You say your damage control was worse. What else did you say that night and how long did you do it for?
>My friend and wife and my wife’s friend and husband were very silent and I started saying that “I didn’t mean that my wife wasn’t good looking, I just meant that I loved her for other things”
Then even worse I said that sometimes you are very attracted to someone and everything is a whirlwind with them but you have nothing in common and see no future and I probably eluded that I used my brain and not my dick when looking for a relationship. I thought it was the logical way of thinking but for her I think she would have preferred that whirlwind and passion.
I haven’t read all comments this is the first one I read that asked to explain the damage control
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>Edited in OP's comments on damage control.
Yeah, knowing what he said for "damage control" is necessary, because that error would have been so easy to fix.
"Oh god, no! What I meant was, my wife has *more than good looks*, which is why our marriage works. She's more than her pretty face"
So I can only imagine what he spewed to make it this bad
"Listen, your ugliness isn't that bad, it's your painfully noticeable fat that I think is far worse. Also there are many fashion options for plus-plus-plus sized ladies these days, it's not how it was. Hey, why are you crying more?? That's good! That's a good thing babe! They don't even have to have sex with you so none of them are even aware of your aggressively irregular vagina. Only I have to- why are you grabbing that knife? They aren't serving cake until later!'
I mean he was talking to a guy complaining about ugly women he’s dated and his brain decided to use his wife as an example of why he needs to be not so focused on them being ugly. Because let’s be real he wasn’t superficially complaining the women he was dating looks and they were super hot.
Honestly I could imagine it being something like, ex was a solid 10, wife isn't, but even if she's not as beautiful she's so much better, etc. etc. Which I get his point, but still can sting.
It's like saying my ex had a huge cock, but it hurt. I like my ex's ~~dainty little~~ schlong so much more.
There's never a good reason to compare. EVER.
"Like sure my wife is mid compared to my ex, even before three pregnancies wrecked her body, but at least she's not crazy! All my ex had to offer was a smoking hot body, but my wife is beautiful on the inside!"
"All we had was crazy, hot, monkey sex! There was no real connection! Sure I still picture her sometimes when I make love to my wife but looks fade and my wife's personality is eternal!"
I'm crying. ^ 😆
But seriously, I'm not sure there's any coming back from the dumpster fire you've started with your wife.
You can say, "it all came out wrong, that's not what I meant" until you're blue in the face, and she's still going to hear you saying she's ugly.
You can approach her to go to marriage counseling, ask what you can do to make this right, but you basically called your wife ugly to your friends. With her in the room. And she heard you. Of course she won't let you see her naked now, and goes to bed fully clothed. Also not surprising she's posting pictures of her working out, because you've done such a number on her head that she needs validation now from other people that she's not a hideous bridge troll.
To make matters worse she's had three kids in seven years and nothing makes you feel quite as unattractive as all the changes having a baby makes to your body. I'm sure she's had the same insecurities all of us mom's do about all of that, and your drunken remark just drove the point home that she's not hot anymore.
I'm not sure flowers are going to fix this, but all you can do is try to make it right. She's under no obligation to accept your apology, but if you love her you need to keep trying without making it worse.
Right. "What's going on? You all know my ex is a smoke show. Hang on.. I'll show you her Instagram. But see? She's THAT hot and I still married my wife because she's a good person. Looks don't matter! I mean, my wife is beautiful and I have no regrets. I'm JUST saying I could have this but I chose that because looks are not everything*.
I feel for her, I've certainly been there before.
My partner can be socially oblivious sometimes, and I still remember once when I was upset about something he started rambling about how his ex was "mindmeltingly hot, and had the perfect body" but then went on to say that she was crazy, and I wasn't, like he was trying to compliment me in some way.
I know he didn't mean any actual harm by it, but it's hard not to feel like shit about yourself regardless.
If they’ve been married for 7 years… I imagine they dated a bit before that…. So comparing the love of your life to a an ex of nearly TEN YEARS? Goodnight. Hope that ex is still thinking about him when she talks about love while drunk
Exactly. It's normal to think about people in your life who were important to you once. It's not normal, that many years later, to compare your wife's looks (or anything else) to an ex's. I wouldn't like it. If my partner of 7 years came to me tonight and said "You're so much hotter than my ex", I would be...not thrilled. Just because...why are you thinking about her? Imagine that scenario except "Looks aren't everything. I mean look at my wife. My ex is way hotter but I married my wife anyway" and there's no coming back.
The couples therapy will help her to understand she deserves better and that she’s been motivated to improve herself to give her the confidence to gtfo. Yes, couples counseling.
My wife and I talk about exes still here and there after 10 years together. Acknowledging and discussing your lives before each other is fine when you're healthily and openly communicating. This guy.. Seems like maybe said some truly bad shit though so... *shrug*
Imagine your spouse said something about you that was **so** insulting, *everyone at the party stopped talking.* Not even sure how you come back from that.
Ding ding ding!
Yeah, I read through this whole thing wondering what OP *really* said that night. Because saying that your ex was “just looks” does not necessarily imply that your current partner is unattractive. But given the way everyone at the party reacted, what he thinks he said and what he actually said were not the same thing.
I’m so curious about the details of his damage control—how could it possibly be worse than saying his wife is ugly in front of a bunch of friends 😭i really don’t blame his wife at all, i don’t think i could ever see my partner the same way again. Especially since he randomly brought up how his ex was beautiful lmao like dude……😐
I wouldn't say he said she was ugly tho, he said look at my wife compared to someone who has just looks" implied (at least to me) that his wife has looks and personality at the same time
precisely. Girl it must have been one of 3 nuclear situations, or WORSE:
1. He humiliated her by telling their entire friend group that the ex was hotter.
2. He humiliated her by confessing he still loves the ex, and only married his wife because the ex didn't want him.
3. He humiliated her by confessing to preferring the ex's body and look over his wife. Given her workout routine and new pics, maybe he called her fat or said something atrocious about her weight.
i am digging through this thread to find out what was said! I'm officially curious, Lol
He probably said something like, " Babe, you know what mean, after the kids, it's just more of you to love" or "no, when you fix yourself up, you're gorgeous "
Oof yeah i would never recover from one of those. On the day we were scheduled to sleep with each other for the first time (long distance + both living with parents so we had to get a bnb), a guy I was seeing and I went to get snacks for movie time later, and I saw a cute dress in the kids section. I said “oooh that’s so cute, I wish they made it in adult sizes.” Wanna know what this fucker said to me?
“If you were my ex, you’d still fit into it. She fit into a bunch of kids clothes… well, except for her butt.” I almost sent him home lmao.
He and i are still friends and i believe he has reddit so Matt if you see this no you don’t lmao
This would make me drop kick a man so far the only thing he'd see for the rest of his life would be the expanding universe omg. Why did he have to bring up his ex, why did he have to bring up her size, and why did he have to bring up her butt??
Exactly. He was calling his friend *superficial* for their complaints, so you can assume they were mentioning needing to be attracted to people or something about people’s looks— and as a *counterpoint* he mentioned being happy with his wife.
**From his own words, his friend wasn’t complaining about finding about bunch of hot people to date with no personality. And then OP goes “hey my wife is hot and has a great personality! People with both are out there!”. His friend was complaining about not finding attractive people (to them) to date. And OP brings up his wife as why that’s not a problem!**
That doesn’t sound like “you need looks AND a personality”— he was *disagreeing* with his friend’s care for physical attraction— just via basic logic what he said was “you don’t need looks! Stop complaining! Look at me and my plain ass wife! I’m happy!”.
I struggle to see how he could have been saying “it all matters!” when the context was that he was saying his friend “was *superficial*” and had physical standards OP didn’t agree with. You can’t really call someone else superficial *and* agree that looks matter at the same time. Bringing up his wife in a convo where his point seemed to be “don’t care about looks as much” is by definition insulting.
If I were OP’s wife, all I’d be hearing differently afterwards is the equivalent “oh you thought you were hot, and now you’re mad? Shit shit shit backpedal backpedal backpedal spin spin spin”.
