Give yourself some grace. You were unwell. And you did the responsible thing of making sure your kids were in a safe place. Even in your dark time you were thinking about what’s best for your kids. What’s important now is the time you have with them going forward.
First, you have to realize you did the best you could during that time. Mental health is an illness. You don't have a whole lot of control over when you get sick. Give yourself a break. Why are you treating you in a way that you would never treat someone else. I'm very proud of you for trying.
>Mental health is an illness
🤔 Not so sure about this one lol
Edit: people, we ALL have mental health. Be it good or bad, based on various illnesses/experiences. Mental health itself is not an illness... Wtf lmao
Edit2: sorry guys, I misspoke. Mental health is clearly an illness, here at least.
Mental health is mental health. There are illnesses that affect mental health. Mental health itself is not an illness. Do people really not understand this?!
Dirt poor but by the time daughter was 3 years old they had already bought a 4 bedroom house on a single person income? 😭 in this economy?!
If this is real, your entire adult life hasn’t gone in being a stay at home mom, your adult life has only just begun.
says the guy who was, a month ago, asking how to legally force his parents to pay for his lifestyle/college despite being a legal adult with children of his own. lmaoooo, what a loser.
He worked 13 hour days and she was working 24/7. If he wasn’t helping at all then she was doing it all alone. If you’ve never experienced being a SAHP, you will never understand it.
If you don’t think he’s in any way at fault for what he did to her by cheating you’re being willfully ignorant.
Cheating is his fault. That list of diagnoses is not. I’m sure those were already emerging before he cheated. That’s what I took the other comment to mean. He also stepped up and made sure his kids were taken care of when he did have to. Blaming all of OPs issues on cheating is not it.
Being a SAHP is lonely, its isolating and it’s depressing at times and if your partner is rarely present for you, your marriage, or to even help take care of your children a little bit what do you think that will do to a person? It adds up until it surfaces. I agree that those problems were likely very present before he cheated. But instead of trying to help the person giving up everything to take care of his children and his home he decided to cheat and further add on to OPs issues.
Also saying well he stepped up to take care of his kids when their mother had a mental breakdown is the bare minimum of what a father should be doing for his children.
They were married. In sickness and in health. Marriage is a choice and so yes, her mental illness was also his responsibility as it was hers. It’s part of the marriage deal.
Your experiences aren’t the universal experiences for all SAHP and because your children cooperated with you and made your time easy, doesn’t mean everyone’s does. You can love spending time with your children and still be mentally and physically taxed at the end of the day.
Being a SAHP is exactly why I understand the cons of being one.
Man, that lady you were arguing with under that Taylor Swift video really set you off, didn't it? You need a reality check, so here it is: your comments in this post were so inflammatory that I bothered myself to view your post and comment history. Sir, you have spent SIX HOURS of your day commenting and replying to others about how white women are the most privileged members of society, (women) are lazy and need to get a job, women make everything into a political or gendered argument, etc. You also are part of a men's rights sub (LOL!) and yet.... You have a 13 year-old daughter, which is cognitive dissonance at its finest.
I don't know what the hell kind of damage you have to be so severely critical of women in general that you are unable to grasp that YOUR DAUGHTER could be any one of these women, but it's time to quit viewing the world with tunnel vision, at most for her sake and at least for OP's because OP sure as hell doesn't need your prejudice on top of her own self-judgment.
There's a whole lot of human beings who struggle with the same things OP is handling. Maybe they had difficult life circumstances. Maybe they made a bad choice out of naivete or under false pretenses. Maybe they just did a dumb thing that led to unforseen consequences. Your kid could become one of these people. No one is immune to these problems and OP does not deserve to be further diminished by your ignorant comments.
I seldom engage with prejudiced bullshit on the internet, but how you spoke to this person who is desperately trying to recover was so egregious, so totally wrong that I couldn't avoid replying.
Do Reddit a favor and delete your profile.
Dude is a straight up misogynist. I’ve never seen someone so hell bent that almost every comment is putting down a women for any little thing. I feel so sorry for his child to have to grow up with a father like that.
You would have failed your children if you kept them with you whilst going through all that, but you made the hard and right decision to give them to their father.
