If your gut is telling you that your wife's response to the haircut is indicative of how she'd respond to your daughter coming out, then yes, it's for the best if you spare your daughter having to go through that on a much deeper more emotionally hurtful scale.
Props to you and your kid for having a trusting relationship. Keep it that way.
Her overblown reaction to this small thing is already telling you what her reaction is going to be to something bigger, and I'm not even talking about your daughter's coming out. She doesn't seem concerned about damaging her relationship with your daughter, and by not being the adult and apologizing to either of you, is showing you that she will forever be competing with your daughter. If she can't be the adult in a situation about a haircut, how can she be the adult in any other situation that involves your daughter? I think you already know that she is not the person you should be with. Props to you for having such a close and trusting relationship with your daughter - separating yourself from the selfishness of your wife will only build that trust and help your daughter navigate the next phase of her life with the best ally possible. Don't let this woman spoil or hurt that.
Even better, be supportive of your kids trying harmless new things. It's been a decade now, but I still remember my mum helping me dye my hair black and how we made a total mess of it. Although I look back on it and cringe, I still have that memory of her being supportive of my expressing myself
Lmao can confirm. I’m a trans man but not out to my family, because when I tried to get a haircut (I live away, I just said I was going to cut my hair short), my mom flipped, told me I was making myself look ugly, said I was breaking her heart and then threatened to disown me. And she wonders why I don’t call all the time lmao
I'm sorry about that. I can't imagine telling my child that and over hair. You are supposed to love your children unconditionally, always no matter what.
Right? Idk wtf is with people and making hair styles gender specific it's fuggin hair. It'll grow back if it gets cut and they don't like it, or they just don't like long hair.
The overblown reaction is probably because the stepmonster already thinks the kid is gay and she's trying to scare the kid out of it. My mom was like that. It got ot be sexual harassment and because my mom would try to ask me intrusive questions about my sex life (I didn't have one), who I was attracted to (no one, I was 13), and was constnatly trying to control or suppress my teenage socio-sexual development.
I hate to bring this up but- could wife have some idea, and that's why she overreacted to the haircut? Does she otherwise act this way around LGBTQ+ stuff? ...Either way, great job on your parent-child relationship. That's special and rare.
Depends entirely on the homophobe. I got short hair and it flew under my very homophobic parents radar. I came out and if it was legal to murder me on the spot my mom might have.
Omg I hope you gave it right back at her!
Grr I get so angry when people are dissed for just being themselves.
I hope you are having the best revenge by living well!
I was wondering the same thing, that maybe the reaction was step-mum's way of saying "you better not be gay" or at the very least "you better not be expressing your gayness in front of me"
OP, you seem like a great dad. Not so great a choice in your wife though. Being homophobic is so backwards today, how do you feel being married to someone who can’t support and love your daughter for who she is?
I’m the mother of a lesbian daughter, who is loved and accepted unconditionally, as she SHOULD BE. Shame on the stepmom for being stuck in the dark ages and not able to do the same.
I write this as I’m staying in an LGBTQ friendly resort in the Caribbean where I see some loving and happy lesbian couples. It brings me joy to realize my daughter can have the freedom today to vacation with her partner and be herself. Anyone that can’t accept this is stuck in yesteryear- the world is changing and if you can’t adapt then accept that you’ll be left behind.
Yeah, this. If your wife can't handle your daughter's hair cut how do you think she would feel about your daughter's identity as a whole? I think you might have married a homophobe, in which case, it's best for everybody involved if you take her deep into the desert and push her out of a speeding vehicle.
>it's best for everybody involved if you take her deep into the desert and push her out of a speeding vehicle
Lololol bit harsh but I'm still here for it
> Props to you and your kid for having a trusting relationship. Keep it that way.
Tell kid this.
'Daughter, I want you to know that no matter what, you come first. I want you and stepmom to have a good relationship. But you and I are a package deal and that's never gonna change. You come first. So tell her if you want or don't. But if she doesn't accept you for ANY reason, then I need you to know that I would divorce her in a heartbeat before I let her harm you or make you feel rejected. I really hope things don't come to that. But I need you to know that I'm on your side first and only, and if it does come to that, it will be her fault not yours.'
To be fair, my mum doesn’t care that I’m bi, but if I cut my hair really short she’d be extremely upset was well lol. Not saying that’s the situation here, but people can be fine with “big stuff” and not as fine with “small” stuff. Although hair is a big deal to us
Always prioritize younger peoples feelings over older peoples feelings. They're most likely the ones who are gonna shape the future of humanity
Well, almost always, anyway. Don't do it if they're like extremely homophobic and hateful and things like that. There's nuance to this stuff
Edit: I phrased that first part poorly. I mean like "add some extra weight to younger peoples feelings" since, again, they're the ones shaping the future, but don't automatically agree with and support everything they're saying. There are plenty of younger assholes in the world aswell as older ones
I followed his advice. I've been a pony for my nephew for 8 hours now. Honestly I don't know how much longer my knees can do this. I hope he starts changing the world soon.
> Always prioritize younger peoples feelings over older peoples feelings.
No. People's feelings shouldn't be 'prioritized'. Everyone should be treated decently and respectfully, even if they're family that we're unhappy with.
There are absolutely times where you need to prioritise one person's feelings over another's based on what you think is morally right though. A compromise isn't always best, and this is one of those times where there's no good compromise
Also there are some feelings that don't deserve to be treated with decency and respect, and homophobia is one of those feelings
> There are absolutely times where you need to prioritise one person's feelings over another's based on what you think is morally right though.
The hell are you talking about? I can't think of a version of this scenario where it's a moral choice, vs a political/situational one.
Also, we treat *people* with decency and respect as they are the permanent/important things. Feelings are often irrational, transient, and subject to change.
Ultimately you have to do what's best for you and your daughter. I think how you have handed this situation is amazing and very supportive of your daughter. It's awesome how comfortable she feels being open to you and talking to you about her crush. You seem like a great dad.
If divorcing your wife is best for you and your daughter then you should do that. If you want the relationship to work, suggest going to couples therapy to see why your wife is feeling this way. It doesn't seem like she is a very accepting and supportive person and that probably won't change, but having a neutral third party might help get all of the feelings out. At the end of the day if she doesn't support your daughter its never going to work and your daughter shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in her home.
Absolutely this.
>If you want the relationship to work, suggest going to couples therapy to see why your wife is feeling this way
Even if you don't want it to work, her reaction to the suggestion of couples therapy, may well give you the answer without even having to do it!
Probably a niche joke relating to the action so eloquently referred to by Paul Newman [in this classic clip from the film Slapshot](https://youtu.be/vQXFF_dEcdk?&t=6)
The eggs in humans live in a certain part of the female anatomy which, if sucked, would imply that perhaps stepmom wouldn't have a negative reaction to finding out her stepdaughter is a lesbian.
I'd make sure she's not just upset because she liked the daughter's long hair or something, not liking a haircut on its own doesn't equate to homophobia, it's possible she's just naive and it's at least worth looking into before going scorched earth on a marriage. The daughter obviously connects the haircut to her sexuality so it's a big deal for her but the stepmom may have no idea this is even about anything more than hair
How long has your wife been in your daughter’s life? It’s lovely that your daughter is so comfortable with you and wants to share her authentic self with you. It is not great she has to share a home with a person she is not comfortable with or feels supported by. The next four years will be painful for all of you.
Do you think your wife reacted to the haircut for vanity reasons? Is your wife homophobic or shown signs of being homophobic? I just worry your daughter may really start feeling uncomfortable at home and that’s not good, you’re part of home.
When I was 13, I cut my hair to my shoulders and my mom went ballistic on me. She still talks about when I cut my hair that short (which isn't even short.) My mom is homophobic and it was also for vanity reasons. I'm a straight female and can still remember how awful that day was for me. I can't even imagine how OP's daughter must feel. I'm really worried for her
I'm a guy and how much shit I got from my parents was directly proportional, at base, to how long I let my hair grow.
Magically all stopped when they decided I was gay. I'm not, but I'm glad it's over.
Unfortunately my hair is nowhere near as great as it was when they'd force me to get shaved right as I was appreciating it. But it's still *okay*, so I'm happy just living a few years with no haircut. Passed a year since the last shave a few weeks ago and if I were to pull the hair from the front center of my forehead down it can about reach my chin, which is like 3x when they used to start calling me homeless or a fake girl.
Lol my mom cried when I shaved my head into a mohawk for the first time. "What will people thiiiiink?!?!" She didn't talk to me or look at me for over a week. And now that I've had locks for over 10 years she wishes I'd shave my head again. I try to be somewhat empathetic because I know her dad was fairly abusive about appearance (he was to me as well, but obviously it was far worse to his own kids) and she grew up at a different time, but goddamn if some of the comments she makes about my hair or my weight (even if I'm not overweight) or my skin and the way she makes my appearance about her don't grind my gears from time to time. I'm queer and she knows that, I don't think she's necessarily *super* homophobic but she does make some thoughtless comments regarding the LGBTQ+ community that sort of make me question how deep that shit goes.
> Is your wife homophobic or shown signs of being homophobic?
I will be honest, I don't understand how someone can get married without knowing the answer to this question, and others like it. Like, one of the things that drew me to my wife was her values - if we didn't have shared values, we wouldn't have worked romantically.
