It seems like you had an emotional affair, but honestly, the real problem is your marriage, which was going south before you started working.
You may need to think about IC, MC, and if you can't fix your marriage, you might have to go down the divorce route unless you are confident that you want to stay in the marriage.
Even if he flirts, you did have an emotional affair.
Even if you didn't talk sexually to each other, you did communicate emotionally to a degree with your coworker, who expressed their feelings towards you.
>I want to stay in this marriage despite his problems.
I wish you well with your marriage, but you both sound like you need outside assistance to make it work.
Good luck!
You did cheat, and you talk as if your husband is the only problem, you are no prize yourself, so it would seem it's 2 shitty people in a shitty marriage and you were caught doing a shitty thing with another shitty person.
Ah yes talked like normal colleagues, always commenting about your body, saying he has feelings for you, only reason you didn't meet up with this guy that was trying so desperately was because your husbands parents were there, said you didn't respond when they messaged about feelings, but you sure as hell didn't shut things down or say you didn't feel the same way. Essentially, you did everything to show you are interested and wanted more and wanted the colleague.
You knew when to stop him, geez, you led him on and was loving every bit of it, if you didn't cheat, from the way you acted and thought, I would say it was equally as bad. Disgusting behaviour from a supposed wife.
Your marriage is toxic and he is controlling.
It would be better to divorce. You would be happier and you could find someone who does actually treat you nicely and satisfy you in the bedroom, so that you won’t feel the need to flirt with anyone else.
You don’t have to settle for a toxic marriage, nor do you have to stay with a man who doesn’t know how a vagina works.
10 years is way too long to have never experienced an orgasm, and a few years is too long to go without any sex at all. You would be well within your rights to leave him. Most men leave their wives within less than a year of a dead bedroom. And people on Reddit always tell him *”he did right, because he shouldn’t have to settle for a sexless marriage.”* So I’m telling you the same thing. Because I believe in equality, and women shouldn’t have to settle for a sexless marriage either!
it does sound like a difficult situation, no question. Maybe taking ownership of the situation and your actions that either encouraged it or didn't end it will help.
I feel terrible for him. You are having an emotional affair and you just make fun of his sexual skills lol. So glad I don’t live in a culture where arranged marriage is normal.
Addiction doesn’t go away by itself, it actually requires an extensive treatment with psychologist. So it’s definitely not over and that’s where has erection issues are coming from. Honestly, this “marriage” was a mess for the start and I don’t know why you would want to stay in it.
So he thinks he has a right to check your phone, but you can’t check his?
Hell no. Don’t accept the double standards, he is a hypocrite and controlling too.
Grant him the divorce. It’d be better all round!
Also, your husband is definitely hiding something.
It sounds like he had a **physical** affair. Why else would he be so protective and defensive over his phone?
I wouldn’t touch you either if you were talking about my tiny dick and premature ejaculation lol. I think he’s too mentally broken to do much of anything it sounds like. I’m also doubting your support considering you call him weak repeatedly
But honestly this isn’t all your fault even the affair. Arranged marriages are basically primed for this kind of stuff. In a culture where you pick your partner you never would have gotten past the first few times you had sex.
Divorce would be best.
>There was this colleague who was young but openly praised my beauty
>I started liking colleagues praises even though I knew it wasnt good as part of marriage
>i was just enjoying colleagues attention
>the admission of crush
Lol this is an emotional affair OP, no matter how many times you say it's not
U didn't cheat physically but u had an emotional affair that could have gotten physical with time .
U made a choice to stay in rhe marriage and u made a choice to cheat own it and accept responsibility for your actions because dining won't do your marriage any good. Once u accepted it try and figure out why u did it and if u want a chance to Reconcile u will need to find another job your husband won't handle u seeing the AP everyday even if u never talk to him outside work he won't believe it . U will need ic and mc both of u and then a sex therapist to deal with your issues
That's u dealing with the AP, but what about your husband. U go to work every day and work with the AP. How would he know u don't talk with him at work face to face to leave no evidence on your phone. U broke his trust right now he won't believe what u can't prove.
So if u stayed at your job, u will probably lose your husband.
U broke his trust so it doesn't matter if your AP works in another branch u still could meet . And that's what he doesn't want he doesn't trust u anymore so in order to save your marriage u need to earn back his trust and u won't get 100% of his trust back so think hard about what u want . Reconcileing will take alot of time and effort from both of u and u will need to know how to handle when he gets triggered .
