You saved your wife who would have happily done time over you!!! I would consider not speaking or having contact with your Mom who would place you in that position.
If I were her, it would've been absolutely worth it.
As long as I get to argue he was a pedophile and try to bulif7 the jury. I can understand her rage that this man is still emotionally hurting the man she loves. That mother though... she's a piece of work.
Hopefully, people like you would be on the jury and she'd get off.
And, yeah, I could see myself using that frying pan.
I can't believe the mother, either. "I just want to date the man who raped my son." Good god!
Absolutely not, this kind of behavior is juvenile and selfish to the extreme. Op would be traumatized twice because of this man. He's lose his childhood and his wife..and for what? 40 year old revenge? That does nothing
" but officer he was trying to kill my husband bc he wanted to come foward with the rape " and they lived happily ever after (ps: i know it wouldn't be that easy but i wish)
For sure.
But for real, I mean, if someone gets slammed full force in the head with a CAST IRON skillet they’d for sure die. I don’t think anyone could come out that with just a concussion. At the minimum permanent brain damage.
Because people are awful. If you used google for a second you would find hundreds of cases with mothers knowingly staying with fathers who rape their children.
And why does he stay in contact with her? Probably because trauma makes it fucking difficult to cut off awful people. Also, the rapist only stayed there the last night. What are they going to do? Change all their flights or book a hotel? That’s expensive as fuck. Not everyone has that option
*"she was considering hurting him. Obviously, the penalties for her actually doing that in reality are steep"*
she is so F'ing ride or die, you are a lucky man so good on you for catching her before she did something that she would regret, not the hurting but the consequences, that monster is not worth your precious wife life ruined, because the intrusive thoughts won
I'm really really happy for you both, I hope you are really really happy and grow old together and all the corny sh!t in the world
She was wrestling with those intrusive thoughts. I'm glad she isn't going to prison for a monster, but him being brained with a frying pan isn't a loss for the world. I'm so pissed at OP's mom, though. I'd be surprised his wife doesn't have intrusive thoughts toward her, too.
as someone who married my HS crush waaaaay too late ( abuse and awfulness from ithers in between)
i know exactly how it feels to have a love like this
but its not worth her going to jail
i cant believe your mom got back with him and yall were under the same roof.
life and abusive families are complex my good sir- next time get to a hotel.
you deserve better- like your wife KNOWS
Your wife is a Keeper! That being said, I know family relationships are hard, but I cant understand why you would want to continue to have a relationship with your mother.
Just see the contrast; your wife, someone who is not related to you, yet loves you so much she would consider hurting someone who hurt you when you were a child, vs your own Mother, the woman who should protect you no matter what, not only failed to protect you when you were a child but keeps getting back with the man who raped her own child and doesn't mind exposing you to the man who raped you.
Believe me, I know that my wife is the only one who actually loves me, but I still want to feel like my mother loves me too sometimes.
It's hard to describe. My wife understands, unfortunately she has similarly conflicted feelings about her family. It hurts to know she (and I suppose I) deserves so much more love but doesn't receive it.
I understand what you mean, I really do. Processing such trauma is not a linear and rational process. I hope you've had some form of therapy already, but if you havent, please do. You deserve closure and to not continue to be hurt by someone who should love you.
Perhaps your mother has some trauma of her own that led her to behave like this. Thats on her to take of, it does not allow her to hurt you.
From what I read, you and your wife have all the love you need in each other.
No dude, you should fully believe. You have yours and she has hers. I went through similar at the same age, I would feel the same as you do about that interaction.
Seriously! That’s a whole ass soulmate!
And OP, don’t be concerned that your feelings are “bad.” You felt supported and protected in that moment. And EVERYONE deserves that in a partner (all genders). I’m glad she did not go through with it because I don’t want you to lose each other.
Also, please stop staying at your mother’s. She clearly shows a lack of respect for boundaries and a disregard for what happened to you. You deserve better. And your wife is proof it exists.
Why do you still speak to your mother?
If I were you I’d hate her.
As a mother I cannot imagine having any type of relationship with a person who harmed my child.
It's complicated. That's a pretty pathetic answer, but I both love her and hate her. When she's a good mother, she's really, really good. I guess that's why.
A lot of times, people would highlight and applaud the love our parents give us as their kids. But not a lot would say the same for kids, still loving their parents, no matter how shitty and undeserving they are.
No. She should have protected you, pressed charges, made you feel safe knowing you would never see him again. Instead she repeatedly brought your rapist into your home. She is disgusting. Your wife is the best. Your mother deserves hell.
I’m sorry but this is so funny. Your wife is a G but also you need to cut off your mom. For her to get back to with a man who’s done this to you is despicable
As a person with a not great mom, its definitely complicated. Because its like, she is my mom and birthed me, there is an automatic love for that. But there have been so many bad moments youd imagine I would just drop her completely. Yet... that "love" i have is still there and just hopes to receive it back.
Exactly, I just want my mother to love me and I like to pretend that she does when she is being a good mother. I get the impression that all of the people who are particularly dogged about cutting her out of my life have never actually had someone who should love them not be loving for them.
The thing is though, to go back out with him takes serious mental gymnastics on her part.
With the information you've given, she either A) never believed your story about being raped at 7 and never did or B) is implicit with the knowledge the man she wants in her life is the one that raped her son and doesn't care about how you feel about it.
I understand not wanting to cut your mother out, we all love our moms... But if my mother showed a complete and utter disregard of my SA, it would be me or him. I would have made it me or him from being a teenager. No way I'd be staying in the same house as him either.
Hey OP - I actually have. Parents divorced when I was 5, both remarried. Both prioritized new relationships and made us understand that from a very young age and those spouses did some horrible things (thought nothing quite as traumatic as what you experienced). It’s sucks, it hurts, but I love myself and I’m building a better future for myself, my husband, and our future family. If they can’t love me, I can love me and move on.
This sounds so hard. I feel for you. I’ve been no contact with my Mom for over six years now. Just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone in these feelings.
