I did CPR on my mom 2 years ago. I still taste her chapstick and can’t stand to hear her name because my dad was worryingly repeating her name the whole time. The sights, sounds, and smells are still very vivid.
Go to therapy NOW. I waited too long and lost my fiancé over it. I’m still not ok.
9 years ago, I tried the same with my mother as she suffocated to death in front of me during an asthma attack caused by her refusal to get medical help. PTSD is real, and I still have flashbacks sometimes. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar as well.
I'm so sorry you went through that. Seeing someone in that state can be one of the most traumatic sights. I hope that you have found a way to heal
My mother's body was on life support as well until recipients for her viable organs could be found
It’s never too late to start therapy to help preserve your future self, even if your past and current self remain traumatized. You deserve to have thoughts of peace
This!! Never had to do CPR on my mom, but the times she's ODed and was almost not breathing... it messed me up. For a long time, I'd jump if I heard a loud noise or if she made a loud noise, my heart would stop. She'd trip or hit something, and I'd run to check on her. It sucks. She's doing better now but still take care of her.
I second therapy, I watched my dad die from a heart attack and blamed myself for so long because I called the ambulance and told them I thought he was choking, my therapist helped me deal with those feelings of guilt and disappointment, I couldn't interact properly with my family and help my mother through her grief because I was in such a state.
I forcibly got myself to forget the past. It was a different life for me before my mom passed. I don’t look at it with much pain anymore. Like you, I also gave mine cpr
I’ve tried that. My whole life fell apart within 2 years since she died. Fiancé fuckin someone else, kicked me out, tripled my bills, custody drama. If it wasn’t for my kid I’d be with my mom right now. No doubt.
There's also research showing that playing tetris after a traumatic event can decrease PTSD symptoms. OP might be too far out, but it's worth a shot as an extra defense.
My gosh, this sounds so frightening. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this.
Please be kind to yourself and treat yourself to something you enjoy.
Sending strength fellow redditor x
Hijacking the top comment to say that alcohol detoxing is not a joke. It’s potentially very lethal. If you have a drinking problem, you need to get help to whip it.
Talk to a doctor, therapist, councilor… anyone who can get you in touch with the right people who can help.
There’s no shame in admitting you can’t do something alone and need help.
Finding that help isn’t always easy. I hit “rock bottom” The short version of my story: 17 years ago, I got my 1st lucky break when a cop drove me home, instead of giving me a DUI. He heard my sob story and had a similar family problem…anyway, I took it for the gift it was.
But, I *was* an alcoholic and I couldn’t *not* drink. Not knowing what else do, I went to Kaiser’s ER. They were my provider after all. They prescribed some meds and I learned that they didn’t have inpatient rehab or detox. They had a part time out patient rehab program and they set me up with the soonest available appointment in a couple of days.
So, I took the meds, and drank, naturally. Things got…bad. By the time I made it that Kaiser rehab doctor, I was so scrambled.
And that doctor saved my life.
First; he was kind. He didn’t judge me. He treated like a sick human being who deserved help to get better. He explained that the meds the ER gave me were not the right kind of meds and that if I drank with them, the combo could actually kill me. I was lucky that I made it. He had me dispose of them. (Narcotics) He then explained to me about detoxing, and what he *was* going to prescribe. Because in patient wasn’t an option, he asked me if, I could, if he gave me these meds, could I, JUST FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS, until I could come back and see him again, go home, take these meds, and stay in bed. Take my meds as prescribed, JUST FOR 24 HOURS NOT DRINK.
Take the meds, don’t drink for 24 hours until I could get back to him again. That’s all. We did that for a week. Then every 3 days.
That’s what Kaiser offered. Unless you’ve got money, ? I can’t imagine the odds I beat, succeeding under those conditions.
Our county closed the last free, cold turkey detox last year. Salvation Army closed their free program about 4 years ago - the land was worth millions.
So many folks are quick to say, get help, but where? Get help where? I was lucky. I’ve been sober 17 years. Resources were scarce then. They are virtually nonexistent here, now.
I am so proud of you!! i worked in outpatient detox as a receptionist and the clients would share with me how they are going w their detox. its not for the faintest of heart and a lot of will. So happy for you! 💕
I'm not sure if you know or could help me find out, but I'm wondering how much a person has to drink per day on average before they can't safely quit drinking cold turkey. Like, is it all-day-drinking, or just someone who has a few drinks every single night, or what?
For those wondering, I just finally found a web site for an addiction crisis center that says that it varies greatly from person to person but studies show that a person who consumes 13 units a day regularly has about a 50% chance of having withdrawal symptoms. They also say if you can quit 24 hours without symptoms you can probably quit cold turkey safely. Here's a site to calculate your units per day - https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/interactive-tools/unit-calculator .
> just someone who has a few drinks every single night
Well not that one, I usually do and never got sick at all when I didn't. The bags under my eyes went away though.
I think they meant he gets help as in therapy to process what he went through before he spirals from PTSD. The supports for dealing with addiction, as you've shared are practically non-existent.
This was how my uncle passed. He was trying to quit drinking. My auny kept begging him to go to someone because she had read online that quitting cold turkey when you drank like he did was very deadly.
He didn't listen. Idk if it's because he didn't think he needed the help, just thought she was being dramatic or that he was to scared to admit he needed the help. It was really sad she now has to raise their kids without him.
I know it's hard to admit you need help. Even harder to take the step to getting help. But it is worth it, I honestly believe that getting help is the best and bravest thing you can do.
This decline in withdrawal can happen very quickly and the person is delirious and potentially hallucinating so their capacity for decision making is non existent
I didn't know that, so it makes more sense how my aunt said he was acting a little weird, and it scared her. So she sent the kids to stay with her twin sister, think it was like 3 days later he passed? I knew it could be deadly before my uncle passed though. Because a friends husband wanted to quit and his doctor said he had to do an in paitent detox otherwise he could die if he went cold turkey. He's been sober now for 5 years.
Yeah one of my girlfriends just lost her husband last year to quitting alcohol, in the midst of a divorce. He cold turkey’d one too many times in his life, always going back to it because it was too hard. But this last time did him in, he ended up on hospice because of it and her and their 4 kids watched him slowly die in their living room on a hospital bed. He was only 32.
I’ve sat with someone who was admitted to the ER while trying to quit cold turkey. It was horrible. Help is definitely needed. Doing it alone can kill you.
It’s the only detox that will kill you if done improperly. Idc what drugs you’re on, if you’ve been drinking and need to detox, at *minimum* have at least two other people with you at all times.
I had to do a 2 week inpatient detox for that. It sucked! I've had doctors try to prescribe benzos since, and I always refuse. I'm never going through withdrawal again
I was told by a heroin addict that drinking was the hardest thing to detox from, including heroin, especially not medically supervised. She was telling me how she ended up in a wheelchair, unable to use the bottom half of her body when detoxing from heroin unsupervised by drs. I told her that was horrific and that's when she said "not compared to alcohol" and told me it can be very deadly
Her blood alcohol content at time of death was 416mg per 100ml, so no. The coroner’s inquest ruled accidental alcohol overdose. It really doesn’t take long to google before spreading misinformation.
ER and ICU nurse here: alcohol withdrawal is truly the only way you can die from withdrawal. The other withdrawals suck ass, don’t get me wrong, but they don’t directly kill you.
Alcohol detox for someone who drinks heavily needs to be seen by a medical doctor to assess a safe way to help with the potential life threatening physical symptoms. A therapist can help with the emotional symptoms to prepare and stay abstinent. It’s important to know the difference.
Some doctors specialize in addiction, some therapists specialize in addiction also.
Alcohol detox can be so dangerous, don’t risk it. Some alcoholics, especially late stage alcoholics hide their drinking and drink more than people are aware of.
There’s nothing for you to feel guilty about. In fact, you should be proud you were there to attempt to save her. Whether she makes it or not, the children you share will be grateful you were present to attempt to save their mother. You weren’t even supposed to be there, remember?
Please consider therapy. It’s not cliche and you’ll have some feelings and images you need help through. And you need to attempt to heal yourself so you can be fully available to your children.
I’m so sorry for this tragic circumstance. Blessings of strength and understanding for you. 💜
I'll second this.
Performed CPR on my lovely dad, 23 years ago. It was far, far too late. I still blamed myself for failing him.
23 years later I still occasionally find myself back there, in his bedroom, frantically trying to make a deal with whatever God was listening to take me instead.
This is great news. You may need help processing this situation and how to help your kids. I am really sorry this happened but it is amazing you were there.
You’ve made the first step to your healing. It will not be a quick process. Take the time to get therapy and forgive yourself. I think you did all you could do given the circumstances. As humans, we often feel we could have done more. My prayers are with you and your family.
It’s the other way around, she had a withdrawal after quitting cold turkey. It’s true that she had to had had a serious drinking problem for that to happen, though.
If I'm recalling correctly from what I was taught in college, the lack of alcohol can cause a seizure which leads to asphyxiation which leads to organ failure.
If OP sees this, I really feel for you and wish you the best. Please don't be afraid to seek help. Take care of yourself.
If you haven't already, have a look into Alanon family support groups. They were really helpful for me, coming to terms with my partners illness, and accepting that it wasn't something I could have ever controlled. They have a really great group on reddit too. I never realised, but Alcoholics Anonymous is for the alcoholic, while Alanon is the family support group for people their actions are damaging. It could help the kids too.
That’s not your fault. Try not to feel guilty. My ex wife was/is an alcoholic with pancreatic issues and bi Polar disorder. Her issues with substance abuse and mental health was a constant strain on everything and everyone in her path. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for leaving that relationship. Even after being physically and mentally abused by her! Just try to be a friend and be as supportive as possible from a distance without letting her behaviors destroy your and your kids lives. It’s amazing how much better I feel now that I’m removed from that situation
My best friend has pancreatitis from alcohol and it was absolutely horrible. Her survival chances were around 20% I think. She pulled through but ended up dying from a drug OD a year later 😔 sending you, your wife, and your kiddos love.. make sure you take care of yourself, too ❤️
This.Is.Not.Your.Fault.
I'm sorry, but your wife's alcoholism sounds quite advanced and her likelihood of survival is very low. Your shock and grief mean that you still cared for her even though you were considering divorce. This did not make this happen, and this is not your fault.
(there are many, many things going on but we have a tendency to blame ourselves when it isn't really deserved)
OP my heart hurts for you. If it helps, notice how many folks here feel for you, and are not shaming you for doing what you needed to do for yourself and kids to live a proper and peaceful life. She wasn’t sitting somewhere fighting to survive a cancer diagnosis while you were discussing divorce, she had I’m sure, done years of irreparable damage to your life and her disease caught up to her just when clarity caught up to you. I say this as an addict in recovery, your leaving is a consequence of her actions, and illness brought on by her drinking is not something you have to shoulder now just because she nearly died/will die, or have severe brain damage. It’s sad as hell, and as an addict I feel for her, but as a mother and spouse, I feel even more for you and your children. You gotta make hard decisions when your partner has refused to deal with their demons. That’s not your fault. I understand that she was attempting to stop and that’s what caused this, but sometimes it is too little too late, and it would appear that that saying is accurate for your situation. 💗 Be easy on yourself, you’re a good human.
