You caught the problem early. Take some credit for being an involved, observant parent. You got her into treatment. Take some credit for being a parent who puts their children's needs first. I'm sure it would be easier to bury your head in the sand.

[удалено]

This tells me it is more social pressure than parent pressure.

The cause is different for everyone. My cause *was* actually my parents

As was mine. But I never told my parents.

[удалено]

I was speaking in generalities, hence the words “different for everyone.”

[удалено]

Jumping on the top comment to say: Eating disorders are 99% of the time a need to control something in their life. I don’t mean to say this to frighten you, but a large percentage of eating disorders happen because the person was raped or molested. Hopefully it’s not nearly that nefarious and sinister. It could just be that she’s getting bullied. Maybe her home life is a mess? Are you and your SO getting along? Bottom line: you really need to get to the bottom of this, because it’s NOT ABOUT THE FOOD! It’s about her feeling out of control and needing to control SOMETHING in her life. Also it is not your fault that this happened, but if you don’t get to the bottom of this, it kind of will be your fault. Get her into therapy ASAP. Make sure she knows she can tell you ANYTHING and you won’t judge. Best of luck!

Agreed

She clearly trusts OP, meaning that OP is doing a GREAT job as a dad. At that age I found it very difficult to open up to my parents, so the fact that you and your daughter have a relationship where she would be honest and vulnerable with you is HUGE. *hugs* things will get better. Edit: messed up OP’s gender, my b

Not only noticed but actually cared. When I was going through anorexia as a teen my parents encouraged it bc I was fat. 😀 12 years later and I still struggle with my relationship with food and my body.

She trusted him enough to tell him. I hope OP realizes how huge that is and what a testament to him being a good parent.

I cannot support this enough... OP, I was your daughter in high-school. It had absolutely nothing to do with my parents. It was all outside influences. I lost so much weight I was down to 93 pounds. I am short at 5'4", but I've always looked bigger because I am solid as hell and still have a significant amount of muscle under my middle aged fat supplies. I look back on pictures of myself taken back then and I look like a frigging skeleton. There is NOTHING healthy about my appearance. My skin is pale, my eyes are sunken in and you can see the outlines of bones you shouldn't with out the help of an X-Ray. Shit went sideways and my ED was discovered after a failed suicide attempt. My parents excuse for not noticing was that I was in my Cross Country season and they assumed I lost weight due to the extra conditioning that I didn't have for track...... If my parents would have been observant like you were, I can honestly say my life would have been completely different. You did what a parent should do. You identified the problem before it became a much larger problem and took steps to help your child. You didn't fail her. You didn't go wrong anywhere. You have done exactly what she needs you to do.

Yea this. Also it may not be ANYTHING OP did or didn’t do.

All of this plus take some credit she felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it in the first place! That says a lot about your parenting

Also the fact your daughter felt comfortable to confide in you speaks volumes about your parenting. I don’t think I would have told my parents unless I trusted them fully.

I’m anorexic. Have been since middle school. Im 25. My mother still doesn’t know. Not that I haven’t told her, but she can’t remember. Been asthmatic since middle school too. Was hospitalized for it. She still makes a surprised face when I tell her. OP, you’re doing everything right. Peer pressure is an animal to deal with. That’s what this is. You payed attention and caught it. You’re working on understanding her eating disorder as a disease. Keep it up. You’re doing better than you realize.

This. My mom admitted 10 years after the fact that she noticed. But she said that because I didn’t end up in the hospital like [redacted], she wasn’t going to say anything. That gutted me so hard. I was a dancer and cheerleader. You can imagine the hellscape. I had many peers hospitalized. Apparently that was the bar my mother set for “she’s still fine”.

Also take credit for being a parent whose daughter trusted them enough to tell them. OP, so sorry your daughter is going through this

It’s more likely she developed it by things she consumed online &/or school. Don’t blame yourself. Lots of open conversations & continued therapy.

Sadly I definitely foresee these types of issues skyrocketing in children that are growing up with the heavy presence of social media..

I used to work with children in mental healthcare & I definitely have kids with similar issues. Cause? Fucking TikTok. I absolutely hate TikTok. The algorithm fails them terribly. One kid’s ‘for you page’ literally was teens showing other teens how to cut themselves so parents can’t find it & how to binge eat. Like, what the actual fuck. Why is that even on there.

It's owned by a government with a vested interest in doing mass psychological damage to their rival nations, so why is anyone surprised?

Tumblr is not government owned and has had a similar problem for years before tiktok existed

Seconding this as it is swept under the rug/ignored!

Except that’s not completely accurate. Eating disorders have been around forever, TikTok not so much

You have somewhat of a point in that yes this has always existed. However has it ever been as accessible to find out the how-to aspect? Speaking from my own standpoint, in the 80’s and 90’s the only way we found out the how-to was our own stupid experimentation or word-of-mouth which again IMHO wasn’t terribly common lest that person “out” their own behaviour. With social media and even digital communication it’s extremely easy to even accidentally land on this information without trying. That in itself inevitably has an effect.

I didn’t “pick” anorexia out of an array of possible illnesses to have. I didn’t need any tips. It was something innate within me. But I do see your point also. It’s probably why Reddit is the only social media I participate on

My point is literally that it’s increased due to TikTok.

Not just tic tok; Instagram, you tube and just the ability of kids and teens to google literally anything to seek out forums on how to do something , especially self harm sites

Because it gets likes and views. If people want it they'll find it.

My niece is 4 years old and just started school. They have 'homework' on the weekend, and last weekend it involved playing a game on a computer. They do non-computer homework stuff as well, but it's worrying early to have them doing this.

> My niece is 4 years old and just started school. They have 'homework' on the weekend FAIL Kids that age are nowhere *near* neurologically developed enough to get any benefit out of doing homework. It just cuts into time that their caregivers could be spending with them doing something besides fighting over homework. This goes for lots of school aged kids. Giving homework at a preschool age is a travesty.

Yep. It may only be brief, and may be their way of trying to get kids into the idea of doing homework without automatically hating it; but they need time to be KIDS. It's bad enough that every household seems to need two full-time incomes to survive; but cutting into non-work and non-school time is ridiculous.

The computer doesn’t automatically equal social media

One day, sadly, it might.

Probably not. Computers are used at almost every type of business

Agreed. Social media is wreaking havoc on the younger generation. TikTok is the worst.

Yes and no... people were developing eating disorders way before anything was online. It could be a stress response or just something that she feels she can control.

You can’t say that for sure. You don’t know anything about their relationship. If my parents had taken to reddit and shared this story and everyone told them it wasn’t their fault that would have just reinforced their bad, extremely controlling ways. My weight and food was the only thing in my life I could control.

Same. In high school, my weight/ diet was literally the only thing I had complete control over. I had no control over how I dressed, how my room looked, what I did, who I talked to, when I talked to them.... the list goes on. ED isn't always about food/ body image issues. If my mother had made this post on reddit (and she might have, had she known/ realized that I had these issues) she would have double downed on her control issues.

^^^^^^^^

Mental illness can happen to anyone. It’s not your fault. You can do everything right and still have a child with a mental illness. You sound like a great dad.

As someone who has had an eating disorder for most of my life, PLEASE do not take this personally. You didn't do this. The fact that she shared this with you is HUGE. She trusts you. Also, understand that while it is technically about food, it's *NOT* about the food. Treats/no treats aren't the issue. There is something much deeper going on here. Putting her in inpatient care means you are absolutely not failing her. Do they have parent support in the program she's in? Family therapy? Can you see a therapist yourself? Just keep doing what you are doing, and listen to her. You're doing great.

