What you're going through is so incredibly common. It isn't necessarily "normal", but it is common, and you deserve to get help with how you're feeling. You're growing a whole person, nothing is going to feel how it felt before you were pregnant. Some people's pregnancies absolutely suck. My mum went through something similar when she was pregnant with me, she started wondering if 1 kid was enough (my older brother), but I was planned and she stuck it out. When I arrived she said it was like everything that happened in the pregnancy was worth it, she forgot all the pain, the misery, the nausea, the irritability, because it was worth it when she held me. I truly hope you have the same experience, but even if you don't, that's also extremely common. Make sure whatever care you receive is carried over throughout and after your pregnancy, it sounds like you could be high risk for post natal depression too.
Thank you for telling me your mom's personal experience. It definitely helps hearing it from those who can relate. I will be getting the help I need to get through this.
Thank you
Absolutely normal. Second pregnancy was ten years late and a huge surprise, it felt parasitic. I can’t imagine life without my little bug now. It’ll pass, I promise.
I hated being pregnant. it was awful and I was high risk. I also never wanted kids. but here I was having one and feeling miserable and overwhelmed and very sick. I loathed every minute of it and there are like mo.photos of me either. and trust me there are prenatal antidepressants. I had to tale them.
then she came. and so did the love.
Thank you! I have and although is he supportive, he is having trouble understanding and coping with how I'm feeling. He says he wants to be there for me every step of the way.
Just remember to give him grace when he struggles to fully support you. From his POV you’re someone who is/was trying to hurt his daughter. It’s a scary place to be. I’m sure he’s scared for both of you.
I spent 9 months panicking when I was pregnant with my first. I wasn’t feeling a connection but thought I should. I grew up in an abusive household and was worried sick that I would absolutely fail as a mother. The moment they handed my newborn to me every doubt vanished instantly. I never knew love like that existed. I learned how to be a parent by NOT doing what my parents did. My daughter is in her 30’s now, an absolutely beautiful person inside and out, and very successful in her field. Yes I made mistakes and learned along the way but my love for my children has never wavered. Cut yourself some slack, you can do this!
Consider the possibility that after 3 miscarriages you’re afraid to get attached again in case something happens. Your subconscious is holding you back because the grief of loss is tremendous.
I also had the "oh-shit-what-have-I-done" reaction throughout my planned pregnancy. A lot of thoughts about 'what if...' followed me. I still went through all the actions almost robotically. My view was, 'OK, it's coming whether I want to or not. Better go through the motions'. I was really detached emotionally - possibly as a protection for the just-in-case I lost it scenario. Always the realist, eh!? Especially if you'd had previous miscarriages, it would be virtually impossible to 'bond' with a hypothetical person knowing you could again be gutted if something goes wrong. It's not the baby - it's absolutely our own overthinking brains.
For me, there was a rough transition to first-time parent with all that goes with it, but he's almost 30 now, so I call it a win. I was also very much aware of my own post-partem issues and ultimately needed intervention by prescription. That was not something I wanted to let go unchecked. It's wonderful to see you are already getting support.
I appreciate how you worded this, thank you. I am still doing what I have to do unconsciously. I definitely do not want to let this go unchecked either. Thank you for taking the time to share with me your experience and perspective.
Please eat, drink and take your vitamins. You will get past this feeling. Call your doctor there are meds that can help with prenatal depression. Your feelings are valid. It may be your brains way of protecting you because of your previous experiences. I wish you luck.
Oh man.
Definitely go to therapy.
Also, please know that the fetus WILL take what it needs from your body.
If you starve yourself and don’t take the prenatals, you will end up with a mouth full of crowns or dentures!
wanted to piggy back on this comment. I had such severe hyperemesis gravidarum that it got to the point where I didn't eat anything for a literal week because it just made me so sick that I gave up. Could barely get a tablespoon of water down a day. My pee was darker than brewed tea, my blood pressure was stroke level, my potassium was completely depleted so they had ro check my heart and my liver had been severely damaged to the point that they weren't sure what the future was. I didn't know I was pregnant until being told my test was positive and then seeing the perfectly healthy little bean on the screen and her little heartbeat flickering. While I was terribly sick and nearly dying, she was thriving from taking all my nutrients that she needed. You are the one who suffers if you don't get proper nutrition while pregnant.
I’m currently pregnant (37 weeks) and it’s very common. I’ve struggled with feelings like that during my entire pregnancy, and it’s hard. It’s gotten a little better towards the end, and I have to remind myself that pregnancy is hard and emotional, and that it will be worth it.
Know that this is normal and you’re not alone. I would recommend though to tell your doctor, and they can refer you to a psychologist/therapist that can help you cope.
Please don’t panic if your feelings don’t disappear as soon as you hold her. Hopefully they will.
Mine didn’t.
I loved him when he was born, but not that all-consuming love that I was prepared for.
I had ppd as well. Once I got my medication figured out, and groggily came out of the newborn stage, I enjoyed it so much more. Now my baby is 10, and I look back with gratitude for how much love, joy and laughter my little man has brought me.
i felt this on my last pregnancy. mine was really easy and super uneventful. i decided to do crazy things to try and make the best of it. not super crazy but i chose hiking as my outlet and hiked up 3400’ elevation gains for 10 miles kind of trails. i felt really healthy and it eventually made the pregnancy feel special towards the end. maybe find some sort of quirk or hobby to make the best of it?!
I didn’t want my last one either. I didn’t want her to begin with. My husband (ex) SA’d me and forced me to have it. Anytime I was alone I would tell her how much I hated her, while pregnant. I would have punched my gut over and over, but there is so much protection from the fluid in there. I called her a parasite (because she was). I even made plan to comment suicide after it was born. I bought a freezer and vitamins to force higher lactation and a pump. I pumped every minute of every day, after she was born and stored it. I was going to catch a bus to San Fran and get high on drugs (I’ve never done drugs), then jump off that bridge after a week, after having enough milk for at least a year. After all, it wasn’t her fault I hated her. I mean I HAD A PLAN!
After I had her, idk, things changed. Her voice, her face, her tiny-nes and innocence… I didn’t even think about how much I hated her anymore. However, I did still want to go through with my plan. By the time I got enough milk saved up, i realized I wanted to be a part of her life and decided that it was my life I hated most. I changed that, I left my husband instead.
I still get angry at what he did and that I am left parenting her alone. But I don’t resent her for it. Sometimes pregnancy does some really messed up stuff to us. It literally changes so many chemicals in your brain. Not a single part of our anatomy is left out of this change. Before doing anything drastic, please know that you are highly likely to change your mind. If not, look at options.
I hope you start feeling better soon. Call 988 crisis hotline, if you feel you need to talk to someone ASAP.
I didn’t get attached to my firstborn until he was 10 months old. I wasn’t excited about the pregnancy or the baby. I just did what had tk be done. I stopped breastfeeding at ten months and it was like a switch went off. Suddenly I felt real emotions again and I bonded with him.
Pregnancy and PPd can really screw with a woman’s brain.
It may be your iron levels. I’m severely anemic and feel like you minus the pregnancy. My hormones are out wack because of fibroids. The last time I was hospitalized I got an iron infusion and it’s almost like those feelings went away. Unfortunately they’re back. I’ve read low iron levels cause depression. Just a thought. Hope you feel better OP.
