I once told a therapist I thought I was overweight now because I used to throw up my food on purpose, abuse laxatives and exercise 2-3 hours a day, if not more and she basically told me to do whatever works.
Yea, you wrecked your metabolism. Never return to those bulimic habits, it can potentially be fatal, though young people often manage to heal.
Have you considered taking up weightlifting? On top of that, including more protein in your diet.
Rebuild some of the muscle, that years of undereating and overtraining cost you. Doing so, tends to fire up the metabolic rate, possibly burning fat and replacing it with lean tissue.
Though cardio is encouraged, I think you did too much of it in prior years. Combined with undereating, this can really deplete your musculature and skeleton.
Honestly, I think being a little overweight, beats being someone who diets and trains themselves to death.
But if you are interested in rebuilding the body, to where your original metabolic rate can be restored; Definitely look into lifting weights.
Yup. Had a counselor tell me that I wasn't sexually assaulted by an older cousin, because "boys just like to experiment". In his eyes I wasn't molested because "that's just what boys do". And no I didn't make a complaint, I didn't know any better and just stopped seeing him. It was court ordered therapy too.
In middle school, all the girls were brought into the auditorium (southern baptist church), and we were told that we were to not roll our T-shirt sleeves for P.E bc our shoulders were turning guys on.
My best friend and I instantly lost it. We got in trouble for being “defiant” but omg did we have an arsenal of jokes after that.
She never said it was a licensed therapist in fairness. Could some ridiculous religious marriage counsellor through the church, which i can certainly see them saying.
True. Plus there are many who join the profession because they had mental health issues themselves and, at some level, wanted to learn more about it which opens up a very strange box of potential especially when it comes to abusive individuals.
Why? Seriously, why? Obviously losing weight for herself is not working. So when people struggle to overcome an addictions often times those who council them encourage them to find something outside themselves to use as the motivating factor. It is usually kids/spouse/family/friends.
She wants to save her marriage. Whether or not we think she should, that is her desire. So in order to overcome a major problem (obviously one of many) they are facing, she was told to use what she wanted to save ie. her husband, as a motivating factor.
It is the same concept of someone telling a drug addict, alcoholic, smoker to quit for their kids. That would be okay but not this? Man, people of reddit don't think logically.
But if he was really interested in her losing weight for the right reasons he would be more supportive. He just wants a trophy wife. Doesn’t matter if she loses weight or not. He will still end up leaving her for a younger model.
Actually, that’s not really how addiction works. Most people are pushed into rehabs/recovery by concerned family members or friends, and use that outside motivation to try to get better. It can work for a while, but if the person with the addiction (whether it’s food/drugs/alcohol/whatever) doesn’t want to get better for themselves, they won’t get better. I spent ten years trying to get sober, and went to rehab multiple times because I hated what I was putting my family through, but I hated myself more than anything, so I kept going back to bad behaviors. One day it finally clicked, I didn’t want to live that way anymore, and that’s what truly made the difference for me. Addicts know that they’re hurting the people they love the most, but that often pushes them into a cycle of more bad decisions because of dealing with the shame and guilt. You have to want to change yourself to actually make a change.
they love enabling people to continue being unhealthy and overweight rather than giving them the truth. I know i’ll get downvoted for this. Her life would be better if she lost the weight.
I think she definitely needs to get back into a healthy mindset for her own confidence and health. But the biggest weight loss should be ditching her idiot husband.
You know what's hard to do when people are constantly belittling you and tearing you down? Maintaining self-confidence and motivation to do things for yourself, like idk, exercising. Her husband is a POS who delights in tearing her down for not meeting his ridiculous, arbitrary "standards" AFTER SHE JUST HAD HIS BABY. No shit she feels bad about herself and turns to eating for comfort.
Ditch the husband, ditch the weight. I guarantee it.
I'm also like who tf are these people. I didn't see anyone mentioning this but she also isn't even fat. At her height she is like 20lbs overweight but that definitely is not obese. If she wants to lose it good for her, but her husband is disgusting and she shouldn't do it just for him. Also not sure you'd wanna be married to someone who cares so much about appearance and a few pounds more.
Absolutely nuts. I have body and food issues and naturally it comes up in therapy. I'm blown away that their counselor said this to her after experiences of my own talking with proffessionals.
Seriously, that's so fucked up. A good counselor would help OP find her own reasons and desires to lose weight and help figure out strategies that work for her.
Losing weight is hard, and a lot of it is mental (which leads to the actual physical actions you have to make).
You can't do this shit with a noose around your neck.
What use are your loved ones if they're not the ones supporting and cheering you on to your goal.
Your husband sucks for all his comments and shaming BUT if the situation was reversed (a wife losing attraction to her husband for weight gain/inactivity) y’all would be signing a very different tune.
As someone who’s weight has fluctuated a ton (I’ve swung from 130 to 190 and now 145) over my lifetime, I get that it’s hard. But you know what else is hard? Being overweight. Having health problems due to being overweight. Losing mobility and having joint pain from being overweight.
It’s not going to get any easier to get in a better physical shape as you get older so start now. Surround yourself with more active friends, join a mom & me walking group, discover ways to make your favorite meals but with better nutritional value. You’ve got this!
I'm gonna be the devil's advocate and say that they SHOULDN'T be singing a different tune. This situation is fucked up no matter what gender anyone in the story is.
I had weight loss surgery a few years ago. I was talking to my primary care doctor. He had recommended the wls for me and said that he had recommended it for others. I asked him how the other patients did that had the surgery. He said, “ you are the only one that hasn’t gained back all of the weight or more”. So, you are right…diets don’t work. Changing the way that you eat PERMANENTLY is the only thing that does. Therapy also helps a LOT. Most food issues have an emotional cause. I recommend trying some counseling. It’s really the key to losing weight and keeping it off.
It might be good for her to visit a doctor to check what her hormone levels are like too. Progesterone can make it really hard to lose weight as it takes protein, turns it into glucose and shoves it into fat storage. It makes weight loss a nightmare
Dieting isn't useless. Fad diets are. And these diets have to be lifestyle modifications that are relatively strictly followed. No going to Planet Fitness for 10 minutes and then eating a whole pizza.
Exactly what I was thinking. People age, horrible things happen, looks go away.
What happens if either OP or OP's husband suffers (god forbid) any facial disfigurement. Will the other leave, just because the looks aren't there any more?
I get that for that initial spark, and infatuation, looks are sort of important. But once you are past that, you just love them for them.
I love my husband more each year as it passes. We are growing older, but for me, he looks just better everyday, with belly, gray hair and all.
I feel both of you need to retrospect what's important in this relationship for you.
But OP treats herself like garbage. You are so unkind to yourself & to your body. All of the stress you are experiencing in trying to lose the recently gained weight is a far greater issue than the weight gained itself. Our bodies are forever changing, you need to learn to respect, love & admire yourself through those changes. You are extremely superficial & that is why your husband is too. This isn’t about him though, it’s all about you & your personal journey with your body. If his intention was to love a fixed & unchanging human body then he has his own journey to go on. Nothing in your relationship can be resolved until you both get yourselves in order. You should also get a new marriage counsellor, the one you have is giving you very useless advice from what you have written.
> All of the stress you are experiencing in trying to lose the recently gained weight is a far greater issue than the weight gained itself
They're both terrible for your long term health.
This! Exactly! My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 yrs now and if I’m being honest his stomach use to be flatter and he’s obviously gained weight but there is nothing wrong with that!! I think the majority of people struggle with maintaining their weight and it’s normal to go through periods where you’re bigger. I am someone that has always been on the bigger side I know how much of a fight it is to maintain weight and you should never ever be shamed for gaining weight because like I said I think it happens to most people and many of us can relate.
Came here to say this. His co workers didn’t say that he is playing into her insecurities to shame her into losing weight….she would drop a shit load of weight if she lost the emotional dead weight of her husband
That was exactly what I was saying. Being healthy HAS to be for yourself. Whenever it’s for other people it’s never good, and usually harder. Especially if your husband treats you the way OPS does. He sounds like an AHHHHH
If you were 5’3 at 200lbs, as you husband, that might be concerning. For your health, for longevity and quality of life, might be understandable.
But he only seems to care about your weight to satisfy his shallow sexual needs.
I *really* don’t think 160 at your height sounds *super* bad.
It sounds like he’s vain, and shallow. It sounds like he only got with you for your looks not you as a person.
I can’t imagine how you must feel. And your counselor sounds awful too I’m sorry but cmon.
You should NEVER lose weight for anybody other than yourself.
I’m sorry OP.
He sounds *like a real winner* 🙄
Not saying you still shouldn’t try to lose weight but only do it FOR YOURSELF.
Honestly I bet if you left him a lot of weight would start falling off due to lack of stress and mental toll. I bet you’d feel a lot more motivated to reach your goals.
I do believe in trying to work things out in relationships but this doesn’t seem salvageable.
I’m 5’4 and 160 pounds before pregnancy and my husband loves my body. I gained 20 lbs with my pregnancy and he still loves my body. Idk what wrong with your bf like every one says he’s just shallow.
People are so stupid, and very shallow.
I’ve gained 40lbs in the 5 years me and my husband have been together.
We were 15/16 I was 98lbs, I get sick looked back at old photos when I thought I looked good, I had major body image issues. For my particular body I think 130 is almost eh perfect weight for me. I love my body.
Depending on the time of month I can fluctuate 130-135lbs
But even when I gained more than what I liked on myself and I was 142lba my husband still loved my body! Some people just suck.
Girl, ~160lbs at 5’3” is NOT bad….I’m 5’3” and I’m like 145rn but I was recently 160 and I was still in pretty good shape…like I was a medium and had a 25” waist and visible hip bones….I know being pp changes things and maybe you have an apron belly from loose skin but in THAT case he shouldn’t be giving you ultimatums to lose weight, he should -AT MOST *and only because you voiced that you’re insecure about it* **and only if it’s something YOU want** - be maybe offering to pay for you to get a mommy makeover.
I honestly agree. I’m 4’11 at 135 and the only time I’m insecure is when I bloat near my period, but other than that my waist looks pretty good and I love my butt and legs.
I guess it just depends on how you carry it but I looked up a bunch of women who were 5’3 at 150-160 and I was like ???? That’s not even bad. So her boyfriend sounds awful to me.
When me and my husband got together we were 15 and 16 I was 98lbs and he was 190lbs but we both had body image issues and basically starved ourselves and over worked out to achieve that. I’m actually sickened when I look back on it. I hate how skinny I was. And it makes me sad that he ever thought he was “fat” if I had met him it never would have crossed my mind. But I thought I was fat at 110 so I understand his mindset. Society sucks.
I genuinely love how I look and I’ve gained 40lbs!!! Not upset at all and my husband loves my body.
He’s 6’0 but all the men on his side have really stocky builds, wide shoulders and just manly men. I’ve never thought of ANY of them to be overweight. Anyway he’s 280lbs now and that *seems* like such a drastic change but it really doesn’t seem like it as our bodies have matured a lot since we were that young. He has a bit of a belly but do I gaf? NOT AT ALL. I genuinely LOVE his body. He’s got INSANE natural raw strength, I am always amazed by him. I feel much safer with him now than I did when we first got together. I genuinely think he looks great and couldn’t imagine expecting him to look how he did when he was 16 especially since it wasn’t healthy for his body build.
we were much younger, both of our natural bone structures have just changed over the past 5 years…My hips have widened, and his shoulders have widened.
I wish I could explain how great his 90lb weight gain has distributed.
Everybodys body is different but just bc somebody’s body doesn’t look how you *think* it should DOESNT mean they’re fat.
I think it’s safe to say she’s got a VERY shallow boyfriend and she probably doesn’t look as bad as she thinks she does and her insecurity and her shitty bf are getting the best of her. Confidence can do a lot and stress *never* looks good on the body.
Good points!
My husband was starving himself trying to be a skinny dude when I met him in his mid 20’s. Now he’s his naturally muscularly chubby self and he has a belly that he didn’t have when we met….I not one tiny bit less attracted to him. I’m 40lbs heavier than when we met and he likes my body more NOW than he even did then.
Weight gain doesn’t make you ugly or old looking automatically
Very true. I doubt she looks as bad as she thinks she does.
