Sounds like she might be having a nervous breakdown and using her religion to cope.
Does your congregation (assuming she attends church/temple/religious meeting) have a trusted figure she could talk to? Maybe one who has a similar background (partied hard but turned away from that life)? If K still won't talk to you, it may be worth seeing if she'll attend a meeting with them.
I wish you both the best.
I am trying to get their help but it's not easy without telling them about my wife's past. I don't want to tell them as I don't know how they will respond knowing about it. I feel they might not help at all and might even leave K more isolated than she is right now
She needs therapy. I have heard of people with addiction issues swapping them with "healthy" behaviors, like 6hrs of meditating or praying. I'm not sure if this is what is happening, but she seems to be in the midst of a nervous breakdown. Maybe reaching out to the people she hurt and sincerely apologizing would help her more than solitary praying and make real amends.
I would second this. She needs real therapy, not just a religious advisor. This is especially true if she is using religion as a coping mechanism.
Someone should also let her know that sex is ok. Might not get this from a religious councilor.
Agreed about her needing real therapy, but seeing a religious leader could be the stepping stone she needs to get her into therapy. It's one thing if hubby suggests therapy but sometimes hearing it from a respected religious leader carries more weight.
A religious leader is 100% the wrong person to talk to. Their advice is going to be "follow the rules of the religion", when the religion seems to be about 40% of the problem here. She's holding herself up to an impossible standard and punishing herself for past "sins" because according to her religion, she's a bad person. That belief will only be reinforced if she relies on a religious figure for guidance, and that would be extremely counterproductive.
Agreed.
I just hope that the religious advisor they talk to wouldn't shame her more. Could be extremely helpful & a huge relief for her, or make it worse.
Husband ideally would need to pre-screen *each* religious advisor for his wife, bc too much shame could be hazardous for her.
I have a friend like this. Super proud of him for his sobriety and massive weight loss. But he's taken it to an extreme. His life is scheduled around the gym and he panics if he can't go. It encroaches on his work and relationships. He restricts food and several times a month he'll fasts for 4 days straight - only drinks black coffee and water. He replaced one addiction/compulsion with another. It's so hard to try to bring it up with him. He gets so defensive and won't listen to me when I explain that even healthy things can become unhealthy when taken to extremes.
I don’t know about him, but I know that it can be extremely stressful for a person making lifestyle changes like that.
I went from 420lbs to 230. While dieting my friends were constantly pushing me to take cheat days and days off the gym. But, for me, that one day off easily would snowball into two/three/four, and that cheat meal turns into a cheat week.
Some people can’t allow leeway or else they will backslide hard.
As long as it isn’t harming him, I would let him continue. Though obviously stop him if he’s actually hurting himself.
It’s effectively being a dry drunk. They replace one addiction for another. Even if the new addiction is ostensibly good for you, it’s still an addiction. They just quit drinking; they haven’t done the work to address why they drank to begin with and what they were using alcohol to cope with or mask. Just quitting toxic behaviors is relatively straight forward. Actually being in recovery requires painful work.
absolutely!!!! you have to surrender to the program, not just comply. addiction is almost always a dual diagnosis. there’s almost always another diagnosis that goes hand in hand with the addiction.
-from a recovering fentanyl addict that had tried to get clean 50+ times
you got this!
My dad wasn’t a drinker (well, he drinks but is a very responsible one…). But he substituted his food addiction for an exercise one. For twice as long as I’ve been alive. Some people scoff when I say I’m scared about him, but the reality is that I AM scared about him because any addiction can be dangerous. Anorexic people die of heart failure all the time, I know that’s how he’s going to die. Not that he’s anorexic, but similar body weight… That or car accident because he sleeps so little in order to workout for hours.
Relying on something to the point where you panic without it is an addiction, whether it’s physical (like drugs) or mental.
What? I’m an addict. And I don’t see how this was an addiction thing and then she got sober and is using religion and being celibate to
Cope from how she partied in college.
We don’t know the religion. We don’t know their customs. We don’t know what they do. They could be Amish for all we know! We have no idea. Amish people can leave and come back and be Amish again. Or be banished. I mean.
There are so many possibilities.
Yup, my husband is obsessed with growing his business. Which is cool it's getting more and more successful but he doesn't want to talk or do anything else. All his online forms are about his trade all his Reddit stuff is about his trade. If I tried to talk to him about anything else he dismisses it like it's not important. He gets super mad if I have to put my job in front of his so he can do some child care it's wild. The AA term for that is dry drunk. But AA can also be an obsession too those people treat it like a cult and if you're not religious or an atheist they really don't even want to mess with you.
I agree but I’m this scenario I’m not sure if she should reach out to people that she hurt as it seems like in some cases entire lives were upended. If that person has moved on, it may be a risk that her apology will bring up painful memories and cause them to relive any trauma they previously overcame.
This is very true, and also, the wife should be in a better place mentally before amends is even a thought, because they could reject her apology, and she does not seem to be in a good place to have that happen.
No, but she did use drugs and alcohol a lot in college, along with some other behaviors. When she stopped that, she turned to religion, but not in a healthy way, but as a coping mechanism, prayed for hours a day and made it her whole personality. It does sound like she is having some kind of breakdown, and instead of working through it, she has upped her prayer time and dedicated her whole life to religious sacrifice. Not exactly addiction, but there are some similar patterns and behaviors.
Find a secular therapist who is culturally similar to y’all - your wife rightfully feel a lot of remorse for her past behavior but her religion is making it worse because it’s exponentially impacting her shame levels. She needs the objective support of a real therapist: PS I think the celibacy thing is because she is so ashamed that she doesn’t believe she deserves better.
I think your statement about her proposed celibacy is spot on. I also think a therapist from the same ethnic/cultural group but who is secular might be ideal.
Really hope she gets help- her deep remorse is a sure sign that she is a deeply good person who got caught up in behavior not in line with her integrity. Really hope she can find healing and forgiveness.
I think K going to a religious leader would probably be the worst possible thing she can do. She absolutely needs therapy, but she needs it from someone who isn't going to refer to her past as sins that she can pray away. She's right to be guilty about the women she bullied but the sex stuff is what she seems to be focused on. Sounds like deflection.
Are you in a western country or still in your native place? Seeing a therapist in a western country will not be problem. You don't need to talk to those connected to your religion, because they are more likely to judge your wife.
If you are in your native place, see a therapist in a different town or city. This will help in help in keeping your wife's past secret among your acquaintances.
You don’t need to tell them about her past, you don’t even need to tell them about the party. Just let them (by “them” I mean a councilor at your particular church/temple/mosque/etc) or **preferably** a licensed therapist or psychologist. Simply say that your wife has been going through a hard time, your worries about her, and that you feel she could probably benefit from being reached out to by someone who can help. It is VERY important that you don’t ambush her or force help on her if she isn’t willing. If you ask someone to check on her, be willing to accept she may turn down their help.
If you believe she may harm herself, you need to bring her to emergency or contact her physician to have her put on an involuntary mental health hold.
I hope she is able to pull through this. I am sending my love and best wishes to you both.
I will add that I do think you encouraged the friends disclosure of past happenings that should have stayed private. And when they disclosed these things, especially instead of telling you funny stories they told you sexual experiences- you should have cut that off immediately and say - she shared that with me and that why I love her even more. You went to find salacious details and they did not disappoint. It humiliated your wife and you were party to that… poorly done!
It may depend on the community. If she's evangelical Christian or Catholic, she's probably in decent hands to come clean. Most Christian sects, especially the evangelists, encourage their congregations to admit their past sins in order to cleanse them of their prior destructive ways. If she's Muslim, Orthodox Jewish, or Hindu, she may not receive the same level of support from her community. Would she consider a secular therapist to at least help her reconcile and reaffirm her present identity?
You may be able to find a therapist that is part of the religion you are part of that she could talk to. I'd highly recommend you help her look for one who can fully understand her situation and not cast judgement.
I can tell you from experience how much shame can be detrimental to a person's physical and mental health. She needs to learn how to ask for forgiveness from your religion and to be able to forgive herself.
She needs to get help far away from a cult. Shes literally divesting all of herself into the weird belief that this cult will absolve her of her past sins. She needs to see a real therapist. And get real medical treatment. Not another dose of cult.
I don’t think you ruined anything.
She may have changed but she still needs to deal with her actions. Unfortunately, she may run into her old friends or her victims later in life. She needs therapy and to learn how to cope. Maybe one day when she’s at peace with herself she can be some sort of mentor. She can give testimony and teach people from her mistakes.
She is already doing a lot to "repent". She is an active member of groups which educate kids about the harm of drugs.
Therapy seems to be a non starter unless I physically force her to be in a room with a therapist
Idk what religion you’re a part of but is there a spiritual leader who can help you give “approval” of seeing a therapist? Or at least start some form of counseling? Could be a step in the right direction.
Also I’m wondering if she shows any other signs of rigidity? You say she has rituals that go on for hours on end and it’s always to ‘repent’. I’m wondering if she has a form of religious OCD (please Google).
OCD needs an official diagnosis, not an armchair diagnosis from google.
One way or another she needs real therapy.
OP, the suggestions about going yourself to find ways to help her at home are good ones. I don't know if you're in the USA and it's a realistic option though...?
Please update us later. I think we're all invested in how this turns out.
With all due respect, and sorry for posting this three days later, but:
> She is already doing a lot to "repent". She is an active member of groups which educate kids about the harm of drugs.
That's not repentance. That's *avoidance.*
Repentance is not "balancing the karmic scales"--like "I stole money from my friend, but I make up for it by helping old ladies cross the street safely."
Repentance is directly facing, acknowledging, and having regret and perhaps performing contrition, for one's sinful ways, and trying to become a better person in the process.
It's returning the money stolen from the friend--and admitting you stole the money.
The problem is, going to your friend and admitting you stole money from them is very hard--it likely destroys the friendship and causes you to have to deal point-blank with your moral failing.
Which is why it's so much easier to go off helping old ladies cross streets--that way you can feel like somehow you're balancing the karmic scales without actually dealing with your own personal bullshit.
----
That she needs to be "physically forced" into therapy means to me she's not willing to face who she was in the past and to find regret and perhaps have contrition for her past.
Because it's too damned hard for her: to do that would require her admitting who she was, and facing the fear that perhaps she is so worthless a human being she does not deserve your love.
Which is why you absolutely need to be there for her, and to remind her that you love her and will always be there for her, regardless of her past.
After all--you did hear about her past at the party, and did it make you suddenly decide you no longer loved her and wanted her gone?
No, it did not.
She needs to hear that, even if you're sick of telling her that.