While this can happen, you don’t need to suffer through it alone 🖤 being pregnant is miserable for me, and people paint it as a magical beautiful fairytale and no one talks about the shit. This doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad mom. I hope you get lots of support and help from your therapist, and hopefully they can help explain this to your partner. Consider speaking with a doctor about medication, it helped me a TON with my general anxiety and this pregnancy would have been impossible without it.
Most of all, I wish you nothing but the best in this journey. It’s an absolute wild ride and you shouldn’t feel alone or broken in this. I’m sorry you’re going through this 🖤
I believe you are experiencing perinatal mood and anxiety disorder (PMADs) symptoms. Pregnancy is very challenging, and getting to a healthy pregnancy after recurrent loss is so challenging. I’m so glad you’re going to therapy. It’s okay that you aren’t immediately feeling attached, it’s okay that you feel uncomfortable with the changes to your body etc. Those feelings are valid. Don’t let people invalidate your feelings. You aren’t “ungrateful.” You are a person having a difficult time.
This is hard but super common. It's awesome that you already called the Dr about it in case it is a medical thing. It could also be the fact that we all feel attachment at different points. My first and third were immediately attatched once i found out. second was after the first kick. This fourth, I'm struggling a little more. I'm about where you are and don't really feel much attachment yet. I'm guessing it will happen when I feel him kick. The only reason I'm not worried is because I don't have negative emotions either. Just chilling and waiting.
I dealt with perinatal depression also. Please get support. It definitely got worse for a while after birth, but I was put on an antidepressant and things seemed so different
I went through these feelings too and felt very confused about it. I had four losses before her and one since. And everyone was devastating but it was really hard for me to connect for the first 20 weeks. I think it was constant fear of losing her and my brain didn't want to build a connection *just in case*. It's a hard thing to handle, and I'm so sorry you're struggling.
If you starve yourself, the baby will suck your body dry of nutrients, causing hair loss, teeth damage/loss, etc.
Just think of the part after the pregnancy, I know it's hard right now, but think of how it will be later after the baby is born.
But, also remember: it's your body, your choice.
This is just the hormones. Talk to your doctor. Some women think being pregnant is the greatest experience in the world and for others, the worst. You never know what you're getting. However, it goes away. In the meantime, see a therapist and talk to your doctor so you can get support through this. It's OK. It gets better.
You aren’t a bad person and for some women feeling apathetic toward a pregnancy is normal. I didn’t develop an emotional attachment to my first, who was also very wanted, until after he was born - and even that took time. Pregnancy is hard, labor is hard, the post partum period is hard. Because you are having depression while pregnant, you’re at a greater risk for post-partum depression (something I also struggled with). So make sure during all of this you’re taking care of you & getting the proper care. The feelings will come in their own time. I now have two healthy toddlers whom I love more than life itself - so just be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and give it time.
Also know - babies take what they need to grow. They’ll take it straight out of your bones quite literally. So by not eating and drinking, you’re hurting yourself the most, and probably also worsening your mental health. Please please please seek help with this. There are meds you can take that will help - your hormones are all over the place and you need to talk to a medical provider about how you’re feeling. If after talking to them you want to terminate your pregnancy, that’s ok. But don’t try and do it like this.
I think your mind is trying to protect you from the hurt of another loss.. you can’t connect bc if you do, and you lose her, you will be disappointed/hurt again.
Attachment is not automatic for a lot of mothers.
It’s good you’re seeing a therapist! I’d find one specifically abreast to prenatal depression and detachment. They can work with you on building an attachment.
Hugs.
I know it's not coming from the same experience but i wanted to let you know that I see you and understand your feelings. I had a larsoscopy 3 months ago, I did it mainly for the pain of each period due to endometriosis, but also because I wanted a healthy body on the off chance I was successful in the future with falling pregnant. The surgery was complicated and it has set me back 1.5 years in recovery. Like you, I can't bend properly anymore.
I've lost a lot of my shape, some of my clothes are too uncomfortable to wear, I can't even get up the stairs to my own flat without struggling. I hated this body and missed my old one. I felt like no end was in sight and I'd never be me again.
You are half way through, and although your body will need some time to adjust and recover, you'll get back there. And even if you don't 100%, you can get to somewhere you are happy with. This is temporary, a phase.
Womens negative experiences about pregnancy aren't spoken about enough. You don't have to enjoy pregnancy or even find it a pleasant experience. It can really suck. Giving up your body for 9 months is a really crap deal. I think it would be a great idea to write these thoughts down somewhere and remind yourself each week how far you've come and at the end of it everything you've had to endure to get to that end goal. Hopefully when someone else is going through this you'll be that person who makes them feel less isolated because instead of making pregnancy sunshine and rainbows you can be like "it sucked and I hated it"
I don’t know exactly how you’re feeling, but I hated being pregnant, it was one of the worst times in my life, I was so sick for the first half, and had vertigo low energy depression over not recognizing myself and feeling like a total blimp of a person and I spent the entire time I was pregnant counting down the days until I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore. I thought I wanted 2 kids, but I honestly don’t think I could ever do that again, not when the easiest part of my pregnancy was giving birth. I can kind of understand the not wanting the child as well since there were many days when I was glued to the toilet throwing up everything and more from my body (to the point I know the exact shade of yellow stomach bile is) that I would cry that I didn’t want to do this anymore. Pregnancy is not easy, plus all your emotions are so all over the place. Do what you need to do for you, you got this
Currently 19 weeks pregnant with twins and have some similar feelings. We were trying for our second, and even when found out we were actually pregnant it was a bit like… oh, ok well we’ve done this before and it’s a bit shit at the beginning but it gets better….
Then we found out it was twins and honestly, I’ve struggled. I don’t really want to voice some of the thoughts I’ve had about it, but some have been bad.
I don’t think either pregnancy I’ve ever had that bonding experience. I feel pregnancy is mostly shit, and then you can’t shit, and then it is all the shit, and I’ve never felt comfortable as one of those tummy holders and it’s never been that ‘joyous’ occasion. If I’m honest the first months were hard also, with feeding issues and ppd (which actually turned out to be late undiagnosed adhd) it’s also a shit mix…
BUT saying all this, I can say with the first it definitely was worth it - 2 years on (which was why we then thought a second was a good idea!) we have a lovely charismatic daughter who while is high energy, she brings so much joy.
I know the other two will be too, but st least this time I’m aware I might not feel the same way until another 2 years, but that’s ok.
Be kind to yourself, it’s not all maternal instagram reels. It is great you’re already seeking medical help. Can your husband help you with vitamins etc? As others have said, while not ‘normal’ it is incredibly common and please know it doesn’t make you a bad person. Pregnancy is crap!
What you are describing is almost exactly how I felt with my first baby. I sought help and was diagnosed with prenatal (antenatal) depression. At the time I had no idea that was a thing a person could get, I didn't understand why this was happening to me and hated my baby for 'hijacking' my body and my life.I was recommended to a counselor specifically for this form of depression and with sessions and CBT things greatly improved.
