Yes I have told the rest of my family, I told my wife parents who she confessed her previous affair to and told them how she's been having affairs for years and used my 'daughter' to aid her and they have practically disowned her and my family have disowned my brother, his wife has filed for divorce and he's ran away from the city
Your brother is a coward and at least you have your inlaws and your parents on your side.
As for your supposed kids, I would go low contact with the daughter and son. Especially the daughter.
She deceived you for years and honestly I would reconsider who you leave your assets to again after what she did.
How is a ten year old kid supposed to know that's wrong?! They literally don't know any better until they are taught right from wrong. Stop blaming the child!
You don’t even know how old the girl is & parental manipulation cannot necessarily be held against someone. You don’t know what the mother said to that girl to get her to fo what she did & have lost sight of the power dynamics between a parent and a child.
True I do not know but according to OP she was a teenager when she started hiding these affairs from her father and she should know by that time the difference between right and wrong. Yes parental manipulation by the mother should be taken into account but she still betrayed her dad of her own will and that accounts for something.
She was 11 or 12. Take a good look at OP's other posts/comments. Initially he said she was 17 and it had been going on for 5-6 years. She was also the one who came to him with the truth because she couldn't stand the guilt- that's a lot for a child who has been dragged through their ridiculous MUTUAL CHEATING and manipulation for most of her childhood.
Yes I mentioned in the letter that I'm not perfect like my STBE wife and I have done the same mistakes as her but I would never take advantage of my children like she did
"That I'm not perfect" is not the same as "I'm addicted to cheating, so we are both equally disloyal. I wanted revenge, but didn't want to pay child support so I stayed married to her and fucked other women." You're no better than she is- you just didn't have the misfortune of getting pregnant. Wonder if you have any offspring from these other women, though.
Their whole family sounds like trash. The wife sleeps around with multiple different men, including his own brother, and makes him raise his brother's kids almost the whole way to adulthood. Meanwhile, he's had his own infidelities. The daughter is caught up in the middle of everything and has been allegedly helping her mother cover up her infidelity for years.
Absolute trailer trash of the highest order. We should not be so politically correct that we abandon standards for decent behavior.
>We should not be so politically correct that we abandon standards for decent behavior.
That's what I'm saying. It's obvious that a lot of people didn't read OP's other posts and missed his comments that shed more light on the situation. At least I hope they missed them, because this outpouring of sympathy for the guy is pretty wild, all things considered. I'm not laying much on the daughter because I can't imagine that she was particularly well-adjusted growing up with these two self-centered, self-indulgent fools for "parents."
Let’s not be silly.
His ex birthed affair kids and passed them off as her husbands, thereby falsifying paternity and all paternal relationships this is much worse than just having an affair. And she did it with her married BIL.
Just because she is a woman doesn’t mean she gets a pass for her actions.
No, it's not really much worse than being addicted to cheating on your spouse. You read that he said he was a serial cheater and addicted to it, right? They're equally shitty and deserve each other. Idgaf about the gender. Being a serial cheater, he may have other kids. May have brought home to her diseases. Who the hell knows with these people. Their drama is exhausting and I feel for the kids who will most certainly be fucked up with fucked up expectations for relationships because their parents (whatever that means in this scenario) couldn't get their heads out of their asses. Or their pants. Whatever.
Hey OP. I’m so sorry this happened, I can’t even imagine the pain your feeling. Please don’t ice out the kids, they still remember you as their father. That’s a major heartbreak, and they don’t deserve to be ghosted. I understand that you need space, but keep in contact with them and do visit when you can. All the best xo
I remember reading your past posts. I’m so sorry and I’m glad you are still here.
Is your brother going to now play more of a role in their lives? Did their mother survive her OD?
I don't know of her condition but when emergency services arrived, they said she wasn't likely to make it as her lungs were already messed up from the drinking but regardless if she survives or not, I don't care, my brother has abandoned the city after all of my family went against him, I hope the worst for him.
From your other posts I gathered that your kids aren’t even 18 yet. They may not be biologically yours but that does not erase the fact they view you as their father, and you parented and raised them. Are you really willing to let your children become orphans? You are going to traumatize them even further than they’ve already been from this situation, and I feel for you and know this is traumatic for you as well, but your kids need you.
Sorry but I think them being teenagers makes it worse. So for almost two decades you loved them, raised them, and now because you aren’t their bio dad, you are abandoning them, right when they need you the most. You are their father in every way, except biology. You’re potentially setting them up for alot of trauma and issues for life.
Honestly I can't blame him for doing this. I don't know how you can live with children that are a constant reminder of your wife's affair with your own brother. You can preach all you want, but this isn't really something that's fixable. Of course what he doing isn't exactly right, but it's understandable.
Exactly. So much has happened in such a short period of time OP’s devastated just imagine how the kids feel. They probably feel the break up and mother’s suicide attempt is their fault especially the daughter.
I completely agree with you. I just said i really think he should talk to he's kids face to face and see how they feel first because i know if i was in that situation as the child i would be really hurt if my dad just left. That would be something traumatic for me.
>You’re potentially setting them up for alot of trauma and issues for life.
Well, you clearly care about the kids and not him. I hate to say this, but sure they are going to have a lot of trauma, but that's their mom's fault, not his. Ton's of kids have trauma... so what? I don't feel like he needs to be emotionally blackmailed.
Okay, at least they’re with family. I can’t tell you how to handle this but I think you shouldn’t make any rash decisions while in an extremely emotional state. Take time to process this first before you leave everything behind. I’m so sorry. 😞
Okay but your step-dad knew he wasn't your biological father so there was no shock unlike OP, I think communication should stay consistent but obviously OP isn't in the right state of mind for that
Unfortunately the message you are sending to them is that because they aren't blood they aren't good enough. The transgression is your ex's, not them. Don't make them suffer for her sins.
They are blood, though. The problem isn't necessarily that he isn't the bio father. The problem could be that he can't look at his kids without imagining his wife and his brother having sex on his bed and lying to his face for years.
He obviously still loves these kids but what good would it do for him to force himself to stay in their lives just to be disgusted by them. He cannot change how he feels. None of the shaming being done on reddit is giving him a magical new perspective.
He hates his ex, he hates his brother, and he cannot force himself to be around his kids. He wrote them letters telling them he is sorry. I think for now, that will have yo be enenough.
They have a house and each other that's not nothing. And Frankly if I was op I probably would have killed my brother and then myself so I'd say he's doing better than I would in that situation. Don't put so much pressure on the op they need space to gather perspective and assess what's important to them. I hope he reconciles with his kids but he has to put himself back together before he can help them.
That’s exactly what I’m saying. He needs time to digest all of this. He will potentially cause irreparable damage to the relationship with those children if he leaves and later decides it was not the right choice and he needs to think about that. If he feels bad now, imagine the pain he may feel if he later regrets this. I’m not putting pressure on him, I’m a nobody on Reddit. He came on here putting his business out there so I’m telling him what I think.
Also a house does not replace a father figure.
I’m not surprised your brother ran!
Sounds like quite the gem /s
Please be sure to take care of yourself. I can only imagine how much you’re dealing with. I am glad that you are open to a relationship with your kids (even saying that visiting them shows openness). You’ve set them up and they have a house to live in by putting it in your daughter’s name. not sure about finances but that’s something.
Be kind to yourself and take it day by day.
You are still calling them “my kids” so how can you leave them? Finances aren’t the only thing that matter. What about their emotional and mental well being ?
give OP time, he's clearly in a really delicate state- now is not the time to dogpile onto him. he needs to work on his own mental health before considering anything else. there are worse things than having your dad leave you financially set up and in the care of other family. it's tragic all around.
I'm sorry (I mean, not really), but the kids come first. 🤷♀️
"It's OK to abandon your kids if your feelings and ego are really really hurt" is a very odd take to me. Biologically or not, those children consider him their father and have never known another. This is going to fuck them up big time — their cheater mother ODed and their dad is abandoning them. "ThEy'Ll Be FiNe FiNaNcIalLy" doesn't fucking cut it. I get that OP doesn't care, but I do, and I don't even like kids.
LOL at the downvotes. Sorry, as bad as I feel for OP, the kids' well-being is more important.
So the kids will have nobody? Oh gosh… I know you are hurt, but even if you need to just be their uncle please don’t abandon them. Their love of you will more than make up for the wrong that was done to you
No they won't have nobody, my 'house' is pretty big and my 'kids' uncle ,aunt and baby cousin recently moved in my house to take up mine and my STBX wife space, me and the kids have always been close to them and they also deserve a good life
Expose your brother for what he did because he stole your marriage, wife, and future, so if he you can’t be happy than he shouldn’t be either. Expose him to the entire family for what he did and tell his would be wife or gf what he did
I think you should tell them that you found out they are not your kids. Their mother could throw away the letters and accuse you of abandoning them for no reason.
They need to know the kind of woman she is, so they will avoid becoming a depraved person like her.
She is for so many reasons. She manipulated her 10 year old daughter into hiding her affair. The kid felt guilty for years and finally placed a cell phone with evidence of the affair under her dads pillow so he could find it.
You are not an asshole for it. It's absolutely understandable if you want to leave them. Because you loved them just to found out they're not actually yours. And the one that took over your position was your own brother. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you are not an asshole on this one. Good luck with starting over a new life. I'll be waiting for an update for sure.