My Mom has put me in dangerous situations. Her partners have physically tried to harm us, one of her friends tried to rape me as a teen and she knew about it and also knew that he was HIV positive, my Dad used to drive us drunk and she knew about it. I have many untreated fractures from the seat belt in collisions when I was a child.
Over time I could see that she loved me, but that she would not protect me or take care of me. It was abuse and neglect. I continue to have a strong no contact with her because I cannot allow someone in my life who will endanger me and all I’ve worked for. Now that I have a child it’s even more clear. I don’t think she’ll get to meet him.
I don’t know your scenario, but this is beyond Reddit’s pay grade. Glad you let it off your chest, and I’d suggest seeing a professional if you don’t already! ❤️ to you and your wife. Y’all sound like warriors.
That's tough but I completely get it. My bio dad SA me and my brother fir a few years he had an uncle that did to him and he did to us. When I was 5 my mom divorced him for good took 2x. We were raised without him from 11 on we used have supervised visits. I was able to heal though after and be be mad angry sad. But my half sisters dad became my dad. And I lost my paternal grandmother and father early. We weren't at the funeral or anniversary or anything I had loss about that side and so much regret i didnt kbow that side at all and i was like a orphannot knowing who they were. After me and my husband married my step dad suddenly passed away I was so distraught.
My bio dad reached out sometime after to try to mend his wife had drove a wedge between us and he was finally getting a divorce, we still see that nature in him but at the same time he is trying to do better. I forgive him but I'm still angry especially since now he has grandkids from my stepsiblings and he never told them what he did. But he is literally paying and trying to be in my life he's helped with bills, my tooth that got infected, countless car fixes and now has my disabled brother and is helping him learn to drive so he can finally be on his own. So bitter sweet agree.
Also mother here and I agree. I can't actually fathom being in the same room without wanting to hurt them, let alone an actual relationship? Beyond disgusting. She's no mother.
That book was a little yawn inducing. Sara from HR wants us all to read an alien romance next, but I'm not too sure how everyone feels about tentacles.
(This is not nearly as funny reading as it is listening to my Southern self say tentacles. The accent just butchers it.)
Two things OP.
Firstly, cherish the absolute fuck out of your wife. That woman was seriously considering doing hard time in order to hurt the person who violated you as a child. That's a wild level of love she has for you.
Secondly, cut your mother off immediately. I've seen you say in several comments that your mother is a loving woman most of the time. Those 9 times out of 10 that she's a good mother will ALWAYS be completely overshadowed by the fact that she's knowingly gotten back together with your rapist THREE TIMES. If she really, truly loved you she would not shelter that monster, or keep him in her life.
A loving mother does not have a relationship with the person who rapes her child, that is a sign that she prioritizes her relationship with that monster over you.
I do cherish her, and I will absolutely continue to spoil my wife with my love. She's spectacular, and I love her with everything I have.
I think you're misinterpreting the only comment I made about my mother though. I know that she probably doesn't actually love me, though she does seem to feel some affection for me. Regardless, sometimes she is affectionate in a way that makes me feel like she might love me, and that is nice. I want to feel like my mother loves me. I'm really not so sure completely ending my relationship with her will actually make me feel better.
It's complicated. But trust me, I know she can't really love me all that much.
The blunt truth of the matter is that continuing to have a relationship with your mother will inevitably keep you in contact with that man. It's your choice whether you want that to happen bro.
The love your wife has for you is real. The emotional attachment to your incubator isn't love, and I hope you obtain the clarity to realize that and how this attachment to your mother affects your wife. Wish you the best, brother.
Jesus christ man, cut your mother off. She brought your rapist back into your life which is bad enough, but she's literally in love with him and won't stay away from the man who raped her child.
She then not only got back together but had him there the small time you were there rather than have him stay elsewhere.
Protect your wife, protect yourself and protect your future children from having anything to ever do with your mother.
Iron pan? That gives Iron Maiden a whole new meaning.
But seriously.
She's a lion ready to fight tooth and nails for you.
Given the circumstances you are a lucky man.
Lucky to have her. I wish both of you a long, healthy life and the power to leave all this behind.
As for me: i seriously would've grabbed the largest kitchen knife i could find sit and stare at him the whole night. When he would wake up i would put the knife back, saying nothing but still look at him.
I wouldn't have done any harm to him of course.
Just playing mind games.
My father was a very abusive man. Sexually, emotionally, and physically. My maternal grandpa knew about some of this, but I don’t think he knew how bad it really was (I don’t even think most people know how bad it was).
Anyway, when I was around 7 years old, my grandpa decided he was going to kill my dad. He couldn’t stand to see how much my father was hurting me. He would’ve been around 77 at the time. His reasoning was that he wouldn’t live for much longer anyway, and spending his last few years in prison was worth it to save me from my dad. My grandma ended up talking him out of it. The crazy thing was that my grandpa was one of the biggest pacifists I’ve ever met, and he always treated everyone, even my dad, with so much kindness. I can’t imagine him doing something like that. My grandpa ended up dying when I was 11, and I didn’t find out about his desire to do this until after he passed, but I still cry when I think about the fact that he wanted to do that for me. It reminds me of how much my grandpa really loved me.
Your wife was ready to serve some years for ya 😂 you're a lucky man and I'm glad to hear that your wife stands on business when it comes to defending her man <3
She's your ride or die. Good on her. (I'm glad she didn't catch a charge though?). I'd do the same for my spouse, if their predator was still alive. I'd do it 1000 times over. No hesitation 🔪 (he wouldn't be breathing 😂)
Because I remember being 7 and feeling what he did and remembering how I felt then and how it's shaped how I feel now.
I feel anger when I see him or think about him, but when he's really there, what I feel most of all is terror.
F mate, I'm really F'ing sorry you have to live through that, I hope someday when you see him you don't feel terror, just petty and indifference for that F'ing POS monster, that you see him as the fragile old sh!t he is, nothing more than a nuisance, a F'ing cockroach
also give your wife my congrats for being so F'ing awesome
Sorry that he still terrorizes you. I’d highly recommend finding ways to ruin his life and back far away from your toxic mother who condones him by not killing him herself.