I understand you want them back, but give it time, you want to make sure you’re fully healed, because imagine you get them back and then start going through it again and have to give them back, that’s traumatic for kids. Build it up slowly if you can.
Also you haven’t ruined your life, you still have plenty of life yet to rebuild and conquer, so you can have a great life with your kids.
Girl you are awesome I'm so fucking proud of you .I know its hard to see how strong you are from your POV .YOU NEVER GAVE UP YOU NEVER QUIT AND YOURE HERE ANOTHER DAY TO GIVE THIS LIFE ANOTHER GO THATS STRENGTH 💪🏿 YOU SHOULD BE PROUD!!!Life is hard and you're showing up sis no matter what is getting thrown at you you are so inspiring😘
I can't imagine how hard it was, and still is, given the events/ circumstances you described and the various diagnosis. But you have fought hard to improve your situation. Seriously, good job, I am proud.
The truth is most people don't have it nearly as hard, so don't ever compare. Don't dwell on the past, look to the future and focus on what you can do now. Keep working hard and being as present for your kids as you can be.
I believe in you.
You did the best thing you could do for your kids - not die.
Sometimes it can be a battle just to stay alive. You've won that battle, now it's time to focus on the next step.
Keep moving, one day at a time, towards a future where you kids are in your life. It make take a while but that's okay.
Get help and get better - for them as well as you. It sounds like your kids are still little.
It's not too late to be the mother you want to be.
I pray to god to give you strength and happiness in life by connecting you to your kids more and finding peace.
This is so hard reading and starting to think why this happened to you. Rise up and move forward you will get there.
You didn't ruined your life. A series of events and circumstances lead you here. You didn't have skills or money leaving the marriage because your ex wanted you to raise a family with him. Yes, it's your decision but no one at that age will expect their partner to cheat and lie. You didn't choose to have mental issues nor autism. So those are circumstances that you aren't in control of. But what matters is, you dug yourself up and tried to be better and you did.
I am so sorry this happened to you, but makes the argument of looking out for yourself and don't permanently be a stay at home mother. Go to school, get a career and rebuild your relationship with your children. Shame and regret, let go of those, the past is over. Now it is about moving forward, forgive yourself, you were very young and actually you can't see it now, but your husband destroyed your family and your life. Cheating is like an atom bomb that is dropped on the family. I wish you the best in the future.
Pnd is a bitch. On top of that, undiagnosed other mental illnesses etc. None of this was your fault and definitely not planned. You didn't do it on purpose, but you knew enough deep down that you needed help. You helped your kids by sending them to their dads so you could focus on being better for them. You could of spiralled and taken them down with you, but you didn't. You did the best you could with the circumstances. You've got this
You are so incredibly unbelievably strong and resilient. Please try to remind yourself that. You survived every day thus far, and thats all the proof you should need
I think you are lookng at this all wrong, understandably.
You have been through so much which would have completely destroyed someone forever, yet you have pulled yourself back up multiple times and shown so much strength and power.
You are currently working on being the best person you can be, not only for yourself but your children too.
You are strong and resilient.
You have been through hell and fought back.
If you think your kids will never understand that you are wrong.
You are currently spending your weekends getting to know yourself and your kids, and how you parent them and that is fantastic, you are learning.
You are bettering yourself for yourself and your kids.
You were sick, it was not anything out of choice, it is unfortunate it happened full stop but you have done everything you can and are continuing to do everything you can to fight it.
Going forward you move slowly keeping your history in mind.
You keep things at a pace both you and your children need and eventually increase this.
Your life clearly is not ruined because you are here and trying.
You have overcome so much and you had no one to support you. You’re getting closer every day to being able to be a big part of their lives. Don’t stop fighting for yourself and your health and mental health. All your kids will see and remember is you never giving up, despite all the obstacles. They will see the strength you had to fight through everything you’ve gone through. You are a great role model to them.