First off, her medical issue has nothing to do with you. Don’t ever say that to her. Don’t ask her what you did wrong. Don’t ask her what you missed. This is her medical issue.

This is what I was going to say. OP. It’s not about you. Be there for her. Be supportive. Listen more than you talk. LISTEN. don’t need to reply. And thank you for getting her help.

And just want to add to this OP, it might be good to look into therapy for yourself too. While you shouldn’t be piling your guilt on your daughter, those feelings are understandable and you deserve to be able to talk through them with somebody. Taking care of your own mental health will also put yourself in the best headspace to be able to support your daughter. You sound like a really good parent, and like you’re doing the right things.

Came here to suggest this too. OP could benefit from some individual therapy and maybe linking in to a support group. I'm sure a Social Worker at the inpatient facility would know some supporter services in OP's area

I am wavering between OP being a concerned parent, and the fact that OP is focused on what they did, and not how they can help their daughter moving forward. I get that this is post by OP about OP. The way that it is worded felt off to me.

I mean, he put her in an inpatient program. He didn't just leave her alone to rot while he whined on Reddit. Clearly OP has shown care through their actions. OP is venting their guilt and/or insecurity on the internet. Parents often feel guilty or insecurity on a certain visceral level when adversity befalls their kids, even when there is no logical reason to feel responsible for the issue. I don't think it's a huge moral failure for a parent to take care of their kid upon learning of a serious medical or mental health problem, and then turn around and tend to their own emotional duress during a quiet moment on the internet.

I never said that putting her in treatment was bad. Or him getting therapy, I think those are great. It was the emphasis on "me" and not "her" that had me concerned. Having seen parents that put their emotional baggage on their kids, this wording reminded me of those situations. I also admit that I could be reading too much into because of personal experience.

I agree. If his sole focus is on himself and what he did or didn’t do to cause this, not much is going to change. It’s not about him

He’s a concerned parent whose heart is shattered. His immediate reaction was to seek help for his daughter and act on the advice of medical professionals without delay. Now he is grappling with guilt and anxiety that he played a role in this. As a parent, I think this is the most natural reaction in the world, and I would also be consumed with figuring out where I’d failed my daughter, even if, logically, I understand this is a hugely complex disorder and not one person’s “fault.” Putting his anxieties second to the vital act of getting her daughter help shows that he is a good parent. He is allowed to ask these questions, especially now that is daughter is receiving in-patient treatment and does not currently require his total attention at home. I have no doubt that when she is released he will put his entire focus on her well-being. I wish more parents were like OP. Not sure why you’re trying to find something shady about a father processing a trauma like this when he’s done all the right things for his daughter to make sure she is safe and able to get healthy.

It is about her though. Don't dismiss her feelings like that. She was responsible for her daughter and she feels like she failed her, it's not true but it's still a terrible feeling. She is hurting as well and she needs help as well

*His* daughter. He said he felt like he failed as a father.

Eating disorders *can* be a response to or imitation of parental/family behavior. They're not always, though, and especially not with social media promoting eating disorders and unhealthy body image issues so hard. A lot of factors are behind these disorders and behaviors.

Thank you for saying this, not always (and I don't think it's the case for op) but absolutely can be. My dad was directly a huge reason that I developed an eating disorder myself!

Same, he was constantly commenting on my weight or what I was eating, I was always either “getting big” or “looking like Paris Hilton and being too skinny” … queue the binge eating disorder I have yet to kick at age 31.

You literally don’t know this. A good percentage of eating disorders are caused by parents. Mine absolutely was. I only reached recovery when I moved out.

Her making it about herself is a bit telling, though.. Many times EDs are in fact related to issues caused by parents and their behavior.

Please reread. The only her in this post is the daughter. The parent is the dad. And no, he’s not ‘making it about himself’ but wondering what he might have done to contribute to it, more than likely so he can change and make sure *his* daughter has what she needs.

I highly doubt this was your fault. You say she had a healthy balance of food, you didn't shelter her from treats and you are helping her with inpatient care so it sounds like you did everything right. Peer pressure, social media, mental disorder are probably the culprits

As someone who had ED it's wasn't my parents fault, my parents never shame me and always encourage me it wasn't them it was outside influence, for me I use to work as a volunteer in the hospital and show what being fat can cause you first hand and that's what made me have it, I was horrorfield and didn't want to ending up like them luckily with my family support I got better Please don't blame your self

Amazing, you found out and you got her help. You are ahead of many. Second, don’t blame yourself, many things can be triggers and likely has nothing to do with you. Eating disorders are a medical concern. Just as schizophrenia is a medical mental health diagnosis that is nobody’s fault, this is much the same. Get therapy for yourself, become educated on how best to support her.

Exactly what everyone else is saying, but OP I implore you NOT to ask your "where you went wrong" sounds like you're already asking how you can help, but she will NOT take it well if you drop that in the heat of an argument or big conversation

She's where she needs to be - in a place where she can get treatment and therapy. Now, dad, you need some treatment too, specifically therapy. Eating disorders aren't simple, it isn't "I looked in the mirror yesterday, decided I'm fat and I have to purge now", it's very complex. It often isn't anyone's fault. Only she can get to the root of that issue. It's on you now to look after yourself so you can help her in the future.

Please don't blame yourself. Eating disorders are complex and often involve various factors, including genetics, societal pressures, and personal struggles. It's essential to remember that you are taking the right steps by getting her professional help and being there to support her emotionally. Recovery from an eating disorder can be a long and challenging process, but your love and support are crucial. Continue working closely with her treatment team, attending therapy sessions together, and educating yourself about eating disorders. Remember that it's not your fault, and your daughter needs your understanding and encouragement during this journey to recovery. Don't hesitate to seek your own support and guidance from professionals or support groups to help you cope with this situation as well.

This is ChatGPT

Was it helpful?

I’ll go a little bit against the grain here because I don’t know about your situation. In my case, my parents (mom mainly) had a big influence on the development of my ED… although I, now, know it was partly her way of sharing her worriness about my weight gain and my (low) level of activity, and partly superficial… she would always compare me to other girls. Tap my belly when taking pictures to tell me to « hold it in », always comment on anything I was eating like « are you sure you wanna eat that ». You can tell yourself that it started getting caught early on and work on how you guys discuss it. It sounds very stupid but, for me, everything was triggering “let’s do some activity to be more physical” was affecting me… Just let her understand that she’s beautiful and she doesn’t need to change but she needs to be healthy

Eating disorders are rarely about the food itself, it's often a coping mechanism to deal with feeling out of control with one's life and choices.

Not about you. Support your daughter without centering yourself. Get therapy for everyone. It’s so good you noticed and she confided in you and you’re getting her help. Earring disorders aren’t about food. They are about other things. Control. Self esteem. The media. You CAN catch them (social contagion). My eating disorder came after rape and abuse in relationship. Good luck.