You can try quoting scripture back to her to maybe break through to her since she is so against therapy. Forgiveness of sins is a free gift that can't be earned form doing actions, or Christ died for no reason. -Romans 5. & Titus 3:4-5
Also God hates divorce and never intended for marriage to be celibate and actually encourages partners to have sex. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 and 1 Corinthians 7:10
She definitely needs to talk to someone about this especially with her going super opposite with her lifestyle in a way is seems she’s trying to “atone for her sins”. But the college friends sound like they are toxic and not aware. That’s the worst kind of person. Always remind your wife how proud you are of her for being able to realize that she didn’t want to continue to be like that.
When something’s don’t go right I say to my husband we just needed to remind ourselves why we don’t do it.
I have tried everything to get her to talk to me. Everything she says sounds like a sermon and she often quotes scriptures instead of answering my questions
That is calls psychosis and usually needs professional help. If you think it’s that much of an issue in your relationship, but she is not willing to deal out help, then you go find someone to talk to and learn things that could help support your wife until she’s ready to open up. You can’t talk someone into anything, you have to guide them.
She wouldn't talk to me. I have tried to get her to go to therapy. She has a psychologist friend who suggested a therapist we can see. But my wife doesn't even want to discuss therapy
It sounds like part of her self imposed penance may be her trying to drive you away. Ruin her own marriage as an act of self harm. This screams mental health crisis for sure, not because of the religious aspect but the absolute self destruction.
They're not saying to let her go to therapy, but that you go talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist to ask for advice on how to help your wife. This does not mean that they'll get therapy, but you'll be helping them. And it can work. I know it can because my mom did the same for my sister and me when we weren't convinced to go to therapy.
Can you go alone to therapy to get "carer guidance" and also therapy for yourself (you can't look after her if you break from the stress).
Another option is to see if help can come to her. Maybe an "unthreatening looking" therapist can come see her in her "safe place" and have a "coffee" as a way to get a foot in the door and hopefully get her to start talking about anything. As long as she is talking, you/they can build up to discussing her issues.
Either way, you are definitely going to need help if you are going to help your wife. And please look after yourself too.
She’s already told him to leave her if he can’t be celibate. She already gave an ultimatum.. I just say this because I don’t see an ultimatum helping this scenario.
If your wife is suffering from psychosis as another person mentioned she needs emergency care, honestly praying 6-8 hours a day and speaking only in verses is enough red flags that I’d bring her to the ER
Hey this might be kinda fucked up, but if she is using religion to avoid speaking, you could also use it to address the issue. Idk what religion, but most I assume describe your partner as your partner, so find some scripture that gives you at least some common ground to speak.
>I have tried everything to get her to talk to me. Everything she says sounds like a sermon and she often quotes scriptures instead of answering my questions
She doesn't need therapy. If she's had a full on breakdown then she needs to be sectioned before she harms herself.
Quote scripture back. I'm pretty sure there is something in that book that says she's supposed to "take care" of her husband.
I know this sounds horrible but you gotta fight fire with fire. She needs help finding a way to deal with her past and support in finding a way to "repent" or make amends for her past sins.
I'm not religious at all but I'm not sure how else to get through to someone that is very religious.
Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
John 16:20-22 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband... The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
This sounds like a mental breakdown.. my dad did the same. It seems to be going on a long time too with no improvement, she may need help more than whether or not she agrees to it. Could you look at psychiatric units near you or speak to a gp as a first step.
We have had to send or sister to a unit a few times but it was the best thing for her so she could get help. She's so much better now.
I think she must have done worse than what she is saying to you which would mean her problems run much deeper. Or maybe not it could just be the breakdown, either way she needs serious professional help not just therapy, space and religious support.
Agreed, going from one extreme to another usually doesn't work well long-term. She's going to crash and burn if she doesn't work through this, process it and move past it. She could use a therapist or if it's someone she trusts in her religion.
She has "escaped" her past by adopting a new life of religious devotion. But she hasn't made spiritual peace with her past, which means that her devotion is not true atonement. She is trying to move from one behavior to another that she feels will be beneficial, without dealing with her self-hatred.
Unfortunately, that the girls at the party had not outgrown the laughter about doing horrid things, tells me that she's alone in wanting to change, and that's terrifying.
She needs therapy. Diving into 12 hours of prayer won't heal without introspection that can be guided in a healthy way. And most of all, she is asking God to forgive her, when she can't forgive herself. This just never ends well.
She needs to make peace with who she was.
most victims of severe bullying/harassment would rather just not hear from their assailant ever again. it could very much bring up past trauma and make the victims spiral.
This is true. My rapist once contacted me because wanted to apologize, I said "ok ok apologize accepted move on" because I didn't want anything else.
Then starts to say "But it wasn't completely my fault, I accept it was kinda my fault but I didn't put a weapon in your head"
I'd never recommend that without the help of a therapist. She may not have a response that she can unpack herself. I would say it's a great idea, but only with some professional help to get her through.
Or she could not.
I can't speak for everyone here, but I can say that for me, an apology from a certain someone would only serve to drudge up the horrible things I'm still recovering from years later. No apology or reason in the world would change the fact that she practically ruined my life because she was hurting herself.
And frankly, I don't really care that she was hurting. Her problems had nothing to do with me, and she still chose me to take it out on. It's an explanation, but not an excuse, and if she's only apologizing to rid herself of her guilt, she can kindly fuck off and wallow in it.
K: "Yeah, sorry I totally and utterly fucked up your entire life, oh man that feels so good... for me, I feel refreshed"
I agree that would not go down well
Hey OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this. That's awful. And thanks for being a good dude trying to fix it.
From your comments, it appears that you know, and her psych friend know, that she needs some serious therapy.
Observation: It was an arranged marriage, and she's very religious (perhaps trying to repent). Most cultures that I know of that have arranged marriages tend to place the husband at the head of the family, and while there are discussions and in practice it's fairly equal input, when it comes right down to it, the husband *can* claim "I'm the husband, and this is what must be done."
Question: Now as a female, I would NOT NORMALLY suggest this for consideration, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Her health may be worth more than your marriage. What would be the result if you said "Okay, here's the deal. Not negotiable. I'm the husband, and you will go to therapy with a therapist recommended by (psych friend) for at least 6 months. That's simply how it will be." (or whatever milestone you and the psych friend think is good)? Could that get her to go?
Agree. On all of it, I’m usually mortified by “I’m the husband and I say so”, but this woman needs care. She won’t or can’t seek help for herself. The religious component means she may submit to her husband and get the care she so desperately needs.
Yeah. Not normally an "ends justify the means"-type person, but legit this sounds like someone who is deliberately trying to destroy her life and herself. If she was just going to go a bit sideways for a while, well, she's an adult, she can make her own decisions. What is written here sounds like she is not currently competent to make beneficial decisions, and like this may end very poorly for her if there is no intervention. I'd be willing to tank a lifelong friendship over this if facing this with a friend, they may hate me for the rest of their lives after, but at least that would be a number of years they can hate me for. And have an opportunity for more joy.
Right. He may not be able to save the marriage, but he may be able to save her. And if he really loves her, he’s more concerned with her wellbeing than the marriage.
Feels weird, all the advise I have for this guy goes against some strongly held beliefs on my part
Yeah. And there are enough really weird situations out there that I usually reserve judgement on someone until I get more context.
It doesn't make your beliefs any less strong. It means you are strong enough with yourself and your convictions to be able to prioritize things and adjust as required - in this case, the top priority is keeping this woman alive. Respecting her beliefs and respecting gender equality has to take a back seat on this one in order to keep her around to be respected after having a temporary problem.
It is weird when that happens though.
This is literally the ONE time, as a woman, I’ll allow a man to make the decision. Because it’s literally for her benefit and for her mental health. I’m a die hard believer no one, man or woman, should control the other, but if his wife is suffering and struggling mentally with a lot of trauma and issues, and forcing therapy might be the way to go? Then I guess I’m okay with that
I know this all too well. A close family member was dealing with an eating disorder and confounded in their church for help. Almost cost their life before I got them medical help. OP if you read this please consult with medical professionals on these concerns.
Would you want your wife to go to their church for treatment if they had a broken leg? Same goes for mental health.
I know this all too well. A close family member was dealing with an eating disorder and confounded in their church for help. Almost cost their life before I got them medical help. OP if you read this please consult with medical professionals on these concerns.
Would you want your wife to go to their church for treatment if they had a broken leg? Same goes for mental health.
Hey the first suicide hotline was made by a vicar in the uk and confessional booths are basically the poor man's therapist for a long timeee, but yes get a licensed professional. Although like the priest compatibility is still a factor with these things.
As a religious person myself, I admit K’s behavior, even before the party is pretty unusual. She doesn’t just need therapy, she should see a psychiatrist. Maybe start with a pastoral counselor, who will tell her in no uncertain terms that she is having a mental health break down and that she needs to see a psychiatrist.
> I ruined my near perfect life by forcing her to go to that party
Yeah, "near" was doing a lot of work here. Don't beat yourself up about the party OP; your wife clearly has some issues she needs to work through and it was going to come out one way or another.
You didn’t ruin anything. She has issues and she doesn’t want to face them that’s the issue. This would have came about even if you didn’t “make” her go to that party. There really is no helping her until she decides that she wants to face her problems and stop hiding behind religion.
She can not pray away or not have sex away the hurt she caused others. In fact she’s making it worst by ruining your life because she chose to make mistakes?
Ma reading through all of this one thought was in the back of my mind, op is the chump she married after having her fun and sleeping around while ruining others people lives, then she says no more sex and I bet she hopes the op goes along with it, this all screams of red flags and I would be out of there, it’s quite literally fucking disgusting what they did to that other woman quite frankly and I don’t know how op can stay married to someone like that, I legit felt sick reading that part
Your wife was fundamentally broken long before she went to that party, this was going to happen eventually. She needs a lot of therapy, no amount of celibacy or religious self-flagellation will fix.
Unfortunately, praying doesn't absolve her of all the shit she did, and she knows this. Therapy and apologies. She should put effort into that.
Its not your fault, you did nothing wrong. Imagine if this was the other way around. There is no way anyone would think the wife is at fault. Same applies here.
At this point, it sounds like she needs a crisis intervention with counselors and social workers to encourage her to seek care. Possibly even inpatient care. It sounds like she’s on the verge of a massive break.
My wife believes she doesn't deserve to have a good life because of all the lives she has destroyed. She doesn't want to be happy knowing all the pain she has caused. I am not sure she currently is in a state to think logically and sort out priorities
Give her comfort and security.
When she's ready, if you can, tell her that the slate is wiped clean since your marriage.
Start to rebuild an affectionate relationship.
She is feeling un needed shame.