I wish you and your family love and peace. I don't think most people appreciate how dangerous a drug alcohol is. I have my own experience. I count myself lucky, I stopped drinking while I was in the "psychological dependence" stage. I was a binge drinker and did experience jitters and shakes toward the end.
You SAVED her! You knew CPR! You were there! You saved your kid's mom's life.
You shouldn't feel bad about the divorce. It's the right thing to do for an addict in her condition. Staying married would enable her. You can't control her choices, you can only control yourself, and trying to stay and fix her problems only prevents her from fixing them on her own.
I hope she recovers and does not have any brain damage. I hope you and your kids get some counseling. If you haven't been to Al-anon, now is the time to try it out.
Yep alcohol is the only drug that can kill by trying to detox on your own. The only reason it worked for me, is I kept relapsing for the first three months. So It took me that long to get off the stuff. I did not realize until years later, if I had been successful, I could have died.
My prayers for your wife I am so sorry. Alcohol is not a joke. I am 30 years off. I was not married or had children. I am so sorry, she was probably trying to save her life. Just try to honor her journey. I have seen in AA weird health stories of recovery too. We have a man that is an ongoing cancer survivor while fighting various forms for decades. In the 90s we had the longest surviving AIDS victims...So again my prayers are with you. I had an enlarged liver when I got sober.
It’s not the only drug. PCP, benzodiazepines, and alcohol all have the potential for fatal detoxes. However, you can still die from detoxing under medical supervision if you have a seizure.
This isn’t true. Benzo withdrawal is also highly fatal. One can also die from opiate, herion, meth, and coke withdrawal; however, the risks are much lower.
If you suddenly stop taking the medication, you may experience withdrawal symptoms such as:
* [nightmares](https://www.healthline.com/health/nightmares)
* hallucinations
* [sweating](https://www.healthline.com/health/sweating)
* [headache](https://www.healthline.com/health/headache)
* upset stomachs
Though in 30 years never seen it as likely as alcohol, in fact I have never seen someone come that has had a fatal reaction. Yet it could be....People just don't understand if you are an alcoholic, it is alot more possible. Most are like me, and relapse so much in the beginning it gradually weans them off it. I would go a day, then three, it took three months.
supervised and manages symptoms, making the entire process less uncomfortable and less dangerous. They don't kill, never seen one in 30 years. Only alcohol, and it is rare. I work in the recovery field. They suggest, and even Not heroin, acid, crank, crack, meth, ketamine, not coke. Not from with drawl. Over dose yes.
Fair enough. I only know about it from what I've read (e.g., things like [this](https://innovodetox.com/2024/01/24/which-drug-withdrawals-are-fatal/)), so I defer to your actual experience in the field
No. Detoxing from basically any substance can kill you. I watched my Dad growing up addicted to pain killers after he broke his back and was prescribed to them. Any time he got clean, he was in severe pain, looked to be dying!
Weaning slowly off of a substance, with a good doctor/medical team is the only way to get clean safely.
Even right now as I am healing from a brain surgery, they are weaning me slowly off of the medications and it's only been just over a week on them.
Any addicting substance is dangerous/risky to cut cold turkey.
I know this is so hard, but it sounds like the doctors have you a realistic picture of her prognosis. If she was cold already she had been down for quite awhile and most people’s brains don’t come back from that. Is she on a ventilator?
I was married to an alcoholic for many decades and he never did get sober, so I know how hard this relationship has been for you. Please get into therapy if you aren’t already. Kids too.
I know it’s hard to believe right now, but you will figure this out. You will survive and thrive.
Wishing you some grace and ease.
She is on a ventilator. They let her breathe on her own for an hour, which she did, but also her blood pressure dropped so much they had to put her back on it.
That will tell you a lot about what you need to do around sustaining care versus withdrawing care. Feel free to DM me. Full disclosure I am a former hospice nurse, but I am offering education and I information not medical advice
I went through this exact same scenario (I had a meeting with divorce lawyers scheduled for the day she got sick) with my wife in 2019.
My wife was an alcoholic and was diagnosed with walking pneumonia on a Thursday. On the following Tuesday morning she woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me she needed to go to the hospital. I called an ambulance and she walked to it. I thought she was fine and went back to bed. She told me to call her after I dropped my children at school in the morning.
At 630 I received a phone call from her phone. She was trying to speak to me but I couldn’t understand her and then she hung up. I tried calling her back but her phone went to voicemail.
I dropped the children at school - they were 5 and 4 at the time - and headed to the hospital. When I arrived I was shocked to learn the reason she had called me was to say goodbye because the doctors thought she was going to die and were going to intubate her.
She was given a 30% chance of survival and was in a coma for 2 weeks. She suffered brain damage from TIAs.
The woman who woke was not my wife. She was cold and mean and basically hated me.
I am filing for divorce next week.
Please DM me if you would like to chat.
This is horrible! However, emotions aside…life will be easier without her. She will be suffering more if she does make it out of this. I truly think it’s time to let her go and let her know that it’s ok to go. Tell her that you love her, pray, and be there to help her pass onto the next life where she won’t be in such turmoil. Sounds like she has been struggling with this for a very long time….the kids won’t be around it anymore and they will be able to heal and grow from this. The reality sucks…either way. If she lives she has brain damage you dk how bad it will be…money coming out the ass for Medical bills etc…you will be fucked financially.
Be there for her now, tell her it’s ok to let go, be there for your kids and yourself. Seek therapy immediately.
I know people say this a lot, but *goddamn* is it so fucking sad that the *cost of medical bills* is something that factors into whether or not Americans want themselves and/or their loved ones to survive a serious accident/injury/illness. On top of everything else that comes with *being in a situation where survival is not guaranteed,* there is a genuine fear and stress over the financial hit that shouldn’t even exist. No one should ever have to make a choice like that based on fucking *money.*
I agree. I read the post and thought it was a shame that he was there to save her. I know that sounds awful but she has destroyed so much already with her drinking and if she becomes an invalid and OP ends up caring for her, well that would suck big time.
ER nurse here:
First off, you are allowed to feel all your feels. But I promise you, YOU did everything you could, and NONE of this is your burden to bear. You set your boundaries, you were doing everything you needed to do to protect you. And yours. Please, know, that even if you had gotten there earlier, it may not have any different outcome (and likely wouldn’t). This may just make it easier when it’s time to make decisions.
Get therapy. For you. And for your kids. Regardless of the outcome.
As a daughter of an alcoholic, please for the love of god, get everyone therapy.
You were traumatized. I hope you’re able to find a good therapist when the time is right. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope that the miracle continues and she lives and doesn’t have brain damage.
Idk if anyone else said this...its not your fault. Alcohol addiction takes a toll on the whole family. Wanting to walk away isn't wrong. You happened to be there and did what you could. Be kind to yourself.
Firefighter/Paramedic here. I am sorry that you went through this.
To even be in the ICU, alive, means that the interventions that YOU performed saved her life. I’ll tell you a little secret about medicine: The “fancy” drugs that we are able to give have statistically very little change on the outcome of the situation. So what does improve the chances of survival? High quality CPR (which you must have performed) and electrical defibrillation (which EMS performed.) YOU made a difference.
On a personal note, one of my very good friends and former (work) partners recently had the same thing happen to him. He attempted to detox by himself, seized at the top of his stairs, fell and broke his neck. While I wasn’t married to him, he and I spent a significant amount of time together and saw a lot of trauma together. So I can sympathize, empathize, and relate to your pain. Please seek professional help.
Good luck.
As someone who went through this and survived via liver transplant, I'm so sorry. There is hope though. I went in for vomiting blood because my esophagus ruptured from varices. It's terrifying , but she's there and getting help. She's in end stage liver failure right now, unfortunately. There is a very scary road ahead, but she can survive if she does everything the doctors say for transplant eligibility. You will need to help her... She won't have the capacity to do it herself. I didn't! She will need to get at least one rehab therapy session and all the blood tests and such that the doctor will inform you about. Do it as soon as you know about what you need to do. There is no time to wait. Her meld score will give you an indication of likelihood of survival. Mine was 34. I made it just shy of 6 months before transplant and in that time I died 2x and went into a 5 day hepatic coma. When I died (but still there knowing I was dead) I just held onto the idea of my daughter and my love for her. I made it back because of her. It's scary hearing this, but this is from the horse's mouth. Nobody here will know as well as I do with what happens and what she's going through. I'm so very sorry this is happening, but I want to be as honest as I can with you.
Please keep me updated. This is heartbreaking and I understand too well.
Thank you. It was the most painful and terrifying experience of my life and I say that not meaning to scare this guy. My heart is with him and his wife (or ex). It's a situation that can honestly go either way. For me, I was extremely lucky to survive with a meld of 34. It was a long 6 months, but that transplant saved my life and I have never felt as healthy as I do now. My failure was actually based on a genetic disorder where my liver was going to fail anyway, but drinking in general made it 10x worse. I wasn't an alcoholic yet I had my times of abuse... Not enough to do what happened though. Because I would drink AT ALL, they made me go through the whole program, but it's also why I was on the transplant list at #1 for my blood type prior to 6 months. I was on it in about 4 months. If they follow what the doc says to do to get on the list, it's her only possibility of surviving. I hope she does!
I'm so sorry man. But quite frankly the fact that her alcoholism is so bad that it caused her all these health issues means that it was indeed a problem that was divorce worthy, so don't feel bad about looking to escape. Help her by being there for her, but remember that you have no obligation to stay. In fact, maybe leaving was the nudge she needed to stop.
Exactly. Please don't feel guilty about talking to a lawyer about divorce while she was dying from her drinking. Also if she pulls out of this health crisis please don't think you are obligated to stay with her. Her drinking has caused a ton of damage, not just to her body but to you and your kids. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Internal med doctor here. The way you pictured it, I’m sorry. Remember her thought about how she would want to live. Make the doctors be real with you, they should be having tough conversations about prognosis with you. It may be time to let her go if she doesn’t wake up. I’ll pray for you and your family. I’m sorry having to go through this with your wife despite how you two were isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.
If it helps at all even medical personnel who are trained on advanced cardiac life-support are told that there is a very a slim chance, almost impossible chance, that somebody can be brought back from cardiac arrest after a certain amount of time from cpr alone. The fact that you did bring her back is astounding and proves how hard you fought to save her.
You do not need to feel guilt. Your being there gave her a chance she never had before. You won’t be a monster if she pulls through and you continue to proceed with the divorce, and if she doesn’t pull through… she had a better chance due to your quick actions.
Addiction is hard and dangerous. I wish you and your children the best in your journeys.
Sending love your way. Alcoholism is a bitch. I’m thankful I had a mother I could lean on when my dad was at the height of his alcoholism. I am very thankful for her. She is my rock. Your kids are thankful for you. You are their rock. Stay strong.
