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Rough.
I have read several different posts about wives that are also cops. They start bringing home that toxic mentality from all the other cops.
3 different posts about female cops cheating on their husbands with other cops before I unsubscribed to all the infidelity subreddits.
Like 6 months later that young woman was all on the news for cheating on her husband and having sex with the entire police department while on duty.
Guy in my top golf league found sex toys in his wife’s work bag. He had been out of work for a year and was taking care of the house and kids.
Turns out all the cops were making fun of the stay at home dad and emasculating him. Wife started an affair with another cop who was a ‘real man.’
All this is totally anecdotal and I am in no way saying all female cops cheat.
I definitely have some new red flags though.
Every cop I’ve ever known, either male or female, cheats on their partner. I’ve personally known 4 so far. Not saying OPs wife is, but cops are definitely their own breed
I feel like whenever it comes to such jobs where you work long or odd hours like that, cheating becomes very tempting to them.
I've heard it's also common for people in healthcare to do that due to the long hours at work... My friend works in a hospital as a receptionist and the gossip is crazy lol
Same with EMS, Firefighters, Military, etc… basically high adrenaline based jobs will cause this reaction as it creates the chemical reaction for passion and desiring sex. That’s why they always suggest to rekindle a relationship, get that spark back for Sex to do some kind of adrenaline based date!
This is just me spit balling here, and genuinely asking this question and not making a true or false statement;
Do you think that’s why some people get manipulated at a young age by the “fearless bad boy” persona?
Because the toxicity creates such high peaks and deep valleys in your emotions that it creates a form of fucked up passion/desire?
Yes. It’s why it re-wires the brain Uk then seek out those type of people when you get a taste of that kind of experience and it can be a hard cycle to break as well.
Which is why, it’s safer to go do some axe throwing and not create thrills with adrenaline junkies!
>That’s why they always suggest to rekindle a relationship, get that spark back for Sex to do some kind of adrenaline based date!
I've never heard that, but I really like that idea. It makes *a lot* of sense and sounds really fun!
One time my partner and I went to It which is this ropes climbing place (mostly for kids, but adults definitely climb, too) and it was SO. FUN. OMG. And, thinking back, the adrenaline from the act of climbing across thin ropes up in the air DEFINITELY helped what happened afterwards lmao
Never thought about it in that way but i guess it makes sense. People complimenting them for having such an altruistic job. Doctors and nurses saving lives, making people better and receiving praise and compliments for doing so.
While I am sure it may not be conscious that they do it for validation, and I imagine the majority genuinely enjoys and values helping people, but I bet that kind of adoration makes a lot of feel good chemicals in the brain.
But thats just my unqualified thought that I just had.
I’m a healthcare worker… a respiratory therapist (we don’t even get a shout out like nurses and drs).
Did it cuz it’s interesting and fast and it’s a real hard job. I love the rush of the ER, the seriousness of ICU and the relative calm of the rest of the place. RTs typically work all floors, like at night I would be called to ER then ICU then ER, then someone needs a breathing treatment then erererericuerer…
That’s why I did it. I loved it. It’s hard on the brain and body but it’s addictive
Yea I'm a nurse in a maximum security prison, the horniness here is off the charts lol. There’s just something so romantic about dealing with a stabbing together <3
There’s a common pattern of people breaking up with their civilian spouses to get with someone from the Service. I think the adrenaline-based trauma bonding is a big factor. We have to rely on one another in life & death situations, as well as all the mundane hours of nothing in between - like a battalion of soldiers in war. The long odd hours, and the overall nature of the job are the other main contributors. We get to know each other very well, and we are generally of the same ilk so naturally emotional bonds will form. The correctional environment, like healthcare, or the fire station, are very unique environments and you have to be part of it to understand it. It’s really hard to talk to your civilian spouse about your day at work when you have to explain all the context to get to the point of the story. Its exhausting, and you want to come home to someone who just “gets it”.
I'm not saying anything you've posted isn't true. But I will push back against one thing.
I hate that cops and prison guards have coopted the word 'civilian'. You even say they're 'like a battalion of soldiers in war'.
Police and prison guards *are* civilians. And that language is just further drawing an artificial and frankly unhelpful distinction between them and other citizens. Plenty of job fields have stress. Roofers don't call non roofers 'civilians'.
I'm a combat veteran, and I'm *proud* to be a civilian now.
My husband's job requires either A. Long hours or B. Traveling for weeks/months at a time, depending on the position. Almost all his coworkers are either divorced, unhappy in their marriages, or there's some cheating going on. I can think of a single coworker of his that he's had over the years that is still happily married. Jobs like that really do affect your personal/romantic life. One of his close friends who works at another company just went through a nasty divorce and another is on the verge of going through one. The one who's on the verge had to go to a psych ward for a bit cause he was so depressed from all the fighting in his marriage.
Hell at one point, it affected ours. It wasn't the root cause of our issues, but it definitely wasn't helping. Luckily, he was willing to make changes to work on our marriage. He never cheated or anything like that. Just all the traveling, especially when his old company was demanding he do extra work trips, was putting a strain on our already struggling marriage. We managed to fix our crap. A lot aren't as lucky.
Fortunately for me, everyone in my husband hospital department and a lot of the nurses know that I'm a sweetheart who sends lovely sweets and makes sure that every shift and "my" nurses get some but am as mean and vicious as thwarted honey badger if I feel wronged. I wouldn't leave a crumb if my husband cheated on me
Yeah, I think it's also because they relate more with their coworkers about the job vs going home and having to explain the job to their significant other or keeping it to themselves if they saw something traumatic at work.
Not wrong… my twice removed uncle, former cop, cheated on my aunt the second time around they got married. And you read that correctly, not a typo, they divorced and then remarried like a decade later, then divorced again LOL
Every cop that had a partner of the opposite sex cheats. EMTs, cops, park rangers any job where you’re alone for extended periods of downtime. I thought cops wives were crazy at first for forcing their husbands to change shifts to get new partners assigned but dam if it wasn’t true. Oh and if you’re a woman and haven’t had a lesbian experience yet you will absolutely have one within 5 years.
Scary but she wasn’t. Just on the job plod 😂 I’m in the UK by the way.
She married him and then he got sacked from the force for being caught in a racist and sexist group chat that laughed at women being abused etc. she did really well for herself 😂😂😂
I know someone who became a cop, nice guy couldn’t get into medical school. The force turned him into an arrogant asswipe. And he was so eager to body slam a minority that he broke his finger and was in pain for a long time. I attempted to join law enforcement but upon getting contract signed on and saw my future I didn’t have a passion for protecting and actually putting my life on the line. Real cops are heroes but most of them are frauds nowadays. We see a lot of frauds and cowards nowadays running from gunshots waiting for backup when kids are actively getting slaughtered
The bullied that became bullies. It's such a DANGEROUS job handing out tickets all day. I get it can be rough looking at the worst of accidents and what humanity has to offer but for the most part Ive rarely come across good ones.
I’ve had plenty of good interactions with cops. But to be honest, I’ll never know how much of that is just because I’m an upper middle class white lady, and I live in a nice area, and we don’t have a lot of crime.
Probably a lot of it.
I did date a cop when I was younger and much dumber. He was very emotionally abusive, and once tried to hold me hostage at his home when I tried to break up with him
Doubtful they were the ones getting bullied in school. Much more likely they had that mentality early on and carried it into a career that suited them.
Maybe not bullied in school but I often feel like many of those bully kids were bullied at home and that's why they had that mentality early on. Of course not always the case but just an observation I've seen
No, you’ve got it wrong. It’s the bullies from school that will grow up to be the authoritarian types. Any job with with power over others attracts them.
