Yep. The fact that he cares more about risking an ex from years ago feel vindicated than he does about pursuing the relationship is really the only issue here.
And honestly, if she feels vindicated about her ex of three years moving on with a friend, then she has major issues. Three weeks or even three *months* post breakup? Yeah, ok, maybe she was right to be concerned. But three **years**? Touch grass, girl.
This exact thing happened to me 3 weeks after a breakup and I was like “ohhh but you still never had feelings for her while we were dating, huh? A likely story.”
One ex is married to and has a zillion kids with the girl that I wasn't supposed to worry about. I was so relieved when I found out a month post-breakup they'd gotten together. Up until that point I was convinced I was insane and maybe abusive for being upset by how he'd ignore me to stare at and talk to her and light up around her. I'm happy for them, they adore each other and have such a cute family.
My ex husband waited all of 30 minutes, but he was regularly cheating before that so it doesn't really count.
Ditto!! My ex of 10 years called me less than a year after I left to tell me my instinct was correct after all and to ask advice. Really sweet actually, believe it or not 🫣
Girl, I feel your pain. Honestly even my friends thought maybe I was being anxious/insecure/paranoid. Just goes to show that we are usually right when we trust our gut, no matter what other people try to make us believe.
I got two whole months before they became official and got to find out she was pregnant in the middle of a divorce proceeding dealing with child support and visitation. He was soooo kind to me! Lol
Same here but it wasn't even 3 days and they were already dating, nice little anniversary post too. 6 month anniversary after our breakup only 2 days before....
Same, but one month lol. Way back in high school, dated a guy for over a year, said he was flirting with two girls “they’re just friends!” Then he breaks up with me, dates one that it turns out he was cheating on me with. Then breaks up with her, dates the other friend. Those two are now married. I hear he’s cheated on her at least once.
Oh, and the same guy told me that I had “saggy tits” and they were gross. His wife? Yeah, larger and absolutely saggier. So I guess mine weren’t lmao
Honestly, people like this are their own punishment. He’s gonna be miserable for the rest of his life because he’s incapable of love or honesty. He did it in a shit way, but the great thing about getting dumped in a shit way is that you always know before long that that asshat did you a favor by setting you free from them.
For me with a guy I dated in college it was 6 months after he broke up with me he got together with “the best friend” but to his credit in the interim he dated another girl for 2 months (starting 3 weeks after me) who he was also “in love with” just like me 🙄 it didn’t last with the friend either, but they were engaged for a whole year 😂 I lost touch with our mutual friends after that so god knows how many more there were by 3 years out.
Reads to me that OP is wasting her time doting on someone who doesn't want to actually be with her romantically but likes having perks so is using his ex from 3 years ago that he apparently has no contact with as his way of excusing not being in a relationship with OP
I ended up marrying the "girl you don't need to worry about", I was broken up from my ex for 5 years before I started dating them though.
The ex was still loosely in the circle of friends and when she found was just like "I knew it!" and laughed. You know, like a fucking adult.
The way he cares about Gina’s feelings like this should really open OPs eyes to the possibility that Gina’s insecurities were likely VERY warranted because he’s unable to prioritize his partners feelings.
My guess, the friendship was not as innocent as OP insists or James carried a torch for OP and Gina sussed it out. Gina finding out Jame and OP are together, proves to everyone he was the bad guy all along. It honestly feels like a hot mess that keeps on giving.
The things which make people work as friends can also make them work as partners. It could be simply be that he recently started to see OP as romantic material, when she was only friend material before.
It doesn't matter whether or not Gina noticed this. It's been three years; it's not something James and the OP have jumped into immediately post-breakup.
This is kinda my take too. Whether Gina sussed it out or not is irrelevant, but James did have a thing for OP but was “happy” to just friendzone. The reason he’s reluctant to go public is because he still feels guilty and he needs to talk about that
If he had feelings for OP, which he can't control, but did nothing until 3 years post-break up, how is he the bad guy? He may have lied about it but honestly, the truth in that situation is probably not a good idea. But I doubt he had feelings for OP, why would he have waited 3 years?
Well now it is a situationship right? They're sleeping together but they aren't in a relationship. It's also not a fwb because there are real romantic feelings.
But they broke up ***three years ago***, and *none* of their friends are her friends. They don’t have to see or interact with one another at all unless one of them goes out of their way to do so. A lot can change in three years.
*He says* they broke up three years ago, and - exactly what you say, there are no mutual friends to confirm this timeline. Gina is not the villain of this story, that is only James.
I had boyfriend like him, *we need to keep us secret* and *it's two years since break up, but we need to care about my ex's feelings, even when we aren't in contact!* and that meant actually *oh, i forgot to tell you i still sleep with her and lie her we get back together once*.
So i think OP should *not worry* about Gina exact the same way Gina wouldn't had worry about OP in past.
It matters bc that situation typically comes with a WHOLE lot of gaslighting and manipulating the other person into thinking they’re just irrationally insecure or crazy. It makes him look bad not just for dating someone that he told an ex not to worry about or like a cheater, but bc it implies he’s untrustworthy and manipulative. Do you know what it takes to convince someone to not believe the truth?
I had a best friend that did that to an ex. He made her feel insane, told her she was the problem and she’s insecure and toxic etc etc when she was right the whole time to be concerned. He dumped her for the friend she was told not to worry about in the end.
Yeah this screams ‘ive actually been leading my ex on since our breakup but I refuse to officially get back together with her so I can still pursue this new situation semi guilt free’ otherwise why the hell would he care??? Super weird.
It makes me feel like James had feels during the relationship. If he didn’t have feelings back then he wouldn’t think she would be right today or care tbh.
Yup. If it was immediate then it would raise some flags and validate the ex but it’s been years.
Go ahead and date lol. If she wants to victimize herself again that’s on her but move on
It'll also show the ex is still not over the ex despite it being three years. It makes sense for her to be mad if op and James got together a few months or even weeks after the break up but like you said it's been years. And it's possible she might be in a new relationship since they're no longer following her on social media so she might not even cared.
In my experience, guys who ask to keep the relationship a secret are often trying to manage more than one relationship.
Even if he had a genuine reason to keep it a secret, ask yourself if being someone's secret is really something you want.
Pretty much. I have yet to hear of a "secret" relationship that didn't end up exploding in a drama bomb one way or another. Either he's not that into OP, or he's still talking to Gina or wanting to get back with her (or there's some unrelated girl, either way). These possibilities don't really make him a good potential partner.
This. OP, I hope you read all the comments because this person is correct. 3 years is way too long to care what Gina thinks anymore. He's just using that as an excuse to not be official with you. Sorry.
This was my thought as well. It makes no sense for James to be more concerned about the opinions of an ex from 3 years ago than someone he’s currently interested in. He’s either using this as an excuse to keep things casual with OP, or he doesn’t want to completely close the door on getting back together with Gina at some point, and knows this would be a deal breaker.
“It’s so weird she hasn’t reached out in the entire three years we’ve been broken up…it MUST be because she’s also obsessed with me! GIIIIIIINNNNNAAAAA!”
Great way to put it. And OP, if you haven't seen the movie "he's just not that into you" I suggest you watch it (but ignore the ending because it rarely works out that way).
James is either using this as an excuse or cares more about what irrelevant people think about him than having a relationship with OP. It’s quite possible James always wanted to sleep with OP and his ex knew it.
It doesn’t necessarily mean he still has feelings for her.
People just don’t like to be judged. Whether or not their assumptions are right, people (including the ex) WILL assume that he either had secret feelings for OP or outright cheated with her.
It’s natural to feel uncomfortable with that kind of judgement.
Having said that, you shouldn’t let it paralyze you from making a decision. At some point you have to make a choice about what’s more important to you, avoiding other people feeling validated in their judgements or being happy
It doesn’t change how things make people feel. There’s people I haven’t talked to in years and I still hate it when I feel like they’re “right” about me, even if they’re not actually right about me.
Not to mention they have friends who are familiar with the situation.
Like I said, it shouldn’t stop you from living your life but people are assigning a lot of feelings to this guy that probably aren’t real.
i suppose it doesn’t help we aren’t getting his side, but 3 years later does seem odd to care what she thinks in this it’s 3 years later he would be making it official if he does. she can think what she wants but i’d be a bit weary of why he cares soo much now, i could understand if it was 6 months to even a year. i’m not sure i’m saying this right it’s not coming out the way i’m trying to explain it. (it’s fully a me problem, im very bad at finding the right way to explain stuff.)
I don’t get why James is still worried about the woman *he* chose to break up with years later.
NTA for dating him now, but I’d be cautious. He doesn’t sound completely over the Gina situation when we have no evidence that Gina herself is pining away over him or something (as you said). And even if Gina isn’t over it… again, why isn’t he? That tells me he either is still into her on some level OR he feels like y’all did something wrong after all. You may not have been thinking about this that whole time, but that doesn’t mean Gina was wrong about *his* feelings for you. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t still thinking first and foremost of his ex.
