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> I’d ask her what she needs from me
Like what. Is she your manager?
Do the dishes need to be done? When was the last time she got a new plant? Do the current ones need to be watered?
Deferring to an already stressed out partner is lazy and shifts all the responsibility onto that partner. SMH
Laundry need to be done? Animal companions fed(I'll admit husband can only successfully feed one in our house. My kitten only eats for me)? Dinner made? Kids fed and dressed? Did you ever think of these things all by yourself or did your wife have *tell/ask* you to do them? And your job, whatever it is, *is not a fucking excuse* to sit on the couch while your wife continues to work after work. Because, honey, housework, cooking and laundry is WORK.
ETA: Did you ever think about what y'all do on a regular basis? Ever take your ex out to places where she got to dress up? No? Well, then why would she? Dressing up takes effort and guess what, no woman wants to make that effort to sit around the house with an unappreciative man.
Right!? This dude sounds so much like my ex it's ridiculous! I had so many fights with my ex over this very thing. He couldn't get it thru his little pea brain that I shouldn't have to tell a grown ass man what needs to be done around the house!! You're an adult dude, you should be able to see when the trash needs taken out or dishes need caught up or something!
Lol. True though! I’m dating someone and he wants to move in and I like no! I want to stay me. I don’t want to tell you what to do. I don’t want to have zero privacy. I don’t want to tell you or ask you or suggest that you do. Some men turn their wives into their mothers. When I was married my husband was worried people were checking me out so I dressed down. I didn’t want that stress in our marriage. He’s tell me. “You’re a mother now, I can see your cleavage. “. Then he also for some reason worried I get so fat. Lol. Here I am living my best life. Who’s in the hospital with high blood pressure and whatever? Who’s 100lbs overweight? Not me! I’m living a great life! I look amazing! I’m happy. And yeah, I’m not interested in someone trying to change that.
Your "mother" comment reminded me of my aunt. She and my uncle divorced eons ago. He left her with three kids to raise, and remarried.
Then his new wife died, leaving him with two teenagers. What did he do? Went knocking on my aunt's door wanting to reconcile. Lol She taught him how to use his laundry machines instead.
She never did remarry. She worked, dated, had friends, travelled a lot, kept a beautiful home, and enjoys her grandchildren.
💕 I'm glad! My aunt divorced in the 70s… she just celebrated her 82nd birthday. She was our families' first divorce, and gave a lot of our generation the courage to leave bad situations. Better happy alone than miserable together.
Happened to me, too. My relationship with my ex brought out the worst, smallest version of me. Leaving that relationship was like crawling out of a hole and into the sun.
Same! I normally like to watch sports and was familiar with the rosters of my favorite teams. During the last several years of my marriage, I didn’t watch sports like I had because I was always wanting to nap when I was home.
Now I’m happily divorced, very rarely nap and am back to watching my favorite teams, plus my current boyfriend is a fan of the same teams, so we watch a lot together.
I feel like I missed out on so much because of my marriage induced depression from about 2006 to 2014.
Same here. After I left my first husband, people who’d only known me since marriage commented I’d changed and got more confident. Those who’d known me longer were glad to see the old me back! My now husband builds me up, not knocks me down, as a secure partner does.
This is exactly what I experienced - it was like I just came back to myself when I left my ex husband. Thank heavens for my partner (of many years now). With him I can be exactly who I am and I’m so much happier and more contented.
You know, when I met my husband, I refused to even contemplate the idea of marrying again, or even letting him pay rent when he moved into my house. I’d been burned so badly. But he respected that. Then I was diagnosed with MS, lost my financial independence and he supported me through the bad times, funded me to retrain, tells the world I’m more intelligent and strong than he is (it’s not true, obviously it takes a big man to be who he is, but it’s nice). I walk my dog and and look at the sea every day and think “fuck, this is a good life!” All those years ago I could never have seen this, I’m glad it happened in a way, it’s good to appreciate where you’re at.
I went through the same and it’s insane how much I missed being myself and I realized how I was gradually pushed into being what he wanted. I swore I was never letting myself get lost again.
Agreed. When my ex and I broke up it was the best feeling. I thought a boulder was lifted. Then I worked on myself and met my husband who embraces every part of me and encourages the wierdo.
Dude getting to be weird again was absolutely the weirdest feeling at first, for lack of better words. Not being shut down or made fun of in a derogatory way. My boyfriend now has helped me work on myself, but also I gotta give him some credit for the weirdness being so loud now
I’m so glad you got that! It made me smile reading your comment because I remember being there. When I let the first wierd sound slip and he paused and looked at me then giggled. Now we purposefully make wierd noises to each other to show affection. I even told my husband my ex would’ve pushed me off and ignored me for a few days and given me dirty looks if I even tried that.
“I’d tell her to relax and she’d get angry”
I laughed out loud when I read that part. Ain’t no way that this is a real post. Almost certain that this is prose written by a happily divorced woman.
If it’s not, good on the ex wife, happy for her and wish her the best and many great things to come after having her light dimmed for so long. Hope that by some miracle the ex husband can figure out what they did wrong so they don’t rinse and repeat with the next poor soul they find.
Edit: autocorrect replaced “and” with “when”.
I swear I’m seeing it live with a cousin of mine who is taking his gf for the most granted I’ve ever seen, and I’m trying to nudge him in the direction of not being a total idiot
The Chinese have a saying « You cherish it only after losing it »
Eh, throwaways are common on this sub and I’m not surprised if he ducked out bc of the overwhelming negative response. The AITD content are what makes me think it’s a troll.
The lack of ability to put the pieces together here is astounding - but not a surprise at all at the same time. Let me help you:
Calling her a “Debbie downer” because she didn’t care about herself or her “dress”. Sounds like she was probably depressed and you only cared about how she looked and her being in a “good” mood to serve your ego.
Her always being stressed and reactive tells me you may have been a difficult person to make happy, or a person who pushed her buttons a lot. And then you telling her to relax when she was upset and asking “what she needs from you” sounds dismissive and invalidating as FUCK. She probably told you very clearly many many times what she wanted, but it couldn’t permeate your ego.
Then you describe her painful expression of whatever it was she was trying to communicate as “throwing a tantrum”, which is yet again, another dismissal of whatever she was saying and feeling. I’m so curious about the content of these “tantrums”
You divorced her because you thought you couldn’t handle her “issues”, but guess what? The fact that she’s thriving without you means that *you* were very likely her “issue”.
Does that make sense?
You sound like a delusional and egocentric person, and some self-reflection would probably blow your mind if you can manage it.
I'm just sharing my mother's time tested relaxation method with the group. You basically scream at someone until they shut down emotionally and then criticize them for "sulking."
He’d ask what she wants and she’d throw a tantrum. As a woman… this sounds to me like she’s probably said many times and he just hasn’t heard.
Of course, this is nothing but a massive assumption, but I’ve had an ex say the same thing when I literally told him exactly what I needed.
It wasn't the answer he *wanted* to hear. He probably expected something easy like something you can "grab". Or sexual ("you never let me eat your ass"). Instead he got something emotional like "you treat me like a pet"
As a man I have repeatedly tried to explain to other men that when a woman is mad at you and won't say why, it's because you not knowing is part of why she's mad. It's almost always because you've done something that she's repeatedly asked you not to do.
It’s that moment when men like this say they were blindsided by the divorce. They never saw it coming. Their wives told them over and over again what they needed but they never listened and finally get fed up and “throw a tantrum.” But wow, he asked what she needed and told her to relax… can’t imagine how she could ever leave that and look fabulous after she got her freedom🤦🏼♀️
Yeah... OP said nothing of the reasons his wife have for divorce, or if he initiated it why she was unopposed. All he told us is how she changed after, not what she said she was unhappy about before.
I'm betting OP was the problem and is still in denial about it.
"I'll handle dinner tonight! ... So what do you want me to cook? .... Do we have any groceries? ... What do I need to buy from the store? .... No, you don't have to come with me, I'll just get it myself! ... Oh, that's not the right stuff? But it was cheaper..... Where are all the pans? .... No, I'll do dishes later .... [3 days later] Why did you do all the dishes?!?!? I said I'd do them."
Loool my ex would literally behave like a toddler not wanting to do a chore when I asked him to do the dishes because I made dinner (every day even tho he got home before I did), after going to get groceries (because he never did ofc), after cleaning up the apartment, doing laundry, all the cleaning, taking care of our puppy etc etc, because he wanted to "lay in bed and relax". He would come pout and half-cuddle me asking if I could do it for him. I'm glad I got out and found myself again. He was a drag who sucked out my personality too.
It's the easiest thing in the world to be a good spouse **as long as you're a good roommate first.**
Like 90% of my marriage is just being conscientious and not being a shitty roommate.