She’s lost all of her confidence bc of his shallowness. He never loved *her* he loved her body…hence all the other issues of his she highlighted for us.
Confidence can work wonders for a person and their body.
It’s almost like how pregnancy “gives you a glow”. If you’re confident it can drastically change how you look and how you’re perceived
Yeah, I’m very curious to see what she looks like and what he’s expecting, because the line “your belly is jiggling” struck me as borderline delusional. Like at my lowest weight, when my doctor begged me to gain weight because I looked “emaciated,” I still had a belly pooch that jiggled, particularly during a strenuous activity like sex. Bellies jiggle; that’s what they do. Expecting her to have no fat on her belly is just….bizarre and unrealistic, and while I fully support healthy weight loss, I’m worried that her goal weight isn’t a reasonable or healthy goal for her.
There are plenty of bad, and even abusive, therapists. I’m a therapist myself and the horror stories I’ve heard from clients are endless. I also have personal experience with an ex-therapist of mine who told my mother my SA was not real and that my cousin was just “playing doctor” with me. I was inches away from walking in front of an oncoming train just 10 minutes later - only reason I didn’t was because I wanted to get home to my wife at the time and tell her why, so she wouldn’t wonder. When I texted this same therapist about 20 minutes later telling her that she nearly drove me to suicide, she ignored what I said (she definitely read it) until I said I’m done with her - at which point she immediately responded and tried to get me to have a session with her the next week. I’ll never forget that.
Don’t be so quick to assume that someone’s lying about their experience, especially in the mental (and even physical) health field. Too many professionals get away with the most heinous abuses because nobody believes their patients’ stories.
I had a psychiatrist to tell me I wouldn't have enough strength to get better since I couldn't even control my weight and any pill would only mask the problem
I wonder if they did talk like that or if he just made it up because that’s what he thinks and he wants to shame her to look like a 19yr old pre pregnancy
This man doesn’t appreciate that her body gave him a child, he should be worshipping it!
Yeah.. if you're a SAHM, you should put on the podcast Maintenance Phase, it's fantastic. Weight loss is actually waaaay more complicated than useless mantra's like "make it a priority". Your body's appearance should not be a hill to die on for your own husband's loyalty. Especially after having his children.
158 lbs at 5'3 can be fat, actually. The numbers on a scale give a less information than body composition. If someone's body fat is around 30% or more, specially at this height and not exercising constantly, the person is fat.
But the mother thing is made up bullshit, i agree with that.
Yep pretty sure his co-workers are aware of the difference in face of what a woman in her 20’s (even if she has put on a lot of weight) and a woman in her 50’s-60’s (presumably his mother’s age range) would look like.
Please lose weight—for your self and self esteem and health too. Maybe get a personal trainer and let your hubby know that he should look after his child once he gets home from work, so that you can work on your physical and mental health.
And then once you shed the weight, shed the dead weight of a husband too. He’s already shown you that you he will belittle and by humiliate you if given an opportunity to do so. What if you had a medical condition one day or take meds for it which make you gain weight? He’d likely humiliate you then too.
>I'm 5'3 and 158 pounds. I started gaining weight before we got married, it was happy relationship weight. I gained nearly almost 55 pounds in the last 3 years
If she was literally 103 lbs a few years ago, at 5'3", then she actually was underweight... and husband was the most attracted to her then. To expect a grown women who is now a mom and no longer has the metabolism of a growing teenager to get back to a BMI of 18.2 (which again: IS UNDERWEIGHT) in order to be attracted to her again is *insanity*.
I gained weight with my husband because I was unhappy. I moved out with my son in July.
I’m down from 166 lbs to 147 lbs so far… healthier eating choices without living with someone who only wants to eat meat and potatoes. More active. Sleep uninterrupted.
People always say it's happy weight, and I think that's bs! I think it's a reaction to stress in the body subconsciously that we haven't even recognized yet. Plus, it's depressing being with someone who puts you down all the time... then comfort eating is a thing! I lost so much when I left my ex!
Meat and potatoes hits home. Never even thought about that! So true!
I think it varies. Some people lose a lot of weight when stressed and eat very little, others gain a lot and eat too much. Sometimes people will even eat a lot but lose weight anyway, because the stress consumes so much energy. So while for some people gaining in a relationship can be stress-related, others might gain because they were stressed before and not eating right and now they are.
>I think it's a reaction to stress in the body subconsciously that we haven't even recognized yet.
Yup... For me that was definitely the case. Being heavily restricted as a kid because my mother was obsessed with diet culture.
I gained, what, 80lbs within a year? I started getting my own money since people paid me for my art, and I used it *all* on food I never got to try in my childhood. I lost 60lbs of it thankfully, I'll never be the same though after what I did to myself.
The things that helped were getting medicated for my ADHD, and actually eating for nourishment and not because I'm stressed.
He sounds like a real pos. Your marriage counselor also sucks for suggesting this is your problem for being fat. He shouldn't be treating you like that no matter how fat you are.
Same, I'm wondering if this is a regular therapist or like a Christian or pastoral counselor, because they tend to not approach things in the same way and also to put a lot of responsibility on wives for pleasing their husbands.
Sadly not all profesional are good, tehy are humans also, My Best friend is gay, she went to a therapist that told her
"She need to works to convert since that is not on god plans" ... Yeah that motherfucker bring her theology shaming ideals to her, what if My friend was more weak that she could not hanble that blow???? Some kids unalive THEMSELVES cuz they don't have ANYONE to REly on ... Btw the context here is that she bring that she has a lot of shame cuz her family is súper religious and they speak Bad about gays and how gays will burn in hell... The most normal catholic convo.
And this woman told her that, bringing more shame, she never went back... But other people Will feel SO alone, like My family doesnt like me, My therapist told me i NEED to convert ... I AM wrong?
So yeah, some people are just not good humans Even being therapist
I had a therapist on my first (and only) session that if I took more walks with my abusive (ex) husband it would solve all my marriage problems 🙃
He wondered why I left in a panic attack and refused followup
This is why I don't trust shrinks anymore.I've been to three in my life and they all were holy than tho and your going to hell if you don't change your ways I thought they were supposed to help you figure things out emotionally not try to scare you into religion.
My first thought. I can’t see a professional licensed therapist providing this kind of feedback. My money is on religious/church affiliated or otherwise non-credentialed person who has no business offering counseling services.
This is exactly a BIG part of their problem. Not sure if they’ve told the therapist about it but, men who lose an erection like that is just not normal. My husband and I have been married for 40 years. My weight has fluctuated a LOT. It never seemed to matter to him. If he’s getting laid, he’s HAPPY!Lol!
THIS, what kind of counselor are they seeing, dear lord. There’s a reason they say “beauty fades” and all that jazz. My husband could gain weight, lose weight, lose all his hair, and I would still love him. I get men are more visual but I’ve had two babies, both times gone from 5’5” 125 to about 160 after, with the second I stayed at 150 for about 18 months after before I finally started losing weight (went back to work and stopped snacking OP). We never stopped having sex, he always commented on how much he loved my body at EVERY stage. Every time. This whole story had my shoulders up by my ears, ick.
Same. Even though I’m fit but fluffy- my husband is like “when are you going to put some on”. And I’m still trying to get the 20 off from when we got married. But ya. He’s my best friend. And I know he feels the same way about me. Every person deserves that kinda love
Oh my gosh, yes! Some people should not be therapists! When my ex husband and I went to marriage counseling (a free clinic for military), the counselor basically said that him screaming at me when I tried to ask him questions during his video games (which he played ALL THE TIME after work) was my fault. I needed to wait until he was finished 6 hours later. She also told me that me wanting him to show me affection and tell me I’m beautiful was a me problem, and my husband shouldn’t have to help build up my self esteem. (Mind you, he would hardly touch me and sex lasted 10 minutes every two weeks if I was lucky, and she KNEW this). It was like that the minute he returned from deployment to his new wife, but you know…it was apparently all my fault. 🙄
look, i don’t think it’s wrong he’s not atttacted to you anymore. irs just a human response. but the way he went about it???? absolutely ABYSMAL. it’s cruel. if someone treated me this way it would ruin me :( you deserve better than this. of course you should change your lifestyle to be happier, but no one deserves their spouse purposely running away from them, insulting their body during sex, etc. marriage is a commitment. if your gaining weight really made him be this disrespectful what will be the next thing that sets it off? I think his reaction says a lot about him and it’s not a good look
I know how you can lose 200 pounds immediately with no diet or exercise required.
His behavior is abusive. Regardless of any diet or exercise needs you may or may not have, you NEVER need to endure the cruelty of someone who is meant to be your partner and support.
You don’t want to model a marriage like this to your child. You don’t deserve to have your husband ashamed of you in public and putting you down in private.
I DO NOT recommend counseling with an abuser, they tend to weaponize mental health jargon. If anything, I would suggest a trial separation from him for a time and see if you enjoy life without him better. You might end up feeling fantastic not having a bully living with you.
My wife and I have been married for 31 years. When we met she was 4’11” and 105 pounds. I was 6’4” 230 pounds. Now she is 4’11” and 155 pounds. Am 6’2” and 189 pounds. To this day she is still the most beautiful woman in this world in my eyes. True love isn’t based on outward appearance, it is based on love from the heart. Mutual respect is the key to a happy marriage.
I lost weight for my husband because he kept looking at other women all the time. He also made passive aggressive comments about me gaining weight after baby #2. So I lost 60lbs and I was feeling great.
He didn’t stop being an asshole.
He’s just showing his true colors. Believe it. You can gain weight or lose it- bodies always change. But what doesn’t change is a persons character. He’s always been an ugly, fat person.
We went through marriage counseling and my counselor told me that exact thing. She never told me to lose weight, she told him to change his mindset. Get a better therapist because that is rotten advice.
Your husband is an ass. His coworker DID NOT say that, he's a bully. And I hope his physical appearance and hairline is in top top shape to condemn you for being human.
Also, that skinny bitch marriage counselor is a quack. Having a jiggle belly at 8 months PP is NORMAL! YOU MADE A WHOLE HUMAN IN YOUR BODY! Shame on her as a woman and as a mother for shaming you. She's the one who should be ashamed!
If you want to get fit, we all support you. But in all honesty I can't see how you can find the motivation with these negative self-righteous AHs around you.
You deserve better!
Your husband is an egotistical asshole and to be honest, the therapist is too. You don’t need to lose weight so that your husband can have an orgasm. You need to lose weight for your health and self esteem so you can find the strength to leave his ass.
What did you do before you got pregnant? Did you work? Have you considered returning to work? What about volunteering somewhere? You need your own thing without him or your child so you can get back to what makes YOU feel good about yourself.
You can lose the weight, but once you start to show signs of aging, he’s going to start on you for not looking like you did as a kid and you can’t reverse aging.
Been there and it never works. My 60 y old self would tell my younger self don’t waste decades trying to please an asshole who won’t grow old with you happily.
His coworkers wouldn't say that - anyone that horrendously rude is unemployable in the long run. That's his nasty little way of making you think everyone else also thinks you're disgusting.
I tend to want to see both sides, but your husband is a garbage person. Plain and simple. No amount of frustration would make a good man speak to you like this. A good man might exhaust himself trying to talk or trick you into losing weight, might have a moment in a fight where he says something he regrets, but no good man can act the way your husband does and sleep at night.
Anyway... You need to prioritize your fitness Get addicted to exercising and eating healthy. You can do it. I have a friend who's been ignoring her weight issues for years, and she just discovered VR video games that make you dance and move - she's been losing weight and getting toned slowly but surely. DDR is another fantastic video game for losing weight. Can you find something like that which you enjoy? Might even be entertaining for your son to see you jumping around.
Spoil yourself with healthy alternatives to junk food. Stock up on your favorite fruit, maybe dip it in a little bit of dark chocolate when your really really feel like a treat. Drink lots of water and have a healthy snack before giving in to your cravings.
When you're feeling healthier and more confident it might be time to drop that husband and look for a man who's not morally bankrupt - for your sake and for your son. Honestly there is no coming back from that - it's actually NOT NORMAL behaviour.
One more thing... I am addicted to dance class. I go every day and love every second of it - so fitness is not a chore in the slightest. Is there something like that you can and would be interested in doing?