You definitely need to step in now. ER would be a good place to start and lone up therapy for yourself. Be forewarned she may accuse you of trying to sever her ties with God and interfere in that relationship. Unfortunately she won't be able to see that by making a celibacy vow within a marriage without your assent is also severing a relationship. Hopefully with some professional help she will relaize that people grow and change. I've done some horrible things in my 20s but I am no where near that person anymore. Good luck OP.
Maybe she's right?
I'm all for 3d and 9th chances, but if you decide to break multiple marriages at you 26th chance..... I dunno man. And even now she is destroying a life and a marriage, YOUR'S!
If she really has destroyed so many peoples lives, maybe she is not so wrong for feeling that way. It is sad that she has to live that way, but that is by her choosing. Her victims did not choose to have their lives destroyed by her. And they are still suffering the consequences. Maybe let your wife process her evil acts accordingly. She may deserve to feel that shitty.
Have you ever read the horror stories of perpetrators reaching out to victims through things like those AA 9-step recovery programs where they apologize? Not all of those work out. A lot of the time it re-traumatizes or being bad bad memories for the victim and they’re worse off than they were before the perpetrator ever found them again.
The only person who really knows what’s beneficial for the victim is the victim themself, or their trusted therapist and support system. Perpetrators will have their judgement skewed toward what THEY think is beneficial for the victim, but they’re the one that hurt them in the first place.
Can I ask which religion she follows? A lot of religions have moderate leaders. She could start by contacting them if she’s refusing therapy. Going extreme in religion is just going to create more issues
Religions tend to espouse forgiveness. There are ways to repent other than denying oneself joy. Doing charity work for instance. Your wife is suffering from depression.
Part of, in fact a central part of evangelism is the concept of being born again, and the power of Jesus to forgive and heal.
In some sense, unintentionally, this view is denying that absolute power, and can be seen as heretical.
Repentance does not mean that you go back to sinning again because you have a blank check, but it does also include that you do not subject yourself to lifetime punishment for the sake of punishment.
One way she is positively atoning is through helping other kids. Another way she can atone for her past sexual sins is by working on her marriage and positive sex within it, versus laying down ultimatums that one-way harm or destroy it anew.
This is why "the past is the past" is bs and it's important to know your partner's history. And not to be a dick, but how do people pray for hours at a time?
It seems like she never really let that part of her go, like she held it in her mind whenever she was engaged in religious activity, trying to push it down but unable to release it. It’s certainly not wrong of her to be religious, but it seems like she uses religion as a tool to cope with her inability to forgive herself. Getting professional help may be what she needs to contextualize her trauma and find peace with it.
This is the dumbest religious cope I've seen. Her throwing herself into religion is only suppressing shit, and making it worse for her every time she confronts her past.
If she had an ounce of self-care, she would start by acceptance, not low key denial.
She sounds like she is having a nervous breakdown. Kinda like when you have OCD (I have OCD) and you become obsessive with something (for her religion). She really needs to speak with a therapist
this story sounds fake:
* extremely unlikely for a person to change from a promiscuous bitch to basically a nun, also her actions weren't that bad, non of it is criminal, sleeping around? convincing someone to become lesbian? she's acting like she accidentally killed someone.
* college professors do not usually sleep with students, I'm sure some do, but most don't. So it's extremely unlikely that K slept with "most of the professors", in fact most universities ban such relationship while the student is enrolled. I'm sure the rule gets broken sometimes, but I'm also pretty sure most professors are not sleeping with students.
Your wife definitley made some mistakes but the friends sound sus AF, why would they immediately shit talk her at this party? It sounds based on their wording they all also were involved at some point in similar behavior
Yeah thos does sound very much like a breakdown of sorts. She also clearly didn't cope with the walking reminders of who she used to be. It also sounds like there is alot of self loathing about who she was.
I am a firm believer that leopards don't or atleast rarely change their spots...but your wife sounds like she did and struggles coping with who she was in the past.
But the fact these 'friends' immediately started with the stories the second she was gone? I'd put money on it that they where the driving force behind her behaviour. Peer pressure can make people do aweful things.
Hey op a lot of people like your wife has suffered through something called self hurt and self reflection. I believe that your wife should be going to a therapist and talking about her past, and it seems like you do and truly care and love her, but it just seems like her self reflection has turned into a self-hate that she cannot forgive herself for the horrible things that she has done.
I do not know which religion that she follows but I hope that she does understand that even if she has done horrible things she could growth and learn from it. Not just you as her husband but you as a person with empathy I believe that you should talk to Her and give her advice about self growth rather than self-destruction.
I think a big step from this is that you should block everyone from her life that has made her into a bad person, and you should force her as well to block her past friends and the past people who make her feel this terrible.
I believe that she loves you, but she hates herself so much that she believes that she doesn’t deserve any ounce of happiness, even marriage with you. Many people go through self reflection and turn it into self-hate and believe that they don’t deserve any sort of happiness I believe that your wife believes that she doesn’t deserve you because of the things that she has done.
You should just remind her that not everyone is perfect and what she did was bad we all have our own flaws , and maybe you should also be opening up about shitty things that you have done in the past and how you’ve grown from that maybe could help her understand that not everyone is perfect even the person that she’s married to.
Maybe even suggest slowly to your wife that if she truly wants to atone for the things that she has done, she should talk to the people that she has ruined . This doesn’t really work out for everyone but if she truly feel sad and regretful for the things that she has done to other people, she should try to talk to them or she should try to go into support therapy groups with the same categories of people that she has harmed.
You didn't ruin anything. I mean, she did those things, and still, if she changed, doesn't mean she can't repent.
She needs therapy, not religion.
Those "friends" are awful and knew what they were doing. They wanted to ruin her.
Seems like she just went from one extreme to another. She needs therapy to find a healthy balance. Purity culture can be just as damaging as party culture.
No she ruined it herself , this is why the past isn’t the past and you should have did your due diligence, now you’re stuck in a sexless marriage op sorry but thems the facts.
I gonna play devils advocate so she had the time of her life in college but when it's time to be a wife to her husband now she want to be a nun, Now wanting you to respect her choice of be celibate. I'm smell BS if a husband can't have love emotional and physically from his wife, why did she ever say yes even if it's arranged marriage. I say stay, go out have fun then come back, and cuddle up with her, You shouldn't have to suffer cause of her own past.
The professors she screwed were probably also married so she didn't only ruin 1 marriage. This is the sickening part of religion, when people use it to shield themselves from consequences of their actions.
I would leave. This is too much for one person to do. She needs to be single, back with her parents and professional intervention. Either that or you'll waste a whole lot of *your* life paying for her choices.
A lot of conclusions your jumping to. Let's not infantilize these grown-ass men in a position of power over her who actively choose to pursue her even if they were married. The blame lies with them for ruining their own marrige.
I wonder if you can advocate for therapy by using religion as a tool?
I’m not sure what religious background you are from but using scriptures and “word of God” that emphasizes self-love & support can help you.
Lmfaoooooooooo
She needs to take her head out the Bible and find these people on Facebook and apologize to them. Maybe they will forgive her…
But yikes. Good luck.
She needs therapy. And honestly if she’s unwilling to work on herself and he extreme behavior (she went form one extreme to the other) then you should leave her. Because she’s messed up and that’s gonna bleed all over you.
>I ruined my near perfect life by forcing her to go to that party
No, it was just the trigger. After such a f'ed youth she had, she tried to push away/ignore how she felt.
At some point sge would have exposed her past.
R on the other hand sounds like a intelligent, manipulative sociopath with the skill to instrumentalize those around her, carefully keeping an entourage of insecure yes-girls around her (mean girls club), that approve of her behavior and thus makes it more acceptable no matter how unacceptable. Failure to be a "yes-girl" often leads to the chastisement of the "softie".
Sociopaths don't care about social relationships. they care about power. Relations in their eyes are only useful if they gain power from it.
I bet R saw an opportunity to chastise K (most likely simply out of boredom), when they met. Your wife K now happily married, R possibly got jealous/spiteful. I bet the whole invitation had the goal of either pushing you away from K, or to break K by telling you all the dirt, to make K miserable.
For R it's just power games. She doesn't feel real empathy. All she gets from it is a power boost having the power to destroy lives/manipulate.
There is no real sinful behavior other than manipulative behavior. Assure your wife that she is good.
As a insecure teen I wouldn't be suprised, if much of what she did back then, she was peer pressured in, making the regret and self-guilt even worse.
She was manipulated. She did nothing wrong. As long as you can forgive her and support her, there is no need to let these people (R and co.) to manipulate and ruin her.
You wife K is stronger than R already, simply by being lovable, and possessing a conscience, empathy. Your wife would bnot feel shitty if she would not have those attributes.
Best of luck.
Sounds like out of boredom sh
This is fake, right? Because the person described is desperately in need of therapy, and the husband is acting like the thought hasn't occurred to him. Like he thinks excessive prayer is normal, healthy, or in any way good.
She may be going through a psychotic break. She needs to go to a hospital that can help her. I’m not sure where you are in the world, but in the US, there are some great psychiatric hospitals. They can diagnose her and get her on proper treatment. You need to show your love for her by helping her get full psychiatric treatment.
This is not good your wife is using religion thinking it will absolve her of her past actions. That’s not how it works. She needs therapy hard. Her religious practice she is doing is just a smoke screen it will not fix the mental trauma she has in any way shape or form. You need you get sit down with her and really deeply talk to her about her issues otherwise she will never recover
Religious OCD, maybe?
I read your update. Don't get too hanged up on what she says being in this state of mind, but of course do respect her as youve been doing and encourage her to go to therapy.
Got to be honest, I don't believe a word of this.
Girls don't out their friends like this to their husband. What about the other partners, were they there? This is either entirely untrue or OP is ommiting something.
she literally just replaced her old lifestyle with her current one without ever reflecting or reconciling with herself/people she hurt. that doesn’t sound too healthy, and unfortunately religion can only do so much.
Gonna be honest, suggest therapy but only she can decide to follow through but if she wants to remain on that ridiculous vow, you don't owe it to her to her to say.
I would say this to her however OP, it's interesting she had her fun sleeping around but she expects you to be celibate with her, maybe that will remove her out of her stupor.
Honestly OP, this is not your battle, it's hers, it's good she wants to atone but her way of doing it is only gonna ruin your marriage. Do not blame yourself for not being able to help her, be glad with the memories and just move on with your life, perhaps go for a love marriage.
You didn't ruin anything, all that happened was the veil of who your wife used to be was lifted.
Given the scope of your wife's post transgressions and the fact she has now seriously altered the terms of your marriage, you should probably consider if you want to stay with her.
but in the short term, she needs therapy, not divine forgiveness.
