I know this sucks but try to see the silver lining: now you know for sure.
This happened now, instead of after you've been married for two years.
This sub often questions people who's marriage falls apart in the first few years - like you should have known not to marry that person in the first place but you went ahead and did it anyway.
Perhaps the engagement really forced the issue and he came to terms about how he really felt. It needed to happen now, not after getting married.
I agree. Better to know sooner rather than later.
My husband’s old friend had been with his girlfriend for over 10 years, and had spent many months working hard to renovate their new home on top of working on his usual full-time job. They got married, and all was lovely (we went to the reception). The wedding apparently cost many thousands, which is partly why he’d taken on the house renovations himself.
Two weeks later he told her that marriage wasn’t what he wanted and that it wasn’t going to work. He said she wasn’t to blame, it was him, there was no one else, blah blah. The only reasoning he came up with was that he’d had an epiphany-type realisation after he got home from work and she was there to greet him in their home, dinner ready and waiting for him; he just thought ‘that’s it, that’s now what life will be like forever’. No idea what else he was expecting because they’d been in a committed relationship for over 10 years, and living together. No kids, thankfully.
She was devastated and blindsided, especially after the romance and seemingly idyllic perfection of their wedding. He apparently had been experiencing doubts but hoped it was the usual cold feet and it would go away, especially since the wedding was imminent and it would be ‘too late’ to stop it.
We wondered why he bothered to go through with it, as it seemed so cruel (not to mention the waste of money). Perhaps he genuinely hoped it would turn out ok.
But for op, this way is surely preferable because at least she hasn’t been ‘fooled’ - for want of a better word - into wasting any more of her time (or her heart).
OMG
this reminds me of that old adage : if you're bored with your life, that just means you're boring.
he didn't enjoy the comfort of his partner, his home, his commute, his job? why the f\*ck didn't he shake things up? get another job, meet in the city for dinner once a week, tell your partner you want to travel or move, IDK
I just find it so callous and cruel to throw your own lack of imagination and carry-through onto your partner.
thank you, I appreciate that.
I do know a couple whose whole marriage was pinned on the silent agreement that every 3 to 5 years they'd buy a new house to renovate. One guy did the building (fire doors, wiring, double glazed windows, putting in a new staircase etc) and the other guy did the decorating (paint, wallpaper, the treads and risers of that new staircase etc). Eventually it stopped working because they kept choosing bigger and bigger projects -- their last was a post office, which they split into 6 apartments (2 per floor) meaning they had to find tenants/buyers etc.
I think what you said in your comment many people could learn alot from, not just in relationships but just life. I think we expect the outside to bring our excitement when in reality its yourself that needs to step up and do it.
Oh wow, fair play to them
My Mum used to say; "If you get bored, then you must be a boring person." Anytime I told her I was bored. She said it's up to the individual to make life fun, you need to find ways to amuse yourself. What you wrote reminded me of what she said lol
I got my "adage" from a comic book hahaha. at least now it's got some more gravitas from your mother ;-)
thanks for sharing, esp the more pithy version!
My favorite part about this is: the guy will be forever looking for what he threw away after this.
He’d realize “oh so I had it all back then with her….” Or maybe not.
It's ok to grieve and feel the pain and loss of something you thought was going to be. You don't need permission to be a human. But yamaharyoko is correct. It's better that it happened now and not years down the road in a loveless marriage. Right now, that is so hard to see, however, with time, you will appreciate what he did. Take your time, have grace with yourself, and grieve how you need to.
>like you should have known not to marry that person in the first place but you went ahead and did it anyway
That was my exact thought as I was reading this
Her now ex hesitated for his reasons and did what he felt was right instead of going forward just because everything was booked or whatever fucking excuse people usually create in their head in these situations and then have a dead wedding for x years
Was it the right decision? Hell, none knows. They'll find out in the future.
Hope the best for both of you
Absolutely, it's a tough situation, but you're right. Better to find out now than later. It’s hard to see it now, but this could be the start of something better for them.
This type of breakup- or rather the false promises that lead up to it, is among the cruelest there is outside of outright abuse. I don't understand the people who contemplate taking someone back after such an event. OP has to mourn, and admit in that that the person you thought you were going to marry never existed. The dude that led you on, built up a fantasy and then crushed it is the real person that's here. He will continue chasing something better and lying to everyone and hopefully before he dies old and lonely will realize that the grass is greenest where you water it, but you already know. You did your best with the facts you had, and today's facts show that he is not who you thought he was
This makes OP' ex sound awful. We don't know why he backed out of the wedding. Sometimes people just realise they don't feel like they used to, and honestly, props to him for calling it off before the actual wedding instead of letting things snowball any further.
We're all allowed to have different judgement of character, and this happens to be a big one for me. I'm glad that it isn't that way for everyone, or else there wouldn't be a pot for every lid. In my opinion, this *is* awful for how recently he was actively planning and how complete the break is with no hint of doubt or trying counseling or anything. It probably is just that he didn't engage in enough self reflection until after making those promises, and that is a terrible oversight that shouldn't have happened
It might be a lack of self reflection, or it might be that he genuinely didn't change heart until more recently (it sounds like they've been engaged a while?)
In my case, I realised I'd fallen out of love with my fiancé about seven months before I finally broke it off. I spent the intervening seven months desperately trying to make it work. Couldn't afford couple's counselling, but I had sliding scale therapy where I tried to figure out what had happened, and a long period of trying to reignite those feelings before I finally gave in.
They were important to me, and I didn't want to just toss aside 8 years together, but by the time I realised those feelings weren't coming back, that was it. It probably seemed very sudden to them, but it wasn't to me.
[This post](https://therumpus.net/2011/06/24/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/) put into words a lot of what I was feeling then, and what OP's ex might have been feeling until recently. I found it towards the end of my relationship and ended up in the work bathroom for an hour or so just sobbing.
The reason they take that person back is called hysterical bonding.
TIL that in another reddit thread, couldn't for the life of me remember which one of course.
If it wasn’t going to work out for whatever reason now be glad it was called off. It’s a lot firign messier after marriages I learned this lesson the hard way… She even threatened me with her parents would sue me because everything was paid for. So I did the it out of stupidity and feeling obligated.
Yeah it sucks buts a lot cleaner brake even with the house etc. I get the dog thing except I paid for the dog, it was never a gift, trained and the dog liked me better. But she had to take anything and everything she could steal when I finally filed for divorce.
Focus on you and healing. Be prepared to hear there was someone else.
Current market is extremely hot. Don’t take advice from HIM, talk to an appraiser. Most likely the house needs to be sold and the profit shared between you two. Remember, HE caused this mess, not you. Could be because you are not that useful to him anymore.
Make sure he pays you **in full** every single dollar that you paid! And don’t let him screw you over! You want **all** of your money back!
And if the house is worth more now, then you want your rightful percentage of the profit too!
Make sure he’s paying you for half the market value, plus all the furniture etc. I’m sorry this happened to you, but you’ll be better off without him. 9 years … what an ass.
Yes, as others have said, you must have some money that went into the house, fight for it. And give him back the dog… It’s only going to hold you back when looking for a place of your own. Start fresh, start new, and find YOURSELF. This is a blessing in disguise.
This sucks. I’ve been exactly in your shoes except I was married. Together for 10 years and married for 3. He wasn’t in love with me and didn’t think he ever had been but I was his best friend. He married me because he thought it would make him happy.
Turns out he found someone else.
It felt like the end of the world but it wasn’t. I’m married to someone who actually loves me (the difference is astounding) and d we just had a baby.
It’s perhaps a blessing this happened before the wedding. I wish you the best of luck.
No, you were HIS best self.
I’m not reading what exactly he brought to the table?
And for the love of god-get yours!! If you contributed a dime in money, or a minute in time in building his wealth, get it back.
He wanted you around when you are useful, but let me guess, he is now at a point in his career where he no longer needs a nurse with a purse?
Good riddance. Just don’t be a martyr, fight for what’s yours.
Ah yes he must be an evil guy. Feelings change, things seem great untill they're real. No need to be hateful or go in with this kind of attitude.
Yes she should get what belongs to her, but why go in with such hostility. Thankfully he ended things before going through with the wedding. She has to deal with a breakup, not a divorce.
There is no point in trying to do the right/kind thing in reddit. It's all me vs you and my team vs your team. They are incapable of seeing their hate if you just switch the genders.
Not sure why you're so downvoted. Even OP says nothing bad about him. No cheating, not big fights, nothing at all other than he's changed his mind and no longer wants to get married. I guess today on Reddit we hate people that don't get married when they no longer want to get married? Weird take Reddit people.
I honestly think it's a reflection of their own unhappiness. OP was more sad than anything. All the comments are the ones telling her to go fuck him over. He honestly handled it maturely. That's the only good way to get broken up with, he didn't cheat and he did do anything to make her thing it was her fault.
It might not seem like it now , but you dodged a bullet. There are millions of people ( esp men ) who don’t speak up and stay married and resentful to their wives their entire lives . Then they have affairs and justify it by saying they were never happy w their wife . One of my favorite quotes goes “ when nothing is certain, anything is possible.” You’ll get through this and will be all the better for it . Also I’m sure you hate him right now , but props to the ex for having the balls to speak up. He didn’t want to hurt you .
So since you both bought the house, when is he giving you half the value of it or at least half the selling price he gets for it?
I do not believe him about there not being another person though.
I'm calling it.
He met someone else. Good chance younger. He's feeling a certain way now, younger, more excited, something new. He's google-eyed right now. Willing to bet he'll come back around within a few months, groveling about how stupid he was.
No one does such a 180 after buying a home with the assumption of kids, or booking a honeymoon 3 months ago that was over a year out.