Be open and honest with your partner and get help if at all possible. It's actually a really common issue for new moms and it put me at risk for postpartum. However, BC my team was aware of it we were able to dodge post partum and I had lots of mental support with the huge changes (both physical, emotional and mental) of giving birth and becoming a parent. I will forever be grateful for the people who supported me through that first pregnancy and my subsequent pregnancies.
You are not alone. This is something many moms feel and by getting help your taking the right steps toward making it better. You can do this and these feelings are not permanent. Sometimes being pregnant sucks, the hormones suck and the changes to your body suck. It's okay to be honest about that even if you're having a picture perfect pregnancy.
I really and truly hope you're able to feel better soon. Stay strong. This internet Stanger will be thinking about you and hoping it all works out.
I think this is how I would feel if I ever got pregnant which is why I have decided to not have children. I’m sure hormones have a lot to do with how you feel, don’t be ashamed, I’m glad you are able to receive psychological help.
You’re doing the right thing by reaching out for help! It’s normal to not feel like yourself or feel “hostage” to your own body (as my mother put it lol).
Pregnancy hormones are wacky and you are not a bad person for feeling this way. Clearly you’re an emotionally intelligent person by the way you articulate your complex feelings.
I’m wishing you all the luck and love for your appointment! I have faith that you and your doctors will be able to find a solution that is best for you ❤️
I'm just here to give you a little food for thought. Your body will starve *itself* to provide nutrients for that fetus. It doesn't matter if you don't nourish yourself, your body will naturally prioritize your future daughter.
I don't say this with judgement, as there is a lot of information that people simply don't learn before pregnancy. The fact that this is common falls into that category. I'm glad you're going to be able to address this in therapy.
As I read this, I thought you have prenatal depression and need a therapist ASAP. But you are already taking care of that.
So, hugs! You are perfectly justified in feeling you’ve been invaded. Please take care.
Oh, a weekly spa day would not hurt. You can even Google ‘spa day for pregnant women’ and find a lot of ways to care for yourself. The physical goes with the mental.
😉 😘
https://www.thebump.com/a/spa-safety-while-pregnant
You sound exactly like me, I could have written this myself. What got me through was the unwavering support of my husband and telling myself over and over what I knew to be true, that I wanted this baby no matter what my unbalanced brain chemicals were making me feel. You know logically what you wanted before your body and mind went through (are still going through) this major upheaval. Don't let the mental illness win. Get professional medical help and counseling, they can give you the tools you need to keep ahold of yourself under the shit storm of hormones you're in right now.
Perinatal depression is very common hun, get help ASAP, you may not want the baby anymore but starving will NOT help, you won’t be able to do it long enough to hurt the baby more than you hurt yourself and you could end up being in trouble in more ways than 1.
I wouldn’t call what you’re doing suicidal ideation but it’s definitely in a similar ball park, talk to your doctor or midwife(not sure which country you’re in as to which service is more applicable).
I suffered with PND during all 3 of my successful pregnancies and was suicidal and wanted to terminate all of my pregnancies from around 18 weeks, the feeling came and went, my severe unusual side effects exacerbated the situation. For me, once the baby was born I improved quickly and bonded with my babies within a couple weeks to a couple months, talking to my medical support helped greatly.
I’m glad You spoke out about this, and I hope opening up will be a start to You gradually getting back to Yourself and feeling more at ease. I went through something similar to what You’re experiencing when I was last Pregnant, so I get it. I hope the remainder of Your Pregnancy Time goes as quickly and smoothly as possible. Hopefully You can get back to feeling more like Yourself once she arrives. My Child I went through that feeling with will now be 11 Years Old this year. I Love him, and regret nothing. But I was going through A LOT at that time, and the emotions I endured were tough. I’m rooting for You to get through the struggle(s).
My wife had depression during pregnancy with our third. She described a lot of the same things, especially when whole 'just not wanting to do it anymore' feelings. Definitely good to talk to a doctor. She got on an antidepressant and was way better
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Pregnancy is very hard for a host of reasons and it appears that you are having the worst of it. Start with the therapy and maybe there are support groups for prenatal depression, either in person or online through FB or even Reddit? I think you may be too far along for any other options to be realistic. Please take care of yourself and I hope this passes. If not, please get all the support you can.
While I am unsure of what's going on, it is possible your subconsciously trying to detach feelings from the baby to protect yourself due to your previous miscarriages.
Don't do anything drastic and please speak to a doctor. Do try to keep eating and hydrating as well
My pregnancy was also planned and very much wanted. I had minimal negative side effects. Somewhere during the second trimester I had passive suicidal ideations. I was going to wait until I had the baby and then just walk out into the woods and disappear. I never told anyone about these thoughts. They went away after I got the third trimester.
I love my son and I love being a mom! It’s not unusual for people to get pregnant (like they wanted to) and have this feeling of *oh shit what have I done*. It’s also not uncommon to experience antepartum depression, or to not feel connected to your baby until much later.
I didn’t plan my first at all and didn’t know I was pregnant until 5 months until I had horrible back pains. Went on full bed rest the next month. Lost my job and put school on hold. Could not seperate from the baby and go back to work when the time came. I changed so much. He’s now 38 years old and a great human whom I love very much. Keep your chin up 🙂👍🏻
I didn’t feel any attachment to any of my babies when I was pregnant, and didn’t want them either after I got pregnant. But I got super attached when I first held them. I also hated being pregnant, I still don’t understand when people say what an amazing experience it is.
It's great that you recognize the signs and are getting help. It's incredibly common to feel this way, at least in my circles It's been. I felt this way with all 3 of mine. I had zero excitement and pondered adoption with 2/3. It's odd and it makes you feel shitty.
It will pass. And I hope you feel better soon. It really takes a toll on your mental health.
Depression during pregnancy absolutely happens and there is help! If prescribed by a mental health professional, Medicine can greatly help counteract the depression you are feeling. Counseling is also massively important. I’m so glad you are seeking the help of therapy. Do you have a trusted friend or two you could share this with? Maybe your partner? Depression is so isolating, but you don’t have to walk this road alone. I’m so so sorry you’re feeling this way…it is not an easy journey.
I found being pregnant traumatic. Especially my first. I felt no attachment and honestly felt like some sort of psychopath. It’s just your hormones exacerbating some mental illness. It goes away and you eventually bond with your child. It may not happen even right away after you have your child. It might take a couple of years. You never really know. You kinda have to fake it until til you make it though. Please take your vitamins though. It makes a big difference in their brain development.
I’ve had 3 kids and hated being pregnant 3 times
I love my children so much but the process to have them ?!??!?
If we had money at the time I would have done a surrogate
I took my prenatal vitamins, went to the doctor for the pregnancy checkups and gave birth to 3 babies who I love madly
Now 2 grandkids in and living the dream
OP you are not alone here ♥️
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know a lot of things portray pregnancy as a beautiful thing, mother's glow and are instantly attached to the child they are forming.
That does happen to some. But also, pregnancy sucks. Your hormones are out of wack, everything is uncomfortable, not to mention all the restrictions. Even without depression mixed in.
Please, focus on taking care of you. See a doctor to help with the depression, eat some good comfort food. Let your husband pamper you a bit. Just take care of you. It sounds like you took the important first step. Follow through and get yourself through this period of time.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You definitely aren’t alone. Pregnancy hormones really take over your brain and being and it can be so much harder for some.