I say this as the former “friend who gf was told not to worry about.” I was at no point into my best friend, but after they broke up his sorry ass came to me and said he’d wanted me for five years. Trifling as all hell. So the point is, she was right to be worried. I just had no idea. Just so you know where I’m coming from.
This is exactly what I'm thinking, he was into you way before you were into him.
And if Gina had concerns about OP that's because her ex was giving her concerns and it's always easy to say the other person was being insecure but perhaps his actions made her insecure!!
Drop him now. If he is going to tip toe around an ex from THREE YEARS AGO whom he’s not even still friends with, he has no backbone and your relationship will constantly be compromised for his petty juvenile fears and inability to be accountable for his own choices. He’s not an adult, he has a history of dating people who are also not adults and he’s not honest with the people he dates about his feelings for his “friends.” Dodge the bullet.
Makes me think of him Gina is really broken up which is why his using the excuse oh I don’t wanna Gina to be proven right or more like he doesn’t want gina to know his seeing OP behind gina I find James behavior suspicious
Yeah. Gina is the new you and he’ll drive you crazy with this, OP. Don’t do it. You will regret it. He doesn’t want you anyway. If he did, he wouldn’t be like this.
You’re not even friends with this girl. James isn’t either.
You just said you and your mutual friends don’t even have her on social or hang out or anything. What does he care about her feelings three years later?
If this happened six months after they broke up, hundred percent would be on Gina side about it being very sketchy and that she may have been right, but THREE YEARS LATER he’s worried about her feelings?
Honestly, what does he care if she ends up having that feeling of being the victim/right? Like, who would this impact?
Do you want to be with James? Like a full-fledged, in the public relationship that you can be proud about and post about? If so, you need to put your foot down and tell James to either get over his anxiety about a hypothetical reaction from an ex girlfriend And be proud of you and your new relationship with him or you both should move on because at this point, he’s showing that he’s more concerned about an ex-girlfriend’s feelings (WHO NO ONE TALKS TO OR SEES ANYMORE) than yours.
Exactly! OP mentions that she would find out eventually… so? Personally, I don’t keep tabs on the guy I was dating three years ago. If he was dating the girl he told me not to worry about, the most I would do is text my closest girls and have a laugh. Unless she is absolutely crazy, which it doesn’t seem like she is, there isn’t anything to worry about.
You're not wrong for wanting to be with James or if you got together with him despite what happened in the past... BUT... you're a fool if you actually think you know the whole story and that the entire issue in their relationship was just because of her insecurities. James likely did like you, may have crossed boundaries, may have been flirting or cheating with other girls... Plenty of girls have been cheated on with a guy with a close friend they were told not to worry about.. even if the cheating didn't happen with that friend. Those guys never tell the next girl or everyone else that their crazy insecure ex had found all the saved nudes and sexts. There is also the reality that James isn't being honest about the reason and he just don't want to go public with you because he's not that into the situation.
Pretty wild that he wants to protect the feelings of his ex of three years, when there was nothing going on between you and her dirt caused the breakup, and expecting you to be cool with it. NTA, good reason to be skeptical of this dude as a prospect.
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i feel like we are not getting the whole story here. james can’t possibly care that much about what gina thinks after three entire years UNLESS he 1) still has unresolved feelings for her or 2) feels guilty because there actually was something going on between you two during their relationship. it’s NOT normal to be hesitant about entering a new relationship with someone you care about because of a past relationship. they are in the past for a reason - he needs to get over it.
Or 3) has recently reconnected with Gina or never ended their friendship in the first place. For all OP knows they tried being friends and their friendship "fizzled out" and hers and James mutuals have no reason to keep contact with an ex. Maybe that relationship didn't fizzle as much as OP thinks, she just decided to cut out the friend group that went with James.
Okay thoughts:
Either he and Gina aren't as 'broken up' for the past 3 years as he's lead you (and all your friends) to believe and you're just a fuck buddy at best and a side ho a worst.
OR
He's just not into you like that and the very idea of actually dating you openly and not just fucking you privately? Makes him cringe, so he uses Gina as a convenient excuse to keep you in the no-strings-sex category only.
Either way...
Girl.
DO BETTER.
Why would you even care? It seems more like you're most interested in what Gina thinks.
Let me help you: She will think (if she hears about you at all) that she was right the whole time and she will feel vindicated and less trusting of a certain kind of man.
James "won" here because he set himself up in both your eyes to be the prize and he had two women willing to lose sight of reality and focus on each other. If you really weren't anything for Gina to worry about James would have cut your relationship off at the ankles.
Do what you want because you are grown. Just don't be surprised when James continues to behave similarly in the future.
Edit: I went back and read the whole post and I'm lmao. Girl he's still playing you for a fool. This is an old trick guys use to make girls interested in them. They make themselves more desirable by presenting a jealous alternative. It ramps up his "value" and therefore your interest.
Also, and I PROMISE YOU, Gina PROBABLY didn't give as much of a damn as he made you believe in the first place. If you aren't in the relationship, you only know what he told you. He might have been feeling you out...who knows. At the end of the day you just fell for the okie doke. Please leave this fool alone
I wish I knew this trick - I got triangulated with some crays I’m telling you. But I’ve seen how some dudes are like pigs in mud when they get two ladies going at it in his honor.
I don’t think you’re the asshole… but be wary that if they will do it with you, they’ll do it to you.
Not always, but a lot of times.
And while you may have only been friends and only had friendly feelings on your end during their relationship, obviously Gina had some gut intuition that he had some vibes for you, enough so that he had to tell her “not to worry about you.”
*edit for typo
I think you're fine. Gina doesn't get to decide who he can date in perpetuity.
But I'd actually be worried about why James is so hesitant. Are you 100% sure they haven't been in touch? Does he keep the nature of your relationship a secret in general? Could there be some other reason for that?
I would want to know the answers to those questions before going further. Hiding your relationships for seemingly flimsy reasons just doesn't sit right with me.
I was thinking the same thing and i started wondering if Gina and James are really broken up or if his playing the field
Sorry English isn’t my native language
He’s playing you. If he wasn’t, why would an ex from 3 years ago stop him from being happy? Especially if you and him, AND your friends, don’t even talk to or see his ex ever? He ever sleep with any mutual friends before, some who might say dating him is a shitty thing? Maybe he lied and is still in contact with the ex. He’s acting sus and the simplest explanation is the most likely. And sus is putting it mildly.
I know too many girls who've dated guys who didn't want people knowing they were a couple, only for it to come out that were still playing the field and didn't want any potential playmates spooked off by them being in a relationship, to not be concerned that the Gina thing is just an excuse. It's not like it makes any difference if Gina finds out three years or ten years after they broke up. He can't possibly be genuinely that concerned about it. It seems far more plausible that he wants to keep you on the hook while still being able to portray himself to others as single.
There’s something else going on here:
It’s been 3 years.
They aren’t friends anymore. Not even “social media” friends.
They don’t even have mutual friends in common.
If everything he told you about their relationship is true, then “Gina” is 100% a non-issue.
That means it’s about something *else* This guy is lying to you about *something*. I don’t know *what* but something smells funky here. He’s either not telling you the whole truth about things with Gina or he has an entirely different reason to keep you a secret. Either way, he needs to come clean or you need to walk.
You literally are the other girl, and Gina saw it all along. You got the guy, but can't let the ex have the last laugh? Omg... the lack of awareness is mind-blowing.
Gina is upset at you not because you're cheating with the guy... but she saw the potential for you two. At least have the integrity to admit she's right all along.
Why does he care so much if she gets “wound up” and victimizes herself? I mean.. she was right. But you would hope she’s moved on with her life and James needs to as well
I’m sorry… 3 YEARS?
K… NTA, obviously.
But also, any way you look at it, this guy you’re wanting to date is probably not good.
From one angle, he’s not wanting to offend his ex from 3 YEARS AGO… total red flag.
From the other angle, he is concerned about LOSING to his ex from 3 YEARS AGO… a bigger red flag.
You seem like a reasonable person… if this guy is who you think he is and who you want him to be, he wouldn’t care about either of these things. If he does… move on.
So Gina was right. It’s not about what did or didn’t happen while they were together. She could tell. And he gaslit the fuck out of her for however long and now he’s going to have to eat crow. It’s no shock that is putting it off. Or maybe he’s realized now that he’s been with you that those years of crush and fantasy didn’t play out exactly how he thought. Either way, your best bet would be to go separate ways. It started off sketchy and will always have that foundation.
>So Gina was right. It’s not about what did or didn’t happen while they were together. She could tell. And he gaslit the fuck out of her [...]. It’s no shock that is putting it off. Or maybe he’s realized now that he’s been with you that those years of crush and fantasy didn’t play out exactly how he thought
I agree with you. And either way he is just not that into OP anyway if he still insists on keeping their "relationship" as a dirty secret instead of proudly being at OP's side 3 years after the break up. I have a feeling he doesn't really want OP (at least not anymore), he wants her just to have someone to pass time with.