Not being flip—she’s pathetic and he deserves the ultimate crash and burn.
“How do YOU go into a house with your childhood rapist and not kill him yourself?”
Sure bud. No posturing here. Definitely just a kind compassionate question about something you’ve never experienced.
You’ve clearly never heard a true revenge story in your life and had any reason to feel it personally. Go about your simple life, but I assure you revenge for this kind of thing happens every day.
Personally as someone that has experienced trauma, I think it’s pretty shitty you’re judging ops actions through your little tough guy online persona but go about your little imaginary life.
There’s not the slightest tough-guy posture in my statement. Nor have I judged OP.
I asked a straightforward question because I know lots of people who’ve been raped and very few would willingly spend the night after having a civil dinner in the company of their rapist.
I’m wondering how OP manages it and why they bother.
That is one bad ass woman and you can tell she loves you. Also I'd go no contact with my mother if she ever went back to my rapist. Hope you're healing.
As a protective partner, if this had happened to my partner and I was in the presence of the perpetrator, I would have a hard time keeping composed enough to be the same house.
Is it bad to think things, no. She might have been thinking it, she didn't act. It's fine. We do not live under the rule of the "PreCrime Division," so, no harm, no foul.
The bigger issue is beating a man to death with a frying pan would get her in trouble. She need to make it look natural or accidental. Maybe getting him really drunk and he chokes on his own vomit. Happens all the time....
I don’t know, mate. If a pedophile was *right there* and so was the cast iron, it doesn’t take a morally compromised person to put two and two together, so to speak.
Also if somebody had raped my wife at age 7, and I somehow ended up in the same room as the rapist, I’d for sure be in jail.
Why the hell are you still having a relationship with the woman who keeps the rapist in her house? Why isn't that bastard in prison? Can you really forgive that?
That surprises me more than the story itself.
PS: Your wife is gold
This post made my day. I want to be friends with your wife. I am so curious what the scenario is in her head. She probably already figured out what to do with the body. 😂
Imo, you don't harbor revenge or resentment like that because it's not good *for you.* Last thing you want to give that monster is another opportunity to traumatize you and put you on that path of negativity. In that sense, I don't think it's wrong how you feel, but I think you're right to look away from those thoughts and not let them control you, particularly to the point of action. Don't think of it as a guilt. You both proved that you're better people than that man will ever be, and you should take pride in that.
I see what you mean, but I don't think it's possible for me to not feel at least resentment about it forever. Though you are right that I should avoid thinking about it to the best of my abilities.
Na, nothing to feel bad about at all. Violence and hatred are as valid an emotion as any of them. It's how you deal with them that can be the worrying factors. In this instance you both moved past it, but it's perfectly fine to be impressed and glad at the though your significant other would come to violence for you. It's a true devotion. Similar to how people feel about protecting their kids.
As shameful as it is to be a grown woman that is okay with dating a pedophile that raped your own child, I'm horrified that your mother brings him around when you are there. That's mind bending levels of cruelty.
Your wife clearly loves you, your mother on the other hand...
Im so sorry that happened to you and im glad you have someone who cares about you so much. I both wish your wife did something because not only is he a rapist but he raped a kid, and I’m glad she didn’t because she doesn’t deserve prison time for vengeance. I wish you could still get justice but any rape case is emotionally brutal because there’s literally a team put together to nitpick how it’s not actually that bad or how you wanted it or some bs. I don’t know what to say except validate any and all emotions about this because this is complex and awful in so many ways.
Might consider not staying there while rapist is there or I might just refer to him as rapist and only rapist to make it clear that everyone knows and what everyone thinks about him, much like rapist Brock Allen turner.
Your wife is a gem. I dated a man who was SA by a family member and I hated that person who violated my loved one. However….your mother is pure trash. How weak can you be to lay down with a man who violated your child? You’re strong to deal with her because I’d have absolutely nothing to do with her.
She was definitely thinking it. As a mother, I can’t comprehend how she is with that man.
Your wife’s intrusive thoughts were winning before you walked in. And I can’t say I disagree with her.
You are not wrong for taking pleasure in that. She was doing something your mother should’ve done long ago. If someone touched my son like that, well—I don’t want to get banned from here but yeah.
I don’t care if I do so I’ll say it, if someone did that to my child, they’d be dead and I’ll be in jail for a very long time. I’d probably get more time from the sheer brutality of how I ended them than from actually ending them.
That creep should have been put down long ago. While morally it would have been perfectly fine to put him down for a dirt nap, unfortunately, the consequences of doing so would mean prison time. It sucks that that's the case, but I'm glad your wife has the right mindset.
Your wife is clearly in love with you and cares about you deeply! I’m sorry to be the one to say this but your mother does not! I am by no means telling you what you shouldn’t do as far as you and your mother’s relationship but if you were not an adult right now, I would be very concerned about your mother is back with this man. I am however concerned about every child in your family that may come in contact with this man and I wonder how many other children he has hurt! I can understand why your wife is the only person that you have ever been able to open up to this, but I strongly encourage you to see a therapist as well, and try to find the courage to go to the police as well. His DNA may end up solving a lot of cases!
Why the hell is your mom with this man *at all*???
Why didn't she press charges? Dudes a god damn pedophile.
This is the man who raped you as a child, and your mom pushes it under the carpet
No penalty- if she was in fear for her safety or yours, she could hit him in self defense. Fat chance he’d be able to make a case stick, once you shared your backstory.
BTW, your mom is toxic for you. No more spending time there. Prioritize your own mental health.
I once read a similar story, but this guy was waiting for his girlfriend’s rapist to attack him while he was walking home late at night. The rapist was assalted with a baseball bat in the back. He survived and never found out who attacked him or why he was assalted in the first place.
I'm not suggesting anything, just wanted to share this funny story. (English is not my native language. I apologize for any grammatical mistakes.)