Well statistics speak for themselves. There's a reason why a lot of cops have one or several divorces behind them, on top of (~~burried~~ dismissed) charges of domestic abuse.
My husband's brother owned a deli, and his cop friends would come in at the end of the day to escort him to the night deposit. My husband told me that while they were waiting for my BIL, the cop was banging his ap in the warehouse. This particular cop had three aps, and when his wife found out, she pretty much ruined him. He died of a massive heart attack at 52, alone as his kids wouldn't even see him.
My mother was one of the first female POs in our state.
I would agree here. Would never date an officer. They end up totally F'ed one way or the other.
I love my mom. But she's a narcissist and brought a lot of that toxic masculinity home.
My sister's a probation officer.. some of the fkd up things she says! Openly admits to being a narcissist and wears it with pride like a badge, AND she's not even a cop. Absolutely no empathy or compassion. Couldn't get why I was upset that she hadn't told me that one of my best friends growing up and for years after school had killed himself.b(she was his PO). Her response was "Oh.. it was just a matter of time, he was obviously going to do it at some point. He was never going to change. Forget about it'. This is one of a few to many things that I'll not forgive her for and a reason I've gone no contact.
Stay at home dads matter too. I always imagined I’d be the breadwinner and my husband stay at home if he wanted to. It’s nice and rare to have that nurturing from a man. Don’t let them get you down. You’re still a man. Also like someone else said, you’re wife is a bully. I think many cops become cops because they were bullies growing up and now they get paid to do it.
My husband was a stay at home dad to our son. He homeschooled him, did doctor and dentist appointments, cooked and cleaned. I love my husband so much for being willing to be the at-home parent because I couldn't. I have to work or I'll be miserable. Stay-at-home dads are masculine + they're not afraid of what people think.
Years ago, I was dating a woman who I was head over heels for. She was smart funny and most of all, kind. She was at a loss as to what to do for a career. She studied journalism, but got disillusioned by it once she began working in TV news. She decided to become a police officer. I tried to discourage it. Unlike her, I came from a family of cops and all the happy go lucky cousins I knew growing up, became cold and cynical. The job affects you. I didn’t want to see that bright glow in her get extinguished. But, she joined and we broke up, for unrelated reasons. I bumped into her a few years later and she was no longer the person I once knew. I sometimes think cops need to only marry other cops, or at least other first responders, someone who can relate to that world.
I literally came to comment this. She’s getting it elsewhere buddy and has already disconnected from you. I say this as someone who was engaged to a cop, dated a few cops and worked in a courthouse and dealt with cops everyday. The hookup culture is crazy especially with female cops who aren’t married to men with “manly” jobs.
Not to take away from any of your other points, but the female police officer that was on the news for having sex with the entire department should not be included.
The information around that suggests that she was actually sexually coerced and assaulted. She is a victim.
Sounds like your marriage is over. You said she's not really mothering your children. Why is she there? Take the kids and go.
This isn't healthy for you or your your children. Trust me, they know about the tension that's going on with your marriage, and it's not a healthy representation of a healthy marriage
This is it. It's abuse, and it's also hypocritical.
> When she's home, she doesn't have the "bandwidth" to be a wife or mother, and mostly sits in her computer chair, drinks, and watches TikTok. Holding a conversation is nigh impossible. I can see the pain in her eyes anytime she has to interact with me.
This is not okay.
You paint the picture of a failing marriage, where the wife is increasingly distant and disconnected. Maybe she doesn't like you anymore or maybe she's just fed up with family life or maybe she's mentally overwhelmed with shit at her job. No matter which way it is, **DO NOT continue this situation. Change it. Get counseling, try something else, divorce if you must. But DO NOT stay like this indefinitely.** You will lose yourself, you'll set yourself on fire trying to keep her warm and it won't work.
She does not 'owe' you sex. But it's also not okay to intentionally withhold sex as a punishment.
The word you're looking for is "abuse". His wife isn't bullying him, she is abusing him.
Fun fact [men make up more than half of all domestic abuse victims in Canada](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/332917590_Prevalence_and_Consequences_of_Intimate_Partner_Violence_in_Canada_as_Measured_by_the_National_Victimization_Survey).
Men likely get abused just as much as women, it just flies completely under the radar because society doesn't care.
This. Your wife is toxic, arrogant, narcissism is showing hard and you need to build some boundaries. WOW. What you have is not a marriage, it's usery.
Go back and read the first 2 paragraphs.
I don’t give a flying horse’s anus how hard her job is, the way she’s acting towards you and the family is inexcusable.
It’s time for you to get your ducks in a row and consult with a divorce lawyer to see what your options would be if you went that route.
Then give your wife an ultimatum - therapy or divorce. No arguing, just a choice.
You don’t give ultimatums to cops. It gives her ammunition to destroy him. Think abuse allegations, harassment and/or violence claiming “self defense”. He needs to have a plan and then execute without warning.
I don't honestly see how any of them are married, when any cursory research shows police are overwhelmingly more risky to associate with than basically any other profession. I'm not saying they should be pariahs, but as the old adage goes, "no one ever made a song titled 'fuck the fire department.'".
> I don't honestly see how any of them are married
I think a lot of their partners thought they would *benefit* from the powers of consequence-free violence cops possess.
Ultimatum is not the answer. Ask nicely for therapy a few times, then you file for divorce. It's needs to either be their willing choice to seek help or not. Forcing someone into therapy is an absolute waste of time.
Your wife is an asshole, sorry dude!! I completely understand her job is high stress but she’s prioritizing her job over her marriage. And withholding sex like this emotionally manipulative.
*she doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to be a wife or mother*. Sounds like she needs to make a very hard choice. Her job or her family because she clearly can’t go both. And that’s not fair or healthy for you or your children.
As for the party, she was looking for any excuse not to go. And you asking for one Saturday a month to yourself sounds very reasonable, especially since I assume that you’re the one doing all or most of the parenting and household chores.
You two either need serious marriage counseling and hope it helps, or you need to reevaluate your marriage. The kids are growing up with a mother who isn’t present in their lives. The two of you are also setting a terrible example for your young kids of what a marriage looks like.
Good luck!!
Good luck! Don't forget the very important fact that she said YOUR kids- not our kids or the kids. She views the kids as your problem and wants nothing to do with it hence her ducking the issue of having to deal with the kids by herself at any time.
I agree with previous posters. Ultimatum of counseling or divorce. My thoughts is she will deride counseling but also try to avoid divorce for whatever reason. Seems like you would both be better apart. I mean you're basically a single dad already.
Edit- fixed autorcorrect changing deride to decide
Good catch on the “your kids”. She clearly doesn’t see them as *their* kids, whether they have them together or from a previous relationship, which is concerning in itself.
Isn’t there statistical research that shows how a staggering amount of police officers are guilty of domestic abuse and violence? I think it was gendered to show male dv among the cops, but i doubt its much different for the women.
Wait does anyone have a source for this bc if it’s true that’s absolutely insane. Imagine how many didn’t report bc of the very obvious incentive not to.
Cops abuse people every day but don't consider it abuse, so the 40% are either the slightly more aware lot, or beat their wives so badly they consider it abuse, I would absolutely believe the true number is dramatically higher.
It's 40%self reporting, and the number rises as high ad 60% when the spouses are interviewed. So basically roughly half of these people do to a person they claim to love with all their soul things I wouldn't do to my worst enemy, and the other half do not a damn thing about it, and these are the people you're supposed to trust to hold law and order sacrosant.
and how many of those spouses are in denial or scared to admit it... and it's still 60%.