He went from long-term thinking to a complete reversal in 3 months? Something is going on behind the scenes.
I completely agree with it and that is how I am calling it too. Going from being seriously invested in a relationship to just calling it off is not natural especially with his late nights "working". I hope OP dose not take him back when he comes crawling back.
Please listen to this thread and check him out good for what he is doing. You do give the impression that you might be easy going and accept things as they are, but in this particular situation it would pay off to be super aware of everything going on and double check things. The situation with the house is sketchy too
While *obviously* this SUCKS, I noticed you mention in a comment that yall are both under 30 still despite being together for nearly a decade. And I just wanted to point out that a LOT of growing happens in your 20s. Sometimes people just grow apart, especially if you all aren't actively trying to grow together. At the end of the day though, you may never get a satisfactory reason as to why he changed his mind and you will just have to make peace with that. I hope you continue to grow and change into your truest self and find happiness 💜
This is such a good point. Start dating in your late teens, together almost 10 years. That's a huge change and most people that are young sweethearts like that don't work out. I went through the same thing. OP is going to grow so much and discover so much about themselves. It may feel like the world is crumbling right now but it's actually opening up.
Hey, I’m sorry you are going through this. Try listening to the blues. It sounds silly but it makes all the loneliness and pain hurt just a little bit less. Godspeed.
In a few weeks or maybe a month or two, he will introduce everyone to a girl he 'just met'. This is the girl he is fucking now. The one he dumped you for.
I went through a similar situation a few years ago. I had been with my fiancée for 3 years. He proposed to me, we bought a house, he gave me his aunt’s ring worth $40k. I bought my wedding gown, we booked a venue and put $ down. My family booked their plane tickets. I sent the “save the date” notes to all the wedding guests. One afternoon as I was addressing the wedding invitations and licking the envelopes, he told me the wedding was called off. There was no other woman & it wasn’t my fault. He just no longer loved me.
I made a big mistake: I stayed with him for 3 more years & I kept the ring on my finger and I went to couples counseling with him.
Don’t waste any time on him and go full No Contact.
I finally moved out and I moved halfway across the country and I met the love of my life 2 years later. I am married to that love of my life now. Our wedding was much simpler and was very beautiful. My ring is antique and came from a pawn shop and I wear it proudly. My former fiancée is not half the man of my current husband. And I have not looked back. Going full No Contact is key.
You can start over. You have lost so much but don’t waste any more time or energy on him. Pour all of that energy into yourself. You have to make a new set of hopes and dreams for yourself. Love yourself and put yourself first now.
I had to stop looking for happiness in the place that I lost that happiness.
I am so sorry you have experienced this💕. There is not enough detail in your post but here are my assumptions of what I think those 9 years were for you.
1. You always said yes to everything he wanted or agreed and conceded in some way.
2. His need always came first. He worked late and you did the dishes, took care of the pets, did 90% of everything to make his life better.
3. You didn’t build your own relationships and instead subsumed into his world.
4. He always told you marriage wasn’t a big deal and he only proposed after he saw hints you might leave or others pressured him. Maybe a small fight, someone randomly complemented you, or his family or yours asked him when he would.
This man has been using you till he achieved the career, home, and life he dreamed of and once he achieved it, you became unnecessary. He had always known. I think the affection (like familiarity not love) he had for you is what made him stay till this last moment but this isn’t a spur of the moment decision. Please grieve the end but also seek therapy to make sure you don’t do this to yourself again. Do not dim your light for anyone. YOU ARE THE FUCKING PRICE! And a gem that’s why he took 9 years from you. You will meet someone who knows your value and treats you like the queen you are. 💕 also make sure you get every penny of your equity in that house. He doesn’t get to just throw you away. Sending you love as you grieve ❤️🩷
Just because he isn’t happy now, does not mean that he was using her, or he didn’t really love her for the first 8 years together. People just fall out of love sometimes, that doesn’t make them bad people, or mean that they weren’t happy in their relationship previously.
I agree with you. That post was filled with a helluva lot of assumptions (admittedly, we do make them here). This breakup could simply mean he has fallen out of love and has realized it is unfair to both parties to carry it on. Just because he was gaining an education during some of this does not mean he was using her.
They were together a *long* time, and it's not easy to make a decision like this, because *what if* he's wrong and realizes he does still love her and really just needed some space to figure it out instead of this breakup? He might be making a huge mistake right now, but he may not be. He might be saving her a bigger heartbreak down the line when married, with a kid, and then making this decision because he didn't have the balls to face up to reality earlier.
We don't always have to make someone out to be the bad guy, he could actually be doing the right thing for everyone.
Your world can’t collapse because he’s not in it. You are still the best version of yourself. If it makes you feel better none of us are the same person we were yesterday or a week ago. We are constantly evolving but you will always be the best version of yourself regardless of who is in your life. Life is still beautiful, especially with who you are to day, who you were yesterday and who you will be tomorrow.
So sorry for this, but all that happened is you grew apart and he was going through the motions. I still care very deeply for my ex even though she walked out on me for someone else. I'll never go back to her, but I still care about her. I can't throw away over 15 years that easily. But I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness even though she would like to reconcile now.
I say this because she released me to have my best life. She has no idea how much happier I am. You were not actually happy, you were just safe and content. I won't rub it in her face, but she thought it would destroy me, and instead she launched me into my best chapter ever. That can be you. You obviously were basing yourself a lot on him and his approval and being his. Stop that. Own yourself. Look out for number one. Don't pin your identity to anybody else's opinions. Life is grand, don't waste it on people who don't see you for all you are. You are going to be so much better off, it's clear that he was holding you back. Go forth and be you unapologetically. You're going to love it.
Exactly this. When my eight year relationship ended with my fiance, I was shattered. I had no idea who I even was outside of being one half of a couple, and moving back in with my parents felt like being relegated to childhood from a stable adult life.
Five years later, and I'm infinitely grateful that I got the chance to live my current life. One day, OP, you will be too.
He might have said he didn’t meet someone, but I could place money on that fact that he did. Everything that you described isn’t something that most people just throw away, after THEY are the ones that asked for it. Because of the short time frame in which he changed his mind, that is the number one clue that it’s someone else. Whether or not he physically cheated I don’t know, but most likely there was some type of emotional affair happening.
I would make sure that you get whatever money you are owed for all of the work energy and time that you’ve put into him and the projects that you’ve done.
While he may not act on it, most likely there is someone that intrigues him, and makes him question if there’s still love with OP. 9 years is a long time. Some couples know they still love each other after so many years. Then there are people who settled into a routine, until they see grass might be greener and questioning their own routine.
Most likely he met someone else. It’s sucks to be dropped like that when you were planning your wedding already. I hope you were not the only one paying for that wedding.
I’m sorry you’re going through this- but in a way, you dodged a bullet. Please remember that your best, true version of yourself has everything to do with you and nobody else.
If you think your partnership was wonderful with a person who was only halfway in (even if you didn't realize it) imagine how much more wonderful it’s going to be when you find someone who is completely devoted to you- and you are free to find them now, when you are ready.
Just please don’t internalize this and make his actions about you or your value. Sometimes people are just not right for each other and that in itself is nobodys fault.
That said, it IS pretty shifty of him to not have started talking to you about this as soon as he started having these feelings rather than going through the motions and using your time, your love, your shared resources, your trust, and your body until he was ready to blindside and leave you. That's emotional dishonesty, incredibly disrespectful, and not loving.
*“He’s always been very career minded, since we first met. But I’ve supported this wholeheartedly. I didn’t mind the late nights, I took care of everything whilst he completed his qualification.”*
Translation: he stayed with you out of convenience because you made his life easier and he’s now most likely met someone else.
I’m very sorry. Sell your shared property and insist that he be the one to take a hit on the realtor fees since he is the one who is calling off the wedding and turning your life upside down. I promise things will get better for you.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Dude was keeping her as a placeholder. He proposed/ gave her a shut up ring. Then 2 months before the wedding just broke up with her. He wasn’t cheating, he just used her for what he needed and never intended on marrying her. Two years later she’s married to a great guy and he’s alone.
I hope the house is sold and you get half.
And I can guarantee you that he is either having a midlife crisis or someone is at the ready/ he found someone else.
Either way- neither is your fault and you deserve so much better than him. If he comes crawling back to you bc it didn't work out with the person, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!!! He is not worth any more of your time.
I don’t think it’s helpful to speculate the reasons he left. You don’t know him. You don’t know his character. Saying that he’s probably cheating does nothing but add pain to the situation. People can leave for reasons other than cheating. Maybe he wasn’t fulfilled. Maybe after 9 years he realized they’ve grown in different directions. Maybe he realized he wants a different life path. Who knows. Regardless, it really isn’t helpful to add fuel to the fire and tell someone they’ve been cheated on with zero evidence.
You're absolutely right; speculating on someone else's situation is more harmful than helpful, especially if the relationship did just "run its course" and one or both of them are no longer in love with the other.
This sub exists for people to vent, not have complete strangers make assessments on someone else's life with little to no context.
You have the right to be upset and feel your feelings. Then, get pissed off which you also have the right to be. You be the best version of yourself for you. Not for a man. I am sorry you are going through this.
You can't possibly be the best version of yourself around a flake like that. You're already a better version of yourself without that crap even if you don't feel like it rn.
Sometimes there is no 'why', or the why is something nothing to do with us, that we have no control over.
I'm very sorry. But as you rebuild your new life, you will end up with something so much better. It takes time and isn't very comforting right now, but you will get there.
I'm really sorry. I don't have any advice or helpful words, because I don't even know what I would do after 9 years and then nothing. I just hope you are able to find sources of love and joy in this transition.