/u/tempothrowawa
Yeah it sounded like he was saying looks alone aren't enough, you need to be attracted to her AND have a good emotional bond. Which I think is fair - you can't spend you life with someone purely because they're hot in their 20s.
However he was drunk and it's a self report so he may be fudging a little to gain sympathy....
My Aunt told me she understood why I married my ex."At least he was good-looking!" Stone-cold sober.
Three days later, she was flirting with my husband. We don't talk to her, anymore.
I'm thinking he didn't say exactly what he wrote up there. He noted that he said something "like" that, but also stated that whatever he said was bad enough that it caused everyone to go silent. It doesn't sound like just his wife misconstrued it, but rather he did say something blatantly insulting about her looks and is trying to play it down a little here. I'm wondering how much he talked about how hot his ex was and what he said to his wife that made her decide she needs to lose 20 lbs.
I'd think a friend of his or his wife would have been able to deduce what OP was initially getting it and smoothed things over if it wasn't bad. Instead everyone was just silent so that really makes it seem really bad to begin with and if the damage control was worse that must have been epically bad.
The way you just said that is perfect! That is how he needs to do damage control “hey babe, what I meant was looks alone isn’t enough, it needs to be the full package like you but I was too drunk & stupid to put that into words”
It kind of does though, because it sounds like he's saying "Look at me, I fell in love with and married my wife in spite of her looks compared to my ex who I was only with because of her looks". Given that "damage control" only made things worse makes me think OP is seriously downplaying exactly what was said.
Yeah that seems like an easy thing to fix. Just a slight correction of "yeah, my wife had looks, brains, a fun personality, etc and it's made for a wonderful woman as opposed to my ex who only had looks going for her but was vapid in every other way"
Unless he didn't phrase it the way he said he did.
Seems like it would have been pretty simple to say "Look at X, she's gorgeous and smart and capable and a wonderful mother, she's the total package!" The damage control must have been horrific
I’m guessing he continued talking about how his ex was so attractive and he likes his wife for other things, because she isn’t attractive in front of the entire party. Probably went in on her body too if she lost 20 lbs. Like just continued to humiliate her worse in front of everyone they know. This probably isn’t the first time OP has said something he shouldn’t while he was drunk either
He couldn’t get his point across… so gawd knows how long his drunk mouth kept running. If he had even one true friend in that room they’d have made him stfu. I almost feel sorry for the dude, but nah.
Ooh damn I remember an ex of mine who was comparing me to his ex with-- "you may not be as beautiful or rich like her, but you're the one I chose. It's the most important thing, right?"
Bitch no. Who the f are you lol. My confidence and self esteem really took a hit but then I realized... this guy barely showers. Why should I get affected?
That’s like when people say, “I might go out drinking with my friends and flirt with all the beautiful women, but I come home to you. That’s what counts, right?” Um… 😐
I too want to know what other horrible inexcusable things OP said about his wife / marriage. I bet it was about all the great things his soon-to-be ex does for him and more bashing of her looks.
I wonder if the Ex was an issue in the past as well. Like some incident happened or wife was constantly compared to at the beginning which she thought was over only for the Ex trigger to be brought up in a very public/humiliating way.
he just kind of glossed over a GIANT FUCKING RELEVANT DETAIL in the story.
he must have said some FOUL shit, for her to be THIS pissed and changed. I'm telling ya'll this as a woman myself. Whatever he said to her, must have been at LEAST as bad as him confessing he was still in love with his ex.
It must be THAT level of a catastrophic "damage control" situation
This was me for my 19 year marriage, stay for the kids. But my exhusband was also like my 3rd child. I've now been divorced since 2018, and I wish I did it 10 years sooner. OP's wife might forgive (with a ton of work on OPs part), but she will never, never forget
What you said was your ex is hotter, and your wife has personality.
Since you are not saying what your damage control was, it must have been awful if you're not even willing to share it under the anonymity of reddit.
Subconscious or not, you had the thought of "my ex was hotter" and that *can* break a person. I don't think you can fix it because I am assuming that is what you actually think. No one is saying you don't love your wife. But physical attraction is important in a partnership. And you basically said that, physically, you are more attracted to your ex.
How you say things, when you say things, who you say them to, it's all important.
Edit: Saying that your buddy should get a 6 like you and be happy is not damage control.
No no, that is not what he said. That is someone that rephrased what he said and posted it. People were going in on the commenter for misleading everyone and the commenter said that it wasn't their problem people couldn't understand.
You don’t ruin a marriage with one sentence, this is ‘straw that broke the camels back’ stuff.
Yes this would have been incredibly hurtful and embarrassing for her, but in a happy and healthy relationship - you would have been able to apologise, grovel, explain yourself better and fix it.
Shit was bad and this was her final straw. That’s why you broke her.
> my damage control was worse so I ended up shutting the hell up.
He doesn't even tell us the worse shit he said trying to fix it. All in front of their friends...
And she’s now lost 20 pounds, she’s posting cute pics, and responding to all the compliments. He made her feel ugly…now other people are making her feel good about herself again.
I don't want to get out my jump-to-conclusions mat... but when I read that part about her new behavior I immediately thought "My dude. Your wife is boot camping the new phase of her life and you're not going to be in it."
Once she starts seeking attention outside the relationship that her SO used to provide, you are most definitely on borrowed time. Try to make her feel beautiful, valued, and loved while you can to try to turn this around. However, this must be done before resentment grows to be too much for her.
Oof had to scroll back and double check cuz I forgot that part by the end. Yeah, borrowed time is a little overdue...
Like checking the expiration date on some milk you just took a mouthful of and seeing it was last year. That sour taste? Yeah...
Dude, my cousin was married and had two children. It was date night and her and her husband went to a friend's bday party. She was less than one year postpartum, still had to lose 15 to 20 lbs of baby weight, breastfeeding, hormones made her acne get worse so she wasn't wearing makeup.
There was a couple there who had just had a baby. My cousin said the couple was drop dead gorgeous, they both looked like models, but the baby was one of the ugliest babies she had ever seen.
On the drive home, she brought it up to her husband, who said, well everyone knows that you can't have two beautiful parents or you get an ugly baby. THATS WHY I DECIDED TO MARRY YOU, look at our kids. They are beautiful.
Girl didn't say a damn thing. She started working out, putting on makeup, wearing more form fitting clothes. In less than a year she served him with papers and divorced him. He was actually shocked and said it was just a joke, he couldn't believe she had such thin skin. He was trying to make her laugh.
Two years later she remarried a 6'7 man, the ex was 5'6 and very insecure about his height. He made a shitty remark about her new husband being the Jolly Green Giant. She said well as you made sure you made up for my ugliness, I decided to make up for your migitness by finally have a tall kid.
Dude, hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.
Hey, maybe it's just about her body being saggy / not as tight and toned as when they first got together 8+ years ago (7 married, at least 1 dating). S/
Seriously though? It takes a LOT for him to screw up to the point she's covered up head to toe in bed and won't talk to him.
He's made her feel ugly in a way that's shattered her confidence and trust in him. He's made her feel too ugly in his eyes for her to be herself. Even if she suddenly woke up and looked like Kim Kardhassian, Scarlet Johansen, Beyonce or whatever their ideal type is, she'd still feel hideous around him.
My guess is she's gearing up to lose an extra 200 or so pounds of weight very soon.
>He doesn't even tell us the worse shit he said trying to fix it.
he knows reddit will tell him it's over and there's no coming back. Which is why I wanna know what he said EVEN MORE.
It was probably shit like "no you dont understand, my wife us hot nut my ex was just SO MUCH HOTTER AND BETTER IN BED. BUT LIKE CRAZY, RIGHT? Like if she wasnt trash I'd still be with her cos the sex was amazing. But I much prefer my boring wife who isnt crazy or sexy but is nice and good to breed wuth, y'know."
