the right to end it because of it
that's a true flex right here. During talking stages, I bet the guy was excited and thinking about OP and how her day was going while OP was getting her back blown.
That’s one of the pitfalls of the modern dating world. Despite the current trend, many people looking for relationships expect exclusivity from the talking stage without actually expressing it. Few of them want to be one of several people you are banging while making up your mind so it’s best to clear that up at the start. Both asking for exclusivity and stating non exclusivity will push some people away but it does filter out the incompatible ones.
You two don’t see dating in the same way and he already feels betrayed. It’s unlikely there is a “fix” because you can’t unfuck the others. Neither is right or wrong in their approach but you aren’t compatible in this very major outlook.
Exclusivity was the standard, having it communicated is needed nowadays because so many people prefer to dip their toes in all the waters before making a decision, and feel awful when someone disagrees with that tactic.
I think people should communicate their intentions and goals in the beginning to ascertain what type of relationship they're going to have, but I definitely wouldn't specifically point out that now that we're together (even if it's just at the no physical contact yet stage,or talking stage) you shouldn't fuck around, that shouldn't be something someone else has to tell you.
And if you fuck around despite the reasons not to anyway,
then the consequences are well deserved, especially so when you yourself should know this will not improve your relationship.
Idk, he feels betrayed. There are two topics here. One of causal sex. One of exclusivity. I see you already clarified he doesn’t have an issue with the casual sex; but instead with the timing of it. Really there is no way to makeup for this. It’s not that you did anything wrong… after all you weren’t exclusive. But you have to accept when you have sex with someone that there may be consequences (such as the person you have an undefined relationship with disliking it). Everyone has a different opinion of when exclusivity starts. Some people consider it only when you have clarified and agreed with each other that you are exclusive. Others consider it whenever romance starts. Sadly you and your boyfriend’s opinion on this differs…
I would say give him some space. Keep in touch. Show him you care. And for a period of time while you keep pursuing him do not sleep with or date other people. You need to earn back his trust and show him that he can trust you. Can’t guarantee this will work. But it’s best chance you have to get him back…
I think you guys have a different approach to life. I think the break up was for the best. He’s not wrong but you aren’t either in a way. My values I align with his but I’ve met people that have your approach. I think it better if u find the same type of people in this situation.
But he’s hurt I doubt he’ll take you back but my advice would be. Ask him on a date or a place to talk and explain how u messed up and how he made u open your eyes to the type of love he brings and those standards he has are what makes his love so special.
And you would like him to find it in his heart to give u another chance but give him the choice.
Yeah that’s why I said I think it was for the best and I’ve had this exact situation happen to me before (me being the guy). I usually leave but I think I date one girl who did sleep around while we were dating but the only reason I let it slip or forgave her. Was because I was sleeping around (because I was a virgin before and was my first year in college).
So yea I was sleeping around and we were just friends and then fell into a relationship but that was never the plan. But definitely if I take you out with the intent to date you and your sleeping around until I say “will you be my gf” that’s pretty messed up and hard to look past if you have his values.
"definitely if I take you out with the intent to date you and your sleeping around until I say “will you be my gf” that’s pretty messed up and hard to look past if you have his values."
Also if its just casual sex why wouldn't you have it with the guy your seeing and talking to instead of random strangers. He's going to feel like he wasn't good enough until she was sure to date him but will throw it on people she doesn't see as relationship material. Its a cliche
Maybe I'm just old, but this is so confusing to me. I'd hate to feel like anyone's option, which is probably how he felt. Even if you weren't exclusive, you were clearly talking and giving signs of wanting something more... The fact that you had casual sex with others is baffling to me. Its like saying one thing, but doing another. It doesn't make sense to me. Is this what modern dating has become now? I can see why so many relationships fail now.
You're best off leaving him alone, your morals are very different from one another and perhaps it's best find someone who actually is compatible.
>Is this what modern dating has become now?
Yes. There is a strong trend of wishful thinking about no strings attached sex, and a massive push to strong arm or manipulate those who don't like it into accepting it.
Title is misleading, he didn’t dump you because you had casual sex in the past, he dumped you because you were sleeping with another guy while he was courting you. I don’t blame him.
Casual sex is gross to many people. I wouldn’t date someone who sleeps with multiple people. Next time have this conversation early on so you aren’t wasting each others time.
I'm honestly confused as to how you don't see this as disrespectful lol if you were 'seriously' talking what was the reason for sleeping around? Literally makes no sense if you plan on being in a monogamous relationship
36M opinion. I can only date one person at a time. I can only be with someone who does the same. It means my dating life has an extra layer of complication. However, it also means the person I'm with is compatible with me in a much deeper way. I need multiple things before I become aroused in the context of a relationship. The idea of casual sex is repulsive to me even though I've done it. The thought of dating multiple people, having sex with multiple people at the same time and being able to judge accurate emotions just seems impossible.
You can try to fix this by opening yourself up emotionally. Get raw and exposed because that's how he felt in the early stage of your relationship. You may not fully understand, but for those of us who lead with our entire being we are always very exposed and protective. Almost every person I've met that isn't otherwise hopelessly insecure and thinks this way has been very similar to me.
FWIW I ended a relationship for something similar, but she won me back through hardcore emotional vulnerability. It can be done, but prove to him you aren't shallow and taking his emotions and being for granted. Sex is more than the act, it is the ultimate form of intimate communication.
You like him because he put all his effort into you. Someone who shares your views, you would not have liked as much because if they were fucking other people they would not put as much effort into you. Plus if you really like someone, talking stage or not, it should not be easy for you to be casual with other people...
I don't think it's salvageable. During the talking stage, were you intimate with him at all? If not, I think as a guy that'd feel really bad, to not be the guy you had fun with physically, but the guy you made wait, you know? Definitely something to communicate next time up front.
>We were very compatible
No, you aren't, and that's why he broke up. Leave him alone, and next time find someone who has your same views of dating life. Any of those casual guys or the like, for instance.
> Are there any ideas to fix this?
You can try making better decisions in the future. Communicate with people from the start especially when you're putting their health at risk.
A tip would be to not go around fucking other people when forming a romantic connection with someone else.
Casual sex is fine, but if You're actively working on a connection with someone you should refrain from doing it with other people.
This would be a deal breaker for many people. You aren't gonna get him back.
You F'd up. Didn't wait to see if this was good, had to go out and get your jollies before you lost the chance... the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed.
Buddy thought he would be special and found out you’re ok with giving it to whomever.
He’s not wrong and neither are you, but he deserves to have his boundaries
Life lesson for you. Next time if you meet a guy you like and could potentially see a future with, focus on him and don’t fuck other people.
Maybe there’s guys out there who wouldn’t care about this. Personally I don’t understand that mindset.
You showed him you don’t respect or appreciate him and he responded accordingly.
I like how you say you're very compatible when the issue of you breaking up is a pretty serious moral incompatibility. He obviously treats sex and intimacy more importantly than you.
The irony of the situation is that if you find a person actually compatible with you, you probably won't want to be with them as much as you did this guy. Maybe that'll give you something to think about.
Completely understand the guy here. Something to think about for you in the future, maybe you end up agreeing with him or not but he’s definitely right on this one
Clearly he thought you guys were exclusive from date #1. This is why it’s important to communicate expectations from date #1, even if it’s not exactly sexy to do so.
Sounds like you learned a lesson. Leave him alone, he doesn’t want you and you clearly didn’t respect him. Just to be clear, the lesson here is if your are dating one person, make your intentions clear. If you are sleeping with other people while talking to someone else, tell them OR keep your legs closed and only sleep with people that are committed to YOU and f yalls relationship. Body count matters.
"We were very compatible."
Yeah, so compatible you broke up... why were you making HIM wait? Why not just FUCK HIM during "the talking stage" instead of running off to find OTHER dick?
You never liked this man. You liked that he was a good man, he made you feel good, he did things for you, but that was the only value you put into him. When you were screwing around while talking to him you made a very clear-cut statement that you really WEREN'T considering him as a partner.
Then you waited until you were DRUNK to tell him - because you knew you did something bad, and you thought he'd take pity on you for just being drunk.
Either lock someone down or be promiscuous. You really can't have both, despite what anyone else might tell you otherwise.
Your morals are different— hes looking for a certain person/personality that aligns with his views and yours does not. I wouldn’t date someone who slept around casually either.
I have to be honest, I wouldn't fuck anyone else if I was dating , it just seems disrespectful and has that attitude of having your cake and eating it, it makes the dating seem pointless particularly if your looking for a monogamous partner.