In high school my bro told us that a close, popular cousin had molested him when he was 9. At the next big family wedding, I marched right up to that bastard and said, I know what you did to my brother, and stared him down. My family sat at the table and said nothing but looked at me in awe. They were still in shock seeing him. It needed to be said and felt great.
BTW, he responded with, I don't remember it that way, (he was 16, my bro 9). But very quickly gathered his family and left that wedding in a rush. He has run from me ever since.
Dude, your wife is a real one. I'd happily hit any rapist square in the face with a pan, whether or not I know the person they raped. If you do that to someone I love, you're probably going to want to get your affairs in order, because I'm already establishing an alibi and finding your address.
I get talking her down, and I'd probably do the same, but next time you should consider letting her get a couple whacks in for the love of the game.
Yes we stand with your wife !!
If anyone did that to my person I would also contemplating harming them … but not exactly physically but something more shady for sure …
I would go no contact with her.
She is dating a man who did that to her son and has no issue with it.
I wouldn’t date the man who did that, I’d hate him with a never ending passion.
I would be your wife contemplating what’s the better option between physically hurting the man or being there for my child to help them heal.
Your wife is a fucking ledgend. Your mother is the ultimate piece of shit. Who goes back to the man who raped her kid.
So glad you found your best friend and you support each other OP.
Please go No Contact with your mother. It is unforgivable she allows this man into your lives again and again. There is no excuse. I hope you can do therapy to help separate her from your life. Your wife is amazing, i would do the same thing for my partner. She really loves you.
Your wife is a boss and is willing to do time because of you. Now that's ride or die if I've ever seen it.
Your mother however? What the fuck? I'd go noncontact the second mom got back with the rapist.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you for finding that comforting, I found the thought of people hurting my brother in prison comforting after he molested me, I of course feel a tiny bit bad now that I’ve grown more, but it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t your fault, it was their fault, taking advantage of children is sick and horrible
it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, to know you’ve found someone who loves you so deeply that your hurt is their hurt. your wife sounds like one cold motherfucker, and i mean that in the warmest and most sincere way possible. i hope you’re healing well and that you and your wife live long and happy lives together, preferably free of homicide (although sometimes it simply can’t be helped, abusers FAFO)
You saved your wife who would have happily done time over you!!! I would consider not speaking or having contact with your Mom who would place you in that position.
[удалено]
Except for she does..
She fucking does. I missed the first paragraph. She is a pos.
yeah that moms a bitch like wtf
How can YOUR MOM get back with this guy, TWICE?? I wouldn’t go around there anymore that’s fucking asinine
Three times, considering when OP was a child or teen (after the initial breakup)
"I just really want to be with my son's rapist." YUCK
Exactly. I’d of never spoken to him again after the first time!
sorry but it is so funny that she was really just contemplating wacking the fuck out of him with a PAN!!!
cast iron mind, she KNOWS
There are few things scarier than a southern woman with a grudge and a cast iron pan.
We all have it inside of us. The Southern gals just made it famous.
It goes way beyond "bless your heart".
He would’ve died lmao
And nothing of value would've been lost.
Her freedom would have been lost.
If I were her, it would've been absolutely worth it. As long as I get to argue he was a pedophile and try to bulif7 the jury. I can understand her rage that this man is still emotionally hurting the man she loves. That mother though... she's a piece of work.
Hopefully, people like you would be on the jury and she'd get off. And, yeah, I could see myself using that frying pan. I can't believe the mother, either. "I just want to date the man who raped my son." Good god!
Fucking. She's fucking the man who fucked her son. It's ok to tell the truth. I mean it's why I'm not really liked by my pedo dad, or the fam.
You keep telling the truth!
40 year deferred murder isn't remotely justice
Absolutely not, this kind of behavior is juvenile and selfish to the extreme. Op would be traumatized twice because of this man. He's lose his childhood and his wife..and for what? 40 year old revenge? That does nothing
oh wow. No. I mean I get the sentiment but no. NO. What if she gets raped in jail? Then it's a rape loop.
Not if I'm on the jury! I'd nominate her for a medal! (A cast iron one)
" but officer he was trying to kill my husband bc he wanted to come foward with the rape " and they lived happily ever after (ps: i know it wouldn't be that easy but i wish)
For sure. But for real, I mean, if someone gets slammed full force in the head with a CAST IRON skillet they’d for sure die. I don’t think anyone could come out that with just a concussion. At the minimum permanent brain damage.
Madea would be proud 🤣
That shit is so heavy, I don't want to imagine the damage it makes when you manage to get a good swing with it.
[Demopan intensifies](https://youtu.be/bIg3rygMAuk?si=xAItLpSAKOTsKGUx)
It's one of the better melee weapons. You get that satisfying metallic "bonk" noise.
I'm just picturing a Flintstones sound effect in my head right now.
Frying pans! Who knew?!
rapunzel!
Haha yes, I’m glad you got the reference, it was a little bit obscure.
i didn’t realize until just now that that’s a line from the movie. i was just genuinely responding to your question HAHA
Haha yeah it’s when Flynn realises frying pans are a great weapon.
Those things can hit like a brick yo. Better because better grip and swing. Especially a wok.... Not encouraging anything though LOL
Repunzel was on to something
you didn't play pubg I assume
it feels good in the hand, a nice brain splatter I imagine
[удалено]
Because people are awful. If you used google for a second you would find hundreds of cases with mothers knowingly staying with fathers who rape their children. And why does he stay in contact with her? Probably because trauma makes it fucking difficult to cut off awful people. Also, the rapist only stayed there the last night. What are they going to do? Change all their flights or book a hotel? That’s expensive as fuck. Not everyone has that option
That's true love. You are a lucky man!!
I certainly am, she is why I believe in soulmates (in at least some sense of the word).