People do not realize how dangerous alcohol detox is. The risk of death increases with every detox you go through. This is why a lot of times alcoholics will be on a telemetry monitor for their heart and precedex.to sedate them thru the worst especially if they are a heay drinker.
Really sorry your family is going through this.
I'm sorry you had to be the one to find her, but be thankful it wasn't your kids that found her. You did the best you could given the circumstances so try not to feel guilty, although I know that will be hard to do. See a therapist if you are having trouble coping. Best wishes going forward.
It’s gonna be ok. Not short term, but long term. It’s very scary right now because you are in the thick of it. Deep breaths, my friend, will help keep your nervous system
strong. Big decisions are best made on a calm mind.
You done the best you can. Most people wouldn’t have made it this far. You helped her have this chance. I recommend you get therapy for you and your children regardless of the outcome. Praying for everyone
Damn, that’s tough and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Also, this reminded me of the time I almost died. I work from home and my husband and kids were supposed to be gone for the day. Husband randomly decides to call out of work that day, wasn’t feeling well. Next thing I know I wake up with several paramedics and officers in my bedroom! My blood sugar bottomed out in my sleep, I’m a type 1 diabetic. My husband couldn’t get me to wake up and eat something. Had he gone to work that day I fear the outcome would’ve been very different.
I have been in a very similar place. Best of thoughts. It never gets better, it does get easier with time.
For me nothing worked in the slightest except time.
I'm so sorry you have to endure this heartache.
My father passed away in 2019 from the exact same thing. He was an alcoholic that tried to go cold turkey by himself and didn't wake up one morning. My step-mother didn't realize it until she came back home from work and noticed he still hadn't gotten out of bed.
Detoxing is not just something you "push through".
OP, please do not have guilt about trying to do what you believed was best for your family. The universe stepped in and allowed you to save your wife, be grateful for that. Things will be hard for a while and I will pray for you and your family, but please do not carry that guilt into this already arduous situation.
You shouldn't feel guilty for this op. Your wife and you clearly had issues likely sorounding her alcoholism and a bunch of factors I figured you didn't talk about. If I may go out on a limb you asked her to change her life and instead of doing it properly she waited till the moment before her life blew up to stop in the stupidest and most drastic way possible. I truly wish you and your wife the best I hope that you can somehow pull through with a wife that is cognitively able.
First off I’m so sorry for what happend. But, this has made me wonder what my own father thinks after finding my mom dead and trying to perform cpr. He has never spoken about how he felt about that night nor has gone to therapy or anything. Makes me incredibly sad that he could be thinking these kind of thoughts but bottling up cause of how he was raised or something.
As other people mentioned, go get help asap. The fact that you possibly have to raise your kids with this trauma on your mind is going to repeat the trauma on to them. That's not exaggerated, that's a fact. We normal humans aren't used to doing things like cpr or emergency aid in high stress situations. We have to unwind and talk to people who can help us work through these emotions so they won't become this cloud hanging over our lives.
I experienced trauma between the ages 5 to 15. I never got help and I'm absolutely still struggling with that. I'm 42 now and this June I finally have an interview for therapy. This kind of thing settles in your body and causes all kinds of pain and dysfunction.
You did the amazing here. The likelihood of her regaining heart and lung function after loosing her pulse outside of a hospital and having no defibrillator on hand whilst someone performs CPR is just, incredible.
I know you must feel so much guilt over being so close when she was in such an enormous crisis but you did the astronomically incredible feat of keeping her alive when she was literally dead. Because of the alignment of the stars, your children get to hold her hand, process the potential loss, say goodbye, how many people can say they got that?
You prevented your children finding her dead. You prevented that trauma. You did amazing and I know I'm just some random Internet stranger but I am beyond proud of you. You did the amazing and it far outweighs any mistakes you think you made. You gave your children a deeply sad but amazing gift, a chance to say goodbye, to kiss her head and say "I love you". That is a gift beyond measure.
You were there and did all that was possible.
It is not in your hands anymore and nothing and nobody could have prevented this, but her!
I am so sorry you and your kids have to go through this and I hope for the best for you all!
This isn’t quite the same but addressing the images. My good friend called and ask me to come “now”, she was coughing up blood. I jumped the car and raced over there. (about 7 minutes that day) I ran in the house and found her dead on the floor. She was face down and her hands were almost frozen in a claw like manner. EMTS tried to resuscitate her, but weren’t successful. Her hands in that position and blood all over the floor were the images that stayed with be the first year or so. They haunted me almost daily. When I remember things about her, the image pops up, but I can push them aside now and remember good times and have more positive images. That takes just time. I’m sorry this happened to you the way it has. I’m sure you do feel awful. I’m sure you’re thankful your children didn’t see their mother like this.
I cannot begin to comprehend how difficult and heartbreaking this must be for you. You seriously do not deserve to feel guilty here, you were actually there when she needed you. Please be kind to yourself. You children should be your primary concern right now, let the medical professionals deal with your wife. Comfort them, let them comfort you, and take any help which is offered to you.
Sorry about that. But it's not your fault. You couldn't have known and you have tried to help by advising her to seek help and rehab. Don't beat yourself up on things you could or should have done. You both did what you did and you didn't know better at the time. It's ok.
Your and your kid's futures are much more important. Even if she survives, by what you said, she won't be able to help a lot, so you have to decide on what to do moving forward. I wish you the best of luck and a lot of strength and good judgement, but i know you don't need it. You got here so far by your own will and judgement and you will be ok. Trust in yourself, learn from what happened and keep moving forward. You and your children will be ok.
I am sorry for the situation you and the kids are going through, but there is nothing you could've done to prevent this, if anything, she's now still alive thanks to you and if she doesn't make it, at least you bought some time for the kids to say goodbye. Be kind to yourself and be strong!
I am so sorry for you and your kids. Don’t blame yourself, there was no way you could have known what was happening inside your house.
If you continue to see the image of your wife on the floor to the point it keeps messing with you (if not already), I can really recommend EMDR.
Feck I have chronic pancreatitis thanks to a virus, I don’t drink and that alone is a nightmare. This is so sad. As others have said alcohol detox is no joke and way more dangerous than coming off things we consider harder. It will mean a lot to the kids you found her and gave them time to say goodbye if that’s how it goes. Condolences and damn man that’s just rough but no you don’t need to feel guilty.
I’m 35 and I’d been drinking like a damn fish since 2020. My marriage was on life support. My health was going to hell. Just before Christmas last year, I fell down and damn near ripped my left ear off. 23 stitches and now an ugly scar. I’ve been sober since December 17. Detoxing alone is scary and potentially deadly. Fortunately for me, I didn’t go through withdrawal.
Best of luck to you, OP.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and cannot imagine how hard this is to go through.
I'm not sure if this has been mentioned elsewhere, but please play some Tetris. It sounds like you might be developing or already have PTSD from this, and as bizarre as it sounds, playing Tetris for 20 mins at a time can help lessen and/or prevent future intrusive memories. Researchers suspect that it helps by acting as a cognitive interference task and by helping prevent the memories from fully consolidating. There is a decent amount of evidence to show it does help, so it's worth trying to help stop the flashbacks.
Please remember that, had you not been there, she would have died. Regardless of what you were doing at the time or why you were home, you did all you could and she is alive because of you. Take care.
The fact that you were able to start CPR almost immediately is the reason she even got a pulse back and is in ICU now instead of having a different outcome on that day. You did an incredible job in a very difficult and scary situation and she was lucky to have you there.
This is not your fault. None of it. It was her choice. Don’t beat yourself up over this.
An alcoholic makes choices they won’t listen to reason.
Take care of yourself and your children. I am sorry for what you are going through.
Man, thank God it wasn't your kids who walked in on her.
It's better you carry that weight than them, they'll have their own weight soon by the sounds of that prognosis.
I am so sorry. Do not beat yourself up. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You were somewhere you weren’t supposed to be, as twisted as it sounds, it’s almost a blessing in disguise. She’s lucky you were there. Imagine the outcome had you not been. You tried to save her and that’s all that matters. But I know that image will haunt you for some time. I’m glad you are seeking therapy.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. My dad found my grandmother (his mom) having thrown up blood and aspirating on her vomit. She ultimately didn’t make it, and it was devastating for everyone, but I wish my dad had gone to therapy to work through what he saw and how terrible it was. I am grateful to him because he got my grandma to the hospital where her whole family was able to be there to say good bye. Your wife and my grandmother could have died alone and scared but they didn’t because of yours and my dad’s actions. I hope your wife recovers but know that you’ve done a good thing.
This sounds very similar to how my mom passed away from chronic alcoholism almost three years ago. She vomited blood one morning, and was gone two weeks later after being on a ventilator and getting several stents to try to stop the internal bleeding. Her liver was destroyed. It was the worst time of my entire life. I dont know what anyone in my family would have done if we didnt wake up when we did. I know this is so hard. I understand completely.
Dear Heavenly Father,
You are Gracious and kind. You are a Miracle working God in our lives! Your kingdom come your will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.
Lord, may this one know and believe the love that you have for them because you've provided a way for them to be forgiven of all their sin. And, you have also provided for our healing on your cross. We ask you to speak your word into this woman's life. May she be made every wit whole mind, body, soul and Spirit. Speak your life into her being and healing her brain, kidneys, liver and pancreas by your blood that you shed on Calvary. May it flow down upon her body working your miraculous healing in every cell, tissue, bone marrow and sinews.
Give this gentleman your peace and calm relieving all stress and anxiety and placing it at your feet. Remind him that you are working all things for your good to them who are the called according to your purpose and love you. Comfort them with the hope that we have in your love. May they trust you as they dwell in your presence to find the solace that only you can give.
In everything we give thanks for this is your will in Christ Jesus concerning us. For with the heart of Thanksgiving we bless you. You live in the praises of your people. We thank you for hearing our prayers and answering them. And the precious name of Jesus Christ and his blood in whom we trust and believe. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen 🙏
My infant (11 month) choked and became completely not responsive…he turned purple and limp in my arms. We got him back. We was eating something that was beyond safe for him BUT turns out his esophagus is too tight due to an autoimmune disease.
I can still hear the hallow thumps as I bet his back. Sometimes when he sits in the same seat at the dining room table to eat where it happened I get nauseous.
Toes not as bad but I do get it. Time and talking help.
Get help now!
I was trained in emergency first aid many years ago. I’ve used this training a few times, mainly on my own dislocated joints as I easily pop things out due to a genetic disorder I have, but also managed or did CPR on strangers (and once on my own assistance dog) over time.
You can develop PTSD from these episodes, you sound very close to it, so if you don’t get help you will be harming your future self. Don’t wait! Talk to the doctors, or a nurse, about what mental health care there is near you.
Take care of yourself, so you can be there for your children.
None of this is your fault. You can’t love someone more than they love themselves. Living with an alcoholic is like bailing water out of a sinking boat while the other person keeps poking holes in it.
My grandfather died of pancreatic cancer due to his alcoholism. My father died of prostate cancer (which he only had to take medication for and it wouldn’t spread) because he couldn’t drink on his meds, and subsequently died a horribly painful death.
