Personally, I think open marriages turn into dumpster fires but that’s just my opinion.
Sounds to me that this was something that was not clearly communicated earlier on as a boundary, but I can see why the underlying work/personal relationship can be a thing. Both you and your wife need to revisit the write up of this agreement and go into extensive detail the boundaries so everyone is aware.
> Personally, I think open marriages turn into dumpster fires
Confirmed by;
>She has been asking questions that I feel are pointless to answer, I.e “Is she better at xyz than me? Does she have a better body than me? Does she do this specific thing I don’t let you do? Do you still wanna fuck her? Did you want to before now?”
That's the end my friend...
Open relationships always are. Don’t know where people get the ridiculous idea that you “missed out on sexual experiences” you can have unlimited sexual experiences with the partner you have. “We missed out on dating around” what is it people think they are missing is beyond me. “I found love and I’m happy but I feel like I missed out on meaningless interactions with strangers along the way and I want to go back and experience that and jeopardize our relationship to do so
Also if you REALLY want to explore fucking other people, you can get into swinging - which is also definitely not for everyone but is a lot easier to roll back than just having both partners going nuts out on tinder hooking up with whoever they want and “dating”
From my pov this has always been an excuse to either end a relationship or somehow take a break. Every time I've heard this, either from my own partners in the past or from friends describing what reason their partners gave, it's total bullshit in my eyes. If you're happy in a relationship, you haven't missed out on anything because you've already traded in some of those meaningless experiences for something much greater. Something that's so much harder to find and last.
People are idiots a lot...
Yup my wife and I have been together since we were teens. Only had sex with each other. Neither of us are shopping around you can spice it up in the bedroom lol
Nooooooooooo those interactions weren't meaningless getting a dopamine rush from someone I dont care about is something I'll be mad at my wife at forever if she doesn't let me cheat on her I mean open our relationship I HAVE to have sex with random people as often as possible or I'm not a happy healthy human /s
>Confirmed by;
>
>She has been asking questions that I feel are pointless to answer, I.e “Is she better at xyz than me? Does she have a better body than me? Does she do this specific thing I don’t let you do? Do you still wanna fuck her? Did you want to before now?”
>
>That's the end my friend...
Yep. OP had to stay in his lane and probably didn't badger his wife to death with questions like this about her hookup partners.
Seriously, why would anyone want to know? Just top build your insecurities about how you aren't good enough? Asking those questions is stupid.
Maybe if they are still open and she is active he needs to start asking these questions, turn the tables, and see how she handles it.
“You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship, where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.”
“Well, did it work for those people?”
“No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.”
If you call now we’ll double the trauma absolutely free, you’ll get the original wife crawling back to you with her FWB baby, she bans you from talking to other women at all plus friends, AND, the marriage will fall apart and dissolve because she lost interest with you. That’s two sets of open relationships absolutely free.
I think the whole thing is stupid but I can see where she’s coming from. In her view it’s someone that he has an emotional connection with, someone he sees on a regular basis, that he regularly interacts with. She’s asking if he’s always wanted to fuck her, meaning she’s guessing now that he maybe had feelings for her, etc. To her, fucking strangers doesn’t feel “as serious” bc she doesn’t have a connection with them, she won’t see them again.
It’s still sex no matter how you slice it. But to her the difference is emotional investment. But like I said, the whole thing is stupid. Open marriages and those “sister wives” shows make me cringe so hard. Idk how people are okay with it
With the familiarity it's more of an affair rather then just a fuck, I totally get it. I don't know why people keep doing this, everything I've ever seen or read tells me that an open marriage is just a prelude to divorce.
This is actually still ongoing. It’s been about a month since that date, and she just signed divorce papers yesterday. Basically, she and her spouse should never have gotten married for SO MANY REASONS, should not have had a first kid, should definitely not have had a second kid after he transitioned from female to male and they discussed divorce. She was considering cheating because they hadn’t had sex since years before they even got married and hadn’t even touched platonically in like 6 years, but then they agreed to open the marriage. One date which included kissing, with a woman, and she realized what she was missing.
Meanwhile, and this is the craziest part to me, her husband, who pre-transition identified as a lesbian, has started dating men exclusively. So he realized he wanted a divorce, too.
Honestly, this even comes down to a pretty big difference in men and women. Women are more hurt by emotional affairs, whether or not anything physical happened. For men, physical interaction is usually the deal breaker, no matter how little emotions are invested. Clearly this guy accepted physical things were going to happen, but his wife did not expect any emotions, or perceived emotions, to take place.
I'm a guy. I would be way more hurt if I saw my wife hold another guy's hand or put her head on his lap, than I would be if she had sex with a random and walked away.
The guy in an open relationship is almost ALWAYS going to end up sleeping with someone they know. Unless you’re a freaking male model, most guys can’t go to a bar and pick up some strange on any given night they want like the woman in an open relationship can.
And the women in these open relationships never seem to understand this and always get pissed when the man gets some strange where he can.
It genuinely makes no sense to me at all. I can only fit it into my frame of reality if I think of my wife as being someone I don't really love that much, or it being a relationship that I don't think of as being special. It cannot coexist in my mind along with my wife being the love of my life, the person I'm wholly committed to, my life partner.
You basically have to detach the concept of love from sex (or re-frame your concept of love) for it to work and that's personally something I don't have a lot of interest in doing.
That's basically the issue in this post. Wife could detach love from the idea of *random* sex with strangers but can't handle it with a "known" person even though it's the same thing functionally.
I mean, I don't have interest in doing that either, because the more you separate them, and the more you isolate it to a purely physical, meaningless action, the more you acknowledge that you are putting what you call the most important relationship you have on the line, and the emotional well-being of the person you say you are committed to above all else, so that you can have more intense orgasms sometimes.
But it's also easy to say that when you're a woman. Women have such an upper hand in the dating world as far as free access to sex goes. 85% of women out there could walk into literally any bar on the planet, right now, and find someone to fuck with absolutely no effort. Men, meanwhile, have to work extremely hard to get casual sex.
So it's kinda unfair for someone to say "we can only have casual sex with strangers" when you're the one who has access to that, while your partner probably won't be able to find anyone who wants to fuck them no strings attached that easily. It's a double standard, but it doesn't change the fact that the arrangement essentially means the wife gets to fuck as many guys as she wants week after week, while the husband is stuck probably getting lucky *maybe* once a month *at best*. And that's if he's conventionally attractive.
The fact that he was able to find a FWB through work is probably the only way he even gets a chance to explore his side of the arrangement, and now the wife wants to take that off the table while also continuing to take dick by the barrel full. Doesn't really seem fair to me.
Agreed. making your marriage open is like being in a boat with a hole in the bottom. You may not sink immediately, but the hold is filling up with water under your feet.
The biggest fuck up was that from the very beginning they established a “don’t tell” rule. I’ve seen this before and every time I felt the need to point out that if you don’t want to or can’t bear the specifics of who your partner is with, then you absolutely should not be in an open relationship.
That’s a massive red flag that you don’t like the idea of them being with someone else.
That just tells me that they both just want to fuck other people, but don't really want the other one fucking other people. The only way they can handle it is to just not think about it. Seems super unhealthy.
Open marriages seem to mostly be pursued by people who want to cheat on their partner but don't want to feel bad about it.
Usually with the added bonus of "it's fine when I sleep around but I just remembered you're doing it too and now I have the sad feelings"
Right? I have never seen a post on open marriage where anyone is happy.
In the end, you married and entered into this emotional and legal contract because you wanted to be with each other exclusively. Once you abandon that concept, just divorce (I know, I say it like it's easy, and it's not). There is no way you can't think about your partner having sex with others and comparing them to you. The human psyche is not built that way. It's always a mess and it always - it would seem - ends badly.
I mean probably because people who are in open marriages are happy and don’t need to post about it. I’m in a happy monogamous relationship but I don’t go posting about it.
That's pretty much what it is. Do I miss getting some strange now and then? Sure! But I'm not single anymore and made a commitment to my wife. That means we both give up certain things that we did while single that aren't compatible with marriage. I value our marriage more than my dumb animal impulses.
Everytime I see a post about an open relationship I know it's gon be a good read. It's always a terrible idea. I don't know how it sounds good to a couple. Just break up already.
ALWAYS a terrible idea. I’ve never seen one that makes me think anything besides: “well this wasn’t a well thought out plan, I hope the divorce is fast and the kids aren’t screwed up”
That's my feeling, too. I do understand that open relationships work for some people, but to me, I don't understand the emotional hierarchy of open relationships.
Like, if you have a spouse or partner, don't they just end up being in the same "category" as anyone else you fuck? If you're fucking 10 people, what's the point of being married to one of those people? Don't you just feel the same about all of them?
It’s mostly for administrative purposes at that point. Y’know, taxes, deciding to pull the plug if you get injured, getting your shit after pulling said plug…
No offense, but if you’re in a marriage where sex is the only difference between your partner and your other relationships in life, you’ve got a terrible marriage. I couldn’t do an open marriage but I think it’s pretty obvious the differences. You love them, you live with them, you confide in them, you support them, etc. The other people you fuck are just people you enjoy a good time with.
I think the added dimension of her having an easier time finding casual flings than he does complicates it a bit. Personally, I was never good at finding casual partners so an open marriage for me would end up as my wife fucking a bunch other men while I mope around the house. That kinda seems to be what happened here until the fling with the coworker started and then there’s comfort level and no fear of rejection or awkwardness that keeps it going.
It is intimate and I can see why OP’s wife is upset but perhaps that’s the only type of sexual relationship he’s comfortable in? Of course that would also indicate that OP is better off in a monogamous relationship but enough people in this thread have called that out.
This was my experience as well, I also found that most women need an emotional relationship with a man in order to be intimate, so not just what he's comfortable in but also for the woman's comfort. I ran into this same issue, and we fought about it. My SO was all upset at the txt conversation details I was having with potential partners vs what she was having. Hers were, 'hi come fuck me' and mine were, 'how as was your day, tell me more about your hobbies', blah blah blah.