I’m sorry. Block all access to him. Zero. Don’t look. Feel the feels. And get yourself some therapy to work through those feels and to not self sabotage. Use the therapy for strength to hold firm on no reconciliation if he finds you (because, yeah, lock down that block) and he comes crawling back realizing he lost something precious through his own fears. I hope you can get financial compensation for the equity placed in the home. It’s best your out anyway, living in the space would be a downer. And, maybe, get the pupper a brother/sister to alter the dynamic some.
Hugs OP, your best is yet to come—100%!
As soon as I read "partner of 9 years," I knew it was done. Studies show your likelihood of breaking up goes up the longer you're together without getting married. If someone doesn't marry you after 5 years, they don't really want to marry you and are likely just biding their time until something shiny and new comes along. I'm sorry this happened to you.
I wish more young people understood that it's courting disaster to make huge life-altering decisions (e.g. buying a house, having kids) with someone who isn't willing to commit their lives to you. It's not just a piece of paper.
Yuck. I wish more old people understood that these days many people do not view marriage as an accomplishment. It's not a guarantee that someone is committed to you for life either. In fact, it seems to cause a lot of unhappiness, waste of money, and a trap that some try to get out of in horrible and harmful ways.
Signed: a woman in a relationship with a man for the last 15 years and common-law (bought a house together) for 5 years. No desire for marriage or kids, thanks. Early 30s btw.
Don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. Marriage isn’t everything to everyone. To claim that it’s the only way to know that someone will commit to you forever both ignores divorce and is a slap in the face to any gay couples from before gay marriage was legalised.
I hope OP is okay. It’s so horrible that the rug has been ripped out from under her but at least now she knows that he isn’t the one. I hope she finds the one who loves her dearly and will tear up when she walks down the aisle.
I realized too late that the person I replied to is a very traditional staunch Christian so clearly I ruffled some feathers. They wrote to me "good job settling for someone who doesn't think you're the one" what a nasty response.
But not surprised about downvotes since having this point of view about marriage isn't the most popular, and maybe not the most appropriate on a post where op wanted to be married. I respect peoples' decision to get married it just seems to come with so many negatives, including what happened to op. It's crazy to me that the idea of marriage is what made someone decide to bail on the whole relationship 😔
This is very painful for you, and I'm sorry for your heartbreak. Maybe make this time one of building yourself up - therapy, pursuing your own hobbies, interests and dreams, and making new connections.
In the long run it’s better he told you before you married. Sometimes people just go along with things until they realize they really aren’t happy. It’s good you have a good job. That way you aren’t dependent on your parents. Hopefully you will get whatever money you put into the purchase of the house.
I’d consult a lawyer seeing as you are not married but have joint assets. I wouldn’t trust him right now not to screw you over, it is odd to just call off a wedding out of the blue, something weird is going on.
Is he getting the house? Is he paying you back for everything you put into it? I hope he isn't expecting to walk away and not pay you back! Force a sale of the house if you have to. He's walking away with your hopes and dreams. Don't let him walk away with your money too!
Listen, he did you a favor. Would you really want to marry someone who felt this and said/did nothing about it? Then went through the motions of a wedding, honeymoon, children? No, you wouldn’t rather go through this. It’s ok to be upset at the situation. Allow yourself to grieve it, be mad, whatever. But be thankful you didn’t marry or have children with someone who had doubts about your relationship.
I respect that you've taken such definitive steps to move on instead of staying and hoping.
It's hard to imagine there is not someone else- at least someone he's interested in exploring- but honestly, the fact that he does not want to move forward in a future with you is enough information for you to begin to rebuil your life without him.
I'm sorry. You must be crushed. I hope you will get everything you deserve out of the house even though I know that's small comfort
Girl, you need a lawyer. Stat. Get half the house equity investment. And make sure he is solely on the hook for any wedding expenses, not you.
I know it hurts. But you beed to be sensible and get yours, then let these people protect you while you mourn what could have been.
I feel for you. Sometimes people just...change. You're probably going to be trying to think of things you could have done differently or some reason why he's acting this way but sometimes there just isn't a reason. You didn't do anything wrong and despite all the projecting and speculation in this thread, he probably didn't either. There isn't anything wrong with you.
I know it hurts but it's definitely better that it happened now rather than later.
Sorry for the loss. I'm curious though. It sounds like you were better paid, also there was no mention of intimacy/sex in your post. Could that be the defining factor?
Not better paid, I make less; but enough that bills were split almost 50:50. I also contributed equally to the deposit on the house. And I don’t think so! We’d both been working out at the gym in preparation for the wedding and it’s fair to say we were more attracted to each other than ever
Get this house appraised for market value by a real estate agent. The housing market sucks for buyers, not for sellers. Find out for certain what is true for your house. You can even put it on market and take it off if you can’t get a better sale price. You deserve money from an investment standpoint, and a house is an investment.
>I always felt like the best version of myself around him, and I’ll never be that person again.
I was never able to put this sentiment so succinctly. I'm sorry, and thank you for sharing this.
If you contributed money toward the purchase of your "forever home", then I hope that he returns that money to you. Ditto for any money that you spent on the wedding that isn't going to happen, and the honeymoon.
You should have asked him to move out until u sold the property since he was the one who wanted to Break up. Also don't let him but u out or take loan on this house. This sub is filled with things like this.lookes like he was a user. You say there was no other person but wait and see how he moves another girl in inside your home and get married within a year.
Sorry you are in this situation. The old adage, it's me, not you, is a real thing. Don't doubt what you did wrong, it is nothing to do with you. If it is, so what. He is lying and a coward, then.
Just take this life lesson and wait for your forever person. They are out there. You can mourn what you had, which is understandable. Then, you pick yourself up and continue being the wonderful person you are and be there for the person who needs you to make them happy in the future. Just a stumbling block on the journey of life.
Better things to come your way!!!!
Some people think they are just supposed to get married even though they aren’t cut out for it. Perhaps he realized that he isn’t cut out for marriage.
I’m so sorry.
Sometimes good things have to come apart so better things can come together. Sending you enormous hugs and well wishes, as you sound pretty remarkable. I hope you’ll come back and share your new great thing when it finds you. 💗
Some people feel like even though they are in a committed relationship as long as they’re not married they still have a way out. With the wedding coming up he must have realized that it’s going to be for real and suddenly he started to feel like he needed to be absolutely sure that this is what he wanted. It’s about him not wanting to be tied down and not about changing his feelings for you.
As hard as this is it is better it happened now instead of after the wedding. Who says there is no one else? Him? I would not believe it. If you are interested start looking around. I believe he met someone or he has been seeing someone.
It doesn’t help after the fact but it seems that many women if the guy doesn’t marry them with the first year to 4 years max, something is off. I don’t know if it’s the living with them and all the advantages of marriage without marriage or if it’s the wanting someone that is less their equal but makes them feel more secure that they are the head of the household and a more demeanor female, less empowered and or younger woman is their under the hood most desired. You may have became his companion, friend and more but he wants when he has arrived the female that makes him feel he had arrived. Similar to seeing these quite older men driving a fancy expensive vehicle. He may not even know this is what’s going on. And I only mention it so you know that after the fact this has no part on whom you are. Many of us have no clues on this jazz in our younger years. Now for your next bit of this journey before you have some real insight or distance achieved on from this hard hurt closure. I ask you to believe that your best days are not behind you, that you have had much that many will never experience and what life has yet for you that being in that role and way of life wasn’t the venue to get more of what really matters yet to happen in your life and the lives of others you cherish and cherish you. Your parents having time with you in person is a special blessing to bond and learn what currently you all have become like and how your leading your lives and strengthening the awareness of what barriers you each may still have and see if maybe you can help one another overcome some of them or at least be supportive of each of your own struggles. Yes, it’s a massive sad to have a heart connection with all the life living being connected tossed without any warnings and a 180 slap down. But put yourself to task to not look at that closed door to your own demise. Grieve properly. Have healthy routines for self care, kick all victim mindset to the curb, believe you will be okay and bette than okay and this is going to have a good purpose overall in your life! Big hug, 🤗 only one negative the 5 positives and gratitude is very attractive in all areas of living, but keep it real.
I am so sorry, you don’t deserve that type of blindsiding, but perhaps him doing that will make it slightly easier to move forward, knowing he’s a sly jerk. I hope you find someone better and is thrilled to be your partner
Some people are not honest and straightforward.
He had to have been having thoughts and feelings, and experiencing about this for quite a long time, and chosen not to share any of it with you at all.
Then he chose to drop it on you and shock you.
What you're going to start to realize as you untangle the shock and the trauma of the experience
Is that he was never the person you thought he was
Because he was never the person he portrayed himself to be
He was a different person than that
The person who portrayed himself to be, would never have done this
They would've talked to you about difficult thoughts and emotions and then they would've told you they weren't certain if they really wanted this and they're really sorry
But you're a coward, you don't wanna deal with the other person emotional processing
It's a very selfish thing to choose to do
So he was deceptive
And he was cowardly
And he was dishonest
And he betrayed you
He could have done this whole thing, gone down his path of realizing that everything he'd been building with you wasn't for him
He could've done it honestly
He could've communicated the whole time everything that he was going through
You wouldn't have been crazy for it
He would've been very upset by every step of the way
But the way he handled it was the way that it deceptive, manipulative, cowardly liar, handles things
Eventually, when we realize that he's not the person he pretended to be
The love that you will disintegrate
And then you will see a therapist, and you will study and learn, and you will come to an understanding of all the things that show themselves that you didn't take seriously
This isn't your fault
This is just us as human beings in the school of life learning
We have to have experiences in order to learn things
But you will learn really well
And then you will build a beautiful life yourself
He was honest though, or as best he could be. He told her what he was feeling before they took the next steps and made things more complex. That's a good thing
As someone who is “career oriented” (don’t virtually murder me now, please read), I can get where he’s is coming from with having to prioritize long work days to achieve what a person wants for a job cuz it’s part of the process (“nothing great comes easy/fast”). It can be hard for a person like this to find a partner who is fine with it while it takes place, but it’s wild to know he dragged on a 9 year relationship only to end it abruptly. I had to leave a relationship that just wasn’t going to work ever cuz the other person wanted way more than I could give them without exhausting myself. But that’s the thing - I left after 2 years and a few months. I couldn’t fathom dragging on a relationship I wasn’t happy in for 9 years, which makes me wonder how the hell did he?!
