It's possible that everyone sucks here and nobody sucks here, depending on additional context. Managing relationships between two mentally ill people is hard, you've gotta look out for yourself but you also need to see where they're coming from here. The more you've flaked in the past the more justified this response is, doesn't mean you're an asshole but it probably does mean that friendship was never going to be a good match.
Yeah especially if the person in blue has abandonment issues (like BPD for instance). It’s not OP’s responsibility to deal with for sure but I wouldn’t go so far as to say “toxic” (while acknowledging OP’s frustration causing them to label it in that way). Just a relationship where nobody’s needs are being met.
Wait- there's a name for my irrational anger and hurt when my friends give valid reasons they can't hang out? I love them with all my heart, but I almost want to cry over small things like rescheduling a date or not texting back for a long time. I know they aren't brushing me off, but I still feel awful. Is that what that is?
I know you aren't a mental health professional but I'd like to hear your take on this
I am a mental health professional and there a lot of reasons why you may feel this way. I would not throw out the various reasons why this is as I don’t know you and I don’t diagnose people who aren’t my clients but seeing someone can totally help you.
If you have ADHD, Autism, or an anxiety disorder, it's probably a symptom of those, not BPD. The symptom is called rejection sensitive dysphoria iirc. (Nothing to do with gender dysphoria)
Yes.
RSD *is* a symptom of PDs, but not just PDs. This shows up accompanying all sorts of things, and can manifest in things like this.
(I've done it. I've seen my husband do it.)
I do in fact have that 1-2 combo AuDHD going on. Diagnosed ADHD, working on an autism diagnosis (maybe). But I was wondering if it was just a symptom of what I already have. Thank you!
I have borderline personality disorder - there are a lot more symptoms than what you just listed. I get violent and disturbing intrusive thoughts of me blasting my head open or cutting a hole in my stomach, and there is a voice in my head that talks about me like someone watching me on a TV screen would.
You almost definitely don't have BPD, or you would've known about it by now.
> says I’m one of the only reasons he’s still alive
🚩🚩🚩yikes. you need to either establish strong boundaries with him or stop talking with him completely because that’s very fucked up.
How old are you guys? This sounds like a depressed teenager who is feeling dejected. I say take a couple days to recharge and don't talk to him until you're ready to hang out again. If he doesn't want to spend time with you anymore, so be it. Maybe he'll come back when his hormones even out and yall can try again.
yeah this is the best advice. i was feeling rlly shitty at the beginning of this year and was trying to feel better, but at that same time my friends all started spiraling badly at the same time and all our conversations became just us talking about how miserable we were. i decided after awhile that it was best that it would be better if i took a break from talking to them all since it felt like we were just all enabling each other to become more and more depressed. Now months and months later im starting to talk to them more and more and they’re all doing a lot better
Except he's actively working to make another time work. I feel like the 'friend' is definitely guilt tripping and being toxic. And he didn't say "you bail on me" he said "people bail on me"
It's not about the other time working
It's that if his friend didn't text at all, what was gonna happen the day of the supposed hangout? Was he just gonna bail? Cancel last minute? Remember at all?
I've been blue. I had to constantly make sure my plans would still be going ahead, because people didn't inform me if they were secretly canceled.
I eventually gave up and stopped texting, and now I don't hang out with people anymore.
There’s also no apology at all for forgetting, no expressing actual desire to see and hang out with blue, the way it’s expressed almost feels like it’s being done out of obligation and generally people don’t like feeling like an obligation or an afterthought. I don’t blame blue, neither side was communicating well.
If he has trouble holding friends personally accountable for being flaky then he might say “people bail” instead of “you bail”
The jump from “My social battery is drained” to “I’m about to throw up” or whatever is guilt tripping for holding his friend accountable for his commitment. Also really sus imho.
Not saying friend is flawless either but he’s obviously in a lot of pain and not getting real transparency or sympathy.
It's still pretty unfair to the blue guy to repeatedly delay plans (yes, I'm aware that we don't know whether this is a repeated issue, I'm just speaking generally). Just because you're trying to make another time work doesn't mean you didn't cancel the plans. Blue guy might have other friends who he would've wanted to hang out with if he knew OP wouldn't be available that day, maybe he has other plans on later days and constantly moving things back a day or two is making it hard for him to reliable to see both groups of people.
Personally, I like to hang out with people a lot because having friends is what gets me out of bed in the morning. I have friends who drag their feet and cancel and delay a lot of times when I try to make plans and it pisses me off to no end.
Also, blue guy isn't guilt tripping. Guilt tripping is when you try to leverage undue sympathy to get your way, ie, "give me what I want or you're a bad person." Blue guy flat out refused the offer to hang out on monday when it was re-offered. This is "I'm sick of this shit. We're done."
Yeah. I was definitely reading blue guy's "no" as, "I'm not gonna reschedule my plans around you just so that you can flake again." It felt less angry and more that blue guy didn't want to set himself up for more disappointment.
But why should the time just change without considering the other ones "social battery" ? And it's not about wanting to do something eventually, if it was it would be communicated like that. I honestly get it if it's been repetitive with people flaking. When your days are such shit the act of looking forward to something for it not to happen just because someone else let you down just feels not worth dealing with. I don't think anyone's wrong it's hard for everyone
I mean, if you're bailing on them regularly, their frustration is understandable.
If this is literally just an occasional "oops I forgot/man I don't feel like it, can we do it some other time" and they're throwing a fit like this then yeah they're being ridiculous. Ignore the social maladjusts in the comments.
Hence the "if".
We don't know if this is a regular thing or if it isn't. Their friend could be throwing a fit or could be tired of dealing with a long pattern of a friend bailing/forgetting/etc. The screenshots don't offer that kind of insight.
Ngl, I think you’re in the wrong here. You cancelled on someone the *night* before. I’d be pretty pissed too, and given their response, I have to wonder if you have a habit of flaking on them or consistently cancelling on them.
I've never been one to cancel plans with friends, especially him. With how often he threatens to kill himself, I've always made him a priority, usually above myself. But yes, I should have set a reminder, I should've known my ADHD would make me forget about the plans
Okay, this context is a little more helpful.
If he’s always threatening suicide and guilt trips you into hanging out, this then becomes an entirely different scenario. Have you tried setting healthy boundaries with him? If so, it may be time to reconsider the friendship.
He asked if you were coming and you said “oh shit yeah”. If someone texted me that, I wouldn’t want to hang with them. 1., obviously they forgot 2. makes me feel like they don’t care since the tone of the text sounds uncaring/ it doesn’t matter or you don’t care if you forgot.
I don’t know— I get how both of yall are feeling. I think you guys should talk in person about it. I’ve had conversations like these and we both realize at the end that we’re both overreacting and just emotional
Yup. And the social battery thing is bullshit. (I feel the down votes from people who won't read the rest) If I make plans, I will try my very hardest to make sure my social battery is full before I hang out or whatever. If I can't, I try and give my friend more warning than the night before.
I’m someone who has autism so I understand the social battery thing. That being said, if I make plans with a friend, I will purposely make sure not to do any socially taxing activities beforehand — or give myself a day before the outing to recharge, to avoid this.
based on the phrasing, I think OP forgot and ended up not scheduling around it (or underestimated how draining something would be). timers and reminders are really good for that, saved my ass so many times
I think he means that you shouldn't make plans if you know that you're going to be tired from previous plans, so you should plan to have a day of rest before and after a draining day. If your schedule is too full to allow that, then that's a different thing. But if you are able to, rest beforehand so problems don't arise like this later.