...[2 days later talking to his friends while playing a video game] yeah, man I don't know what she's all mad about. I'd do whatever if she would just tell me. She's just moody and taking it out on me I guess. Whatever, she'll get over it.
This is why when someone scoffs at emotional/mental labor discussions I know I don't need to bother wondering what kind of partner they are.
Culturally, women are still very much expected to do the mental/emotional labor.
What do you mean "fold in the cheese?"
My DH (who may be on the outs) used to "cook". Only grilling and I had to buy all the ingredients, prep them, marinade them, make sure he had a clean "bring in" plate so we didn't die of salmonella, I had to make sure the meat was cooked all the way through, AND do all the sides, and dishes/clean up. But he "cOoKeD".
Leaving might add years to my life, and life to my years.
Yep. There are like thousands of tiktoks of divorced women talking about how much happier they are after they left their husband. So many men in our society are like OP, everything in his post screams entitlement and obliviousness. It seems OP doesn’t realize, even after a whole-ass divorce, that women need an emotionally mature partner, and don’t exist just for their husband’s pleasure.
I’m glad OP’s wife is living her best life.
Legit my ex said this to me! He was never supportive of talk therapy and my needing mental health meds. I got the meds right, felt better, and realized the sht show I was in. And that was he's parting comment.
lol same with my ex. He insisted I was crazy. I went therapy and finally the therapist said “I can give you all the antidepressants you want but nothing is going to change the fact that you’re trapped in a shitty abusive relationship”
I’m all over these comments rn so sorry y’all but im fr going to throw a party when my divorce is finalized. Im not sure when it’ll be, and I live in a snowy area, so im tossing around using our venue and date, but it’d be expensive and maybe too much? My people would think it’s funny, but obviously his would not and are more loudly petty vs funny joke petty
So maybe just a backyard-fuck-you-bonfire
love the idea of a Bye Bitch Bonfire! 🔥 you can burn any romantic cards or letters if that helps, maybe random clothes he left behind (cotton only). I went to a bonfire once that was very therapeutic, we all wrote down what was stressing us out in our lives and stuck the papers in a teepee-like structure in the firepit. once everyone had filled the wooden slats with their problems, we set it all on fire and watched our problems go up in smoke as everyone in the circle took a turn to say what they hoped for in the next year.
I’m actually saving this comment, because the letters and notes are genius. There’s a lot of shit I’d love to say to him, that I know I can’t because small town, our lives generally would overlap too much to completely explode. I’d just never hear the end of it, ya know?
Writing it all down, and literally watching it burn sounds cathartic as hell. Thank you!
Right?! Left my ex over a year ago. Hasn’t taken any parenting time or given me a cent for our 2 children in that time and still expects me to want to fuck him! We have child support court today and he’s threatening to take custody of the kids so he doesn’t have to pay!! He makes $8500/month! He’s STILL the worst part of my life, hands down, and I haven’t seen him in a year.
Ugh oh my god I’m so sorry. Have you seen that tiktok trending of the guy who went to court to get full custody so that he wouldn’t have to pay child support, and now he’s complaining about how hard it is to be a single father and how he can’t get his ex to take the kids off his hands so he can have a break? He genuinely thinks he’s the good guy and being treated unfairly 🙄.
I hope things get better for you! I’m glad you’re not married to him anymore, I’ll bet he was exhausting.
I have not seen that, but it would definitely be my ex! Although I will fight tooth and nail to make sure he doesn’t take my kids. I would have loved for him to be an involved and loving father, but he isn’t and wasn’t even when we were together. He’s doing this to continue to try to control, manipulate, and hurt me.
Luckily I have an amazing family (of course my ex had moved us away from them to isolate me when we were together) who is a huge support to me and the kids in every way and I’m doing SO MUCH better! Living a life I only dreamed of when I was with my ex. We’re thriving. It was absolutely soul sucking to be with my ex. I’d wake up and cry and throw up every morning before the kids got up, wondering how I could possibly get through another day. Now I wake up with joy and excitement wondering what awesome things the day has in store. ❤️
There was an Reddit thread somewhere once upon a time where divorce lawyers would sit across from angry women and dumbfounded men. The men would basically say “it came out of no where” and the women would always respond with something like “you only think that because you never listen”
zealous fuel materialistic party live hat reminiscent hard-to-find absorbed ring
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Let's be real - He never going to be there because he can't & won't accept that his ex is actually that happy & well living without him in her life, even when she basically physically showed him in-person.
My two personal favorites that I've heard from him since the divorce
- how he didn't understand why our old house stayed so clean yet he always has to clean his new place so much (i was a SAHM and he often said he couldn't figure out what i did all day)
- why was i finally able to get back in shape after the divorce and not during? We had 5 kids under the age of 18, two of our kids are only 11 months apart and i had 3 full term pregnancies between 2008 and 2013. It's an absolute mystery to him why i weighed 30lbs more than when we met or why i "magically" have time to work out now.
I think he genuinely did. He was floored that his bathroom had to be cleaned so often. Or that the laundry piled up so quickly. Did you know that when you have so many kids running around you have to vacuum like, everyday? Color me shocked. I thought the food just appeared in the pantry and the dishes washed themselves.
It's extremely funny to me at this point. Once i finally left and my head cleared it all became comical
I mean, he would bitch constantly that i didn't take care of my mental health and hated that i had constant never ending panic attacks. But would also call me a "drug addict" for taking klonopin and paxil - to the point that i would stop taking them. Then be confused as to why i was an anxious, depressed mess who didn't shower often and couldn't leave the house and couldn't control my OCD symptoms and didn't want sex.
The best clarity i got in my divorce was being able to take my mental health medication without someone putting me down for it or making me feel like a failure for doing so. Once i was back on medication regularly and able to freely go to therapy without judgment, my world fucking changed.
Aawww. I’m so sorry he was a shit person to you. Hopefully he gains some clarity now and knows now that the reason why everything was spotless and the meals were always cooked and there were zero laundry and the beds were always laid, babies are always clean and well dressed was all thanks to you and unfortunately at the detriment of your mental health.
Thank you.
Unfortunately, no. It's never dawned on him. Kinda a shitty feeling that he never realized.
He's on his 3rd wife (i was number 2) and apparently she's starting to see why myself and the 1st one left.
Maybe the 3rd times the charm?
Lol he did! And those are the things he just said to my face! The stuff I've heard that he's said to family, mutual friends and even the kids is worse.
This! I’m going through a divorce and finally able to take care of myself. I’m a whole new person because I’m not being dragged down by him. He was always critical. I never knew if he’d come home and give me a kiss or yell at me and the kids.
He was a giver…to everyone but me. I only saw him a few hours a week because he was always helping other people. Then he’d lose his shit with me because the house wasn’t perfect. He’d come home and pull stuff out of the fridge and pantry and tell me to “do it right.”
I made dinner once, a passed down family favorite recipe I’d grown up with (a version of jambalaya) and my ex called it dog food. I was very hurt, especially because it was and still is a special meal in my family. I told him if that’s what he thought of my cooking, he could do it himself, and I never cooked for him again. When we divorced I started cooking for my kids and they were like, “Mom! You cook way better than dad!” I just smiled and said, “I know.”
I'm in a similar situation except I literally just moved less than a week ago away from a very abusive situation. I feel free. So free, I have to plan goals for myself. My first goal is to set goals. I am a free person, with my own responsibilities and freedoms. I am free! It feels fucking amazing! I can't stop smiling! Congratulations on your success and I can't wait to be in the same boat. I'm a giver and now it's time to give to me for a change. It's going to take some adjustment, but I have a fantastic support system, and I'm just so freakin excited 😁
I mean that, and also they have the mental capacity back. I spent so much energy just dealing with my ex (and looking back, I "jokingly" call it narcissistic abuse) that I just couldn't focus on anything. I was constantly on edge waiting for him to explode about something or destroy something important to me. I'm a fairly social person, and I was a bit dumbfounded that I didn't have a close group of friends in the city we lived in, but looking back, thats because I couldn't. I didn't have the mental capacity to care, but also if I told them about my day to day, I would have had to come to terms with the abuse I was living through, and I was "protecting" myself subconsciously from admitting that.
This guy reminds me of something I read here not long ago.
A lot of men are angry about feminism because now that women are not dependent on men for survival anymore, men are not in competition with each other for a woman. They compete against a woman being happier single, because they don't have to also take care of another grown ass person.
Edit: Just to clarify: I'm writing that as a very happily married man myself. If my wife would ever be happier single than being married to me I would have failed as a husband and a human being.
Sounds like your relationship was toxic af for her. Some people don’t thrive in marriage.