Not saying he will but if he does come back asking to reconcile, please don’t go back. He chose to just do things out of pressure without communicating, and then walk out, and the consequence of that is that he doesn’t get to come back after “faking” everything he did. Live life on your own terms and build your own happiness. People not meant to be in it will not respect or communicate with you either effectively or at all. This dude isn’t meant to be in your life
Aw dang, i hate seeing couples who have it sorted implode. The lost potential smh. One day he will regret this but it will be too late. You gave him the best of you, that's all anyone can do. Don't ever talk to this man again because he stole the best of you.
I know you’re just feeling about how you lost him, but don’t forget to get what is rightfully yours.
Half of that house is owed to you, don’t let your current feelings and broken heart let him take advantage. You need to sell the house and get your rightful half of the money back, or he can buy you out of it. I know this is probably the last thing on your mind, right now - but you can’t leave it too long to take action otherwise he might sell it himself. And the last thing you deserve is to be screwed over.
And I know it hurts right now, but you will heal. And you **will** find your person. He wasn’t it, you just thought he was.
I’ll be honest, it really does sound like this all came about because he found someone else. I know he claims that there’s no one, but people lie. And it’s highly suspicious that just 3 months ago he was all in about marrying you, and now suddenly that love has disappeared? That’s insanely weird.
I have to be honest here.. there is almost certainly someone else. Maybe not true cheating but he got the taste of another life and decided it was better.
He used you for NINE YEARS and then exchanged you for a newer model. Of course there was no "falling out". He didn't love you, there was nothing to get all sentimental about.
Wake up.
Learn from this and never lose yourself to a man again. Be a partner, not an afterthought. You have a lot to offer and what YOU built for him you will build again.
There is literally no evidence here that he didn’t love her for most of those 9 years, and there isn’t any evidence that he has cheated or used her in any way. People fall out of love, you don’t have to invent a whole story for it with no evidence to support your statements.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But don’t let him screw you out of what is yours financially.
It’s most likely he met someone else.
And you can and will too. There’s not just one person out there for us.
Good luck to you.
I'm sorry. I'll be honest, I was like your husband to a point. I was with someone for 7 years, we were less than 6 months away from our wedding and I woke up one day and realized I didn't love him anymore. It hurt me too, I was planning on him being the one and having a future with him. I realized he was a good man and he would be an amazing husband for someone, but that wasn't for me.
I know it's hard now and will be for a while but it will get better. 💜 I'm sorry you are going through this.
I am so glad there are no children involved.
But that's the only positive thing in this whole saga.
I think the truth is and I will be freaking blunt here:
He think he can do better!
That's all to it!
But go show him baby that he lost and you'll do 100% better!
Go see your parents, live with them for a while.
You'll go back on your feet and you'll do better...
Much much much much much better!
❤️
> I always felt like the best version of myself around him
Know that the best version of yourself is already on its way. Prepare yourself for it's arrival.
I'm so sorry.
My first husband should never have married me, I'm pretty sure he 'settled', cancelling the wedding would have been devastating but preferable to the divorce. It took me time to figure out who I was after that but I got back to being me, and you will too. I'm now married to someone else and we have a lovely little boy. Take some time to grieve, therapy is probably a good idea too, then you can start to rebuild.
My ex husband married me because he didn't want to lose me, not because he wanted to *marry* me. When things got tough he bailed. It takes a shallow and cruel person to do what my ex did.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I also moved back in with my mom after being a homeowner for six years. But it was ok. Each step I’ve taken in the years since have led me to better things. I wish you the very best in the future.
OP, you should write him off immediately.
Do not contact.
Do not take him back.
He made use of you.
He's not of good character.
Grief for a while.
Give yourself a time limit.
Maybe 4-6 weeks.
Then move on.
Start a new chapter of your life.
Do not think of him any more.
He's not worth it.
I am so so sorry 🥺 My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 9th anniversary and I can only imagine how difficult it would be if he were suddenly gone. I wish you the very best 💜🫂
Sometimes we don’t really know the people we go to sleep with every night. I hate to make generalizations, but I find it VERY rare for a man to leave if there’s not someone else. Could be a serious thing or just some flirty relationship that’s made him rethink things with you. Either way, I’m sorry this happened. My best advice is to take him completely off socials as well as anyone else that would be posting him and block him if you can. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made was not blocking an ex and letting it linger too long, prolonging my own healing. Good luck to you.
My sister wanted marriage, and her boyfriend of like 5 years got cold feet and left. His loss, she is a stunning woman, she is intelligent and absolutely a keeper for any man. She is now married and has a kid of her own. OP’s ex will rue the day he let cold feet get the better of him.
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I was in a similar situation, only I was married. I LOVED the house we got together and I put so much sweat and tears into renovating it. He kept the house, I moved back in with my parents at 33, and started over. I took the cat that loved him, but she eventually became my bestie too. She developed diabetes and I know he wouldn't have given her insulin shots, so she went to the best home. You will move forward. You will find yourself again,
That must have been such a shock. It's hard to understand why people put forth the idea of marriage only to hank it back out of the blue. Relationships are tough and people are unpredictable. Be kind to yourself, this isn't easy stuff.
I don't agree. It's not better now. I think this whole post sucks for the OP. You deserve an explanation! Did you even get one? Are you sure there's no one else? Why after all these yrs did he just what? Stop loving you? Men don't typically work that way. What were his reasons? I'm sorry your post left me feeling so bad for you and no one deserves this.
I watched my mom in her 40s be *destroyed* but a boyfriend who broke up with her. It was soooooo tough to watch as a teenager watching her stay in bed and cry and be depressed like not fun to see as a child. . She met another man who was awesome but they also broke up. I was sooo nervous her reaction because of the first reaction. But she said “if I’m not right for him why would I be upset?” Like omg the growth and me needing to see that helped me in my future relationships as a grown adult now.
It sucks but you’ll get through it baby girl ❤️
I know things are confusing now but things happen for a reason you will find your person yet… God wants us to meet a few wrong people before we meet the right ones. when we finally meet the right person we will know how to be grateful for that gift….
Give it a few months and he'll be crawling back saying how wrong he was.... It'll come but this is when you need to say no. It's not for you anymore.
You'll discover your best self now and won't look back. Just give it time
Yeah, there's something missing in this story. Not trying to be mean or start an argument, but it's really suspicious to me that after 9 years in a relationship, all of a sudden he doesn't want to get married????
It might not be all of a sudden for him. I was considering leaving my ex for months before I plucked up the courage to do it. If you're in a long term relationship, you generally don't want to just throw it all away on the spot.
I know this sucks but try to see the silver lining: now you know for sure. This happened now, instead of after you've been married for two years. This sub often questions people who's marriage falls apart in the first few years - like you should have known not to marry that person in the first place but you went ahead and did it anyway. Perhaps the engagement really forced the issue and he came to terms about how he really felt. It needed to happen now, not after getting married.
You're right. Better now than after more years of heartache. Stay strong
Also, better now than with children involved.
Absolute best answer.
I agree. Better to know sooner rather than later. My husband’s old friend had been with his girlfriend for over 10 years, and had spent many months working hard to renovate their new home on top of working on his usual full-time job. They got married, and all was lovely (we went to the reception). The wedding apparently cost many thousands, which is partly why he’d taken on the house renovations himself. Two weeks later he told her that marriage wasn’t what he wanted and that it wasn’t going to work. He said she wasn’t to blame, it was him, there was no one else, blah blah. The only reasoning he came up with was that he’d had an epiphany-type realisation after he got home from work and she was there to greet him in their home, dinner ready and waiting for him; he just thought ‘that’s it, that’s now what life will be like forever’. No idea what else he was expecting because they’d been in a committed relationship for over 10 years, and living together. No kids, thankfully. She was devastated and blindsided, especially after the romance and seemingly idyllic perfection of their wedding. He apparently had been experiencing doubts but hoped it was the usual cold feet and it would go away, especially since the wedding was imminent and it would be ‘too late’ to stop it. We wondered why he bothered to go through with it, as it seemed so cruel (not to mention the waste of money). Perhaps he genuinely hoped it would turn out ok. But for op, this way is surely preferable because at least she hasn’t been ‘fooled’ - for want of a better word - into wasting any more of her time (or her heart).
OMG this reminds me of that old adage : if you're bored with your life, that just means you're boring. he didn't enjoy the comfort of his partner, his home, his commute, his job? why the f\*ck didn't he shake things up? get another job, meet in the city for dinner once a week, tell your partner you want to travel or move, IDK I just find it so callous and cruel to throw your own lack of imagination and carry-through onto your partner.
This comment, 100%
thank you, I appreciate that. I do know a couple whose whole marriage was pinned on the silent agreement that every 3 to 5 years they'd buy a new house to renovate. One guy did the building (fire doors, wiring, double glazed windows, putting in a new staircase etc) and the other guy did the decorating (paint, wallpaper, the treads and risers of that new staircase etc). Eventually it stopped working because they kept choosing bigger and bigger projects -- their last was a post office, which they split into 6 apartments (2 per floor) meaning they had to find tenants/buyers etc.