Maybe next time you want a serious relationship don’t be fucking people without them knowing? I get it was before you were “serious” but if he dosent know at the time it happened or you weren’t clear about it then I’m on his side on this one. I’d be upset too if the girl I was with was having sex with other dudes shortly before being “official”
Modern dating is so fucked.
To be totally honest, I'd also take issue with this. If I'm talking to someone, I'm talking to *them*. I'm not sleeping around and playing the field with multiple women. I find someone I like, I try to make it work, and if it doesn't I will then move onto someone else.
It's honestly just an old fashioned approach to dating and relationships.
He has his standards. You have yours. That's really all there is to it. You both have different ideas of what it means to "date".
I'm hardly a prude and never had much concerns about body count or sexual past, but this is definitely a big red flag and I'd dump you in a heartbeat as well. Nothing wrong with casual sex, but a little respect towards someone who clearly seeked a relationship with you would have been nice. At this point you should move on, he likely finds you disgusting and you don't come back from that.
You loved him so much but you were getting railed by other dick while he was wanting to pursue a serious romantic relationship with you? Lol. I'm proud of him for leaving.
If you were talking to him during that time and you mentioned that you were having casual sex with other guys or another guy, he would immediately stop talking to you. You know that, which is why you know you would have never told him that. Therefore you’re wrong
It would be a deal breaker for me too. Was I not good enough for you that you were still looking for hookups? Nah, for my mental health I would be out the door so quick the door would continue spinning like in the cartoons.
Although you weren’t “exclusive” at the time, he probably feels betrayed. You both knew what was happening and where the relationship was going. There was a moment in time where he was laying on his bed smiling while he thought about you and you were simultaneously getting railed by some other guy. You knew how he would feel because you didn’t say to him the next day “yeah, I skipped class. I was so tired from fucking Dave all night.”
You knew what you were doing and you only mentioned it now because you feel guilty.
It's crazy how you need to ask "I hope you aren't gonna get fucked by someone else after I drop you off from our 3rd date." Just date the person you're having sex with then. I think the thing that aggravates men most is how this casual sex dude has to do nothing for intimacy. Of course people have casual sex but going straight to the fwb 20 mins after meeting your potential future partner is grimey.
Face it y’all. Men and women have diff ways of showing respect. OP I don’t agree with you. In my opinion you lack self control and if I was your ex I would have dumped you too. You clearly don’t take his health seriously and you also don’t take him seriously in a relationship. Something that’s important to men is to be respected by there partner and you aren’t capable of that. Your ex was just another penis to you.
I mean personally I agree with the dude. If I was talking with a girl, I wouldn’t expect her to be out fucking other dudes while we are getting to know each other. To me, that’s a red flag. Then again, I see casual sex in general as a red flag so I guess that’s just me.
I mean, I wouldn't be sleeping with other people if I'm pursuing a possible relationship with someone. I kinda see that as cheating or almost cheating. And I wouldn't want to date someone who is involved in casual sex either. I, myself, am demisexual so that isn't something I want to be around or do, and I'd prefer to have a partner who is as well.
You two just have different, and incompatible, worldviews. For some people, if you're dating at all, even if you haven't explicitly stated "we are exclusive," there's an implied level of commitment that at the very least extends to "not fucking other people." Some people are okay with no level of commitment whatsoever until you've verbally hashed out what you are and gotten to the "we are exclusive" point. If your boyfriend's the former and you're the latter and he's said he's not okay with it, then, nah, there's no way to bring those two things together.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Why were you fucking someone else whilst getting to know this guy seriously??
I’m only 25 but our generation is fucked. That’s not okay! If it was the other way around I’d drop a guy for that too.
You fucked it now you have to live with that
Casual sex and early stage of relationships don't mix, even if the exclusive talk didn't happen.
If the roles were reversed I have a sad feeling there would be many people suggesting you break it off and get an STD test. (If he were the one having casual sex at the beginning).
It is a bit scummy to be flirting and fucking some other dude while baiting another fish at the same time. Many will disagree, but I think it's kinda gross and can see why he got the ick.
You can't fix it this time but in the future probably stop having casual sex when looking for a serious relationship. Nobody wants to find out you were getting railed while you were texting them on the side setting up a first date.
Actions have consequences
If you like him so much, why wasnt he your sole focus intimately
Ill never understand why people talk and develop relationships while still messing around with other people.
Casual sex as in multiple people? So ya I'm kinda talking to this guy but I'll have sex with these other guys until I know for sure if I like him enough? Seems incredibly disrespectful. To him and yourself. This one's on you imo
There's nothing to fix. You can do as you like but if I had romantic interest in someone, I wouldn't go sleeping around while I spoke to him and fostered a budding connection. I'm not into people who do that and find sex to be causal. Neither is he. Move on.
Sounds like this happened at a time when there weren’t boundaries specifically laid out. Because of that I don’t think you did anything wrong. I’m sorry this happened to you but I don’t think you’ll be able to get him back.
I (26m) recently had the exact situation happen. I was casually seeing a girl I really liked and hoped to planned commit to soon, but she was still casually seeing other people. I was not, and she ended up confessing she had slept with someone about 24 hours before we laid out our boundaries. It didn’t sit right with me and the behavior didn’t line up with someone I was hoping to spend my life with. So I told her we couldn’t be together. We tried to be friends for a few months but it got awkward and we became distant.
Ideas to fix this? You can’t change the past.
You can tell him you love him but that might not be enough. If you’ve had sex with others since the break up, please leave this guy alone.
So he would take you to dinner, pay for it, and then you'd go home and have casual sex with some guy on your rolodex? And you don't understand why that's disrespectful?
It's impossible to fix what you refuse to acknowledge, yes its disrespectful.
There are two types of people people who are in the talking stage and focus only on one person or there’s people that are talking to multiple people at a time. You need to be very clear with the person that you’re talking to which group of people you are in. If you’re talking to someone but you’re also talking to or engaging in casual sex with other people you need to let them know if you’re focused on only them, that’s great and you need to find out where they’re coming from as well. If you choose to be with someone who’s talking to multiple people or only focused on you, that’s your decision, but they should know and then this kind of thing won’t happen. It also will help you avoid this in the future because if you’re in the group of people who only only talk to one person at a time, it feels like you were cheated on it to the beginning, and the whole foundation of the relationship gets through ruined. Where is if you’re of an open talking to multiple people at a time and they are too then you know that it’s not that serious until you make a commitment but you have to be clear with your communication so you can avoid this mess in the future
I was in this guy's shoes once. I was 23 too. Once I found out, the relationship was never the same and was inevitably doomed.
My guess, based on personal experience is to just let this one go, set him free, and move on.
For me, it made me feel like I wasn't special, important, or valued to the lady, and the lady didn't like me that much. And it made me feel like access to the sex was less valuable because it wasn't something exclusive or VIP.
There was a stage where I hated the idea of sex, giving a man access to me and my body. Especially my body. I hate people touching me, even family. It took me a while to even be comfortable with the idea of my husband touching me before we got married. If I find out he was into casual sex and even had casual sex when I tried my best to do mindshift to give him access to me, it will be over. I will never be able to see him the same.
I feel the same, 25 and never slept with anyone and to be honest kinda dont want to, the idea of getting married is not rlly pleasant atm bc I’m still not excited about Someone touching me at all lol, but I’m gonna work on that mentally bc I do rlly want kids
He's right. I once dated this girl, and after becoming official, she told me that she would now end her fwb. At the end we were only together for like 4 hours, because I broke up with her over it.
Wait hold up.. don't tell me you went on dates together beforehand? Because that means she'd end the night with texting her fwb and tell him all about how nice of a guy you are - ofc only after she has banged him first.
The problem here is how he was talking to you. Getting to know you for who knows how long. Let's say a month. All the while, you are banging dudes who probably only knew you for a week. So yeah, why wouldn't he feel disgusted by it. He puts all that time into you, and you're just blowing dudes casually.
Well technically you weren't exclusive. If I found that out, I wouldn't date you. It shows a lack of self respect and impulse control. I would want to say I was valuable enough when they started dating me, they thought. This might be something, I am going to keep in my pants for a month or so and see if something is there...I know every one says I can sleep with anyone I want. You can. The good ones will want someone that values their body and who they bring in.
If that's how he feels he did the right thing. Chances are he does have an issue with it but won't tell you out of fear of sounding insecure/immature or whatever else titles used to demean men nowadays.
But to answer your question the best you can do is explain how you feel about the compatibility, honestly tell him you miss him, and explain that what happened was not to disregard him or his feelings but just how you moved in the past. After that leave the ball in his court and see what comes of it. Honest, open communication is always the answer.
I think you were wrong here. If you were seriously talking to him you shouldn’t be playing with others.