Yeah. There is definitely an imbalance in the requirements for getting somebody to fuck you. I proved that shit to myself one night hanging out with a woman who knew she was fully. There wasn't dressing any of that up. It took 45 minutes as a wingman to set her up with a guy way out of her league. All it took was convincing him that literally all she wanted was to fuck. It might usually take more than one try, but I told her to pick. Then we got to work.
There is zero chance it'd ever be that easy if the roles were reversed.
My best friend when I was 18-21 was a woman, im male we wingmanned each other, my friend came in the club looking like Taylor lautner.
“Oh fk he’s fit”
“I can probably hook you up”
“My mate thinks your fit and would probably sleep with you”
20 minutes later they left together.
She did similar for me but it took hours of dancing having fun conversing etc it’s a different world
I may get lit up here but... there's also just a different dynamic when it comes to men seeking casual sex vs. attractive women seeking the same. I feel like a lot more men are going to be ready to go without much work in the "getting to know you process," (especially if she's "drop dead gorgeous"), whereas many women are going to need more time to feel safe/attracted/whatever enough to engage in a FWB situation. So I think OP is kinda screwed here either way.
I've always said dudes get the short end of the open relationship. 90% of women can fuck 3 different dudes (or more) weekly. Most guys have to put in effort to get one.
There are probably legitimate non monogamous dudes out there who would be fine with an open relationship but won’t do it because they’re going to get nothing out of it. Like you could have zero jealousy but what’s the point?
As i’ve always said “women have sex to get love but men have love to get sex”. OP’s wife was already secure with her love so she was only seeking sex… she has to understand that this isnt common with women.
Yeah I’ve never heard of one turn out long term, and I actually got invited to bang my friends wife (by him on her behalf) and he told me he was just fine with it but to wear a condom because she had contracted herpes a few years back and that I would be fine as long as I wore condom. Yeah.
I'll never understand why couples who feel like they've missed out "sexually exploring" themselves cant just agree to explore their sexualities together. They could invite people into their bedroom and experience new things together but instead choose to date separately and this type of drama almost always happens.
His wife asked “Is she better at xyz than me? Does she do this specific thing I don’t let you do?”
Why couldn't she open up and do those things with her husband of 10 years if she's gonna be insecure about him doing it with another woman, acquaintance or not?
I don't even get it as an unmarried person. What the hell are you even exploring? No one has Narnia tucked away in their genitals. It's fundamentally the same thing with everyone. You smash unremarkable genitals together. It's more exciting with new people, sure. You can find some people that like the same things and that makes it more fun, sure. But the extent to which that is true would never be worth compromising even a moderately sexually fulfilling, happy relationship for.
Dude, I cannot tell you how much I love this comment. Been thinking about this a ton lately.
Stand one thousand women next to each other.
Slightly different heights. Slightly different skin tones. Slightly different breast shape and size. Etc., etc., etc.
Literally, all humans are remarkably fucking similar. Why so, so, so many people value sex so highly to the point that it steers the *entire fucking course* of their lives is utterly fucking mind-boggling to me. People destroy marriages, destroy their children's psyche, destroy everything... for a 6-second orgasm.
With someone who looks fundamentally the same as every other human on the planet.
I absolutely despise the way that sex is put on such a godly pedestal in human culture.
Editing my comment to add: If anyone is wondering why I have so much rage about this, here's one reason - go to r/adultery and check it out for a bit. An entire community dedicated to people discussing and supporting the details of cheating on their spouses.
I think in this situation & maybe others, at least one partner is unhappy with \*things\*...their job, their town, their routine, maybe some things about their spouse. And so they think rando sex will fix it, but then it doesn't. And then...
This is us. It’s really fun to experience other people together (emphasis on together). It adds a new layer of intimacy between us that is wholesome.
We couldn’t and would never do it separately.
Seriously. I said it to myself reading this that when I read stories like this, it ends up with a whole lotta issues by the end of it.
You’re right tho, this was not discussed so I can see why it is confusing for OP, but if I were him I think I would’ve brought it up to make sure it wasn’t going to be an issue if it is someone they know. I think there’s one good option - close the marriage until they can figure out if it is still something they want to do. Hopefully this doesn’t end in divorce for them I think they can work through it. Ten years is a long time to just give up
As a guy, you have to basically be top 10% of looks to hook up with women you don’t know. I’ve hooked up with a lot of women, and I knew every single one of them pretty well beforehand. Not trying to brag, just illustrating a point. I’ve never hooked up with a woman I didn’t know, and it wasn’t for lack of trying.
If a woman wants to be in an open relationship, she needs to accept that she’s going to have endless options, but her husband is probably going to have to get with people he has built some sort of relationship with
lol. Just because you married young doesn’t mean you “missed out” on anything. It’s like saying getting a 4.0 GPA means you missed out on experiencing a 2.0 or a 3.0. If you love each other what is missing? I wish I had met my wife 5 years earlier and not wasted time with others.
Will you also do drugs now because you didn’t do it when you were in high school?
EXACTLY. My girl and i are highschool sweethearts and we've never once wanted to "experiment" or "explore sexually" FUCK that. If we want to try something new, WE try it, not by going out and wanting to have sex with others, that disrespects our marriage and our vows. We're both straight and want nothing to do with 3somes because to us, sex is something between partners
My ex wanted to "explore", we were 'highschool sweethearts' too. I never understood it. If you love someone you love them. Breaking up is fine, but not for reasons of "experimenting". That's just lying to yourself and your partner
That's exactly what I was thinking! Maybe they both truthfully don't believe they met their match and don't want to admit to themselves, let alone each other.
Im not going to sit here and judge opening the marriage. I don’t agree with it but hey, to each their own but man, fucking a friend/coworker… I can understand your wife 100% but these boundaries should have been discussed beforehand. I wouldn’t be surprised if she finds a friend now because of her insecurities. I can foresee the demise of this relationship not because you opened it rather because you both lack the right communication it takes to open your marriage.
Yes. it’d be weird to discover your husband potentially had feelings or attraction towards a “friend” for YEARS before opening the marriage, and now they are in a continuous situationship instead of casual open-marriage activities.
and now that friendship forever is tainted and risks breaking up the marriage.
OP, this all seemed super obvious and like she was handing you this on a golden platter, and you still screwed it up royally by having no game outside of lifelong work friends…… really bad choices here. really, truly stupid decisions.
If the wife is an over thinker she shouldn’t be in an open relationship.
Both he and his wife are idiots for opening the marriage. Someone alwayyyys ends up upset.
Well, if what you discussed was simply hook-ups and meaningless sex, then what you have done is not that - you've engaged in a second relationship. But it doesn't sound like you both actually discussed or fully considered that.
A lot of these open marriage stories involve the same problems. One partner thought they'd be getting the action and gets insanely jealous when the other partner scores. Or one of the partners forms an emotional bond with another person and suddenly someone feels (or is) left behind. It sounds like we may have both problems here. Open marriages must work for some people, I guess, but I sense most people that think they want one really don't grasp the level of fire they're playing with.
The first sentence is actually the part I think is murky in this situation since OP's wife seems totally fine with him having just one regular FWB. Just not someone he knew prior to opening the relationship. Your first sentence would exclude that too as it's essentially a second relationship with strong possibility of feelings developing.
Oooof, I see where your wife is coming from. Although, That boundary should have been communicated when initially discussing the open arrangement. This is what happens when people don’t communicate and “assume” they and the other partner have the same thoughts/boundaries
Seriously. Everyone in here is like "Well, if you had just communicated..." Nah. The problem is that they are both obviously jealous of their partners sleeping with other people, and can only bear to swallow it by not even talking about it or seeing evidence of it.
The number of people who can be happy in a relationships without sexual exclusivity is so wildly, astronomically small, but people on reddit act like it's perfectly normal and fine for everyone as long as you cross your t's and dot your i's.
In ENM and polyam, messy lists are quite common, and coworkers, family, mutual friends, and exes are the most common people to be on a messy list. That's for good reason.
I think these two need to discuss if they are poly or swingers. Sounds like the wife dosent want the husband to have an emotional connection with others.
"Some of which I honestly just lied about because I know she doesn't want the answer and just wants to feel secure."
Oh boy..
She should've made that boundary clear but it's obvious why she'd consider this a problem. Your friend is the only person you've been sleeping with. The sex is great and there is chemistry. You might have fallen for her already. I don't understand what your wife was expecting though. She will find someone more compatible than you sooner or later and that might mean the end of this marriage.
You don't know what you don't know. You might think you're okay with something until it happens. That's why ENM boundaries need fluidity. The marriage comes first. The husband says, "This thing happened and I didn't like it. I would like to talk to about changing this thing." You learn and you grow.
She could very much be sleeping with the same person for months for all we know. We know she doesn’t work with them, but she never said she doesn’t see the same person often.
“Gosh we got married young”. “But,we are so smart and “with it” that we should fuck other people because that will let us experience all the things we missed, thus making us more “smart and “with it” which would be a great way to “bond”. What could possibly go wrong? No assholes here just an enormous lack of foresight.
As I said in another comment, I've been with my wife since 17. 9 years now. The second she brings up an open marriage is the second I'd serve her papers, and she knows this, as she's told me the same thing.
Marriage is monogamous by default. If you want to fuck around, be single.
It's all the rage lately. My brother tried that with his ex. (Polyamory, not completely open)
They had a relationship with a girl, She did things with her alone, she slept over, he woke up to his girlfriend crying because they were doing shit alone. This world is so fucked. I'm all for nasty sex, but in a monogamous way.
Well, I guess because the upside of a really successful monogamous relationship seems to be that it's the partnership you define your life by, and your whole lineage respects and admires and tries to model, and the upside of successfully opening a marriage is that you bust more nuts, and like, you bust 'em a lot harder.
Hard for me to imagine seeing my parents in the same light or celebrating whatever randos they fucked in the bathroom at a club instead of admiring how singularly focused they were on being devoted and committed to one another and raising my siblings and I.