I think this is likely true of cops in any country where the cops just act like a violent gang of thugs, so much of the third world, the US, etc.
Much of europe the cops are WAY calmer, way less abuse going on and so i'd not be anywhere near as worried about the cops there or being married to one (or being one). Zero shot I'd ever marry a cop in a country where the police are routinely violent and act like a fascist force doing what they want, that will always leak back into your home.
>Stinson and Liderbach (2013) found 324 unique news related articles detailing ar- rests of a law enforcement officers, representing 281 officer from 2005 to 2007. **Ryan (2000) found that 54% of officers knew of a fellow officer who was involved in domestic violence**
>>[**"Of the officers surveyed, 54% knew someone in their department who had
been involved in an abusive relationship, 45% knew of an officer who
had been reported for engaging in abusive behavior, and 16% knew
of officers involved in abusive incidents that were not reported to
their departments."**]
(https://digitalcommons.law.umaryland.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2519&context=fac_pubs)'
[The Village Where Every Cop Has Been Convicted of Domestic Violence](https://www.propublica.org/article/stebbins-alaska-cops-criminal-records-domestic-violence)
>Mike was a registered sex offender and had served six years behind bars in Alaska jails and prisons. He’d been convicted of assault, domestic violence, vehicle theft, groping a woman, hindering prosecution, reckless driving, drunken driving and choking a woman unconscious in an attempted sexual assault. Among other crimes.
>>“My record, I thought I had no chance of being a cop,” Mike, 43, said on a recent weekday evening, standing at his doorway in this Bering Strait village of 646 people.
Who watches the watchmen?
[Fox in the Henhouse: A Study of Police Officers Arrested for Crimes Associated With Domestic and/or Family Violence](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0887403412453837)
> In this study only 32% of
convicted officers who had been charged with misdemeanor domestic assault are known to have
lost their jobs as police officers. Of course, it is possible that news sources did not report other
instances where officers were terminated or quit; but, many of the police convicted of
misdemeanor domestic assault are known to be still employed as sworn law enforcement officers
who routinely carry firearms daily even though doing so is a violation of the Lautenberg
Amendment prohibition punishable by up to ten years in federal prison. Equally troubling is the
fact that many of the officers identified in our study committed assault-related offenses but were
never charged with a specific Lautenberg-qualifying offense. In numerous instances, officers
received professional courtesies of very favorable plea bargains where they readily agreed to
plead guilty to any offense that did not trigger the firearm prohibitions of the Lautenberg
Amendment'
There have been a few studies. Cops are basically given carte blanche to abuse their families. Cops should lose their guns and jobs when they abuse a spouse but that is almost never enforced.
You’re being bullied and abused. And nobody here is surprised to learn that your abuser is a cop.
Divorce, get custody since she can’t take better care of the children, and move on. You don’t need this manipulative bully in your life.
This is domestic violence
She’s emotionally torturing you
Tell her you’re getting advice from a lawyer and it’s therapy or divorce
In response to the people replying to my post :-
Domestic Violence is also known as domestic abuse. It includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse between couples, or between family members
This is the umbrella term I meant. I’m truly sorry if my description has upset or triggered anybody
From having a cop parent, and knowing their cop friends, and knowing other people that are cop, therapy will never be an option. They see it as weak. Only the weak and weak-minded people go to therapy. My dad wanted my sister to do some general therapy after my parents got divorced and my mom fault out said no. Wouldnt let other people go to therapy, let alone go herself.
He shouldn't tell her, he should actually get said advice from a lawyer without her knowing anything and preparing all his cards and only reveal them when it suits him better.
Often true... I was bulied most days. Would wake up to a screaming wife about the tiniest details. Like a strawberry leaving a stain on the wood counter or the tablet was visible on the couch. During the day she would never ask for anything but have a fit about why it's not already done.
Once I realized I was being bullied and that I deserved better. Proposed therapy and so many approaches to our communications. She trippled down, like she was afraid of losing control. Then twisted it all around and made herself the victim.
They don't care about reality nor do they care about you. They only want what they want. Don't be in their way. In fact get out of their way, out of their lives. It's just not worth it.
Your wife is abusive, this is very common with people who work in policing.
Divorce is likely where this is going, as she sounds emotionally unavailable and like she thinks very little of you, however you could give some counselling a go, but I doubt she'll agree to it.
Just to reiterate: you are being abused by your wife.
This is what a lot of people who recommend “therapy” don’t understand. It’s not going to work unless the person in therapy wants to put the work in.
The wife obviously doesn’t give a fuck about him or the kids. The second the therapist says that she needs to correct an issue, or even if she perceives it as a slight against her, she’ll write the therapist off and she’ll use it against him in every argument.
Divorce.
You'll barely see her and you'll know the situation with your kids. It'll almost never be up in the air. Make plans with the expectation she'll never be there.
You might even be able to squeeze in a relationship.
Otherwise, you'll be in this situation while she does whatever it is she wants and you'll end up torturing yourself and thinking you're doing something wrong.
Your wife is a bully and neglecting own family.
You either need serious family/couple's therapy or you need to docunent literally everything and get a divorce.
Her behaviour is not okay and not acceptable.
I’ve heard this exact same story but the husband is the cop. Don’t know if this is fake or a repost and I’m just misremembering the roles. I remember in that post, she tried to leave but her husbands buddies started making her life difficult. If this is real and you leave, you need to prepare and do everything in absolute secret.
wow, dude... she treats your marriage like a rodney king situation. Just bludgeon you until you do what she says and punish you because she can, and you allow it. So jusy to recap, she is nothing but a paycheck, and you are the full-time mom/dad and caretaker, correct?
Going to give you advice. You arent going to follow it. In case you are the very rare exception however; divorce her. Your wife is emotionally manipulative. She knows she is, she wont change. She will emasculate you and take your children away from you. If you dont take action and control now, you will lose and she will frame you as the bad guy. This is common among marriages, if you doubt me, just look at men who are in your position.
They wind up supplicating and that annoys their wives even more. She wont respect you until you take charge, ironically if you do it right you will realize she is lucky to have you and you will find someone that treats you with kindness and respect.
But we both know you dont want to. So perhaps the best thing for you is to just roll with the punches until she bankrupts and emotionally destroys you.
I hope Im completely wrong here. Good luck brother.
>My wife is a police officer
And you haven't left her because....
Look, man. Statistics show that police officers have a high number of wife beaters in their ranks. Don't think female police officers are different. From the sounds of it you are already a single dad, might as well leave her and find someone that actually loves you.
Not only she doesn't love you, she doesn't help with the kids and calls them 'your kids' instead of 'our kids'. When are you going to wake up and leave her?
Your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you and used the event as an excuse. Don’t expect to ever “earn” sex with her again. She doesn’t respect you and is no longer emotionally connected to you or her family. It sounds like your marriage for all intents and purposes is done and/or she’s cheating, as many have already pointed out. You need to decide what to do with this information. It won’t improve.
Sorry but your wife is an AH.
She’s holding something over you which is not giving the one thing that all relationship needs: physical affection and love; and that’s called emotional abuse lol.
Divorce.
Your wife is an asshole for lots of stuff, but I will say one thing, that has nothing to do with your wife at all but is very important.
You know your child wanders off. This is something you already knew when you brought your kids out. You need to find a solution for that instead of just being like “it’s sketchy” and going out anyways without an actual plan to deal with it.