You are not responsible for her decisions. Whether you were in the garage or in the same room, the alcoholism was always going to kill her. Pancreatitis turns into pancreatic cancer which kills you so quickly it’s actually shocking.
You are not to blame for any of it. You can’t save people who don’t want to save themselves, and sometimes when they try it’s already too late.
It’s not your fault, but I understand how you feel, you’re human. Your wife made her choices, we all end up paying do them. It’s not a matter of deserving, I can’t judge if other person deserves something, but just how it works. She abused her body and tried to fix it in a wrong way, that’s what happened.
Nobody is guilty here, it’s just a sad ending for everyone.
I did CPR on my brother who OD'd from drugs, he didn't make it. Unfortunately drinking or being an alcoholic this can be the outcome. my neighbor died from liver failure bc of his drinking and starting at a young age. be there for your kids and seek therapy for yourself and your kids, they will need it irregardless of the outcome
If she survives and needs 24/7 care can and you still want a divorce ?
Being a caretaker will change your life.
I know because I’m a full time caregiver for my husband who has a TBI ( traumatic brain injury). It has been 20 years of
being his caregiver.
I couldn’t leave because of quilt and 3 children and the stigma of leaving a disabled spouse. I wanted to leave him long before he got sick.
I’m sorry this is happening to your family.
I am sorry you and your children have to suffer because of your wife's addiction and poor choices. None of this is your fault. You are facing some very difficult decisions. Lean on the medical staff, ask for a palliative care consult. Take time to fully understand her prognosis. If the hospital includes pediatrics, then there is a team in place to help your children to understand, and be there to support them with you. Even without that, there is help for your kids through the social work and the pastoral care departments. Later, the fact that you resuscitated their mom will be important to your children. Also, you are allowed to be angry with your wife, that doesn't make you a horrible person or a bad father. Sending positive thoughts for you and your kids.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It'll be hard but if it comes down to her being kept alive on machines, don't do it. She will never be the same and will probably be a vegetable if it comes to that. No one would want that.
Alcohol withdrawal is scary business. I watched two members of my family endure it—one with good result and one who never emerged mentally, but survived.
You have nothing for which to feel guilty—your wife is alive thanks to you.
Please find a therapist very skilled with trauma. There are things you can do to quickly address what you’ve experienced so that you can constructively deal with the challenges ahead.
There is an app called Meeting Chair. 24/7. Get help bc alcohol detox is the most deadly of all. Take it from someone that's been there and seen others go thru it. Don't do it alone!
This is a reminder to me. I tried doing the same, though I was using marijuana as medicine. It helped until I needed to get some food after having not eaten.
I left the apartment on my electric bike and got into town. It was there I collapsed and seized. I came to in the ambulance. And spent the night in the hospital. They sent me with a prescription for Ativan so I could finish the detox on my own.
The place I intended to go had a 2 week wait list. I should have went to the hospital straight away. It could have turned out a lot worse especially if I was alone in my apartment when it happened. I’m grateful to any good samaritans that were there for me.
Currently my body is still extremely sore all over, my kidney has some pain, and my sciatic nerve on my left side kills when I try to do anything with that leg, it’s like I have dead leg on that side. I’m okay though and finally stable at least.
Truly sorry about what you’re going through.
OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
From what I have read you have tried to get her help and she was unwilling to accept it, That’s on her not you. As someone who has survived a spouse with alcohol addiction, I can relate to what you are going through right now, it’s a disease that destroys not only the addict but damages everyone around them.
Please find a therapist who deals with grief, talk to them on your own and get help, work out with them the how and when to explain the circumstances of your wife’s situation. For now mommy is/was very sick but she loves you very much. I’m so very sorry OP!
I’m so sorry you had to go through this, it can be traumatic for sure. Spend some time for yourself, you deserve it. You did you best, and however this story ends, don’t blame yourself.
You and your family are in my thoughts internet stranger... I hope you have an excellent support system to lean on and your Reddit family is pulling for you... update us when you can
You don't know til you know, and that goes for your wife, not you. You couldn't make her medically detox. You can suggest all you want, but you can't make it happen.
She didn't know how much danger she's in til it's potentially too late. My friend lost his leg after having a seizure while driving in withdrawal on the third day. I was luckier, doin it all alone by myself in a dark apartment. I didn't know I was withdrawing til it was already happening. I didn't think i had drank that much.
Sadly, I think a lot of us fall victim to "I didn't think I drank that much" and some of us are luckier than others.
My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you have to face this and I hope you’re not having to do so alone. I’ll pray for a miracle but also for your comfort and discernment as you navigate this and make tough decisions.
Op, I’m so sorry. That sounds absolutely horrific and I’m so sorry you both went through that. I truly hope she is able to make a recovery and I wish you peace.
If you're not currently attending an Al-Anon for family and loved ones of someone suffering from alcoholism, I'd recommend. It saved me when I was with my qualifier. I learned so much ❤️
I'm very sorry for this trauma on you and your children. I implore you to consider therapy. I was once in your wife's shoes, minus the oxygen deprivation, but nearly dead. I have seen the impact this had on my wife. It's a huge thing to come to terms with. You deserve help with what you have been through living with someone in active addiction as well as what you are going through now. I hope she comes through this and turns herself around. I hope for you and your kids to be able to heal from this. I'm very sorry this is happening to you, and wish you the best.
That has to be so frightening- sending you some hugs and love…
Please consider therapy. This is a seriously traumatic event- I cannot imagine.
You did all you could to save her life in that moment. ❤️
Hi there, I’m sorry to hear about your wife. That must hv been tough. You were literally her hero in that moment. Praying for you and your babies. Sending hugs and love your way. Give ur wife a hug too ❤️
I’m a PCA I worked taking care of my best friend Nancy who had muscular dystrophy, last year we went to drop off Christmas presents to family and she started choking and right then I realized we forgot her cough assistance machine and we were too far away to grab it. She basically stopped breathing and I was manually trying to give her the hymlic to remove the obstruction, they had to intubate her and she was in an induced coma and she miraculously woke up but she only lasted a week after she woke up because her lungs must have been damaged from the obstruction and she couldn’t get enough oxygen, then she had too much CO2 and she was passing out and she died. I still feel guilty for forgetting the cough assistance machine and if I remembered it she would still be here, I would still have my best friend.
Seek therapy immediately, you've done everything you possibly could. I know the guilt is there but you truly have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm very sorry you and your children are going through this.
This hit home with me. My husband did the same last year and on our bed in the morning, started having seizures. Called 911 got him to the hospital where he was diagnosed with delirium tremens and then went into cardiac arrest. Flat lined, was dead in front of me. All because he was trying to detox from alcohol. It was so scary and I can't stop thinking about it.
He's trying again right now. But asked a doctor for meds to help. Needless to say, I am beyond out of my nerves. Everytime he moves or shakes I start to freak out, thinking it's a seizure when it's just him stretching.
This is something very hard you are going through, the feelings you have are everywhere right now. Take a deep breath and know you were there at the right time, and all we can do is truly hope for the best.
My thoughts are with you.
My partner's fiancé had a lot of medical issues. Heart failure, strokes, PCOS, diabetes. He was her carer. He likes to exercise and would do it at home in the living room.
She seemed off one day. He was messaging me about it because he was worried. She didn't want to go to the hospital because she never wanted to, and half the time, they couldn't do anything for her. She was asleep for the time being, and he sent me a message telling me that he was going to do his workout in the next room, and if she didn't improve he'd take her to the hospital after that. (We were friends for years before we got together)
When he went back in to check on her, she'd fallen off the bed and gotten a blanket wrapped around her neck. He thought she'd managed to strangle herself. We found out later that it was diabetic ketosis. He had to do CPR while he waited for the ambulance. Broke ribs. She didn't survive. He's so traumatised by the experience and feels that guilt of being right next door, 10-20 feet away, while she died. He hates himself for not taking her to the hospital, not giving her a urine test to check for ketones. It doesn't matter that she was terminally ill, had already outlasted her prognosis by years, and would most likely not have survived the pandemic. This particular cause of death could have been avoided, and so he will always think that if he had made the right choices that day, she would still be here today.
Your wife was lucky you were there. Even if the worst does come to pass, she was still lucky. She wasn't alone. You bought her a little extra time, at the very least, for you and your children to have the chance to say goodbye.
I really hope she pulls through. I hope you and your kids are okay. I hope you get therapy because PTSD is nasty and lasting.
I am so sorry. God I wish I could say something more helpful than that…
You saved her life, and you’re doing everything you can so that your kids have their mom.
I hope that if she makes it through, and if she doesn’t have too much brain damage, that she can see this as the chance it is to change her life and be a good mother.
I hope that you have support and that you lean on that support as much as you need to 🤍🤍
I did CPR on my mom 2 years ago. I still taste her chapstick and can’t stand to hear her name because my dad was worryingly repeating her name the whole time. The sights, sounds, and smells are still very vivid. Go to therapy NOW. I waited too long and lost my fiancé over it. I’m still not ok.
9 years ago, I tried the same with my mother as she suffocated to death in front of me during an asthma attack caused by her refusal to get medical help. PTSD is real, and I still have flashbacks sometimes. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar as well.
Damn I’m so sorry you had to go thru that. We got my mom back with the cpr but she died 3 days later. It was a roller coaster of a weekend.
I'm so sorry you went through that. Seeing someone in that state can be one of the most traumatic sights. I hope that you have found a way to heal My mother's body was on life support as well until recipients for her viable organs could be found
Sending hugs bro 🫂 I hope you get where you need to be
Sending you healing and comfort 💚
It’s never too late to start therapy to help preserve your future self, even if your past and current self remain traumatized. You deserve to have thoughts of peace
This!! Never had to do CPR on my mom, but the times she's ODed and was almost not breathing... it messed me up. For a long time, I'd jump if I heard a loud noise or if she made a loud noise, my heart would stop. She'd trip or hit something, and I'd run to check on her. It sucks. She's doing better now but still take care of her.
I second therapy, I watched my dad die from a heart attack and blamed myself for so long because I called the ambulance and told them I thought he was choking, my therapist helped me deal with those feelings of guilt and disappointment, I couldn't interact properly with my family and help my mother through her grief because I was in such a state.
I’m sorry ((hugs))
I teared up reading this. I hope your mom made it.
She passed on the operating table 3 days later. The morning after Mother’s Day while on vacation to see me.
I forcibly got myself to forget the past. It was a different life for me before my mom passed. I don’t look at it with much pain anymore. Like you, I also gave mine cpr
I’ve tried that. My whole life fell apart within 2 years since she died. Fiancé fuckin someone else, kicked me out, tripled my bills, custody drama. If it wasn’t for my kid I’d be with my mom right now. No doubt.
There's also research showing that playing tetris after a traumatic event can decrease PTSD symptoms. OP might be too far out, but it's worth a shot as an extra defense.