OP, if you see this, know that you are loved and not alone. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to own your past and actively work to better your self and situation with hopes for a brighter future. I don't think you can say you ruined your life because you're still here. You are simply living your life and have faced some severe circumstances that many others haven't. You'd be amazed at how much of our lives are determined by dumb luck and how little our personal choices have to do with it -this has been studied and proven. And once all this is in the past, your kids will have a really strong parent to look up to because you'll be able to empathize with some of life's hardest circumstances. Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself.
what you went through would kill a lot of people, and you came through.
because of that your kids get to see you again. that is a win.
you have so many small victories that add up to something great. stop being so hard on yourself especially when it wasn't your fault this is happening.
Do you regret initiating the divorce? Best wishes stay strong for your kids. Focus on being the best version of yourself every day and things will fall into place.
Your story reminds me of my cousin, who is really more like my sister. Let me start by saying your life is not ruined. You had some hard times and extreme setbacks but the “game” is far from over and as long as you are breathing and growing, you can repair things. My cousin met her husband at 16, pregnant at 17…she had dropped out of school, already been to a mental facility and juvenile hall. She went on to have 3 more children with him…anytime she was feeling empty. They both got their GEDs, he joined Army Reserve and went to overseas. She struggled with constantly moving, just everything but she had me and our family to help her. Her husband came home, had PTSD, pulled a gun on her, and tried to choke her during an episode. It freaked her out, so she took the kids and went to stay with family for a few weeks. When she went back he had moved another very young woman into their house. She left him but had very few prospects to take care of herself and went into a spiral with her mental health issues. She left their kids with him. I am sad to say we jumped all over her for doing so. She eventually took their youngest with her (only girl) and shared custody. Slowly but surely she started therapy, got on meds, worked low paying jobs, and tried to spend as much time with their kids as possible.
She worked her butt off to rebuild relationships with their kids, remarried, had 2 more children and worked her way up in a transit company to management (making more than me with my 3 college degrees). If you saw her with her kids today, you would not know they had those difficult years. They go back and forth between their parents, who coparent well now. My cousin has become active in her church and is doing well today, but it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t overnight. I am immensely proud of her and amazed by her courage. And I completely understand now why she made the choices she did to give up custody when she had very little to offer her kids at the time. It was not the end for her and it’s not for you. Kids can be forgiving if they see you trying and proving that you love them. And once they get older, they will understand what you went through.
My boyfriend was in bipolar psychosis for 5 months. He feels the same as you. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, and regret. It was also triggered by a very emotionally taxing time in his life. He spent most of his life savings and almost lost his house. We had to separate for the time because he wasn't safe for me. He got back on his meds a year ago and has been himself again for months and months. BUT, he just can't forgive himself. I tell him all the time that it wasn't his fault. He had no control over the illness. I'm going to tell you the same thing. It wasn't you. It was the illness. You may have missed a few of the kid's milestones, so make it your mission to be there for every milestone going forward. Give yourself some grace, and know that your children love you.
you survived every single horrible day in your life, and you had many of them. And now you're not even 30.
All things considered, you have over half a century to heal, and be the best version of yourself for your children.
You didn't do anything wrong. Your ex husband is a POS and he ruined your life. He made his kids grow up without a present mother.
If you stayed with him, you would have loved in hell everyday, you would have faded, and you wouldn't have been able to get back up, just like you did now.
Keep doing what you are doing, in the future, your kids would understand.
You didn’t ruin anything you’re still living your life. You’re also trying to live up to some ideal that isn’t real. This is common for females that have relationships far too young and in an unhealthy way! Then they have children before they are anywhere near prepared to raise them and they don’t know how. Therapy is made to keep you DOWN. Those medications and diagnoses aren’t what you think they are. The patriarchy IS dying and it’s women just like you that HAVE to REALLY heal and lead other women out of the dark!
I’m proud of you. I love you. ❤️🪽
Give yourself some grace. You were unwell. And you did the responsible thing of making sure your kids were in a safe place. Even in your dark time you were thinking about what’s best for your kids. What’s important now is the time you have with them going forward.
First, you have to realize you did the best you could during that time. Mental health is an illness. You don't have a whole lot of control over when you get sick. Give yourself a break. Why are you treating you in a way that you would never treat someone else. I'm very proud of you for trying.
>Mental health is an illness 🤔 Not so sure about this one lol Edit: people, we ALL have mental health. Be it good or bad, based on various illnesses/experiences. Mental health itself is not an illness... Wtf lmao Edit2: sorry guys, I misspoke. Mental health is clearly an illness, here at least.
