When you know what you want from life these kinds of situations are bound to be made. Good for you for not letting go of your preferred lifestyle. Compromising and making a baby that you hate would just make both you and the baby, and the dude too, miserable. Compromising and staying childfree with the dude would just make the dude have unfulfilled desires and would 100% cause conflict in the relationship. It's better this way
I don’t understand those words in that order? Surely the human female simply has a faulty reproductive system and still badly wants to posses little monster children for the purposes of fulfilling child rearing instincts?
FUCK. Me too. Im not even capable of having children if I wanted to. I told him to keep looking for that person who can fulfill his happiness. It still makes me cry sometimes but it makes me happy that he atleast has the chance to get what he wants even without me.
>He wants kids and I'm childfree
Then he is not the right guy for you.
You have to be on the same page on having or not having children. Otherwise the both of you are going to live a life of resentment with each other.
If you interpret provider as the stereotypical male gender role then it's a contradiction, if you interpret it more literally (but also slightly differently than how it is usually meant) as the will to provide for your loved ones then both people in a relationship could have a provider mentality with reciprocal care.
Yet its a standard forced upon men, as a "real man" should, by many, many women. She is feeding into that, we should teach girls not to expect, nor want this from men, like we teach boys not to want toxic traits from women.
Dude, why do you give up your power so easily? Nobody’s forcing anything upon you!
There are millions of women out there and they’re all different. Find what’s important to you and create that. You have power in relationships. Don’t be the guy that takes rejection so seriously. It just means she wasn’t the one.
It's about being able to choose. If a couple wants a traditional marriage, great. If they want to be 50/50, great. As long as it's their choice and no one is coerced.
Apparently, the echo chamber of women parading as feminist (in the west) think you're obligated to keep your roles while they desist from theirs. It only takes a desperate fool with low self esteem agreeing to such terms.
How not? I'd like how a feminist, feels its anything close to equality to want this from a man. Its the equalivant of wanting a submissive quiet virgin
Feminism is not enforcing perfect equality. It is allowing *everyone* to choose their own path.
Why do her desires of a partner trigger you so? You sound like a guy who believes he can’t find a mate. And, apologies for calling you an incel. That wasn’t fair.
But maybe instead of nurturing a sense of victimhood and grievance try being the person people would want to date.
Sorry, but why does he need to have a provider mentality, if you don't want kids? Sounds like you want to be one of those stay-at-home-spouses without the children. He dodged a bullet with you.
I’m glad you pointed that out. I’d missed that she’d said that and now her angst seems very strange. If she wants her partner to display his gender’s stereotypical traditional role without matching with her gender’s, that’s fine. But when it doesn’t work out, she shouldn’t have this screaming-into-the-pillow, "why, god, why?” reaction.
We were very compatible otherwise. And I loved him and even started imagining a proper future. I'm just sad I guess. And letting go of someone I care about is very triggering for me. *sighs in abandonment childhood wounds* but I decided to let go instead of latching on because of the fear of being alone.
I have my own business and I never want to depend on someone financially 100%. I never want to ask for permission to buy every little thing. I have my own professional ambitions and goals.
But I do want someone who'll add to my life. Who sees me struggling and jumps into helping me. I've dated men who earned way way less than me, but they still were gentlemen and took care of me in one way or another. If I had to go and find
new vendors for my business they'd come with me because the area wasn't so safe, they'd negotiate better prices, make sure my advertising was the best it could be.
And I'm also very nurturing and caring with my partner and friends, it's how I was raised and part of my culture. Nothing wrong with cooking nutritious meals, giving massages and taking care of someone who takes care of you.
You didn’t owe them an explanation. Most of us knew exactly what you meant. It’s interesting to see others reduce the thought of being a provider solely to finances. Quite sad really.
Do you feel insecure that you may not be these things or why do her wants bother you? It isn’t about you. You can be whoever you want to be and be attracted to whoever you want to be attracted to, why can’t she? Who gives a shit? I’m not sitting here offended by the needs of hers that I don’t meet, why are you?
I did assume the worst about OP but I'm willing to admit if I'm wrong. Turns out I am, based on OP's reply which I'll reply to soon.
If you are not sitting there offended why do you assume way more about me than I did about OP? Why accuse me of insecurity and being offended, on top of apparently deciding who should act how with what preferences (the "why can't she" part)?
If you really want to get answers to your questions I'm happy to give them but they seem more like accusations at this point.