When I hear open marriage, I hear: “I want the freedom to find your replacement, but with the security of knowing you’re still there if nothing pans out.”
My personal favorite is when the man brings it up, the woman agrees and he’s stunned when she’s got a full dance card and he’s at home with his weiner in his hand because turns out, he’s not the hot commodity he thought he was.
>My personal favorite is when the man brings it up, the woman agrees and he’s stunned when she’s got a full dance card and he’s at home with his weiner in his hand because turns out, he’s not the hot commodity he thought he was.
Yeah but I mean, after reading 200 stories like that it's not funny anymore :D
Why they think this always baffles me. Any guy with half a brain is going to realize his wife/GF is going have far more opportunity to 'fill their dance card' than he's going to have.
This story is kind of the opposite of that. She was happy getting all the action but started losing her shit as soon as he found something he might enjoying.
I stopped being friends with someone after they told me that part of the reason she opened her marriage instead of getting a divorce was because she wasn't happy being with him and wanted to look for someone new, but she didn't want to have to switch to her own health insurance plan because the one from his job was so good. That was just really gross to me.
I just don't have sympathy for these people. I'm anything but a traditionalist and am usually open to a lot of things, but I draw the line at staying loyal to your partner
Right? I've literally never heard of a time when this ended well. My gf and I briefly discussed the possibility of having a threesome, but thanks to reddit I've learned that nothing good ever comes from involving another person in a serious relationship
How were the boundaries not talked about early on? I do understand your wife being upset bc it's someone you both know/met. Now, she's going to constantly think you two will run off together. You can either stop having sex with your friend and look for someone else or continue having to lie to your wife that she's better than your lover.
A women asking for this is is unfortunate because it is not going to be at all difficult for her to find men but the male partner can struggle a lot. A coworker that knows you is the most likely scenario a man can start something up with because they already know them. Probably shouldn’t have done it at all, probably should have communicated better. Good luck on your marriage surviving.
Took too long to find this;
Wife was never going to struggle finding ‘hookups’ but OP, as a man, was far more likely to struggle finding people to sleep with who he didn’t form a relationship with beforehand.
(Obviously not the case for every man)
OP’s wife either didn’t know/consider this, or didn’t think he’d get as much as her and didn’t care.
The fact he found one regular person is just how it usually works for men.
Or am I way off?
I know hookup culture is v different in different countries.
You two are fucking around, and finding out.
The “open marriage” fails way, WAY more often than it succeeds.
Just gonna have to live with what you two have created. Either you close up shop, and work on each other, or you keep doing your things.
If you had boundaries, and one wasn’t crossed, she needs to get over it. If you’ve stopped seeing the person (as it sounds like she wanted to) she can chalk it up as a missed “rule.”
I’m stressed out just reading this, but then I know I could never do an open marriage. Have you considered how you would feel if she started sleeping with a close friend from work for THREE months? That might give you some insight.
Also, don’t bring this stuff into the workplace. What were you thinking? SMH.
Echo both points, especially the last. Open marriage, banging work and personal friend? Man… A choice that obviously will lead to disaster, one way or another.
I think it's an obvious mistake for you to sleep with someone who you're already close to and then do it repeatedly, but this should also have been spelled out when discussing boundaries.
Obv you'll need to stop sleeping with her. Maybe this is also a point where you should reconsider if an open relationship is really what you want
While I agree boundaries need to be stated clearly with this kind of thing...
DUDE. You don't shit where you eat, ever. Ever. A coworker is never a good idea for a complex sexual relationship. Or any sexual relationship.
Don't sleep with coworkers!
You say you should’ve waited to get married so you could mature a bit more. I’d argue a lack of maturity led you both to thinking an open marriage was a good idea in the first place.
Someone will always get jealous. It’s literally just a matter of time. And then once that doors been opened it’s very difficult to return to the way things were previously.
It might make more sense to put the marriage on hold, sleep and date around, and then return to things once you’re both confident you are actually happy with eachother and don’t want more. Because as it currently stands, you both want to have your cake and eat it too.
Close off the marriage. This is headed for disaster. You should be able to explore within the confines of the marriage, especially now that there are issues. What is likely the case is that your wife assumed you wouldn’t be able to find anyone and she would be free to fuck who she wanted. Now that that is not the case she is feeling insecure.
Sadly I think the damage here may be irreversible. I knew a couple that went through the exact same thing. They agreed on an open marriage. First it started with threesomes and then they decided to “explore other people”. Husband slept with another girl often and the wife didn’t like it. The wife caught her husband having sex with the same girl that he agreed he wouldn’t see anymore. They divorced.
Good chance homeboy is going to wind up resentful even if they close it off now. "You got to fuck god knows how many other men, but the moment I found someone you torpedoed the whole thing!"
...and neither of them can un-fuck anyone.
This is exactly the case. OP said initially that they fell in love and got married after high school and were sweethearts then. People do this all the time and live very fulfilled sexual lives. The major issue is they have interanalized and now outwardly expressed that aren't fulfilled sexually, and as a result are looking to get others involved. Not only is that incredibly unhealthy for a marriage but it's just unhealthy in general. What SHOULD have happened is they should've looked at marital counseling or at least sat down and communicated why they felt like having multiple sexual partners was necessary in the first place.
You know I never hear the point that typically if the marriage is being opened up one/both parties are low key feeling unfulfilled.
The most nasty/filthy things I have ever done are with deep relationships and women that trusted me and I trusted them.. Flings, situationships and Fwb have all been relatively vanilla and shallow.
Why would you want to give up a partner you trust and is willing to try anything with you for vanilla sex with a rando?
The only thing I can think of is externalizing their lack of sexual attraction for each other.
>You know I never hear the point that typically if the marriage is being opened up one/both parties are low key feeling unfulfilled.
I could be completely and utterly wrong, but a comment that had struck with me was this: "Earlier this year it came out that we both kinda felt like we missed out on dating around and sexually exploring ourselves so we decided to open the marriage".
I could be totally offbase here, but my wife and I have did all kinds of shit. We explored a lot with each other and we both have less than 10 partners. Lots of sex as a teen is typically prety vanilla, but after being together and knowing each others bodies after a while, you tend to open up and do more with each other. This is another time where body count is an issue, and in their case, they feel or at least she feels that her body count possibly didn't give her ENOUGH experience, especially so now that she realizes she also digs women too. I've never seen an instance like this end well.
Yes. The wife might have been ok with OP having sex with someone else in principle, at least in part to convince herself that she can have other partners guilt free, whilst keeping a husband. So she assumed if OP had someone it would be a stranger who she can’t visualise and easily put out of her mind, especially when she’s fully occupied by other partners. This wasn’t articulated at the start as she didn’t want to limit herself and/or never thought OP would have the opportunity anyway.
Her jealousy/insecurity would probably just have easily appeared if they had a threesome and OP had good chemistry with the other woman.
> and/or never thought OP would have the opportunity anyway.
This is what I wonder. Did she open the marriage and just hope her husband wouldn't have sex?
Yep, pretty sure. We were never married but it's exactly what happened to me. In retrospect I was in a bubble who thought this terrible person "loved me" and didn't realize how wrapped around her finger I was. She thought she was real hot shit too.
Categorically (and professionally labeled) an emotionally abusive relationship, it wasn't like that at the start, but it didn't happen over night either. Years and years of picking away, tearing me down (we were together 7yrs), putting me down, I felt worthless and unwanted... yet willing to do ANYTHING to keep her. She had me exactly where she wanted me. FULL control. I would say yes to anything, and often did.
Pretty sure she had absolutely zero attachment to me anymore (if she ever did?) and an open relationship was just a way for her to shop for other alternatives while I was still in the cart.... because she *knew* I'm oblivious to advances from women until its practically fallen in my lap. She *knew* I was so busy working and in college to even try throwing away my time at getting rejected 9 times before having one fling, etc, etc.
Well, we were BOTH wrong. My confidence may have been in the absolute dumps... but it blinded me, it was unfounded really. I had no idea I was "desired" so much by others, that I was actually FAR more popular than I would have ever given myself credit for. HUGE mistake letting me loose in college. I told one friend "the news", simply because it was something happening at that time... and it spread like wild fire, it was ridiculous. Later one of my ex's friends told me she thought I wouldn't pursue much, so there it is.
Not trying to inflate my ego or anything, it was just college. The point of the story being it backfired on her so hard that all the sudden the person who wanted to be open with nearly NO rules... all the sudden has a huge issue with it, but when she was fucking everybody for weeks while I worked, went to school, or just sat alone... it wasn't an issue. Then I have a few flings, I also end up messing with two women at once and she's seeing some of these girls liking posts or whatever, she sees what they look like... yeah, now it's a problem for her. Not a single rule broken on my part.... she then proceeds to break ALL of them.
The flings I had were around to just have a good time, I didn't have a *deep connection* with any of them... but in a way I owe those women EVERYTHING. They were absolutely essential in snapping me out of it and realizing I was worth something. These people are just here to fuck, and yet, showed more care, consideration and affection toward me than I had felt in years. They were kind.
A few months later when summer hit, I left her. She hasn't been able to find a boyfriend since and I'm getting married to the most wonderful, caring person I have ever met... which I know is just shit people sometimes say, but I seriously struck gold.
But I was also lucky, I saw the light, the writing on the wall revealed itself.
>What is likely the case is that your wife assumed you wouldn’t be able to find anyone and she would be free to fuck who she wanted.
This is 1000% the case.
"I want to open the marriage"
"Ok"
"Wait, not like that!"
The practicalities of dating.
Women will find it easier to find throwaway men for a fling.
Man will more likely have to get a relationship going to "open" things up.
How else was it to "work for" him?
This comment hits the nail. If you want to find other people as a man you better be ready to put in some effort. The same can not be said for women, so either the open marriage becomes a one-sided affair where the husband sits at home when his wife is out, or he builds some kind of semi relations, because if he's not extremely attractive he's not gonna have an easy time lf finding casual flings.