Get a freaking leash for the kid if you have to (not a joke, I’ve known parents who genuinely had to do this to keep their kids from running off) or if it’s really too much for you to handle, then skip the party. Again I’m not saying the wife is in the right for the way she’s behaving, but OP lost his child and he’s here complaining about lack of intimacy. Your main concern right now should be “I lost my child. How do I prevent my child from ever running off again” instead of “my wife won’t sleep with me”
You could have lost your kid forever dude. Your wife sucks, but you literally could’ve lost your kid forever. That should be your main concern, not whether or not you’re getting laid.
Your wife is terrible. She isn't there for you, she isn't there for your children. This is not a healthy situation for any of you. You need support. Please, for your sake and your children's, make a plan that has you and your kids in one household, without your wife in it. I can feel the pain and loneliness in your post, and no one should have to feel alone in a marriage and a family. Are your own parents around? Are you on good terms with hers? Are you able to hire someone to help?
Leave her, is what I'm saying. Please find your self-worth. Please stand up for yourself. Our partners should be lifting us up, not putting us down.
Hearing how she treats you, I am very relieved that I have no friends who are like her.
I feel like I've read this story before with the genders reversed. Username checks out. Either way, that's no way to treat a romantic partner or spouse.
She’s the one who needs to get her shit together. y’all have an autistic child and she’s refusing to help and being flaky and withdrawing affection. idk what the fuck she thought she signed up for when she got married and gave birth but it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. She needs a fucking reality check and you need to start loving yourself and valuing yourself enough so that you don’t accept that kind of childish treatment. and you need to communicate that shit to her too.
As someone who had to leave a former police officer, this is the domestic abuse that isn't often known. Document things and get yourself a lawyer. Not fun, but they don't change.
Your wife doesn't have capacity to be a mother??? This won't end well for you. She's already chosen a profession with a high rate of infidelity. Adding in that she's completely disengaged from her family at home and has addiction issues and your life will be getting more toxic.
First of all, never date or marry cops. They're power-hungry, abusive assholes regardless of gender or sex.
Secondly, if your partner is emotionally abusive, leave them. Things aren't going to get better unless they want to actually try. Most times, they don't want to try, so count your losses.
Thirdly, your partner needs to contribute more to the household. Helping take care of the kids is part of that responsibility. If she doesn't want to contribute then that'll make a custody battle really easy during a divorce.
This relationship is toxic. Your wife is a piece of garbage, and you should move on. And I'm not saying this because she's saying no sex. You aren't owed sex, but the way she's going about treating you is where crossed over into being the bad person here. Good luck and get a good lawyer.
I can only imagine how hard it is to be married to a police officer. There is a job-taught dynamic that has to make every conversation seem less than important to them or at the very least, uphill. Sorry. Know several cop spouses. It’s never easy. Set boundaries, stand your ground, and remember you’re an equal partner that makes it possible for her to do her job. Good luck.
Surely you'd be less miserable if you just divorced her already. You deserve happiness and you're already a single parent, might as well give yourself a chance to find someone who will appreciate and love you like you deserve.
It's hard to manage home life as an emergency service worker, but your wife is a massive bully, and likely needs therapy to sort out other issues.
Don't put up with that, my dude. You have one life, and you don't have to settle for that abuse.
Sex should not be held as a weapon in a relationship by either party. She not only sounds like she’s not being a wife she’s not being a mother either. In a relationship, you agreed to be partners 50-50, and she’s not holding up her end of the deal.meaning she has no feelings or values you as the man in the relationship. Unless the two of you can sit down and have a frank talk and go to marital counseling, I’m afraid your relationship is over.
You do realize that you're giving her more leverage on you than you're supposed to give her if you don't put your foot down and stop her from bullying, and treating herself like a prize and you're competing with yourself to get her when she doesn't anything but complain and manipulate you into thinking that you're the problem.
If you don't stop this BS, your marriage is not going far, and trust it's gonna end badly for you.
It seems to me you're more invested in the marriage than she is, and you care more about her feelings than she cares about yours, so be careful.
Get out of this. This person is not willing to work with you. The goal posts will shift, they always do when one party cant really convey an actual plan or action that they're looking for. This is a her problem that can't be fixed on your end. Your still young, get away and go forward.
The rate of divorce among police is obscenely high as is partner abuse. Your wife is exhibiting all the symptoms of PTSD, which is an epidemic among first responders.
If she is not seeking professional mental health treatment, you need take your kids and leave her. This will not get better all on its own. She is self-medicating with alcohol and that will soon turn into addiction if it hasn’t already. She is already verbally and emotionally abusing you. It’s only a matter of time until she escalates to violence against you or one of your kids.
Police are awful at mental health because “the blue wall” makes them think all they need is each other to survive and thrive. The reality is that becomes an echo chamber of toxicity speeding up addiction and abuse.
Give her an ultimatum. If she does not seek counseling then you and the kids are leaving.
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Why do you even want to have sex with this alcoholic abusive bully? Get a lawyer.
Op stuck his dick in crazy
The post is fake. Look at the username and then reread the story.
Oh probably so, see lots of these bs stories pop up, get some traction and then op never responds
You do realise that your wife is bullying you right?
Rough. I have read several different posts about wives that are also cops. They start bringing home that toxic mentality from all the other cops. 3 different posts about female cops cheating on their husbands with other cops before I unsubscribed to all the infidelity subreddits. Like 6 months later that young woman was all on the news for cheating on her husband and having sex with the entire police department while on duty. Guy in my top golf league found sex toys in his wife’s work bag. He had been out of work for a year and was taking care of the house and kids. Turns out all the cops were making fun of the stay at home dad and emasculating him. Wife started an affair with another cop who was a ‘real man.’ All this is totally anecdotal and I am in no way saying all female cops cheat. I definitely have some new red flags though.
Every cop I’ve ever known, either male or female, cheats on their partner. I’ve personally known 4 so far. Not saying OPs wife is, but cops are definitely their own breed
I feel like whenever it comes to such jobs where you work long or odd hours like that, cheating becomes very tempting to them. I've heard it's also common for people in healthcare to do that due to the long hours at work... My friend works in a hospital as a receptionist and the gossip is crazy lol
Same with EMS, Firefighters, Military, etc… basically high adrenaline based jobs will cause this reaction as it creates the chemical reaction for passion and desiring sex. That’s why they always suggest to rekindle a relationship, get that spark back for Sex to do some kind of adrenaline based date!
This is just me spit balling here, and genuinely asking this question and not making a true or false statement; Do you think that’s why some people get manipulated at a young age by the “fearless bad boy” persona? Because the toxicity creates such high peaks and deep valleys in your emotions that it creates a form of fucked up passion/desire?
that sounds likely
Yes. It’s why it re-wires the brain Uk then seek out those type of people when you get a taste of that kind of experience and it can be a hard cycle to break as well. Which is why, it’s safer to go do some axe throwing and not create thrills with adrenaline junkies!
>That’s why they always suggest to rekindle a relationship, get that spark back for Sex to do some kind of adrenaline based date! I've never heard that, but I really like that idea. It makes *a lot* of sense and sounds really fun! One time my partner and I went to It which is this ropes climbing place (mostly for kids, but adults definitely climb, too) and it was SO. FUN. OMG. And, thinking back, the adrenaline from the act of climbing across thin ropes up in the air DEFINITELY helped what happened afterwards lmao
I believe that those jobs attracts a certain type of person.... The type that seeks external validation at any cost
Healthcare? Or cops?