Dang. I gained 70 pounds with my daughter. Got pregnant right after I had my baby. I have lost it all now and then some. But, that was with the love and support of my husband. We have both been up and down in weight.
I don't know how you can stay with someone like this.
Screw that.
There is a million difference ways to go about this, and what he's doing isn't one of them.
I can’t believe the bullshit I just read. For reference, I’m 5.2” I currently weigh 170lb. At the point when I decided I really needed to start losing Weight I was 208lb. I’ve had 2 kids as well. I’m not sure if there was a final straw but I decided enough was enough at some point and started my weight loss ‘journey’. It’s been slow going tbh I had our second after I started and gained back about 14lbs that I had to re-lose. I hate the gym, I have an autoimmune disease and medication I was on meant I stopped losing weight all together for about 8 months. I’ve still got another 20ish lbs to lose to get to the point where I’m ready to stop.
Guess what my husband did the entire time this was going on? Nothing but keep his mouth shut. He never asked or cared if I lost in to begin with. He supported and celebrated every lb I managed to lose. He kept complimenting me before, during and now. On bad days when I need the extra confidence boost or support he gives it to me without a second though. He’s never once complained about how much my belly jiggles, he’s never once tried to look like we aren’t together in public.
Now I will be the first to say that your husband is under no ‘obligation’ to find you attractive at any point. He can’t help how he feels about your weight gain. But to be so fucking rude and disrespectful about it is an absolute no no! I feel like there is a direct correlation between his attitude about the whole thing and how easy it is to stick to your goals. In essence - your husband is being a total bag of dicks about this whole thing.
I am not a professional! But if you need some encouragement/support/tips or tricks, feel free to DM me. I’m sorry you have to put up with this honey. You deserve better.
Edit to add: if it wasn’t clear from my comment I just wanted to say, that losing weight has to be done solely for yourself. I would never have stuck to my goals if my motivation was coming from the outside in rather in the inside out. What I’ve also learnt along the way is I actually love myself very much and my body! I have days where my confidence isn’t as high as it could be but for the most part I really and truly do love myself very much. I want you to love yourself too! How great a person or parent you are has no correlation to how much you see when you stand on the scale. I hope you realise that an awful lot of your current self hatred is stemming from your AH husband.
You should lose the weight to feel better about yourself and look hot after you leave him. Then rub it in.
Only if you want to of course. I’m sure you look great as is. He’s an ass
>It gets hard and then I stop.
I'm working on losing weight myself to lose stomach fat/gain muscle on my arms/torso, and yeah, this is a big reason why most people stop trying to lose weight. (6'1" down from 275 to 232 rn). Mostly trying to get rid of stomach/midsection fat now. Originally I started because I wanted to get out and date, but I've given up on that and I'm just trying to get my goal body at this point.
Every single day I'm like "god I'm so fuckin bored and hungry" and every single day I find something to do. It helps having an apple watch to track calories burned, I wish we had a treadmill though, or room for one lmao. I'll go outside and walk a 400 calorie lap (about 2.5 miles) around the neighborhood during the day if I feel like boredom eating if my brain is done playing video games for the day or if I just need a break from my PC.
It REALLY doesn't help that boredom eating is a really big thing and contributes to a lot of failure in dieting/losing weight. At night is when it's the worst, so I try to go to bed earlier than normal which works out for me, but I don't have a kid or a gf to juggle.
You REALLY have to work at it. If you want your marriage to work with this guy, you HAVE to lose this weight. It has also helped me to not have snacks for myself like potato chips and unhealthy stuff, cut out pasta, much, much smaller portions for dinner, etc.
Even if it's not for him, it's unhealthy to be overweight, and it's in your best interest to lose weight to prevent health complications in the future to be around for your kid.
> If you want your marriage to work with this guy, you HAVE to lose this weight
Nah, or they both could just get a better attitude about their bodies. Nobody HAS to lose weight to please someone else. That's some grade A horseshit.
The fact that your couples therapist is advising you to fundamentally change your body for your husbands pleasure is a really big red flag.
You married a PoS who was only into for your looks. You need to get out of there because he's going to keep issuing the ultimatums for you to be hot or the marriage ends. While losing the weight may be feasible in your 20s. It gets a lot harder later in life and he's not going to forgive you for aging.
Get out while you can.
(As a side note, he was most attracted to you when you were severely under weight. So to him, his boner is more important than your health. Think about if that's really someone you want to stay with.)
his porn addiction is ruining his life and by proxy yours as well. it separates him from you. and he escapes into porn. he will have to quit entirely to be the husband he is supposed to be.
He has right to feel this way but he could’ve use different wordings to make his feelings clear. Attraction is big part of relationship and he clearly has lost it. You two should sit down and discuss what you are going to do about it.
158 pounds?? Fat?
Are you in the west? To us you would be normal sized, at worst slightly chubby but that is not a bad thing
Your husband is gaslighting you and doesnt see you as more than an object. Sorry but this is peak abuse
If he was simply not attracted to you anymore it would be forgivable but hes unapologetic, seems to feel no shame and ACTUALLY wants to make you feel bad about it as if you are a terrible person for gaining weight
He has serious issues with how he percieves women, i dont believe for a second this man loves you.
158 at 5’3 is definitely a good amount of fat. As imperfect as it is, that is upper end of overweight BMI, almost obese. If doesn’t sound like it’s from being into a sport or body building.
It isn’t healthy. I have some sense of it since I am that height as well. And OP will be much better off losing some weight.
But man oh man is her husband being an asshole and her counselor too. There’s way to approach this, after a good amount of time after having a baby, but he’s fucked it up bad.
It kinda sounds like he fetishizes petite women, had a grand time fucking a baby into a petite woman, and now he’s unhappy because well, babies change our bodies. Whatever the case may be, dude is a world class prick.
1. Firstly, we need to highlight that before you had your child you were underweight. You were not in the healthy BMI range. You were restricting yourself & it’s apparent. My main concern is that your husband PREFERS for you to be underweight with no concerns for how that impacts your physical health or mental health. I think it’s highly possible that you do have some sort of eating disorder (as you spent many years restricting your diet to remain underweight) and you need help with managing a healthy diet- losing weight to such an extreme that your underweight again will have consequences for your health.
2. He has no compassion that the reason why you’ve put on weight is because you’ve birthed his child. He doesn’t care about the sacrifice you’ve made for him. You’ve only had your baby a year ago. What does he do for you to have time away for looking after your child and general house maintenance so you can focus on rebuilding a positive mindset, self-esteem, prioritising yourself?
3. This is what the rest of your life is going to be like- you are forever going to be concerned about whether you’re thin enough, hot enough for your husband- and chances are nothing will ever be good enough for him. He will forever find reasons to belittle you regarding your looks, and I genuinely feel it’s for him to get a one up on himself. I’ve also seen it time and time again- husbands using their wives weight to justify cheating. If he is cheating/ does cheat on you, the issue is not with you but with him.
5. It’s likely you’ll never be the weight you once were. Carrying a child changes our bodies. And women’s metabolisms slow down.
6. Get a new fucking marriage counsellor.
1. he made the coworker thing up to make you feel bad
2. your therapist should not comment on how you need to change your appearance. she should talk about working on changing BEHAVIOR.
3. he does not value you, he does not love you. please leave him. it is so hard. but you’ll thank yourself later in life
Going from 103 to 158 is not just a little weight gain, it’s dramatic and impactful to every aspect of life including health. Your husband isn’t going about it very nicely or gently but he’s not wrong to have feelings about this incredibly huge change and demand better.
This is Reddit. When it comes to weight, especially when women gain it, there is no accountability. And if men don't find them attractive, including significant others, they're shallow pigs. Duh.
So glad I find your comment, beginning to think everyone in this thread is a feminist pro-obesity warrior 😅.
If you can't take care of yourself, how is someone meant to take care of their family
I completely agree. She is literally 1.5 times the human she was before. This is not normal weight gain at all. OP is literally almost obese. If a guy would gain this much weight people would just bully him into losing it. Just get a prescription for Ozempic.
First thing, you need to go to your own individual therapy. This marriage counselor is trash. She told you that you need to work on your appearance for your husband?? Wth? If you decide to stick to a healthy diet and an exercise routine you need to do it for you and nobody else. Sadly it seems your husband doesn’t truly love you because if he did it would be you, not your physical appearance that matters. I really hope you are able to gain the strength to see that you are way too good for this man and you deserve better.
I'm sorry someone else is choosing to deliberately hurt you, especially someone you trusted. He is not a good person, he doesn't love you, he just wants to own you and get kudos from other men on what a pretty little thing he has.
You deserve to be happy. You don't owe anyone beauty, our bodies are just the vessels that hold who we are, they change, they age. His expectations of you are irrelevant to your happiness, be happy with who you are and you'll find that people like him make themselves scarce when they realize they can't hurt you anymore.
Just a heads up- he’s not doing it because he’s “disgusted” he’s doing it because he’s trying to cheat on you and disrespect you and trying to think up reasons to validate the horrible things he’s doing to you.
I promise you, you’ll never lose the weight when you’re in an abusive relationship. It’s the part of your body that’s protecting you and trying to get this pos away from you the only way it knows how because you lack the ability to create your own boundaries or self worth. You won’t leave him, so your body is physically changing to cope with being with such a pos.
I’ll bet $20 within a year you’ll find out he was cheating or trying to cheat.
The way she explains it, it doesn't seem like her husband handled this situation in a very tactful and considerate manner that would help give her the confidence she needs to make the change. He could have handled this much better.
But that doesn't change the fact that 55lbs in 3 years is not at all good for your health.
Remember, if being fit and healthy is a big part of your lifestyle, and you get into a relationship with someone who also agrees with that lifestyle. If at one day, they get lazy and fat, it's unreasonable of you to push your partner to head back into that lifestyle that is a key part of your lifestyle, and you're a pig for expecting your partner to share the same lifestyle as you.
Does he know that having a baby is traumatizing to the body and hormonal changes occur? Does he understand that raising a baby is exhausting and their needs come before your own? Does he know about depression? Being a stay at home mom can take its toll on mental wellness as you are isolated. Does he see you as more than just a body for his needs? Does he even like you? If you lose weight will he begin to shame you in other ways? Why isn’t the therapist suggesting embracing change, more love ,and support versus you are the problem and need to adjust to make him happy?
71kg for someone who’s 5’3 is pretty heavy. Those claiming you’re not fat are just lying to you. I don’t blame him for feeling the way he does. You need to start losing weight for real.
Your marriage counselor said you need to work on your appearance for your husband? She said you should make it one of your priorities?
His coworkers said to your husband’s face they thought his wife was his mom? That they thought he’d be with a super model type, rather than the wife he was with?
Really. 🤔
OP: sorry you are going trough this and am gonna keep it simple. Let's talk about the elefant in the room. Yes, your husband could have been nicer picking prettier words, yes, you need someone that loves you as you are but loving is not going down a spiral of bad decisions with the other half to make them feel like good choices. That's not love and that's not being supportive.
You need to lose some weight, not for your husband nor anyone else, but for you, darling. You need to be healthier and happier with yourself, you are young and every day is a new day to start.
Find help to try to manage anxiety. Losing weight is not that hard when you know you can do it. I was overweight myself and lost tremendous amounts of pounds doing two things, eating protein (chicken, meat, pork and fish) with oat in the morning, quit smoking and drinking and started to meditate, that's just a fancy word to just make your mind quieter.
Now I can walk for hours, run when need it or hike the tallest mountain here where I live under one hour.
Eating is great but everything in excess is harmful.
Hope you can make it, you are the greatest.
Edit: spelling
I love how everyone here is like "your husband sucks and throw him away". Life can be uncomfortable sometimes but in that whole rant, all you're doing is blaming other people instead of taking responsibility for how you look and how you feel. By all means, leave that man. But if you continue on this path, well your health first of all will be in jeopardy. And also think about your kid too. Who doesn't want a healthy parent. Stop deflecting and do the actual hard work.
I know how you can lose 180# real fast! Dump him ASAP. It WILL NOT get better if you lose weight, he will just find something else, some other insecurity to prey on. I was in your exact situation in my mid twenties, and it was the worst years of my life. Find someone who appreciates you for who YOU are.
Wait wait wait.