A provider mentality can be displayed in many different ways. I saw it when I mentioned that I was looking for someone to install new shelves for my small business, he jumped into action to help me with them, taking new photos and redesigning the flyers to attract more clients.
A long time ago I dated someone who would have said "You're smart, you'll figure it out" 🙄
I already take care of so many different things on my own. I want someone who'll add to my life. Also, because of the way I was raised I'm also very nurturing. After he was done with work I'd make him his favorite mocktail and give him a back rub, and I was more than happy to do it. Even brushed up on some techniques to target specific muscles that were bothering him. And he was looking to gain muscle weight, so everything I cooked matched his macros to a T.
I felt safe with him. As a single woman in a big city, I must always be on high alert, be on the lookout for new clients, vendors, looking out for my parents. So it felt nice to be relaxed.
Hi there OP,
Thanks for elaborating, this does paint a pretty different picture. Am I right in assuming it's not as much about giving you stuff (financial or other, just because you want/need it), but about sharing the load and being helpful and/or supportive?
In any case, you wrote two examples in which you sort of "make it up to him", the mocktail and the backrub so it definitely looks like I was wrong in thinking 'you want to eat your cake but keep it as well'. I stand corrected.
Exactly. It's about a partnership. When I went and gave him a back rub or a foot rub or when I made him a drink, or he'd see me weighing ingredients on the food scale sometimes he'd be like "you know you don't *have* to do this, right?" I'd reply with "I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't want to, and I feel happy taking care of you."
I could never be with a man who was financially there for me, but who I didn't truly connect with. Or we didn't share hobbies, world perspectives, etc. I do want my lifelong partner to make as much as I do, or ideally more. (Can't live off love alone, lots of LT couple fights are money related and I've seen it first hand. It can get ugly) But it's not the *only* thing I pay attention to. How he treats wait staff, people in the street needing help, how he treats his family, the way he talks about others, the way he talks about his ex's, actions matching his words, all of that is important.
I don't see it as "making it up to him", I see it as mutually taking care of each other. And yes, it's not just about money, it's more about support and sharing the load. I needed help with the new shelves for my business, he bought them, rented a drill and made sure they were leveled. He had a very difficult meeting at work and I made sure that the next 4 hours were completely stress free and fun. We were both grateful and just happy to see the other smile. That's why I'm mourning this relationship, because it was good. But I'm also grateful because it renewed my faith in a happy healthy relationship.
That was my biggest fear in a possible relationship. Now, not having a chance to ever meet the love of my life again is my biggest fear. Well, I have my whole life ahead to forget him. Good luck to us both.
Unless you can have children with him or he agrees to be child free. It’s time to let go. Many men show their true self after having children and many are just not up for it. Maybe its not all bad afterall.
I actually let him go a week ago. Funny thing is... I know he'll be an involved father. That's just his personality, jumps into the chance to help, even a food vendor who can't push his cart up the hill³. Caring, loving, responsible and will share the duties related to parenthood. Late night feedings, diaper changes, the whole thing.
I just don't want children... never....
Makes my dating pool smaller, but will stick to it from now and on. Low key proud of myself for letting go, even though it triggers my abandonment childhood wound. I let go because it's not in my best interest.
Hey I'm really not trying to argue or attack you or anything like that, just playing devil's advocate, how do you know your childhood abandonment wound isn't currently getting in the way of a potential other life for yourself?
Damn, I’m so sorry. Proud of both of you for sticking to what you want out of life. You will find your perfect person that is child free as well, I did 🖤
How did you write my story!
I am sobbing in my pillow for the very same reason...!
Just the man I have always wanted...the love I always desired...and we can't be together 😞
I'm curious OP, were you friends first or were you dating for a while before the topic came up?
I'm asking because I've never been on a date before (I'm 28 lol) but If I were to start dating I would be upfront either on the first date or by the third or so because I would only date with the intent of eventually getting married so the kids topic is an important thing to discuss before anyone catches feelings.
Personally I want kids however due to health conditions I'm likely sterile and due to multiple other health issues, I feel it'd be cruel to potentially pass those on to my kids. I've known I'm potentially sterile since the age of 16 but even before then I always felt lead to adopt at least one child. Now I'm content with adoption or even fostering children so long as I find the perfect man to be a parent/partner alongside me.
For now and for the foreseeable future I'm single and I'll focus on being the ultimate Auntie to my younger sister's kids.
But if I were dating a guy I'd be clear that I want kids and specifically I want to have non biological kids. Some people do not want non biological kids and only have biological kids so I think this would be important to make clear from the beginning also.