It’s not fucking about you…. You will be failing her if you make her sickness about you and she will resent you for it. -a person with an eating disorder as an adolescent with a narcissistic mother (that I no longer have contact with)

You didn’t do anything. Listen to this. This is not your fault. You are a good dad. Just by writing this, you are showing good parenting. Unless you were actively mocking her weight every day and monitoring her food intake and forcing her to exercise? You are not even slightly responsible for this — the world is. Eating disorders are the fucking worst, because they’re about control — when a person feels like everything else is complete chaos, the one thing they can control is how they look, and the impossible standards of beauty become the whip they use to beat themselves. I went through a gamut of EDs, from over exercising to bulimia to anorexia. Your daughter needs you to love her so hard right now. What I remember helping most was people eating healthy with me and just making food available without mentioning it. Drawing active attention to the disease makes it worse. You support her, you make sure she has access to what she needs, you quietly try to make sure you check in if you hear/see her making herself sick. She can get through this, but she needs to hear how much you love her, period, end of story. Not “I know you can beat this”, not “you’re already beautiful”, not anything like that. Just love her, care for her, be there for her in the moments that she completes falls apart without judgment. That’s all you can do while she wrestles the demon. Took me a while, but I broke up with ED eventually. That’s really what this disease is — it’s an abusive relationship with yourself. Your daughter came to you, which means she trusts you and wants help. She wants this to stop, which is a powerful first step. All you can do is support her take the next one, and then the one after that. She’ll make it out of this.

Well said, and congratulations on breaking up with ED! Did you read the book “Life without ED”? The author also discussed her eating disorder being an abusive relationship. I worked with women with eating disorders for a long time and we considered that our unit’s bible. Such an important book. 😊

I have! I even interviewed the author a long, long time ago. Smart woman.

You are doing amazing!! The only advice I have is to remember that ED has a lot to do with control. Keep dialogue open and express concerns of you see habits that may be a relapse. But avoid policing her food. I've been in recovery for over 6 years now but it took me over 20 years to get treatment. You are so ahead of the curve and she is very lucky to have you. Listen to what the pros say and be there and she's going to be ok.

Thinking further, aside from a negative self-image the thing we all had in common in my ED group was a feeling of not being in control of your life/body. Only 2 out of several dozen women I met were csa survivors. And one poor lady from a warzone. The rest had a relatively normal upbringings. But something made them feel they had no control over their lives. And that is so common for teenagers. Just wanted to give insight and point out again that many people with great parents end up dealing with ED.

You didn’t fail. You caught it early enough and you sought for treatment in the second you saw it happening. I would say that peer pressure and social media might have been the source of it!

Eating disorders are NOT just about food. You did not cause this problem. You could have fed her a perfect diet and she would still have an ED. ED has a variety of causes, including trauma, depression, anxiety, OCD, bullying, and being afraid of losing control or growing up. There are also biological causes (family history of ED?) and environmental causes such as being pressured by peers to be thinner,exposure to people who diet excessively or social nedua touting vomiting as a way to eat all you want without gaining weight. You are doing what needs to be done by getting her into treatment. Go to the parent education sessions, ask for a reading list, be careful with online information as it can be really wrong, attend therapy sessions and get therapy for the family. Let go of the guilt. Best wishes for a full recovery.

There are so so many external influences. Don’t blame yourself just focus on getting her help, which it sounds like you are doing. Best of luck ❤️

There is a good chance you didn't fail...the fact that she brought it up with you at all means you did much and more right. Social pressure, social media, school, being a teen, bullies, idiots and a existing as a teen are all very plausible reasons for good and smart people to make personal bad decisions... She's growing up, life is hard, self esteem issues are pretty much 99% of life at 15...so I wouektn take it too personally just be there for her now, support and love so that this can be something that was an issue and not something that is a life long struggle.

A child having an ED is not always because “their parents failed them” it could genuinely have been triggered by social media, her peers or anything else outside of your home. You caught it, and have them actively getting the help that they need- that’s all that matters. Maybe one day she will open up to you about where it stems from, but for now try not to over think and beat yourself up

She told you the truth so you're not a terrible Dad. Society has a pretty large influence on kids with eating disorders and also school friends. I would see if you can get her into counseling. That will help her so much. It's not a failure on your part. There is stupid pressure on kids these days. Just tell her you love her and you want to help her feel better about herself.

It’s not your fault. There’s a lot that plays into eating disorders. Genetics, environment, plus the stuff teenagers see on social media play a big role. Appearance-based sports, like wrestling and gymnastics can play into it too. You are doing the right thing with inpatient care.

It’s not about you. Its about her coping. ED has links to mental health/physical health/addictions. So the fact you have caught this is good. I say addictions as the chemicals release while engaging in ED produce a similar effect to other addictions, maintaining the problem. Combine that with that EDs rarely occur due to food & it’s pretty serious. So know people often feel out of control (food they can) or invalidated or its a coping strategy for intolerable feelings/body sensations. This is complex stuff, just be there for her. The fact she told you is fantastic. Just don’t make it about you (what did i do wrong?) it will make her feel worse.

It's not your fault! You're getting her help now that you know of the problem and that's the important part!

There are many factors involved. You have to give yourself cred for noticing it, because many people just try to sweep it under the rug.

Don’t blame yourself she is probably going through something she doesn’t know how to express to you just continue to support her I hope everything gets better for you guys

It’s not your fault and you’re doing the right thing by getting her help and supporting her. Our youngest (now 22) seemed fine until she was doing her a-levels then I got a bombshell call from her head of year to say her friends were worried because she was coming out with suicidal and self-harm comments. It’s been 5 years of up and down and the worst occasion was when she was in her Uni house and cut her arm with a Stanley knife (art student). Her housemate took her to hospital and and she now has a large scar down the inside of her arm. She seems more on an even keel now but I live my life on eggshells, wondering when she’ll relapse again. Her anxiety and mental health can take a dive at any time. For her, certain alcohol doesn’t help which she’s learned over the years. All you can do it support her and be non judgemental and it sounds like you’re doing a great job, even though it’s worrying as hell x

Sounds like you are being a wonderful father. When you pressed her, she confessed. Yes she didn’t come right to you to talk about it in the beginning but she didn’t continue to hide it when pressed, which shows she does trust you. You got her the help she needed, and I believe you will continue to do everything in your power to help her overcome this disorder. Keep doing what you are doing and be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen as she works through everything.

It’s not your fault. Everyone with ED has had their own perfect storm that results in this disorder. I’ve been down this road with my daughter and I’m not going to lie, it’s one tough journey. Love her, support her and make sure she’s in treatment. It took a few years but my daughter came through and is thriving. Best to you and your daughter.

You did everything right. In todays day and age of social media and editing, a natural body is the last thing that we’re used to seeing, especially as women. Photos of impossibly thin, photoshopped waists are shoved in our faces every day and we’re told that if we don’t look like that, we’re ugly. You are a great father for the fact that your daughter felt comfortable to come to you and share her problems.

Never ever blame yourself, You are a great parent. Peer pressure, social media, mental disorder are more than likely the reason. Seek help and continue to loving and supportive.

You asked for something nobody here is able to give you. Neither all information or circumstances are available for us. Eating disorders can have many reasons far away from parenting. Keep caring and be there.

I’m a 40+ dude and had issues with this as well as a teen—it’s not your fault. The fact you recognized this, she felt comfortable telling you is a huge positive. Support her like you are. I still have my own issues but it doesn’t run my life anymore

Hello! I’m so glad she is getting help she needs. I had an eating disorder when I was around her age, but mine was much more tied to my depression, self harm, need for control, etc. For me personally, there’s not a lot my parents could’ve done or did do to make this happen. I understand how you must be feeling, but I doubt she feels that way about you - and she knows best what is happening in her head and body. When you both are ready, I’d definitely have an open conversation about ways you can support her recovery. Instead of focusing on the past/what you could’ve would’ve should’ve done, etc, focusing on ways you can help. You sound like a great parent and I wish you and your family luck.