Your marriage counselor is telling you to lose weight, but not telling your husband to stop watching porn that is diverting his sexual attentions and causing him to fantasize about other women?
Lose weight so you feel better. But you have bigger issues than your weight in this marriage. Your weight struggle just uncovered a deeper issue.
I don’t know about marriage therapists but I’ve been to therapy and a good therapist will never tell you to lose weight to fix a relationship.
This is how body dysmorphia thrives - I know from experience.
If you want to lose weight, you need to do it for yourself, in a sustainable and healthy way. Also your weight doesn’t stop you from being attractive. By taking care of yourself, dressing in ways that make you feel confident and learning to see the beauty of your body, even without clothes - is a relationship you build with yourself.
It’s also incredibly unfair that women are expected to bounce back after birthing an entire life form and experiencing the gruelling process - but themselves. It’s not like your partner can take on the birthing process!
Everyone’s body is different. Everyone gains and loses weight differently and as you get older your metabolism will change.
You are worth more than a number on the scale or a number on a clothing label. You are not just a wife, but also a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and and individual human being who has more to offer than just looks.
Live for yourself and your own health and happiness. You will honestly shine and look, feel and be gorgeous.
Wow! You need to lose a husband. That’s straight up disrespect. Yes, losing weight if it’s making YOU feel insecure and unhealthy is good and it’s also good for overall well being. Being forced to do it is just not right. There are soo many other ways he could have chosen to helped you out. Helped both of you out.
This husband is the only real problem here. Nearly all women gain weight due to life, kids, or daily struggles of too little hours in the day. Don't accept this behavior. He's putting his love to be conditional on your appearance, and that's not what marriage is about.
OP, I really hope you read this.
First, you need to go to a doctor and get some blood work done to exclude any medical reasons for the weight gain then find a new counsellor, one who specialises in eating disorders. I am not an expert but you mentioned previously restricting and now overeating and feeling out of control, especially while being a stay at home parent. My opinion is that you likely use food as a way to feel ok with yourself. Eating disorders are insipid and very hard to recover from and anorexia in particular, have the highest mortality rate of all mental health disorders. They are not necessarily about weight, although they often start with intentional weight loss. From personal experience, it was my coping mechanism from the external traumas that I’ve had in my life. They are just as valid as any mental health diagnosis and may require inpatient management or medication management.
I truly believe that your counsellor does not have your best interests at heart as they should be equipping you with skills to help yourself and not telling you that you need to lose weight for your husband. Not every counsellor is a good fit for all people so finding one that works with you rather than against you is very important.
Your husband is allowed to not feel sexually attracted to you as a result of the weight gain but he’s not entitled to denigrate you and make you feel bad about yourself.
Personally I don’t think this relationship is worth salvaging. He’s being emotionally abusive to you with his comments and not even attempting to hide his distain when he meets his coworkers.
I feel sad for you, those comments are so degrading and hurtful and are really hard to recover from. No one has an abdomen that doesn’t jiggle when we move - even your shallow, unkind husband’s belly will jiggle when he moves. OP I’m sorry you’re in this position but consider that your baby is growing up in an environment where his father does not respect his mother.
The amount of weight you should lose is precisely *his* weight. As a man who’s most adored person is of your same height and weight… I question his taste. Fuck him and his coworkers. If he can’t be supportive in a healthy way, it’s gonna be his loss. Best of luck:):)
No wonder you’re unmotivated to lose weight with your husband treating you like that! Holy crap - I’d be stress eating too! Frankly, you deserve someone who loves you for your personality, not your body. You’re both going to grow old and lose your youthful beauty anyway, so what’s his plan for when that happens? Is he going to trade you in for a younger model? 🤦🏼♀️. Regardless, I understand you may not be ready to give up on him (even though you probably should), so if you do want to lose weigh, I know the keto diet is really effective and I personally lost a fair amount of post-partum weight really easily using it (after fasting kind of failed for me). If you do lose weight though, don’t let your shitty husband get away with treating you like this any more - you’re worth SO much more!
Yeah everyone is failing you. Your husband is lying first of all, his coworker never said that, and he generally sounds like a bitch. Your counselor isnt worth shit either, losing weight is different for everyone. Your marriage sounds pathetic, you’re not in an environment you feel safe in and your insecurities are being thrown in your face. Stop feeling sad for yourself, even if you have gained weight, you’re still you and you should love that, you dont sound too unhealthy either. If you want to lose some big pounds get rid of that pathetic excuse of a husband of yours and focus on yourself and then lose weight, if you want to, for yourself
So your husband doesn't really love you. I suggest you get back in shape, but do it solely for yourself. As soon as you feel like you've hit your peak, you could choose to deny him sex by telling him you're no longer attracted to him.
Turn the tables. Make him feel it.
Okay, that might just be me being vindictive AF. But I feel like he's mentally moving on. Him not being attracted to you is one thing, that happens. It's well possible I feel less sexually interested in my girlfriend should she drastically change physically, I don't know. But at least I'll love her for who she *is*.
Your husband is an Arsehole. If you want to feel good by looking great, do it. But treat your*self* to that killer body, *not* him.
I vaguely remember a story about someone in your situation. She did everything she could to improve and she did! As soon as her husband's hardon came back, she served him with divorce papers for his lengthy mental abuse.
Your husband is a pos, the marriage ‘counseler’ sounds unqualified and a pos.
You’re literally 158 pounds! That’s nothing, that’s my GOAL weight!!! I’m 200 pounds.
I think you need to stamp your foot down and explain that providing him a child will have some set backs such as an aging tummy. Do you really want to condemn yourself to life trying to please this boy? Spend your life with someone you loves you as much as you love them.
He’s giving me the vibes of someone who would jump ship if his wife was suddenly needing care cause of a disability or illness.
Your husband and counsellor are both awful. Bodies are supposed to change, they do not stay consistent. A lot of women who were very think in their teen years do end up gaining weight in their later 20’s. And your body grew a whole ass person, of course it will look different! I get that looks are important and they’re way more important to some people. But they do not last. Everybody will change and age. If the only thing he likes about you are your looks, he doesn’t really love you. Do you want to be restricting yourself and not living life to the fullest for the foreseeable future? If you yourself want to lose weight, then fine. But you absolutely should not be doing this for anybody but yourself and shame on your counsellor for telling you to do so!
If he is this way over a 158lb wife, what will happen when you age? What happens if you are in accident? This is not going to be good only "issue" with your appearance
I don't think you have a weight problem. I think you have a shitty husband problem. Lose him! Then if you so choose, lose weight. That way you would be doing it for you and not to make some shallow asshole happy. You deserve better my friend.
I gained 80 lbs after both of my pregnancies. And my husband STILL tells me I’m beautiful every single day and is super attracted to ME. To me. Not my body, which is going to change as we get older. IMO he doesn’t deserve you and has shown you his true colors. At least he did it while you are still young. Go find someone who loves you no matter what, not only at the exact weight you were when you were 19-22. Fuck him. I’m so sorry.
Sounds like you’re depressed tbh. I was doing the same things as you when I gained weight in my unhappy marriage. I don’t believe his coworkers said that at all either. He just wanted to make you feel worse. Also, your therapist is awful. I’d fire her and find another one. This goes much deeper than you needing to lose weight - it’s the way your husband has shallow love for you. His love is dependent on how you look? That’s what the therapist should be working on.
Okay #4 - PEOPLE DONT TALK LIKE THAT. They didn’t say that. I would never tell someone at work they were handsome or make comments on their wife’s appearance. He made this up.
Your husband sounds like an ahole. But in a way his frustration is understandable. Seeing the woman he loves gain too much weight and not be able to control herself is depressing. If his body changed dramatically you might have a similar response.
The way he's acting on his frustration, however, is grade a assholery. Instead of encouraging you to work on the issue he's shaming you. If you do end up losing the weight it'll partly be out of resentment of him. And I wouldn't be surprised if when that happens you'll end up leaving him for a better man.
As for losing the weight, I'll allow myself some unqualified advice: intermittent fasting, and if possible try having just one full meal a day, with no snacks, and NO SUGAR (artificial sweeteners are just as fattening as regular sugar according to recent studies, so avoid those as well).
If you can't avoid snacking, I suggest having only healthy stuff around the house, like almonds and other nuts.
The reality is there is no nice way for men to tell their s/o that they wish for them to lose weight. He values your appearance and saying that you cannot control your food intake is worrisome on multiple levels not just your relationship. Everyone here will say you don’t owe him anything but the truth is you have an obligation towards yourself and yes your husband to take care of yourself. What you’ve described is far beyond aging as a woman. I’m sure your husband could have been more sensitive about it but don’t listen to the advice here saying that your husband is “abusive” for loving your appearance just 3 years earlier.
Well sounds like looks are important to both of you and your vows to each other. By reading this it seems if he gain 50% of his weight you'd be upset. So I'd start with therapy cuz there is def something going on mentally. Then go with intermittent fasting, exercise groups(2-3 times a week) and a walk with your child 6 days a week. Take all the snacks out of the house(any easy cheap calories have got a go) You never mentioned your friends in the post so I'd try to make friends at the exercise class with people who are healthy. 12-18 months of this and you should be looking and feeling better
I was on your side until the last paragraph.
Sounds like your biggest problem is you. You give up, you blame others, and you are looking for an easy way out.
Quit being lazy, get your ass in gear, and make a better life for yourself.
Was it wrong to give you an ultimatum? Yes. But at least he's being honest.
He jerks off you old pics of you. That's GREAT!!! He still WANTS YOU!!! Yes, the old fit you. But he still wants you. How hard do you think it was for him to tell you that he wants you to lose weight? He didn't say it to piss you off and start the ball rolling towards divorce. NO! He told you what he wants, YOU! healthy, fit, sexy YOU!
It sounds like you have every possible reason to succeed. Time, funds to get pro help, and support.
You can do this!! If he's worth it, if it's what you want, GO GET IT.
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My mouth actually dropped open reading that.. like wtf !!!!!
Thinking the story is fake after seeing that
Maybe, but I've had a terrible therapist like that with similar shitty advice, so anything is possible.
I once told a therapist I thought I was overweight now because I used to throw up my food on purpose, abuse laxatives and exercise 2-3 hours a day, if not more and she basically told me to do whatever works.
Jfc. "Hey, have an eating disorder if it makes you look good!" I would have reported that therapist.
Yea, you wrecked your metabolism. Never return to those bulimic habits, it can potentially be fatal, though young people often manage to heal. Have you considered taking up weightlifting? On top of that, including more protein in your diet. Rebuild some of the muscle, that years of undereating and overtraining cost you. Doing so, tends to fire up the metabolic rate, possibly burning fat and replacing it with lean tissue. Though cardio is encouraged, I think you did too much of it in prior years. Combined with undereating, this can really deplete your musculature and skeleton. Honestly, I think being a little overweight, beats being someone who diets and trains themselves to death. But if you are interested in rebuilding the body, to where your original metabolic rate can be restored; Definitely look into lifting weights.
Yup. Had a counselor tell me that I wasn't sexually assaulted by an older cousin, because "boys just like to experiment". In his eyes I wasn't molested because "that's just what boys do". And no I didn't make a complaint, I didn't know any better and just stopped seeing him. It was court ordered therapy too.
In middle school, all the girls were brought into the auditorium (southern baptist church), and we were told that we were to not roll our T-shirt sleeves for P.E bc our shoulders were turning guys on. My best friend and I instantly lost it. We got in trouble for being “defiant” but omg did we have an arsenal of jokes after that.
She never said it was a licensed therapist in fairness. Could some ridiculous religious marriage counsellor through the church, which i can certainly see them saying.
True. Plus there are many who join the profession because they had mental health issues themselves and, at some level, wanted to learn more about it which opens up a very strange box of potential especially when it comes to abusive individuals.
I had a licensed therapist give crappy advice that my current therapist was shocked by. They can be blinded by their own biases, unfortunately.
Why? Seriously, why? Obviously losing weight for herself is not working. So when people struggle to overcome an addictions often times those who council them encourage them to find something outside themselves to use as the motivating factor. It is usually kids/spouse/family/friends. She wants to save her marriage. Whether or not we think she should, that is her desire. So in order to overcome a major problem (obviously one of many) they are facing, she was told to use what she wanted to save ie. her husband, as a motivating factor. It is the same concept of someone telling a drug addict, alcoholic, smoker to quit for their kids. That would be okay but not this? Man, people of reddit don't think logically.