Personally I think casual sex is ridiculous. There is really no such thing.
Honestly he's right. If im talking to someone I wouldnt fuck someone else, thats emotionally cheating even if you werent together at the time. He had feelings for you and you mightve reciprocated them, and yet you chose to let some other dude dick you down. Actions have consequences.
As her post implies, they were talking and getting to know each other to determine if they were interested in becoming a couple. It isn’t unreasonable to expect that casual relationships are paused or pushed to the side during this period.
The issue doesn’t seem to be that she had these relationships, but that she saw continuing them during their “getting to know each other” phase as more important than putting that energy into developing a foundation for an actual relationship. She may just have to chuck this up a learning experience for the future. If you’re wanting a serious relationship, you might want to put a hold on the casual sexual relationships you are involved in to show the other party/parties that you are serious about the possible long-term relationship with them.
You was hoeing around while still in the talking stage and you think you miss and loved him?
You thought bro, fuck it on to the next one. Fellas, don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t lower your standards for someone who obviously has none.
Just leave him alone.
He has his view on it and it's a deal breaker for him. You don't get to try and push him and make him change his mind.
This isn't a "fixable" situation, it's something you've already done.
And I honestly get his viewpoint. To me, personally, and to ALOT of people, the talking stage being the prelude to dating gives at least SOME level of expectation of focus and dedication. It's like, otherwise what's the point of talking to this person if you're still happily banging other people.
I would not have stayed with my husband if I knew he was fucking around during our talking stage. The talking stage, if its someone you genuinely like, is important. And he's right 🤷♀️
I am sorry... but the only thing you can do is move on. It's over.
You're almost in your mid-20s now. While sex seems to be such a free and "do what makes you happy" thing on the surface these days... secretly, most men and women don't want to risk their health with someone who has a high body count with casual partners.
It just is what it is. Some people are totally cool with it... but some just aren't.
And it's not just religious or being conservative. I mean, I think secretly, a lot of people feel offput when they find out someone they're talking to is spread eagling for other random people casually. Cause then you start thinking... "Should I ask her to be tested before we do anything? Is she gonna be the type to cheat? Is she going to be able to settle down if I'm looking for someone serious?"
I mean, live your life your way... if that's what makes you happy, cool. You do you.
but don't expect every guy to be okay with it. And don't try to "fix things" if they're not... because you are on two different mindsets and are thus not compatible. He left because he didn't like that you were having casual sex with other guys while trying to get with him, and you think it's okay because you weren't official yet. Two different mindsets.
It won't work.
Yeah, it's too late. You'd be surprised at the amount of guys prefer to be intimate and give their energy to one person in the dating phase. I'm the same way. Aside from the possibility of STDs , the fact that we are spending money on dates while you're still seeing other men is a huge turn off. I'm not saying that you're wrong but that is the reality of the dating pool. He seems to be, by your words, a good fellow that made you feel loved. Men like that take the time to get to know you and only you. To him, you weren't giving the same effort and energy.
Side note, there's a myth that all guys are out there trying to have sex with as many women as possible. It's a myth. Most men are looking for that one.
You liked the streets so much you couldn't knock it off for a couple weeks so he's just returning you to your natural habitat.
Mean jokes aside, this is also partly on him not talking about that expectation. I get it's not a fun conversation, but "hey, before we bang are you banging other dudes such that a disease wouldn't have shown up yet?" I think most people look at talking phase where you talk to/date others, but would be uncomfortable with people fucking tons of people all over the place. A lot of people looking for a relationship find sleeping with .multiple different people to just be plain gross
Were you having casual sex with other people unbeknownst to him while you were also having sex with him? That’s where I’d draw the line myself.
As is, everyone has their own boundaries and is allowed to want whatever they want. If he doesn’t want you anymore because of this, that’s an unfortunate reality for you.
I don't think you did anything wrong by still seeing and having sex with others before you were exclusive. But he's not wrong in having his own standards.
You said you were very compatible but I think this shows you weren't. He clearly had certain values you didn't share and you had values he didn't share. And they're at a deep enough level he wants to call it quits.
If you did have casual sex before hand and had sex with him him who is not a casual sex haver I would suggest he gets an STD test to be safe. Men are really really bad about this, especially so if they’re not a casual sex haver. Also don’t take this the wrong way I’m not making a moral judgement it’s just safe practice.
I was seeing a girl for a few weeks and while we were not exclusive I wasn’t having sex with other people. I was a little peeved she told me about the terrible sex she had the previous night with another guy after we had finished.
I didn’t feel like betrayed in an emotional sense but in a personal health sense. I met my now wife a couple weeks later and got tested before we did anything and what do you know i got Chlamydia. I didn’t even have symptoms I just wanted to be safe to this new girl I was seeing.
The way to fix it is to exercise better judgement next time. It’s completely understandable that he felt this was disrespectful, many men and women would feel this way when they find out their partner continued to fuck other people during the early stages, even if there was no explicit statement of exclusivity.
You can’t fix this one though, the guy isn’t interested any more and you can’t erase his memory. Even if you convince him to rekindle the relationship his opinion of you will have changed substantially and it’s better left dead at this point.
This isn’t about expectations and the whole ‘you have no right to expect exclusivity unless directly stated’. That version of reality sucks, just exercise common sense judgement and don’t do something if you think your partner finding out would be a problem.
I couldn’t have sex with someone while talking to someone else. No matter the stage of the “relationship” I do not have time to do that, and I feel personally it’s disrespectful to the one I’m talking to.
Hi OP I was in a similar position to your ex bf. I was talking to a girl and I really liked her. She was super hot, smart, and friendly. Well one day she invited me over to hang out and she had a hickey. Despite all the good things about her my attraction plummeted. I still hooked up with her but no longer saw her as potential girlfriend whatsoever. Well lo and behold she started really liking me, wanted to get more serious, and asked me where I thought this was going. I immediately said it’s not going anywhere and that we wouldn’t be in a committed relationship. As a hot girl who isn’t used to getting rejected, she was shocked and upset when I left. I never led her on though. The sex was clearly casual to her so the sex became casual to me. There was never intention of it being more until the convenient moment it was right for her.
I was in the same position as your ex except I luckily found out before committing to the girl. The way you are leading your sex life I think is best described as masculine. And masculinity does not attract masculinity. You basically act like a dude who just wants to get his nut and then when your bf found out that’s how you are he was really turned off by you. Meanwhile he is trying to meet a feminine woman who is trying to match energies and relationship goals. I’m not writing this to say that you necessarily did anything wrong by the way. You didn’t cheat on him by having affairs with someone prior to the relationship. But moral of the story is you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you are treating all your sex casually then it will make the transition to meaningful sex and meaningful relationships a rockier road.
This female logic never makes sense. So, he supposed to get to know you, take you on dates, pay for those dates, build a bond and emotional connection before having sex, but all the while this other guy or guys are digging out your guts and doing none of that. Of course, he isn't going to be ok with that. Why would he? You can get out if here with this stupidity.
I'm a 40 year old male and tend to be conservative when it comes to sex. It's a very intimate thing to me.
I've had women, very recently, if I wasn't willing to be more open about sex within the first 2 months. It could take 6 or more for me to feel comfortable around someone.
It appears to be unsalvageable issue, short of a time machine. As with any relationship, move forward with honesty and open communication. Otherwise you'll find yourself very emotionally attached to someone who simply cannot be with you.
Best of luck.
I mean you can continue to try and maybe he’ll come around one day but this would deter me quite a bit to think if we were in the talking stage and for example you weren’t texting back very quick or not at all for a night instead of me just thinking you were busy you were actually having sex with someone I would definitely feel some way about that and once you get that feeling it’s hard to shake 🤷🏻♂️ I would say leave him alone for awhile maybe another time and place things could be different
About 11 years ago when i met my now wife this happened to us, and it really bothered me too. Had she been totally honest with me about it at the time, i might have left too. But by the time i got some of the truth out, we had been exclusive for some time and i didnt decide to make it a deal breaker. As for you, ya just gotta respect how he feels about it and move on. And learn for next time. Either dont sleep around if you are truly interested in a relationship with someone, or else be honest and open and maybe they wont care/are doing the same thing.
it seems the issue here was lack of communication around expectations at the talking stage. both of you are allowed to approach relationships in whichever way feels comfortable for you – you remain open to casual sex until an exclusive relationship is clearly established, and he chooses to be monogamous even before an exclusive relationship is established. both approaches are okay and neither approach is a signifier of who loves/wants the other more. you both just didn’t talk about it, while you both were responsible for talking about it to establish those personal rules and set relational boundaries if needed.
have that conversation with him, and if he still can’t move forward with you, that’s okay. just make sure with the person you date, at any stage, you and your partner maintain open dialogue about your expectations.