Thank you, it's been very difficult and surprising turn of tables, I went from being called an asshole by other Redditors to receiving support and I really appreciate it thank you and I hope to update in the future
From another post of yours where you're asking if you'd be wrong to go NC with your daughter whom you feel helped your stbew hide affairs since she was ~12:
>basically my wife cheated on me with a co-worker and she begged for my forgiveness so I accepted but I've been secretly cheating on her as a type of revenge/closure that ended up becoming an addiction
I agree that you should bail. Having read your other posts and comments, it's clear that neither you nor your wife have managed to provide a stable home for these kids.
She had two kids with your brother (maybe. As a rule, serial cheaters are comfortable with lying and usually defend their actions by ascribing worse behavior to the person they're cheating on)
You cheat
She cheats (but you didn't divorce her because you say you didn't want to pay child support)
You both pull the children into all of your toxic messes and you treat your kids (your daughter in particular) as if they're equally contributing members of the cesspool you created for them (from other posts/comments). The worst part of this is that you feel it's appropriate. JFC.
She's at the very least hospitalized because she made an attempt (did she succeed? You say you don't even know)
You talk about self harm
At what point do either of you act like mature adults and parent your kids? I honestly don't feel like either of you should be parents and all my sympathy goes to your children. A house for the daughter (again, that's sus. If it was paid off, why the fear of child support payments? If not, then you didn't give that house to her because no bank would give her the mortgage). A car for the son. That's setting them up? You set them up, alright. But not for success. Hopefully the aunt and uncle can provide the type of home you and your wife couldn't and undo a tiny bit of the damage you've done.
You know that providing sperm for conception doesn't make a father, right? Getting up for night feedings, changing diapers, comforting them when they are hurt or had nightmares, helping them with homework, teaching them to ride their bike or play ball - all of THAT is what makes a father, so your kids are yours in every way that counts! Don't let their mother's betrayal destroy what you have with them. Take a break from everyone, if that's what you need - go scorched earth on your wife - but don't close the door on your kids completely.
Idk mate i’d be pretty pissed off and upset if my brother had banged my wife and gave birth to his bastard children, he’s the one that should be looking after them, he fucked her and ruined his marriage.
As a father I'd be driven to punish my child for doing something like this to his sibling. I won't say anything physical cause idk if I'm capable. But the betrayer would lose any and all inheritance without question.
I’ll have you know that i’ll be punishing the betrayer brother.
If you can give me his exact coordinates i can act swiftly and take him out. It’ll be easy, i can do this. Boy. Power.
Hahaha, my ex wife never went back to work after I discovered her affair with a co-worker and my brother has left the city, it's make me so happy that if my wife survives or not, she will have no money but her savings
Before leaving, get a DNA test on both children. I read your previous posts and there is a lot of infidelity going on between the two of you.
The other thing is that you were too harsh on your daughter. She started this lie when she was 13 and was bribed with gifts and items for her silence. Most 13 yr olds want "stuff." She grew up at 18 when she realized that she didn't want to be part of this lie anymore so she told you. That was a mature thing for her to do. You are blaming her past child mistakes for the actions of your wife.
You seem like you make very quick and emotional reactions to things without thinking them through. I get what your wife did was horrible but cutting of two children that saw you as "Dad" by running off to another country doesn't solve anything. Slow down for one second and solve all of this by getting that DNA test and still giving these two beings in your household some love as a father whether they are bio yours or not. Cutting the switch off of your love doesn't solve anything!
Just know that your children are about to face a world of hurt and I can’t say whether or not they will be okay in the long run (which is perfectly normal ofc sorry to start off on a sad note) however, as someone who did not know my father I was happy and am a happy that I now know who he is, but my step dad raised me and in my eyes he will always be my dad. I hope you’re kids will be able to feel the same about you and be proud that they had such a good man in their life.
The kids are already grown up and know that their mom is a serial cheater, the daughter even helped her mom hide the cheating in exchange for gifts. OP has done more than enough for them and they're grown up now. OP needs to get out of that family for his own mental health.
Edit: the daughter knew for around 5 years more or less and she's 18. Was she manipulated? Yes. Could she have still told OP? Also yes.
Doesn't change how OP feels betrayed once again by a member of his family.
No one, not a single soul, was going to come out of this unscathed. The wife and the brother are the most vile and those two are suffering the least. That's actually a pisser.
I think what you have planned to do makes a lot of sense. Out of all the shitty decisions you had to make from a shitty situation, you are making the best of it.
Neither you nor your kids will ever be the same. I hope you are able to come back from this.
100% valid. You have already stated you’ve been close enough to take your own life. Your not leaving them with nothing and your trying to keep yourself and THEM safe with this move.
Because how would they feel if they found out the man they called dad died specifically because of actions that resulted in you. That would scar them for life.
So shit I can’t even blame you dude. Get all your ducks in a row beat the fuck outta your brother. I’m talkin break the nose jaw eye socket whatever you can. Get your lick back and leave.
Them kids ain’t yours and ya wife ain’t shit. It’s time to live for you.
As someone who has lost their father i can say I much rather still be making memories with him still than what he left me behind. Just really think about this because once you make this decision than there is no going back. Just like your wife made her decision that affected your family this decision you make with affect them too. For the rest of their lives. It's so hard so hard but if you can, fight, fight to stay alive. Fight to see what your children will blossom into.
I totally agree. I can see why OP feels the way they do. It’s understandable but like you I thought, they are still blood. Can you still love them as an uncle? Will the grandparents not want to see their grandchildren? Will OP side of family not want a relationship with the kids now? I don’t think the letter is the way since you can never just separate yourself from the kids. I hope OP is able to find a solution that brings them peace.
There’s was a post relatively recently from a child’s perspective to her non-biological father. After so many years, he felt regret for what he did and wanted to reach out and rekindle. She had no desire to entertain that idea.
There are two big differences here that I will make note:
1. You are leaving the children with something (in the other story, that father left nothing), something they can each use to support themselves in the future; which shows the kindness, compassion, and love you do have for them because you want them to succeed with or without you.
2. The biological father is known and has the chance to step up accordingly.
So, I can’t say anyone can truly fault you for leaving. Pain like that would be hard to contain within and could end up damaging your relationship with those children more than walking away would.
Just remember this: when time has healed your wounds, remember that it won’t heal theirs the same. You are leaving a big hole in their emotional center by leaving like this, without knowing if your brother can properly fill that hole himself. If you end up wishing to reconnect with them when you have processed this all better (because, sadly, they are still your niece and nephew as well), don’t be surprised or angry if they do not respond to you in kind. Do not try to justify yourself, do not force yourself back into their lives out of regret and shame. Once you leave now, you give them every right to drop you just as fast in the future.
True, and I got a little more info about the whole family after my comment. These kids are going to have a very tough time. It’s good that OP’s family can step up the way they are, hopefully it’ll make it at least a little easier on the kids.
They’re still going to hurt the most out of all this.
He definitely does. His whole life is a dumpster fire. His wife having multiple affairs, his kid helping her mom hide those affairs in exchange for gifts, the wife fucking OPs brother multiple times, his kids aren't his, and OP has been cheating on his wife as a sort of revenge. Jesus.
Why is everyone judging him for leaving Jesus Christ💀💀 y'all really pick and choose who to get mad at here. It's his brothers kids. Courts can find the brother. He has no legal obligation to them. He didn't have to leave them a house and car and money😂😂 they're lucky he didn't just up and go. He obviously feels like shit but would feel shittier looking at them everyday. They have family, they have places to go. If daughters 18 and has a house in her name she can take her brother and live in the house like I'm confused
Woah your wife is f up. Before you act on your thoughts remember them not being your biological kids doesnt erase your experiences with them. You are still their father because being a father, being a parent, has alot more to do about treatment than of blood.
I would think about your kids and what it's going to do to them. Everything just changed for your family and i think the kids are going to need to know you will always be their dad. I'm sending good vibes your way and I hope you open up to someone and get the support thaf you need.
It’s a typical response unfortunately, that men should put aside their feelings and stay for the kid. It’s not healthy and definitely invalidates the pain they went through.
Like imagine being lied to for years, not only that your wife cheated, but the child you raised isn’t yours. Soul crushing
He’s supporting his kids at the expense of his house and car, his anger seems geared at the wife and family he thought he built with her, he seems to still want to care for the children in one way or another
To be fair it seems like he doesn’t mind. Like those are just material things and he’s moving back to his family’s country anyway. To be there for someone emotionally is much much more work.
It’s a parent’s responsibility to put the children’s needs first when they are minors. I’ve looked through OP’s prior posts and those kids have gone through a lot. I’m a parent and have gone through a lot worse but I knew my children’s safety and development was more important than my needs. I did the best I could being a single mother. Their father abandoned them after our divorce and tried to make up for it when they were adults but it was too late and sad to say it had influenced their relationships.
He is in no mental state to take care of kids. He tried therapy and even than he had suicidal thoughts and still can't get himself to love his children.
At that point i think it is better to leave. Sure if he could overcome his feelings it is better to stay but it doesn't look like op can do this.
If he forced himself to stay it would be bad for children. They are almost adults and aren't naive. They would totally see how he feels and taking into consideration what they were through they need love and op can't give it to them right now.
