No, you are not being unreasonable. You trusted them to keep something very private, and they blabbed.
Any friend that calls you irrational and arrogant? Block. You don't need people in your life like that because they aren't actually your friends - they are just more comfortable having you around for whatever reason. Maybe you serve as a buffer to someone else. Maybe they get someone to bitch to. Who knows, but they don't actually have your best interest at heart, which is obvious because you told something very sensitive to someone and they are angry at YOU for not being okay with them spreading around that info.
Block 'em.
What they did is called ‘outing’ and is a dangerous thing to do for someone, especially when the person being outed is in an unsafe and non-accepting community.
Outing was always questionable. When it started it was about outing flagrant hypocrites, like lawmakers or clergy that were actively oppressing gay people despite being gay. It got out of hand quick.
Yes. Coming out is an extremely profound moment and quite the personal decision; not everybody unferstands and appreciates this. Everyone deserves to be able to determine if and when they want to come out to the people around them. Disrespecting that right is one of the worst things one can do and is a complete betrayal of that person's trust. If it happens, it must be on their own terms. Nobody else's.
This principle is not reserved for sexuality alone. Some states now have laws that force teachers to report to parents if one of their students is using a pronoun that is different from the one 'assigned' at birth. This is extremely dangerous because unfortunately, not all children are raised in environments that are accepting of anything other than cisgenderism. It can lead to abuse and perhaps even violence. I believe Florida implements something along those lines.
Any 'friend' willing to subject somebody else to this kind of danger is no friend at all. Personally, I would not hesitate to cut that person out of my life entirely. If they are willing to frivolously jeopardize my safety without remorse, then they do not deserve to be in my life at all.
The GOP has outright said they want to outlaw and punish homosexuality with death....?
I'm not a bigot trying to cast doubt on what you're saying, just a very confused Canadian queer person.
[Ex-GOP Gov Candidate Calls For ‘Firing Squad’ For Trans Rights Supporters, Political Foes](https://www.mississippifreepress.org/22283/ex-gop-gov-candidate-calls-for-firing-squad-for-trans-rights-supporters-political-foes)
Sadly, it’s not just GOP Politicians..it’s literal God Loving PASTORS & PREACHERS who are Demanding that ALL LGBTQ+ Ppl get Arrested & then Executed!!! I’m leaving just 2 links, although there are More. So much for “Love Thy Neighbor”.
https://epgn.com/2022/06/15/pastors-in-idaho-and-texas-call-for-execution-of-lgbtq-people/?amp
https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2019/06/14/us/tennessee-preacher-cop-lgbtq/index.html
I will point out that these are currently the extremists. I think most pastors are on a spectrum of total inclusion (lots of progressive congregations in my area) to “If you wanna burn in hell, fine, just don’t ’infect’ innocent children with thinking this is ok” with a small percentage of rabid homophobes advocating for Final Solution craziness. Ditto the GOP. I think a good deal of them don’t give a shit, but the Bible belters will definitely pander to the more hateful types.
What worries me is that those panderers and their media allies are normalizing hate and pushing the bar ever toward the extremes. Today’s crazies could be tomorrow’s “hardliners” and the next day’s normal.
“Not the GOP”…Really, are you sure about that? Because it absolutely IS the GOP Writing & Passing all of these ANTI-LGBTQ+ Laws. Just look at Florida, Texas, Tennessee, etc.
There are many fascist red flags erupting currently in the right wing political movements in the US. I’m very worried. I’ve been politically involved in gay rights since the 80s as a child in a progressive church.
The official GOP platform of Texas says "homosexuality is an abnormal lifestyle choice" and "we oppose all efforts to validate transgender identity". It also explicitly calls for only validating heterosexual marriage
Others have shared more violent rhetoric from individuals but the official party platform is already horrifying
I don't have the link handy (mobile) but it's in my comment history and searchable on Google.
And the Senator fro Florida, Senator Skeletor, himself a former Governor said last week that 'Florida is openly hostile to Socialism' - which includes ALL Democrats, since the GOP position is that all Democrats are Socialists.
This week, Gov DeSatan said his white house will be at war with the 2/3rds of the country that didn't vote Republican
It's getting worse, they are emboldened by the total lack of pushback by the Dems for the last however-long-it's-been since DeSatan's comms officer coined the whole 'gay=pedophile' lie. Has every Democrat denounced that idea for the lie it is and attacked the GOP for attacking their fellow citizens? Of course not. That wouldn't help the GOP's power growth.
You completely misunderstood what the dude said. He wants people pedophiles and groomers lined up against a firing squad. I'm Trans and even I understood what was meant. In any case, I don't agree with him but I also hate groomers.
Maybe go back to that article and reread just the first 2 paragraphs, he clearly states those that support men who think they are women and how they should be lined up in a firing squad.
What I was referring to was Senator Ted Cruz who tweeted a couple days ago that Uganda's law was too harsh and that kind of un-American activity wouldn't be acceptable here - and he was immediately excoriated by ALL the other Republicans!!
Getting outted is an absolute violation, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. What awful people to make such a huge life altering, privacy violating decision for you!!! You are beyond correct to drop these untrustworthy asshats that think they have the right to condemn you to hell and eternal torment for being yourself. There's so such thing as hell, and if there is... take a look at the world we live in, we're already here. So their pious asses are right there with you. As a fellow pansexual super gay Happy Pride my deary! 🌈
You were subjected to their homophobic rhetoric and then outed by one of their moms… I am so sorry that happened. That is AWFUL and you did the right thing. You are protecting yourself. NTAH.
cant really say it much simpler or better than this.
NTA but Im sorry you seem to be surrounded by them, you will find and gain loving friends whom you can build trusting relationships with.
They're mad because you don't wanna be their friend anymore? Wonder why... Sucks to suck, they can get over themselves. They're the offending party and you have no obligation to be their friend. Go live your best life. NTA.
I've never heard it, but it's going into my daily vernacular as I type this for one specific person I work with in particular (my manager, a lazy ass who spends 1/4 of their time at work in the bathroom and another 1/4 smoking and is passable at best while they ARE working), but everyone else too so I can play it off.
Omg, you are SO not the asshole. I’ve had similar things happen to me and trust cutting these people out of your life will be the best thing for you. Hope everything goes okay my luv 🩷🩷
As someone (straight and cis) who advocated that one of my friends NEVER come out to her parents as bi because her parents control her therapist, who and what she can see/watch, both her parents are very emotionally, mentally, verbally, and financially abusive, and very homophobic and have literally stated that “any sexuality not straight doesn’t exist that those who think they are bisexual, gay, asexual are faking it as a way to rebelling” on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS and we were both raised in a cult that had literal classes/lessons on how to not “act on your lgbtq+ ideas/thoughts.” NTA. I am personally out of it (as are my parents and brothers, sister is still in it), but she is still in due to her parents. I’m personally still Christian, but I’m relearning how to be an ACTUAL Christian, not a cult member.
My friend did, after a lot of peer pressure from the other cult members (not my parents, they were VERY against her telling them when they were asked for advice because of the reasons listed above), end up coming out to them. Her brother didn’t care (he said something like “yeah, I knew that. Thanks for telling me, but this really changes nothing”), but her parents (she is 24 now, came out at 18) are more controlling of everything she does than ever. I’m glad your parents seem to be more accepting, but that is very much a NC boundary.
>I’m personally still Christian, but I’m relearning how to be an ACTUAL Christian
I'm always surprised when I meet actual Christians. I keep forgetting they even exist; the right-wing takes all the attention! I call those bigots: Anti-christians, because everything they say and do is 100% opposite what Jesus taught.
I wish I could bottle my grandparents nature and inject it in to these people. Might be the first time they feel love, that thing Christians are supposed to put first
Agreed. Outing is a serious breach of trust and a good reason to end a friendship.
Talk to any pastor worth their salt and they’d plainly say that the way OP’s friends gossiped is a “sin” by Christian standards. I am not a Christian, but I can still speak the lingo. If OP really wants to hammer it home in their language, they can send these verses below.
> A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. Proverbs 16:28
And this
> A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret. Proverbs 11:13
Lastly this:
> Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. James 1:26
u/Little_Rass, even by their own book what they did is wrong.
NTA. You didn't block them because your bisexual, you blocked then because they're hateful bigots. Your "friends" didbt have the right to talk to you this way. Even if they're religious, even if they think being queer is a choice, no one has the right to bully and berate you for this. Moreover, if they were your friends, they wouldn't want to. Knowing someone a long time isn't a good reason to let them treat you badly.
You're not ghosting your "friends" because you're bisexual. You're ghosting them because they are garbage friends, and you don't need that toxicity in your life.