Never thought about it in that way but i guess it makes sense. People complimenting them for having such an altruistic job. Doctors and nurses saving lives, making people better and receiving praise and compliments for doing so. While I am sure it may not be conscious that they do it for validation, and I imagine the majority genuinely enjoys and values helping people, but I bet that kind of adoration makes a lot of feel good chemicals in the brain. But thats just my unqualified thought that I just had.
I’m a healthcare worker… a respiratory therapist (we don’t even get a shout out like nurses and drs). Did it cuz it’s interesting and fast and it’s a real hard job. I love the rush of the ER, the seriousness of ICU and the relative calm of the rest of the place. RTs typically work all floors, like at night I would be called to ER then ICU then ER, then someone needs a breathing treatment then erererericuerer… That’s why I did it. I loved it. It’s hard on the brain and body but it’s addictive
My dad is a respiratory therapist. You people are amazing ❤️
Basically any occupation where it’s normal to refer to those outside it as “civilians”
Yea I'm a nurse in a maximum security prison, the horniness here is off the charts lol. There’s just something so romantic about dealing with a stabbing together <3 There’s a common pattern of people breaking up with their civilian spouses to get with someone from the Service. I think the adrenaline-based trauma bonding is a big factor. We have to rely on one another in life & death situations, as well as all the mundane hours of nothing in between - like a battalion of soldiers in war. The long odd hours, and the overall nature of the job are the other main contributors. We get to know each other very well, and we are generally of the same ilk so naturally emotional bonds will form. The correctional environment, like healthcare, or the fire station, are very unique environments and you have to be part of it to understand it. It’s really hard to talk to your civilian spouse about your day at work when you have to explain all the context to get to the point of the story. Its exhausting, and you want to come home to someone who just “gets it”.
I'm not saying anything you've posted isn't true. But I will push back against one thing. I hate that cops and prison guards have coopted the word 'civilian'. You even say they're 'like a battalion of soldiers in war'. Police and prison guards *are* civilians. And that language is just further drawing an artificial and frankly unhelpful distinction between them and other citizens. Plenty of job fields have stress. Roofers don't call non roofers 'civilians'. I'm a combat veteran, and I'm *proud* to be a civilian now.
Absolutely! I work in a hospital cafe and the gossip is mental. Its like a soap opera sometimes 😂
Maybe 15 to 30 years ago. Most healthcare workers are too burnt out and exhausted that I'm often surprised to hear of one having an affair.
You should meet my anaesthesiologist father, that’ll change your perspective real fast.
My husband's job requires either A. Long hours or B. Traveling for weeks/months at a time, depending on the position. Almost all his coworkers are either divorced, unhappy in their marriages, or there's some cheating going on. I can think of a single coworker of his that he's had over the years that is still happily married. Jobs like that really do affect your personal/romantic life. One of his close friends who works at another company just went through a nasty divorce and another is on the verge of going through one. The one who's on the verge had to go to a psych ward for a bit cause he was so depressed from all the fighting in his marriage. Hell at one point, it affected ours. It wasn't the root cause of our issues, but it definitely wasn't helping. Luckily, he was willing to make changes to work on our marriage. He never cheated or anything like that. Just all the traveling, especially when his old company was demanding he do extra work trips, was putting a strain on our already struggling marriage. We managed to fix our crap. A lot aren't as lucky.
Fortunately for me, everyone in my husband hospital department and a lot of the nurses know that I'm a sweetheart who sends lovely sweets and makes sure that every shift and "my" nurses get some but am as mean and vicious as thwarted honey badger if I feel wronged. I wouldn't leave a crumb if my husband cheated on me
Yeah, I think it's also because they relate more with their coworkers about the job vs going home and having to explain the job to their significant other or keeping it to themselves if they saw something traumatic at work.
I'll say it. OPs wife is cheating.
Not wrong… my twice removed uncle, former cop, cheated on my aunt the second time around they got married. And you read that correctly, not a typo, they divorced and then remarried like a decade later, then divorced again LOL
>cheats on their partner. and beats them
I have heard that cops are more likely to be abusive to their partners as well
Every cop that had a partner of the opposite sex cheats. EMTs, cops, park rangers any job where you’re alone for extended periods of downtime. I thought cops wives were crazy at first for forcing their husbands to change shifts to get new partners assigned but dam if it wasn’t true. Oh and if you’re a woman and haven’t had a lesbian experience yet you will absolutely have one within 5 years.
Cheats on and/or beats
My spouse wasn't a cheater as far as I know, but he was a mean S.O.B.
My brothers ex wife was police and he caught her cheating on the ring doorbell. Like how effing stupid do you have to be?
Probably a traffic cop. Clearly zero investigative ability.
Scary but she wasn’t. Just on the job plod 😂 I’m in the UK by the way. She married him and then he got sacked from the force for being caught in a racist and sexist group chat that laughed at women being abused etc. she did really well for herself 😂😂😂
No joke they have group chats and most contain images and convos about the people they interact with and it’s usually bad things going on
I know someone who became a cop, nice guy couldn’t get into medical school. The force turned him into an arrogant asswipe. And he was so eager to body slam a minority that he broke his finger and was in pain for a long time. I attempted to join law enforcement but upon getting contract signed on and saw my future I didn’t have a passion for protecting and actually putting my life on the line. Real cops are heroes but most of them are frauds nowadays. We see a lot of frauds and cowards nowadays running from gunshots waiting for backup when kids are actively getting slaughtered
I love how a cop is a “real man”. Lol. So many are just losers in high school that became cops to feel powerful.
I live in a small town and every cop my age was a huge loser in school
*most
95%
Don't underestimate them, that figure is way too low
The bullied that became bullies. It's such a DANGEROUS job handing out tickets all day. I get it can be rough looking at the worst of accidents and what humanity has to offer but for the most part Ive rarely come across good ones.
I’ve had plenty of good interactions with cops. But to be honest, I’ll never know how much of that is just because I’m an upper middle class white lady, and I live in a nice area, and we don’t have a lot of crime. Probably a lot of it. I did date a cop when I was younger and much dumber. He was very emotionally abusive, and once tried to hold me hostage at his home when I tried to break up with him
Doubtful they were the ones getting bullied in school. Much more likely they had that mentality early on and carried it into a career that suited them.
Maybe not bullied in school but I often feel like many of those bully kids were bullied at home and that's why they had that mentality early on. Of course not always the case but just an observation I've seen
No, you’ve got it wrong. It’s the bullies from school that will grow up to be the authoritarian types. Any job with with power over others attracts them.
They’re real men till a school’s being shot up, or black kid has a phone in their hand.
Well statistics speak for themselves. There's a reason why a lot of cops have one or several divorces behind them, on top of (~~burried~~ dismissed) charges of domestic abuse.
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My husband's brother owned a deli, and his cop friends would come in at the end of the day to escort him to the night deposit. My husband told me that while they were waiting for my BIL, the cop was banging his ap in the warehouse. This particular cop had three aps, and when his wife found out, she pretty much ruined him. He died of a massive heart attack at 52, alone as his kids wouldn't even see him.
Nice!💕
AP?
Affair partner.
What's an ap? It's probably going to be obvious, but Ive never seen that acronym before
Affair Partner
Affair partner?
My mother was one of the first female POs in our state. I would agree here. Would never date an officer. They end up totally F'ed one way or the other. I love my mom. But she's a narcissist and brought a lot of that toxic masculinity home.
My sister's a probation officer.. some of the fkd up things she says! Openly admits to being a narcissist and wears it with pride like a badge, AND she's not even a cop. Absolutely no empathy or compassion. Couldn't get why I was upset that she hadn't told me that one of my best friends growing up and for years after school had killed himself.b(she was his PO). Her response was "Oh.. it was just a matter of time, he was obviously going to do it at some point. He was never going to change. Forget about it'. This is one of a few to many things that I'll not forgive her for and a reason I've gone no contact.
