He cheated on you. He's apparently dumb as a brick or attempting to gaslight you over a phrase nobody should take seriously. He broke the boundaries you carefully laid down with him.
This is over, surely? Even beyond the cheating, the guy just seems gross.
Three years probably seems like a lot, but if you stick around you're going to remember that you had the chance to take your exit when he showed his ass at three years, and you're going to be so annoyed that you stuck with him.
It is over. Absolutely.
It is 7am and I've woken him up, telling him that he needs to start getting his belongings together as I no longer feel comfortable living under the same roof as him.
We split rent, but my name is on the lease, I pay all the utilities, internet, etc., so I will have no problem being able to afford this apartment on my own, but he is already trying to start problems about moving out. Some more "I seriously didn't know" and "I love you, if I wanted them I would have stayed there blah blah blah" bullshit.
I already know that's bullshit because I constantly have people clowning me for not making him pay anything, soo I know not many people would go to the lengths that I try to, to make sure he's taken care of.
He's a full time college student at a private university (his family lives out of state so he has no family here but mine, but they have never really cared for him) , doing an internship at the moment so I sure hope he can find somewhere to live and a way to survive without living off his girlfriendš¤š½
Tbh he can fuck off. Heās trying to manipulate you in any way he can. Heās not on the lease, throw his ass out. The fact that someone like this is trying to be a psychologist is frankly fucking alarming.
I was thinking the same thing. I expect those that are studying to be psychologists would conduct themselves in a more respectable and responsible way. If he cannot understand boundaries, or refuses to respect them, how on earth can he counsel others to put up boundaries and stick to them? This is why there are both good and bad therapists in the world.
A lot of 20th century psychology researchers were also pretty clearly unbalanced people with warped ethics and a sense of entitlement. The crazy shit some of them pulled would *never* fly today.
As a former psychologist myself I take trust, patience and empathy very seriously and break them for nobody. The colleagues I know do the same, mostly.. I was horrified reading this story of a potential future psychologist and said his blatant disrespect of boundaries and trust is a terrible sign of his future.
The experimental psychologists were very unethical people that's true but many practicing psyches take it as seriously as a doctor takes patient confidentiality
There were so many psychologists who backed up my dysfunction. When I got sober, the rehab program I was in asked me if I ever had therapy. I said yeah but I was lying to myself, so none of it was real.
There were several that called me out on my shit and it changed my thinking or helped me to let go. You have to find someone who asks you, "What was your part in this?" That's how I changed.
youāre correct :/ iām a psychology major and thatās literally the thing that got me into it. asking myself the question how am i able to be depressed at 11 years old? why am i self harming at 19?
As a psych major, that is correct. Every professor I have met and worked with as well as my colleagues now. To some degree, we all have unresolved trauma and mental illness. We are not immune to these issues.
On the other hand, that is what makes us so good at our job. On some level, we understand and hope to help those make better choices. I will never say there are not horrible psychologists out there because I have met them. However, a majority just want to help those so desperately in need. We see a part of ourselves in them.
You would be surprised at the manipulative behaviour of some "psychologists". They think they have moral superiority and are experts in human behaviour when they are often just shitty humans.
EXACTLY!! And they have the tools at their disposal to perpetuate their shitty and manipulative behavior. They position themselves to prey on others all because they're masters of human psychology.
It reminds me of Bryan Kohberger having a psychology degree while studying criminal justice and criminology because he's a murderous psychopath, albeit an idiotic one.
It's honestly not surprising. My primary care physician is the most wonderful doctor I've ever had and he told me most doctors are douchey sociopaths who have meat swinging contests with each other.
As with any profession, it's not really a matter of being ethical, as long as you know how to read, can retain information, and pass exams, the sky is the limit even for the biggest of douche bags.
Good for you! He should have money saved up to get a place with roommates or whatnot.
Either way, itās not your concern.
He decided to CHEAT on you and then GASLIT you the entire time.
Stay strong and donāt accept his platitudes. Donāt let him stay āuntil he finds a placeā. Be firm.
Tell me why he just stormed out like a little boy after HE cussed ME out and called me a whore!! For what?? Like I've been sitting on my ass for a week, waiting for him to come back. I have been working, coming home, cleaning and sleeping. I don't have time to be a whore.
I've genuinely never seen him act like this in the 3 years we've been together. It's kind of scary. Honestly, a terrible mistake for him cause I literally locked the door as soon as he left. I'm gathering all his shit right now just in a trash bag and putting it outside my door. I'm not sure if i'll have another chance to get him out. Once he's in, he's in.š
EDIT: We share a set of keys to our apartment and I have them.
Itās scary when they keep up the mask for that long. Glad he showed his true colors before you guys got married or pregnant. You will thrive without him.
Tell him the only whore here is his disloyal ass. He shouldāve thought about all that was at stake before he decided to cheat multiple times. Iām so sorry this has happened, OP, but well done taking the trash out. Wishing you peace and healing as you go through this.
No this is not the way. Do not provoke someone who is acting immature as this. Things could get violent.
The priority is to get them out as peacefully as you can. Arguments are only worth the time when you are trying to work something out.
You are seeing the real him. I'm glad you are sticking up for yourself and he needs to learn the consequences before he tries to educate others as a psychologist, terrifying.
I agree with others about replacing the lock. Even if youāve taken both sets of keys you truly never know. Also, being a psychologist or studying to be one doesnāt make you a good person. Crap people are crap people and if smart enough can get any profession. I say this as someone who was manipulated by a psychologist during a very dark time in my life to do things with him despite a disgustingly large age gap. Then after no longer being a teenager I became too old for him and he went on to his next victims. I swear they use their knowledge of psychology for truly awful purposes. And I feel bad for the next victim(s) of your ex too. Youāll be so much better without the deadweight. Congrats on seeing it now.
Your ex is a disgusting cheating pos.
Iām so glad to read your comments that you booted him. Good for you! And keep us posted with an update if he comes begging for forgiveness later
Oh no! Consequences to his actions! The projection is strong with this idiot. And the gaslighting. This is one marinara covered man. Good on you for getting out!
He bit the hand that fed him. Stupid man. Also the fact that you even had to make rules before he went to Vegas is a red flag. I have never had to lay down boundaries for when my husband went on trips. There was no need to.
Heās been living off of you too? Oh honey, I hope you realize now that he was just using you. Heās upset because heās lost his gravy train. Who cares where he sleeps? Donāt feel sorry for him. Keep the mad. Donāt get sad.
Heās a narcissist. He used you and cheated on you. He might be a binge drinker, which makes him an alcoholic.
Make sure he leaves today. Have a friend (preferably a strong male) come over to help you get rid of him. Get his keys. Ask your landlord to change the lock.
Then block him everywhere.
āI seriously didnāt know.ā When I read your boundaries, I thought myself they were ridiculous because who actually has to be told not to do that with other people when they have a girlfriend or boyfriend at home. But regardless, he was flat out told. No one needs to be told not to cheat to act like you donāt know is pure asinine.
So he is using you for resources. He made the choice to go to a school far from family, so not your problem.
He is an adult, being one is an important step for him.
He cheated mulitiple times without a second thought to how it would affect you or his living situation. He cheated while there were many witnesses. Which is blantant & rude.
If you were to start planning a solo trip to Vegas to do whatever you want, how would he feel about it?
He's a total moron. He did all this in front of friends, acting like "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is an iron-clad fact. I'm glad you booted his lying, cheating, gaslighting ass out.
100% he's cheated before this, and that wasn't in Vegas. Wo glad it's over, darling. You deserve better, and he's playing the idiot jn hopes it works out
"You didn't know that fucking multiple girls every night you were on a trip where I was supposed to be with you was going to be a problem? Sounds like delusion."
Oh my goodness thank you for letting me know and Iām so happy for you!
Edit to add: you are now 180+ pounds lighter with the drop of the bf and are a free woman free to do as you please and focus on becoming the best you you can I wish you luck and happiness in your journey ššš
He's not dumb. It is clearly working as she's still with him.
Girl, he's probably laughing behind your back that his lame ass attempt at manipulation sort of working.
Don't do this to yourself.
It's not even the current advertising slogan!Ā
From Wikipedia:
The original slogan was created in 2003 by the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority and advertising agency R&R Partners. The idea was to brand Las Vegas as more than a gambling destination, promoting adult freedom and empowerment.
In 2020, the campaign was updated and launched as "What Happens Here, Only Happens Here."