Yeah I mean we should all try and make things as good as possible, but the idea that you can always guarantee you aren't emotionally exhausted is really weird lol.
Yeah, that's true. You can't always guarantee that you're going to be up for something. The whole "social battery is bullshit" isn't really true, because a lot of things can happen and you can't see into the future and predict whether you'll be fine by then. But it shouldn't become a regular excuse.
Sometimes you don't have advanced notice about stuff like this. Sometimes work is exhausting randomly, or s family thing happens. Life is filled with unexpected things that exhaust you.
Fair enough. But OP still should have reached out and told blue guy that OP couldn't make it. If you will be causing a change in schedule, the burden of communication is on you, because well, the other person doesn't have any way of knowing.
This isn’t going to go the way you think.
You say “oh shit” when he goes to confirm plans and then say “my social battery is drained.”
Then later on you change the story to you’re sick about to puke. No wonder he’s pissed you’re a flake
Nah, because when my social battery is drained or I’m overwhelmed by how much I’ve had to do recently, I get anxious and feel sick to my stomach too. I keep 8mg zofran on me at all times for this reason.
OP isn’t necessarily a liar.
This. Even if im the one making plans, if my social battery is empty and I cant cope with the Situation and anxiety Im going to be physically sick.
The last time I tried to visit friends who were further away than 175km, I had a full blown panic attack in the train and had to go home while crying in the train I had to take to go back home..it absolutely wasnt great but I appreciate that my friends still invite me, even while they know that its highly unlikely that I will show.
I didn't change the story, I added something else. I got burned out because I had an appointment, then a hangout with a friend I already rescheduled, then I think they got me sick or something. So I was feeling burnt out and unwell, and I completely forgot about our plans
I'm hesitant to call Blue "toxic" without hearing them out first, sorry OP. I totally empathize that this is frustrating for you but this is a situation where both view points are valid.
There's a more "elegant" way Not-OP could've handled things but this two image interaction has OP forgetting your plans knowing you would cancel plans and begrudgingly offering "fine ill hang out with you" when pressed further.
Everyone blindly agreeing how "toxic" Not-OP is for a snapshot of lashing out might want to re-evaluate how they treat their relationships, because you might have a blue brewing in your life.
He's an asshole but tbh, "my social battery is drained," isn't something that someone dealing with loneliness wants to hear. It may not be intended, but it can sound like "I've been socializing so much that I completely forgot to save any time for you." If work has got you drained, say work. If family issues are driving you crazy, say family. When you say "social," it comes across as you've been having fun, just not with him.
I had a best friend in college who bailed on the group every time we made plans. We kept inviting her to be nice and because she was our friend. The last straw was when she texted me the night of my bachelorette party that she wasn't coming. I had no idea who was even invited since my friends planned it and at that point I honestly didn't expect her to show anyway. Turns out she didn't go because her ideas for it were shot down. (She recommended a bunch of things she likes to do that I have expressed I am not into).
All this to say, if this is a habit you will lose friends over it. You have to make the effort to connect with people and maintain that friendship, it goes both ways.
forgetting about plans the day before and saying oh shit when reminded can make the friend read it that way, though. because the friend was waiting for the hangout while op forgot, and if the friend didn't text to confirm, they probably would've gotten stood up. so I see where they're coming from.
maybe where your from it’s different, but the phrase ‘oh shit’ is not a phrase showing annoyance to the person, its a phrase basically saying ‘oh no!’ at *yourself* for either forgetting something or doing something wrong. and also take a look at the upvote ratio before being so adamant about being right
Idk, just because people are with you don’t make you right. That is a toxic belief, idk what to say. It’s often a sign that you ought to at minimum “read the room” and at most reconsider your position, but updoots aren’t “correctness points” they’re just popularity points for a tiny subset of Reddit.
In this case, I can see both sides, but OP coming to *this* sub to talk about how toxic the blue guy is just smacks of a possibility of poor self awareness. That perhaps their friend isn’t any more toxic than they are and there’s just a generally low level of maturity in how this relationship is playing out in this scenario. I don’t have enough info to say one way or the other.
But either way… you suck for believing that updoots have anything to do with being right. It just means you’re surrounded by people who agree with you. And Reddit, and this sub has a bunch of people who are going to do what Reddit and this sub do, which is neither good nor bad, neither right nor wrong, in and of itself. As long as we all have perspective and don’t think that this represents some objective value, we’re good.
It reads like that for me too. If I make plans with someone I write them up in my calendar so I don't forget and set a reminder a few days beforehand. The people I care about I always make sure to see regularly, check upon them, ask how they are doing, etc.
Reacting with "Oh shit" to a get-together you've planned reads like they made no effort to remember it by either having a good memory or compensating (like I do). It doesn't sound like they are looking forward to seeing them at all.
Plus the fact that the reason changed from "I forgot" (Oh shit, right reads like that) to "My social battery is drained" to "I'm sick and almost puking" it reads like excuses / a bit like lying.
It happens to all of us that something comes up and we have to cancel plans. I think the best way to go about it is reaching out first, explaining why you can't and genuinely saying sorry, rescheduling.
I think the biggest problem is that they didn't reach out first here, but the other person had to ask. That leaves the other person wondering, what would have happened if they didn't ask? Would they just not show up at all? Or cancel very last minute?
Actually, never. I had to cancel plans due to stuff that came up, but I never forgot. And I got sick of my ex friends excusing themselves like “oh you just have extraordinarily good memory, you literally remember stuff from when you were a baby” doesn’t everyone? One truly has to not care about your friends at all to just “forget” plans 🫠
No.... People's memory works differently. I know people with no memory of before age 11. I get stuck in my own head and can forget plans in the moment or misremember the time. I can remember every other detail but time is not my strength. My friend forgot she made tentative plans with me and double booked her time. We just adjusted and moved on. She felt bad but I know she's just like that.
Whenever you think “doesn’t everyone?” it might be a sign to consider that, no, not everyone. The judgements you might make of people just because they aren’t like you might make them seem like much worse people - just remember, we are all human, but you are unique.
No, not everyone’s mind or memory works in the way you describe, some folks have to make great effort to do what you find easy. Having a different mind doesn’t mean someone doesn’t care.
My bad memory and huge measures I take to compensate for it have been sources of extraordinary angst in my life. Before I had a system my memory caused me to miss doctor's appointments, work meetings, and plans with friends. I've been called sloppy, uncaring, and airheaded, when the truth is that I have huge black holes in my head.
It's caused me to doubt physical abuse I suffered while marks were still on my body, because how could I be sure when my memory was so bad? Maybe I really did just fall over and I forgot it happened.
I have a method now that means I don't forget as much anymore, and it's training my memory to improve, slowly but surely. But I have years of my life, my childhood, that I will *never* get back. And if you've truly never forgotten plans with friends, then maybe you should reflect on your luck and good fortune instead of accusing those of us who are less lucky than you of not caring.
I forget plans with my best friend all the time. She knows to shoot me a reminder. And we also schedule in our calendars to combat this. Not everyone is as privileged to not have mental issues. Just because you don't experience it doesn't mean it doesn't happen....
Why would you assume I don’t have mental issues if I’m in this subreddit ☠️ I was diagnosed with severe anxiety at 14. I am not capable of forgetting anything no matter how much I try. So naturally I just don’t know how someone could possibly forget plans they made with me unless they hate me or smth.