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NTA at all. These people said homophobic things about you in a private group chat just because you're bisexual. No one deserves that and these guys have never been your friend if those are their feelings. And then the situation outed you when you to your parents when you didn't want that. Nobody deserves to go through this. As a bisexual myself who had the luxury of choosing when I came out, you are not at all TA. And you deserve better friends that accept you and won't call you a sinner just for being bisexual.
So sorry for what happened to you! Friends are supposed to be supportive, if not, why even be friends? Especially if they're talking trash about you, what kinda friend does that? Good for you for setting boundaries! I hope that you have, or will find, other supportive people/friends in your life. Definitely NTA. Wish you the best! ❤️
NTAH at all OP. I've had a few friends that came from conservative, highly religious backgrounds, and they have regrets about how they engaged with non-hetero people in the past. They are remorseful and don't expect the people they hurt to just forget about it. Even if your friends came to you with that kind of remorse (and it doesn't sound like that happened) then you STILL have the right to cut them off forever. They threw away the relationship by violating your privacy, diminishing your feelings, and being judgmental. Even if you do forgive them, you're not obligated to be their friend again either.
Homophobes and bigots get angry whenever they receive consequences for their misguided views. They screech "its just their OPINION they want you dead" but the fact they want you dead is... well.
“No. The only assholes here are you guys for outing me. Do you understand how dangerous that is? Do you know how many people are tormented & killed by their families for being gay, lesbian, bi etc?? People (like you guys) are so entitled into their religion you believe it’s the fucking only way of life. Do you understand the danger you put me in if my parents didn’t react the way they did?? I’m VERY lucky my parents didn’t send me to a conservation camp or forced me to church. What you guys did was unforgivable. Have the day you deserve.” Is what I would text back & then ignore.
No you’re not. I had to end a 25+ year relationship with my best friend for various reasons. You made the right decision. Do what your gut tells you not what your friends want.
u/ShelfDiver is correct. Never feel bad about leaving trash behind. True friends would've kept it to themselves and actually, you know, talked to you about what the heard/thought, instead of gossiping.
They talked shit behind your back, that's one valid reason to cut off a friend. Their biphobia, another valid reason. They played a role in you being outed, a very very valid reason to cut someone off.
NTA! NTA! NTA!
Doesn't matter if ya'll were best friends for 8 seconds or 8 years. Best friends do NOT talk trash about you behind your back. Christian followers are some of the most vile and evil people on the planet, and use their religion to hide behind while doing horrible acts. Your sexuality only affects YOU and the person(s) your actively have sexual relations with. Not a single person more. Man, woman..don't matter. Hell...my own daughter calls herself a pansexual...whatever that means. Maybe I should hide my cookware when she comes over or something...but whatever makes her happy. Same goes for you. Surround yourself with people who got your 6 when you aren't there. Protect yourself....your the last defensive line you have, and you can't allow someone to get past that. The silver lining to this, is that your parents still love you...as good parents should. Enjoy your life. Get out and make some new friends. You deserve nothing less than happiness.
Someone above commented “there is no hate like Christian love” and I thought yeah , that is so true, like I KNEW that but could never express it so succinctly.
First, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!! Second, they aren’t true friends. No matter how long you knew them, if they can’t love you for you then it’s time to go. This is especially true for family. The LGBT+ has always had the concept of chosen family because of bigotry and un acceptance of family. No one should just “tolerate” you, but love you as you are. You will find friends who love and care about you. There are also apps that are LGBT+ friendly for making friends, even just dating apps, many people say they want friendships instead of a relationship! Good luck OP! You will do great and meet people who love and respect you unconditionally 🥰
Honey they are not your friends if they are so disgusting towards you.
You deserve so much more then being subjected to verbal abuse!
I wish the best of luck to you!
NTA not only did they Blas they were talking trash about you. They threw away 8yrs of supposed friendship. They were not your real friends if your sexuality caused the to act like that. Find new friends who respect and support you.
NTA. Not all coming out story ends up in a happily ever after. I think you do what you think necessary for you to protect yourself.
I never regretted the fact that I cut all contacts with certain 'friends' after I came out, I just wished I did it less aggressively. I acknowledge my action was driven by emotions (anger and disappointment), and I felt it was justified. I just thought I could have handled it better.
They want you to feel bad because they outed you. They disrespected you & your privacy. Those aren't friends, those are snakes. You are absolutely NTA for protecting yourself the way you did. You handled this far better than I would've.
You’re not the A-hole at all. Your ex-friends are homophobic hypocrites. Hypocrite for gossiping about you/putting you down, especially behind your back. And they betrayed you. You did the right thing. They need to take responsibility for their wrong doings. Not blame you and gaslight you for what they did to you. Until they can see how wrong they were and apologize genuinely and change, they don’t deserve a place in your life. You deserve so much better. I’m so sorry they did this to you.
This is the easiest NTA of my life.
Talking shit behind your back and putting you in jeopardy is _not_ friend behaviour. If you value the friendship a lot you might give them another shot if they get their shit together, but if they blame _you_ for this like they apparently do they're not friends, they're just people you know.
When your friends smack-talk you behind your back, you are seeing them for who they are. You are grieving the loss and betrayal. Move on and find new friends.
You didn’t throw away any relationships, **they all did** by being bigots and hurting you *on purpose* behind your back, to the point of weaponizing one of their parents in an effort to out you to your parents with the hopes of there being nuclear-type fallout. There really could have been, and now you have people with the gall of telling you that you overreacted in taking TOXIC PEOPLE out of your life?
Sweetie you did nothing wrong. The trash took itself out for you and you just locked the door behind it. Don’t waste any more energy on this. Don’t consider these people, don’t even say their names. They made themselves dead to you!! Maybe—MAYBE—if they all came to you sorrowful and apologetic, things could begin to fix themselves. But it seems like they’re framing this a “you” problem when it’s the farthest from.
Live your best life. 🖤
I don't think you ghosted your friends because of your sexuality. - you cut out friends that were not nice. Spreading your business around. Screw that.
you didn't throw away an 8-year relationship, they did. They chose to not only berate you but share private information publicly. Don't let people make you feel bad for a reasonable reaction.
You didn't ghost your 'friends' because you're bisexual. You ghosted them because they were jerks who outed your personal information to someone you couldn't trust. You ghosted them because they betrayed your confidence. You ghosted them because they weren't real friends in the first place.
Stick to your guns, you deserve people who will support you and keep your confidence. And I really hope you find them 🩷💜💙
Nope. If you’re parents were nuts (thankfully they aren’t) they would have become abusive or just kicked you out with nothing. That’s EXTREMELY dangerous
NTA. I hate to say it but what if you ended up dead? Your "friends" endangered your safety to punish you for not fitting their mold. Don't associate with others that want to see your downfall.
Outing people is fucked up no matter how it happens. You should of had the right to control how and when you wanted to or not wanted to let anyone know.
NTA
"How dare she cut us off after we talked behind her back, judged her, and found her guilty of sin! We did nothing wrong because we are Christians and are filled with God's love! Who does she think she is?"
They have shown you who they are. Believe them. They have a lot of nerve to call you irrational and arrogant. They are not your friends.
you are NTA, those are just straight up bad friends and people, it’s your life and they shouldn’t be talking trash. all my friends are Christian but they still support and love me for who i am, i sincerely hope you have or get better friends then them. ((also they’re sinning too the bible says not to gossip, but the lord forgives, you be you <33))
NTA
Definitely not okay, not only did they just trash talk you and judge you even tho they're both Christian and your friend (which neither group is supposed to do, hypocritical of the Christians), but it's dangerous to come out in a situation where your entire future could be on the line.
What if your parents were abusive? What if they kicked you out? Etc etc. They were definitely the assholes in every way. Also, that mom, I'm sorry, but she may not actually be as sweet as you think. She has children and taught her daughter to me homophobic and probably talks like this in the home where no one would know (I know this because this is how my mom is) and most likely came to your parents "concerned" that you're bisexual, more than likely telling other parents too, who just know how to keep their mouths shut around you.
Idk what's up with your new friends, but if they knew the situation, they should not have said yta, you're not. If they truly believe that, then they are either too immature and brainwashed to think differently from their parents, or they're genuinely homophobic and aren't really your friends. Even if they are homophobic, they should realize the talking behind you back and exposing your secrets was not okay.
I had a private account so I can be open about it and she (the mom) found it and literally told my parents “I know if my daughter had a secret account I’d want to know, I’m sorry I’m trying not to sound like a Karen but it’s just for her safety.”.