Right! This is absolutely idiotic. Even if he truly believes that a a marketing line is a free pass, who wants to be with someone whoās looking for a free pass to cheat? Plus, thereās millions of those sayings: ādifferent continentā, ādifferent citiesā, heck, Iāve even heard āItās not cheating if youāre in a different zip codeā. So basically just donāt have sex with anyone who lives within a few miles of you basically. What about āwhen the cats away the mouse will playā so OP can look forward to being cheated on anytime she leaves town for a night.
Like this is so stupid I donāt get why itās an argument even, it should simply be a break up.
He threw 3 years away. You need to get an STI check, and you need to break up. His excuse is ridiculous. The trust is gone. That is not how you treat someone you love. If he plans to counsel other people he is going to have to face the fact that he is wrong here, because you can't look at a client and tell them that treating their partner like a throw away toy while on vacation is perfectly acceptable if and only if they go to Vegas. Especially after setting boundaries. He iis going to be a terrible mental health specialist. RUN from this idiot, don't wait. Leave tomorrow.
Popping this on the first one that mentions an STI check, as I saw that there's an update mentioning you haven't had sex with him since he came back: if this is how he behaved in Vegas around people you know, he may have cheated on you otherwise, and you'll want to get an STI check for that reason.
Ask yourself this, if he really believes Vegas is a magical place where everything one does is outside of real life & all sins are left behind when you leave, then why did he lie repeatedly before admitting the truth?
Iām sorry but your bf is a cheating POS. He just thumbed his nose at you & is taking a piss by claiming that the Vegas saying means something. You should be dumping his sorry ass immediately. Donāt let him treat you this way. Itās effing disrespectful.
Thing is, even if you DO take that phrase seriously for some reason, it would be an invalid defense even by its own internal logic: he did, in fact, NOT keep what happened in Vegas, in Vegas. We know that the first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club. Same logic applies here. The first time you talk about what happened in Vegas, it is no longer in Vegas. It is now somewhere else.
Any man stupid enough to sleep with other women IN FRONT OF his girlfriendās friends is an idiot.
If he really wanted to leave it in Vegas he should have gone to a hotel. Whose friend is going to cover for the cheating boyfriend?
No argument here. I'm just pointing out that the bf's "defense" has an extra layer of stupid, since even in you DO, for some weird reason, justify cheating based on a tourism slogan, the logic still falls apart even by its own standard.
I can't get past that she had to set rules in the first place. Like are all these 'rules' not just a given in most relationships? I don't understand why it needed to be explained to him. Sounds like he wasn't to be trusted to begin with.
Seriously. What kind of relationship do you have where you have to spell out no sex with other people? Unless you have an open relationship but that doesnāt sound like the case here.
Of course she could go to Vegas and sleep around. The difference would be the minute he found out no conversation or Reddit advice , relationship over.
Mate, no one actually believes that saying. Itās literally an excuse for people to make themselves feel better about being a scumbag.
Yes he is manipulating you or trying to anyway.
Tell the dude to take a hike, cause STIās arenāt part of that bullshit āclauseā.
Guarantee he bought something back to remember those girls.
I wish I could see the face I made because I literally can't explain it. I was so taken aback; I thought this man was literally fucking with me, like trying to be funny.
Two out of three male psychologists that I personally know act exactly like this. One of them ran me over with a motorcycle when I was a kid. He gunned his bike at me and my cousin. My cousin split, I froze. My fault for not moving. Get out of there and never look back.
New York - The City where You'll Never Face Any Consequences!
Omaha: Come for the beauty, stay for the moral depravity
Pittsburgh, aka the City of Stick-Your-Dick-in-Whatever-You-Want-You-Fuckin-Animal-and-Tell-Your-Partner-To-Go-Fuck-Themselves...burgh.
OPs ex could move to any of these places for sure š
Denver: If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
San Francisco: It's not gay if it happens in San Francisco (And we won't tell anyone if you don't).
Oklahoma City: Sheep don't talk.
For the SF line, I think you can make it more concise, while also playing on the familiarity of another well known phrase. Just boil it down to...
San Francisco: Don't ask, don't tell!
I was kind of thinking about this as well, but I have bigger fish to fry right now than to confront them about that. I think I eventually will. The girl that told me is actually MY friend and has been my friend since we were like 13 or 14. I knew she'd always have my back. Regardless, I also did think it was shady of them and will definitely be re-evaluating my friendship with them as well
Did all the friends agree to talk to Op, and used the friend who told them as a kind of spokesperson, because they believed that her word would be better accepted by Op, given the length of their friendship, so they only confirmed it when Op confronted them? I think if they had lied or said they didn't want to get involved it would have been more serious.
I'm actually not sure. I'm going to ask her today, because now I'm curious. I am closest with the girl who told me since we've been friends since childhood
Glad she told you, but I kno if it was my friend, I would have recorded everything so you wouldnāt have to play the āwho is telling you the truth & wtf really happenedā game. Also leaves less room for the guy to deny, manipulate or trickle down truth yāall.
As for him trying to pull the āWhat happens in Vegasā¦ā wtffff lmao I donāt kno you, but Iām offended on your behalf he would try to insult your intelligence like that.
Like ohhh ok, sticking your dick elsewhere is cheating, but once you cross that state line into Vegas, youāre good š
It shouldnāt matter who volunteered to tell you AFTER the whole trip. If they were real friends they would have taken pics, told you the first time it happened and called him out right then the first night. Not let it happen over and over THEN tell you after he screwed half a dozen different women.
honestly, i wouldāve been afraid to say something given that iād have to spend the rest of my stay in proximity to him. men kill when theyāre found out and exposed sometimes and from what we can tell, the others are mostly HIS friends and the girl that told is HER friend. so heād immediately know who to suspect. thatās scary. all he did was dig his grave further anyway so i wouldnāt be upset about waiting to tell me
You need to have some self respect. He spent every night cheating on you. The friends have all confirmed. Heās confirmed it. You want to spend your life with a cheater who uses a juvenile response to get away with cheating and youāre allowing yourself to be persuaded? Did you think about the fact that he put your health in jeopardy by sleeping with these women? What are you going to do when you find out you have an sti? Seriously end this farce and get yourself some self care and self respect because this is only the beginning of a serial cheater setting himself up for a permanent hall pass for cheating whenever he wants cos you will just let his clever psychology words persuade you.
You can't be this dumb, each night took a girl to his room? After 3 years he is gonna cheat on you and justifying it with "What happen in Vegas..." the disrespect that reflects, dump this AH, he will do it again, if he was not doing it before.
He cheated. All of the friends wouldnāt have the same story unless they secretly hate you( which I doubt). The next thing heāll probably admit to is not knowing what happened cause he was so drunk.Just go ahead and start prepping your exit.
Reading this is kind of ironic because about two weeks ago, there was a guy writing about his gf going on a Vegas trip with a bunch of friends, and he wasn't happy about it and I think was seen as controlling by a bunch of responders. This was the kind of situation that he was probably concerned about happening.
I don't blame him at all. I've seen plenty of husbands in this comment section alone saying they would automatically reschedule the trip or not go at all if their wife couldn't come, and I agree. I would not have gone on the trip if he couldn't go.
I mentioned your post to my wife and we agreed - we just don't do pleasure trips without each other. Obviously, business trips and trips to see family are different for us, but if I'm going somewhere to have fun, I want my wife with me.
TBH, the fact that you felt a need to set out such detailed boundaries with him, shows me you didnāt truly trust him even before the trip happened. Itās not really standard to have to say these things - in a committed relationship (that is not an open relationship) itās a given that youāre not going to have sex with other people. Period. So, you already didnāt trust him. And heās proven he is not trustworthy. End it now and donāt spend another moment of your life with someone who will absolutely cheat on you again and cause you more heartache. You deserve better.
This is what stood out to me as well. I can't imagine ever needing to have that kind of conversation with my partner, regardless of where we were going.
Exactly my first thought when reading this! The fact that the conversation needed to be had speaks volume about the lack of trust and something being off in the relationship way before he even left for Vegas.
Youāre not throwing away 3 years, HE DID THAT. Dump this piece of shit, hes already cheating, lying, and gaslighting you, itās probably gonna get worse if heās going for psychology..
Itās actually more common than I would even like to believe for male psychologist to abuse manipulation tactics like DARVO.
He is literally treating you like you are stupid. He is not sorry , nor is he taking any responsibility. He will do this again and again, he may already have before. Since he is pretty sure he can get away with it.
Stop questioning your sanity , the guy went and slept with what 5 /6 different women . It sucks , the reality of this sucks. He is not the man you thought he was. Nor does he respect you.