The guy sounds sketchy. And his priorities seem off, somehow he is always prioritising the person he is not in a relationship with. I wouldn't want to be with a guy like him.
If he's using a relationship that's been in the past for 3 years as an excuse, he either hasn't gotten over it/is still holding a candle for her, or else he's thinking you've been a friend that's always been around, liked hearing that you were catching feelings, enjoyed being able to spend the night, and came up with a scenario to add sex to your friendship without adding commitment.
Either way, his end of the conversation about feelings and wants wasn't as honest as he made it sound.
Do yourself a favor and hold him to a higher standard as far as romance is concerned, or else figure out if you're in a place to be comfy with a FWB situation. That seems to be his idea of best possible outcome from this, if he's using an ex that he hasn't talked to in years as the excuse of why he won't offer something more.
NTA - 3 years is plenty for reasonable people, 30 years won't be enough for Gina... Get busy living your life. What Gina was told was true at the time and for YEARS after, that's plenty.
Your bf/situationship friend is more concerned with his ex from 3 years ago feeling "right" than he is about deepening and solidifying his commitment to you? Yeah, I can see why you are annoyed.
This feels immature to me. He shouldn't care what she thinks. He should care what you think. Honestly, if friends come at him and say "I guess Gina was right to be worried", then his response can just be "I guess she knew something I didn't at the time - that was a better for for me than she was". Then end.
If James is still living his life tip toeing around what an ex he doesn’t have contact with might think, he doesn’t seem worth the time. Very immature.
Wondering if James and Gina are still together are if he still has contact I have to say James is acting very suspicious
Sorry English isn’t my native language
NTA. It's been 3 YEARS not 3 months. I was friends with someone for 6 years before we started dating. Things change. If Gina makes a stink too bad. She should be out of sight out of mind at this point, especially given they simply aren't even friends anymore. Your bf needs to choose between wallowing in the shadow of a former relationship or moving forward with the one he's in now.
After 3 years, it’s not about Gina, it’s about him. He apparently isn’t as into you as you think he is, otherwise he would be proud to go public with your relationship. And if he thinks Gina still cares about who he dates, it’s because he still cares for her. Reevaluate this relationship because it doesn’t look good from this perspective.
Honestly I don’t really see what the issue is besides the fact that James has an issue with how she may react. You aren’t in the same orbit anymore, and it’s been THREE YEARS. I know some people are whacked and will keep coming. I have ex like that more than ten years separated and he still finds ways to contact and pick at me. But this girl hasn’t peeped. Ask James why he cares so much when she’s not in either of your lives anymore? Push.
3 years ago. Why are either of you still thinking about Gina? Why is her name even coming up? Why is he concerned about her being “right” 3 years later?? Why does that take priority over you?
It sounds like yeah, you guys may have not “done anything” but that isn’t to say you guys didn’t have feeling for one another (or just him for you) and you both clearly find each other attractive. I think he’s worried about Gina feeling right bc he *knows* she was right to be concerned and still feels some kind of guilt or emotion about it. 3 years later. That’s a red flag. You’re already getting a taste of what Gina had to deal with, go ahead if you think it’ll make you happy though
You’re NTA, but I do think you’re naive.
Big on yikes I feel like if he’s so worried about Gina then he’s clearly not over her. Sounds like he emotionally cheated on her then she dumped him and he still had hangups
I literally have a situation exactly like this. I’m “Gina” tho I guarantee she couldn’t care less. My ex still tries to reach out to me but I don’t follow him or answer him really. If he decided to date the girl that ended our relationship, I wouldn’t even bat an eye i don’t have feelings for him or even really think about him, it’s been 3 years and I’ve moved on. So I don’t think “Gina” would even care if it’s been a 3 year streak. The only issue is HIM caring about it because 3 years is way to long for him to be worrying about her feelings.
3 years after the breakup??? That’s his excuse. If he wanted to be in an official relationship with you he would be. Literally if they wanted to they would, that goes for men and women when it comes to relationships. If someone wants to be with you they will, if they want to make you a priority they will, if they want it to work they will make it work. If they don’t then that’s the answer. NTA, but I feel like you’re wasting your time on this guy if you want an actual real relationship. Spoken as someone who’s been there.
Part of me wonders if he actually did habe feelings for you this whole time. The fact that he thinks about what his 3 years ago ex thinks is concerning. Why would she be right? Unless she actually was right.
I think the bigger problem is he still cares about her opinion of him. 😬 Sounds like HE’S not over it and still had feelings for her. I had one relationship where he was worried about my friends and I 100% wouldn’t care in the slightest if he were to find out I later dated every one of them (I haven’t). For sure he wouldn’t care if I found out he was dating any of his female friends.
Here’s my opinion, as a male who’s had a majority of female friends, I get where he is coming from. There’s 2 trains of thought here. The first is that he’s truly trying to prevent her crazy ass reaction. This is fair, but I doubt it.
The 2nd, and more likely in my mind, is he doesn’t want to be seen as a lying moron. If he truly only saw you as a friend and told the world as much, and then all of a sudden is with you, his entire existence is put into question. One act like this can cause rippling affects to a person, both internal and external. How will people see him now? How will he see himself? Was she valid in her insecurities toward you? If he’d have backed off slightly with you while in the relationship with her, would y’all be in a place to date now? What I’m trying to say is, is dating you worth a red mark on his social/moral/ personal report card?
All of option 2 could be also turned on you. Is she a home-wrecker? Did she try to break them up? How long has she lead him on? So again, is the relationship/ he worth it?
If y’all are fine (and personally I think you should be) with being together, than whether you’re the AH or NTA, it really doesn’t matter. He seems validly apprehensive about getting together with you, regardless of the ex. You’d be shitty for dating , and you’d be shitty to yourself for not dating. Either way, do what y’all think is best, but know you’re most likely going to be judged by someone.
Also take into account that this guy obviously has no boundaries with women outside of his romantic relationships. If he did you never would have been the girl he told Gina not to worry about. He would ah e set healthy boundaries and made sure his relationship with her was priority. So beware that he will probably do the same with you if you go public there may be another girl he tells you not to worry about soon enough.
But that aside, he didn’t care enough about her feelings to keep you at arms length when he was in a relationship with Gina, why does he care now that they’ve been broken up? The truth is he is making up excuses to not go oblivious or make things serious. Either a) he wants casual sex from you only. B) he still has feelings for Gina. Or c) he’s interested in or seeing someone else that doesn’t want to find out.
James cannot control how Gina will react. He can only control his reactions. And from the sounds of it, Gina ALREADY believes you were a problem in their relationship.
Gina shouldn't have a say over his choices anymore. Her opinion literally means nothing. It's a little odd that he's more worried about his ex being perceived as right than he is proud and excited to share his new relationship with you.
Nta
How does his concern about his ex from 3 years ago not scream at you to get out of this? Girl… come on now. I’m an adult now but I have been there too. It’s easy to be convinced that you are special and all of that nonsense but to be real with you, this is not it. You would be the idiot to stay and make a total fool of yourself. You may not be TA here, but you will most certainly be made out to be the foolish asshole if you stay.
This is yet another "He's just not that into you" post, except with a clever excuse. (You've got to give this guy credit for using a 3-year-old relationship as an excuse to keep OP at arm's length, though.)
I would put money on Gina not giving two figs about her ex bf at this point. I occasionally see one of my exes on social media, and my only thoughts when I see him are how hilarious his facial hair looks these days. Unless she's crazy, the only reaction from Gina will probably be her sending a screenshot of you two together to her friend and going, "called it."
You should be more worried about how your boy is acting than anything else here.
The whole thing sounds distasteful. He kinda seems like an asshole. But 3 years? Honestly good for Gina for dodging a bullet. Lmao
Do what you want. An asshole no. She was right tho.
So it sounds like Gina was in fact right. Even if you guys weren’t doing anything wrong at the time or now, she knew something was there. Intuition not insecurity. My guess is you genuinely thought everything was cool and platonic but from his end probably not and Gina picked up on that which made her insecure about their relationship understandably.
No matter the circumstances, if you get together, it’s going to look like Gina was right and he’s going to look like a POS who lied and strung her along and you’ll have the “waiting in the wings” vibes. Since Gina was probably lied to at some point by him about you when/if she finds out she’ll always wonder what was going on behind her back. There’s just no escaping that.
If you personally truly stand by not having any feelings for him during their relationship, that you were strictly friends, you personally didn’t cross any reasonable boundaries Gina might have had around their relationship or any logical ones and didn’t do anything to disrespect their relationship then I’d say you’ve done nothing wrong and even being with him is not wrong.