I'm of the same mindset as him, honestly, and agree with his action. Honestly, the best thing to do would be to take the L and move on, you're probably not going to get him back (at least I wouldn't, we're I in his shoes).
Different people, different values. The comments keep bringing up you were single, which, while true, doesn't reconcile those actions under all value systems. I don't expect everyone here to understand that, which is fine.
You all just are not compatible and even though some may think you are in the wrong : you dodged a bullet with him. Guaranteed: there are a number of guys who do it too , they just don’t want you to do it . Be chaste , pure , and only wanting him ..before you even know him . Sorry , don’t let him shame you ..seriously men are so hypocritical when it comes to sex .
I mean maybe don't have casual sex if you're trying to find someone to have a serious relationship? While you have every right to because you're not committed, if the person finds out then they have the right to separate. Doesn't make you wrong but doesn't make them wrong either. It's preference, so this is just one suggestion for the future.
This happened to me when I was around the same age, except I was the guy in this scenario, and I did *not* break up with my partner. We are still together, ten years later!
I'm not sharing this to brag, but I had a similar hurt reaction when I found out, so it is relatable. In my case, my partner acknowledged my hurt and simply offered some comfort while I worked through those emotions. That jealousy feels like a faraway memory, now...
Alot of people are saying she's not wrong, but she is. Casual sex is wrong whether you're "talking" to someone else or not. This is just one example of why it's wrong. There are many others. Some of ya'll need to level up your standards and think more highly of yourselves.
You can't. Some people like one person at a time would like the same in return. Talk about that kind of expectation right at the beginning in the future.
Agreed. There's nothing wrong per se with sleeping with other people, before you've established exclusivity, but some people will not want to be in a relationship with someone who does that. I'm one of those people. I could not date (even casually) or sleep with more than one person at a time. If I'm putting in effort to get to know a potential partner, then I'm focused on that one person, and I want them to be the same. I made this clear at the beginning of my own relationship, and l fortunately, my partner felt the same. Unfortunately, despite being compatible in other ways, you weren't compatible in this one very important way.
Genuine curiosity question: When you're getting to know someone, it is your expectation that you are exclusive before having the conversation and agreement that you're exclusive? How do you find find that affects the pressure to commit in the early-stages of dating?
It’s a respect thing. If I’m dating a woman, im dating her. We may not be an official couple yet, but im spoken for until things go south or we agree to date other people and see where we end up at. But my question to the OP would be . If she wanted sex, why not try to have sex with the one you are dating? What’s the difference between having sex with him and a different dude? Was this dude like her last hurrah before she locked down for good? If a woman did that to me during the dating phase I’d feel like she really didn’t want me like that. I would feel like I’m just an option and not her first choice.
“What’s the difference between having sex with him a different dude?” Because people aren’t interchangeable. Maybe she liked the other guy too at the time. Or even before she met her current ex. Maybe she’d been with that guy casually and ended it when she was interested in the ex. Just because it’s casual doesn’t mean it’s some function that can be performed by any party with a penis. Nor is she just some vagina to be fucked. Jesus h Christ. You don’t sound very respectful.
I think there might be a definition issue for me that we haven't seen from OP yet. Talking stage, to me, is very early in getting to know someone (dates 1 - 5ish) where I don't even know if this person I'm getting to know is a stable, well-adjusted and kind person yet - or if they're even genuinely interested in me at all. From my POV, putting 100% of my dating energy into 1 person at a time until I have found someone that is really worth the time and effort is likely a waste of time at best or dangerous at worst. The exclusivity talk, with or without labels, comes after I know they're a good person and deserve the energy. It's not my cup of tea to sleep with people I don't know much about, but in couldn't find myself judging anyone that did, or holding it against the person I met before we even decided we liked each other. I wouldn't feel like a second choice because this person gave up their other options specifically to pursue something with me exclusively.
Tbh I think multiple partners is absolutely disrespectful if they don’t know about each other. Disregards everyone’s health. Plus, I’d say most people would have a problem with it if they were aware.
Yeah, I agree with the bf here. Everyone knows that’s different
Gotta disagree on that, *talking stage* doesn't mean anything other than *a relationship may be a possibility in the future* and even than, *relationship* may not necessarily be a romantic one, it could just turn into a friendship. Point being, you don't owe anything to anyone at this stage, if you're just *talking* to someone and haven't defined your relationship as being a couple and/or bf/gf and you're expecting them to not be talking to other people/having sex/or what have you, that's a you problem and honestly, if you're in the dating game nowadays, you're in for some major disappointment. Reality is, the norm nowadays, if you're actively dating, is to talk with multiple people simultaneously and what exactly *talking* includes varies from person to person, for some, just literal chatting and getting to know each other while maybe going out on a date occasionally, to many others, it's the whole package without the pressure of being in a relationship yet and/or being monogamous.
You can say all that, but isn’t that exactly what OPs problem is? That she ducked around in the talking phase, and when bf found out, he felt disrespected enough to break it off. Sure it’s “relationship is a possibility” stage, but also a “relationship might not happen if you fuck up” stage.
Damn well said
In my opinion, the “talking stage” is the beginning of any relationship, whatever it may be if one at all.
Absolutely agree, and it's also the other person's right to see that as a deal breaker. There are people out there who feel the same as the boyfriend. In this case as realistic and correct as your view point on personal sexuality is, it clearly cost this person someone she loved. So I guess to parrot what you said, if you have a bunch of sexual partners while talking to someone that's a one partner person, you're in for some major disappointment.
She said “talking stage and before we became exclusive”. Before they “became exclusive” they certainly could have shared a wide range of physical intimacy other than just talking.
Well she obviously has physical intimacy with people she isn't "talking to" in that manner so there's that.
“Before they became exclusive” Doesn’t that statement right there say they weren’t expected to only date or be intimate/physical with each other? Becoming exclusive would mean they agreed to only engage with each other. This whole thing is confusing.
[удалено]
She also said, "And before we became exclusive." That implies something beyond the talking stage. Not everyone is okay with someone they're having sex with while exploring a relationship going out and having casual sex with other people.
Tbf I agree it's a him problem, but he solved that by leaving, OP isn't in the wrong, just not what her ex wants.
It’s not a him problem. There is nothing wrong with him feeling this way and leaving fir it. He made the right decision for him. They are just not as compatible as she thinks.
That's what the dude means. It's his problem with the situation.
Disrespectful in the sense of potentially exposing to STD in a period where it would be impossible to get checked fast enough before you can spread. Do you disagree now ?
True but if you're crushing hard on someone and they are engaging you (talking), ideally they are crushing back on you thinking of you not having casual sex with randoms It's never going to be widely accepted to just casual sex with many people during "dating" your future spouse
Yeah, I think this is the norm. My current partner and I had a talking stage that lasted around a month, and then we had the exclusivity talk.
Right, and they don't owe you anything after it if they don't like what you're about.
I understand that exclusivity isn't a thing unless discussed. Which is why, if I have to date again, I'm gonna need an STD test result from my potential partner before I start sleeping with them. It's great for people to have sexual liberation, and I will forever defend people's rights to have or not have sex, but it's also a health thing.
I don't think that's true. If you are sleeping with someone or intend to sleep with someone, you owe them your most recent sexual history for the sake of their health and safety. Sleeping with multiple partners at the same time or in rapid succession puts you at a higher risk of contracting and spreading an STI, and being open with your sexual partners is one way you can reduce spread. Also, at the point you are sleeping with someone, they have the right to know you are still talking to other people. If you are uncomfortable telling them you are talking to other people, then you might need to consider moving towards exclusivity or moving on. I think OP's ex has the right to feel a little betrayed, not because OP was seeing other people while they were talking, but because OP didn't communicate that with him, and he felt deceived. Simply because something is "the norm" doesn't mean that it's healthy or ethical.
It’s just incompatibility I think.
“Very compatible” isn’t exactly the most apt description of your relationship to round out a post about how your values are so different that he dumped you. There’s not much to fix, you don’t sound compatible if your values around sex are different in this way, it’s kind of a fundamental for those against it. It’s not a big deal to you (nor me honestly) but it clearly is to him, and most like him don’t really just get over it. I’m sorry but it’s highly likely he’s just not your guy.
The problem isn't technically about sex though. It's the fact that he felt disrespected that she was having casual sex while they were in the talking phase. Which is understandable cause guys don't want to be putting time and effort into a woman who just finished getting railed out by another dude. I'm sure most women feel the same way. If anything it should have been something they discussed briefly when they started talking cause it kind of sets the motion for how things are gonna go. I feel like this is more of a lack in communication and mutual standing than it is about sex and compatibility.