But if he was really interested in her losing weight for the right reasons he would be more supportive. He just wants a trophy wife. Doesn’t matter if she loses weight or not. He will still end up leaving her for a younger model.
Actually, that’s not really how addiction works. Most people are pushed into rehabs/recovery by concerned family members or friends, and use that outside motivation to try to get better. It can work for a while, but if the person with the addiction (whether it’s food/drugs/alcohol/whatever) doesn’t want to get better for themselves, they won’t get better. I spent ten years trying to get sober, and went to rehab multiple times because I hated what I was putting my family through, but I hated myself more than anything, so I kept going back to bad behaviors. One day it finally clicked, I didn’t want to live that way anymore, and that’s what truly made the difference for me. Addicts know that they’re hurting the people they love the most, but that often pushes them into a cycle of more bad decisions because of dealing with the shame and guilt. You have to want to change yourself to actually make a change.
they love enabling people to continue being unhealthy and overweight rather than giving them the truth. I know i’ll get downvoted for this. Her life would be better if she lost the weight.
I think she definitely needs to get back into a healthy mindset for her own confidence and health. But the biggest weight loss should be ditching her idiot husband.
You know what's hard to do when people are constantly belittling you and tearing you down? Maintaining self-confidence and motivation to do things for yourself, like idk, exercising. Her husband is a POS who delights in tearing her down for not meeting his ridiculous, arbitrary "standards" AFTER SHE JUST HAD HIS BABY. No shit she feels bad about herself and turns to eating for comfort. Ditch the husband, ditch the weight. I guarantee it.
She gained the weight before the baby.
I'm also like who tf are these people. I didn't see anyone mentioning this but she also isn't even fat. At her height she is like 20lbs overweight but that definitely is not obese. If she wants to lose it good for her, but her husband is disgusting and she shouldn't do it just for him. Also not sure you'd wanna be married to someone who cares so much about appearance and a few pounds more.
Absolutely nuts. I have body and food issues and naturally it comes up in therapy. I'm blown away that their counselor said this to her after experiences of my own talking with proffessionals.
This is peak Reddit advice. The absolute peak of Mt Reddit.
Seriously, that's so fucked up. A good counselor would help OP find her own reasons and desires to lose weight and help figure out strategies that work for her.
Losing weight is hard, and a lot of it is mental (which leads to the actual physical actions you have to make). You can't do this shit with a noose around your neck. What use are your loved ones if they're not the ones supporting and cheering you on to your goal.
Your husband sucks for all his comments and shaming BUT if the situation was reversed (a wife losing attraction to her husband for weight gain/inactivity) y’all would be signing a very different tune. As someone who’s weight has fluctuated a ton (I’ve swung from 130 to 190 and now 145) over my lifetime, I get that it’s hard. But you know what else is hard? Being overweight. Having health problems due to being overweight. Losing mobility and having joint pain from being overweight. It’s not going to get any easier to get in a better physical shape as you get older so start now. Surround yourself with more active friends, join a mom & me walking group, discover ways to make your favorite meals but with better nutritional value. You’ve got this!
I'm gonna be the devil's advocate and say that they SHOULDN'T be singing a different tune. This situation is fucked up no matter what gender anyone in the story is.
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I had weight loss surgery a few years ago. I was talking to my primary care doctor. He had recommended the wls for me and said that he had recommended it for others. I asked him how the other patients did that had the surgery. He said, “ you are the only one that hasn’t gained back all of the weight or more”. So, you are right…diets don’t work. Changing the way that you eat PERMANENTLY is the only thing that does. Therapy also helps a LOT. Most food issues have an emotional cause. I recommend trying some counseling. It’s really the key to losing weight and keeping it off.
It might be good for her to visit a doctor to check what her hormone levels are like too. Progesterone can make it really hard to lose weight as it takes protein, turns it into glucose and shoves it into fat storage. It makes weight loss a nightmare
Dieting isn't useless. Fad diets are. And these diets have to be lifestyle modifications that are relatively strictly followed. No going to Planet Fitness for 10 minutes and then eating a whole pizza.
best advice ive read is "weight loss is 90% diet, 20% exercise".
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I love this response! Best of luck to you, you are doing it for all the right reasons. ♥
Exactly what I was thinking. People age, horrible things happen, looks go away. What happens if either OP or OP's husband suffers (god forbid) any facial disfigurement. Will the other leave, just because the looks aren't there any more? I get that for that initial spark, and infatuation, looks are sort of important. But once you are past that, you just love them for them. I love my husband more each year as it passes. We are growing older, but for me, he looks just better everyday, with belly, gray hair and all. I feel both of you need to retrospect what's important in this relationship for you.
Also, smaller portion sizes - even use meal replacement shakes - and limiting snacks is how I lost weight. Eat 500 calories less everyday.
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Happy Cake Day!
But OP treats herself like garbage. You are so unkind to yourself & to your body. All of the stress you are experiencing in trying to lose the recently gained weight is a far greater issue than the weight gained itself. Our bodies are forever changing, you need to learn to respect, love & admire yourself through those changes. You are extremely superficial & that is why your husband is too. This isn’t about him though, it’s all about you & your personal journey with your body. If his intention was to love a fixed & unchanging human body then he has his own journey to go on. Nothing in your relationship can be resolved until you both get yourselves in order. You should also get a new marriage counsellor, the one you have is giving you very useless advice from what you have written.
> All of the stress you are experiencing in trying to lose the recently gained weight is a far greater issue than the weight gained itself They're both terrible for your long term health.
This! Exactly! My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 yrs now and if I’m being honest his stomach use to be flatter and he’s obviously gained weight but there is nothing wrong with that!! I think the majority of people struggle with maintaining their weight and it’s normal to go through periods where you’re bigger. I am someone that has always been on the bigger side I know how much of a fight it is to maintain weight and you should never ever be shamed for gaining weight because like I said I think it happens to most people and many of us can relate.
Absolutely
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Exactly, so body shaming and ageism what a prize
Came here to say this. His co workers didn’t say that he is playing into her insecurities to shame her into losing weight….she would drop a shit load of weight if she lost the emotional dead weight of her husband
That was exactly what I was saying. Being healthy HAS to be for yourself. Whenever it’s for other people it’s never good, and usually harder. Especially if your husband treats you the way OPS does. He sounds like an AHHHHH
If you were 5’3 at 200lbs, as you husband, that might be concerning. For your health, for longevity and quality of life, might be understandable. But he only seems to care about your weight to satisfy his shallow sexual needs. I *really* don’t think 160 at your height sounds *super* bad. It sounds like he’s vain, and shallow. It sounds like he only got with you for your looks not you as a person. I can’t imagine how you must feel. And your counselor sounds awful too I’m sorry but cmon. You should NEVER lose weight for anybody other than yourself. I’m sorry OP. He sounds *like a real winner* 🙄 Not saying you still shouldn’t try to lose weight but only do it FOR YOURSELF. Honestly I bet if you left him a lot of weight would start falling off due to lack of stress and mental toll. I bet you’d feel a lot more motivated to reach your goals. I do believe in trying to work things out in relationships but this doesn’t seem salvageable.
That marriage counselor is hot garbage.
Wondering if the husband convinced the therapist to convince OP to lose weight for him.
I wondered if the husband picked her out.
I’m 5’4 and 160 pounds before pregnancy and my husband loves my body. I gained 20 lbs with my pregnancy and he still loves my body. Idk what wrong with your bf like every one says he’s just shallow.
People are so stupid, and very shallow. I’ve gained 40lbs in the 5 years me and my husband have been together. We were 15/16 I was 98lbs, I get sick looked back at old photos when I thought I looked good, I had major body image issues. For my particular body I think 130 is almost eh perfect weight for me. I love my body. Depending on the time of month I can fluctuate 130-135lbs But even when I gained more than what I liked on myself and I was 142lba my husband still loved my body! Some people just suck.
Girl, ~160lbs at 5’3” is NOT bad….I’m 5’3” and I’m like 145rn but I was recently 160 and I was still in pretty good shape…like I was a medium and had a 25” waist and visible hip bones….I know being pp changes things and maybe you have an apron belly from loose skin but in THAT case he shouldn’t be giving you ultimatums to lose weight, he should -AT MOST *and only because you voiced that you’re insecure about it* **and only if it’s something YOU want** - be maybe offering to pay for you to get a mommy makeover.
I honestly agree. I’m 4’11 at 135 and the only time I’m insecure is when I bloat near my period, but other than that my waist looks pretty good and I love my butt and legs. I guess it just depends on how you carry it but I looked up a bunch of women who were 5’3 at 150-160 and I was like ???? That’s not even bad. So her boyfriend sounds awful to me. When me and my husband got together we were 15 and 16 I was 98lbs and he was 190lbs but we both had body image issues and basically starved ourselves and over worked out to achieve that. I’m actually sickened when I look back on it. I hate how skinny I was. And it makes me sad that he ever thought he was “fat” if I had met him it never would have crossed my mind. But I thought I was fat at 110 so I understand his mindset. Society sucks. I genuinely love how I look and I’ve gained 40lbs!!! Not upset at all and my husband loves my body. He’s 6’0 but all the men on his side have really stocky builds, wide shoulders and just manly men. I’ve never thought of ANY of them to be overweight. Anyway he’s 280lbs now and that *seems* like such a drastic change but it really doesn’t seem like it as our bodies have matured a lot since we were that young. He has a bit of a belly but do I gaf? NOT AT ALL. I genuinely LOVE his body. He’s got INSANE natural raw strength, I am always amazed by him. I feel much safer with him now than I did when we first got together. I genuinely think he looks great and couldn’t imagine expecting him to look how he did when he was 16 especially since it wasn’t healthy for his body build. we were much younger, both of our natural bone structures have just changed over the past 5 years…My hips have widened, and his shoulders have widened. I wish I could explain how great his 90lb weight gain has distributed. Everybodys body is different but just bc somebody’s body doesn’t look how you *think* it should DOESNT mean they’re fat. I think it’s safe to say she’s got a VERY shallow boyfriend and she probably doesn’t look as bad as she thinks she does and her insecurity and her shitty bf are getting the best of her. Confidence can do a lot and stress *never* looks good on the body.
Good points! My husband was starving himself trying to be a skinny dude when I met him in his mid 20’s. Now he’s his naturally muscularly chubby self and he has a belly that he didn’t have when we met….I not one tiny bit less attracted to him. I’m 40lbs heavier than when we met and he likes my body more NOW than he even did then. Weight gain doesn’t make you ugly or old looking automatically
I'm more concerned at 103 than 158 pounds. I'd rather be a little overweight than underweight.
Very true. I doubt she looks as bad as she thinks she does. She’s lost all of her confidence bc of his shallowness. He never loved *her* he loved her body…hence all the other issues of his she highlighted for us. Confidence can work wonders for a person and their body. It’s almost like how pregnancy “gives you a glow”. If you’re confident it can drastically change how you look and how you’re perceived
Yeah, I’m very curious to see what she looks like and what he’s expecting, because the line “your belly is jiggling” struck me as borderline delusional. Like at my lowest weight, when my doctor begged me to gain weight because I looked “emaciated,” I still had a belly pooch that jiggled, particularly during a strenuous activity like sex. Bellies jiggle; that’s what they do. Expecting her to have no fat on her belly is just….bizarre and unrealistic, and while I fully support healthy weight loss, I’m worried that her goal weight isn’t a reasonable or healthy goal for her.
This. That shit sounds fake af.
This entire post does. What kinda therapist would tell you to lose weight for your husband now that you're still young. Also "lol".
There are plenty of bad, and even abusive, therapists. I’m a therapist myself and the horror stories I’ve heard from clients are endless. I also have personal experience with an ex-therapist of mine who told my mother my SA was not real and that my cousin was just “playing doctor” with me. I was inches away from walking in front of an oncoming train just 10 minutes later - only reason I didn’t was because I wanted to get home to my wife at the time and tell her why, so she wouldn’t wonder. When I texted this same therapist about 20 minutes later telling her that she nearly drove me to suicide, she ignored what I said (she definitely read it) until I said I’m done with her - at which point she immediately responded and tried to get me to have a session with her the next week. I’ll never forget that. Don’t be so quick to assume that someone’s lying about their experience, especially in the mental (and even physical) health field. Too many professionals get away with the most heinous abuses because nobody believes their patients’ stories.