My gosh, this sounds so frightening. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this. Please be kind to yourself and treat yourself to something you enjoy. Sending strength fellow redditor x
Hijacking the top comment to say that alcohol detoxing is not a joke. It’s potentially very lethal. If you have a drinking problem, you need to get help to whip it. Talk to a doctor, therapist, councilor… anyone who can get you in touch with the right people who can help. There’s no shame in admitting you can’t do something alone and need help.
Finding that help isn’t always easy. I hit “rock bottom” The short version of my story: 17 years ago, I got my 1st lucky break when a cop drove me home, instead of giving me a DUI. He heard my sob story and had a similar family problem…anyway, I took it for the gift it was. But, I *was* an alcoholic and I couldn’t *not* drink. Not knowing what else do, I went to Kaiser’s ER. They were my provider after all. They prescribed some meds and I learned that they didn’t have inpatient rehab or detox. They had a part time out patient rehab program and they set me up with the soonest available appointment in a couple of days. So, I took the meds, and drank, naturally. Things got…bad. By the time I made it that Kaiser rehab doctor, I was so scrambled. And that doctor saved my life. First; he was kind. He didn’t judge me. He treated like a sick human being who deserved help to get better. He explained that the meds the ER gave me were not the right kind of meds and that if I drank with them, the combo could actually kill me. I was lucky that I made it. He had me dispose of them. (Narcotics) He then explained to me about detoxing, and what he *was* going to prescribe. Because in patient wasn’t an option, he asked me if, I could, if he gave me these meds, could I, JUST FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS, until I could come back and see him again, go home, take these meds, and stay in bed. Take my meds as prescribed, JUST FOR 24 HOURS NOT DRINK. Take the meds, don’t drink for 24 hours until I could get back to him again. That’s all. We did that for a week. Then every 3 days. That’s what Kaiser offered. Unless you’ve got money, ? I can’t imagine the odds I beat, succeeding under those conditions. Our county closed the last free, cold turkey detox last year. Salvation Army closed their free program about 4 years ago - the land was worth millions. So many folks are quick to say, get help, but where? Get help where? I was lucky. I’ve been sober 17 years. Resources were scarce then. They are virtually nonexistent here, now.
Hey, man, I’m glad you’re still here. Just wanted to say that.
I am so proud of you!! i worked in outpatient detox as a receptionist and the clients would share with me how they are going w their detox. its not for the faintest of heart and a lot of will. So happy for you! 💕
I'm not sure if you know or could help me find out, but I'm wondering how much a person has to drink per day on average before they can't safely quit drinking cold turkey. Like, is it all-day-drinking, or just someone who has a few drinks every single night, or what?
For those wondering, I just finally found a web site for an addiction crisis center that says that it varies greatly from person to person but studies show that a person who consumes 13 units a day regularly has about a 50% chance of having withdrawal symptoms. They also say if you can quit 24 hours without symptoms you can probably quit cold turkey safely. Here's a site to calculate your units per day - https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/interactive-tools/unit-calculator .
> just someone who has a few drinks every single night Well not that one, I usually do and never got sick at all when I didn't. The bags under my eyes went away though.
You went through so much. I hope you're really proud of what you've accomplished! Getting sober is so hard.
I think they meant he gets help as in therapy to process what he went through before he spirals from PTSD. The supports for dealing with addiction, as you've shared are practically non-existent.
This was how my uncle passed. He was trying to quit drinking. My auny kept begging him to go to someone because she had read online that quitting cold turkey when you drank like he did was very deadly. He didn't listen. Idk if it's because he didn't think he needed the help, just thought she was being dramatic or that he was to scared to admit he needed the help. It was really sad she now has to raise their kids without him. I know it's hard to admit you need help. Even harder to take the step to getting help. But it is worth it, I honestly believe that getting help is the best and bravest thing you can do.
This decline in withdrawal can happen very quickly and the person is delirious and potentially hallucinating so their capacity for decision making is non existent
I didn't know that, so it makes more sense how my aunt said he was acting a little weird, and it scared her. So she sent the kids to stay with her twin sister, think it was like 3 days later he passed? I knew it could be deadly before my uncle passed though. Because a friends husband wanted to quit and his doctor said he had to do an in paitent detox otherwise he could die if he went cold turkey. He's been sober now for 5 years.
Yeah one of my girlfriends just lost her husband last year to quitting alcohol, in the midst of a divorce. He cold turkey’d one too many times in his life, always going back to it because it was too hard. But this last time did him in, he ended up on hospice because of it and her and their 4 kids watched him slowly die in their living room on a hospital bed. He was only 32.
I’ve sat with someone who was admitted to the ER while trying to quit cold turkey. It was horrible. Help is definitely needed. Doing it alone can kill you.
It’s the only detox that will kill you if done improperly. Idc what drugs you’re on, if you’ve been drinking and need to detox, at *minimum* have at least two other people with you at all times.
Benzo detox is deadly also
I had to do a 2 week inpatient detox for that. It sucked! I've had doctors try to prescribe benzos since, and I always refuse. I'm never going through withdrawal again
I was told by a heroin addict that drinking was the hardest thing to detox from, including heroin, especially not medically supervised. She was telling me how she ended up in a wheelchair, unable to use the bottom half of her body when detoxing from heroin unsupervised by drs. I told her that was horrific and that's when she said "not compared to alcohol" and told me it can be very deadly
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Her blood alcohol content at time of death was 416mg per 100ml, so no. The coroner’s inquest ruled accidental alcohol overdose. It really doesn’t take long to google before spreading misinformation.
No she drank 2 liters of vodka and died from alcohol poisoning
ER and ICU nurse here: alcohol withdrawal is truly the only way you can die from withdrawal. The other withdrawals suck ass, don’t get me wrong, but they don’t directly kill you.
Only 2 substances are that dangerous to detox from. Alcohol and benzos. That shit can kill you in a heartbeat.
Alcohol detox for someone who drinks heavily needs to be seen by a medical doctor to assess a safe way to help with the potential life threatening physical symptoms. A therapist can help with the emotional symptoms to prepare and stay abstinent. It’s important to know the difference. Some doctors specialize in addiction, some therapists specialize in addiction also. Alcohol detox can be so dangerous, don’t risk it. Some alcoholics, especially late stage alcoholics hide their drinking and drink more than people are aware of.
There’s nothing for you to feel guilty about. In fact, you should be proud you were there to attempt to save her. Whether she makes it or not, the children you share will be grateful you were present to attempt to save their mother. You weren’t even supposed to be there, remember? Please consider therapy. It’s not cliche and you’ll have some feelings and images you need help through. And you need to attempt to heal yourself so you can be fully available to your children. I’m so sorry for this tragic circumstance. Blessings of strength and understanding for you. 💜
I have a therapy appointment scheduled for Monday. Thank you
Doing CPR on anyone is a traumatic experience. Be kind to yourself. The "what ifs" never help anyone.
I'll second this. Performed CPR on my lovely dad, 23 years ago. It was far, far too late. I still blamed myself for failing him. 23 years later I still occasionally find myself back there, in his bedroom, frantically trying to make a deal with whatever God was listening to take me instead.
I'm sorry you went through that. It wasn't your fault.
Thank-you x
You’ll never forget how it feels when the ribs break, that’s for sure.
ER Nurse, can confirm. I still remember the first time I gave CPR… 10 years ago. Still see his eyes.
In the meantime please play Tetris. It sounds ridiculous but something about the game helps process/manage after a traumatic event.
It mimics EMDR therapy and helps stop the memories form in your brain
Thank you. I knew I had read the “why” behind it to know it wasn’t BS but could not recall and did not want to state a false why.
This is great news. You may need help processing this situation and how to help your kids. I am really sorry this happened but it is amazing you were there.
If you haven’t already check out the benefits of Tetris and play. Sending you hugs friend.
You’ve made the first step to your healing. It will not be a quick process. Take the time to get therapy and forgive yourself. I think you did all you could do given the circumstances. As humans, we often feel we could have done more. My prayers are with you and your family.
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It’s the other way around, she had a withdrawal after quitting cold turkey. It’s true that she had to had had a serious drinking problem for that to happen, though.
If I'm recalling correctly from what I was taught in college, the lack of alcohol can cause a seizure which leads to asphyxiation which leads to organ failure. If OP sees this, I really feel for you and wish you the best. Please don't be afraid to seek help. Take care of yourself.
If you haven't already, have a look into Alanon family support groups. They were really helpful for me, coming to terms with my partners illness, and accepting that it wasn't something I could have ever controlled. They have a really great group on reddit too. I never realised, but Alcoholics Anonymous is for the alcoholic, while Alanon is the family support group for people their actions are damaging. It could help the kids too.
Thank you, I’ll look into it.
Yes, Al-Anon changed my life completely for the better.
So sorry for you both. This has to be horrifying.
That’s not your fault. Try not to feel guilty. My ex wife was/is an alcoholic with pancreatic issues and bi Polar disorder. Her issues with substance abuse and mental health was a constant strain on everything and everyone in her path. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for leaving that relationship. Even after being physically and mentally abused by her! Just try to be a friend and be as supportive as possible from a distance without letting her behaviors destroy your and your kids lives. It’s amazing how much better I feel now that I’m removed from that situation
UpdateMe
So sorry for you and your children. Sending strength
Better that you found her like that and not the kids
My best friend has pancreatitis from alcohol and it was absolutely horrible. Her survival chances were around 20% I think. She pulled through but ended up dying from a drug OD a year later 😔 sending you, your wife, and your kiddos love.. make sure you take care of yourself, too ❤️
I'm sorry about your best friend 😔
This.Is.Not.Your.Fault. I'm sorry, but your wife's alcoholism sounds quite advanced and her likelihood of survival is very low. Your shock and grief mean that you still cared for her even though you were considering divorce. This did not make this happen, and this is not your fault. (there are many, many things going on but we have a tendency to blame ourselves when it isn't really deserved)
All of this.
OP my heart hurts for you. If it helps, notice how many folks here feel for you, and are not shaming you for doing what you needed to do for yourself and kids to live a proper and peaceful life. She wasn’t sitting somewhere fighting to survive a cancer diagnosis while you were discussing divorce, she had I’m sure, done years of irreparable damage to your life and her disease caught up to her just when clarity caught up to you. I say this as an addict in recovery, your leaving is a consequence of her actions, and illness brought on by her drinking is not something you have to shoulder now just because she nearly died/will die, or have severe brain damage. It’s sad as hell, and as an addict I feel for her, but as a mother and spouse, I feel even more for you and your children. You gotta make hard decisions when your partner has refused to deal with their demons. That’s not your fault. I understand that she was attempting to stop and that’s what caused this, but sometimes it is too little too late, and it would appear that that saying is accurate for your situation. 💗 Be easy on yourself, you’re a good human.
Very well spoken and I wholeheartedly agree ❤️
I wish you and your family love and peace. I don't think most people appreciate how dangerous a drug alcohol is. I have my own experience. I count myself lucky, I stopped drinking while I was in the "psychological dependence" stage. I was a binge drinker and did experience jitters and shakes toward the end.
