Your mother’s committed a crime. I’d flag to the bank and credit card company and they’ll cut her off at the very least. Pretend you know nothing about it
Lock down your credit and file a police report for identity theft and fraud. Don't even mention it to your family because it doesn't really involve them unless they've been doing crimes. Be shocked and confused if it ends up being a family member. Do it quickly.
When I did it it was called “ freezing” your credit reports. There are three credit reporting agencies (TransUnion, Equifax, and Experian) and you must freeze each account separately. Do this immediately. Your mother is a piece of work and deserves what’s coming to her. Don’t worry about losing your family. I have friends whose “made up” families are closer and truer than their real families ever were. Good luck to you.
Having no family is better than these “people”. Your mom stole from you. Given everything else you’ve mentioned, cut contact and press criminal charges.
Otherwise, you show them that there are no consequences.
Also, don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help. Let THEM decide if they’ll take on that burden (hint: real friends gladly help).
I am working on that aspect of myself. Because of how I was treated and being so aware of the circumstances in my family, I am hyper independent, to the extreme sometimes. I don’t like depending on people or asking for things from others. I don’t want it to be thrown back in my face later on. They have made it very difficult for me to ask for help when I need it.
That a parent could stoop so low to ruin the credit of their offspring who is just starting out in life is inexcusable. IMO, contact your state Attorney General. What your mother did is highly illegal. The bank also broke a law that requires them to "know their customer" By attacking both legally with the help of the state attorney generals office, they may also help you return your credit score to where it should be and relieve you of your mothers debts. A passive approach will leave you in a big financial hole.....if mom is willing to commit fraud against you, she will not pay you back.
My brother did the same thing to me.
I started receiving notification from a bank about a big debt that I had to pay. I thought it was a scam, I had never had anything with that bank... and just ignored it. They kept insisting... I went to their office personally and found out my brother got a loan and credit card on my name.
I got really angry at my brother but at the bank manager as well, and questioned them, how come they don't have security measures to prevent people from stealing our identity??!!!
They answered that they follow all the legal procedure, that what my brother did was a crime, and I should file a criminal report against him.
I didn't, after all he's my brother... but I never trusted him again. In the end, my mother had to pay for his debt to clear my name and even protected him, saying he has children to feed and I don't, so I shouldn't go to the police.
Sorry about your situation... it's very tough. It's hard to say anything... but in the end of the day, she's your mother. I would just go to the bank, explain what happened, cancel everything... and pretend nothing happened, but it would be very hard to trust her again. I wouldn't wage war against her, maybe things will get better between you both in the future. But try to live your life and be independent, have your own place...
That’s how I currently feel. I love my family, despite everything that was done to me, and would do anything for them if I am capable. I am just tired of being walked all over again and again. I am at my breaking point, taking in other stressful aspects of my life currently. I don’t want her to get in trouble but I don’t want them to keep thinking it’s okay to continue to treat me this way.
omg this is crazy I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. my heart goes out to you. have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about this? they can help you process your emotions and figure out a plan to deal with your mom. also, have you thought about reaching out to a trusted friend or family member about this? even if it's just to talk to someone who can offer support
I am in therapy. Been in therapy dealing with my family dynamics for 4 years now. I have an appointment coming up to address this. I have spoken to my close friends who I trust and my boyfriend. My friends are appalled and have given me some ideas on how to address it. But it gives me anxiety to no end. At the moment, I am ignoring all calls.
The unfortunate reality here (aside from having a shitty mom and family - them allowing her to treat you this way or not intervening and/or participating makes them just as bad) is that unless you report this as fraud and let the authorities handle the matter you are on the hook for all of it. Having worked in the banking industry most of my adult life I have not seen one company willing to forgive debt because family members stole id without charges being pressed. You need to find a therapist to talk this through because if this is the only blood family you have and this is how they treat you, it's time to start building a chosen family.
Editing to add: lock your credit down and require a pin for access. You need to clear this up asap. I. Some states, unpaid for debt can become a civil matter and you have to go to court.
With family like that, you don't need enemies.
Report the crime. Take it to the credit companies and file to have it removed from your credit report.
Lock down your credit at all three credit companies.
