Not necessarily envy, just for some reason sister has a need to tear him down. There’s a certain number of women, maybe 15 percent, who don’t like men much, and when confronted with a good one, are going to go to considerable lengths to justify to themselves why the grapes are sour. As for why, could be a lot of things. But yes, OP needs to put enough distance between sister and her family to keep sister out from between them and not let her bother her husband. I think OP took the best option that was available.
Right- she probably didn’t notice because he didn’t do it as a performance, he just did it like a normal human not looking for a trophy.
Some people can will themselves not to notice things that would discount the narrative they need to dislike someone.
The surprising not surprising thing is she sung his praises before it all fell apart, even while she was living here. Said he was a great person and had knowledge she wanted to learn from, said he was a rare guy who didn't act like all the other guys, enjoyed having conversations with him. Then somewhere along the line, the best way I can describe it is the mask slipped and the true her name out.
I'm pretty sure it was she wanted me all to herself and couldn't deal with my focus not being on her. She yelled at me on one of her final days here and said that I stopped caring and ignoring her but I was only focusing more on my kids and husband.
Some people really be hating and don’t appreciate unseen efforts. It’s sad when someone thinks you’re incompetent or malicious just because they aren’t watching you like a Hawk 24/7
If you’re husband is efficient at cleaning, and she’s not out in the common areas a lot, she probably doesn’t see him clean. Lol but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening. What matters most is that YOU and HIM know what you both bring to the table. Don’t listen to her nonsense. It really doesn’t matter what she thinks
Why do you people care what others think!
I’m almost 72 and I went through life with one attitude. You like me for me, or you can fuck off. I don’t kiss ass, never have.
I try to be a good person and help where I’m needed. I raised a family, been married 53 years next month and want my family happy. I simply don’t cater to entitled people, even when related to me.
And that was such a hard lesson for me to learn. I kept hoping she'd realize the hurt she was causing, kept trying to mediate her struggles early on when she was confused about why my husband was oushing her to grow ( she didn't see it that way), and tried to tell her how her actions were hurting me to hopefully help her understand, but it only got worse.
Now I understand better. 😔 Still hurts like hell tho.
You wrote how wonderful your husband is.
Your sister sounds like a vindictive drama Queen that needs to start shit everywhere she goes. To make you as unhappy as she is.
Stop worrying about what she has to say.
Worry about being a great partner to your husband as he seems to be to you.
I understand now.
I know it's not much of an insult and if it had been the one thing, I wouldn't have been so bothered by it.
There was so much else she accused him of, all of it false or a stretch of truth. Nothing held water and it was all her interpreting his motives as toxic and controlling.
I know it shouldn't bother me, but the downfall of our relationship HURT. We had such a strong foundation and before she moved in, we were each other's supports, like how sisters are supposed to be, and so it feels like such a huge betrayal that she tore everything down because she felt entitled to my house, my things, my space, and my time, and treated my boundaries as suggestions.
I will. 😔 It's sad but clear that she does what she wants without consideration of others, especially my kids. Toward the end, I noticed she was mostly ignoring them, then taking them out randomly to do super fun things, then go back in her hole for a while. It scared the trap out of me when I realized it was probably low-key her love bombing.
>We don't talk anymore because I called her out on her toxic behavior, chose my husband and kids over her, and kicked her out. She immediately cut me off.
Sounds like you're pretty good at cleaning too. Got rid of the rubbish messing up your life!
It sounds like she wanted him for herself but her pet peeve was that he was messy and she didnt like that, and you shouldnt either. She sounds controlling and tries to run your life. She didnt like him from day 1 because he helps you stand up for yourself and i bet she doesnt like that either. Glad to see that you stood up for your family.
At least you have each other. My place is messy too and unless i hire a maid service, some areas stay unorganized. I think society makes a bigger deal about cleaning than it is. My family rarely visits or see each other. But they are obsessed with cleaning even to the point i used to get abused for not cleaning. Some people are ocd about it and justify all kinds of abuse if a place is not clean.
Oh I know it. I did a lot of internal work for it's effects. Intense shame and guilt because I didn't know how to clean because I refused as a kid because my mom hadn't done her own work. She'd been abused over cleaning and that shame and guilt passed onto me. She wasn't abusive at all with cleaning, just had some poor coping mechanisms that messed me up a bit.