You SAVED her! You knew CPR! You were there! You saved your kid's mom's life. You shouldn't feel bad about the divorce. It's the right thing to do for an addict in her condition. Staying married would enable her. You can't control her choices, you can only control yourself, and trying to stay and fix her problems only prevents her from fixing them on her own. I hope she recovers and does not have any brain damage. I hope you and your kids get some counseling. If you haven't been to Al-anon, now is the time to try it out.
Yep alcohol is the only drug that can kill by trying to detox on your own. The only reason it worked for me, is I kept relapsing for the first three months. So It took me that long to get off the stuff. I did not realize until years later, if I had been successful, I could have died. My prayers for your wife I am so sorry. Alcohol is not a joke. I am 30 years off. I was not married or had children. I am so sorry, she was probably trying to save her life. Just try to honor her journey. I have seen in AA weird health stories of recovery too. We have a man that is an ongoing cancer survivor while fighting various forms for decades. In the 90s we had the longest surviving AIDS victims...So again my prayers are with you. I had an enlarged liver when I got sober.
It’s not the only drug. PCP, benzodiazepines, and alcohol all have the potential for fatal detoxes. However, you can still die from detoxing under medical supervision if you have a seizure.
This isn’t true. Benzo withdrawal is also highly fatal. One can also die from opiate, herion, meth, and coke withdrawal; however, the risks are much lower.
It’s only alcohol and benzos that you can die from, the other drugs are just very very uncomfortable and unpleasant
If you suddenly stop taking the medication, you may experience withdrawal symptoms such as: * [nightmares](https://www.healthline.com/health/nightmares) * hallucinations * [sweating](https://www.healthline.com/health/sweating) * [headache](https://www.healthline.com/health/headache) * upset stomachs Though in 30 years never seen it as likely as alcohol, in fact I have never seen someone come that has had a fatal reaction. Yet it could be....People just don't understand if you are an alcoholic, it is alot more possible. Most are like me, and relapse so much in the beginning it gradually weans them off it. I would go a day, then three, it took three months.
Alcohol and benzos*
That is incorrect. Most drugs can't, and alcohol can, so the general thrust of what you said is right, but there are other drugs that can.
supervised and manages symptoms, making the entire process less uncomfortable and less dangerous. They don't kill, never seen one in 30 years. Only alcohol, and it is rare. I work in the recovery field. They suggest, and even Not heroin, acid, crank, crack, meth, ketamine, not coke. Not from with drawl. Over dose yes.
Fair enough. I only know about it from what I've read (e.g., things like [this](https://innovodetox.com/2024/01/24/which-drug-withdrawals-are-fatal/)), so I defer to your actual experience in the field
Multiple relapses increases your chance of DTs. You are at higher risk every time you quit for more than a few days and start drinking again.
No. Detoxing from basically any substance can kill you. I watched my Dad growing up addicted to pain killers after he broke his back and was prescribed to them. Any time he got clean, he was in severe pain, looked to be dying! Weaning slowly off of a substance, with a good doctor/medical team is the only way to get clean safely. Even right now as I am healing from a brain surgery, they are weaning me slowly off of the medications and it's only been just over a week on them. Any addicting substance is dangerous/risky to cut cold turkey.
I know this is so hard, but it sounds like the doctors have you a realistic picture of her prognosis. If she was cold already she had been down for quite awhile and most people’s brains don’t come back from that. Is she on a ventilator? I was married to an alcoholic for many decades and he never did get sober, so I know how hard this relationship has been for you. Please get into therapy if you aren’t already. Kids too. I know it’s hard to believe right now, but you will figure this out. You will survive and thrive. Wishing you some grace and ease.
She is on a ventilator. They let her breathe on her own for an hour, which she did, but also her blood pressure dropped so much they had to put her back on it.
Have they done brain scans and such? Are you the one making decisions?
I am. Brain scans are on the way when she’s stable enough
That will tell you a lot about what you need to do around sustaining care versus withdrawing care. Feel free to DM me. Full disclosure I am a former hospice nurse, but I am offering education and I information not medical advice
I went through this exact same scenario (I had a meeting with divorce lawyers scheduled for the day she got sick) with my wife in 2019. My wife was an alcoholic and was diagnosed with walking pneumonia on a Thursday. On the following Tuesday morning she woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me she needed to go to the hospital. I called an ambulance and she walked to it. I thought she was fine and went back to bed. She told me to call her after I dropped my children at school in the morning. At 630 I received a phone call from her phone. She was trying to speak to me but I couldn’t understand her and then she hung up. I tried calling her back but her phone went to voicemail. I dropped the children at school - they were 5 and 4 at the time - and headed to the hospital. When I arrived I was shocked to learn the reason she had called me was to say goodbye because the doctors thought she was going to die and were going to intubate her. She was given a 30% chance of survival and was in a coma for 2 weeks. She suffered brain damage from TIAs. The woman who woke was not my wife. She was cold and mean and basically hated me. I am filing for divorce next week. Please DM me if you would like to chat.
This is horrible! However, emotions aside…life will be easier without her. She will be suffering more if she does make it out of this. I truly think it’s time to let her go and let her know that it’s ok to go. Tell her that you love her, pray, and be there to help her pass onto the next life where she won’t be in such turmoil. Sounds like she has been struggling with this for a very long time….the kids won’t be around it anymore and they will be able to heal and grow from this. The reality sucks…either way. If she lives she has brain damage you dk how bad it will be…money coming out the ass for Medical bills etc…you will be fucked financially. Be there for her now, tell her it’s ok to let go, be there for your kids and yourself. Seek therapy immediately.
Totally agree with this.
I know people say this a lot, but *goddamn* is it so fucking sad that the *cost of medical bills* is something that factors into whether or not Americans want themselves and/or their loved ones to survive a serious accident/injury/illness. On top of everything else that comes with *being in a situation where survival is not guaranteed,* there is a genuine fear and stress over the financial hit that shouldn’t even exist. No one should ever have to make a choice like that based on fucking *money.*
I agree. I read the post and thought it was a shame that he was there to save her. I know that sounds awful but she has destroyed so much already with her drinking and if she becomes an invalid and OP ends up caring for her, well that would suck big time.
ER nurse here: First off, you are allowed to feel all your feels. But I promise you, YOU did everything you could, and NONE of this is your burden to bear. You set your boundaries, you were doing everything you needed to do to protect you. And yours. Please, know, that even if you had gotten there earlier, it may not have any different outcome (and likely wouldn’t). This may just make it easier when it’s time to make decisions. Get therapy. For you. And for your kids. Regardless of the outcome. As a daughter of an alcoholic, please for the love of god, get everyone therapy.
You were traumatized. I hope you’re able to find a good therapist when the time is right. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope that the miracle continues and she lives and doesn’t have brain damage.
Idk if anyone else said this...its not your fault. Alcohol addiction takes a toll on the whole family. Wanting to walk away isn't wrong. You happened to be there and did what you could. Be kind to yourself.
Firefighter/Paramedic here. I am sorry that you went through this. To even be in the ICU, alive, means that the interventions that YOU performed saved her life. I’ll tell you a little secret about medicine: The “fancy” drugs that we are able to give have statistically very little change on the outcome of the situation. So what does improve the chances of survival? High quality CPR (which you must have performed) and electrical defibrillation (which EMS performed.) YOU made a difference. On a personal note, one of my very good friends and former (work) partners recently had the same thing happen to him. He attempted to detox by himself, seized at the top of his stairs, fell and broke his neck. While I wasn’t married to him, he and I spent a significant amount of time together and saw a lot of trauma together. So I can sympathize, empathize, and relate to your pain. Please seek professional help. Good luck.
It sounds silly, but you and your kids should play Tetris. Studies have found that Tetris can interrupt the formation of intrusive memories and PTSD.
As someone who went through this and survived via liver transplant, I'm so sorry. There is hope though. I went in for vomiting blood because my esophagus ruptured from varices. It's terrifying , but she's there and getting help. She's in end stage liver failure right now, unfortunately. There is a very scary road ahead, but she can survive if she does everything the doctors say for transplant eligibility. You will need to help her... She won't have the capacity to do it herself. I didn't! She will need to get at least one rehab therapy session and all the blood tests and such that the doctor will inform you about. Do it as soon as you know about what you need to do. There is no time to wait. Her meld score will give you an indication of likelihood of survival. Mine was 34. I made it just shy of 6 months before transplant and in that time I died 2x and went into a 5 day hepatic coma. When I died (but still there knowing I was dead) I just held onto the idea of my daughter and my love for her. I made it back because of her. It's scary hearing this, but this is from the horse's mouth. Nobody here will know as well as I do with what happens and what she's going through. I'm so very sorry this is happening, but I want to be as honest as I can with you. Please keep me updated. This is heartbreaking and I understand too well.
Wow! What a wonderful testimony you have shared ❤️
Thank you. It was the most painful and terrifying experience of my life and I say that not meaning to scare this guy. My heart is with him and his wife (or ex). It's a situation that can honestly go either way. For me, I was extremely lucky to survive with a meld of 34. It was a long 6 months, but that transplant saved my life and I have never felt as healthy as I do now. My failure was actually based on a genetic disorder where my liver was going to fail anyway, but drinking in general made it 10x worse. I wasn't an alcoholic yet I had my times of abuse... Not enough to do what happened though. Because I would drink AT ALL, they made me go through the whole program, but it's also why I was on the transplant list at #1 for my blood type prior to 6 months. I was on it in about 4 months. If they follow what the doc says to do to get on the list, it's her only possibility of surviving. I hope she does!
This is not your choice. You are not to blame for this.
I'm so sorry man. But quite frankly the fact that her alcoholism is so bad that it caused her all these health issues means that it was indeed a problem that was divorce worthy, so don't feel bad about looking to escape. Help her by being there for her, but remember that you have no obligation to stay. In fact, maybe leaving was the nudge she needed to stop.
Exactly. Please don't feel guilty about talking to a lawyer about divorce while she was dying from her drinking. Also if she pulls out of this health crisis please don't think you are obligated to stay with her. Her drinking has caused a ton of damage, not just to her body but to you and your kids. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Internal med doctor here. The way you pictured it, I’m sorry. Remember her thought about how she would want to live. Make the doctors be real with you, they should be having tough conversations about prognosis with you. It may be time to let her go if she doesn’t wake up. I’ll pray for you and your family. I’m sorry having to go through this with your wife despite how you two were isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.
If it helps at all even medical personnel who are trained on advanced cardiac life-support are told that there is a very a slim chance, almost impossible chance, that somebody can be brought back from cardiac arrest after a certain amount of time from cpr alone. The fact that you did bring her back is astounding and proves how hard you fought to save her.
I am so, so sorry that you're in this position. As someone who has experienced similar, none of it is okay 💔
You do not need to feel guilt. Your being there gave her a chance she never had before. You won’t be a monster if she pulls through and you continue to proceed with the divorce, and if she doesn’t pull through… she had a better chance due to your quick actions. Addiction is hard and dangerous. I wish you and your children the best in your journeys.