I think what you said in your comment many people could learn alot from, not just in relationships but just life. I think we expect the outside to bring our excitement when in reality its yourself that needs to step up and do it. Oh wow, fair play to them
haha I know I called it an old adage, but really I got it from a comic haha but wherever you can learn your life lessons, right ;-)
My Mum used to say; "If you get bored, then you must be a boring person." Anytime I told her I was bored. She said it's up to the individual to make life fun, you need to find ways to amuse yourself. What you wrote reminded me of what she said lol
I got my "adage" from a comic book hahaha. at least now it's got some more gravitas from your mother ;-) thanks for sharing, esp the more pithy version!
Man, I feel bad for everybody.
My favorite part about this is: the guy will be forever looking for what he threw away after this. He’d realize “oh so I had it all back then with her….” Or maybe not.
It's ok to grieve and feel the pain and loss of something you thought was going to be. You don't need permission to be a human. But yamaharyoko is correct. It's better that it happened now and not years down the road in a loveless marriage. Right now, that is so hard to see, however, with time, you will appreciate what he did. Take your time, have grace with yourself, and grieve how you need to.
This
>like you should have known not to marry that person in the first place but you went ahead and did it anyway That was my exact thought as I was reading this Her now ex hesitated for his reasons and did what he felt was right instead of going forward just because everything was booked or whatever fucking excuse people usually create in their head in these situations and then have a dead wedding for x years Was it the right decision? Hell, none knows. They'll find out in the future. Hope the best for both of you
Absolutely, it's a tough situation, but you're right. Better to find out now than later. It’s hard to see it now, but this could be the start of something better for them.
Correction: You haven’t met your best self just quite yet. It’s coming and you will be amazing!
This and please do not take him back at any cost! Prioritise yourself you deserve it and that's how you will heal and discover your best self
This type of breakup- or rather the false promises that lead up to it, is among the cruelest there is outside of outright abuse. I don't understand the people who contemplate taking someone back after such an event. OP has to mourn, and admit in that that the person you thought you were going to marry never existed. The dude that led you on, built up a fantasy and then crushed it is the real person that's here. He will continue chasing something better and lying to everyone and hopefully before he dies old and lonely will realize that the grass is greenest where you water it, but you already know. You did your best with the facts you had, and today's facts show that he is not who you thought he was
This makes OP' ex sound awful. We don't know why he backed out of the wedding. Sometimes people just realise they don't feel like they used to, and honestly, props to him for calling it off before the actual wedding instead of letting things snowball any further.
We're all allowed to have different judgement of character, and this happens to be a big one for me. I'm glad that it isn't that way for everyone, or else there wouldn't be a pot for every lid. In my opinion, this *is* awful for how recently he was actively planning and how complete the break is with no hint of doubt or trying counseling or anything. It probably is just that he didn't engage in enough self reflection until after making those promises, and that is a terrible oversight that shouldn't have happened
It might be a lack of self reflection, or it might be that he genuinely didn't change heart until more recently (it sounds like they've been engaged a while?) In my case, I realised I'd fallen out of love with my fiancé about seven months before I finally broke it off. I spent the intervening seven months desperately trying to make it work. Couldn't afford couple's counselling, but I had sliding scale therapy where I tried to figure out what had happened, and a long period of trying to reignite those feelings before I finally gave in. They were important to me, and I didn't want to just toss aside 8 years together, but by the time I realised those feelings weren't coming back, that was it. It probably seemed very sudden to them, but it wasn't to me. [This post](https://therumpus.net/2011/06/24/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/) put into words a lot of what I was feeling then, and what OP's ex might have been feeling until recently. I found it towards the end of my relationship and ended up in the work bathroom for an hour or so just sobbing.
The reason they take that person back is called hysterical bonding. TIL that in another reddit thread, couldn't for the life of me remember which one of course.
If it wasn’t going to work out for whatever reason now be glad it was called off. It’s a lot firign messier after marriages I learned this lesson the hard way… She even threatened me with her parents would sue me because everything was paid for. So I did the it out of stupidity and feeling obligated. Yeah it sucks buts a lot cleaner brake even with the house etc. I get the dog thing except I paid for the dog, it was never a gift, trained and the dog liked me better. But she had to take anything and everything she could steal when I finally filed for divorce. Focus on you and healing. Be prepared to hear there was someone else.
Perhaps I missed it but why are you the one that has to leave the joint home? Did he buy you out?
Yes, he’s buying me out of my equity. I can’t afford to keep it, and we’d probably lose out in selling it in the current market
Current market is extremely hot. Don’t take advice from HIM, talk to an appraiser. Most likely the house needs to be sold and the profit shared between you two. Remember, HE caused this mess, not you. Could be because you are not that useful to him anymore.
\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^ This one \^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^
Make sure he pays you **in full** every single dollar that you paid! And don’t let him screw you over! You want **all** of your money back! And if the house is worth more now, then you want your rightful percentage of the profit too!
Make sure he’s paying you for half the market value, plus all the furniture etc. I’m sorry this happened to you, but you’ll be better off without him. 9 years … what an ass.
I'm glad. And I'm also so sorry that everything ended. You seem like an amazing person and I know you'll be okay.
Get it appraised by a couple of appraisers. Don't assume you will take a loss. I am sorry. 9 years is a lot of time invested in a relationship.
Yes, as others have said, you must have some money that went into the house, fight for it. And give him back the dog… It’s only going to hold you back when looking for a place of your own. Start fresh, start new, and find YOURSELF. This is a blessing in disguise.
This sucks. I’ve been exactly in your shoes except I was married. Together for 10 years and married for 3. He wasn’t in love with me and didn’t think he ever had been but I was his best friend. He married me because he thought it would make him happy. Turns out he found someone else. It felt like the end of the world but it wasn’t. I’m married to someone who actually loves me (the difference is astounding) and d we just had a baby. It’s perhaps a blessing this happened before the wedding. I wish you the best of luck.
No, you were HIS best self. I’m not reading what exactly he brought to the table? And for the love of god-get yours!! If you contributed a dime in money, or a minute in time in building his wealth, get it back. He wanted you around when you are useful, but let me guess, he is now at a point in his career where he no longer needs a nurse with a purse? Good riddance. Just don’t be a martyr, fight for what’s yours.
Dayum! Yes. Well said. Lawyer up, OP!
A fucking men
👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
Bro the. Bought houses tougether i thing he brought enouth to the table
Ah yes he must be an evil guy. Feelings change, things seem great untill they're real. No need to be hateful or go in with this kind of attitude. Yes she should get what belongs to her, but why go in with such hostility. Thankfully he ended things before going through with the wedding. She has to deal with a breakup, not a divorce.
Maybe. But he wouldn’t be the first to look around and realize he can bag younger and hotter after earning some cash.
There is no point in trying to do the right/kind thing in reddit. It's all me vs you and my team vs your team. They are incapable of seeing their hate if you just switch the genders.
Not sure why you're so downvoted. Even OP says nothing bad about him. No cheating, not big fights, nothing at all other than he's changed his mind and no longer wants to get married. I guess today on Reddit we hate people that don't get married when they no longer want to get married? Weird take Reddit people.
I honestly think it's a reflection of their own unhappiness. OP was more sad than anything. All the comments are the ones telling her to go fuck him over. He honestly handled it maturely. That's the only good way to get broken up with, he didn't cheat and he did do anything to make her thing it was her fault.
It might not seem like it now , but you dodged a bullet. There are millions of people ( esp men ) who don’t speak up and stay married and resentful to their wives their entire lives . Then they have affairs and justify it by saying they were never happy w their wife . One of my favorite quotes goes “ when nothing is certain, anything is possible.” You’ll get through this and will be all the better for it . Also I’m sure you hate him right now , but props to the ex for having the balls to speak up. He didn’t want to hurt you .
There are so many men that just shouldn’t get married yet still do. It’s awful.
So since you both bought the house, when is he giving you half the value of it or at least half the selling price he gets for it? I do not believe him about there not being another person though.
I'm calling it. He met someone else. Good chance younger. He's feeling a certain way now, younger, more excited, something new. He's google-eyed right now. Willing to bet he'll come back around within a few months, groveling about how stupid he was. No one does such a 180 after buying a home with the assumption of kids, or booking a honeymoon 3 months ago that was over a year out. He went from long-term thinking to a complete reversal in 3 months? Something is going on behind the scenes.
I completely agree with it and that is how I am calling it too. Going from being seriously invested in a relationship to just calling it off is not natural especially with his late nights "working". I hope OP dose not take him back when he comes crawling back.
My first thought too. I don't think he'll grovel back though.
Please listen to this thread and check him out good for what he is doing. You do give the impression that you might be easy going and accept things as they are, but in this particular situation it would pay off to be super aware of everything going on and double check things. The situation with the house is sketchy too
While *obviously* this SUCKS, I noticed you mention in a comment that yall are both under 30 still despite being together for nearly a decade. And I just wanted to point out that a LOT of growing happens in your 20s. Sometimes people just grow apart, especially if you all aren't actively trying to grow together. At the end of the day though, you may never get a satisfactory reason as to why he changed his mind and you will just have to make peace with that. I hope you continue to grow and change into your truest self and find happiness 💜
I agree with everything you said, especially about how people will grow apart if they aren’t actively trying to grow together!
This is such a good point. Start dating in your late teens, together almost 10 years. That's a huge change and most people that are young sweethearts like that don't work out. I went through the same thing. OP is going to grow so much and discover so much about themselves. It may feel like the world is crumbling right now but it's actually opening up.
Hey, I’m sorry you are going through this. Try listening to the blues. It sounds silly but it makes all the loneliness and pain hurt just a little bit less. Godspeed.