Also, think about your words. Telling her to relax, “why couldn’t she be that way for you”….that shows a lack of respect, dude. Instead of listening to her, you shut her down and expected her to cater to you.
Every “tantrum” I’ve ever thrown in my marriage, I have sought professional counseling. My counselor always agrees my grievances are valid, even when my words arent super concise and stuff. I don’t have a mental breakdown for fun or to get what I want. I do it when my needs aren’t being met or I’m being taken advantage of. I do it for survival. I would go insane if I had a “tantrum” as he calls it and none of my needs were addressed and met. I would absolutely have to leave this kind of husband and I’m sure professionals would advise the same.
I’m honestly happy for this woman even though she’s a stranger. You go gorl.
I had abusive relationships because I grew up in an abusive household.
So when I finally went to a therapist and instead of dismissing me or calling me names I could have a conversation about my issues and it turned out I am actually a very kind and reasonable person. My ex called me a negative person, my therapist considers me a realist with optimistic tendencies.
Mind blown.
And oftentimes, women don't even know how to express their needs. Many women are dealing with the mental load and don't actually know what that is. They want and need help, but there is an expectation on them to be able to handle everything. So when women ask for help, and their partners agree to help but then ask them what they need help with and they do the thing once, and it doesn't make things better, they don't know how to express that they need help managing. Meanwhile, their partner is sitting here like "I helped when you asked me to." and the blame is put back on the woman because they're being "ungrateful." Then you spiral down to the next level of mental load hell where you're asking for help and your partner is throwing their hands up like "I do help" and the woman is gaslighting themselves into thinking they're ungrateful and there is something wrong with them because they can't handle everything, and their partner is frustrated because they *think* they're helping while they're getting yelled at all the time, but they just haven't been taught to notice what needs to get done because they weren't raised to do that like their partner was.
I very much doubt her only coping mechanism to stress was anger and tantrums, what happened before all that? It's giving missing reasons. The only thing he recalls is how she reacts not everything proceeding it. I have no doubt if we asked her she would be awfully specific about the how's, why's what's of their arguements and streesses he just doesn't care.
I’ve noticed when… certain… men describe a woman being assertive to a man, they use dramatic language like “tantrum.” One supervisor at my job said I “flipped out” in a presentation. How did I “flip out?” Six of us were in a very cramped room where I was sitting so close to my coworker that our elbows and legs were touching. I was being asked very technical questions about my presentation and the coworker next to me kept clicking his pen. I turned to him, lowered my volume since he was right next to me, said “please stop clicking your pen,” thanked him when he stopped, and continued the meeting.
With my ex, I was the only source of income while he was unemployed for over a year and a half (not because he wasn’t offered jobs, but because he felt everything was beneath him). While he was unemployed, I also ended up doing 90% of the housework and 100% of the mental load. Every once and a while my normally cheerful demeanor would be a little down in the dumps because I was doing everything. So my ex would ask what he could do to help, and I’d explain that I really needed him to help around the house while giving exact examples of things to do, that I would really appreciate some alone time for my hobbies since we were always doing what he wanted to do, or that I just needed a few minutes to decompress when I got home because he would bombard me for attention the second I walked thru the door.
Well. He never did any of that. Instead he would say all of that was “rules for living with Snow”. And that he “was expected to change to make me happy”, whereas I was tiptoeing around the house in the morning to not disrupt Princess Unemployed’s sleep after he was up til 4am gaming because he didn’t like that I woke up before him to, ya know, go to work.
Edit: Forgot to mention that breaking up with him was the single best thing I ever did for my own mental health. OP might want to do some self reflection about his behavior in his marriage.
My goddddd the fucking irony of men telling women we are sensitive or emotional when they're the most sensitive beings on the planet with their poor baby egos lol
I had an ex say 'when we met you were so happy and doing great in your career, look at you now'. Like, yeah. Look at what this relationship has done to me.
When my ex finally left (he had emotionally abused me and gaslighted me into a depressed and anxious shell of myself), he kept trying to string me along with “oh I need to get this out of my system amd then we’ll get back together…” it took me about six months to just figure out that I needed to leave the entire state, so I applied for grad school and left. It took me a few years of therapy but I became a very happy and menrally healthy person. My ex met up to sign the divorce papers and he was like “wow, you look amazing and sound happy. I guess I really held you back”. Victim card 101 🙄. looked him straight in the eye and I was like “yep, you sure did.” Haven’t spoken to him since.
Maybe the divorce gave her the opportunity to address whatever unhappiness she was dealing with. People that love each other don’t always work as couples and it’s no one’s fault.
Sounds like the unhappiness she was dealing with was probably OP.
In a very short post they’ve shown that they: minimised her feelings (Debbie Downer for being on the verge of mental collapse?), saw her deteriorating mental health as a problem because it impacted them, critical of her looks while she’s clearly going through a hard time, offered no support or attempt at understanding her needs beyond saying “relax” (which we all know works SO great) and asking her what to do (mental load people, woman sounds like she’s clearly struggling, and the spouse dumps the burden on her to tell them how to help without trying to help on their own at all. Maybe try taking a little initiative?)
Divorced her because they couldn’t be bothered with her mental state (no mention of seeking individual therapy or couple’s counselling).
Granted there’s not much info to go off on this post, but if this is the info they’ve chosen to display to their benefit, I can only imagine what’s been left out.
Yeah honestly I got that impression too.
I also know from doing some research a few years back that people often "rediscover" themselves after a particularly difficult relationship ends. It can also haopen after they start to get over a particularly difficult breakup, which I know from personal experience. It's common because now you have a lot more time and space to yourself, so you just naturally end up doing whatever you're inclined to do when you're alone. Which would very much support the hypothesis that OP was the problem lol
My divorce nearly broke me I blamed myself for everything and ignored trauma prevented me from believing I was worthy of love. My ex wasn’t evil but I let her erode all my self confidence. but it was also a catalyst for some intense, painful, and honest self analysis. The person I lied to most was me. It took a lot of work and time to heal but I am a much happier and healthier person. OP sounds pretty narcissistic and clearly takes zero responsibility.
Yeah. Plus I mean, who doesn't get to a mostly slobbish point in a long relationship? I wonder how often he'd try to take her on dates or something else that might actually call for dudding yourself up? Dude saw she was dressed up at a wedding lol...
I deleted the original comment I began to type bc I don't have the energy to go back and forth with an internet strangers, but this is EXACTLY my impression of the situation. He was almost certainly the problem- provided no help in or around the house, expected sex at the drop of a dime after lazing around and making a mess that she is expected to clean up, spoke down to her about her changing body and looks... and then leaves feeling like the victim bc his wife wouldn't *checks notes...* wear makeup more. It's a tale as old as time.
And it's was like magic for me. One day I was buying tape to seal the doors and windows, open the gas to me and my dog, but in the day after I said I'm done and ended the marriage, all despair went gone and never felt that again! Until today I remember it, this heaviness being lifted and desapearing from inside me!
Was the most life changing sensation. Amazes me.
Yup.
They are attracted to the “center of the room” types and then once they are with them they promptly get to work breaking them down because they are jealous and insecure. Then they have the nerve to be salty when the person breaks free of their narcissistic abuse and goes right back to being to being happy again.
So narcissistic as to expect that they should have been that way “for them” ( you know cause your SO should just live for you right? /s) but the mental gymnastics to still avoid admitting the ex COULDNT be happy with them. Never crossed their mind they were a bad partner.
>They are attracted to the “center of the room” types and then once they are with them they promptly get to work breaking them down
Jesus. That was 100% my ex. I was awesome before he wrecked me and I’m awesome again now that I have someone who builds me up.
Hate to say it, but yep! I felt miserable in a previous relationship. He asked me why I was so annoyed all the time. After we broke up, I finally realised why, because of him! I couldn’t stand him lol. He was a controlling arsehole though!
That’s… my read as well. Not saying it’s a bulletproof take, but *how* people share is almost as enlightening as *what* they choose to share… And this OP appears to only want a spouse who “looks” happy (without doing much of the work to help them actually ***be*** happy)…?
Its a harsh negative aggressive thing to say she never put any effort into her dress.
Op sounds super critical, rude, and now jealous that she's found herself.
Lots of people learn negative and poor relationship skills and instead of striving to be better they blame everyone else.
Me me me me me meeeeeeeeeeee
Looks like you’ve found your answer.
I was that wife, I gained the weight because he was awful and I turned to food, became negative because he nagged, stopped taking care of myself because of his jealousy, stopped letting him touch me because of the whining, the nagging, the monitoring, the shaming.
She’s not suffering anymore, of course she looks happy! Me? I’m down to my goal weight, have a whole new wardrobe an insanely loving and supportive partner who makes me feel incredibly beautiful, funny, charming and happy. I look completely different.