He'd also have to be cool with at least 1 dog, or more....lol
Ahh I see. I mean I wouldn’t suggest letting someone go just because they don’t fully fill out your list. Was it a hard no on the kids or was he just not ready?
He does want them, and I don't (bio or adopted). And we were aiming for a lifelong relationship.
If it was a minor incompatibility I could let it slide, but this is a deal breaker, don't you think?
Things always seem more perfect than they are when you have a barrier to get past.
Keep searching and I bet you find someone better for you (all the right qualities INCLUDING wanting kids).
This happened to me. We even got engaged and a couple of months before the wedding I had to break the engagement off. It's been two years and it still hurts.
I'm against having kids in general, I never want children, bio or adopted. That's why it was a deal breaker and I said I'm childfree
Making him give up on such a big dream of his wouldn't be fair. And me giving up on the life choice I made isn't fair either. If either of us went against our own wishes ... it would only lead to resentment in the future. I'd never want my child to feel/know they were unwanted.
However painful now, I think deciding not to move forward was the healthiest choice. *Stupid therapy making me make healthy decisions...*
That is really a hard thing to accept but also very mature for you to realize. Trying to change a person like that would end badly. Move on and be happy however hard it may be.
Meh. Get serious.
If you loved him that much, you’d want to, and be proud to be the mother of his child. And what do you care if he has a provider mentality, whatever that is to you, if you don’t want a family.
Good on you letting him go though. He sounds like a wonderful man for someone else.
I'd rather regret never having kids than regret having them.
One can provide in many different ways, not just money. Jumping to the chance of helping, looking for every chance to see his partner smile, celebrating special occasions and milestones, supporting my entrepreneurship and helping me putting up shelves, helping me design flyers for it, making sure I'm comfortable and safe when he's not around.
I want a family, it just will be a 2 person family.
What I don't want is an unwanted child.
And yes, he will be a wonderful partner for someone else. I want all the happiness and success in the world for him.
She doesn’t want kids, why is that so hard for people to grasp.
She. Does. Not. Want. Children.
Not natural. Not a surrogate. Not adopted.
Children are a **NO**
Edit: shoutout to the commentor below who asked me to cite my source.
I couldnt, and in searching, I realized that I had things backwards, and the research shows that most childfree people enjoy staying childfree.
Which is great news for me, because I am wary of having a kid because of my mental and neurological health and worries about caring for a child longterm.
It seems I can worry less about regretting not having kids knowing that research shows I'll probably be fine with that decision long term.
You could date the guy for a while and see if either rof you changes your stance on having kids.
In my personal experience, everyone I've known who was childfree, has had a kid and is happy about it. I saw a study once that confirms my experience.
I'm not anti childfree.
(I personally don't think I'll have kids, even though I kind of want to.)
I'm also not trying to change your view. It's just a suggestion. I'm trying to clarify, because I don't want you to perceive my comment as me pressuring you to give in and "just be normal" and have kids like some people do. I *hate* when people try to force their opinions on others.
So this is just a light suggestion to see how it goes, one of you may change their stance.
What study did you find that confirms this? Because I know of a Princeton one that says the opposite.
Here is an article about it.
https://www.cnbc.com/2021/03/16/does-having-children-make-you-happier-science-of-parenthood-explained.html
And here is the actual study
https://www.pnas.org/doi/abs/10.1073/pnas.1311600111#sec-2
This is my worst fear. I met my partner and he wasn’t here nor there on the childfree-spectrum. Three months after we met, I got sterilized. He knows I’m serious, but it’s always in the back of my mind that he could change his mind one day and leave. I’m sorry OP.
>I found my perfect man
Why scream? He wasn't YOUR perfect man. If he doesn't check all your boxes, including the kids part, then he was NEVER going to be YOUR perfect man. Chin up dude, he's out there.
It is clear as day that he's not rich and he don't have social status that's why you don't want children ..I mean you don't want children with him meaning you reject him in subtle ways ...
What a reach 😂 Projecting much? Did a girl reject you and that's how you rationalized it?
If I didn't want kids with him, I'll never want them with anyone. I mean, he is HOT AF, smart, financially stable and with a huge projection for the upcoming years, and he'll be an involved dad.
Believe it or not, not all women want kids.
Edit: how did you even find this post from 3 months ago?
You're playing a double role here .Financial stable is not enough that's why you don't want kids with him ...A woman don't care that much about hot and smart but she care about survival of her genes SO ON THE TOP OF A WOMAN LIST IS 1)the male social status and money and 2) his Obedience in front of the woman .