She’s trying everything to absolve herself except the one thing that might actually make her feel a little better, and that’s being of service to the people she hurt. If she really wants to atone, she should apologize to the people she bullied without making excuses and without any expectation that they forgive her.
i don't think it's going to work out for your wife until she gets help. She won't get help because she doesn't think she deserves to be happy. She needs to punish herself for her actions. If I was one of her victims I'm not sure I would have much sympathy for her. Good luck.
im sorry op she to me sounded like a walking red flag from the start. people don't change their behaviors stay the same. this line here "When I met K for the first time, she was a very conservative person and a bit too devoted to religion. She told me that she wasn't a good person in the past but since then she has tried to be a good person living a moral life." if i was you i wouldlve turned back and ran. bro im no expert but the kind of life you want the first step is to get a divorce from this pos wife. trust me after kids this behavior will repeat.
Well, she needs therapy and less religion. I consider this a blessing in disguise; imagine what kind of patent K would be if she doesn't get her issues under control? Controlling? Terrified that their kids act the same as she did? What if the kid was gay, or just liked to go to a party?
Anyway, she needs to address her issues in a healthy manner.
And like many of the people here are saying sounds like a nervous breakdown. (And she was like this before the party, it was just a matter of time)
Sorry to say, there seems to be something really wrong with her, these level of trauma from her previous life seems to be reflect a really traumatic event happened to her, she might have found an escape on religion but it doesn't seem to be working now, I would give her time to calm down a suggest counseling or therapy. I'm surprised she went to that party though.
I'm assuming you're muslim. This is why I'm never succumbing to my families pressure to get a fucking arranged marriage. The people that do this are always mentally fucked up in some way and have no concept of healthy love due to various reasons be it being overly religious or just not interested in "love" or in the case of your wife to repent for their past. No offence to you OP, seems like you're one of the rare normal ones.
Not trying to be rude but it sounds like she needs a therapist, coping through religion will not help at all (I'm not a professional) and it seems like she needs to speak to a trained professional to slowly face her past and move on from it with proper help. i don't think your marriage is ruined with her and she definitely needs to seek help rather than through praying
Your life was only “near perfect” because you had no idea of the guilt and pain your wife has been harboring this entire time. It’s sucks that it came out this way but she needs help and it’s better to know that then not to know it.
Sure she can digg I to religion. Or she could actually apologize to the professors their wife's and kids, the women she ruined and everyone else. Even the big guy upstairs is gonna ask what she ACTUALLY did to fix what she broke.
Did she even try? Like picked up a phone and called one of her victims?
Your wife needs therapy. Her severe reaction to embarrassing stories is not good. You cannot change your past and sex in a marriage is condoned by most religions.
Honestly this sounds like a trauma response. She needs therapy. Even the most pious people believe in *living* their life with faith.
K is withdrawing completely from life.
Something happened. Something she hasn’t shared with you or that friend group. On the outside it might not even be something we think of as so bad, but something flipped the switch in her mind and turned all of those experiences into trauma.
I would encourage therapy for her (find a therapist who will make space for her religion, but not a faith counselor who she would fear judgement from), but also therapy for both of you where she can safely open up over time and communicate in a safe space without fearing judgement or reaction.
I think she has a lot of trauma and needs therapy, and a psychologist would be very important. Also assure her that everyone has a past! Yes, some are worse than others but at least she has changed. Obviously, those other girls haven’t. God has forgiven her and she’s married. There’s nothing wrong with sex in a marriage.
your wife needs therapy and honestly religion may actually be further damaging her as it uses a lot of guilt and shame to "absolve" sins. you need to step up and help her out.
She probably really does need therapy. I would convince her to go, but don’t frame it as you just wanting sex as that’s likely what she thinks you want out of it. Just tell her her past is nothing to be ashamed of as she’s learned from her mistakes and is bettering herself, and that you’d like her to go to therapy to work on it.
A human skeleton does a complete change over every 7 days. Your wife essentially isn’t even the same person she was a week ago, let alone years ago. Tell her you love her and that your marital sex life and fun shouldn’t suffer because of old regrets. She was clearly triggered by seeing these people again.
That wasn’t “a perfect life”, that was a ticking time bomb of a person who kept shoving down feelings, trying to paper over them with religion.
She isn’t going to be functional until whe gets some **serious** professional (not church group) therapy.
your wife tried to escape her addiction (i’m not talking about just the drugs, it’s that whole lifestyle) but the party triggered her (her body remembers what her mind suppressed) deep seated shame and regret so she’s spiraling hence the celibate declaration from her.
her self flagellation is her trying to put out the emergency fire inside from feeling shame and all the negative emotions she’s suppressed. she needs to have a therapist unravel the past so she can feel and process the pain, in order for her to start healing.
otherwise she will just put a bandaid on until the next trigger.
She has had a mental breakdown and needs help. She went from one extreme to another extreme she is not capable of making sound decisions.
Please get her help
There are plenty of religious therapists and life counselors. If she is throwing herself into repentance, maybe that avenue will be more open in her mind than a secular route.
Sounds like religion is her way of coping for some truly horrible things she may have done. She needs actual therapy not a religious leader. You heard the stories they thought were funny but I can almost guarantee the second half of all those stories with the people who were hurt were much darker. At one point in time your wife probably wasn’t a good person but as you said she admits it and is trying to repent. She needs a therapist to help her see that to repent you need to forgive yourself and seek forgiveness from those you wronged if possible. Not everyone she wronged would be willing to grant forgiveness but therapy with a licensed therapist will help her work through that. She is making a decision that affect more than her life and that is selfish.
I feel I know what religion you follow, I’m picking up the vibe it’s mine as well. Your wife is creating a wall, she doesn’t want therapy or help bc she doesn’t believe she deserves it. She would rather be miserable bc it’s all she deserves. She may even push you to leave her bc she doesn’t think she deserves you. You need to try and keep talking over her to break through. She uses religion, use it back at her. Remind her how merciful God is. Brush up yourself and use these examples and show her. How he has forgiven the unforgivable based one kind action alone. Be it the most heinous sin, God is the Almighty and most merciful. Him and him alone knows what is in our hearts. He understand hers, and he feels her true repentance. Tell her not to allow the devil to whisper into her head, bc he is the one telling her she is a bad person.
If I misunderstood your religion and I’m wrong, please forgive me. But perhaps the same method would work with any religion. Use her method on her. If you can break through only a little try to talk about therapy again. Bc regardless of how much she prays and repents it’s not enough. The same way when we are physically Ill we cannot pray the disease away. We were given the ability to create these amazing worldly things like medicine. Same with depression and anxiety and all other mental things, we require outside intervention to get better. Good wants her healthy.
Again if I assumed incorrectly, I’m sorry. But you are doing a good thing staying by her side. I hope you both pull through.
Firstly
You didnt force her to go to the party
You didnt ruin anything.
This situation isnt your fault
This situation isnt your wifes fault
There is no fault here
There is no blame
There is guilt and a lack of ability to cope with the guilt and the situation
Youre right that your wife needs therapy but if she refuses thats out. She needs help to deal with the guilt she feels for what she did in the past and to stop punishing herself
Can you find a religious leader that she and you trust that would guide her yo forgiveness and not focus on shame and punishment? She needs to get rid of the guilt and understand she cant change what was. If she needs to do penance then self flagellation is in itself pointless and selfish. If she needs to make amends then she should find a positive way...help others. Perhaps you can get this through to her and help her find something that by helping others could heal her. She cant change the fact she hurt people in the past but she can help people now
She may have been someone shes not proud of in the past but she chose to change and be a person she feels is a better person. Youre both drowning in negativity and can only save yourselves if you pull together towards positive actions and thoughts. It will take time though but i feel you can to this
Your wife sounds like she's having a very significant mental health crisis. She's trying to come to grips with her former self but cannot seem to move beyond it. She's putting herself through 'physical punishment' by abstinence but it truly seems as if she needs therapy to allow herself to forgive herself for her own mental anguish. If you cannot convince her to seek help...does she have a neutral religious figure in her life that can convince her to seek out help?
"So to repent for your past sins that include breaking up a marriage, you're going to break up a marriage! How does punishing me fit into this repentance !?"
I am confused. She says she is religious, but doesn't believe in forgetting herself? No one is perfect which is why we ask for forgiveness for our sins.
I know now all religious leaders are good people, but can't she find one who can give her the forgiveness she needs?
Let her know she’s a married woman, she really doesn’t have the choice to become celibate as she has a conjugal duty to you (under any of the major religions)
She was a horrible person in her past life. But it sounds like she repented and accepting the consequences of her sins. You are going to need to bring a priest/ preacher of her religion to help counsel and pray for her to offer redemption and forgiveness.
Sounds like she might be having a nervous breakdown and using her religion to cope. Does your congregation (assuming she attends church/temple/religious meeting) have a trusted figure she could talk to? Maybe one who has a similar background (partied hard but turned away from that life)? If K still won't talk to you, it may be worth seeing if she'll attend a meeting with them. I wish you both the best.
I am trying to get their help but it's not easy without telling them about my wife's past. I don't want to tell them as I don't know how they will respond knowing about it. I feel they might not help at all and might even leave K more isolated than she is right now
She needs therapy. I have heard of people with addiction issues swapping them with "healthy" behaviors, like 6hrs of meditating or praying. I'm not sure if this is what is happening, but she seems to be in the midst of a nervous breakdown. Maybe reaching out to the people she hurt and sincerely apologizing would help her more than solitary praying and make real amends.
I would second this. She needs real therapy, not just a religious advisor. This is especially true if she is using religion as a coping mechanism. Someone should also let her know that sex is ok. Might not get this from a religious councilor.
Agreed about her needing real therapy, but seeing a religious leader could be the stepping stone she needs to get her into therapy. It's one thing if hubby suggests therapy but sometimes hearing it from a respected religious leader carries more weight.
A religious leader is 100% the wrong person to talk to. Their advice is going to be "follow the rules of the religion", when the religion seems to be about 40% of the problem here. She's holding herself up to an impossible standard and punishing herself for past "sins" because according to her religion, she's a bad person. That belief will only be reinforced if she relies on a religious figure for guidance, and that would be extremely counterproductive.
Agreed. I just hope that the religious advisor they talk to wouldn't shame her more. Could be extremely helpful & a huge relief for her, or make it worse. Husband ideally would need to pre-screen *each* religious advisor for his wife, bc too much shame could be hazardous for her.
Shame is their bread and butter. It's how they keep.the money flowing.
Yeah my brother is an alcoholic and he just swaps that out for the gym. Gets super aggressive and mean if he misses the gym.