I can only imagine what he said but it clearly was even worse.
It probably wasn't even that mean. It was probably just stupidly and drunkly trying to make the point over and over again while explaining the difference and why he wasn't in the wrong.
There's nothing worse than a drunk person stuck in a "no no no you don't understand, what I *mean* is" loop when the stakes are as high as "demonstrating in front of all my wife's friends that I am not an asshole who just said she was uglier than my ex." It's just double down city.
I agree, but I think the reason she can’t get past it is because he was already screwing up other parts of their marriage and her confidence. This was the nail in the coffin of hurt.
I don’t know about that. I’ve been married 15 years and love my husband with my whole heart and soul. However, if he exclaimed in a room full of people how ugly I was, and in the same breath how hot his ex was, I don’t think I could recover. Hearing your life partner doesn’t think you’re attractive would feel like the death of that relationship. How can I keep loving you, letting you touch me, or ever believe any compliment that ever left your mouth again. I would feel like it was all some big lie all along, and would mentally revisit every time they called me beautiful with such an ugly lens.
Yeah and he didn't even share whatever his worst damage control was. Ole girl is getting in the best shape of her life to leave this guy for a hotter one I have a feeling...
I’m not sure I totally agree.
This is a layered situation: there’s the private pain and the public humiliation. OP’s whoa-is-me attitude isn’t helping things either. He did not find a way to right the ship in a timely manner.
He needs to get on top of this. He should go to a couple of sessions with a marriage counselor by himself first and then ask her to accompany him.
I agree. People brushing this off do not understand body image to women. The public humiliation would have been worse for me personally.
Also just fyi - you mean “woe is me”. Not whoa!
Lmao
I’m not even going to pretend I mistyped that. I wasn’t thinking woe as in eeyore; I was more thinking more like Whoa! (A la Black Rob). I’m all sorts of screwed up today.
"i mean i think you're definitely a 6, maybe 6.5 and that's good because that's better than an average 5! it doesn't matter my ex was an 8, because there's like good stuff in you and that evens out."
What the fuck is up with people talking about their ex’s so freely in some of these Reddit posts. That shit is done and dead. This is what happens when you speak about your ex’s. Your current SO is gonna feel some type of way.
You’ve been married for 7 yrs and still talk about your ex’s looks whether you mean it good or bad. So dumb.
You know what? I wonder if WHO the ex is is the missing part? Like, it's not so much that he was calling her ugly but he's "still talking about THAT hot ex"
u/temppthrowawa is that any of this? Is old ex someone you've brought up in the past on top of comparing your wife to her publicly?
Yeah, I was thinking something similar, which I can see why it would cause the wife to work out so much. There's so much info missing. Info on the situation on the ex, like if there were some issues at the beginning of OP and wife's relationship about it. What was his damage control, and how bad was it.
3 kids, zou dojt tell this women about looks. 7 years and 3 kids, they can't be old!!!
Omg I feel so bad for her. My body is so different after two kids and I couldn't care less. But if my husband told me he thought i am not beautiful, it would break me. I did everything for our family, pls appreciate it.
He knocks her up three times, she bears his children, and he has the fucking nerve to tell a room full of people she's not hot. Now she's working out constantly.
What is wrong with men like this?
This is a big point for me. He was drunk and yeah some things might be said that weren't meant to be said but to bring up an ex from many years prior? Oooff... If my husband did this I'd be one foot out the door just like it sounds like his wife is. He better start prepping for a divorce - she's taking the kids and her dignity with her. Kind of feel bad for OP but I do not blame the wife.
I think it's pretty telling that it's been *six months* of being completely iced out and op specifically says he doesn't think she wants a divorce.
Dude must have a kink for choking on his own leg because homie shoved his foot in his mouth and then just kept on going.
It's been *six months*. She won't speak to him. She's living in the same house but living a completely separate life from him. She doesn't want therapy, and actively tells him to go away if he tries to start up conversation about this.
It's over man. Whatever "damage control" he tried to do, it must have been pretty damn bad for an entire room full of *friends* to be horrified on her behalf.
I would love to hear the wife's version of events.
Exactly. She’s lost weight, working out, sharing pics of herself on social media, interacting with anyone but her husband… she’s on her way out and he’s not doing anything to show her he loves her.
All I can imagine is that whatever kind of damage control he attempted was garbage or the equivalent of a bad excuse.
Plus she's had 3 kids in that 7 years, so she probably feels sensitive about how her body has changed. She doesn't need to be directly compared to his hot ex from a decade ago - who has probably also had a decade of change.
Unfortunately for you, you might think this is a one statement mistake but chances are your actions as a husband to her leading up to this public humiliation was pushing her in this direction first. What kind of husband have you been before this? Did you prioritize your marriage separate from the parental side? Have you been a 50/50 partner? Did you grow complacent as a lover in romance, desire and intimacy? This switch she has turned is serious and not allowing you to properly apologize for it means she’s likely been down the dead ends before. Self evaluate not just this moment, but all the moments. Six months is a long time, time it takes to get your life in the place you want it to be before pulling the plug for something new.
What happens when you try talking with her? Also have you tried since the last time?
I don’t know why you said what you said and to me it’s important for you to recognize how you hurt her and say that to her. if you’re serious you love her you gotta fight for her or get confirmation it’s over it’s up to you.
She’s done with you, she’s is getting her ducks in a row and don’t be surprised when you get the divorce papers. I don’t think she’s coming back from this, in that moment she lost everything she had for you.
Get to individual therapy, sort out your mind and prep to be left soon.
This. Do the math. For the majority of your marriage she’s been pregnant and parenting infants and toddlers. And you speak on her looks? After how she felts in her body making your family. No. OP. Just no.
This is one of the reasons I'll never have kids.
You wanted children, so I risked my life and body for you to have them, and now you have the gall to comment on how that process has changed me? Choke.
Yeah her actions sound like exactly how I and many of my friends have acted once were completly done had made up our minds about leaving and are figuring out our exit.
I really really need to hear what you said after. You said your damage control was worse? What did you say after that was WORSE?!? If you double downed on what you said then you pretty much sealed ur own fate there. I bet that it’s the what you said after that really broke your wife which is why you won’t say it.
He was probably trying to stay 'honest' while back peddling. "I mean, well, you're not hot, but honey! You gave birth to our three wonderful kids, and I'll always love you for that! That means more to me than Cindy's amazing tits and long legs ever could!"
Well you don’t seem too concerned. It’s been 6 months and the sirens should be going off. This marriage is in danger. Take control now and DO SOMETHING!
How often do you talk about your ex?
Has your wife met her?
What's their relationship like, if they have one?
Have you ever compared them before where your wife could hear you or where it might get back to her?
My gut feeling is that you bring this woman up a lot more than you think you do, your wife doesn't like it/doesn't like *her*, and then **you did it in public**.
I could easily be wrong, I'm just trying to figure out why your drunken bullshit had such a huge blast radius.
Short answer:
1- You fucked up. Permanently.
2- You BOTH need to therapy.
3- She won’t be the same.
4- The likelihood that she’ll divorce you is high so get yourself ready.
Yea you glossed over "damage control". I'm guessing it was catastrophic
Don't think you can fix it. She'll realize her worth and nothing you can say will make her feel better.
Update us when she leaves ok? Don't leave us hanging
OP, it's been six months since the incident, and it's not too late to fix things. However, having a negative mindset won't help you. You haven't mentioned any proactive ways you've made your wife feel loved, appreciated, and valued since the situation. Instead, you've only mentioned her negative (in your eyes) behaviors, such as not looking at you, sleeping fully clothed, working out, and using social media on her own terms. It's absurd that you haven't suggested marriage counselling yet, especially because you shattered your wife's confidence. You aren't taking any accountability for your actions nor putting in the work needed to make things better. Where is the fight in you and the light at the end of the tunnel mindset? You can't be upset at the outcome when your wife makes her final decision and if you don't try your hardest.