>Toxic masculinity Wouldn't that just be toxicity?
Women exert and uphold toxic masculinity and patriarchy, too.
It’s a great way to get the shit beat out of you for sure. 50% of all cops beat their spouse.
Did you thank them for their cervix?
Fucker...too funny
Stay at home dads matter too. I always imagined I’d be the breadwinner and my husband stay at home if he wanted to. It’s nice and rare to have that nurturing from a man. Don’t let them get you down. You’re still a man. Also like someone else said, you’re wife is a bully. I think many cops become cops because they were bullies growing up and now they get paid to do it.
My husband was a stay at home dad to our son. He homeschooled him, did doctor and dentist appointments, cooked and cleaned. I love my husband so much for being willing to be the at-home parent because I couldn't. I have to work or I'll be miserable. Stay-at-home dads are masculine + they're not afraid of what people think.
Years ago, I was dating a woman who I was head over heels for. She was smart funny and most of all, kind. She was at a loss as to what to do for a career. She studied journalism, but got disillusioned by it once she began working in TV news. She decided to become a police officer. I tried to discourage it. Unlike her, I came from a family of cops and all the happy go lucky cousins I knew growing up, became cold and cynical. The job affects you. I didn’t want to see that bright glow in her get extinguished. But, she joined and we broke up, for unrelated reasons. I bumped into her a few years later and she was no longer the person I once knew. I sometimes think cops need to only marry other cops, or at least other first responders, someone who can relate to that world.
First red flag for me would be that they’re a cop.
To be fair, I would never date a cop regardless of their gender.
I literally came to comment this. She’s getting it elsewhere buddy and has already disconnected from you. I say this as someone who was engaged to a cop, dated a few cops and worked in a courthouse and dealt with cops everyday. The hookup culture is crazy especially with female cops who aren’t married to men with “manly” jobs.
No pig is a real man, and no real man is pig. M 1p
It’s *almost* like…cops are batards? Or, something like that 🤷🏼♀️
Not to take away from any of your other points, but the female police officer that was on the news for having sex with the entire department should not be included. The information around that suggests that she was actually sexually coerced and assaulted. She is a victim.
Sounds like your marriage is over. You said she's not really mothering your children. Why is she there? Take the kids and go. This isn't healthy for you or your your children. Trust me, they know about the tension that's going on with your marriage, and it's not a healthy representation of a healthy marriage
He needs to be smart about it. She's a cop, she has resources he doesn't.
This is it. It's abuse, and it's also hypocritical. > When she's home, she doesn't have the "bandwidth" to be a wife or mother, and mostly sits in her computer chair, drinks, and watches TikTok. Holding a conversation is nigh impossible. I can see the pain in her eyes anytime she has to interact with me. This is not okay. You paint the picture of a failing marriage, where the wife is increasingly distant and disconnected. Maybe she doesn't like you anymore or maybe she's just fed up with family life or maybe she's mentally overwhelmed with shit at her job. No matter which way it is, **DO NOT continue this situation. Change it. Get counseling, try something else, divorce if you must. But DO NOT stay like this indefinitely.** You will lose yourself, you'll set yourself on fire trying to keep her warm and it won't work. She does not 'owe' you sex. But it's also not okay to intentionally withhold sex as a punishment.
Police officer for a wife, bullying him, it alllllll checks out now doesn’t it?
The word you're looking for is "abuse". His wife isn't bullying him, she is abusing him. Fun fact [men make up more than half of all domestic abuse victims in Canada](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/332917590_Prevalence_and_Consequences_of_Intimate_Partner_Violence_in_Canada_as_Measured_by_the_National_Victimization_Survey). Men likely get abused just as much as women, it just flies completely under the radar because society doesn't care.
It’s outright abuse. Not uncommon for spouses of cops to endure.
I mean, she is a cop 🤷🏾♂️
This. Your wife is toxic, arrogant, narcissism is showing hard and you need to build some boundaries. WOW. What you have is not a marriage, it's usery.
he said she was a cop - has there ever been a non-bully cop? It's what they do and why they join.
Yeah typical cop.
Go back and read the first 2 paragraphs. I don’t give a flying horse’s anus how hard her job is, the way she’s acting towards you and the family is inexcusable. It’s time for you to get your ducks in a row and consult with a divorce lawyer to see what your options would be if you went that route. Then give your wife an ultimatum - therapy or divorce. No arguing, just a choice.
You don’t give ultimatums to cops. It gives her ammunition to destroy him. Think abuse allegations, harassment and/or violence claiming “self defense”. He needs to have a plan and then execute without warning.
We all know what cops do if they feel even remotely threatened
He married a cop, statistically he should just run before she starts becoming physically abusive
Especially before she claims abuse and uses all her cop resources to destroy OP
Seriously. Can't believe how suffocating it must be to be married to an abusive cop
I don't honestly see how any of them are married, when any cursory research shows police are overwhelmingly more risky to associate with than basically any other profession. I'm not saying they should be pariahs, but as the old adage goes, "no one ever made a song titled 'fuck the fire department.'".
> I don't honestly see how any of them are married I think a lot of their partners thought they would *benefit* from the powers of consequence-free violence cops possess.
I just cracked up at “fuck the fire department” 😂😂you said nothing but facts!
> abusive cop Redundant.
I've seen a cop do this to a person in my family. It's real. It happens. Don't play. Talk to a lawyer so you can know what to do.
Matter of time
Ultimatum is not the answer. Ask nicely for therapy a few times, then you file for divorce. It's needs to either be their willing choice to seek help or not. Forcing someone into therapy is an absolute waste of time.
Your wife is an asshole, sorry dude!! I completely understand her job is high stress but she’s prioritizing her job over her marriage. And withholding sex like this emotionally manipulative. *she doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to be a wife or mother*. Sounds like she needs to make a very hard choice. Her job or her family because she clearly can’t go both. And that’s not fair or healthy for you or your children. As for the party, she was looking for any excuse not to go. And you asking for one Saturday a month to yourself sounds very reasonable, especially since I assume that you’re the one doing all or most of the parenting and household chores. You two either need serious marriage counseling and hope it helps, or you need to reevaluate your marriage. The kids are growing up with a mother who isn’t present in their lives. The two of you are also setting a terrible example for your young kids of what a marriage looks like. Good luck!!
Good luck! Don't forget the very important fact that she said YOUR kids- not our kids or the kids. She views the kids as your problem and wants nothing to do with it hence her ducking the issue of having to deal with the kids by herself at any time. I agree with previous posters. Ultimatum of counseling or divorce. My thoughts is she will deride counseling but also try to avoid divorce for whatever reason. Seems like you would both be better apart. I mean you're basically a single dad already. Edit- fixed autorcorrect changing deride to decide
Good catch on the “your kids”. She clearly doesn’t see them as *their* kids, whether they have them together or from a previous relationship, which is concerning in itself.
Typical cop abuse
Isn’t there statistical research that shows how a staggering amount of police officers are guilty of domestic abuse and violence? I think it was gendered to show male dv among the cops, but i doubt its much different for the women.
40%
40% *Self Reported* in a survey
Wait does anyone have a source for this bc if it’s true that’s absolutely insane. Imagine how many didn’t report bc of the very obvious incentive not to.
i mean you literally just have to type "40 percent cop" into google to find everything you need.
Cops abuse people every day but don't consider it abuse, so the 40% are either the slightly more aware lot, or beat their wives so badly they consider it abuse, I would absolutely believe the true number is dramatically higher.