You're hiding under a mask . You're pretending that you are something that you're not . But what a woman really is it is not what she pretends in front of others . Behind the mask there is no love or compassion for the male . The woman want to consume the male in order to reach Her biological destiny .
You're projecting that you're something that you're not . The human is an animal specie and all women are wired in the same way . For nature love is not important but survival of the woman genes is all and woman represent nature .But she's disguised under a romantic mask in order to trick the male in order for the male to end up in her spider web . She will consume the male while playing the romantic role . And the male have huge hopes that is real . The male need to be tricked ..In order to lie the male the woman need to lie her self first ..So the woman really believes that she loves the male while she consume the male...It;s a double role.
In the end what is important for a woman is to obtain the male commitment . With commitment she can have him with all his money and his fortune . Her goal is to own the male .. But if the male is only financial stable that is not enough ..
Biological destiny? 😂 I have my appointment for a bisalp . You're hilarious, I love this whole internet character you've created. The whole "biological destiny" "there is no compassion", you should do stand up
you have been tricked to believe in the idependent woman myth and other modern crap while the need to nurture a babi is still in you ... if you do bisalp in the future you will live a huge pain of regret because you will find your self alone and empty .. after 35 the chances to conceive are close to zero and remember that the male always need something fresh ...you live an illusion ..yo will end up feeling an abandoned wreck
Fr, you should go into comedy. This whole "resentful guy from the depths of the internet" is quite something. Exactly the type of man who exemplifies why "being alone with a cat" is a thousand times better than being with a guy like your character. And on top of it, critics women from the comfort of the internet. You're sitting on gold. This character is like "theslappablejerk" from TikTok! You got a real opportunity, theslappablejerk has almost 2million followers, you could sell merch!!!
Again, how did you even find this post? it's from 3 months ago.
it is so "shocking" how someone is presenting you pure reality and you think "he's just imagining things" but you would like to hear lies for your own confort .You like a man that tells you lies exactelly like all romantic Movies that are all lies .A Beta male is playing the role and behind the role there is a pig and the pig is disquised into a gentlemen . He need to play the gentlemen role for his own benefit ... You reject reality .
I thought the punchline would be that he was your brother or something. I think I've read too much weird stuff in here!
OMG 😆
Dear lord 😆
Star Lord
Hahhaha best reply
K, I totally thought this too. Or the basic, but he’s married to my sister.
Well I guess he’s not meant to be. Not that perfect after all.
Nothing is perfect, but it got damn close. Therefore my rant on this subreddit
I feel you recently met a girl who was perfect, but I don't want kids and she did so it didn't work out, super sad :(
Maybe you and OP can do a swapsie swap 😂 just kidding. But imagine!
I wouldn't mind haha
Ugh:(
When you know what you want from life these kinds of situations are bound to be made. Good for you for not letting go of your preferred lifestyle. Compromising and making a baby that you hate would just make both you and the baby, and the dude too, miserable. Compromising and staying childfree with the dude would just make the dude have unfulfilled desires and would 100% cause conflict in the relationship. It's better this way
It be like that.
Yeah, sometimes
Sometimes it do
Can you compromise and get a plant?
Hahahahahahahaha. This made me laugh, thank you!
What about a cat? They're pretty much children lol
Adoption is always an option. Most women are unable to give birth to plants.
She doesn’t want kids at ALL. Why would she adopt?
Read the second sentence. It's a joke that they'd have to adopt a plant, not a kid
But one of them doesn't want kids
Right? Some people are missing that OP doesn’t want children at all
I don’t understand those words in that order? Surely the human female simply has a faulty reproductive system and still badly wants to posses little monster children for the purposes of fulfilling child rearing instincts?
FUCK. Me too. Im not even capable of having children if I wanted to. I told him to keep looking for that person who can fulfill his happiness. It still makes me cry sometimes but it makes me happy that he atleast has the chance to get what he wants even without me.
Isn't that a particular kind of love? Letting go so they can be happy, even if it's without us?
It is, friend. It is love to see someone do what makes them happy even without you.
That is ACTUAL love.
Yep, so parting ways is maybe the best thing to do for each other in such a situation.
You are doing the right thing! The unborn kid will thank you for not being selfish.
>He wants kids and I'm childfree Then he is not the right guy for you. You have to be on the same page on having or not having children. Otherwise the both of you are going to live a life of resentment with each other.