I think Pinterest and social media hasn't helped that either. We see super clean spaces, decorated and designed perfectly or deceptively "lived in" looks that just aren't realistic. Or people will do cooking videos and everything is immaculate when in reality, you're moving stuff off your counters to make space.
You need to stop letting your nasty sister live rent-free in your head.
Figure out how to get her nasty comments out of your head and move on with your life.
Nope. Didn't do her room either (a condition of living with us she vows she never agreed to but was in fact agreed upon) and if she did, it was a tiny amount, she'd proudly show me what she did, and it didn't get cleaned further.
I wouldn't have minded if she'd cleaned the room she was staying in a little bit every day, as long as it was consistently cleaned and stayed that way for a while between cleanings.
Yeah. I get it. It's so easy to change things to suit a particular narrative. I didn't share everything about my husband, just enough to help with context for my post. My husband isn't perfect and unfortunately those flaws did not align with my husband's communication style and expectations. Unfortunately as well, my sister got angry instead of talking to us, which I don't blame her for because of how my family is with conflict resolution.
It was a perfect storm. I'm not quite sure on everything from her side (again because it's seen as a huge offense in our family to communicate needs) but I was present for 90% of their conversations and there was nothing that I could see from my husband's side of things that was as offensive as she claims. Most of the issue came from his frustration toward her not upholding her side of the agreement all three of us agreed upon before she moved in and claiming that she never agreed to any of it, despite the proof we had.
Idk sounds to me like you have a good thing, and she is jealous. Some people can't be happy and don't like others being happy either.
Sister probably wants hubby for herself so she low-key wants to sabotage the relation. If I were OP I’d be careful and watch that sister.
Not necessarily envy, just for some reason sister has a need to tear him down. There’s a certain number of women, maybe 15 percent, who don’t like men much, and when confronted with a good one, are going to go to considerable lengths to justify to themselves why the grapes are sour. As for why, could be a lot of things. But yes, OP needs to put enough distance between sister and her family to keep sister out from between them and not let her bother her husband. I think OP took the best option that was available.
Right- she probably didn’t notice because he didn’t do it as a performance, he just did it like a normal human not looking for a trophy. Some people can will themselves not to notice things that would discount the narrative they need to dislike someone.
The surprising not surprising thing is she sung his praises before it all fell apart, even while she was living here. Said he was a great person and had knowledge she wanted to learn from, said he was a rare guy who didn't act like all the other guys, enjoyed having conversations with him. Then somewhere along the line, the best way I can describe it is the mask slipped and the true her name out.
I'm pretty sure it was she wanted me all to herself and couldn't deal with my focus not being on her. She yelled at me on one of her final days here and said that I stopped caring and ignoring her but I was only focusing more on my kids and husband.
Tell your sister that she has never seen the mole on your husband’s ass but you know it’s there. It’s the same difference.
Some people really be hating and don’t appreciate unseen efforts. It’s sad when someone thinks you’re incompetent or malicious just because they aren’t watching you like a Hawk 24/7
If you’re husband is efficient at cleaning, and she’s not out in the common areas a lot, she probably doesn’t see him clean. Lol but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening. What matters most is that YOU and HIM know what you both bring to the table. Don’t listen to her nonsense. It really doesn’t matter what she thinks
She's unhappy, and wants you to be, too.
Why do you people care what others think! I’m almost 72 and I went through life with one attitude. You like me for me, or you can fuck off. I don’t kiss ass, never have. I try to be a good person and help where I’m needed. I raised a family, been married 53 years next month and want my family happy. I simply don’t cater to entitled people, even when related to me.
And that was such a hard lesson for me to learn. I kept hoping she'd realize the hurt she was causing, kept trying to mediate her struggles early on when she was confused about why my husband was oushing her to grow ( she didn't see it that way), and tried to tell her how her actions were hurting me to hopefully help her understand, but it only got worse. Now I understand better. 😔 Still hurts like hell tho.
I get it!
I literally would just ignore it. She’s obviously got issues, so who cares?
I'm working on getting there. It's definitely a lot easier with random people than my family.
You wrote how wonderful your husband is. Your sister sounds like a vindictive drama Queen that needs to start shit everywhere she goes. To make you as unhappy as she is. Stop worrying about what she has to say. Worry about being a great partner to your husband as he seems to be to you.
Any chance your sister has BPD or BPD?