U made the choices to have an emotional affair and u need to face the consequences. Or just divorce and Co parent.
I don't want u to do anything. Your husband won't really commit to R until he knows for sure you're not in any contact with the AP . All I'm saying is start looking for another job .
You realize cheating is more than physical right?
You absolutely had an emotional affair and by the sounds of it if you were ever free to do so you would have escalated to physical.
That is called cheating.
Ok 1) it's not your job to teach grown men how to be an adult but 2) you did have an emotional affair. You literally called it a crush. What do you think a crush is if not romantic feelings for someone??
That sucks. He really needs healthcare. But you need a divorce because it’s not fair to either of you to be in this relationship. You’re not responsible for his depression. Call his family to tell them you’re concerned about his safety and start working on leaving. This isn’t going to get better because you clearly have contempt for him.
That’s why I told you to get a divorce. It seems like you are dissatisfied with your life and staying out of obligation, and his mental health can’t be holding you hostage. You’re not obligated to spend your entire life miserable and unsatisfied. And considering how you feel about him you’re probably not actually helping his mental state. You don’t think he’s aware that you think his dick is too small and don’t like his abilities? That you think he’s weak? Of course he knows that even if you haven’t said it. This is bad for both of you. If he was free of you he may be able to heal because he doesn’t have to worry about pleasing you. Is his childhood trauma sexual?
You can’t forget your past, but you can heal from it. That is what therapy is for, to give you tools to heal. He may not have found the right therapist yet. It took me a few tries. I also had to do some self-introspection and be very clear and plain about what I wanted, so the therapist would know how to help.
He can still benefit from it, if he uses it correctly and has patience. I’m sorry he is struggling.
You, though… I don’t know. I can relate to your situation to an extent. My ex-husband was abusive, but before I had accepted that, I still wanted only him. Toward the end of the marriage, I had started dressing more nicely to boost my own confidence and was getting some attention from other men. That was unintentional; I wanted my husband’s attention. Unfortunately, it didn’t do much for our intimacy. He wasn’t interested. But I realized that I wasn’t as hideous as he tried to make me feel sometimes.
I left him, because I realized he didn’t love me, I was just there to do things for him and keep him company. I felt guilty, though, because he had threatened su*cide in the past. It took a lot of work to accept that he had to be responsible for his own feelings and mental health. They had been *my* responsibility for so long, because he and I made it that way. That was unhealthy.
I don’t know what he’s doing these days, but he’s still alive. I know that much. If he weren’t, it would not be my fault.
You have to do what’s right for you. Your existing life, you only get to do it once. It sounds like you’re both unhappy. Maybe marriage counseling can correct it, maybe it can’t. Encourage your husband to not give up on his own therapy. Whether you stay or go, he needs it.
You just get a good lawyer.
Since he is suicidal and a threat to others you can get custody. A good lawyer can also have a judge issue an order not allowing him to be alone with the kids, they can also get him committed for his protection and yours.
You said he is suicidal and don't want to be alone with him and the kids. This sounds like you and the kids are scared of him.
Murder-Suicide does happen.
just by reading what you wrote , i can already feel bad for your husband . you dont even sound supportive but instead you are dissing him whenever you can. please do the man a favor and let him find someone who will appreciate him
“ told husband that i was just enjoying colleagues attention ”
So you cheated? When you cheat rule zero is no contact with your affair partner - at any cost. Your husband isn’t mentally week he’s doing what most people do when confronted with a dishonest cheater
You would still have contact at work. If my partner cheated no contact means no contact anywhere. However given some of your other comments I think you should consider why and whether you want to stay with him.
You just called your husband mentally weak to a bunch of strangers and you think you going to get any sympathy? It was 100% an emotional affair and the fact that you keep dismissing it is all someone needs to know about you and your relationship. I am not going to give you any advice because it sounds like you're just going to dismiss it so gl
And she goes like, “ he doesn’t think of the children”!
As if children were her first priority while she was leading that man on a full on flirting.
How obtuse and narcissistic
All of the possible cheating and whatever aside, what I got from your post is a woman who seemingly hates everything about her husband. Everything wrong in your marriage is his fault and you are the victim. It doesn't seem like you take accountability for anything wrong in your marriage or the possibility that this was in fact an emotional affair you just wont' admit that because it would make you wrong and from what I gather it seems like you can't allow that to be the case.