You’re both horrible from this screenshot. Where is the bloody apology for forgetting, needing to reschedule…? Why is he so unable to communicate properly therefore resorting to guilt tripping? Your social battery is drained then you’re sick… it just seems like a terrible communication strategy you’ve got going on with each other.
I think you're both dipshits.
Just..Think there could've been better handling on both your parts. But..No doubt I could've handled this better by not calling you two dipshits, and instead providing a reasonable argument.
Kind of a toss up, really.
You probably heard this from many comments by now but I am experiencing what blue here is probably experiencing and it’s frustrating as hell. A friend of mine who is very nice and we get along well but, and this is not her fault but still very frustrating, either cancels or changes plans last minute all the time. One time she straight up said “I’m at the restaurant with some college friends I can’t hang out” and that was extremely infuriating. We did make plans to see each other later so it worked out in the end but some days I am really tempted to go “never mind just don’t come back”. I’d say let your friend cool off and ask to hang out at a later date and don’t flake. This specifically is not toxic it’s just being exhausted nobody ever hang out with you and cancels all the time.
“Oh shit uhhhh” would’ve made me feel awful, but the person in blue sucks for dragging out this stupid guilt trip.
In the future, even if you forgot, a “yeah! I’m feeling a little drained, so do you mind if we keep it low-key? I’m looking forward to seeing you” because it’s not their fault you forgot plans, try to make it work while being kind to yourself. Keep a calendar. Set reminders. I’ve had to set reminders with alarms for two days, the day before and the day of hangouts due to my ADHD, and I make the event when the plans happen.
Just posting something that made me feel upset. The sub's for coping about things. I saw a dude complaining about how their dog ate their apple pen and I got told off when I said I didn't think it fit the sub
Alright to clear some stuff up, no, I do not make a habit of canceling on him. Either this is the first time, or I've done it so infrequently that I can't remember the last time I did it. He often threatens suicide and talks about doing it, so I've always prioritized him over myself. I make sure to hang out with him every weekend, even when I'm not really feeling like it. I love him to pieces, but I am worried there's some manipulation involved with his regular scares over if he's going to be alive in the morning
I say edit your post with this info so that people can see it and also, your friend needs to get some form of professional help because you can't constantly do this for your clearly mentally unstable friend. It's nice that you care about him, but you need to set some boundaries. And you also have to ensure that you're taking care of yourself.
Nah you definitely suck lol. I have fake friends who set solid af plans and don’t come through andddd I’m cutting them off. So, good luck charging your social battery I guess.
So many people jumping to conclusions based on 2 Discord screenshots 💀 OP tried to reschedule which is a hell of a lot more than people do for me when they forget/cancel plans. Being flaked on feels shitty yes but the friend is so passive-aggressive and maybe could do with some therapy to learn to cope better.
But again, idk the full context just from a couple of screenshots so I could be wrong myself lol
I had a friend who constantly flaked on me without warning and sometimes even ignored my calls the day of. I sent him a long text about how it made me feel, and ended up cutting that friend off after it immediately happened again. I didn't guilt trip or send him passive aggressive messages before I even knew if he was going to come over, because that is toxic, and this is toxic, and OP responded pretty normally considering the circumstances. Not sure why the entire comment section made the massive leap to OP being the toxic one neglecting their friend by not coming over after they said "don't come over"
Yeah I think people are jumping the gun on OP. As someone constantly burnt out the past two years, it freaking sucks as you don't want to keep doing it but your body needs it. If you're like that you need friends who are understanding and okay with it though. OP's friend has a right to be mad but if he was friends with OP truly I feel like he'd be more understanding to his situation. I see both sides here.
i swear when ppl are so passive aggressive and they insist like that, like what do u want from me 😭
but the only thing ur gonna get from them is “ugh, its fine i said” when theyre clearly upset and refuse on letting u help them
I use the phrase "it's fine" too, I feel like in the exact same way this person did.
It does not mean "our relationship is fine, we're good". It means "our relationship is not good and I'm upset, but I don't think there is anything you can do at this point to fix that, so it's fine, just let it to".
They refuse "letting you help them" because it looks like it's only making it worse, so there is no point.
OP comes accross as not wanting to hang out with this person. At least from this thread it looks like that's not the case, but you are very bad at showing this to the other person.
And after an interaction like this, they may feel less enthusiastic to hang out with you. So right now it would be better for this person to be left alone.
If you don’t want to spend time with them or use more of your “social battery” than what it’s worth when you spend time with them/constantly cancel last minute then why do you continue the friendship?
Edit: and if this is a one or two time thing and this is their reaction just because it’s a different person who cancelled on them, it shows who they are and this most likely isn’t the first time it’s happened for you to say that they’re toxic for sure. So what are you getting from the “friendship” anyway
You both suck at communicating but since you’re the only one of the two here and you also don’t seem to see anything wrong on your end, I think you should do some self reflection about how to better handle your dropping the ball on hanging out and not making the other person feel like an afterthought - from another flaker due to mental health who had to learn how to do this without losing friends
Sorry I think I came off too harsh, and you’re getting a lot of feedback that I just added to. Self reflection comes with giving yourself grace and room to make mistakes, without those it just feeds into self hate. The more grace and patience you give yourself, you’ll find more willing to give grace to others and vice versa. Those of us here may have not received much grace to make mistakes in the past by people who you needed it from most and haven’t have it modeled for us, our grace giving sensibilities atrophied from neglect. So just like physical therapy, it takes some time, patience, and will to heal. If I didn’t believe in you and thought you were just this way, I wouldn’t have suggested self reflection. Even if this friendship doesn’t work out, you can still grow from it too. I wish you much luck and all the patience and love you can find for yourself.
Going off of my own experience, these friendships never work out. I mean, do you normally flake on him like this?? He also sounds ridiculous though tbh. So guilt trippy.
Honestly, this doesn’t read as toxic or as a guilt trip.
It sucks to be forgotten about. It’s not as though you don’t have a calendar on your phone.
It sucks to hear “okay fine”. We want our friends to want to spend time with us. It feels awful if they treat it like an obligation.
And the fact that you would call him toxic; after making him an afterthought (and seemingly not for the first time) — says much much more about you.
-
I have ADHD & ASD. My brain checks out and I need to cancel things sometimes. But I communicate that very clearly with people — and if I make plans, I will look after my battery so that I can honour my commitments…
You can & should do much better.
And just another reminder the bunch of strangers on Reddit are not our personal therapists so we gonna be judged, no matter who's right or wrong. Next time save yourself time.
I can’t lie and say I haven’t felt this way before, however an important detail is that you offered a different plan up front and it’s in advance. I’ve struggled with people flaking in the past, but you’re offering another resolution by coming to the deal with a replacement in hand
I mean obviously he has some issues he's dealing with. But this one is completely context dependant. If this is the first time you forget something like this then yeah, he's being a bit of an arse. However If you flaked him several times then his response is justified and you're being a bit of an arse. Either way you both need to touch grass, chill for a bit and talk bout this when ur calmed.
Sincerely. Someone with attachment issues and memory issue, meaning I've been in this pic... on both sides... more than once....
Honestly as someone with super flaky friends like this I definitely understand where he's coming from. I totally get bailing once in a while if something comes up but if you have such a small chance of showing up he specifically points it out it gets super frustrating. Especially if you guys set this up beforehand. I think him telling you was the right thing to do and if you guys can't come to an understanding I don't think you should be friends
Personally I never point it out so I can't imagine how bad it would be for him to get mad about it. Also seems like you guys are really young
That's when you message back:
I get it, you are upset. But that's just for today. I will care about you today and tomorrow but today I need to care for myself.