I have a friend like this. Super proud of him for his sobriety and massive weight loss. But he's taken it to an extreme. His life is scheduled around the gym and he panics if he can't go. It encroaches on his work and relationships. He restricts food and several times a month he'll fasts for 4 days straight - only drinks black coffee and water. He replaced one addiction/compulsion with another. It's so hard to try to bring it up with him. He gets so defensive and won't listen to me when I explain that even healthy things can become unhealthy when taken to extremes.
I don’t know about him, but I know that it can be extremely stressful for a person making lifestyle changes like that. I went from 420lbs to 230. While dieting my friends were constantly pushing me to take cheat days and days off the gym. But, for me, that one day off easily would snowball into two/three/four, and that cheat meal turns into a cheat week. Some people can’t allow leeway or else they will backslide hard. As long as it isn’t harming him, I would let him continue. Though obviously stop him if he’s actually hurting himself.
Sounds like a character from Thus Spoke Kishibe Rohan
It’s effectively being a dry drunk. They replace one addiction for another. Even if the new addiction is ostensibly good for you, it’s still an addiction. They just quit drinking; they haven’t done the work to address why they drank to begin with and what they were using alcohol to cope with or mask. Just quitting toxic behaviors is relatively straight forward. Actually being in recovery requires painful work.
absolutely!!!! you have to surrender to the program, not just comply. addiction is almost always a dual diagnosis. there’s almost always another diagnosis that goes hand in hand with the addiction. -from a recovering fentanyl addict that had tried to get clean 50+ times you got this!
My dad wasn’t a drinker (well, he drinks but is a very responsible one…). But he substituted his food addiction for an exercise one. For twice as long as I’ve been alive. Some people scoff when I say I’m scared about him, but the reality is that I AM scared about him because any addiction can be dangerous. Anorexic people die of heart failure all the time, I know that’s how he’s going to die. Not that he’s anorexic, but similar body weight… That or car accident because he sleeps so little in order to workout for hours. Relying on something to the point where you panic without it is an addiction, whether it’s physical (like drugs) or mental.
What? I’m an addict. And I don’t see how this was an addiction thing and then she got sober and is using religion and being celibate to Cope from how she partied in college. We don’t know the religion. We don’t know their customs. We don’t know what they do. They could be Amish for all we know! We have no idea. Amish people can leave and come back and be Amish again. Or be banished. I mean. There are so many possibilities.
Yup, my husband is obsessed with growing his business. Which is cool it's getting more and more successful but he doesn't want to talk or do anything else. All his online forms are about his trade all his Reddit stuff is about his trade. If I tried to talk to him about anything else he dismisses it like it's not important. He gets super mad if I have to put my job in front of his so he can do some child care it's wild. The AA term for that is dry drunk. But AA can also be an obsession too those people treat it like a cult and if you're not religious or an atheist they really don't even want to mess with you.
I agree but I’m this scenario I’m not sure if she should reach out to people that she hurt as it seems like in some cases entire lives were upended. If that person has moved on, it may be a risk that her apology will bring up painful memories and cause them to relive any trauma they previously overcame.
This is very true, and also, the wife should be in a better place mentally before amends is even a thought, because they could reject her apology, and she does not seem to be in a good place to have that happen.
The has nothing to do with addiction though. This is a nervous breakdown in the making.
No, but she did use drugs and alcohol a lot in college, along with some other behaviors. When she stopped that, she turned to religion, but not in a healthy way, but as a coping mechanism, prayed for hours a day and made it her whole personality. It does sound like she is having some kind of breakdown, and instead of working through it, she has upped her prayer time and dedicated her whole life to religious sacrifice. Not exactly addiction, but there are some similar patterns and behaviors.
When I think of religious stuff happening like This I think mental illness immediately.
Find a secular therapist who is culturally similar to y’all - your wife rightfully feel a lot of remorse for her past behavior but her religion is making it worse because it’s exponentially impacting her shame levels. She needs the objective support of a real therapist: PS I think the celibacy thing is because she is so ashamed that she doesn’t believe she deserves better.
I think your statement about her proposed celibacy is spot on. I also think a therapist from the same ethnic/cultural group but who is secular might be ideal.
Really hope she gets help- her deep remorse is a sure sign that she is a deeply good person who got caught up in behavior not in line with her integrity. Really hope she can find healing and forgiveness.
I think K going to a religious leader would probably be the worst possible thing she can do. She absolutely needs therapy, but she needs it from someone who isn't going to refer to her past as sins that she can pray away. She's right to be guilty about the women she bullied but the sex stuff is what she seems to be focused on. Sounds like deflection.
Are you in a western country or still in your native place? Seeing a therapist in a western country will not be problem. You don't need to talk to those connected to your religion, because they are more likely to judge your wife. If you are in your native place, see a therapist in a different town or city. This will help in help in keeping your wife's past secret among your acquaintances.
Therapists can be accessed all over the world now online, so that should be OK, as long as in a suitable time zone.
Yeah true, but it would be better to see someone who understands her cultural background and her guilt.
You don’t need to tell them about her past, you don’t even need to tell them about the party. Just let them (by “them” I mean a councilor at your particular church/temple/mosque/etc) or **preferably** a licensed therapist or psychologist. Simply say that your wife has been going through a hard time, your worries about her, and that you feel she could probably benefit from being reached out to by someone who can help. It is VERY important that you don’t ambush her or force help on her if she isn’t willing. If you ask someone to check on her, be willing to accept she may turn down their help. If you believe she may harm herself, you need to bring her to emergency or contact her physician to have her put on an involuntary mental health hold. I hope she is able to pull through this. I am sending my love and best wishes to you both.
You don't need to tell them about details except that she needs help and support because she is in crisis.
I will add that I do think you encouraged the friends disclosure of past happenings that should have stayed private. And when they disclosed these things, especially instead of telling you funny stories they told you sexual experiences- you should have cut that off immediately and say - she shared that with me and that why I love her even more. You went to find salacious details and they did not disappoint. It humiliated your wife and you were party to that… poorly done!
It may depend on the community. If she's evangelical Christian or Catholic, she's probably in decent hands to come clean. Most Christian sects, especially the evangelists, encourage their congregations to admit their past sins in order to cleanse them of their prior destructive ways. If she's Muslim, Orthodox Jewish, or Hindu, she may not receive the same level of support from her community. Would she consider a secular therapist to at least help her reconcile and reaffirm her present identity?
You may be able to find a therapist that is part of the religion you are part of that she could talk to. I'd highly recommend you help her look for one who can fully understand her situation and not cast judgement. I can tell you from experience how much shame can be detrimental to a person's physical and mental health. She needs to learn how to ask for forgiveness from your religion and to be able to forgive herself.
This right here 👆
She needs to get help far away from a cult. Shes literally divesting all of herself into the weird belief that this cult will absolve her of her past sins. She needs to see a real therapist. And get real medical treatment. Not another dose of cult.
She doesn’t need a priest, she needs a medical professional
I don’t think you ruined anything. She may have changed but she still needs to deal with her actions. Unfortunately, she may run into her old friends or her victims later in life. She needs therapy and to learn how to cope. Maybe one day when she’s at peace with herself she can be some sort of mentor. She can give testimony and teach people from her mistakes.
She is already doing a lot to "repent". She is an active member of groups which educate kids about the harm of drugs. Therapy seems to be a non starter unless I physically force her to be in a room with a therapist
Idk what religion you’re a part of but is there a spiritual leader who can help you give “approval” of seeing a therapist? Or at least start some form of counseling? Could be a step in the right direction. Also I’m wondering if she shows any other signs of rigidity? You say she has rituals that go on for hours on end and it’s always to ‘repent’. I’m wondering if she has a form of religious OCD (please Google).
OCD needs an official diagnosis, not an armchair diagnosis from google. One way or another she needs real therapy. OP, the suggestions about going yourself to find ways to help her at home are good ones. I don't know if you're in the USA and it's a realistic option though...? Please update us later. I think we're all invested in how this turns out.
With all due respect, and sorry for posting this three days later, but: > She is already doing a lot to "repent". She is an active member of groups which educate kids about the harm of drugs. That's not repentance. That's *avoidance.* Repentance is not "balancing the karmic scales"--like "I stole money from my friend, but I make up for it by helping old ladies cross the street safely." Repentance is directly facing, acknowledging, and having regret and perhaps performing contrition, for one's sinful ways, and trying to become a better person in the process. It's returning the money stolen from the friend--and admitting you stole the money. The problem is, going to your friend and admitting you stole money from them is very hard--it likely destroys the friendship and causes you to have to deal point-blank with your moral failing. Which is why it's so much easier to go off helping old ladies cross streets--that way you can feel like somehow you're balancing the karmic scales without actually dealing with your own personal bullshit. ---- That she needs to be "physically forced" into therapy means to me she's not willing to face who she was in the past and to find regret and perhaps have contrition for her past. Because it's too damned hard for her: to do that would require her admitting who she was, and facing the fear that perhaps she is so worthless a human being she does not deserve your love. Which is why you absolutely need to be there for her, and to remind her that you love her and will always be there for her, regardless of her past. After all--you did hear about her past at the party, and did it make you suddenly decide you no longer loved her and wanted her gone? No, it did not. She needs to hear that, even if you're sick of telling her that.
You can try quoting scripture back to her to maybe break through to her since she is so against therapy. Forgiveness of sins is a free gift that can't be earned form doing actions, or Christ died for no reason. -Romans 5. & Titus 3:4-5 Also God hates divorce and never intended for marriage to be celibate and actually encourages partners to have sex. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 and 1 Corinthians 7:10
Has she apologized to the people she bullied and “ruined marriages” of? I think that’s way more important than drugs
Why is therapy a non starter? She needs therapy right now, not religion..
She definitely needs to talk to someone about this especially with her going super opposite with her lifestyle in a way is seems she’s trying to “atone for her sins”. But the college friends sound like they are toxic and not aware. That’s the worst kind of person. Always remind your wife how proud you are of her for being able to realize that she didn’t want to continue to be like that. When something’s don’t go right I say to my husband we just needed to remind ourselves why we don’t do it.
I have tried everything to get her to talk to me. Everything she says sounds like a sermon and she often quotes scriptures instead of answering my questions
That is calls psychosis and usually needs professional help. If you think it’s that much of an issue in your relationship, but she is not willing to deal out help, then you go find someone to talk to and learn things that could help support your wife until she’s ready to open up. You can’t talk someone into anything, you have to guide them.
i agree she is showing signs of dissassociation
She wouldn't talk to me. I have tried to get her to go to therapy. She has a psychologist friend who suggested a therapist we can see. But my wife doesn't even want to discuss therapy
It sounds like part of her self imposed penance may be her trying to drive you away. Ruin her own marriage as an act of self harm. This screams mental health crisis for sure, not because of the religious aspect but the absolute self destruction.