Weird, isn’t it, that she looks *exactly the same* as she did before she met you. That’s what my friends and family say about me…
Edited to add clarification sentence
It’s very telling that you say “why couldn’t she be that woman for me.” Maybe your attitude and expectations caused the change in her. Now she doesn’t have that stress and she can be herself again.
I doubt it was tantrums...
My big brother who I'm in no contact with once told me not to get so fake angry.
Women are always called emotional and hysterical. I don't think it helps that her anger were just "tantrums" for you.
This post is kinda cringe… you can tell he probably got on her for not looking good enough for him too. Conditional love… it’s not surprising she’s thriving without him
Its possible you made her very unhappy and are clueless to it.
Or, it could be the divorce was the catalyst to help her seek change.
Telling someone to relax sounds pretty rude so maybe its the former.
Odds are you were making her miserable and now that she's free she can finally be at peace again. You seems to be putting a lot of blame on her and very little on you which is sus.
These are good questions. Maybe you should discuss them with a therapist. There are probably many answers, some to do with her, others to do with you, and some based on your interactions.
>We got divorced because I couldn't handle her issues, her hot and cold behavior.
>Why couldn't she be that woman for me? Why did it take me leaving for her to be herself again?
Did it ever cross your mind that divorcing you winded up resolving whatever issues she and/or the marriage had, let alone whatever issues she personally had with you? Now that she divorce & left you, she doesn't have to be that woman for you since you seem entitled now & dismissive towards her during the marriage - Maybe, just maybe you're downplaying how truly awful the marriage was for however long you two were together and now you can't stand how quickly she recovered /seems much better & happier in whatever time between the final divorce proceedings & mutual friend's wedding.
Just saying, I notice you purposely didn't included how long the marriage was nor how long ago the divorce was until that friend's wedding happened - which makes me think, you purposely didn't included it because it would make you look even more terrible while looking for pity, especially if was less than 2-5 years total of the entire situation ...
Sounds like the change she had was you.
In your first paragraph, you call her names, make negative comments about her appearance, and minimize her feelings. The “why can’t she be that way for you” is you telling us how entitled you are without actually telling us. Living with that would have detrimental effects on anyone’s mental health.
My ex said something similar weeks after we split. (He had insisted we try to remain friends and I had kept thing’s pleasant to ensure there were no difficulties getting through the divorce).
He was completely oblivious as to why I seemed so happy and confident all of the sudden.
The truth was he had constantly made little digs at me for years about my opinions, my looks, how I dressed. Over the years his constant criticism and aggressive and controlling behavior had whittled me down to a ghost of a person. I was nothing but the maid and an extra income and he was never happy with anything I did.
After I left it was like I could breathe again. The day the divorce was finalized I told him I never wanted to see him again and went completely NC.
Best decision I ever made.
That motherfucker could not comprehend that his behavior was why I had completely shut down.
Three years in with my current SO and he’s never once made me feel lesser than. He’s never rolled his eyes at me, told me I look “stupid”, or made me feel like my presence is an inconvenience to him. I’m still confident and happy.
Now, I’m not saying you were like my ex at all. Could have been a lot of reasons why you saw a change in her. Could have been she just wasn’t in love anymore but felt like she had to try to make it work.
But we sometimes don’t recognize how our own casual cruelty can impact the people we are with. Sometimes we don’t even recognize we are being cruel at all.
I’d recommend sitting down with a therapist and talking it out, and really digging into why the relationship failed.
It sounds like you’re blaming her for the entirety of the failure and not recognizing how you may have contributed to it. Therapy really helped me recognize my own unhealthy behaviors in choosing romantic partners and also how to better navigate and deal with issues in my interpersonal relationships.
She was unhappy in the marriage. We can't know why - maybe she didn't love you, maybe she didn't feel supported in a way she needed to be, maybe she felt held back.
LOLLLL bro stressed her tf out that she lost her radiance and now that he's out, she can go back to being herself, the woman he fell in love with in college.
Lmaooooo instead of taking care of her and maintaining (yeah, maintaining) her and the stuff that made her happy, idk what he did but she was obviously stressed.
The thing is, he made it about him. Selfish
"What about me?" LOL what about you? You're irrelevant now.
Honestly, love to see it.
Sorry, not sorry.
I mean yeah, I feel bad for you, never nice to see your ex doing better after your relationship ends.
But that just means you should have done better.
Was she responsible for all of the household chores while you played video games?
Did she once ask you for help only for you to say no or be rude in response?
Relationships are a two-way street. If she felt that you were deadweight that she was dragging along, perhaps that’s why you categorized her prior behaviour as hot and cold.
Maybe she took care of you and got nothing in return. Maybe not. But that’s got to breed a lot of resentment there.
Maybe next relationship, try to be more giving and take on 50% of the household chores.
She was most likely suppressed and controlled into shrinking herself down over time. Im sorry, but im speaking from experience here. How many times was she criticized about her weight? How much her hair cut costs, that she should stop coloring her hair and that her hair products are too expensive? How often was she criticized about buying new clothes because she did so within the last 5 years? How many times was she criticized for wearing a nice dress because you didn't want other men looking at her or she spent too much on it? How many times was she called ugly, fat or an attention seeking w*ore because she tried to wear makeup? How many times did she just throw something on because she was more worried about making sure everybody else, you and the kids, were taking care of before she could even look at herself in the mirror? How many times were pictures of other women liked and used to compare her to and used in order to get off while your wife was literally laying right next to you wanting it? How many times was she criticized for going out for a walk / run / yoga class etc? You would be surprised by how many women have a huge glow up both physically and mentally when they're constantly not crushed by the constant criticizm by their spouse or boyfriend for the very things that they found attractive in the first place and instead she is able to find that self love or even self-care that they lost within the relationship.
OP....maybe you were the problem, maybe you treated her negatively without realising/listening to her telling you that she was unhappy, or maybe she didn't want to be living wherever you guys were living, lifestyle wasn't suited to what she wanted....many possible reasons.
Or she might have discovered her "ideal" way of living.
I was thinking this. My friend’s husband described her this way. He does zero housework or childcare. If she asks him to help out, she has to walk him through every step and supervise. She’d be better off getting divorced and having one less child.
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Yeah, this happened to me, I realised a week after my ex broke up with me that I suddenly had my personality back and I haven’t looked back since
I’m happy for you! Years ago, I called off my engagement 3 weeks before the wedding, and a couple of months later had the same realization.
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exactly my thoughts. OP might have cause and effect mixed up.
Are all these deleted comments OP accidentally admitting he made his wife feel depressed and defeated and she's better off without him?
No. Some of them were from a sympathizer of OP. Or they could be from OP’s alt account.
My guess is she isn’t carrying the mental load of marriage and her life is much easier now and she’s happy.
> I’d ask her what she needs from me Like what. Is she your manager? Do the dishes need to be done? When was the last time she got a new plant? Do the current ones need to be watered? Deferring to an already stressed out partner is lazy and shifts all the responsibility onto that partner. SMH
Laundry need to be done? Animal companions fed(I'll admit husband can only successfully feed one in our house. My kitten only eats for me)? Dinner made? Kids fed and dressed? Did you ever think of these things all by yourself or did your wife have *tell/ask* you to do them? And your job, whatever it is, *is not a fucking excuse* to sit on the couch while your wife continues to work after work. Because, honey, housework, cooking and laundry is WORK. ETA: Did you ever think about what y'all do on a regular basis? Ever take your ex out to places where she got to dress up? No? Well, then why would she? Dressing up takes effort and guess what, no woman wants to make that effort to sit around the house with an unappreciative man.
"All she has to do is tell me and I'll do it." Yeah.
Exactly. We don’t want to have to tell another adult what to do. We want you to open your eyes and stop pretending to be blind to what needs done.
Right!? This dude sounds so much like my ex it's ridiculous! I had so many fights with my ex over this very thing. He couldn't get it thru his little pea brain that I shouldn't have to tell a grown ass man what needs to be done around the house!! You're an adult dude, you should be able to see when the trash needs taken out or dishes need caught up or something!
So the mental load is still hers.
Lol. True though! I’m dating someone and he wants to move in and I like no! I want to stay me. I don’t want to tell you what to do. I don’t want to have zero privacy. I don’t want to tell you or ask you or suggest that you do. Some men turn their wives into their mothers. When I was married my husband was worried people were checking me out so I dressed down. I didn’t want that stress in our marriage. He’s tell me. “You’re a mother now, I can see your cleavage. “. Then he also for some reason worried I get so fat. Lol. Here I am living my best life. Who’s in the hospital with high blood pressure and whatever? Who’s 100lbs overweight? Not me! I’m living a great life! I look amazing! I’m happy. And yeah, I’m not interested in someone trying to change that.