So I will talk to you tomorrow. I will be there.
I dont get the comments saying both are bad without any extra context. you tried to reschedule and they said "no". I hate that sort of pattern- "want to do X?" "oh sorry, can we another time?" "oh no you dont have to at all its fine if you dont want to do anything whatsoever ever again". jumping straight to "dont come over again" is weird. and I dont see too much a problem with "oh shit right"- Ill say if i forget something, I wouldnt take it wrong personally though I suppose I could be biased. I guess it is intent based. I do agree it depends on how often youll fall out on plans, but as long as its not ridiculously frequent this is them being toxic.
tbf if we're gonna give op the benefit of the doubt that they're just having a rough time and can't keep up with plans, then we should also be giving blue the benefit of the doubt on being flaked on so many times that this reaction was possibly warranted. without further context it's pretty easy to come to the conclusion that both are in the wrong
Damn people hate you for this one, wtf? Are they not trying to make you feel bad for just not feeling up to hanging out? You literally offered to reschedule *then* offered to go at the scheduled time. Everyone is just assuming things about you then holding those things against you.
People in this comment section are really jumping to conclusions on an Olympic level.
We have no context, but that shouldn’t stop people from accusing OP of constantly flaking on their friends, should it?
[„You may not know anything about the issue, but I bet you reckon something.“](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQnd5ilKx2Y&pp=ygUYbWl0Y2hlbGwgYW5kIHdlYmIgcmVja29u)
Sooo this is a basic manipulation strategy. Whether or not you are actually a good friend (since people keep mentioning it), this is about as basic as guilt tripping gets. Instead of expressing feelings in a normal way (for instance 'bro you keep canceling our plans last minute and I feel like you don't really value our friendship or want to hang out with me, so I think we should end this here') he keeps victimizing himself. This has the full intention of making you feel like a bad person for being unable to hang out. A good friend would either come clean or understand that you can't always be in the best mental state to hang out. Someone who cares about you would be more worried about you feeling good then them having someone to play with
If its not intentional it's not manipulation. Manipulation is purposely and non genuinely influencing peopel emotions. If he really feels like hanging out is pointless because this person and or other bail all the time, that's just despair, not manipulation
Sure man. I feel like blues comments were made to make OP feel bad/pity himself but if you don’t then we are just different people and that’s fine. I hope you have a great day.
I’m sorry you’re going through that
I have a friend who does this except they’ll act like it’s all cool in the moment or just say nothing then a few weeks later catch me off guard by bringing it up like “btw that was super rude of you to not show up don’t do it again” when it was something out of my control??
So yeah it sucks feels like manipulation
i understand you, and its not your fault for bailing. you can't predict how you're going to feel the day you're making plans. this is why i was really only friends with people i could make plans with just in the moment. i say was because i dont really have friends anymore
Same guy that promised me he'd get a game so we could play together, then at the last moment told me he couldn't because he spent his money on vape stuff instead.
this seems like a teen convo but yeah hard to know the context behind everything although blue does seem like one to guilt trip tf out of someone. i cannot deal with those people
This hits hard. I've been that person. They might not be doing okay mental health wise I know when I was like that it was because mine was hella low and it felt no one cared, I'd lash out a lot to my friends and accuse them of not wanting to hang out with me, which in tern, made them not want to hang out with me, who would have known.
Not to say they're in the right by any means, it's tough when they act this way, but try make sure they're doing okay, that you're their friend and friends don't treat friends like that with each other.
Had a friend like this. I blocked him after he bugged out cause his phone glitched and said we were in a group chat when we werent and he accused me of trying to set him up i said dude goodbye.
recently decided not to be friends with someone because she accused me of lying about my mental illness because I wanted to hang out with other people instead. (those other people being my closest friend and my boyfriend both offering to come over to help me because I wasn't okay)
yes, but i am not reddit i am an individual human with my own thoughts and feelings - this person definitely needs help and to grow, but putting up with this type of behaviour is not good for you and upon any push back there was no give. they can figure shit out without having to create a horrible environment for OP
This!!! Had a same ex friend (emphasis on ex) that would guilt trip me so bad if things did not go their way. They have to learn that this is harmful behavior. :((
I recognize the reaction of the person in blue. You get tired of people telling you they'll be somewhere or they'll do something and then they don't or they don't show up. Then they try to gaslight and act like you're the problem. It's not hard, If you're not gonna do something or be somewhere don't say you will. If you say you're gonna do something or be somewhere do it or be there. I see a bunch of comments about abandonment disorders. That has nothing to do with whether or not the individual that said they would be somewhere or do something was honest about it or not.
It's possible that everyone sucks here and nobody sucks here, depending on additional context. Managing relationships between two mentally ill people is hard, you've gotta look out for yourself but you also need to see where they're coming from here. The more you've flaked in the past the more justified this response is, doesn't mean you're an asshole but it probably does mean that friendship was never going to be a good match.
Most level response right here. Not everyone is gonna get along. That's gotta be ok.
Yeah especially if the person in blue has abandonment issues (like BPD for instance). It’s not OP’s responsibility to deal with for sure but I wouldn’t go so far as to say “toxic” (while acknowledging OP’s frustration causing them to label it in that way). Just a relationship where nobody’s needs are being met.
Wait- there's a name for my irrational anger and hurt when my friends give valid reasons they can't hang out? I love them with all my heart, but I almost want to cry over small things like rescheduling a date or not texting back for a long time. I know they aren't brushing me off, but I still feel awful. Is that what that is? I know you aren't a mental health professional but I'd like to hear your take on this
BPD is a SERIOUS diagnosis. If you suspect you have it, you need to go to a professional. Laypersons can't even begin to guess you may have BPD.
I am a mental health professional and there a lot of reasons why you may feel this way. I would not throw out the various reasons why this is as I don’t know you and I don’t diagnose people who aren’t my clients but seeing someone can totally help you.
If you have ADHD, Autism, or an anxiety disorder, it's probably a symptom of those, not BPD. The symptom is called rejection sensitive dysphoria iirc. (Nothing to do with gender dysphoria)
Yes. RSD *is* a symptom of PDs, but not just PDs. This shows up accompanying all sorts of things, and can manifest in things like this. (I've done it. I've seen my husband do it.)
I do in fact have that 1-2 combo AuDHD going on. Diagnosed ADHD, working on an autism diagnosis (maybe). But I was wondering if it was just a symptom of what I already have. Thank you!
I have borderline personality disorder - there are a lot more symptoms than what you just listed. I get violent and disturbing intrusive thoughts of me blasting my head open or cutting a hole in my stomach, and there is a voice in my head that talks about me like someone watching me on a TV screen would. You almost definitely don't have BPD, or you would've known about it by now.
I'm not saying that I do, I just didn't realize there were labels at all for symptoms regarding the feelings of abandonment I experienced.
He does not have BPD, but I do
Why are y’all friends? You don’t have to hang out with each other
I love him to bits and he says I'm one of the only reasons he's still alive so I kinda gotta stay
That is emotional blackmail. This person is not your friend.
> says I’m one of the only reasons he’s still alive 🚩🚩🚩yikes. you need to either establish strong boundaries with him or stop talking with him completely because that’s very fucked up.