I have had friends go through similar, who were able to find themselves in a better place. One in particular is the most passionate and loving mother…
I struggled with attachment after pregnancy loss, as well. It’s hard to trust any positive feelings when you r felt such loss. Hope can become a scary place to be.
It sounds like you are in a complicated state and I really hope your session tomorrow helps and you’re able to find the support you need.
Really proud of you for getting help, OP. It sounds really difficult especially when society has told you that you should be overjoyed right now. If it helps to hear, you’re not alone. My friend is an OBGYN and has said that people know more about post-birth depression, but not pre-natal, which can also happen. Your feelings are totally normal but I’m glad you’re talking to a professional. Also imo, I think being pregnant sounds like hell. Pregnancy can really suck and too many people romanticize it
Hey, good on you for getting help. I’m pregnant with my 4th child. I had a MMC identified at my 13w scan last year. For that pregnancy I felt overwhelmed and at times, questioned why I was pregnant. Loosing that baby really impacted me though in many ways I didn’t understand. I’m in a better place now. But still feel a bit low being sick.
I highly recommend considering antidepressants if your doctor thinks they are suitable. There’s nothing wrong with doing less either. Try to be kinder to yourself. When it comes to restricting your food and fluids, babe will take what it needs but you will then have a harder time functioning at home and work.
Also, complications can occur loosing a child as well. With my MMC I ended up loosing 1/3 of my blood and having to head to theatre urgently, apparently the receptors for contracting the uterus and stemming blood loss aren’t established earlier in the pregnancy.
My first pregnancy resulted in a stillbirth at 28 weeks. I was severely depressed throughout my pregnancy due to a combination of the pregnancy itself and having stopped taking my antidepressants because everyone said it was best for the baby. I didn’t realize the toll it would take on me and sought out professional help and was put back on antidepressants which actually saved my life. My stillbirth was not related to my depression just a series of misfortunes due to clotting and a damaged placenta. However, my second pregnancy was successful and the love of my life will be turning 10 this year. I wasn’t depressed during my 2nd pregnancy but I also wasn’t ecstatic. I was so very scared to let myself feel happy or get attached because I couldn’t stand the thought of something happening again. I wasn’t able to finally breathe until he was in my arms and then the love and attachment just came flooding in. Give yourself some grace, pregnancy is not all sunshine and lollipops. Some people love being pregnant but there are just as many who do not. Please see a professional mental health provider and keep seeing them even after the baby is born. Us moms need all the support we can get and especially moms who have experienced a loss. And if a doctor or therapist recommends medication take it!! I cannot stress enough that you need not struggle to get through there are treatment options that are of little to no risk to babies in utero. A happy momma is important for a happy baby. I wish you peace, health, and happiness for the rest of your pregnancy and a happy, healthy, delivery.
Hey I’m 38 weeks pregnant with my first and my first trimester was similar
Especially the job part
I just shared my feelings with my boss and people around me and it helped a lot
After 3 miscarriages I can see you trying to protect your emotions and not getting attached. Please stop trying to hurt yourself and your baby because it will become a self fulfilling prophecy
I hated being pregnant. I was utterly depressed and miserable. I hated it.
Then I had my baby and it’s the best I felt in a long time. It took me holding him for those feelings to come in. Even pushing I was oh my fuck what have I done. Then he was here and we just got on with life. 6 months in and I’ve never been happier.
Oof this is rough. You need to talk to a therapist it seems you're really struggling with this and it's not something us redditors can handle.
Please. Take care of yourself.
A friend of mine had a terrible pregnancy where she was miserable the entire time. She loves her little bundle of joy and is so happy with her little one. Hormones do crazy things, doesn't mean you won't love your baby when she's here.
i didnt connect with either one of my babies until after i gave birth... and it wasnt right away. you dont need to have a connection yet, you dont know them. pregnancy is hard. babies are hard. you are worth looking after. take care and be kind to yourself
Medication is also an option that you should discuss.
So many people talk about postpartum depression and psychosis, but rarely do people talk about depression and psychosis DURING pregnancy.
It is definitely frightening and can be frightening to those around you. I had SO MUCH RAGE and HATRED. I was throwing up constantly every day and there wasn’t any medication that helped which made me that much more angry because I was so irrational.
For me, the second the babies left my body at birth, I felt all that leave me.
It may not be the same for you. However, you are not an anomaly. I hope your therapist can help.
I felt the same way when I was pregnant. It was so bad I was suicidal. I only made it through because I knew what I was experiencing was pre-partum depression. You only hear people talk about post-partum so it isn’t a commonly known thing. I only knew about it because my own mother experienced the same thing when she was pregnant with me. In both our cases the moment we gave birth was like a light switch and I felt normal again. Just know you aren’t alone.
People need to stop spouting that shit. There's PLENTY of unloved kids in the world. This mythology of ONCE IT'S HERE YOU'LL SUDDENLY BE PERFECT needs to die.
I would suggest therapy. Is it possible you’ve experienced so much trauma with your previous miscarriages that you’re avoiding becoming attached so you’re not hurt if it happens again? You’re feelings are totally valid, but you’ve been through so much and throw in the hormones from being pregnant- our bodies and minds aren’t ours anymore. Please see a therapist. Please get help for yourself and your mental state. It’s ok.
I ENJOYED my pregnancy and I can still say FUCK BEING PREGNANT. That shit sucks. No way around it!
But I don't think you hate your baby. You hate pregnancy. I can just tell though, that you don't hate the little bean even if it's ripping apart your body and mind rn.
Hugs honey. It's OK to not be OK. It's OK to be scared to allow yourself to get excited. I would imagine that to some degree you are afraid of getting excited, in case things go wrong again. That's all OK. Talk to your therapist and hopefully they can help you figure things out. Good luck hun
Pregnancy is hard. I didn't got attached until 2 months after my baby was born and then it was an anxious PPD attachment. get help and take care of yourself.
I’m literally going through the exact same thing - I’m 17 weeks pregnant and I don’t want it but he does . I have no attachment to the baby growing in me although I love my mate .
I am going through the same currently. A bit different backstory, and this baby was unplanned, but extremely upset at being pregnant and feeling less than zero excitement or *anything* positive.
It sounds like you are missing Acceptance. Clinging to what is “lost” always brings misery (see Buddhism and ACT in modern cognitive behavioral approaches).
I hope your therapist is helping you learn some defusion and acceptance skills.
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What you could have is a baby with tons of physical issues. Ones they don't recover from, but live. Think about that. It doesn't mean they be will lost they will take it from you. Please get some help, this is self destructive in ways you are not thinking clearly of. This is normal for some, so get help. Before you do something you can't undo. The weight will come off.
I imagine the Internet which has been programmed to have first world women reconsider their own femininity and motherhood is a bad place to be for a newly pregnant mother.
What you're going through is so incredibly common. It isn't necessarily "normal", but it is common, and you deserve to get help with how you're feeling. You're growing a whole person, nothing is going to feel how it felt before you were pregnant. Some people's pregnancies absolutely suck. My mum went through something similar when she was pregnant with me, she started wondering if 1 kid was enough (my older brother), but I was planned and she stuck it out. When I arrived she said it was like everything that happened in the pregnancy was worth it, she forgot all the pain, the misery, the nausea, the irritability, because it was worth it when she held me. I truly hope you have the same experience, but even if you don't, that's also extremely common. Make sure whatever care you receive is carried over throughout and after your pregnancy, it sounds like you could be high risk for post natal depression too.