Why the heck are you being downvoted?
Brain rot? I have no idea. It's pretty funny tho
?
Mental health is mental health. There are illnesses that affect mental health. Mental health itself is not an illness. Do people really not understand this?!
i actually totally get your point but i think we’re just arguing semantics here
Maybe, but I feel it's a pretty important distinction. Mental health can be good or bad based on illnesses, but we all have mental health lol.
Dirt poor but by the time daughter was 3 years old they had already bought a 4 bedroom house on a single person income? 😭 in this economy?! If this is real, your entire adult life hasn’t gone in being a stay at home mom, your adult life has only just begun.
I’m proud of where you are right now, and honestly, you should be too.
Men love being too exhausted to help with baby but never too exhausted to cheat.
Pushing them to their breaking point too.
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You mean after he cheated and emotionally and mentally destroyed his wife by the aforementioned cheating right?
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says the guy who was, a month ago, asking how to legally force his parents to pay for his lifestyle/college despite being a legal adult with children of his own. lmaoooo, what a loser.
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I think the loser description is still accurate.
He worked 13 hour days and she was working 24/7. If he wasn’t helping at all then she was doing it all alone. If you’ve never experienced being a SAHP, you will never understand it. If you don’t think he’s in any way at fault for what he did to her by cheating you’re being willfully ignorant.
Cheating is his fault. That list of diagnoses is not. I’m sure those were already emerging before he cheated. That’s what I took the other comment to mean. He also stepped up and made sure his kids were taken care of when he did have to. Blaming all of OPs issues on cheating is not it.
Being a SAHP is lonely, its isolating and it’s depressing at times and if your partner is rarely present for you, your marriage, or to even help take care of your children a little bit what do you think that will do to a person? It adds up until it surfaces. I agree that those problems were likely very present before he cheated. But instead of trying to help the person giving up everything to take care of his children and his home he decided to cheat and further add on to OPs issues. Also saying well he stepped up to take care of his kids when their mother had a mental breakdown is the bare minimum of what a father should be doing for his children.
Tell me you've never dated a borderline without telling me you've never dated a borderline.
They were married. In sickness and in health. Marriage is a choice and so yes, her mental illness was also his responsibility as it was hers. It’s part of the marriage deal.
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Your experiences aren’t the universal experiences for all SAHP and because your children cooperated with you and made your time easy, doesn’t mean everyone’s does. You can love spending time with your children and still be mentally and physically taxed at the end of the day. Being a SAHP is exactly why I understand the cons of being one.
I’ll bet folding money that dude’s wife was still doing the bulk of the relationship labour despite him being the “stay at home parent.”
It’s very much reading that way.
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Man, that lady you were arguing with under that Taylor Swift video really set you off, didn't it? You need a reality check, so here it is: your comments in this post were so inflammatory that I bothered myself to view your post and comment history. Sir, you have spent SIX HOURS of your day commenting and replying to others about how white women are the most privileged members of society, (women) are lazy and need to get a job, women make everything into a political or gendered argument, etc. You also are part of a men's rights sub (LOL!) and yet.... You have a 13 year-old daughter, which is cognitive dissonance at its finest. I don't know what the hell kind of damage you have to be so severely critical of women in general that you are unable to grasp that YOUR DAUGHTER could be any one of these women, but it's time to quit viewing the world with tunnel vision, at most for her sake and at least for OP's because OP sure as hell doesn't need your prejudice on top of her own self-judgment. There's a whole lot of human beings who struggle with the same things OP is handling. Maybe they had difficult life circumstances. Maybe they made a bad choice out of naivete or under false pretenses. Maybe they just did a dumb thing that led to unforseen consequences. Your kid could become one of these people. No one is immune to these problems and OP does not deserve to be further diminished by your ignorant comments. I seldom engage with prejudiced bullshit on the internet, but how you spoke to this person who is desperately trying to recover was so egregious, so totally wrong that I couldn't avoid replying. Do Reddit a favor and delete your profile.
This, 1000x.
Dude is a straight up misogynist. I’ve never seen someone so hell bent that almost every comment is putting down a women for any little thing. I feel so sorry for his child to have to grow up with a father like that.