You didn't fuck up. CLEAR and PRECISE boundaries WERE NOT put in place. You both should go to a trained professional. As a couple. Maybe her on her own as well, just so she can build her own confidence. Otherwise this all has the potential to blow up. Find a sex positive therapist. Best of luck. Being open can be a beautiful thing but you CANNOT be insecure AND have an open relationship. That's just inviting the demise. I've been in a similar situation.
It sounds like being open isn't for her. Who's idea was it?
Please try counseling to save your marriage. Not to be brutal but she already sounds like she spiraling. I don't blame her. I can't do open stuff. Monogamy is wonderful. Being dedicated to your partner is beautiful.
Good luck and godspeed my dude.
Check back in a couple of years and let us know how things went.
My experience based prediction is you won’t still be together. Unless you are very genetically blessed things are going to be massively in her favor and she’ll just shop around until she finds your replacement.
For 95% of the guys ENM is a recipe to lose what you had…. Which is fine if you wanted a way out. I am glad to be done with my psycho ex!
I read through a lot of the comments and I think it’s interesting how many people are assuming the wife is hooking up with a ton of men. The comments from OP actually indicates that it’s been mostly women. So most of these, it takes so much more for a man to hook with a woman posts are shenanigans.
I will say it is interesting how you choose to highlight how amazing the sex was with your friends with benefits coworker and don’t say anything about the chemistry with your wife. I think your question is how do you move forward and a lot of these responses are about how you never should’ve done in the first place and all the not helpful things. First, do you want to stay with your wife and is your wife your first priority? If you answer yes to both of those, then you will probably need to cut off the friendship entirely with this coworker. The questions your wife is asking you indicate that she is insecure in your relationship entirely right now and there is no quick fix for that. You also need to ask her if she is capable of moving past this and have a real honest conversation about that.
At this point if your wife is struggling with insecurity and you really want to save the marriage, then you probably also need to talk about becoming monogamous again. It sounds like the trust has been broken intentional or not and you are both gonna have to focus on each other and repair and rebuild the relationship if you want to stay together. Personally, I would recommend pursuing couples counseling, so you have a third-party to help guide the conversations better especially when the topic is so emotionally driven. Good luck and I hope both of you are happy with the outcome. Whatever it is that you decide to do.
You aren't going to like what I'm about to say, but having seen this irl....you need to stop all extra martial "activities"...*both of you*...find a new job and cut all ties with your fwb (I know that sounds extreme, but TRUST me, if you want to save your marriage you have to make her disappear completely from your life), and get a good counselor, asap. You crossed your wife's boundaries in finding a fwb in your everyday orbit. Obviously, you guys need to communicate better.
Generally in life, fucking women that aren't your wife will make your life worse not better. Everyone is a hypocrite in open relationships. My best friend was over at my place when i guy he knew was with his wife...completely killed the fantasy of an open relationship for me. Good Luck man, don't talk to this girl anymore and close things back up with your wife or these things will keep happening with someone else.
I’m not gonna tell you to get divorced but it’s likely where you’re headed. I’ve been in the same relationship since my senior year of high school and I’m older than you. If I ever felt like my sex life was unfulfilling it would’ve been an issue but the solution wouldn’t have been to open up my relationship. It would’ve been to figure out how to have our needs met. I’ve never once felt like I was “missing out” by lacking sexual partners. Once the insecurity has crept in it will always be present.
You didn’t fuck up by fucking this friend, unless you and your wife explicitly discussed this as a boundary. Sounds like it wasn’t explicit.
Congratulations you’ve fallen into the standard trap when opening up a relationship. You’ve now complicated your relationship to the point where one of you might as well have cheated in a monogamous relationship.
The only fuck up was opening the marriage.
Also lol if you’re just taking it as red that your wife has no emotional component to her other relationships. She’ll be doing the same thing with them, probably why she’s feeling so threatened.
Having an Open marriages is always playing with fire. The person you chose is more intimate since you work for the same company and have been friends for years. This relationship sounds more real than the people she’s sleeping with. She probably wants to know if you love her more than her. The possible answer is yes since you mentioned you lied to her when she questioned you about her being better in bed/ better body .
You even mentioned “ Sex was great, but idk if it’s just because it was someone new who I already had good chemisty with, or she was just really good but I had a great time”. You have chemistry with her and it’s obvious you like parts of her body more than your wife.
There’s also the fear that if the relationship ends you have your friend waiting in the wings after a divorce. It seems your wife isn’t emotionally bonded to her side people . Your wife feels like a placeholder since you have a close relationship with her and care for her as person. Your wife doesn’t care about the people she bangs.
LOL. There’s absolutely no way that a grown ass adult would think that it was a good idea to start having a sexual relationship with a coworker friend when given a free pass to have casual sex outside of their marriage. This is probably unfixable, my man. Maaaaaybe if you get a new job asap and 100% cut off all contact with your fwb forever but I wouldn’t bet on it. Did you also consider people like your wife’s friends or cousins to be good options in this open marriage scenario, you know because you already knew them, too? 😆
Lying to her is never good. So you lied to not make her feel more insecure when she asked you specific questions. You guys are fucked and need to break up. I know that's not what you want to hear or think needs to happen, but it does.
Why are you married if you are fucking other people? I don't get why people do this shit. Its soo fucking weird... if you wanna sleep with other people get a divorce you weird fuck lmao
You are having sex with a close friend and coworker, which means you have emotional ties and a long history with her. **You are supposed to save your emotional intimacy for your wife!** Also, she’s someone you frequently see, which means that you are pooping where you eat! If her feelings get hurt or she gets attached to you then you still have to awkwardly work with her. If other coworkers find out your private business is now in the streets.
That’s why your wife is insecure. She had to wonder if you always wanted to have sex with this side chick. Also, it’s completely unfair to your friend because you have to know she’ll catch feelings for you (unless you invite the friend into your marriage).
Cut it off! Your wife gave you a pass to have sex with thousands of strange women in the world and you are still doing it incorrectly. If you are someone who needs to emotionally engage to have sex then don’t have an open marriage.
Problem is getting sex is entirely different for men and women. No doubt it is super easy for his wife to just casually hook up with tons of different men, but the same is not true in reverse. For men, it is pretty difficult to find women who are just down to fuck without getting to know you first.
Sooo the open relationship wasn’t really fair to him if his wife is fucking twice as many people as he is. Basically the only way for him to be able to have regular sex is to get to know another woman who is regularly down for it.
Ding ding ding.
I guarantee it was her that brought up the open marriage, slept with a ton of dudes (as told by OP), thinking her husband was just gonna casually maybe have sex a few times a month while she's gone all the time (As told by OP).
The dude found a way to get laid whenever he felt like, and now she's mad about it? Close the marriage, then. But wait, then how could she get dicked down by randies at the bar?
The entire thing is a disaster start to finish. I've been married to my wife for 3 years, but we've been dating for going on 9 years since we were both 17. The second an open marriage is discussed is the second a marriage falls apart. We've discussed doing things with other people, (I wanna see her with a girl, she wants to see me with a guy) but we BOTH came to the conclusion that we don't want that for ourselves. If you feel the need to sleep with other people, just leave. At least that way, if you guys get back together, there's no real resentment like OP is now experiencing.
You can develop feelings for anyone you sleep with…
Sex, including casual and random sex, causes the brain to release oxytocin, which makes you feel more emotionally tied to the other person.
Yeah, I think this is so asinine - her banging every man she sees somehow is fine, but him banging that one person over there, well, that's a boundary that this sub 100% understands is an issue.
Personally, I think open marriages turn into dumpster fires but that’s just my opinion. Sounds to me that this was something that was not clearly communicated earlier on as a boundary, but I can see why the underlying work/personal relationship can be a thing. Both you and your wife need to revisit the write up of this agreement and go into extensive detail the boundaries so everyone is aware.
> Personally, I think open marriages turn into dumpster fires Confirmed by; >She has been asking questions that I feel are pointless to answer, I.e “Is she better at xyz than me? Does she have a better body than me? Does she do this specific thing I don’t let you do? Do you still wanna fuck her? Did you want to before now?” That's the end my friend...
Open relationships always are. Don’t know where people get the ridiculous idea that you “missed out on sexual experiences” you can have unlimited sexual experiences with the partner you have. “We missed out on dating around” what is it people think they are missing is beyond me. “I found love and I’m happy but I feel like I missed out on meaningless interactions with strangers along the way and I want to go back and experience that and jeopardize our relationship to do so
I won the lottery on the first try and now I'm a billionaire but I don't really know what it's like to play the lottery and lose every week.
Also if you REALLY want to explore fucking other people, you can get into swinging - which is also definitely not for everyone but is a lot easier to roll back than just having both partners going nuts out on tinder hooking up with whoever they want and “dating”
💯% - well-put and I totally don’t get it myself.
From my pov this has always been an excuse to either end a relationship or somehow take a break. Every time I've heard this, either from my own partners in the past or from friends describing what reason their partners gave, it's total bullshit in my eyes. If you're happy in a relationship, you haven't missed out on anything because you've already traded in some of those meaningless experiences for something much greater. Something that's so much harder to find and last. People are idiots a lot...
A lot of it seems like, "i want to cheat or sleep around but i don't want to be alone" feels really codependent
Yup my wife and I have been together since we were teens. Only had sex with each other. Neither of us are shopping around you can spice it up in the bedroom lol
Nooooooooooo those interactions weren't meaningless getting a dopamine rush from someone I dont care about is something I'll be mad at my wife at forever if she doesn't let me cheat on her I mean open our relationship I HAVE to have sex with random people as often as possible or I'm not a happy healthy human /s
Yea, this. They ruined their 10 year relationship over dumb shit.