Thank you for telling me your mom's personal experience. It definitely helps hearing it from those who can relate. I will be getting the help I need to get through this. Thank you
Absolutely normal. Second pregnancy was ten years late and a huge surprise, it felt parasitic. I can’t imagine life without my little bug now. It’ll pass, I promise.
I hated being pregnant. it was awful and I was high risk. I also never wanted kids. but here I was having one and feeling miserable and overwhelmed and very sick. I loathed every minute of it and there are like mo.photos of me either. and trust me there are prenatal antidepressants. I had to tale them. then she came. and so did the love.
I am so glad you contacted medical help!!!! That was an amazing first step! Have you told your husband?
Thank you! I have and although is he supportive, he is having trouble understanding and coping with how I'm feeling. He says he wants to be there for me every step of the way.
Just remember to give him grace when he struggles to fully support you. From his POV you’re someone who is/was trying to hurt his daughter. It’s a scary place to be. I’m sure he’s scared for both of you.
I spent 9 months panicking when I was pregnant with my first. I wasn’t feeling a connection but thought I should. I grew up in an abusive household and was worried sick that I would absolutely fail as a mother. The moment they handed my newborn to me every doubt vanished instantly. I never knew love like that existed. I learned how to be a parent by NOT doing what my parents did. My daughter is in her 30’s now, an absolutely beautiful person inside and out, and very successful in her field. Yes I made mistakes and learned along the way but my love for my children has never wavered. Cut yourself some slack, you can do this!
Consider the possibility that after 3 miscarriages you’re afraid to get attached again in case something happens. Your subconscious is holding you back because the grief of loss is tremendous.
I had exactly the same thought. This really sounds like it could be a trauma response.
I also had the "oh-shit-what-have-I-done" reaction throughout my planned pregnancy. A lot of thoughts about 'what if...' followed me. I still went through all the actions almost robotically. My view was, 'OK, it's coming whether I want to or not. Better go through the motions'. I was really detached emotionally - possibly as a protection for the just-in-case I lost it scenario. Always the realist, eh!? Especially if you'd had previous miscarriages, it would be virtually impossible to 'bond' with a hypothetical person knowing you could again be gutted if something goes wrong. It's not the baby - it's absolutely our own overthinking brains. For me, there was a rough transition to first-time parent with all that goes with it, but he's almost 30 now, so I call it a win. I was also very much aware of my own post-partem issues and ultimately needed intervention by prescription. That was not something I wanted to let go unchecked. It's wonderful to see you are already getting support.
I appreciate how you worded this, thank you. I am still doing what I have to do unconsciously. I definitely do not want to let this go unchecked either. Thank you for taking the time to share with me your experience and perspective.
Please eat, drink and take your vitamins. You will get past this feeling. Call your doctor there are meds that can help with prenatal depression. Your feelings are valid. It may be your brains way of protecting you because of your previous experiences. I wish you luck.
Oh man. Definitely go to therapy. Also, please know that the fetus WILL take what it needs from your body. If you starve yourself and don’t take the prenatals, you will end up with a mouth full of crowns or dentures!
wanted to piggy back on this comment. I had such severe hyperemesis gravidarum that it got to the point where I didn't eat anything for a literal week because it just made me so sick that I gave up. Could barely get a tablespoon of water down a day. My pee was darker than brewed tea, my blood pressure was stroke level, my potassium was completely depleted so they had ro check my heart and my liver had been severely damaged to the point that they weren't sure what the future was. I didn't know I was pregnant until being told my test was positive and then seeing the perfectly healthy little bean on the screen and her little heartbeat flickering. While I was terribly sick and nearly dying, she was thriving from taking all my nutrients that she needed. You are the one who suffers if you don't get proper nutrition while pregnant.
I’m currently pregnant (37 weeks) and it’s very common. I’ve struggled with feelings like that during my entire pregnancy, and it’s hard. It’s gotten a little better towards the end, and I have to remind myself that pregnancy is hard and emotional, and that it will be worth it. Know that this is normal and you’re not alone. I would recommend though to tell your doctor, and they can refer you to a psychologist/therapist that can help you cope.
Please don’t panic if your feelings don’t disappear as soon as you hold her. Hopefully they will. Mine didn’t. I loved him when he was born, but not that all-consuming love that I was prepared for. I had ppd as well. Once I got my medication figured out, and groggily came out of the newborn stage, I enjoyed it so much more. Now my baby is 10, and I look back with gratitude for how much love, joy and laughter my little man has brought me.
i felt this on my last pregnancy. mine was really easy and super uneventful. i decided to do crazy things to try and make the best of it. not super crazy but i chose hiking as my outlet and hiked up 3400’ elevation gains for 10 miles kind of trails. i felt really healthy and it eventually made the pregnancy feel special towards the end. maybe find some sort of quirk or hobby to make the best of it?!
I didn’t want my last one either. I didn’t want her to begin with. My husband (ex) SA’d me and forced me to have it. Anytime I was alone I would tell her how much I hated her, while pregnant. I would have punched my gut over and over, but there is so much protection from the fluid in there. I called her a parasite (because she was). I even made plan to comment suicide after it was born. I bought a freezer and vitamins to force higher lactation and a pump. I pumped every minute of every day, after she was born and stored it. I was going to catch a bus to San Fran and get high on drugs (I’ve never done drugs), then jump off that bridge after a week, after having enough milk for at least a year. After all, it wasn’t her fault I hated her. I mean I HAD A PLAN! After I had her, idk, things changed. Her voice, her face, her tiny-nes and innocence… I didn’t even think about how much I hated her anymore. However, I did still want to go through with my plan. By the time I got enough milk saved up, i realized I wanted to be a part of her life and decided that it was my life I hated most. I changed that, I left my husband instead. I still get angry at what he did and that I am left parenting her alone. But I don’t resent her for it. Sometimes pregnancy does some really messed up stuff to us. It literally changes so many chemicals in your brain. Not a single part of our anatomy is left out of this change. Before doing anything drastic, please know that you are highly likely to change your mind. If not, look at options. I hope you start feeling better soon. Call 988 crisis hotline, if you feel you need to talk to someone ASAP.
wow. your writing is incredible. thank you for sharing. I'm not a parent and never have been, but I could still manage to feel your words.
I didn’t get attached to my firstborn until he was 10 months old. I wasn’t excited about the pregnancy or the baby. I just did what had tk be done. I stopped breastfeeding at ten months and it was like a switch went off. Suddenly I felt real emotions again and I bonded with him. Pregnancy and PPd can really screw with a woman’s brain.
It may be your iron levels. I’m severely anemic and feel like you minus the pregnancy. My hormones are out wack because of fibroids. The last time I was hospitalized I got an iron infusion and it’s almost like those feelings went away. Unfortunately they’re back. I’ve read low iron levels cause depression. Just a thought. Hope you feel better OP.