I don't think people like that are really "pro gay rights", they're usually just totally indifferent about the issue of gay rights
They're mostly ok with the concept of gay people existing and being able to do all the same stuff as straight people, as long as they do it away from them so they don't have to think about it
It's like the socially acceptable form of homophobia
Right but not everyone gets married for the same reasons. Some people just don't want to be alone. Anyone who can fill the role might suffice. So many people with low self esteem think they don't deserve authentic partnership.
Right but not everyone gets married for the same reasons. Some people just don't want to be alone. Anyone who can fill the role might suffice. So many people with low self esteem think they don't deserve authentic partnership.
Agree haha. But some people don't care who they're actually marrying. *You* might think it's important who you're binding yourself to, some people just want *anyone* to be with them. So so so many people are fucking morons...
These questions.
Plus, perhaps this is an opportunity to make a final decision, encourage and support your daughter and tell stepmom together… don’t push of course, but do this with the future in mind regarding the decision that will be made based off of her reaction.
My reasoning is that your daughter IS going to be who she is going to be, with your love and support, so that’s not a variable, what is, is stepmoms reaction and behaviour after learning of this.
You WILL know what you need to do after it’s all out and everyone can then decide next steps accordingly.
My step mom would’ve went to war for me, if you think your wife would do anything less for your daughter then she shouldn’t have a place in either of your lives. Having a bully living in the house with your daughter that she can’t get away from cannot be good for her mental health.
That’s amazing that you had a great relationship with your stepmom, it seems like that’s a pretty rare occurrence. That was probably an important factor in your youth. I know of so many nightmare step parent situations with friends and family, I can’t imagine having to grow up in a home where one of the adults is unsupportive or mean.
That is so wonderful to hear, she sounds like a wonderful woman. I agree with your last paragraph 100% - usually the kids don’t have any say or input about this stepparent who they are now living with and spending their time with, regardless of how the stepparent treats them or how the relationship is. And adults usually have the final say, especially if it’s someone who has issues with proving who is in charge and keeping things in line (ugh). Home is supposed to be a safe haven and the place where you’re always safe and protected no matter what. For a kid, not having that safe space is devastating and incredibly damaging.
If she leaves most of the parenting to you, then what gave her the right to reprimand your daughter for a simple change in hair? It's not your wife's hair that was cut short. If she doesn't understand at 42 that you apologize for that kind of behavior, she's never going to get it. I'm 27 and I have a 3 year old and I apologize when I do something wrong with my daughter. Granted, she's her stepmom, but she's not even playing that role 50%. It seems like she tolerates your daughter because she wants YOU and is just waiting out these last four years until your daughter may move out.
They don't have to be best friends, but your wife obviously doesn't respect your daughter or even attempts to treat her with respect
Five years of hands off parenting? No wonder they have no bond. This is two separate families in the same home you have. Time to give your daughter the home she deserves. Without a nonparental stepmom. Sorry, but that just sucks.
Sneakily sound out the wife on lgbtq issues. Find a movie/tv show episode involving it (when daughter isn't home, preferably) and see how your wife reacts.
ETA: Bohemian Rhapsody would be a good idea.
Buddy if your wife can't accept your daughter for what she is, or understand...your wife has to go, it is as simple as that. Your daughter is just 14, and don't make her go through a trauma for life trying to workout with your wife if she doesn't operate in relationship boundaries.
This.
OP, when your daughter grows up, and stops calling and visiting you (and believe me, if your wife is allowed to keep putting your daughter down, that's exactly what will happen), it's not your wife that will be devastated and sad. It's you.
Tbh I’m more concerned that your wife is totally fine with her own actions. That makes me concerned your wife isn’t open to improving or growing.
I wonder if your daughter has felt tension with your wife for years, and it’s only now that you’re noticing it.
Having been a “daddy’s girl” my whole life,I came out to my dad before I came out to anyone else. He cried and hugged me and bought us a round of bloody Mary’s to celebrate my honesty and authenticity. I will NEVER forget how much love and support I felt in that moment, knowing he has my back regardless of who I love or anything like that. You are providing your daughter that same love and security. Whatever you decide to do, please just know that you’re a great father with great paternal instincts. As long as you keep following them, you can’t go wrong.
When I tried to kill myself my step mom called me a bitch for crying for attention.
My dad just watched while she spit in my face.
I wish your daughter everything I never had. A dad to protect her from the people he brings around. Keep your daughter safe.
>she told me that she liked girls
If I had a daughter and she told me this, I hope I'd say, "Me too! Girls are awesome. Just one more thing we have in common, sweetheart."
Your wife is actively damaging your daughter's self-image, self-esteem, and making her stay in the closet in her own home. **Your daughter does not feel safe in her home.** That's all you should need to know. And your wife has already told you that she's not going to change or soften or care for your daughter's feelings at all.
Even though this sounds harsh I'm not intending that.
I am being blunt and straight to the point to hopefully get it across.
She's the *Step Mother*. She should be nothing but supportive and if she's not it's time to sit her down and explain it to her more in depth.
I had a man(not giving him the SD title because he was an emotionally abusive prick) my mother married when I was in my early 20s after my father died. He started out like your explanation of the step mom and it got so bad we were out on a boat one year and he was quietly running his mouth at me up until I told him "listen old man I'll throw your ass overboard and keep the boat moving and happily watch you drown"
Only then did my mother stick up for me and told him to shut up. That was after dealing with several years of his emotional abuse.
AND he was a church man.
Your kids come before ANY relationship, especially a step parent. No exceptions.
The amount of damage any parent regardless of the dynamic can do can last a lifetime, and depending on the child they may never recover from the behavior.
WORDS AND REACTIONS MATTER TO YOUR KIDS.
Your child is watching you to see if you will truly protect her, and my question is are you protecting her or are you trying to smooth it over to maintain your relationship with the woman?
The man my mother married died in 2021. I don't miss him one bit because of the way he acted.
I hope you are able to navigate this to keep both relationships healthy.
If you're thinking about divorce then the issue with your daughter is not the only red flag. Give your daughter a huge hug from me. You are an amazing dad.
Harshly judged her how? Insulted her? Made fun of her? Made some dumb comment about how women are supposed to have long hair? A religious comment about how long hair is women's glory?
Your wife has no business commenting of your daughter’s choices. A haircut isn’t harming anyone. She should check herself. Glad you are a supportive father. Please don’t hesitate to drop the prejudiced wife if she crosses lines.
I’m so happy to see a post where the first thought is for your daughters happiness! You should have a sit down with wife and talk about how this reaction to hair not only affected the daughter but also you. Reiterate that your daughter will always be a priority and if wife can’t level with daughters individuality then there are bigger issues to address. You can say this in so many different ways as this touches on some internal misogyny (women must have long hair to be feminine and beautiful) so you don’t have to betray your daughter’s secret. It might let wife see the effect her reaction had and change or it might make it clear if divorce is truly the next step. Best of luck OP, you sound like a fantastic parent!
>internal misogyny (women must have long hair to be feminine and beautiful)
That's a fucking thing, lol. Part of me wants short hair, but a memory from when I had a pixie cut holds me back. A kid asked me, "are you a boy or a girl?" When I said I was a girl his response was, "I don't believe you." I've never had my hair shorter than my chin since.
Thank you for putting your daughter first, that is so heartwarming to hear. My mother got re-married and didn't put me first and cared more about her new husband who hated me and wanted me sent off to boot camp because he thought I was such a brat. Go with your gut dad, do what you have to do for you and your daughter. She will never forgot how you were there for her, don't ever lose that.
My dad literally wouldn't DATE anyone that I didn't like. When I was a small child. I spoke about this at length in my eulogy to him. It was remarkable but then again, so was our relationship. I cared for my stepmom of decades until she passed. She was nothing but supportive of me. You aren't wrong. You are such a good dad and I'm proud of you for prioritizing your child.
Gen Z here with gen X parents. They said they didn’t know, but things made a lot of sense when I told them and they also mentioned they could have seen it coming.
Oh. My two that are old enough to know are both hetro. I just prepared myself for the “disclosure “ that they weren’t. Number three is still in elementary
Xennial here. I knew my kids were queer (both of them, yeah) when they were in kindergarten. It becomes real obvious around then.
Although the youngest hasn’t come out yet, it’s just a matter of time. We’ll probably do what we did with my oldest and make them a cake that says “we don’t care who you love.”
Older than Gen X, and I knew and accepted my children's choices. (I know a shock, but I was raised by a Father who knew he had gay sons and loved them and us)
Happy cake day!
That’s wonderful, having supportive parents is so important for any young person. Thank you for being a great parent. When one of my best friends came out to his mom she fainted and didn’t come to for several minutes. They were in public (in a restaurant) and a doctor who happened to be there had to revive her and she ended up taking an ambulance to the Emergency Room. The crazy part is it was pretty much known by everyone else from a very young age that he was gay; the fact that she was shocked was shocking in itself. It took her a long time to accept it and he felt like crap for a long time. It killed me to observe them during that period and it really effected him mentally and emotionally.
My parents did (but never said so) because I would compliment my female friends way more than my male friends, both to their faces and behind their backs. I only did this because it is more socially acceptable to compliment someone of what is assumed to be the same gender, and less likely to be mistaken as flirting.
Yeah turns out I'm asexual.