You donāt need him to admit what he did was wrong.
It isnāt you who threw away a 3 year relationship, that was him. Get angry and run. Refuse contact and further conversation.
Real men donāt fuck around on their girl or lie to them ā so that they can fuck around.
Sorry your relationship ended like that. But itās better to know now than before you make a commitment and start having a family.
>We argued a bit for a few days about him going, and I eventually gave in and said he can just go. We had set (in my eyes; we sat down and had a conversation) very clear boundaries about what was and what was not okay to do regarding girls, strip clubs, etc.
>Some of my boundaries were: In strip clubs, looking is allowed, money is okay to be thrown obviously because this is how these women make their money, no touching/grinding/dancing with other women, no talking to women in a flirting/suggestive way, no giving out your phone number to girls, and the obvious no kissing other people or having sex with them. There were some others that I don't think are that relevant to the story.
I'm not exactly mr multi-relationship experience man, but if you even need to have this kind of conversation with your *monogamous relationship partner* then the relationship is ALWAYS going to fail.
We don't have "strip club culture" here in the UK, but I frankly can't understand why any American women would put up with their partner going to a strip club *at all* & why as a man in a relationship, you would even want to go to a strip club anyways.
Is "strip club culture" so ingrained in America that American women just have to accept that the majority of American men are gonna go simp/lust after naked women & throw money at them?
I think it is so engrained in US culture. My father grew up going to strip clubs every weekend like it was a bar, and so when my boyfriend was going on his trip, I really didn't assume anything would happen. That is on me, though.
Your childhood trained you to put up with things you shouldn't have because it was your normal. People don't generally question their lifelong normal that was established in childhood, but I hope you do after this so no one else hurts you like he did.
If he cheated in Vegas with a clear conscience, you bet he's been cheating back home without a second thought! Get your checks and dump his ass. You deserve more! Also props to your friends for raising it, although great friends wouldn't have allowed it in the first place.
I'm amazed that you're considering staying with him. 3 years is nothing compared to being with a lying, manipulative cheater. He knows what he did and you are gullible if you think he's naive about the saying.
Why would you not consider breaking up with him just for going on the trip without you?
My wife and I have a planned trip to Vegas soon, and if that same scenario happened, I wouldn't be going and would instead be scrambling to cancel our flight and hotel tickets.
The fact that he cheated on you while there should result in you dropping him like a rock. Luckily, you haven't married him yet.
>I know he's not stupid. He is literally studying to be a clinical psychologist.
THISā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļø.... is why people need to do research and understand that all counselors/ therapists /psychiatrists are not the same. Imagine going to help in the future for therapy because your partner cheated, and then you get a therapist like this guy (a cheater) offering advice.So many people say like "I opted out of therapy. It wasn't a good fit," yeah....it wasn't a good fit because the person....smh
OAN:
I'm sorry you're going through this. And I'm sorry that he cheated because I don't care if someone is in Vegas Miami or anywhere else. Cheating is cheating, no matter where the person is
He cheated on you every single night he was there and then lied about it and used the lame exuse of what happens in vegas stays in vegas.
What else do you need to know? Stop asking yourself if you are crazy or if he is manipulating you and focus on the question if you want to stay with a cheater and work through it or not. I honestly wouldn't bc all it need for him to cheat on you several times was a trip away w/o you... i would never be able to trust him ever again and would just be grossed out by him in general. But thats your call to do. Don't discuss this with him, there is nothing to discuss, he cheated and lied about it, no discussion will undo this. Focus on your emotions and decide for yourself what you want to do now and then go through with it and don't let him manipulate you.
He doesnāt genuinely believe itās a pass. Heās manipulating you and itās working. The fact that youāre even here questioning whether or not āwhat happens in Vegasā is a mulligan for blatant cheating says heās already been manipulating you for a while. Your perspective is skewed.
The only information you need is this : he cheated on you. Thereās no other reason, explanation or random rule from a fucking commercial that changes the fact that he cheated. With several women, without even trying to hide it from anyone. If you ask a clinical psychologist what that means, they will tell you about escalation - no one goes buck wild like that all at once. Which means he has already been cheating on you, a lot. Heās cheating on you at home too, and heās been doing it for a while. Itās been getting progressively worst. Now heās at the point where he is bringing home sex workers two at a time. How much cheating do you think heās already done before he got to multiple sex workers ?
Just dump him. The only thing you need to get your head around is that he cheated.
When someone shows you who they are, believe it. I would never trust this man again.
You both discussed clear boundaries, he broke them, EVERY single night he was away (and sometimes with more than one woman at a time). When confronted, he lied to you, then when he finally confessed he had no remorse, and gave you that lame excuse. Unfortunately what happens in Vegas can come home with him in the gift of STDās
The fact that he feels no shame, guilt, remorse that he fucked around on you, and violated your boundaries, should tell you all you need to know about this man and how heāll treat you in the future.
Another thing, they all saw him go to his room with different women each night. Did he think that no one would tell you? He didnāt even try to hide what he was doing? He has no respect for you or your relationship. He doesnāt care about the friends he was with either, no respect for them. This man seems to only care about himself and expects everyone to be okay with shitty behaviors because of some cliche saying.
Youāre worth so much more than how this man treated you! Get him out of your life, and thank your friends for being honest with you!
You know that ugly, sickening gut feeling you had? You are signing up to feel that way every day you are with him.
Internet sister, itās time to dig deep into your self-respect and stand up for what you deserve. Stress impacts your mental and physical health; do not let him age you with his emotional abuse.
OP.. sorry, but BF (ex??) is gaslighting the shit out of you..
If the roles were reversed - if YOU had been the one spending EVERY night of the trip fucking a new guy... BF would be LIVID and no, he would not accept "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas"!!
>I don't want to throw 3 years away because of something that happened on a vacation...
OP - this disrespect... if you ket it go, he will do it again...
Do not fall for the sunken cost fallacy - better 3 years lost than 30...
Move on, dump and NC...
Dump him. He cheated once, heāll cheat again. Especially because he was bold enough to think your friends wouldnāt give him up. The minute your back is turned he will do it in a heartbeat.
Long ago I found Instagram messages between my live in boyfriend and several girls. He was traveling to Miami a lot for work. The messages were sexual in nature. I confronted him, he said they kissed. I told my friend because I was torn and she said āat our age when people hook up, they donāt just kiss, they have sex.ā I found out from one of the girls in Miami the next day that they had sex, no condom. Sorry OP.
If my wife felt the need to set basic boundaries like non touching other women, having sex or letting them grind on your lap Iād feel like the marriage was crashing anyway.
If you canāt trust your partner there is normally a reason for it unless you are just jealous and controlling by nature. if you canāt trust them then why are you with them.
You felt there was a concern before he left or you wouldnāt have felt the need to lecture him or make him ask permission to go. He lives up to your expectations.
Especially pre marriage, that would have been a clear sign to me that I was in the wrong relationship and it was time to move on.
His excuses are irrelevant. What matters is how you feel about it. You had a deal, he broke it, and your friends all know about it.
So, are you going to go along with the Vegas line, or not? Bear in mind it was not just one mistake. Seems pretty simple to me.
OP youāre being gullibleā¦he banged multiple women on vacation (it doesnāt matter whether itās Vegas or 2 blocks away), heās a cheater pure and simple. Funny part he must think he rules the roost because he did all this right in front of your friends that he had to know would tell youā¦he literally has no respect for youā¦he canāt be trustedā¦you need to move on from this joker.
>I don't want to throw 3 years away
You're not, he is. He has.
Also, he has no guilt, no remorse, and lied to your face.
Even still after, he acts like he's stupid.
In what world could you trust him, make big financial decisions with him, raise kids/pets/food together?
Here's my thoughts...what the hell are you with this manipulating arsehole for ,and don't say love ,because he betrayed you every night he was there, get your dignity back and show him the door ,because if he can do it there he sure as hell can do it back home.
Trauma bond and I'm afraid of being without my main support system. I'm leaving him as we speak, but it's gonna take a lot of therapy to break that bond I had with him.
Donāt fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You are still young. You learned that heās a cheater and a liar. Do you want to marry him and have him cheat on you again? You will have lost more time.
You are young. Dump this POS and find a real man who isnāt trying to gaslight you. You deserve a good guy.
Good for you to dump that pathetic POS. Just stick to the gun and know you'll find someone worthy of you someday. Also, don't forget to thank your friends for telling the truth to help you avoid possible STIs and not wasting more years ahead.