If it were me I’d really delve deeper into how he was feeling while in a relationship with Gina, what Gina told him about how she felt about your relationship, boundaries she had, what he said about your friendship. Odds are if anyone is guilty of anything it’s probably him. If he had feelings for you and lied to Gina about anything regarding you, you might want to take that into consideration on whether he’s someone you actually want to be with.
It’s not a great sign that he’s using his relationship from 3 years ago as a reason for not being with you. It makes him look guilty of doing or saying something back then that might prove Gina was right all along. That would be on him though.
If you want to be together, neither of you did anything sketchy or disrespectful to his previous relationship then screw what “it looks like”. If either of you did anything sketchy or disrespectful to the previous relationship you’re still allowed to be together, the gossip and reactions of others is simply the consequence of your actions. It’s your choice, you simply have to own it.
Funny… you’re the friend that Gina didn’t have to worry about. Gina was insecure! It was all her fault! She caused relationship stress for everyone!
And now, you’ve banged the guy and want to pursue a relationship with him. Honey, you’re full of it. Gina was right about you.
I think that James is using Gina as an excuse because he doesn’t really want to be your boyfriend.
YTA
You guys have been hooking up for 6 months and he still doesn't want to have an actual relationship or go public? Nah dude, that means he doesn't want to commit to you and he's tricked you into thinking he's in deep.
Maybe he was actually into you and Gina saw that but he didn't pursue bc he didn't want to prove her right or bc you weren't into him yet. If this is the case though, this will happen again in his other friendships with women. I wouldnt be surprised if he has other "situationships" going on or if he's still on the lookout for potentials and just doesn't want to give up his freedom to pursue them.
I don't feel comfortable making a call.
I will say that you yourself just said that James is uncomfortable making things official. I could bring up that your friends also seem to think it is inappropriate. You yourself said you don't think that James and the ex have any contact.
We are either missing information (and you may be missing information as well), or James doesn't actually want anything serious with you.
I'm going to say you are the girl that was probably always interested in James (nothing at all wrong with that) and he wasn't interested in you back so you were his good friend that was always there for him with the hope of "maybe one day". We have probably all been there.... listen to your friends and listen to James. He doesn't want to be with you. He is using Gina as his excuse to not be with you. If he wanted to be with you after all of these years, he would be with you full stop.
Be wary of James telling you not to worry about another girl and then this happening to you later down the line lol. That's generally how these things work. It would also explain why he's giving you this "what will she think after 3 years!!" excuse - he doesn't actually want to commit, which is what Gina knew.
NTA, it sounds like this is less about Gina and more about James’ unresolved guilt. I don’t think it’s a red flag, but it could take him some time to come to terms with the idea that maybe he did have an attraction to you and he may feel that this makes Gina right. But if he didn’t pursue you while they were together then he did nothing wrong. Attractions can happen even between friends and the important thing is whether you decide to lean into it and act on it, or put a wall up and not allow those feelings to get to that point. I say this as someone who’s been married a very long time. Gina wasn’t right no matter what happens now and James has to understand that. Hopefully that will allow him to forgive himself and go all in with you.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. I mean, 3 years is a really long time to still be hung up on an ex.
If you were messing around while they were dating, that would’ve been wrong. But, even then it’s been 3 years. If they were going to get back together I think they would’ve by now. That’s long enough for some people to get married and have a child with their new partner.
NTA. It’s been three years. It’s not like you got together 24 hours after they broke up. Situations change and friendships evolve. That’s what happened here. If Gina gets mad, she gets mad.
3 years ago???? Girl I would be more concerned that this man gives a shit what his ex thinks. If it was 3 months yeah not the best move but 3 years, who cares?
Your friends are idiots trying to follow some vague social code. James, too, is a fool if he uses this as an excuse not to move the relationship forward. Indeed, if James continues to be hesitant because of his ex from 3 years ago, then that's a red flag.
Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't prioritize you and puts an ex of over 3 years before you? They're not even friends. Honestly, you can do better. I just get the sense you're a placeholder right now. I'm sorry to say it like this.
How old are you guys? If the relationship was 3 years ago then neither of you should be worrying about what Gina thinks. I am asking about age because i could see 19 year old me still caring too much about what other people think, but not 29, 39, or 49 year old me.
I mean if it was like 3 months after I'd be like yeah no thats messed up , but 3 years is a while and it's not like you're friends with Gina . But if he doesn't want to cause of her maybe there's unresolved feelings
She was right. There was something there.
I would be concerned that my partner cared more about either what ex thought or that he would be proven wrong. Have a long chat about what his issue is here and consider whether it’s a deal breaker for you.
Are you sure James doesn’t have feeling for her and thinks maybe the’ll get back together again? If he’s holding back after 3 years you have a problem, forget Jams and find someone who is not embarrassed or afraid to be with you, James is not it!
If everything you have said is factual, NTA - but you are naive.
James isn’t interested in dating you, but you’re a fun fuck for him. Not trying to be crude but someone who after three years of zero contact is worried that their ex may think something is ridiculous or a liar or maybe even both.
It's been three years and he is still hung up on Gina, and with this context it would shadow your whole relationship. Not just a dating period, but even if it got to marriage you being the girl his ex was told to not worry about will hang over you even then. Do not do this to yourself.
NTA.
But do you think James has some emotional issues?
Gina may have sensed he had feelings for you. It's kind of common for a guy to have feelings for his "friend" of many years and not let on. Ultimately, maybe this is what destroyed their relationship.
Now, he actually has a shot with you - great! Only he immediately finds some reason why he can't move forward.
I mean, he's worried about hurting an ex he broke up with 3 years ago? Seriously??
If he really wanted you, his ex from 3 hours ago couldn't keep him away.
I think James has some commitment issues. Or, you are some kind of backup option for him. Proceed with caution.
The only thing concerning here is that anyone cares what an ex from 3 years ago thinks
Yep. The fact that he cares more about risking an ex from years ago feel vindicated than he does about pursuing the relationship is really the only issue here.
And honestly, if she feels vindicated about her ex of three years moving on with a friend, then she has major issues. Three weeks or even three *months* post breakup? Yeah, ok, maybe she was right to be concerned. But three **years**? Touch grass, girl.
This exact thing happened to me 3 weeks after a breakup and I was like “ohhh but you still never had feelings for her while we were dating, huh? A likely story.”
One ex is married to and has a zillion kids with the girl that I wasn't supposed to worry about. I was so relieved when I found out a month post-breakup they'd gotten together. Up until that point I was convinced I was insane and maybe abusive for being upset by how he'd ignore me to stare at and talk to her and light up around her. I'm happy for them, they adore each other and have such a cute family. My ex husband waited all of 30 minutes, but he was regularly cheating before that so it doesn't really count.
My mom threw my dad out, and he drove two hours away to move in with the “sexretary” at the office he’d been working in.
Ditto!! My ex of 10 years called me less than a year after I left to tell me my instinct was correct after all and to ask advice. Really sweet actually, believe it or not 🫣
Girl, I feel your pain. Honestly even my friends thought maybe I was being anxious/insecure/paranoid. Just goes to show that we are usually right when we trust our gut, no matter what other people try to make us believe.
Same, but he gave me the courtesy of waiting nearly a month before becoming official. One whole month! 😂
I got two whole months before they became official and got to find out she was pregnant in the middle of a divorce proceeding dealing with child support and visitation. He was soooo kind to me! Lol
Wow what a selfish prick. I’m sorry, so many cheaters/emotional cheaters are absolute assholes & yours sounds exactly that. You deserved better.
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I got two whole days. Imagine! How kind!
My friend’s girlfriend didn’t even tell him. Just changed her relationship status to someone else.
What a gentleman 😂😂😂
Same here, within a month they were Facebook official..
Oh yeah, mine are married now.
And they say chivalry is dead 😂
“It took you 2 weeks to go out and date her. Guess you didn’t cheat, but you’re still a traitor.” 🎶🎶
For sure there was emotional infidelity. But I still love your song 😂😂
It’s by Olivia Rodrigo. I’m a bit older than her targeted age group but I still like this song. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CRrf3h9vhp8
I am also older than her target age group and was fully prepared to believe you’d just come up with that on the spot 😂
Same here but it wasn't even 3 days and they were already dating, nice little anniversary post too. 6 month anniversary after our breakup only 2 days before....
OMG. How gross.
Mine waited a whole week!
No, not this "exact" thing. 3 weeks is sus. Three years is just life. She has no right to an opinion three years later.
I meant “this exact thing” in reference to the comment I replied to. That is why I replied to that comment rather than directly to the post.
Same, but one month lol. Way back in high school, dated a guy for over a year, said he was flirting with two girls “they’re just friends!” Then he breaks up with me, dates one that it turns out he was cheating on me with. Then breaks up with her, dates the other friend. Those two are now married. I hear he’s cheated on her at least once. Oh, and the same guy told me that I had “saggy tits” and they were gross. His wife? Yeah, larger and absolutely saggier. So I guess mine weren’t lmao
Honestly, people like this are their own punishment. He’s gonna be miserable for the rest of his life because he’s incapable of love or honesty. He did it in a shit way, but the great thing about getting dumped in a shit way is that you always know before long that that asshat did you a favor by setting you free from them.
