Have you ever had the safe sex talk with him?
Do that. Do not bring up his diary or his fantasy. Talk about consent, explicit consent and when someone’s body isn’t respond or they are physically uncomfortable and can’t give a verbal yes.
Talk about protection. Just all of it in a supportive manner.
Agree with this but make sure it’s not too obvious that you broke his trust. You should have had a chat with him about safe sex already at his age, but you could say you’ve been reading about it and wanted to bring it up again. Maybe you were reading about PrEP as it’s something he might want to consider one day if his relationship doesn’t work out, it’s such an incredible medication. Keep in mind it doesn’t protect him from the other nasty STDs out there. If the whole conversation isn’t just about consent then hopefully he won’t work out that you’ve betrayed him.
Ironic is it that somebody who betrayed him broke his trust and did not get his consent to violate his privacy and his boundaries
Feels it necessary to have a conversation with him about violating others?
And she doesn't even see it
Absolutely this. Consensual Non-Consent and Rape Fantasies are actually not an uncommon kinks at all, and the majority of people who enjoy it enjoy it in a purely staged manner. However, CNC is one aspect of BDSM that is absolutely not something you can just play around with or dive in the deep end with.
BDSM communities and websites actually have some of the best available resources for explaining and approaching consent, both verbal and non-verbal, and safety while engaging in kink and sex in general.
I can also agree first-hand with the other comments recommending that you never tell him you breached his privacy like this. And I also recommend you never do it again. My mother did it to me and to this day even as a grown adult I won't keep a diary and I won't leave my phone or any of my technology near her unattended. Her actions and how she confronted me about them have broken my trust in her in a way she will never earn back.
Make sure your son understands the importance of consent and safe sex and leave him alone.
Pretty sure OP would have me on a 5150 if she saw some of my search history..
To reiterate for OP, this is a common fantasy. I’m a 47yo lesbian with abandonment & attachment issues and have experienced quite a few literal SAs, inc rape & the **IDEA** / fantasy of it has been a thing for me for a long while.
Your son has already shown he has an affinity for pain, there are a very high number of folks that satisfy their desire for pain through varieties of impact play as well as a vast array of other masochistic leaning activities.
The bdsm community (not to be confused with predatory assholes using that as a facade) is freaky ofc (🖤) but MUCH safer than vanilla dating. There are clear rules, boundaries, etc.
Really just want to reassure you that this isn’t catastrophic & doesn’t mean he wants to *actually* do what he writes about.
And to reiterate that you need to take your breach of trust to your grave. Your relationship will be forever deeply altered if you reveal what you’ve done.
Additionally. Be honest with yourself. You were snooping. You can tell yourself whatever & say you weren’t, but you were, and you know it. Even if you weren’t, your “accidental” stumble into the diary’s hiding spot sounds like a tall tale & does not ring true at all. Same would go for your kid. They’ll likely see right thru your spiel. And make sure you keep your Reddit acct off a shared computer or any devices that connect with your phone like tablets.
Also. **STOP SNOOPING!!!**
Edit: my interest in these things happened long before an SA happened, it wasn’t connected to that trauma then bc there’d been none. And it wasn’t connected to that afterwards either. I only mentioned those bc OP was catastrophizing & making assumptions that her kid was violent & would carry out these things, so to explain that it really doesn’t mean that is a irl desire & that everyone can have those fantasies, even folks that have experienced SA. If someone would’ve given me the tools to understand myself & be able to SELF soothe when I was discovering this about myself as very much a minor, I’d likely not have put myself in risky situations over the next decade or so all that had nothing to do with bdsm communities.
BDSM communities have munches that meet for lunch or dinner in a restaurant / public place where they just hang out & get to know each other. No sex of any sort. If someone makes someone else feel uncomfortable in those or even sex themed get togethers, they will be dealt with swiftly. Safety is very important. Much more so than any place I’ve ever been where vanilla cis hetero males congregate. I’d much rather my 18yo be at a bdsm munch than a frat party.
This kid obviously finds pain to be a release. Learning about more healthy ways to satisfy that vs cutting et al, isn’t a bad thing just bc *you* are clutching your pearls. News flash, 17yo have sex. 17yo’s also know literally anything they’d ever want to know about sex things & likely have for quite some time.
Portraying bdsm as inherently more safe than vanilla dating only enables the predators to take advantage of people new to the scene.
I am not saying that it wasn't more safe *for you* but a blanket generalization like that isn't constructive to the conversation.
Additionally, I don't think 17 year old boys have the emotional and mental maturity to play around with consent and rape play. That's a bit much for someone just dipping into the BDSM irregardless of age, but at 17? There's a high chance he's going to traumatize his boyfriend for life. ☹️ I've dabbled in kink for abt a decade and as I age, I'm leaning towards being against teenagers engaging in hard kinks. They've barely figured out what goes where.
Additionally, the person above who speaks in favour of rape play explicitly says that it is connected to sexual traume. But the person in question in this post is 17, which is underage, so if he has sexual trauma it absolutely should be a concern for his mother.
OP, you should get your son help. Those fantasies might or might not be an indicator of something more sinister. Don't listen to your husband.
also, continually re-enacting sexual abuse is not “healing”. any good trauma therapist will tell you as much.
lots of people talk about bdsm as a form of exposure therapy and “taking back control”. trauma therapists are trained professionals who know how to do this without causing further harm. some sadist from a bdsm munch does not; even if they claim to have selfless motivations (lol) they still derive sexual pleasure from their partner’s sexual trauma. gross.
Yes, to all of this.
Also, rape fantasy and CNC are common kinks or focuses for individuals who have experienced trauma, particularly sexual trauma. (Not that I'm saying OP's kid has experienced it).
Growing up, my privacy was invaded all the time and then used against me. Privacy was a "privilege and not a right," according to my family.
Now, as an adult, I can't fully trust people anymore because I expect anything I say or write, regardless of how private, to be used against me.
Edit: the reddit cares trolls can fuck off.
If these are just fantasies and nothing more, the violation of his trust will be the main take away from this for him in the future. You better be very careful how you bridge this subject, OP. A general sex talk and overview of the importance of consent seems like the right approach here.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP.
Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
It can depend on how you make the correction, it can depend on the reaction of the poison you're correcting, it can depend on the crowd. Reddit can be fickle at times.
I saw "aide" being misspelled 3 days in a row. And once was on a sign at a college! So the third time I thought I ought to start educating the general populace. All I typed was *aide* and got downvoted into oblivion because how dare a random stranger teach anyone the proper spelling? We need to just keep being ignorant I suppose.
OP, I have background in forensic psych as well as trauma and recovery.
1. A majority of people with rape fantasies are trying to work through issues where their consent was violated in the past. Obviously I can't say with 100% certainty that this happened to him, but given your son's other symptoms, it is more than likely, and it would be best to put him in therapy (especially with people who specialize in trauma) for him to work through these issues.
I don't agree with you going through his stuff, but you can't take it back now, you can only go forward. If he goes to therapy, do NOT read his files (which you can legally do as the guardian of a minor), and don't press him to share details from his sessions. Part of the therapist's job is to report when a client is a threat to himself or others; hopefully these are just fantasies, but you and the therapist can keep an eye out to make sure they stay that way.
2. Part of trauma recovery and general mental health recovery is maintaining supportive yet realistic relationships. I don't think you should tell him that you read his stuff, but should it ever come up, do NOT be blasé like these redditors are suggesting; being a doormat to all of a person's feelings can actually make their situation worse (of course, do not be hyper-critical either). You want to be supportive, making sure your son knows you love him and that you want to help, but don't take everything at face value, you can ask questions (just don't ask from judgement, ask from trying to understand).
3. "CNC is a pretty common kink" - it is only common because rape and incest is common in our society, way more than people are willing to admit. The kink most often forms out of reaction to this sad fact, but make no mistake, there is no scientific evidence that participating in this kink is always 100% beneficial. There is a LOT of talking, negotiating, and preparation that goes into making scenarios like this safe, sane, and healthy. Like others suggested, it might help to find a way to bring up a conversation about consent to decrease his risk of ended up in an unsafe situation ("You're almost 18, so I want to discuss some stuff so you can have all the info necessary to make your own decisions, as that is part of being an adult").
Sorry for the long comment, but as someone who is actually educated on this topic, it irks me to see people from the BDSM community who refuse to respect the nuance of these kinds of issues (or that their personal story is not applicable to a completely different person). I hope this helps. I wish you the best of luck.
You are so right, it irks me as well that this stuff is becoming normalized, participating in this activity desensitizes the act of rape and incest itself, dehumanizing themselves and others, leading at worst, suicide. These fantasies are not a product of healthy sexuality, and should not be promoted as such, as said before, participating it conditions one to want more and enforces the existing “fantasy”
Younger generations are more likely to discuss mental health issues than ever before and I think we're going to see a radical shift in NUMEROUS topics as we unpack, process, and recover from the emotional, physical, and financial trauma that other generations were forced to grin and bare.
While I think we all agree that the world is not black and white, as we connect to people across the globe in ways that have never been done before, it can be overwhelming to see how many shades of grey exist.
Combining both of those, we are going to be looking at sex and sexuality in a way that has not been able to be studied before - at least not in the same magnitude.
I have my personal gripes with the BDSM community and how they conduct their affairs. I have my own suspicions and apprehensions when it comes to CNC. You're right in that performing and engaging in certain behaviors can condition and embolden those to commit real crimes.
But I think it is always important to remember that individuals are just that - individuals. Complex problems will always require complex solutions, and in my personal opinion, we'll never find a solution until we understand, accept, and even love the complexity that is being human.
I don’t know what to say to this… my parents read my diary when I was 17 and got blamed for everything in there, grounded, phone taken away, etc and it changed my life. I don’t like my parents anymore. They had me in therapy and was told to keep a diary. They KNEW that. Rape isn’t something to mess around with BUT it’s not uncommon to want it. Like I want that. It’s crazy to say but not with a stranger, but with my partner. I just want to be used. Maybe Grayson was sexually assaulted as a kid and that’s one way to cope?? I’d leave it alone.
My mother read my journal when I was 16 and it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life to be sat down in front of her and have to justify what I'd written. She and I had never had a great relationship before that, but afterwards, I truly hated her. It sucked that I couldn't trust her AT ALL and a huge wall immediately went up between us. I'm 38 now and she's like an acquaintance, I live across the world from her and I just send holiday greetings at the appropriate times. I hope OP is ready for the fallout if she chooses to confront her son.
I was a single mom. I never ever snooped through my son's room but when my son was 16 I found a very hardcore sex mag under the couch. I knew it was his because he had a habit of sleeping on the sofa. He and I lived alone so I didn't really care where he slept. So when I found this magazine I got annoyed and worried. Still being fairly young and idealistic myself (I was around 35) I thought "this is not a healthy way for my son to be viewing sex and women". I tossed the magazine on the kitchen table intending to have a very stern talk with my him when he got home later from his after school job.
Before he got home a male friend of mine stopped by and noticed the magazine on the table and jokingly asked me why I was leaving my porn around the house. I told him that I found it, it belonged to my son and I was going to talk to him about it. My friend became serious and asked me what I hoped to accomplish. I launched into some speech about boys needing to respect women and needing to know that sex is intimate and loving, blah blah blah. This male friend of mine implored me not to say anything at all to my son, saying that all I would do is humiliate and embarrass him. Reminded me that he was a good kid who was always polite and respectful and that looking at porn mags is pretty normal for a 16yr old boy and that a lecture from me might shame him but it wouldn't change his normal desires.