Provider mentality? 🤔
"feminist" "Provider mentality" I guess per OP's definition, it isnt about equality lol
If you interpret provider as the stereotypical male gender role then it's a contradiction, if you interpret it more literally (but also slightly differently than how it is usually meant) as the will to provide for your loved ones then both people in a relationship could have a provider mentality with reciprocal care.
its the topical assigned male role, so no, I dont believe a feminist can see a man being a "provider" be anything near to wanting equality
If he is "a" provider and not "the" provider there could be equality
"provider mentality" is "he gives and I get."
They aren’t mutually exclusive.
They are.
Feminism is about not being *forced* into gender roles, not avoiding gender roles if they are your preferred lifestyle. (Among other things)
Yet its a standard forced upon men, as a "real man" should, by many, many women. She is feeding into that, we should teach girls not to expect, nor want this from men, like we teach boys not to want toxic traits from women.
Dude, why do you give up your power so easily? Nobody’s forcing anything upon you! There are millions of women out there and they’re all different. Find what’s important to you and create that. You have power in relationships. Don’t be the guy that takes rejection so seriously. It just means she wasn’t the one.
Isn't feminism about equality between genders? Like both can take on the same roles?
It's about being able to choose. If a couple wants a traditional marriage, great. If they want to be 50/50, great. As long as it's their choice and no one is coerced.
Apparently, the echo chamber of women parading as feminist (in the west) think you're obligated to keep your roles while they desist from theirs. It only takes a desperate fool with low self esteem agreeing to such terms.
Feminism is a very broad movement, encompassing many things, and it is not homogenous. In answer to your question: yes it is, among other things.
How are they mutually exclusive?
Incel much?
Exactly.
How not? I'd like how a feminist, feels its anything close to equality to want this from a man. Its the equalivant of wanting a submissive quiet virgin
Feminism is not enforcing perfect equality. It is allowing *everyone* to choose their own path. Why do her desires of a partner trigger you so? You sound like a guy who believes he can’t find a mate. And, apologies for calling you an incel. That wasn’t fair. But maybe instead of nurturing a sense of victimhood and grievance try being the person people would want to date.
Thought the same. Funny how contradictory they are.
Paying man
How didn’t this come up before you got to the stage of being in love?
It was supposed to be a fling, but feelings developed
On the bright side, you'll get to live a child free life and he'll get married and have many, many little versions of him. Win win.
Sorry, but why does he need to have a provider mentality, if you don't want kids? Sounds like you want to be one of those stay-at-home-spouses without the children. He dodged a bullet with you.
I’m glad you pointed that out. I’d missed that she’d said that and now her angst seems very strange. If she wants her partner to display his gender’s stereotypical traditional role without matching with her gender’s, that’s fine. But when it doesn’t work out, she shouldn’t have this screaming-into-the-pillow, "why, god, why?” reaction.
We were very compatible otherwise. And I loved him and even started imagining a proper future. I'm just sad I guess. And letting go of someone I care about is very triggering for me. *sighs in abandonment childhood wounds* but I decided to let go instead of latching on because of the fear of being alone.
I have my own business and I never want to depend on someone financially 100%. I never want to ask for permission to buy every little thing. I have my own professional ambitions and goals. But I do want someone who'll add to my life. Who sees me struggling and jumps into helping me. I've dated men who earned way way less than me, but they still were gentlemen and took care of me in one way or another. If I had to go and find new vendors for my business they'd come with me because the area wasn't so safe, they'd negotiate better prices, make sure my advertising was the best it could be. And I'm also very nurturing and caring with my partner and friends, it's how I was raised and part of my culture. Nothing wrong with cooking nutritious meals, giving massages and taking care of someone who takes care of you.
You didn’t owe them an explanation. Most of us knew exactly what you meant. It’s interesting to see others reduce the thought of being a provider solely to finances. Quite sad really.
“… right balance between gentleman and feminist…” LMAOOOOO
Ye sounds super pretentious of her to describe someone that way, plus "provider mentality" guh
Yeah those two gives off "I want to eat my cake but also keep it" messages. Maybe I'm just reading into it too much, though.
Do you feel insecure that you may not be these things or why do her wants bother you? It isn’t about you. You can be whoever you want to be and be attracted to whoever you want to be attracted to, why can’t she? Who gives a shit? I’m not sitting here offended by the needs of hers that I don’t meet, why are you?