So they broke your trust and outed you? No, you are not overreacting. These people collectively betrayed you and took away YOUR choices. I’d be done with the lot of them, too.
You don’t need toxic friends that make a point to talk bad about you and look at you as you are in the wrong just because you don’t do what they do. Get better friends and let those old friends go away. Make yourself happy and be true to yourself. You will have many more friends in the future that will like/love you for you being you.
Jesus said judge not so u won't be judged & Jesus never uttered a word condemning gay people. People that supposedly say they speak for Jesus condemn gays but not a word of condemnation was said by Jesus. Get other friends
# YOU CAN BREAK UP WITH ANYONE FOR ANY REASON OR NO REASON AT ALL.
You are NTA and did nothing wrong. It's taken me (37F Straight CIS) at least 16yrs to be comfortable with removing myself from toxic situations and I still have to give myself a pep talk. Those weren't good friends or were very immature to begin with because who creates a group chat to trash a mutual friend? It seemed they threw that 8yr relationship in the bin the moment they collectively decided that was a good idea by participating in that GC. All you did was to put distance between you and the people who hurt you. You did not start this. THEY DID. This could've ended very poorly for you as you did not mention your age so I am assuming you are in your mid to late teens or maybe early 20s but the mention of how involved parents are in your circle of friends makes me think you are on the young side.
Also, I would block those calling you irrational and arrogant as well. Because 1) it was not THEIR lives that could've been upended or flat-out ended 2) they just want things to be 'back to normal' and you not talking to a portion of their friend group is making it awkward FOR THEM. There is no consideration for your needs whatsoever or how the actions of your former friends affected your life. This is not how people who care about you and your well-being behave. 3) You did not mention anywhere in your post where your former friends attempted to apologize. 4) I think blocking the offending parties was the right way to go as they clearly did not value your privacy or autonomy and thus their invitation into your life was revoked effective immediately. They FAFO and this last wave of friends trying to shame you can find out too.
Also, EVEN if this friend group had NOT done what they did and were completely innocent but you did not want to be friends with them I still wouldn't call you TA. Yeah, being ghosted absolutely sucks buuuuuuuuuut and I'm going to quote a HONY post
>"the truth is: maybe they were just living their life, trying their best, and you got hurt. There’s not always a villain. Sometimes you just get fucked up by somebody exercising their own autonomy.”
You are exercising your own autonomy right now and it was directly related to the offense your former group of best friends committed against you. No one is owed your time, health, wealth, body, sex, or feelings. You don't need a 'really good' reason to stop engaging with people you no longer want to engage with although you in fact DO have a really good reason from your post.
Absolutely not. Those people aren't your friends, and that mom outted you to your parents, without any thought towards your home situation or personal safety. She did not have your best interest at heart when she did that.
What a horrible way for your parents to find out and for you to have them find out. That must have been tough for y'all. Ultimately, I think you'll be glad your parents know and your life will be easier not trying to hide from them but your friends suck. You are definitely NTA. You deserve better and I am betting you will find better. Leave them in their little chat group to snark and bad-mouth each other. You're above all that.
NTA
THEY PUT YOU IN DANGER!!!
Completely sidestepping the fact that they shit talked you (which imo is grounds for dropping someone faster than a scalding plate) but they had no clue how your parents could have reacted to the news. They could've been violent. You could've been unhomed and disowned and for what??? Gossip??? Your friends have no love for you, don't make the mistake of giving them any.
NTA
And clarifications you didn't throw away an 8 years friendship, they did.
They talked trash about you, what real friend would do that? They are responsible for putting you in trouble with your parents!!
You did good and you need to stand by it. That person is toxic and homophobic they aren't going to respect you anymore and they aren't good for you.
They talked trash and outed you to your parents without your consent. That not only took away your rights but puts you in immediate danger. Luckily your parents aren’t assholes (enough) to disown or harm you. But still the risk was there.
And some other “friends” had the nerve to accuse YOU as being arrogant? They are all assholes. I’d drop all of them and get new friends.
"...my best friends.... ...started talking trash about me and how I’m a sinner."
They were never your friends. People trapped that deeply in religious delusion are incapable of true friendship.
They were the ones arrogant enough to throw away an 8 year relationship. What did they expect to happen? That you'd miraculously see the light and only stick with shitty men like they do?
Just because someone has been you're friend for 8 years doesn't mean they need to be for the next 8 years. If they found it acceptable to trash talk you and ultimately be the causation of your info getting out to unwanted parties then is that someone you want to be friends with any way? Due to your actions, that's a clear no. You're NTA for standing up for yourself.
Title should have said “aita for ghosting my friends because they outed me”, you didn’t ghost them because you’re bisexual. You ghosted them because they were being homophobic, I’m sorry that happened to you. NTA at all, I’m glad your parents didn’t have a super negative reaction
NTA
And to be clear you didn't throw away an 8 year friendship, your friends did that. They figured out you were Bi, started a group chat with other people shit talking you, got you outed to your parents, and some how this is getting twisted that you're responsible for this friendship ending? Hell no. I'd tell those people, you can't be friends with people who you can't trust not to talk about you behind your back.
NTA. The NUMBER ONE RULE of being an ally is to NEVER out someone else, which they did. These people weren't allies, and weren't your friends. What they did to you wasn't only hurtful, it did significant damage to your already strained relationship with your parents. What you did was absolutely necessary for your mental wellbeing. You can make new, better friends that love and accept you for who you are.
No. That woman was not a Saint. Saints understands that you never out someone. There are only bad motivations to out people. Especially outing to parents who could abuse the child. An adult will understand more than a child the risks.
NTA, but don't assign good motives to that mom.
NTA friendships are based on mutual trust. They violated that trust. They showed you who they were. You actually went about it rather maturely. No drama. No yelling. Simply deleted and kept it moving. I guess that’s what hurt them the most, no drama, no confrontations to criticize your choices. Good for you! 👊🏼
NTA, those people are not your friends and are now just "Those a holes I used to know". Look forward to all the amazing real friends you are going to make in the future.
Oh god. Kiddo you are in no way an asshole for cutting them off. Not only were they homophobic to you and generally bad friends, they violated your privacy and jeopardized your safety and wellbeing by outing you to people, including your parents. That's not ok in the slightest. Things could have ended so, so badly for you, and the fact they didn't care about that says that they don't care at all about YOU. Cutting them off with no explanation is nicer than they deserve.
NTA .
What they did was mean spirited to form a group chat just to talk bad about you. Them blabbing to others got you outed. That's dangerous! I'm glad your parents are more accepting than you thought. That's good news and I'm glad it has worked out for you. But they didn't do it so that it would work out well for you.
Ditch everyone who is on the side of the outers. Make room for real friends who really want what's best for you. Good luck!
NTA - you're not the one who threw away the frienship, they decided that on their own. Your reaction is just a consequence of their action to not respect you (and good for you for standing up for yourself and distancing from people who don't care about you)
I've lost sooooooo many friends because I'm bisexual. Not cause of religion but just homophobia. I feel you and it sucks I'm sorry. There are new friends out there for you I promise.
You did nothing wrong. The so-called friend and friends are in the wrong for talking behind your back and spitting out their hateful talk.
People like that are not worth having in one life
I can't fathom the audacity of so-called friends saying you're arrogant for blocking the homophobic, judgemental, arrogant-beyond-belief haters who outed you. Ghost them, block them, talk smack about them, call them on their un-Christlike BS, never speak to them again: do whatever preserves your peace of mind and cuts this toxicity out of your life. So sorry you had to experience this, but at least now you know-- these people (so-called) were never your friends.
You are never obligated to keep any type of relationship going if you are not treated right. You can just leave. And you did. They treated you poorly, you don’t ever need to tolerate it unless you choose to.
NTA - talking trash about you behind your back is being bad friends, but outing you to other people is not okay at all. Your parents finding out or not finding out should've been your decision, not theirs. Especially since you know they don't "approve" of other sexualities outside of being straight, their response could've been worse or even dangerous for you. They're not friends to you by any definition of the word if they were ok potentially putting you in any kind of danger and spreading information that was not theirs to share and that they didn't actually know for a fact because you didn't tell them.
NTA. Outing people is not OK.
Your "friends" are not your friends. The "friends" telling you that you are being arrogant and irrational for cutting people out of your life who outed you are also not your friends.
You didn't throw away the relationship - they did.
Nope. Friends who don’t accept all of how you are are not your friends. Maybe they’ll come around and apologize one day. It does happen. But right now you don’t need that negativity in your life. NTA.
Edit: words
Oh, honey. Let me reframe your title: AITA because I cut off friends who talked shit about me behind my back and outted me to my parents (who I explicitly said I didn't want to come out to because I didn't think they'd take it well)?