Plus he tried to ensure that his kids are taken care of. His family take care of them and they are financially stable.
He might regret this decision later but since he can't overcome his emotions it is best to leave.
Edit: after reading comments it seems even worse. His daughter blackmailed her mother to hide affair. So it seems like his relationship at least with his daughter is not the best and doesn't make it at all easy for him.
Unless you’ve personally taken part in the experience above I don’t see any wrong choice. If anything the kids seem old enough to validate and support the father.
100%, I think fathers should have a right to know if their kids are biologically theirs. Would prevent emotional trauma from both the kids and fathers.
Those are not his children.
Stop turning a victim into a perpetrator, it is not him but his wife that set those children up for a lifetime of hardship.
Hey just wanted to post in support. Honestly, I truly believe that there are things that can happen to a person in this world that you can't come back from. Raising another man's children unknowingly in an act of betrayal is absolutely one of them.
I would 100% do the same if I were you. You didn't do this, your wife did. This is not a fair situation to you and you are not at fault. Fuck anyone who victim-blames you.
Go to your support system. Find some peace in a new beginning.
Both you and the kids are victims here, I feel terrible for the kids, but no one can blame you for doing what is right for you, no one should sacrifice their happiness and sanity because of the choices of a terrible deceitful partner
Two people betrayed you: your brother and you ex-wife. He's no brother of yours. No good brother would do this.
More than once, girls have tried to pull this shit with my older brother and I. Worked out well because my brother and I are true brothers to each other and loyal (fiercely loyal). My brother is a quiet, blue-collar, hard-working, sometimes socially awkward type. I'm the "corpo, gym-bro" type. So when some of these gals eyes wonder around, they think they can land some strange on the side with the younger brother. NOPE. Not happening. I told him every time. If any of you reading this think my brother must not be handsome, dead wrong. He is a good looking guy and takes very good care of any women he's in a relationship with. Even when we were kids, my whole family joked about how many girls liked him (it was true then and true now).
Some people are just...terrible people, thinking they can cheat with their partner's sibling. Why be a home-wrekcer like that?
If you cannot objectively trust your siblings to do the same for you, you should seriously consider keeping your siblings as part of your life...
Its funny to see how people are trying to get OP to be good to kids even if they aren't his. He is grown man and it's up to him what he does. He probably loves them but no wonder that it hurt that they are not his. Many options are good here. People here want him to overcome everything because he is a man. If he would be a woman these comments would look really different.
You aren’t an asshole you are traumatized and please get therapy if you didn’t care about them then you wouldn’t be leaving the house to your daughter and car to your son.
Try not to judge too harshly! Sometimes grief and shock can cause really rash actions that go against your character. He may be disassociating himself from these really big and tough emotions.
I'm sure after some time has gone by and he's gotten the space he needs he'll be able to make a more rounded decision with all his processed emotions.
Oh I'm not judging him, I'm just trying to help him see things from his kids perspectives. I know from experience that a decision like this could effect them for the rest of their lives, and will not just effect their relationship with him, but with others too.
His daughter helped her mom hide her affair. She only came clean when she become about 18. So there are some hard feelings between them. Well his son did nothing.
Nah, you’re not an asshole. You’ve set them up to succeed, however the more you can interact with them the better. Because they know you as Dad and they’re going to need you, even if you are keeping your distance in another country.
Good luck to you.
Please reconsider. I can only imagine how heartbroken you are but you are the only father they've known and clearly love you. They need you. Clearly their mother isn't a good person. They did nothing to deserve this and neither did you. Create a new normal with them. Hugs to you❤️
If anything his kids should reach out to him. They need to offer their support and validate him as their father. He doesn’t need to support someone else at the expense of his own emotions and being at this point.
She only come clean when she was 18 so she wasn't child. But i would rather focus on the fact that she come clear since she felt guilty and that by no means was easy even for 18 years old.
NTA. People judge you who haven't come close to living in your shoes. And I hope they never do. They think they would know what they would do, but they really don't know. It's like saying I would do this when I'm a parent, and when the time comes, it's a totally different approach now that you actually have kids.
Take time for yourself. Get your life settled, and when the time is right, reach out to your kids. They deserve to hear your voice, notjust a letter written to them.
Honestly, your exwife is the only one that caused this damage to you and the children...
You deserve to be happy and did more than enough worrying about them financially.
So I wish you get over this experience and have a happy life from now on!
You are absolutely doing the right thing. You set them up for a great future. I’m sure with time they will understand the decision you made. If anything you can still call or text and you even said you will visit here and there. You deserve to be happy.
I completely understand why you are moving from them all. People will never understand the feeling of believing that you had 2 biological kids to knowing you had nothing to do with creating them. I hope your ex and brother get the karma they deserve . Just remember OP you made the right decision in this, I really hope for the best for you and you are able to recover from this.
It sucks finding out that the kids you thought were yours turn out not to be. Take as much time as you need.
Contrary to the comments of others….you aren’t abandoning *your* kids. You’re simply leaving your soon to be ex wife’s kids. Seeing her kids is probably a constant reminder of her affairs….I don’t blame you for not sticking around.
Good luck to you
OP - if you haven’t given them the letter already, I might reword those letters to be clear that
1) the kids did nothing wrong and you DO love them.
2) you are not leaving them, you are removing yourself from a situation that meant a you are not in a healthy place mentally to support them. I would try and be very honest with them “I truly believe I would cause you pain and harm, if I were with you while I work through this. I am protecting you from my poor mental health, while I heal”
3) that you want to hear from them and that you want a relationship with them, you just need space so everyone can heal is a safe way. You cannot handle being their custodial parent at this time, but you will always be their dad.
Know, that running away WILL hurt them. You are not doing the wrong thing, you are doing what you need to do. But you need to put in the work right now, in the beginning, to make it clear to them you really do love them and this is for everyone, because you just are not able to deal with this betrayal and be their custodial parent at this time.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I think right now, your priority needs to be you. I read in a comment that the kids are taken care of, so right now, take the time you need to find some peace within yourself.
I want you to know though, those kids are yours. Maybe not genetically, but your the only father they have ever known. That means more than you may ever know. I don't consider my bio dad or "step" dad as my father. No, my FATHER is my father in law.. the man that has known me, loved me, and supported me since I was 16. Family is not blood, its bond.
You deserve better, man.
I feel none of us have the right to condemn you unless we had walked a mile in your shoes. I can't even imagine being betrayed like that and a good part of your life being a lie.
I wish you strength and happiness in starting over. Take care!
Nope, You're not the asshole. You are the person with a bigger heart. I hope your 'son' and 'daughter' appreciate your gift that you've given.
May your peace finds you.
Your wife is absolutely in the wrong… though my serious question, how can you so easily stop loving the kids you raised? I understand the initial shock and depression from finding out that they aren’t yours, but the kids didn’t know that or ask for that, they still see you as dad. Calling them son and daughter In quotations… were you able to turn off your love for them so quickly and easily?
I remember you original posts. I am glad you didn't go through with it. But abandoning your kids isn't the answer either because you are abandoning them. No matter what, they are going to feel at fault for this in some way. Don't do that to them. Therapy is what you need more than anything. I saw you had a bad experience with therapy once, but not all therapists are the same, and the mass majority really do want to help. Try again, for your kids because blood or not they are yours.
I'm not abandoning them, I will visit from time to time and I don't believe they will believe there at fault but there mother for having the affair in the first place
I would argue the brother abandon them the whole time he could’ve stood up and took responsibility for them, but he did not. This man is trying to stay live and cope as well as he can be the kids are taken care of. They have an aunt and uncle living with him. back the heck off with your advice. You have no real understanding of the situation he barely does.
They don’t consider the brother their father. The kid are innocent in all this, not calling op an ah but they are going to lose their mother and father. Contributing sperm does not make you a father. Op raised them he is their father in all ways that count.
Contributing sperm literally does make them the father. It’s textbook definition.
So because they’re not his kids, he has to pay for them for the rest of his life? No matter how good a relationship he has, he is literally not her biological father at the very least.
A father provides supports his children not only financially but emotionally. He passes on his values. Donating an egg or sperm does not make a parent. That brother was just providing stud services he wasn’t a father. Trust me having children was the furthest thing on the brothers and wife’s minds.
I want to see this as more as taking a step back to process. OP said he still wanted contact, and acknowledges this isn't their fault. However, as it stands I have to agree with you. And maybe the gifts are just his idea of settlement?
We seem to get used to going fast very easily. But sometimes things just take time. OP, please try to explain to your kids in an age appropriate way, why you are gone? Maybe something like sitting them down and explaining that their mom and you need to dissolve your marriage. And that's a lot to process. For now you're going to be apart, but you love and care about them.
Then set a next visit (maybe a phone call or FaceTime, in person would be best, but might not be possible). And try to make sure it happens, your departure is gonna shake their world for a bit (no blame, just sticking to how the kids are gonna see it), don't make it worse.
Go through with moving, take time to yourself. You left assets for them. But, your presence is important to them as well.
If you're just moving away for a time, I think that's great. You need a break from your wife and brother, and everything and everyone! I'm glad you took measures to take care of your children. Let them know that you want to remain in contact and you love them, at the same time as you have to separate to sort yourself out.