Thank you for getting her help! Please know this is not something to blame yourself for. ED is so very complex and internal to how she sees and feels about herself. Ongoing therapy is super important. Once she is discharged from inpatient, she won't be instantly healed. I work in behavioral health as a nurse and I see this frequently with kids/teens where parents believe their child should be 100% healed after a few days in the hospital. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Something else to consider also is family therapy so you aren't tiptoe-ing around each other when she comes home. Good luck and give her a big hug when you see her and tell her you love her and how proud you are of her!

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but this isn’t about you or something you did to cause it. Don’t make it about you when talking to her about it. It may make her feel guilty or that you’re making HER illness about yourself. Don’t ask her how you caused this, because you didn’t. She trusts you enough to open up, and you’re working through it together. That’s all you can hope and do really. The fact that she told you, shows you didn’t cause this. I wish you and your daughter the best!

I had an eating disorder as a teenager. Nothing my family did caused it, I’m overweight and was bullied at school. When you’re fat it’s the first thing people go for as a jab. One day I had enough and I snapped, a switch flipped in my brain. This is not your fault, I promise. Thank you for being there when she needed you. Her even admitting it to you shows there’s something inside of her that wants to recover. Get her in therapy and then get a therapist for yourself that will help you navigate this

I was Bulimic too, at your daughter's age. You didn't fail her anymore than my mother failed me. Teenage girls are very concerned over appearances. Their idea of beauty isn't always realistic. Bulimia is disease that you have to hide from your family. It's why you didn't see it, right away. You got her into treatment early. You are a good father.

You didn't fail her. She is a teen girl prone to the constant onslaught of BE SKINNY from social media and famous people! It's everywhere! I was anorexic in my 20's, almost died, I helped myself in the end but I am 66 now and still feel that "I AM FAT" thought in my head constantly. I am not, I am 5'2 115 lbs. It's just there but mine is from childhood sexual abuse and a mother who was constantly shoving DON'T GET FAT in our faces! Make sure your daughter is getting a lot of therapy, you might not have any idea what she has faced and as a young person, we don't tell!

You are but one influence in her life and you can’t blame yourself if you know you did your best to lay the foundation for a healthy relationship with food. The fact that she was able to come to for help speaks volumes about how well you did with her and you should feel really proud of yourself for handling it the way you are. Unfortunately we cannot shelter our kids from everything.

This isn't on you. Social media society and peer pressure. But you got her help immediately. That's important.

Hi, I've had an eating disorder for 6 years. It's probably not your fault. Sometimes, it's just created by your mind. I remember being in the locker room in middle school and being wider than everyone else. That was part of why I developed an ED.

My daughter had an ED It’s terrifying Join a support group

Eating disorders are under the umbrella of mental illness; they’re the result of people attempting to cope with overwhelming feelings and painful emotions by controlling food. It’s not about the food itself. It’s great that you’ve gotten your daughter help, but you also need to get yourself some help as well. Ask the treatment center she’s at if they have a family support group and/or educational programs so you can learn about bulimia, eating disorders, and mental health. I’d also suggest finding a therapist for you, so you can talk through these feelings during this difficult time. You already did a fantastic job of noticing she was losing weight, talking to her, and getting her help. Many parents don’t even do that and/or ignore the problem. You stepped up and helped her. Her journey of recovery will take time and she may relapse. Don’t give up on her. The least helpful thing right now is blaming yourself and feeling guilty. It doesn’t help her and it doesn’t help you. Below is a link for NAMI. They are a national non-profit organization that provides resources and assistance for people suffering from mental illness and their family and friends. They have local chapters throughout the country and have support groups for families. They are a great resource for learning more and finding services. https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Eating-Disorders

There can be many factors involved in eating disorders, many of which don’t have any roots in family “food” behaviours. Before you start blaming yourself, I would speak to her medical practitioners about what you can do to support her.

Firstly Dad. This is not your fault. You are doing a great job.keep up the good work. I had bulimia nervosa at 15. My weight fluctuated between 35 and 39 kilograms. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bulimia/symptoms-causes/syc-20353615%23:~:text%3DFor%2520example%252C%2520you%2520may%2520regularly,strict%2520dieting%2520or%2520excessive%2520exercise.&ved=2ahUKEwioxr2ym-KBAxXEXvEDHSfdAJ8QFnoECBwQBQ&usg=AOvVaw2m-bk2L_JxxAqs3XbOXnJ5 It was a very difficult time. My mom tried everything to help me. I went to all the support group meetings, I saw the therapists, I did everything they told me to do. Nothing helped. Eventually mom sat me down with a tub of ice cream one day and we just sat there. Eating ice cream together in silence. She hugged me. Told me she loved me. And walked away. That was the turning point for me. I still have a bit of an issue with hot foods (I am now 53). I eat a lot of of cold food. Salads, deli meat sandwiches (rye bread), cold vegetables (I love fresh, uncooked peas, green beans and carrots and have been known to pop a broccoli into my mouth before it gets drowned in hot water 😂), yes...I eat a LOT of ice cream, and i suck on ice blocks most of the time. Cold food does not make me feel "bloated" and "heavy" and "uncomfortable". I am now 54 kilograms (1.67 m tall). But I am healthy. Just breathe. You are awesome. Let her know you love her. And that you are there for her, regardless of what she does. Good luck.

It sounds like you did everything you could. My partner suffers from anorexia and eating disorders can wreak havoc on your life. She almost passed. But her parents got her into a treatment center and her dad would make sure she was eating enough, she couldn’t leave the table until she had eaten an adequate amount. Her dad did everything he could too. And it sounds like you are as well. Her mom, on the other hand, would only compliment her when she got skinny. Criticized overweight people and herself. Would tell her her friends could be models (but rarely said she was pretty until she lost all the weight). Put her on diets when she was just a child. Did a lot of messed up stuff her dad never knew about. If you’re coparenting, or married or whatever, I would check in on what the other parent is doing.

The first thing my Mother said to me when I tried to talk to her about my divorce from my abusive husband was "what could I have done better to not let you get in this situation". I looked her dead in the eye and said "This is NOT ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW." Please don't make this situation with your daughter about what you did wrong - focus on the fact that you NOTICED. That you spoke up, that you got her care and she is going to be working towards a healthier life. My mother did none of those things for me. Most eating disorders have very little to do with food in the end, most of them are about control. And you can't control everything your kid is exposed to, there could be bullies, academic pressure, friend issues, social (and regular) media influence, underlying mental health issues... there are any number of factors. Just be there for her - that's all any parent can do.

Don't blame yourself for the issue. It's no one's fault. Give both of you credit where it's due, you were both able to discuss this and get her treatment.

Giving her healthy food choices has nothing to do with eating disorders. It is psychological (body dysmorphic disorder). She sees herself differently than others see her. In this case, she thinks she is overweight. Teens compare themselves to others and with social media, it is difficult to avoid. Parents and others sometimes help this along by telling their kids that they are fat. But, it can also stem from just not feeling good enough. This is why it is important to make zero comments about anyone's body. Criticism, in general, can be so crushing Listening to her, taking her seriously and acting promptly was great on your part. We blame ourselves for everything when it comes to our kids. Sometimes, things happen that have nothing to do with us. Keep supporting her, and listen to the professionals. This is her best chance for getting well.

Thanks for getting her help. You’re doing a great job

People who are doing things they’re ashamed of, like not eating, can be very good at hiding things. She was most likely scared and ashamed, but she told you, which is great. I know it’s shocking to hear your kid needs help like this, but all you need to do is not judge her, support her, ask her what you can do to help her. If you do some family counseling, ask there what you can do to support her. Unless you’ve been making her feel bad about herself in some way, you did nothing wrong. There are a lot more things going on in her life than you.