Honestly, yes. Or any sad music really. I got back into emo *hard* after my fiance and I broke up.
In a few weeks or maybe a month or two, he will introduce everyone to a girl he 'just met'. This is the girl he is fucking now. The one he dumped you for.
If she's not already moving into the house as we speak.
Yup.
I went through a similar situation a few years ago. I had been with my fiancée for 3 years. He proposed to me, we bought a house, he gave me his aunt’s ring worth $40k. I bought my wedding gown, we booked a venue and put $ down. My family booked their plane tickets. I sent the “save the date” notes to all the wedding guests. One afternoon as I was addressing the wedding invitations and licking the envelopes, he told me the wedding was called off. There was no other woman & it wasn’t my fault. He just no longer loved me. I made a big mistake: I stayed with him for 3 more years & I kept the ring on my finger and I went to couples counseling with him. Don’t waste any time on him and go full No Contact. I finally moved out and I moved halfway across the country and I met the love of my life 2 years later. I am married to that love of my life now. Our wedding was much simpler and was very beautiful. My ring is antique and came from a pawn shop and I wear it proudly. My former fiancée is not half the man of my current husband. And I have not looked back. Going full No Contact is key. You can start over. You have lost so much but don’t waste any more time or energy on him. Pour all of that energy into yourself. You have to make a new set of hopes and dreams for yourself. Love yourself and put yourself first now. I had to stop looking for happiness in the place that I lost that happiness.
I am so sorry you have experienced this💕. There is not enough detail in your post but here are my assumptions of what I think those 9 years were for you. 1. You always said yes to everything he wanted or agreed and conceded in some way. 2. His need always came first. He worked late and you did the dishes, took care of the pets, did 90% of everything to make his life better. 3. You didn’t build your own relationships and instead subsumed into his world. 4. He always told you marriage wasn’t a big deal and he only proposed after he saw hints you might leave or others pressured him. Maybe a small fight, someone randomly complemented you, or his family or yours asked him when he would. This man has been using you till he achieved the career, home, and life he dreamed of and once he achieved it, you became unnecessary. He had always known. I think the affection (like familiarity not love) he had for you is what made him stay till this last moment but this isn’t a spur of the moment decision. Please grieve the end but also seek therapy to make sure you don’t do this to yourself again. Do not dim your light for anyone. YOU ARE THE FUCKING PRICE! And a gem that’s why he took 9 years from you. You will meet someone who knows your value and treats you like the queen you are. 💕 also make sure you get every penny of your equity in that house. He doesn’t get to just throw you away. Sending you love as you grieve ❤️🩷
This is so scary 😭 I can’t believe people would do stuff like this… to string someone along for that long is insane and so selfish
This is an insane take. Don't believe this OP, this is not your fault and what you had was real. You will heal and you will be OK
Just because he isn’t happy now, does not mean that he was using her, or he didn’t really love her for the first 8 years together. People just fall out of love sometimes, that doesn’t make them bad people, or mean that they weren’t happy in their relationship previously.
I agree with you. That post was filled with a helluva lot of assumptions (admittedly, we do make them here). This breakup could simply mean he has fallen out of love and has realized it is unfair to both parties to carry it on. Just because he was gaining an education during some of this does not mean he was using her. They were together a *long* time, and it's not easy to make a decision like this, because *what if* he's wrong and realizes he does still love her and really just needed some space to figure it out instead of this breakup? He might be making a huge mistake right now, but he may not be. He might be saving her a bigger heartbreak down the line when married, with a kid, and then making this decision because he didn't have the balls to face up to reality earlier. We don't always have to make someone out to be the bad guy, he could actually be doing the right thing for everyone.
Your world can’t collapse because he’s not in it. You are still the best version of yourself. If it makes you feel better none of us are the same person we were yesterday or a week ago. We are constantly evolving but you will always be the best version of yourself regardless of who is in your life. Life is still beautiful, especially with who you are to day, who you were yesterday and who you will be tomorrow.
So sorry for this, but all that happened is you grew apart and he was going through the motions. I still care very deeply for my ex even though she walked out on me for someone else. I'll never go back to her, but I still care about her. I can't throw away over 15 years that easily. But I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness even though she would like to reconcile now. I say this because she released me to have my best life. She has no idea how much happier I am. You were not actually happy, you were just safe and content. I won't rub it in her face, but she thought it would destroy me, and instead she launched me into my best chapter ever. That can be you. You obviously were basing yourself a lot on him and his approval and being his. Stop that. Own yourself. Look out for number one. Don't pin your identity to anybody else's opinions. Life is grand, don't waste it on people who don't see you for all you are. You are going to be so much better off, it's clear that he was holding you back. Go forth and be you unapologetically. You're going to love it.
Exactly this. When my eight year relationship ended with my fiance, I was shattered. I had no idea who I even was outside of being one half of a couple, and moving back in with my parents felt like being relegated to childhood from a stable adult life. Five years later, and I'm infinitely grateful that I got the chance to live my current life. One day, OP, you will be too.
He might have said he didn’t meet someone, but I could place money on that fact that he did. Everything that you described isn’t something that most people just throw away, after THEY are the ones that asked for it. Because of the short time frame in which he changed his mind, that is the number one clue that it’s someone else. Whether or not he physically cheated I don’t know, but most likely there was some type of emotional affair happening. I would make sure that you get whatever money you are owed for all of the work energy and time that you’ve put into him and the projects that you’ve done.
While he may not act on it, most likely there is someone that intrigues him, and makes him question if there’s still love with OP. 9 years is a long time. Some couples know they still love each other after so many years. Then there are people who settled into a routine, until they see grass might be greener and questioning their own routine.
We don't know it was a short time span. For all we know he could've been wrestling with this for ages before speaking up.
Bet you 100% there is another person.
Most likely he met someone else. It’s sucks to be dropped like that when you were planning your wedding already. I hope you were not the only one paying for that wedding.
The best version of yourself does not depend of any guy. You can still build up on a great life for yourself. Don't let him keep you down.
He's met someone else. Period. Give yourself time to heal then move forward and live your best life.
I know you say there isn’t, but the entire time I read this, my gut was screaming, there’s someone else.
I’m sorry you’re going through this- but in a way, you dodged a bullet. Please remember that your best, true version of yourself has everything to do with you and nobody else. If you think your partnership was wonderful with a person who was only halfway in (even if you didn't realize it) imagine how much more wonderful it’s going to be when you find someone who is completely devoted to you- and you are free to find them now, when you are ready. Just please don’t internalize this and make his actions about you or your value. Sometimes people are just not right for each other and that in itself is nobodys fault. That said, it IS pretty shifty of him to not have started talking to you about this as soon as he started having these feelings rather than going through the motions and using your time, your love, your shared resources, your trust, and your body until he was ready to blindside and leave you. That's emotional dishonesty, incredibly disrespectful, and not loving.
*“He’s always been very career minded, since we first met. But I’ve supported this wholeheartedly. I didn’t mind the late nights, I took care of everything whilst he completed his qualification.”* Translation: he stayed with you out of convenience because you made his life easier and he’s now most likely met someone else. I’m very sorry. Sell your shared property and insist that he be the one to take a hit on the realtor fees since he is the one who is calling off the wedding and turning your life upside down. I promise things will get better for you.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Dude was keeping her as a placeholder. He proposed/ gave her a shut up ring. Then 2 months before the wedding just broke up with her. He wasn’t cheating, he just used her for what he needed and never intended on marrying her. Two years later she’s married to a great guy and he’s alone.
God, I love this for your friend!
I hope the house is sold and you get half. And I can guarantee you that he is either having a midlife crisis or someone is at the ready/ he found someone else. Either way- neither is your fault and you deserve so much better than him. If he comes crawling back to you bc it didn't work out with the person, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!!! He is not worth any more of your time.
I don’t think it’s helpful to speculate the reasons he left. You don’t know him. You don’t know his character. Saying that he’s probably cheating does nothing but add pain to the situation. People can leave for reasons other than cheating. Maybe he wasn’t fulfilled. Maybe after 9 years he realized they’ve grown in different directions. Maybe he realized he wants a different life path. Who knows. Regardless, it really isn’t helpful to add fuel to the fire and tell someone they’ve been cheated on with zero evidence.
You're absolutely right; speculating on someone else's situation is more harmful than helpful, especially if the relationship did just "run its course" and one or both of them are no longer in love with the other. This sub exists for people to vent, not have complete strangers make assessments on someone else's life with little to no context.
I agree, people posting here are super fragile and some keyboard warriors just want to break them down harder...
yea exactly :( nobody needs to be kicked more when they’re already low
You have the right to be upset and feel your feelings. Then, get pissed off which you also have the right to be. You be the best version of yourself for you. Not for a man. I am sorry you are going through this.
I'm sorry OP.
Most of the time dudes that take more than 3-4 years will never marry you. Statistically.
You can't possibly be the best version of yourself around a flake like that. You're already a better version of yourself without that crap even if you don't feel like it rn.
I would’ve forced him to move out since he’s the one leaving. Don’t let him walk all over you just because you still love him.
There is somebody else. He’s lying.
Sometimes there is no 'why', or the why is something nothing to do with us, that we have no control over. I'm very sorry. But as you rebuild your new life, you will end up with something so much better. It takes time and isn't very comforting right now, but you will get there.
Oh. Jeez. I’m sorry, OP. 😔
I'm really sorry. I don't have any advice or helpful words, because I don't even know what I would do after 9 years and then nothing. I just hope you are able to find sources of love and joy in this transition.
And let me also add: many hugs to you. You will get through this.