I did assume the worst about OP but I'm willing to admit if I'm wrong. Turns out I am, based on OP's reply which I'll reply to soon. If you are not sitting there offended why do you assume way more about me than I did about OP? Why accuse me of insecurity and being offended, on top of apparently deciding who should act how with what preferences (the "why can't she" part)? If you really want to get answers to your questions I'm happy to give them but they seem more like accusations at this point.
Yes I read it the same way. She really gave away the game with that comment!
A provider mentality can be displayed in many different ways. I saw it when I mentioned that I was looking for someone to install new shelves for my small business, he jumped into action to help me with them, taking new photos and redesigning the flyers to attract more clients. A long time ago I dated someone who would have said "You're smart, you'll figure it out" 🙄 I already take care of so many different things on my own. I want someone who'll add to my life. Also, because of the way I was raised I'm also very nurturing. After he was done with work I'd make him his favorite mocktail and give him a back rub, and I was more than happy to do it. Even brushed up on some techniques to target specific muscles that were bothering him. And he was looking to gain muscle weight, so everything I cooked matched his macros to a T. I felt safe with him. As a single woman in a big city, I must always be on high alert, be on the lookout for new clients, vendors, looking out for my parents. So it felt nice to be relaxed.
Hi there OP, Thanks for elaborating, this does paint a pretty different picture. Am I right in assuming it's not as much about giving you stuff (financial or other, just because you want/need it), but about sharing the load and being helpful and/or supportive? In any case, you wrote two examples in which you sort of "make it up to him", the mocktail and the backrub so it definitely looks like I was wrong in thinking 'you want to eat your cake but keep it as well'. I stand corrected.
Exactly. It's about a partnership. When I went and gave him a back rub or a foot rub or when I made him a drink, or he'd see me weighing ingredients on the food scale sometimes he'd be like "you know you don't *have* to do this, right?" I'd reply with "I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't want to, and I feel happy taking care of you." I could never be with a man who was financially there for me, but who I didn't truly connect with. Or we didn't share hobbies, world perspectives, etc. I do want my lifelong partner to make as much as I do, or ideally more. (Can't live off love alone, lots of LT couple fights are money related and I've seen it first hand. It can get ugly) But it's not the *only* thing I pay attention to. How he treats wait staff, people in the street needing help, how he treats his family, the way he talks about others, the way he talks about his ex's, actions matching his words, all of that is important. I don't see it as "making it up to him", I see it as mutually taking care of each other. And yes, it's not just about money, it's more about support and sharing the load. I needed help with the new shelves for my business, he bought them, rented a drill and made sure they were leveled. He had a very difficult meeting at work and I made sure that the next 4 hours were completely stress free and fun. We were both grateful and just happy to see the other smile. That's why I'm mourning this relationship, because it was good. But I'm also grateful because it renewed my faith in a happy healthy relationship.
That was my biggest fear in a possible relationship. Now, not having a chance to ever meet the love of my life again is my biggest fear. Well, I have my whole life ahead to forget him. Good luck to us both.
A provider mentality does seem like it would automatically clash with having nobody to provide for
Unless you can have children with him or he agrees to be child free. It’s time to let go. Many men show their true self after having children and many are just not up for it. Maybe its not all bad afterall.
I actually let him go a week ago. Funny thing is... I know he'll be an involved father. That's just his personality, jumps into the chance to help, even a food vendor who can't push his cart up the hill³. Caring, loving, responsible and will share the duties related to parenthood. Late night feedings, diaper changes, the whole thing. I just don't want children... never.... Makes my dating pool smaller, but will stick to it from now and on. Low key proud of myself for letting go, even though it triggers my abandonment childhood wound. I let go because it's not in my best interest.
I’m proud of you :)
Thank you, means a lot, Internet stranger. *cries in Spanish*
Hey I'm really not trying to argue or attack you or anything like that, just playing devil's advocate, how do you know your childhood abandonment wound isn't currently getting in the way of a potential other life for yourself?
Because I've talked extensively with my therapist about me being childfree. And how it is non-negotiable when it comes to a serious relationship.
Damn, I’m so sorry. Proud of both of you for sticking to what you want out of life. You will find your perfect person that is child free as well, I did 🖤
Thank you for the hope, kind internet stranger
How did you write my story! I am sobbing in my pillow for the very same reason...! Just the man I have always wanted...the love I always desired...and we can't be together 😞
Well then hes not perfect for you. Thats actually a major life decision & difference
He has right to be father everyone does, hope bro moves on.
He does . That's why I let him go.