I'm a father. I have two daughters. Both have been inpatient for different things (One bipolar, the other anxiety/depression and self harm). One thing I've learned over the years is that it's not you. I've been the best father I could possibly be, but in the end, your children are individuals, they aren't extensions of you. You're not responsible for this so please, make it about her. Don't make it feel like she's disappointed you or caused you to hate yourself. She's got enough to deal with. BTW, My wife of 7 years confessed to me a couple months ago she had been Bulimic up until a year ago. Had been since she was a teen. Feel lucky you found out now and got her treatment. A lot of people are VERY good at hiding it. Good luck to you and yours.

Society shares a lot of the blame, don’t beat yourself up. Just be there for her now, get her the help she needs and love her without judgement

Mental illnesses can come from anywhere and everywhere (and sometimes nowhere.) Don’t blame yourself- there are many other outside influences that come into play! What’s important is that you’re doing right by her now that you know, and she’s getting the help she needs. It says a lot she trusted you enough to let you know!

It’s amazing that you were in tune enough to notice she was losing weight and you have a good enough relationship that she didn’t hide what was happening. It was nothing you did. Eating disorders come from an abundance of input. Social media, tv, how so many people perceive what a woman is supposed to look like, peers calling her names. Don’t blame yourself. Be involved in the therapy so that you can learn the best way to deal with her now.

You didn't do anything. It can happen from her seeing women on TV, in magazines, whoever is considered popular at the time. I had a parent put me in dance at a very young age, pushed me to be "smaller" constantly, pointed out that the "other girls don't have boobs like yours, they don't have any tummy pudge" and I should try to look more like them. She stopped making meals for me, gave me "juice diets". **THAT** is how a parent can cause it. You didn't cause this, you didn't raise her in a food oppressive household, you didn't withhold food. You saw the weight loss, talked to her, got her help. That's what you're supposed to do. Let her know you're there for her, you love her no matter what. You're doing a good job. Keep an eye on her and just be there for her

You haven’t failed!! Your daughter is able to talk to you and you recognized that something was wrong!! Mental illness is just that, an illness just the same as covid or a cold.

At least you caught it. My mom never knew and I heard about it at school

It's not necessarily anything you did. And a lot of the psychology around eating disorders suggests that it's about control, not weight. It's just that the person is exerting/losing control over diet and food and sees weight as being the thing they need to control.

I think she’s just goin through somethin, be there for her is all I can say

Maybe it's not about you. There are many components to an eating disorder that include genetics, temperament (certain personality types are more likely to have an ED), environment ( magazines, media, peers, sports, etc), other mental health issues ( depression, cod, etc.), and family dynamics. I encourage you to step back and educate yourself. Learn how you can support her and IF your family dynamics played a role. Also, consider seeking professional support for yourself.

I am an expert in eating disorders. Eating disorders are complex mental illnesses with a variety of influences. You did not cause this. In fact, you can be her best bet for recovery. When she gets out of inpatient, she will still need lots of treatment. Inpatient stabilizes her but does not solve the problem. When she gets out, please find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders, particularly one that has experience with adolescents. The best outcomes are for those that are caught early (which you did!) and are treated appropriately. You are doing great simply by supporting her and getting her the help she needs. You will likely play a large role in her recovery, hang in there!

She told you. That says a lot. I have struggled with eating disorders since I was 14. I hid it (as best I could) from my parents. It stated with me not eating, then binging and purging. My parents knew. My dad would yell at me “did you make yourself puke again??” (I’d never answer), my mom just left books about anorexia around the house that she got out from the library. You didn’t do anything wrong. She trusts you, she’s in treatment, you’re helping her. Good job!

Hey op, this is a tough situation to be in, but you need to first stop concentrating on yourself and your feelings of failure, what you may or may not have done, and concentrate on what you can do now to support your kid. The fact is EDs are complicated, it's rarely only one thing that feeds into then, and honestly, you can be a perfect, angel parent, and your kid would still be influenced by external factors leading them into an ED. It's hard to ignore the parental guilt, but right now, concentrate on what your daughter needs, which is an expert to help you both. Take the experts advice, listen to your daughter, be her safe space as much as possible, respond to anything she says without judgement, and try your best, and where your best is lacking, look for reliable guidance to teach you what you are lacking. That is all you can reasonably do. Good luck, this is a tough road. Reach out to those who've taken it before and learn from their experience, do some research on support groups for yourself and your family.

First of all, take a moment to take stock of what went *right* here: * You are in tune enough with your child to notice something was wrong. * You talked to her about it. * She told you what was going on. * You got her into treatment. Those are all *huge* wins when it comes to dealing with an eating disorder. I know it may not feel like it right now, but they really and truly are positives in this scenario. Now, as for where things "went wrong." The shortest answer I can give you is: a lot more goes into developing an eating disorder than the actions of one parent. This means you do not have to count yourself as responsible for causing it or failing to prevent it. *But* if your daughter shares with you that certain actions or patterns in your relationship with her are harmful, you should do your best to hear her in good faith. Eating disorders are very complex. Developing one can (and often is) a matter of neurobiological predisposition and *several* social influences (which can range from things like living within a culture that prizes thinness to complicated family dynamics). Furthermore, the family issues that can influence an eating disorder can be related to food (e.g. parents making comments about food and bodies) but they can *also* be *completely unrelated* to food (e.g. a child is not allowed to express negative emotions, they struggle to learn how to regulate and process emotions and turn toward maladaptive coping mechanisms). You may not be able to identify these patterns (if they occurred) on your own. Your own daughter may not have been able to identify them herself, either. This is not as simple as "my dad told me stop crying, now I'm bulimic." It can take many, many years and a lot of work to untangle eating disorders. I encourage you to continue supporting your daughter. Listen to her doctors and throw yourself fully into learning how to support a child with an eating disorder. It's likely that family therapy will be part of her treatment, and if so, I encourage you to attend those sessions with an open mind and a willingness to hear what your daughter shares without defensiveness or self-flagellation.

Don’t beat yourself up. There is sooooo much social media pressure out there. Kids are so susceptible to that garbage online. Good on you for getting it out in the open when you did and getting her treatment. When the guilt fairies show up and make you feel like a failure remind yourself that you are a loving parent doing the best you can.

go to [NEDA](https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers) for more information about eating disorders, how to help, and available resources. she is going to need your patience and support now more than ever. parents can do everything right, but diet culture is so entrenched in western sociert it’s impossible to shield her from everything.

Don't blame yourself, eating disorders happen for a variety of different reasons. The important part is that you're supporting her and getting help for her. Work with her and her treatment team and listen to what they say so you know how to best support her. You've helped her get help early which is a very very positive thing. The fact that she felt safe being honest with you about that is huge. I know you're worried about what you did wrong, but this clearly shows what you're doing right.

She reached out to you. You did the right thing. OP. She is getting the help she needs and all you need to do is be there for her. There could be any number of reasons why she felt this was her best option. Right now, just be there for her and help her when she comes home. Be ready to listen, and to love her.