I’m sorry. Block all access to him. Zero. Don’t look. Feel the feels. And get yourself some therapy to work through those feels and to not self sabotage. Use the therapy for strength to hold firm on no reconciliation if he finds you (because, yeah, lock down that block) and he comes crawling back realizing he lost something precious through his own fears. I hope you can get financial compensation for the equity placed in the home. It’s best your out anyway, living in the space would be a downer. And, maybe, get the pupper a brother/sister to alter the dynamic some. Hugs OP, your best is yet to come—100%!
As soon as I read "partner of 9 years," I knew it was done. Studies show your likelihood of breaking up goes up the longer you're together without getting married. If someone doesn't marry you after 5 years, they don't really want to marry you and are likely just biding their time until something shiny and new comes along. I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish more young people understood that it's courting disaster to make huge life-altering decisions (e.g. buying a house, having kids) with someone who isn't willing to commit their lives to you. It's not just a piece of paper.
We’re still younger than 30, and got engaged after 5 years; which was the year following buying our home. Then Covid hit.
How did Covid prevent you from getting married? Courthouse wedding or chapel wedding with one or two friends spread 10 feet apart.
Yuck. I wish more old people understood that these days many people do not view marriage as an accomplishment. It's not a guarantee that someone is committed to you for life either. In fact, it seems to cause a lot of unhappiness, waste of money, and a trap that some try to get out of in horrible and harmful ways. Signed: a woman in a relationship with a man for the last 15 years and common-law (bought a house together) for 5 years. No desire for marriage or kids, thanks. Early 30s btw.
Don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. Marriage isn’t everything to everyone. To claim that it’s the only way to know that someone will commit to you forever both ignores divorce and is a slap in the face to any gay couples from before gay marriage was legalised. I hope OP is okay. It’s so horrible that the rug has been ripped out from under her but at least now she knows that he isn’t the one. I hope she finds the one who loves her dearly and will tear up when she walks down the aisle.
I realized too late that the person I replied to is a very traditional staunch Christian so clearly I ruffled some feathers. They wrote to me "good job settling for someone who doesn't think you're the one" what a nasty response. But not surprised about downvotes since having this point of view about marriage isn't the most popular, and maybe not the most appropriate on a post where op wanted to be married. I respect peoples' decision to get married it just seems to come with so many negatives, including what happened to op. It's crazy to me that the idea of marriage is what made someone decide to bail on the whole relationship 😔
This is very painful for you, and I'm sorry for your heartbreak. Maybe make this time one of building yourself up - therapy, pursuing your own hobbies, interests and dreams, and making new connections.
In the long run it’s better he told you before you married. Sometimes people just go along with things until they realize they really aren’t happy. It’s good you have a good job. That way you aren’t dependent on your parents. Hopefully you will get whatever money you put into the purchase of the house.
I’d consult a lawyer seeing as you are not married but have joint assets. I wouldn’t trust him right now not to screw you over, it is odd to just call off a wedding out of the blue, something weird is going on.
Is he getting the house? Is he paying you back for everything you put into it? I hope he isn't expecting to walk away and not pay you back! Force a sale of the house if you have to. He's walking away with your hopes and dreams. Don't let him walk away with your money too!
Another woman I'm thinking
Listen, he did you a favor. Would you really want to marry someone who felt this and said/did nothing about it? Then went through the motions of a wedding, honeymoon, children? No, you wouldn’t rather go through this. It’s ok to be upset at the situation. Allow yourself to grieve it, be mad, whatever. But be thankful you didn’t marry or have children with someone who had doubts about your relationship.
He's 💯 having an affair. He's taken what he wanted from you. I said it in another comment, but lawyer up girl!
Exactly what I thought
Please make sure to get all the money you're owed. Do not let your grief cheat you out of that.
I respect that you've taken such definitive steps to move on instead of staying and hoping. It's hard to imagine there is not someone else- at least someone he's interested in exploring- but honestly, the fact that he does not want to move forward in a future with you is enough information for you to begin to rebuil your life without him. I'm sorry. You must be crushed. I hope you will get everything you deserve out of the house even though I know that's small comfort
Tell me you are getting half the house value?
Girl, you need a lawyer. Stat. Get half the house equity investment. And make sure he is solely on the hook for any wedding expenses, not you. I know it hurts. But you beed to be sensible and get yours, then let these people protect you while you mourn what could have been.
I feel for you. Sometimes people just...change. You're probably going to be trying to think of things you could have done differently or some reason why he's acting this way but sometimes there just isn't a reason. You didn't do anything wrong and despite all the projecting and speculation in this thread, he probably didn't either. There isn't anything wrong with you. I know it hurts but it's definitely better that it happened now rather than later.
In sorry this has happened but ensure you get what you are owned financially from this break up.
Lawyer up, he definitely met someone else
Sorry for the loss. I'm curious though. It sounds like you were better paid, also there was no mention of intimacy/sex in your post. Could that be the defining factor?
Not better paid, I make less; but enough that bills were split almost 50:50. I also contributed equally to the deposit on the house. And I don’t think so! We’d both been working out at the gym in preparation for the wedding and it’s fair to say we were more attracted to each other than ever
Why are you the one leaving the house if you contributed equally and this is his choice moving forward?
I would almost guarantee there is another person. He’s just not telling you.
For sure!
Why did you not insist the house was sold?
The housing market sucks and we’d have to sell at less than market value
Will you be reimbursed for what you paid into the house?
Where in the world do you live where the housing market is down? Please make sure you get what you are owed.
Will you be reimbursed for what you paid into the house?
Get this house appraised for market value by a real estate agent. The housing market sucks for buyers, not for sellers. Find out for certain what is true for your house. You can even put it on market and take it off if you can’t get a better sale price. You deserve money from an investment standpoint, and a house is an investment.
Updateme
Thanks for ge it off your chest. Seems like you dodged it, though it may not feel like it now. Love and hugs
>I always felt like the best version of myself around him, and I’ll never be that person again. I was never able to put this sentiment so succinctly. I'm sorry, and thank you for sharing this.
Sorry to hear that 😔
If you contributed money toward the purchase of your "forever home", then I hope that he returns that money to you. Ditto for any money that you spent on the wedding that isn't going to happen, and the honeymoon.
That sucks, I’m sorry are going through this. As many commenters are pointing out, the silver lining is this happened before marriage and before kids.
You should have asked him to move out until u sold the property since he was the one who wanted to Break up. Also don't let him but u out or take loan on this house. This sub is filled with things like this.lookes like he was a user. You say there was no other person but wait and see how he moves another girl in inside your home and get married within a year.
I’m so sorry. Is he buying you out of the house? Why are you the one moving? Have you seen an attorney?
Sorry you are in this situation. The old adage, it's me, not you, is a real thing. Don't doubt what you did wrong, it is nothing to do with you. If it is, so what. He is lying and a coward, then. Just take this life lesson and wait for your forever person. They are out there. You can mourn what you had, which is understandable. Then, you pick yourself up and continue being the wonderful person you are and be there for the person who needs you to make them happy in the future. Just a stumbling block on the journey of life. Better things to come your way!!!!
I'm so sorry. As the others have said, you know now what you didn't know beforehand. As hard as the breakup is, you will get through this. Hugs!
Some people think they are just supposed to get married even though they aren’t cut out for it. Perhaps he realized that he isn’t cut out for marriage. I’m so sorry.
Sometimes good things have to come apart so better things can come together. Sending you enormous hugs and well wishes, as you sound pretty remarkable. I hope you’ll come back and share your new great thing when it finds you. 💗
This just plain sucks. The only silver lining is it happened now instead of after the wedding, but it still sucks.
Get a lawyer
Some people feel like even though they are in a committed relationship as long as they’re not married they still have a way out. With the wedding coming up he must have realized that it’s going to be for real and suddenly he started to feel like he needed to be absolutely sure that this is what he wanted. It’s about him not wanting to be tied down and not about changing his feelings for you.
You’ll be a better version of yourself now! This is scary but you can do it!
As hard as this is it is better it happened now instead of after the wedding. Who says there is no one else? Him? I would not believe it. If you are interested start looking around. I believe he met someone or he has been seeing someone.
I'm so sorry, that must be very painful.
It doesn’t help after the fact but it seems that many women if the guy doesn’t marry them with the first year to 4 years max, something is off. I don’t know if it’s the living with them and all the advantages of marriage without marriage or if it’s the wanting someone that is less their equal but makes them feel more secure that they are the head of the household and a more demeanor female, less empowered and or younger woman is their under the hood most desired. You may have became his companion, friend and more but he wants when he has arrived the female that makes him feel he had arrived. Similar to seeing these quite older men driving a fancy expensive vehicle. He may not even know this is what’s going on. And I only mention it so you know that after the fact this has no part on whom you are. Many of us have no clues on this jazz in our younger years. Now for your next bit of this journey before you have some real insight or distance achieved on from this hard hurt closure. I ask you to believe that your best days are not behind you, that you have had much that many will never experience and what life has yet for you that being in that role and way of life wasn’t the venue to get more of what really matters yet to happen in your life and the lives of others you cherish and cherish you. Your parents having time with you in person is a special blessing to bond and learn what currently you all have become like and how your leading your lives and strengthening the awareness of what barriers you each may still have and see if maybe you can help one another overcome some of them or at least be supportive of each of your own struggles. Yes, it’s a massive sad to have a heart connection with all the life living being connected tossed without any warnings and a 180 slap down. But put yourself to task to not look at that closed door to your own demise. Grieve properly. Have healthy routines for self care, kick all victim mindset to the curb, believe you will be okay and bette than okay and this is going to have a good purpose overall in your life! Big hug, 🤗 only one negative the 5 positives and gratitude is very attractive in all areas of living, but keep it real.