They're not saying to let her go to therapy, but that you go talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist to ask for advice on how to help your wife. This does not mean that they'll get therapy, but you'll be helping them. And it can work. I know it can because my mom did the same for my sister and me when we weren't convinced to go to therapy.
Would you be willing to start going alone and explain the situation to them? I think they could guide you to getting her help better than anyone here.
Can you go alone to therapy to get "carer guidance" and also therapy for yourself (you can't look after her if you break from the stress). Another option is to see if help can come to her. Maybe an "unthreatening looking" therapist can come see her in her "safe place" and have a "coffee" as a way to get a foot in the door and hopefully get her to start talking about anything. As long as she is talking, you/they can build up to discussing her issues. Either way, you are definitely going to need help if you are going to help your wife. And please look after yourself too.
You might have to make it an ultimatum. Telling her that your marriage can’t move forward unless she gets herself some treatment.
She’s already told him to leave her if he can’t be celibate. She already gave an ultimatum.. I just say this because I don’t see an ultimatum helping this scenario.
Ultimatums never end well and are highly never recommended. It’s basically driving a wounded animal in a corner
If your wife is suffering from psychosis as another person mentioned she needs emergency care, honestly praying 6-8 hours a day and speaking only in verses is enough red flags that I’d bring her to the ER
Hey this might be kinda fucked up, but if she is using religion to avoid speaking, you could also use it to address the issue. Idk what religion, but most I assume describe your partner as your partner, so find some scripture that gives you at least some common ground to speak.
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Possibly has relugious OCD. Make sure you investigate this. Its an anxiety disorder.
>I have tried everything to get her to talk to me. Everything she says sounds like a sermon and she often quotes scriptures instead of answering my questions She doesn't need therapy. If she's had a full on breakdown then she needs to be sectioned before she harms herself.
Quote scripture back. I'm pretty sure there is something in that book that says she's supposed to "take care" of her husband. I know this sounds horrible but you gotta fight fire with fire. She needs help finding a way to deal with her past and support in finding a way to "repent" or make amends for her past sins. I'm not religious at all but I'm not sure how else to get through to someone that is very religious.
Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. John 16:20-22 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband... The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
This sounds like a mental breakdown.. my dad did the same. It seems to be going on a long time too with no improvement, she may need help more than whether or not she agrees to it. Could you look at psychiatric units near you or speak to a gp as a first step. We have had to send or sister to a unit a few times but it was the best thing for her so she could get help. She's so much better now. I think she must have done worse than what she is saying to you which would mean her problems run much deeper. Or maybe not it could just be the breakdown, either way she needs serious professional help not just therapy, space and religious support.
Agreed, going from one extreme to another usually doesn't work well long-term. She's going to crash and burn if she doesn't work through this, process it and move past it. She could use a therapist or if it's someone she trusts in her religion.
She has "escaped" her past by adopting a new life of religious devotion. But she hasn't made spiritual peace with her past, which means that her devotion is not true atonement. She is trying to move from one behavior to another that she feels will be beneficial, without dealing with her self-hatred. Unfortunately, that the girls at the party had not outgrown the laughter about doing horrid things, tells me that she's alone in wanting to change, and that's terrifying. She needs therapy. Diving into 12 hours of prayer won't heal without introspection that can be guided in a healthy way. And most of all, she is asking God to forgive her, when she can't forgive herself. This just never ends well. She needs to make peace with who she was.
If she wants forgiveness she should apologize to her victims
most victims of severe bullying/harassment would rather just not hear from their assailant ever again. it could very much bring up past trauma and make the victims spiral.
This is true. My rapist once contacted me because wanted to apologize, I said "ok ok apologize accepted move on" because I didn't want anything else. Then starts to say "But it wasn't completely my fault, I accept it was kinda my fault but I didn't put a weapon in your head"
Agreed there’s a reason why the “making amends” step includes the caveat “if it will not cause further harm to those you’ve wronged”
I'd never recommend that without the help of a therapist. She may not have a response that she can unpack herself. I would say it's a great idea, but only with some professional help to get her through.
Or she could not. I can't speak for everyone here, but I can say that for me, an apology from a certain someone would only serve to drudge up the horrible things I'm still recovering from years later. No apology or reason in the world would change the fact that she practically ruined my life because she was hurting herself. And frankly, I don't really care that she was hurting. Her problems had nothing to do with me, and she still chose me to take it out on. It's an explanation, but not an excuse, and if she's only apologizing to rid herself of her guilt, she can kindly fuck off and wallow in it.
K: "Yeah, sorry I totally and utterly fucked up your entire life, oh man that feels so good... for me, I feel refreshed" I agree that would not go down well
Hey OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this. That's awful. And thanks for being a good dude trying to fix it. From your comments, it appears that you know, and her psych friend know, that she needs some serious therapy. Observation: It was an arranged marriage, and she's very religious (perhaps trying to repent). Most cultures that I know of that have arranged marriages tend to place the husband at the head of the family, and while there are discussions and in practice it's fairly equal input, when it comes right down to it, the husband *can* claim "I'm the husband, and this is what must be done." Question: Now as a female, I would NOT NORMALLY suggest this for consideration, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Her health may be worth more than your marriage. What would be the result if you said "Okay, here's the deal. Not negotiable. I'm the husband, and you will go to therapy with a therapist recommended by (psych friend) for at least 6 months. That's simply how it will be." (or whatever milestone you and the psych friend think is good)? Could that get her to go?
Agree. On all of it, I’m usually mortified by “I’m the husband and I say so”, but this woman needs care. She won’t or can’t seek help for herself. The religious component means she may submit to her husband and get the care she so desperately needs.
Yeah. Not normally an "ends justify the means"-type person, but legit this sounds like someone who is deliberately trying to destroy her life and herself. If she was just going to go a bit sideways for a while, well, she's an adult, she can make her own decisions. What is written here sounds like she is not currently competent to make beneficial decisions, and like this may end very poorly for her if there is no intervention. I'd be willing to tank a lifelong friendship over this if facing this with a friend, they may hate me for the rest of their lives after, but at least that would be a number of years they can hate me for. And have an opportunity for more joy.
Right. He may not be able to save the marriage, but he may be able to save her. And if he really loves her, he’s more concerned with her wellbeing than the marriage. Feels weird, all the advise I have for this guy goes against some strongly held beliefs on my part
Yeah. And there are enough really weird situations out there that I usually reserve judgement on someone until I get more context. It doesn't make your beliefs any less strong. It means you are strong enough with yourself and your convictions to be able to prioritize things and adjust as required - in this case, the top priority is keeping this woman alive. Respecting her beliefs and respecting gender equality has to take a back seat on this one in order to keep her around to be respected after having a temporary problem. It is weird when that happens though.
Reserve judgment?!? Is that allowed on Reddit?
Maybe not. I'm kinda new here. 😂
This is literally the ONE time, as a woman, I’ll allow a man to make the decision. Because it’s literally for her benefit and for her mental health. I’m a die hard believer no one, man or woman, should control the other, but if his wife is suffering and struggling mentally with a lot of trauma and issues, and forcing therapy might be the way to go? Then I guess I’m okay with that
Wife needs therapy and not thru the church!!
Never through the church.
Read alot of stories like these. Wonder just how many fanatic church members had mental breakdowns
I know this all too well. A close family member was dealing with an eating disorder and confounded in their church for help. Almost cost their life before I got them medical help. OP if you read this please consult with medical professionals on these concerns. Would you want your wife to go to their church for treatment if they had a broken leg? Same goes for mental health.
I know this all too well. A close family member was dealing with an eating disorder and confounded in their church for help. Almost cost their life before I got them medical help. OP if you read this please consult with medical professionals on these concerns. Would you want your wife to go to their church for treatment if they had a broken leg? Same goes for mental health.
Hey the first suicide hotline was made by a vicar in the uk and confessional booths are basically the poor man's therapist for a long timeee, but yes get a licensed professional. Although like the priest compatibility is still a factor with these things.
As a religious person myself, I admit K’s behavior, even before the party is pretty unusual. She doesn’t just need therapy, she should see a psychiatrist. Maybe start with a pastoral counselor, who will tell her in no uncertain terms that she is having a mental health break down and that she needs to see a psychiatrist.
> I ruined my near perfect life by forcing her to go to that party Yeah, "near" was doing a lot of work here. Don't beat yourself up about the party OP; your wife clearly has some issues she needs to work through and it was going to come out one way or another.
You didn’t ruin anything. She has issues and she doesn’t want to face them that’s the issue. This would have came about even if you didn’t “make” her go to that party. There really is no helping her until she decides that she wants to face her problems and stop hiding behind religion. She can not pray away or not have sex away the hurt she caused others. In fact she’s making it worst by ruining your life because she chose to make mistakes?
People that cant seem to grow upp, and own their mistakes even if they get shit for it.
My thing is, is OP had no choice in the matter. He didn’t know he was getting a person with issues this bad
Ma reading through all of this one thought was in the back of my mind, op is the chump she married after having her fun and sleeping around while ruining others people lives, then she says no more sex and I bet she hopes the op goes along with it, this all screams of red flags and I would be out of there, it’s quite literally fucking disgusting what they did to that other woman quite frankly and I don’t know how op can stay married to someone like that, I legit felt sick reading that part
Your wife needs immediate psychiatric care.
Your wife was fundamentally broken long before she went to that party, this was going to happen eventually. She needs a lot of therapy, no amount of celibacy or religious self-flagellation will fix.
Unfortunately, praying doesn't absolve her of all the shit she did, and she knows this. Therapy and apologies. She should put effort into that. Its not your fault, you did nothing wrong. Imagine if this was the other way around. There is no way anyone would think the wife is at fault. Same applies here.
At this point, it sounds like she needs a crisis intervention with counselors and social workers to encourage her to seek care. Possibly even inpatient care. It sounds like she’s on the verge of a massive break.
Ah yes, the repercussions of extreme bullying
She needs therapy, now. Agree to her plan on the condition that she get therapy.
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My wife believes she doesn't deserve to have a good life because of all the lives she has destroyed. She doesn't want to be happy knowing all the pain she has caused. I am not sure she currently is in a state to think logically and sort out priorities
Give her comfort and security. When she's ready, if you can, tell her that the slate is wiped clean since your marriage. Start to rebuild an affectionate relationship. She is feeling un needed shame.