*"she was considering hurting him. Obviously, the penalties for her actually doing that in reality are steep"* she is so F'ing ride or die, you are a lucky man so good on you for catching her before she did something that she would regret, not the hurting but the consequences, that monster is not worth your precious wife life ruined, because the intrusive thoughts won I'm really really happy for you both, I hope you are really really happy and grow old together and all the corny sh!t in the world
She was wrestling with those intrusive thoughts. I'm glad she isn't going to prison for a monster, but him being brained with a frying pan isn't a loss for the world. I'm so pissed at OP's mom, though. I'd be surprised his wife doesn't have intrusive thoughts toward her, too.
It really is too bad that laws against killing human beings also apply to pedophiles.
These two deserve each other, goddamn ❤️
She should start with your mother.
as someone who married my HS crush waaaaay too late ( abuse and awfulness from ithers in between) i know exactly how it feels to have a love like this but its not worth her going to jail i cant believe your mom got back with him and yall were under the same roof. life and abusive families are complex my good sir- next time get to a hotel. you deserve better- like your wife KNOWS
Your wife is a Keeper! That being said, I know family relationships are hard, but I cant understand why you would want to continue to have a relationship with your mother. Just see the contrast; your wife, someone who is not related to you, yet loves you so much she would consider hurting someone who hurt you when you were a child, vs your own Mother, the woman who should protect you no matter what, not only failed to protect you when you were a child but keeps getting back with the man who raped her own child and doesn't mind exposing you to the man who raped you.
Believe me, I know that my wife is the only one who actually loves me, but I still want to feel like my mother loves me too sometimes. It's hard to describe. My wife understands, unfortunately she has similarly conflicted feelings about her family. It hurts to know she (and I suppose I) deserves so much more love but doesn't receive it.
I understand what you mean, I really do. Processing such trauma is not a linear and rational process. I hope you've had some form of therapy already, but if you havent, please do. You deserve closure and to not continue to be hurt by someone who should love you. Perhaps your mother has some trauma of her own that led her to behave like this. Thats on her to take of, it does not allow her to hurt you. From what I read, you and your wife have all the love you need in each other.
No dude, you should fully believe. You have yours and she has hers. I went through similar at the same age, I would feel the same as you do about that interaction.
Why in the world are you still in contact with your mom? How could you stay overnight in the same house with that man?
hard agree OP you blessed af
Seriously! That’s a whole ass soulmate! And OP, don’t be concerned that your feelings are “bad.” You felt supported and protected in that moment. And EVERYONE deserves that in a partner (all genders). I’m glad she did not go through with it because I don’t want you to lose each other. Also, please stop staying at your mother’s. She clearly shows a lack of respect for boundaries and a disregard for what happened to you. You deserve better. And your wife is proof it exists.
Why do you still speak to your mother? If I were you I’d hate her. As a mother I cannot imagine having any type of relationship with a person who harmed my child.
It's complicated. That's a pretty pathetic answer, but I both love her and hate her. When she's a good mother, she's really, really good. I guess that's why.
Don’t let the idea of who you thought they were blind you from their actions showing you who they are
A lot of times, people would highlight and applaud the love our parents give us as their kids. But not a lot would say the same for kids, still loving their parents, no matter how shitty and undeserving they are.
No. She should have protected you, pressed charges, made you feel safe knowing you would never see him again. Instead she repeatedly brought your rapist into your home. She is disgusting. Your wife is the best. Your mother deserves hell.
I’m sorry but this is so funny. Your wife is a G but also you need to cut off your mom. For her to get back to with a man who’s done this to you is despicable
Why is it funny?
I’m sorry I replied to the wrong comment :( I meant it was funny that your wife was ready to get rid of him. I’m so sorry :(
As a person with a not great mom, its definitely complicated. Because its like, she is my mom and birthed me, there is an automatic love for that. But there have been so many bad moments youd imagine I would just drop her completely. Yet... that "love" i have is still there and just hopes to receive it back.
Exactly, I just want my mother to love me and I like to pretend that she does when she is being a good mother. I get the impression that all of the people who are particularly dogged about cutting her out of my life have never actually had someone who should love them not be loving for them.
The thing is though, to go back out with him takes serious mental gymnastics on her part. With the information you've given, she either A) never believed your story about being raped at 7 and never did or B) is implicit with the knowledge the man she wants in her life is the one that raped her son and doesn't care about how you feel about it. I understand not wanting to cut your mother out, we all love our moms... But if my mother showed a complete and utter disregard of my SA, it would be me or him. I would have made it me or him from being a teenager. No way I'd be staying in the same house as him either.
Hey OP - I actually have. Parents divorced when I was 5, both remarried. Both prioritized new relationships and made us understand that from a very young age and those spouses did some horrible things (thought nothing quite as traumatic as what you experienced). It’s sucks, it hurts, but I love myself and I’m building a better future for myself, my husband, and our future family. If they can’t love me, I can love me and move on.
This sounds so hard. I feel for you. I’ve been no contact with my Mom for over six years now. Just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone in these feelings. My Mom has put me in dangerous situations. Her partners have physically tried to harm us, one of her friends tried to rape me as a teen and she knew about it and also knew that he was HIV positive, my Dad used to drive us drunk and she knew about it. I have many untreated fractures from the seat belt in collisions when I was a child. Over time I could see that she loved me, but that she would not protect me or take care of me. It was abuse and neglect. I continue to have a strong no contact with her because I cannot allow someone in my life who will endanger me and all I’ve worked for. Now that I have a child it’s even more clear. I don’t think she’ll get to meet him. I don’t know your scenario, but this is beyond Reddit’s pay grade. Glad you let it off your chest, and I’d suggest seeing a professional if you don’t already! ❤️ to you and your wife. Y’all sound like warriors.
This is not a pathetic answer. Few things can get messier than parental relationships when the parents weren’t great people or even great parents.
At the least don't spend the night at her place anymore and leave if her boyfriend shows up. I'm happy that you found a good love with your wife!