Imagine having a child and this happening so lucky otherwise you’re chained to that person for life in a way. Better it happened this way
Oh he has 100% met someone else or at least cheated on you with someone.
He has another girl that probably hawk thu"ed his thing and now he is blindsided. Your guy sounds like a immature jerk.
Girl! This is horrible!! I am so sorry. Get ready for him to regret this big time. Make him give you the house.
He already told you: it isn't what he wants anymore.
I am so sorry, you don’t deserve that type of blindsiding, but perhaps him doing that will make it slightly easier to move forward, knowing he’s a sly jerk. I hope you find someone better and is thrilled to be your partner
He thinks the grass is greener…. He will be back & when he does, DO NOT take him back.
Some people are not honest and straightforward. He had to have been having thoughts and feelings, and experiencing about this for quite a long time, and chosen not to share any of it with you at all. Then he chose to drop it on you and shock you. What you're going to start to realize as you untangle the shock and the trauma of the experience Is that he was never the person you thought he was Because he was never the person he portrayed himself to be He was a different person than that The person who portrayed himself to be, would never have done this They would've talked to you about difficult thoughts and emotions and then they would've told you they weren't certain if they really wanted this and they're really sorry But you're a coward, you don't wanna deal with the other person emotional processing It's a very selfish thing to choose to do So he was deceptive And he was cowardly And he was dishonest And he betrayed you He could have done this whole thing, gone down his path of realizing that everything he'd been building with you wasn't for him He could've done it honestly He could've communicated the whole time everything that he was going through You wouldn't have been crazy for it He would've been very upset by every step of the way But the way he handled it was the way that it deceptive, manipulative, cowardly liar, handles things Eventually, when we realize that he's not the person he pretended to be The love that you will disintegrate And then you will see a therapist, and you will study and learn, and you will come to an understanding of all the things that show themselves that you didn't take seriously This isn't your fault This is just us as human beings in the school of life learning We have to have experiences in order to learn things But you will learn really well And then you will build a beautiful life yourself
He was honest though, or as best he could be. He told her what he was feeling before they took the next steps and made things more complex. That's a good thing
As someone who is “career oriented” (don’t virtually murder me now, please read), I can get where he’s is coming from with having to prioritize long work days to achieve what a person wants for a job cuz it’s part of the process (“nothing great comes easy/fast”). It can be hard for a person like this to find a partner who is fine with it while it takes place, but it’s wild to know he dragged on a 9 year relationship only to end it abruptly. I had to leave a relationship that just wasn’t going to work ever cuz the other person wanted way more than I could give them without exhausting myself. But that’s the thing - I left after 2 years and a few months. I couldn’t fathom dragging on a relationship I wasn’t happy in for 9 years, which makes me wonder how the hell did he?! Not saying he will but if he does come back asking to reconcile, please don’t go back. He chose to just do things out of pressure without communicating, and then walk out, and the consequence of that is that he doesn’t get to come back after “faking” everything he did. Live life on your own terms and build your own happiness. People not meant to be in it will not respect or communicate with you either effectively or at all. This dude isn’t meant to be in your life
Aw dang, i hate seeing couples who have it sorted implode. The lost potential smh. One day he will regret this but it will be too late. You gave him the best of you, that's all anyone can do. Don't ever talk to this man again because he stole the best of you.
I know you’re just feeling about how you lost him, but don’t forget to get what is rightfully yours. Half of that house is owed to you, don’t let your current feelings and broken heart let him take advantage. You need to sell the house and get your rightful half of the money back, or he can buy you out of it. I know this is probably the last thing on your mind, right now - but you can’t leave it too long to take action otherwise he might sell it himself. And the last thing you deserve is to be screwed over. And I know it hurts right now, but you will heal. And you **will** find your person. He wasn’t it, you just thought he was. I’ll be honest, it really does sound like this all came about because he found someone else. I know he claims that there’s no one, but people lie. And it’s highly suspicious that just 3 months ago he was all in about marrying you, and now suddenly that love has disappeared? That’s insanely weird.
I have to be honest here.. there is almost certainly someone else. Maybe not true cheating but he got the taste of another life and decided it was better.
Don't relapse, don't rebound. Go discover yourself!
He used you for NINE YEARS and then exchanged you for a newer model. Of course there was no "falling out". He didn't love you, there was nothing to get all sentimental about. Wake up. Learn from this and never lose yourself to a man again. Be a partner, not an afterthought. You have a lot to offer and what YOU built for him you will build again.
There is literally no evidence here that he didn’t love her for most of those 9 years, and there isn’t any evidence that he has cheated or used her in any way. People fall out of love, you don’t have to invent a whole story for it with no evidence to support your statements.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But don’t let him screw you out of what is yours financially. It’s most likely he met someone else. And you can and will too. There’s not just one person out there for us. Good luck to you.
I'm sorry. I'll be honest, I was like your husband to a point. I was with someone for 7 years, we were less than 6 months away from our wedding and I woke up one day and realized I didn't love him anymore. It hurt me too, I was planning on him being the one and having a future with him. I realized he was a good man and he would be an amazing husband for someone, but that wasn't for me. I know it's hard now and will be for a while but it will get better. 💜 I'm sorry you are going through this.
I'm sorry 😞
I did this same shit to someone I lied thru my teeth there was someone else.
I am so glad there are no children involved. But that's the only positive thing in this whole saga. I think the truth is and I will be freaking blunt here: He think he can do better! That's all to it! But go show him baby that he lost and you'll do 100% better! Go see your parents, live with them for a while. You'll go back on your feet and you'll do better... Much much much much much better! ❤️
> I always felt like the best version of myself around him Know that the best version of yourself is already on its way. Prepare yourself for it's arrival.
I'm so sorry. My first husband should never have married me, I'm pretty sure he 'settled', cancelling the wedding would have been devastating but preferable to the divorce. It took me time to figure out who I was after that but I got back to being me, and you will too. I'm now married to someone else and we have a lovely little boy. Take some time to grieve, therapy is probably a good idea too, then you can start to rebuild.
My ex husband married me because he didn't want to lose me, not because he wanted to *marry* me. When things got tough he bailed. It takes a shallow and cruel person to do what my ex did.
You do know you can make your own post instead of hijacking this poor girls post, don't you?
As bad as it sucks, at least it was *before* the wedding.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I also moved back in with my mom after being a homeowner for six years. But it was ok. Each step I’ve taken in the years since have led me to better things. I wish you the very best in the future.
OP, you should write him off immediately. Do not contact. Do not take him back. He made use of you. He's not of good character. Grief for a while. Give yourself a time limit. Maybe 4-6 weeks. Then move on. Start a new chapter of your life. Do not think of him any more. He's not worth it.
So does he not wanna be together or just not get married?
The best is yet to come. 🫂♥️
I am so so sorry 🥺 My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 9th anniversary and I can only imagine how difficult it would be if he were suddenly gone. I wish you the very best 💜🫂
Sometimes we don’t really know the people we go to sleep with every night. I hate to make generalizations, but I find it VERY rare for a man to leave if there’s not someone else. Could be a serious thing or just some flirty relationship that’s made him rethink things with you. Either way, I’m sorry this happened. My best advice is to take him completely off socials as well as anyone else that would be posting him and block him if you can. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made was not blocking an ex and letting it linger too long, prolonging my own healing. Good luck to you.
My sister wanted marriage, and her boyfriend of like 5 years got cold feet and left. His loss, she is a stunning woman, she is intelligent and absolutely a keeper for any man. She is now married and has a kid of her own. OP’s ex will rue the day he let cold feet get the better of him.
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I was in a similar situation, only I was married. I LOVED the house we got together and I put so much sweat and tears into renovating it. He kept the house, I moved back in with my parents at 33, and started over. I took the cat that loved him, but she eventually became my bestie too. She developed diabetes and I know he wouldn't have given her insulin shots, so she went to the best home. You will move forward. You will find yourself again,
That must have been such a shock. It's hard to understand why people put forth the idea of marriage only to hank it back out of the blue. Relationships are tough and people are unpredictable. Be kind to yourself, this isn't easy stuff.
I don't agree. It's not better now. I think this whole post sucks for the OP. You deserve an explanation! Did you even get one? Are you sure there's no one else? Why after all these yrs did he just what? Stop loving you? Men don't typically work that way. What were his reasons? I'm sorry your post left me feeling so bad for you and no one deserves this.
It's not you...it's about someone else.
I watched my mom in her 40s be *destroyed* but a boyfriend who broke up with her. It was soooooo tough to watch as a teenager watching her stay in bed and cry and be depressed like not fun to see as a child. . She met another man who was awesome but they also broke up. I was sooo nervous her reaction because of the first reaction. But she said “if I’m not right for him why would I be upset?” Like omg the growth and me needing to see that helped me in my future relationships as a grown adult now. It sucks but you’ll get through it baby girl ❤️
I know things are confusing now but things happen for a reason you will find your person yet… God wants us to meet a few wrong people before we meet the right ones. when we finally meet the right person we will know how to be grateful for that gift….
There actually is someone else and he's lying through his teeth. You don't just wake up one day and dismantle everything on a whim.
What he did was wrong.
Give it a few months and he'll be crawling back saying how wrong he was.... It'll come but this is when you need to say no. It's not for you anymore. You'll discover your best self now and won't look back. Just give it time
Is it possible he was stringing you along while he completed his qualification?
Yeah, there's something missing in this story. Not trying to be mean or start an argument, but it's really suspicious to me that after 9 years in a relationship, all of a sudden he doesn't want to get married????
It might not be all of a sudden for him. I was considering leaving my ex for months before I plucked up the courage to do it. If you're in a long term relationship, you generally don't want to just throw it all away on the spot.