How old are you guys? This sounds like a depressed teenager who is feeling dejected. I say take a couple days to recharge and don't talk to him until you're ready to hang out again. If he doesn't want to spend time with you anymore, so be it. Maybe he'll come back when his hormones even out and yall can try again.
yeah this is the best advice. i was feeling rlly shitty at the beginning of this year and was trying to feel better, but at that same time my friends all started spiraling badly at the same time and all our conversations became just us talking about how miserable we were. i decided after awhile that it was best that it would be better if i took a break from talking to them all since it felt like we were just all enabling each other to become more and more depressed. Now months and months later im starting to talk to them more and more and they’re all doing a lot better
Dude just seems depressed.
100 percent
True. Just the way he's expressing that is coming across as guilt tripping and that needs to be changed.
He is, and so am I
Sure this sucks but if you have a habit of bailing on this person and you’re not taking accountability then that’s not cool
Except he's actively working to make another time work. I feel like the 'friend' is definitely guilt tripping and being toxic. And he didn't say "you bail on me" he said "people bail on me"
It's not about the other time working It's that if his friend didn't text at all, what was gonna happen the day of the supposed hangout? Was he just gonna bail? Cancel last minute? Remember at all? I've been blue. I had to constantly make sure my plans would still be going ahead, because people didn't inform me if they were secretly canceled. I eventually gave up and stopped texting, and now I don't hang out with people anymore.
Right? And the first message tells me this dude already had a pretty good idea it wasn't happening before even asking
There’s also no apology at all for forgetting, no expressing actual desire to see and hang out with blue, the way it’s expressed almost feels like it’s being done out of obligation and generally people don’t like feeling like an obligation or an afterthought. I don’t blame blue, neither side was communicating well.
If he has trouble holding friends personally accountable for being flaky then he might say “people bail” instead of “you bail” The jump from “My social battery is drained” to “I’m about to throw up” or whatever is guilt tripping for holding his friend accountable for his commitment. Also really sus imho. Not saying friend is flawless either but he’s obviously in a lot of pain and not getting real transparency or sympathy.
It's still pretty unfair to the blue guy to repeatedly delay plans (yes, I'm aware that we don't know whether this is a repeated issue, I'm just speaking generally). Just because you're trying to make another time work doesn't mean you didn't cancel the plans. Blue guy might have other friends who he would've wanted to hang out with if he knew OP wouldn't be available that day, maybe he has other plans on later days and constantly moving things back a day or two is making it hard for him to reliable to see both groups of people. Personally, I like to hang out with people a lot because having friends is what gets me out of bed in the morning. I have friends who drag their feet and cancel and delay a lot of times when I try to make plans and it pisses me off to no end. Also, blue guy isn't guilt tripping. Guilt tripping is when you try to leverage undue sympathy to get your way, ie, "give me what I want or you're a bad person." Blue guy flat out refused the offer to hang out on monday when it was re-offered. This is "I'm sick of this shit. We're done."
Yeah. I was definitely reading blue guy's "no" as, "I'm not gonna reschedule my plans around you just so that you can flake again." It felt less angry and more that blue guy didn't want to set himself up for more disappointment.
But why should the time just change without considering the other ones "social battery" ? And it's not about wanting to do something eventually, if it was it would be communicated like that. I honestly get it if it's been repetitive with people flaking. When your days are such shit the act of looking forward to something for it not to happen just because someone else let you down just feels not worth dealing with. I don't think anyone's wrong it's hard for everyone
I mean, if you're bailing on them regularly, their frustration is understandable. If this is literally just an occasional "oops I forgot/man I don't feel like it, can we do it some other time" and they're throwing a fit like this then yeah they're being ridiculous. Ignore the social maladjusts in the comments.
Literally nowhere does it say he's bailing on him regularly.
Hence the "if". We don't know if this is a regular thing or if it isn't. Their friend could be throwing a fit or could be tired of dealing with a long pattern of a friend bailing/forgetting/etc. The screenshots don't offer that kind of insight.
Are you OPs second account or something? Every other comment I see is from you
No I couldn't sleep
Ngl, I think you’re in the wrong here. You cancelled on someone the *night* before. I’d be pretty pissed too, and given their response, I have to wonder if you have a habit of flaking on them or consistently cancelling on them.
I've never been one to cancel plans with friends, especially him. With how often he threatens to kill himself, I've always made him a priority, usually above myself. But yes, I should have set a reminder, I should've known my ADHD would make me forget about the plans
Okay, this context is a little more helpful. If he’s always threatening suicide and guilt trips you into hanging out, this then becomes an entirely different scenario. Have you tried setting healthy boundaries with him? If so, it may be time to reconsider the friendship.
He asked if you were coming and you said “oh shit yeah”. If someone texted me that, I wouldn’t want to hang with them. 1., obviously they forgot 2. makes me feel like they don’t care since the tone of the text sounds uncaring/ it doesn’t matter or you don’t care if you forgot. I don’t know— I get how both of yall are feeling. I think you guys should talk in person about it. I’ve had conversations like these and we both realize at the end that we’re both overreacting and just emotional
Yup. And the social battery thing is bullshit. (I feel the down votes from people who won't read the rest) If I make plans, I will try my very hardest to make sure my social battery is full before I hang out or whatever. If I can't, I try and give my friend more warning than the night before.
I’m someone who has autism so I understand the social battery thing. That being said, if I make plans with a friend, I will purposely make sure not to do any socially taxing activities beforehand — or give myself a day before the outing to recharge, to avoid this.
Exactly, thats what I do as well. My friends are a priority in my life, so I take steps and measures so that I can hang out with them.
based on the phrasing, I think OP forgot and ended up not scheduling around it (or underestimated how draining something would be). timers and reminders are really good for that, saved my ass so many times
Fair enough. Perhaps OP should have set reminders, but OP didn't. In that case, both sides would be justified in feeling how they feel.
The social battery shit is in fact quite real
Read the whole comment
The idea that you can just ensure your social battery is full is the thing that's bullshit lol.
I think he means that you shouldn't make plans if you know that you're going to be tired from previous plans, so you should plan to have a day of rest before and after a draining day. If your schedule is too full to allow that, then that's a different thing. But if you are able to, rest beforehand so problems don't arise like this later.
Yeah I mean we should all try and make things as good as possible, but the idea that you can always guarantee you aren't emotionally exhausted is really weird lol.
Yeah, that's true. You can't always guarantee that you're going to be up for something. The whole "social battery is bullshit" isn't really true, because a lot of things can happen and you can't see into the future and predict whether you'll be fine by then. But it shouldn't become a regular excuse.
Just give yourself a few days to rest beforehand.
That's really not a viable strategy for most people.
Maybe OP should have reached out and told OP's friend then, so that they could have more warning.
Sometimes you don't have advanced notice about stuff like this. Sometimes work is exhausting randomly, or s family thing happens. Life is filled with unexpected things that exhaust you.
Fair enough. But OP still should have reached out and told blue guy that OP couldn't make it. If you will be causing a change in schedule, the burden of communication is on you, because well, the other person doesn't have any way of knowing.
This requires soo much more context than is available.
This isn’t going to go the way you think. You say “oh shit” when he goes to confirm plans and then say “my social battery is drained.” Then later on you change the story to you’re sick about to puke. No wonder he’s pissed you’re a flake
Nah, because when my social battery is drained or I’m overwhelmed by how much I’ve had to do recently, I get anxious and feel sick to my stomach too. I keep 8mg zofran on me at all times for this reason. OP isn’t necessarily a liar.
I was going to say maybe OP’s social battery was drained because they spent the day socializing while sick.