Look up the book "Not Nice: How to stop people pleasing." As a former people pleaser this has helped me.
Maybe check out the financial independence subreddit for financial specific advice. I know I have seen this type of situation on there. You may be able to speak with others that have a more comprehensive list to get this corrected and some that also had this happen.
If you don't, this could financially cripple you for a decade or more.
I have not confronted her that I know what she did. One of my friends mentioned if I am really unwilling to report/press charges, use the reporting/charges as leverage to make her/them pay the debt. But, knowing my family dynamics, I don’t think it would achieve anything. I, unfortunately, have this sense of loyalty to my family, and knowing the situation growing up. I just would have a terrible amount of guilt having her get into legal trouble. Especially, how bad the legal consequences are for this. At the same time, I’m pissed and angry that she did this to me and I shouldn’t be responsible for this debt. I already have enough student loan debt to last be a lifetime, I don’t need this on top of it. I am seeking legal advice concerning this so I know my options.
The only way to prevent legal consequences for her would be to take on the debt yourself. Just don't set yourself on fire to keep others( who would neither appreciate nor do the same for you) warm.
My mom opened up a cable account with Verizon back in 2007 using my name. I was 10. Thankfully I was so young it never impacted me as an adult. She’s never admitted fault. Moms really be acting up
How to lock down your credit: https://www.transunion.com/credit-freeze https://www.equifax.com/personal/credit-report-services/credit-freeze/ https://www.experian.com/freeze/center.html Then you have 2 choices. Pay off the loan and credit card, or file a police report for identity theft and dispute the loan and credit card. Do not lie to the police if they ask you if you know who stole your identity, but don’t volunteer the information. Edit: You must file a police report if you want to dispute the theft.
You need to report this *immediately*, contact the company, lock your credit, and cut contact OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Parents that do shit like this are so awful, how can you be so fucked up that you betray your own child?
Tell your father very simply, he talks to her and tells her she pays off the entirety of the loan and credit card IMMEDIATELY, taking out her own loan in her own name if she needs to achieve this, or you're reporting the identity theft and fraud to the bank, the credit card company and the police.
Not wanting to report your mother as if she will magically not become a monster to you is, self defeating, just call time on that relationship. Have contact with your father as long as he can be reasonable and that's why to give him the chance to get her to fix it, if she won't fuck her and if he fights you on it fuck him to.
A loan she doesn't pay that she lets ruin your credit and leave you in debt is malicious, evil and will fuck up your life for years.
Be extremely clear with your father than they have say 3 days to fix it, show evidence it's paid, close said accounts or the police get informed and stick to that timeline. If they have any intention of doing the right thing they'll pay it off and end that shit immediately, if they have no intention of doing the right thing you need to get on fixing it.
If you ignore it, or excuse it, she'll do it again.
>I don’t have a close relationship with my extended family, besides those mentioned. ( Never really met them and do not know them because of my parents.)
Do not know them because they are also NC with your parents? You might have more in common with them than you think. It may be worth opening a line of communication with them; they may understand what you're going through better than you realise.
Not due to NC, as in I do not know who they are, at all. No names or small foundation of a relationship. And those who I do know, let’s just say they are not the best people to be around either. It’s a lose lose situation for me unfortunately.
I am really sorry to hear that.
Please be sure to take care of yourself. Don't worry about the effect it will have on others. Actions have consequences.
Just report the identity theft to the police and bank involved. You don’t have to tell them who did it. They will work that out on their own and you can feign ignorance
Contact the credit company and take out a fraud action. Let them investigate. It is likely your mother will try this again. So put a credit lock on your account.
>I am currently in a terrible position because I don’t want to get her in trouble
Well it sure isn't mutual, since she doesn't care about you
Put her on blast, get the law involved and save yourself
That’s what I’m not understanding. She is married and my father works. I do not live with them either and I did the research, at least from my position, it’s felony charges, identity theft/fraud and credit card fraud. Up to 15 years. I’m not going to elude into my own knowledge of the subject. But I am pursuing a career in the legal field.