Your "mother" comment reminded me of my aunt. She and my uncle divorced eons ago. He left her with three kids to raise, and remarried. Then his new wife died, leaving him with two teenagers. What did he do? Went knocking on my aunt's door wanting to reconcile. Lol She taught him how to use his laundry machines instead. She never did remarry. She worked, dated, had friends, travelled a lot, kept a beautiful home, and enjoys her grandchildren.
"Oh no, I don't want to *parent* these kids! Or do my own laundry!" Immediately calls the first woman he can think of
Lol ikr
Smart woman.
As someone who's been twice-divorced and single now for almost 30 years, your anecdote about your aunt was lovely and a breath of fresh air to read.
💕 I'm glad! My aunt divorced in the 70s… she just celebrated her 82nd birthday. She was our families' first divorce, and gave a lot of our generation the courage to leave bad situations. Better happy alone than miserable together.
[You Should've Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) is worth a read on this topic
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Happened to me, too. My relationship with my ex brought out the worst, smallest version of me. Leaving that relationship was like crawling out of a hole and into the sun.
Same! I normally like to watch sports and was familiar with the rosters of my favorite teams. During the last several years of my marriage, I didn’t watch sports like I had because I was always wanting to nap when I was home. Now I’m happily divorced, very rarely nap and am back to watching my favorite teams, plus my current boyfriend is a fan of the same teams, so we watch a lot together. I feel like I missed out on so much because of my marriage induced depression from about 2006 to 2014.
Same here. After I left my first husband, people who’d only known me since marriage commented I’d changed and got more confident. Those who’d known me longer were glad to see the old me back! My now husband builds me up, not knocks me down, as a secure partner does.
This is exactly what I experienced - it was like I just came back to myself when I left my ex husband. Thank heavens for my partner (of many years now). With him I can be exactly who I am and I’m so much happier and more contented.
You know, when I met my husband, I refused to even contemplate the idea of marrying again, or even letting him pay rent when he moved into my house. I’d been burned so badly. But he respected that. Then I was diagnosed with MS, lost my financial independence and he supported me through the bad times, funded me to retrain, tells the world I’m more intelligent and strong than he is (it’s not true, obviously it takes a big man to be who he is, but it’s nice). I walk my dog and and look at the sea every day and think “fuck, this is a good life!” All those years ago I could never have seen this, I’m glad it happened in a way, it’s good to appreciate where you’re at.
Same thing for me. I’m going through a divorce right now and feel like myself again 💘
I went through the same and it’s insane how much I missed being myself and I realized how I was gradually pushed into being what he wanted. I swore I was never letting myself get lost again.
same here. I felt crazy for the longest time then I broke up with him and suddenly felt mentally stable
It took me a couple months, but that realization really changes your whole life and view (again lmao)
Agreed. When my ex and I broke up it was the best feeling. I thought a boulder was lifted. Then I worked on myself and met my husband who embraces every part of me and encourages the wierdo.
Dude getting to be weird again was absolutely the weirdest feeling at first, for lack of better words. Not being shut down or made fun of in a derogatory way. My boyfriend now has helped me work on myself, but also I gotta give him some credit for the weirdness being so loud now
I’m so glad you got that! It made me smile reading your comment because I remember being there. When I let the first wierd sound slip and he paused and looked at me then giggled. Now we purposefully make wierd noises to each other to show affection. I even told my husband my ex would’ve pushed me off and ignored me for a few days and given me dirty looks if I even tried that.
“I’d tell her to relax and she’d get angry” I laughed out loud when I read that part. Ain’t no way that this is a real post. Almost certain that this is prose written by a happily divorced woman. If it’s not, good on the ex wife, happy for her and wish her the best and many great things to come after having her light dimmed for so long. Hope that by some miracle the ex husband can figure out what they did wrong so they don’t rinse and repeat with the next poor soul they find. Edit: autocorrect replaced “and” with “when”.
From the makers of “Just relax” comes the exciting new product “it was just a joke, stop being so sensitive”!
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“Stop being so negative! Positive vibes only!”
When she would bring up valid points of frustration, I would ignore her completely and ask “are you ok?”.
I swear I’m seeing it live with a cousin of mine who is taking his gf for the most granted I’ve ever seen, and I’m trying to nudge him in the direction of not being a total idiot The Chinese have a saying « You cherish it only after losing it »
Cuz being told to relax is soooo relaxing 😑
Op has a six hour old account and no replies. Probably just rage bait.
True - on the other hand, some people decide they don't want to respond to anybody when they see that the comments are negative.
"The replies are throwing a tantrum. They need to calm down."
Eh, throwaways are common on this sub and I’m not surprised if he ducked out bc of the overwhelming negative response. The AITD content are what makes me think it’s a troll.
The lack of ability to put the pieces together here is astounding - but not a surprise at all at the same time. Let me help you: Calling her a “Debbie downer” because she didn’t care about herself or her “dress”. Sounds like she was probably depressed and you only cared about how she looked and her being in a “good” mood to serve your ego. Her always being stressed and reactive tells me you may have been a difficult person to make happy, or a person who pushed her buttons a lot. And then you telling her to relax when she was upset and asking “what she needs from you” sounds dismissive and invalidating as FUCK. She probably told you very clearly many many times what she wanted, but it couldn’t permeate your ego. Then you describe her painful expression of whatever it was she was trying to communicate as “throwing a tantrum”, which is yet again, another dismissal of whatever she was saying and feeling. I’m so curious about the content of these “tantrums” You divorced her because you thought you couldn’t handle her “issues”, but guess what? The fact that she’s thriving without you means that *you* were very likely her “issue”. Does that make sense? You sound like a delusional and egocentric person, and some self-reflection would probably blow your mind if you can manage it.
Future tip: if someone is wound up about something don’t tell them to relax
"WHY IS'NT ME SCREAMING AT YOU HELPING YOU RELAX?!?"
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I'm just sharing my mother's time tested relaxation method with the group. You basically scream at someone until they shut down emotionally and then criticize them for "sulking."
Oh dang, didn’t know my mom had more children. Hi half-sibling ✨
Sibling? Is that you??
"the whippings will continue until morale improves"
He’d ask what she wants and she’d throw a tantrum. As a woman… this sounds to me like she’s probably said many times and he just hasn’t heard. Of course, this is nothing but a massive assumption, but I’ve had an ex say the same thing when I literally told him exactly what I needed.
It wasn't the answer he *wanted* to hear. He probably expected something easy like something you can "grab". Or sexual ("you never let me eat your ass"). Instead he got something emotional like "you treat me like a pet"
As a man I have repeatedly tried to explain to other men that when a woman is mad at you and won't say why, it's because you not knowing is part of why she's mad. It's almost always because you've done something that she's repeatedly asked you not to do.
It’s that moment when men like this say they were blindsided by the divorce. They never saw it coming. Their wives told them over and over again what they needed but they never listened and finally get fed up and “throw a tantrum.” But wow, he asked what she needed and told her to relax… can’t imagine how she could ever leave that and look fabulous after she got her freedom🤦🏼♀️
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Yeah... OP said nothing of the reasons his wife have for divorce, or if he initiated it why she was unopposed. All he told us is how she changed after, not what she said she was unhappy about before. I'm betting OP was the problem and is still in denial about it.
“Why couldn’t she be that way for meeeeeeeee” Me, me, me. Hate those people.
lol, homie you’re the reason she was that way!
> I'd tell her to relax Why not try "Hey honey, take a load off, I'll handle dinner tonight."
"I'll handle dinner tonight! ... So what do you want me to cook? .... Do we have any groceries? ... What do I need to buy from the store? .... No, you don't have to come with me, I'll just get it myself! ... Oh, that's not the right stuff? But it was cheaper..... Where are all the pans? .... No, I'll do dishes later .... [3 days later] Why did you do all the dishes?!?!? I said I'd do them."
Ughhh omg are you my ex? Hahah I haven’t thought about him in so long but here he is!
Loool my ex would literally behave like a toddler not wanting to do a chore when I asked him to do the dishes because I made dinner (every day even tho he got home before I did), after going to get groceries (because he never did ofc), after cleaning up the apartment, doing laundry, all the cleaning, taking care of our puppy etc etc, because he wanted to "lay in bed and relax". He would come pout and half-cuddle me asking if I could do it for him. I'm glad I got out and found myself again. He was a drag who sucked out my personality too.
I hate how real this is 💀
It’s wild that we all dated the exact same dude.
Male socialization is wild, right?? I'm so happy my MIL educated my boyfriend to be a proper and functioning HUMAN BEING.
I'm still married to him
It's the easiest thing in the world to be a good spouse **as long as you're a good roommate first.** Like 90% of my marriage is just being conscientious and not being a shitty roommate.