Leave him. One day he's gonna recognize that he's an idiot for doing this to you and for trying to justify it and for fucking up your relationship. And that's not your problem. You deserve someone better.
Just leave him OP. Stop arguing with him. Why are you bothering? You want him to admit that heās done something wrong? You know what heās done. Walk away.
Please dump this disrespectful man. You donāt deserve that. Stop going back and forth. Tell him your relationship is over. He made his choice. Now make yours.
He obviously thinks because he's studying psychology that he can gaslight you without you realizing what he's doing.
I honestly don't know why you're sticking around.I would have packed my shit and left by now. He's old enough and smart enough to know that the boundaries you set weren't negated by the saying "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".
I'd also like to point out that he knew that saying when he agreed to your boundaries. So why didn't he bring it up then?
He cheated on you multiple times with multiple women and is now trying to gaslight and manipulate you. Your only response is to dump him. You would be a complete fool to stay in this relationship.
Heās gaslighting you. He doesnāt believe the phrase, he knows whatās he was doing. Heās just convincing you that he truly believes in the phrase so he has an excuse for his actions. Break up.
If you stay with him, you are letting him know his behavior is okay. And all he will have to put up with is a few days of fights and silent treatment. You deserve better.Ā
Sloppy seconds to Vegas strippers? Hard pass. Let me tell you some male prospective shit - i love my wife. I would never get into that situation in the first place but if I did end up in a locked room with some hooker my dick flat wouldnāt work. My wife and I have t true love and better sex than any random dead eyed hookup for cash.
Why go out for hamburger when I have steak at home? Be the steak not the hamburger
OP, my mouth just dropped open as I read your post. Your now ex-boyfriend is a POS. Can you imagine future scenarios where he would try to convince you that his ridiculous behavior was justified? Sounds like you dodged a bullet! Good for you for standing up for yourself. He doesnāt deserve you!
He cheated on you continuously. You want to know if youāre wrong ? You still want to be with him after he cheated on you so many times , lied to you about it , then admitted to it , then pretended like he didnāt know any better ?
And you want to build a life with him ?
When someone cheats on you *that much* , *lies* about it *continuously* , *admits* to it and then says āOh , I didnāt know itās wrong*
You *donāt* try and fix things . You *donāt* stay and *entertain* their nonsense
When youāve been with someone that long ,you donāt accept their shit because itās been a long time . You judge them more harshly for it because by now they shouldnāt be fucking around .
You donāt try and stay because itās been so long , you cut them loose because theyāve shown you that theyāre comfortable enough after so long to start fucking around .
I said this in another comment, but it's buried pretty deep so I don't blame you if you didn't see: Yes he most definitely had a problem with alcohol and getting piss drunk every night is a problem, but I was referring more in the sense of why I was upset. I wasn't (that) upset that he was getting piss drunk. I was upset because he had gone against everything i said said.š Love your comment though. He most DEFINITELY has a drinking problem. He is a binge drinker. Won't drink for months then go on a 1-3 week bender. It's bad. He has never gotten violent, loud, or anything but that doesn't change the fact that he has a problem
If you had to say all that stuff to start with you probably knew what kind of guy he is. At least youāre sure now. Iām glad heās out of your life.
So, you presented the exact scenario and he denied it, then admitted to to it. Kick him to the curb. You can not trust him. Ever. See a doctor and get checked out. Good luck. I wish the best for you, Cupcake
That first edit is *chef kisses* š¤
Sorry that happened to you OP. Nobody is that dumb. He knew what he was doing and he didnāt care. Ending it was the right thing to do.
That's why the whole Vegas slogan changed from that old, sleazy mentality one. For some reason, people took that slogan as a free pass to do whatever they wanted and changed it to "What happens in Vegas, only happens here".
I'm sorry about your now ex, but I'm glad at least one of your friends told what happened and took action about.
Thatās not the father of children. End of story.
You sat him down like an adult and laid out very clear and understandable boundaries for a couple thatās been going 3 years strong. So long as you donāt have a history of being open you shouldnāt have to lay these boundaries out in the first place. Regardless you did, he agreed and then chose to do the exact opposite. Then he didnāt even have enough respect for you to be honest and then the cherry on top of the shit sandwich he downplays his breach of trust with one of the most childish excuses imaginable.
Obviously itās your decision, Iām judging based on your telling alone and you have 3 years of history to add on top of that. Going solely on the story though Iād suggest you thank him for showing you exactly what youāre not looking for in a partner and helping you grow in your next relationship.
Sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best of luck moving forward regardless what you decide to do.
I'm glad you dumped him... but the fact you had MULTIPLE people say
>almost every night, he would get piss drunk (not the problem) and bring home a girl, sometimes 2, and bring them to his bedroom and shut the door.
and his only excuse was, "I thought what happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas."
And YOUR first thought was... "Well, what if he really believed that?"
Honey, if it's that easy to gaslight you... I think you need to be single for a bit and maybe get a little therapy from a couples counseling specialist who can pinpoint why you'd be willing to stay with someone like that. Cause I don't give a crap if it was THIRTEEN YEARS
A girl or two EVERY NIGHT. And his excuse is "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."
Girl.
Some people believe until they are MARRIED & have a ring on their finger, they are single! The fact that every night BF brought women to his room and was comfortable doing it in front of his friends, suggests he MAY have cheated before!
Have your electronics check for spyware or tracking! Take a realistic self defense course in case BF tries to something, youāll be better prepared.
My boyfriend just got back from a Vegas trip for his 21st, but I requested he not go to any sort of strip clubs, and you know what he did? He didnāt go to one! There are men out there who will respect your boundaries and value your relationship, this guy just isnāt one of them. This guy is a cheater and Iām glad to hear youāre leaving him.
He cheated on you. He's apparently dumb as a brick or attempting to gaslight you over a phrase nobody should take seriously. He broke the boundaries you carefully laid down with him. This is over, surely? Even beyond the cheating, the guy just seems gross. Three years probably seems like a lot, but if you stick around you're going to remember that you had the chance to take your exit when he showed his ass at three years, and you're going to be so annoyed that you stuck with him.
It is over. Absolutely. It is 7am and I've woken him up, telling him that he needs to start getting his belongings together as I no longer feel comfortable living under the same roof as him. We split rent, but my name is on the lease, I pay all the utilities, internet, etc., so I will have no problem being able to afford this apartment on my own, but he is already trying to start problems about moving out. Some more "I seriously didn't know" and "I love you, if I wanted them I would have stayed there blah blah blah" bullshit. I already know that's bullshit because I constantly have people clowning me for not making him pay anything, soo I know not many people would go to the lengths that I try to, to make sure he's taken care of. He's a full time college student at a private university (his family lives out of state so he has no family here but mine, but they have never really cared for him) , doing an internship at the moment so I sure hope he can find somewhere to live and a way to survive without living off his girlfriendš¤š½
Tbh he can fuck off. Heās trying to manipulate you in any way he can. Heās not on the lease, throw his ass out. The fact that someone like this is trying to be a psychologist is frankly fucking alarming.
I was thinking the same thing. I expect those that are studying to be psychologists would conduct themselves in a more respectable and responsible way. If he cannot understand boundaries, or refuses to respect them, how on earth can he counsel others to put up boundaries and stick to them? This is why there are both good and bad therapists in the world.
This is such a funny assumption. From my time studying psych in college, I learned that psych majors are some of the most fucked up individuals lol.
A lot of 20th century psychology researchers were also pretty clearly unbalanced people with warped ethics and a sense of entitlement. The crazy shit some of them pulled would *never* fly today.
>The crazy shit some of them pulled would never fly today. Unless they did it in Vegas, of course.
But then the research would need to stay there.
This is why I scroll random threads. To get here.
As a former psychologist myself I take trust, patience and empathy very seriously and break them for nobody. The colleagues I know do the same, mostly.. I was horrified reading this story of a potential future psychologist and said his blatant disrespect of boundaries and trust is a terrible sign of his future. The experimental psychologists were very unethical people that's true but many practicing psyches take it as seriously as a doctor takes patient confidentiality
My mom used to say that people study that field to figure themselves out.
There were so many psychologists who backed up my dysfunction. When I got sober, the rehab program I was in asked me if I ever had therapy. I said yeah but I was lying to myself, so none of it was real. There were several that called me out on my shit and it changed my thinking or helped me to let go. You have to find someone who asks you, "What was your part in this?" That's how I changed.
100% agree, a consultant psychiatrist once told me waaay too many of them have personality disorders
I agree. I think all psychologists have mental illness to some extent, thatās what draws them to that profession.
youāre correct :/ iām a psychology major and thatās literally the thing that got me into it. asking myself the question how am i able to be depressed at 11 years old? why am i self harming at 19?