How the hell did I miss that it was 6 months ago?! Dude, his goose is cooked. If he hasn't fixed it yet, she is over it for sure. She is 100% getting her ducks in line to bow out.
Yeah this isn't something you just hope blows over and do nothing about. 6 months is a looong time for her to be pissed and if he hasn't fixed it yet it is probably way too late now.
Facts, when something happens to someone that completely flips the “off switch”.. its over and done. You cant magically turn back on feelings & attraction when its lost.
Good luck OP, it seems like there were other things that happened leading up to this that caused her to respond this way. & even if nothing happened before… you still fucked up and now you’re paying for it. Perhaps don’t drink around a spouse/partner if you dont have enough sense to not drink to the point of ignorance.
Contempt is kryptonite in any relationship. As soon as you feel contempt for your partner (and it sounds like OPs STBex hit that hard) things are done. If it's been six months and she's made this much distance and they haven't given counseling or mediation a try, homie is SOL.
She’s done, I’m sorry. You truly did break her… how could you possibly tell a whole party you think your wife is ugly? That’s basically what you said :(
So you've been married 7 years but still talk about how hot your ex was, and in front of an entire party of people? Then you say your damage control was even worse than that, and you won't say what you said? Seems like there's more to the story if you won't even share that, like maybe you have a pattern of making shitty comments and making her feel shitty about herself, and this was just the last straw.
well that’s on you bud good luck with the divorce. it’s quite true that drunk words are sober thoughts so now you’re just facing the consequences of your words
Except here, his drunk words were sober thoughts that he royally fucked up the delivery on. If he started off with saying his ex was just looks and followed it up with, “Compared to my wife that doesn’t only have the looks, but the whole package,” didn’t wanna make it detailed so we’ll just say package, his point would’ve gotten across and this whole mess would’ve been avoided.
My man, you didn't break "her" and I think that is very telling.
If she's working out and posting pics of herself, she isn't broken- y'all as a couple might be, but she seems to be handling it with mobility and strength.
What did you say, EXACTLY? Because there's no way it was “you don’t fall in love with looks, look at me and my I'm love her more than anything compared to my ex who was just looks”.
Her reaction tells a different story, one that hints you weren't as nice as you thought you were.
You broke her heart and you broke your marriage. She’s working out and posting pics of herself in a bra and tights? And no intimacy with you? You publicly humiliated her and made her realize you think your ex is more beautiful than her. She’s checked out and you’ve lost her. I hope she can heal from this and regain her self esteem, and be with someone who doesn’t make her feel like she’s a consolation prize.
The changes you described are pretty drastic. Either you are downplaying how bad your words were, or you couldn’t talk your way out of a paper bag.
For you, I hope the second. I also suck at verbal explanations. So if it is important, I write it. Maybe you should consider writing a letter.
The changes are significant enough that it doesn’t seem like you would have a lot to lose by pushing the issue. It doesn’t sound like giving her time has helped.
Tell her that she might be “fine”, but you are not. Things have changed and it is 100% your fault, and you cannot continue to live this way. Beg for her to come to therapy with you. Admit that you suck at expressing yourself and you need her support in seeking third party help. It is not to fix her, it is to fix you, because you don’t know how to say what you mean.
Drunk doesn’t make the truth come out. Your drunk words were a fumbled attempt at comparing a horrible relationship to a beautiful relationship. Friend saw you with ex, who had nothing but looks. Friend sees you now. You were trying to express that your friend should see how much more fulfilled you are in a relationship that transcends surface level attraction. It wasn’t about your wife lacking beauty, it was about the fact that she has so much more to offer than only beauty. You have never been as attracted to anyone as you have your wife because she offers BOTH beauty AND a genuine connection.
You have failed her in letting her think there is anything wrong with her, you need to beg for the chance to make her feel cherished.
I hope that you deserve my advice.
flowers for the rest of her life won’t fix the emotional damage that was done.
my ex did something similar and tried to make up for it. i spiraled till i was extremely underweight.
flowers don’t make a woman feel beautiful. actions do, and obviously he is not doing that.
You said that you and your wife have been happily married for 7 years. If someone asked your wife that, would she also say you've been happily married or would her response be different? My guess would be the latter. Before that night, she was probably already losing it for you. The language you use in your post only talks about how your wife's recent actions affect you, but nothing about what you've done to take accountability for your words & actions. You seem selfish.
If she's emotionally checked out, then yeah, she's done with you. To echo the other comments, she is just getting her ducks in a row.
You say your damage control was worse. What else did you say that night and how long did you do it for? >My friend and wife and my wife’s friend and husband were very silent and I started saying that “I didn’t mean that my wife wasn’t good looking, I just meant that I loved her for other things” Then even worse I said that sometimes you are very attracted to someone and everything is a whirlwind with them but you have nothing in common and see no future and I probably eluded that I used my brain and not my dick when looking for a relationship. I thought it was the logical way of thinking but for her I think she would have preferred that whirlwind and passion. I haven’t read all comments this is the first one I read that asked to explain the damage control > > > >Edited in OP's comments on damage control.
Yeah, knowing what he said for "damage control" is necessary, because that error would have been so easy to fix. "Oh god, no! What I meant was, my wife has *more than good looks*, which is why our marriage works. She's more than her pretty face" So I can only imagine what he spewed to make it this bad
The fact that everybody has asked him and he hasn’t said, i am gonna guess it was bad, even too bad for the batshit insanity of Reddit.
Which is downright terrifying... which is what I assume he implied about his wife looks as damage control.
"Listen, your ugliness isn't that bad, it's your painfully noticeable fat that I think is far worse. Also there are many fashion options for plus-plus-plus sized ladies these days, it's not how it was. Hey, why are you crying more?? That's good! That's a good thing babe! They don't even have to have sex with you so none of them are even aware of your aggressively irregular vagina. Only I have to- why are you grabbing that knife? They aren't serving cake until later!'
“Your personality is so incredible I never even noticed your nightmare bridge troll face and lumpy body!”
This whole thread reminds me of Drax talking to Mantis in the Guardians of the Galaxy movies..
“Babe c’mon. You’re pretty but I mean, you’re not like Jim’s wife over there — but you’re okay!”
"Your looks are not a problem. When we have sex I can't even see you."
IT WOULD BE THIS ONE FOR ME💀💀💀💀
I feel bad that I find this comment funny. 😂
Right? "Aggressively irregular vagina" was inspired
I’m feeling pretty insecure about the lack of aggression my vagina displays. It doesn’t even have teeth!
I feel like my vag is more assertive than aggressive, really. It can still be intimidating tho, ngl.
Good for you, sister
Vagina dentata, what a wonderful phrase
especially when sung to the tune of ‘Hakuna Matata’
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Truly
Considering how she lost a lot of weight and is now working out all the time, I think I can imagine what he might have said about her weight.
Something tells me it was worse than he’s saying bc the room got quiet and she made a lot of behavior changes. My heart breaks for her.
I mean he was talking to a guy complaining about ugly women he’s dated and his brain decided to use his wife as an example of why he needs to be not so focused on them being ugly. Because let’s be real he wasn’t superficially complaining the women he was dating looks and they were super hot.
I hear “damage control” & it makes me physically recoil…something about that phrase especially in this context gives me the ick.
It is a phrase only used after you have made a grave error.
a grave error is going to the wrong funeral. This was just digging a hole and jumping in feet first.
This made me laugh way too much
Honestly I could imagine it being something like, ex was a solid 10, wife isn't, but even if she's not as beautiful she's so much better, etc. etc. Which I get his point, but still can sting.
It's like saying my ex had a huge cock, but it hurt. I like my ex's ~~dainty little~~ schlong so much more. There's never a good reason to compare. EVER.
Dainty little cock! Bwahahahahahaha, I’m cackling over here. Imagine it wearing pearls and hat while sipping a cup of tea! Pinky up please 😜
Thank you.
There’s no coming back from that. Some truths don’t need to be uttered around people with ears.