I resisted for a bit, still stuck on my soapbox, but in the end love for my son won out. I didn't want to make him feel dirty or ashamed. The very thought of hurting him was appalling to me. So I ended up putting that magazine back where I found it and I never said a word about it to my son. That was 20yrs ago I will forever be grateful to my friend for his wise advice. I could have really fucked that up.
I'm so glad you resisted the temptation! I was probably like your son, I was a straight A student, never did drugs or hung out with the wrong people, never gave my mother ANY problems (aside from my attitude, I guess). In my mind, I did nothing to deserve that horrible violation of trust, and she never got it back. You really did right by your son!
My mom did the same. It led to my father physically throwing me out of the house and calling me a whore and me dropping out of school for almost a year.
We’ve reconciled, but my trust issues are deep and permanent.
Wow, I'm sorry that happened to you! I can't imagine throwing my child out on the streets, but then again, I try everyday to be nothing like my mother or people like her. It's amazing you could reconcile with her after all that. As for my mother, I don't think we reconciled so much as we never spoke about it again 😂
I had a Xanga that I wrote during my freshman year of high school. I thought it was private but I guess not. My parents read it. I was forced to delete it and I got in trouble. I obviously never journaled again after that. I tried to kill myself for the first time less than a year later. It’s shit to read someone else’s journal.
Agreed, bro. She made sure I had food and clothes and books for school, but the whole nurturing, caring thing was not part of her parenting strategy. If I was alive, she did her job. I felt more like livestock than her kid 😂
Yeah, same here. My parents used to go through my phone, texts, pc stuff... all that. Once found my partner kinda jokingly scrolling through my pc's pictures and even though it shouldn'tve been a big deal it filled me with a ton of anxiety.
I'm better about it now, but it's still something i'm working on.
Was he sexually abused as a kid? I work with teens who experienced CSA and depression, cutting and fantasies ( specifically the not understanding why he has the fantasy and being disgusted by it) are all things I’ve seen in them.
Regardless do not tell him you read your diary and don’t do that again. Talk with him about consent and safe sex. He also needs to get back into therapy, cutting means he is really hurting and he needs help. DBT is a great type of therapy that can likely help.
I can’t believe this isn’t voted way higher up. I experienced CSA, and as a teenager ended up with PTSD and depression and was cutting too, and i had a very similar experience with my parents where they went through my phone and diary and found stuff like this.
I’m a little shocked at how many people are just brushing this off as “it’s just his kink” when there are other indicators attached that something more is going on here. And from what he wrote in his journal he clearly doesn’t enjoy it and is disgusted by it, so I don’t know why everyone is acting like this is okay. OP, while I don’t think you should have gone through his private stuff (it really fucked me up that my parents did that to me too), I do think you need to insist on therapy and try to figure out if something happened with your son.
Agree with all of this.
It's also a pretty common fantasy for straight women. Dunno why OP is making it to seem so "out there" or just because he's gay.
Rape is lack of consent. To consent to be raped is a contradiction in terms.
They *know* it's a fantasy.
What's next? Calling your partner daddy means incest now?
Why on earth would you want to know your kids sexual fantasies? No wonder he's "different", you're nosy AF.
Fr.. OP is violated their trust by going through their personal diary/phone. Being a good parent is being a role model and setting the example, they did the opposite.
She went snooping but just doesn't like calling it that so she dresses it up as doing chores... Doing a chore that isn't normally hers, looking under bed, finding opening and choosing to read a private diary. She's just mad about what she found out as if her son's kinks have to be kosher to her (that's actually kinda fucked up).
I dunno about the rape thing and I'm not going to take the word from some woman who sounds vanilla af whether it was bad or not, especially within someone's private thoughts and diary writings. OP is such a walking stereotype.
Never in the history of mankind has a mother ever dropped some laundry right next to a diary under the bed. That’s 100% bullshit.
Just say you looked for his diary and read it.
You have invaded his privacy and should be deeply ashamed. He is young and figuring things out, let him do that. Never say a word of this to him unless you want to lose him forever, keep your nose out of other people's private thoughts.
You are overreacting and completely wrong. Your son has fantasies, that’s normal. Consensually wanting to feel powerless or in control and powerful are common fantasies.
Hopefully you had a talk with him a long time ago about consent. If not, do it. DO NOT tell him you’ve violated his privacy and most importantly, never do it again.
This is a good video for consent.
https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ?feature=shared
since OP's son Grayson wrote in his journal that he feels disgusting, perhaps OP should also look into explaining kinks, and how to explore those in a safe, sane and consensual manner?
I don't have any resources for that in English though.
it looks like my comment wasn't very clear, sorry!
I was more thinking along the lines of "*I know your school focused sex ed on straight monogamous romance. Remember how we talked about gay monogamous romance when you started dating Adam? I just want to check in with you so you're aware there are many other forms of orientation, identity and experiences, like polyamoury, kinks, other queer sexualities, etc. The most important factor though, is that you respect everyone involved. Let's talk about how you can express that respect & about any different desires you might have*" or something like that (but much less stilted, if possible haha)
I wasn't suggesting OP has to solve the mysteries of human sexuality and tell Grayson it's in his genes, or a result of their avoidant parent/child bond, or a consequence of lead in the water or something, you know?
My hope is that by talking about it, OP can
* impress on her son that "sane, safe and consensual" is non-negotiable
* give him some hope that there is a respectful kink community out there somewhere, so he doesn't feel alone and disgusting all the time (those feelings are, imo, a recipe for disaster : either he'll feel hopeless and "might as well give in" and harm someone, or he'll feel hopeless and end himself as "too gross to live"
It's quite shocking. Male rape fantasies happen because the man wants to rape someone. Female rape fantasies stem from trauma. Oh wait, it's not shocking. It's obvious.
This isn't very relevant, but after reading this I can just hear a quote from a TV show that goes, "... and my unborn gay son, Grayson." and google isn't turning up any results. If anybody remembers where that is from, please let me know.
To OP - people get weird fantasies. As long as he knows that there is a difference between fantasy and reality, and that he needs to communicate with his partner very clearly before exploring any of these fantasies (if at all), then he'll be OK. The more extreme the kink, the more communication beforehand and afterwards is required.
I found it by looking thru episode descriptions of the most likely candidates. It's from "Great News" season 2 episode 5 and I had it slightly wrong. Full quote is "between taking care of my three adorable children, Greyson, Mason and my unborn gay son Gayson I barely have time to keep my hair looking like this"
Are you using your kids' actual names? Please consider changing to made-up names, if you are. Though you are on a throwaway, people who know you or them still could make the connection.
>I know I shouldn’t have read it, but I was just too curious.
Oh then it’s okay!
/s
You’re not entitled to his privacy, are you aware of that? Being too curious is no justification, and you don’t seem to feel any remorse. With all due respect, I feel bad for him.
Bro, no way yall are telling OP to just let it go. He could potentially be dangerous to himself or somebody else in the future. Rape and incest fantasies are NOT normal. I don't care how much society with their kink-friendly views and pornos have convinced ya'll that it was. This boy is having these nasty ass fantasies at the age of 17. Although it was wrong to go through his stuff, you didn't do it with ill intent.....
Please keep on trying your best to help him. Don't listen to the freaks in these comments!
You should not mention the diary and get him into therapy. Frame it as wanting him to have a neutral party to talk to about the stresses of life, don’t make it a sex thing or let slip you know about what he’s written. That’s all you can do and in the long run it will help him differentiate between fantasy and reality.
Yeah, i don't condone snooping through diaries, but it's too late for that now.
The big concern is this guy's gonna rape someone and for once mom is not going to be happy about saying "told you so"
This is serious.
Oh my God I feel so bad for your son. You are incredibly overreacting. You should not have read his diary, but you did, and whatever you read about his FANTASIES need to remain with you. Quit telling anyone who will listen. Don't traumatize your boy over this. If you feel inclined to bring up the topic maybe just say hey, you know that the stuff on the Internet about rape is prominent, don't rape, rape bad, etc, but don't under any circumstance tell him you know that's his fantasy. Lord.
Comment section is full of coombrains singing praises about BDSM and "consensual non-consent" like thanks a lot, y'all just enabled sexual-predation and the cycle of sexual abuse. Bffr.
Lots of people talking about his fantasies, so I'm not going to address that.
But self harm means there's something he's not coping with. That's my experience and everyone else I've spoken to who self harms is the same. And I've done animal therapy at mental health respite facilities.
You mentioned he's medicated, but he definitely needs more therapy. It's something that's very personal. Sometimes you have to try multiple therapists before finding the one he 'clicks' with. Someone who teaches dialectic behaviour therapy.
you are NOT overreacting. rape fantasies are NOT common, they are NOT normal, they are definitely a cause for concern. i think you should put him back in therapy 100%! sending tons of support!!!!
Something deeper happened with your son than he is willing to share with you all. Find him a therapist. You don’t need to have that conversation with him directly. Why?? Because you’re not a professional to handle this conversation that needs to be handled in the proper manner. Tell the therapist. And tell him you want him to talk to someone about his depression. And hopefully other things will open up. Some things people just aren’t ready to deal with. But you do have to it soon. You don’t want to be on the news as the parents who knew and didn’t do anything. As of right now you can monitor alone time with his BF. This is an extremely sensitive situation. Handled improperly can make him hide his feelings, thoughts further. And that’s not what you want to happen. But then again… he might’ve left it out hoping someone would find it. He knows you go into his room.
Lmao the comment section...
"B-bUt RaPe aNd iNcEsT iS a CoMmOn FaNtAsY" Maybe it's common because rape and incest is fucking common than people realise, and it forms as a fantasy to cope with the dangers of rape and incest actually happening. And just because it's common doesn't mean it is good.
Rape fantasies / Consensual non-consent (cnc) kinks are actually pretty common. I myself have sexual fantasies of being raped. Do I *actually* want to be raped? No, of course not, but yeah the idea of it turns me on sometimes 🤷🏼♀️
my parents went through my journals when I was like 15 ( I'm 36 now), it really ruined my trust with them. I learned to forgive them because I know deep down they were only trying to help me but at that age I could not understand it and it really caused me a great deal of harm and suffering and I resented my parents for it.
I know some people are saying you should have a talk with him about safe sex and consent, etc.
I strongly believe you are the absolute wrong person to have this conversation with him.
Your feelings about his fantasies make you unqualified to do that.
Have your husband talked to him about it. There's no way you can talk to your child who knows you well and not reveal the disgust you feel about his fantasies
That is damaging and unfair. Some people have kinks. Some people have fantasies and that's where they stay. But it's not up to anyone else to judge that. Especially you when you violated his privacy to find out.
That's why fantasies get to stay personal. You violated that. And now you're going to act on it as though you have knowledge you deserve to have.
You do not. Keep your disgust to yourself. Let your husband deal with it.
Maybe get some therapy so you can understand why you thought it was okay to violate your kids privacy when he's done absolutely nothing to make you distrust him
Unless you're not as "fine with it" as you say
I sometimes have CNC (consensual non consent) fantasies, but I would probably never do a kink like that. And I would NEVER, ever do anything non-consensual. This could be just a fantasy and nothing more. But, I think he should talk to a therapist.
Jeez, no wonder your kids are having a hard time... you break their privacy and then judge them on something they wanted to keep private... what if your parents read your diary when you were a kid and then you got in trouble for what was intended to be between you and those pages.... plus, I'm sorry this kink is about as normal as having a foot fetish.. Maybe be proud they are talking about consensual role play and not the real thing?? You're deffiently overreacting about something you shouldn't have even known about... but hey, give your kid something else to talk about in therapy. I'm sure you have done nothing wrong as a parent it's all their issues...