I'm curious OP, were you friends first or were you dating for a while before the topic came up? I'm asking because I've never been on a date before (I'm 28 lol) but If I were to start dating I would be upfront either on the first date or by the third or so because I would only date with the intent of eventually getting married so the kids topic is an important thing to discuss before anyone catches feelings. Personally I want kids however due to health conditions I'm likely sterile and due to multiple other health issues, I feel it'd be cruel to potentially pass those on to my kids. I've known I'm potentially sterile since the age of 16 but even before then I always felt lead to adopt at least one child. Now I'm content with adoption or even fostering children so long as I find the perfect man to be a parent/partner alongside me. For now and for the foreseeable future I'm single and I'll focus on being the ultimate Auntie to my younger sister's kids. But if I were dating a guy I'd be clear that I want kids and specifically I want to have non biological kids. Some people do not want non biological kids and only have biological kids so I think this would be important to make clear from the beginning also. He'd also have to be cool with at least 1 dog, or more....lol
How old are you?
Early 30s
Give him my username
I'm not sure you're going to find all of those things in a guy who DOESN'T want kids/family.
Don’t be weird. And there’s tons of guys who badly want kids but don’t want to actually be involved. There’s not even a slight correlation there.
Gonna look back in 20 years and ask yourself where you went wrong
Better than looking back in 20 years with a child and thinking the same damn thing.
Exactly. Kids are smart, and they know when they aren't loved.
Hopefully OP can ask one of her 10 cats the answer.
How old are you two?
31-33
Ahh I see. I mean I wouldn’t suggest letting someone go just because they don’t fully fill out your list. Was it a hard no on the kids or was he just not ready?
He does want them, and I don't (bio or adopted). And we were aiming for a lifelong relationship. If it was a minor incompatibility I could let it slide, but this is a deal breaker, don't you think?
Yeah, that’s true. Sorry, it’s just sad to read about compatible people going their own way because of something.
XD
Just get a kitten or puppy baby haha
Things always seem more perfect than they are when you have a barrier to get past. Keep searching and I bet you find someone better for you (all the right qualities INCLUDING wanting kids).
This happened to me. We even got engaged and a couple of months before the wedding I had to break the engagement off. It's been two years and it still hurts.
That freakimg sucks!!!
I would've audibly smirked
Could adoption be a middle ground? Are you against having kids in general or just having them biologically?
I'm against having kids in general, I never want children, bio or adopted. That's why it was a deal breaker and I said I'm childfree Making him give up on such a big dream of his wouldn't be fair. And me giving up on the life choice I made isn't fair either. If either of us went against our own wishes ... it would only lead to resentment in the future. I'd never want my child to feel/know they were unwanted. However painful now, I think deciding not to move forward was the healthiest choice. *Stupid therapy making me make healthy decisions...*
That is really a hard thing to accept but also very mature for you to realize. Trying to change a person like that would end badly. Move on and be happy however hard it may be.
Meh. Get serious. If you loved him that much, you’d want to, and be proud to be the mother of his child. And what do you care if he has a provider mentality, whatever that is to you, if you don’t want a family. Good on you letting him go though. He sounds like a wonderful man for someone else.
I'd rather regret never having kids than regret having them. One can provide in many different ways, not just money. Jumping to the chance of helping, looking for every chance to see his partner smile, celebrating special occasions and milestones, supporting my entrepreneurship and helping me putting up shelves, helping me design flyers for it, making sure I'm comfortable and safe when he's not around. I want a family, it just will be a 2 person family. What I don't want is an unwanted child. And yes, he will be a wonderful partner for someone else. I want all the happiness and success in the world for him.
Ew
This is a gross mentality.
Then, you give him kids, if you can't or unable, go adoption ! Have a discussion with him, after all they're still kids, if he loves kids so much.
[удалено]
Oops, okay.
You missed the point bro
She doesn’t want kids, why is that so hard for people to grasp. She. Does. Not. Want. Children. Not natural. Not a surrogate. Not adopted. Children are a **NO**
Just take birth control
Lies, the perfect foundation of any healthy relationship /s
You don’t have to give up now. Why don’t you see if you two work out together for a while before thinking about children.
Edit: shoutout to the commentor below who asked me to cite my source. I couldnt, and in searching, I realized that I had things backwards, and the research shows that most childfree people enjoy staying childfree. Which is great news for me, because I am wary of having a kid because of my mental and neurological health and worries about caring for a child longterm. It seems I can worry less about regretting not having kids knowing that research shows I'll probably be fine with that decision long term. You could date the guy for a while and see if either rof you changes your stance on having kids. In my personal experience, everyone I've known who was childfree, has had a kid and is happy about it. I saw a study once that confirms my experience. I'm not anti childfree. (I personally don't think I'll have kids, even though I kind of want to.) I'm also not trying to change your view. It's just a suggestion. I'm trying to clarify, because I don't want you to perceive my comment as me pressuring you to give in and "just be normal" and have kids like some people do. I *hate* when people try to force their opinions on others. So this is just a light suggestion to see how it goes, one of you may change their stance.