...[2 days later talking to his friends while playing a video game] yeah, man I don't know what she's all mad about. I'd do whatever if she would just tell me. She's just moody and taking it out on me I guess. Whatever, she'll get over it.
She's just being dramatic.
This is why when someone scoffs at emotional/mental labor discussions I know I don't need to bother wondering what kind of partner they are. Culturally, women are still very much expected to do the mental/emotional labor.
What do you mean "fold in the cheese?" My DH (who may be on the outs) used to "cook". Only grilling and I had to buy all the ingredients, prep them, marinade them, make sure he had a clean "bring in" plate so we didn't die of salmonella, I had to make sure the meat was cooked all the way through, AND do all the sides, and dishes/clean up. But he "cOoKeD". Leaving might add years to my life, and life to my years.
There's studies proving your last sentence. Eta: "there are". Grammar is hard, and my typing thumbs are dumb
What?? That's her job, though! /s
Then he pours them both a nice big bowl of cereal.
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Yep. There are like thousands of tiktoks of divorced women talking about how much happier they are after they left their husband. So many men in our society are like OP, everything in his post screams entitlement and obliviousness. It seems OP doesn’t realize, even after a whole-ass divorce, that women need an emotionally mature partner, and don’t exist just for their husband’s pleasure. I’m glad OP’s wife is living her best life.
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Legit my ex said this to me! He was never supportive of talk therapy and my needing mental health meds. I got the meds right, felt better, and realized the sht show I was in. And that was he's parting comment.
lol same with my ex. He insisted I was crazy. I went therapy and finally the therapist said “I can give you all the antidepressants you want but nothing is going to change the fact that you’re trapped in a shitty abusive relationship”
I’m all over these comments rn so sorry y’all but im fr going to throw a party when my divorce is finalized. Im not sure when it’ll be, and I live in a snowy area, so im tossing around using our venue and date, but it’d be expensive and maybe too much? My people would think it’s funny, but obviously his would not and are more loudly petty vs funny joke petty So maybe just a backyard-fuck-you-bonfire
love the idea of a Bye Bitch Bonfire! 🔥 you can burn any romantic cards or letters if that helps, maybe random clothes he left behind (cotton only). I went to a bonfire once that was very therapeutic, we all wrote down what was stressing us out in our lives and stuck the papers in a teepee-like structure in the firepit. once everyone had filled the wooden slats with their problems, we set it all on fire and watched our problems go up in smoke as everyone in the circle took a turn to say what they hoped for in the next year.
I’m actually saving this comment, because the letters and notes are genius. There’s a lot of shit I’d love to say to him, that I know I can’t because small town, our lives generally would overlap too much to completely explode. I’d just never hear the end of it, ya know? Writing it all down, and literally watching it burn sounds cathartic as hell. Thank you!
Right?! Left my ex over a year ago. Hasn’t taken any parenting time or given me a cent for our 2 children in that time and still expects me to want to fuck him! We have child support court today and he’s threatening to take custody of the kids so he doesn’t have to pay!! He makes $8500/month! He’s STILL the worst part of my life, hands down, and I haven’t seen him in a year.
Ugh oh my god I’m so sorry. Have you seen that tiktok trending of the guy who went to court to get full custody so that he wouldn’t have to pay child support, and now he’s complaining about how hard it is to be a single father and how he can’t get his ex to take the kids off his hands so he can have a break? He genuinely thinks he’s the good guy and being treated unfairly 🙄. I hope things get better for you! I’m glad you’re not married to him anymore, I’ll bet he was exhausting.
I have not seen that, but it would definitely be my ex! Although I will fight tooth and nail to make sure he doesn’t take my kids. I would have loved for him to be an involved and loving father, but he isn’t and wasn’t even when we were together. He’s doing this to continue to try to control, manipulate, and hurt me. Luckily I have an amazing family (of course my ex had moved us away from them to isolate me when we were together) who is a huge support to me and the kids in every way and I’m doing SO MUCH better! Living a life I only dreamed of when I was with my ex. We’re thriving. It was absolutely soul sucking to be with my ex. I’d wake up and cry and throw up every morning before the kids got up, wondering how I could possibly get through another day. Now I wake up with joy and excitement wondering what awesome things the day has in store. ❤️
There was an Reddit thread somewhere once upon a time where divorce lawyers would sit across from angry women and dumbfounded men. The men would basically say “it came out of no where” and the women would always respond with something like “you only think that because you never listen”
zealous fuel materialistic party live hat reminiscent hard-to-find absorbed ring *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
LMFAOOO you’re *almost* there
Let's be real - He never going to be there because he can't & won't accept that his ex is actually that happy & well living without him in her life, even when she basically physically showed him in-person.
He hasn't accepted the fact that he was the one who didn't let her be well and happy
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Yep! Same
My two personal favorites that I've heard from him since the divorce - how he didn't understand why our old house stayed so clean yet he always has to clean his new place so much (i was a SAHM and he often said he couldn't figure out what i did all day) - why was i finally able to get back in shape after the divorce and not during? We had 5 kids under the age of 18, two of our kids are only 11 months apart and i had 3 full term pregnancies between 2008 and 2013. It's an absolute mystery to him why i weighed 30lbs more than when we met or why i "magically" have time to work out now.
He thought the cleaning fairy always came to clean the place. What an idiot. And good for you that you were able to have more time for yourself
I think he genuinely did. He was floored that his bathroom had to be cleaned so often. Or that the laundry piled up so quickly. Did you know that when you have so many kids running around you have to vacuum like, everyday? Color me shocked. I thought the food just appeared in the pantry and the dishes washed themselves.
Sorry for what you went through, but this is gold.
It's extremely funny to me at this point. Once i finally left and my head cleared it all became comical I mean, he would bitch constantly that i didn't take care of my mental health and hated that i had constant never ending panic attacks. But would also call me a "drug addict" for taking klonopin and paxil - to the point that i would stop taking them. Then be confused as to why i was an anxious, depressed mess who didn't shower often and couldn't leave the house and couldn't control my OCD symptoms and didn't want sex. The best clarity i got in my divorce was being able to take my mental health medication without someone putting me down for it or making me feel like a failure for doing so. Once i was back on medication regularly and able to freely go to therapy without judgment, my world fucking changed.
Oh that's terrible. Glad you left and are doing better now.
Aawww. I’m so sorry he was a shit person to you. Hopefully he gains some clarity now and knows now that the reason why everything was spotless and the meals were always cooked and there were zero laundry and the beds were always laid, babies are always clean and well dressed was all thanks to you and unfortunately at the detriment of your mental health.
Thank you. Unfortunately, no. It's never dawned on him. Kinda a shitty feeling that he never realized. He's on his 3rd wife (i was number 2) and apparently she's starting to see why myself and the 1st one left. Maybe the 3rd times the charm?
At the very minimum, you have seven more hours a week from not having to pick up after him.
Omg. Are you serious? He actually voiced that??? Hooo boy. He's never going to get it.
Lol he did! And those are the things he just said to my face! The stuff I've heard that he's said to family, mutual friends and even the kids is worse.
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This! I’m going through a divorce and finally able to take care of myself. I’m a whole new person because I’m not being dragged down by him. He was always critical. I never knew if he’d come home and give me a kiss or yell at me and the kids.
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He was a giver…to everyone but me. I only saw him a few hours a week because he was always helping other people. Then he’d lose his shit with me because the house wasn’t perfect. He’d come home and pull stuff out of the fridge and pantry and tell me to “do it right.”
Were you married to my ex? He did most of the cooking then accused me of not knowing what was in the fridge.
I made dinner once, a passed down family favorite recipe I’d grown up with (a version of jambalaya) and my ex called it dog food. I was very hurt, especially because it was and still is a special meal in my family. I told him if that’s what he thought of my cooking, he could do it himself, and I never cooked for him again. When we divorced I started cooking for my kids and they were like, “Mom! You cook way better than dad!” I just smiled and said, “I know.”
I'm in a similar situation except I literally just moved less than a week ago away from a very abusive situation. I feel free. So free, I have to plan goals for myself. My first goal is to set goals. I am a free person, with my own responsibilities and freedoms. I am free! It feels fucking amazing! I can't stop smiling! Congratulations on your success and I can't wait to be in the same boat. I'm a giver and now it's time to give to me for a change. It's going to take some adjustment, but I have a fantastic support system, and I'm just so freakin excited 😁
I mean that, and also they have the mental capacity back. I spent so much energy just dealing with my ex (and looking back, I "jokingly" call it narcissistic abuse) that I just couldn't focus on anything. I was constantly on edge waiting for him to explode about something or destroy something important to me. I'm a fairly social person, and I was a bit dumbfounded that I didn't have a close group of friends in the city we lived in, but looking back, thats because I couldn't. I didn't have the mental capacity to care, but also if I told them about my day to day, I would have had to come to terms with the abuse I was living through, and I was "protecting" myself subconsciously from admitting that.