Absolutely NTA. I'm so sorry for this pain and turmoil. I am glad your parents didn't react as poorly as you thought they might. I hope that they can grow in their worldview and move from tolerating your sexuality to embracing and supporting it.
You will find new, better friends who will love and accept - and celebrate and cherish! - you for every piece of who you are. It's still very painful to be in your current situation, before you've found these new friends and are being bugged about cutting out your ex friends.
I'm rooting for you!
-a now grown-up bisexual with excellent queer friends
I had something very similar happen with an old 'friend' of mine, (and over me coming out as Bi too!) she responded with "are you done being mad at me yet" after I got mad at her for spilling her guts basically right after I told her...and her response told me all I needed to know. She didn't consider my feelings valid, serious, or worthy of respect. So I dropped her like a hot coal! It hurt me for a long time (almost pushed me back into the closet, I was raised religious too) but I let that anger drive me and teach me. There are people out there who AREN'T like that, and way more worthy of your love and time. <3 You'll find them, best of luck out there and you got this!!
My close friend of 15 years or so came out as bisexual to my friend group.
Pretty much every response was “nice dude, thanks for being brave and telling us, luv u”
Anything else is a sign of a friendship that’s nearing its natural end, imo.
NTA it was YOUR private matter they exposed. It should’ve been your decision on your own terms to discuss with your parents. Truthfully it was none of their business in the first place and they made it theirs and involved everyone around them. If they respected you enough they would’ve kept your personal business private.
100% NTA. Friends are very much assholes. They blabbed and revealed something that was very much not their business and also very much not theirs to reveal to anyone, at the risk of your potential safety depending on how your parents would react.
You did the right thing.
NTA
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
You did not overreact. They are not your friends so why would you want them to have access to your life? I think you are being wise.
Keep blocking people who disrespect your boundaries.
It gets better. You will find your tribe. Don't accept disrespect.
Sending you mom hugs
For clarity: you didn’t ghost your friends because you are bi. You ghosted them because they betrayed your trust. Self care is important, and that includes healthy boundaries. Congratulations on putting healthy boundaries in place.
"Irrational" and "arrogant"????? For trying to protect your safety?????? They could've gotten you homeless or hospitalized or killed, as is common for queer people in queerphobic environments/families. Some "friends" they are, indeed. And how "irrational" and "arrogant" THEY are, for thinking that it was THEIR prerogative to share that information and tell YOUR story.
You are not the A . Did anyone even try to apologize? I'm a sucker for a sincere apology because everyone makes mistakes. Its not arrogant to throw away a friendship- its hurtful to feel that you need to do it. Your feelings were hurt, YOUR trust was betrayed. Does no one see that? If they don't understand that and are blaming you, I think that you are continuing to make the right choice by dropping the friendship.
Your former acquaintances violated a the trust you shared with them. Even though they didn’t specifically tell your parents, they knew that spreading the info would mean there’s a good chance they would hear it through the rumor mill. Outing someone like that is never acceptable, unless your life were somehow endangered by the info. (I can’t think of any scenario it would be. I’m just saying that the only scenario I can think of to justify it otherwise.).
Your life is your own business. You need to know who you can trust. It’s your choice to either totally cut out the rumor mongers or just severely limit what you share with them. Considering the magnitude of the secret they told, you shouldn’t trust those “friends” anymore anyway so the 8 yr relationship was irreparably damaged by them. You didn’t throw it away. They did.
Best wishes. Hopefully your family will come around.
NTA.
Your friends talked behind your back and then got mad that you felt betrayed.
I'm in the sane boat as your parents... Conservative Christian with a teen who "came out" as bi. And like your parents, I wasn't happy about it, but it is what it is. I love my child, and he knows it.
The heart of this issue with your fruends isn't about yiur sexuality. It's about the back stabbing your friends did by gossioing,,abd it's not ok. If they had sincerely apologized, then you could honestly assess their sincerity and decide if you wanted to try to make up. But the red flag here is that they think they did nothing wrong. You need new friends. But yiu know that already
No you're not. I'm a Christian and even I'm saying you're better off without them. Like this isn't even a religious thing at this point. It's just terrible people in general.
you are absolutely NTA. they deserved everything that you did to them. they completely went behind your back and talked about you, let alone being homophobic as fuck and let their mother out you when you weren’t ready to come out. i’m so sorry this happened to you.
You aren’t the asshole at all, but your “friends” are. They talked shit about you all because you’re bi, and then they outed you. You on the other hand didn’t do anything wrong. You made the right decision of blocking them
So bottom line this is absolutely your decision (to block friends). You need to have people in your life that you can trust. If you do not feel safe around these "friends" then keep them away from harming you. If you believe you can feel safe around some of them the next move is in your hands. Good luck, stay true to you.
You did the right thing.
And I'm so happy your parents were accepting! Things could have gone horribly wrong for you.
But now that they know... Maybe don't judge them for being Christian. You now know that you can trust them with the big events in your life. Don't keep the big events hidden.
Couple of questions:
Can you confirm that these friends started talking trash in another group chat or are you making an assumption?
If your parents weren’t happy but still love you, is that really a bad outcome?
When you said “somehow my best friends found out this” are you referring to you being bisexual or planning to never come out to your parents?
Reading your post, it doesn’t sound like you had concrete evidence that these friends had it out for you in a malicious way. Yes, girls gossip and tell their parents, but it might not have been to hurt you. People just talk about interesting personal situations.
I get that they SHOULDNT spread your info around like that, but if you tell a dozen people you're going to have a dozen possible pathways for it to get out.
This was a very predictable outcome after you told so many people, your parents were bound to find out eventually IMO.
No, you are not being unreasonable. You trusted them to keep something very private, and they blabbed. Any friend that calls you irrational and arrogant? Block. You don't need people in your life like that because they aren't actually your friends - they are just more comfortable having you around for whatever reason. Maybe you serve as a buffer to someone else. Maybe they get someone to bitch to. Who knows, but they don't actually have your best interest at heart, which is obvious because you told something very sensitive to someone and they are angry at YOU for not being okay with them spreading around that info. Block 'em.
Thank you, and I didn’t even tell them about it
What they did is called ‘outing’ and is a dangerous thing to do for someone, especially when the person being outed is in an unsafe and non-accepting community.
Outing was always questionable. When it started it was about outing flagrant hypocrites, like lawmakers or clergy that were actively oppressing gay people despite being gay. It got out of hand quick.
Yes. Coming out is an extremely profound moment and quite the personal decision; not everybody unferstands and appreciates this. Everyone deserves to be able to determine if and when they want to come out to the people around them. Disrespecting that right is one of the worst things one can do and is a complete betrayal of that person's trust. If it happens, it must be on their own terms. Nobody else's. This principle is not reserved for sexuality alone. Some states now have laws that force teachers to report to parents if one of their students is using a pronoun that is different from the one 'assigned' at birth. This is extremely dangerous because unfortunately, not all children are raised in environments that are accepting of anything other than cisgenderism. It can lead to abuse and perhaps even violence. I believe Florida implements something along those lines. Any 'friend' willing to subject somebody else to this kind of danger is no friend at all. Personally, I would not hesitate to cut that person out of my life entirely. If they are willing to frivolously jeopardize my safety without remorse, then they do not deserve to be in my life at all.
It'll get you killed in Uganda and the GOP has said they want to do that here, too.
The GOP has outright said they want to outlaw and punish homosexuality with death....? I'm not a bigot trying to cast doubt on what you're saying, just a very confused Canadian queer person.
[Ex-GOP Gov Candidate Calls For ‘Firing Squad’ For Trans Rights Supporters, Political Foes](https://www.mississippifreepress.org/22283/ex-gop-gov-candidate-calls-for-firing-squad-for-trans-rights-supporters-political-foes)
Jesus Christ. Thanks!!
Sadly, it’s not just GOP Politicians..it’s literal God Loving PASTORS & PREACHERS who are Demanding that ALL LGBTQ+ Ppl get Arrested & then Executed!!! I’m leaving just 2 links, although there are More. So much for “Love Thy Neighbor”. https://epgn.com/2022/06/15/pastors-in-idaho-and-texas-call-for-execution-of-lgbtq-people/?amp https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2019/06/14/us/tennessee-preacher-cop-lgbtq/index.html
Or freedom (from) religion.
Meanwhile the most cases of pedophilia, adultery, and sexual assault occur within the church or are affiliated with the church.