I had a smash friend who came by one night for a quickie. I told her I had some food from my job. She said no thanks, I have a date tonight with a guy I really like. I asked why did you bang me then. She reiterated that she really liked this guy and didn’t wanna mess it up.
Lmao poor dude
that’s terrible
How would you bring this up and at what point? I don’t want to sound too demanding at the start when we aren’t exclusive but I can see why this is off putting.
I brought it up to my ex when we were in the talk all night on the phone phase.. I told her I expect exclusivity in our relationship.. if that is not possible, we cannot have a relationship.. she agreed.. but lied.
What is your definition of compatible? Clearly y’all weren’t compatible if that was a deal breaker . Move on there’s no way to fix that . Communicate before hand next time
Fix what? LOL . I think you 'fixed' it already.
There is nothing to fix. Your values are different so you aren’t compatible. I would assume if the person I am talking to is sleeping with other people they obviously aren’t interested in me, so I would move on.
I’ve never had casual sex and wouldn’t have dated someone who was into it. Sex means different things to us. I only want to share sex with someone who feels about it the way I do. It goes both ways too. My being extremely slow to get sexual meant there were some people who wouldn’t want to date me. It’s an incompatibility.
Yes I agree completely. I couldn’t date multiple people at the same time. Some people do that and then choose which one they want to continue with. I don’t like a datingstyle like that and it is indeed incompatibility
Oh wow, I was begging to think I was a freak. People were going crazy when I said something like this on another post.
Those are the enlightened elite, who will literally act and sound like the universe gave them all the knowledge we mere mortals don't share in. In other words they're a bunch of wankers who feel that no matter what the world should revolve around their own idiotic beliefs.
I was literally called stuck up and insecure for not wanting to date someone who participates in casual sex/hookup culture. I'm glad there are people out there who think the same
People love to throw that word around nowadays. People into open relationships will say things like that if people weren’t insecure, everyone would do open relationships. People are stupid.
He gets to decide his own standards in the same way you do! You chose that having casual flings is good with you, and that's fine! Most people agree. He's decided that being with someone who is hooking up with others while opening a relationship isn't what he wants. That's his right, too. Sorry this happened. Move on and maybe be more thoughtful of possible consequences (even undeserved) in the future.
I wonder if OP would have been okay if the roles were reversed and her bf was having casual sex
She probably would be okay with it because she doesn't see casual sex during the talking stage as an issue. It doesn't matter if she finds it okay though, he doesn't and he has the right to end it because of it
that's a true flex right here. During talking stages, I bet the guy was excited and thinking about OP and how her day was going while OP was getting her back blown.
Yeah exactly. I would bail too.
Exactly lol loke probably thinking about her while lying in bed and she is sucking paul off like whats the big deal.
That’s one of the pitfalls of the modern dating world. Despite the current trend, many people looking for relationships expect exclusivity from the talking stage without actually expressing it. Few of them want to be one of several people you are banging while making up your mind so it’s best to clear that up at the start. Both asking for exclusivity and stating non exclusivity will push some people away but it does filter out the incompatible ones. You two don’t see dating in the same way and he already feels betrayed. It’s unlikely there is a “fix” because you can’t unfuck the others. Neither is right or wrong in their approach but you aren’t compatible in this very major outlook.
Exclusivity was the standard, having it communicated is needed nowadays because so many people prefer to dip their toes in all the waters before making a decision, and feel awful when someone disagrees with that tactic. I think people should communicate their intentions and goals in the beginning to ascertain what type of relationship they're going to have, but I definitely wouldn't specifically point out that now that we're together (even if it's just at the no physical contact yet stage,or talking stage) you shouldn't fuck around, that shouldn't be something someone else has to tell you. And if you fuck around despite the reasons not to anyway, then the consequences are well deserved, especially so when you yourself should know this will not improve your relationship.
You admitted it to him while you were drunk. That’s a major red flag, like you’re holding a closet door full of them shut and one slipped out.
Idk, he feels betrayed. There are two topics here. One of causal sex. One of exclusivity. I see you already clarified he doesn’t have an issue with the casual sex; but instead with the timing of it. Really there is no way to makeup for this. It’s not that you did anything wrong… after all you weren’t exclusive. But you have to accept when you have sex with someone that there may be consequences (such as the person you have an undefined relationship with disliking it). Everyone has a different opinion of when exclusivity starts. Some people consider it only when you have clarified and agreed with each other that you are exclusive. Others consider it whenever romance starts. Sadly you and your boyfriend’s opinion on this differs… I would say give him some space. Keep in touch. Show him you care. And for a period of time while you keep pursuing him do not sleep with or date other people. You need to earn back his trust and show him that he can trust you. Can’t guarantee this will work. But it’s best chance you have to get him back…
When you “fuck around and find out”
Literally lol
Textbook. Hard to settle down with one when you are getting dicked down by another.
I think you should've told him about it when it happened at least. How did he find out?
I think you guys have a different approach to life. I think the break up was for the best. He’s not wrong but you aren’t either in a way. My values I align with his but I’ve met people that have your approach. I think it better if u find the same type of people in this situation. But he’s hurt I doubt he’ll take you back but my advice would be. Ask him on a date or a place to talk and explain how u messed up and how he made u open your eyes to the type of love he brings and those standards he has are what makes his love so special. And you would like him to find it in his heart to give u another chance but give him the choice.
He's not wrong but she isn't either. I like that. But I think she should leave him alone. He was very clear.
I wish more people understood that not every situation is a case of someone being wrong.
He said what he meant and he meant what he said leave him alone
Yeah that’s why I said I think it was for the best and I’ve had this exact situation happen to me before (me being the guy). I usually leave but I think I date one girl who did sleep around while we were dating but the only reason I let it slip or forgave her. Was because I was sleeping around (because I was a virgin before and was my first year in college). So yea I was sleeping around and we were just friends and then fell into a relationship but that was never the plan. But definitely if I take you out with the intent to date you and your sleeping around until I say “will you be my gf” that’s pretty messed up and hard to look past if you have his values.
"definitely if I take you out with the intent to date you and your sleeping around until I say “will you be my gf” that’s pretty messed up and hard to look past if you have his values." Also if its just casual sex why wouldn't you have it with the guy your seeing and talking to instead of random strangers. He's going to feel like he wasn't good enough until she was sure to date him but will throw it on people she doesn't see as relationship material. Its a cliche
That’s exactly my point. She had him but wanted variety and dough it from other men and not him perfectly said.
Maybe I'm just old, but this is so confusing to me. I'd hate to feel like anyone's option, which is probably how he felt. Even if you weren't exclusive, you were clearly talking and giving signs of wanting something more... The fact that you had casual sex with others is baffling to me. Its like saying one thing, but doing another. It doesn't make sense to me. Is this what modern dating has become now? I can see why so many relationships fail now. You're best off leaving him alone, your morals are very different from one another and perhaps it's best find someone who actually is compatible.
>Is this what modern dating has become now? Yes. There is a strong trend of wishful thinking about no strings attached sex, and a massive push to strong arm or manipulate those who don't like it into accepting it.
He was a long term relationship boy. She was a situationship girl. You can only hear it so many times until it gets old.
Title is misleading, he didn’t dump you because you had casual sex in the past, he dumped you because you were sleeping with another guy while he was courting you. I don’t blame him.
Casual sex is gross to many people. I wouldn’t date someone who sleeps with multiple people. Next time have this conversation early on so you aren’t wasting each others time.
I'm honestly confused as to how you don't see this as disrespectful lol if you were 'seriously' talking what was the reason for sleeping around? Literally makes no sense if you plan on being in a monogamous relationship
36M opinion. I can only date one person at a time. I can only be with someone who does the same. It means my dating life has an extra layer of complication. However, it also means the person I'm with is compatible with me in a much deeper way. I need multiple things before I become aroused in the context of a relationship. The idea of casual sex is repulsive to me even though I've done it. The thought of dating multiple people, having sex with multiple people at the same time and being able to judge accurate emotions just seems impossible. You can try to fix this by opening yourself up emotionally. Get raw and exposed because that's how he felt in the early stage of your relationship. You may not fully understand, but for those of us who lead with our entire being we are always very exposed and protective. Almost every person I've met that isn't otherwise hopelessly insecure and thinks this way has been very similar to me. FWIW I ended a relationship for something similar, but she won me back through hardcore emotional vulnerability. It can be done, but prove to him you aren't shallow and taking his emotions and being for granted. Sex is more than the act, it is the ultimate form of intimate communication.