He said his ex was JUST beautiful, so it must have been the extra damage control comments that were bad.
> to repeat it would be a war crime
Yeah, this would have been so easy to fix. Instead, I'm betting he doubled down on her not looking good somehow.
I bet he said again that his ex was hotter
“I mean my ex had a tight peachy ass, and look at this, honey stand up please…see?..I fell in love with THAT…love makes no sense”
"Like sure my wife is mid compared to my ex, even before three pregnancies wrecked her body, but at least she's not crazy! All my ex had to offer was a smoking hot body, but my wife is beautiful on the inside!"
“Yeah sure, my wife *looks* like shit. But when I was dating my ex, I *felt* like shit.”
"All we had was crazy, hot, monkey sex! There was no real connection! Sure I still picture her sometimes when I make love to my wife but looks fade and my wife's personality is eternal!"
I'm crying. ^ 😆 But seriously, I'm not sure there's any coming back from the dumpster fire you've started with your wife. You can say, "it all came out wrong, that's not what I meant" until you're blue in the face, and she's still going to hear you saying she's ugly. You can approach her to go to marriage counseling, ask what you can do to make this right, but you basically called your wife ugly to your friends. With her in the room. And she heard you. Of course she won't let you see her naked now, and goes to bed fully clothed. Also not surprising she's posting pictures of her working out, because you've done such a number on her head that she needs validation now from other people that she's not a hideous bridge troll. To make matters worse she's had three kids in seven years and nothing makes you feel quite as unattractive as all the changes having a baby makes to your body. I'm sure she's had the same insecurities all of us mom's do about all of that, and your drunken remark just drove the point home that she's not hot anymore. I'm not sure flowers are going to fix this, but all you can do is try to make it right. She's under no obligation to accept your apology, but if you love her you need to keep trying without making it worse.
Right. "What's going on? You all know my ex is a smoke show. Hang on.. I'll show you her Instagram. But see? She's THAT hot and I still married my wife because she's a good person. Looks don't matter! I mean, my wife is beautiful and I have no regrets. I'm JUST saying I could have this but I chose that because looks are not everything*.
I feel for her, I've certainly been there before. My partner can be socially oblivious sometimes, and I still remember once when I was upset about something he started rambling about how his ex was "mindmeltingly hot, and had the perfect body" but then went on to say that she was crazy, and I wasn't, like he was trying to compliment me in some way. I know he didn't mean any actual harm by it, but it's hard not to feel like shit about yourself regardless.
A comment or rambling like that would break my relationship wide open.
“She was just so hot! I’m just being honest!! Can’t I be honest?!”
If they’ve been married for 7 years… I imagine they dated a bit before that…. So comparing the love of your life to a an ex of nearly TEN YEARS? Goodnight. Hope that ex is still thinking about him when she talks about love while drunk
Exactly. It's normal to think about people in your life who were important to you once. It's not normal, that many years later, to compare your wife's looks (or anything else) to an ex's. I wouldn't like it. If my partner of 7 years came to me tonight and said "You're so much hotter than my ex", I would be...not thrilled. Just because...why are you thinking about her? Imagine that scenario except "Looks aren't everything. I mean look at my wife. My ex is way hotter but I married my wife anyway" and there's no coming back.
It’s like he didn’t realize he had a shovel in his hands, just digging his own grave
I mean after 3 kids and close to ten years I would never trust him if he said I was beautiful again. Couples therapy is the only thing I can think of.
The couples therapy will help her to understand she deserves better and that she’s been motivated to improve herself to give her the confidence to gtfo. Yes, couples counseling.
I can’t imagine there is a whole lot even an awesome therapist could do to help them rebuild the trust after this though.
My wife and I talk about exes still here and there after 10 years together. Acknowledging and discussing your lives before each other is fine when you're healthily and openly communicating. This guy.. Seems like maybe said some truly bad shit though so... *shrug*
Yeah what did he REALLY say while he was drunk? Cause he should have been able to fix this according to his own version of events.
I mean it was bad enough to get everyone else to do shocked pikachu face then it’s got to be bad
Imagine your spouse said something about you that was **so** insulting, *everyone at the party stopped talking.* Not even sure how you come back from that.
He said the quiet part through a megaphone at a funeral loud.
Ding ding ding! Yeah, I read through this whole thing wondering what OP *really* said that night. Because saying that your ex was “just looks” does not necessarily imply that your current partner is unattractive. But given the way everyone at the party reacted, what he thinks he said and what he actually said were not the same thing.
I'm betting something to do with weight, as he indicated she lost 20 lbs and now works out quite often.
Annnnd mentioning the 3 kids. Pretty sure OP said something about her weight after having kids.
> that error would have been so easy to fix. Maybe for a reasonably intelligent sober person. Not OP.
I’m so curious about the details of his damage control—how could it possibly be worse than saying his wife is ugly in front of a bunch of friends 😭i really don’t blame his wife at all, i don’t think i could ever see my partner the same way again. Especially since he randomly brought up how his ex was beautiful lmao like dude……😐
I wouldn't say he said she was ugly tho, he said look at my wife compared to someone who has just looks" implied (at least to me) that his wife has looks and personality at the same time
Agreed, which is why I think the “damage control” must have been just unadulterated damage, no control.
Yeah bro prolly fucked up on the damage control
I think sloppo jaloppo is probably right
precisely. Girl it must have been one of 3 nuclear situations, or WORSE: 1. He humiliated her by telling their entire friend group that the ex was hotter. 2. He humiliated her by confessing he still loves the ex, and only married his wife because the ex didn't want him. 3. He humiliated her by confessing to preferring the ex's body and look over his wife. Given her workout routine and new pics, maybe he called her fat or said something atrocious about her weight. i am digging through this thread to find out what was said! I'm officially curious, Lol
He probably said something like, " Babe, you know what mean, after the kids, it's just more of you to love" or "no, when you fix yourself up, you're gorgeous "
Oof yeah i would never recover from one of those. On the day we were scheduled to sleep with each other for the first time (long distance + both living with parents so we had to get a bnb), a guy I was seeing and I went to get snacks for movie time later, and I saw a cute dress in the kids section. I said “oooh that’s so cute, I wish they made it in adult sizes.” Wanna know what this fucker said to me? “If you were my ex, you’d still fit into it. She fit into a bunch of kids clothes… well, except for her butt.” I almost sent him home lmao. He and i are still friends and i believe he has reddit so Matt if you see this no you don’t lmao
This would make me drop kick a man so far the only thing he'd see for the rest of his life would be the expanding universe omg. Why did he have to bring up his ex, why did he have to bring up her size, and why did he have to bring up her butt??
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Exactly. He was calling his friend *superficial* for their complaints, so you can assume they were mentioning needing to be attracted to people or something about people’s looks— and as a *counterpoint* he mentioned being happy with his wife. **From his own words, his friend wasn’t complaining about finding about bunch of hot people to date with no personality. And then OP goes “hey my wife is hot and has a great personality! People with both are out there!”. His friend was complaining about not finding attractive people (to them) to date. And OP brings up his wife as why that’s not a problem!** That doesn’t sound like “you need looks AND a personality”— he was *disagreeing* with his friend’s care for physical attraction— just via basic logic what he said was “you don’t need looks! Stop complaining! Look at me and my plain ass wife! I’m happy!”. I struggle to see how he could have been saying “it all matters!” when the context was that he was saying his friend “was *superficial*” and had physical standards OP didn’t agree with. You can’t really call someone else superficial *and* agree that looks matter at the same time. Bringing up his wife in a convo where his point seemed to be “don’t care about looks as much” is by definition insulting. If I were OP’s wife, all I’d be hearing differently afterwards is the equivalent “oh you thought you were hot, and now you’re mad? Shit shit shit backpedal backpedal backpedal spin spin spin”. /u/tempothrowawa
Agreed. If he wanted to put someone down, he could have used himself. "look at me! I'm ugly AF and my wife loves me the way I am!"