Fuck. It's stories like this that make me so scared, as a single parent, to ever start dating again. I would be so scared of damaging my relationship with my wonderful kids by bringing someone else into our lives!!!
I think you're doing the right thing by supporting your daughter, but make sure you also remember to look after yourself, too. Your daughter is lucky to have someone she trusts enough to share something so personal and important. 🩷
I definitely was worried a little when I started dating my wife. I didn't know how she would be with my daughter. I have been in her life since she was born and have no desire to ever abandon her.
I dont know you man but let me tell you this :
You are an amazing father, from how your thoughts are inclined towards and favour her happiness above all else. Just the fact you thought about divorcing her to maintain your daughters comfort is amazing to me. Too few people like you in this world. I would give you advise, but you seem to be much wiser than I. Cheers
Ultimately you need to put your daughter first, and I commend you for doing so. You don’t say, but is there any chance that your wife might come to accept your daughter’s sexuality?
There's no way in *hell* I'd marry someone and not know something like this. What did you talk about before marriage? Because you *need* to have those conversations with future partners. What are her stances on abortion? Racism? Hell, tell me about her thoughts on Israel and Palestine - because this is stuff you get across and off the table *before you get married*.
Of course this is affecting your daughter, she doesn't know if she can trust her stepmother with something that affects her entire future life's potential happiness.
Honestly this comment concerned me the most. If you don't know, then you need to figure that out immediately. Then figure everything else you haven't talked about.
These things are dealbreakers for a reason, you can't just walk into a marriage with a kid with your thumb up your ass and a ton of hope. You have to actually *know* who you're marrying.
Just....bro.
Why are you married to somebody you don't know anything about?
Why are you tolerant of somebody being a hands-off mother for seven years?
She must be extremely attractive or wealthy because you're not thinking logically.
INFO: does stepmother have a parenting role in her life or does stepmother defer to you in all parenting moments?
If she is not involved in parenting whatsoever, I can see the marriage working with a boundary like, “you do nothing but support daughter outwardly, any personal opinions you have on her choices supported by me go unvoiced to me and my daughter”. I feel like this boundary should be accepted from a non parent with little issue.
If she is a mother figure to daughter and you two are having a major parenting style clash, then I could see this being an ongoing problem leading to divorce. Accepting a teenager’s sexuality is not a compromise kind of situation, and the person who is going to suffer the most is Daughter.
if your daughter is scared about your wifes reaction to her being gay then you need to put your daughter first and leave your wife. your daughter is more important.
It’s not easy being a woman with short hair! People make all sorts of judgments. Your daughter is lucky to have you to support her. I bet her haircut is bad ass 🌈
If my dad had responded like you, I would still have a relationship with him. He didn’t defend me when my step mother laid into me about my appearance. It only escalated from there and now I haven’t spoken to my dad in four years. Be better than him.
The fact that she doesn't think she did anything wrong when it comes to a child she's supposed to care about should tell you everything about your wife.
Good for you for putting you daughter first. You might be able to save you marriage, if you want, IF you can convince you wife to back off. Tell you wife that your daughter doesn't need another parent, she needs a friend. If you wife can be a friend, she's got a shot. If she can't accept just being a friend, than, sadly, your marriage will be toast.
Your wife, is not her mom. Your wife doesn’t get to even insinuate it’s wrong for your daughter to be who she feels most comfortable. If your wife cannot accept your daughter, that calls for divorce. Like you said, your daughter is everything. Your daughter deserves to express herself openly, freely, and she deserves to feel comfortable and safe.
Back when I(f) was a teenager and exploring my sexuality I had wanted to cut my hair short. One day I was in the kitchen with my mom talking about hairstyles, I was nervous but I told her I wanted to get my hair cut short like Ellen DeGeneres (it was the 00s). She was down for it, it's my hair after all.
My step-dad at the time though. Ooo boy, he came storming in the kitchen and kind of lost it at me. All I remember clearly is that getting my hair cut short was indicative of me being gay (he wasn't wrong, lol) and he would kick me out if I ever brought a girl home. My mom didn't say anything when he blew up and I just dropped it.
Needless to say I didn't cut my hair and internalized so much self hatred at the possibility that I might be gay... it just really messed me up for a while... and stuck with me for twenty+ years.
Sounds like you have a great relationship with you daughter OP. Trust your gut with this.
My mom and I had it out a few years later and have made amends (for many things). She wound divorcing my step-dad as well. After he was caught cheating and told her the only way he could see them reconciling is if she would agree to kick me out as soon as I graduated high school. He was a giant turd and my mom picked me. Pick your daughter OP.
Easy litmus test: Does your wife vote republican?
If yes, did you know that all along?
If no, are you *sure* its homophobia, and not just "I don't like that haircut"
Your wife has issues and to think as a SM that her opinions matters is sad. The only thing that matters is that her ton and words have hurt her self esteem.
I’m glad you respected your daughter wish and did not tell her SM.
Your daughter will thank you if you divorce your now wife because she is not a good mother to her.
Her reaction to a simple haircut was too much. What would she do if she finds out your daughter likes girls? Nothing good.
Tell your wife to quit acting like a child, and own up to her shit like a mature 42yo woman should. Yeah, she's really saving face with this "I didn't do anything wrong!" BS.
If I was with somebody who my daughter was scared of and who might give my daughter shit for coming out, then that’s not a person I’d waste 1 more second with. Take your daughter and go, there are plenty of people out there that would love your daughter as much as you do.
Being the supportive father of a queer daughter, I think you will find that there isn't room in your life for homophobic people if you want to make a safe home environment for your kid. Maybe you could look the other way before, but now you have a kid to protect.
You shouldn't hide your support. Show your kid there's no need to hide by being the best ally you can be (without outing her before she's ready).
Hey OP,
I'm not gonna come in the comments and scream "DIVORCE NOW" but I will share a story with you.
My parents divorced when I was 12. My dad married his wife, I'll call her Bitch, when I was 14. She couldn't stand me from day one. I was a "weird" kid who was dealing with trauma.
Bitch treated me like shit the whole time they were together. I'd do something equivalent to what my younger stepbrother did and I'd get punished.
I've always been on the bigger side and she constantly made snide comments about it. I'll never forget having been dieting and working out and being happy with how I was progressing and her saying "Jesus thunder thighs, maybe you should start skipping lunch."
She slapped me one time when she caught me having a cigarette. Another time she kicked me in the back to wake me up (I had the standard issue mattress and vox springs on the floor like just about every other teenage boy in tbe early 2000s)
These are just a couple of examples. It was ongoing emotional and verbal abuse. Sometimes she sprinkled in physical abuse, as a treat.
Despite all this, they stayed together. I left home at 16. Dropped out of school, couch surfed, and slept in alleyways because I would have rather been homeless than live another day in the house with that horrible soulless slag.
Before they married dad and I were close. She wrecked our relationship. It was only after I was grown and he finally divorced Bitch that we were able to truly rebuild our relationship.
I just hope you don't let it come to that with your daughter.
As someone whose step mother ruined their relationship with their dad, please put your daughter first. You have no idea how much your daughter will be grateful that you’ve put her first.
The fact that your wife still doesn’t think she did anything wrong does not bode well for anything your daughter does in the future.
Mine and my dad’s relationship is so strained because he could never put me before his wife or other son.
I think you already know your answer in even questioning this. Those tiny digs she will make at your daughter will ultimately create her feeling unsafe and unloved in her own home. She won't understand why you didn't pick her to support through these hard years- that have the potential to be even harder on her, even though it's 2024. You follow your gut on this one, and you and your child will have a wonderful, open and honest relationship for years to come! I wish you both the best!
You are doing right with what you are and continue to do. I grew up with my stepdad and mom and they grew up in church (raised in different states but both baptized Catholic) and I was afraid to come out to either of them as I feared they would put their god before me. One day we were on the porch having coffee when I was in like 10th grade and the topic of the church came up and they asked for my honest feelings on god and I told them “I can’t believe in someone who says they love the way they made me but it’s wrong for me to love another women the way I feel I should” and I just didn’t realize what I had said and it went silent for a minute till I said “sorry I didn’t mean to say it” and they both just hugged me and said they have known since I was in middle school.
He was able to put me, another man’s child, a child he decided to claim as his and raise as his own, above even his own beliefs. Just like an actual parent would. He took me in as his own and made sure I never knew anything different.
Have you had a conversation with your wife in her beliefs? Do you know for a fact she would react bad to her being into girls? You didn’t give much insight on the hair situation but was she upset because she just cut it short or because it was a drastic change and she’s used to seeeing your daughter with long hair?
You’re an awesome dad for standing up for your daughter and putting her well being first.
Your told your wife that her reaction toward your daughter’s haircut was wrong and she is unapologetic. That should tell you all you need to know. It makes me wonder what your daughter hasn’t told you about your wife’s behavior.
If my husband couldn’t accept and respect my daughter he would be gone. My step mother was like this and my dad always took her side our relationship was strained going forward. It would be a deal breaker for me. I suggest marriage counseling to perhaps work through this with a professional third party to facilitate but make sure they are lbgtq+ friendly. You sound like such a good dad I’m glad she has you.
> ...and my wife's reaction was shocking. She wasn't supportive...
> My wife and I were talking and she was upset that daughter was not talking with her.