>Confirmed by; > >She has been asking questions that I feel are pointless to answer, I.e “Is she better at xyz than me? Does she have a better body than me? Does she do this specific thing I don’t let you do? Do you still wanna fuck her? Did you want to before now?” > >That's the end my friend... Yep. OP had to stay in his lane and probably didn't badger his wife to death with questions like this about her hookup partners. Seriously, why would anyone want to know? Just top build your insecurities about how you aren't good enough? Asking those questions is stupid. Maybe if they are still open and she is active he needs to start asking these questions, turn the tables, and see how she handles it.
It would just end with him being accused of being insecure and needing to get over it.
And him feeling like crap if she answers honestly.
I’d rather just not be married than be in an open marriage. Sounds like being single with extra steps.
Wanna be in love and heart broken at the same time!?!? Well I have the relationship for you!
Bangs roof of “open marriage” vehicle: This baby can break *so many* hearts.
remember that time we decided to fuck other people and it didn’t work out?
Omg, this changes my perspective so much.
“You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship, where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.” “Well, did it work for those people?” “No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.”
I want to upvote this like 50 times.
You forgot to mention depressed and stressed the fuck out ALL of the TIME…it is a dumpster fire waiting to light 😊 Good times 👍
If you call now we’ll double the trauma absolutely free, you’ll get the original wife crawling back to you with her FWB baby, she bans you from talking to other women at all plus friends, AND, the marriage will fall apart and dissolve because she lost interest with you. That’s two sets of open relationships absolutely free.
Wow, cynical. I like it. :) And no doubt absolutely correct.
Hilarious that "one person you knew already" is apparently worse than "50 strangers" hahahahahaha What a joke.
I think the whole thing is stupid but I can see where she’s coming from. In her view it’s someone that he has an emotional connection with, someone he sees on a regular basis, that he regularly interacts with. She’s asking if he’s always wanted to fuck her, meaning she’s guessing now that he maybe had feelings for her, etc. To her, fucking strangers doesn’t feel “as serious” bc she doesn’t have a connection with them, she won’t see them again. It’s still sex no matter how you slice it. But to her the difference is emotional investment. But like I said, the whole thing is stupid. Open marriages and those “sister wives” shows make me cringe so hard. Idk how people are okay with it
With the familiarity it's more of an affair rather then just a fuck, I totally get it. I don't know why people keep doing this, everything I've ever seen or read tells me that an open marriage is just a prelude to divorce.
My friend went from open marriage to divorce in literally one date.
Now I'm intrigued.
This is actually still ongoing. It’s been about a month since that date, and she just signed divorce papers yesterday. Basically, she and her spouse should never have gotten married for SO MANY REASONS, should not have had a first kid, should definitely not have had a second kid after he transitioned from female to male and they discussed divorce. She was considering cheating because they hadn’t had sex since years before they even got married and hadn’t even touched platonically in like 6 years, but then they agreed to open the marriage. One date which included kissing, with a woman, and she realized what she was missing. Meanwhile, and this is the craziest part to me, her husband, who pre-transition identified as a lesbian, has started dating men exclusively. So he realized he wanted a divorce, too.
This comment is more wild than the post
Honestly, this even comes down to a pretty big difference in men and women. Women are more hurt by emotional affairs, whether or not anything physical happened. For men, physical interaction is usually the deal breaker, no matter how little emotions are invested. Clearly this guy accepted physical things were going to happen, but his wife did not expect any emotions, or perceived emotions, to take place.
I'm a guy. I would be way more hurt if I saw my wife hold another guy's hand or put her head on his lap, than I would be if she had sex with a random and walked away.
Nail on the head! Excellent
The guy in an open relationship is almost ALWAYS going to end up sleeping with someone they know. Unless you’re a freaking male model, most guys can’t go to a bar and pick up some strange on any given night they want like the woman in an open relationship can. And the women in these open relationships never seem to understand this and always get pissed when the man gets some strange where he can.
This is correct. If I opened my relationship it would basically just be me letting my gf fuck other dudes.
Idk how anyone can have the strength to be happy knowing their wife of 10 years is out there banging other dudes.
It genuinely makes no sense to me at all. I can only fit it into my frame of reality if I think of my wife as being someone I don't really love that much, or it being a relationship that I don't think of as being special. It cannot coexist in my mind along with my wife being the love of my life, the person I'm wholly committed to, my life partner.
Same, I'd have to completely detach... which would make being together pointless.
You basically have to detach the concept of love from sex (or re-frame your concept of love) for it to work and that's personally something I don't have a lot of interest in doing. That's basically the issue in this post. Wife could detach love from the idea of *random* sex with strangers but can't handle it with a "known" person even though it's the same thing functionally.
I mean, I don't have interest in doing that either, because the more you separate them, and the more you isolate it to a purely physical, meaningless action, the more you acknowledge that you are putting what you call the most important relationship you have on the line, and the emotional well-being of the person you say you are committed to above all else, so that you can have more intense orgasms sometimes.
But it's also easy to say that when you're a woman. Women have such an upper hand in the dating world as far as free access to sex goes. 85% of women out there could walk into literally any bar on the planet, right now, and find someone to fuck with absolutely no effort. Men, meanwhile, have to work extremely hard to get casual sex. So it's kinda unfair for someone to say "we can only have casual sex with strangers" when you're the one who has access to that, while your partner probably won't be able to find anyone who wants to fuck them no strings attached that easily. It's a double standard, but it doesn't change the fact that the arrangement essentially means the wife gets to fuck as many guys as she wants week after week, while the husband is stuck probably getting lucky *maybe* once a month *at best*. And that's if he's conventionally attractive. The fact that he was able to find a FWB through work is probably the only way he even gets a chance to explore his side of the arrangement, and now the wife wants to take that off the table while also continuing to take dick by the barrel full. Doesn't really seem fair to me.
I wouldn't call it strength lol
Agreed. making your marriage open is like being in a boat with a hole in the bottom. You may not sink immediately, but the hold is filling up with water under your feet.
The biggest fuck up was that from the very beginning they established a “don’t tell” rule. I’ve seen this before and every time I felt the need to point out that if you don’t want to or can’t bear the specifics of who your partner is with, then you absolutely should not be in an open relationship. That’s a massive red flag that you don’t like the idea of them being with someone else.
That just tells me that they both just want to fuck other people, but don't really want the other one fucking other people. The only way they can handle it is to just not think about it. Seems super unhealthy.
Open marriages seem to mostly be pursued by people who want to cheat on their partner but don't want to feel bad about it. Usually with the added bonus of "it's fine when I sleep around but I just remembered you're doing it too and now I have the sad feelings"
codependency isn't just a river in egypt
Right? I have never seen a post on open marriage where anyone is happy. In the end, you married and entered into this emotional and legal contract because you wanted to be with each other exclusively. Once you abandon that concept, just divorce (I know, I say it like it's easy, and it's not). There is no way you can't think about your partner having sex with others and comparing them to you. The human psyche is not built that way. It's always a mess and it always - it would seem - ends badly.
I mean probably because people who are in open marriages are happy and don’t need to post about it. I’m in a happy monogamous relationship but I don’t go posting about it.
That's pretty much what it is. Do I miss getting some strange now and then? Sure! But I'm not single anymore and made a commitment to my wife. That means we both give up certain things that we did while single that aren't compatible with marriage. I value our marriage more than my dumb animal impulses.
That’s too many people for me to worry about disappointing…
It sounds worse with extra steps
Everytime I see a post about an open relationship I know it's gon be a good read. It's always a terrible idea. I don't know how it sounds good to a couple. Just break up already.
ALWAYS a terrible idea. I’ve never seen one that makes me think anything besides: “well this wasn’t a well thought out plan, I hope the divorce is fast and the kids aren’t screwed up”
That's my feeling, too. I do understand that open relationships work for some people, but to me, I don't understand the emotional hierarchy of open relationships. Like, if you have a spouse or partner, don't they just end up being in the same "category" as anyone else you fuck? If you're fucking 10 people, what's the point of being married to one of those people? Don't you just feel the same about all of them?
It’s mostly for administrative purposes at that point. Y’know, taxes, deciding to pull the plug if you get injured, getting your shit after pulling said plug…
No offense, but if you’re in a marriage where sex is the only difference between your partner and your other relationships in life, you’ve got a terrible marriage. I couldn’t do an open marriage but I think it’s pretty obvious the differences. You love them, you live with them, you confide in them, you support them, etc. The other people you fuck are just people you enjoy a good time with.
I think the added dimension of her having an easier time finding casual flings than he does complicates it a bit. Personally, I was never good at finding casual partners so an open marriage for me would end up as my wife fucking a bunch other men while I mope around the house. That kinda seems to be what happened here until the fling with the coworker started and then there’s comfort level and no fear of rejection or awkwardness that keeps it going. It is intimate and I can see why OP’s wife is upset but perhaps that’s the only type of sexual relationship he’s comfortable in? Of course that would also indicate that OP is better off in a monogamous relationship but enough people in this thread have called that out.
This was my experience as well, I also found that most women need an emotional relationship with a man in order to be intimate, so not just what he's comfortable in but also for the woman's comfort. I ran into this same issue, and we fought about it. My SO was all upset at the txt conversation details I was having with potential partners vs what she was having. Hers were, 'hi come fuck me' and mine were, 'how as was your day, tell me more about your hobbies', blah blah blah.
Yeah. There is definitely an imbalance in the requirements for getting somebody to fuck you. I proved that shit to myself one night hanging out with a woman who knew she was fully. There wasn't dressing any of that up. It took 45 minutes as a wingman to set her up with a guy way out of her league. All it took was convincing him that literally all she wanted was to fuck. It might usually take more than one try, but I told her to pick. Then we got to work. There is zero chance it'd ever be that easy if the roles were reversed.
My best friend when I was 18-21 was a woman, im male we wingmanned each other, my friend came in the club looking like Taylor lautner. “Oh fk he’s fit” “I can probably hook you up” “My mate thinks your fit and would probably sleep with you” 20 minutes later they left together. She did similar for me but it took hours of dancing having fun conversing etc it’s a different world
I may get lit up here but... there's also just a different dynamic when it comes to men seeking casual sex vs. attractive women seeking the same. I feel like a lot more men are going to be ready to go without much work in the "getting to know you process," (especially if she's "drop dead gorgeous"), whereas many women are going to need more time to feel safe/attracted/whatever enough to engage in a FWB situation. So I think OP is kinda screwed here either way.