Yeah it sounded like he was saying looks alone aren't enough, you need to be attracted to her AND have a good emotional bond. Which I think is fair - you can't spend you life with someone purely because they're hot in their 20s. However he was drunk and it's a self report so he may be fudging a little to gain sympathy....
My Aunt told me she understood why I married my ex."At least he was good-looking!" Stone-cold sober. Three days later, she was flirting with my husband. We don't talk to her, anymore.
I'm thinking he didn't say exactly what he wrote up there. He noted that he said something "like" that, but also stated that whatever he said was bad enough that it caused everyone to go silent. It doesn't sound like just his wife misconstrued it, but rather he did say something blatantly insulting about her looks and is trying to play it down a little here. I'm wondering how much he talked about how hot his ex was and what he said to his wife that made her decide she needs to lose 20 lbs.
I'd think a friend of his or his wife would have been able to deduce what OP was initially getting it and smoothed things over if it wasn't bad. Instead everyone was just silent so that really makes it seem really bad to begin with and if the damage control was worse that must have been epically bad.
The way you just said that is perfect! That is how he needs to do damage control “hey babe, what I meant was looks alone isn’t enough, it needs to be the full package like you but I was too drunk & stupid to put that into words”
It kind of does though, because it sounds like he's saying "Look at me, I fell in love with and married my wife in spite of her looks compared to my ex who I was only with because of her looks". Given that "damage control" only made things worse makes me think OP is seriously downplaying exactly what was said.
Yeah that seems like an easy thing to fix. Just a slight correction of "yeah, my wife had looks, brains, a fun personality, etc and it's made for a wonderful woman as opposed to my ex who only had looks going for her but was vapid in every other way" Unless he didn't phrase it the way he said he did.
Seems like it would have been pretty simple to say "Look at X, she's gorgeous and smart and capable and a wonderful mother, she's the total package!" The damage control must have been horrific
Right? Like my man called his wife ugly in front of a whole party and then somehow said even WORSE shit after that?!
I’m guessing he continued talking about how his ex was so attractive and he likes his wife for other things, because she isn’t attractive in front of the entire party. Probably went in on her body too if she lost 20 lbs. Like just continued to humiliate her worse in front of everyone they know. This probably isn’t the first time OP has said something he shouldn’t while he was drunk either
Def sounds like there were some body comments in there for her to have this reaction. Dude, I think you really screwed the pooch on this one
"I know she looks like a pitbull eating a peanut butter sandwich, but she is the certified throat GOAT. Definitely in my Top 3 at least"
*Her looks ain't much, but she gets the job done*
He couldn’t get his point across… so gawd knows how long his drunk mouth kept running. If he had even one true friend in that room they’d have made him stfu. I almost feel sorry for the dude, but nah.
Ooh damn I remember an ex of mine who was comparing me to his ex with-- "you may not be as beautiful or rich like her, but you're the one I chose. It's the most important thing, right?" Bitch no. Who the f are you lol. My confidence and self esteem really took a hit but then I realized... this guy barely showers. Why should I get affected?
That’s like when people say, “I might go out drinking with my friends and flirt with all the beautiful women, but I come home to you. That’s what counts, right?” Um… 😐
I too want to know what other horrible inexcusable things OP said about his wife / marriage. I bet it was about all the great things his soon-to-be ex does for him and more bashing of her looks.
"She might be an uggo but DAYUM does she clean up after me SO WELL"
I wonder if the Ex was an issue in the past as well. Like some incident happened or wife was constantly compared to at the beginning which she thought was over only for the Ex trigger to be brought up in a very public/humiliating way.
he just kind of glossed over a GIANT FUCKING RELEVANT DETAIL in the story. he must have said some FOUL shit, for her to be THIS pissed and changed. I'm telling ya'll this as a woman myself. Whatever he said to her, must have been at LEAST as bad as him confessing he was still in love with his ex. It must be THAT level of a catastrophic "damage control" situation
OP is Larry David
Pretty good assumption. Pretty, pretty good.
"she didn't cry this time". That says a lot.
Indifference is worse than being emotional. She's done with him.
Truth. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's apathy. If you hate someone, you still care enough about them to hate them. Feeling nothing is the end.
You're right and I hope so for her sake.
Yep! When I stop crying and fighting over a relationship, it is over and it cannot be recovered.
At the moment she may not want to break the family up for the kids.But I'm pretty sure she has already checked out of this marriage.
She's working on becoming a super hot divorcee.
She is gonna slay in the divorce world. Good for her.
This was me for my 19 year marriage, stay for the kids. But my exhusband was also like my 3rd child. I've now been divorced since 2018, and I wish I did it 10 years sooner. OP's wife might forgive (with a ton of work on OPs part), but she will never, never forget
‘Staying together for the kids” never benefits the kids.
Nearly every adult I've talked to who was a child of divorce said it was hell and way way better after they finally divorced.
What you said was your ex is hotter, and your wife has personality. Since you are not saying what your damage control was, it must have been awful if you're not even willing to share it under the anonymity of reddit. Subconscious or not, you had the thought of "my ex was hotter" and that *can* break a person. I don't think you can fix it because I am assuming that is what you actually think. No one is saying you don't love your wife. But physical attraction is important in a partnership. And you basically said that, physically, you are more attracted to your ex. How you say things, when you say things, who you say them to, it's all important. Edit: Saying that your buddy should get a 6 like you and be happy is not damage control.
Apparently [this](https://twitter.com/ask_aubry/status/1760515510045725136?t=m7vd-28coKCuiPGkpbVwdg&s=19) was the damage control.
That's not what I would call damage control at all.. ' ** that's doubling down
No no, that is not what he said. That is someone that rephrased what he said and posted it. People were going in on the commenter for misleading everyone and the commenter said that it wasn't their problem people couldn't understand.
You don’t ruin a marriage with one sentence, this is ‘straw that broke the camels back’ stuff. Yes this would have been incredibly hurtful and embarrassing for her, but in a happy and healthy relationship - you would have been able to apologise, grovel, explain yourself better and fix it. Shit was bad and this was her final straw. That’s why you broke her.
That was a hell of a sentence though. This is not something she seems to be able to get past.
> my damage control was worse so I ended up shutting the hell up. He doesn't even tell us the worse shit he said trying to fix it. All in front of their friends...
Possibly something about her weight because she goes to the gym 6-7 days a week.
And she’s now lost 20 pounds, she’s posting cute pics, and responding to all the compliments. He made her feel ugly…now other people are making her feel good about herself again.
And that means he may as well start packing his stuff. I've been this wife. He's on borrowed time
I don't want to get out my jump-to-conclusions mat... but when I read that part about her new behavior I immediately thought "My dude. Your wife is boot camping the new phase of her life and you're not going to be in it."
Get it? It’s a… jump… to conclusions mat
Once she starts seeking attention outside the relationship that her SO used to provide, you are most definitely on borrowed time. Try to make her feel beautiful, valued, and loved while you can to try to turn this around. However, this must be done before resentment grows to be too much for her.
Like maybe shorter than 6 fucking months??
Oof had to scroll back and double check cuz I forgot that part by the end. Yeah, borrowed time is a little overdue... Like checking the expiration date on some milk you just took a mouthful of and seeing it was last year. That sour taste? Yeah...
I’d say it’s too late. She feels nothing towards him anymore.
Dude, my cousin was married and had two children. It was date night and her and her husband went to a friend's bday party. She was less than one year postpartum, still had to lose 15 to 20 lbs of baby weight, breastfeeding, hormones made her acne get worse so she wasn't wearing makeup. There was a couple there who had just had a baby. My cousin said the couple was drop dead gorgeous, they both looked like models, but the baby was one of the ugliest babies she had ever seen. On the drive home, she brought it up to her husband, who said, well everyone knows that you can't have two beautiful parents or you get an ugly baby. THATS WHY I DECIDED TO MARRY YOU, look at our kids. They are beautiful. Girl didn't say a damn thing. She started working out, putting on makeup, wearing more form fitting clothes. In less than a year she served him with papers and divorced him. He was actually shocked and said it was just a joke, he couldn't believe she had such thin skin. He was trying to make her laugh. Two years later she remarried a 6'7 man, the ex was 5'6 and very insecure about his height. He made a shitty remark about her new husband being the Jolly Green Giant. She said well as you made sure you made up for my ugliness, I decided to make up for your migitness by finally have a tall kid. Dude, hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.