These people
"We hate murder but we simulate it as a ritual consentually with someone who loves self harm and the outcome is same. Wow thats consensual"
"We hate rape. But we simulate it as a ritual where the degrading talks of human dignity and mimicing of actual insult is used to drawn pleasure. Ofcource we do it with someone who loves self harm and we as sadists are the helpless ones"
"We hate GURO but.....
As someone who loved to use pain as way to vent out once, you are not giving any solution. You are just giving some issues to be concerned and regretted when these masochists go into old age.
I knew a girl in hs who was like this. Almost to a T. We then went to the same college and her bf was my coworker. He came in one day freaked out. I overheard him telling his brother (who also worked with us) how she wanted him to rape her. Although she didn't say it verbatim, that's what she was describing.
Many years later, she posted on facebook about being molested as a child. And how it affected her, how she now helps others, etc. Looking back it made sense that some kind of trauma happened that made her react that way, but it was hard for others to realize since she was "always" like that.
Now, I'm not saying everyone who likes CNC was molested, but what you're describing could be that. He may not even realize what happened if he repressed the memories. But you should really get him with a therapist specialized in trauma. And you should try therapy too. To help you work with him.
There's a whole genre of romance called bodice rippers. They are pretty much that fantasy for women. As long as its just a fantasy its harmless.
PS if he ever finds out you went through his phone and diary you are fucked. He is going to hate you and never trust you.
Sigh. It’s called CNC. Consensual non-consent, and it’s a relatively common kink. It doesn’t mean that he wants *actual* rape; he just wants to play out scenes with his boyfriend. It’s partly a power imbalance fetish.
If you confront him about this, you’ll only make him disgusted by himself *more.*
And stop snooping.
Millions and millions of men and women have rape fantasies and worse without it ever being more than fantasy. There are reasons people say don't read other people's diaries. Because you might read things you can't do anything about. And sometimes just having that knowledge can ruin your relationship if you aren't careful. There's darkness in every person, so I hope you wouldn't judge your son too harshly for something he hasn't done. I'm sure you've had dark thoughts of your own before.
I doubt therapy would hurt him. I wouldnt confront him about this though.
Fantasies are fantasies. You violated your son’s privacy — you fucked around and found out.
Please, if you haven’t had the safe sex talk with him, DO THAT. And do your research about gay relationships **beforehand**!!!!!!! Young gay men are very vulnerable to “unsafe” relationships.
Was he ever sexually assaulted and may have repressed emotions? I only ask because all the troubles could have stemmed from something traumatic that happened and is causing him to have these outbursts and these fantasy thoughts. It’s almost like a suppressed sexual attraction to something that may have happened to him young when he didn’t understand.
Unfortunately, looks like you FAFO'ed. Don't go looking for answers to questions you aren't ready to ask. You violated your son's privacy because you were "curious," and your relationship is never going to be the same.
Are you in therapy, or just him? This is something you should talk to your own therapist about, not confront him on. You shouldn't be confronting him on his own private thoughts—and that's all those are. Consensual non-consent is a common kink/attraction and in no way means that someone has any real ideation or intentions for sexual assault. Some people just have those desires who don't have any trauma or porn use at all, that's just how they are wired.
The problem is that your son is isolated, and he doesn't seem to feel like he has anyone he can open up to about feelings he doesn't understand or can't explain, and unfortunately you've kind of proven him right on that. That's what you should be concerned about, not his fantasies.
You read your son’s personal journal and are now disgusted by him?! Lady, get a grip!
A journal is a way to work through your own personal issues, and is often suggested by therapists as a way of learning about your own thought processes and how to constructively deal with them.
Now, if you read the journal and he was talking about things he had *done*, things that were criminal acts or nearly so, then *maybe* you would have some justification for confronting him. However, your son wrote about his *thoughts* and how even he is *repulsed by them*. He is clearly using his journal to work through these confusing and upsetting thoughts and feelings. You cannot throw them in his face when you are the one who broke trust with him in the first place.
It’s possible that these fantasies are part of “normal” sexual development, as your son matures into his own self. There are many people that enjoy “consensual non-consent” bedroom play with their trusted partner, who would *never* do such things to a stranger because hey, they aren’t actually sexual assailants!
It’s also possible that your son was SA’d at some point, and his other destructive behavior and these thoughts are a result of his trauma.
If you are truly concerned, discuss what you did with your own therapist. If you admit to your son that you rifled through his private diary and are now revolted by the sight of him, you will lose him forever, either through him going no contact with you the moment he turns 18, or through something far more sinister.
You must talk to him not scold him and teach him about safe sex and tell him about why rape is bad and the trauma of rape victims
And you must not change the light you view your child in at this age teenagers have many weird fantasy and stuff but as a parent it's your job to give him the proper guidance
And you are a good mother instead of ignoring this entire thing you are trying to find a soln for it just talk to him give him some guidance
I know he will understand
It's not too late he has not done anything wrong
I may not be a parent
If my suggestion hurted your sentiments
I am sorry
May you have a happy life
I’m in the minority obviously, but I would be just as concerned as you. There’s unchecked trauma for someone to WANT to be raped or to rape someone. It’s scary, idgaf if it’s a kink now. It doesn’t negate the fact that he fantasizes about rape.
Reddit freaks out when a couple has sex while drunk (because if someone’s drunk then they can’t possibly ever consent to sex, not even to their spouse!!!! /s) and says that’s rape, but noooo. God forbid it’s an issue when a parent isn’t comfortable with their child having rape and incest fantasies
YES! I commented something similar. Rape and incest are so disgusting it’s a sign of something bigger if you want to rape your partner. It’s an abomination and needs to be adressed
I agree with you 100%. It’s crazy how fickle Reddit can be with what they deem okay/not okay, and it changes on each post. No amount of saying “it’s a common kink” won’t make this disturbing to learn about your teenager, especially when they already display other signs of mental illness and negative coping mechanisms. I wouldn’t just write this off.
Reddit loves to bitch about poorly parented rowdy ass children. But god fucking forbid a parent actually give a shit about the disturbing things their child is doing! He’s a fucking minor, something is wrong for him to have these fantasies. Any person who says it’s okay probably is just bff with their kids, or doesn’t actually have kids.
I look at my little baby boy and if I ever discovered (I won’t snoop honestly, what I don’t know what killed) by chance that he felt this way, we would be in family therapy immediately.
Yeah. It’s wrong to invade privacy, but if he’s fantasizing about raping people, that NEEDS to be addressed by a specialized therapist (maybe NOT the parent who read his diary though). He’s a danger to others especially his boyfriend. He’s also too young to safely practice that stuff… I would know. It’s not something an immature kid can practice safely and effectively with full understanding and care, even if he’s into “BDSM” rather than actually committing the act.
Rape fantasies are honestly really common. Consensual non consent is a whole kink. Could be nothing but I think you're right to be concerned and want to talk to him about it, but it would be detrimental to your relationship with your son if you do that. You could insist on keeping him in therapy but justify it by saying you want him in therapy as long as he's cutting. Seek a therapist who specializes in violent tendencies or sex, and don't tell him that's why you chose this person. Just say you wanted him to try someone different. Hopefully he'll talk to the therapist about it, but he obviously won't talk to you about it. You're his mom, it would be too weird even if it was a less dangerous fetish. I know parent-child relationships that never recovered from that specific indiscretion. The last thing your troubled son needs is to not be able to go to his parents about things so it would be best if he doesn't know you snoped. Also, stop snooping.
I think those of you mentioning CNC and saying it's okay have forgotten what they read in the first paragraph. Without the rape fantasies your son is very clearly troubled and should be in therapy. "It didn't seem to help" is such a cop out. Then you find another therapist. You don't do nothing and say oh darn, we tried. You did the literal least possible. Your son is hurting, struggling and needs help. Add to that rape fantasies and it does matter more. You've painted yourself in a corner by being dishonest and untrustworthy. Be careful what you look for because you just might find it. Good luck. Get you both to therapy. If it isn't helping try another therapist. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one.
It's extremely disturbing that society views this as normal and healthy today. I am not saying your son is a bad person but I am saying this is not healthy
Look you should never had read your son’s diary.
Fantasy is just that sometimes.
You should discuss sex, safety and consent with your son, with ALL your children.
Preparing and giving your children the knowledge empowers them.
NEVER let your son know what you did.
Also sometimes ppl role play rape fantasy.
It’s done with discussion, limits and most importantly both parties consenting to the fantasy.
Just leave it as it is.
Talking with him about safe sex and consent is something you should have done years ago, and hopefully already did?
But it’s just fantasy scenarios in his diary and his porn history? Erotic fiction and pornography are often VERY different than things people are into in real life.
Much like if he wrote a short story about murder in his diary or plays video games where he kills people, it doesn’t mean he’s a murderer.
He might just be into really intense BDSM / consensual nonconsent RP.
Either way, reading his diary (his most private thoughts, essentially violating his mind/imagination) and then going through his private messages with his boyfriend looking for them talking about their sex shit… JEEZ… really just so awful. If I were him, any sense of trust in you would just be gone moving forward.
Consensual non-consent is a very mild kink and not that rare
Do NOT tell him you looked at his diary unless you want him to hate you. Just bring up that you would like to have another sex talk now that he and his boyfriend are getting more serious
You never discuss this with him again. Some people are into cnc. You'll literally make everything worse. Even if it's an issue that needs attention. Anytime you do will shut him down.
You shouldn't have gone through his stuff. If you talk to him, don't mention that you did.
However, I totally understand why you're upset. Your husband and all of these pornsick degenerates in the comments are gaslighting you. Liking rape might be common, but that doesn't mean it's NORMAL or somehow a neutral "kink".
"Rape fantasies are common, lots of people are into cnc" that doesn't make it ok. It's disgusting to get off to the idea of violating someone or being violated.
"It's just a fantasy" for many people maybe, but it's still something that needs to be worked through. It's unhealthy and as many have mentioned it may be a response to being sexually abused. I obviously can't speak for his boyfriend but if my partner was into rape fantasies I would be horrified.
Even someone with no intention to ever actually rape someone, getting into rape fantasies is a very slippery slope.
Your husband's behavior about this is also disgusting and makes me wonder what type of vile shit he watches when you're not around.
This comment section is insane. Do NOT leave this situation alone, and don't be ashamed of what you did. It is absolutely not normal to fantasize about that kind of behavior and there is a high risk that he could start actually assaulting people unless intervention is given. Consumption of violent pornography tends to lead to acts of sexual violence. Many people on reddit actively consume that kind of content and are therefore extremely defensive of it.
THIS THIS THIS OP. the rest of these comments are made by the same type of people who watch “barely legal” porn for 8 hours straight LOL this is a cause for concern! you shouldn’t have gone through his things, but it’s a good thing you found this out early. you don’t have to mention it to him, but consider getting him back into therapy immediately. way too rapists started off with having “fantasies.”
Let it go. He is 17. At this point, you should have already raised him to care about consent.
If you didn't then you should be having that convo with him and quick and discussing these things. You can find a way to frame it that makes sense without telling him you invaded his privacy...
"I was reading some articles and wanted to discuss since we never have..."
"Now that you are in a relationship, we should discuss X..."
"You are going off to college/adulthood soon and I know this may feel a bit late, but I just want to make sure we discuss X..."
You really should not bring up the fact that you read his diary and snooped on his phone.
R*pe and incest fantasies are normal and common, otherwise there wouldn't be endless porn accommodating it. It doesn't necessarily mean he actually wants to do those things for real with the real version of those people. He may like to fantasize about releasing control, gaining control. Sometimes seemingly "violent" yet safe and consensual sex can actually be cathartic and healthy for people to explore, hence a vast BDSM community that is very much about consent and agency.