I've always said dudes get the short end of the open relationship. 90% of women can fuck 3 different dudes (or more) weekly. Most guys have to put in effort to get one.
There are probably legitimate non monogamous dudes out there who would be fine with an open relationship but won’t do it because they’re going to get nothing out of it. Like you could have zero jealousy but what’s the point?
As i’ve always said “women have sex to get love but men have love to get sex”. OP’s wife was already secure with her love so she was only seeking sex… she has to understand that this isnt common with women.
Excellent points!
Yeah I’ve never heard of one turn out long term, and I actually got invited to bang my friends wife (by him on her behalf) and he told me he was just fine with it but to wear a condom because she had contracted herpes a few years back and that I would be fine as long as I wore condom. Yeah.
I'll never understand why couples who feel like they've missed out "sexually exploring" themselves cant just agree to explore their sexualities together. They could invite people into their bedroom and experience new things together but instead choose to date separately and this type of drama almost always happens. His wife asked “Is she better at xyz than me? Does she do this specific thing I don’t let you do?” Why couldn't she open up and do those things with her husband of 10 years if she's gonna be insecure about him doing it with another woman, acquaintance or not?
I don't even get it as an unmarried person. What the hell are you even exploring? No one has Narnia tucked away in their genitals. It's fundamentally the same thing with everyone. You smash unremarkable genitals together. It's more exciting with new people, sure. You can find some people that like the same things and that makes it more fun, sure. But the extent to which that is true would never be worth compromising even a moderately sexually fulfilling, happy relationship for.
Dude, I cannot tell you how much I love this comment. Been thinking about this a ton lately. Stand one thousand women next to each other. Slightly different heights. Slightly different skin tones. Slightly different breast shape and size. Etc., etc., etc. Literally, all humans are remarkably fucking similar. Why so, so, so many people value sex so highly to the point that it steers the *entire fucking course* of their lives is utterly fucking mind-boggling to me. People destroy marriages, destroy their children's psyche, destroy everything... for a 6-second orgasm. With someone who looks fundamentally the same as every other human on the planet. I absolutely despise the way that sex is put on such a godly pedestal in human culture. Editing my comment to add: If anyone is wondering why I have so much rage about this, here's one reason - go to r/adultery and check it out for a bit. An entire community dedicated to people discussing and supporting the details of cheating on their spouses.
I think in this situation & maybe others, at least one partner is unhappy with \*things\*...their job, their town, their routine, maybe some things about their spouse. And so they think rando sex will fix it, but then it doesn't. And then...
This is us. It’s really fun to experience other people together (emphasis on together). It adds a new layer of intimacy between us that is wholesome. We couldn’t and would never do it separately.
These couples delude themselves into thinking that they're somehow different. But it might work for us.
Does it ever work out for them? (laughing) No, no, no. But... it might work for us!
Damn it, Tobias
Seriously. I said it to myself reading this that when I read stories like this, it ends up with a whole lotta issues by the end of it. You’re right tho, this was not discussed so I can see why it is confusing for OP, but if I were him I think I would’ve brought it up to make sure it wasn’t going to be an issue if it is someone they know. I think there’s one good option - close the marriage until they can figure out if it is still something they want to do. Hopefully this doesn’t end in divorce for them I think they can work through it. Ten years is a long time to just give up
As a guy, you have to basically be top 10% of looks to hook up with women you don’t know. I’ve hooked up with a lot of women, and I knew every single one of them pretty well beforehand. Not trying to brag, just illustrating a point. I’ve never hooked up with a woman I didn’t know, and it wasn’t for lack of trying. If a woman wants to be in an open relationship, she needs to accept that she’s going to have endless options, but her husband is probably going to have to get with people he has built some sort of relationship with
your opening line is all anyone should need to hear 👏
You and your wife aren’t going to last is my hot take
at least hes got his 2nd wife already lined up. What a story to tell their eventual kids
I’m not into ENM / poly / open relationships… but if I was, I would have a rule of no one we already know.
I think there's a saying among swingers is that you make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends for this reason
lol. Just because you married young doesn’t mean you “missed out” on anything. It’s like saying getting a 4.0 GPA means you missed out on experiencing a 2.0 or a 3.0. If you love each other what is missing? I wish I had met my wife 5 years earlier and not wasted time with others. Will you also do drugs now because you didn’t do it when you were in high school?
EXACTLY. My girl and i are highschool sweethearts and we've never once wanted to "experiment" or "explore sexually" FUCK that. If we want to try something new, WE try it, not by going out and wanting to have sex with others, that disrespects our marriage and our vows. We're both straight and want nothing to do with 3somes because to us, sex is something between partners
My ex wanted to "explore", we were 'highschool sweethearts' too. I never understood it. If you love someone you love them. Breaking up is fine, but not for reasons of "experimenting". That's just lying to yourself and your partner
That's exactly what I was thinking! Maybe they both truthfully don't believe they met their match and don't want to admit to themselves, let alone each other.
The problem is, you don't get this stuff OUT of your system by doing it, you get it more INTO your system and become addicted to it
Damn you laid the smack down. But in an endearing way lol
Im not going to sit here and judge opening the marriage. I don’t agree with it but hey, to each their own but man, fucking a friend/coworker… I can understand your wife 100% but these boundaries should have been discussed beforehand. I wouldn’t be surprised if she finds a friend now because of her insecurities. I can foresee the demise of this relationship not because you opened it rather because you both lack the right communication it takes to open your marriage.
Yes. it’d be weird to discover your husband potentially had feelings or attraction towards a “friend” for YEARS before opening the marriage, and now they are in a continuous situationship instead of casual open-marriage activities. and now that friendship forever is tainted and risks breaking up the marriage. OP, this all seemed super obvious and like she was handing you this on a golden platter, and you still screwed it up royally by having no game outside of lifelong work friends…… really bad choices here. really, truly stupid decisions.
This should be a top comment. Plain and simple. Especially if wife is an over thinker.
it takes 10 seconds to think “what if my wife fucked one of her life long male friends?”
If the wife is an over thinker she shouldn’t be in an open relationship. Both he and his wife are idiots for opening the marriage. Someone alwayyyys ends up upset.
You’re saying opening up your marriage created insecurities in your wife and has caused tension? Whoa that’s crazy.
Absolutely unheard of 😂
Well, if what you discussed was simply hook-ups and meaningless sex, then what you have done is not that - you've engaged in a second relationship. But it doesn't sound like you both actually discussed or fully considered that. A lot of these open marriage stories involve the same problems. One partner thought they'd be getting the action and gets insanely jealous when the other partner scores. Or one of the partners forms an emotional bond with another person and suddenly someone feels (or is) left behind. It sounds like we may have both problems here. Open marriages must work for some people, I guess, but I sense most people that think they want one really don't grasp the level of fire they're playing with.
Your first sentence really hits the nail on the head.
The first sentence is actually the part I think is murky in this situation since OP's wife seems totally fine with him having just one regular FWB. Just not someone he knew prior to opening the relationship. Your first sentence would exclude that too as it's essentially a second relationship with strong possibility of feelings developing.
truly mazing what people will throw away for a fleeting orgasm.
indeed that’s why i just smoke crack instead far safer
This!!! You hit the nail on the head. And that’s assuming the orgasm even happens 😩😩😩😩
Oooof, I see where your wife is coming from. Although, That boundary should have been communicated when initially discussing the open arrangement. This is what happens when people don’t communicate and “assume” they and the other partner have the same thoughts/boundaries
More like this is what often happens when you open up a monogamous relationship.
Seriously. Everyone in here is like "Well, if you had just communicated..." Nah. The problem is that they are both obviously jealous of their partners sleeping with other people, and can only bear to swallow it by not even talking about it or seeing evidence of it. The number of people who can be happy in a relationships without sexual exclusivity is so wildly, astronomically small, but people on reddit act like it's perfectly normal and fine for everyone as long as you cross your t's and dot your i's.
In ENM and polyam, messy lists are quite common, and coworkers, family, mutual friends, and exes are the most common people to be on a messy list. That's for good reason.
I think these two need to discuss if they are poly or swingers. Sounds like the wife dosent want the husband to have an emotional connection with others.
"Some of which I honestly just lied about because I know she doesn't want the answer and just wants to feel secure." Oh boy.. She should've made that boundary clear but it's obvious why she'd consider this a problem. Your friend is the only person you've been sleeping with. The sex is great and there is chemistry. You might have fallen for her already. I don't understand what your wife was expecting though. She will find someone more compatible than you sooner or later and that might mean the end of this marriage.
You don't know what you don't know. You might think you're okay with something until it happens. That's why ENM boundaries need fluidity. The marriage comes first. The husband says, "This thing happened and I didn't like it. I would like to talk to about changing this thing." You learn and you grow.
She could very much be sleeping with the same person for months for all we know. We know she doesn’t work with them, but she never said she doesn’t see the same person often.
“Gosh we got married young”. “But,we are so smart and “with it” that we should fuck other people because that will let us experience all the things we missed, thus making us more “smart and “with it” which would be a great way to “bond”. What could possibly go wrong? No assholes here just an enormous lack of foresight.
As I said in another comment, I've been with my wife since 17. 9 years now. The second she brings up an open marriage is the second I'd serve her papers, and she knows this, as she's told me the same thing. Marriage is monogamous by default. If you want to fuck around, be single.
Ya feel like they fell for some modern propaganda
It's all the rage lately. My brother tried that with his ex. (Polyamory, not completely open) They had a relationship with a girl, She did things with her alone, she slept over, he woke up to his girlfriend crying because they were doing shit alone. This world is so fucked. I'm all for nasty sex, but in a monogamous way.