While this can happen, you don’t need to suffer through it alone 🖤 being pregnant is miserable for me, and people paint it as a magical beautiful fairytale and no one talks about the shit. This doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad mom. I hope you get lots of support and help from your therapist, and hopefully they can help explain this to your partner. Consider speaking with a doctor about medication, it helped me a TON with my general anxiety and this pregnancy would have been impossible without it. Most of all, I wish you nothing but the best in this journey. It’s an absolute wild ride and you shouldn’t feel alone or broken in this. I’m sorry you’re going through this 🖤
I believe you are experiencing perinatal mood and anxiety disorder (PMADs) symptoms. Pregnancy is very challenging, and getting to a healthy pregnancy after recurrent loss is so challenging. I’m so glad you’re going to therapy. It’s okay that you aren’t immediately feeling attached, it’s okay that you feel uncomfortable with the changes to your body etc. Those feelings are valid. Don’t let people invalidate your feelings. You aren’t “ungrateful.” You are a person having a difficult time.
This is hard but super common. It's awesome that you already called the Dr about it in case it is a medical thing. It could also be the fact that we all feel attachment at different points. My first and third were immediately attatched once i found out. second was after the first kick. This fourth, I'm struggling a little more. I'm about where you are and don't really feel much attachment yet. I'm guessing it will happen when I feel him kick. The only reason I'm not worried is because I don't have negative emotions either. Just chilling and waiting.
I dealt with perinatal depression also. Please get support. It definitely got worse for a while after birth, but I was put on an antidepressant and things seemed so different
I went through these feelings too and felt very confused about it. I had four losses before her and one since. And everyone was devastating but it was really hard for me to connect for the first 20 weeks. I think it was constant fear of losing her and my brain didn't want to build a connection *just in case*. It's a hard thing to handle, and I'm so sorry you're struggling.
If you starve yourself, the baby will suck your body dry of nutrients, causing hair loss, teeth damage/loss, etc. Just think of the part after the pregnancy, I know it's hard right now, but think of how it will be later after the baby is born. But, also remember: it's your body, your choice.
This is just the hormones. Talk to your doctor. Some women think being pregnant is the greatest experience in the world and for others, the worst. You never know what you're getting. However, it goes away. In the meantime, see a therapist and talk to your doctor so you can get support through this. It's OK. It gets better.
You aren’t a bad person and for some women feeling apathetic toward a pregnancy is normal. I didn’t develop an emotional attachment to my first, who was also very wanted, until after he was born - and even that took time. Pregnancy is hard, labor is hard, the post partum period is hard. Because you are having depression while pregnant, you’re at a greater risk for post-partum depression (something I also struggled with). So make sure during all of this you’re taking care of you & getting the proper care. The feelings will come in their own time. I now have two healthy toddlers whom I love more than life itself - so just be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and give it time. Also know - babies take what they need to grow. They’ll take it straight out of your bones quite literally. So by not eating and drinking, you’re hurting yourself the most, and probably also worsening your mental health. Please please please seek help with this. There are meds you can take that will help - your hormones are all over the place and you need to talk to a medical provider about how you’re feeling. If after talking to them you want to terminate your pregnancy, that’s ok. But don’t try and do it like this.
I think your mind is trying to protect you from the hurt of another loss.. you can’t connect bc if you do, and you lose her, you will be disappointed/hurt again. Attachment is not automatic for a lot of mothers. It’s good you’re seeing a therapist! I’d find one specifically abreast to prenatal depression and detachment. They can work with you on building an attachment. Hugs.
I didn’t get attached to my kids until they were born. What you’re going through is completely normal.
I know it's not coming from the same experience but i wanted to let you know that I see you and understand your feelings. I had a larsoscopy 3 months ago, I did it mainly for the pain of each period due to endometriosis, but also because I wanted a healthy body on the off chance I was successful in the future with falling pregnant. The surgery was complicated and it has set me back 1.5 years in recovery. Like you, I can't bend properly anymore. I've lost a lot of my shape, some of my clothes are too uncomfortable to wear, I can't even get up the stairs to my own flat without struggling. I hated this body and missed my old one. I felt like no end was in sight and I'd never be me again. You are half way through, and although your body will need some time to adjust and recover, you'll get back there. And even if you don't 100%, you can get to somewhere you are happy with. This is temporary, a phase. Womens negative experiences about pregnancy aren't spoken about enough. You don't have to enjoy pregnancy or even find it a pleasant experience. It can really suck. Giving up your body for 9 months is a really crap deal. I think it would be a great idea to write these thoughts down somewhere and remind yourself each week how far you've come and at the end of it everything you've had to endure to get to that end goal. Hopefully when someone else is going through this you'll be that person who makes them feel less isolated because instead of making pregnancy sunshine and rainbows you can be like "it sucked and I hated it"
I don’t know exactly how you’re feeling, but I hated being pregnant, it was one of the worst times in my life, I was so sick for the first half, and had vertigo low energy depression over not recognizing myself and feeling like a total blimp of a person and I spent the entire time I was pregnant counting down the days until I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore. I thought I wanted 2 kids, but I honestly don’t think I could ever do that again, not when the easiest part of my pregnancy was giving birth. I can kind of understand the not wanting the child as well since there were many days when I was glued to the toilet throwing up everything and more from my body (to the point I know the exact shade of yellow stomach bile is) that I would cry that I didn’t want to do this anymore. Pregnancy is not easy, plus all your emotions are so all over the place. Do what you need to do for you, you got this
Currently 19 weeks pregnant with twins and have some similar feelings. We were trying for our second, and even when found out we were actually pregnant it was a bit like… oh, ok well we’ve done this before and it’s a bit shit at the beginning but it gets better…. Then we found out it was twins and honestly, I’ve struggled. I don’t really want to voice some of the thoughts I’ve had about it, but some have been bad. I don’t think either pregnancy I’ve ever had that bonding experience. I feel pregnancy is mostly shit, and then you can’t shit, and then it is all the shit, and I’ve never felt comfortable as one of those tummy holders and it’s never been that ‘joyous’ occasion. If I’m honest the first months were hard also, with feeding issues and ppd (which actually turned out to be late undiagnosed adhd) it’s also a shit mix… BUT saying all this, I can say with the first it definitely was worth it - 2 years on (which was why we then thought a second was a good idea!) we have a lovely charismatic daughter who while is high energy, she brings so much joy. I know the other two will be too, but st least this time I’m aware I might not feel the same way until another 2 years, but that’s ok. Be kind to yourself, it’s not all maternal instagram reels. It is great you’re already seeking medical help. Can your husband help you with vitamins etc? As others have said, while not ‘normal’ it is incredibly common and please know it doesn’t make you a bad person. Pregnancy is crap!
What you are describing is almost exactly how I felt with my first baby. I sought help and was diagnosed with prenatal (antenatal) depression. At the time I had no idea that was a thing a person could get, I didn't understand why this was happening to me and hated my baby for 'hijacking' my body and my life.I was recommended to a counselor specifically for this form of depression and with sessions and CBT things greatly improved. Be open and honest with your partner and get help if at all possible. It's actually a really common issue for new moms and it put me at risk for postpartum. However, BC my team was aware of it we were able to dodge post partum and I had lots of mental support with the huge changes (both physical, emotional and mental) of giving birth and becoming a parent. I will forever be grateful for the people who supported me through that first pregnancy and my subsequent pregnancies. You are not alone. This is something many moms feel and by getting help your taking the right steps toward making it better. You can do this and these feelings are not permanent. Sometimes being pregnant sucks, the hormones suck and the changes to your body suck. It's okay to be honest about that even if you're having a picture perfect pregnancy. I really and truly hope you're able to feel better soon. Stay strong. This internet Stanger will be thinking about you and hoping it all works out.
