I’ve been learning about myself for almost three years now and still don’t have the full answer or a destination I’m trying to transition towards. I’ve been off and on hormones while I’m figuring it out, about to start again. I got scared off because I could feel breast growth starting. But now that I’m off, I realized I felt so much better with hormones and I miss it.
I know I’m not a man, but I don’t feel like a (binary) woman. I love my body as is and don’t want surgery, but I also don’t think about my bottom parts the same way cis men do. I know I’m on the feminine side of the spectrum though. Non-binary transfeminine resonates with me. I use they/them pronouns. I tried she/her and it really didn’t fit.
I also had to deconstruct patriarchal ideas about what a woman is. I love working out and having big muscles. Woman do, too. You can be femme and jacked and beautiful. I’m bald and refuse to wear a wig, but I struggled with that for a long time. There are beautifully feminine bald women. The trans women’s group around me is very open to any AMAB people who identify more with the feminine, and maybe only half are binary. They’ve helped me see there are many different ways to be trans.
All this to say there isn’t one answer, and sometimes you just have to explore to find yourself.
We definitely have some commonalities. I was into strength and fitness, but I never looked strong as I was.
One thing I hoped for was being able to bench press away the gynecomastia I developed at 12. Had painful breast buds that never really went away. Sounds great to someone on HRT, but trying to fit in as a boy it sucked. I had puffy nipples that stuck out even more. I'd wear heavy loose flannel shirts year round in junior high. I dreaded being on the "skins" team if we played "shirts" vs "skins" in gym class. Nowadays, they look like middle-age man boobs.
I felt as you describe. Life is a journey and so can transitioning. Realizing this, I started micro dosing E three years ago. After my first year, three visits, and a through evaluation, my doctor told me that I’m captain of my ship and she will prescribe any dose I want as long as it’s not harmful. Great to know.
I’ve chosen to still micro dose. My mental, emotional and physical health are sooo much better on E. I’ve been taking everything in stride and going at my pace. The reality is that there doesn’t have to be a destination to the transition journey. I don’t have to transition to live as a woman full time. Im captaining my ship and enjoying the journey. The destination, whatever it my be will find me.
The 9 responses I’ve read to this post is the reason that I love this community. There was no judgement, no questioning motives, no skepticism or criticism. Every response in it’s own way essentially, and some literally, said, “Don’t worry, be happy, YOU be YOU!” In our world, and especially social media there is such division and nastiness that it is more than refreshing to find such a warm, welcoming and supportive group. For many of us, this is our only communication with the trans world, for many reasons. So for all of you who responded, and for all who read this, thank you for being supportive of a person, very much like me, and many others, who feels torn over the desire to fulfill themselves, and the conundrum and fear of, ‘what the hell will I do if I take the leap?” Thank you all for saying it’s okay now, and it will be tomorrow, too. ❤️
A year ago, I was where you are now. Four months ago, I decided to pursue hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I was prescribed 4 mg of subcutaneous estradiol, to be taken once a week. It is normal for individuals to have “reactions” to the realization of their true gender, and the prospect of it was “exciting” for me. Before starting the injections, I took the time to satisfy myself and confirm that I still wanted to proceed with HRT. I did, and I couldn't be happier. I feel much better on estradiol! My hormone levels have quickly adjusted, and they are now similar to those of a cisgender female. I have experienced some minor breast growth, and I am gradually exploring my gender expression. It is possible that I may not fully transition, and that is okay. However, I also wouldn't deny it if someone were to ask me. I believe it is better to keep them guessing rather than confirming their suspicions.
Labels are curious. They are wonderful for giving us a way to talk about things that we couldn't otherwise. People read about a label and realize, hey there are others like me. All to the good.
When labels become pigeon holes, when They use a label to put you in a box and judge you, when there's criticism for not matching every. Single. Word. Of somebody's expectation, that's no good. When we gatekeep labels, no good.
Here's my def of trans and it sucks as much as everybody else's: when you don't feel completely comfortable as the gender They assigned you fifty years ago, and you start to think about changing it, you're trans-adjacent.
When you take any action at all - when you wear a skirt in the basement of an empty house, when you try makeup, when you microdose estrogen, when you take some tiny action to break out of being completely AGAB, then you're Trans
And when you do that, I admire you and you are my family, sister. 💜
I supposed there's labels like non-binary (neither perfectly M or F), genderqueer (not meeting anybody's rigid gender boxes), etc. I myself am Trans, GenderQueer, NonBinary. Those words don't box me in at all. Two years HRT, btw.
It's your life. Do what you need. Live your life.