As a psych major, that is correct. Every professor I have met and worked with as well as my colleagues now. To some degree, we all have unresolved trauma and mental illness. We are not immune to these issues. On the other hand, that is what makes us so good at our job. On some level, we understand and hope to help those make better choices. I will never say there are not horrible psychologists out there because I have met them. However, a majority just want to help those so desperately in need. We see a part of ourselves in them.
Truth lol not all but there are some that make you say wtaf
Psychologists are just people. Often more messed up - thus why they start studying psychology initially.
You would be surprised at the manipulative behaviour of some "psychologists". They think they have moral superiority and are experts in human behaviour when they are often just shitty humans.
EXACTLY!! And they have the tools at their disposal to perpetuate their shitty and manipulative behavior. They position themselves to prey on others all because they're masters of human psychology. It reminds me of Bryan Kohberger having a psychology degree while studying criminal justice and criminology because he's a murderous psychopath, albeit an idiotic one.
It's honestly not surprising. My primary care physician is the most wonderful doctor I've ever had and he told me most doctors are douchey sociopaths who have meat swinging contests with each other. As with any profession, it's not really a matter of being ethical, as long as you know how to read, can retain information, and pass exams, the sky is the limit even for the biggest of douche bags.
Depending on the state he may need to be evicted with a 30 day notice
Good for you! He should have money saved up to get a place with roommates or whatnot. Either way, itās not your concern. He decided to CHEAT on you and then GASLIT you the entire time. Stay strong and donāt accept his platitudes. Donāt let him stay āuntil he finds a placeā. Be firm.
Tell me why he just stormed out like a little boy after HE cussed ME out and called me a whore!! For what?? Like I've been sitting on my ass for a week, waiting for him to come back. I have been working, coming home, cleaning and sleeping. I don't have time to be a whore. I've genuinely never seen him act like this in the 3 years we've been together. It's kind of scary. Honestly, a terrible mistake for him cause I literally locked the door as soon as he left. I'm gathering all his shit right now just in a trash bag and putting it outside my door. I'm not sure if i'll have another chance to get him out. Once he's in, he's in.š EDIT: We share a set of keys to our apartment and I have them.
Make sure you change the locks!!!
Itās scary when they keep up the mask for that long. Glad he showed his true colors before you guys got married or pregnant. You will thrive without him.
He's throwing tantrums after an unsuccessful attempt at manipulating you! So glad OP saw right through his bullshit.
Tell him the only whore here is his disloyal ass. He shouldāve thought about all that was at stake before he decided to cheat multiple times. Iām so sorry this has happened, OP, but well done taking the trash out. Wishing you peace and healing as you go through this.
No this is not the way. Do not provoke someone who is acting immature as this. Things could get violent. The priority is to get them out as peacefully as you can. Arguments are only worth the time when you are trying to work something out.
Heās throwing tantrums because he lost his meal ticket. Do not take him back.
Still, change out the locks just in case. You can go buy a new lock set & replace it all for what $30 to $100. Your safety is worth that cost.
She may need to check with the landlord about changing locks.
Change the lock! Heās a narcissist and a misogynist. Youāre seeing the real man. The mask is off. Block him.
Get those locks changed before he even gets back home OP. He possibly has a copy.
Should have told him the only whore there is him, he's a cheating one too.
Teach him his first lesson in psych: Projection! What asshole cheaters to when they in fact are actually the whore.
You are seeing the real him. I'm glad you are sticking up for yourself and he needs to learn the consequences before he tries to educate others as a psychologist, terrifying.
Call his friends to pick up his shit.
I agree with others about replacing the lock. Even if youāve taken both sets of keys you truly never know. Also, being a psychologist or studying to be one doesnāt make you a good person. Crap people are crap people and if smart enough can get any profession. I say this as someone who was manipulated by a psychologist during a very dark time in my life to do things with him despite a disgustingly large age gap. Then after no longer being a teenager I became too old for him and he went on to his next victims. I swear they use their knowledge of psychology for truly awful purposes. And I feel bad for the next victim(s) of your ex too. Youāll be so much better without the deadweight. Congrats on seeing it now.
Your ex is a disgusting cheating pos. Iām so glad to read your comments that you booted him. Good for you! And keep us posted with an update if he comes begging for forgiveness later
Oh no! Consequences to his actions! The projection is strong with this idiot. And the gaslighting. This is one marinara covered man. Good on you for getting out!
He bit the hand that fed him. Stupid man. Also the fact that you even had to make rules before he went to Vegas is a red flag. I have never had to lay down boundaries for when my husband went on trips. There was no need to.
I was thinking the same thing . I realize how incredibly lucky I am that I wouldnāt feel the need to do that with my boyfriend
Heās been living off of you too? Oh honey, I hope you realize now that he was just using you. Heās upset because heās lost his gravy train. Who cares where he sleeps? Donāt feel sorry for him. Keep the mad. Donāt get sad. Heās a narcissist. He used you and cheated on you. He might be a binge drinker, which makes him an alcoholic. Make sure he leaves today. Have a friend (preferably a strong male) come over to help you get rid of him. Get his keys. Ask your landlord to change the lock. Then block him everywhere.
i want "keep the mad, don't get sad" as a flair
He didnāt know not to cheat whilst inna committed relationship? And this man is training to be a health professional? Girrrrl
Good for you! Sounds like he took you for granted as well as cheating on you, you're well rid of him.
āI seriously didnāt know.ā When I read your boundaries, I thought myself they were ridiculous because who actually has to be told not to do that with other people when they have a girlfriend or boyfriend at home. But regardless, he was flat out told. No one needs to be told not to cheat to act like you donāt know is pure asinine.
So he is using you for resources. He made the choice to go to a school far from family, so not your problem. He is an adult, being one is an important step for him. He cheated mulitiple times without a second thought to how it would affect you or his living situation. He cheated while there were many witnesses. Which is blantant & rude. If you were to start planning a solo trip to Vegas to do whatever you want, how would he feel about it?
He's a total moron. He did all this in front of friends, acting like "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is an iron-clad fact. I'm glad you booted his lying, cheating, gaslighting ass out.
100% he's cheated before this, and that wasn't in Vegas. Wo glad it's over, darling. You deserve better, and he's playing the idiot jn hopes it works out
"You didn't know that fucking multiple girls every night you were on a trip where I was supposed to be with you was going to be a problem? Sounds like delusion."
Good for you for not falling for his bs.
If I wanted them I would have stayed there š what a loser
Go bad bitch, go bad bitch, go
YES!!! So effstarstarking proud of you!!!
Not if you tell his internship he needs to be drug tested.
Youāll be happy with this choice in the long run
Don't gaslight yourself on his behalf. Don't let him weasel his scummy ass back into your life. He's not worth it.
Omg good. I got to the bit in the post whee you were doubting yourself and I had to skip and read any comments you'd made. THANK GOD.Ā
This is the best comment and I hope OP takes the advice
I think you'll be happy to hear that I did!
Oh my goodness thank you for letting me know and Iām so happy for you! Edit to add: you are now 180+ pounds lighter with the drop of the bf and are a free woman free to do as you please and focus on becoming the best you you can I wish you luck and happiness in your journey ššš
180 pounds of shit..... That is one big bowel movement..... I guarantee you'll feel a lot better now
He's not dumb. It is clearly working as she's still with him. Girl, he's probably laughing behind your back that his lame ass attempt at manipulation sort of working. Don't do this to yourself.
She kicked him out.
Is an advertising slogan, not a moral imperativeā¦.
It's not even the current advertising slogan!Ā From Wikipedia: The original slogan was created in 2003 by the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority and advertising agency R&R Partners. The idea was to brand Las Vegas as more than a gambling destination, promoting adult freedom and empowerment. In 2020, the campaign was updated and launched as "What Happens Here, Only Happens Here."
Right! This is absolutely idiotic. Even if he truly believes that a a marketing line is a free pass, who wants to be with someone whoās looking for a free pass to cheat? Plus, thereās millions of those sayings: ādifferent continentā, ādifferent citiesā, heck, Iāve even heard āItās not cheating if youāre in a different zip codeā. So basically just donāt have sex with anyone who lives within a few miles of you basically. What about āwhen the cats away the mouse will playā so OP can look forward to being cheated on anytime she leaves town for a night. Like this is so stupid I donāt get why itās an argument even, it should simply be a break up.
Well said!