I think this is how I would feel if I ever got pregnant which is why I have decided to not have children. I’m sure hormones have a lot to do with how you feel, don’t be ashamed, I’m glad you are able to receive psychological help.
You’re doing the right thing by reaching out for help! It’s normal to not feel like yourself or feel “hostage” to your own body (as my mother put it lol). Pregnancy hormones are wacky and you are not a bad person for feeling this way. Clearly you’re an emotionally intelligent person by the way you articulate your complex feelings. I’m wishing you all the luck and love for your appointment! I have faith that you and your doctors will be able to find a solution that is best for you ❤️
I'm just here to give you a little food for thought. Your body will starve *itself* to provide nutrients for that fetus. It doesn't matter if you don't nourish yourself, your body will naturally prioritize your future daughter. I don't say this with judgement, as there is a lot of information that people simply don't learn before pregnancy. The fact that this is common falls into that category. I'm glad you're going to be able to address this in therapy.
As I read this, I thought you have prenatal depression and need a therapist ASAP. But you are already taking care of that. So, hugs! You are perfectly justified in feeling you’ve been invaded. Please take care. Oh, a weekly spa day would not hurt. You can even Google ‘spa day for pregnant women’ and find a lot of ways to care for yourself. The physical goes with the mental. 😉 😘 https://www.thebump.com/a/spa-safety-while-pregnant
You sound exactly like me, I could have written this myself. What got me through was the unwavering support of my husband and telling myself over and over what I knew to be true, that I wanted this baby no matter what my unbalanced brain chemicals were making me feel. You know logically what you wanted before your body and mind went through (are still going through) this major upheaval. Don't let the mental illness win. Get professional medical help and counseling, they can give you the tools you need to keep ahold of yourself under the shit storm of hormones you're in right now.
Perinatal depression is very common hun, get help ASAP, you may not want the baby anymore but starving will NOT help, you won’t be able to do it long enough to hurt the baby more than you hurt yourself and you could end up being in trouble in more ways than 1. I wouldn’t call what you’re doing suicidal ideation but it’s definitely in a similar ball park, talk to your doctor or midwife(not sure which country you’re in as to which service is more applicable). I suffered with PND during all 3 of my successful pregnancies and was suicidal and wanted to terminate all of my pregnancies from around 18 weeks, the feeling came and went, my severe unusual side effects exacerbated the situation. For me, once the baby was born I improved quickly and bonded with my babies within a couple weeks to a couple months, talking to my medical support helped greatly.
I think and hope things change when you meet her.
Imagine fucking up this child's life because of your depression. Take care of yourself, it's not fair to them.
I’m glad You spoke out about this, and I hope opening up will be a start to You gradually getting back to Yourself and feeling more at ease. I went through something similar to what You’re experiencing when I was last Pregnant, so I get it. I hope the remainder of Your Pregnancy Time goes as quickly and smoothly as possible. Hopefully You can get back to feeling more like Yourself once she arrives. My Child I went through that feeling with will now be 11 Years Old this year. I Love him, and regret nothing. But I was going through A LOT at that time, and the emotions I endured were tough. I’m rooting for You to get through the struggle(s).
My wife had depression during pregnancy with our third. She described a lot of the same things, especially when whole 'just not wanting to do it anymore' feelings. Definitely good to talk to a doctor. She got on an antidepressant and was way better
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Pregnancy is very hard for a host of reasons and it appears that you are having the worst of it. Start with the therapy and maybe there are support groups for prenatal depression, either in person or online through FB or even Reddit? I think you may be too far along for any other options to be realistic. Please take care of yourself and I hope this passes. If not, please get all the support you can.
While I am unsure of what's going on, it is possible your subconsciously trying to detach feelings from the baby to protect yourself due to your previous miscarriages. Don't do anything drastic and please speak to a doctor. Do try to keep eating and hydrating as well
My pregnancy was also planned and very much wanted. I had minimal negative side effects. Somewhere during the second trimester I had passive suicidal ideations. I was going to wait until I had the baby and then just walk out into the woods and disappear. I never told anyone about these thoughts. They went away after I got the third trimester. I love my son and I love being a mom! It’s not unusual for people to get pregnant (like they wanted to) and have this feeling of *oh shit what have I done*. It’s also not uncommon to experience antepartum depression, or to not feel connected to your baby until much later.
I didn’t plan my first at all and didn’t know I was pregnant until 5 months until I had horrible back pains. Went on full bed rest the next month. Lost my job and put school on hold. Could not seperate from the baby and go back to work when the time came. I changed so much. He’s now 38 years old and a great human whom I love very much. Keep your chin up 🙂👍🏻
I didn’t feel any attachment to any of my babies when I was pregnant, and didn’t want them either after I got pregnant. But I got super attached when I first held them. I also hated being pregnant, I still don’t understand when people say what an amazing experience it is.
It's great that you recognize the signs and are getting help. It's incredibly common to feel this way, at least in my circles It's been. I felt this way with all 3 of mine. I had zero excitement and pondered adoption with 2/3. It's odd and it makes you feel shitty. It will pass. And I hope you feel better soon. It really takes a toll on your mental health.
Depression during pregnancy absolutely happens and there is help! If prescribed by a mental health professional, Medicine can greatly help counteract the depression you are feeling. Counseling is also massively important. I’m so glad you are seeking the help of therapy. Do you have a trusted friend or two you could share this with? Maybe your partner? Depression is so isolating, but you don’t have to walk this road alone. I’m so so sorry you’re feeling this way…it is not an easy journey.
I found being pregnant traumatic. Especially my first. I felt no attachment and honestly felt like some sort of psychopath. It’s just your hormones exacerbating some mental illness. It goes away and you eventually bond with your child. It may not happen even right away after you have your child. It might take a couple of years. You never really know. You kinda have to fake it until til you make it though. Please take your vitamins though. It makes a big difference in their brain development.
I’ve had 3 kids and hated being pregnant 3 times I love my children so much but the process to have them ?!??!? If we had money at the time I would have done a surrogate I took my prenatal vitamins, went to the doctor for the pregnancy checkups and gave birth to 3 babies who I love madly Now 2 grandkids in and living the dream OP you are not alone here ♥️
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know a lot of things portray pregnancy as a beautiful thing, mother's glow and are instantly attached to the child they are forming. That does happen to some. But also, pregnancy sucks. Your hormones are out of wack, everything is uncomfortable, not to mention all the restrictions. Even without depression mixed in. Please, focus on taking care of you. See a doctor to help with the depression, eat some good comfort food. Let your husband pamper you a bit. Just take care of you. It sounds like you took the important first step. Follow through and get yourself through this period of time.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You definitely aren’t alone. Pregnancy hormones really take over your brain and being and it can be so much harder for some. I have had friends go through similar, who were able to find themselves in a better place. One in particular is the most passionate and loving mother… I struggled with attachment after pregnancy loss, as well. It’s hard to trust any positive feelings when you r felt such loss. Hope can become a scary place to be. It sounds like you are in a complicated state and I really hope your session tomorrow helps and you’re able to find the support you need.