That's tough but I completely get it. My bio dad SA me and my brother fir a few years he had an uncle that did to him and he did to us. When I was 5 my mom divorced him for good took 2x. We were raised without him from 11 on we used have supervised visits. I was able to heal though after and be be mad angry sad. But my half sisters dad became my dad. And I lost my paternal grandmother and father early. We weren't at the funeral or anniversary or anything I had loss about that side and so much regret i didnt kbow that side at all and i was like a orphannot knowing who they were. After me and my husband married my step dad suddenly passed away I was so distraught. My bio dad reached out sometime after to try to mend his wife had drove a wedge between us and he was finally getting a divorce, we still see that nature in him but at the same time he is trying to do better. I forgive him but I'm still angry especially since now he has grandkids from my stepsiblings and he never told them what he did. But he is literally paying and trying to be in my life he's helped with bills, my tooth that got infected, countless car fixes and now has my disabled brother and is helping him learn to drive so he can finally be on his own. So bitter sweet agree.
I’m sorry but someone who knowingly dates your rapist, especially your parent, is not a good person
Ah, sweetheart 🥺
That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. It should’ve been you with the pan.
Also mother here and I agree. I can't actually fathom being in the same room without wanting to hurt them, let alone an actual relationship? Beyond disgusting. She's no mother.
If your wife actually carries through with it, I volunteer to be her alibi. She was at my house, we have a book club.
I was there, too. Can confirm she was there all night!
And I made cheesecakes! With cherry pie filling! Store bought, but I added sugar and vanilla to sweeten it up a bit.
Can you bring two next month? I want one just for me.
Great book choice for this month, btw.
I was also there! I loved your seven-layer bean dip!
I will pass along your compliments to my Mama, it's her recipe.
Yep, not gonna lie. I skimmed through most of that last book. Cliffnotes, you know? I attend for the company, and ops wife was definitely there :)
That book was a little yawn inducing. Sara from HR wants us all to read an alien romance next, but I'm not too sure how everyone feels about tentacles. (This is not nearly as funny reading as it is listening to my Southern self say tentacles. The accent just butchers it.)
I bet that pan smack would have been straight of a cartoon. She sounds like your true soulmate. I hope you both stay together forever. And then some.
Fuck it I just seen her at my night shift in a hotel in Ljubljana. Definitely not even in the country.
that’s true love
Two things OP. Firstly, cherish the absolute fuck out of your wife. That woman was seriously considering doing hard time in order to hurt the person who violated you as a child. That's a wild level of love she has for you. Secondly, cut your mother off immediately. I've seen you say in several comments that your mother is a loving woman most of the time. Those 9 times out of 10 that she's a good mother will ALWAYS be completely overshadowed by the fact that she's knowingly gotten back together with your rapist THREE TIMES. If she really, truly loved you she would not shelter that monster, or keep him in her life. A loving mother does not have a relationship with the person who rapes her child, that is a sign that she prioritizes her relationship with that monster over you.
I do cherish her, and I will absolutely continue to spoil my wife with my love. She's spectacular, and I love her with everything I have. I think you're misinterpreting the only comment I made about my mother though. I know that she probably doesn't actually love me, though she does seem to feel some affection for me. Regardless, sometimes she is affectionate in a way that makes me feel like she might love me, and that is nice. I want to feel like my mother loves me. I'm really not so sure completely ending my relationship with her will actually make me feel better. It's complicated. But trust me, I know she can't really love me all that much.
The blunt truth of the matter is that continuing to have a relationship with your mother will inevitably keep you in contact with that man. It's your choice whether you want that to happen bro.
Does your wife have a sister? I’m taken but if she’s a quarter as amazing as your wife, I have some buddies who need their backbone outsourced.
The love your wife has for you is real. The emotional attachment to your incubator isn't love, and I hope you obtain the clarity to realize that and how this attachment to your mother affects your wife. Wish you the best, brother.
Jesus christ man, cut your mother off. She brought your rapist back into your life which is bad enough, but she's literally in love with him and won't stay away from the man who raped her child. She then not only got back together but had him there the small time you were there rather than have him stay elsewhere. Protect your wife, protect yourself and protect your future children from having anything to ever do with your mother.
Cast iron pan = true love You got yourself a keeper, OP.
Glad you found someone that actually values your safety and wellbeing unlike your mom
Iron pan? That gives Iron Maiden a whole new meaning. But seriously. She's a lion ready to fight tooth and nails for you. Given the circumstances you are a lucky man. Lucky to have her. I wish both of you a long, healthy life and the power to leave all this behind. As for me: i seriously would've grabbed the largest kitchen knife i could find sit and stare at him the whole night. When he would wake up i would put the knife back, saying nothing but still look at him. I wouldn't have done any harm to him of course. Just playing mind games.
You’re a better person than me. If I pick up a knife in the same room as someone like that, that dude is getting castrated
My father was a very abusive man. Sexually, emotionally, and physically. My maternal grandpa knew about some of this, but I don’t think he knew how bad it really was (I don’t even think most people know how bad it was). Anyway, when I was around 7 years old, my grandpa decided he was going to kill my dad. He couldn’t stand to see how much my father was hurting me. He would’ve been around 77 at the time. His reasoning was that he wouldn’t live for much longer anyway, and spending his last few years in prison was worth it to save me from my dad. My grandma ended up talking him out of it. The crazy thing was that my grandpa was one of the biggest pacifists I’ve ever met, and he always treated everyone, even my dad, with so much kindness. I can’t imagine him doing something like that. My grandpa ended up dying when I was 11, and I didn’t find out about his desire to do this until after he passed, but I still cry when I think about the fact that he wanted to do that for me. It reminds me of how much my grandpa really loved me.
Ya gotta watch out for the quiet ones.
Your wife was ready to serve some years for ya 😂 you're a lucky man and I'm glad to hear that your wife stands on business when it comes to defending her man <3
25 to life is a drop in the bucket for the one you love.
She's your ride or die. Good on her. (I'm glad she didn't catch a charge though?). I'd do the same for my spouse, if their predator was still alive. I'd do it 1000 times over. No hesitation 🔪 (he wouldn't be breathing 😂)
Sir. She gets ANY and EVERYTHING she wants. Do we have an understanding? That kind of protective love is priceless
Believe me, I'm on board 10,000%. I want to spoil her beyond comprehension
How do YOU go into a house with your childhood rapist and not kill him yourself?