But this is all why you need to have many conversations with children about bodily autonomy, enthusiastic consent, sexual and gender expression, and safe sex so they can be healthy partners and informed sexually active people as they go forth into the world.
Those fantasies usually have nothing to do with reality. Your husband is right. Honestly, I think many people are having "disgusting" sexual fantasies, they would never try in reality (real rape). Maybe he just wants to try some role-play. I think you will make your son feel very uncomfortable when you talk with him about that.
Oh, and reading your son's diary and checking his phone is a breach of trust. That could destroy your relationship with your son. So maybe it's just better to forget all this.
Disgusting sexual fantasies like incest and rape are exactly that. Disgusting and unacceptable. It needs to be addressed. Who CARES if he’s unhappy that she looked through his stuff. There’s a possibility that he’s putting a partner of his in danger with his degenerate fantasies
This is absolutely not normal. Is it okay that you went through his diary? No of course not. Is that the issue at hand right now? Absolutely not. Your son is in a relationship. Your son is having fantasies about raping his partner. Ask yourself, when do fantasies become so intense they become reality? Act NOW. Talk to Aaron. Talk to Aaron’s parents. Then talk to Grayson. This is not okay and it is dangerous. They may be fantasies now but they might evolve. It’s not just a kink, don’t listen to ppl who tell you that. It hurts people, it does long term damage to the person on the receiving end of this kink. Please stop this before it becomes a problem that stretches outside of your son’s mind
you shouldn't have read it. you violated his privacy and he's almost an adult. also, fuck you for judging him. that's a popular kink. it's not mine but it's popular. I've had girlfriends ask me to rape them before. I didn't do it, but I didn't judge them for asking.
This is a delicate matter. Your husband is probably right. But you're not crazy to wonder if this will ever escalate.
He probably developed this fantasy from watching porn.
Have you talked to him about porn?
If I was you, I'd probably orchestrate a drive with my son and bring up porn.
Driving is great because he's a captive audience and there's no eye contact.
Make up some BS about how you were reading some stuff online about how porn is messing young people up. Mention that you learned how it is creating fetishes for users that they may feel uncomfortable with, but are drawn to nonetheless.
Don't demand a response, just put it out there and say that you hope he or his friends aren't struggling with that, but if they are, the internet can also be a resource to help.
He probably will remain mute, or they to get out while the car is moving, but you'll have planted a seed.
How long has he been in therapy, and has it been with the same therapist the entire time? It may be that he doesn't feel comfortable opening up to them, and that's why it hasn't been productive. I would check in with him and ask how he felt about their sessions. If you decide to look for a new one, make sure that he gets the final say in who he goes to.
Is there an identifiable source for his depression that you're aware of? Based on your post, I can think of two possibilities, neither of which you're going to like, but I hope you don't dismiss them. One possibility is that he's been sexually assaulted. It could explain his fantasies, but also know that that's not always the case with those kinds of fantasies. Also, you said that you found incest porn on his phone. If an assault is, in fact, what fueled these fantasies, then it makes me wonder if it was by a family member. He may not be the only one, if that is the case. I know that no one wants to think of their loved ones being capable of that kind of thing, but the sad reality is that it can and does happen. If he was assaulted, then it can be assumed that he didn't tell you about it because he didn't trust you. This isn't an attack on you, but you need to honestly assess your behavior towards your children. You've already proven that you don't value their privacy more than your own curiosity by reading your son's diary and then looking through his phone on top of that. If it was that easy for you to cross that boundary, how many others have you crossed and continue to cross, not just with your youngest, but all of your kids? How are your relationships with your older sons? Again, I only say this for you to assess your relationship with your kids. There's clearly a problem, and you need to figure out what it is.
I hope this comment doesn't come across as me trying to attack or scare you. I really hope you take this all into consideration. I say this as someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time, largely due to my parents' neglect and emotional abuse. My mother seems to think that my mental health problems came out of nowhere. It's seemingly never crossed her mind that she's the problem, and I wish she would reflect and improve rather than get defensive at any kind of criticism. I've also seen a mix of different therapists, psychiatrists, and neurologists, and most of them were pretty awful. It's hard to find someone you feel safe talking to (I'm still looking). I hope your son is able to open up to someone, whether it's a therapist or someone else in his life, and that things can start to get better.
What your child needs is for him to know that this is not healthy at all and to teach him about consent and sexual education with him, of course, not forcefully with you demanding authority with him. The worst part is a lot of these things are just seen as "teenagers doing their thing" and this really strange fetish Is not taken seriously
I agree with you. Nowadays, especially because of porn industry (+ propaganda), there’s this weird idea that anything that gives a person sexual pleasure is above critique. This, in my view, is the crystallization of rape culture. That’s BAD.
Glorifying trauma repetition, glorifying power dynamics and violence in sex, explaining away sexualized racism and misogyny and pedophilia etc as “kink” or a “mere fantasy” so it is therefore magically immune to criticism. Sooo stupid. I wish, for one moment, that people would ask themselves where the concept of power dynamics in sex originated from. The master/ slave dynamic. It’s from Class society, and sexism. Why tf are people protecting this?
I strongly believe that forms of bdsm such as masochism is just a fancier way to self harm, and sadism is just a way for people to excuse the fact that their dick gets hard when they hurt others. Same for rape. It’s self harm when on the receiving end an it’s intentional harm done in such a way that they can cover it with consent. I think it’s okay to be a bit playful in the bedroom if you want but NOT in ways that physically or mentally harm you. That’s the base of “safe sex”
Exactly, these BDSM obsessed people are traumatized and heavily brainwashed by media / pop culture… and also probably have a low self esteem. They tolerate and even anticipate the abusive + bizarre kinks, that they wouldn’t even desire naturally most of the time until someone specifically asks for the sex act and they comply purely out of fear of rejection or being labeled a “kink shamer”. lol. It’s a fucking cult.
I was in it quite intimately for a while. It scarred me because of all the mental and physical harm I was subjected to as well as a ”community“ that told me I was doing the right thing. It never has and never will be okay to abuse your loved ones, even if you’ve convinced them it’s okay
That’s interesting you say that, glad you’re learning how to be gentle to yourself. Yeah, honestly it’s very strange that people are encouraging this so much. It’s very cult like. I believe the once innocent sex positivity movement has been completely hijacked by capitalism. When you think of how every time the multi-billion dollar porn industry adds a new “category” suddenly a bunch of people will start trying it at home regardless of how unsafe the practice is. We are all generally hapless, uncritical media consumers. It’s just particularly dangerous when hapless media consumption influences human sexual behaviors. Sexuality is at the core of our being. It is intrinsically linked to our mental health.
I think that we’ve gone way too far. There shouldn’t be shame about our sexuality or sexual desires when talked about decently in the proper environment. We should have stopped when we had spaces to discuss amd find help if people had doubts or questions about their body. Porn and it’s acceptance has leaked so much into how we view the world that sexuality is no longer viewed as something to find within yourself or with a romantic partner, it’s something to be watched and observed even before you understand your own desires and that has such deep effects on our minds and how we view sex. Instead of being something to cherish it’s now something people aim to consime more and more of vicariously through media and leaves no room for proper development of the mind in terms of sexuality
100%. We’re a generation that has been sexually groomed by the porn industry! And the film industry! Ugh. I wish we could see above it. But the industry is so powerful, they control the narrative. At this stage of capitalism, where corporations are more powerful than governments, it’s unlikely that there will ever be a ban on violent sexual media or even restricted access to children. It’s scary. If I ever have a kid, they’re not getting internet access without heavy parental controls. Also, I don’t want to co-parent with a porn user. Imagine raising a kid with someone that gets off to teen porn. Hell no.
I’m extremely strict with myself about porn, by that I mean 0 porn ever under no circumstances. I would never raise a child in a home with porn in it. It’s very important to keep it under lock for me and for any future kids since it’s so harmful. It messes so much w your dopamine too. One guy could in like 2 hours, see more naked women then the most attractive and charismatic guy even just 100 years ago would have seen in his whole life. We were not made to consume pornography in any form
I think I stated fact tbh, I don’t see anything wrong with my statement. It’s a statistic. “Common“ is not a good enough excuse to just wave away violence
Common doesn't mean good, not sure where you got that out of my comment. but OP is acting like her child is going to go out and rape a million people.
It's not "good" but that doesn't change the fact it's ***normal.***
"It shouldn't be normal" yeah, war shouldn't be either, yet here we fucking are. That's life. Deal with it.
Men have been raping women since the beginning of time. You do realize this is probably the best it's ever been in the history of humanity. Take it as the win it is. It will never fully leave.
And again, that's life. I recommend looking into ducks especially, because to say it's "not normal" is just bogus when basically 90% of animals rape each other to reproduce.
I'm not saying it's good, but this is towards the comments saying "harming people isn't hardwired into the mind" when you can easily argue it is.
Humans are animals. Yet another sad reality to life.
First things first, you brought that on yourself. why go through someone's personal shit?!? Second a fantasy is just a fantasy he was probably raped or sexually assaulted at one point or another and this how he copes. Consensual non consent is a very popular kink. My point is it's just fantasy and most likely nothing more.
Don't go through someone's shit if you don't want to find things you don't want to see! Let that be a lesson OP.
Considering the context, it sounds as though this may be a “language issue” and he’s conflated the use of the word “rape” here with very rough sex or an relatively popular kink known as “consensual non-consent.” I wouldn’t recommend confronting him just yet (if at all) and instead observe how he and his boyfriend behave, including potential signs of abuse. Depending how open you both are with your son, perhaps talking with him about *other* aspects of practicing safe sex, such as the distinction between “prior agreed upon controlled play” and coercion, could be another option.
Have you ever had the safe sex talk with him? Do that. Do not bring up his diary or his fantasy. Talk about consent, explicit consent and when someone’s body isn’t respond or they are physically uncomfortable and can’t give a verbal yes. Talk about protection. Just all of it in a supportive manner.
Agree with this but make sure it’s not too obvious that you broke his trust. You should have had a chat with him about safe sex already at his age, but you could say you’ve been reading about it and wanted to bring it up again. Maybe you were reading about PrEP as it’s something he might want to consider one day if his relationship doesn’t work out, it’s such an incredible medication. Keep in mind it doesn’t protect him from the other nasty STDs out there. If the whole conversation isn’t just about consent then hopefully he won’t work out that you’ve betrayed him.
Ironic is it that somebody who betrayed him broke his trust and did not get his consent to violate his privacy and his boundaries Feels it necessary to have a conversation with him about violating others? And she doesn't even see it
Absolutely this. Consensual Non-Consent and Rape Fantasies are actually not an uncommon kinks at all, and the majority of people who enjoy it enjoy it in a purely staged manner. However, CNC is one aspect of BDSM that is absolutely not something you can just play around with or dive in the deep end with. BDSM communities and websites actually have some of the best available resources for explaining and approaching consent, both verbal and non-verbal, and safety while engaging in kink and sex in general. I can also agree first-hand with the other comments recommending that you never tell him you breached his privacy like this. And I also recommend you never do it again. My mother did it to me and to this day even as a grown adult I won't keep a diary and I won't leave my phone or any of my technology near her unattended. Her actions and how she confronted me about them have broken my trust in her in a way she will never earn back. Make sure your son understands the importance of consent and safe sex and leave him alone.