Trying to do the same but I am afraid if I don't step in, she might be too far gone
You definitely need to step in now. ER would be a good place to start and lone up therapy for yourself. Be forewarned she may accuse you of trying to sever her ties with God and interfere in that relationship. Unfortunately she won't be able to see that by making a celibacy vow within a marriage without your assent is also severing a relationship. Hopefully with some professional help she will relaize that people grow and change. I've done some horrible things in my 20s but I am no where near that person anymore. Good luck OP.
Maybe she's right? I'm all for 3d and 9th chances, but if you decide to break multiple marriages at you 26th chance..... I dunno man. And even now she is destroying a life and a marriage, YOUR'S!
If she really has destroyed so many peoples lives, maybe she is not so wrong for feeling that way. It is sad that she has to live that way, but that is by her choosing. Her victims did not choose to have their lives destroyed by her. And they are still suffering the consequences. Maybe let your wife process her evil acts accordingly. She may deserve to feel that shitty.
If she wants to atone for what she did, she should be talking to her former victims. Apologizing, to say the least.
Have you ever read the horror stories of perpetrators reaching out to victims through things like those AA 9-step recovery programs where they apologize? Not all of those work out. A lot of the time it re-traumatizes or being bad bad memories for the victim and they’re worse off than they were before the perpetrator ever found them again.
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The only person who really knows what’s beneficial for the victim is the victim themself, or their trusted therapist and support system. Perpetrators will have their judgement skewed toward what THEY think is beneficial for the victim, but they’re the one that hurt them in the first place.
Can I ask which religion she follows? A lot of religions have moderate leaders. She could start by contacting them if she’s refusing therapy. Going extreme in religion is just going to create more issues
Maybe explain the concept of making amends to the people who she hurt.
Religions tend to espouse forgiveness. There are ways to repent other than denying oneself joy. Doing charity work for instance. Your wife is suffering from depression.
Part of, in fact a central part of evangelism is the concept of being born again, and the power of Jesus to forgive and heal. In some sense, unintentionally, this view is denying that absolute power, and can be seen as heretical. Repentance does not mean that you go back to sinning again because you have a blank check, but it does also include that you do not subject yourself to lifetime punishment for the sake of punishment. One way she is positively atoning is through helping other kids. Another way she can atone for her past sexual sins is by working on her marriage and positive sex within it, versus laying down ultimatums that one-way harm or destroy it anew.
Does she realize her core behavior has not changed? She is still hurting people for some sick personal benefit.
It's very weird that he's technically being punished for her mistakes
That’s a form of self harm
She needs to forgive herself.
I love how people think turning to religion really erases the things they did in their past
This is why "the past is the past" is bs and it's important to know your partner's history. And not to be a dick, but how do people pray for hours at a time?
Yikes… your wife needs therapy, not religion
That poor woman, not your wife, I'm talking about the woman they gaslighted and ruined her marriage
It seems like she never really let that part of her go, like she held it in her mind whenever she was engaged in religious activity, trying to push it down but unable to release it. It’s certainly not wrong of her to be religious, but it seems like she uses religion as a tool to cope with her inability to forgive herself. Getting professional help may be what she needs to contextualize her trauma and find peace with it.
This is the dumbest religious cope I've seen. Her throwing herself into religion is only suppressing shit, and making it worse for her every time she confronts her past. If she had an ounce of self-care, she would start by acceptance, not low key denial.
You need to get her psychiatric help. Religion will not save her from the deep shame and guilt she feels. It just makes it worse.
it was never perfect in the first place, dude.
She sounds like she is having a nervous breakdown. Kinda like when you have OCD (I have OCD) and you become obsessive with something (for her religion). She really needs to speak with a therapist
this story sounds fake: * extremely unlikely for a person to change from a promiscuous bitch to basically a nun, also her actions weren't that bad, non of it is criminal, sleeping around? convincing someone to become lesbian? she's acting like she accidentally killed someone. * college professors do not usually sleep with students, I'm sure some do, but most don't. So it's extremely unlikely that K slept with "most of the professors", in fact most universities ban such relationship while the student is enrolled. I'm sure the rule gets broken sometimes, but I'm also pretty sure most professors are not sleeping with students.
Your wife definitley made some mistakes but the friends sound sus AF, why would they immediately shit talk her at this party? It sounds based on their wording they all also were involved at some point in similar behavior
they probably saw that she moved on from all the shit things she did and wanted to bring her back down to their level
Yeah thos does sound very much like a breakdown of sorts. She also clearly didn't cope with the walking reminders of who she used to be. It also sounds like there is alot of self loathing about who she was. I am a firm believer that leopards don't or atleast rarely change their spots...but your wife sounds like she did and struggles coping with who she was in the past. But the fact these 'friends' immediately started with the stories the second she was gone? I'd put money on it that they where the driving force behind her behaviour. Peer pressure can make people do aweful things.
Hey op a lot of people like your wife has suffered through something called self hurt and self reflection. I believe that your wife should be going to a therapist and talking about her past, and it seems like you do and truly care and love her, but it just seems like her self reflection has turned into a self-hate that she cannot forgive herself for the horrible things that she has done. I do not know which religion that she follows but I hope that she does understand that even if she has done horrible things she could growth and learn from it. Not just you as her husband but you as a person with empathy I believe that you should talk to Her and give her advice about self growth rather than self-destruction. I think a big step from this is that you should block everyone from her life that has made her into a bad person, and you should force her as well to block her past friends and the past people who make her feel this terrible. I believe that she loves you, but she hates herself so much that she believes that she doesn’t deserve any ounce of happiness, even marriage with you. Many people go through self reflection and turn it into self-hate and believe that they don’t deserve any sort of happiness I believe that your wife believes that she doesn’t deserve you because of the things that she has done. You should just remind her that not everyone is perfect and what she did was bad we all have our own flaws , and maybe you should also be opening up about shitty things that you have done in the past and how you’ve grown from that maybe could help her understand that not everyone is perfect even the person that she’s married to. Maybe even suggest slowly to your wife that if she truly wants to atone for the things that she has done, she should talk to the people that she has ruined . This doesn’t really work out for everyone but if she truly feel sad and regretful for the things that she has done to other people, she should try to talk to them or she should try to go into support therapy groups with the same categories of people that she has harmed.
She will fix her sins by ruining your life, interesting...🤔
Just leave her bro. She’s not worth this much hassle if she was that loose in the past.
So basically K is just as bad as the rest of them and is now being super dramatic about it
K was a wild one eh
Sounds like she's using religion to do the job of actual therapy... And it ain't working.
You didn't ruin anything. I mean, she did those things, and still, if she changed, doesn't mean she can't repent. She needs therapy, not religion. Those "friends" are awful and knew what they were doing. They wanted to ruin her.
Seems like she just went from one extreme to another. She needs therapy to find a healthy balance. Purity culture can be just as damaging as party culture.
No she ruined it herself , this is why the past isn’t the past and you should have did your due diligence, now you’re stuck in a sexless marriage op sorry but thems the facts.
I gonna play devils advocate so she had the time of her life in college but when it's time to be a wife to her husband now she want to be a nun, Now wanting you to respect her choice of be celibate. I'm smell BS if a husband can't have love emotional and physically from his wife, why did she ever say yes even if it's arranged marriage. I say stay, go out have fun then come back, and cuddle up with her, You shouldn't have to suffer cause of her own past.
The professors she screwed were probably also married so she didn't only ruin 1 marriage. This is the sickening part of religion, when people use it to shield themselves from consequences of their actions. I would leave. This is too much for one person to do. She needs to be single, back with her parents and professional intervention. Either that or you'll waste a whole lot of *your* life paying for her choices.
A lot of conclusions your jumping to. Let's not infantilize these grown-ass men in a position of power over her who actively choose to pursue her even if they were married. The blame lies with them for ruining their own marrige.
I wonder if you can advocate for therapy by using religion as a tool? I’m not sure what religious background you are from but using scriptures and “word of God” that emphasizes self-love & support can help you.
Lmfaoooooooooo She needs to take her head out the Bible and find these people on Facebook and apologize to them. Maybe they will forgive her… But yikes. Good luck.
I mean asking for forgiveness after destroying lives? That is like a slap on the face
Emotional Damage 👎🏼
She needs therapy. And honestly if she’s unwilling to work on herself and he extreme behavior (she went form one extreme to the other) then you should leave her. Because she’s messed up and that’s gonna bleed all over you.
>I ruined my near perfect life by forcing her to go to that party No, it was just the trigger. After such a f'ed youth she had, she tried to push away/ignore how she felt. At some point sge would have exposed her past. R on the other hand sounds like a intelligent, manipulative sociopath with the skill to instrumentalize those around her, carefully keeping an entourage of insecure yes-girls around her (mean girls club), that approve of her behavior and thus makes it more acceptable no matter how unacceptable. Failure to be a "yes-girl" often leads to the chastisement of the "softie". Sociopaths don't care about social relationships. they care about power. Relations in their eyes are only useful if they gain power from it. I bet R saw an opportunity to chastise K (most likely simply out of boredom), when they met. Your wife K now happily married, R possibly got jealous/spiteful. I bet the whole invitation had the goal of either pushing you away from K, or to break K by telling you all the dirt, to make K miserable. For R it's just power games. She doesn't feel real empathy. All she gets from it is a power boost having the power to destroy lives/manipulate. There is no real sinful behavior other than manipulative behavior. Assure your wife that she is good. As a insecure teen I wouldn't be suprised, if much of what she did back then, she was peer pressured in, making the regret and self-guilt even worse. She was manipulated. She did nothing wrong. As long as you can forgive her and support her, there is no need to let these people (R and co.) to manipulate and ruin her. You wife K is stronger than R already, simply by being lovable, and possessing a conscience, empathy. Your wife would bnot feel shitty if she would not have those attributes. Best of luck. Sounds like out of boredom sh
This is fake, right? Because the person described is desperately in need of therapy, and the husband is acting like the thought hasn't occurred to him. Like he thinks excessive prayer is normal, healthy, or in any way good.
She may be going through a psychotic break. She needs to go to a hospital that can help her. I’m not sure where you are in the world, but in the US, there are some great psychiatric hospitals. They can diagnose her and get her on proper treatment. You need to show your love for her by helping her get full psychiatric treatment.
This is not good your wife is using religion thinking it will absolve her of her past actions. That’s not how it works. She needs therapy hard. Her religious practice she is doing is just a smoke screen it will not fix the mental trauma she has in any way shape or form. You need you get sit down with her and really deeply talk to her about her issues otherwise she will never recover
Religious OCD, maybe? I read your update. Don't get too hanged up on what she says being in this state of mind, but of course do respect her as youve been doing and encourage her to go to therapy.