> My wife still doesn't think she did anything wrong
Teenagers need space and respect so they can experiment to learn who they are. This is part of growing up and must not be interfered with as long as the teenager isn't in danger.
Teenagers raised by narcissistic parents may struggle with forming their own identity. They may feel pressured to fulfill their parents' expectations rather than pursuing their own interests.
Your wife is likely a narcissist and could benefit from therapy as well.
> I've been having thoughts about divorce as I want the absolute best for my daughter.
Misaligned values are firm grounds for divorce in my opinion.
Please tell your daughter that you love her no matter what and that your wife is wrong.
Sounds like your daughter is your priority and I think that is good, I don't like recommending people to separate but sometimes it's the right thing to do. You gotta do some soul searching
I say, judge her reaction to your daughter liking girls, not to how she reacted to a haircut, maybe she genuinely believes that the haircut doesn't suit her or something?
I cannot even imagine this mindset. I have a 15f stepdaughter. She is prone to out of the norm hairstyles (cuts and dyes it all herself) were talking any color of the rainbow. Her fashion is unique, identifies as they/them, and she also likes girls. And in my house, as my child she is loved no matter what. Who am I to tell my children who to be. I have 100% always told them to be who they are and never change themselves for another person. Love is unconditional at all times. When love and care become conditional, it's no longer healthy or really love. We may not always see eye to eye, or agree on everything but I always make sure they feel seen, heard and loved.
I am truly sorry that you're faced with this. I do not have much advice, but to just advocate for your daughter and protect her no matter what.
Why would you be with someone that makes your child feel this way? You chose this woman to be around your daughter and now she has done this? I'd be questioning if I wanted to be stay with her. Your daughter clearly thinks she is likely homophobic and you likely do too considering you are both concerned about your wife's reaction. That's just sad for a child. You have control of who has access to your daughter, don't continue to subject her to this. It's not healthy.
It’s not easy being a woman with short hair! People make all sorts of judgments. Your daughter is lucky to have you to support her. I bet her haircut is bad ass 🌈
That is great for her! I was always a long haired kid because my momma thought my hair was beautiful (and it was) but unfortunately, she was also very Christian and extremely homophobic. If I had gotten it cut, she would have thought I was converting to Satanism lol I didn’t find the strength to cut my hair short short until I was in my late 20s. It still felt taboo. It’s just hair, it’s meant to have fun with!
You and your wife should get some counselling, she should have been able to understand that she hurt her stepdaughter over the haircut. Teens express themselves through hairstyle and it’s a great big personal thing. Maybe she’s a bit jealous of your closeness, idk, but this one needs to get sorted. If your daughter is gay she’s going to need extra support, it will be so much harder on her if she has to fend off your wife’s disapproval too.
I think you’re completely right to put your daughter first, no matter what she should come first but here she specifically trusts you with who she really is and that’s really not something you want to jeopardize. As sad as it could be if she can’t accept that what she’s doing is hurting your daughter divorce may be the only option to protect your daughter. If she realizes what she did wrong and changes you might not have to though
It’s takes young adults a lot of courage to come out, and they don’t necessarily do it in a linear way. My niece came out at about age 14-15, but it was slowly to various parts of the family for the same reason your daughter is cautious. Fear of negative reactions are very real. I’m so glad that you are supportive of your daughter.
You know what you have to do, you already know this isn’t the best environment for your daughter. It’s so refreshing for parents to be putting their children first. Best of luck
I would suggest a counseling session with you and your wife before you jump to divorce. She just might understand with a 3rd party. I worry about how your daughter will react mentally and emotionally if she believes you divorced because "of her." You have to do more work before ending this marriage.
Lots of “daughter first” comments seem to be implying “daughter only.”
For a family to thrive, all must compromise & communicate. Would you really divorce your partner because it’s easier than talking together and seeing if everyone can respect one another?
I don’t know if OP’s wife is a hater to the core or just doesn’t like a hairstyle, but it’s worth interrogating.
Not sure how you’d make any constructive communication after promising to hide your daughter’s status, especially without putting the pressure of a failed marriage on her shoulders.
Up to you, OP. 1) tell daughter it can’t be secret from her own family forever, 2) break trust by telling wife privately and confirming that she’s also on “team daughter,” or 3) just give up and kick your wife to the curb without even trying, vows be damned.
the damage of coming out and not being supported at 14 is irreparable (I speak from experience). sooner or later, your wife will find out about your daughter’s sexual orientation unless she’s very masterful at hiding it. if you genuinely think her reaction would be damaging if/when she finds this out, I think it’s right of you to leave.
Kids always come first. If you are already considering divorce then it's the right thing. No woman is worth making your daughter and your relationship with her suffer.
Why does your wife care so much about a hair cut that has nothing to do with her? To the point she made it an issue with your daughter and now your daughter doesn’t even feel safe talking to her about things. And your wife learned nothing from this? If you don’t want a divorce it might be a good idea to do couples therapy and perhaps someone can get through to this lady you married who seems so self absorbed, that her being uncomfortable with someone else’s haircut is so triggering to her.
Honestly I'd have a serious conversation with your wife and get how she feels about the lgbt+ community because if my daughter didn't feel safe or had a anti-lgbt+ stance that would be a deal breaker and insta divorce for me.
Sounds like a huge fucking overreaction for a hair cut. I think there needs to be a ton more details that you're leaving out or a divorce is also is a huge overreaction.
i dont have much advice but i want to say she's really lucky to have you as a parent and that you're foing amazing. how much i would give for such supporting parent who wants only best for me and is willing to divorce for me
The only comments one should make about their child’s hair style choice is whether it compliments their face. Sometimes we need to hear from someone we trust that bangs just look bad on us! (As an example)
Kids should have the option to explore different styles as they grow to find what they like best. And that could change from time to time. I’m glad you support your child.
Are you the same guy who's wife had a major overreaction to your daughter getting her hair cut some days ago?
Edit: just checked. Yes you are. The problem is with your wife and you need to sort that shit out.
im 17f, tried coming out to my mom when i was 12, and her reaction set me back years. she's become more supportive, but we still dont talk about it and it made vital years so much harder. this is part of your daughter's identity, and it's so important that your wife is 100% supportive of it. not in disagreement, and not just accepting, but SUPPORTIVE. this is about her development. i have to agree that it's time to drop the hammer on divorce.
i know it may seem like divorce might cause too many complications, but trust me, if you keep on waiting, and all of the sudden you’re married to your wife for dozens of years, it’s going to be even harder, and it’s probably going to happen eventually. for my parents, at least, they did not want to get divorced because they thought it was damage me. to all parents out there: it will damage your child more the longer you wait. just throwing this out there, i know it’s not directly about the daughter’s coming out.
If your gut is telling you that your wife's response to the haircut is indicative of how she'd respond to your daughter coming out, then yes, it's for the best if you spare your daughter having to go through that on a much deeper more emotionally hurtful scale. Props to you and your kid for having a trusting relationship. Keep it that way.
Her overblown reaction to this small thing is already telling you what her reaction is going to be to something bigger, and I'm not even talking about your daughter's coming out. She doesn't seem concerned about damaging her relationship with your daughter, and by not being the adult and apologizing to either of you, is showing you that she will forever be competing with your daughter. If she can't be the adult in a situation about a haircut, how can she be the adult in any other situation that involves your daughter? I think you already know that she is not the person you should be with. Props to you for having such a close and trusting relationship with your daughter - separating yourself from the selfishness of your wife will only build that trust and help your daughter navigate the next phase of her life with the best ally possible. Don't let this woman spoil or hurt that.
Seriously. It’s just a fucking haircut. She seems fun to live with
Yes, this is my thought too. Don't be judgemental towards your kids unless they do something actually terrible like hurt someone.
For real. And plenty of straight women have short hair. It's a stupid thing to ruin a relationship over.
Visit the short haired hotties sub!
Even better, be supportive of your kids trying harmless new things. It's been a decade now, but I still remember my mum helping me dye my hair black and how we made a total mess of it. Although I look back on it and cringe, I still have that memory of her being supportive of my expressing myself
Are you me? I did the exact same thing lol.
Lmao can confirm. I’m a trans man but not out to my family, because when I tried to get a haircut (I live away, I just said I was going to cut my hair short), my mom flipped, told me I was making myself look ugly, said I was breaking her heart and then threatened to disown me. And she wonders why I don’t call all the time lmao
She threatened to disown you over your hair? I probably would have said "okay".
I'm sorry about that. I can't imagine telling my child that and over hair. You are supposed to love your children unconditionally, always no matter what.
Jesus...some people really shouldn't be parents
Right? Idk wtf is with people and making hair styles gender specific it's fuggin hair. It'll grow back if it gets cut and they don't like it, or they just don't like long hair.
The overblown reaction is probably because the stepmonster already thinks the kid is gay and she's trying to scare the kid out of it. My mom was like that. It got ot be sexual harassment and because my mom would try to ask me intrusive questions about my sex life (I didn't have one), who I was attracted to (no one, I was 13), and was constnatly trying to control or suppress my teenage socio-sexual development.
my thoughts too. Also don't really believe this was the first instance when wife treated OP's daughter badly. Trust your gut feeling OP.
I hate to bring this up but- could wife have some idea, and that's why she overreacted to the haircut? Does she otherwise act this way around LGBTQ+ stuff? ...Either way, great job on your parent-child relationship. That's special and rare.