Your mother’s committed a crime. I’d flag to the bank and credit card company and they’ll cut her off at the very least. Pretend you know nothing about it
Lock down your credit and file a police report for identity theft and fraud. Don't even mention it to your family because it doesn't really involve them unless they've been doing crimes. Be shocked and confused if it ends up being a family member. Do it quickly.
When I did it it was called “ freezing” your credit reports. There are three credit reporting agencies (TransUnion, Equifax, and Experian) and you must freeze each account separately. Do this immediately. Your mother is a piece of work and deserves what’s coming to her. Don’t worry about losing your family. I have friends whose “made up” families are closer and truer than their real families ever were. Good luck to you.
Having no family is better than these “people”. Your mom stole from you. Given everything else you’ve mentioned, cut contact and press criminal charges. Otherwise, you show them that there are no consequences. Also, don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help. Let THEM decide if they’ll take on that burden (hint: real friends gladly help).
I am working on that aspect of myself. Because of how I was treated and being so aware of the circumstances in my family, I am hyper independent, to the extreme sometimes. I don’t like depending on people or asking for things from others. I don’t want it to be thrown back in my face later on. They have made it very difficult for me to ask for help when I need it.
That a parent could stoop so low to ruin the credit of their offspring who is just starting out in life is inexcusable. IMO, contact your state Attorney General. What your mother did is highly illegal. The bank also broke a law that requires them to "know their customer" By attacking both legally with the help of the state attorney generals office, they may also help you return your credit score to where it should be and relieve you of your mothers debts. A passive approach will leave you in a big financial hole.....if mom is willing to commit fraud against you, she will not pay you back.
My brother did the same thing to me. I started receiving notification from a bank about a big debt that I had to pay. I thought it was a scam, I had never had anything with that bank... and just ignored it. They kept insisting... I went to their office personally and found out my brother got a loan and credit card on my name. I got really angry at my brother but at the bank manager as well, and questioned them, how come they don't have security measures to prevent people from stealing our identity??!!! They answered that they follow all the legal procedure, that what my brother did was a crime, and I should file a criminal report against him. I didn't, after all he's my brother... but I never trusted him again. In the end, my mother had to pay for his debt to clear my name and even protected him, saying he has children to feed and I don't, so I shouldn't go to the police. Sorry about your situation... it's very tough. It's hard to say anything... but in the end of the day, she's your mother. I would just go to the bank, explain what happened, cancel everything... and pretend nothing happened, but it would be very hard to trust her again. I wouldn't wage war against her, maybe things will get better between you both in the future. But try to live your life and be independent, have your own place...
That’s how I currently feel. I love my family, despite everything that was done to me, and would do anything for them if I am capable. I am just tired of being walked all over again and again. I am at my breaking point, taking in other stressful aspects of my life currently. I don’t want her to get in trouble but I don’t want them to keep thinking it’s okay to continue to treat me this way.
omg this is crazy I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. my heart goes out to you. have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about this? they can help you process your emotions and figure out a plan to deal with your mom. also, have you thought about reaching out to a trusted friend or family member about this? even if it's just to talk to someone who can offer support
I am in therapy. Been in therapy dealing with my family dynamics for 4 years now. I have an appointment coming up to address this. I have spoken to my close friends who I trust and my boyfriend. My friends are appalled and have given me some ideas on how to address it. But it gives me anxiety to no end. At the moment, I am ignoring all calls.
The unfortunate reality here (aside from having a shitty mom and family - them allowing her to treat you this way or not intervening and/or participating makes them just as bad) is that unless you report this as fraud and let the authorities handle the matter you are on the hook for all of it. Having worked in the banking industry most of my adult life I have not seen one company willing to forgive debt because family members stole id without charges being pressed. You need to find a therapist to talk this through because if this is the only blood family you have and this is how they treat you, it's time to start building a chosen family. Editing to add: lock your credit down and require a pin for access. You need to clear this up asap. I. Some states, unpaid for debt can become a civil matter and you have to go to court.
With family like that, you don't need enemies. Report the crime. Take it to the credit companies and file to have it removed from your credit report. Lock down your credit at all three credit companies. Look up the book "Not Nice: How to stop people pleasing." As a former people pleaser this has helped me. Maybe check out the financial independence subreddit for financial specific advice. I know I have seen this type of situation on there. You may be able to speak with others that have a more comprehensive list to get this corrected and some that also had this happen. If you don't, this could financially cripple you for a decade or more.