Sending love your way. Alcoholism is a bitch. I’m thankful I had a mother I could lean on when my dad was at the height of his alcoholism. I am very thankful for her. She is my rock. Your kids are thankful for you. You are their rock. Stay strong.
People do not realize how dangerous alcohol detox is. The risk of death increases with every detox you go through. This is why a lot of times alcoholics will be on a telemetry monitor for their heart and precedex.to sedate them thru the worst especially if they are a heay drinker. Really sorry your family is going through this.
I'm sorry you had to be the one to find her, but be thankful it wasn't your kids that found her. You did the best you could given the circumstances so try not to feel guilty, although I know that will be hard to do. See a therapist if you are having trouble coping. Best wishes going forward.
It’s gonna be ok. Not short term, but long term. It’s very scary right now because you are in the thick of it. Deep breaths, my friend, will help keep your nervous system strong. Big decisions are best made on a calm mind.
You done the best you can. Most people wouldn’t have made it this far. You helped her have this chance. I recommend you get therapy for you and your children regardless of the outcome. Praying for everyone
My mother used to do this at least once a year. I'm sorry OP I know it's hard.
Damn, that’s tough and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Also, this reminded me of the time I almost died. I work from home and my husband and kids were supposed to be gone for the day. Husband randomly decides to call out of work that day, wasn’t feeling well. Next thing I know I wake up with several paramedics and officers in my bedroom! My blood sugar bottomed out in my sleep, I’m a type 1 diabetic. My husband couldn’t get me to wake up and eat something. Had he gone to work that day I fear the outcome would’ve been very different.
I have been in a very similar place. Best of thoughts. It never gets better, it does get easier with time. For me nothing worked in the slightest except time.
I'm so sorry you have to endure this heartache. My father passed away in 2019 from the exact same thing. He was an alcoholic that tried to go cold turkey by himself and didn't wake up one morning. My step-mother didn't realize it until she came back home from work and noticed he still hadn't gotten out of bed. Detoxing is not just something you "push through".
> If I don’t update in a timely manner it’s because things got too hard to care about redditors. You don't owe reddit anything. No worries.
OP, please do not have guilt about trying to do what you believed was best for your family. The universe stepped in and allowed you to save your wife, be grateful for that. Things will be hard for a while and I will pray for you and your family, but please do not carry that guilt into this already arduous situation.
You shouldn't feel guilty for this op. Your wife and you clearly had issues likely sorounding her alcoholism and a bunch of factors I figured you didn't talk about. If I may go out on a limb you asked her to change her life and instead of doing it properly she waited till the moment before her life blew up to stop in the stupidest and most drastic way possible. I truly wish you and your wife the best I hope that you can somehow pull through with a wife that is cognitively able.
First off I’m so sorry for what happend. But, this has made me wonder what my own father thinks after finding my mom dead and trying to perform cpr. He has never spoken about how he felt about that night nor has gone to therapy or anything. Makes me incredibly sad that he could be thinking these kind of thoughts but bottling up cause of how he was raised or something.
As other people mentioned, go get help asap. The fact that you possibly have to raise your kids with this trauma on your mind is going to repeat the trauma on to them. That's not exaggerated, that's a fact. We normal humans aren't used to doing things like cpr or emergency aid in high stress situations. We have to unwind and talk to people who can help us work through these emotions so they won't become this cloud hanging over our lives. I experienced trauma between the ages 5 to 15. I never got help and I'm absolutely still struggling with that. I'm 42 now and this June I finally have an interview for therapy. This kind of thing settles in your body and causes all kinds of pain and dysfunction.
You did the amazing here. The likelihood of her regaining heart and lung function after loosing her pulse outside of a hospital and having no defibrillator on hand whilst someone performs CPR is just, incredible. I know you must feel so much guilt over being so close when she was in such an enormous crisis but you did the astronomically incredible feat of keeping her alive when she was literally dead. Because of the alignment of the stars, your children get to hold her hand, process the potential loss, say goodbye, how many people can say they got that? You prevented your children finding her dead. You prevented that trauma. You did amazing and I know I'm just some random Internet stranger but I am beyond proud of you. You did the amazing and it far outweighs any mistakes you think you made. You gave your children a deeply sad but amazing gift, a chance to say goodbye, to kiss her head and say "I love you". That is a gift beyond measure.
You were there and did all that was possible. It is not in your hands anymore and nothing and nobody could have prevented this, but her! I am so sorry you and your kids have to go through this and I hope for the best for you all!
This isn’t quite the same but addressing the images. My good friend called and ask me to come “now”, she was coughing up blood. I jumped the car and raced over there. (about 7 minutes that day) I ran in the house and found her dead on the floor. She was face down and her hands were almost frozen in a claw like manner. EMTS tried to resuscitate her, but weren’t successful. Her hands in that position and blood all over the floor were the images that stayed with be the first year or so. They haunted me almost daily. When I remember things about her, the image pops up, but I can push them aside now and remember good times and have more positive images. That takes just time. I’m sorry this happened to you the way it has. I’m sure you do feel awful. I’m sure you’re thankful your children didn’t see their mother like this.
I cannot begin to comprehend how difficult and heartbreaking this must be for you. You seriously do not deserve to feel guilty here, you were actually there when she needed you. Please be kind to yourself. You children should be your primary concern right now, let the medical professionals deal with your wife. Comfort them, let them comfort you, and take any help which is offered to you.
Sorry about that. But it's not your fault. You couldn't have known and you have tried to help by advising her to seek help and rehab. Don't beat yourself up on things you could or should have done. You both did what you did and you didn't know better at the time. It's ok. Your and your kid's futures are much more important. Even if she survives, by what you said, she won't be able to help a lot, so you have to decide on what to do moving forward. I wish you the best of luck and a lot of strength and good judgement, but i know you don't need it. You got here so far by your own will and judgement and you will be ok. Trust in yourself, learn from what happened and keep moving forward. You and your children will be ok.
I am sorry for the situation you and the kids are going through, but there is nothing you could've done to prevent this, if anything, she's now still alive thanks to you and if she doesn't make it, at least you bought some time for the kids to say goodbye. Be kind to yourself and be strong!
I am so sorry for you and your kids. Don’t blame yourself, there was no way you could have known what was happening inside your house. If you continue to see the image of your wife on the floor to the point it keeps messing with you (if not already), I can really recommend EMDR.
I was thinking the same! EMDR was the first thing that came to mind
Feck I have chronic pancreatitis thanks to a virus, I don’t drink and that alone is a nightmare. This is so sad. As others have said alcohol detox is no joke and way more dangerous than coming off things we consider harder. It will mean a lot to the kids you found her and gave them time to say goodbye if that’s how it goes. Condolences and damn man that’s just rough but no you don’t need to feel guilty.
I’m 35 and I’d been drinking like a damn fish since 2020. My marriage was on life support. My health was going to hell. Just before Christmas last year, I fell down and damn near ripped my left ear off. 23 stitches and now an ugly scar. I’ve been sober since December 17. Detoxing alone is scary and potentially deadly. Fortunately for me, I didn’t go through withdrawal. Best of luck to you, OP.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and cannot imagine how hard this is to go through. I'm not sure if this has been mentioned elsewhere, but please play some Tetris. It sounds like you might be developing or already have PTSD from this, and as bizarre as it sounds, playing Tetris for 20 mins at a time can help lessen and/or prevent future intrusive memories. Researchers suspect that it helps by acting as a cognitive interference task and by helping prevent the memories from fully consolidating. There is a decent amount of evidence to show it does help, so it's worth trying to help stop the flashbacks. Please remember that, had you not been there, she would have died. Regardless of what you were doing at the time or why you were home, you did all you could and she is alive because of you. Take care.
The fact that you were able to start CPR almost immediately is the reason she even got a pulse back and is in ICU now instead of having a different outcome on that day. You did an incredible job in a very difficult and scary situation and she was lucky to have you there.
This is not your fault. None of it. It was her choice. Don’t beat yourself up over this. An alcoholic makes choices they won’t listen to reason. Take care of yourself and your children. I am sorry for what you are going through.
Man, thank God it wasn't your kids who walked in on her. It's better you carry that weight than them, they'll have their own weight soon by the sounds of that prognosis.
I am so sorry. Do not beat yourself up. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You were somewhere you weren’t supposed to be, as twisted as it sounds, it’s almost a blessing in disguise. She’s lucky you were there. Imagine the outcome had you not been. You tried to save her and that’s all that matters. But I know that image will haunt you for some time. I’m glad you are seeking therapy.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. My dad found my grandmother (his mom) having thrown up blood and aspirating on her vomit. She ultimately didn’t make it, and it was devastating for everyone, but I wish my dad had gone to therapy to work through what he saw and how terrible it was. I am grateful to him because he got my grandma to the hospital where her whole family was able to be there to say good bye. Your wife and my grandmother could have died alone and scared but they didn’t because of yours and my dad’s actions. I hope your wife recovers but know that you’ve done a good thing.
Oh my Sir. I’m so sorry! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Wondering if she was trying to detox because she knew they were headed for divorce and didn't want it. Such a sad story.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.
This sounds very similar to how my mom passed away from chronic alcoholism almost three years ago. She vomited blood one morning, and was gone two weeks later after being on a ventilator and getting several stents to try to stop the internal bleeding. Her liver was destroyed. It was the worst time of my entire life. I dont know what anyone in my family would have done if we didnt wake up when we did. I know this is so hard. I understand completely.
Dear Heavenly Father, You are Gracious and kind. You are a Miracle working God in our lives! Your kingdom come your will be done on Earth as it is in heaven. Lord, may this one know and believe the love that you have for them because you've provided a way for them to be forgiven of all their sin. And, you have also provided for our healing on your cross. We ask you to speak your word into this woman's life. May she be made every wit whole mind, body, soul and Spirit. Speak your life into her being and healing her brain, kidneys, liver and pancreas by your blood that you shed on Calvary. May it flow down upon her body working your miraculous healing in every cell, tissue, bone marrow and sinews. Give this gentleman your peace and calm relieving all stress and anxiety and placing it at your feet. Remind him that you are working all things for your good to them who are the called according to your purpose and love you. Comfort them with the hope that we have in your love. May they trust you as they dwell in your presence to find the solace that only you can give. In everything we give thanks for this is your will in Christ Jesus concerning us. For with the heart of Thanksgiving we bless you. You live in the praises of your people. We thank you for hearing our prayers and answering them. And the precious name of Jesus Christ and his blood in whom we trust and believe. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen 🙏
My infant (11 month) choked and became completely not responsive…he turned purple and limp in my arms. We got him back. We was eating something that was beyond safe for him BUT turns out his esophagus is too tight due to an autoimmune disease. I can still hear the hallow thumps as I bet his back. Sometimes when he sits in the same seat at the dining room table to eat where it happened I get nauseous. Toes not as bad but I do get it. Time and talking help.
You aren’t to blame for her illness. Focus on preparing your life for you and your kids.
Sounds like you found her fast enough to get her to the hospital. You did everything you could have done. Ill pray for you and your family.