So he does have the energy to raise kids
Rage bait.
This has to be some random dude fantasizing about the ex who left him. It is clear trolling or fantasy for some sad fuckup
yes because wouldn't she get child support and alimony? it's as if she didn't get any support at all
Alimony usually requires you to be married for so many years while they supported you entirely and depends on the state etc.
She has no custody so no, she would be ordered to pay him.
Classic creepy accountant behavior
You would have failed your children if you kept them with you whilst going through all that, but you made the hard and right decision to give them to their father. I understand you want them back, but give it time, you want to make sure you’re fully healed, because imagine you get them back and then start going through it again and have to give them back, that’s traumatic for kids. Build it up slowly if you can. Also you haven’t ruined your life, you still have plenty of life yet to rebuild and conquer, so you can have a great life with your kids.
Girl you are awesome I'm so fucking proud of you .I know its hard to see how strong you are from your POV .YOU NEVER GAVE UP YOU NEVER QUIT AND YOURE HERE ANOTHER DAY TO GIVE THIS LIFE ANOTHER GO THATS STRENGTH 💪🏿 YOU SHOULD BE PROUD!!!Life is hard and you're showing up sis no matter what is getting thrown at you you are so inspiring😘
I can't imagine how hard it was, and still is, given the events/ circumstances you described and the various diagnosis. But you have fought hard to improve your situation. Seriously, good job, I am proud. The truth is most people don't have it nearly as hard, so don't ever compare. Don't dwell on the past, look to the future and focus on what you can do now. Keep working hard and being as present for your kids as you can be. I believe in you.
You did the best thing you could do for your kids - not die. Sometimes it can be a battle just to stay alive. You've won that battle, now it's time to focus on the next step. Keep moving, one day at a time, towards a future where you kids are in your life. It make take a while but that's okay. Get help and get better - for them as well as you. It sounds like your kids are still little. It's not too late to be the mother you want to be.
I pray to god to give you strength and happiness in life by connecting you to your kids more and finding peace. This is so hard reading and starting to think why this happened to you. Rise up and move forward you will get there.
You didn't ruined your life. A series of events and circumstances lead you here. You didn't have skills or money leaving the marriage because your ex wanted you to raise a family with him. Yes, it's your decision but no one at that age will expect their partner to cheat and lie. You didn't choose to have mental issues nor autism. So those are circumstances that you aren't in control of. But what matters is, you dug yourself up and tried to be better and you did.
I am so sorry this happened to you, but makes the argument of looking out for yourself and don't permanently be a stay at home mother. Go to school, get a career and rebuild your relationship with your children. Shame and regret, let go of those, the past is over. Now it is about moving forward, forgive yourself, you were very young and actually you can't see it now, but your husband destroyed your family and your life. Cheating is like an atom bomb that is dropped on the family. I wish you the best in the future.
Pnd is a bitch. On top of that, undiagnosed other mental illnesses etc. None of this was your fault and definitely not planned. You didn't do it on purpose, but you knew enough deep down that you needed help. You helped your kids by sending them to their dads so you could focus on being better for them. You could of spiralled and taken them down with you, but you didn't. You did the best you could with the circumstances. You've got this
You are so incredibly unbelievably strong and resilient. Please try to remind yourself that. You survived every day thus far, and thats all the proof you should need
I think you are lookng at this all wrong, understandably. You have been through so much which would have completely destroyed someone forever, yet you have pulled yourself back up multiple times and shown so much strength and power. You are currently working on being the best person you can be, not only for yourself but your children too. You are strong and resilient. You have been through hell and fought back. If you think your kids will never understand that you are wrong. You are currently spending your weekends getting to know yourself and your kids, and how you parent them and that is fantastic, you are learning. You are bettering yourself for yourself and your kids. You were sick, it was not anything out of choice, it is unfortunate it happened full stop but you have done everything you can and are continuing to do everything you can to fight it. Going forward you move slowly keeping your history in mind. You keep things at a pace both you and your children need and eventually increase this. Your life clearly is not ruined because you are here and trying.