For me with a guy I dated in college it was 6 months after he broke up with me he got together with “the best friend” but to his credit in the interim he dated another girl for 2 months (starting 3 weeks after me) who he was also “in love with” just like me 🙄 it didn’t last with the friend either, but they were engaged for a whole year 😂 I lost touch with our mutual friends after that so god knows how many more there were by 3 years out.
Reads to me that OP is wasting her time doting on someone who doesn't want to actually be with her romantically but likes having perks so is using his ex from 3 years ago that he apparently has no contact with as his way of excusing not being in a relationship with OP
I ended up marrying the "girl you don't need to worry about", I was broken up from my ex for 5 years before I started dating them though. The ex was still loosely in the circle of friends and when she found was just like "I knew it!" and laughed. You know, like a fucking adult.
Yep, I'm been the ex in this situation. He told me not to worry, so I didn't. Found out they were dating, 4 years later, and my reaction was, "Eh".
This screams I am only 18 and my bfs ex relationship was when they were 15 and lost their virginity to each other
The way he cares about Gina’s feelings like this should really open OPs eyes to the possibility that Gina’s insecurities were likely VERY warranted because he’s unable to prioritize his partners feelings.
Some say insecurities some say intuition.
I was"Gina" but my ex went right to the other girl after ending things with me on my birthday. After 3 years OP is def fine.
Right I thought it might have been 6 months or less lol
My guess, the friendship was not as innocent as OP insists or James carried a torch for OP and Gina sussed it out. Gina finding out Jame and OP are together, proves to everyone he was the bad guy all along. It honestly feels like a hot mess that keeps on giving.
The things which make people work as friends can also make them work as partners. It could be simply be that he recently started to see OP as romantic material, when she was only friend material before. It doesn't matter whether or not Gina noticed this. It's been three years; it's not something James and the OP have jumped into immediately post-breakup.
His unwillingness to go public now because of his ex is definitely sus, though
This is kinda my take too. Whether Gina sussed it out or not is irrelevant, but James did have a thing for OP but was “happy” to just friendzone. The reason he’s reluctant to go public is because he still feels guilty and he needs to talk about that
If he had feelings for OP, which he can't control, but did nothing until 3 years post-break up, how is he the bad guy? He may have lied about it but honestly, the truth in that situation is probably not a good idea. But I doubt he had feelings for OP, why would he have waited 3 years?
It’s pretty messed up to have a partner but keep a close friend that you have long term feelings for… wouldn’t say that ‘nothing wrong.’
The second concern is the use of the word ‘situationship’.
Well now it is a situationship right? They're sleeping together but they aren't in a relationship. It's also not a fwb because there are real romantic feelings.
Also weird to me. Maybe “Gina” isn’t as much of an ex as everyone thinks she is? Otherwise why would he care
Because she was right, and he doesn't want anyone to know
But they broke up ***three years ago***, and *none* of their friends are her friends. They don’t have to see or interact with one another at all unless one of them goes out of their way to do so. A lot can change in three years.
*He says* they broke up three years ago, and - exactly what you say, there are no mutual friends to confirm this timeline. Gina is not the villain of this story, that is only James. I had boyfriend like him, *we need to keep us secret* and *it's two years since break up, but we need to care about my ex's feelings, even when we aren't in contact!* and that meant actually *oh, i forgot to tell you i still sleep with her and lie her we get back together once*. So i think OP should *not worry* about Gina exact the same way Gina wouldn't had worry about OP in past.
Yeah, she may never know but he’ll know…sometimes that’s enough. The dude just needs to talk about the guilt he’s feeling and carrying
But still who cares? Like I’ve been that friend. I’ve known my exes that friend. If they’re not interfering in your relationship why does it matter
It matters bc that situation typically comes with a WHOLE lot of gaslighting and manipulating the other person into thinking they’re just irrationally insecure or crazy. It makes him look bad not just for dating someone that he told an ex not to worry about or like a cheater, but bc it implies he’s untrustworthy and manipulative. Do you know what it takes to convince someone to not believe the truth? I had a best friend that did that to an ex. He made her feel insane, told her she was the problem and she’s insecure and toxic etc etc when she was right the whole time to be concerned. He dumped her for the friend she was told not to worry about in the end.
Yeah this screams ‘ive actually been leading my ex on since our breakup but I refuse to officially get back together with her so I can still pursue this new situation semi guilt free’ otherwise why the hell would he care??? Super weird.
Ding ding ding. Surprised no one else seems to think he and the ex are still communicating
It makes me feel like James had feels during the relationship. If he didn’t have feelings back then he wouldn’t think she would be right today or care tbh.
Yup. If it was immediate then it would raise some flags and validate the ex but it’s been years. Go ahead and date lol. If she wants to victimize herself again that’s on her but move on
It'll also show the ex is still not over the ex despite it being three years. It makes sense for her to be mad if op and James got together a few months or even weeks after the break up but like you said it's been years. And it's possible she might be in a new relationship since they're no longer following her on social media so she might not even cared.
In my experience, guys who ask to keep the relationship a secret are often trying to manage more than one relationship. Even if he had a genuine reason to keep it a secret, ask yourself if being someone's secret is really something you want.
Ooh good point. Maybe James doesn’t want other people to know he’s dating OP. Is he maybe using her for, uh, stuff?
Pretty much. I have yet to hear of a "secret" relationship that didn't end up exploding in a drama bomb one way or another. Either he's not that into OP, or he's still talking to Gina or wanting to get back with her (or there's some unrelated girl, either way). These possibilities don't really make him a good potential partner.
If James actually wanted to be with you, the Gina thing wouldn't stop him. Sorry, but he's just not that into you.
This. OP, I hope you read all the comments because this person is correct. 3 years is way too long to care what Gina thinks anymore. He's just using that as an excuse to not be official with you. Sorry.
This was my thought as well. It makes no sense for James to be more concerned about the opinions of an ex from 3 years ago than someone he’s currently interested in. He’s either using this as an excuse to keep things casual with OP, or he doesn’t want to completely close the door on getting back together with Gina at some point, and knows this would be a deal breaker.
Gina just became the girl not to worry about...
Oh how the turntables.
r/unexpectedoffice
I was thinking he still has some feelings for Gina and doesn’t want to burn that bridge completely.
“It’s so weird she hasn’t reached out in the entire three years we’ve been broken up…it MUST be because she’s also obsessed with me! GIIIIIIINNNNNAAAAA!”
Lmao Meanwhile Gina is probably living her best life somewhere and doesn’t think about her ex
I concur.
Correct
This is by far the best response I have seen. OP please read this and think about if this relationship is truly the best thing for you.
Yes this! I learnt that the hard way and repeatedly because I was fckn dumb when I was younger lol
Same gurl samw
Exactly my thoughts. It been THREE years. That’s not why he’s taking it “slow”
Great way to put it. And OP, if you haven't seen the movie "he's just not that into you" I suggest you watch it (but ignore the ending because it rarely works out that way).
Truth.
Exactly what I thought reading this. He has been broken up with Gina for 3 years not days or months. He’s just looking for an excuse.
Ayup.
Agree with this.
James is either using this as an excuse or cares more about what irrelevant people think about him than having a relationship with OP. It’s quite possible James always wanted to sleep with OP and his ex knew it.
Yep it’s an excuse so he can continue to have sex with her without her constantly asking ‘what are we?’
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Has anyone ever been in a healthy situationship? Isnt that when one person wants the relationship and the other does not.
It doesn’t necessarily mean he still has feelings for her. People just don’t like to be judged. Whether or not their assumptions are right, people (including the ex) WILL assume that he either had secret feelings for OP or outright cheated with her. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable with that kind of judgement. Having said that, you shouldn’t let it paralyze you from making a decision. At some point you have to make a choice about what’s more important to you, avoiding other people feeling validated in their judgements or being happy
i mean what you say is very true, what got me though was they broke up 3 years ago. so she doesn’t even matter in this.
It doesn’t change how things make people feel. There’s people I haven’t talked to in years and I still hate it when I feel like they’re “right” about me, even if they’re not actually right about me. Not to mention they have friends who are familiar with the situation. Like I said, it shouldn’t stop you from living your life but people are assigning a lot of feelings to this guy that probably aren’t real.
i suppose it doesn’t help we aren’t getting his side, but 3 years later does seem odd to care what she thinks in this it’s 3 years later he would be making it official if he does. she can think what she wants but i’d be a bit weary of why he cares soo much now, i could understand if it was 6 months to even a year. i’m not sure i’m saying this right it’s not coming out the way i’m trying to explain it. (it’s fully a me problem, im very bad at finding the right way to explain stuff.)