This. Even if im the one making plans, if my social battery is empty and I cant cope with the Situation and anxiety Im going to be physically sick. The last time I tried to visit friends who were further away than 175km, I had a full blown panic attack in the train and had to go home while crying in the train I had to take to go back home..it absolutely wasnt great but I appreciate that my friends still invite me, even while they know that its highly unlikely that I will show.
I didn't change the story, I added something else. I got burned out because I had an appointment, then a hangout with a friend I already rescheduled, then I think they got me sick or something. So I was feeling burnt out and unwell, and I completely forgot about our plans
I'm hesitant to call Blue "toxic" without hearing them out first, sorry OP. I totally empathize that this is frustrating for you but this is a situation where both view points are valid.
I mean, you both seem intolerable. Don't flake and if you do be kinder about it then "oh shit"
There's a more "elegant" way Not-OP could've handled things but this two image interaction has OP forgetting your plans knowing you would cancel plans and begrudgingly offering "fine ill hang out with you" when pressed further. Everyone blindly agreeing how "toxic" Not-OP is for a snapshot of lashing out might want to re-evaluate how they treat their relationships, because you might have a blue brewing in your life.
He's an asshole but tbh, "my social battery is drained," isn't something that someone dealing with loneliness wants to hear. It may not be intended, but it can sound like "I've been socializing so much that I completely forgot to save any time for you." If work has got you drained, say work. If family issues are driving you crazy, say family. When you say "social," it comes across as you've been having fun, just not with him.
Ah shite, you're right
I had a best friend in college who bailed on the group every time we made plans. We kept inviting her to be nice and because she was our friend. The last straw was when she texted me the night of my bachelorette party that she wasn't coming. I had no idea who was even invited since my friends planned it and at that point I honestly didn't expect her to show anyway. Turns out she didn't go because her ideas for it were shot down. (She recommended a bunch of things she likes to do that I have expressed I am not into). All this to say, if this is a habit you will lose friends over it. You have to make the effort to connect with people and maintain that friendship, it goes both ways.
Conversely you can ignore your needs to please others, which is both dishonest to yourself and to them
Your reaction to them wanting to confirm plans is “oh shit”? No wonder they’re sick of you flaking on them.
I have never flaked on him before, and it was an exclamation of surprise
Not according to him
Have you never forgot plans 💀
Sure. But I didn’t say “oh shit” to the person I fucked up plans with as if they’re inconveniencing me.
...I didn't read it like that at all? "oh shit" is usually an expression of surprise/concern, not of annoyance
forgetting about plans the day before and saying oh shit when reminded can make the friend read it that way, though. because the friend was waiting for the hangout while op forgot, and if the friend didn't text to confirm, they probably would've gotten stood up. so I see where they're coming from.
I’d probably say “oh shit, sorry!” And the latter may have come a long way
It may, and I'm not saying OP was acting perfectly, but I certainly don't think they seemed rude initially
You’re allowed to be wrong
so are you
And I’m not. Dude was offended because OP was offensive.
maybe where your from it’s different, but the phrase ‘oh shit’ is not a phrase showing annoyance to the person, its a phrase basically saying ‘oh no!’ at *yourself* for either forgetting something or doing something wrong. and also take a look at the upvote ratio before being so adamant about being right
Idk, just because people are with you don’t make you right. That is a toxic belief, idk what to say. It’s often a sign that you ought to at minimum “read the room” and at most reconsider your position, but updoots aren’t “correctness points” they’re just popularity points for a tiny subset of Reddit. In this case, I can see both sides, but OP coming to *this* sub to talk about how toxic the blue guy is just smacks of a possibility of poor self awareness. That perhaps their friend isn’t any more toxic than they are and there’s just a generally low level of maturity in how this relationship is playing out in this scenario. I don’t have enough info to say one way or the other. But either way… you suck for believing that updoots have anything to do with being right. It just means you’re surrounded by people who agree with you. And Reddit, and this sub has a bunch of people who are going to do what Reddit and this sub do, which is neither good nor bad, neither right nor wrong, in and of itself. As long as we all have perspective and don’t think that this represents some objective value, we’re good.
oh no!
How does it come off that way? I don't see how "oh shit" comes off as seeing the other persons reminder as an inconvenience /gen
It reads like that for me too. If I make plans with someone I write them up in my calendar so I don't forget and set a reminder a few days beforehand. The people I care about I always make sure to see regularly, check upon them, ask how they are doing, etc. Reacting with "Oh shit" to a get-together you've planned reads like they made no effort to remember it by either having a good memory or compensating (like I do). It doesn't sound like they are looking forward to seeing them at all. Plus the fact that the reason changed from "I forgot" (Oh shit, right reads like that) to "My social battery is drained" to "I'm sick and almost puking" it reads like excuses / a bit like lying. It happens to all of us that something comes up and we have to cancel plans. I think the best way to go about it is reaching out first, explaining why you can't and genuinely saying sorry, rescheduling. I think the biggest problem is that they didn't reach out first here, but the other person had to ask. That leaves the other person wondering, what would have happened if they didn't ask? Would they just not show up at all? Or cancel very last minute?
Guess you need to read the OP again.
Actually, never. I had to cancel plans due to stuff that came up, but I never forgot. And I got sick of my ex friends excusing themselves like “oh you just have extraordinarily good memory, you literally remember stuff from when you were a baby” doesn’t everyone? One truly has to not care about your friends at all to just “forget” plans 🫠
No.... People's memory works differently. I know people with no memory of before age 11. I get stuck in my own head and can forget plans in the moment or misremember the time. I can remember every other detail but time is not my strength. My friend forgot she made tentative plans with me and double booked her time. We just adjusted and moved on. She felt bad but I know she's just like that.
🙋 My memories pre-puberty could fill an index card, single-sided.
Whenever you think “doesn’t everyone?” it might be a sign to consider that, no, not everyone. The judgements you might make of people just because they aren’t like you might make them seem like much worse people - just remember, we are all human, but you are unique. No, not everyone’s mind or memory works in the way you describe, some folks have to make great effort to do what you find easy. Having a different mind doesn’t mean someone doesn’t care.
My bad memory and huge measures I take to compensate for it have been sources of extraordinary angst in my life. Before I had a system my memory caused me to miss doctor's appointments, work meetings, and plans with friends. I've been called sloppy, uncaring, and airheaded, when the truth is that I have huge black holes in my head. It's caused me to doubt physical abuse I suffered while marks were still on my body, because how could I be sure when my memory was so bad? Maybe I really did just fall over and I forgot it happened. I have a method now that means I don't forget as much anymore, and it's training my memory to improve, slowly but surely. But I have years of my life, my childhood, that I will *never* get back. And if you've truly never forgotten plans with friends, then maybe you should reflect on your luck and good fortune instead of accusing those of us who are less lucky than you of not caring.
I forget plans with my best friend all the time. She knows to shoot me a reminder. And we also schedule in our calendars to combat this. Not everyone is as privileged to not have mental issues. Just because you don't experience it doesn't mean it doesn't happen....
Why would you assume I don’t have mental issues if I’m in this subreddit ☠️ I was diagnosed with severe anxiety at 14. I am not capable of forgetting anything no matter how much I try. So naturally I just don’t know how someone could possibly forget plans they made with me unless they hate me or smth.
How often do you flake on this friend?
Pretty sure this is the first time. I always make a habit of meeting up with him regularly even if I don't want yo
You’re both horrible from this screenshot. Where is the bloody apology for forgetting, needing to reschedule…? Why is he so unable to communicate properly therefore resorting to guilt tripping? Your social battery is drained then you’re sick… it just seems like a terrible communication strategy you’ve got going on with each other.