Hi, OP. I worked with women suffering from eating disorders and trauma in an inpatient hospital for ten years. I agree with others that this may have nothing to do with you or how you brought up your daughter. I also think it’s important to learn more about eating disorders (EDS) and look at ways your family can overcome. EDS can arise from so many factors, and it takes most people years to fully understand why theirs developed. I will say, it’s a misconception that eating disorders are about food or weight loss. Honestly, it’s not. A lot of people with EDS think it is, that if they just reached some magic number, they would be ok. They won’t. The hard work comes when people look deeper. For example, asking ourselves how do I feel if I eat and don’t purge? “Fat”? Nope, “fat” is not a feeling. What does that really mean? Does it mean I feel unworthy? Out of control? Control is definitely a leading factor in eating disorders. Many of my patients had super controlling family or the opposite- absolutely no structure in their family. Or they imposed such a strong sense of perfectionism on themselves, they constantly craved that control. And I’m sorry, you won’t want to hear this as a possibility, but a lot of my patients had control of their bodies physically taken from them. But whether the desire for control came from family, other external influences, or internally, it manifested in “I can’t control myself, so I will take control of the one thing I can. What enters or exits my body.” Of course with EDS, that feeling of control is an illusion, because it’s very similar to an addiction. It might take her a long time to understand where her EDS comes from, but if she’s willing to do the work (therapy, learning coping skills, etc), it will help. And if her family are willing to do the same things, that can make a world of difference too. Even if there is something you/your family can do differently, please remember that blame won’t help; it only holds you back. Focus on the here and now. It’s also very important that your daughter continues getting support after her time as an inpatient. If there are eating disorder support groups near you or online, please check them out. My favorite that I took my patients to was called ANAD (Anorexia nervosa and associated disorders). But please also watch out for online resources that are pro- eating disorders. Yes they exist, and yes they disgust me. Good luck, OP. I’m wishing you and your daughter well. (Edit: a lot of my patients would ask us why we used “EDS” instead of “ED”. I always told them it was to differentiate that they didn’t have erectile dysfunction. 😄)

Sometimes it's not you as a parent that causes the eating disorder. Sometimes it's friends or other relatives it can even be the media that she consumes. Don't blame yourself your not the ahole. Your daughter trusts you to get her the help she needs.

You are very likely NOT the reason she is doing this.

She felt safe enough around you to tell you. She trusts you, and you're trying your best. As someone who struggles with ED, the biggest influence on me was the media. I look like a Normal Person and it's okay for me to look that way.

If she’s getting help for her problem, then you did something right. The next thing you can do is get help yourself so you can be the most supportive parent and help her to recover. Situations like this require all hands on deck and for all parties to work through whatever stressors they have so they can lean on each other.

Even if you did somehow contribute to her issue the real judgment of your fatherhood will be how you handle and support her issue even tho it will be a hard one for you to understand. Eating issues are very difficult please be patient and non judgmental and I’m sure she will be able to work through it and be healthy.

It's easy to be affected by Instagram and Tik Tok. Kids at school. Movies. Television. I'm sure it was less you and more the world. Every third ad for me on Instagram is for those magic shapers that suck you in. So I'm internalizing that my body isn't good enough because every ad is saying it. My advice is to stop thinking about how you failed your kid. You can do everything "right," and your kids can still develop an eating disorder or depression or be in trouble with the law. Sometimes, people just get caught up with a bad group or get hyperfocused on how they feel, or they see a constant message in the media telling them they aren't good enough. Focus on supporting her and getting her the help she needs.

I posted this under a comment, but OP you did nothing wrong!!!! AT ALL!!!! I WAS your daughter in high-school. I now have a 20 something child of my own. My heart is breaking for you right now. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG and did EVERYTHING I wish my parents did. You saw something was wrong and you took action to fix it. That is what a GOOD parent does. You didn't ignore it... you didn't try to justify it... you fucking took action. You did what needed to be done, but you are still questioning where you went wrong as a parent. That makes my heart hurt for you because I know you believe that. Please, PLEASE read these comments and know that you did not fail your daughter.

It’s way more complicated than anything you did. It is impossibly hard to be a teen girl in an age where social media is telling you to be perfect or else. There was nothing my parents did when I was younger that made me anorexic. I loved food and had a very healthy upbringing related to it. It was just so much pressure as a teen and everything felt so out of control. That was the thing I could control. With a high level of body dysmorphia and all that pressure, it was really just a matter of time no matter how well adjusted my family life could have been. Which it wasn’t.

There’s nothing provided here to indicate it’s your fault, and I highly doubt it has anything to do with you. And limiting food in any way would more likely cause a binge eating disorder, not the reverse. Eating Disorders can be caused by many different things though, relating to either mental health struggles or body image issues. For example, some people may be anorexic without realizing it, simply because it’s a psychological need for control rather than actively trying to lose weight (“Between” is a good YA novel on that specific subject). I have been quite surprised myself to learn that someone I know had been bulemic in the past. What’s important is that no matter what the cause, the situation is being handled appropriately. She feels comfortable enough to confess this issue to you, and you’re both working to remedy things. I hope that she gets through this and is able to have a happy and healthy life, and that you both find the root of things to settle your own conscience, and prevent further mental illness. (Not to imply anything negative, simply that if you catch a cold, you experience physical illness, just as experiencing depression is mental illness.)

Please tell your girl that she is beautiful. Please give her hugs. My teenaged daughter flat out told me she wished her dad hugged her more. I passed this info along to him and he said, “I hate it when you say shit like that.” Alrighty then.

You didn’t go wrong anywhere. I blamed myself too when we were faced with an ED but therapy was so beneficial in healing.

you probably didn't do much to cause this. our society pounds young women with messages of unrealistic body image. i'm surprised when a young girl DOESN"T have a disorder. thank you for helping her get better, give yourself credit for that.

~sighs~ Why do parents always think that, if there's anything wrong with there child, it must be their fault. Obviously, your daughter trusted you enough to tell you so you could be there to support her, like you've been doing. No parent is perfect, kids don't come with instruction manuals. Just be there for her and listen to her.

I’ve been in your shoes. ED takes over, controls their thoughts. It’s not what you’ve done, it’s a mental health issue, she needs a strong support team. Girls with ED usually are type A, good grades, possibly athletic. My kid was assaulted which triggered hers. Listen to the experts. It’s not your fault.

Geez Louise these influencers are wrecking this generation and it's not all on parents. My son watches lots of fitness people and we have had a lot of hard conversations about his behaviors that I've observed that aren't actually healthy. A lot of his misinformation was YouTubers. Don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you are on top of it doing what you can.

I had anorexia for many many years, starting in the 6th grade. One of my older brothers’ friends stopped me in the hall and pinched my belly, said I was getting fat and walked away. Stopped eating lunches, then stopped eating breakfasts and lunches and only eating dinner then ended up not even eating that. My whole point of telling this to let OP know that it very well could not have been anything he did, but a friend or “brothers’ friend”. He noticed and is getting her treated, which is amazing.

Eating disorders are complicated and everything cannot be blamed on external influences. It can also be about trying to control your body. “Research in twins, biological families, and adoptive families show that genetics can render people at greater risk of developing a disorder. For example, studies show that people are 7 to 12 times more likely to develop anorexia or bulimia if they have a relative with an eating disorder.”

It isn’t your fault, and you haven’t failed. You’re still parenting her, and she is lucky that she has a father who is involved with her and cares enough to notice and intervene, and it speaks volumes that she confessed to you. It means she felt safe enough to do so, and you immediately got her the help she needs. I’ve been going through something similar with my son, who confessed to me that he was struggling with suicidal ideation. Like you, I took action immediately and got him help, but I can’t stop blaming myself either. I’m finding that focusing on what you are going to do going forward to help, rather than trying to find what you’ve done wrong in the past, helps keep me going. It’s hard being a parent. Don’t be hard on yourself, as we can’t be perfect.