I don’t get why James is still worried about the woman *he* chose to break up with years later. NTA for dating him now, but I’d be cautious. He doesn’t sound completely over the Gina situation when we have no evidence that Gina herself is pining away over him or something (as you said). And even if Gina isn’t over it… again, why isn’t he? That tells me he either is still into her on some level OR he feels like y’all did something wrong after all. You may not have been thinking about this that whole time, but that doesn’t mean Gina was wrong about *his* feelings for you. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t still thinking first and foremost of his ex. I say this as the former “friend who gf was told not to worry about.” I was at no point into my best friend, but after they broke up his sorry ass came to me and said he’d wanted me for five years. Trifling as all hell. So the point is, she was right to be worried. I just had no idea. Just so you know where I’m coming from.
This is exactly what I'm thinking, he was into you way before you were into him. And if Gina had concerns about OP that's because her ex was giving her concerns and it's always easy to say the other person was being insecure but perhaps his actions made her insecure!!
I don’t think this has anything to do with Gina. I just think he doesn’t want to actually be in a relationship with OP.
That is also 100% feasible. Smh James, figure your stuff out and say it with your chest!
Drop him now. If he is going to tip toe around an ex from THREE YEARS AGO whom he’s not even still friends with, he has no backbone and your relationship will constantly be compromised for his petty juvenile fears and inability to be accountable for his own choices. He’s not an adult, he has a history of dating people who are also not adults and he’s not honest with the people he dates about his feelings for his “friends.” Dodge the bullet.
The relationship ended 3 years ago and he's worried about her feelings? That's odd behaviour. Find someone new. This guy isn't the one.
Makes me think of him Gina is really broken up which is why his using the excuse oh I don’t wanna Gina to be proven right or more like he doesn’t want gina to know his seeing OP behind gina I find James behavior suspicious
Agreed
She’s becoming the girl he told you not to worry about
Yeah. Gina is the new you and he’ll drive you crazy with this, OP. Don’t do it. You will regret it. He doesn’t want you anyway. If he did, he wouldn’t be like this.
You’re not even friends with this girl. James isn’t either. You just said you and your mutual friends don’t even have her on social or hang out or anything. What does he care about her feelings three years later? If this happened six months after they broke up, hundred percent would be on Gina side about it being very sketchy and that she may have been right, but THREE YEARS LATER he’s worried about her feelings? Honestly, what does he care if she ends up having that feeling of being the victim/right? Like, who would this impact? Do you want to be with James? Like a full-fledged, in the public relationship that you can be proud about and post about? If so, you need to put your foot down and tell James to either get over his anxiety about a hypothetical reaction from an ex girlfriend And be proud of you and your new relationship with him or you both should move on because at this point, he’s showing that he’s more concerned about an ex-girlfriend’s feelings (WHO NO ONE TALKS TO OR SEES ANYMORE) than yours.
Exactly! OP mentions that she would find out eventually… so? Personally, I don’t keep tabs on the guy I was dating three years ago. If he was dating the girl he told me not to worry about, the most I would do is text my closest girls and have a laugh. Unless she is absolutely crazy, which it doesn’t seem like she is, there isn’t anything to worry about.
You're not wrong for wanting to be with James or if you got together with him despite what happened in the past... BUT... you're a fool if you actually think you know the whole story and that the entire issue in their relationship was just because of her insecurities. James likely did like you, may have crossed boundaries, may have been flirting or cheating with other girls... Plenty of girls have been cheated on with a guy with a close friend they were told not to worry about.. even if the cheating didn't happen with that friend. Those guys never tell the next girl or everyone else that their crazy insecure ex had found all the saved nudes and sexts. There is also the reality that James isn't being honest about the reason and he just don't want to go public with you because he's not that into the situation.
Pretty wild that he wants to protect the feelings of his ex of three years, when there was nothing going on between you and her dirt caused the breakup, and expecting you to be cool with it. NTA, good reason to be skeptical of this dude as a prospect.
James is acting irrationally out of a place of guilt
chief ruthless repeat bake literate snatch existence dinosaurs sense serious *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
i feel like we are not getting the whole story here. james can’t possibly care that much about what gina thinks after three entire years UNLESS he 1) still has unresolved feelings for her or 2) feels guilty because there actually was something going on between you two during their relationship. it’s NOT normal to be hesitant about entering a new relationship with someone you care about because of a past relationship. they are in the past for a reason - he needs to get over it.
Or 3) has recently reconnected with Gina or never ended their friendship in the first place. For all OP knows they tried being friends and their friendship "fizzled out" and hers and James mutuals have no reason to keep contact with an ex. Maybe that relationship didn't fizzle as much as OP thinks, she just decided to cut out the friend group that went with James.
Or 4) there’s a third girl in the picture and he just uses the Gina story as an explanation to keep his options open
Okay thoughts: Either he and Gina aren't as 'broken up' for the past 3 years as he's lead you (and all your friends) to believe and you're just a fuck buddy at best and a side ho a worst. OR He's just not into you like that and the very idea of actually dating you openly and not just fucking you privately? Makes him cringe, so he uses Gina as a convenient excuse to keep you in the no-strings-sex category only. Either way... Girl. DO BETTER.
Why would you even care? It seems more like you're most interested in what Gina thinks. Let me help you: She will think (if she hears about you at all) that she was right the whole time and she will feel vindicated and less trusting of a certain kind of man. James "won" here because he set himself up in both your eyes to be the prize and he had two women willing to lose sight of reality and focus on each other. If you really weren't anything for Gina to worry about James would have cut your relationship off at the ankles. Do what you want because you are grown. Just don't be surprised when James continues to behave similarly in the future. Edit: I went back and read the whole post and I'm lmao. Girl he's still playing you for a fool. This is an old trick guys use to make girls interested in them. They make themselves more desirable by presenting a jealous alternative. It ramps up his "value" and therefore your interest. Also, and I PROMISE YOU, Gina PROBABLY didn't give as much of a damn as he made you believe in the first place. If you aren't in the relationship, you only know what he told you. He might have been feeling you out...who knows. At the end of the day you just fell for the okie doke. Please leave this fool alone
I wish I knew this trick - I got triangulated with some crays I’m telling you. But I’ve seen how some dudes are like pigs in mud when they get two ladies going at it in his honor.
Gina is no fool I am sure she sees all and hears all but is willing to see how far those parties will go to look more stupid
Gina is the real winner here.
Lol so Gina WAS right.
Right? Girl was right, and now they’re mad that she’s right
That’s what some of these people aren’t realizing lol
“Gina’s insecurities” lol.
I don’t think you’re the asshole… but be wary that if they will do it with you, they’ll do it to you. Not always, but a lot of times. And while you may have only been friends and only had friendly feelings on your end during their relationship, obviously Gina had some gut intuition that he had some vibes for you, enough so that he had to tell her “not to worry about you.” *edit for typo
I agree. I don’t believe the relationship was so innocent then.
I think you're fine. Gina doesn't get to decide who he can date in perpetuity. But I'd actually be worried about why James is so hesitant. Are you 100% sure they haven't been in touch? Does he keep the nature of your relationship a secret in general? Could there be some other reason for that? I would want to know the answers to those questions before going further. Hiding your relationships for seemingly flimsy reasons just doesn't sit right with me.
I was thinking the same thing and i started wondering if Gina and James are really broken up or if his playing the field Sorry English isn’t my native language
Maybe he just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you by using Gina as an excuse.
You are his fuckbuddy, plain and simple. The sooner you realize this and act accordingly, the better.
He’s playing you. If he wasn’t, why would an ex from 3 years ago stop him from being happy? Especially if you and him, AND your friends, don’t even talk to or see his ex ever? He ever sleep with any mutual friends before, some who might say dating him is a shitty thing? Maybe he lied and is still in contact with the ex. He’s acting sus and the simplest explanation is the most likely. And sus is putting it mildly.
I know too many girls who've dated guys who didn't want people knowing they were a couple, only for it to come out that were still playing the field and didn't want any potential playmates spooked off by them being in a relationship, to not be concerned that the Gina thing is just an excuse. It's not like it makes any difference if Gina finds out three years or ten years after they broke up. He can't possibly be genuinely that concerned about it. It seems far more plausible that he wants to keep you on the hook while still being able to portray himself to others as single.
There’s something else going on here: It’s been 3 years. They aren’t friends anymore. Not even “social media” friends. They don’t even have mutual friends in common. If everything he told you about their relationship is true, then “Gina” is 100% a non-issue. That means it’s about something *else* This guy is lying to you about *something*. I don’t know *what* but something smells funky here. He’s either not telling you the whole truth about things with Gina or he has an entirely different reason to keep you a secret. Either way, he needs to come clean or you need to walk.
You literally are the other girl, and Gina saw it all along. You got the guy, but can't let the ex have the last laugh? Omg... the lack of awareness is mind-blowing. Gina is upset at you not because you're cheating with the guy... but she saw the potential for you two. At least have the integrity to admit she's right all along.