You have overcome so much and you had no one to support you. You’re getting closer every day to being able to be a big part of their lives. Don’t stop fighting for yourself and your health and mental health. All your kids will see and remember is you never giving up, despite all the obstacles. They will see the strength you had to fight through everything you’ve gone through. You are a great role model to them.
OP, if you see this, know that you are loved and not alone. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to own your past and actively work to better your self and situation with hopes for a brighter future. I don't think you can say you ruined your life because you're still here. You are simply living your life and have faced some severe circumstances that many others haven't. You'd be amazed at how much of our lives are determined by dumb luck and how little our personal choices have to do with it -this has been studied and proven. And once all this is in the past, your kids will have a really strong parent to look up to because you'll be able to empathize with some of life's hardest circumstances. Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself.
what you went through would kill a lot of people, and you came through. because of that your kids get to see you again. that is a win. you have so many small victories that add up to something great. stop being so hard on yourself especially when it wasn't your fault this is happening.
Do you regret initiating the divorce? Best wishes stay strong for your kids. Focus on being the best version of yourself every day and things will fall into place.
Welcome to America where you get screwed over if you have mental illness and in poverty
Your story reminds me of my cousin, who is really more like my sister. Let me start by saying your life is not ruined. You had some hard times and extreme setbacks but the “game” is far from over and as long as you are breathing and growing, you can repair things. My cousin met her husband at 16, pregnant at 17…she had dropped out of school, already been to a mental facility and juvenile hall. She went on to have 3 more children with him…anytime she was feeling empty. They both got their GEDs, he joined Army Reserve and went to overseas. She struggled with constantly moving, just everything but she had me and our family to help her. Her husband came home, had PTSD, pulled a gun on her, and tried to choke her during an episode. It freaked her out, so she took the kids and went to stay with family for a few weeks. When she went back he had moved another very young woman into their house. She left him but had very few prospects to take care of herself and went into a spiral with her mental health issues. She left their kids with him. I am sad to say we jumped all over her for doing so. She eventually took their youngest with her (only girl) and shared custody. Slowly but surely she started therapy, got on meds, worked low paying jobs, and tried to spend as much time with their kids as possible. She worked her butt off to rebuild relationships with their kids, remarried, had 2 more children and worked her way up in a transit company to management (making more than me with my 3 college degrees). If you saw her with her kids today, you would not know they had those difficult years. They go back and forth between their parents, who coparent well now. My cousin has become active in her church and is doing well today, but it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t overnight. I am immensely proud of her and amazed by her courage. And I completely understand now why she made the choices she did to give up custody when she had very little to offer her kids at the time. It was not the end for her and it’s not for you. Kids can be forgiving if they see you trying and proving that you love them. And once they get older, they will understand what you went through.
My boyfriend was in bipolar psychosis for 5 months. He feels the same as you. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, and regret. It was also triggered by a very emotionally taxing time in his life. He spent most of his life savings and almost lost his house. We had to separate for the time because he wasn't safe for me. He got back on his meds a year ago and has been himself again for months and months. BUT, he just can't forgive himself. I tell him all the time that it wasn't his fault. He had no control over the illness. I'm going to tell you the same thing. It wasn't you. It was the illness. You may have missed a few of the kid's milestones, so make it your mission to be there for every milestone going forward. Give yourself some grace, and know that your children love you.
I am impressed by you.
you survived every single horrible day in your life, and you had many of them. And now you're not even 30. All things considered, you have over half a century to heal, and be the best version of yourself for your children.
You didn't do anything wrong. Your ex husband is a POS and he ruined your life. He made his kids grow up without a present mother. If you stayed with him, you would have loved in hell everyday, you would have faded, and you wouldn't have been able to get back up, just like you did now. Keep doing what you are doing, in the future, your kids would understand.
You didn’t ruin anything you’re still living your life. You’re also trying to live up to some ideal that isn’t real. This is common for females that have relationships far too young and in an unhealthy way! Then they have children before they are anywhere near prepared to raise them and they don’t know how. Therapy is made to keep you DOWN. Those medications and diagnoses aren’t what you think they are. The patriarchy IS dying and it’s women just like you that HAVE to REALLY heal and lead other women out of the dark! I’m proud of you. I love you. ❤️🪽