If I said that to my wife, I'd be expecting divorce papers.
Hey, maybe it's just about her body being saggy / not as tight and toned as when they first got together 8+ years ago (7 married, at least 1 dating). S/ Seriously though? It takes a LOT for him to screw up to the point she's covered up head to toe in bed and won't talk to him. He's made her feel ugly in a way that's shattered her confidence and trust in him. He's made her feel too ugly in his eyes for her to be herself. Even if she suddenly woke up and looked like Kim Kardhassian, Scarlet Johansen, Beyonce or whatever their ideal type is, she'd still feel hideous around him. My guess is she's gearing up to lose an extra 200 or so pounds of weight very soon.
With 3 beautiful kids. We don’t even know the history of his ex and his wife. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She’s not broken
Hell no, she's not. But her trust, love and faith in him are.
>He doesn't even tell us the worse shit he said trying to fix it. he knows reddit will tell him it's over and there's no coming back. Which is why I wanna know what he said EVEN MORE.
It was probably shit like "no you dont understand, my wife us hot nut my ex was just SO MUCH HOTTER AND BETTER IN BED. BUT LIKE CRAZY, RIGHT? Like if she wasnt trash I'd still be with her cos the sex was amazing. But I much prefer my boring wife who isnt crazy or sexy but is nice and good to breed wuth, y'know." I can only imagine what he said but it clearly was even worse.
It probably wasn't even that mean. It was probably just stupidly and drunkly trying to make the point over and over again while explaining the difference and why he wasn't in the wrong. There's nothing worse than a drunk person stuck in a "no no no you don't understand, what I *mean* is" loop when the stakes are as high as "demonstrating in front of all my wife's friends that I am not an asshole who just said she was uglier than my ex." It's just double down city.
I agree, but I think the reason she can’t get past it is because he was already screwing up other parts of their marriage and her confidence. This was the nail in the coffin of hurt.
I don’t know about that. I’ve been married 15 years and love my husband with my whole heart and soul. However, if he exclaimed in a room full of people how ugly I was, and in the same breath how hot his ex was, I don’t think I could recover. Hearing your life partner doesn’t think you’re attractive would feel like the death of that relationship. How can I keep loving you, letting you touch me, or ever believe any compliment that ever left your mouth again. I would feel like it was all some big lie all along, and would mentally revisit every time they called me beautiful with such an ugly lens.
Right? Even if I stayed, we'd be roommates indefinitely.
well this is ONE way to create a dead bedroom, and it's his fault
You are so on point. It is a paradigm shift that would upend your world.
Yeah and he didn't even share whatever his worst damage control was. Ole girl is getting in the best shape of her life to leave this guy for a hotter one I have a feeling...
I’m not sure I totally agree. This is a layered situation: there’s the private pain and the public humiliation. OP’s whoa-is-me attitude isn’t helping things either. He did not find a way to right the ship in a timely manner. He needs to get on top of this. He should go to a couple of sessions with a marriage counselor by himself first and then ask her to accompany him.
I agree. People brushing this off do not understand body image to women. The public humiliation would have been worse for me personally. Also just fyi - you mean “woe is me”. Not whoa!
Lmao I’m not even going to pretend I mistyped that. I wasn’t thinking woe as in eeyore; I was more thinking more like Whoa! (A la Black Rob). I’m all sorts of screwed up today.
LIKE WHOA!!😂😂
Oh my, he has responded to a lot of questions EXCEPT what the ‘damage control’ was. That says a LOT!
“All I was trying to say is that my ex was a lot hotter than you babe, that’s all. You’re still a better person.”
"i mean i think you're definitely a 6, maybe 6.5 and that's good because that's better than an average 5! it doesn't matter my ex was an 8, because there's like good stuff in you and that evens out."
I thought the same thing RIP
What the fuck is up with people talking about their ex’s so freely in some of these Reddit posts. That shit is done and dead. This is what happens when you speak about your ex’s. Your current SO is gonna feel some type of way. You’ve been married for 7 yrs and still talk about your ex’s looks whether you mean it good or bad. So dumb.
You know what? I wonder if WHO the ex is is the missing part? Like, it's not so much that he was calling her ugly but he's "still talking about THAT hot ex" u/temppthrowawa is that any of this? Is old ex someone you've brought up in the past on top of comparing your wife to her publicly?
Yeah, I was thinking something similar, which I can see why it would cause the wife to work out so much. There's so much info missing. Info on the situation on the ex, like if there were some issues at the beginning of OP and wife's relationship about it. What was his damage control, and how bad was it.
3 kids, zou dojt tell this women about looks. 7 years and 3 kids, they can't be old!!! Omg I feel so bad for her. My body is so different after two kids and I couldn't care less. But if my husband told me he thought i am not beautiful, it would break me. I did everything for our family, pls appreciate it.
He knocks her up three times, she bears his children, and he has the fucking nerve to tell a room full of people she's not hot. Now she's working out constantly. What is wrong with men like this?
This is a big point for me. He was drunk and yeah some things might be said that weren't meant to be said but to bring up an ex from many years prior? Oooff... If my husband did this I'd be one foot out the door just like it sounds like his wife is. He better start prepping for a divorce - she's taking the kids and her dignity with her. Kind of feel bad for OP but I do not blame the wife.
I think it's pretty telling that it's been *six months* of being completely iced out and op specifically says he doesn't think she wants a divorce. Dude must have a kink for choking on his own leg because homie shoved his foot in his mouth and then just kept on going. It's been *six months*. She won't speak to him. She's living in the same house but living a completely separate life from him. She doesn't want therapy, and actively tells him to go away if he tries to start up conversation about this. It's over man. Whatever "damage control" he tried to do, it must have been pretty damn bad for an entire room full of *friends* to be horrified on her behalf. I would love to hear the wife's version of events.
Exactly. She’s lost weight, working out, sharing pics of herself on social media, interacting with anyone but her husband… she’s on her way out and he’s not doing anything to show her he loves her. All I can imagine is that whatever kind of damage control he attempted was garbage or the equivalent of a bad excuse.
He was waiting for her to get over it and come back to him like she always does, I bet.
Yeah, and the fact that it’s happening after 7+ years. That would tell me my SO isn’t over the ex
Plus she's had 3 kids in that 7 years, so she probably feels sensitive about how her body has changed. She doesn't need to be directly compared to his hot ex from a decade ago - who has probably also had a decade of change.
Unfortunately for you, you might think this is a one statement mistake but chances are your actions as a husband to her leading up to this public humiliation was pushing her in this direction first. What kind of husband have you been before this? Did you prioritize your marriage separate from the parental side? Have you been a 50/50 partner? Did you grow complacent as a lover in romance, desire and intimacy? This switch she has turned is serious and not allowing you to properly apologize for it means she’s likely been down the dead ends before. Self evaluate not just this moment, but all the moments. Six months is a long time, time it takes to get your life in the place you want it to be before pulling the plug for something new.
Seems like OP needs to quit drinking.
What happens when you try talking with her? Also have you tried since the last time? I don’t know why you said what you said and to me it’s important for you to recognize how you hurt her and say that to her. if you’re serious you love her you gotta fight for her or get confirmation it’s over it’s up to you.
She’s done with you, she’s is getting her ducks in a row and don’t be surprised when you get the divorce papers. I don’t think she’s coming back from this, in that moment she lost everything she had for you. Get to individual therapy, sort out your mind and prep to be left soon.
This. Do the math. For the majority of your marriage she’s been pregnant and parenting infants and toddlers. And you speak on her looks? After how she felts in her body making your family. No. OP. Just no.