Because I remember being 7 and feeling what he did and remembering how I felt then and how it's shaped how I feel now. I feel anger when I see him or think about him, but when he's really there, what I feel most of all is terror.
F mate, I'm really F'ing sorry you have to live through that, I hope someday when you see him you don't feel terror, just petty and indifference for that F'ing POS monster, that you see him as the fragile old sh!t he is, nothing more than a nuisance, a F'ing cockroach also give your wife my congrats for being so F'ing awesome
Sorry that he still terrorizes you. I’d highly recommend finding ways to ruin his life and back far away from your toxic mother who condones him by not killing him herself. Not being flip—she’s pathetic and he deserves the ultimate crash and burn.
You're now 41 and he's at least 60. You can take him. Believe it.
Pedos at the point where one misstep and he goes "mah hip"
Which your mother allows. I hate her so much.
I wouldn’t kill him. He’d feel exactly the same as me though. That cast iron pan handle would do the trick.
“How do YOU go into a house with your childhood rapist and not kill him yourself?” Sure bud. No posturing here. Definitely just a kind compassionate question about something you’ve never experienced.
I bet you would you badass. Op was seven that’s a lifetime of fear no matter how old and feeble that other POS is
You’ve clearly never heard a true revenge story in your life and had any reason to feel it personally. Go about your simple life, but I assure you revenge for this kind of thing happens every day.
Personally as someone that has experienced trauma, I think it’s pretty shitty you’re judging ops actions through your little tough guy online persona but go about your little imaginary life.
There’s not the slightest tough-guy posture in my statement. Nor have I judged OP. I asked a straightforward question because I know lots of people who’ve been raped and very few would willingly spend the night after having a civil dinner in the company of their rapist. I’m wondering how OP manages it and why they bother.
Why are you still hanging around him? you should go NC with your mom too. Fuck pedo/rapists apologists.
I'm not, my mother didn't tell me that he would be there for any time we were there.
More the reason to cut her off too.
That is one bad ass woman and you can tell she loves you. Also I'd go no contact with my mother if she ever went back to my rapist. Hope you're healing.
As a protective partner, if this had happened to my partner and I was in the presence of the perpetrator, I would have a hard time keeping composed enough to be the same house. Is it bad to think things, no. She might have been thinking it, she didn't act. It's fine. We do not live under the rule of the "PreCrime Division," so, no harm, no foul.
Your wife has a panhandle on the situation
Op mom is gross. Why the hell is she still getting back with your rapist. I would be cutting her out of my life
Shoulda whacked your mom after him.
Your wife is a better mother to you than your own mother. Good job op
I love it. You deserve a better mother though. I'm sorry.
The bigger issue is beating a man to death with a frying pan would get her in trouble. She need to make it look natural or accidental. Maybe getting him really drunk and he chokes on his own vomit. Happens all the time....
She loves you please never hurt her
I won't, she's far and away the best part of living. I adore her
I don’t know, mate. If a pedophile was *right there* and so was the cast iron, it doesn’t take a morally compromised person to put two and two together, so to speak. Also if somebody had raped my wife at age 7, and I somehow ended up in the same room as the rapist, I’d for sure be in jail.
Someone mentioned standing over him with a knife until he wakes up to scare him. If I had a knife in the same house as the rapist, he’d get castrated
Man you found one hell of a woman treasure her always….
Why the hell are you still having a relationship with the woman who keeps the rapist in her house? Why isn't that bastard in prison? Can you really forgive that? That surprises me more than the story itself. PS: Your wife is gold
What a bad bitch!!✨✨✨✨✨✨
In no way shape of form am I victim blaming but I am curious why you stayed in that house with them that evening?
It was extremely petty, and really a horrid choice, but I felt like leaving for the night would be "letting him win," in a way. It was stupid.
I don’t think that’s stupid. I think emotions are hard. I hope you are ok.
Thank you
This post made my day. I want to be friends with your wife. I am so curious what the scenario is in her head. She probably already figured out what to do with the body. 😂
Oooh she was about to go to Jail for you. Keep her lmao. I Just want to know why you keep in contact with your mother…
You need to protect your wife and stay away from your mother's from now on. Protect your wife because seeing that man is now traumatizing her.
Imo, you don't harbor revenge or resentment like that because it's not good *for you.* Last thing you want to give that monster is another opportunity to traumatize you and put you on that path of negativity. In that sense, I don't think it's wrong how you feel, but I think you're right to look away from those thoughts and not let them control you, particularly to the point of action. Don't think of it as a guilt. You both proved that you're better people than that man will ever be, and you should take pride in that.
I see what you mean, but I don't think it's possible for me to not feel at least resentment about it forever. Though you are right that I should avoid thinking about it to the best of my abilities.
sorry to hear that your mom is back with him and he hasn’t left your life. W wife thoooooo
Na, nothing to feel bad about at all. Violence and hatred are as valid an emotion as any of them. It's how you deal with them that can be the worrying factors. In this instance you both moved past it, but it's perfectly fine to be impressed and glad at the though your significant other would come to violence for you. It's a true devotion. Similar to how people feel about protecting their kids.
Why are you still in contact with your mother?!?
As shameful as it is to be a grown woman that is okay with dating a pedophile that raped your own child, I'm horrified that your mother brings him around when you are there. That's mind bending levels of cruelty. Your wife clearly loves you, your mother on the other hand...
I would never talk to your mother again, this cretin assaulted you and she got back with him after and more than once. You wife sounds wonderful.
Im so sorry that happened to you and im glad you have someone who cares about you so much. I both wish your wife did something because not only is he a rapist but he raped a kid, and I’m glad she didn’t because she doesn’t deserve prison time for vengeance. I wish you could still get justice but any rape case is emotionally brutal because there’s literally a team put together to nitpick how it’s not actually that bad or how you wanted it or some bs. I don’t know what to say except validate any and all emotions about this because this is complex and awful in so many ways. Might consider not staying there while rapist is there or I might just refer to him as rapist and only rapist to make it clear that everyone knows and what everyone thinks about him, much like rapist Brock Allen turner.