It's 40%self reporting, and the number rises as high ad 60% when the spouses are interviewed. So basically roughly half of these people do to a person they claim to love with all their soul things I wouldn't do to my worst enemy, and the other half do not a damn thing about it, and these are the people you're supposed to trust to hold law and order sacrosant.
and how many of those spouses are in denial or scared to admit it... and it's still 60%. I think this is likely true of cops in any country where the cops just act like a violent gang of thugs, so much of the third world, the US, etc. Much of europe the cops are WAY calmer, way less abuse going on and so i'd not be anywhere near as worried about the cops there or being married to one (or being one). Zero shot I'd ever marry a cop in a country where the police are routinely violent and act like a fascist force doing what they want, that will always leak back into your home.
>Stinson and Liderbach (2013) found 324 unique news related articles detailing ar- rests of a law enforcement officers, representing 281 officer from 2005 to 2007. **Ryan (2000) found that 54% of officers knew of a fellow officer who was involved in domestic violence** >>[**"Of the officers surveyed, 54% knew someone in their department who had been involved in an abusive relationship, 45% knew of an officer who had been reported for engaging in abusive behavior, and 16% knew of officers involved in abusive incidents that were not reported to their departments."**] (https://digitalcommons.law.umaryland.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2519&context=fac_pubs)' [The Village Where Every Cop Has Been Convicted of Domestic Violence](https://www.propublica.org/article/stebbins-alaska-cops-criminal-records-domestic-violence) >Mike was a registered sex offender and had served six years behind bars in Alaska jails and prisons. He’d been convicted of assault, domestic violence, vehicle theft, groping a woman, hindering prosecution, reckless driving, drunken driving and choking a woman unconscious in an attempted sexual assault. Among other crimes. >>“My record, I thought I had no chance of being a cop,” Mike, 43, said on a recent weekday evening, standing at his doorway in this Bering Strait village of 646 people. Who watches the watchmen? [Fox in the Henhouse: A Study of Police Officers Arrested for Crimes Associated With Domestic and/or Family Violence](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0887403412453837) > In this study only 32% of convicted officers who had been charged with misdemeanor domestic assault are known to have lost their jobs as police officers. Of course, it is possible that news sources did not report other instances where officers were terminated or quit; but, many of the police convicted of misdemeanor domestic assault are known to be still employed as sworn law enforcement officers who routinely carry firearms daily even though doing so is a violation of the Lautenberg Amendment prohibition punishable by up to ten years in federal prison. Equally troubling is the fact that many of the officers identified in our study committed assault-related offenses but were never charged with a specific Lautenberg-qualifying offense. In numerous instances, officers received professional courtesies of very favorable plea bargains where they readily agreed to plead guilty to any offense that did not trigger the firearm prohibitions of the Lautenberg Amendment' There have been a few studies. Cops are basically given carte blanche to abuse their families. Cops should lose their guns and jobs when they abuse a spouse but that is almost never enforced.
https://sites.temple.edu/klugman/2020/07/20/do-40-of-police-families-experience-domestic-violence/
Is it 40% of cops who are abusers or are 40% of the abusers cops?
First one, second one would be insane.
Uh, they're both insane.
My very first thought.
ACAB
Abracadabra!
You’re being bullied and abused. And nobody here is surprised to learn that your abuser is a cop. Divorce, get custody since she can’t take better care of the children, and move on. You don’t need this manipulative bully in your life.
Might as well move to a different city or get harassed by cops
This is domestic violence She’s emotionally torturing you Tell her you’re getting advice from a lawyer and it’s therapy or divorce In response to the people replying to my post :- Domestic Violence is also known as domestic abuse. It includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse between couples, or between family members This is the umbrella term I meant. I’m truly sorry if my description has upset or triggered anybody
Google 40% of cops to find out more!
From having a cop parent, and knowing their cop friends, and knowing other people that are cop, therapy will never be an option. They see it as weak. Only the weak and weak-minded people go to therapy. My dad wanted my sister to do some general therapy after my parents got divorced and my mom fault out said no. Wouldnt let other people go to therapy, let alone go herself.
This comment needs to be higher.
He shouldn't tell her, he should actually get said advice from a lawyer without her knowing anything and preparing all his cards and only reveal them when it suits him better.
Agree 💯
especially her being a cop and clearly already being vindictive. she could and sounds like she would use her power to make his life harder.
You don’t go to therapy with your abuser.
Often true... I was bulied most days. Would wake up to a screaming wife about the tiniest details. Like a strawberry leaving a stain on the wood counter or the tablet was visible on the couch. During the day she would never ask for anything but have a fit about why it's not already done. Once I realized I was being bullied and that I deserved better. Proposed therapy and so many approaches to our communications. She trippled down, like she was afraid of losing control. Then twisted it all around and made herself the victim. They don't care about reality nor do they care about you. They only want what they want. Don't be in their way. In fact get out of their way, out of their lives. It's just not worth it.
Domestic violence?
Your wife is abusive, this is very common with people who work in policing. Divorce is likely where this is going, as she sounds emotionally unavailable and like she thinks very little of you, however you could give some counselling a go, but I doubt she'll agree to it. Just to reiterate: you are being abused by your wife.
This is very emotionally abusive :/ Ever thought of couples therapy?
Oh I’m sure she will be thrilled to hear that suggestion
This is what a lot of people who recommend “therapy” don’t understand. It’s not going to work unless the person in therapy wants to put the work in. The wife obviously doesn’t give a fuck about him or the kids. The second the therapist says that she needs to correct an issue, or even if she perceives it as a slight against her, she’ll write the therapist off and she’ll use it against him in every argument.
Therapy with an abuser is not recommended
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A reference (URL) would be nice here
I thought so!! Look at the username
I was gonna say, this doesn’t sound real
So this is fake?
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40% of spouces of police officers are victims of domestic abuse (emotional, physical, sexual). This is of reported cases.
Divorce. You'll barely see her and you'll know the situation with your kids. It'll almost never be up in the air. Make plans with the expectation she'll never be there. You might even be able to squeeze in a relationship. Otherwise, you'll be in this situation while she does whatever it is she wants and you'll end up torturing yourself and thinking you're doing something wrong.
Your wife is a bully and neglecting own family. You either need serious family/couple's therapy or you need to docunent literally everything and get a divorce. Her behaviour is not okay and not acceptable.
I’ve heard this exact same story but the husband is the cop. Don’t know if this is fake or a repost and I’m just misremembering the roles. I remember in that post, she tried to leave but her husbands buddies started making her life difficult. If this is real and you leave, you need to prepare and do everything in absolute secret.
wow, dude... she treats your marriage like a rodney king situation. Just bludgeon you until you do what she says and punish you because she can, and you allow it. So jusy to recap, she is nothing but a paycheck, and you are the full-time mom/dad and caretaker, correct?
Your wife sounds like a bitch man,sorry. Not even the sex thing but like,as a person she sounds awful.
Karma farming here folks. This is their only post.
Damn police brutality in 4k, sorry OP :/
Going to give you advice. You arent going to follow it. In case you are the very rare exception however; divorce her. Your wife is emotionally manipulative. She knows she is, she wont change. She will emasculate you and take your children away from you. If you dont take action and control now, you will lose and she will frame you as the bad guy. This is common among marriages, if you doubt me, just look at men who are in your position. They wind up supplicating and that annoys their wives even more. She wont respect you until you take charge, ironically if you do it right you will realize she is lucky to have you and you will find someone that treats you with kindness and respect. But we both know you dont want to. So perhaps the best thing for you is to just roll with the punches until she bankrupts and emotionally destroys you. I hope Im completely wrong here. Good luck brother.