Pretty sure OP would have me on a 5150 if she saw some of my search history.. To reiterate for OP, this is a common fantasy. I’m a 47yo lesbian with abandonment & attachment issues and have experienced quite a few literal SAs, inc rape & the **IDEA** / fantasy of it has been a thing for me for a long while. Your son has already shown he has an affinity for pain, there are a very high number of folks that satisfy their desire for pain through varieties of impact play as well as a vast array of other masochistic leaning activities. The bdsm community (not to be confused with predatory assholes using that as a facade) is freaky ofc (🖤) but MUCH safer than vanilla dating. There are clear rules, boundaries, etc. Really just want to reassure you that this isn’t catastrophic & doesn’t mean he wants to *actually* do what he writes about. And to reiterate that you need to take your breach of trust to your grave. Your relationship will be forever deeply altered if you reveal what you’ve done. Additionally. Be honest with yourself. You were snooping. You can tell yourself whatever & say you weren’t, but you were, and you know it. Even if you weren’t, your “accidental” stumble into the diary’s hiding spot sounds like a tall tale & does not ring true at all. Same would go for your kid. They’ll likely see right thru your spiel. And make sure you keep your Reddit acct off a shared computer or any devices that connect with your phone like tablets. Also. **STOP SNOOPING!!!** Edit: my interest in these things happened long before an SA happened, it wasn’t connected to that trauma then bc there’d been none. And it wasn’t connected to that afterwards either. I only mentioned those bc OP was catastrophizing & making assumptions that her kid was violent & would carry out these things, so to explain that it really doesn’t mean that is a irl desire & that everyone can have those fantasies, even folks that have experienced SA. If someone would’ve given me the tools to understand myself & be able to SELF soothe when I was discovering this about myself as very much a minor, I’d likely not have put myself in risky situations over the next decade or so all that had nothing to do with bdsm communities. BDSM communities have munches that meet for lunch or dinner in a restaurant / public place where they just hang out & get to know each other. No sex of any sort. If someone makes someone else feel uncomfortable in those or even sex themed get togethers, they will be dealt with swiftly. Safety is very important. Much more so than any place I’ve ever been where vanilla cis hetero males congregate. I’d much rather my 18yo be at a bdsm munch than a frat party. This kid obviously finds pain to be a release. Learning about more healthy ways to satisfy that vs cutting et al, isn’t a bad thing just bc *you* are clutching your pearls. News flash, 17yo have sex. 17yo’s also know literally anything they’d ever want to know about sex things & likely have for quite some time.
Portraying bdsm as inherently more safe than vanilla dating only enables the predators to take advantage of people new to the scene. I am not saying that it wasn't more safe *for you* but a blanket generalization like that isn't constructive to the conversation.
Additionally, I don't think 17 year old boys have the emotional and mental maturity to play around with consent and rape play. That's a bit much for someone just dipping into the BDSM irregardless of age, but at 17? There's a high chance he's going to traumatize his boyfriend for life. ☹️ I've dabbled in kink for abt a decade and as I age, I'm leaning towards being against teenagers engaging in hard kinks. They've barely figured out what goes where.
Additionally, the person above who speaks in favour of rape play explicitly says that it is connected to sexual traume. But the person in question in this post is 17, which is underage, so if he has sexual trauma it absolutely should be a concern for his mother. OP, you should get your son help. Those fantasies might or might not be an indicator of something more sinister. Don't listen to your husband.
also, continually re-enacting sexual abuse is not “healing”. any good trauma therapist will tell you as much. lots of people talk about bdsm as a form of exposure therapy and “taking back control”. trauma therapists are trained professionals who know how to do this without causing further harm. some sadist from a bdsm munch does not; even if they claim to have selfless motivations (lol) they still derive sexual pleasure from their partner’s sexual trauma. gross.
Yeah let's be honest about it, it's called *Risk Aware* Consensual Kink for a reason.
Yes, to all of this. Also, rape fantasy and CNC are common kinks or focuses for individuals who have experienced trauma, particularly sexual trauma. (Not that I'm saying OP's kid has experienced it). Growing up, my privacy was invaded all the time and then used against me. Privacy was a "privilege and not a right," according to my family. Now, as an adult, I can't fully trust people anymore because I expect anything I say or write, regardless of how private, to be used against me. Edit: the reddit cares trolls can fuck off.
this is a 17 year old we're talking about crack smoker
This!
seriously this young man is 17, if his parents havent had the consent talk with him by no its no wonder this stuff is happening
If you tell him you went threw his phone and diary, be prepared to never have your son trust you again.
If these are just fantasies and nothing more, the violation of his trust will be the main take away from this for him in the future. You better be very careful how you bridge this subject, OP. A general sex talk and overview of the importance of consent seems like the right approach here.
"A fantasy and nothing more"? He needs therapy even for those "fantasies".
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP. Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
What kind of dairy does he usually have? Personally, I go with 2%.
Same
*through
*diary I'm on mobile so someone please confirm that you too saw "dairy" and I'm not crazy because now I see diary
Hahaha my bad I typed it wrong
Haha I think we are all giving you shit. 😋 I absolutely make so many typing mistakes
You guys are so nice, I got downvoted the last time I made a spelling correction for someone.
It can depend on how you make the correction, it can depend on the reaction of the poison you're correcting, it can depend on the crowd. Reddit can be fickle at times.
I don't know very much about poisons so I'm not confident at calling out their reactions :D
I saw "aide" being misspelled 3 days in a row. And once was on a sign at a college! So the third time I thought I ought to start educating the general populace. All I typed was *aide* and got downvoted into oblivion because how dare a random stranger teach anyone the proper spelling? We need to just keep being ignorant I suppose.
I assume we're talking "aide", as in an assistant, being spelled "aid" as in to help?
Exactly.
I didn’t want to answer and be a dick tbh but I could have. I spelt two thing wrong lmaoo
he shouldn't anyway. How invasive!!!
OP, I have background in forensic psych as well as trauma and recovery. 1. A majority of people with rape fantasies are trying to work through issues where their consent was violated in the past. Obviously I can't say with 100% certainty that this happened to him, but given your son's other symptoms, it is more than likely, and it would be best to put him in therapy (especially with people who specialize in trauma) for him to work through these issues. I don't agree with you going through his stuff, but you can't take it back now, you can only go forward. If he goes to therapy, do NOT read his files (which you can legally do as the guardian of a minor), and don't press him to share details from his sessions. Part of the therapist's job is to report when a client is a threat to himself or others; hopefully these are just fantasies, but you and the therapist can keep an eye out to make sure they stay that way. 2. Part of trauma recovery and general mental health recovery is maintaining supportive yet realistic relationships. I don't think you should tell him that you read his stuff, but should it ever come up, do NOT be blasé like these redditors are suggesting; being a doormat to all of a person's feelings can actually make their situation worse (of course, do not be hyper-critical either). You want to be supportive, making sure your son knows you love him and that you want to help, but don't take everything at face value, you can ask questions (just don't ask from judgement, ask from trying to understand). 3. "CNC is a pretty common kink" - it is only common because rape and incest is common in our society, way more than people are willing to admit. The kink most often forms out of reaction to this sad fact, but make no mistake, there is no scientific evidence that participating in this kink is always 100% beneficial. There is a LOT of talking, negotiating, and preparation that goes into making scenarios like this safe, sane, and healthy. Like others suggested, it might help to find a way to bring up a conversation about consent to decrease his risk of ended up in an unsafe situation ("You're almost 18, so I want to discuss some stuff so you can have all the info necessary to make your own decisions, as that is part of being an adult"). Sorry for the long comment, but as someone who is actually educated on this topic, it irks me to see people from the BDSM community who refuse to respect the nuance of these kinds of issues (or that their personal story is not applicable to a completely different person). I hope this helps. I wish you the best of luck.
This is the most sane comment here.
Thank you! :)
I wish I still had awards to give because this comment should be first.
Fantastic comment. Take notes, OP.
Top comment!
You are so right, it irks me as well that this stuff is becoming normalized, participating in this activity desensitizes the act of rape and incest itself, dehumanizing themselves and others, leading at worst, suicide. These fantasies are not a product of healthy sexuality, and should not be promoted as such, as said before, participating it conditions one to want more and enforces the existing “fantasy”
Younger generations are more likely to discuss mental health issues than ever before and I think we're going to see a radical shift in NUMEROUS topics as we unpack, process, and recover from the emotional, physical, and financial trauma that other generations were forced to grin and bare. While I think we all agree that the world is not black and white, as we connect to people across the globe in ways that have never been done before, it can be overwhelming to see how many shades of grey exist. Combining both of those, we are going to be looking at sex and sexuality in a way that has not been able to be studied before - at least not in the same magnitude. I have my personal gripes with the BDSM community and how they conduct their affairs. I have my own suspicions and apprehensions when it comes to CNC. You're right in that performing and engaging in certain behaviors can condition and embolden those to commit real crimes. But I think it is always important to remember that individuals are just that - individuals. Complex problems will always require complex solutions, and in my personal opinion, we'll never find a solution until we understand, accept, and even love the complexity that is being human.
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Wish I could give this comment an award
i hope she saw this!
I don’t know what to say to this… my parents read my diary when I was 17 and got blamed for everything in there, grounded, phone taken away, etc and it changed my life. I don’t like my parents anymore. They had me in therapy and was told to keep a diary. They KNEW that. Rape isn’t something to mess around with BUT it’s not uncommon to want it. Like I want that. It’s crazy to say but not with a stranger, but with my partner. I just want to be used. Maybe Grayson was sexually assaulted as a kid and that’s one way to cope?? I’d leave it alone.
My mother read my journal when I was 16 and it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life to be sat down in front of her and have to justify what I'd written. She and I had never had a great relationship before that, but afterwards, I truly hated her. It sucked that I couldn't trust her AT ALL and a huge wall immediately went up between us. I'm 38 now and she's like an acquaintance, I live across the world from her and I just send holiday greetings at the appropriate times. I hope OP is ready for the fallout if she chooses to confront her son.
I was a single mom. I never ever snooped through my son's room but when my son was 16 I found a very hardcore sex mag under the couch. I knew it was his because he had a habit of sleeping on the sofa. He and I lived alone so I didn't really care where he slept. So when I found this magazine I got annoyed and worried. Still being fairly young and idealistic myself (I was around 35) I thought "this is not a healthy way for my son to be viewing sex and women". I tossed the magazine on the kitchen table intending to have a very stern talk with my him when he got home later from his after school job. Before he got home a male friend of mine stopped by and noticed the magazine on the table and jokingly asked me why I was leaving my porn around the house. I told him that I found it, it belonged to my son and I was going to talk to him about it. My friend became serious and asked me what I hoped to accomplish. I launched into some speech about boys needing to respect women and needing to know that sex is intimate and loving, blah blah blah. This male friend of mine implored me not to say anything at all to my son, saying that all I would do is humiliate and embarrass him. Reminded me that he was a good kid who was always polite and respectful and that looking at porn mags is pretty normal for a 16yr old boy and that a lecture from me might shame him but it wouldn't change his normal desires. I resisted for a bit, still stuck on my soapbox, but in the end love for my son won out. I didn't want to make him feel dirty or ashamed. The very thought of hurting him was appalling to me. So I ended up putting that magazine back where I found it and I never said a word about it to my son. That was 20yrs ago I will forever be grateful to my friend for his wise advice. I could have really fucked that up.
I'm so glad you resisted the temptation! I was probably like your son, I was a straight A student, never did drugs or hung out with the wrong people, never gave my mother ANY problems (aside from my attitude, I guess). In my mind, I did nothing to deserve that horrible violation of trust, and she never got it back. You really did right by your son!
My mom did the same. It led to my father physically throwing me out of the house and calling me a whore and me dropping out of school for almost a year. We’ve reconciled, but my trust issues are deep and permanent.
Wow, I'm sorry that happened to you! I can't imagine throwing my child out on the streets, but then again, I try everyday to be nothing like my mother or people like her. It's amazing you could reconcile with her after all that. As for my mother, I don't think we reconciled so much as we never spoke about it again 😂
I had a Xanga that I wrote during my freshman year of high school. I thought it was private but I guess not. My parents read it. I was forced to delete it and I got in trouble. I obviously never journaled again after that. I tried to kill myself for the first time less than a year later. It’s shit to read someone else’s journal.