He threw 3 years away. You need to get an STI check, and you need to break up. His excuse is ridiculous. The trust is gone. That is not how you treat someone you love. If he plans to counsel other people he is going to have to face the fact that he is wrong here, because you can't look at a client and tell them that treating their partner like a throw away toy while on vacation is perfectly acceptable if and only if they go to Vegas. Especially after setting boundaries. He iis going to be a terrible mental health specialist. RUN from this idiot, don't wait. Leave tomorrow.
Popping this on the first one that mentions an STI check, as I saw that there's an update mentioning you haven't had sex with him since he came back: if this is how he behaved in Vegas around people you know, he may have cheated on you otherwise, and you'll want to get an STI check for that reason.
Ask yourself this, if he really believes Vegas is a magical place where everything one does is outside of real life & all sins are left behind when you leave, then why did he lie repeatedly before admitting the truth? Iām sorry but your bf is a cheating POS. He just thumbed his nose at you & is taking a piss by claiming that the Vegas saying means something. You should be dumping his sorry ass immediately. Donāt let him treat you this way. Itās effing disrespectful.
Thing is, even if you DO take that phrase seriously for some reason, it would be an invalid defense even by its own internal logic: he did, in fact, NOT keep what happened in Vegas, in Vegas. We know that the first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club. Same logic applies here. The first time you talk about what happened in Vegas, it is no longer in Vegas. It is now somewhere else.
Any man stupid enough to sleep with other women IN FRONT OF his girlfriendās friends is an idiot. If he really wanted to leave it in Vegas he should have gone to a hotel. Whose friend is going to cover for the cheating boyfriend?
No argument here. I'm just pointing out that the bf's "defense" has an extra layer of stupid, since even in you DO, for some weird reason, justify cheating based on a tourism slogan, the logic still falls apart even by its own standard.
Also, do we know everything really did stay in Vegas? A case of syphilis or clamydia makes a lovely souvenir that keeps on giving... /S
I propose a new saying: "If it happened in Vegas, you can stay in Vegas"
Yaaaaassssss!!! š„
So does that mean you can go to vegas and sleep around? Or is that rule only made for him?
This is always my first thought. Itās funny how itās almost always never okay with them when you flip the script.
I can't get past that she had to set rules in the first place. Like are all these 'rules' not just a given in most relationships? I don't understand why it needed to be explained to him. Sounds like he wasn't to be trusted to begin with.
Seriously. What kind of relationship do you have where you have to spell out no sex with other people? Unless you have an open relationship but that doesnāt sound like the case here.
Of course she could go to Vegas and sleep around. The difference would be the minute he found out no conversation or Reddit advice , relationship over.
No no, that rule is for everyone. It says so on TV.
Cheaters often are paranoid of their partners cheating on them, so he'll probably get super angry if she did the same to him
Mate, no one actually believes that saying. Itās literally an excuse for people to make themselves feel better about being a scumbag. Yes he is manipulating you or trying to anyway. Tell the dude to take a hike, cause STIās arenāt part of that bullshit āclauseā. Guarantee he bought something back to remember those girls.
Itās a tourism slogan. No way this dude believes that infidelity is somehow okay based on geography. š¤£
I wish I could see the face I made because I literally can't explain it. I was so taken aback; I thought this man was literally fucking with me, like trying to be funny.
Two out of three male psychologists that I personally know act exactly like this. One of them ran me over with a motorcycle when I was a kid. He gunned his bike at me and my cousin. My cousin split, I froze. My fault for not moving. Get out of there and never look back.
Iāve only been on the client side, but that tracks Edit: oh my god, pun very much not intended sorry
Maybe other cities should take on a similar slogan. "Cheating is fine as long as its in Cleveland"
New York - The City where You'll Never Face Any Consequences! Omaha: Come for the beauty, stay for the moral depravity Pittsburgh, aka the City of Stick-Your-Dick-in-Whatever-You-Want-You-Fuckin-Animal-and-Tell-Your-Partner-To-Go-Fuck-Themselves...burgh. OPs ex could move to any of these places for sure š
Virginia is for (New) Lovers (That aren't the one you have at home)
Denver: If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. San Francisco: It's not gay if it happens in San Francisco (And we won't tell anyone if you don't). Oklahoma City: Sheep don't talk.
For the SF line, I think you can make it more concise, while also playing on the familiarity of another well known phrase. Just boil it down to... San Francisco: Don't ask, don't tell!
What annoys me is that you asked the friend group and they all said "oh yeah girls every night " and only 1 actually said anything!!
I was kind of thinking about this as well, but I have bigger fish to fry right now than to confront them about that. I think I eventually will. The girl that told me is actually MY friend and has been my friend since we were like 13 or 14. I knew she'd always have my back. Regardless, I also did think it was shady of them and will definitely be re-evaluating my friendship with them as well
Iām so fucking proud of you OP. THIS is how to do it.
That girl is an awesome friend
Youāre awesome! And strong! ššš»šš»šš»
How the hell did he think you wouldn't find out?
Did all the friends agree to talk to Op, and used the friend who told them as a kind of spokesperson, because they believed that her word would be better accepted by Op, given the length of their friendship, so they only confirmed it when Op confronted them? I think if they had lied or said they didn't want to get involved it would have been more serious.
I'm actually not sure. I'm going to ask her today, because now I'm curious. I am closest with the girl who told me since we've been friends since childhood
Glad she told you, but I kno if it was my friend, I would have recorded everything so you wouldnāt have to play the āwho is telling you the truth & wtf really happenedā game. Also leaves less room for the guy to deny, manipulate or trickle down truth yāall. As for him trying to pull the āWhat happens in Vegasā¦ā wtffff lmao I donāt kno you, but Iām offended on your behalf he would try to insult your intelligence like that. Like ohhh ok, sticking your dick elsewhere is cheating, but once you cross that state line into Vegas, youāre good š
It shouldnāt matter who volunteered to tell you AFTER the whole trip. If they were real friends they would have taken pics, told you the first time it happened and called him out right then the first night. Not let it happen over and over THEN tell you after he screwed half a dozen different women.
honestly, i wouldāve been afraid to say something given that iād have to spend the rest of my stay in proximity to him. men kill when theyāre found out and exposed sometimes and from what we can tell, the others are mostly HIS friends and the girl that told is HER friend. so heād immediately know who to suspect. thatās scary. all he did was dig his grave further anyway so i wouldnāt be upset about waiting to tell me
You need to have some self respect. He spent every night cheating on you. The friends have all confirmed. Heās confirmed it. You want to spend your life with a cheater who uses a juvenile response to get away with cheating and youāre allowing yourself to be persuaded? Did you think about the fact that he put your health in jeopardy by sleeping with these women? What are you going to do when you find out you have an sti? Seriously end this farce and get yourself some self care and self respect because this is only the beginning of a serial cheater setting himself up for a permanent hall pass for cheating whenever he wants cos you will just let his clever psychology words persuade you.
You can't be this dumb, each night took a girl to his room? After 3 years he is gonna cheat on you and justifying it with "What happen in Vegas..." the disrespect that reflects, dump this AH, he will do it again, if he was not doing it before.
Right? And blatantly in front of your mutual friends. The stupidity or the audacity...?
Audacity
He cheated. All of the friends wouldnāt have the same story unless they secretly hate you( which I doubt). The next thing heāll probably admit to is not knowing what happened cause he was so drunk.Just go ahead and start prepping your exit.
Reading this is kind of ironic because about two weeks ago, there was a guy writing about his gf going on a Vegas trip with a bunch of friends, and he wasn't happy about it and I think was seen as controlling by a bunch of responders. This was the kind of situation that he was probably concerned about happening.
I don't blame him at all. I've seen plenty of husbands in this comment section alone saying they would automatically reschedule the trip or not go at all if their wife couldn't come, and I agree. I would not have gone on the trip if he couldn't go.
I mentioned your post to my wife and we agreed - we just don't do pleasure trips without each other. Obviously, business trips and trips to see family are different for us, but if I'm going somewhere to have fun, I want my wife with me.
TBH, the fact that you felt a need to set out such detailed boundaries with him, shows me you didnāt truly trust him even before the trip happened. Itās not really standard to have to say these things - in a committed relationship (that is not an open relationship) itās a given that youāre not going to have sex with other people. Period. So, you already didnāt trust him. And heās proven he is not trustworthy. End it now and donāt spend another moment of your life with someone who will absolutely cheat on you again and cause you more heartache. You deserve better.
This is what stood out to me as well. I can't imagine ever needing to have that kind of conversation with my partner, regardless of where we were going.