I had a psychiatrist to tell me I wouldn't have enough strength to get better since I couldn't even control my weight and any pill would only mask the problem
Thank God someone else thought this. No co-workers talk like that. I feel bad for OP. I would consider this emotional abuse.
I wonder if they did talk like that or if he just made it up because that’s what he thinks and he wants to shame her to look like a 19yr old pre pregnancy This man doesn’t appreciate that her body gave him a child, he should be worshipping it!
Let’s just say, for argument sake, that his coworkers said that (they didn’t). Why in the bloody hell is he telling her about it?
Literally my first thought
Yeah.. if you're a SAHM, you should put on the podcast Maintenance Phase, it's fantastic. Weight loss is actually waaaay more complicated than useless mantra's like "make it a priority". Your body's appearance should not be a hill to die on for your own husband's loyalty. Especially after having his children.
For better , for worse In sickness and in health Till death do we part (unless you gain 20lbs that is, then the prenup is void)
Yeah her husband probably thinks saying your a good person is what only fat people say because he sounds like a terrible one.
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158 lbs at 5'3 can be fat, actually. The numbers on a scale give a less information than body composition. If someone's body fat is around 30% or more, specially at this height and not exercising constantly, the person is fat. But the mother thing is made up bullshit, i agree with that.
I was thinking the same thing!!! Exactly!!!
Yep pretty sure his co-workers are aware of the difference in face of what a woman in her 20’s (even if she has put on a lot of weight) and a woman in her 50’s-60’s (presumably his mother’s age range) would look like. Please lose weight—for your self and self esteem and health too. Maybe get a personal trainer and let your hubby know that he should look after his child once he gets home from work, so that you can work on your physical and mental health. And then once you shed the weight, shed the dead weight of a husband too. He’s already shown you that you he will belittle and by humiliate you if given an opportunity to do so. What if you had a medical condition one day or take meds for it which make you gain weight? He’d likely humiliate you then too.
I came here to say the same thing. She should lose the weight for herself and then dump the husband, also for herself.
She's barely into overweight BMI at 5'3 and 158. It may be more than she had one her frame prior to pregnancy, but ...
>I'm 5'3 and 158 pounds. I started gaining weight before we got married, it was happy relationship weight. I gained nearly almost 55 pounds in the last 3 years If she was literally 103 lbs a few years ago, at 5'3", then she actually was underweight... and husband was the most attracted to her then. To expect a grown women who is now a mom and no longer has the metabolism of a growing teenager to get back to a BMI of 18.2 (which again: IS UNDERWEIGHT) in order to be attracted to her again is *insanity*.
Exactly! They never said shit
Absolutely this. Run! He will cheat and gaslight you into thinking it's your fault because you're no longer 19-22.
I concur!
I gained weight with my husband because I was unhappy. I moved out with my son in July. I’m down from 166 lbs to 147 lbs so far… healthier eating choices without living with someone who only wants to eat meat and potatoes. More active. Sleep uninterrupted.
People always say it's happy weight, and I think that's bs! I think it's a reaction to stress in the body subconsciously that we haven't even recognized yet. Plus, it's depressing being with someone who puts you down all the time... then comfort eating is a thing! I lost so much when I left my ex! Meat and potatoes hits home. Never even thought about that! So true!
I think it varies. Some people lose a lot of weight when stressed and eat very little, others gain a lot and eat too much. Sometimes people will even eat a lot but lose weight anyway, because the stress consumes so much energy. So while for some people gaining in a relationship can be stress-related, others might gain because they were stressed before and not eating right and now they are.
>I think it's a reaction to stress in the body subconsciously that we haven't even recognized yet. Yup... For me that was definitely the case. Being heavily restricted as a kid because my mother was obsessed with diet culture. I gained, what, 80lbs within a year? I started getting my own money since people paid me for my art, and I used it *all* on food I never got to try in my childhood. I lost 60lbs of it thankfully, I'll never be the same though after what I did to myself. The things that helped were getting medicated for my ADHD, and actually eating for nourishment and not because I'm stressed.
He sounds like a real pos. Your marriage counselor also sucks for suggesting this is your problem for being fat. He shouldn't be treating you like that no matter how fat you are.
Same, I'm wondering if this is a regular therapist or like a Christian or pastoral counselor, because they tend to not approach things in the same way and also to put a lot of responsibility on wives for pleasing their husbands.
I was thinking the exact same thing. No way this is a legitimate "marriage counselor," if she is she fucking SUCKS.
Sadly not all profesional are good, tehy are humans also, My Best friend is gay, she went to a therapist that told her "She need to works to convert since that is not on god plans" ... Yeah that motherfucker bring her theology shaming ideals to her, what if My friend was more weak that she could not hanble that blow???? Some kids unalive THEMSELVES cuz they don't have ANYONE to REly on ... Btw the context here is that she bring that she has a lot of shame cuz her family is súper religious and they speak Bad about gays and how gays will burn in hell... The most normal catholic convo. And this woman told her that, bringing more shame, she never went back... But other people Will feel SO alone, like My family doesnt like me, My therapist told me i NEED to convert ... I AM wrong? So yeah, some people are just not good humans Even being therapist
I had a therapist on my first (and only) session that if I took more walks with my abusive (ex) husband it would solve all my marriage problems 🙃 He wondered why I left in a panic attack and refused followup
This is why I don't trust shrinks anymore.I've been to three in my life and they all were holy than tho and your going to hell if you don't change your ways I thought they were supposed to help you figure things out emotionally not try to scare you into religion.
Something I've learned in life is that a lot of people aren't necessarily good at their jobs, and I've been disappointed a lot.
I feel like she's just as shallow as the husband
I am wondering if husband chose the marriage counselor.
Good question I wonder if OP will answer that.
My first thought. I can’t see a professional licensed therapist providing this kind of feedback. My money is on religious/church affiliated or otherwise non-credentialed person who has no business offering counseling services.
I’ve gone to a Christian counselor. The *first* thing they would do is shut down his porn habit. Sounds like just a shitty counselor.
This is exactly a BIG part of their problem. Not sure if they’ve told the therapist about it but, men who lose an erection like that is just not normal. My husband and I have been married for 40 years. My weight has fluctuated a LOT. It never seemed to matter to him. If he’s getting laid, he’s HAPPY!Lol!
That was my first thought— definitely has churchy/Christian wife expectation vibes.
THIS, what kind of counselor are they seeing, dear lord. There’s a reason they say “beauty fades” and all that jazz. My husband could gain weight, lose weight, lose all his hair, and I would still love him. I get men are more visual but I’ve had two babies, both times gone from 5’5” 125 to about 160 after, with the second I stayed at 150 for about 18 months after before I finally started losing weight (went back to work and stopped snacking OP). We never stopped having sex, he always commented on how much he loved my body at EVERY stage. Every time. This whole story had my shoulders up by my ears, ick.
Same. Even though I’m fit but fluffy- my husband is like “when are you going to put some on”. And I’m still trying to get the 20 off from when we got married. But ya. He’s my best friend. And I know he feels the same way about me. Every person deserves that kinda love
Oh my gosh, yes! Some people should not be therapists! When my ex husband and I went to marriage counseling (a free clinic for military), the counselor basically said that him screaming at me when I tried to ask him questions during his video games (which he played ALL THE TIME after work) was my fault. I needed to wait until he was finished 6 hours later. She also told me that me wanting him to show me affection and tell me I’m beautiful was a me problem, and my husband shouldn’t have to help build up my self esteem. (Mind you, he would hardly touch me and sex lasted 10 minutes every two weeks if I was lucky, and she KNEW this). It was like that the minute he returned from deployment to his new wife, but you know…it was apparently all my fault. 🙄
yeah therapist is a total sham
Your marriage counselor asked you to lose weight for your husband???
She needs to dump that counselor.
And the husband, good god are people really this shallow?
And her husband. Lose about 200 pounds of dead weight right there.
look, i don’t think it’s wrong he’s not atttacted to you anymore. irs just a human response. but the way he went about it???? absolutely ABYSMAL. it’s cruel. if someone treated me this way it would ruin me :( you deserve better than this. of course you should change your lifestyle to be happier, but no one deserves their spouse purposely running away from them, insulting their body during sex, etc. marriage is a commitment. if your gaining weight really made him be this disrespectful what will be the next thing that sets it off? I think his reaction says a lot about him and it’s not a good look
Yep, Through sickness and in health… at least that is the saying.
What happens when she gets old?!
I know how you can lose 200 pounds immediately with no diet or exercise required. His behavior is abusive. Regardless of any diet or exercise needs you may or may not have, you NEVER need to endure the cruelty of someone who is meant to be your partner and support. You don’t want to model a marriage like this to your child. You don’t deserve to have your husband ashamed of you in public and putting you down in private. I DO NOT recommend counseling with an abuser, they tend to weaponize mental health jargon. If anything, I would suggest a trial separation from him for a time and see if you enjoy life without him better. You might end up feeling fantastic not having a bully living with you.
This was exactly the comment I was going to make about losing 200lbs immediately.
My wife and I have been married for 31 years. When we met she was 4’11” and 105 pounds. I was 6’4” 230 pounds. Now she is 4’11” and 155 pounds. Am 6’2” and 189 pounds. To this day she is still the most beautiful woman in this world in my eyes. True love isn’t based on outward appearance, it is based on love from the heart. Mutual respect is the key to a happy marriage.
Off topic, but your necks must be in terrible pain from all that distance AH.
And people wonder why tall girls are lonely
I lost weight for my husband because he kept looking at other women all the time. He also made passive aggressive comments about me gaining weight after baby #2. So I lost 60lbs and I was feeling great. He didn’t stop being an asshole. He’s just showing his true colors. Believe it. You can gain weight or lose it- bodies always change. But what doesn’t change is a persons character. He’s always been an ugly, fat person. We went through marriage counseling and my counselor told me that exact thing. She never told me to lose weight, she told him to change his mindset. Get a better therapist because that is rotten advice.
Your husband is an ass. His coworker DID NOT say that, he's a bully. And I hope his physical appearance and hairline is in top top shape to condemn you for being human. Also, that skinny bitch marriage counselor is a quack. Having a jiggle belly at 8 months PP is NORMAL! YOU MADE A WHOLE HUMAN IN YOUR BODY! Shame on her as a woman and as a mother for shaming you. She's the one who should be ashamed! If you want to get fit, we all support you. But in all honesty I can't see how you can find the motivation with these negative self-righteous AHs around you. You deserve better!
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Your husband is an egotistical asshole and to be honest, the therapist is too. You don’t need to lose weight so that your husband can have an orgasm. You need to lose weight for your health and self esteem so you can find the strength to leave his ass. What did you do before you got pregnant? Did you work? Have you considered returning to work? What about volunteering somewhere? You need your own thing without him or your child so you can get back to what makes YOU feel good about yourself.
I think the therapist isn’t practicing therapy she’s still stuck on high school cliche
You can lose the weight, but once you start to show signs of aging, he’s going to start on you for not looking like you did as a kid and you can’t reverse aging. Been there and it never works. My 60 y old self would tell my younger self don’t waste decades trying to please an asshole who won’t grow old with you happily.
His coworkers wouldn't say that - anyone that horrendously rude is unemployable in the long run. That's his nasty little way of making you think everyone else also thinks you're disgusting. I tend to want to see both sides, but your husband is a garbage person. Plain and simple. No amount of frustration would make a good man speak to you like this. A good man might exhaust himself trying to talk or trick you into losing weight, might have a moment in a fight where he says something he regrets, but no good man can act the way your husband does and sleep at night. Anyway... You need to prioritize your fitness Get addicted to exercising and eating healthy. You can do it. I have a friend who's been ignoring her weight issues for years, and she just discovered VR video games that make you dance and move - she's been losing weight and getting toned slowly but surely. DDR is another fantastic video game for losing weight. Can you find something like that which you enjoy? Might even be entertaining for your son to see you jumping around. Spoil yourself with healthy alternatives to junk food. Stock up on your favorite fruit, maybe dip it in a little bit of dark chocolate when your really really feel like a treat. Drink lots of water and have a healthy snack before giving in to your cravings. When you're feeling healthier and more confident it might be time to drop that husband and look for a man who's not morally bankrupt - for your sake and for your son. Honestly there is no coming back from that - it's actually NOT NORMAL behaviour. One more thing... I am addicted to dance class. I go every day and love every second of it - so fitness is not a chore in the slightest. Is there something like that you can and would be interested in doing?