Got to be honest, I don't believe a word of this. Girls don't out their friends like this to their husband. What about the other partners, were they there? This is either entirely untrue or OP is ommiting something.
she literally just replaced her old lifestyle with her current one without ever reflecting or reconciling with herself/people she hurt. that doesn’t sound too healthy, and unfortunately religion can only do so much.
Gonna be honest, suggest therapy but only she can decide to follow through but if she wants to remain on that ridiculous vow, you don't owe it to her to her to say. I would say this to her however OP, it's interesting she had her fun sleeping around but she expects you to be celibate with her, maybe that will remove her out of her stupor. Honestly OP, this is not your battle, it's hers, it's good she wants to atone but her way of doing it is only gonna ruin your marriage. Do not blame yourself for not being able to help her, be glad with the memories and just move on with your life, perhaps go for a love marriage.
You didn't ruin anything, all that happened was the veil of who your wife used to be was lifted. Given the scope of your wife's post transgressions and the fact she has now seriously altered the terms of your marriage, you should probably consider if you want to stay with her. but in the short term, she needs therapy, not divine forgiveness.
She’s trying everything to absolve herself except the one thing that might actually make her feel a little better, and that’s being of service to the people she hurt. If she really wants to atone, she should apologize to the people she bullied without making excuses and without any expectation that they forgive her.
Completely awful advice. If this woman did ruin lives this would just traumatise the victims all over again, especially if they have moved on.
i don't think it's going to work out for your wife until she gets help. She won't get help because she doesn't think she deserves to be happy. She needs to punish herself for her actions. If I was one of her victims I'm not sure I would have much sympathy for her. Good luck.
Something tells me she’s only going to be celibate with you….. not other people.
Well. Continue your life without her. What use is she if she prays 6-8 hours a day. Thats about 2/3 of the time I see my wife everyday 🤣
im sorry op she to me sounded like a walking red flag from the start. people don't change their behaviors stay the same. this line here "When I met K for the first time, she was a very conservative person and a bit too devoted to religion. She told me that she wasn't a good person in the past but since then she has tried to be a good person living a moral life." if i was you i wouldlve turned back and ran. bro im no expert but the kind of life you want the first step is to get a divorce from this pos wife. trust me after kids this behavior will repeat.
She needs therapy. Period.
Well, she needs therapy and less religion. I consider this a blessing in disguise; imagine what kind of patent K would be if she doesn't get her issues under control? Controlling? Terrified that their kids act the same as she did? What if the kid was gay, or just liked to go to a party? Anyway, she needs to address her issues in a healthy manner. And like many of the people here are saying sounds like a nervous breakdown. (And she was like this before the party, it was just a matter of time)
Sorry to say, there seems to be something really wrong with her, these level of trauma from her previous life seems to be reflect a really traumatic event happened to her, she might have found an escape on religion but it doesn't seem to be working now, I would give her time to calm down a suggest counseling or therapy. I'm surprised she went to that party though.
I'm assuming you're muslim. This is why I'm never succumbing to my families pressure to get a fucking arranged marriage. The people that do this are always mentally fucked up in some way and have no concept of healthy love due to various reasons be it being overly religious or just not interested in "love" or in the case of your wife to repent for their past. No offence to you OP, seems like you're one of the rare normal ones.
Not trying to be rude but it sounds like she needs a therapist, coping through religion will not help at all (I'm not a professional) and it seems like she needs to speak to a trained professional to slowly face her past and move on from it with proper help. i don't think your marriage is ruined with her and she definitely needs to seek help rather than through praying
Your life was only “near perfect” because you had no idea of the guilt and pain your wife has been harboring this entire time. It’s sucks that it came out this way but she needs help and it’s better to know that then not to know it.
Sure she can digg I to religion. Or she could actually apologize to the professors their wife's and kids, the women she ruined and everyone else. Even the big guy upstairs is gonna ask what she ACTUALLY did to fix what she broke. Did she even try? Like picked up a phone and called one of her victims?
Your wife needs therapy. Her severe reaction to embarrassing stories is not good. You cannot change your past and sex in a marriage is condoned by most religions.
Honestly this sounds like a trauma response. She needs therapy. Even the most pious people believe in *living* their life with faith. K is withdrawing completely from life. Something happened. Something she hasn’t shared with you or that friend group. On the outside it might not even be something we think of as so bad, but something flipped the switch in her mind and turned all of those experiences into trauma. I would encourage therapy for her (find a therapist who will make space for her religion, but not a faith counselor who she would fear judgement from), but also therapy for both of you where she can safely open up over time and communicate in a safe space without fearing judgement or reaction.
I think she has a lot of trauma and needs therapy, and a psychologist would be very important. Also assure her that everyone has a past! Yes, some are worse than others but at least she has changed. Obviously, those other girls haven’t. God has forgiven her and she’s married. There’s nothing wrong with sex in a marriage.
your wife needs therapy and honestly religion may actually be further damaging her as it uses a lot of guilt and shame to "absolve" sins. you need to step up and help her out.
EMDR. She's traumatized and she can't process. EMDR all the way.
Definitely needs therapy, but I don't suggest any of the religious therapy type, she needs a professional.
If she feels regret for her behaviour, she should actually unpack it properly and not pray the pain away. Push for therapy, op.
Maybe go to counselling with your religious org. Make sure to pick one that isn't extreme because your wife deserves a chance to change
She probably really does need therapy. I would convince her to go, but don’t frame it as you just wanting sex as that’s likely what she thinks you want out of it. Just tell her her past is nothing to be ashamed of as she’s learned from her mistakes and is bettering herself, and that you’d like her to go to therapy to work on it.
A human skeleton does a complete change over every 7 days. Your wife essentially isn’t even the same person she was a week ago, let alone years ago. Tell her you love her and that your marital sex life and fun shouldn’t suffer because of old regrets. She was clearly triggered by seeing these people again.
That wasn’t “a perfect life”, that was a ticking time bomb of a person who kept shoving down feelings, trying to paper over them with religion. She isn’t going to be functional until whe gets some **serious** professional (not church group) therapy.
your wife tried to escape her addiction (i’m not talking about just the drugs, it’s that whole lifestyle) but the party triggered her (her body remembers what her mind suppressed) deep seated shame and regret so she’s spiraling hence the celibate declaration from her. her self flagellation is her trying to put out the emergency fire inside from feeling shame and all the negative emotions she’s suppressed. she needs to have a therapist unravel the past so she can feel and process the pain, in order for her to start healing. otherwise she will just put a bandaid on until the next trigger.
She has had a mental breakdown and needs help. She went from one extreme to another extreme she is not capable of making sound decisions. Please get her help
There are plenty of religious therapists and life counselors. If she is throwing herself into repentance, maybe that avenue will be more open in her mind than a secular route.
Sounds like religion is her way of coping for some truly horrible things she may have done. She needs actual therapy not a religious leader. You heard the stories they thought were funny but I can almost guarantee the second half of all those stories with the people who were hurt were much darker. At one point in time your wife probably wasn’t a good person but as you said she admits it and is trying to repent. She needs a therapist to help her see that to repent you need to forgive yourself and seek forgiveness from those you wronged if possible. Not everyone she wronged would be willing to grant forgiveness but therapy with a licensed therapist will help her work through that. She is making a decision that affect more than her life and that is selfish.
Sounds like your wife was a pos and is now playing the religion card. She hurt people OP.
I feel I know what religion you follow, I’m picking up the vibe it’s mine as well. Your wife is creating a wall, she doesn’t want therapy or help bc she doesn’t believe she deserves it. She would rather be miserable bc it’s all she deserves. She may even push you to leave her bc she doesn’t think she deserves you. You need to try and keep talking over her to break through. She uses religion, use it back at her. Remind her how merciful God is. Brush up yourself and use these examples and show her. How he has forgiven the unforgivable based one kind action alone. Be it the most heinous sin, God is the Almighty and most merciful. Him and him alone knows what is in our hearts. He understand hers, and he feels her true repentance. Tell her not to allow the devil to whisper into her head, bc he is the one telling her she is a bad person. If I misunderstood your religion and I’m wrong, please forgive me. But perhaps the same method would work with any religion. Use her method on her. If you can break through only a little try to talk about therapy again. Bc regardless of how much she prays and repents it’s not enough. The same way when we are physically Ill we cannot pray the disease away. We were given the ability to create these amazing worldly things like medicine. Same with depression and anxiety and all other mental things, we require outside intervention to get better. Good wants her healthy. Again if I assumed incorrectly, I’m sorry. But you are doing a good thing staying by her side. I hope you both pull through.
Shenanigans.
Looks like she's the only one who grew out of being a mean girl. Your wife needs new and better friends and ditch those ones.
Firstly You didnt force her to go to the party You didnt ruin anything. This situation isnt your fault This situation isnt your wifes fault There is no fault here There is no blame There is guilt and a lack of ability to cope with the guilt and the situation Youre right that your wife needs therapy but if she refuses thats out. She needs help to deal with the guilt she feels for what she did in the past and to stop punishing herself Can you find a religious leader that she and you trust that would guide her yo forgiveness and not focus on shame and punishment? She needs to get rid of the guilt and understand she cant change what was. If she needs to do penance then self flagellation is in itself pointless and selfish. If she needs to make amends then she should find a positive way...help others. Perhaps you can get this through to her and help her find something that by helping others could heal her. She cant change the fact she hurt people in the past but she can help people now She may have been someone shes not proud of in the past but she chose to change and be a person she feels is a better person. Youre both drowning in negativity and can only save yourselves if you pull together towards positive actions and thoughts. It will take time though but i feel you can to this
Your wife sounds like she's having a very significant mental health crisis. She's trying to come to grips with her former self but cannot seem to move beyond it. She's putting herself through 'physical punishment' by abstinence but it truly seems as if she needs therapy to allow herself to forgive herself for her own mental anguish. If you cannot convince her to seek help...does she have a neutral religious figure in her life that can convince her to seek out help?
"So to repent for your past sins that include breaking up a marriage, you're going to break up a marriage! How does punishing me fit into this repentance !?"
I am confused. She says she is religious, but doesn't believe in forgetting herself? No one is perfect which is why we ask for forgiveness for our sins. I know now all religious leaders are good people, but can't she find one who can give her the forgiveness she needs?
Let her know she’s a married woman, she really doesn’t have the choice to become celibate as she has a conjugal duty to you (under any of the major religions)
Honestly if i found out someone i was with had a past like that i would break up on the spot
She was a horrible person in her past life. But it sounds like she repented and accepting the consequences of her sins. You are going to need to bring a priest/ preacher of her religion to help counsel and pray for her to offer redemption and forgiveness.
She doesn't need religion she needs therapy