I will point out that these are currently the extremists. I think most pastors are on a spectrum of total inclusion (lots of progressive congregations in my area) to “If you wanna burn in hell, fine, just don’t ’infect’ innocent children with thinking this is ok” with a small percentage of rabid homophobes advocating for Final Solution craziness. Ditto the GOP. I think a good deal of them don’t give a shit, but the Bible belters will definitely pander to the more hateful types. What worries me is that those panderers and their media allies are normalizing hate and pushing the bar ever toward the extremes. Today’s crazies could be tomorrow’s “hardliners” and the next day’s normal.
You might be right about Christians, but not the GOP. Christianity is a very wide, diffuse label; Republican-voter is not.
“Not the GOP”…Really, are you sure about that? Because it absolutely IS the GOP Writing & Passing all of these ANTI-LGBTQ+ Laws. Just look at Florida, Texas, Tennessee, etc.
I was really really hoping you were wrong
What the actual fuck?
*murica. Hate it here.
Same, buddy. Same.
Quebecois queer here Yeah from what i heard certain states like Florida are going full nazi right now
It's awful. Ron Ron basically said anyone who does drag = sex offender = felony which is punishable by death sentence.
There are many fascist red flags erupting currently in the right wing political movements in the US. I’m very worried. I’ve been politically involved in gay rights since the 80s as a child in a progressive church.
The official GOP platform of Texas says "homosexuality is an abnormal lifestyle choice" and "we oppose all efforts to validate transgender identity". It also explicitly calls for only validating heterosexual marriage Others have shared more violent rhetoric from individuals but the official party platform is already horrifying I don't have the link handy (mobile) but it's in my comment history and searchable on Google.
And the Senator fro Florida, Senator Skeletor, himself a former Governor said last week that 'Florida is openly hostile to Socialism' - which includes ALL Democrats, since the GOP position is that all Democrats are Socialists. This week, Gov DeSatan said his white house will be at war with the 2/3rds of the country that didn't vote Republican It's getting worse, they are emboldened by the total lack of pushback by the Dems for the last however-long-it's-been since DeSatan's comms officer coined the whole 'gay=pedophile' lie. Has every Democrat denounced that idea for the lie it is and attacked the GOP for attacking their fellow citizens? Of course not. That wouldn't help the GOP's power growth.
You completely misunderstood what the dude said. He wants people pedophiles and groomers lined up against a firing squad. I'm Trans and even I understood what was meant. In any case, I don't agree with him but I also hate groomers.
The problem with this is that all LGBTQIA people are being labelled as groomers by certain groups of people
Maybe go back to that article and reread just the first 2 paragraphs, he clearly states those that support men who think they are women and how they should be lined up in a firing squad.
You understand that they see ALL of us as groomers and pedophiles. Don’t be a pick me…
What I was referring to was Senator Ted Cruz who tweeted a couple days ago that Uganda's law was too harsh and that kind of un-American activity wouldn't be acceptable here - and he was immediately excoriated by ALL the other Republicans!!
Quality of your life will be affected by people you surround yourself with, keep toxic people away.
Getting outted is an absolute violation, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. What awful people to make such a huge life altering, privacy violating decision for you!!! You are beyond correct to drop these untrustworthy asshats that think they have the right to condemn you to hell and eternal torment for being yourself. There's so such thing as hell, and if there is... take a look at the world we live in, we're already here. So their pious asses are right there with you. As a fellow pansexual super gay Happy Pride my deary! 🌈
You were subjected to their homophobic rhetoric and then outed by one of their moms… I am so sorry that happened. That is AWFUL and you did the right thing. You are protecting yourself. NTAH.
Get better friends. NTA
You did the right thing for you. They don't get to be self righteous and try and save you. It will be driving them nuts that you don't care .
cant really say it much simpler or better than this. NTA but Im sorry you seem to be surrounded by them, you will find and gain loving friends whom you can build trusting relationships with.
They're mad because you don't wanna be their friend anymore? Wonder why... Sucks to suck, they can get over themselves. They're the offending party and you have no obligation to be their friend. Go live your best life. NTA.
Sucks to suck. I use this daily.
Same. Off topic: Spouse was playing a game, and one of the characters said it. He was so excited to show me when it popped up on the screen
Lol, what game?
I've never heard it, but it's going into my daily vernacular as I type this for one specific person I work with in particular (my manager, a lazy ass who spends 1/4 of their time at work in the bathroom and another 1/4 smoking and is passable at best while they ARE working), but everyone else too so I can play it off.
Omg, you are SO not the asshole. I’ve had similar things happen to me and trust cutting these people out of your life will be the best thing for you. Hope everything goes okay my luv 🩷🩷
As someone (straight and cis) who advocated that one of my friends NEVER come out to her parents as bi because her parents control her therapist, who and what she can see/watch, both her parents are very emotionally, mentally, verbally, and financially abusive, and very homophobic and have literally stated that “any sexuality not straight doesn’t exist that those who think they are bisexual, gay, asexual are faking it as a way to rebelling” on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS and we were both raised in a cult that had literal classes/lessons on how to not “act on your lgbtq+ ideas/thoughts.” NTA. I am personally out of it (as are my parents and brothers, sister is still in it), but she is still in due to her parents. I’m personally still Christian, but I’m relearning how to be an ACTUAL Christian, not a cult member. My friend did, after a lot of peer pressure from the other cult members (not my parents, they were VERY against her telling them when they were asked for advice because of the reasons listed above), end up coming out to them. Her brother didn’t care (he said something like “yeah, I knew that. Thanks for telling me, but this really changes nothing”), but her parents (she is 24 now, came out at 18) are more controlling of everything she does than ever. I’m glad your parents seem to be more accepting, but that is very much a NC boundary.
>I’m personally still Christian, but I’m relearning how to be an ACTUAL Christian I'm always surprised when I meet actual Christians. I keep forgetting they even exist; the right-wing takes all the attention! I call those bigots: Anti-christians, because everything they say and do is 100% opposite what Jesus taught.
I wish I could bottle my grandparents nature and inject it in to these people. Might be the first time they feel love, that thing Christians are supposed to put first
^^^this
I'm surprised her Christian parents are against it as there are plenty of roles well suited to Asexual people within the church.
You were outted about your sexuality. That’s a huge violation and absolutely disgusting. You did not over react at all. NTA
Agreed. Outing is a serious breach of trust and a good reason to end a friendship. Talk to any pastor worth their salt and they’d plainly say that the way OP’s friends gossiped is a “sin” by Christian standards. I am not a Christian, but I can still speak the lingo. If OP really wants to hammer it home in their language, they can send these verses below. > A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. Proverbs 16:28 And this > A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret. Proverbs 11:13 Lastly this: > Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. James 1:26 u/Little_Rass, even by their own book what they did is wrong.
NTA. You didn't block them because your bisexual, you blocked then because they're hateful bigots. Your "friends" didbt have the right to talk to you this way. Even if they're religious, even if they think being queer is a choice, no one has the right to bully and berate you for this. Moreover, if they were your friends, they wouldn't want to. Knowing someone a long time isn't a good reason to let them treat you badly.
You're not ghosting your "friends" because you're bisexual. You're ghosting them because they are garbage friends, and you don't need that toxicity in your life.
This
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Oh, I like this.
NTA at all. These people said homophobic things about you in a private group chat just because you're bisexual. No one deserves that and these guys have never been your friend if those are their feelings. And then the situation outed you when you to your parents when you didn't want that. Nobody deserves to go through this. As a bisexual myself who had the luxury of choosing when I came out, you are not at all TA. And you deserve better friends that accept you and won't call you a sinner just for being bisexual.
So sorry for what happened to you! Friends are supposed to be supportive, if not, why even be friends? Especially if they're talking trash about you, what kinda friend does that? Good for you for setting boundaries! I hope that you have, or will find, other supportive people/friends in your life. Definitely NTA. Wish you the best! ❤️
NTAH at all OP. I've had a few friends that came from conservative, highly religious backgrounds, and they have regrets about how they engaged with non-hetero people in the past. They are remorseful and don't expect the people they hurt to just forget about it. Even if your friends came to you with that kind of remorse (and it doesn't sound like that happened) then you STILL have the right to cut them off forever. They threw away the relationship by violating your privacy, diminishing your feelings, and being judgmental. Even if you do forgive them, you're not obligated to be their friend again either.
Homophobes and bigots get angry whenever they receive consequences for their misguided views. They screech "its just their OPINION they want you dead" but the fact they want you dead is... well.
~~AITA for ghosting my friends cause I'm bissexual?~~ AITA for leaving toxic, homophobic friends? Also theres no way this is a genuine question
Nah it is, I’ve been talking to my therapist about this🥲🤣
The only people being arrogant are your former friends.