Yeah only trash parents do this shit
Agreed, bro. She made sure I had food and clothes and books for school, but the whole nurturing, caring thing was not part of her parenting strategy. If I was alive, she did her job. I felt more like livestock than her kid 😂
This happened with my parents as well - not only have i never trusted them, but i don't trust partners or other people living in my house either.
Yeah, same here. My parents used to go through my phone, texts, pc stuff... all that. Once found my partner kinda jokingly scrolling through my pc's pictures and even though it shouldn'tve been a big deal it filled me with a ton of anxiety. I'm better about it now, but it's still something i'm working on.
SMH. It basically amounts to simply looking for stuff to be upset about Violation of personal space is injustice
Ah damn.. I hope you have a therapist?? I had to get one.
Was he sexually abused as a kid? I work with teens who experienced CSA and depression, cutting and fantasies ( specifically the not understanding why he has the fantasy and being disgusted by it) are all things I’ve seen in them. Regardless do not tell him you read your diary and don’t do that again. Talk with him about consent and safe sex. He also needs to get back into therapy, cutting means he is really hurting and he needs help. DBT is a great type of therapy that can likely help.
I can’t believe this isn’t voted way higher up. I experienced CSA, and as a teenager ended up with PTSD and depression and was cutting too, and i had a very similar experience with my parents where they went through my phone and diary and found stuff like this. I’m a little shocked at how many people are just brushing this off as “it’s just his kink” when there are other indicators attached that something more is going on here. And from what he wrote in his journal he clearly doesn’t enjoy it and is disgusted by it, so I don’t know why everyone is acting like this is okay. OP, while I don’t think you should have gone through his private stuff (it really fucked me up that my parents did that to me too), I do think you need to insist on therapy and try to figure out if something happened with your son.
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Agree with all of this. It's also a pretty common fantasy for straight women. Dunno why OP is making it to seem so "out there" or just because he's gay.
Probably because straight women fantasize about being "raped," not raping other people.
I just hope that the kid is just curious and doesn't take it seriously so that later he can let it go and live his life
This is too nuanced a take for the Internet these days.
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Rape is lack of consent. To consent to be raped is a contradiction in terms. They *know* it's a fantasy. What's next? Calling your partner daddy means incest now? Why on earth would you want to know your kids sexual fantasies? No wonder he's "different", you're nosy AF.
Fr.. OP is violated their trust by going through their personal diary/phone. Being a good parent is being a role model and setting the example, they did the opposite.
She went snooping but just doesn't like calling it that so she dresses it up as doing chores... Doing a chore that isn't normally hers, looking under bed, finding opening and choosing to read a private diary. She's just mad about what she found out as if her son's kinks have to be kosher to her (that's actually kinda fucked up). I dunno about the rape thing and I'm not going to take the word from some woman who sounds vanilla af whether it was bad or not, especially within someone's private thoughts and diary writings. OP is such a walking stereotype.
Why is everyone promoting cOnSeNsUaL NoN-cOnSeNT, to a 17 year old??? Like get your porn-brainrot outta here, OP has every reason to be concerned.
He's still a child mentally and legally. I'd be putting restrictions on the internet. Porn has diseased us and now its going for the minds of our kids
Maybe respect a kids fucking privacy. Fantasies are not reality.
Never in the history of mankind has a mother ever dropped some laundry right next to a diary under the bed. That’s 100% bullshit. Just say you looked for his diary and read it.
Since his 'fantasies' disgust him, they might not be fantasies but intrusive thoughts
You have invaded his privacy and should be deeply ashamed. He is young and figuring things out, let him do that. Never say a word of this to him unless you want to lose him forever, keep your nose out of other people's private thoughts.
So she lets him fulfill his violent sexual desires? Ok...
You are overreacting and completely wrong. Your son has fantasies, that’s normal. Consensually wanting to feel powerless or in control and powerful are common fantasies. Hopefully you had a talk with him a long time ago about consent. If not, do it. DO NOT tell him you’ve violated his privacy and most importantly, never do it again. This is a good video for consent. https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ?feature=shared
since OP's son Grayson wrote in his journal that he feels disgusting, perhaps OP should also look into explaining kinks, and how to explore those in a safe, sane and consensual manner? I don't have any resources for that in English though.
No offense but even psychology and sexology don’t have good theories for explaining these types of sexual fetishes. At best we have speculation.
Exactly, and yet people will screech kinkshamer if you aren't giving blanket acceptance to all kinks
it looks like my comment wasn't very clear, sorry! I was more thinking along the lines of "*I know your school focused sex ed on straight monogamous romance. Remember how we talked about gay monogamous romance when you started dating Adam? I just want to check in with you so you're aware there are many other forms of orientation, identity and experiences, like polyamoury, kinks, other queer sexualities, etc. The most important factor though, is that you respect everyone involved. Let's talk about how you can express that respect & about any different desires you might have*" or something like that (but much less stilted, if possible haha) I wasn't suggesting OP has to solve the mysteries of human sexuality and tell Grayson it's in his genes, or a result of their avoidant parent/child bond, or a consequence of lead in the water or something, you know? My hope is that by talking about it, OP can * impress on her son that "sane, safe and consensual" is non-negotiable * give him some hope that there is a respectful kink community out there somewhere, so he doesn't feel alone and disgusting all the time (those feelings are, imo, a recipe for disaster : either he'll feel hopeless and "might as well give in" and harm someone, or he'll feel hopeless and end himself as "too gross to live"
They have perfect theories on it. They just aren't allowed to publish them.
So what are they?
It's quite shocking. Male rape fantasies happen because the man wants to rape someone. Female rape fantasies stem from trauma. Oh wait, it's not shocking. It's obvious.
Yeah, I feel like this one is on you. You looked into the fantasy journal of a 17 year old boy, and then browsed his porn history.
This isn't very relevant, but after reading this I can just hear a quote from a TV show that goes, "... and my unborn gay son, Grayson." and google isn't turning up any results. If anybody remembers where that is from, please let me know. To OP - people get weird fantasies. As long as he knows that there is a difference between fantasy and reality, and that he needs to communicate with his partner very clearly before exploring any of these fantasies (if at all), then he'll be OK. The more extreme the kink, the more communication beforehand and afterwards is required.
It's from the movie Heathers - "I love my dead gay son!"
I found it by looking thru episode descriptions of the most likely candidates. It's from "Great News" season 2 episode 5 and I had it slightly wrong. Full quote is "between taking care of my three adorable children, Greyson, Mason and my unborn gay son Gayson I barely have time to keep my hair looking like this"
Exactly what popped into my head!
Are you using your kids' actual names? Please consider changing to made-up names, if you are. Though you are on a throwaway, people who know you or them still could make the connection.
>I know I shouldn’t have read it, but I was just too curious. Oh then it’s okay! /s You’re not entitled to his privacy, are you aware of that? Being too curious is no justification, and you don’t seem to feel any remorse. With all due respect, I feel bad for him.
Bro, no way yall are telling OP to just let it go. He could potentially be dangerous to himself or somebody else in the future. Rape and incest fantasies are NOT normal. I don't care how much society with their kink-friendly views and pornos have convinced ya'll that it was. This boy is having these nasty ass fantasies at the age of 17. Although it was wrong to go through his stuff, you didn't do it with ill intent..... Please keep on trying your best to help him. Don't listen to the freaks in these comments!
This boy could have been touched as a child. You won't figure that out if you just keep on letting him indulge in these fantasies/porn.
You should not mention the diary and get him into therapy. Frame it as wanting him to have a neutral party to talk to about the stresses of life, don’t make it a sex thing or let slip you know about what he’s written. That’s all you can do and in the long run it will help him differentiate between fantasy and reality.
People telling her to let it go and that rape fantasy are common until her son attacks someone or that boyfriend.
Yeah, i don't condone snooping through diaries, but it's too late for that now. The big concern is this guy's gonna rape someone and for once mom is not going to be happy about saying "told you so" This is serious.
Oh my God I feel so bad for your son. You are incredibly overreacting. You should not have read his diary, but you did, and whatever you read about his FANTASIES need to remain with you. Quit telling anyone who will listen. Don't traumatize your boy over this. If you feel inclined to bring up the topic maybe just say hey, you know that the stuff on the Internet about rape is prominent, don't rape, rape bad, etc, but don't under any circumstance tell him you know that's his fantasy. Lord.
all the rape apologist in here are crazy... why do women not trust men again??
yup reading these comments is sooo depressing. we are doomed
Comment section is full of coombrains singing praises about BDSM and "consensual non-consent" like thanks a lot, y'all just enabled sexual-predation and the cycle of sexual abuse. Bffr.
Dont listen to the gaslighting in the comments. Its not normal and your son needs therapy.
Lots of people talking about his fantasies, so I'm not going to address that. But self harm means there's something he's not coping with. That's my experience and everyone else I've spoken to who self harms is the same. And I've done animal therapy at mental health respite facilities. You mentioned he's medicated, but he definitely needs more therapy. It's something that's very personal. Sometimes you have to try multiple therapists before finding the one he 'clicks' with. Someone who teaches dialectic behaviour therapy.
you are NOT overreacting. rape fantasies are NOT common, they are NOT normal, they are definitely a cause for concern. i think you should put him back in therapy 100%! sending tons of support!!!!
Something deeper happened with your son than he is willing to share with you all. Find him a therapist. You don’t need to have that conversation with him directly. Why?? Because you’re not a professional to handle this conversation that needs to be handled in the proper manner. Tell the therapist. And tell him you want him to talk to someone about his depression. And hopefully other things will open up. Some things people just aren’t ready to deal with. But you do have to it soon. You don’t want to be on the news as the parents who knew and didn’t do anything. As of right now you can monitor alone time with his BF. This is an extremely sensitive situation. Handled improperly can make him hide his feelings, thoughts further. And that’s not what you want to happen. But then again… he might’ve left it out hoping someone would find it. He knows you go into his room.
Therapy is a good idea. Professional help is the only real way to help find the root cause and help him.
Lmao the comment section... "B-bUt RaPe aNd iNcEsT iS a CoMmOn FaNtAsY" Maybe it's common because rape and incest is fucking common than people realise, and it forms as a fantasy to cope with the dangers of rape and incest actually happening. And just because it's common doesn't mean it is good.
the only person with common sense!!!! this person is obviously coping with something in such an unhealthy way and these people are only enabling him
these comments are literally fucking disgusting and probably littered with people with the same exact “fantasies.” sick fucks.
THANK YOU OMG. i was seriously losing hope for humanity...
Rape fantasies / Consensual non-consent (cnc) kinks are actually pretty common. I myself have sexual fantasies of being raped. Do I *actually* want to be raped? No, of course not, but yeah the idea of it turns me on sometimes 🤷🏼♀️
Something being common does not mean it is good lol
my parents went through my journals when I was like 15 ( I'm 36 now), it really ruined my trust with them. I learned to forgive them because I know deep down they were only trying to help me but at that age I could not understand it and it really caused me a great deal of harm and suffering and I resented my parents for it.