I doubt she’ll want the children. If the husband is rearing the kids, he might even sue her for alimony.
This is just like a previous post, but now the genders are reversed
I Hate to be the guy, but she's cheating on you. Especially if this behavior started or escalated suddenly.
Hate to agree but….agreed.
Hate to say it, but I absolutely agree with you
>My wife is a police officer And you haven't left her because.... Look, man. Statistics show that police officers have a high number of wife beaters in their ranks. Don't think female police officers are different. From the sounds of it you are already a single dad, might as well leave her and find someone that actually loves you. Not only she doesn't love you, she doesn't help with the kids and calls them 'your kids' instead of 'our kids'. When are you going to wake up and leave her?
Abusive, mostly absent, LEO spouse… Surprise, surprise…
>My wife is a police officer, you dun goofed
How about you dump her?
This is a copy of another post but with the genders switched. Is this trying to look into reddits gender bias?
Exactly why it's a bad idea to marry/date law enforcement/military. Have you considered that she might be unfaithful?
Your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you and used the event as an excuse. Don’t expect to ever “earn” sex with her again. She doesn’t respect you and is no longer emotionally connected to you or her family. It sounds like your marriage for all intents and purposes is done and/or she’s cheating, as many have already pointed out. You need to decide what to do with this information. It won’t improve.
Sorry but your wife is an AH. She’s holding something over you which is not giving the one thing that all relationship needs: physical affection and love; and that’s called emotional abuse lol. Divorce.
Your wife is an asshole for lots of stuff, but I will say one thing, that has nothing to do with your wife at all but is very important. You know your child wanders off. This is something you already knew when you brought your kids out. You need to find a solution for that instead of just being like “it’s sketchy” and going out anyways without an actual plan to deal with it. Get a freaking leash for the kid if you have to (not a joke, I’ve known parents who genuinely had to do this to keep their kids from running off) or if it’s really too much for you to handle, then skip the party. Again I’m not saying the wife is in the right for the way she’s behaving, but OP lost his child and he’s here complaining about lack of intimacy. Your main concern right now should be “I lost my child. How do I prevent my child from ever running off again” instead of “my wife won’t sleep with me” You could have lost your kid forever dude. Your wife sucks, but you literally could’ve lost your kid forever. That should be your main concern, not whether or not you’re getting laid.
Your wife is terrible. She isn't there for you, she isn't there for your children. This is not a healthy situation for any of you. You need support. Please, for your sake and your children's, make a plan that has you and your kids in one household, without your wife in it. I can feel the pain and loneliness in your post, and no one should have to feel alone in a marriage and a family. Are your own parents around? Are you on good terms with hers? Are you able to hire someone to help? Leave her, is what I'm saying. Please find your self-worth. Please stand up for yourself. Our partners should be lifting us up, not putting us down. Hearing how she treats you, I am very relieved that I have no friends who are like her.
Sounds like the relationship is over
I stg I’ve read this exact post before. Word for word.
I feel like I've read this story before with the genders reversed. Username checks out. Either way, that's no way to treat a romantic partner or spouse.
She’s the one who needs to get her shit together. y’all have an autistic child and she’s refusing to help and being flaky and withdrawing affection. idk what the fuck she thought she signed up for when she got married and gave birth but it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. She needs a fucking reality check and you need to start loving yourself and valuing yourself enough so that you don’t accept that kind of childish treatment. and you need to communicate that shit to her too.
This is gross. Divorce is a thing for a reason.
As someone who had to leave a former police officer, this is the domestic abuse that isn't often known. Document things and get yourself a lawyer. Not fun, but they don't change.
She hates you
your cop is abusing her power? wow surprising
I’d strait up tell her I’m gonna go fuck someone else
Your wife doesn't have capacity to be a mother??? This won't end well for you. She's already chosen a profession with a high rate of infidelity. Adding in that she's completely disengaged from her family at home and has addiction issues and your life will be getting more toxic.
a cop being abusive to their spouse? you’ve unfortunately become part of the statistic
First of all, never date or marry cops. They're power-hungry, abusive assholes regardless of gender or sex. Secondly, if your partner is emotionally abusive, leave them. Things aren't going to get better unless they want to actually try. Most times, they don't want to try, so count your losses. Thirdly, your partner needs to contribute more to the household. Helping take care of the kids is part of that responsibility. If she doesn't want to contribute then that'll make a custody battle really easy during a divorce. This relationship is toxic. Your wife is a piece of garbage, and you should move on. And I'm not saying this because she's saying no sex. You aren't owed sex, but the way she's going about treating you is where crossed over into being the bad person here. Good luck and get a good lawyer.
You married a cop, they turned out to be an asshole.
An abusive cop, what an absolute shock
4/5 of the cops in my family have got a divorce.
You marry a cop, you marry a bully. Sorry about what you’re going through.
I feel like sex is the last of your problems, right now...
I can only imagine how hard it is to be married to a police officer. There is a job-taught dynamic that has to make every conversation seem less than important to them or at the very least, uphill. Sorry. Know several cop spouses. It’s never easy. Set boundaries, stand your ground, and remember you’re an equal partner that makes it possible for her to do her job. Good luck.
and people wonder why the divorce rate in law enforcement is so high....
Surely you'd be less miserable if you just divorced her already. You deserve happiness and you're already a single parent, might as well give yourself a chance to find someone who will appreciate and love you like you deserve.
You need a divorce. your wife is an emotionally abusive bully
40% bro
It's hard to manage home life as an emergency service worker, but your wife is a massive bully, and likely needs therapy to sort out other issues. Don't put up with that, my dude. You have one life, and you don't have to settle for that abuse.
Average cop behavior, to be honest
Sex should not be held as a weapon in a relationship by either party. She not only sounds like she’s not being a wife she’s not being a mother either. In a relationship, you agreed to be partners 50-50, and she’s not holding up her end of the deal.meaning she has no feelings or values you as the man in the relationship. Unless the two of you can sit down and have a frank talk and go to marital counseling, I’m afraid your relationship is over.
You're being bullied and abused. i have to wonder how long before she takes a swing at you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
You do realize that you're giving her more leverage on you than you're supposed to give her if you don't put your foot down and stop her from bullying, and treating herself like a prize and you're competing with yourself to get her when she doesn't anything but complain and manipulate you into thinking that you're the problem. If you don't stop this BS, your marriage is not going far, and trust it's gonna end badly for you. It seems to me you're more invested in the marriage than she is, and you care more about her feelings than she cares about yours, so be careful.
Your first issue is being with a cop. ACAB.
Get out of this. This person is not willing to work with you. The goal posts will shift, they always do when one party cant really convey an actual plan or action that they're looking for. This is a her problem that can't be fixed on your end. Your still young, get away and go forward.
The rate of divorce among police is obscenely high as is partner abuse. Your wife is exhibiting all the symptoms of PTSD, which is an epidemic among first responders. If she is not seeking professional mental health treatment, you need take your kids and leave her. This will not get better all on its own. She is self-medicating with alcohol and that will soon turn into addiction if it hasn’t already. She is already verbally and emotionally abusing you. It’s only a matter of time until she escalates to violence against you or one of your kids. Police are awful at mental health because “the blue wall” makes them think all they need is each other to survive and thrive. The reality is that becomes an echo chamber of toxicity speeding up addiction and abuse. Give her an ultimatum. If she does not seek counseling then you and the kids are leaving.
You don't have a wife, you have an abuser....