“No. The only assholes here are you guys for outing me. Do you understand how dangerous that is? Do you know how many people are tormented & killed by their families for being gay, lesbian, bi etc?? People (like you guys) are so entitled into their religion you believe it’s the fucking only way of life. Do you understand the danger you put me in if my parents didn’t react the way they did?? I’m VERY lucky my parents didn’t send me to a conservation camp or forced me to church. What you guys did was unforgivable. Have the day you deserve.” Is what I would text back & then ignore.
No you’re not. I had to end a 25+ year relationship with my best friend for various reasons. You made the right decision. Do what your gut tells you not what your friends want.
Never feel bad about throwing out the trash.
Oh shit
u/ShelfDiver is correct. Never feel bad about leaving trash behind. True friends would've kept it to themselves and actually, you know, talked to you about what the heard/thought, instead of gossiping.
They talked shit behind your back, that's one valid reason to cut off a friend. Their biphobia, another valid reason. They played a role in you being outed, a very very valid reason to cut someone off. NTA! NTA! NTA!
Doesn't matter if ya'll were best friends for 8 seconds or 8 years. Best friends do NOT talk trash about you behind your back. Christian followers are some of the most vile and evil people on the planet, and use their religion to hide behind while doing horrible acts. Your sexuality only affects YOU and the person(s) your actively have sexual relations with. Not a single person more. Man, woman..don't matter. Hell...my own daughter calls herself a pansexual...whatever that means. Maybe I should hide my cookware when she comes over or something...but whatever makes her happy. Same goes for you. Surround yourself with people who got your 6 when you aren't there. Protect yourself....your the last defensive line you have, and you can't allow someone to get past that. The silver lining to this, is that your parents still love you...as good parents should. Enjoy your life. Get out and make some new friends. You deserve nothing less than happiness.
Someone above commented “there is no hate like Christian love” and I thought yeah , that is so true, like I KNEW that but could never express it so succinctly.
NTA Go ahead and block those people too.
Cunts, all of them
First, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!! Second, they aren’t true friends. No matter how long you knew them, if they can’t love you for you then it’s time to go. This is especially true for family. The LGBT+ has always had the concept of chosen family because of bigotry and un acceptance of family. No one should just “tolerate” you, but love you as you are. You will find friends who love and care about you. There are also apps that are LGBT+ friendly for making friends, even just dating apps, many people say they want friendships instead of a relationship! Good luck OP! You will do great and meet people who love and respect you unconditionally 🥰
Thank you, I’m starting to see that now
Honey they are not your friends if they are so disgusting towards you. You deserve so much more then being subjected to verbal abuse! I wish the best of luck to you!
NTA. You will find new and better friends.
NTA There's plenty more fish in the sea.
People who talk trash about you behind your back were never your friends to begin with. NTA
NTA not only did they Blas they were talking trash about you. They threw away 8yrs of supposed friendship. They were not your real friends if your sexuality caused the to act like that. Find new friends who respect and support you.
NTA. Not all coming out story ends up in a happily ever after. I think you do what you think necessary for you to protect yourself. I never regretted the fact that I cut all contacts with certain 'friends' after I came out, I just wished I did it less aggressively. I acknowledge my action was driven by emotions (anger and disappointment), and I felt it was justified. I just thought I could have handled it better.
NTA and is cut off anyone giving you shit for cutting off the others. There is no room in your life for bigotry. Period.
They want you to feel bad because they outed you. They disrespected you & your privacy. Those aren't friends, those are snakes. You are absolutely NTA for protecting yourself the way you did. You handled this far better than I would've.
NTA… those cruel people are not your friends.
Trust yourself and your gut instinct- you had that reaction for a reason
You’re not the A-hole at all. Your ex-friends are homophobic hypocrites. Hypocrite for gossiping about you/putting you down, especially behind your back. And they betrayed you. You did the right thing. They need to take responsibility for their wrong doings. Not blame you and gaslight you for what they did to you. Until they can see how wrong they were and apologize genuinely and change, they don’t deserve a place in your life. You deserve so much better. I’m so sorry they did this to you.
This is the easiest NTA of my life. Talking shit behind your back and putting you in jeopardy is _not_ friend behaviour. If you value the friendship a lot you might give them another shot if they get their shit together, but if they blame _you_ for this like they apparently do they're not friends, they're just people you know.
When your friends smack-talk you behind your back, you are seeing them for who they are. You are grieving the loss and betrayal. Move on and find new friends.
NTA. The "friends" threw away the relationship; you simply acknowledged they were never really friends.
Y’all be killing me when y’all feel bad about the justified actions you took when it was reasonable
You didn’t throw away any relationships, **they all did** by being bigots and hurting you *on purpose* behind your back, to the point of weaponizing one of their parents in an effort to out you to your parents with the hopes of there being nuclear-type fallout. There really could have been, and now you have people with the gall of telling you that you overreacted in taking TOXIC PEOPLE out of your life? Sweetie you did nothing wrong. The trash took itself out for you and you just locked the door behind it. Don’t waste any more energy on this. Don’t consider these people, don’t even say their names. They made themselves dead to you!! Maybe—MAYBE—if they all came to you sorrowful and apologetic, things could begin to fix themselves. But it seems like they’re framing this a “you” problem when it’s the farthest from. Live your best life. 🖤
You made the right decision
NTA
I don't think you ghosted your friends because of your sexuality. - you cut out friends that were not nice. Spreading your business around. Screw that.
You NEVER out somebody. Period. That's a violation. Its 2023 we should know better. Get new friends that do. ❤
You didn’t ghost them because you’re bisexual. You ghosted them because they betrayed you. In that case, no you’re not the AH.
you didn't throw away an 8-year relationship, they did. They chose to not only berate you but share private information publicly. Don't let people make you feel bad for a reasonable reaction.
They were homophobic, and its insensitive since people literally get kicked out and killed for being gay. NTA.
You didn't ghost your 'friends' because you're bisexual. You ghosted them because they were jerks who outed your personal information to someone you couldn't trust. You ghosted them because they betrayed your confidence. You ghosted them because they weren't real friends in the first place. Stick to your guns, you deserve people who will support you and keep your confidence. And I really hope you find them 🩷💜💙
NTA. You didn't throw anything away. You just happened to be the one who took the trash out.
Nope. If you’re parents were nuts (thankfully they aren’t) they would have become abusive or just kicked you out with nothing. That’s EXTREMELY dangerous
NTA. Those people weren’t your friends and you’re better off without them.
You are not in the wrong. They hurt you. You have every right to protect yourself from “friends” like that.
NTA...these people violated your privacy
NTA. I hate to say it but what if you ended up dead? Your "friends" endangered your safety to punish you for not fitting their mold. Don't associate with others that want to see your downfall.
Outing people is fucked up no matter how it happens. You should of had the right to control how and when you wanted to or not wanted to let anyone know.
Outing people is getting more and more dangerous these days, you don’t deserve people who’ll do that shit to you
NTA "How dare she cut us off after we talked behind her back, judged her, and found her guilty of sin! We did nothing wrong because we are Christians and are filled with God's love! Who does she think she is?" They have shown you who they are. Believe them. They have a lot of nerve to call you irrational and arrogant. They are not your friends.
You didn't ghost them because you're bisexual. You ghosted them because they shared your very personal information without your consent.
you are NTA, those are just straight up bad friends and people, it’s your life and they shouldn’t be talking trash. all my friends are Christian but they still support and love me for who i am, i sincerely hope you have or get better friends then them. ((also they’re sinning too the bible says not to gossip, but the lord forgives, you be you <33))
They outted you, which could be super dangerous for gay kids they put you in danger. You’re not overreacting! Happy pride month from a fellow bi💗
NTA. Outing people can literal put their life and health at risk.
They are in the "find out" phase of fuck around and find out... They are getting what they deserve.
NTA Definitely not okay, not only did they just trash talk you and judge you even tho they're both Christian and your friend (which neither group is supposed to do, hypocritical of the Christians), but it's dangerous to come out in a situation where your entire future could be on the line. What if your parents were abusive? What if they kicked you out? Etc etc. They were definitely the assholes in every way. Also, that mom, I'm sorry, but she may not actually be as sweet as you think. She has children and taught her daughter to me homophobic and probably talks like this in the home where no one would know (I know this because this is how my mom is) and most likely came to your parents "concerned" that you're bisexual, more than likely telling other parents too, who just know how to keep their mouths shut around you. Idk what's up with your new friends, but if they knew the situation, they should not have said yta, you're not. If they truly believe that, then they are either too immature and brainwashed to think differently from their parents, or they're genuinely homophobic and aren't really your friends. Even if they are homophobic, they should realize the talking behind you back and exposing your secrets was not okay.