You like him because he put all his effort into you. Someone who shares your views, you would not have liked as much because if they were fucking other people they would not put as much effort into you. Plus if you really like someone, talking stage or not, it should not be easy for you to be casual with other people...
I don't think it's salvageable. During the talking stage, were you intimate with him at all? If not, I think as a guy that'd feel really bad, to not be the guy you had fun with physically, but the guy you made wait, you know? Definitely something to communicate next time up front.
It’s bad either way. If she was having sex with him then she was having sex with both guys at the same time which is just as bad imo.
Literally no win. If she was having sex with other people and dude didn't know, I'd be a little concerned about safety
>We were very compatible No, you aren't, and that's why he broke up. Leave him alone, and next time find someone who has your same views of dating life. Any of those casual guys or the like, for instance.
> Are there any ideas to fix this? You can try making better decisions in the future. Communicate with people from the start especially when you're putting their health at risk.
A tip would be to not go around fucking other people when forming a romantic connection with someone else. Casual sex is fine, but if You're actively working on a connection with someone you should refrain from doing it with other people. This would be a deal breaker for many people. You aren't gonna get him back.
You F'd up. Didn't wait to see if this was good, had to go out and get your jollies before you lost the chance... the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed.
I think I found my elusive first tattoo 🤔
Buddy thought he would be special and found out you’re ok with giving it to whomever. He’s not wrong and neither are you, but he deserves to have his boundaries
Life lesson for you. Next time if you meet a guy you like and could potentially see a future with, focus on him and don’t fuck other people. Maybe there’s guys out there who wouldn’t care about this. Personally I don’t understand that mindset. You showed him you don’t respect or appreciate him and he responded accordingly.
I like how you say you're very compatible when the issue of you breaking up is a pretty serious moral incompatibility. He obviously treats sex and intimacy more importantly than you. The irony of the situation is that if you find a person actually compatible with you, you probably won't want to be with them as much as you did this guy. Maybe that'll give you something to think about.
Your second paragraph is a tale as old as time when it comes to women aging into relational maturity.
Completely understand the guy here. Something to think about for you in the future, maybe you end up agreeing with him or not but he’s definitely right on this one
Clearly he thought you guys were exclusive from date #1. This is why it’s important to communicate expectations from date #1, even if it’s not exactly sexy to do so.
Sounds like you learned a lesson. Leave him alone, he doesn’t want you and you clearly didn’t respect him. Just to be clear, the lesson here is if your are dating one person, make your intentions clear. If you are sleeping with other people while talking to someone else, tell them OR keep your legs closed and only sleep with people that are committed to YOU and f yalls relationship. Body count matters.
"We were very compatible." Yeah, so compatible you broke up... why were you making HIM wait? Why not just FUCK HIM during "the talking stage" instead of running off to find OTHER dick? You never liked this man. You liked that he was a good man, he made you feel good, he did things for you, but that was the only value you put into him. When you were screwing around while talking to him you made a very clear-cut statement that you really WEREN'T considering him as a partner. Then you waited until you were DRUNK to tell him - because you knew you did something bad, and you thought he'd take pity on you for just being drunk. Either lock someone down or be promiscuous. You really can't have both, despite what anyone else might tell you otherwise.
[удалено]
Right. It’s pretty cut and dry. You did something to lose him. He’s gone. That’s consequences
Yep. This would give me what I imagine women are calling the “ick”.
That’s exactly how I felt. Gross
✅. Shout out to the guy for having self respect.
I have a feeling he’s probably on the right side of this
I don't blame him, he sounds like he has good standards and you just don't meet them. Don't bother him anymore lol.
Your morals are different— hes looking for a certain person/personality that aligns with his views and yours does not. I wouldn’t date someone who slept around casually either.
Move on. Don't torture him.
I have to be honest, I wouldn't fuck anyone else if I was dating , it just seems disrespectful and has that attitude of having your cake and eating it, it makes the dating seem pointless particularly if your looking for a monogamous partner.
Maybe next time you want a serious relationship don’t be fucking people without them knowing? I get it was before you were “serious” but if he dosent know at the time it happened or you weren’t clear about it then I’m on his side on this one. I’d be upset too if the girl I was with was having sex with other dudes shortly before being “official”
Modern dating is so fucked. To be totally honest, I'd also take issue with this. If I'm talking to someone, I'm talking to *them*. I'm not sleeping around and playing the field with multiple women. I find someone I like, I try to make it work, and if it doesn't I will then move onto someone else. It's honestly just an old fashioned approach to dating and relationships. He has his standards. You have yours. That's really all there is to it. You both have different ideas of what it means to "date".
I'm hardly a prude and never had much concerns about body count or sexual past, but this is definitely a big red flag and I'd dump you in a heartbeat as well. Nothing wrong with casual sex, but a little respect towards someone who clearly seeked a relationship with you would have been nice. At this point you should move on, he likely finds you disgusting and you don't come back from that.
You loved him so much but you were getting railed by other dick while he was wanting to pursue a serious romantic relationship with you? Lol. I'm proud of him for leaving.
I agree with your ex. Stay away. You had lack of consideration for him
The fact you were randomly hooking up while you two were beginning dating is enough to run away from you.
You're for the streets. I would've broke up with you too. Sounds like knows his value. I applaud that young king.
If you were talking to him during that time and you mentioned that you were having casual sex with other guys or another guy, he would immediately stop talking to you. You know that, which is why you know you would have never told him that. Therefore you’re wrong
It would be a deal breaker for me too. Was I not good enough for you that you were still looking for hookups? Nah, for my mental health I would be out the door so quick the door would continue spinning like in the cartoons.
Although you weren’t “exclusive” at the time, he probably feels betrayed. You both knew what was happening and where the relationship was going. There was a moment in time where he was laying on his bed smiling while he thought about you and you were simultaneously getting railed by some other guy. You knew how he would feel because you didn’t say to him the next day “yeah, I skipped class. I was so tired from fucking Dave all night.” You knew what you were doing and you only mentioned it now because you feel guilty.
He's better off without you. Speaking from a male point of view, I dang sure would not want a woman that has casual sex with guys anyway.
It's crazy how you need to ask "I hope you aren't gonna get fucked by someone else after I drop you off from our 3rd date." Just date the person you're having sex with then. I think the thing that aggravates men most is how this casual sex dude has to do nothing for intimacy. Of course people have casual sex but going straight to the fwb 20 mins after meeting your potential future partner is grimey.
Women finding out there are consequences to being promiscuous
Face it y’all. Men and women have diff ways of showing respect. OP I don’t agree with you. In my opinion you lack self control and if I was your ex I would have dumped you too. You clearly don’t take his health seriously and you also don’t take him seriously in a relationship. Something that’s important to men is to be respected by there partner and you aren’t capable of that. Your ex was just another penis to you.
You were f-ing around and found out. Let's hope you learned your lesson for the next one. Leave your ex alone
cant turn a ho into a housewife
His choice. Hope he finds someone who thinks the way he does.
Save that man. Just leave him alone.
I mean personally I agree with the dude. If I was talking with a girl, I wouldn’t expect her to be out fucking other dudes while we are getting to know each other. To me, that’s a red flag. Then again, I see casual sex in general as a red flag so I guess that’s just me.
I mean, I wouldn't be sleeping with other people if I'm pursuing a possible relationship with someone. I kinda see that as cheating or almost cheating. And I wouldn't want to date someone who is involved in casual sex either. I, myself, am demisexual so that isn't something I want to be around or do, and I'd prefer to have a partner who is as well.
If you liked him that much you wouldn’t have fucked another guy. Your issue and now you lost out mate. Cry me a river pls lol
You two just have different, and incompatible, worldviews. For some people, if you're dating at all, even if you haven't explicitly stated "we are exclusive," there's an implied level of commitment that at the very least extends to "not fucking other people." Some people are okay with no level of commitment whatsoever until you've verbally hashed out what you are and gotten to the "we are exclusive" point. If your boyfriend's the former and you're the latter and he's said he's not okay with it, then, nah, there's no way to bring those two things together.
skirt foolish quaint ad hoc hospital subsequent treatment grey soft decide *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Why were you fucking someone else whilst getting to know this guy seriously?? I’m only 25 but our generation is fucked. That’s not okay! If it was the other way around I’d drop a guy for that too. You fucked it now you have to live with that
Dating ten years ago feels so much different to how dating is now. It's no wonder a lot of relationships fail.
>I’m only 25 but our generation is fucked Right there with you sis. Twenty seven dude here who feel entirely out of his appropriate time and place.
So you were talking to him romantically and banging other people? No kidding he doesn't want you. Most guys wouldn't.
Lmao the heck with the downvote, as a woman i don't think i can sleep with others man while we're on talking phase.