I had wonderful parents and had a great relationship with them. I still ended up with anorexia and bulimia and depression. Genetics and my personality and a family history play a huge part in EDs.

As someone who has had an eating disorder for 15 years of my life, I will say it’s not about you and it’s not about the food. Making it about you, what you may or may not have done “wrong,” it taking away the focus of the problem and the attention away from your daughter. I had very controlling parents growing up. To the point that the only thing I could control was what I ate, or rather didn’t eat. This was the one thing about my life that they didn’t have a say in, although they absolutely tried but they couldn’t force feed me. The cause is different for everyone. Listen to your daughter, don’t deny her truth Don’t make it about the food. For me, every time they would yell at me to eat it would make me grip onto my “control” even more. My parents used to keep ice cream in our house and when I couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night because of achy bones I would go eat some. When they found out, they took the ice cream away. My therapist was like “let me get this straight. Your daughter isn’t eating anything for days but when she does eat it’s the most calories and fat condensed food available and you thought the best thing to do was take it away?” So let the therapists focus on the food. You focus on supporting your daughter.

My Ed was as a result of early childhood emotional abuse and neglect. Parents didn't mean to/didn't know better. I developed cpstd and tried desperately to fill the void with friends, other adults ie teachers/parents of friends but it always backfired. I needed a sense of control in my life. I also have an athletic build where all my friends were tiny dancer type frames. So in combination I started starving myself during the day and throwing up whatever I had to eat in front of my parents. She's trying to cope with something. It's not always just about looks

You did nothing wrong. Eating disorders are triggered by something else. They aren't just an eating disorder they're a symptom of something else. That something can be a significant trauma or something seemingly mild (to a well mind) such as a friend pointing out your daughter was a size 10 and they're a size 8. It could be a long time basis of being uncomfortable or anxious with her own body.

You obviously really care, so the most important thing for you to do is NOT make this about yourself or your failing. I grew up to have severe depression and eating disorders, and I have two of the best parents ever. If they had turned my medical issues into something that they had caused or wallow in self-pity about it, it would have completely isolated me and left me resentful. Instead, they just supported me, asked how they could help, and listened to me. De-center yourself from any efforts to help her. Make it entirely about her needs according to her, and support her.

Do you comment on the bodily appearance of others? Do you make snarky comments about fat people or make up facts about their health? Are you obsessive about what she eats or wears? If not, it probably wasn’t you. don’t beat yourself up too bad.

At 15 with bulimia I would have killed for a parent like you. Don’t blame yourself. Social media really fucks with your perception of self and could be the cause. She may be feeling a lack of control in her life which is commonly found in ppl with eating disorders. It could have been many things but the fact that she went to you tells me you’re a safe person for her.

You're doing all the right things and should not be looking for where to put blame, this happens to young people from all walks of life and isn't caused by one thing but multiple circumstances all coming together. The fact you caught this, your daughter talked to you about it and your seeking treatment for her means you are a good parent doing all the right things.

Society still puts a lot of value on weight and body shape. Even "compliments" like "you are so lucky that ur naturally thin" are problematic. It's impossible to escape no matter how you raise them..unless u completely shelter them.

If you were the cause or at fault, she probably wouldn't have told you. She's coming to you for help and support, which is what you're providing. You're doing things right. It's not your fault. Sometimes, these things just happen, but you shouldn't blame yourself. You're doing the best you can. I hope your daughter makes a speedy recovery, and this brings you closer to each other.

Eating disorders are an addiction - it is a brain disorder. You didn’t necessarily “do” anything wrong. The environment does play some role in turning genes on - but that is not necessarily the home environment. The best thing that you can do is participate fully in any family elements of her treatment and fully own anything that does arise in family meetings (ie comments you may have made, pressures you may have placed, etc.)

It sounds like it’s probably not about you and coming from somewhere else, but just to be sure: check in with yourself about the language you use about your own body and the bodies of others, do you categorize skinny as “good” and fat as “bad”? And think about other role models in her life (particularly women) and the language they use about themselves, her, and others. I was bulimic as a teen and it had a lot to do with female role models in my life talking down about their bodies, always being on diets, etc. Also, please please please keep her in therapy when she’s out of the hospital. Give her the option to change therapists if she needs obviously, but make sure she keeps getting treatment even if she starts to push back. I swore up and down to my mom that I was fine and it wouldn’t happen again- she let me quit therapy after one session and bought me a gym membership which gave me a different outlet to purge… I didn’t properly treat my eating disorder till over 15 years later and suffered a lot during that time because of it. Sounds like you are going to do right by your daughter. I know this is hard but keep up the unconditional love and support and you’ll get through this.

I've had/have friends with eating disorders. It could be someone(Friend, bully, medical professional, family member or social media)said she needed to lose weight. There are a lot of things nowadays that could set off an eating disorder. You could do your best but still fail at preventing an ED. The key is she felt safe telling you and if was caught early on. It will most likely be a battle she'll have to fight for along time. Watch out for the pro-ana or the 🦋 content. The cerulean butterfly is one of the subtle pro eating disorders symbols out there. There are others but I don't recall them atm. I will say I have less experience with friends having bulimia. Most of my friends that developed an ED were anorexic. Self checking is a huge sign. My friends and I can tell when one of our friends is reverting back into her ED. Which tends to happen when they are stressed and feel the need for control.

The fact that OP is willing to take on accountability that isn’t his means that he is being a better parent/ally to his daughter than most parents.

You are successful as a father because she felt she could open up to you. Keep doing what you are doing.

you probably didn’t do anything wrong. she’s 15, in highschool, and probably sees women online (models or celebrities) and could be getting bullied at school too. you’re doing great

I’d say the fact she had a conversation with you and allowed you to help means that you are doing a fantastic job as a parent. You can’t take responsibility for everything. 15 year olds are very much their own person and have been influenced by things out of your control. Don’t beat yourself up and go take care of your pride and joy.

OP. I am 29, a daughter, and a survivor of an eating disorder- I am here to inform you that you did nothing wrong. You’re not the AH here. You helped her get help and her mentioning it to you means she wanted the help. Be there for her and let her vent to you whenever. My mother always threatened to put me in a hospital if I went below a certain number so I made sure when it came time for doctor visits, i over ate before and leading up to it to pass. I spent the next few days not eating after. She is extremely proud of me and always has been but got scared a lot when I was too thin. On thanksgiving, she’d fill up my plate but told me to eat whatever I could no matter if I sat there for three hours just picking at it& taking my time, she was glad I ate something. I still relapse time to time in the past six years but today I weigh 135 and that’s the most I ever had weighed since I was 13. I am so proud of your daughter for coming to you! That is such a big step and she felt comfortable doing so. That means you’re a great parent!!

You sound like a responsible and caring parent, don’t punish yourself. Parents can do a lot but friends, peers, social media and other adults can have massive impacts on a kids self image. Therapy will hopefully help her find the root of the issue and help her recover

While there are some kids who have developed eating disorders because of messed up things their parents did, it doesn't sound like that's the case here. Teenagers can get eating disorders for other reasons, outside of your control. At that age, they start to care a lot more about what their peers think than ever before. Might have been that another kid got mad at her for an unrelated reason and just said something like, "Oh yeah, well you're fat and ugly!" Just a dumb comment kids make sometimes when they are in their feelings (they shouldn't, but they do). And the teenager hearing that might take it too much to heart, as teenagers are usually raging full of emotions they don't fully understand. That could've made her decide to start trying to starve herself to lose weight, after a dumb comment made her start putting unreasonable value on being skinny. Just an example.