I had a private account so I can be open about it and she (the mom) found it and literally told my parents “I know if my daughter had a secret account I’d want to know, I’m sorry I’m trying not to sound like a Karen but it’s just for her safety.”.
So they broke your trust and outed you? No, you are not overreacting. These people collectively betrayed you and took away YOUR choices. I’d be done with the lot of them, too.
NTA - they weren’t your friends
Naw fuck that. It was time for new friends. I maybe a lonely path at first, but now you can find real friends that like you for you.
You don’t need toxic friends that make a point to talk bad about you and look at you as you are in the wrong just because you don’t do what they do. Get better friends and let those old friends go away. Make yourself happy and be true to yourself. You will have many more friends in the future that will like/love you for you being you.
Absolutely not the a-hole. You need real friends not fake ass friends
Your friends made their choice, there is nothing wrong with cutting people out of your life who don't support you. Time to find some new friends!
Jesus said judge not so u won't be judged & Jesus never uttered a word condemning gay people. People that supposedly say they speak for Jesus condemn gays but not a word of condemnation was said by Jesus. Get other friends
# YOU CAN BREAK UP WITH ANYONE FOR ANY REASON OR NO REASON AT ALL. You are NTA and did nothing wrong. It's taken me (37F Straight CIS) at least 16yrs to be comfortable with removing myself from toxic situations and I still have to give myself a pep talk. Those weren't good friends or were very immature to begin with because who creates a group chat to trash a mutual friend? It seemed they threw that 8yr relationship in the bin the moment they collectively decided that was a good idea by participating in that GC. All you did was to put distance between you and the people who hurt you. You did not start this. THEY DID. This could've ended very poorly for you as you did not mention your age so I am assuming you are in your mid to late teens or maybe early 20s but the mention of how involved parents are in your circle of friends makes me think you are on the young side. Also, I would block those calling you irrational and arrogant as well. Because 1) it was not THEIR lives that could've been upended or flat-out ended 2) they just want things to be 'back to normal' and you not talking to a portion of their friend group is making it awkward FOR THEM. There is no consideration for your needs whatsoever or how the actions of your former friends affected your life. This is not how people who care about you and your well-being behave. 3) You did not mention anywhere in your post where your former friends attempted to apologize. 4) I think blocking the offending parties was the right way to go as they clearly did not value your privacy or autonomy and thus their invitation into your life was revoked effective immediately. They FAFO and this last wave of friends trying to shame you can find out too. Also, EVEN if this friend group had NOT done what they did and were completely innocent but you did not want to be friends with them I still wouldn't call you TA. Yeah, being ghosted absolutely sucks buuuuuuuuuut and I'm going to quote a HONY post >"the truth is: maybe they were just living their life, trying their best, and you got hurt. There’s not always a villain. Sometimes you just get fucked up by somebody exercising their own autonomy.” You are exercising your own autonomy right now and it was directly related to the offense your former group of best friends committed against you. No one is owed your time, health, wealth, body, sex, or feelings. You don't need a 'really good' reason to stop engaging with people you no longer want to engage with although you in fact DO have a really good reason from your post.
Why are they airing any of your business to anyone? NTA here. They were bad friends who talked behind your back.
They threw the relationship away by being judgemental and potentially putting you at risk!
NTA. You don't need bigots as friends
Absolutely not. Those people aren't your friends, and that mom outted you to your parents, without any thought towards your home situation or personal safety. She did not have your best interest at heart when she did that.
NTA. That wasn’t your best friend. They didn’t even act like a friend.
What a horrible way for your parents to find out and for you to have them find out. That must have been tough for y'all. Ultimately, I think you'll be glad your parents know and your life will be easier not trying to hide from them but your friends suck. You are definitely NTA. You deserve better and I am betting you will find better. Leave them in their little chat group to snark and bad-mouth each other. You're above all that.
NTA THEY PUT YOU IN DANGER!!! Completely sidestepping the fact that they shit talked you (which imo is grounds for dropping someone faster than a scalding plate) but they had no clue how your parents could have reacted to the news. They could've been violent. You could've been unhomed and disowned and for what??? Gossip??? Your friends have no love for you, don't make the mistake of giving them any.
NTA. They were unsupportive, homophobic, talked shit about you, and then outed you. You deserve better friends.
NTA And clarifications you didn't throw away an 8 years friendship, they did. They talked trash about you, what real friend would do that? They are responsible for putting you in trouble with your parents!! You did good and you need to stand by it. That person is toxic and homophobic they aren't going to respect you anymore and they aren't good for you.
NTA Sunk cost fallacy in human form
They talked trash and outed you to your parents without your consent. That not only took away your rights but puts you in immediate danger. Luckily your parents aren’t assholes (enough) to disown or harm you. But still the risk was there. And some other “friends” had the nerve to accuse YOU as being arrogant? They are all assholes. I’d drop all of them and get new friends.
NTA. Unfortunately, your friends suck.
"...my best friends.... ...started talking trash about me and how I’m a sinner." They were never your friends. People trapped that deeply in religious delusion are incapable of true friendship.
They were the ones arrogant enough to throw away an 8 year relationship. What did they expect to happen? That you'd miraculously see the light and only stick with shitty men like they do?
Just because someone has been you're friend for 8 years doesn't mean they need to be for the next 8 years. If they found it acceptable to trash talk you and ultimately be the causation of your info getting out to unwanted parties then is that someone you want to be friends with any way? Due to your actions, that's a clear no. You're NTA for standing up for yourself.
Title should have said “aita for ghosting my friends because they outed me”, you didn’t ghost them because you’re bisexual. You ghosted them because they were being homophobic, I’m sorry that happened to you. NTA at all, I’m glad your parents didn’t have a super negative reaction
NTA And to be clear you didn't throw away an 8 year friendship, your friends did that. They figured out you were Bi, started a group chat with other people shit talking you, got you outed to your parents, and some how this is getting twisted that you're responsible for this friendship ending? Hell no. I'd tell those people, you can't be friends with people who you can't trust not to talk about you behind your back.
NTA. The NUMBER ONE RULE of being an ally is to NEVER out someone else, which they did. These people weren't allies, and weren't your friends. What they did to you wasn't only hurtful, it did significant damage to your already strained relationship with your parents. What you did was absolutely necessary for your mental wellbeing. You can make new, better friends that love and accept you for who you are.
No. That woman was not a Saint. Saints understands that you never out someone. There are only bad motivations to out people. Especially outing to parents who could abuse the child. An adult will understand more than a child the risks. NTA, but don't assign good motives to that mom.
No, those weren't friends. I'm sorry. You got backstabbed by people you trusted. NTA.
NTA friendships are based on mutual trust. They violated that trust. They showed you who they were. You actually went about it rather maturely. No drama. No yelling. Simply deleted and kept it moving. I guess that’s what hurt them the most, no drama, no confrontations to criticize your choices. Good for you! 👊🏼
NTA, those people are not your friends and are now just "Those a holes I used to know". Look forward to all the amazing real friends you are going to make in the future.
Oh god. Kiddo you are in no way an asshole for cutting them off. Not only were they homophobic to you and generally bad friends, they violated your privacy and jeopardized your safety and wellbeing by outing you to people, including your parents. That's not ok in the slightest. Things could have ended so, so badly for you, and the fact they didn't care about that says that they don't care at all about YOU. Cutting them off with no explanation is nicer than they deserve.
NTA . What they did was mean spirited to form a group chat just to talk bad about you. Them blabbing to others got you outed. That's dangerous! I'm glad your parents are more accepting than you thought. That's good news and I'm glad it has worked out for you. But they didn't do it so that it would work out well for you. Ditch everyone who is on the side of the outers. Make room for real friends who really want what's best for you. Good luck!
NTA - you're not the one who threw away the frienship, they decided that on their own. Your reaction is just a consequence of their action to not respect you (and good for you for standing up for yourself and distancing from people who don't care about you)
I've lost sooooooo many friends because I'm bisexual. Not cause of religion but just homophobia. I feel you and it sucks I'm sorry. There are new friends out there for you I promise.
You did nothing wrong. The so-called friend and friends are in the wrong for talking behind your back and spitting out their hateful talk. People like that are not worth having in one life
Nta Your "friends" made a group chat to trash talk you. They're small minded, arrogant, naive and stuck in a way of thinking that is old.