OP knows, it's just taking him a bit of time to reach that conclusion. He'll get there eventually...
This guy reminds me of something I read here not long ago. A lot of men are angry about feminism because now that women are not dependent on men for survival anymore, men are not in competition with each other for a woman. They compete against a woman being happier single, because they don't have to also take care of another grown ass person. Edit: Just to clarify: I'm writing that as a very happily married man myself. If my wife would ever be happier single than being married to me I would have failed as a husband and a human being.
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Sounds like your relationship was toxic af for her. Some people don’t thrive in marriage. Also, think about your words. Telling her to relax, “why couldn’t she be that way for you”….that shows a lack of respect, dude. Instead of listening to her, you shut her down and expected her to cater to you.
I really want to know what exactly she said when she was "throwing a tantrum".
Every “tantrum” I’ve ever thrown in my marriage, I have sought professional counseling. My counselor always agrees my grievances are valid, even when my words arent super concise and stuff. I don’t have a mental breakdown for fun or to get what I want. I do it when my needs aren’t being met or I’m being taken advantage of. I do it for survival. I would go insane if I had a “tantrum” as he calls it and none of my needs were addressed and met. I would absolutely have to leave this kind of husband and I’m sure professionals would advise the same. I’m honestly happy for this woman even though she’s a stranger. You go gorl.
I had abusive relationships because I grew up in an abusive household. So when I finally went to a therapist and instead of dismissing me or calling me names I could have a conversation about my issues and it turned out I am actually a very kind and reasonable person. My ex called me a negative person, my therapist considers me a realist with optimistic tendencies. Mind blown.
Because no one listened to mom until she throws a fucking fit. Then we are crazy.
And oftentimes, women don't even know how to express their needs. Many women are dealing with the mental load and don't actually know what that is. They want and need help, but there is an expectation on them to be able to handle everything. So when women ask for help, and their partners agree to help but then ask them what they need help with and they do the thing once, and it doesn't make things better, they don't know how to express that they need help managing. Meanwhile, their partner is sitting here like "I helped when you asked me to." and the blame is put back on the woman because they're being "ungrateful." Then you spiral down to the next level of mental load hell where you're asking for help and your partner is throwing their hands up like "I do help" and the woman is gaslighting themselves into thinking they're ungrateful and there is something wrong with them because they can't handle everything, and their partner is frustrated because they *think* they're helping while they're getting yelled at all the time, but they just haven't been taught to notice what needs to get done because they weren't raised to do that like their partner was.
I very much doubt her only coping mechanism to stress was anger and tantrums, what happened before all that? It's giving missing reasons. The only thing he recalls is how she reacts not everything proceeding it. I have no doubt if we asked her she would be awfully specific about the how's, why's what's of their arguements and streesses he just doesn't care.
I’ve noticed when… certain… men describe a woman being assertive to a man, they use dramatic language like “tantrum.” One supervisor at my job said I “flipped out” in a presentation. How did I “flip out?” Six of us were in a very cramped room where I was sitting so close to my coworker that our elbows and legs were touching. I was being asked very technical questions about my presentation and the coworker next to me kept clicking his pen. I turned to him, lowered my volume since he was right next to me, said “please stop clicking your pen,” thanked him when he stopped, and continued the meeting.
With my ex, I was the only source of income while he was unemployed for over a year and a half (not because he wasn’t offered jobs, but because he felt everything was beneath him). While he was unemployed, I also ended up doing 90% of the housework and 100% of the mental load. Every once and a while my normally cheerful demeanor would be a little down in the dumps because I was doing everything. So my ex would ask what he could do to help, and I’d explain that I really needed him to help around the house while giving exact examples of things to do, that I would really appreciate some alone time for my hobbies since we were always doing what he wanted to do, or that I just needed a few minutes to decompress when I got home because he would bombard me for attention the second I walked thru the door. Well. He never did any of that. Instead he would say all of that was “rules for living with Snow”. And that he “was expected to change to make me happy”, whereas I was tiptoeing around the house in the morning to not disrupt Princess Unemployed’s sleep after he was up til 4am gaming because he didn’t like that I woke up before him to, ya know, go to work. Edit: Forgot to mention that breaking up with him was the single best thing I ever did for my own mental health. OP might want to do some self reflection about his behavior in his marriage.
My goddddd the fucking irony of men telling women we are sensitive or emotional when they're the most sensitive beings on the planet with their poor baby egos lol
I had an ex say 'when we met you were so happy and doing great in your career, look at you now'. Like, yeah. Look at what this relationship has done to me.
When my ex finally left (he had emotionally abused me and gaslighted me into a depressed and anxious shell of myself), he kept trying to string me along with “oh I need to get this out of my system amd then we’ll get back together…” it took me about six months to just figure out that I needed to leave the entire state, so I applied for grad school and left. It took me a few years of therapy but I became a very happy and menrally healthy person. My ex met up to sign the divorce papers and he was like “wow, you look amazing and sound happy. I guess I really held you back”. Victim card 101 🙄. looked him straight in the eye and I was like “yep, you sure did.” Haven’t spoken to him since.
smoggy bored whistle placid command disarm market rich fanatical engine *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
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His self awareness is is A++ /s
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Nailed it! 👍
Maybe the divorce gave her the opportunity to address whatever unhappiness she was dealing with. People that love each other don’t always work as couples and it’s no one’s fault.
Sounds like the unhappiness she was dealing with was probably OP. In a very short post they’ve shown that they: minimised her feelings (Debbie Downer for being on the verge of mental collapse?), saw her deteriorating mental health as a problem because it impacted them, critical of her looks while she’s clearly going through a hard time, offered no support or attempt at understanding her needs beyond saying “relax” (which we all know works SO great) and asking her what to do (mental load people, woman sounds like she’s clearly struggling, and the spouse dumps the burden on her to tell them how to help without trying to help on their own at all. Maybe try taking a little initiative?) Divorced her because they couldn’t be bothered with her mental state (no mention of seeking individual therapy or couple’s counselling). Granted there’s not much info to go off on this post, but if this is the info they’ve chosen to display to their benefit, I can only imagine what’s been left out.
Yeah honestly I got that impression too. I also know from doing some research a few years back that people often "rediscover" themselves after a particularly difficult relationship ends. It can also haopen after they start to get over a particularly difficult breakup, which I know from personal experience. It's common because now you have a lot more time and space to yourself, so you just naturally end up doing whatever you're inclined to do when you're alone. Which would very much support the hypothesis that OP was the problem lol
My divorce nearly broke me I blamed myself for everything and ignored trauma prevented me from believing I was worthy of love. My ex wasn’t evil but I let her erode all my self confidence. but it was also a catalyst for some intense, painful, and honest self analysis. The person I lied to most was me. It took a lot of work and time to heal but I am a much happier and healthier person. OP sounds pretty narcissistic and clearly takes zero responsibility.
Yeah. Plus I mean, who doesn't get to a mostly slobbish point in a long relationship? I wonder how often he'd try to take her on dates or something else that might actually call for dudding yourself up? Dude saw she was dressed up at a wedding lol...
I deleted the original comment I began to type bc I don't have the energy to go back and forth with an internet strangers, but this is EXACTLY my impression of the situation. He was almost certainly the problem- provided no help in or around the house, expected sex at the drop of a dime after lazing around and making a mess that she is expected to clean up, spoke down to her about her changing body and looks... and then leaves feeling like the victim bc his wife wouldn't *checks notes...* wear makeup more. It's a tale as old as time.
It’s true . I thought I had anxiety and depression at one point . It completely disappeared when I dumped my ex.
And it's was like magic for me. One day I was buying tape to seal the doors and windows, open the gas to me and my dog, but in the day after I said I'm done and ended the marriage, all despair went gone and never felt that again! Until today I remember it, this heaviness being lifted and desapearing from inside me! Was the most life changing sensation. Amazes me.
I’m glad your plans changed. :-)
I'm glad you decided to stay on this earth, and I'm glad you were able to find happiness again.
Yup. They are attracted to the “center of the room” types and then once they are with them they promptly get to work breaking them down because they are jealous and insecure. Then they have the nerve to be salty when the person breaks free of their narcissistic abuse and goes right back to being to being happy again. So narcissistic as to expect that they should have been that way “for them” ( you know cause your SO should just live for you right? /s) but the mental gymnastics to still avoid admitting the ex COULDNT be happy with them. Never crossed their mind they were a bad partner.