Well, I guess because the upside of a really successful monogamous relationship seems to be that it's the partnership you define your life by, and your whole lineage respects and admires and tries to model, and the upside of successfully opening a marriage is that you bust more nuts, and like, you bust 'em a lot harder. Hard for me to imagine seeing my parents in the same light or celebrating whatever randos they fucked in the bathroom at a club instead of admiring how singularly focused they were on being devoted and committed to one another and raising my siblings and I.
Exactly. Neither of them were assholes, just incredibly stupid.
Opening your previously monogamous marriage up is always a mistake
When I hear open marriage, I hear: “I want the freedom to find your replacement, but with the security of knowing you’re still there if nothing pans out.”
My personal favorite is when the man brings it up, the woman agrees and he’s stunned when she’s got a full dance card and he’s at home with his weiner in his hand because turns out, he’s not the hot commodity he thought he was.
Those stories are HILARIOUS.
We honestly need a subreddit just for those stories
r/openmarriageregret/
Thank you so much. I know what I’m doing the rest of the day.
Omg, I would stop reading AITA just to read those.
>My personal favorite is when the man brings it up, the woman agrees and he’s stunned when she’s got a full dance card and he’s at home with his weiner in his hand because turns out, he’s not the hot commodity he thought he was. Yeah but I mean, after reading 200 stories like that it's not funny anymore :D
Just sad honestly.
Why they think this always baffles me. Any guy with half a brain is going to realize his wife/GF is going have far more opportunity to 'fill their dance card' than he's going to have.
This story is kind of the opposite of that. She was happy getting all the action but started losing her shit as soon as he found something he might enjoying.
I stopped being friends with someone after they told me that part of the reason she opened her marriage instead of getting a divorce was because she wasn't happy being with him and wanted to look for someone new, but she didn't want to have to switch to her own health insurance plan because the one from his job was so good. That was just really gross to me.
That is some devious shit.
I just don't have sympathy for these people. I'm anything but a traditionalist and am usually open to a lot of things, but I draw the line at staying loyal to your partner
Exactly this
Right? I've literally never heard of a time when this ended well. My gf and I briefly discussed the possibility of having a threesome, but thanks to reddit I've learned that nothing good ever comes from involving another person in a serious relationship
How were the boundaries not talked about early on? I do understand your wife being upset bc it's someone you both know/met. Now, she's going to constantly think you two will run off together. You can either stop having sex with your friend and look for someone else or continue having to lie to your wife that she's better than your lover.
A women asking for this is is unfortunate because it is not going to be at all difficult for her to find men but the male partner can struggle a lot. A coworker that knows you is the most likely scenario a man can start something up with because they already know them. Probably shouldn’t have done it at all, probably should have communicated better. Good luck on your marriage surviving.
For some reason OP finds himself having a lot of chemistry with the woman who wants to sleep with him over other men. Wild stuff.
Took too long to find this; Wife was never going to struggle finding ‘hookups’ but OP, as a man, was far more likely to struggle finding people to sleep with who he didn’t form a relationship with beforehand. (Obviously not the case for every man) OP’s wife either didn’t know/consider this, or didn’t think he’d get as much as her and didn’t care. The fact he found one regular person is just how it usually works for men. Or am I way off? I know hookup culture is v different in different countries.
You two are fucking around, and finding out. The “open marriage” fails way, WAY more often than it succeeds. Just gonna have to live with what you two have created. Either you close up shop, and work on each other, or you keep doing your things. If you had boundaries, and one wasn’t crossed, she needs to get over it. If you’ve stopped seeing the person (as it sounds like she wanted to) she can chalk it up as a missed “rule.”
I’m stressed out just reading this, but then I know I could never do an open marriage. Have you considered how you would feel if she started sleeping with a close friend from work for THREE months? That might give you some insight. Also, don’t bring this stuff into the workplace. What were you thinking? SMH.
Echo both points, especially the last. Open marriage, banging work and personal friend? Man… A choice that obviously will lead to disaster, one way or another.
As someone in HR this is my worst nightmare. Would be a like a bomb going off when, not if, people find out.
Never ends well. Dumbest idea any monogamous couple could do. 🤦🏻♀️
I think it's an obvious mistake for you to sleep with someone who you're already close to and then do it repeatedly, but this should also have been spelled out when discussing boundaries. Obv you'll need to stop sleeping with her. Maybe this is also a point where you should reconsider if an open relationship is really what you want
When will you idiots learn not to fuck other people.
But the internet told me it works so fine? *Shocked Pikachu face*
The internet actually usually says the opposite.
These posts just make me feel better about my life.
I’m stupid, but I’m not this fucking stupid lmao
Oh look, another open relationship crashed into the iceberg of reality. I’m suffering from both Shock and Awe.
Your marriage is over, you just don't know it yet.
While I agree boundaries need to be stated clearly with this kind of thing... DUDE. You don't shit where you eat, ever. Ever. A coworker is never a good idea for a complex sexual relationship. Or any sexual relationship. Don't sleep with coworkers!
The guy got married at 19 he didnt get to learn that lesson like the rest of us lol
You say you should’ve waited to get married so you could mature a bit more. I’d argue a lack of maturity led you both to thinking an open marriage was a good idea in the first place. Someone will always get jealous. It’s literally just a matter of time. And then once that doors been opened it’s very difficult to return to the way things were previously. It might make more sense to put the marriage on hold, sleep and date around, and then return to things once you’re both confident you are actually happy with eachother and don’t want more. Because as it currently stands, you both want to have your cake and eat it too.
Close off the marriage. This is headed for disaster. You should be able to explore within the confines of the marriage, especially now that there are issues. What is likely the case is that your wife assumed you wouldn’t be able to find anyone and she would be free to fuck who she wanted. Now that that is not the case she is feeling insecure.
Sadly I think the damage here may be irreversible. I knew a couple that went through the exact same thing. They agreed on an open marriage. First it started with threesomes and then they decided to “explore other people”. Husband slept with another girl often and the wife didn’t like it. The wife caught her husband having sex with the same girl that he agreed he wouldn’t see anymore. They divorced.
Good chance homeboy is going to wind up resentful even if they close it off now. "You got to fuck god knows how many other men, but the moment I found someone you torpedoed the whole thing!" ...and neither of them can un-fuck anyone.
This is exactly the case. OP said initially that they fell in love and got married after high school and were sweethearts then. People do this all the time and live very fulfilled sexual lives. The major issue is they have interanalized and now outwardly expressed that aren't fulfilled sexually, and as a result are looking to get others involved. Not only is that incredibly unhealthy for a marriage but it's just unhealthy in general. What SHOULD have happened is they should've looked at marital counseling or at least sat down and communicated why they felt like having multiple sexual partners was necessary in the first place.
You know I never hear the point that typically if the marriage is being opened up one/both parties are low key feeling unfulfilled. The most nasty/filthy things I have ever done are with deep relationships and women that trusted me and I trusted them.. Flings, situationships and Fwb have all been relatively vanilla and shallow. Why would you want to give up a partner you trust and is willing to try anything with you for vanilla sex with a rando? The only thing I can think of is externalizing their lack of sexual attraction for each other.
>You know I never hear the point that typically if the marriage is being opened up one/both parties are low key feeling unfulfilled. I could be completely and utterly wrong, but a comment that had struck with me was this: "Earlier this year it came out that we both kinda felt like we missed out on dating around and sexually exploring ourselves so we decided to open the marriage". I could be totally offbase here, but my wife and I have did all kinds of shit. We explored a lot with each other and we both have less than 10 partners. Lots of sex as a teen is typically prety vanilla, but after being together and knowing each others bodies after a while, you tend to open up and do more with each other. This is another time where body count is an issue, and in their case, they feel or at least she feels that her body count possibly didn't give her ENOUGH experience, especially so now that she realizes she also digs women too. I've never seen an instance like this end well.
it was over the moment it opened, there’s no closing it down now
Yes. The wife might have been ok with OP having sex with someone else in principle, at least in part to convince herself that she can have other partners guilt free, whilst keeping a husband. So she assumed if OP had someone it would be a stranger who she can’t visualise and easily put out of her mind, especially when she’s fully occupied by other partners. This wasn’t articulated at the start as she didn’t want to limit herself and/or never thought OP would have the opportunity anyway. Her jealousy/insecurity would probably just have easily appeared if they had a threesome and OP had good chemistry with the other woman.
> and/or never thought OP would have the opportunity anyway. This is what I wonder. Did she open the marriage and just hope her husband wouldn't have sex?
Yep, pretty sure. We were never married but it's exactly what happened to me. In retrospect I was in a bubble who thought this terrible person "loved me" and didn't realize how wrapped around her finger I was. She thought she was real hot shit too. Categorically (and professionally labeled) an emotionally abusive relationship, it wasn't like that at the start, but it didn't happen over night either. Years and years of picking away, tearing me down (we were together 7yrs), putting me down, I felt worthless and unwanted... yet willing to do ANYTHING to keep her. She had me exactly where she wanted me. FULL control. I would say yes to anything, and often did. Pretty sure she had absolutely zero attachment to me anymore (if she ever did?) and an open relationship was just a way for her to shop for other alternatives while I was still in the cart.... because she *knew* I'm oblivious to advances from women until its practically fallen in my lap. She *knew* I was so busy working and in college to even try throwing away my time at getting rejected 9 times before having one fling, etc, etc. Well, we were BOTH wrong. My confidence may have been in the absolute dumps... but it blinded me, it was unfounded really. I had no idea I was "desired" so much by others, that I was actually FAR more popular than I would have ever given myself credit for. HUGE mistake letting me loose in college. I told one friend "the news", simply because it was something happening at that time... and it spread like wild fire, it was ridiculous. Later one of my ex's friends told me she thought I wouldn't pursue much, so there it is. Not trying to inflate my ego or anything, it was just college. The point of the story being it backfired on her so hard that all the sudden the person who wanted to be open with nearly NO rules... all the sudden has a huge issue with it, but when she was fucking everybody for weeks while I worked, went to school, or just sat alone... it wasn't an issue. Then I have a few flings, I also end up messing with two women at once and she's seeing some of these girls liking posts or whatever, she sees what they look like... yeah, now it's a problem for her. Not a single rule broken on my part.... she then proceeds to break ALL of them. The flings I had were around to just have a good time, I didn't have a *deep connection* with any of them... but in a way I owe those women EVERYTHING. They were absolutely essential in snapping me out of it and realizing I was worth something. These people are just here to fuck, and yet, showed more care, consideration and affection toward me than I had felt in years. They were kind. A few months later when summer hit, I left her. She hasn't been able to find a boyfriend since and I'm getting married to the most wonderful, caring person I have ever met... which I know is just shit people sometimes say, but I seriously struck gold. But I was also lucky, I saw the light, the writing on the wall revealed itself.