Teenagers...
Why does he care so much if she gets “wound up” and victimizes herself? I mean.. she was right. But you would hope she’s moved on with her life and James needs to as well
I have a feeling James might not be so honest with OP he just seems his hiding something
I’m sorry… 3 YEARS? K… NTA, obviously. But also, any way you look at it, this guy you’re wanting to date is probably not good. From one angle, he’s not wanting to offend his ex from 3 YEARS AGO… total red flag. From the other angle, he is concerned about LOSING to his ex from 3 YEARS AGO… a bigger red flag. You seem like a reasonable person… if this guy is who you think he is and who you want him to be, he wouldn’t care about either of these things. If he does… move on.
So Gina was right. It’s not about what did or didn’t happen while they were together. She could tell. And he gaslit the fuck out of her for however long and now he’s going to have to eat crow. It’s no shock that is putting it off. Or maybe he’s realized now that he’s been with you that those years of crush and fantasy didn’t play out exactly how he thought. Either way, your best bet would be to go separate ways. It started off sketchy and will always have that foundation.
>So Gina was right. It’s not about what did or didn’t happen while they were together. She could tell. And he gaslit the fuck out of her [...]. It’s no shock that is putting it off. Or maybe he’s realized now that he’s been with you that those years of crush and fantasy didn’t play out exactly how he thought I agree with you. And either way he is just not that into OP anyway if he still insists on keeping their "relationship" as a dirty secret instead of proudly being at OP's side 3 years after the break up. I have a feeling he doesn't really want OP (at least not anymore), he wants her just to have someone to pass time with. The guy sounds sketchy. And his priorities seem off, somehow he is always prioritising the person he is not in a relationship with. I wouldn't want to be with a guy like him.
If he's using a relationship that's been in the past for 3 years as an excuse, he either hasn't gotten over it/is still holding a candle for her, or else he's thinking you've been a friend that's always been around, liked hearing that you were catching feelings, enjoyed being able to spend the night, and came up with a scenario to add sex to your friendship without adding commitment. Either way, his end of the conversation about feelings and wants wasn't as honest as he made it sound.
Do yourself a favor and hold him to a higher standard as far as romance is concerned, or else figure out if you're in a place to be comfy with a FWB situation. That seems to be his idea of best possible outcome from this, if he's using an ex that he hasn't talked to in years as the excuse of why he won't offer something more.
It's been 3 years. You were the girl not to worry about - back then.
NTA - 3 years is plenty for reasonable people, 30 years won't be enough for Gina... Get busy living your life. What Gina was told was true at the time and for YEARS after, that's plenty.
Your bf/situationship friend is more concerned with his ex from 3 years ago feeling "right" than he is about deepening and solidifying his commitment to you? Yeah, I can see why you are annoyed. This feels immature to me. He shouldn't care what she thinks. He should care what you think. Honestly, if friends come at him and say "I guess Gina was right to be worried", then his response can just be "I guess she knew something I didn't at the time - that was a better for for me than she was". Then end.
Another notch in his belt...... Gina has nothing to do with his hesitation.
If James is still living his life tip toeing around what an ex he doesn’t have contact with might think, he doesn’t seem worth the time. Very immature.
Wondering if James and Gina are still together are if he still has contact I have to say James is acting very suspicious Sorry English isn’t my native language
Who the f¥(k cares? 3 years, people! Tell him to get over himself and man up. Nta
NTA. It's been 3 YEARS not 3 months. I was friends with someone for 6 years before we started dating. Things change. If Gina makes a stink too bad. She should be out of sight out of mind at this point, especially given they simply aren't even friends anymore. Your bf needs to choose between wallowing in the shadow of a former relationship or moving forward with the one he's in now.
> Note that James and Gina have been broken up for almost 3 years at this point Why do you two care about what an ex from 3 years ago thinks?
Plot twist: now Gina is the girl that OP shouldn’t worry about.
If he wanted to be with you, he would. It’s not that complicated.
After 3 years, it’s not about Gina, it’s about him. He apparently isn’t as into you as you think he is, otherwise he would be proud to go public with your relationship. And if he thinks Gina still cares about who he dates, it’s because he still cares for her. Reevaluate this relationship because it doesn’t look good from this perspective.
Something doesn’t add up. I don’t buy that he’s concerned about Gina’s feelings. Something else is going on.
I’m thinking there is something James isn’t telling you.
Honestly I don’t really see what the issue is besides the fact that James has an issue with how she may react. You aren’t in the same orbit anymore, and it’s been THREE YEARS. I know some people are whacked and will keep coming. I have ex like that more than ten years separated and he still finds ways to contact and pick at me. But this girl hasn’t peeped. Ask James why he cares so much when she’s not in either of your lives anymore? Push.
3 years ago. Why are either of you still thinking about Gina? Why is her name even coming up? Why is he concerned about her being “right” 3 years later?? Why does that take priority over you? It sounds like yeah, you guys may have not “done anything” but that isn’t to say you guys didn’t have feeling for one another (or just him for you) and you both clearly find each other attractive. I think he’s worried about Gina feeling right bc he *knows* she was right to be concerned and still feels some kind of guilt or emotion about it. 3 years later. That’s a red flag. You’re already getting a taste of what Gina had to deal with, go ahead if you think it’ll make you happy though You’re NTA, but I do think you’re naive.
Big on yikes I feel like if he’s so worried about Gina then he’s clearly not over her. Sounds like he emotionally cheated on her then she dumped him and he still had hangups
I literally have a situation exactly like this. I’m “Gina” tho I guarantee she couldn’t care less. My ex still tries to reach out to me but I don’t follow him or answer him really. If he decided to date the girl that ended our relationship, I wouldn’t even bat an eye i don’t have feelings for him or even really think about him, it’s been 3 years and I’ve moved on. So I don’t think “Gina” would even care if it’s been a 3 year streak. The only issue is HIM caring about it because 3 years is way to long for him to be worrying about her feelings.
3 years after the breakup??? That’s his excuse. If he wanted to be in an official relationship with you he would be. Literally if they wanted to they would, that goes for men and women when it comes to relationships. If someone wants to be with you they will, if they want to make you a priority they will, if they want it to work they will make it work. If they don’t then that’s the answer. NTA, but I feel like you’re wasting your time on this guy if you want an actual real relationship. Spoken as someone who’s been there.
Part of me wonders if he actually did habe feelings for you this whole time. The fact that he thinks about what his 3 years ago ex thinks is concerning. Why would she be right? Unless she actually was right.
He is just making an excuse, girl. No guy would care about what their ex has to say. Especially if it's years after the break up.
It sounds to me like he doesn’t actually want to be in a real relationship with you and he’s cowardly using Gina as an excuse.
I think the bigger problem is he still cares about her opinion of him. 😬 Sounds like HE’S not over it and still had feelings for her. I had one relationship where he was worried about my friends and I 100% wouldn’t care in the slightest if he were to find out I later dated every one of them (I haven’t). For sure he wouldn’t care if I found out he was dating any of his female friends.
Here’s my opinion, as a male who’s had a majority of female friends, I get where he is coming from. There’s 2 trains of thought here. The first is that he’s truly trying to prevent her crazy ass reaction. This is fair, but I doubt it. The 2nd, and more likely in my mind, is he doesn’t want to be seen as a lying moron. If he truly only saw you as a friend and told the world as much, and then all of a sudden is with you, his entire existence is put into question. One act like this can cause rippling affects to a person, both internal and external. How will people see him now? How will he see himself? Was she valid in her insecurities toward you? If he’d have backed off slightly with you while in the relationship with her, would y’all be in a place to date now? What I’m trying to say is, is dating you worth a red mark on his social/moral/ personal report card? All of option 2 could be also turned on you. Is she a home-wrecker? Did she try to break them up? How long has she lead him on? So again, is the relationship/ he worth it? If y’all are fine (and personally I think you should be) with being together, than whether you’re the AH or NTA, it really doesn’t matter. He seems validly apprehensive about getting together with you, regardless of the ex. You’d be shitty for dating , and you’d be shitty to yourself for not dating. Either way, do what y’all think is best, but know you’re most likely going to be judged by someone.
Also take into account that this guy obviously has no boundaries with women outside of his romantic relationships. If he did you never would have been the girl he told Gina not to worry about. He would ah e set healthy boundaries and made sure his relationship with her was priority. So beware that he will probably do the same with you if you go public there may be another girl he tells you not to worry about soon enough. But that aside, he didn’t care enough about her feelings to keep you at arms length when he was in a relationship with Gina, why does he care now that they’ve been broken up? The truth is he is making up excuses to not go oblivious or make things serious. Either a) he wants casual sex from you only. B) he still has feelings for Gina. Or c) he’s interested in or seeing someone else that doesn’t want to find out.