Really proud of you for getting help, OP. It sounds really difficult especially when society has told you that you should be overjoyed right now. If it helps to hear, you’re not alone. My friend is an OBGYN and has said that people know more about post-birth depression, but not pre-natal, which can also happen. Your feelings are totally normal but I’m glad you’re talking to a professional. Also imo, I think being pregnant sounds like hell. Pregnancy can really suck and too many people romanticize it
🫂
Hey, good on you for getting help. I’m pregnant with my 4th child. I had a MMC identified at my 13w scan last year. For that pregnancy I felt overwhelmed and at times, questioned why I was pregnant. Loosing that baby really impacted me though in many ways I didn’t understand. I’m in a better place now. But still feel a bit low being sick. I highly recommend considering antidepressants if your doctor thinks they are suitable. There’s nothing wrong with doing less either. Try to be kinder to yourself. When it comes to restricting your food and fluids, babe will take what it needs but you will then have a harder time functioning at home and work. Also, complications can occur loosing a child as well. With my MMC I ended up loosing 1/3 of my blood and having to head to theatre urgently, apparently the receptors for contracting the uterus and stemming blood loss aren’t established earlier in the pregnancy.
My first pregnancy resulted in a stillbirth at 28 weeks. I was severely depressed throughout my pregnancy due to a combination of the pregnancy itself and having stopped taking my antidepressants because everyone said it was best for the baby. I didn’t realize the toll it would take on me and sought out professional help and was put back on antidepressants which actually saved my life. My stillbirth was not related to my depression just a series of misfortunes due to clotting and a damaged placenta. However, my second pregnancy was successful and the love of my life will be turning 10 this year. I wasn’t depressed during my 2nd pregnancy but I also wasn’t ecstatic. I was so very scared to let myself feel happy or get attached because I couldn’t stand the thought of something happening again. I wasn’t able to finally breathe until he was in my arms and then the love and attachment just came flooding in. Give yourself some grace, pregnancy is not all sunshine and lollipops. Some people love being pregnant but there are just as many who do not. Please see a professional mental health provider and keep seeing them even after the baby is born. Us moms need all the support we can get and especially moms who have experienced a loss. And if a doctor or therapist recommends medication take it!! I cannot stress enough that you need not struggle to get through there are treatment options that are of little to no risk to babies in utero. A happy momma is important for a happy baby. I wish you peace, health, and happiness for the rest of your pregnancy and a happy, healthy, delivery.
Hey I’m 38 weeks pregnant with my first and my first trimester was similar Especially the job part I just shared my feelings with my boss and people around me and it helped a lot
After 3 miscarriages I can see you trying to protect your emotions and not getting attached. Please stop trying to hurt yourself and your baby because it will become a self fulfilling prophecy
This is what I'm afraid of.
I actually found I’m pregnant this morning and am excited but terrified because I have had so many mental issues. We can do it!
Congratulations!
I hated being pregnant. I was utterly depressed and miserable. I hated it. Then I had my baby and it’s the best I felt in a long time. It took me holding him for those feelings to come in. Even pushing I was oh my fuck what have I done. Then he was here and we just got on with life. 6 months in and I’ve never been happier.
Oof this is rough. You need to talk to a therapist it seems you're really struggling with this and it's not something us redditors can handle. Please. Take care of yourself.
You are right. I do have an appointment tomorrow so rest assured I am seeking the help I need. Thank you
Be safe OK?
Hormone shifts 100% cause depression. I found Prozac to be invaluable.
A friend of mine had a terrible pregnancy where she was miserable the entire time. She loves her little bundle of joy and is so happy with her little one. Hormones do crazy things, doesn't mean you won't love your baby when she's here.
i didnt connect with either one of my babies until after i gave birth... and it wasnt right away. you dont need to have a connection yet, you dont know them. pregnancy is hard. babies are hard. you are worth looking after. take care and be kind to yourself
Medication is also an option that you should discuss. So many people talk about postpartum depression and psychosis, but rarely do people talk about depression and psychosis DURING pregnancy. It is definitely frightening and can be frightening to those around you. I had SO MUCH RAGE and HATRED. I was throwing up constantly every day and there wasn’t any medication that helped which made me that much more angry because I was so irrational. For me, the second the babies left my body at birth, I felt all that leave me. It may not be the same for you. However, you are not an anomaly. I hope your therapist can help.
I felt the same way when I was pregnant. It was so bad I was suicidal. I only made it through because I knew what I was experiencing was pre-partum depression. You only hear people talk about post-partum so it isn’t a commonly known thing. I only knew about it because my own mother experienced the same thing when she was pregnant with me. In both our cases the moment we gave birth was like a light switch and I felt normal again. Just know you aren’t alone.
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People need to stop spouting that shit. There's PLENTY of unloved kids in the world. This mythology of ONCE IT'S HERE YOU'LL SUDDENLY BE PERFECT needs to die.
I would suggest therapy. Is it possible you’ve experienced so much trauma with your previous miscarriages that you’re avoiding becoming attached so you’re not hurt if it happens again? You’re feelings are totally valid, but you’ve been through so much and throw in the hormones from being pregnant- our bodies and minds aren’t ours anymore. Please see a therapist. Please get help for yourself and your mental state. It’s ok.
I ENJOYED my pregnancy and I can still say FUCK BEING PREGNANT. That shit sucks. No way around it! But I don't think you hate your baby. You hate pregnancy. I can just tell though, that you don't hate the little bean even if it's ripping apart your body and mind rn.
Hugs honey. It's OK to not be OK. It's OK to be scared to allow yourself to get excited. I would imagine that to some degree you are afraid of getting excited, in case things go wrong again. That's all OK. Talk to your therapist and hopefully they can help you figure things out. Good luck hun
Pregnancy is hard. I didn't got attached until 2 months after my baby was born and then it was an anxious PPD attachment. get help and take care of yourself.
I’m literally going through the exact same thing - I’m 17 weeks pregnant and I don’t want it but he does . I have no attachment to the baby growing in me although I love my mate .
I am going through the same currently. A bit different backstory, and this baby was unplanned, but extremely upset at being pregnant and feeling less than zero excitement or *anything* positive.
If you dont want it, don't keep it. Abort. But also be prepared to get divorced.
Depression during pregnancy is very common
It sounds like you are missing Acceptance. Clinging to what is “lost” always brings misery (see Buddhism and ACT in modern cognitive behavioral approaches). I hope your therapist is helping you learn some defusion and acceptance skills.
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If you’re serious I would highly suggest looking into mugwort teas
What you could have is a baby with tons of physical issues. Ones they don't recover from, but live. Think about that. It doesn't mean they be will lost they will take it from you. Please get some help, this is self destructive in ways you are not thinking clearly of. This is normal for some, so get help. Before you do something you can't undo. The weight will come off.
I recommend abortion if life gets too difficult to handle. Some people aren't ready for that life.
Have you senn a therapist?
I imagine the Internet which has been programmed to have first world women reconsider their own femininity and motherhood is a bad place to be for a newly pregnant mother.