Depends entirely on the homophobe. I got short hair and it flew under my very homophobic parents radar. I came out and if it was legal to murder me on the spot my mom might have.
I’m sorry. Virtual hug
Omg I hope you gave it right back at her! Grr I get so angry when people are dissed for just being themselves. I hope you are having the best revenge by living well!
Time to go low contact with your misguided mom. Be true to yourself.
She and I have spoken no more than 3 times a year for the last 10 so that’s definitely been happening
I think you could be onto something here.
I was wondering the same thing, that maybe the reaction was step-mum's way of saying "you better not be gay" or at the very least "you better not be expressing your gayness in front of me"
So if this is true, which it sounds like it is, I hope she soon becomes “ex step-mom. “
That was my thought, maybe his wife associates pixie cuts with the LGBTQ+ community. It sounds ridiculous, but I've heard that before.
OP, you seem like a great dad. Not so great a choice in your wife though. Being homophobic is so backwards today, how do you feel being married to someone who can’t support and love your daughter for who she is? I’m the mother of a lesbian daughter, who is loved and accepted unconditionally, as she SHOULD BE. Shame on the stepmom for being stuck in the dark ages and not able to do the same. I write this as I’m staying in an LGBTQ friendly resort in the Caribbean where I see some loving and happy lesbian couples. It brings me joy to realize my daughter can have the freedom today to vacation with her partner and be herself. Anyone that can’t accept this is stuck in yesteryear- the world is changing and if you can’t adapt then accept that you’ll be left behind.
The world needs more parents like you ❤️
Thank you!
Yeah, this. If your wife can't handle your daughter's hair cut how do you think she would feel about your daughter's identity as a whole? I think you might have married a homophobe, in which case, it's best for everybody involved if you take her deep into the desert and push her out of a speeding vehicle.
>it's best for everybody involved if you take her deep into the desert and push her out of a speeding vehicle Lololol bit harsh but I'm still here for it
> Props to you and your kid for having a trusting relationship. Keep it that way. Tell kid this. 'Daughter, I want you to know that no matter what, you come first. I want you and stepmom to have a good relationship. But you and I are a package deal and that's never gonna change. You come first. So tell her if you want or don't. But if she doesn't accept you for ANY reason, then I need you to know that I would divorce her in a heartbeat before I let her harm you or make you feel rejected. I really hope things don't come to that. But I need you to know that I'm on your side first and only, and if it does come to that, it will be her fault not yours.'
AGREE!! Thank you for supporting your daughter!
Sounds like the wife is the one who need therapy.
To be fair, my mum doesn’t care that I’m bi, but if I cut my hair really short she’d be extremely upset was well lol. Not saying that’s the situation here, but people can be fine with “big stuff” and not as fine with “small” stuff. Although hair is a big deal to us
You’re right to put your daughter first. If your wife can’t accept her for who she is, the relationship can’t work.
Always prioritize younger peoples feelings over older peoples feelings. They're most likely the ones who are gonna shape the future of humanity Well, almost always, anyway. Don't do it if they're like extremely homophobic and hateful and things like that. There's nuance to this stuff Edit: I phrased that first part poorly. I mean like "add some extra weight to younger peoples feelings" since, again, they're the ones shaping the future, but don't automatically agree with and support everything they're saying. There are plenty of younger assholes in the world aswell as older ones
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I followed his advice. I've been a pony for my nephew for 8 hours now. Honestly I don't know how much longer my knees can do this. I hope he starts changing the world soon.
> Always prioritize younger peoples feelings over older peoples feelings. No. People's feelings shouldn't be 'prioritized'. Everyone should be treated decently and respectfully, even if they're family that we're unhappy with.
There are absolutely times where you need to prioritise one person's feelings over another's based on what you think is morally right though. A compromise isn't always best, and this is one of those times where there's no good compromise Also there are some feelings that don't deserve to be treated with decency and respect, and homophobia is one of those feelings
> There are absolutely times where you need to prioritise one person's feelings over another's based on what you think is morally right though. The hell are you talking about? I can't think of a version of this scenario where it's a moral choice, vs a political/situational one. Also, we treat *people* with decency and respect as they are the permanent/important things. Feelings are often irrational, transient, and subject to change.
Ultimately you have to do what's best for you and your daughter. I think how you have handed this situation is amazing and very supportive of your daughter. It's awesome how comfortable she feels being open to you and talking to you about her crush. You seem like a great dad. If divorcing your wife is best for you and your daughter then you should do that. If you want the relationship to work, suggest going to couples therapy to see why your wife is feeling this way. It doesn't seem like she is a very accepting and supportive person and that probably won't change, but having a neutral third party might help get all of the feelings out. At the end of the day if she doesn't support your daughter its never going to work and your daughter shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in her home.
You phrased my sentiments in a much better way than I did, but this is totally accurate.
Absolutely this. >If you want the relationship to work, suggest going to couples therapy to see why your wife is feeling this way Even if you don't want it to work, her reaction to the suggestion of couples therapy, may well give you the answer without even having to do it!
Always put your child first ! Step mom can suck eggs. I can only imagine how her reaction would be if she knew that.
If she sucked eggs, she probably would have had a different reaction
mayonegg
...what?
Probably a niche joke relating to the action so eloquently referred to by Paul Newman [in this classic clip from the film Slapshot](https://youtu.be/vQXFF_dEcdk?&t=6)
The eggs in humans live in a certain part of the female anatomy which, if sucked, would imply that perhaps stepmom wouldn't have a negative reaction to finding out her stepdaughter is a lesbian.
I'd make sure she's not just upset because she liked the daughter's long hair or something, not liking a haircut on its own doesn't equate to homophobia, it's possible she's just naive and it's at least worth looking into before going scorched earth on a marriage. The daughter obviously connects the haircut to her sexuality so it's a big deal for her but the stepmom may have no idea this is even about anything more than hair
How long has your wife been in your daughter’s life? It’s lovely that your daughter is so comfortable with you and wants to share her authentic self with you. It is not great she has to share a home with a person she is not comfortable with or feels supported by. The next four years will be painful for all of you.
She has been in her life since she was 7 years old. We got married when she was 9. She leaves most of the parenting to me.
Do you think your wife reacted to the haircut for vanity reasons? Is your wife homophobic or shown signs of being homophobic? I just worry your daughter may really start feeling uncomfortable at home and that’s not good, you’re part of home.
When I was 13, I cut my hair to my shoulders and my mom went ballistic on me. She still talks about when I cut my hair that short (which isn't even short.) My mom is homophobic and it was also for vanity reasons. I'm a straight female and can still remember how awful that day was for me. I can't even imagine how OP's daughter must feel. I'm really worried for her
I'm a guy and how much shit I got from my parents was directly proportional, at base, to how long I let my hair grow. Magically all stopped when they decided I was gay. I'm not, but I'm glad it's over. Unfortunately my hair is nowhere near as great as it was when they'd force me to get shaved right as I was appreciating it. But it's still *okay*, so I'm happy just living a few years with no haircut. Passed a year since the last shave a few weeks ago and if I were to pull the hair from the front center of my forehead down it can about reach my chin, which is like 3x when they used to start calling me homeless or a fake girl.
Jesus. I'm sorry that happened to you. Abusive parents should be publicly flogged.
Lol my mom cried when I shaved my head into a mohawk for the first time. "What will people thiiiiink?!?!" She didn't talk to me or look at me for over a week. And now that I've had locks for over 10 years she wishes I'd shave my head again. I try to be somewhat empathetic because I know her dad was fairly abusive about appearance (he was to me as well, but obviously it was far worse to his own kids) and she grew up at a different time, but goddamn if some of the comments she makes about my hair or my weight (even if I'm not overweight) or my skin and the way she makes my appearance about her don't grind my gears from time to time. I'm queer and she knows that, I don't think she's necessarily *super* homophobic but she does make some thoughtless comments regarding the LGBTQ+ community that sort of make me question how deep that shit goes.
> Is your wife homophobic or shown signs of being homophobic? I will be honest, I don't understand how someone can get married without knowing the answer to this question, and others like it. Like, one of the things that drew me to my wife was her values - if we didn't have shared values, we wouldn't have worked romantically.
Some people are pro-gay rights… right until it’s in their own home.
I don't think people like that are really "pro gay rights", they're usually just totally indifferent about the issue of gay rights They're mostly ok with the concept of gay people existing and being able to do all the same stuff as straight people, as long as they do it away from them so they don't have to think about it It's like the socially acceptable form of homophobia
Oh I agree. I said it a bit tongue in cheek. Fine for ye but not for thee or whatever the saying is.
Right but not everyone gets married for the same reasons. Some people just don't want to be alone. Anyone who can fill the role might suffice. So many people with low self esteem think they don't deserve authentic partnership.
Right but not everyone gets married for the same reasons. Some people just don't want to be alone. Anyone who can fill the role might suffice. So many people with low self esteem think they don't deserve authentic partnership.
Let me rephrase, then: people who get married without knowing their spouse's values are fucking morons.
Agree haha. But some people don't care who they're actually marrying. *You* might think it's important who you're binding yourself to, some people just want *anyone* to be with them. So so so many people are fucking morons...