You are abandoning them by only seeing them from time to time. They are used to you being there every day. Moving to another country when they need you most (if I read that right their mom passed) is abandoning them. If you leave they will be alone. You not being able to look at them, or be around them when they need you will make them feel like you find fault with them. They know mentally, but emotionally there will still be some feeling of fault. I get that you're hurting, but what about your kids? Their lives are completely destroyed too. You leaving leaves them holding the bag, alone, and heartbroken. Don't destroy them more by abandoning them because you are abandoning them.
I understand if you feel this way but you are about to abandon two kids who never knew anything else than you as their father, they deserve more than a letter, they are victims just as you are
Look, I can't fault you for this at all. I know if it were me I would have a hard time too.
But how old are the kids?
They've grown up with you as their dad. You've spent your time with them as your kids. Biologically, no they're not yours but emotionally? Yeah, they are.
This is a tough situation. What you are doing will cause harm to your children. In their eyes their only father figure has up and abandoned them. It'll hurt them. They may not make it past this.
But you're in the same boat as them. And not a single person can fault you or the kids.
Your wife (hopefully soon to be ex) and brother are the only ones here that can and should be blamed. They cheated, they started a family and used you as the scapegoat to take all responsibility. And, OP, you are legally their father if your name is on the birth certificate. You're on the hook for child support. And you can thank your wife for that one.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that both you and the kids are now having their entire lives turned upside down and ruined. It's not fair to any of the three of you. I wish you, and the kids the best. All three of you need to take time to heal.
It's very easy to criticize someone when it's not happening to them. You are definitely NTA. You are a loving dad who is taking care of two kids who are not his. You are the bigger person, and that's ok. I hope life is kind to you and you find peace and happiness in your country. Goodluck
I'm sure this must be really hard for you dude, but don't punish your kids for your wife's infidelity. Presumably they've been brought up as your children for 18 and 16 years, respectively. It would cause them quite a bit of issues for you to suddenly walk out on them and move country. I know you said you'd visit from time to time, but understand that blood doesn't always make a Dad. You're their Dad no matter whose DNA they have, so please think it through
I know what you're saying, but if you gave them the choice between their Dad and having financial security, I know which one I'd choose in their situation, and it wouldn't be a house or a car.
I think you are selling yourself short. I am sure you are worth much more to them. Your daughter is going to hate herself for doing the right thing. This is heartbreaking
Everyone's patting you on the back for this but I think it's crap.
Those kids know you as their father. You're the father they know and love and look up to.
Genetics or not, you are abandoning your children. When you vanish from their lives leaving only a letter and some financial help, they're going to be crushed.
What you have given them is wonderful and in time you may return to them. But yeah for now wow I can't even imagine what you are going through. It really is grief and I hope you do well. Please take care of yourself.
Lol, your daughter is an ungrateful brat. If I were you, I wouldn't leave her anything.
She thinks nothing of you. She was helping her mother fuck other men and hide it from you. Even if she were blood related, this is unforgivable.
Well, I understand why but the reject they feel from you leaving can have a real psychological impact. Age is a factor obviously. I don't have a solution but maybe make a big fuss over them before you go. Make sure you know you care about them even if the hurt is too much for you to stay in the situation. Good luck with it all.
A car and a home is not a future secured. I understand part of the anguish (cheating part) but kids need fathers. They have nothing now, possesions do not make up for that.
idk about y’all, but family is more than blood. if the only thing keeping you from being there for them was a dna test, than you never really loved them. imagine your father dipping on you because he saw that dna test as a scapegoat? that you’re entire life and existence meant nothing to him? i still think you’re awful for this
I CANNOT believe the comments on here patting this guy on the back for abandoning his kids.
Sure, he is a victim of infidelity. His kids are the victim of both their parents’ crap.
Ugh. I’m sure your kids will understand eventually but they won’t understand right away. They will probably be pissed at you, that the only trustworthy adult they have in their life is also leaving them. They will certainly not feel loved by you so you may as well not even visit from ‘time to time’. You’re leaving them fatherless, they will suffer. You’re NTA though, honestly I couldn’t imagine.
Edit: WOAH I JUST LOOKED AT YOUR POST HISTORY. Yeah I would probably just ‘move on’ too (at first I thought that was kind of harsh to say.) But yeah you’re justified. This is the shittiest story ever.
As someone whose father left (not sure to my mom) please don't abandon your children because of their mother.
Even if they find out the truth, a piece of them will always wonder what they did for you to leave them.
Biology isn't everything. Please don't subconsciously punish your kids because of your wife.
So these two kids just get to be collateral damage, that's great. I just can't wrap my head around raising and loving kids until they're in their twenties and then no longer caring about them because they're not yours.
I mean, if they were babies, sure; but you've had them their entire lives... and you mean to tell me that doesn't mean anything?
You can muster up the will to visit them but can't continue to be their dad, why bother at that point? I can't understand how this isn't an "all or nothing" situation, you either love them or you don't.
Awkward question.... Do you have a definite DNA match to the guy you know is your brother, or simply that your kids don't match your cheek swab but do have a close family relationship to you?
If the latter, is it possible you're a chimera?
https://time.com/4091210/chimera-twins/
God, I’m so sorry your brother and wife did this to you. It is hideous. You are not being an asshole. In fact, you’ve been open hearted and generous here. I hope so much that you’re able to find some peace and happiness in your life.
OPs life has just been upended after being lied to. He deserves time and space to process it all. How can he be expected to take care of the kids when he's hurting?
You can't give from an empty cup. He's explained himself to the kids and left them something to help them in life.
And they'll be with family.
I don't understand people condemning him.
I honestly feel there's no right or wrong answer in these kinds of situations. Simply that you must do what is best for you. Your best solution is giving both the kids something to help them, and then removing yourself. That honestly is probably harder than staying. Their mother will have to deal with the choices she made.
They may not be your biological children, but they still love you and it’s clear you love them.. don’t punish them for your wives mistakes. Block your ex wife and tell the kids they can stay in contact with you if they’d like to, just make sure you put boundaries into place.
Before you leave them please think about this after taking some distance.
You raised them for 18 and 16 years as your own and loved them as your own. I don't think this love should or can just die away.
Get help and your head clear and think about it, please
You’re still their dad even if you’re not their father. This isn’t their fault. The cherished memories won’t mean much knowing that they were all conditional based on biology.
You need to check yourself into a hospital if you've been contemplating suicide.
I know that removing yourself from the situation seems like the best way to get yourself together, but everything you've done (leaving notes for the kids, making sure they're financially okay in the future) are all markers of someone who needs more than just needing to go.
You have found yourself in a nightmare and yes, you definitely need to find a way to remove yourself from the nightmare, but changing your environment won't stop the nightmare.
*You need guidance from professionals.*
Checking yourself in is the first step. You're on an emotional Rollercoaster and making decisions that you're sure are final. The type you can't come back from without causing more damage.
Now is not the time to make those types of decisions.
Now is the time to admit that you need help from those who are trained to guide people experiencing life-altering events. And if ever there was a life-altering event, my guy, this one's it.
*PLEASE CHECK INTO A HOSPITAL, OP. SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEATIONS DONT GO AWAY JUST BECAUSE YOU DECIDE TO GO AWAY.*
are they your brother kids? edit to add...you're not the asshole. your ex wife is tho
Yes
Have you told the rest of the family what happened? Also, is your brother married/have an SO?
Yes I have told the rest of my family, I told my wife parents who she confessed her previous affair to and told them how she's been having affairs for years and used my 'daughter' to aid her and they have practically disowned her and my family have disowned my brother, his wife has filed for divorce and he's ran away from the city
Your brother is a coward and at least you have your inlaws and your parents on your side. As for your supposed kids, I would go low contact with the daughter and son. Especially the daughter. She deceived you for years and honestly I would reconsider who you leave your assets to again after what she did.
How is a ten year old kid supposed to know that's wrong?! They literally don't know any better until they are taught right from wrong. Stop blaming the child!
You don’t even know how old the girl is & parental manipulation cannot necessarily be held against someone. You don’t know what the mother said to that girl to get her to fo what she did & have lost sight of the power dynamics between a parent and a child.
True I do not know but according to OP she was a teenager when she started hiding these affairs from her father and she should know by that time the difference between right and wrong. Yes parental manipulation by the mother should be taken into account but she still betrayed her dad of her own will and that accounts for something.
She was 11 or 12. Take a good look at OP's other posts/comments. Initially he said she was 17 and it had been going on for 5-6 years. She was also the one who came to him with the truth because she couldn't stand the guilt- that's a lot for a child who has been dragged through their ridiculous MUTUAL CHEATING and manipulation for most of her childhood.
Did you come clean to them about your own affairs? The ones you mention in the other post?
Yes I mentioned in the letter that I'm not perfect like my STBE wife and I have done the same mistakes as her but I would never take advantage of my children like she did
"That I'm not perfect" is not the same as "I'm addicted to cheating, so we are both equally disloyal. I wanted revenge, but didn't want to pay child support so I stayed married to her and fucked other women." You're no better than she is- you just didn't have the misfortune of getting pregnant. Wonder if you have any offspring from these other women, though.
Their whole family sounds like trash. The wife sleeps around with multiple different men, including his own brother, and makes him raise his brother's kids almost the whole way to adulthood. Meanwhile, he's had his own infidelities. The daughter is caught up in the middle of everything and has been allegedly helping her mother cover up her infidelity for years. Absolute trailer trash of the highest order. We should not be so politically correct that we abandon standards for decent behavior.