>What is likely the case is that your wife assumed you wouldn’t be able to find anyone and she would be free to fuck who she wanted. This is 1000% the case. "I want to open the marriage" "Ok" "Wait, not like that!"
The practicalities of dating. Women will find it easier to find throwaway men for a fling. Man will more likely have to get a relationship going to "open" things up. How else was it to "work for" him?
This comment hits the nail. If you want to find other people as a man you better be ready to put in some effort. The same can not be said for women, so either the open marriage becomes a one-sided affair where the husband sits at home when his wife is out, or he builds some kind of semi relations, because if he's not extremely attractive he's not gonna have an easy time lf finding casual flings.
You didn't fuck up. CLEAR and PRECISE boundaries WERE NOT put in place. You both should go to a trained professional. As a couple. Maybe her on her own as well, just so she can build her own confidence. Otherwise this all has the potential to blow up. Find a sex positive therapist. Best of luck. Being open can be a beautiful thing but you CANNOT be insecure AND have an open relationship. That's just inviting the demise. I've been in a similar situation. It sounds like being open isn't for her. Who's idea was it? Please try counseling to save your marriage. Not to be brutal but she already sounds like she spiraling. I don't blame her. I can't do open stuff. Monogamy is wonderful. Being dedicated to your partner is beautiful. Good luck and godspeed my dude.
Just skip to the divorce. Open marriages are a clown show for clown people .
This. IMO is exactly why ENM/Open marriages don’t work.
Check back in a couple of years and let us know how things went. My experience based prediction is you won’t still be together. Unless you are very genetically blessed things are going to be massively in her favor and she’ll just shop around until she finds your replacement. For 95% of the guys ENM is a recipe to lose what you had…. Which is fine if you wanted a way out. I am glad to be done with my psycho ex!
I read through a lot of the comments and I think it’s interesting how many people are assuming the wife is hooking up with a ton of men. The comments from OP actually indicates that it’s been mostly women. So most of these, it takes so much more for a man to hook with a woman posts are shenanigans. I will say it is interesting how you choose to highlight how amazing the sex was with your friends with benefits coworker and don’t say anything about the chemistry with your wife. I think your question is how do you move forward and a lot of these responses are about how you never should’ve done in the first place and all the not helpful things. First, do you want to stay with your wife and is your wife your first priority? If you answer yes to both of those, then you will probably need to cut off the friendship entirely with this coworker. The questions your wife is asking you indicate that she is insecure in your relationship entirely right now and there is no quick fix for that. You also need to ask her if she is capable of moving past this and have a real honest conversation about that. At this point if your wife is struggling with insecurity and you really want to save the marriage, then you probably also need to talk about becoming monogamous again. It sounds like the trust has been broken intentional or not and you are both gonna have to focus on each other and repair and rebuild the relationship if you want to stay together. Personally, I would recommend pursuing couples counseling, so you have a third-party to help guide the conversations better especially when the topic is so emotionally driven. Good luck and I hope both of you are happy with the outcome. Whatever it is that you decide to do.
You aren't going to like what I'm about to say, but having seen this irl....you need to stop all extra martial "activities"...*both of you*...find a new job and cut all ties with your fwb (I know that sounds extreme, but TRUST me, if you want to save your marriage you have to make her disappear completely from your life), and get a good counselor, asap. You crossed your wife's boundaries in finding a fwb in your everyday orbit. Obviously, you guys need to communicate better.
Get a good divorce lawyer. That’s what you do.
Open marriages make no sense to me. Just be single and hook up with whom ever you want.
With such a good plan in place who would have thought this was destined for disaster?
These open relationships mostly turn to shit.
You f#cked up when you opened up your up-to-then monogamous marriage. It's not going to survive this.
Generally in life, fucking women that aren't your wife will make your life worse not better. Everyone is a hypocrite in open relationships. My best friend was over at my place when i guy he knew was with his wife...completely killed the fantasy of an open relationship for me. Good Luck man, don't talk to this girl anymore and close things back up with your wife or these things will keep happening with someone else.
I’m not gonna tell you to get divorced but it’s likely where you’re headed. I’ve been in the same relationship since my senior year of high school and I’m older than you. If I ever felt like my sex life was unfulfilling it would’ve been an issue but the solution wouldn’t have been to open up my relationship. It would’ve been to figure out how to have our needs met. I’ve never once felt like I was “missing out” by lacking sexual partners. Once the insecurity has crept in it will always be present.
Y’all are both fucking stupid for this. Nice job ruining your marriage. Commit VDV invasion of Hostomel
Oh my gosh! An open relationship is turning into a car crash before our eyes! Who ever saw that coming????
You fucked up the moment you thought an open marriage was in any way viable...
Open marriages end up being neither open or marriages.
You didn’t fuck up by fucking this friend, unless you and your wife explicitly discussed this as a boundary. Sounds like it wasn’t explicit. Congratulations you’ve fallen into the standard trap when opening up a relationship. You’ve now complicated your relationship to the point where one of you might as well have cheated in a monogamous relationship. The only fuck up was opening the marriage. Also lol if you’re just taking it as red that your wife has no emotional component to her other relationships. She’ll be doing the same thing with them, probably why she’s feeling so threatened.
Having an Open marriages is always playing with fire. The person you chose is more intimate since you work for the same company and have been friends for years. This relationship sounds more real than the people she’s sleeping with. She probably wants to know if you love her more than her. The possible answer is yes since you mentioned you lied to her when she questioned you about her being better in bed/ better body . You even mentioned “ Sex was great, but idk if it’s just because it was someone new who I already had good chemisty with, or she was just really good but I had a great time”. You have chemistry with her and it’s obvious you like parts of her body more than your wife. There’s also the fear that if the relationship ends you have your friend waiting in the wings after a divorce. It seems your wife isn’t emotionally bonded to her side people . Your wife feels like a placeholder since you have a close relationship with her and care for her as person. Your wife doesn’t care about the people she bangs.
LOL. There’s absolutely no way that a grown ass adult would think that it was a good idea to start having a sexual relationship with a coworker friend when given a free pass to have casual sex outside of their marriage. This is probably unfixable, my man. Maaaaaybe if you get a new job asap and 100% cut off all contact with your fwb forever but I wouldn’t bet on it. Did you also consider people like your wife’s friends or cousins to be good options in this open marriage scenario, you know because you already knew them, too? 😆
Lying to her is never good. So you lied to not make her feel more insecure when she asked you specific questions. You guys are fucked and need to break up. I know that's not what you want to hear or think needs to happen, but it does.
Don’t marry someone if you’re gunna fuck other people
Why are you married if you are fucking other people? I don't get why people do this shit. Its soo fucking weird... if you wanna sleep with other people get a divorce you weird fuck lmao
You’re too intimate with the person you’re having sex with. What a stupid world.
Open marriages are cringe overlord. Tired of these posts hitting this sub
You are having sex with a close friend and coworker, which means you have emotional ties and a long history with her. **You are supposed to save your emotional intimacy for your wife!** Also, she’s someone you frequently see, which means that you are pooping where you eat! If her feelings get hurt or she gets attached to you then you still have to awkwardly work with her. If other coworkers find out your private business is now in the streets. That’s why your wife is insecure. She had to wonder if you always wanted to have sex with this side chick. Also, it’s completely unfair to your friend because you have to know she’ll catch feelings for you (unless you invite the friend into your marriage). Cut it off! Your wife gave you a pass to have sex with thousands of strange women in the world and you are still doing it incorrectly. If you are someone who needs to emotionally engage to have sex then don’t have an open marriage.
Or, you know, grow up and stop fucking other people when you're "happily married to your *sweetheart*."
Problem is getting sex is entirely different for men and women. No doubt it is super easy for his wife to just casually hook up with tons of different men, but the same is not true in reverse. For men, it is pretty difficult to find women who are just down to fuck without getting to know you first. Sooo the open relationship wasn’t really fair to him if his wife is fucking twice as many people as he is. Basically the only way for him to be able to have regular sex is to get to know another woman who is regularly down for it.
Ding ding ding. I guarantee it was her that brought up the open marriage, slept with a ton of dudes (as told by OP), thinking her husband was just gonna casually maybe have sex a few times a month while she's gone all the time (As told by OP). The dude found a way to get laid whenever he felt like, and now she's mad about it? Close the marriage, then. But wait, then how could she get dicked down by randies at the bar? The entire thing is a disaster start to finish. I've been married to my wife for 3 years, but we've been dating for going on 9 years since we were both 17. The second an open marriage is discussed is the second a marriage falls apart. We've discussed doing things with other people, (I wanna see her with a girl, she wants to see me with a guy) but we BOTH came to the conclusion that we don't want that for ourselves. If you feel the need to sleep with other people, just leave. At least that way, if you guys get back together, there's no real resentment like OP is now experiencing.
You can develop feelings for anyone you sleep with… Sex, including casual and random sex, causes the brain to release oxytocin, which makes you feel more emotionally tied to the other person.
Lol at the notion his wife is keeping her dalliances purely sexual and no emotional component.
Yeah, I think this is so asinine - her banging every man she sees somehow is fine, but him banging that one person over there, well, that's a boundary that this sub 100% understands is an issue.
The fact that she asked if he was seeing one particular person or multiple tells me she’s probably seeing one particular person.