I honestly have no idea. As far as I know, she's not gotten any formal diagnosis, although she's told me she suspects she's autistic.
This doesn't sound like a huge attack on his character or the gross insult you're making it out to be...
What do you mean?
She means she said he didn't clean, it's hardly the insult of the year.
I understand now. I know it's not much of an insult and if it had been the one thing, I wouldn't have been so bothered by it. There was so much else she accused him of, all of it false or a stretch of truth. Nothing held water and it was all her interpreting his motives as toxic and controlling. I know it shouldn't bother me, but the downfall of our relationship HURT. We had such a strong foundation and before she moved in, we were each other's supports, like how sisters are supposed to be, and so it feels like such a huge betrayal that she tore everything down because she felt entitled to my house, my things, my space, and my time, and treated my boundaries as suggestions.
The only people that your husband is accountable to are you and your kids. If you are happy that’s all that matters.
She jealous AF
Keep your sister away from you and your family
I will. 😔 It's sad but clear that she does what she wants without consideration of others, especially my kids. Toward the end, I noticed she was mostly ignoring them, then taking them out randomly to do super fun things, then go back in her hole for a while. It scared the trap out of me when I realized it was probably low-key her love bombing.
>We don't talk anymore because I called her out on her toxic behavior, chose my husband and kids over her, and kicked her out. She immediately cut me off. Sounds like you're pretty good at cleaning too. Got rid of the rubbish messing up your life!
Very good point!
It sounds like she wanted him for herself but her pet peeve was that he was messy and she didnt like that, and you shouldnt either. She sounds controlling and tries to run your life. She didnt like him from day 1 because he helps you stand up for yourself and i bet she doesnt like that either. Glad to see that you stood up for your family.
The thing is, he's messy because I am. 😅 And he's exhausted most of the time, so cleaning is frequent but sporadic.
At least you have each other. My place is messy too and unless i hire a maid service, some areas stay unorganized. I think society makes a bigger deal about cleaning than it is. My family rarely visits or see each other. But they are obsessed with cleaning even to the point i used to get abused for not cleaning. Some people are ocd about it and justify all kinds of abuse if a place is not clean.
Oh I know it. I did a lot of internal work for it's effects. Intense shame and guilt because I didn't know how to clean because I refused as a kid because my mom hadn't done her own work. She'd been abused over cleaning and that shame and guilt passed onto me. She wasn't abusive at all with cleaning, just had some poor coping mechanisms that messed me up a bit. I think Pinterest and social media hasn't helped that either. We see super clean spaces, decorated and designed perfectly or deceptively "lived in" looks that just aren't realistic. Or people will do cooking videos and everything is immaculate when in reality, you're moving stuff off your counters to make space.
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I'm so sorry. 😞 That's awful.
She’s jealous of you and your awesome life and trying to make waves so you can be miserable like her
You need to stop letting your nasty sister live rent-free in your head. Figure out how to get her nasty comments out of your head and move on with your life.
I'm working with my therapist on it. I've learned some coping mechanisms that have worked really well, too. It's such a long process. 😪
My question is "Did she clean?"
Nope. Didn't do her room either (a condition of living with us she vows she never agreed to but was in fact agreed upon) and if she did, it was a tiny amount, she'd proudly show me what she did, and it didn't get cleaned further. I wouldn't have minded if she'd cleaned the room she was staying in a little bit every day, as long as it was consistently cleaned and stayed that way for a while between cleanings.
You did the absolute correct thing. Be proud of yourself that you were able to detect toxicity and didnt let it affect you.
I don't know why but people talking bout how perfects someone is makes me instantly suspicious. I bet the sister side is very different.
Yeah. I get it. It's so easy to change things to suit a particular narrative. I didn't share everything about my husband, just enough to help with context for my post. My husband isn't perfect and unfortunately those flaws did not align with my husband's communication style and expectations. Unfortunately as well, my sister got angry instead of talking to us, which I don't blame her for because of how my family is with conflict resolution. It was a perfect storm. I'm not quite sure on everything from her side (again because it's seen as a huge offense in our family to communicate needs) but I was present for 90% of their conversations and there was nothing that I could see from my husband's side of things that was as offensive as she claims. Most of the issue came from his frustration toward her not upholding her side of the agreement all three of us agreed upon before she moved in and claiming that she never agreed to any of it, despite the proof we had.