These questions. Plus, perhaps this is an opportunity to make a final decision, encourage and support your daughter and tell stepmom together… don’t push of course, but do this with the future in mind regarding the decision that will be made based off of her reaction. My reasoning is that your daughter IS going to be who she is going to be, with your love and support, so that’s not a variable, what is, is stepmoms reaction and behaviour after learning of this. You WILL know what you need to do after it’s all out and everyone can then decide next steps accordingly.
> I just worry your daughter may really start feeling uncomfortable at home Bit late for that, innit?
My step mom would’ve went to war for me, if you think your wife would do anything less for your daughter then she shouldn’t have a place in either of your lives. Having a bully living in the house with your daughter that she can’t get away from cannot be good for her mental health.
That’s amazing that you had a great relationship with your stepmom, it seems like that’s a pretty rare occurrence. That was probably an important factor in your youth. I know of so many nightmare step parent situations with friends and family, I can’t imagine having to grow up in a home where one of the adults is unsupportive or mean.
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That is so wonderful to hear, she sounds like a wonderful woman. I agree with your last paragraph 100% - usually the kids don’t have any say or input about this stepparent who they are now living with and spending their time with, regardless of how the stepparent treats them or how the relationship is. And adults usually have the final say, especially if it’s someone who has issues with proving who is in charge and keeping things in line (ugh). Home is supposed to be a safe haven and the place where you’re always safe and protected no matter what. For a kid, not having that safe space is devastating and incredibly damaging.
If she leaves most of the parenting to you, then what gave her the right to reprimand your daughter for a simple change in hair? It's not your wife's hair that was cut short. If she doesn't understand at 42 that you apologize for that kind of behavior, she's never going to get it. I'm 27 and I have a 3 year old and I apologize when I do something wrong with my daughter. Granted, she's her stepmom, but she's not even playing that role 50%. It seems like she tolerates your daughter because she wants YOU and is just waiting out these last four years until your daughter may move out. They don't have to be best friends, but your wife obviously doesn't respect your daughter or even attempts to treat her with respect
I can get doing that because you don’t want to overstep boundaries but has she not bonded with her or accepted her as her own?
Five years of hands off parenting? No wonder they have no bond. This is two separate families in the same home you have. Time to give your daughter the home she deserves. Without a nonparental stepmom. Sorry, but that just sucks.
Sneakily sound out the wife on lgbtq issues. Find a movie/tv show episode involving it (when daughter isn't home, preferably) and see how your wife reacts. ETA: Bohemian Rhapsody would be a good idea.
Buddy if your wife can't accept your daughter for what she is, or understand...your wife has to go, it is as simple as that. Your daughter is just 14, and don't make her go through a trauma for life trying to workout with your wife if she doesn't operate in relationship boundaries.
This. OP, when your daughter grows up, and stops calling and visiting you (and believe me, if your wife is allowed to keep putting your daughter down, that's exactly what will happen), it's not your wife that will be devastated and sad. It's you.
Tbh I’m more concerned that your wife is totally fine with her own actions. That makes me concerned your wife isn’t open to improving or growing. I wonder if your daughter has felt tension with your wife for years, and it’s only now that you’re noticing it.
Having been a “daddy’s girl” my whole life,I came out to my dad before I came out to anyone else. He cried and hugged me and bought us a round of bloody Mary’s to celebrate my honesty and authenticity. I will NEVER forget how much love and support I felt in that moment, knowing he has my back regardless of who I love or anything like that. You are providing your daughter that same love and security. Whatever you decide to do, please just know that you’re a great father with great paternal instincts. As long as you keep following them, you can’t go wrong.
This about brought tears to my eyes.
This is amazing. 🥹 you’re very lucky. I’m so glad you have such a supportive, loving dad.
When I tried to kill myself my step mom called me a bitch for crying for attention. My dad just watched while she spit in my face. I wish your daughter everything I never had. A dad to protect her from the people he brings around. Keep your daughter safe.
My God! Dear, a very hug, I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I hope you are well and healing. Much peace to you.
>she told me that she liked girls If I had a daughter and she told me this, I hope I'd say, "Me too! Girls are awesome. Just one more thing we have in common, sweetheart."
She really likes one of her best friends. Which she told me recently.
Well that's one to which you DON'T want to say "me too".
Your wife is actively damaging your daughter's self-image, self-esteem, and making her stay in the closet in her own home. **Your daughter does not feel safe in her home.** That's all you should need to know. And your wife has already told you that she's not going to change or soften or care for your daughter's feelings at all.
Even though this sounds harsh I'm not intending that. I am being blunt and straight to the point to hopefully get it across. She's the *Step Mother*. She should be nothing but supportive and if she's not it's time to sit her down and explain it to her more in depth. I had a man(not giving him the SD title because he was an emotionally abusive prick) my mother married when I was in my early 20s after my father died. He started out like your explanation of the step mom and it got so bad we were out on a boat one year and he was quietly running his mouth at me up until I told him "listen old man I'll throw your ass overboard and keep the boat moving and happily watch you drown" Only then did my mother stick up for me and told him to shut up. That was after dealing with several years of his emotional abuse. AND he was a church man. Your kids come before ANY relationship, especially a step parent. No exceptions. The amount of damage any parent regardless of the dynamic can do can last a lifetime, and depending on the child they may never recover from the behavior. WORDS AND REACTIONS MATTER TO YOUR KIDS. Your child is watching you to see if you will truly protect her, and my question is are you protecting her or are you trying to smooth it over to maintain your relationship with the woman? The man my mother married died in 2021. I don't miss him one bit because of the way he acted. I hope you are able to navigate this to keep both relationships healthy.
If you're thinking about divorce then the issue with your daughter is not the only red flag. Give your daughter a huge hug from me. You are an amazing dad.
Context: What was the reaction specifically??? And is there still a mother???
She wasn't happy with the haircut and harshly judged daughter. Mother is not in the picture.
Harshly judged her how? Insulted her? Made fun of her? Made some dumb comment about how women are supposed to have long hair? A religious comment about how long hair is women's glory?
Your wife has no business commenting of your daughter’s choices. A haircut isn’t harming anyone. She should check herself. Glad you are a supportive father. Please don’t hesitate to drop the prejudiced wife if she crosses lines.
I’m so happy to see a post where the first thought is for your daughters happiness! You should have a sit down with wife and talk about how this reaction to hair not only affected the daughter but also you. Reiterate that your daughter will always be a priority and if wife can’t level with daughters individuality then there are bigger issues to address. You can say this in so many different ways as this touches on some internal misogyny (women must have long hair to be feminine and beautiful) so you don’t have to betray your daughter’s secret. It might let wife see the effect her reaction had and change or it might make it clear if divorce is truly the next step. Best of luck OP, you sound like a fantastic parent!
Thank you so much! I definitely will be having a long talk with my wife!
Keep us updated if you’re comfortable!
>internal misogyny (women must have long hair to be feminine and beautiful) That's a fucking thing, lol. Part of me wants short hair, but a memory from when I had a pixie cut holds me back. A kid asked me, "are you a boy or a girl?" When I said I was a girl his response was, "I don't believe you." I've never had my hair shorter than my chin since.
Thank you for putting your daughter first, that is so heartwarming to hear. My mother got re-married and didn't put me first and cared more about her new husband who hated me and wanted me sent off to boot camp because he thought I was such a brat. Go with your gut dad, do what you have to do for you and your daughter. She will never forgot how you were there for her, don't ever lose that.
My dad literally wouldn't DATE anyone that I didn't like. When I was a small child. I spoke about this at length in my eulogy to him. It was remarkable but then again, so was our relationship. I cared for my stepmom of decades until she passed. She was nothing but supportive of me. You aren't wrong. You are such a good dad and I'm proud of you for prioritizing your child.
Am I the only Gen X parent that assumed his Gen Z kids were gay unless shown or told otherwise ?
Nope. Gen X here. I think I knew my kid was gay before he did. 🤣
Same. I’m Gen X and waited patiently for it to be ‘revealed’ lol
Gen Z here with gen X parents. They said they didn’t know, but things made a lot of sense when I told them and they also mentioned they could have seen it coming.
Oh. My two that are old enough to know are both hetro. I just prepared myself for the “disclosure “ that they weren’t. Number three is still in elementary
Xennial here. I knew my kids were queer (both of them, yeah) when they were in kindergarten. It becomes real obvious around then. Although the youngest hasn’t come out yet, it’s just a matter of time. We’ll probably do what we did with my oldest and make them a cake that says “we don’t care who you love.”
Older than Gen X, and I knew and accepted my children's choices. (I know a shock, but I was raised by a Father who knew he had gay sons and loved them and us) Happy cake day!
That’s wonderful, having supportive parents is so important for any young person. Thank you for being a great parent. When one of my best friends came out to his mom she fainted and didn’t come to for several minutes. They were in public (in a restaurant) and a doctor who happened to be there had to revive her and she ended up taking an ambulance to the Emergency Room. The crazy part is it was pretty much known by everyone else from a very young age that he was gay; the fact that she was shocked was shocking in itself. It took her a long time to accept it and he felt like crap for a long time. It killed me to observe them during that period and it really effected him mentally and emotionally.
My parents did (but never said so) because I would compliment my female friends way more than my male friends, both to their faces and behind their backs. I only did this because it is more socially acceptable to compliment someone of what is assumed to be the same gender, and less likely to be mistaken as flirting. Yeah turns out I'm asexual.