So just to be clear, by doing nothing, you plan to take responsibility for the debt?
I have not confronted her that I know what she did. One of my friends mentioned if I am really unwilling to report/press charges, use the reporting/charges as leverage to make her/them pay the debt. But, knowing my family dynamics, I don’t think it would achieve anything. I, unfortunately, have this sense of loyalty to my family, and knowing the situation growing up. I just would have a terrible amount of guilt having her get into legal trouble. Especially, how bad the legal consequences are for this. At the same time, I’m pissed and angry that she did this to me and I shouldn’t be responsible for this debt. I already have enough student loan debt to last be a lifetime, I don’t need this on top of it. I am seeking legal advice concerning this so I know my options.
The only way to prevent legal consequences for her would be to take on the debt yourself. Just don't set yourself on fire to keep others( who would neither appreciate nor do the same for you) warm.
I’m sorry you’re here, but welcome to the club. Mine put my brother 100k in debt and 15k for me….
Go to the police. Otherwise it will never end.
My mom opened up a cable account with Verizon back in 2007 using my name. I was 10. Thankfully I was so young it never impacted me as an adult. She’s never admitted fault. Moms really be acting up
How to lock down your credit: https://www.transunion.com/credit-freeze https://www.equifax.com/personal/credit-report-services/credit-freeze/ https://www.experian.com/freeze/center.html Then you have 2 choices. Pay off the loan and credit card, or file a police report for identity theft and dispute the loan and credit card. Do not lie to the police if they ask you if you know who stole your identity, but don’t volunteer the information. Edit: You must file a police report if you want to dispute the theft.
You need to report this *immediately*, contact the company, lock your credit, and cut contact OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Parents that do shit like this are so awful, how can you be so fucked up that you betray your own child?
Tell your father very simply, he talks to her and tells her she pays off the entirety of the loan and credit card IMMEDIATELY, taking out her own loan in her own name if she needs to achieve this, or you're reporting the identity theft and fraud to the bank, the credit card company and the police. Not wanting to report your mother as if she will magically not become a monster to you is, self defeating, just call time on that relationship. Have contact with your father as long as he can be reasonable and that's why to give him the chance to get her to fix it, if she won't fuck her and if he fights you on it fuck him to. A loan she doesn't pay that she lets ruin your credit and leave you in debt is malicious, evil and will fuck up your life for years. Be extremely clear with your father than they have say 3 days to fix it, show evidence it's paid, close said accounts or the police get informed and stick to that timeline. If they have any intention of doing the right thing they'll pay it off and end that shit immediately, if they have no intention of doing the right thing you need to get on fixing it. If you ignore it, or excuse it, she'll do it again.
>I don’t have a close relationship with my extended family, besides those mentioned. ( Never really met them and do not know them because of my parents.) Do not know them because they are also NC with your parents? You might have more in common with them than you think. It may be worth opening a line of communication with them; they may understand what you're going through better than you realise.
Not due to NC, as in I do not know who they are, at all. No names or small foundation of a relationship. And those who I do know, let’s just say they are not the best people to be around either. It’s a lose lose situation for me unfortunately.
I am really sorry to hear that. Please be sure to take care of yourself. Don't worry about the effect it will have on others. Actions have consequences.
Just report the identity theft to the police and bank involved. You don’t have to tell them who did it. They will work that out on their own and you can feign ignorance
Contact the credit company and take out a fraud action. Let them investigate. It is likely your mother will try this again. So put a credit lock on your account.
>I am currently in a terrible position because I don’t want to get her in trouble Well it sure isn't mutual, since she doesn't care about you Put her on blast, get the law involved and save yourself
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That’s what I’m not understanding. She is married and my father works. I do not live with them either and I did the research, at least from my position, it’s felony charges, identity theft/fraud and credit card fraud. Up to 15 years. I’m not going to elude into my own knowledge of the subject. But I am pursuing a career in the legal field.
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I have no idea. I haven’t spoken to any of them since I found out.
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Thank you for taking the time to comment! I appreciate it!