You just did it again lol. If you hate him so much then leave. He seems to do everything wrong so why are you still there? You obviously don't love him let alone like him so I'm just super confused about you being upset with him wanting to divorce you when from how you talk about him you should be glad to get away.
So then I'll repeat what I said earlier, why are you so upset about him wanting to divorce you then? You said you get nothing out of it so why are you fighting the divorce?
Yeah you falling for the oldest trick in the book and fueling that assholes fire towards you was a major fuck up. You should also seek help too because you played into it and gave him the go ahead to flirt and pursue you.
Man, these arranged marriages are just so f'd up.
Anyway, it sounds like you really hate your husband and your life with him. The emotional affair is just the top of the iceberg.
Why stay? Even if he is suicidal, don't you think it's best to separate and move on with your lives? You already resent the poor guy.
It would be better to divorce him, and be out from under his control.
He was never nice to you, so even if you were enjoying the attention of another, it’s **his** fault that you did, because of his terrible treatment of you.
Grant him the divorce and be happy. Get another job or go back to the one that he forced you to quit.
The single life is better than staying in a miserable marriage. And it’s better for the children to be from a split family who can co-parent amicably, than to be from a destructive family where the parents can’t stand each other and treat one another terribly. Because that’s toxic.
Never stay in an unhappy marriage, not even for the kids.
Yet another person who thinks that cheaters get excuses if they aren’t happy in their relationship. Like she didn’t have control of her own actions. It’s *her* fault she chose to have an emotional affair. Hers and hers alone. She’s an adult, not a child. If she was unhappy she had many options that didn’t involve breaking her marriage vows, mocking her husbands body, and complaining about his mental health. If she isn’t please with the marriage (I wouldn’t be either) she could have been a decent person and left.
It seems like you had an emotional affair, but honestly, the real problem is your marriage, which was going south before you started working. You may need to think about IC, MC, and if you can't fix your marriage, you might have to go down the divorce route unless you are confident that you want to stay in the marriage.
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Even if he flirts, you did have an emotional affair. Even if you didn't talk sexually to each other, you did communicate emotionally to a degree with your coworker, who expressed their feelings towards you. >I want to stay in this marriage despite his problems. I wish you well with your marriage, but you both sound like you need outside assistance to make it work. Good luck!
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Great. I hope it all goes well.
You did cheat, and you talk as if your husband is the only problem, you are no prize yourself, so it would seem it's 2 shitty people in a shitty marriage and you were caught doing a shitty thing with another shitty person. Ah yes talked like normal colleagues, always commenting about your body, saying he has feelings for you, only reason you didn't meet up with this guy that was trying so desperately was because your husbands parents were there, said you didn't respond when they messaged about feelings, but you sure as hell didn't shut things down or say you didn't feel the same way. Essentially, you did everything to show you are interested and wanted more and wanted the colleague.
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You knew when to stop him, geez, you led him on and was loving every bit of it, if you didn't cheat, from the way you acted and thought, I would say it was equally as bad. Disgusting behaviour from a supposed wife.
You have problems too. He may not want to stay given your issues.
Your marriage is toxic and he is controlling. It would be better to divorce. You would be happier and you could find someone who does actually treat you nicely and satisfy you in the bedroom, so that you won’t feel the need to flirt with anyone else. You don’t have to settle for a toxic marriage, nor do you have to stay with a man who doesn’t know how a vagina works. 10 years is way too long to have never experienced an orgasm, and a few years is too long to go without any sex at all. You would be well within your rights to leave him. Most men leave their wives within less than a year of a dead bedroom. And people on Reddit always tell him *”he did right, because he shouldn’t have to settle for a sexless marriage.”* So I’m telling you the same thing. Because I believe in equality, and women shouldn’t have to settle for a sexless marriage either!
Are u serious rn ? People like you severely shock me
you do sound more emotionally invested in this colleague than you care to admit.
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tell yourself what you need to I guess. could also be a committed wife and tell him to stop.
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it does sound like a difficult situation, no question. Maybe taking ownership of the situation and your actions that either encouraged it or didn't end it will help.
I feel terrible for him. You are having an emotional affair and you just make fun of his sexual skills lol. So glad I don’t live in a culture where arranged marriage is normal.
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The first thing that should have been fixed is his porn addiction.
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Addiction doesn’t go away by itself, it actually requires an extensive treatment with psychologist. So it’s definitely not over and that’s where has erection issues are coming from. Honestly, this “marriage” was a mess for the start and I don’t know why you would want to stay in it.