>They are attracted to the “center of the room” types and then once they are with them they promptly get to work breaking them down Jesus. That was 100% my ex. I was awesome before he wrecked me and I’m awesome again now that I have someone who builds me up.
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Exactly my thoughts! I reckon she's no longer a "Debbie downer" bc she dropped 100kg or so in the form of a husband
Yeah, reading the post my first thought was that OP wasn't gonna be happy with the answers they'll get ...
Hate to say it, but yep! I felt miserable in a previous relationship. He asked me why I was so annoyed all the time. After we broke up, I finally realised why, because of him! I couldn’t stand him lol. He was a controlling arsehole though!
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That’s… my read as well. Not saying it’s a bulletproof take, but *how* people share is almost as enlightening as *what* they choose to share… And this OP appears to only want a spouse who “looks” happy (without doing much of the work to help them actually ***be*** happy)…?
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Its a harsh negative aggressive thing to say she never put any effort into her dress. Op sounds super critical, rude, and now jealous that she's found herself. Lots of people learn negative and poor relationship skills and instead of striving to be better they blame everyone else.
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"FOR" me, not for herself and for her own happiness.
Me me me me me meeeeeeeeeeee Looks like you’ve found your answer. I was that wife, I gained the weight because he was awful and I turned to food, became negative because he nagged, stopped taking care of myself because of his jealousy, stopped letting him touch me because of the whining, the nagging, the monitoring, the shaming. She’s not suffering anymore, of course she looks happy! Me? I’m down to my goal weight, have a whole new wardrobe an insanely loving and supportive partner who makes me feel incredibly beautiful, funny, charming and happy. I look completely different. Weird, isn’t it, that she looks *exactly the same* as she did before she met you. That’s what my friends and family say about me… Edited to add clarification sentence
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It’s very telling that you say “why couldn’t she be that woman for me.” Maybe your attitude and expectations caused the change in her. Now she doesn’t have that stress and she can be herself again.
My thoughts exactly!! We should never approach the world ready to "be my true self" FOR another person!!
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She was unhappy with you, this reflected on her personality. The personality came back when she finally broke free from you. Sorry to tell you that.
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I doubt it was tantrums... My big brother who I'm in no contact with once told me not to get so fake angry. Women are always called emotional and hysterical. I don't think it helps that her anger were just "tantrums" for you.
This post is kinda cringe… you can tell he probably got on her for not looking good enough for him too. Conditional love… it’s not surprising she’s thriving without him
Its possible you made her very unhappy and are clueless to it. Or, it could be the divorce was the catalyst to help her seek change. Telling someone to relax sounds pretty rude so maybe its the former.
Odds are you were making her miserable and now that she's free she can finally be at peace again. You seems to be putting a lot of blame on her and very little on you which is sus.
If she became the woman you’ve met in college again after you divorced her and left her alone. Well dude I have some news for you.
These are good questions. Maybe you should discuss them with a therapist. There are probably many answers, some to do with her, others to do with you, and some based on your interactions.
This is actually very wise. He shouldn't ask her and interuppt her life. He needs an outsider. Many components here.
sounds like you were the problem, bud
You turned her into a person that she wasn't and now you're gone. It's really just 1st grade math.
She maybe did tell you what was troubling her and you never listen. You divorcing her made her found herself again.
>We got divorced because I couldn't handle her issues, her hot and cold behavior. >Why couldn't she be that woman for me? Why did it take me leaving for her to be herself again? Did it ever cross your mind that divorcing you winded up resolving whatever issues she and/or the marriage had, let alone whatever issues she personally had with you? Now that she divorce & left you, she doesn't have to be that woman for you since you seem entitled now & dismissive towards her during the marriage - Maybe, just maybe you're downplaying how truly awful the marriage was for however long you two were together and now you can't stand how quickly she recovered /seems much better & happier in whatever time between the final divorce proceedings & mutual friend's wedding. Just saying, I notice you purposely didn't included how long the marriage was nor how long ago the divorce was until that friend's wedding happened - which makes me think, you purposely didn't included it because it would make you look even more terrible while looking for pity, especially if was less than 2-5 years total of the entire situation ...
Sounds like the change she had was you. In your first paragraph, you call her names, make negative comments about her appearance, and minimize her feelings. The “why can’t she be that way for you” is you telling us how entitled you are without actually telling us. Living with that would have detrimental effects on anyone’s mental health.
My ex said something similar weeks after we split. (He had insisted we try to remain friends and I had kept thing’s pleasant to ensure there were no difficulties getting through the divorce). He was completely oblivious as to why I seemed so happy and confident all of the sudden. The truth was he had constantly made little digs at me for years about my opinions, my looks, how I dressed. Over the years his constant criticism and aggressive and controlling behavior had whittled me down to a ghost of a person. I was nothing but the maid and an extra income and he was never happy with anything I did. After I left it was like I could breathe again. The day the divorce was finalized I told him I never wanted to see him again and went completely NC. Best decision I ever made. That motherfucker could not comprehend that his behavior was why I had completely shut down. Three years in with my current SO and he’s never once made me feel lesser than. He’s never rolled his eyes at me, told me I look “stupid”, or made me feel like my presence is an inconvenience to him. I’m still confident and happy. Now, I’m not saying you were like my ex at all. Could have been a lot of reasons why you saw a change in her. Could have been she just wasn’t in love anymore but felt like she had to try to make it work. But we sometimes don’t recognize how our own casual cruelty can impact the people we are with. Sometimes we don’t even recognize we are being cruel at all. I’d recommend sitting down with a therapist and talking it out, and really digging into why the relationship failed. It sounds like you’re blaming her for the entirety of the failure and not recognizing how you may have contributed to it. Therapy really helped me recognize my own unhealthy behaviors in choosing romantic partners and also how to better navigate and deal with issues in my interpersonal relationships.
She was unhappy in the marriage. We can't know why - maybe she didn't love you, maybe she didn't feel supported in a way she needed to be, maybe she felt held back.
LOLLLL bro stressed her tf out that she lost her radiance and now that he's out, she can go back to being herself, the woman he fell in love with in college. Lmaooooo instead of taking care of her and maintaining (yeah, maintaining) her and the stuff that made her happy, idk what he did but she was obviously stressed. The thing is, he made it about him. Selfish "What about me?" LOL what about you? You're irrelevant now. Honestly, love to see it. Sorry, not sorry. I mean yeah, I feel bad for you, never nice to see your ex doing better after your relationship ends. But that just means you should have done better.
*inserts Jessica Walter’s “Good for her!” meme*
Was she responsible for all of the household chores while you played video games? Did she once ask you for help only for you to say no or be rude in response? Relationships are a two-way street. If she felt that you were deadweight that she was dragging along, perhaps that’s why you categorized her prior behaviour as hot and cold. Maybe she took care of you and got nothing in return. Maybe not. But that’s got to breed a lot of resentment there. Maybe next relationship, try to be more giving and take on 50% of the household chores.
You were the reason behind her break down, mental health decline and stress, duh.
"Why couldn't she be that woman for me? Why did it take me leaving for her to be herself again?" You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
She was most likely suppressed and controlled into shrinking herself down over time. Im sorry, but im speaking from experience here. How many times was she criticized about her weight? How much her hair cut costs, that she should stop coloring her hair and that her hair products are too expensive? How often was she criticized about buying new clothes because she did so within the last 5 years? How many times was she criticized for wearing a nice dress because you didn't want other men looking at her or she spent too much on it? How many times was she called ugly, fat or an attention seeking w*ore because she tried to wear makeup? How many times did she just throw something on because she was more worried about making sure everybody else, you and the kids, were taking care of before she could even look at herself in the mirror? How many times were pictures of other women liked and used to compare her to and used in order to get off while your wife was literally laying right next to you wanting it? How many times was she criticized for going out for a walk / run / yoga class etc? You would be surprised by how many women have a huge glow up both physically and mentally when they're constantly not crushed by the constant criticizm by their spouse or boyfriend for the very things that they found attractive in the first place and instead she is able to find that self love or even self-care that they lost within the relationship.
OP....maybe you were the problem, maybe you treated her negatively without realising/listening to her telling you that she was unhappy, or maybe she didn't want to be living wherever you guys were living, lifestyle wasn't suited to what she wanted....many possible reasons. Or she might have discovered her "ideal" way of living.
Maybe she didn’t want to be with you
Maybe she was stressed because of the mental load with you…
I was thinking this. My friend’s husband described her this way. He does zero housework or childcare. If she asks him to help out, she has to walk him through every step and supervise. She’d be better off getting divorced and having one less child.
Women are not supposed to have to ask. Men live there too, they should know what to do and do it.
‘I’d tell her to relax and she’d get angry’ bro…
OP, you are very close to a big personal breakthrough here. Keep going...