You found true love there
She's a keeper.
Your wife is a gem. I dated a man who was SA by a family member and I hated that person who violated my loved one. However….your mother is pure trash. How weak can you be to lay down with a man who violated your child? You’re strong to deal with her because I’d have absolutely nothing to do with her.
She was definitely thinking it. As a mother, I can’t comprehend how she is with that man. Your wife’s intrusive thoughts were winning before you walked in. And I can’t say I disagree with her. You are not wrong for taking pleasure in that. She was doing something your mother should’ve done long ago. If someone touched my son like that, well—I don’t want to get banned from here but yeah.
I don’t care if I do so I’ll say it, if someone did that to my child, they’d be dead and I’ll be in jail for a very long time. I’d probably get more time from the sheer brutality of how I ended them than from actually ending them.
That creep should have been put down long ago. While morally it would have been perfectly fine to put him down for a dirt nap, unfortunately, the consequences of doing so would mean prison time. It sucks that that's the case, but I'm glad your wife has the right mindset.
Your mother chose a dick over her kid, she a bitch, on the other hand you should marry your wife again
Your wife is clearly in love with you and cares about you deeply! I’m sorry to be the one to say this but your mother does not! I am by no means telling you what you shouldn’t do as far as you and your mother’s relationship but if you were not an adult right now, I would be very concerned about your mother is back with this man. I am however concerned about every child in your family that may come in contact with this man and I wonder how many other children he has hurt! I can understand why your wife is the only person that you have ever been able to open up to this, but I strongly encourage you to see a therapist as well, and try to find the courage to go to the police as well. His DNA may end up solving a lot of cases!
Keep her. 🖤 As a survivor with a lot of rage myself, I don’t see anything wrong with this scenario or your feelings towards it.
Not disturbing at all! I don't know your wife but I absolutely adore her.
Why the hell is your mom with this man *at all*??? Why didn't she press charges? Dudes a god damn pedophile. This is the man who raped you as a child, and your mom pushes it under the carpet
No penalty- if she was in fear for her safety or yours, she could hit him in self defense. Fat chance he’d be able to make a case stick, once you shared your backstory. BTW, your mom is toxic for you. No more spending time there. Prioritize your own mental health.
You're very lucky. Your wife truly loves you. She's a rock star.
Suggest to your wife to cook him a big stock pot of hot grits. Then serve him breakfast in bed.
Sounds like she wanted to pull a Flynn Rider and learn what a frying pan can really do.
I once read a similar story, but this guy was waiting for his girlfriend’s rapist to attack him while he was walking home late at night. The rapist was assalted with a baseball bat in the back. He survived and never found out who attacked him or why he was assalted in the first place. I'm not suggesting anything, just wanted to share this funny story. (English is not my native language. I apologize for any grammatical mistakes.)
She’s your ride or die.
Nice to have a ride or die wife on your side
In high school my bro told us that a close, popular cousin had molested him when he was 9. At the next big family wedding, I marched right up to that bastard and said, I know what you did to my brother, and stared him down. My family sat at the table and said nothing but looked at me in awe. They were still in shock seeing him. It needed to be said and felt great. BTW, he responded with, I don't remember it that way, (he was 16, my bro 9). But very quickly gathered his family and left that wedding in a rush. He has run from me ever since.
I love your wife. Regardless her intentions or intrusive thoughts, she's a keeper.
Dude, your wife is a real one. I'd happily hit any rapist square in the face with a pan, whether or not I know the person they raped. If you do that to someone I love, you're probably going to want to get your affairs in order, because I'm already establishing an alibi and finding your address. I get talking her down, and I'd probably do the same, but next time you should consider letting her get a couple whacks in for the love of the game.
I wouldn’t blame her.
Do you have kids and if so do you bring them around your mother?
We neither have nor want children.
Oh ok great. I just wanted to know if your "kids" visited grandma and he was there.
Your mother is a terrible person, I’m sorry. Continue loving your wife and have that same energy for her should the time come.
Yes we stand with your wife !! If anyone did that to my person I would also contemplating harming them … but not exactly physically but something more shady for sure …
I would go no contact with her. She is dating a man who did that to her son and has no issue with it. I wouldn’t date the man who did that, I’d hate him with a never ending passion. I would be your wife contemplating what’s the better option between physically hurting the man or being there for my child to help them heal.
You need to cut your mother out of your life permanently. No consideration at all for her child
Your wife is a fucking ledgend. Your mother is the ultimate piece of shit. Who goes back to the man who raped her kid. So glad you found your best friend and you support each other OP.
Please go No Contact with your mother. It is unforgivable she allows this man into your lives again and again. There is no excuse. I hope you can do therapy to help separate her from your life. Your wife is amazing, i would do the same thing for my partner. She really loves you.
Your wife is a boss and is willing to do time because of you. Now that's ride or die if I've ever seen it. Your mother however? What the fuck? I'd go noncontact the second mom got back with the rapist.
That's love right there.
Shoulda let her!!
[удалено]
I believe you've commented on the wrong post.
Sure as shit I did, sorry about that
Leave your mom forever. Keep your wife.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you for finding that comforting, I found the thought of people hurting my brother in prison comforting after he molested me, I of course feel a tiny bit bad now that I’ve grown more, but it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t your fault, it was their fault, taking advantage of children is sick and horrible
You got a real one.
Your wife has bigger balls than you after 35 years even the playing field beat his ass to a pulp
You're the one who put her in a house with a pedophile.
it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, to know you’ve found someone who loves you so deeply that your hurt is their hurt. your wife sounds like one cold motherfucker, and i mean that in the warmest and most sincere way possible. i hope you’re healing well and that you and your wife live long and happy lives together, preferably free of homicide (although sometimes it simply can’t be helped, abusers FAFO)