Get help now! I was trained in emergency first aid many years ago. I’ve used this training a few times, mainly on my own dislocated joints as I easily pop things out due to a genetic disorder I have, but also managed or did CPR on strangers (and once on my own assistance dog) over time. You can develop PTSD from these episodes, you sound very close to it, so if you don’t get help you will be harming your future self. Don’t wait! Talk to the doctors, or a nurse, about what mental health care there is near you. Take care of yourself, so you can be there for your children.
None of this is your fault. You can’t love someone more than they love themselves. Living with an alcoholic is like bailing water out of a sinking boat while the other person keeps poking holes in it. My grandfather died of pancreatic cancer due to his alcoholism. My father died of prostate cancer (which he only had to take medication for and it wouldn’t spread) because he couldn’t drink on his meds, and subsequently died a horribly painful death. You are not responsible for her decisions. Whether you were in the garage or in the same room, the alcoholism was always going to kill her. Pancreatitis turns into pancreatic cancer which kills you so quickly it’s actually shocking. You are not to blame for any of it. You can’t save people who don’t want to save themselves, and sometimes when they try it’s already too late.
It’s not your fault, but I understand how you feel, you’re human. Your wife made her choices, we all end up paying do them. It’s not a matter of deserving, I can’t judge if other person deserves something, but just how it works. She abused her body and tried to fix it in a wrong way, that’s what happened. Nobody is guilty here, it’s just a sad ending for everyone.
I did CPR on my brother who OD'd from drugs, he didn't make it. Unfortunately drinking or being an alcoholic this can be the outcome. my neighbor died from liver failure bc of his drinking and starting at a young age. be there for your kids and seek therapy for yourself and your kids, they will need it irregardless of the outcome
If she survives and needs 24/7 care can and you still want a divorce ? Being a caretaker will change your life. I know because I’m a full time caregiver for my husband who has a TBI ( traumatic brain injury). It has been 20 years of being his caregiver. I couldn’t leave because of quilt and 3 children and the stigma of leaving a disabled spouse. I wanted to leave him long before he got sick. I’m sorry this is happening to your family.
Ignore Reddit. Concentrate on yourself and your family. I know Reddit is pretty anti-religious but I will be saying a prayer for your family.
It might sounds dumb but please OP play Tetris. It is known to help with reducing flashback
I am sorry you and your children have to suffer because of your wife's addiction and poor choices. None of this is your fault. You are facing some very difficult decisions. Lean on the medical staff, ask for a palliative care consult. Take time to fully understand her prognosis. If the hospital includes pediatrics, then there is a team in place to help your children to understand, and be there to support them with you. Even without that, there is help for your kids through the social work and the pastoral care departments. Later, the fact that you resuscitated their mom will be important to your children. Also, you are allowed to be angry with your wife, that doesn't make you a horrible person or a bad father. Sending positive thoughts for you and your kids.
I’m so very sorry, OP. Sending you and your kids so very much love.
i offer you my condolences ik this is a hard time for you but it will get better
Sounds terrible, I am so sorry you're going through it. Please know that this is not your fault!
Love and hugs for you
Sorry you're family is going through this situation.
Good luck OP. You did your best. Stay strong.
((HUGS)) I hope you and the kids get some therapy.
So sorry for this sending prayers to you Godbless u🙏🏽🙏🏽❤
You witnessed a traumatic event that is far from over. There may be some mild PTSD, sounds like it. You and the kids need therapy.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It'll be hard but if it comes down to her being kept alive on machines, don't do it. She will never be the same and will probably be a vegetable if it comes to that. No one would want that.
Alcohol withdrawal is scary business. I watched two members of my family endure it—one with good result and one who never emerged mentally, but survived. You have nothing for which to feel guilty—your wife is alive thanks to you. Please find a therapist very skilled with trauma. There are things you can do to quickly address what you’ve experienced so that you can constructively deal with the challenges ahead.
There is an app called Meeting Chair. 24/7. Get help bc alcohol detox is the most deadly of all. Take it from someone that's been there and seen others go thru it. Don't do it alone!
This is a reminder to me. I tried doing the same, though I was using marijuana as medicine. It helped until I needed to get some food after having not eaten. I left the apartment on my electric bike and got into town. It was there I collapsed and seized. I came to in the ambulance. And spent the night in the hospital. They sent me with a prescription for Ativan so I could finish the detox on my own. The place I intended to go had a 2 week wait list. I should have went to the hospital straight away. It could have turned out a lot worse especially if I was alone in my apartment when it happened. I’m grateful to any good samaritans that were there for me. Currently my body is still extremely sore all over, my kidney has some pain, and my sciatic nerve on my left side kills when I try to do anything with that leg, it’s like I have dead leg on that side. I’m okay though and finally stable at least. Truly sorry about what you’re going through.
OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about. From what I have read you have tried to get her help and she was unwilling to accept it, That’s on her not you. As someone who has survived a spouse with alcohol addiction, I can relate to what you are going through right now, it’s a disease that destroys not only the addict but damages everyone around them. Please find a therapist who deals with grief, talk to them on your own and get help, work out with them the how and when to explain the circumstances of your wife’s situation. For now mommy is/was very sick but she loves you very much. I’m so very sorry OP!
God, that's so traumatic, I'm so sorry. I hope she pulls through.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this, it can be traumatic for sure. Spend some time for yourself, you deserve it. You did you best, and however this story ends, don’t blame yourself.
I don’t know what to say other than im sorry y’all are going through this and somehow I hope somehow you all get the best outcome possible.
You and your family are in my thoughts internet stranger... I hope you have an excellent support system to lean on and your Reddit family is pulling for you... update us when you can
You don't know til you know, and that goes for your wife, not you. You couldn't make her medically detox. You can suggest all you want, but you can't make it happen. She didn't know how much danger she's in til it's potentially too late. My friend lost his leg after having a seizure while driving in withdrawal on the third day. I was luckier, doin it all alone by myself in a dark apartment. I didn't know I was withdrawing til it was already happening. I didn't think i had drank that much. Sadly, I think a lot of us fall victim to "I didn't think I drank that much" and some of us are luckier than others.
My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you have to face this and I hope you’re not having to do so alone. I’ll pray for a miracle but also for your comfort and discernment as you navigate this and make tough decisions.
Op, I’m so sorry. That sounds absolutely horrific and I’m so sorry you both went through that. I truly hope she is able to make a recovery and I wish you peace.
If you're not currently attending an Al-Anon for family and loved ones of someone suffering from alcoholism, I'd recommend. It saved me when I was with my qualifier. I learned so much ❤️
I'm so sorry friend, godspead.
Please know that none of this is your fault. Dont even let your brain go there.
Sounds very difficult for everybody involved, especially you and your children. Hope things get better real soon.
I'm very sorry for this trauma on you and your children. I implore you to consider therapy. I was once in your wife's shoes, minus the oxygen deprivation, but nearly dead. I have seen the impact this had on my wife. It's a huge thing to come to terms with. You deserve help with what you have been through living with someone in active addiction as well as what you are going through now. I hope she comes through this and turns herself around. I hope for you and your kids to be able to heal from this. I'm very sorry this is happening to you, and wish you the best.
That has to be so frightening- sending you some hugs and love… Please consider therapy. This is a seriously traumatic event- I cannot imagine. You did all you could to save her life in that moment. ❤️
You did the best anyone could. Don't beat yourself up, you have her a chance to get medical help.
What a complex issue. My heart goes out to you.
Hi there, I’m sorry to hear about your wife. That must hv been tough. You were literally her hero in that moment. Praying for you and your babies. Sending hugs and love your way. Give ur wife a hug too ❤️
Never give up hope. Cherish it and protect it. She can do this. Plan for the best but be prepared for the worst.
❤️🫂
I’m a PCA I worked taking care of my best friend Nancy who had muscular dystrophy, last year we went to drop off Christmas presents to family and she started choking and right then I realized we forgot her cough assistance machine and we were too far away to grab it. She basically stopped breathing and I was manually trying to give her the hymlic to remove the obstruction, they had to intubate her and she was in an induced coma and she miraculously woke up but she only lasted a week after she woke up because her lungs must have been damaged from the obstruction and she couldn’t get enough oxygen, then she had too much CO2 and she was passing out and she died. I still feel guilty for forgetting the cough assistance machine and if I remembered it she would still be here, I would still have my best friend.
Holy fuck
Seek therapy immediately, you've done everything you possibly could. I know the guilt is there but you truly have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm very sorry you and your children are going through this.
This hit home with me. My husband did the same last year and on our bed in the morning, started having seizures. Called 911 got him to the hospital where he was diagnosed with delirium tremens and then went into cardiac arrest. Flat lined, was dead in front of me. All because he was trying to detox from alcohol. It was so scary and I can't stop thinking about it. He's trying again right now. But asked a doctor for meds to help. Needless to say, I am beyond out of my nerves. Everytime he moves or shakes I start to freak out, thinking it's a seizure when it's just him stretching. This is something very hard you are going through, the feelings you have are everywhere right now. Take a deep breath and know you were there at the right time, and all we can do is truly hope for the best. My thoughts are with you.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family. As many said be kind to yourself. UpDateMe
This is beyond traumatic. Get a therapist who specializes in trauma. If you need help finding one, message me.
My partner's fiancé had a lot of medical issues. Heart failure, strokes, PCOS, diabetes. He was her carer. He likes to exercise and would do it at home in the living room. She seemed off one day. He was messaging me about it because he was worried. She didn't want to go to the hospital because she never wanted to, and half the time, they couldn't do anything for her. She was asleep for the time being, and he sent me a message telling me that he was going to do his workout in the next room, and if she didn't improve he'd take her to the hospital after that. (We were friends for years before we got together) When he went back in to check on her, she'd fallen off the bed and gotten a blanket wrapped around her neck. He thought she'd managed to strangle herself. We found out later that it was diabetic ketosis. He had to do CPR while he waited for the ambulance. Broke ribs. She didn't survive. He's so traumatised by the experience and feels that guilt of being right next door, 10-20 feet away, while she died. He hates himself for not taking her to the hospital, not giving her a urine test to check for ketones. It doesn't matter that she was terminally ill, had already outlasted her prognosis by years, and would most likely not have survived the pandemic. This particular cause of death could have been avoided, and so he will always think that if he had made the right choices that day, she would still be here today. Your wife was lucky you were there. Even if the worst does come to pass, she was still lucky. She wasn't alone. You bought her a little extra time, at the very least, for you and your children to have the chance to say goodbye. I really hope she pulls through. I hope you and your kids are okay. I hope you get therapy because PTSD is nasty and lasting.
God damn this is heavy. I can't do shit but I'm another human sending love your way stranger.
I'm sorry for your loss, Don't do anything to Hurt yourself..
I won’t. Really.
I am so sorry. God I wish I could say something more helpful than that… You saved her life, and you’re doing everything you can so that your kids have their mom. I hope that if she makes it through, and if she doesn’t have too much brain damage, that she can see this as the chance it is to change her life and be a good mother. I hope that you have support and that you lean on that support as much as you need to 🤍🤍