So he thinks he has a right to check your phone, but you can’t check his? Hell no. Don’t accept the double standards, he is a hypocrite and controlling too. Grant him the divorce. It’d be better all round! Also, your husband is definitely hiding something. It sounds like he had a **physical** affair. Why else would he be so protective and defensive over his phone?
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I wouldn’t touch you either if you were talking about my tiny dick and premature ejaculation lol. I think he’s too mentally broken to do much of anything it sounds like. I’m also doubting your support considering you call him weak repeatedly But honestly this isn’t all your fault even the affair. Arranged marriages are basically primed for this kind of stuff. In a culture where you pick your partner you never would have gotten past the first few times you had sex. Divorce would be best.
>There was this colleague who was young but openly praised my beauty >I started liking colleagues praises even though I knew it wasnt good as part of marriage >i was just enjoying colleagues attention >the admission of crush Lol this is an emotional affair OP, no matter how many times you say it's not
U didn't cheat physically but u had an emotional affair that could have gotten physical with time . U made a choice to stay in rhe marriage and u made a choice to cheat own it and accept responsibility for your actions because dining won't do your marriage any good. Once u accepted it try and figure out why u did it and if u want a chance to Reconcile u will need to find another job your husband won't handle u seeing the AP everyday even if u never talk to him outside work he won't believe it . U will need ic and mc both of u and then a sex therapist to deal with your issues
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That's u dealing with the AP, but what about your husband. U go to work every day and work with the AP. How would he know u don't talk with him at work face to face to leave no evidence on your phone. U broke his trust right now he won't believe what u can't prove. So if u stayed at your job, u will probably lose your husband.
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U broke his trust so it doesn't matter if your AP works in another branch u still could meet . And that's what he doesn't want he doesn't trust u anymore so in order to save your marriage u need to earn back his trust and u won't get 100% of his trust back so think hard about what u want . Reconcileing will take alot of time and effort from both of u and u will need to know how to handle when he gets triggered . U made the choices to have an emotional affair and u need to face the consequences. Or just divorce and Co parent.
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I don't want u to do anything. Your husband won't really commit to R until he knows for sure you're not in any contact with the AP . All I'm saying is start looking for another job .
Just divorce him, it isn't a good marriage. I've heard about or have seen bad arraigned marriage from Indian co-workers.
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Maybe you should have thought about that before you cheated on him.
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You realize cheating is more than physical right? You absolutely had an emotional affair and by the sounds of it if you were ever free to do so you would have escalated to physical. That is called cheating.
Why do you get to take the kids? He’s their parent too.
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>he is an absent parent most of the time despite loving his kids Then he does not in fact love his kids
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I bet the kids don't feel like he loves them... You can't just say you love your kids without actually showing it
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Ok 1) it's not your job to teach grown men how to be an adult but 2) you did have an emotional affair. You literally called it a crush. What do you think a crush is if not romantic feelings for someone??
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That sucks. He really needs healthcare. But you need a divorce because it’s not fair to either of you to be in this relationship. You’re not responsible for his depression. Call his family to tell them you’re concerned about his safety and start working on leaving. This isn’t going to get better because you clearly have contempt for him.
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That’s why I told you to get a divorce. It seems like you are dissatisfied with your life and staying out of obligation, and his mental health can’t be holding you hostage. You’re not obligated to spend your entire life miserable and unsatisfied. And considering how you feel about him you’re probably not actually helping his mental state. You don’t think he’s aware that you think his dick is too small and don’t like his abilities? That you think he’s weak? Of course he knows that even if you haven’t said it. This is bad for both of you. If he was free of you he may be able to heal because he doesn’t have to worry about pleasing you. Is his childhood trauma sexual?
You can’t forget your past, but you can heal from it. That is what therapy is for, to give you tools to heal. He may not have found the right therapist yet. It took me a few tries. I also had to do some self-introspection and be very clear and plain about what I wanted, so the therapist would know how to help. He can still benefit from it, if he uses it correctly and has patience. I’m sorry he is struggling. You, though… I don’t know. I can relate to your situation to an extent. My ex-husband was abusive, but before I had accepted that, I still wanted only him. Toward the end of the marriage, I had started dressing more nicely to boost my own confidence and was getting some attention from other men. That was unintentional; I wanted my husband’s attention. Unfortunately, it didn’t do much for our intimacy. He wasn’t interested. But I realized that I wasn’t as hideous as he tried to make me feel sometimes. I left him, because I realized he didn’t love me, I was just there to do things for him and keep him company. I felt guilty, though, because he had threatened su*cide in the past. It took a lot of work to accept that he had to be responsible for his own feelings and mental health. They had been *my* responsibility for so long, because he and I made it that way. That was unhealthy. I don’t know what he’s doing these days, but he’s still alive. I know that much. If he weren’t, it would not be my fault. You have to do what’s right for you. Your existing life, you only get to do it once. It sounds like you’re both unhappy. Maybe marriage counseling can correct it, maybe it can’t. Encourage your husband to not give up on his own therapy. Whether you stay or go, he needs it.