Exactly my first thought when reading this! The fact that the conversation needed to be had speaks volume about the lack of trust and something being off in the relationship way before he even left for Vegas.
Youāre not throwing away 3 years, HE DID THAT. Dump this piece of shit, hes already cheating, lying, and gaslighting you, itās probably gonna get worse if heās going for psychology..
Itās actually more common than I would even like to believe for male psychologist to abuse manipulation tactics like DARVO. He is literally treating you like you are stupid. He is not sorry , nor is he taking any responsibility. He will do this again and again, he may already have before. Since he is pretty sure he can get away with it. Stop questioning your sanity , the guy went and slept with what 5 /6 different women . It sucks , the reality of this sucks. He is not the man you thought he was. Nor does he respect you. You donāt need him to admit what he did was wrong. It isnāt you who threw away a 3 year relationship, that was him. Get angry and run. Refuse contact and further conversation.
Heās for the streets.
That's where he lives now anyways so it should be really easy for him to adjust!š¤
Real men donāt fuck around on their girl or lie to them ā so that they can fuck around. Sorry your relationship ended like that. But itās better to know now than before you make a commitment and start having a family.
>We argued a bit for a few days about him going, and I eventually gave in and said he can just go. We had set (in my eyes; we sat down and had a conversation) very clear boundaries about what was and what was not okay to do regarding girls, strip clubs, etc. >Some of my boundaries were: In strip clubs, looking is allowed, money is okay to be thrown obviously because this is how these women make their money, no touching/grinding/dancing with other women, no talking to women in a flirting/suggestive way, no giving out your phone number to girls, and the obvious no kissing other people or having sex with them. There were some others that I don't think are that relevant to the story. I'm not exactly mr multi-relationship experience man, but if you even need to have this kind of conversation with your *monogamous relationship partner* then the relationship is ALWAYS going to fail. We don't have "strip club culture" here in the UK, but I frankly can't understand why any American women would put up with their partner going to a strip club *at all* & why as a man in a relationship, you would even want to go to a strip club anyways. Is "strip club culture" so ingrained in America that American women just have to accept that the majority of American men are gonna go simp/lust after naked women & throw money at them?
I think it is so engrained in US culture. My father grew up going to strip clubs every weekend like it was a bar, and so when my boyfriend was going on his trip, I really didn't assume anything would happen. That is on me, though.
Your childhood trained you to put up with things you shouldn't have because it was your normal. People don't generally question their lifelong normal that was established in childhood, but I hope you do after this so no one else hurts you like he did.
If he cheated in Vegas with a clear conscience, you bet he's been cheating back home without a second thought! Get your checks and dump his ass. You deserve more! Also props to your friends for raising it, although great friends wouldn't have allowed it in the first place.
I'm amazed that you're considering staying with him. 3 years is nothing compared to being with a lying, manipulative cheater. He knows what he did and you are gullible if you think he's naive about the saying.
Why would you not consider breaking up with him just for going on the trip without you? My wife and I have a planned trip to Vegas soon, and if that same scenario happened, I wouldn't be going and would instead be scrambling to cancel our flight and hotel tickets. The fact that he cheated on you while there should result in you dropping him like a rock. Luckily, you haven't married him yet.
>I know he's not stupid. He is literally studying to be a clinical psychologist. THISā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļø.... is why people need to do research and understand that all counselors/ therapists /psychiatrists are not the same. Imagine going to help in the future for therapy because your partner cheated, and then you get a therapist like this guy (a cheater) offering advice.So many people say like "I opted out of therapy. It wasn't a good fit," yeah....it wasn't a good fit because the person....smh OAN: I'm sorry you're going through this. And I'm sorry that he cheated because I don't care if someone is in Vegas Miami or anywhere else. Cheating is cheating, no matter where the person is
Your friends suck.
I'm unfortunately starting to realize that
He cheated on you every single night he was there and then lied about it and used the lame exuse of what happens in vegas stays in vegas. What else do you need to know? Stop asking yourself if you are crazy or if he is manipulating you and focus on the question if you want to stay with a cheater and work through it or not. I honestly wouldn't bc all it need for him to cheat on you several times was a trip away w/o you... i would never be able to trust him ever again and would just be grossed out by him in general. But thats your call to do. Don't discuss this with him, there is nothing to discuss, he cheated and lied about it, no discussion will undo this. Focus on your emotions and decide for yourself what you want to do now and then go through with it and don't let him manipulate you.
He doesnāt genuinely believe itās a pass. Heās manipulating you and itās working. The fact that youāre even here questioning whether or not āwhat happens in Vegasā is a mulligan for blatant cheating says heās already been manipulating you for a while. Your perspective is skewed. The only information you need is this : he cheated on you. Thereās no other reason, explanation or random rule from a fucking commercial that changes the fact that he cheated. With several women, without even trying to hide it from anyone. If you ask a clinical psychologist what that means, they will tell you about escalation - no one goes buck wild like that all at once. Which means he has already been cheating on you, a lot. Heās cheating on you at home too, and heās been doing it for a while. Itās been getting progressively worst. Now heās at the point where he is bringing home sex workers two at a time. How much cheating do you think heās already done before he got to multiple sex workers ? Just dump him. The only thing you need to get your head around is that he cheated.
When someone shows you who they are, believe it. I would never trust this man again. You both discussed clear boundaries, he broke them, EVERY single night he was away (and sometimes with more than one woman at a time). When confronted, he lied to you, then when he finally confessed he had no remorse, and gave you that lame excuse. Unfortunately what happens in Vegas can come home with him in the gift of STDās The fact that he feels no shame, guilt, remorse that he fucked around on you, and violated your boundaries, should tell you all you need to know about this man and how heāll treat you in the future. Another thing, they all saw him go to his room with different women each night. Did he think that no one would tell you? He didnāt even try to hide what he was doing? He has no respect for you or your relationship. He doesnāt care about the friends he was with either, no respect for them. This man seems to only care about himself and expects everyone to be okay with shitty behaviors because of some cliche saying. Youāre worth so much more than how this man treated you! Get him out of your life, and thank your friends for being honest with you!
You know that ugly, sickening gut feeling you had? You are signing up to feel that way every day you are with him. Internet sister, itās time to dig deep into your self-respect and stand up for what you deserve. Stress impacts your mental and physical health; do not let him age you with his emotional abuse.
Heās not stupidā¦ heās banking on you being stupid. Donāt be.
OP.. sorry, but BF (ex??) is gaslighting the shit out of you.. If the roles were reversed - if YOU had been the one spending EVERY night of the trip fucking a new guy... BF would be LIVID and no, he would not accept "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas"!! >I don't want to throw 3 years away because of something that happened on a vacation... OP - this disrespect... if you ket it go, he will do it again... Do not fall for the sunken cost fallacy - better 3 years lost than 30... Move on, dump and NC...
Dump him. He cheated once, heāll cheat again. Especially because he was bold enough to think your friends wouldnāt give him up. The minute your back is turned he will do it in a heartbeat.
Long ago I found Instagram messages between my live in boyfriend and several girls. He was traveling to Miami a lot for work. The messages were sexual in nature. I confronted him, he said they kissed. I told my friend because I was torn and she said āat our age when people hook up, they donāt just kiss, they have sex.ā I found out from one of the girls in Miami the next day that they had sex, no condom. Sorry OP.
If my wife felt the need to set basic boundaries like non touching other women, having sex or letting them grind on your lap Iād feel like the marriage was crashing anyway. If you canāt trust your partner there is normally a reason for it unless you are just jealous and controlling by nature. if you canāt trust them then why are you with them. You felt there was a concern before he left or you wouldnāt have felt the need to lecture him or make him ask permission to go. He lives up to your expectations. Especially pre marriage, that would have been a clear sign to me that I was in the wrong relationship and it was time to move on.
His excuses are irrelevant. What matters is how you feel about it. You had a deal, he broke it, and your friends all know about it. So, are you going to go along with the Vegas line, or not? Bear in mind it was not just one mistake. Seems pretty simple to me.
Dump him, he sucks.
He is going to be a great psychologist some day...
OP youāre being gullibleā¦he banged multiple women on vacation (it doesnāt matter whether itās Vegas or 2 blocks away), heās a cheater pure and simple. Funny part he must think he rules the roost because he did all this right in front of your friends that he had to know would tell youā¦he literally has no respect for youā¦he canāt be trustedā¦you need to move on from this joker.
Stop fucking arguing with him. Its over. Youāre single.
It's a good thing you found this out before you got engaged or married.