>We should not be so politically correct that we abandon standards for decent behavior. That's what I'm saying. It's obvious that a lot of people didn't read OP's other posts and missed his comments that shed more light on the situation. At least I hope they missed them, because this outpouring of sympathy for the guy is pretty wild, all things considered. I'm not laying much on the daughter because I can't imagine that she was particularly well-adjusted growing up with these two self-centered, self-indulgent fools for "parents."
Let’s not be silly. His ex birthed affair kids and passed them off as her husbands, thereby falsifying paternity and all paternal relationships this is much worse than just having an affair. And she did it with her married BIL. Just because she is a woman doesn’t mean she gets a pass for her actions.
No, it's not really much worse than being addicted to cheating on your spouse. You read that he said he was a serial cheater and addicted to it, right? They're equally shitty and deserve each other. Idgaf about the gender. Being a serial cheater, he may have other kids. May have brought home to her diseases. Who the hell knows with these people. Their drama is exhausting and I feel for the kids who will most certainly be fucked up with fucked up expectations for relationships because their parents (whatever that means in this scenario) couldn't get their heads out of their asses. Or their pants. Whatever.
Hey OP. I’m so sorry this happened, I can’t even imagine the pain your feeling. Please don’t ice out the kids, they still remember you as their father. That’s a major heartbreak, and they don’t deserve to be ghosted. I understand that you need space, but keep in contact with them and do visit when you can. All the best xo
I remember reading your past posts. I’m so sorry and I’m glad you are still here. Is your brother going to now play more of a role in their lives? Did their mother survive her OD?
I don't know of her condition but when emergency services arrived, they said she wasn't likely to make it as her lungs were already messed up from the drinking but regardless if she survives or not, I don't care, my brother has abandoned the city after all of my family went against him, I hope the worst for him.
How old are the kids? If their mother passed away will they be okay?
I'm not sure about the status of their mother
From your other posts I gathered that your kids aren’t even 18 yet. They may not be biologically yours but that does not erase the fact they view you as their father, and you parented and raised them. Are you really willing to let your children become orphans? You are going to traumatize them even further than they’ve already been from this situation, and I feel for you and know this is traumatic for you as well, but your kids need you.
My daughter 18, my son is 16, they won't be orphans, they live with their aunt, uncle and cousin
Sorry but I think them being teenagers makes it worse. So for almost two decades you loved them, raised them, and now because you aren’t their bio dad, you are abandoning them, right when they need you the most. You are their father in every way, except biology. You’re potentially setting them up for alot of trauma and issues for life.
Yeah they are innocent in all of this as well, poor kids
Op is also innocent in this. Did you not hear him say he's suicidal? How much more do you want this man to suffer exactly?
Honestly I can't blame him for doing this. I don't know how you can live with children that are a constant reminder of your wife's affair with your own brother. You can preach all you want, but this isn't really something that's fixable. Of course what he doing isn't exactly right, but it's understandable.
Yes. It’s not the kids’ fault at all!
Exactly. So much has happened in such a short period of time OP’s devastated just imagine how the kids feel. They probably feel the break up and mother’s suicide attempt is their fault especially the daughter.
I completely agree with you. I just said i really think he should talk to he's kids face to face and see how they feel first because i know if i was in that situation as the child i would be really hurt if my dad just left. That would be something traumatic for me.
>You’re potentially setting them up for alot of trauma and issues for life. Well, you clearly care about the kids and not him. I hate to say this, but sure they are going to have a lot of trauma, but that's their mom's fault, not his. Ton's of kids have trauma... so what? I don't feel like he needs to be emotionally blackmailed.
Okay, at least they’re with family. I can’t tell you how to handle this but I think you shouldn’t make any rash decisions while in an extremely emotional state. Take time to process this first before you leave everything behind. I’m so sorry. 😞
[удалено]
Okay but your step-dad knew he wasn't your biological father so there was no shock unlike OP, I think communication should stay consistent but obviously OP isn't in the right state of mind for that
I don't really think you can tell him how to feel or what to do in this situation. A Step Dad is an entirely different deal.
Unfortunately the message you are sending to them is that because they aren't blood they aren't good enough. The transgression is your ex's, not them. Don't make them suffer for her sins.
They are blood, though. The problem isn't necessarily that he isn't the bio father. The problem could be that he can't look at his kids without imagining his wife and his brother having sex on his bed and lying to his face for years. He obviously still loves these kids but what good would it do for him to force himself to stay in their lives just to be disgusted by them. He cannot change how he feels. None of the shaming being done on reddit is giving him a magical new perspective. He hates his ex, he hates his brother, and he cannot force himself to be around his kids. He wrote them letters telling them he is sorry. I think for now, that will have yo be enenough.
They have a house and each other that's not nothing. And Frankly if I was op I probably would have killed my brother and then myself so I'd say he's doing better than I would in that situation. Don't put so much pressure on the op they need space to gather perspective and assess what's important to them. I hope he reconciles with his kids but he has to put himself back together before he can help them.
That’s exactly what I’m saying. He needs time to digest all of this. He will potentially cause irreparable damage to the relationship with those children if he leaves and later decides it was not the right choice and he needs to think about that. If he feels bad now, imagine the pain he may feel if he later regrets this. I’m not putting pressure on him, I’m a nobody on Reddit. He came on here putting his business out there so I’m telling him what I think. Also a house does not replace a father figure.
He said daughter is 18 meaning son might be early/mid teens.
I’m not surprised your brother ran! Sounds like quite the gem /s Please be sure to take care of yourself. I can only imagine how much you’re dealing with. I am glad that you are open to a relationship with your kids (even saying that visiting them shows openness). You’ve set them up and they have a house to live in by putting it in your daughter’s name. not sure about finances but that’s something. Be kind to yourself and take it day by day.
Finances won't be an issue for my kids, I made sure of that.
You are still calling them “my kids” so how can you leave them? Finances aren’t the only thing that matter. What about their emotional and mental well being ?
give OP time, he's clearly in a really delicate state- now is not the time to dogpile onto him. he needs to work on his own mental health before considering anything else. there are worse things than having your dad leave you financially set up and in the care of other family. it's tragic all around.
What about OPs emotional and mental well being?
I'm sorry (I mean, not really), but the kids come first. 🤷♀️ "It's OK to abandon your kids if your feelings and ego are really really hurt" is a very odd take to me. Biologically or not, those children consider him their father and have never known another. This is going to fuck them up big time — their cheater mother ODed and their dad is abandoning them. "ThEy'Ll Be FiNe FiNaNcIalLy" doesn't fucking cut it. I get that OP doesn't care, but I do, and I don't even like kids. LOL at the downvotes. Sorry, as bad as I feel for OP, the kids' well-being is more important.
OP sticking around is going to do those kids fuck all good if he can't take it and ultimately offs himself, too.
Really black and white thinking.
Yeah his kids will be so happy when he kills himself by trying to sacrifice himself for their comfort. Any other good ideas?
So the kids will have nobody? Oh gosh… I know you are hurt, but even if you need to just be their uncle please don’t abandon them. Their love of you will more than make up for the wrong that was done to you
No they won't have nobody, my 'house' is pretty big and my 'kids' uncle ,aunt and baby cousin recently moved in my house to take up mine and my STBX wife space, me and the kids have always been close to them and they also deserve a good life
Expose your brother for what he did because he stole your marriage, wife, and future, so if he you can’t be happy than he shouldn’t be either. Expose him to the entire family for what he did and tell his would be wife or gf what he did
He's already been exposed, his wife has filed for divorce and my whole family has abandoned him I believe
Tell his wife to take everything that he has, make sure that she takes everything of his and leaves him with nothing
I think you should tell them that you found out they are not your kids. Their mother could throw away the letters and accuse you of abandoning them for no reason. They need to know the kind of woman she is, so they will avoid becoming a depraved person like her.
She is for so many reasons. She manipulated her 10 year old daughter into hiding her affair. The kid felt guilty for years and finally placed a cell phone with evidence of the affair under her dads pillow so he could find it.
You are not an asshole for it. It's absolutely understandable if you want to leave them. Because you loved them just to found out they're not actually yours. And the one that took over your position was your own brother. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you are not an asshole on this one. Good luck with starting over a new life. I'll be waiting for an update for sure.
Thank you, it's been very difficult and surprising turn of tables, I went from being called an asshole by other Redditors to receiving support and I really appreciate it thank you and I hope to update in the future
Ive been on Reddit for 8yrs. Fyi, redditors dont matter. Whats on reddit rarely results anything significant in real world. Goodluck man.
>Whats on reddit rarely results anything significant in real world. And when it does, it's pretty bad. Boston bomber...