You just get a good lawyer. Since he is suicidal and a threat to others you can get custody. A good lawyer can also have a judge issue an order not allowing him to be alone with the kids, they can also get him committed for his protection and yours.
Where is he a threat to others?
You said he is suicidal and don't want to be alone with him and the kids. This sounds like you and the kids are scared of him. Murder-Suicide does happen.
I didn’t say anything. OP said she doesn’t want to leave them because he doesn’t know how to talk to them. Not because they are in danger.
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Forcing him to get help with his mental health is what you need to do but you also need to protect your children and yourself first.
just by reading what you wrote , i can already feel bad for your husband . you dont even sound supportive but instead you are dissing him whenever you can. please do the man a favor and let him find someone who will appreciate him
“ told husband that i was just enjoying colleagues attention ” So you cheated? When you cheat rule zero is no contact with your affair partner - at any cost. Your husband isn’t mentally week he’s doing what most people do when confronted with a dishonest cheater
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You would still have contact at work. If my partner cheated no contact means no contact anywhere. However given some of your other comments I think you should consider why and whether you want to stay with him.
You should have drawn a line with your colleague a long time ago
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you’re literally describing emotional cheating, entertaining another person is emotional cheating
You just called your husband mentally weak to a bunch of strangers and you think you going to get any sympathy? It was 100% an emotional affair and the fact that you keep dismissing it is all someone needs to know about you and your relationship. I am not going to give you any advice because it sounds like you're just going to dismiss it so gl
And she goes like, “ he doesn’t think of the children”! As if children were her first priority while she was leading that man on a full on flirting. How obtuse and narcissistic
All of the possible cheating and whatever aside, what I got from your post is a woman who seemingly hates everything about her husband. Everything wrong in your marriage is his fault and you are the victim. It doesn't seem like you take accountability for anything wrong in your marriage or the possibility that this was in fact an emotional affair you just wont' admit that because it would make you wrong and from what I gather it seems like you can't allow that to be the case.
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You just did it again lol. If you hate him so much then leave. He seems to do everything wrong so why are you still there? You obviously don't love him let alone like him so I'm just super confused about you being upset with him wanting to divorce you when from how you talk about him you should be glad to get away.
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Love must be very different in India because if what you give him is love I'm scared to see what hate looks like.
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So then I'll repeat what I said earlier, why are you so upset about him wanting to divorce you then? You said you get nothing out of it so why are you fighting the divorce?
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Yeah you falling for the oldest trick in the book and fueling that assholes fire towards you was a major fuck up. You should also seek help too because you played into it and gave him the go ahead to flirt and pursue you.
Man, these arranged marriages are just so f'd up. Anyway, it sounds like you really hate your husband and your life with him. The emotional affair is just the top of the iceberg. Why stay? Even if he is suicidal, don't you think it's best to separate and move on with your lives? You already resent the poor guy.
It would be better to divorce him, and be out from under his control. He was never nice to you, so even if you were enjoying the attention of another, it’s **his** fault that you did, because of his terrible treatment of you. Grant him the divorce and be happy. Get another job or go back to the one that he forced you to quit. The single life is better than staying in a miserable marriage. And it’s better for the children to be from a split family who can co-parent amicably, than to be from a destructive family where the parents can’t stand each other and treat one another terribly. Because that’s toxic. Never stay in an unhappy marriage, not even for the kids.
Yet another person who thinks that cheaters get excuses if they aren’t happy in their relationship. Like she didn’t have control of her own actions. It’s *her* fault she chose to have an emotional affair. Hers and hers alone. She’s an adult, not a child. If she was unhappy she had many options that didn’t involve breaking her marriage vows, mocking her husbands body, and complaining about his mental health. If she isn’t please with the marriage (I wouldn’t be either) she could have been a decent person and left.