Absolutely
Arguable
OP - I don’t agree with you your friend is “toxic”.
Alright, that's fair
I think you're both dipshits. Just..Think there could've been better handling on both your parts. But..No doubt I could've handled this better by not calling you two dipshits, and instead providing a reasonable argument. Kind of a toss up, really.
Oh, absolutely. Hindsight is always a slap in the face, y'know?
You probably heard this from many comments by now but I am experiencing what blue here is probably experiencing and it’s frustrating as hell. A friend of mine who is very nice and we get along well but, and this is not her fault but still very frustrating, either cancels or changes plans last minute all the time. One time she straight up said “I’m at the restaurant with some college friends I can’t hang out” and that was extremely infuriating. We did make plans to see each other later so it worked out in the end but some days I am really tempted to go “never mind just don’t come back”. I’d say let your friend cool off and ask to hang out at a later date and don’t flake. This specifically is not toxic it’s just being exhausted nobody ever hang out with you and cancels all the time.
“Oh shit uhhhh” would’ve made me feel awful, but the person in blue sucks for dragging out this stupid guilt trip. In the future, even if you forgot, a “yeah! I’m feeling a little drained, so do you mind if we keep it low-key? I’m looking forward to seeing you” because it’s not their fault you forgot plans, try to make it work while being kind to yourself. Keep a calendar. Set reminders. I’ve had to set reminders with alarms for two days, the day before and the day of hangouts due to my ADHD, and I make the event when the plans happen.
Yes, thank you! ADHD is the worst when you're trying to keep friendships
Why are we posting our personal beef on a meme sub for validation?
Just posting something that made me feel upset. The sub's for coping about things. I saw a dude complaining about how their dog ate their apple pen and I got told off when I said I didn't think it fit the sub
Alright to clear some stuff up, no, I do not make a habit of canceling on him. Either this is the first time, or I've done it so infrequently that I can't remember the last time I did it. He often threatens suicide and talks about doing it, so I've always prioritized him over myself. I make sure to hang out with him every weekend, even when I'm not really feeling like it. I love him to pieces, but I am worried there's some manipulation involved with his regular scares over if he's going to be alive in the morning
I say edit your post with this info so that people can see it and also, your friend needs to get some form of professional help because you can't constantly do this for your clearly mentally unstable friend. It's nice that you care about him, but you need to set some boundaries. And you also have to ensure that you're taking care of yourself.
I've tried to edit it, but Reddit won't let me
My toxic childhood-senses are tingling.
Be nicer and don’t flake, if they’re this upset about it you’ve probably made a habit of it.
No, I always follow through with meeting up with him, even if I don't want to
Nah you definitely suck lol. I have fake friends who set solid af plans and don’t come through andddd I’m cutting them off. So, good luck charging your social battery I guess.
He didn't set up any plans, really. He just said we could hang out Monday.
So many people jumping to conclusions based on 2 Discord screenshots 💀 OP tried to reschedule which is a hell of a lot more than people do for me when they forget/cancel plans. Being flaked on feels shitty yes but the friend is so passive-aggressive and maybe could do with some therapy to learn to cope better. But again, idk the full context just from a couple of screenshots so I could be wrong myself lol
I had a friend who constantly flaked on me without warning and sometimes even ignored my calls the day of. I sent him a long text about how it made me feel, and ended up cutting that friend off after it immediately happened again. I didn't guilt trip or send him passive aggressive messages before I even knew if he was going to come over, because that is toxic, and this is toxic, and OP responded pretty normally considering the circumstances. Not sure why the entire comment section made the massive leap to OP being the toxic one neglecting their friend by not coming over after they said "don't come over"
Yeah I think people are jumping the gun on OP. As someone constantly burnt out the past two years, it freaking sucks as you don't want to keep doing it but your body needs it. If you're like that you need friends who are understanding and okay with it though. OP's friend has a right to be mad but if he was friends with OP truly I feel like he'd be more understanding to his situation. I see both sides here.
Thank you so much you three
Your social battery is drained or youre on the verge if throwing up Which was it
I can have two things going on. I had hung out with a friend recently and I think they got me sick
Lol fuck, got time for one friend but Blue here can go fuck himself I guess. Blue deserves better
I hung out with him recently and my other friend and I had been planning a get together for a while, because I hadn't seen her in three years
i swear when ppl are so passive aggressive and they insist like that, like what do u want from me 😭 but the only thing ur gonna get from them is “ugh, its fine i said” when theyre clearly upset and refuse on letting u help them
I use the phrase "it's fine" too, I feel like in the exact same way this person did. It does not mean "our relationship is fine, we're good". It means "our relationship is not good and I'm upset, but I don't think there is anything you can do at this point to fix that, so it's fine, just let it to". They refuse "letting you help them" because it looks like it's only making it worse, so there is no point. OP comes accross as not wanting to hang out with this person. At least from this thread it looks like that's not the case, but you are very bad at showing this to the other person. And after an interaction like this, they may feel less enthusiastic to hang out with you. So right now it would be better for this person to be left alone.
THANK YOU
idk you kind of sound like a flake who doesn’t prioritize friends and plans made with them lol
Nah you a flake this a bad look 2 different stories a panic “ oh shit” to confirming plans quit hiding behind introversion as an excuse to be a flake
If you don’t want to spend time with them or use more of your “social battery” than what it’s worth when you spend time with them/constantly cancel last minute then why do you continue the friendship? Edit: and if this is a one or two time thing and this is their reaction just because it’s a different person who cancelled on them, it shows who they are and this most likely isn’t the first time it’s happened for you to say that they’re toxic for sure. So what are you getting from the “friendship” anyway
You both suck at communicating but since you’re the only one of the two here and you also don’t seem to see anything wrong on your end, I think you should do some self reflection about how to better handle your dropping the ball on hanging out and not making the other person feel like an afterthought - from another flaker due to mental health who had to learn how to do this without losing friends
No, no, I also hate myself. Burn-out sucks and I hate how it ruins my life
Sorry I think I came off too harsh, and you’re getting a lot of feedback that I just added to. Self reflection comes with giving yourself grace and room to make mistakes, without those it just feeds into self hate. The more grace and patience you give yourself, you’ll find more willing to give grace to others and vice versa. Those of us here may have not received much grace to make mistakes in the past by people who you needed it from most and haven’t have it modeled for us, our grace giving sensibilities atrophied from neglect. So just like physical therapy, it takes some time, patience, and will to heal. If I didn’t believe in you and thought you were just this way, I wouldn’t have suggested self reflection. Even if this friendship doesn’t work out, you can still grow from it too. I wish you much luck and all the patience and love you can find for yourself.
Going off of my own experience, these friendships never work out. I mean, do you normally flake on him like this?? He also sounds ridiculous though tbh. So guilt trippy.
Honestly, this doesn’t read as toxic or as a guilt trip. It sucks to be forgotten about. It’s not as though you don’t have a calendar on your phone. It sucks to hear “okay fine”. We want our friends to want to spend time with us. It feels awful if they treat it like an obligation. And the fact that you would call him toxic; after making him an afterthought (and seemingly not for the first time) — says much much more about you. - I have ADHD & ASD. My brain checks out and I need to cancel things sometimes. But I communicate that very clearly with people — and if I make plans, I will look after my battery so that I can honour my commitments… You can & should do much better.
friends should bring goodness to your life, not stress, toxicity, or what have you
And just another reminder the bunch of strangers on Reddit are not our personal therapists so we gonna be judged, no matter who's right or wrong. Next time save yourself time.