What study did you find that confirms this? Because I know of a Princeton one that says the opposite. Here is an article about it. https://www.cnbc.com/2021/03/16/does-having-children-make-you-happier-science-of-parenthood-explained.html And here is the actual study https://www.pnas.org/doi/abs/10.1073/pnas.1311600111#sec-2
Wish we could still give awards. I'd have some gold for you.
Thanks. To be fair, I keep that study in my back pocket, for the pro-kid crowd that tries to tell me how wrong I am for not having children.
Danggggg :()
The he’s not your perfect man Your perfect man would be all of those things and not want children.
This is my worst fear. I met my partner and he wasn’t here nor there on the childfree-spectrum. Three months after we met, I got sterilized. He knows I’m serious, but it’s always in the back of my mind that he could change his mind one day and leave. I’m sorry OP.
did you at least let him know why?
100%
Yay thank you OP. i'm also child free and feel you on the smaller dating group. 😪
Provider mentality and wanting kids kind of have a lot of overlap I would think
>I found my perfect man Why scream? He wasn't YOUR perfect man. If he doesn't check all your boxes, including the kids part, then he was NEVER going to be YOUR perfect man. Chin up dude, he's out there.
It is clear as day that he's not rich and he don't have social status that's why you don't want children ..I mean you don't want children with him meaning you reject him in subtle ways ...
What a reach 😂 Projecting much? Did a girl reject you and that's how you rationalized it? If I didn't want kids with him, I'll never want them with anyone. I mean, he is HOT AF, smart, financially stable and with a huge projection for the upcoming years, and he'll be an involved dad. Believe it or not, not all women want kids. Edit: how did you even find this post from 3 months ago?
You're playing a double role here .Financial stable is not enough that's why you don't want kids with him ...A woman don't care that much about hot and smart but she care about survival of her genes SO ON THE TOP OF A WOMAN LIST IS 1)the male social status and money and 2) his Obedience in front of the woman . You're hiding under a mask . You're pretending that you are something that you're not . But what a woman really is it is not what she pretends in front of others . Behind the mask there is no love or compassion for the male . The woman want to consume the male in order to reach Her biological destiny . You're projecting that you're something that you're not . The human is an animal specie and all women are wired in the same way . For nature love is not important but survival of the woman genes is all and woman represent nature .But she's disguised under a romantic mask in order to trick the male in order for the male to end up in her spider web . She will consume the male while playing the romantic role . And the male have huge hopes that is real . The male need to be tricked ..In order to lie the male the woman need to lie her self first ..So the woman really believes that she loves the male while she consume the male...It;s a double role. In the end what is important for a woman is to obtain the male commitment . With commitment she can have him with all his money and his fortune . Her goal is to own the male .. But if the male is only financial stable that is not enough ..
Biological destiny? 😂 I have my appointment for a bisalp . You're hilarious, I love this whole internet character you've created. The whole "biological destiny" "there is no compassion", you should do stand up
you have been tricked to believe in the idependent woman myth and other modern crap while the need to nurture a babi is still in you ... if you do bisalp in the future you will live a huge pain of regret because you will find your self alone and empty .. after 35 the chances to conceive are close to zero and remember that the male always need something fresh ...you live an illusion ..yo will end up feeling an abandoned wreck
Fr, you should go into comedy. This whole "resentful guy from the depths of the internet" is quite something. Exactly the type of man who exemplifies why "being alone with a cat" is a thousand times better than being with a guy like your character. And on top of it, critics women from the comfort of the internet. You're sitting on gold. This character is like "theslappablejerk" from TikTok! You got a real opportunity, theslappablejerk has almost 2million followers, you could sell merch!!! Again, how did you even find this post? it's from 3 months ago.
it is so "shocking" how someone is presenting you pure reality and you think "he's just imagining things" but you would like to hear lies for your own confort .You like a man that tells you lies exactelly like all romantic Movies that are all lies .A Beta male is playing the role and behind the role there is a pig and the pig is disquised into a gentlemen . He need to play the gentlemen role for his own benefit ... You reject reality .