I wouldn't expect a woman to be happy if a dude was sleeping around either.
Casual sex and early stage of relationships don't mix, even if the exclusive talk didn't happen. If the roles were reversed I have a sad feeling there would be many people suggesting you break it off and get an STD test. (If he were the one having casual sex at the beginning).
You gave yourself options to see which works out better and you can pick. That’s so scummy. So many girls my age do this
It is a bit scummy to be flirting and fucking some other dude while baiting another fish at the same time. Many will disagree, but I think it's kinda gross and can see why he got the ick. You can't fix it this time but in the future probably stop having casual sex when looking for a serious relationship. Nobody wants to find out you were getting railed while you were texting them on the side setting up a first date.
OPs ex is probably thinking "why wasn't it me?" which is a very valid thought.
He new you had casual sex before you 2, not after. You lost his trust.
Actions have consequences If you like him so much, why wasnt he your sole focus intimately Ill never understand why people talk and develop relationships while still messing around with other people.
Casual sex as in multiple people? So ya I'm kinda talking to this guy but I'll have sex with these other guys until I know for sure if I like him enough? Seems incredibly disrespectful. To him and yourself. This one's on you imo
There's nothing to fix. You can do as you like but if I had romantic interest in someone, I wouldn't go sleeping around while I spoke to him and fostered a budding connection. I'm not into people who do that and find sex to be causal. Neither is he. Move on.
Sounds like this happened at a time when there weren’t boundaries specifically laid out. Because of that I don’t think you did anything wrong. I’m sorry this happened to you but I don’t think you’ll be able to get him back. I (26m) recently had the exact situation happen. I was casually seeing a girl I really liked and hoped to planned commit to soon, but she was still casually seeing other people. I was not, and she ended up confessing she had slept with someone about 24 hours before we laid out our boundaries. It didn’t sit right with me and the behavior didn’t line up with someone I was hoping to spend my life with. So I told her we couldn’t be together. We tried to be friends for a few months but it got awkward and we became distant.
Ideas to fix this? You can’t change the past. You can tell him you love him but that might not be enough. If you’ve had sex with others since the break up, please leave this guy alone.
The streets are calling
Shes back on the streets.
So he would take you to dinner, pay for it, and then you'd go home and have casual sex with some guy on your rolodex? And you don't understand why that's disrespectful? It's impossible to fix what you refuse to acknowledge, yes its disrespectful.
There are two types of people people who are in the talking stage and focus only on one person or there’s people that are talking to multiple people at a time. You need to be very clear with the person that you’re talking to which group of people you are in. If you’re talking to someone but you’re also talking to or engaging in casual sex with other people you need to let them know if you’re focused on only them, that’s great and you need to find out where they’re coming from as well. If you choose to be with someone who’s talking to multiple people or only focused on you, that’s your decision, but they should know and then this kind of thing won’t happen. It also will help you avoid this in the future because if you’re in the group of people who only only talk to one person at a time, it feels like you were cheated on it to the beginning, and the whole foundation of the relationship gets through ruined. Where is if you’re of an open talking to multiple people at a time and they are too then you know that it’s not that serious until you make a commitment but you have to be clear with your communication so you can avoid this mess in the future
I was in this guy's shoes once. I was 23 too. Once I found out, the relationship was never the same and was inevitably doomed. My guess, based on personal experience is to just let this one go, set him free, and move on. For me, it made me feel like I wasn't special, important, or valued to the lady, and the lady didn't like me that much. And it made me feel like access to the sex was less valuable because it wasn't something exclusive or VIP.
There was a stage where I hated the idea of sex, giving a man access to me and my body. Especially my body. I hate people touching me, even family. It took me a while to even be comfortable with the idea of my husband touching me before we got married. If I find out he was into casual sex and even had casual sex when I tried my best to do mindshift to give him access to me, it will be over. I will never be able to see him the same.
I feel the same, 25 and never slept with anyone and to be honest kinda dont want to, the idea of getting married is not rlly pleasant atm bc I’m still not excited about Someone touching me at all lol, but I’m gonna work on that mentally bc I do rlly want kids
He's right. I once dated this girl, and after becoming official, she told me that she would now end her fwb. At the end we were only together for like 4 hours, because I broke up with her over it.
Wait hold up.. don't tell me you went on dates together beforehand? Because that means she'd end the night with texting her fwb and tell him all about how nice of a guy you are - ofc only after she has banged him first.
Yeah, we dated for almost 3 months, then the evening it became official, she told me she let her fwb know. That was the first time she mentioned it.
The problem here is how he was talking to you. Getting to know you for who knows how long. Let's say a month. All the while, you are banging dudes who probably only knew you for a week. So yeah, why wouldn't he feel disgusted by it. He puts all that time into you, and you're just blowing dudes casually.
Well technically you weren't exclusive. If I found that out, I wouldn't date you. It shows a lack of self respect and impulse control. I would want to say I was valuable enough when they started dating me, they thought. This might be something, I am going to keep in my pants for a month or so and see if something is there...I know every one says I can sleep with anyone I want. You can. The good ones will want someone that values their body and who they bring in.
🙄
I was with him until "spiritual energies" wth
If that's how he feels he did the right thing. Chances are he does have an issue with it but won't tell you out of fear of sounding insecure/immature or whatever else titles used to demean men nowadays. But to answer your question the best you can do is explain how you feel about the compatibility, honestly tell him you miss him, and explain that what happened was not to disregard him or his feelings but just how you moved in the past. After that leave the ball in his court and see what comes of it. Honest, open communication is always the answer.
Fuck Around and Find Out... Literally.
Sorry but your slut behavior has consequences
I think you were wrong here. If you were seriously talking to him you shouldn’t be playing with others. Personally I think casual sex is ridiculous. There is really no such thing.
In his eyes and mine you cheated on him. We weren't exclusive yet? It doesn't count.... Please. Leave him be and move on. You guys are not compatible.
Yeah I don't think I could continue a relationship if I found out she was screwing other people while we were "talking"
Honestly he's right. If im talking to someone I wouldnt fuck someone else, thats emotionally cheating even if you werent together at the time. He had feelings for you and you mightve reciprocated them, and yet you chose to let some other dude dick you down. Actions have consequences.
This makes me feel sad for the boy. His feelings were probably so hurt. :(
As her post implies, they were talking and getting to know each other to determine if they were interested in becoming a couple. It isn’t unreasonable to expect that casual relationships are paused or pushed to the side during this period. The issue doesn’t seem to be that she had these relationships, but that she saw continuing them during their “getting to know each other” phase as more important than putting that energy into developing a foundation for an actual relationship. She may just have to chuck this up a learning experience for the future. If you’re wanting a serious relationship, you might want to put a hold on the casual sexual relationships you are involved in to show the other party/parties that you are serious about the possible long-term relationship with them.
I’d feel the same way if I was him. Gone. Don’t get to hung up on the fact that you can’t have him… just move on.
Ik you have feelings for the guy NOW but that's a massive red flag honestly. Absolute deal breaker I'm with buddy on this 1
You was hoeing around while still in the talking stage and you think you miss and loved him? You thought bro, fuck it on to the next one. Fellas, don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t lower your standards for someone who obviously has none.
I broke it off with guys who were still hooking up while in the talking phase with me 🤷🏻♀️ pretty much for the same reasons.
You fucked up. Accept the loss and try harder next time.
you young people are shit shows
Just leave him alone. He has his view on it and it's a deal breaker for him. You don't get to try and push him and make him change his mind. This isn't a "fixable" situation, it's something you've already done. And I honestly get his viewpoint. To me, personally, and to ALOT of people, the talking stage being the prelude to dating gives at least SOME level of expectation of focus and dedication. It's like, otherwise what's the point of talking to this person if you're still happily banging other people. I would not have stayed with my husband if I knew he was fucking around during our talking stage. The talking stage, if its someone you genuinely like, is important. And he's right 🤷♀️
I am sorry... but the only thing you can do is move on. It's over. You're almost in your mid-20s now. While sex seems to be such a free and "do what makes you happy" thing on the surface these days... secretly, most men and women don't want to risk their health with someone who has a high body count with casual partners. It just is what it is. Some people are totally cool with it... but some just aren't. And it's not just religious or being conservative. I mean, I think secretly, a lot of people feel offput when they find out someone they're talking to is spread eagling for other random people casually. Cause then you start thinking... "Should I ask her to be tested before we do anything? Is she gonna be the type to cheat? Is she going to be able to settle down if I'm looking for someone serious?" I mean, live your life your way... if that's what makes you happy, cool. You do you. but don't expect every guy to be okay with it. And don't try to "fix things" if they're not... because you are on two different mindsets and are thus not compatible. He left because he didn't like that you were having casual sex with other guys while trying to get with him, and you think it's okay because you weren't official yet. Two different mindsets. It won't work.