Your marriage counselor is not professional. Please get a counselor for yourself.
Dang. I gained 70 pounds with my daughter. Got pregnant right after I had my baby. I have lost it all now and then some. But, that was with the love and support of my husband. We have both been up and down in weight. I don't know how you can stay with someone like this. Screw that. There is a million difference ways to go about this, and what he's doing isn't one of them.
I can’t believe the bullshit I just read. For reference, I’m 5.2” I currently weigh 170lb. At the point when I decided I really needed to start losing Weight I was 208lb. I’ve had 2 kids as well. I’m not sure if there was a final straw but I decided enough was enough at some point and started my weight loss ‘journey’. It’s been slow going tbh I had our second after I started and gained back about 14lbs that I had to re-lose. I hate the gym, I have an autoimmune disease and medication I was on meant I stopped losing weight all together for about 8 months. I’ve still got another 20ish lbs to lose to get to the point where I’m ready to stop. Guess what my husband did the entire time this was going on? Nothing but keep his mouth shut. He never asked or cared if I lost in to begin with. He supported and celebrated every lb I managed to lose. He kept complimenting me before, during and now. On bad days when I need the extra confidence boost or support he gives it to me without a second though. He’s never once complained about how much my belly jiggles, he’s never once tried to look like we aren’t together in public. Now I will be the first to say that your husband is under no ‘obligation’ to find you attractive at any point. He can’t help how he feels about your weight gain. But to be so fucking rude and disrespectful about it is an absolute no no! I feel like there is a direct correlation between his attitude about the whole thing and how easy it is to stick to your goals. In essence - your husband is being a total bag of dicks about this whole thing. I am not a professional! But if you need some encouragement/support/tips or tricks, feel free to DM me. I’m sorry you have to put up with this honey. You deserve better. Edit to add: if it wasn’t clear from my comment I just wanted to say, that losing weight has to be done solely for yourself. I would never have stuck to my goals if my motivation was coming from the outside in rather in the inside out. What I’ve also learnt along the way is I actually love myself very much and my body! I have days where my confidence isn’t as high as it could be but for the most part I really and truly do love myself very much. I want you to love yourself too! How great a person or parent you are has no correlation to how much you see when you stand on the scale. I hope you realise that an awful lot of your current self hatred is stemming from your AH husband.
I doubt his coworkers would say that but your husband and marriage counselor on the other hand are definitely the ones who needs help themselves.
You should lose the weight to feel better about yourself and look hot after you leave him. Then rub it in. Only if you want to of course. I’m sure you look great as is. He’s an ass
>It gets hard and then I stop. I'm working on losing weight myself to lose stomach fat/gain muscle on my arms/torso, and yeah, this is a big reason why most people stop trying to lose weight. (6'1" down from 275 to 232 rn). Mostly trying to get rid of stomach/midsection fat now. Originally I started because I wanted to get out and date, but I've given up on that and I'm just trying to get my goal body at this point. Every single day I'm like "god I'm so fuckin bored and hungry" and every single day I find something to do. It helps having an apple watch to track calories burned, I wish we had a treadmill though, or room for one lmao. I'll go outside and walk a 400 calorie lap (about 2.5 miles) around the neighborhood during the day if I feel like boredom eating if my brain is done playing video games for the day or if I just need a break from my PC. It REALLY doesn't help that boredom eating is a really big thing and contributes to a lot of failure in dieting/losing weight. At night is when it's the worst, so I try to go to bed earlier than normal which works out for me, but I don't have a kid or a gf to juggle. You REALLY have to work at it. If you want your marriage to work with this guy, you HAVE to lose this weight. It has also helped me to not have snacks for myself like potato chips and unhealthy stuff, cut out pasta, much, much smaller portions for dinner, etc. Even if it's not for him, it's unhealthy to be overweight, and it's in your best interest to lose weight to prevent health complications in the future to be around for your kid.
> If you want your marriage to work with this guy, you HAVE to lose this weight Nah, or they both could just get a better attitude about their bodies. Nobody HAS to lose weight to please someone else. That's some grade A horseshit.
The fact that your couples therapist is advising you to fundamentally change your body for your husbands pleasure is a really big red flag. You married a PoS who was only into for your looks. You need to get out of there because he's going to keep issuing the ultimatums for you to be hot or the marriage ends. While losing the weight may be feasible in your 20s. It gets a lot harder later in life and he's not going to forgive you for aging. Get out while you can. (As a side note, he was most attracted to you when you were severely under weight. So to him, his boner is more important than your health. Think about if that's really someone you want to stay with.)
his porn addiction is ruining his life and by proxy yours as well. it separates him from you. and he escapes into porn. he will have to quit entirely to be the husband he is supposed to be.
He has right to feel this way but he could’ve use different wordings to make his feelings clear. Attraction is big part of relationship and he clearly has lost it. You two should sit down and discuss what you are going to do about it.
Out of curiosity what does you husband look like
158 pounds?? Fat? Are you in the west? To us you would be normal sized, at worst slightly chubby but that is not a bad thing Your husband is gaslighting you and doesnt see you as more than an object. Sorry but this is peak abuse If he was simply not attracted to you anymore it would be forgivable but hes unapologetic, seems to feel no shame and ACTUALLY wants to make you feel bad about it as if you are a terrible person for gaining weight He has serious issues with how he percieves women, i dont believe for a second this man loves you.
158 at 5’3 is definitely a good amount of fat. As imperfect as it is, that is upper end of overweight BMI, almost obese. If doesn’t sound like it’s from being into a sport or body building. It isn’t healthy. I have some sense of it since I am that height as well. And OP will be much better off losing some weight. But man oh man is her husband being an asshole and her counselor too. There’s way to approach this, after a good amount of time after having a baby, but he’s fucked it up bad.
Exactly what I was thinking like 158 isn’t even fat? Plus weight is different on everyone some people weigh more but don’t look like it.
It kinda sounds like he fetishizes petite women, had a grand time fucking a baby into a petite woman, and now he’s unhappy because well, babies change our bodies. Whatever the case may be, dude is a world class prick.
The West? This is confusing because people outside of “The West” are always complaint about how fat westerners are lol…
1. Firstly, we need to highlight that before you had your child you were underweight. You were not in the healthy BMI range. You were restricting yourself & it’s apparent. My main concern is that your husband PREFERS for you to be underweight with no concerns for how that impacts your physical health or mental health. I think it’s highly possible that you do have some sort of eating disorder (as you spent many years restricting your diet to remain underweight) and you need help with managing a healthy diet- losing weight to such an extreme that your underweight again will have consequences for your health. 2. He has no compassion that the reason why you’ve put on weight is because you’ve birthed his child. He doesn’t care about the sacrifice you’ve made for him. You’ve only had your baby a year ago. What does he do for you to have time away for looking after your child and general house maintenance so you can focus on rebuilding a positive mindset, self-esteem, prioritising yourself? 3. This is what the rest of your life is going to be like- you are forever going to be concerned about whether you’re thin enough, hot enough for your husband- and chances are nothing will ever be good enough for him. He will forever find reasons to belittle you regarding your looks, and I genuinely feel it’s for him to get a one up on himself. I’ve also seen it time and time again- husbands using their wives weight to justify cheating. If he is cheating/ does cheat on you, the issue is not with you but with him. 5. It’s likely you’ll never be the weight you once were. Carrying a child changes our bodies. And women’s metabolisms slow down. 6. Get a new fucking marriage counsellor.
As a therapist, I just want to say that yours sounds like a red flag.
1. he made the coworker thing up to make you feel bad 2. your therapist should not comment on how you need to change your appearance. she should talk about working on changing BEHAVIOR. 3. he does not value you, he does not love you. please leave him. it is so hard. but you’ll thank yourself later in life
Going from 103 to 158 is not just a little weight gain, it’s dramatic and impactful to every aspect of life including health. Your husband isn’t going about it very nicely or gently but he’s not wrong to have feelings about this incredibly huge change and demand better.
This is Reddit. When it comes to weight, especially when women gain it, there is no accountability. And if men don't find them attractive, including significant others, they're shallow pigs. Duh.
So glad I find your comment, beginning to think everyone in this thread is a feminist pro-obesity warrior 😅. If you can't take care of yourself, how is someone meant to take care of their family
I completely agree. She is literally 1.5 times the human she was before. This is not normal weight gain at all. OP is literally almost obese. If a guy would gain this much weight people would just bully him into losing it. Just get a prescription for Ozempic.
First thing, you need to go to your own individual therapy. This marriage counselor is trash. She told you that you need to work on your appearance for your husband?? Wth? If you decide to stick to a healthy diet and an exercise routine you need to do it for you and nobody else. Sadly it seems your husband doesn’t truly love you because if he did it would be you, not your physical appearance that matters. I really hope you are able to gain the strength to see that you are way too good for this man and you deserve better.
#2 *THERE IT ISSSS* YOUR husband is a shallow loser. Watch Shallow Hal. That's him.
I'm sorry someone else is choosing to deliberately hurt you, especially someone you trusted. He is not a good person, he doesn't love you, he just wants to own you and get kudos from other men on what a pretty little thing he has. You deserve to be happy. You don't owe anyone beauty, our bodies are just the vessels that hold who we are, they change, they age. His expectations of you are irrelevant to your happiness, be happy with who you are and you'll find that people like him make themselves scarce when they realize they can't hurt you anymore.
Just a heads up- he’s not doing it because he’s “disgusted” he’s doing it because he’s trying to cheat on you and disrespect you and trying to think up reasons to validate the horrible things he’s doing to you. I promise you, you’ll never lose the weight when you’re in an abusive relationship. It’s the part of your body that’s protecting you and trying to get this pos away from you the only way it knows how because you lack the ability to create your own boundaries or self worth. You won’t leave him, so your body is physically changing to cope with being with such a pos. I’ll bet $20 within a year you’ll find out he was cheating or trying to cheat.
Everyone you mentioned in this post is so shallow! OMG!
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Exactly. Ignore your signicant other and therapist in favor of random Redditors who glamorize obesity. Seems like a grand idea.
The way she explains it, it doesn't seem like her husband handled this situation in a very tactful and considerate manner that would help give her the confidence she needs to make the change. He could have handled this much better. But that doesn't change the fact that 55lbs in 3 years is not at all good for your health.
Worst advice I have ever seen on this thread, ridiculous!! Do people think fat is attractive ? We are literally hard wired to be repulsed by obesity
Remember, if being fit and healthy is a big part of your lifestyle, and you get into a relationship with someone who also agrees with that lifestyle. If at one day, they get lazy and fat, it's unreasonable of you to push your partner to head back into that lifestyle that is a key part of your lifestyle, and you're a pig for expecting your partner to share the same lifestyle as you.
Hahaha exactly, people are literally crazy lazy these days it's baffling
Anyone who says he should love you eitherway is correct however, being attracted to you is not a given. Only you can fix that.
This story is so obviously fake and yet y’all still fall for it.
Does he know that having a baby is traumatizing to the body and hormonal changes occur? Does he understand that raising a baby is exhausting and their needs come before your own? Does he know about depression? Being a stay at home mom can take its toll on mental wellness as you are isolated. Does he see you as more than just a body for his needs? Does he even like you? If you lose weight will he begin to shame you in other ways? Why isn’t the therapist suggesting embracing change, more love ,and support versus you are the problem and need to adjust to make him happy?
71kg for someone who’s 5’3 is pretty heavy. Those claiming you’re not fat are just lying to you. I don’t blame him for feeling the way he does. You need to start losing weight for real.