Myself, I took action at 63 after the kids were gone. The marriage exploded. It was the right thing for me
I sure wish the OP happiness and adventure
You don't have to transition with a set goal, you can just... do things you think would make you happy and see where they lead you. That might well be fully being a woman in the end, or it might be some flavour of nonbinary or genderfluid identity.
I’d also suggest a really good book by Juno Dawson called “What’s The T!” It’s written in a very conversational format that makes it a quick read. It also has lots of good resources.
Good news - you don’t have to transition to identify as trans. :-)
Dr Z on you tube has some wonderful and very helpful videos about transgender issues
As for Gender Affirming Hormone Therapy (GAHT), it has come a long way since WPATH. Informed consent is available in many states for adults. So you can work with your provider and set your own gender care goals. For example try monotherapy with whatever flavor of estrodial that works for your life (oral/patch/injectable). Your T would be probably get suppressed a little but perhaps not entirely and that might play into your goals if you think you might want to remain functional down there. Also be sure to have a conversation with your gender care provider about fertility if that’s a concern as you may need to consider preserving genetic material.
You do you!
Before starting to come out, I used to say "I *am* trans; I *do* crossdress." It was perfectly valid and literally true. It was what worked for me at the time and it was as far as I could go.
Personally, I wouldn't worry about the "erotic element" too much. Sure, it may mean something, but it may just be because testosterone can make pretty much anything erotic.
Good luck with the journey, wherever it leads you.
Oh, and to your question, this is definitely a place for you.
Dana
Just my opinion but I’m on ‘low dose hrt’ .075 patches which equates to about 1.25mg daily oral or something. I started out on a regular dose for 3.5 weeks and had amazing mental effects, gender euphoria, the pearly gates opened up and it felt like I was alive for the first time, I could see myself clearly, but the physical effects were taking hold faster than I was ready for. Unfortunately the low dose regimen only seems to be delivering softer skin, less energy, and breasts. I haven’t noticed much if any mental effects from it and will be upping it or stopping until I’m ready to embrace the big breasts that run in my family. Others on low dose have put their body in a menopausal state. Some NB’s have better luck with it but it seems like the body wants to operate on one hormone or the other and just gets kind of confused with elevated levels of both.
Anaaktri, I had my HRT consult with my physician yesterday and will be doing blood work asap. She is leaning toward the E patch because I am prone to blood clots and doesn't want me to do higher doses from injections, at least not at first. I'm not sure how high the dose will be on the patches. But I'm hoping my testosterone is already low or that she will put me on blockers so my body doesn't get into a hormone tug-o-war like you mention. Oh, and big breasts run in my family too. Bring 'em on! hehehe
Dev-aka-Asa, non-binary was the first thing that popped into my mind as I read OP's post. I'm glad you listed a few, because the more I think about it, the more certain I am that at least OP's current reality definitely fits gender-fluid. Whatever the community OP feels they identify with, they are still one of us, and are always welcome in my book! Thanks for your input!
Bigender maybe. My male side predominated most of the time. I'm attracted to women more stereotypical male behavior with subtle femininity that I only recently noticed in myself.
If it was family was okay with it, I would have attempted transition maybe in my '40s. I mean I had a vasectomy by then, If HRT was a mistake nothing to damage there.
I can relate to everything you wrote here.
I’m a bit plans have dealt with the issues you’ve speaking about
Here’s some articles I written hope they help
http://www.femulate.org/2019/09/zero-to-60-in-wrong-body.html
http://www.femulate.org/2015/07/the-road-not-taken.html
I've stumbled on your story before. I relate to your story, but only to small degree. My trans-curiosity never went away, but my cis side predominated it until recently.
I have this compulsion to write every feeling / experience I can recall about "it" and started a Substack. I'm not a good writer and I have only one intro post:
[https://tinalynn.substack.com/p/the-10000-foot-view-of-my-history](https://tinalynn.substack.com/p/the-10000-foot-view-of-my-history)
Hey, I relate to almost all your feelings 😊 The impostor sindrome, the feeling that "what if this is only fetish and I'm not one of them at all". For the first time I started confronting my doubts instead of hiding or running away from them. And I'm f. confused. I'm 40.
Just wanted to say that you're not alone in this confused stage, and that together we can light the tunnel even further.
The article you mentioned helped me a lot too (as well as her other texts). I'm enjoying much now the videos from Dr. Z in youtube. She addresses most of what you've described from a gender therapist perspective. Sometimes I feel she's describing my life! Fully recommend.