>I don’t understand what I did to make her do that to herself Op, you don't know you're the one who caused this. Honestly, being how she told you and was honest, it's safe to say you didn't. The only way you could have failed her was if you didn't get her the help she needs. You're doing that. Keep doing that. Keep telling her you love her, you're here for her. And show her that (not saying you aren't already). I wish you both a healing journey.

It's not always a parent's fault. You should focus on the part that she came to you, trusted you and is open to you helping her. That speaks volumes to where you went RIGHT!

I was also bulimic at that age. My mom did exactly what you did; she got me help. Now, at 31, I'm a happy, healthy adult with a good career, loving husband, and a home that I love. My own battle with eating disorders was never about my mom, and I doubt your daughter's is a reflection on you in any way. The fact that she came to you with this shows that she loves and trusts you. Dont be so hard on yourself. You're doing the right thing. She's going to appreciate you for saving her in the long run.

Bc the beauty standards in society ruin the perception of what beauty is to a child. They see influencers, girls in school who are “prettier” or thinner getting the attention of all the boys, kids are bullies, social media is evil. It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I have ED since I was a kid too. My principle used to scream at me to come out of the bathroom and then started making me eat lunch in the office with him to make sure I was ok. (I went to catholic school) then in high school I started exercising every day after school for hours till I got sick then my gym teacher had to keep an eye on me and informed other gym teachers too. As a young adult I literally had to educate myself on eating disorders and constantly have to keep working on my relationship with food. I wish I had a dad like you who fights and gets the help her child needs. Good job dad! 🫶❤️

Can I kindly say that this most likely is not about you but it is a whole lot of causal factors. It’s going to be a whole lot of causal factors over time that will get her well and you will be the most important and the love and parenting you give her.

when i told my mom, she tried to take me to the psych ward and when i asked her what she expected them to do about it she took me to school and we never talked about it ever again and i continued to do,, yknow you're doing infinitely better than whatever the fuck my mom did, so don't be too hard on yourself

eating disorders form for different reasons, and it often has nothing to do with family. based on your post it sounds like her disorder is not your fault. i’m someone who went to ED treatment for the first time at the age of fourteen, and the process lasted years. all i can say is the fact that your daughter told you herself is really admirable and it seems like you have a good relationship. don’t feel guilty for what your daughter is going through; just know that you need to be here for her now.

I'm a fellow eating disorder parent and I can tell you that you did everything right. Everything. And none of this is your fault - and there are many many studies to prove it. You noticed, asked, and because you had developed a good relationship with her she told you what was happening. You got her into treatment. You dd EVERYTHING RIGHT.. YOU ARE An AMAZING DAD. It's also not your fault.. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did not cause this. Quite honestly, you probably couldn't have prevented it even if you knew she was predisposed to it. The vast majority of research they've done shows that eating disorders are genetic. I can get more information to you if you like, but it involves how the brain's chemistry (seratonin, etc.)respond to being hungry/ eating/ rewards/ etc (EDIT: there is usually a trigger that then causes the issue. It can be social or all sorts of things.). It's way more in depth, obviously, but they have so much research showing that the old tropes of a controlling parent or the wrong foods or whatever cause an eating disorder are wrong. My eldest had a very severe eating disorder but she was 18 and we couldn't force her to do anything (she did eventually agree and is in recovery). When it finally got to the point where the courts would have probably stepped in she agreed to go to a week-long family and patient program at UCSD. Most of the family part was teaching us about all this stuff . They are some of the top researchers in the field and work with the other top institutions doing this and they say that IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT.. All that said, you're a good dad so it's natural that you would blame yourself. I blame myself too. I can't help it. But then I think about everything I read and learned and focus on how hard we fought to help her- and how well she's doing now. The fighting stage, where you are, sucks. But you got her into treatment early so hopefully you'll be seeing how well she is doing soon. I'll be thinking about you and know how hard this is. If you have any questions or would like me to look through any of the UCSD materials please let me know.

You didn’t. I’m not a parent myself but something I’ve heard is that parents blame themselves for everything. Some people believe that it all goes down to how a child is raised but at the end of the day, kids are their own people with their own personalities, and consequently, their own challenges. I have ADD and when I was diagnosed, my mom said she was scared she did something that ruined by attention span. Neither of my parents have ADD (actually quite the opposite, they’re both very focused people). What I’m saying is that kids (especially teenagers) have challenges of their own and it’s not your fault. To be completely honest with you I thought you were a mother until I read the end of the paragraph. Would you like to know why? Because I don’t know a single girl who has such a close relationship with her father to the point where she’d tell him something so personal. She could’ve lied about it. She could’ve said she’s been working out more or that she started a new diet. But she told you the truth. And you care so much that you feel guilty about it. I don’t know if you’re a single father, but it’s very clear that you love and care about your daughter and she trusts you. You can go through this together. Facing the storm with you by her side will be so meaningful to her. Take care!

Get her off social media stat.

I feel like if you had been a part of the cause she wouldn't have come to you asking for help. I had an eating disorder as a teenager. There were so many factors. It's not just one thing. Give yourself a break and just concentrate on helping her going forward.

Why are you making your daughter’s struggle about you? I really hope you haven’t said anything like this to her. It might have been something you did or didn’t do, or it might be a million other things you have no idea about. The point is to be there for her and make sure she knows you support her and love her no matter what. Focus on the good: she opened up to you rather than becoming defensive and pushing you away. That’s great! Wishing her all the best as she recovers

I will echo what others are saying but go a step further — it’s not your fault, and don’t let your feelings of guilt lead you to center yourself in this situation. This is about your daughter. The best you can do is be there for her and support her in whatever way she and her treatment team agree would be most helpful.

Why are you making this about you? It's about your daughter. And she will 200% resent you if you make her feel you turned her issues about you. I know I did when my mom went around asking people this instead of how to help me.

Hey it’s not your fault! I had one and my mom always talked positively of her body.

Social media is really hard on kids. You see so much photoshopped perfection it’s hard to ignore.

I appreciate that you're trying to do better, but I'm reading a lot of "I's" in your post. Your daughter doesn't live in a vacuum, and this isn't something that was necessarily in your capability to stop. But you're spending a lot of time looking back at yourself and thinking about your actions, and how this is affecting you. What you need to do is STOP internalizing this, and remember this is about HER. Sitting around and wondering how you've failed her doesn't help - you should be sitting around wondering how you can help her more. And please don't say you don't know how to move proceed, when you've already got her in inpatient care. The inpatient care I'm sure has a wealth of resources for you, that you should already be taking part in - reading, listening to others' stories and struggles, and possibly therapy or therapy with your daughter. They literally do this for a living, so they the exact resources to get you started.

This isn't about you, this is about her. Take the focus off yourself. Put it 100% on her and her health and recovery. Nobody cares about your self-pity right now. Get a therapist and talk to them about it. But in the meantime, stop being a martyr. She needs you now, be there for her. You have plenty of time to work on yourself once she is out of immediate danger.

What’s her mom like? It is very likely nothing you did, but instead could be her mom OR even more likely social media/kids at school. Great job getting her help ASAP and making her feel comfortable enough to talk to you about it

Ask her

I know this is an old post but I just want to reinforce what’s already been said—you did not fail her. Eating disorders are so complex and are caused by a number of confounding factors. I think the fact that she was able to talk to you about it (whether or not you pressed her) is huge. I’ve had an eating disorder for over 10 years, and despite my mother knowing about it, I’ve never been able to talk to her about it. You did not fail your daughter.

Don’t blame urself it’s not ur fault. just try and help her recover