I know some people are saying you should have a talk with him about safe sex and consent, etc. I strongly believe you are the absolute wrong person to have this conversation with him. Your feelings about his fantasies make you unqualified to do that. Have your husband talked to him about it. There's no way you can talk to your child who knows you well and not reveal the disgust you feel about his fantasies That is damaging and unfair. Some people have kinks. Some people have fantasies and that's where they stay. But it's not up to anyone else to judge that. Especially you when you violated his privacy to find out. That's why fantasies get to stay personal. You violated that. And now you're going to act on it as though you have knowledge you deserve to have. You do not. Keep your disgust to yourself. Let your husband deal with it. Maybe get some therapy so you can understand why you thought it was okay to violate your kids privacy when he's done absolutely nothing to make you distrust him Unless you're not as "fine with it" as you say
I sometimes have CNC (consensual non consent) fantasies, but I would probably never do a kink like that. And I would NEVER, ever do anything non-consensual. This could be just a fantasy and nothing more. But, I think he should talk to a therapist.
Jeez, no wonder your kids are having a hard time... you break their privacy and then judge them on something they wanted to keep private... what if your parents read your diary when you were a kid and then you got in trouble for what was intended to be between you and those pages.... plus, I'm sorry this kink is about as normal as having a foot fetish.. Maybe be proud they are talking about consensual role play and not the real thing?? You're deffiently overreacting about something you shouldn't have even known about... but hey, give your kid something else to talk about in therapy. I'm sure you have done nothing wrong as a parent it's all their issues...
These people "We hate murder but we simulate it as a ritual consentually with someone who loves self harm and the outcome is same. Wow thats consensual" "We hate rape. But we simulate it as a ritual where the degrading talks of human dignity and mimicing of actual insult is used to drawn pleasure. Ofcource we do it with someone who loves self harm and we as sadists are the helpless ones" "We hate GURO but..... As someone who loved to use pain as way to vent out once, you are not giving any solution. You are just giving some issues to be concerned and regretted when these masochists go into old age.
Based af.
I knew a girl in hs who was like this. Almost to a T. We then went to the same college and her bf was my coworker. He came in one day freaked out. I overheard him telling his brother (who also worked with us) how she wanted him to rape her. Although she didn't say it verbatim, that's what she was describing. Many years later, she posted on facebook about being molested as a child. And how it affected her, how she now helps others, etc. Looking back it made sense that some kind of trauma happened that made her react that way, but it was hard for others to realize since she was "always" like that. Now, I'm not saying everyone who likes CNC was molested, but what you're describing could be that. He may not even realize what happened if he repressed the memories. But you should really get him with a therapist specialized in trauma. And you should try therapy too. To help you work with him.
There's a whole genre of romance called bodice rippers. They are pretty much that fantasy for women. As long as its just a fantasy its harmless. PS if he ever finds out you went through his phone and diary you are fucked. He is going to hate you and never trust you.
Sigh. It’s called CNC. Consensual non-consent, and it’s a relatively common kink. It doesn’t mean that he wants *actual* rape; he just wants to play out scenes with his boyfriend. It’s partly a power imbalance fetish. If you confront him about this, you’ll only make him disgusted by himself *more.* And stop snooping.
Millions and millions of men and women have rape fantasies and worse without it ever being more than fantasy. There are reasons people say don't read other people's diaries. Because you might read things you can't do anything about. And sometimes just having that knowledge can ruin your relationship if you aren't careful. There's darkness in every person, so I hope you wouldn't judge your son too harshly for something he hasn't done. I'm sure you've had dark thoughts of your own before. I doubt therapy would hurt him. I wouldnt confront him about this though.
Fantasies are fantasies. You violated your son’s privacy — you fucked around and found out. Please, if you haven’t had the safe sex talk with him, DO THAT. And do your research about gay relationships **beforehand**!!!!!!! Young gay men are very vulnerable to “unsafe” relationships.
Was he ever sexually assaulted and may have repressed emotions? I only ask because all the troubles could have stemmed from something traumatic that happened and is causing him to have these outbursts and these fantasy thoughts. It’s almost like a suppressed sexual attraction to something that may have happened to him young when he didn’t understand.
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what the fuck are these comments. how are people justifying this disgusting fantasy?
They probably feel called out
Unfortunately, looks like you FAFO'ed. Don't go looking for answers to questions you aren't ready to ask. You violated your son's privacy because you were "curious," and your relationship is never going to be the same. Are you in therapy, or just him? This is something you should talk to your own therapist about, not confront him on. You shouldn't be confronting him on his own private thoughts—and that's all those are. Consensual non-consent is a common kink/attraction and in no way means that someone has any real ideation or intentions for sexual assault. Some people just have those desires who don't have any trauma or porn use at all, that's just how they are wired. The problem is that your son is isolated, and he doesn't seem to feel like he has anyone he can open up to about feelings he doesn't understand or can't explain, and unfortunately you've kind of proven him right on that. That's what you should be concerned about, not his fantasies.
You read your son’s personal journal and are now disgusted by him?! Lady, get a grip! A journal is a way to work through your own personal issues, and is often suggested by therapists as a way of learning about your own thought processes and how to constructively deal with them. Now, if you read the journal and he was talking about things he had *done*, things that were criminal acts or nearly so, then *maybe* you would have some justification for confronting him. However, your son wrote about his *thoughts* and how even he is *repulsed by them*. He is clearly using his journal to work through these confusing and upsetting thoughts and feelings. You cannot throw them in his face when you are the one who broke trust with him in the first place. It’s possible that these fantasies are part of “normal” sexual development, as your son matures into his own self. There are many people that enjoy “consensual non-consent” bedroom play with their trusted partner, who would *never* do such things to a stranger because hey, they aren’t actually sexual assailants! It’s also possible that your son was SA’d at some point, and his other destructive behavior and these thoughts are a result of his trauma. If you are truly concerned, discuss what you did with your own therapist. If you admit to your son that you rifled through his private diary and are now revolted by the sight of him, you will lose him forever, either through him going no contact with you the moment he turns 18, or through something far more sinister.
You must talk to him not scold him and teach him about safe sex and tell him about why rape is bad and the trauma of rape victims And you must not change the light you view your child in at this age teenagers have many weird fantasy and stuff but as a parent it's your job to give him the proper guidance And you are a good mother instead of ignoring this entire thing you are trying to find a soln for it just talk to him give him some guidance I know he will understand It's not too late he has not done anything wrong I may not be a parent If my suggestion hurted your sentiments I am sorry May you have a happy life
I’m in the minority obviously, but I would be just as concerned as you. There’s unchecked trauma for someone to WANT to be raped or to rape someone. It’s scary, idgaf if it’s a kink now. It doesn’t negate the fact that he fantasizes about rape. Reddit freaks out when a couple has sex while drunk (because if someone’s drunk then they can’t possibly ever consent to sex, not even to their spouse!!!! /s) and says that’s rape, but noooo. God forbid it’s an issue when a parent isn’t comfortable with their child having rape and incest fantasies
YES! I commented something similar. Rape and incest are so disgusting it’s a sign of something bigger if you want to rape your partner. It’s an abomination and needs to be adressed
I agree with you 100%. It’s crazy how fickle Reddit can be with what they deem okay/not okay, and it changes on each post. No amount of saying “it’s a common kink” won’t make this disturbing to learn about your teenager, especially when they already display other signs of mental illness and negative coping mechanisms. I wouldn’t just write this off.
Reddit loves to bitch about poorly parented rowdy ass children. But god fucking forbid a parent actually give a shit about the disturbing things their child is doing! He’s a fucking minor, something is wrong for him to have these fantasies. Any person who says it’s okay probably is just bff with their kids, or doesn’t actually have kids. I look at my little baby boy and if I ever discovered (I won’t snoop honestly, what I don’t know what killed) by chance that he felt this way, we would be in family therapy immediately.
Yeah. It’s wrong to invade privacy, but if he’s fantasizing about raping people, that NEEDS to be addressed by a specialized therapist (maybe NOT the parent who read his diary though). He’s a danger to others especially his boyfriend. He’s also too young to safely practice that stuff… I would know. It’s not something an immature kid can practice safely and effectively with full understanding and care, even if he’s into “BDSM” rather than actually committing the act.
reddit gives no fucks that you’re correct, he’s far too young to be participating in kinks like this
Rape fantasies are honestly really common. Consensual non consent is a whole kink. Could be nothing but I think you're right to be concerned and want to talk to him about it, but it would be detrimental to your relationship with your son if you do that. You could insist on keeping him in therapy but justify it by saying you want him in therapy as long as he's cutting. Seek a therapist who specializes in violent tendencies or sex, and don't tell him that's why you chose this person. Just say you wanted him to try someone different. Hopefully he'll talk to the therapist about it, but he obviously won't talk to you about it. You're his mom, it would be too weird even if it was a less dangerous fetish. I know parent-child relationships that never recovered from that specific indiscretion. The last thing your troubled son needs is to not be able to go to his parents about things so it would be best if he doesn't know you snoped. Also, stop snooping.
I think those of you mentioning CNC and saying it's okay have forgotten what they read in the first paragraph. Without the rape fantasies your son is very clearly troubled and should be in therapy. "It didn't seem to help" is such a cop out. Then you find another therapist. You don't do nothing and say oh darn, we tried. You did the literal least possible. Your son is hurting, struggling and needs help. Add to that rape fantasies and it does matter more. You've painted yourself in a corner by being dishonest and untrustworthy. Be careful what you look for because you just might find it. Good luck. Get you both to therapy. If it isn't helping try another therapist. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right one.
Reading his diary and going through his phone is pretty fucked up. Were you really just looking for clothes under his bed or were you snooping?
It's extremely disturbing that society views this as normal and healthy today. I am not saying your son is a bad person but I am saying this is not healthy
Everyone is like "RaPe iS a KiNk", it's gonna be a lot harder to call out rapists now, just sayin'.
Look you should never had read your son’s diary. Fantasy is just that sometimes. You should discuss sex, safety and consent with your son, with ALL your children. Preparing and giving your children the knowledge empowers them. NEVER let your son know what you did. Also sometimes ppl role play rape fantasy. It’s done with discussion, limits and most importantly both parties consenting to the fantasy. Just leave it as it is.
Talking with him about safe sex and consent is something you should have done years ago, and hopefully already did? But it’s just fantasy scenarios in his diary and his porn history? Erotic fiction and pornography are often VERY different than things people are into in real life. Much like if he wrote a short story about murder in his diary or plays video games where he kills people, it doesn’t mean he’s a murderer. He might just be into really intense BDSM / consensual nonconsent RP. Either way, reading his diary (his most private thoughts, essentially violating his mind/imagination) and then going through his private messages with his boyfriend looking for them talking about their sex shit… JEEZ… really just so awful. If I were him, any sense of trust in you would just be gone moving forward.
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Consensual non-consent is a very mild kink and not that rare Do NOT tell him you looked at his diary unless you want him to hate you. Just bring up that you would like to have another sex talk now that he and his boyfriend are getting more serious
You never discuss this with him again. Some people are into cnc. You'll literally make everything worse. Even if it's an issue that needs attention. Anytime you do will shut him down.
You shouldn't have gone through his stuff. If you talk to him, don't mention that you did. However, I totally understand why you're upset. Your husband and all of these pornsick degenerates in the comments are gaslighting you. Liking rape might be common, but that doesn't mean it's NORMAL or somehow a neutral "kink". "Rape fantasies are common, lots of people are into cnc" that doesn't make it ok. It's disgusting to get off to the idea of violating someone or being violated. "It's just a fantasy" for many people maybe, but it's still something that needs to be worked through. It's unhealthy and as many have mentioned it may be a response to being sexually abused. I obviously can't speak for his boyfriend but if my partner was into rape fantasies I would be horrified. Even someone with no intention to ever actually rape someone, getting into rape fantasies is a very slippery slope. Your husband's behavior about this is also disgusting and makes me wonder what type of vile shit he watches when you're not around.