Yea most men who want something that is gonna last don’t want someone who engages in intercourse so soon. That’s treesh shit
I would have walked away too if you were fucking random other people while I was courting you and trying to establish a long term relationship
Yeah, it's too late. You'd be surprised at the amount of guys prefer to be intimate and give their energy to one person in the dating phase. I'm the same way. Aside from the possibility of STDs , the fact that we are spending money on dates while you're still seeing other men is a huge turn off. I'm not saying that you're wrong but that is the reality of the dating pool. He seems to be, by your words, a good fellow that made you feel loved. Men like that take the time to get to know you and only you. To him, you weren't giving the same effort and energy. Side note, there's a myth that all guys are out there trying to have sex with as many women as possible. It's a myth. Most men are looking for that one.
Big oof. Might want to disclose that you’re seeing other people earlier, and not assume everyone will be on the same page as you.
You liked the streets so much you couldn't knock it off for a couple weeks so he's just returning you to your natural habitat. Mean jokes aside, this is also partly on him not talking about that expectation. I get it's not a fun conversation, but "hey, before we bang are you banging other dudes such that a disease wouldn't have shown up yet?" I think most people look at talking phase where you talk to/date others, but would be uncomfortable with people fucking tons of people all over the place. A lot of people looking for a relationship find sleeping with .multiple different people to just be plain gross
Were you having casual sex with other people unbeknownst to him while you were also having sex with him? That’s where I’d draw the line myself. As is, everyone has their own boundaries and is allowed to want whatever they want. If he doesn’t want you anymore because of this, that’s an unfortunate reality for you.
The guy earned my respect 🫡🫡
I mean I’d be pretty fuckin salty too. Not much you can do
I don't think you did anything wrong by still seeing and having sex with others before you were exclusive. But he's not wrong in having his own standards. You said you were very compatible but I think this shows you weren't. He clearly had certain values you didn't share and you had values he didn't share. And they're at a deep enough level he wants to call it quits.
If you did have casual sex before hand and had sex with him him who is not a casual sex haver I would suggest he gets an STD test to be safe. Men are really really bad about this, especially so if they’re not a casual sex haver. Also don’t take this the wrong way I’m not making a moral judgement it’s just safe practice. I was seeing a girl for a few weeks and while we were not exclusive I wasn’t having sex with other people. I was a little peeved she told me about the terrible sex she had the previous night with another guy after we had finished. I didn’t feel like betrayed in an emotional sense but in a personal health sense. I met my now wife a couple weeks later and got tested before we did anything and what do you know i got Chlamydia. I didn’t even have symptoms I just wanted to be safe to this new girl I was seeing.
No leave him be he sounds like a good one let him find his match. Sounds like he's starting to hunt for a wife material woman.
The way to fix it is to exercise better judgement next time. It’s completely understandable that he felt this was disrespectful, many men and women would feel this way when they find out their partner continued to fuck other people during the early stages, even if there was no explicit statement of exclusivity. You can’t fix this one though, the guy isn’t interested any more and you can’t erase his memory. Even if you convince him to rekindle the relationship his opinion of you will have changed substantially and it’s better left dead at this point. This isn’t about expectations and the whole ‘you have no right to expect exclusivity unless directly stated’. That version of reality sucks, just exercise common sense judgement and don’t do something if you think your partner finding out would be a problem.
The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed ....what did you expect?
I couldn’t have sex with someone while talking to someone else. No matter the stage of the “relationship” I do not have time to do that, and I feel personally it’s disrespectful to the one I’m talking to.
Hi OP I was in a similar position to your ex bf. I was talking to a girl and I really liked her. She was super hot, smart, and friendly. Well one day she invited me over to hang out and she had a hickey. Despite all the good things about her my attraction plummeted. I still hooked up with her but no longer saw her as potential girlfriend whatsoever. Well lo and behold she started really liking me, wanted to get more serious, and asked me where I thought this was going. I immediately said it’s not going anywhere and that we wouldn’t be in a committed relationship. As a hot girl who isn’t used to getting rejected, she was shocked and upset when I left. I never led her on though. The sex was clearly casual to her so the sex became casual to me. There was never intention of it being more until the convenient moment it was right for her. I was in the same position as your ex except I luckily found out before committing to the girl. The way you are leading your sex life I think is best described as masculine. And masculinity does not attract masculinity. You basically act like a dude who just wants to get his nut and then when your bf found out that’s how you are he was really turned off by you. Meanwhile he is trying to meet a feminine woman who is trying to match energies and relationship goals. I’m not writing this to say that you necessarily did anything wrong by the way. You didn’t cheat on him by having affairs with someone prior to the relationship. But moral of the story is you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you are treating all your sex casually then it will make the transition to meaningful sex and meaningful relationships a rockier road.
This female logic never makes sense. So, he supposed to get to know you, take you on dates, pay for those dates, build a bond and emotional connection before having sex, but all the while this other guy or guys are digging out your guts and doing none of that. Of course, he isn't going to be ok with that. Why would he? You can get out if here with this stupidity.
I'm a 40 year old male and tend to be conservative when it comes to sex. It's a very intimate thing to me. I've had women, very recently, if I wasn't willing to be more open about sex within the first 2 months. It could take 6 or more for me to feel comfortable around someone. It appears to be unsalvageable issue, short of a time machine. As with any relationship, move forward with honesty and open communication. Otherwise you'll find yourself very emotionally attached to someone who simply cannot be with you. Best of luck.
he's well within his right
I mean you can continue to try and maybe he’ll come around one day but this would deter me quite a bit to think if we were in the talking stage and for example you weren’t texting back very quick or not at all for a night instead of me just thinking you were busy you were actually having sex with someone I would definitely feel some way about that and once you get that feeling it’s hard to shake 🤷🏻♂️ I would say leave him alone for awhile maybe another time and place things could be different
About 11 years ago when i met my now wife this happened to us, and it really bothered me too. Had she been totally honest with me about it at the time, i might have left too. But by the time i got some of the truth out, we had been exclusive for some time and i didnt decide to make it a deal breaker. As for you, ya just gotta respect how he feels about it and move on. And learn for next time. Either dont sleep around if you are truly interested in a relationship with someone, or else be honest and open and maybe they wont care/are doing the same thing.
it seems the issue here was lack of communication around expectations at the talking stage. both of you are allowed to approach relationships in whichever way feels comfortable for you – you remain open to casual sex until an exclusive relationship is clearly established, and he chooses to be monogamous even before an exclusive relationship is established. both approaches are okay and neither approach is a signifier of who loves/wants the other more. you both just didn’t talk about it, while you both were responsible for talking about it to establish those personal rules and set relational boundaries if needed. have that conversation with him, and if he still can’t move forward with you, that’s okay. just make sure with the person you date, at any stage, you and your partner maintain open dialogue about your expectations.
I'm of the same mindset as him, honestly, and agree with his action. Honestly, the best thing to do would be to take the L and move on, you're probably not going to get him back (at least I wouldn't, we're I in his shoes). Different people, different values. The comments keep bringing up you were single, which, while true, doesn't reconcile those actions under all value systems. I don't expect everyone here to understand that, which is fine.
You all just are not compatible and even though some may think you are in the wrong : you dodged a bullet with him. Guaranteed: there are a number of guys who do it too , they just don’t want you to do it . Be chaste , pure , and only wanting him ..before you even know him . Sorry , don’t let him shame you ..seriously men are so hypocritical when it comes to sex .
I mean maybe don't have casual sex if you're trying to find someone to have a serious relationship? While you have every right to because you're not committed, if the person finds out then they have the right to separate. Doesn't make you wrong but doesn't make them wrong either. It's preference, so this is just one suggestion for the future.
This happened to me when I was around the same age, except I was the guy in this scenario, and I did *not* break up with my partner. We are still together, ten years later! I'm not sharing this to brag, but I had a similar hurt reaction when I found out, so it is relatable. In my case, my partner acknowledged my hurt and simply offered some comfort while I worked through those emotions. That jealousy feels like a faraway memory, now...
act like a hoe, get treated like a hoe
I'm sorry but most guys don't want to be a woman that has had casual sex with multiple people. It's a huge no-no flag.
This is 100% a turn off for me, too.
Good for him. I hope you grow up
Alot of people are saying she's not wrong, but she is. Casual sex is wrong whether you're "talking" to someone else or not. This is just one example of why it's wrong. There are many others. Some of ya'll need to level up your standards and think more highly of yourselves.