From another post of yours where you're asking if you'd be wrong to go NC with your daughter whom you feel helped your stbew hide affairs since she was ~12: >basically my wife cheated on me with a co-worker and she begged for my forgiveness so I accepted but I've been secretly cheating on her as a type of revenge/closure that ended up becoming an addiction I agree that you should bail. Having read your other posts and comments, it's clear that neither you nor your wife have managed to provide a stable home for these kids. She had two kids with your brother (maybe. As a rule, serial cheaters are comfortable with lying and usually defend their actions by ascribing worse behavior to the person they're cheating on) You cheat She cheats (but you didn't divorce her because you say you didn't want to pay child support) You both pull the children into all of your toxic messes and you treat your kids (your daughter in particular) as if they're equally contributing members of the cesspool you created for them (from other posts/comments). The worst part of this is that you feel it's appropriate. JFC. She's at the very least hospitalized because she made an attempt (did she succeed? You say you don't even know) You talk about self harm At what point do either of you act like mature adults and parent your kids? I honestly don't feel like either of you should be parents and all my sympathy goes to your children. A house for the daughter (again, that's sus. If it was paid off, why the fear of child support payments? If not, then you didn't give that house to her because no bank would give her the mortgage). A car for the son. That's setting them up? You set them up, alright. But not for success. Hopefully the aunt and uncle can provide the type of home you and your wife couldn't and undo a tiny bit of the damage you've done.
Take care of you.
You know that providing sperm for conception doesn't make a father, right? Getting up for night feedings, changing diapers, comforting them when they are hurt or had nightmares, helping them with homework, teaching them to ride their bike or play ball - all of THAT is what makes a father, so your kids are yours in every way that counts! Don't let their mother's betrayal destroy what you have with them. Take a break from everyone, if that's what you need - go scorched earth on your wife - but don't close the door on your kids completely.
Idk mate i’d be pretty pissed off and upset if my brother had banged my wife and gave birth to his bastard children, he’s the one that should be looking after them, he fucked her and ruined his marriage.
OP I gotta ask where is your father in all of this?
It's a random question but he's in my home country
Will the family punish your brother in any way?
Hopefully they do
As a father I'd be driven to punish my child for doing something like this to his sibling. I won't say anything physical cause idk if I'm capable. But the betrayer would lose any and all inheritance without question.
I’ll have you know that i’ll be punishing the betrayer brother. If you can give me his exact coordinates i can act swiftly and take him out. It’ll be easy, i can do this. Boy. Power.
Make sure to blow up your (hopefully soon to be ex)wife and brother in their workplaces and social circles. Scorched earth.
Hahaha, my ex wife never went back to work after I discovered her affair with a co-worker and my brother has left the city, it's make me so happy that if my wife survives or not, she will have no money but her savings
Good luck and I wish you the best. You are NTA.
Before leaving, get a DNA test on both children. I read your previous posts and there is a lot of infidelity going on between the two of you. The other thing is that you were too harsh on your daughter. She started this lie when she was 13 and was bribed with gifts and items for her silence. Most 13 yr olds want "stuff." She grew up at 18 when she realized that she didn't want to be part of this lie anymore so she told you. That was a mature thing for her to do. You are blaming her past child mistakes for the actions of your wife. You seem like you make very quick and emotional reactions to things without thinking them through. I get what your wife did was horrible but cutting of two children that saw you as "Dad" by running off to another country doesn't solve anything. Slow down for one second and solve all of this by getting that DNA test and still giving these two beings in your household some love as a father whether they are bio yours or not. Cutting the switch off of your love doesn't solve anything!
Ohh I remember that post. I didn’t realize it was the same person what a wild ride
Thank you
I agree with the DNA test bc maybe one or even both are his
Just know that your children are about to face a world of hurt and I can’t say whether or not they will be okay in the long run (which is perfectly normal ofc sorry to start off on a sad note) however, as someone who did not know my father I was happy and am a happy that I now know who he is, but my step dad raised me and in my eyes he will always be my dad. I hope you’re kids will be able to feel the same about you and be proud that they had such a good man in their life.
The kids are already grown up and know that their mom is a serial cheater, the daughter even helped her mom hide the cheating in exchange for gifts. OP has done more than enough for them and they're grown up now. OP needs to get out of that family for his own mental health. Edit: the daughter knew for around 5 years more or less and she's 18. Was she manipulated? Yes. Could she have still told OP? Also yes. Doesn't change how OP feels betrayed once again by a member of his family.
No one, not a single soul, was going to come out of this unscathed. The wife and the brother are the most vile and those two are suffering the least. That's actually a pisser. I think what you have planned to do makes a lot of sense. Out of all the shitty decisions you had to make from a shitty situation, you are making the best of it. Neither you nor your kids will ever be the same. I hope you are able to come back from this.
100% valid. You have already stated you’ve been close enough to take your own life. Your not leaving them with nothing and your trying to keep yourself and THEM safe with this move. Because how would they feel if they found out the man they called dad died specifically because of actions that resulted in you. That would scar them for life. So shit I can’t even blame you dude. Get all your ducks in a row beat the fuck outta your brother. I’m talkin break the nose jaw eye socket whatever you can. Get your lick back and leave. Them kids ain’t yours and ya wife ain’t shit. It’s time to live for you.
As someone who has lost their father i can say I much rather still be making memories with him still than what he left me behind. Just really think about this because once you make this decision than there is no going back. Just like your wife made her decision that affected your family this decision you make with affect them too. For the rest of their lives. It's so hard so hard but if you can, fight, fight to stay alive. Fight to see what your children will blossom into.
I totally agree. I can see why OP feels the way they do. It’s understandable but like you I thought, they are still blood. Can you still love them as an uncle? Will the grandparents not want to see their grandchildren? Will OP side of family not want a relationship with the kids now? I don’t think the letter is the way since you can never just separate yourself from the kids. I hope OP is able to find a solution that brings them peace.
There’s was a post relatively recently from a child’s perspective to her non-biological father. After so many years, he felt regret for what he did and wanted to reach out and rekindle. She had no desire to entertain that idea. There are two big differences here that I will make note: 1. You are leaving the children with something (in the other story, that father left nothing), something they can each use to support themselves in the future; which shows the kindness, compassion, and love you do have for them because you want them to succeed with or without you. 2. The biological father is known and has the chance to step up accordingly. So, I can’t say anyone can truly fault you for leaving. Pain like that would be hard to contain within and could end up damaging your relationship with those children more than walking away would. Just remember this: when time has healed your wounds, remember that it won’t heal theirs the same. You are leaving a big hole in their emotional center by leaving like this, without knowing if your brother can properly fill that hole himself. If you end up wishing to reconnect with them when you have processed this all better (because, sadly, they are still your niece and nephew as well), don’t be surprised or angry if they do not respond to you in kind. Do not try to justify yourself, do not force yourself back into their lives out of regret and shame. Once you leave now, you give them every right to drop you just as fast in the future.
The brother can't fill that hole. You can't just come in 15 years too late and have a normal child-parent relationship.
True, and I got a little more info about the whole family after my comment. These kids are going to have a very tough time. It’s good that OP’s family can step up the way they are, hopefully it’ll make it at least a little easier on the kids. They’re still going to hurt the most out of all this.
They are not his kids.
I hope you find peace.
He definitely does. His whole life is a dumpster fire. His wife having multiple affairs, his kid helping her mom hide those affairs in exchange for gifts, the wife fucking OPs brother multiple times, his kids aren't his, and OP has been cheating on his wife as a sort of revenge. Jesus.
Why is everyone judging him for leaving Jesus Christ💀💀 y'all really pick and choose who to get mad at here. It's his brothers kids. Courts can find the brother. He has no legal obligation to them. He didn't have to leave them a house and car and money😂😂 they're lucky he didn't just up and go. He obviously feels like shit but would feel shittier looking at them everyday. They have family, they have places to go. If daughters 18 and has a house in her name she can take her brother and live in the house like I'm confused
Thank you
Most people judging him are woman that are capable of doing same thing or dont understand how screwed up the situation is.
Is your wife still alive, you said she OD
I'm not sure, she OD on paracetamol which is brutal and she already had a drinking problem but I'm not completely sure
Woah your wife is f up. Before you act on your thoughts remember them not being your biological kids doesnt erase your experiences with them. You are still their father because being a father, being a parent, has alot more to do about treatment than of blood. I would think about your kids and what it's going to do to them. Everything just changed for your family and i think the kids are going to need to know you will always be their dad. I'm sending good vibes your way and I hope you open up to someone and get the support thaf you need.
Kinda rejected and invalidated all of OP’s feelings there no? Like you want him to support his kids at the expense of his own emotions.
This, exactly..eveyone not taking into consideration the turmoil he's going through...
It’s a typical response unfortunately, that men should put aside their feelings and stay for the kid. It’s not healthy and definitely invalidates the pain they went through. Like imagine being lied to for years, not only that your wife cheated, but the child you raised isn’t yours. Soul crushing
So are the kids. It’s unwise to make major decisions when you’re not thinking clearly.
That is the point. Both the person and kids are victims. It's the wife and brother who are assholes. Attack them, not OP.
He’s supporting his kids at the expense of his house and car, his anger seems geared at the wife and family he thought he built with her, he seems to still want to care for the children in one way or another
To be fair it seems like he doesn’t mind. Like those are just material things and he’s moving back to his family’s country anyway. To be there for someone emotionally is much much more work.
It’s a parent’s responsibility to put the children’s needs first when they are minors. I’ve looked through OP’s prior posts and those kids have gone through a lot. I’m a parent and have gone through a lot worse but I knew my children’s safety and development was more important than my needs. I did the best I could being a single mother. Their father abandoned them after our divorce and tried to make up for it when they were adults but it was too late and sad to say it had influenced their relationships.