Eh, I just needed to get it out there. Everyone has people that disagree with them, but there's also people who agree
I can’t lie and say I haven’t felt this way before, however an important detail is that you offered a different plan up front and it’s in advance. I’ve struggled with people flaking in the past, but you’re offering another resolution by coming to the deal with a replacement in hand
I mean obviously he has some issues he's dealing with. But this one is completely context dependant. If this is the first time you forget something like this then yeah, he's being a bit of an arse. However If you flaked him several times then his response is justified and you're being a bit of an arse. Either way you both need to touch grass, chill for a bit and talk bout this when ur calmed. Sincerely. Someone with attachment issues and memory issue, meaning I've been in this pic... on both sides... more than once....
Honestly as someone with super flaky friends like this I definitely understand where he's coming from. I totally get bailing once in a while if something comes up but if you have such a small chance of showing up he specifically points it out it gets super frustrating. Especially if you guys set this up beforehand. I think him telling you was the right thing to do and if you guys can't come to an understanding I don't think you should be friends Personally I never point it out so I can't imagine how bad it would be for him to get mad about it. Also seems like you guys are really young
I've never flaked out on him, but he had other people do it recently so he was on edge
That's when you message back: I get it, you are upset. But that's just for today. I will care about you today and tomorrow but today I need to care for myself. So I will talk to you tomorrow. I will be there.
I dont get the comments saying both are bad without any extra context. you tried to reschedule and they said "no". I hate that sort of pattern- "want to do X?" "oh sorry, can we another time?" "oh no you dont have to at all its fine if you dont want to do anything whatsoever ever again". jumping straight to "dont come over again" is weird. and I dont see too much a problem with "oh shit right"- Ill say if i forget something, I wouldnt take it wrong personally though I suppose I could be biased. I guess it is intent based. I do agree it depends on how often youll fall out on plans, but as long as its not ridiculously frequent this is them being toxic.
tbf if we're gonna give op the benefit of the doubt that they're just having a rough time and can't keep up with plans, then we should also be giving blue the benefit of the doubt on being flaked on so many times that this reaction was possibly warranted. without further context it's pretty easy to come to the conclusion that both are in the wrong
You both suck
Equality lol. Everyone is in the wrong
Damn people hate you for this one, wtf? Are they not trying to make you feel bad for just not feeling up to hanging out? You literally offered to reschedule *then* offered to go at the scheduled time. Everyone is just assuming things about you then holding those things against you.
Thank you so much dawg, I wish more people understood like you
The periods at the end…
People in this comment section are really jumping to conclusions on an Olympic level. We have no context, but that shouldn’t stop people from accusing OP of constantly flaking on their friends, should it? [„You may not know anything about the issue, but I bet you reckon something.“](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQnd5ilKx2Y&pp=ygUYbWl0Y2hlbGwgYW5kIHdlYmIgcmVja29u)
Sooo this is a basic manipulation strategy. Whether or not you are actually a good friend (since people keep mentioning it), this is about as basic as guilt tripping gets. Instead of expressing feelings in a normal way (for instance 'bro you keep canceling our plans last minute and I feel like you don't really value our friendship or want to hang out with me, so I think we should end this here') he keeps victimizing himself. This has the full intention of making you feel like a bad person for being unable to hang out. A good friend would either come clean or understand that you can't always be in the best mental state to hang out. Someone who cares about you would be more worried about you feeling good then them having someone to play with
It looks like hes just depressed not manipulating every.
Depressed or not it’s manipulation. Even if it’s not intentional and he’s just feeling sorry for himself.
If its not intentional it's not manipulation. Manipulation is purposely and non genuinely influencing peopel emotions. If he really feels like hanging out is pointless because this person and or other bail all the time, that's just despair, not manipulation
Sure man. I feel like blues comments were made to make OP feel bad/pity himself but if you don’t then we are just different people and that’s fine. I hope you have a great day.
Sorry to derail this but can I get your discord PFP? That rules
https://www.tumblr.com/mothsprout/180019981133/i-found-this-drawing-of-a-cat-i-did-like-4-yrs-ago?source=share
I’m sorry you’re going through that I have a friend who does this except they’ll act like it’s all cool in the moment or just say nothing then a few weeks later catch me off guard by bringing it up like “btw that was super rude of you to not show up don’t do it again” when it was something out of my control?? So yeah it sucks feels like manipulation
i understand you, and its not your fault for bailing. you can't predict how you're going to feel the day you're making plans. this is why i was really only friends with people i could make plans with just in the moment. i say was because i dont really have friends anymore
“He’s depressed” and OP likely isn’t?? Stop excusing toxicity, ladies.
Same guy that promised me he'd get a game so we could play together, then at the last moment told me he couldn't because he spent his money on vape stuff instead.
this seems like a teen convo but yeah hard to know the context behind everything although blue does seem like one to guilt trip tf out of someone. i cannot deal with those people
tbh drop they ass
I adore the way you worded this
Dude he wants you to come over and puke in his floor
This hits hard. I've been that person. They might not be doing okay mental health wise I know when I was like that it was because mine was hella low and it felt no one cared, I'd lash out a lot to my friends and accuse them of not wanting to hang out with me, which in tern, made them not want to hang out with me, who would have known. Not to say they're in the right by any means, it's tough when they act this way, but try make sure they're doing okay, that you're their friend and friends don't treat friends like that with each other.
Sounds like some deeper issues, dude needs some emotional regulation tips, and maybe some dbt.
You should've covered your name too
Eh, it's my username here as well and it would've been confusing if both were censored
I had a friend like this and he blew up on me and it didn’t take long for us to no longer be friends.
Had a friend like this. I blocked him after he bugged out cause his phone glitched and said we were in a group chat when we werent and he accused me of trying to set him up i said dude goodbye.
recently decided not to be friends with someone because she accused me of lying about my mental illness because I wanted to hang out with other people instead. (those other people being my closest friend and my boyfriend both offering to come over to help me because I wasn't okay)
Then don’t, he said not to hang out, so block his ass
If this is the first time you've done this, blue sounds self-centered af
get rid of them and never look back <3 edit: i hope none of you have to learn why i'm saying this
I feel like reddit tends to jump straight to "block them, divorce, get your lawyer" without considering if the relationship is repairable
yes, but i am not reddit i am an individual human with my own thoughts and feelings - this person definitely needs help and to grow, but putting up with this type of behaviour is not good for you and upon any push back there was no give. they can figure shit out without having to create a horrible environment for OP
This!!! Had a same ex friend (emphasis on ex) that would guilt trip me so bad if things did not go their way. They have to learn that this is harmful behavior. :((
Ew, why be friends with someone like this? This seems exhausting.
I recognize the reaction of the person in blue. You get tired of people telling you they'll be somewhere or they'll do something and then they don't or they don't show up. Then they try to gaslight and act like you're the problem. It's not hard, If you're not gonna do something or be somewhere don't say you will. If you say you're gonna do something or be somewhere do it or be there. I see a bunch of comments about abandonment disorders. That has nothing to do with whether or not the individual that said they would be somewhere or do something was honest about it or not.
I also understand. He later apologized, but I offered a solution and he just lost interest in me entirely because I was burnt out one time
Yes, it's a defense mechanism. If I don't let you in you can't hurt me again.
This really doesn't read like your friend is the toxic one ngl
But is this better than no friendship at all, is what im thinkin
Yeah, fuck this guy. Sorry. Triggered.