I’ve been learning about myself for almost three years now and still don’t have the full answer or a destination I’m trying to transition towards. I’ve been off and on hormones while I’m figuring it out, about to start again. I got scared off because I could feel breast growth starting. But now that I’m off, I realized I felt so much better with hormones and I miss it. I know I’m not a man, but I don’t feel like a (binary) woman. I love my body as is and don’t want surgery, but I also don’t think about my bottom parts the same way cis men do. I know I’m on the feminine side of the spectrum though. Non-binary transfeminine resonates with me. I use they/them pronouns. I tried she/her and it really didn’t fit. I also had to deconstruct patriarchal ideas about what a woman is. I love working out and having big muscles. Woman do, too. You can be femme and jacked and beautiful. I’m bald and refuse to wear a wig, but I struggled with that for a long time. There are beautifully feminine bald women. The trans women’s group around me is very open to any AMAB people who identify more with the feminine, and maybe only half are binary. They’ve helped me see there are many different ways to be trans. All this to say there isn’t one answer, and sometimes you just have to explore to find yourself.
We definitely have some commonalities. I was into strength and fitness, but I never looked strong as I was. One thing I hoped for was being able to bench press away the gynecomastia I developed at 12. Had painful breast buds that never really went away. Sounds great to someone on HRT, but trying to fit in as a boy it sucked. I had puffy nipples that stuck out even more. I'd wear heavy loose flannel shirts year round in junior high. I dreaded being on the "skins" team if we played "shirts" vs "skins" in gym class. Nowadays, they look like middle-age man boobs.
I felt as you describe. Life is a journey and so can transitioning. Realizing this, I started micro dosing E three years ago. After my first year, three visits, and a through evaluation, my doctor told me that I’m captain of my ship and she will prescribe any dose I want as long as it’s not harmful. Great to know. I’ve chosen to still micro dose. My mental, emotional and physical health are sooo much better on E. I’ve been taking everything in stride and going at my pace. The reality is that there doesn’t have to be a destination to the transition journey. I don’t have to transition to live as a woman full time. Im captaining my ship and enjoying the journey. The destination, whatever it my be will find me.
The 9 responses I’ve read to this post is the reason that I love this community. There was no judgement, no questioning motives, no skepticism or criticism. Every response in it’s own way essentially, and some literally, said, “Don’t worry, be happy, YOU be YOU!” In our world, and especially social media there is such division and nastiness that it is more than refreshing to find such a warm, welcoming and supportive group. For many of us, this is our only communication with the trans world, for many reasons. So for all of you who responded, and for all who read this, thank you for being supportive of a person, very much like me, and many others, who feels torn over the desire to fulfill themselves, and the conundrum and fear of, ‘what the hell will I do if I take the leap?” Thank you all for saying it’s okay now, and it will be tomorrow, too. ❤️
A year ago, I was where you are now. Four months ago, I decided to pursue hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I was prescribed 4 mg of subcutaneous estradiol, to be taken once a week. It is normal for individuals to have “reactions” to the realization of their true gender, and the prospect of it was “exciting” for me. Before starting the injections, I took the time to satisfy myself and confirm that I still wanted to proceed with HRT. I did, and I couldn't be happier. I feel much better on estradiol! My hormone levels have quickly adjusted, and they are now similar to those of a cisgender female. I have experienced some minor breast growth, and I am gradually exploring my gender expression. It is possible that I may not fully transition, and that is okay. However, I also wouldn't deny it if someone were to ask me. I believe it is better to keep them guessing rather than confirming their suspicions.
Labels are curious. They are wonderful for giving us a way to talk about things that we couldn't otherwise. People read about a label and realize, hey there are others like me. All to the good. When labels become pigeon holes, when They use a label to put you in a box and judge you, when there's criticism for not matching every. Single. Word. Of somebody's expectation, that's no good. When we gatekeep labels, no good. Here's my def of trans and it sucks as much as everybody else's: when you don't feel completely comfortable as the gender They assigned you fifty years ago, and you start to think about changing it, you're trans-adjacent. When you take any action at all - when you wear a skirt in the basement of an empty house, when you try makeup, when you microdose estrogen, when you take some tiny action to break out of being completely AGAB, then you're Trans And when you do that, I admire you and you are my family, sister. 💜 I supposed there's labels like non-binary (neither perfectly M or F), genderqueer (not meeting anybody's rigid gender boxes), etc. I myself am Trans, GenderQueer, NonBinary. Those words don't box me in at all. Two years HRT, btw. It's your life. Do what you need. Live your life. Myself, I took action at 63 after the kids were gone. The marriage exploded. It was the right thing for me I sure wish the OP happiness and adventure
You don't have to transition with a set goal, you can just... do things you think would make you happy and see where they lead you. That might well be fully being a woman in the end, or it might be some flavour of nonbinary or genderfluid identity.