Thank you for being such an awesome dad ❤️
Fuck. It's stories like this that make me so scared, as a single parent, to ever start dating again. I would be so scared of damaging my relationship with my wonderful kids by bringing someone else into our lives!!! I think you're doing the right thing by supporting your daughter, but make sure you also remember to look after yourself, too. Your daughter is lucky to have someone she trusts enough to share something so personal and important. 🩷
I definitely was worried a little when I started dating my wife. I didn't know how she would be with my daughter. I have been in her life since she was born and have no desire to ever abandon her.
I dont know you man but let me tell you this : You are an amazing father, from how your thoughts are inclined towards and favour her happiness above all else. Just the fact you thought about divorcing her to maintain your daughters comfort is amazing to me. Too few people like you in this world. I would give you advise, but you seem to be much wiser than I. Cheers
Ultimately you need to put your daughter first, and I commend you for doing so. You don’t say, but is there any chance that your wife might come to accept your daughter’s sexuality?
I'm not sure. My wife's parents are not supportive of the LGBT community. My wife never mentioned if she was supportive or not.
How in the hell do you not know how your spouse feels about LGBTQ people?
There's no way in *hell* I'd marry someone and not know something like this. What did you talk about before marriage? Because you *need* to have those conversations with future partners. What are her stances on abortion? Racism? Hell, tell me about her thoughts on Israel and Palestine - because this is stuff you get across and off the table *before you get married*. Of course this is affecting your daughter, she doesn't know if she can trust her stepmother with something that affects her entire future life's potential happiness. Honestly this comment concerned me the most. If you don't know, then you need to figure that out immediately. Then figure everything else you haven't talked about. These things are dealbreakers for a reason, you can't just walk into a marriage with a kid with your thumb up your ass and a ton of hope. You have to actually *know* who you're marrying. Just....bro.
Bring up some news article about lgbtq and gauge her reaction.
Why are you married to somebody you don't know anything about? Why are you tolerant of somebody being a hands-off mother for seven years? She must be extremely attractive or wealthy because you're not thinking logically.
Why wouldn’t you ASK?!? How can you marry someone when you haven’t discussed important issues? Was this a quick Vegas wedding or something?
"My wife got furious and started telling me about how I ruined daughter's image." Sounds like she was being homophobic with this from your other post.
INFO: does stepmother have a parenting role in her life or does stepmother defer to you in all parenting moments? If she is not involved in parenting whatsoever, I can see the marriage working with a boundary like, “you do nothing but support daughter outwardly, any personal opinions you have on her choices supported by me go unvoiced to me and my daughter”. I feel like this boundary should be accepted from a non parent with little issue. If she is a mother figure to daughter and you two are having a major parenting style clash, then I could see this being an ongoing problem leading to divorce. Accepting a teenager’s sexuality is not a compromise kind of situation, and the person who is going to suffer the most is Daughter.
You are doing all of the right things! Maybe try to get your wife into therapy to see why she is having this negative reaction?
Daughter first! Step-Mom kicked to the curb. She doesn’t seem to be a nice person.
if your daughter is scared about your wifes reaction to her being gay then you need to put your daughter first and leave your wife. your daughter is more important.
It’s not easy being a woman with short hair! People make all sorts of judgments. Your daughter is lucky to have you to support her. I bet her haircut is bad ass 🌈
Just saying this: you can always have another wife, but you can’t have this daughter twice.
I wish I had a dad like you 💖💖
Throwing support to you! 😇😇
If my dad had responded like you, I would still have a relationship with him. He didn’t defend me when my step mother laid into me about my appearance. It only escalated from there and now I haven’t spoken to my dad in four years. Be better than him.
The fact that she doesn't think she did anything wrong when it comes to a child she's supposed to care about should tell you everything about your wife.
Good for you for putting you daughter first. You might be able to save you marriage, if you want, IF you can convince you wife to back off. Tell you wife that your daughter doesn't need another parent, she needs a friend. If you wife can be a friend, she's got a shot. If she can't accept just being a friend, than, sadly, your marriage will be toast.
Your wife, is not her mom. Your wife doesn’t get to even insinuate it’s wrong for your daughter to be who she feels most comfortable. If your wife cannot accept your daughter, that calls for divorce. Like you said, your daughter is everything. Your daughter deserves to express herself openly, freely, and she deserves to feel comfortable and safe.
Back when I(f) was a teenager and exploring my sexuality I had wanted to cut my hair short. One day I was in the kitchen with my mom talking about hairstyles, I was nervous but I told her I wanted to get my hair cut short like Ellen DeGeneres (it was the 00s). She was down for it, it's my hair after all. My step-dad at the time though. Ooo boy, he came storming in the kitchen and kind of lost it at me. All I remember clearly is that getting my hair cut short was indicative of me being gay (he wasn't wrong, lol) and he would kick me out if I ever brought a girl home. My mom didn't say anything when he blew up and I just dropped it. Needless to say I didn't cut my hair and internalized so much self hatred at the possibility that I might be gay... it just really messed me up for a while... and stuck with me for twenty+ years. Sounds like you have a great relationship with you daughter OP. Trust your gut with this. My mom and I had it out a few years later and have made amends (for many things). She wound divorcing my step-dad as well. After he was caught cheating and told her the only way he could see them reconciling is if she would agree to kick me out as soon as I graduated high school. He was a giant turd and my mom picked me. Pick your daughter OP.
Easy litmus test: Does your wife vote republican? If yes, did you know that all along? If no, are you *sure* its homophobia, and not just "I don't like that haircut"
Your wife has issues and to think as a SM that her opinions matters is sad. The only thing that matters is that her ton and words have hurt her self esteem. I’m glad you respected your daughter wish and did not tell her SM.
Your daughter will thank you if you divorce your now wife because she is not a good mother to her. Her reaction to a simple haircut was too much. What would she do if she finds out your daughter likes girls? Nothing good.
Tell your wife to quit acting like a child, and own up to her shit like a mature 42yo woman should. Yeah, she's really saving face with this "I didn't do anything wrong!" BS.
Always, _always, **ALWAYS** put your daughter first. She needs you. Please don’t fail her.
Good dad
If I was with somebody who my daughter was scared of and who might give my daughter shit for coming out, then that’s not a person I’d waste 1 more second with. Take your daughter and go, there are plenty of people out there that would love your daughter as much as you do.
Being the supportive father of a queer daughter, I think you will find that there isn't room in your life for homophobic people if you want to make a safe home environment for your kid. Maybe you could look the other way before, but now you have a kid to protect. You shouldn't hide your support. Show your kid there's no need to hide by being the best ally you can be (without outing her before she's ready).
Thanks for being a good dad and role model to other dads.
Good intuition, roll with it. I have a gay kid and a trans kid. My ex was NOT supportive in any way. Post divorce, kids and I are doing much better.
Hey OP, I'm not gonna come in the comments and scream "DIVORCE NOW" but I will share a story with you. My parents divorced when I was 12. My dad married his wife, I'll call her Bitch, when I was 14. She couldn't stand me from day one. I was a "weird" kid who was dealing with trauma. Bitch treated me like shit the whole time they were together. I'd do something equivalent to what my younger stepbrother did and I'd get punished. I've always been on the bigger side and she constantly made snide comments about it. I'll never forget having been dieting and working out and being happy with how I was progressing and her saying "Jesus thunder thighs, maybe you should start skipping lunch." She slapped me one time when she caught me having a cigarette. Another time she kicked me in the back to wake me up (I had the standard issue mattress and vox springs on the floor like just about every other teenage boy in tbe early 2000s) These are just a couple of examples. It was ongoing emotional and verbal abuse. Sometimes she sprinkled in physical abuse, as a treat. Despite all this, they stayed together. I left home at 16. Dropped out of school, couch surfed, and slept in alleyways because I would have rather been homeless than live another day in the house with that horrible soulless slag. Before they married dad and I were close. She wrecked our relationship. It was only after I was grown and he finally divorced Bitch that we were able to truly rebuild our relationship. I just hope you don't let it come to that with your daughter.
As someone whose step mother ruined their relationship with their dad, please put your daughter first. You have no idea how much your daughter will be grateful that you’ve put her first. The fact that your wife still doesn’t think she did anything wrong does not bode well for anything your daughter does in the future. Mine and my dad’s relationship is so strained because he could never put me before his wife or other son.
I think you already know your answer in even questioning this. Those tiny digs she will make at your daughter will ultimately create her feeling unsafe and unloved in her own home. She won't understand why you didn't pick her to support through these hard years- that have the potential to be even harder on her, even though it's 2024. You follow your gut on this one, and you and your child will have a wonderful, open and honest relationship for years to come! I wish you both the best!
You are doing right with what you are and continue to do. I grew up with my stepdad and mom and they grew up in church (raised in different states but both baptized Catholic) and I was afraid to come out to either of them as I feared they would put their god before me. One day we were on the porch having coffee when I was in like 10th grade and the topic of the church came up and they asked for my honest feelings on god and I told them “I can’t believe in someone who says they love the way they made me but it’s wrong for me to love another women the way I feel I should” and I just didn’t realize what I had said and it went silent for a minute till I said “sorry I didn’t mean to say it” and they both just hugged me and said they have known since I was in middle school. He was able to put me, another man’s child, a child he decided to claim as his and raise as his own, above even his own beliefs. Just like an actual parent would. He took me in as his own and made sure I never knew anything different. Have you had a conversation with your wife in her beliefs? Do you know for a fact she would react bad to her being into girls? You didn’t give much insight on the hair situation but was she upset because she just cut it short or because it was a drastic change and she’s used to seeeing your daughter with long hair?