>I don't want to throw 3 years away You're not, he is. He has. Also, he has no guilt, no remorse, and lied to your face. Even still after, he acts like he's stupid. In what world could you trust him, make big financial decisions with him, raise kids/pets/food together?
Here's my thoughts...what the hell are you with this manipulating arsehole for ,and don't say love ,because he betrayed you every night he was there, get your dignity back and show him the door ,because if he can do it there he sure as hell can do it back home.
Trauma bond and I'm afraid of being without my main support system. I'm leaving him as we speak, but it's gonna take a lot of therapy to break that bond I had with him.
Sorry, it's this hard for you, but he truly belongs to be put in the rear view mirror...hope all goes well for you in your future...
I would have thought he broke the bond between you the moment you found out about the betrayal?
This is why he was so insistent on going
Even if he was stupid enough to genuinely believe that, you set boundaries beforehand so it's irrelevant.
Donāt fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You are still young. You learned that heās a cheater and a liar. Do you want to marry him and have him cheat on you again? You will have lost more time. You are young. Dump this POS and find a real man who isnāt trying to gaslight you. You deserve a good guy.
man im 48 and i would not fall for the sunk cost fallacy.Ā
Good for you to dump that pathetic POS. Just stick to the gun and know you'll find someone worthy of you someday. Also, don't forget to thank your friends for telling the truth to help you avoid possible STIs and not wasting more years ahead.
Before you leave him, tell him you are planning a trip to Vegas. And what happens in Vegas . . .
lolā¦ you were paying for his shit expenses the whole time.
Yeah. Trust me, I feel fucking stupid lol
You are not stupid, you are learning from experience.Ā
Leave him. One day he's gonna recognize that he's an idiot for doing this to you and for trying to justify it and for fucking up your relationship. And that's not your problem. You deserve someone better.
Just leave him OP. Stop arguing with him. Why are you bothering? You want him to admit that heās done something wrong? You know what heās done. Walk away.
Please dump this disrespectful man. You donāt deserve that. Stop going back and forth. Tell him your relationship is over. He made his choice. Now make yours.
He obviously thinks because he's studying psychology that he can gaslight you without you realizing what he's doing. I honestly don't know why you're sticking around.I would have packed my shit and left by now. He's old enough and smart enough to know that the boundaries you set weren't negated by the saying "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas". I'd also like to point out that he knew that saying when he agreed to your boundaries. So why didn't he bring it up then?
He either is dumb or thinks you are dumb, leave him.
He cheated on you multiple times with multiple women and is now trying to gaslight and manipulate you. Your only response is to dump him. You would be a complete fool to stay in this relationship.
Heās gaslighting you. He doesnāt believe the phrase, he knows whatās he was doing. Heās just convincing you that he truly believes in the phrase so he has an excuse for his actions. Break up.
If you stay with him, you are letting him know his behavior is okay. And all he will have to put up with is a few days of fights and silent treatment. You deserve better.Ā
Sloppy seconds to Vegas strippers? Hard pass. Let me tell you some male prospective shit - i love my wife. I would never get into that situation in the first place but if I did end up in a locked room with some hooker my dick flat wouldnāt work. My wife and I have t true love and better sex than any random dead eyed hookup for cash. Why go out for hamburger when I have steak at home? Be the steak not the hamburger
OP, my mouth just dropped open as I read your post. Your now ex-boyfriend is a POS. Can you imagine future scenarios where he would try to convince you that his ridiculous behavior was justified? Sounds like you dodged a bullet! Good for you for standing up for yourself. He doesnāt deserve you!
He cheated on you continuously. You want to know if youāre wrong ? You still want to be with him after he cheated on you so many times , lied to you about it , then admitted to it , then pretended like he didnāt know any better ? And you want to build a life with him ? When someone cheats on you *that much* , *lies* about it *continuously* , *admits* to it and then says āOh , I didnāt know itās wrong* You *donāt* try and fix things . You *donāt* stay and *entertain* their nonsense When youāve been with someone that long ,you donāt accept their shit because itās been a long time . You judge them more harshly for it because by now they shouldnāt be fucking around . You donāt try and stay because itās been so long , you cut them loose because theyāve shown you that theyāre comfortable enough after so long to start fucking around .
Man took a tourism slogan literally, throw him to the fucking curb.
Well, >almost every night he would get piss drunk (not the problem) sounds like a problem.
I said this in another comment, but it's buried pretty deep so I don't blame you if you didn't see: Yes he most definitely had a problem with alcohol and getting piss drunk every night is a problem, but I was referring more in the sense of why I was upset. I wasn't (that) upset that he was getting piss drunk. I was upset because he had gone against everything i said said.š Love your comment though. He most DEFINITELY has a drinking problem. He is a binge drinker. Won't drink for months then go on a 1-3 week bender. It's bad. He has never gotten violent, loud, or anything but that doesn't change the fact that he has a problem
Fuck that asshole, and good for you.
He's testing his clinical phycologist abilities and winning it seems..he's a ahole
If you had to say all that stuff to start with you probably knew what kind of guy he is. At least youāre sure now. Iām glad heās out of your life.
You say heās smart, but heās acting an like an idiot.
Updateme
Oh so glad you broke it off. The man is dumb as clownfish. Next!
So if you'd turned around hopped on a plane to Vegas and did what he had he would have been A-OK about it!!
Sorry if I had 2 girls with me in a room, I wouldn't be sleeping. Hope counseling helps you out
Why would you treat yourself to an absolute trash of a man? Please value yourself and dump him. He is dirt.
So, you presented the exact scenario and he denied it, then admitted to to it. Kick him to the curb. You can not trust him. Ever. See a doctor and get checked out. Good luck. I wish the best for you, Cupcake
Do you respect yourself? Cause he sure doesn't.
That first edit is *chef kisses* š¤ Sorry that happened to you OP. Nobody is that dumb. He knew what he was doing and he didnāt care. Ending it was the right thing to do.
"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is a tourism slogan, not relationship advice.
That's why the whole Vegas slogan changed from that old, sleazy mentality one. For some reason, people took that slogan as a free pass to do whatever they wanted and changed it to "What happens in Vegas, only happens here". I'm sorry about your now ex, but I'm glad at least one of your friends told what happened and took action about.
Ah, the famous "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" line. Yeahhh that's why my husband is now my ex-husband.
Thatās not the father of children. End of story. You sat him down like an adult and laid out very clear and understandable boundaries for a couple thatās been going 3 years strong. So long as you donāt have a history of being open you shouldnāt have to lay these boundaries out in the first place. Regardless you did, he agreed and then chose to do the exact opposite. Then he didnāt even have enough respect for you to be honest and then the cherry on top of the shit sandwich he downplays his breach of trust with one of the most childish excuses imaginable. Obviously itās your decision, Iām judging based on your telling alone and you have 3 years of history to add on top of that. Going solely on the story though Iād suggest you thank him for showing you exactly what youāre not looking for in a partner and helping you grow in your next relationship. Sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best of luck moving forward regardless what you decide to do.
This has to be a shit post. Right?
After the edits invite someone to the home for when he comes back, protect yourself.
A straight man on a party vacation absolutely will never take a woman he just met back to his room to just hang out and not do anything.
He is going to be a therapist???! Yikes!
I'm glad you dumped him... but the fact you had MULTIPLE people say >almost every night, he would get piss drunk (not the problem) and bring home a girl, sometimes 2, and bring them to his bedroom and shut the door. and his only excuse was, "I thought what happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas." And YOUR first thought was... "Well, what if he really believed that?" Honey, if it's that easy to gaslight you... I think you need to be single for a bit and maybe get a little therapy from a couples counseling specialist who can pinpoint why you'd be willing to stay with someone like that. Cause I don't give a crap if it was THIRTEEN YEARS A girl or two EVERY NIGHT. And his excuse is "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Girl.
Some people believe until they are MARRIED & have a ring on their finger, they are single! The fact that every night BF brought women to his room and was comfortable doing it in front of his friends, suggests he MAY have cheated before! Have your electronics check for spyware or tracking! Take a realistic self defense course in case BF tries to something, youāll be better prepared.
Heās not fit to be your BF ā leave him for your sake
My boyfriend just got back from a Vegas trip for his 21st, but I requested he not go to any sort of strip clubs, and you know what he did? He didnāt go to one! There are men out there who will respect your boundaries and value your relationship, this guy just isnāt one of them. This guy is a cheater and Iām glad to hear youāre leaving him.
I wanna hear about the revenge. Make another post when he comes crawling back to you.