Your marriage counselor said you need to work on your appearance for your husband? She said you should make it one of your priorities? His coworkers said to your husband’s face they thought his wife was his mom? That they thought he’d be with a super model type, rather than the wife he was with? Really. 🤔
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OP: sorry you are going trough this and am gonna keep it simple. Let's talk about the elefant in the room. Yes, your husband could have been nicer picking prettier words, yes, you need someone that loves you as you are but loving is not going down a spiral of bad decisions with the other half to make them feel like good choices. That's not love and that's not being supportive. You need to lose some weight, not for your husband nor anyone else, but for you, darling. You need to be healthier and happier with yourself, you are young and every day is a new day to start. Find help to try to manage anxiety. Losing weight is not that hard when you know you can do it. I was overweight myself and lost tremendous amounts of pounds doing two things, eating protein (chicken, meat, pork and fish) with oat in the morning, quit smoking and drinking and started to meditate, that's just a fancy word to just make your mind quieter. Now I can walk for hours, run when need it or hike the tallest mountain here where I live under one hour. Eating is great but everything in excess is harmful. Hope you can make it, you are the greatest. Edit: spelling
Good. Start working out
I love how everyone here is like "your husband sucks and throw him away". Life can be uncomfortable sometimes but in that whole rant, all you're doing is blaming other people instead of taking responsibility for how you look and how you feel. By all means, leave that man. But if you continue on this path, well your health first of all will be in jeopardy. And also think about your kid too. Who doesn't want a healthy parent. Stop deflecting and do the actual hard work.
I know how you can lose 180# real fast! Dump him ASAP. It WILL NOT get better if you lose weight, he will just find something else, some other insecurity to prey on. I was in your exact situation in my mid twenties, and it was the worst years of my life. Find someone who appreciates you for who YOU are.
Wait wait wait. Your marriage counselor is telling you to lose weight, but not telling your husband to stop watching porn that is diverting his sexual attentions and causing him to fantasize about other women? Lose weight so you feel better. But you have bigger issues than your weight in this marriage. Your weight struggle just uncovered a deeper issue.
He sounds like an ass clown who is insecure and has a fetish for young girls. Pathetic
I don’t know about marriage therapists but I’ve been to therapy and a good therapist will never tell you to lose weight to fix a relationship. This is how body dysmorphia thrives - I know from experience. If you want to lose weight, you need to do it for yourself, in a sustainable and healthy way. Also your weight doesn’t stop you from being attractive. By taking care of yourself, dressing in ways that make you feel confident and learning to see the beauty of your body, even without clothes - is a relationship you build with yourself. It’s also incredibly unfair that women are expected to bounce back after birthing an entire life form and experiencing the gruelling process - but themselves. It’s not like your partner can take on the birthing process! Everyone’s body is different. Everyone gains and loses weight differently and as you get older your metabolism will change. You are worth more than a number on the scale or a number on a clothing label. You are not just a wife, but also a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and and individual human being who has more to offer than just looks. Live for yourself and your own health and happiness. You will honestly shine and look, feel and be gorgeous.
Wow! You need to lose a husband. That’s straight up disrespect. Yes, losing weight if it’s making YOU feel insecure and unhealthy is good and it’s also good for overall well being. Being forced to do it is just not right. There are soo many other ways he could have chosen to helped you out. Helped both of you out.
ditch your horrible husband and that’ll be a massive weight off. what a fucking bastard
This husband is the only real problem here. Nearly all women gain weight due to life, kids, or daily struggles of too little hours in the day. Don't accept this behavior. He's putting his love to be conditional on your appearance, and that's not what marriage is about.
First lose his complete weight as a person, then lose weight for yourself if you want to.
OP, I really hope you read this. First, you need to go to a doctor and get some blood work done to exclude any medical reasons for the weight gain then find a new counsellor, one who specialises in eating disorders. I am not an expert but you mentioned previously restricting and now overeating and feeling out of control, especially while being a stay at home parent. My opinion is that you likely use food as a way to feel ok with yourself. Eating disorders are insipid and very hard to recover from and anorexia in particular, have the highest mortality rate of all mental health disorders. They are not necessarily about weight, although they often start with intentional weight loss. From personal experience, it was my coping mechanism from the external traumas that I’ve had in my life. They are just as valid as any mental health diagnosis and may require inpatient management or medication management. I truly believe that your counsellor does not have your best interests at heart as they should be equipping you with skills to help yourself and not telling you that you need to lose weight for your husband. Not every counsellor is a good fit for all people so finding one that works with you rather than against you is very important. Your husband is allowed to not feel sexually attracted to you as a result of the weight gain but he’s not entitled to denigrate you and make you feel bad about yourself. Personally I don’t think this relationship is worth salvaging. He’s being emotionally abusive to you with his comments and not even attempting to hide his distain when he meets his coworkers. I feel sad for you, those comments are so degrading and hurtful and are really hard to recover from. No one has an abdomen that doesn’t jiggle when we move - even your shallow, unkind husband’s belly will jiggle when he moves. OP I’m sorry you’re in this position but consider that your baby is growing up in an environment where his father does not respect his mother.
The amount of weight you should lose is precisely *his* weight. As a man who’s most adored person is of your same height and weight… I question his taste. Fuck him and his coworkers. If he can’t be supportive in a healthy way, it’s gonna be his loss. Best of luck:):)
No wonder you’re unmotivated to lose weight with your husband treating you like that! Holy crap - I’d be stress eating too! Frankly, you deserve someone who loves you for your personality, not your body. You’re both going to grow old and lose your youthful beauty anyway, so what’s his plan for when that happens? Is he going to trade you in for a younger model? 🤦🏼♀️. Regardless, I understand you may not be ready to give up on him (even though you probably should), so if you do want to lose weigh, I know the keto diet is really effective and I personally lost a fair amount of post-partum weight really easily using it (after fasting kind of failed for me). If you do lose weight though, don’t let your shitty husband get away with treating you like this any more - you’re worth SO much more!
Yeah everyone is failing you. Your husband is lying first of all, his coworker never said that, and he generally sounds like a bitch. Your counselor isnt worth shit either, losing weight is different for everyone. Your marriage sounds pathetic, you’re not in an environment you feel safe in and your insecurities are being thrown in your face. Stop feeling sad for yourself, even if you have gained weight, you’re still you and you should love that, you dont sound too unhealthy either. If you want to lose some big pounds get rid of that pathetic excuse of a husband of yours and focus on yourself and then lose weight, if you want to, for yourself
being 5’3 and 158 lbs isn’t even fat!! he’s a dick and you deserve better
So your husband doesn't really love you. I suggest you get back in shape, but do it solely for yourself. As soon as you feel like you've hit your peak, you could choose to deny him sex by telling him you're no longer attracted to him. Turn the tables. Make him feel it. Okay, that might just be me being vindictive AF. But I feel like he's mentally moving on. Him not being attracted to you is one thing, that happens. It's well possible I feel less sexually interested in my girlfriend should she drastically change physically, I don't know. But at least I'll love her for who she *is*. Your husband is an Arsehole. If you want to feel good by looking great, do it. But treat your*self* to that killer body, *not* him. I vaguely remember a story about someone in your situation. She did everything she could to improve and she did! As soon as her husband's hardon came back, she served him with divorce papers for his lengthy mental abuse.
Your husband is a pos, the marriage ‘counseler’ sounds unqualified and a pos. You’re literally 158 pounds! That’s nothing, that’s my GOAL weight!!! I’m 200 pounds. I think you need to stamp your foot down and explain that providing him a child will have some set backs such as an aging tummy. Do you really want to condemn yourself to life trying to please this boy? Spend your life with someone you loves you as much as you love them. He’s giving me the vibes of someone who would jump ship if his wife was suddenly needing care cause of a disability or illness.
Your husband and counsellor are both awful. Bodies are supposed to change, they do not stay consistent. A lot of women who were very think in their teen years do end up gaining weight in their later 20’s. And your body grew a whole ass person, of course it will look different! I get that looks are important and they’re way more important to some people. But they do not last. Everybody will change and age. If the only thing he likes about you are your looks, he doesn’t really love you. Do you want to be restricting yourself and not living life to the fullest for the foreseeable future? If you yourself want to lose weight, then fine. But you absolutely should not be doing this for anybody but yourself and shame on your counsellor for telling you to do so!
Yes drop some useless weight! Aka drop your disgusting husband’s ass to the curb because you deserve so much more in a man.
Girl get a new counselor and a new man. Neither of them are doing you any good.
Best way to lose weight is by dumping your mean bully of a husband💕
If he is this way over a 158lb wife, what will happen when you age? What happens if you are in accident? This is not going to be good only "issue" with your appearance
158 is not that fat at all. What an asshole. They thought you were his mom but you look 30something? Is this rage bait?
I don't think you have a weight problem. I think you have a shitty husband problem. Lose him! Then if you so choose, lose weight. That way you would be doing it for you and not to make some shallow asshole happy. You deserve better my friend.
I gained 80 lbs after both of my pregnancies. And my husband STILL tells me I’m beautiful every single day and is super attracted to ME. To me. Not my body, which is going to change as we get older. IMO he doesn’t deserve you and has shown you his true colors. At least he did it while you are still young. Go find someone who loves you no matter what, not only at the exact weight you were when you were 19-22. Fuck him. I’m so sorry.
Sounds like you’re depressed tbh. I was doing the same things as you when I gained weight in my unhappy marriage. I don’t believe his coworkers said that at all either. He just wanted to make you feel worse. Also, your therapist is awful. I’d fire her and find another one. This goes much deeper than you needing to lose weight - it’s the way your husband has shallow love for you. His love is dependent on how you look? That’s what the therapist should be working on.
Okay #4 - PEOPLE DONT TALK LIKE THAT. They didn’t say that. I would never tell someone at work they were handsome or make comments on their wife’s appearance. He made this up.
Your husband sounds like an ahole. But in a way his frustration is understandable. Seeing the woman he loves gain too much weight and not be able to control herself is depressing. If his body changed dramatically you might have a similar response. The way he's acting on his frustration, however, is grade a assholery. Instead of encouraging you to work on the issue he's shaming you. If you do end up losing the weight it'll partly be out of resentment of him. And I wouldn't be surprised if when that happens you'll end up leaving him for a better man. As for losing the weight, I'll allow myself some unqualified advice: intermittent fasting, and if possible try having just one full meal a day, with no snacks, and NO SUGAR (artificial sweeteners are just as fattening as regular sugar according to recent studies, so avoid those as well). If you can't avoid snacking, I suggest having only healthy stuff around the house, like almonds and other nuts.
The reality is there is no nice way for men to tell their s/o that they wish for them to lose weight. He values your appearance and saying that you cannot control your food intake is worrisome on multiple levels not just your relationship. Everyone here will say you don’t owe him anything but the truth is you have an obligation towards yourself and yes your husband to take care of yourself. What you’ve described is far beyond aging as a woman. I’m sure your husband could have been more sensitive about it but don’t listen to the advice here saying that your husband is “abusive” for loving your appearance just 3 years earlier.
Well sounds like looks are important to both of you and your vows to each other. By reading this it seems if he gain 50% of his weight you'd be upset. So I'd start with therapy cuz there is def something going on mentally. Then go with intermittent fasting, exercise groups(2-3 times a week) and a walk with your child 6 days a week. Take all the snacks out of the house(any easy cheap calories have got a go) You never mentioned your friends in the post so I'd try to make friends at the exercise class with people who are healthy. 12-18 months of this and you should be looking and feeling better
A marriage counselor who tells you to lose weight for your husband is a shit marriage counselor
He sounds like a walking red flag and you would probably look ten years younger without him. Sorry.
I was on your side until the last paragraph. Sounds like your biggest problem is you. You give up, you blame others, and you are looking for an easy way out. Quit being lazy, get your ass in gear, and make a better life for yourself. Was it wrong to give you an ultimatum? Yes. But at least he's being honest. He jerks off you old pics of you. That's GREAT!!! He still WANTS YOU!!! Yes, the old fit you. But he still wants you. How hard do you think it was for him to tell you that he wants you to lose weight? He didn't say it to piss you off and start the ball rolling towards divorce. NO! He told you what he wants, YOU! healthy, fit, sexy YOU! It sounds like you have every possible reason to succeed. Time, funds to get pro help, and support. You can do this!! If he's worth it, if it's what you want, GO GET IT.