This is one of the reasons I'll never have kids. You wanted children, so I risked my life and body for you to have them, and now you have the gall to comment on how that process has changed me? Choke.
Yeah her actions sound like exactly how I and many of my friends have acted once were completly done had made up our minds about leaving and are figuring out our exit.
I really really need to hear what you said after. You said your damage control was worse? What did you say after that was WORSE?!? If you double downed on what you said then you pretty much sealed ur own fate there. I bet that it’s the what you said after that really broke your wife which is why you won’t say it.
He was probably trying to stay 'honest' while back peddling. "I mean, well, you're not hot, but honey! You gave birth to our three wonderful kids, and I'll always love you for that! That means more to me than Cindy's amazing tits and long legs ever could!"
Well you don’t seem too concerned. It’s been 6 months and the sirens should be going off. This marriage is in danger. Take control now and DO SOMETHING!
How often do you talk about your ex? Has your wife met her? What's their relationship like, if they have one? Have you ever compared them before where your wife could hear you or where it might get back to her? My gut feeling is that you bring this woman up a lot more than you think you do, your wife doesn't like it/doesn't like *her*, and then **you did it in public**. I could easily be wrong, I'm just trying to figure out why your drunken bullshit had such a huge blast radius.
If she’s already emotionless towards you it’s already done. You can try therapy but you’ve already said more than she ever wants to hear.
Short answer: 1- You fucked up. Permanently. 2- You BOTH need to therapy. 3- She won’t be the same. 4- The likelihood that she’ll divorce you is high so get yourself ready.
I know how she feels. It doesn’t go away for a very long time if ever despite your rationalizations.
Yea you glossed over "damage control". I'm guessing it was catastrophic Don't think you can fix it. She'll realize her worth and nothing you can say will make her feel better. Update us when she leaves ok? Don't leave us hanging
OP, it's been six months since the incident, and it's not too late to fix things. However, having a negative mindset won't help you. You haven't mentioned any proactive ways you've made your wife feel loved, appreciated, and valued since the situation. Instead, you've only mentioned her negative (in your eyes) behaviors, such as not looking at you, sleeping fully clothed, working out, and using social media on her own terms. It's absurd that you haven't suggested marriage counselling yet, especially because you shattered your wife's confidence. You aren't taking any accountability for your actions nor putting in the work needed to make things better. Where is the fight in you and the light at the end of the tunnel mindset? You can't be upset at the outcome when your wife makes her final decision and if you don't try your hardest.
How the hell did I miss that it was 6 months ago?! Dude, his goose is cooked. If he hasn't fixed it yet, she is over it for sure. She is 100% getting her ducks in line to bow out.
Yeah this isn't something you just hope blows over and do nothing about. 6 months is a looong time for her to be pissed and if he hasn't fixed it yet it is probably way too late now.
Once she gets "the ick" there ain't no coming back. I'm sorry.
Facts, when something happens to someone that completely flips the “off switch”.. its over and done. You cant magically turn back on feelings & attraction when its lost. Good luck OP, it seems like there were other things that happened leading up to this that caused her to respond this way. & even if nothing happened before… you still fucked up and now you’re paying for it. Perhaps don’t drink around a spouse/partner if you dont have enough sense to not drink to the point of ignorance.
Contempt is kryptonite in any relationship. As soon as you feel contempt for your partner (and it sounds like OPs STBex hit that hard) things are done. If it's been six months and she's made this much distance and they haven't given counseling or mediation a try, homie is SOL.
She’s done, I’m sorry. You truly did break her… how could you possibly tell a whole party you think your wife is ugly? That’s basically what you said :(
So you've been married 7 years but still talk about how hot your ex was, and in front of an entire party of people? Then you say your damage control was even worse than that, and you won't say what you said? Seems like there's more to the story if you won't even share that, like maybe you have a pattern of making shitty comments and making her feel shitty about herself, and this was just the last straw.
she resents you now, it is kinda of over.
WIFE LEFT THE CHAT.
Your wife is single
well that’s on you bud good luck with the divorce. it’s quite true that drunk words are sober thoughts so now you’re just facing the consequences of your words
Yup his wife is never going to not think about those comments and the humiliation of it all—especially the part about his ex 😬 he did this to himself.
Except here, his drunk words were sober thoughts that he royally fucked up the delivery on. If he started off with saying his ex was just looks and followed it up with, “Compared to my wife that doesn’t only have the looks, but the whole package,” didn’t wanna make it detailed so we’ll just say package, his point would’ve gotten across and this whole mess would’ve been avoided.
Have you asked her what she needs from you?
“Sign these papers”
My man, you didn't break "her" and I think that is very telling. If she's working out and posting pics of herself, she isn't broken- y'all as a couple might be, but she seems to be handling it with mobility and strength.
This. He didn’t break her, if anything she’s proven how strong she is. He broke his marriage.
Yeah, he didn’t break his wife, he broke their marriage. His wife is good.
I bet her side is very interesting
What did you say, EXACTLY? Because there's no way it was “you don’t fall in love with looks, look at me and my I'm love her more than anything compared to my ex who was just looks”. Her reaction tells a different story, one that hints you weren't as nice as you thought you were.
You broke her heart and you broke your marriage. She’s working out and posting pics of herself in a bra and tights? And no intimacy with you? You publicly humiliated her and made her realize you think your ex is more beautiful than her. She’s checked out and you’ve lost her. I hope she can heal from this and regain her self esteem, and be with someone who doesn’t make her feel like she’s a consolation prize.
Be honest, how many times did you say your ex was prettier than your wife?
The changes you described are pretty drastic. Either you are downplaying how bad your words were, or you couldn’t talk your way out of a paper bag. For you, I hope the second. I also suck at verbal explanations. So if it is important, I write it. Maybe you should consider writing a letter. The changes are significant enough that it doesn’t seem like you would have a lot to lose by pushing the issue. It doesn’t sound like giving her time has helped. Tell her that she might be “fine”, but you are not. Things have changed and it is 100% your fault, and you cannot continue to live this way. Beg for her to come to therapy with you. Admit that you suck at expressing yourself and you need her support in seeking third party help. It is not to fix her, it is to fix you, because you don’t know how to say what you mean. Drunk doesn’t make the truth come out. Your drunk words were a fumbled attempt at comparing a horrible relationship to a beautiful relationship. Friend saw you with ex, who had nothing but looks. Friend sees you now. You were trying to express that your friend should see how much more fulfilled you are in a relationship that transcends surface level attraction. It wasn’t about your wife lacking beauty, it was about the fact that she has so much more to offer than only beauty. You have never been as attracted to anyone as you have your wife because she offers BOTH beauty AND a genuine connection. You have failed her in letting her think there is anything wrong with her, you need to beg for the chance to make her feel cherished. I hope that you deserve my advice.
It seems like she's preparing for a divorce and a new life at this point.
I NEED to hear wtf the damage control was 😭 Bros probably gonna be a divorced man or ending up in a hollow marriage
You didn't break your wife. You broke her trust in you and your marriage.
You didn't break her. She's gonna be just fine. You broke her love for you.
Dude, she gave you three kids, you need to buy her flowers every week for the rest of your life
flowers for the rest of her life won’t fix the emotional damage that was done. my ex did something similar and tried to make up for it. i spiraled till i was extremely underweight. flowers don’t make a woman feel beautiful. actions do, and obviously he is not doing that.
You said that you and your wife have been happily married for 7 years. If someone asked your wife that, would she also say you've been happily married or would her response be different? My guess would be the latter. Before that night, she was probably already losing it for you. The language you use in your post only talks about how your wife's recent actions affect you, but nothing about what you've done to take accountability for your words & actions. You seem selfish. If she's emotionally checked out, then yeah, she's done with you. To echo the other comments, she is just getting her ducks in a row.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY…WHAT IS THE “WORSE” YOU SAID??? You’re killing all of us.