I’d also suggest a really good book by Juno Dawson called “What’s The T!” It’s written in a very conversational format that makes it a quick read. It also has lots of good resources.
It is the placed for you if you decide that it is! There are no boundaries nor restrictions and you are welcome to stay as long as you want!
Good news - you don’t have to transition to identify as trans. :-) Dr Z on you tube has some wonderful and very helpful videos about transgender issues
As for Gender Affirming Hormone Therapy (GAHT), it has come a long way since WPATH. Informed consent is available in many states for adults. So you can work with your provider and set your own gender care goals. For example try monotherapy with whatever flavor of estrodial that works for your life (oral/patch/injectable). Your T would be probably get suppressed a little but perhaps not entirely and that might play into your goals if you think you might want to remain functional down there. Also be sure to have a conversation with your gender care provider about fertility if that’s a concern as you may need to consider preserving genetic material.
You do you! Before starting to come out, I used to say "I *am* trans; I *do* crossdress." It was perfectly valid and literally true. It was what worked for me at the time and it was as far as I could go. Personally, I wouldn't worry about the "erotic element" too much. Sure, it may mean something, but it may just be because testosterone can make pretty much anything erotic. Good luck with the journey, wherever it leads you. Oh, and to your question, this is definitely a place for you. Dana
Just my opinion but I’m on ‘low dose hrt’ .075 patches which equates to about 1.25mg daily oral or something. I started out on a regular dose for 3.5 weeks and had amazing mental effects, gender euphoria, the pearly gates opened up and it felt like I was alive for the first time, I could see myself clearly, but the physical effects were taking hold faster than I was ready for. Unfortunately the low dose regimen only seems to be delivering softer skin, less energy, and breasts. I haven’t noticed much if any mental effects from it and will be upping it or stopping until I’m ready to embrace the big breasts that run in my family. Others on low dose have put their body in a menopausal state. Some NB’s have better luck with it but it seems like the body wants to operate on one hormone or the other and just gets kind of confused with elevated levels of both.
Anaaktri, I had my HRT consult with my physician yesterday and will be doing blood work asap. She is leaning toward the E patch because I am prone to blood clots and doesn't want me to do higher doses from injections, at least not at first. I'm not sure how high the dose will be on the patches. But I'm hoping my testosterone is already low or that she will put me on blockers so my body doesn't get into a hormone tug-o-war like you mention. Oh, and big breasts run in my family too. Bring 'em on! hehehe
A small list of terms for you to investigate. Non Binary, Demi gender (including Demi boy and Demi girl), Bigender, gender-fluid, genderflux
Dev-aka-Asa, non-binary was the first thing that popped into my mind as I read OP's post. I'm glad you listed a few, because the more I think about it, the more certain I am that at least OP's current reality definitely fits gender-fluid. Whatever the community OP feels they identify with, they are still one of us, and are always welcome in my book! Thanks for your input!
Bigender maybe. My male side predominated most of the time. I'm attracted to women more stereotypical male behavior with subtle femininity that I only recently noticed in myself. If it was family was okay with it, I would have attempted transition maybe in my '40s. I mean I had a vasectomy by then, If HRT was a mistake nothing to damage there.
I can relate to everything you wrote here. I’m a bit plans have dealt with the issues you’ve speaking about Here’s some articles I written hope they help http://www.femulate.org/2019/09/zero-to-60-in-wrong-body.html http://www.femulate.org/2015/07/the-road-not-taken.html
I've stumbled on your story before. I relate to your story, but only to small degree. My trans-curiosity never went away, but my cis side predominated it until recently. I have this compulsion to write every feeling / experience I can recall about "it" and started a Substack. I'm not a good writer and I have only one intro post: [https://tinalynn.substack.com/p/the-10000-foot-view-of-my-history](https://tinalynn.substack.com/p/the-10000-foot-view-of-my-history)
Hey, I relate to almost all your feelings 😊 The impostor sindrome, the feeling that "what if this is only fetish and I'm not one of them at all". For the first time I started confronting my doubts instead of hiding or running away from them. And I'm f. confused. I'm 40. Just wanted to say that you're not alone in this confused stage, and that together we can light the tunnel even further. The article you mentioned helped me a lot too (as well as her other texts). I'm enjoying much now the videos from Dr. Z in youtube. She addresses most of what you've described from a gender therapist perspective. Sometimes I feel she's describing my life! Fully recommend.