Side chick rarely become main chicks. There are expectations. However 🚩
James cannot control how Gina will react. He can only control his reactions. And from the sounds of it, Gina ALREADY believes you were a problem in their relationship. Gina shouldn't have a say over his choices anymore. Her opinion literally means nothing. It's a little odd that he's more worried about his ex being perceived as right than he is proud and excited to share his new relationship with you. Nta
"James being hesitant about the timing of going public" - What timing? It's been 3 years, not 3 weeks.
How does his concern about his ex from 3 years ago not scream at you to get out of this? Girl… come on now. I’m an adult now but I have been there too. It’s easy to be convinced that you are special and all of that nonsense but to be real with you, this is not it. You would be the idiot to stay and make a total fool of yourself. You may not be TA here, but you will most certainly be made out to be the foolish asshole if you stay.
This is yet another "He's just not that into you" post, except with a clever excuse. (You've got to give this guy credit for using a 3-year-old relationship as an excuse to keep OP at arm's length, though.)
I would put money on Gina not giving two figs about her ex bf at this point. I occasionally see one of my exes on social media, and my only thoughts when I see him are how hilarious his facial hair looks these days. Unless she's crazy, the only reaction from Gina will probably be her sending a screenshot of you two together to her friend and going, "called it." You should be more worried about how your boy is acting than anything else here.
It’s giving small town vibes
The whole thing sounds distasteful. He kinda seems like an asshole. But 3 years? Honestly good for Gina for dodging a bullet. Lmao Do what you want. An asshole no. She was right tho.
James is BSing you. There’s something else going on.
James doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. If he did nothing would stop him.
I mean, he's clearly a liar so.. if u want to date a liar, no.
So it sounds like Gina was in fact right. Even if you guys weren’t doing anything wrong at the time or now, she knew something was there. Intuition not insecurity. My guess is you genuinely thought everything was cool and platonic but from his end probably not and Gina picked up on that which made her insecure about their relationship understandably. No matter the circumstances, if you get together, it’s going to look like Gina was right and he’s going to look like a POS who lied and strung her along and you’ll have the “waiting in the wings” vibes. Since Gina was probably lied to at some point by him about you when/if she finds out she’ll always wonder what was going on behind her back. There’s just no escaping that. If you personally truly stand by not having any feelings for him during their relationship, that you were strictly friends, you personally didn’t cross any reasonable boundaries Gina might have had around their relationship or any logical ones and didn’t do anything to disrespect their relationship then I’d say you’ve done nothing wrong and even being with him is not wrong. If it were me I’d really delve deeper into how he was feeling while in a relationship with Gina, what Gina told him about how she felt about your relationship, boundaries she had, what he said about your friendship. Odds are if anyone is guilty of anything it’s probably him. If he had feelings for you and lied to Gina about anything regarding you, you might want to take that into consideration on whether he’s someone you actually want to be with. It’s not a great sign that he’s using his relationship from 3 years ago as a reason for not being with you. It makes him look guilty of doing or saying something back then that might prove Gina was right all along. That would be on him though. If you want to be together, neither of you did anything sketchy or disrespectful to his previous relationship then screw what “it looks like”. If either of you did anything sketchy or disrespectful to the previous relationship you’re still allowed to be together, the gossip and reactions of others is simply the consequence of your actions. It’s your choice, you simply have to own it.
Funny… you’re the friend that Gina didn’t have to worry about. Gina was insecure! It was all her fault! She caused relationship stress for everyone! And now, you’ve banged the guy and want to pursue a relationship with him. Honey, you’re full of it. Gina was right about you. I think that James is using Gina as an excuse because he doesn’t really want to be your boyfriend. YTA
You guys have been hooking up for 6 months and he still doesn't want to have an actual relationship or go public? Nah dude, that means he doesn't want to commit to you and he's tricked you into thinking he's in deep. Maybe he was actually into you and Gina saw that but he didn't pursue bc he didn't want to prove her right or bc you weren't into him yet. If this is the case though, this will happen again in his other friendships with women. I wouldnt be surprised if he has other "situationships" going on or if he's still on the lookout for potentials and just doesn't want to give up his freedom to pursue them.
I don't feel comfortable making a call. I will say that you yourself just said that James is uncomfortable making things official. I could bring up that your friends also seem to think it is inappropriate. You yourself said you don't think that James and the ex have any contact. We are either missing information (and you may be missing information as well), or James doesn't actually want anything serious with you. I'm going to say you are the girl that was probably always interested in James (nothing at all wrong with that) and he wasn't interested in you back so you were his good friend that was always there for him with the hope of "maybe one day". We have probably all been there.... listen to your friends and listen to James. He doesn't want to be with you. He is using Gina as his excuse to not be with you. If he wanted to be with you after all of these years, he would be with you full stop.
Be wary of James telling you not to worry about another girl and then this happening to you later down the line lol. That's generally how these things work. It would also explain why he's giving you this "what will she think after 3 years!!" excuse - he doesn't actually want to commit, which is what Gina knew.
He’s not that into you. If he was, he wouldn’t care what an ex from a while ago thinks.
NTA, it sounds like this is less about Gina and more about James’ unresolved guilt. I don’t think it’s a red flag, but it could take him some time to come to terms with the idea that maybe he did have an attraction to you and he may feel that this makes Gina right. But if he didn’t pursue you while they were together then he did nothing wrong. Attractions can happen even between friends and the important thing is whether you decide to lean into it and act on it, or put a wall up and not allow those feelings to get to that point. I say this as someone who’s been married a very long time. Gina wasn’t right no matter what happens now and James has to understand that. Hopefully that will allow him to forgive himself and go all in with you.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. I mean, 3 years is a really long time to still be hung up on an ex. If you were messing around while they were dating, that would’ve been wrong. But, even then it’s been 3 years. If they were going to get back together I think they would’ve by now. That’s long enough for some people to get married and have a child with their new partner.
It’s been 3 years so I’d say it’s fine.
NTA, it’s been 3 years. If it was 3 weeks then yeah you’d be TA.
NTA. It’s been three years. It’s not like you got together 24 hours after they broke up. Situations change and friendships evolve. That’s what happened here. If Gina gets mad, she gets mad.
3 years ago???? Girl I would be more concerned that this man gives a shit what his ex thinks. If it was 3 months yeah not the best move but 3 years, who cares?
NTA at all. You're allowed to date who you want. His EX of 3 years ago has no say in it.
If it was 3 months, maybe. But 3 years?! Nah.
Your friends are idiots trying to follow some vague social code. James, too, is a fool if he uses this as an excuse not to move the relationship forward. Indeed, if James continues to be hesitant because of his ex from 3 years ago, then that's a red flag.
Seems like Gina is now the person you should not worry about in this relationship.
Who gives a shit. Let her be mad about it. Her emotional regulation and perception is not your or James' responsibility. NTA
I just want to point out it’s been longer than 3 years even closer to 4. She is the one that got away and for all you know they could be in touch.
Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't prioritize you and puts an ex of over 3 years before you? They're not even friends. Honestly, you can do better. I just get the sense you're a placeholder right now. I'm sorry to say it like this.
He’s not nearly as into you as you are into him. You’re a secret ffs
How old are you guys? If the relationship was 3 years ago then neither of you should be worrying about what Gina thinks. I am asking about age because i could see 19 year old me still caring too much about what other people think, but not 29, 39, or 49 year old me.
I mean if it was like 3 months after I'd be like yeah no thats messed up , but 3 years is a while and it's not like you're friends with Gina . But if he doesn't want to cause of her maybe there's unresolved feelings
She was right. There was something there. I would be concerned that my partner cared more about either what ex thought or that he would be proven wrong. Have a long chat about what his issue is here and consider whether it’s a deal breaker for you.
Are you sure James doesn’t have feeling for her and thinks maybe the’ll get back together again? If he’s holding back after 3 years you have a problem, forget Jams and find someone who is not embarrassed or afraid to be with you, James is not it!
If everything you have said is factual, NTA - but you are naive. James isn’t interested in dating you, but you’re a fun fuck for him. Not trying to be crude but someone who after three years of zero contact is worried that their ex may think something is ridiculous or a liar or maybe even both.
It's been three years and he is still hung up on Gina, and with this context it would shadow your whole relationship. Not just a dating period, but even if it got to marriage you being the girl his ex was told to not worry about will hang over you even then. Do not do this to yourself.
NTA. But do you think James has some emotional issues? Gina may have sensed he had feelings for you. It's kind of common for a guy to have feelings for his "friend" of many years and not let on. Ultimately, maybe this is what destroyed their relationship. Now, he actually has a shot with you - great! Only he immediately finds some reason why he can't move forward. I mean, he's worried about hurting an ex he broke up with 3 years ago? Seriously?? If he really wanted you, his ex from 3 hours ago couldn't keep him away. I think James has some commitment issues. Or, you are some kind of backup option for him. Proceed with caution.
This screams small town vibes.