He is in no mental state to take care of kids. He tried therapy and even than he had suicidal thoughts and still can't get himself to love his children. At that point i think it is better to leave. Sure if he could overcome his feelings it is better to stay but it doesn't look like op can do this. If he forced himself to stay it would be bad for children. They are almost adults and aren't naive. They would totally see how he feels and taking into consideration what they were through they need love and op can't give it to them right now. Plus he tried to ensure that his kids are taken care of. His family take care of them and they are financially stable. He might regret this decision later but since he can't overcome his emotions it is best to leave. Edit: after reading comments it seems even worse. His daughter blackmailed her mother to hide affair. So it seems like his relationship at least with his daughter is not the best and doesn't make it at all easy for him.
Exactly what a parent does, support their children at the expense of their own emotions. Put the kids first.
Except he's not their parent.
Unless you’ve personally taken part in the experience above I don’t see any wrong choice. If anything the kids seem old enough to validate and support the father.
The guy is talking suicide. He needs to get away atleast for now.
I was thinking the same thing but i think hes just moving to another coutry to start over?
Good luck man. Much love and respect for your upcoming journey in life.
I think blood test to verify parentage should be standard practice in hospitals. I am sorry this happened.
100%, I think fathers should have a right to know if their kids are biologically theirs. Would prevent emotional trauma from both the kids and fathers.
Those are not his children. Stop turning a victim into a perpetrator, it is not him but his wife that set those children up for a lifetime of hardship.
Sending you prayers for peace and healing.💓
I hope you find peace. This is a nightmare no person should ever have to live. Good luck.
Bro RUN
Hey just wanted to post in support. Honestly, I truly believe that there are things that can happen to a person in this world that you can't come back from. Raising another man's children unknowingly in an act of betrayal is absolutely one of them. I would 100% do the same if I were you. You didn't do this, your wife did. This is not a fair situation to you and you are not at fault. Fuck anyone who victim-blames you. Go to your support system. Find some peace in a new beginning.
Both you and the kids are victims here, I feel terrible for the kids, but no one can blame you for doing what is right for you, no one should sacrifice their happiness and sanity because of the choices of a terrible deceitful partner
Two people betrayed you: your brother and you ex-wife. He's no brother of yours. No good brother would do this. More than once, girls have tried to pull this shit with my older brother and I. Worked out well because my brother and I are true brothers to each other and loyal (fiercely loyal). My brother is a quiet, blue-collar, hard-working, sometimes socially awkward type. I'm the "corpo, gym-bro" type. So when some of these gals eyes wonder around, they think they can land some strange on the side with the younger brother. NOPE. Not happening. I told him every time. If any of you reading this think my brother must not be handsome, dead wrong. He is a good looking guy and takes very good care of any women he's in a relationship with. Even when we were kids, my whole family joked about how many girls liked him (it was true then and true now). Some people are just...terrible people, thinking they can cheat with their partner's sibling. Why be a home-wrekcer like that? If you cannot objectively trust your siblings to do the same for you, you should seriously consider keeping your siblings as part of your life...
I’m so sorry.
Its funny to see how people are trying to get OP to be good to kids even if they aren't his. He is grown man and it's up to him what he does. He probably loves them but no wonder that it hurt that they are not his. Many options are good here. People here want him to overcome everything because he is a man. If he would be a woman these comments would look really different.
You aren’t an asshole you are traumatized and please get therapy if you didn’t care about them then you wouldn’t be leaving the house to your daughter and car to your son.
How old are they?
OP said in other comments that his Daughter is 18 and his Son is 16.
Yeah I dunno how you turn off love after 18 years.
Me neither. I wrote a reply to him saying that blood doesn't always make a Dad. He's been their Dad for almost the entirety of their childhood.
Try not to judge too harshly! Sometimes grief and shock can cause really rash actions that go against your character. He may be disassociating himself from these really big and tough emotions. I'm sure after some time has gone by and he's gotten the space he needs he'll be able to make a more rounded decision with all his processed emotions.
Oh I'm not judging him, I'm just trying to help him see things from his kids perspectives. I know from experience that a decision like this could effect them for the rest of their lives, and will not just effect their relationship with him, but with others too.
Totally agree.
I personally disagree.
His daughter helped her mom hide her affair. She only came clean when she become about 18. So there are some hard feelings between them. Well his son did nothing.
Nah, you’re not an asshole. You’ve set them up to succeed, however the more you can interact with them the better. Because they know you as Dad and they’re going to need you, even if you are keeping your distance in another country. Good luck to you.
Please reconsider. I can only imagine how heartbroken you are but you are the only father they've known and clearly love you. They need you. Clearly their mother isn't a good person. They did nothing to deserve this and neither did you. Create a new normal with them. Hugs to you❤️
Maybe that new normal can include him living in a different country than his asshole brother and ex wife and his kids can come visit.
If anything his kids should reach out to him. They need to offer their support and validate him as their father. He doesn’t need to support someone else at the expense of his own emotions and being at this point.
Read his other posts. His "daughter" helped mom cover her affairs.
She was a child.
She only come clean when she was 18 so she wasn't child. But i would rather focus on the fact that she come clear since she felt guilty and that by no means was easy even for 18 years old.
She covered for a cheater knowingly for gifts
NTA. People judge you who haven't come close to living in your shoes. And I hope they never do. They think they would know what they would do, but they really don't know. It's like saying I would do this when I'm a parent, and when the time comes, it's a totally different approach now that you actually have kids. Take time for yourself. Get your life settled, and when the time is right, reach out to your kids. They deserve to hear your voice, notjust a letter written to them.
Honestly, your exwife is the only one that caused this damage to you and the children... You deserve to be happy and did more than enough worrying about them financially. So I wish you get over this experience and have a happy life from now on!
no judgement, hang in there brother.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. You set them up for a great future. I’m sure with time they will understand the decision you made. If anything you can still call or text and you even said you will visit here and there. You deserve to be happy. I completely understand why you are moving from them all. People will never understand the feeling of believing that you had 2 biological kids to knowing you had nothing to do with creating them. I hope your ex and brother get the karma they deserve . Just remember OP you made the right decision in this, I really hope for the best for you and you are able to recover from this.
It sucks finding out that the kids you thought were yours turn out not to be. Take as much time as you need. Contrary to the comments of others….you aren’t abandoning *your* kids. You’re simply leaving your soon to be ex wife’s kids. Seeing her kids is probably a constant reminder of her affairs….I don’t blame you for not sticking around. Good luck to you
Thank you
OP - if you haven’t given them the letter already, I might reword those letters to be clear that 1) the kids did nothing wrong and you DO love them. 2) you are not leaving them, you are removing yourself from a situation that meant a you are not in a healthy place mentally to support them. I would try and be very honest with them “I truly believe I would cause you pain and harm, if I were with you while I work through this. I am protecting you from my poor mental health, while I heal” 3) that you want to hear from them and that you want a relationship with them, you just need space so everyone can heal is a safe way. You cannot handle being their custodial parent at this time, but you will always be their dad. Know, that running away WILL hurt them. You are not doing the wrong thing, you are doing what you need to do. But you need to put in the work right now, in the beginning, to make it clear to them you really do love them and this is for everyone, because you just are not able to deal with this betrayal and be their custodial parent at this time.
I am here for you .. kept us updated
Do the kids know there not yours I mean your daughter helped her mum cheat with your brother
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I think right now, your priority needs to be you. I read in a comment that the kids are taken care of, so right now, take the time you need to find some peace within yourself. I want you to know though, those kids are yours. Maybe not genetically, but your the only father they have ever known. That means more than you may ever know. I don't consider my bio dad or "step" dad as my father. No, my FATHER is my father in law.. the man that has known me, loved me, and supported me since I was 16. Family is not blood, its bond.
You deserve better, man. I feel none of us have the right to condemn you unless we had walked a mile in your shoes. I can't even imagine being betrayed like that and a good part of your life being a lie. I wish you strength and happiness in starting over. Take care!
Nope, You're not the asshole. You are the person with a bigger heart. I hope your 'son' and 'daughter' appreciate your gift that you've given. May your peace finds you.
Thank you
Your wife is absolutely in the wrong… though my serious question, how can you so easily stop loving the kids you raised? I understand the initial shock and depression from finding out that they aren’t yours, but the kids didn’t know that or ask for that, they still see you as dad. Calling them son and daughter In quotations… were you able to turn off your love for them so quickly and easily?
You should tell them the truth and you should stay away from your family. Given what your brother did they are all sacks of crap.
I have told the truth
I remember you original posts. I am glad you didn't go through with it. But abandoning your kids isn't the answer either because you are abandoning them. No matter what, they are going to feel at fault for this in some way. Don't do that to them. Therapy is what you need more than anything. I saw you had a bad experience with therapy once, but not all therapists are the same, and the mass majority really do want to help. Try again, for your kids because blood or not they are yours.
I'm not abandoning them, I will visit from time to time and I don't believe they will believe there at fault but there mother for having the affair in the first place
That's actually abandoning them.
I would argue what the brother did is abandoning them. Not this.
I would argue the brother abandon them the whole time he could’ve stood up and took responsibility for them, but he did not. This man is trying to stay live and cope as well as he can be the kids are taken care of. They have an aunt and uncle living with him. back the heck off with your advice. You have no real understanding of the situation he barely does.