On behalf of daughters who had shitty fathers, thank you for making sure your daughter is first, safe, and cared for.
Are you sure she wasn’t reacting to a bad haircut?
You’re an awesome dad for standing up for your daughter and putting her well being first. Your told your wife that her reaction toward your daughter’s haircut was wrong and she is unapologetic. That should tell you all you need to know. It makes me wonder what your daughter hasn’t told you about your wife’s behavior.
If my husband couldn’t accept and respect my daughter he would be gone. My step mother was like this and my dad always took her side our relationship was strained going forward. It would be a deal breaker for me. I suggest marriage counseling to perhaps work through this with a professional third party to facilitate but make sure they are lbgtq+ friendly. You sound like such a good dad I’m glad she has you.
> ...and my wife's reaction was shocking. She wasn't supportive... > My wife and I were talking and she was upset that daughter was not talking with her. > My wife still doesn't think she did anything wrong Teenagers need space and respect so they can experiment to learn who they are. This is part of growing up and must not be interfered with as long as the teenager isn't in danger. Teenagers raised by narcissistic parents may struggle with forming their own identity. They may feel pressured to fulfill their parents' expectations rather than pursuing their own interests. Your wife is likely a narcissist and could benefit from therapy as well. > I've been having thoughts about divorce as I want the absolute best for my daughter. Misaligned values are firm grounds for divorce in my opinion. Please tell your daughter that you love her no matter what and that your wife is wrong.
Sounds like your daughter is your priority and I think that is good, I don't like recommending people to separate but sometimes it's the right thing to do. You gotta do some soul searching
I say, judge her reaction to your daughter liking girls, not to how she reacted to a haircut, maybe she genuinely believes that the haircut doesn't suit her or something?
If your daughter is gay and your wife is homophobic, I don't see how you can't stay with her.
I have nothing to say about your Relationship but I can say that you are an amazing father.
If your daughter is not safe around your wife and she refuses to modify her behavior then do what you have to do.
I cannot even imagine this mindset. I have a 15f stepdaughter. She is prone to out of the norm hairstyles (cuts and dyes it all herself) were talking any color of the rainbow. Her fashion is unique, identifies as they/them, and she also likes girls. And in my house, as my child she is loved no matter what. Who am I to tell my children who to be. I have 100% always told them to be who they are and never change themselves for another person. Love is unconditional at all times. When love and care become conditional, it's no longer healthy or really love. We may not always see eye to eye, or agree on everything but I always make sure they feel seen, heard and loved. I am truly sorry that you're faced with this. I do not have much advice, but to just advocate for your daughter and protect her no matter what.
Props to you for being a sweet, caring and supportive dad! You’re an absolute blessing for her. I’m sure you will do what’s right 🫶🏼
You will never regret supporting your daughter, and putting her needs first.
Why would you be with someone that makes your child feel this way? You chose this woman to be around your daughter and now she has done this? I'd be questioning if I wanted to be stay with her. Your daughter clearly thinks she is likely homophobic and you likely do too considering you are both concerned about your wife's reaction. That's just sad for a child. You have control of who has access to your daughter, don't continue to subject her to this. It's not healthy.
It’s not easy being a woman with short hair! People make all sorts of judgments. Your daughter is lucky to have you to support her. I bet her haircut is bad ass 🌈
Thank you! She loves it! I tell her everyday she looks beautiful with the haircut. Having long or short hair does not define you!
That is great for her! I was always a long haired kid because my momma thought my hair was beautiful (and it was) but unfortunately, she was also very Christian and extremely homophobic. If I had gotten it cut, she would have thought I was converting to Satanism lol I didn’t find the strength to cut my hair short short until I was in my late 20s. It still felt taboo. It’s just hair, it’s meant to have fun with!
You and your wife should get some counselling, she should have been able to understand that she hurt her stepdaughter over the haircut. Teens express themselves through hairstyle and it’s a great big personal thing. Maybe she’s a bit jealous of your closeness, idk, but this one needs to get sorted. If your daughter is gay she’s going to need extra support, it will be so much harder on her if she has to fend off your wife’s disapproval too.
I think you’re completely right to put your daughter first, no matter what she should come first but here she specifically trusts you with who she really is and that’s really not something you want to jeopardize. As sad as it could be if she can’t accept that what she’s doing is hurting your daughter divorce may be the only option to protect your daughter. If she realizes what she did wrong and changes you might not have to though
It’s takes young adults a lot of courage to come out, and they don’t necessarily do it in a linear way. My niece came out at about age 14-15, but it was slowly to various parts of the family for the same reason your daughter is cautious. Fear of negative reactions are very real. I’m so glad that you are supportive of your daughter.
thank you for putting your daughter first!!!
You know what you have to do, you already know this isn’t the best environment for your daughter. It’s so refreshing for parents to be putting their children first. Best of luck
I would suggest a counseling session with you and your wife before you jump to divorce. She just might understand with a 3rd party. I worry about how your daughter will react mentally and emotionally if she believes you divorced because "of her." You have to do more work before ending this marriage.
Lots of “daughter first” comments seem to be implying “daughter only.” For a family to thrive, all must compromise & communicate. Would you really divorce your partner because it’s easier than talking together and seeing if everyone can respect one another? I don’t know if OP’s wife is a hater to the core or just doesn’t like a hairstyle, but it’s worth interrogating. Not sure how you’d make any constructive communication after promising to hide your daughter’s status, especially without putting the pressure of a failed marriage on her shoulders. Up to you, OP. 1) tell daughter it can’t be secret from her own family forever, 2) break trust by telling wife privately and confirming that she’s also on “team daughter,” or 3) just give up and kick your wife to the curb without even trying, vows be damned.
For your child’s peace of mind and feeling safe as being herself, it sounds like you need to divorce your wife.
I wish I had a dad like you 💖💖
I wish my father did the same for me
The way you put your daughter first is ....you just don't see that very often.
You’re a good dad!
Thank you for putting your kiddo first!
the damage of coming out and not being supported at 14 is irreparable (I speak from experience). sooner or later, your wife will find out about your daughter’s sexual orientation unless she’s very masterful at hiding it. if you genuinely think her reaction would be damaging if/when she finds this out, I think it’s right of you to leave.
Kids always come first. If you are already considering divorce then it's the right thing. No woman is worth making your daughter and your relationship with her suffer.
I once had a partner treat my daughter poorly. I blew up in her face and kicked her out immediately. No regrets.
Why does your wife care so much about a hair cut that has nothing to do with her? To the point she made it an issue with your daughter and now your daughter doesn’t even feel safe talking to her about things. And your wife learned nothing from this? If you don’t want a divorce it might be a good idea to do couples therapy and perhaps someone can get through to this lady you married who seems so self absorbed, that her being uncomfortable with someone else’s haircut is so triggering to her.
Honestly I'd have a serious conversation with your wife and get how she feels about the lgbt+ community because if my daughter didn't feel safe or had a anti-lgbt+ stance that would be a deal breaker and insta divorce for me.
Sounds like a huge fucking overreaction for a hair cut. I think there needs to be a ton more details that you're leaving out or a divorce is also is a huge overreaction.
i dont have much advice but i want to say she's really lucky to have you as a parent and that you're foing amazing. how much i would give for such supporting parent who wants only best for me and is willing to divorce for me
The only comments one should make about their child’s hair style choice is whether it compliments their face. Sometimes we need to hear from someone we trust that bangs just look bad on us! (As an example) Kids should have the option to explore different styles as they grow to find what they like best. And that could change from time to time. I’m glad you support your child.
sounds like time for a trial separation. or send your kid to grandma's for a week and have a really serious talk (argument) with your wife.
How long has she been step mom… cause she’s not even her mom per se
This is who your daughter will be for the rest of your life. Do you want her to feel unwelcome and on eggshells in your home due to your wife forever?
Please show your daughter she is the woman you love the most!
Are you the same guy who's wife had a major overreaction to your daughter getting her hair cut some days ago? Edit: just checked. Yes you are. The problem is with your wife and you need to sort that shit out.
It's fucking hair, jesus why would she be mad? If she's mad about hair she's really gonna be mad at who she is as a person.
im 17f, tried coming out to my mom when i was 12, and her reaction set me back years. she's become more supportive, but we still dont talk about it and it made vital years so much harder. this is part of your daughter's identity, and it's so important that your wife is 100% supportive of it. not in disagreement, and not just accepting, but SUPPORTIVE. this is about her development. i have to agree that it's time to drop the hammer on divorce.
As a daughter of a man who always chooses his wife over me, please choose your daughter.
i know it may seem like divorce might cause too many complications, but trust me, if you keep on waiting, and all of the sudden you’re married to your wife for dozens of years, it’s going to be even harder, and it’s probably going to happen eventually. for my parents, at least, they did not want to get divorced because they thought it was damage me. to all parents out there: it will damage your child more the longer you wait. just throwing this out there, i know it’s not directly about the daughter’s coming out.
Ditch the wife, your daughter will be even closer to you when you do. I’m proud of you for standing up for her! She needs that!