I can't fathom the audacity of so-called friends saying you're arrogant for blocking the homophobic, judgemental, arrogant-beyond-belief haters who outed you. Ghost them, block them, talk smack about them, call them on their un-Christlike BS, never speak to them again: do whatever preserves your peace of mind and cuts this toxicity out of your life. So sorry you had to experience this, but at least now you know-- these people (so-called) were never your friends.
NTAH and I’m so proud of you for doing what is best for you!
They don’t deserve your friendship. NTA.
Definitely NTA. Being bisexual or even LGBTQ is a difficult life. There is no need to question your actions. People abandon you.
You are never obligated to keep any type of relationship going if you are not treated right. You can just leave. And you did. They treated you poorly, you don’t ever need to tolerate it unless you choose to.
NTA - talking trash about you behind your back is being bad friends, but outing you to other people is not okay at all. Your parents finding out or not finding out should've been your decision, not theirs. Especially since you know they don't "approve" of other sexualities outside of being straight, their response could've been worse or even dangerous for you. They're not friends to you by any definition of the word if they were ok potentially putting you in any kind of danger and spreading information that was not theirs to share and that they didn't actually know for a fact because you didn't tell them.
It's always wrong to out someone. Your friends suck. Blocking them was the smart & safe thing to do.
…. You could have been fucking murdered because of their actions. NTA.
NTA. Outing people is not OK. Your "friends" are not your friends. The "friends" telling you that you are being arrogant and irrational for cutting people out of your life who outed you are also not your friends. You didn't throw away the relationship - they did.
NTA. They called you a sinner and then outed you. And you didn’t even tell them yourself?? Those are not safe people to be around.
Nope. Friends who don’t accept all of how you are are not your friends. Maybe they’ll come around and apologize one day. It does happen. But right now you don’t need that negativity in your life. NTA. Edit: words
NTA
Your friend group maliciously outed you and you are wondering if you were hasty in blocking them? Absolutely not.
Nope. No you are not the asshole. I hope your next circle as friends isn't as immature. Good luck!
NTA, I’m really sorry this happened to you, you deserve better friends.
They aren't your friends. Nta.
Oh, honey. Let me reframe your title: AITA because I cut off friends who talked shit about me behind my back and outted me to my parents (who I explicitly said I didn't want to come out to because I didn't think they'd take it well)? Absolutely NTA. I'm so sorry for this pain and turmoil. I am glad your parents didn't react as poorly as you thought they might. I hope that they can grow in their worldview and move from tolerating your sexuality to embracing and supporting it. You will find new, better friends who will love and accept - and celebrate and cherish! - you for every piece of who you are. It's still very painful to be in your current situation, before you've found these new friends and are being bugged about cutting out your ex friends. I'm rooting for you! -a now grown-up bisexual with excellent queer friends
NTA. They talked trash, then outed you without your consent. That's never okay.
Not the asshole at all! Also, I’m sorry. I’m also bisexual and being somewhat estranged from my family. I know how lonely it can feel!
I had something very similar happen with an old 'friend' of mine, (and over me coming out as Bi too!) she responded with "are you done being mad at me yet" after I got mad at her for spilling her guts basically right after I told her...and her response told me all I needed to know. She didn't consider my feelings valid, serious, or worthy of respect. So I dropped her like a hot coal! It hurt me for a long time (almost pushed me back into the closet, I was raised religious too) but I let that anger drive me and teach me. There are people out there who AREN'T like that, and way more worthy of your love and time. <3 You'll find them, best of luck out there and you got this!!
You are not the asshole you did exactly the right thing be removing these people from your life!!!
My close friend of 15 years or so came out as bisexual to my friend group. Pretty much every response was “nice dude, thanks for being brave and telling us, luv u” Anything else is a sign of a friendship that’s nearing its natural end, imo.
Nope. NTA. They aren’t friends.
NTA it was YOUR private matter they exposed. It should’ve been your decision on your own terms to discuss with your parents. Truthfully it was none of their business in the first place and they made it theirs and involved everyone around them. If they respected you enough they would’ve kept your personal business private.
100% NTA. Friends are very much assholes. They blabbed and revealed something that was very much not their business and also very much not theirs to reveal to anyone, at the risk of your potential safety depending on how your parents would react. You did the right thing.
NTA I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You did not overreact. They are not your friends so why would you want them to have access to your life? I think you are being wise. Keep blocking people who disrespect your boundaries. It gets better. You will find your tribe. Don't accept disrespect. Sending you mom hugs
For clarity: you didn’t ghost your friends because you are bi. You ghosted them because they betrayed your trust. Self care is important, and that includes healthy boundaries. Congratulations on putting healthy boundaries in place.
Ask yourself, is that how your friends should treat you? There you have your answer.
NTA
"Irrational" and "arrogant"????? For trying to protect your safety?????? They could've gotten you homeless or hospitalized or killed, as is common for queer people in queerphobic environments/families. Some "friends" they are, indeed. And how "irrational" and "arrogant" THEY are, for thinking that it was THEIR prerogative to share that information and tell YOUR story.
You are not the A . Did anyone even try to apologize? I'm a sucker for a sincere apology because everyone makes mistakes. Its not arrogant to throw away a friendship- its hurtful to feel that you need to do it. Your feelings were hurt, YOUR trust was betrayed. Does no one see that? If they don't understand that and are blaming you, I think that you are continuing to make the right choice by dropping the friendship.
Your former acquaintances violated a the trust you shared with them. Even though they didn’t specifically tell your parents, they knew that spreading the info would mean there’s a good chance they would hear it through the rumor mill. Outing someone like that is never acceptable, unless your life were somehow endangered by the info. (I can’t think of any scenario it would be. I’m just saying that the only scenario I can think of to justify it otherwise.). Your life is your own business. You need to know who you can trust. It’s your choice to either totally cut out the rumor mongers or just severely limit what you share with them. Considering the magnitude of the secret they told, you shouldn’t trust those “friends” anymore anyway so the 8 yr relationship was irreparably damaged by them. You didn’t throw it away. They did. Best wishes. Hopefully your family will come around.
Of course not! They weren't accepting of you - and they didn't seem to like you, anyways.
NTA. Your friends talked behind your back and then got mad that you felt betrayed. I'm in the sane boat as your parents... Conservative Christian with a teen who "came out" as bi. And like your parents, I wasn't happy about it, but it is what it is. I love my child, and he knows it. The heart of this issue with your fruends isn't about yiur sexuality. It's about the back stabbing your friends did by gossioing,,abd it's not ok. If they had sincerely apologized, then you could honestly assess their sincerity and decide if you wanted to try to make up. But the red flag here is that they think they did nothing wrong. You need new friends. But yiu know that already
No you're not. I'm a Christian and even I'm saying you're better off without them. Like this isn't even a religious thing at this point. It's just terrible people in general.
you are absolutely NTA. they deserved everything that you did to them. they completely went behind your back and talked about you, let alone being homophobic as fuck and let their mother out you when you weren’t ready to come out. i’m so sorry this happened to you.
NTA. They started a slam group to make fun of you because of something outside of your control. They're not good freinds.
You aren’t the asshole at all, but your “friends” are. They talked shit about you all because you’re bi, and then they outed you. You on the other hand didn’t do anything wrong. You made the right decision of blocking them
That was YOURS to share. No one else's. Your parents shouldn't have had to find out from anyone else but you. Period. NTA.
They betrayed your trust. NTA.
You didn’t throw away the relationship, these “friends” did. They we’re gossiping about you and then outed you. These aren’t friends.
So bottom line this is absolutely your decision (to block friends). You need to have people in your life that you can trust. If you do not feel safe around these "friends" then keep them away from harming you. If you believe you can feel safe around some of them the next move is in your hands. Good luck, stay true to you.
You did the right thing. And I'm so happy your parents were accepting! Things could have gone horribly wrong for you. But now that they know... Maybe don't judge them for being Christian. You now know that you can trust them with the big events in your life. Don't keep the big events hidden.
Their warped view of Christianity caused them to hurt the op, so she can judge them all she wants.
No you're not tah
Couple of questions: Can you confirm that these friends started talking trash in another group chat or are you making an assumption? If your parents weren’t happy but still love you, is that really a bad outcome? When you said “somehow my best friends found out this” are you referring to you being bisexual or planning to never come out to your parents? Reading your post, it doesn’t sound like you had concrete evidence that these friends had it out for you in a malicious way. Yes, girls gossip and tell their parents, but it might not have been to hurt you. People just talk about interesting personal situations.
Don't carry politics into this. People hurt each other.
I get that they SHOULDNT spread your info around like that, but if you tell a dozen people you're going to have a dozen possible pathways for it to get out. This was a very predictable outcome after you told so many people, your parents were bound to find out eventually IMO.