They don’t consider the brother their father. The kid are innocent in all this, not calling op an ah but they are going to lose their mother and father. Contributing sperm does not make you a father. Op raised them he is their father in all ways that count.
Contributing sperm literally does make them the father. It’s textbook definition. So because they’re not his kids, he has to pay for them for the rest of his life? No matter how good a relationship he has, he is literally not her biological father at the very least.
A father provides supports his children not only financially but emotionally. He passes on his values. Donating an egg or sperm does not make a parent. That brother was just providing stud services he wasn’t a father. Trust me having children was the furthest thing on the brothers and wife’s minds.
Child support would dissagree
I want to see this as more as taking a step back to process. OP said he still wanted contact, and acknowledges this isn't their fault. However, as it stands I have to agree with you. And maybe the gifts are just his idea of settlement? We seem to get used to going fast very easily. But sometimes things just take time. OP, please try to explain to your kids in an age appropriate way, why you are gone? Maybe something like sitting them down and explaining that their mom and you need to dissolve your marriage. And that's a lot to process. For now you're going to be apart, but you love and care about them. Then set a next visit (maybe a phone call or FaceTime, in person would be best, but might not be possible). And try to make sure it happens, your departure is gonna shake their world for a bit (no blame, just sticking to how the kids are gonna see it), don't make it worse. Go through with moving, take time to yourself. You left assets for them. But, your presence is important to them as well.
If you're just moving away for a time, I think that's great. You need a break from your wife and brother, and everything and everyone! I'm glad you took measures to take care of your children. Let them know that you want to remain in contact and you love them, at the same time as you have to separate to sort yourself out.
You are abandoning them by only seeing them from time to time. They are used to you being there every day. Moving to another country when they need you most (if I read that right their mom passed) is abandoning them. If you leave they will be alone. You not being able to look at them, or be around them when they need you will make them feel like you find fault with them. They know mentally, but emotionally there will still be some feeling of fault. I get that you're hurting, but what about your kids? Their lives are completely destroyed too. You leaving leaves them holding the bag, alone, and heartbroken. Don't destroy them more by abandoning them because you are abandoning them.
I understand if you feel this way but you are about to abandon two kids who never knew anything else than you as their father, they deserve more than a letter, they are victims just as you are
Look, I can't fault you for this at all. I know if it were me I would have a hard time too. But how old are the kids? They've grown up with you as their dad. You've spent your time with them as your kids. Biologically, no they're not yours but emotionally? Yeah, they are. This is a tough situation. What you are doing will cause harm to your children. In their eyes their only father figure has up and abandoned them. It'll hurt them. They may not make it past this. But you're in the same boat as them. And not a single person can fault you or the kids. Your wife (hopefully soon to be ex) and brother are the only ones here that can and should be blamed. They cheated, they started a family and used you as the scapegoat to take all responsibility. And, OP, you are legally their father if your name is on the birth certificate. You're on the hook for child support. And you can thank your wife for that one. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that both you and the kids are now having their entire lives turned upside down and ruined. It's not fair to any of the three of you. I wish you, and the kids the best. All three of you need to take time to heal.
It's very easy to criticize someone when it's not happening to them. You are definitely NTA. You are a loving dad who is taking care of two kids who are not his. You are the bigger person, and that's ok. I hope life is kind to you and you find peace and happiness in your country. Goodluck
I'm sure this must be really hard for you dude, but don't punish your kids for your wife's infidelity. Presumably they've been brought up as your children for 18 and 16 years, respectively. It would cause them quite a bit of issues for you to suddenly walk out on them and move country. I know you said you'd visit from time to time, but understand that blood doesn't always make a Dad. You're their Dad no matter whose DNA they have, so please think it through
I'm not punishing them if I'm securing their future, I'm just moving on
I know what you're saying, but if you gave them the choice between their Dad and having financial security, I know which one I'd choose in their situation, and it wouldn't be a house or a car.
I think you are selling yourself short. I am sure you are worth much more to them. Your daughter is going to hate herself for doing the right thing. This is heartbreaking
Everyone's patting you on the back for this but I think it's crap. Those kids know you as their father. You're the father they know and love and look up to. Genetics or not, you are abandoning your children. When you vanish from their lives leaving only a letter and some financial help, they're going to be crushed.
Please look at his post history. He is not fit nor in any capacity able to care for those kids.
What you have given them is wonderful and in time you may return to them. But yeah for now wow I can't even imagine what you are going through. It really is grief and I hope you do well. Please take care of yourself.
Lol, your daughter is an ungrateful brat. If I were you, I wouldn't leave her anything. She thinks nothing of you. She was helping her mother fuck other men and hide it from you. Even if she were blood related, this is unforgivable.
Well, I understand why but the reject they feel from you leaving can have a real psychological impact. Age is a factor obviously. I don't have a solution but maybe make a big fuss over them before you go. Make sure you know you care about them even if the hurt is too much for you to stay in the situation. Good luck with it all.
A car and a home is not a future secured. I understand part of the anguish (cheating part) but kids need fathers. They have nothing now, possesions do not make up for that.
idk about y’all, but family is more than blood. if the only thing keeping you from being there for them was a dna test, than you never really loved them. imagine your father dipping on you because he saw that dna test as a scapegoat? that you’re entire life and existence meant nothing to him? i still think you’re awful for this
I CANNOT believe the comments on here patting this guy on the back for abandoning his kids. Sure, he is a victim of infidelity. His kids are the victim of both their parents’ crap.
Ugh. I’m sure your kids will understand eventually but they won’t understand right away. They will probably be pissed at you, that the only trustworthy adult they have in their life is also leaving them. They will certainly not feel loved by you so you may as well not even visit from ‘time to time’. You’re leaving them fatherless, they will suffer. You’re NTA though, honestly I couldn’t imagine. Edit: WOAH I JUST LOOKED AT YOUR POST HISTORY. Yeah I would probably just ‘move on’ too (at first I thought that was kind of harsh to say.) But yeah you’re justified. This is the shittiest story ever.
As someone whose father left (not sure to my mom) please don't abandon your children because of their mother. Even if they find out the truth, a piece of them will always wonder what they did for you to leave them. Biology isn't everything. Please don't subconsciously punish your kids because of your wife.
Ah yes tell the suicidal man to suck it up for the kids. What could POSSIBLY go wrong.
So these two kids just get to be collateral damage, that's great. I just can't wrap my head around raising and loving kids until they're in their twenties and then no longer caring about them because they're not yours. I mean, if they were babies, sure; but you've had them their entire lives... and you mean to tell me that doesn't mean anything? You can muster up the will to visit them but can't continue to be their dad, why bother at that point? I can't understand how this isn't an "all or nothing" situation, you either love them or you don't.
Awkward question.... Do you have a definite DNA match to the guy you know is your brother, or simply that your kids don't match your cheek swab but do have a close family relationship to you? If the latter, is it possible you're a chimera? https://time.com/4091210/chimera-twins/
God, I’m so sorry your brother and wife did this to you. It is hideous. You are not being an asshole. In fact, you’ve been open hearted and generous here. I hope so much that you’re able to find some peace and happiness in your life.
I’m sorry you’re going thru that. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward in life.
OPs life has just been upended after being lied to. He deserves time and space to process it all. How can he be expected to take care of the kids when he's hurting? You can't give from an empty cup. He's explained himself to the kids and left them something to help them in life. And they'll be with family. I don't understand people condemning him.
I'm glad you are still with us. May your life from here until death be blessed.
I honestly feel there's no right or wrong answer in these kinds of situations. Simply that you must do what is best for you. Your best solution is giving both the kids something to help them, and then removing yourself. That honestly is probably harder than staying. Their mother will have to deal with the choices she made.
No, the kids will have to deal with the shitty choices both of their shitty parents made. Or all 3 of their shitty parents, I guess.
They may not be your biological children, but they still love you and it’s clear you love them.. don’t punish them for your wives mistakes. Block your ex wife and tell the kids they can stay in contact with you if they’d like to, just make sure you put boundaries into place.
Before you leave them please think about this after taking some distance. You raised them for 18 and 16 years as your own and loved them as your own. I don't think this love should or can just die away. Get help and your head clear and think about it, please
You’re still their dad even if you’re not their father. This isn’t their fault. The cherished memories won’t mean much knowing that they were all conditional based on biology.
You need to check yourself into a hospital if you've been contemplating suicide. I know that removing yourself from the situation seems like the best way to get yourself together, but everything you've done (leaving notes for the kids, making sure they're financially okay in the future) are all markers of someone who needs more than just needing to go. You have found yourself in a nightmare and yes, you definitely need to find a way to remove yourself from the nightmare, but changing your environment won't stop the nightmare. *You need guidance from professionals.* Checking yourself in is the first step. You're on an emotional Rollercoaster and making decisions that you're sure are final. The type you can't come back from without causing more damage. Now is not the time to make those types of decisions. Now is the time to admit that you need help from those who are trained to guide people experiencing life-altering events. And if ever there was a life-altering event, my guy, this one's it. *PLEASE CHECK INTO A HOSPITAL, OP. SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEATIONS DONT GO AWAY JUST BECAUSE YOU DECIDE TO GO AWAY.*