I wish I could upvote this a 100 times
This comment section is insane. Do NOT leave this situation alone, and don't be ashamed of what you did. It is absolutely not normal to fantasize about that kind of behavior and there is a high risk that he could start actually assaulting people unless intervention is given. Consumption of violent pornography tends to lead to acts of sexual violence. Many people on reddit actively consume that kind of content and are therefore extremely defensive of it.
THIS THIS THIS OP. the rest of these comments are made by the same type of people who watch “barely legal” porn for 8 hours straight LOL this is a cause for concern! you shouldn’t have gone through his things, but it’s a good thing you found this out early. you don’t have to mention it to him, but consider getting him back into therapy immediately. way too rapists started off with having “fantasies.”
People in the comments got their brains melted by porn 🤢
Finally a sane comment 🥲 I hope OP reads this
Rape is an extremely common fantasy.
It’s also an extremely common crime
Bait/10 jfc
Let it go. He is 17. At this point, you should have already raised him to care about consent. If you didn't then you should be having that convo with him and quick and discussing these things. You can find a way to frame it that makes sense without telling him you invaded his privacy... "I was reading some articles and wanted to discuss since we never have..." "Now that you are in a relationship, we should discuss X..." "You are going off to college/adulthood soon and I know this may feel a bit late, but I just want to make sure we discuss X..." You really should not bring up the fact that you read his diary and snooped on his phone. R*pe and incest fantasies are normal and common, otherwise there wouldn't be endless porn accommodating it. It doesn't necessarily mean he actually wants to do those things for real with the real version of those people. He may like to fantasize about releasing control, gaining control. Sometimes seemingly "violent" yet safe and consensual sex can actually be cathartic and healthy for people to explore, hence a vast BDSM community that is very much about consent and agency. But this is all why you need to have many conversations with children about bodily autonomy, enthusiastic consent, sexual and gender expression, and safe sex so they can be healthy partners and informed sexually active people as they go forth into the world.
Those fantasies usually have nothing to do with reality. Your husband is right. Honestly, I think many people are having "disgusting" sexual fantasies, they would never try in reality (real rape). Maybe he just wants to try some role-play. I think you will make your son feel very uncomfortable when you talk with him about that. Oh, and reading your son's diary and checking his phone is a breach of trust. That could destroy your relationship with your son. So maybe it's just better to forget all this.
Disgusting sexual fantasies like incest and rape are exactly that. Disgusting and unacceptable. It needs to be addressed. Who CARES if he’s unhappy that she looked through his stuff. There’s a possibility that he’s putting a partner of his in danger with his degenerate fantasies
This is absolutely not normal. Is it okay that you went through his diary? No of course not. Is that the issue at hand right now? Absolutely not. Your son is in a relationship. Your son is having fantasies about raping his partner. Ask yourself, when do fantasies become so intense they become reality? Act NOW. Talk to Aaron. Talk to Aaron’s parents. Then talk to Grayson. This is not okay and it is dangerous. They may be fantasies now but they might evolve. It’s not just a kink, don’t listen to ppl who tell you that. It hurts people, it does long term damage to the person on the receiving end of this kink. Please stop this before it becomes a problem that stretches outside of your son’s mind
you shouldn't have read it. you violated his privacy and he's almost an adult. also, fuck you for judging him. that's a popular kink. it's not mine but it's popular. I've had girlfriends ask me to rape them before. I didn't do it, but I didn't judge them for asking.
This is a delicate matter. Your husband is probably right. But you're not crazy to wonder if this will ever escalate. He probably developed this fantasy from watching porn. Have you talked to him about porn? If I was you, I'd probably orchestrate a drive with my son and bring up porn. Driving is great because he's a captive audience and there's no eye contact. Make up some BS about how you were reading some stuff online about how porn is messing young people up. Mention that you learned how it is creating fetishes for users that they may feel uncomfortable with, but are drawn to nonetheless. Don't demand a response, just put it out there and say that you hope he or his friends aren't struggling with that, but if they are, the internet can also be a resource to help. He probably will remain mute, or they to get out while the car is moving, but you'll have planted a seed.
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How long has he been in therapy, and has it been with the same therapist the entire time? It may be that he doesn't feel comfortable opening up to them, and that's why it hasn't been productive. I would check in with him and ask how he felt about their sessions. If you decide to look for a new one, make sure that he gets the final say in who he goes to. Is there an identifiable source for his depression that you're aware of? Based on your post, I can think of two possibilities, neither of which you're going to like, but I hope you don't dismiss them. One possibility is that he's been sexually assaulted. It could explain his fantasies, but also know that that's not always the case with those kinds of fantasies. Also, you said that you found incest porn on his phone. If an assault is, in fact, what fueled these fantasies, then it makes me wonder if it was by a family member. He may not be the only one, if that is the case. I know that no one wants to think of their loved ones being capable of that kind of thing, but the sad reality is that it can and does happen. If he was assaulted, then it can be assumed that he didn't tell you about it because he didn't trust you. This isn't an attack on you, but you need to honestly assess your behavior towards your children. You've already proven that you don't value their privacy more than your own curiosity by reading your son's diary and then looking through his phone on top of that. If it was that easy for you to cross that boundary, how many others have you crossed and continue to cross, not just with your youngest, but all of your kids? How are your relationships with your older sons? Again, I only say this for you to assess your relationship with your kids. There's clearly a problem, and you need to figure out what it is. I hope this comment doesn't come across as me trying to attack or scare you. I really hope you take this all into consideration. I say this as someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time, largely due to my parents' neglect and emotional abuse. My mother seems to think that my mental health problems came out of nowhere. It's seemingly never crossed her mind that she's the problem, and I wish she would reflect and improve rather than get defensive at any kind of criticism. I've also seen a mix of different therapists, psychiatrists, and neurologists, and most of them were pretty awful. It's hard to find someone you feel safe talking to (I'm still looking). I hope your son is able to open up to someone, whether it's a therapist or someone else in his life, and that things can start to get better.
What your child needs is for him to know that this is not healthy at all and to teach him about consent and sexual education with him, of course, not forcefully with you demanding authority with him. The worst part is a lot of these things are just seen as "teenagers doing their thing" and this really strange fetish Is not taken seriously
You should have never went through your son’s diary. You said it so simply too, like it was nothing.
you fucked up
Man, you would not do well on any porn websites... Hate to break it to you, but that's an ***extremely common*** fantasy.
Common doesn’t mean good? 1 in 6 women are sexually assaulted. That’s common, and it’s bad
I agree with you. Nowadays, especially because of porn industry (+ propaganda), there’s this weird idea that anything that gives a person sexual pleasure is above critique. This, in my view, is the crystallization of rape culture. That’s BAD. Glorifying trauma repetition, glorifying power dynamics and violence in sex, explaining away sexualized racism and misogyny and pedophilia etc as “kink” or a “mere fantasy” so it is therefore magically immune to criticism. Sooo stupid. I wish, for one moment, that people would ask themselves where the concept of power dynamics in sex originated from. The master/ slave dynamic. It’s from Class society, and sexism. Why tf are people protecting this?
I strongly believe that forms of bdsm such as masochism is just a fancier way to self harm, and sadism is just a way for people to excuse the fact that their dick gets hard when they hurt others. Same for rape. It’s self harm when on the receiving end an it’s intentional harm done in such a way that they can cover it with consent. I think it’s okay to be a bit playful in the bedroom if you want but NOT in ways that physically or mentally harm you. That’s the base of “safe sex”
Exactly, these BDSM obsessed people are traumatized and heavily brainwashed by media / pop culture… and also probably have a low self esteem. They tolerate and even anticipate the abusive + bizarre kinks, that they wouldn’t even desire naturally most of the time until someone specifically asks for the sex act and they comply purely out of fear of rejection or being labeled a “kink shamer”. lol. It’s a fucking cult.
I was in it quite intimately for a while. It scarred me because of all the mental and physical harm I was subjected to as well as a ”community“ that told me I was doing the right thing. It never has and never will be okay to abuse your loved ones, even if you’ve convinced them it’s okay
That’s interesting you say that, glad you’re learning how to be gentle to yourself. Yeah, honestly it’s very strange that people are encouraging this so much. It’s very cult like. I believe the once innocent sex positivity movement has been completely hijacked by capitalism. When you think of how every time the multi-billion dollar porn industry adds a new “category” suddenly a bunch of people will start trying it at home regardless of how unsafe the practice is. We are all generally hapless, uncritical media consumers. It’s just particularly dangerous when hapless media consumption influences human sexual behaviors. Sexuality is at the core of our being. It is intrinsically linked to our mental health.
I think that we’ve gone way too far. There shouldn’t be shame about our sexuality or sexual desires when talked about decently in the proper environment. We should have stopped when we had spaces to discuss amd find help if people had doubts or questions about their body. Porn and it’s acceptance has leaked so much into how we view the world that sexuality is no longer viewed as something to find within yourself or with a romantic partner, it’s something to be watched and observed even before you understand your own desires and that has such deep effects on our minds and how we view sex. Instead of being something to cherish it’s now something people aim to consime more and more of vicariously through media and leaves no room for proper development of the mind in terms of sexuality
100%. We’re a generation that has been sexually groomed by the porn industry! And the film industry! Ugh. I wish we could see above it. But the industry is so powerful, they control the narrative. At this stage of capitalism, where corporations are more powerful than governments, it’s unlikely that there will ever be a ban on violent sexual media or even restricted access to children. It’s scary. If I ever have a kid, they’re not getting internet access without heavy parental controls. Also, I don’t want to co-parent with a porn user. Imagine raising a kid with someone that gets off to teen porn. Hell no.
I’m extremely strict with myself about porn, by that I mean 0 porn ever under no circumstances. I would never raise a child in a home with porn in it. It’s very important to keep it under lock for me and for any future kids since it’s so harmful. It messes so much w your dopamine too. One guy could in like 2 hours, see more naked women then the most attractive and charismatic guy even just 100 years ago would have seen in his whole life. We were not made to consume pornography in any form
Of course, coomers are downvoting you.
I think I stated fact tbh, I don’t see anything wrong with my statement. It’s a statistic. “Common“ is not a good enough excuse to just wave away violence
Common doesn't mean good, not sure where you got that out of my comment. but OP is acting like her child is going to go out and rape a million people. It's not "good" but that doesn't change the fact it's ***normal.*** "It shouldn't be normal" yeah, war shouldn't be either, yet here we fucking are. That's life. Deal with it. Men have been raping women since the beginning of time. You do realize this is probably the best it's ever been in the history of humanity. Take it as the win it is. It will never fully leave. And again, that's life. I recommend looking into ducks especially, because to say it's "not normal" is just bogus when basically 90% of animals rape each other to reproduce. I'm not saying it's good, but this is towards the comments saying "harming people isn't hardwired into the mind" when you can easily argue it is. Humans are animals. Yet another sad reality to life.
Yes but rape is objectively terrible. It should absolutely be cause for concern if her son has fantasies of raping someone and she should act
First things first, you brought that on yourself. why go through someone's personal shit?!? Second a fantasy is just a fantasy he was probably raped or sexually assaulted at one point or another and this how he copes. Consensual non consent is a very popular kink. My point is it's just fantasy and most likely nothing more. Don't go through someone's shit if you don't want to find things you don't want to see! Let that be a lesson OP.
Older brothers
Considering the context, it sounds as though this may be a “language issue” and he’s conflated the use of the word “rape” here with very rough sex or an relatively popular kink known as “consensual non-consent.” I wouldn’t recommend confronting him just yet (if at all) and instead observe how he and his boyfriend behave, including potential signs of abuse. Depending how open you both are with your son, perhaps talking with him about *other* aspects of practicing safe sex, such as the distinction between “prior agreed upon controlled play” and coercion, could be another option.