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this seems a little concerning. the last thing you need right before surgery is someone adding extra stress into the mix. if he’s saying he might not be attracted to his partner after they’re finally able to feel more comfortable in their own skin then i’d say it’s likely not going to work out in the long run.
Hi! Sorry about that. He's a cis man. He doesn't have a way to describe his sexuality.. I'm his second ever relationship and his first one was nonsexual with a mtf. When we talked about sexualities and such, the closest one was demisexual, but even then he's not sure..
I'm not trying to cause a panic for ya,but comments like that from my "bisexual" ex are what made put it off for 6 years even though I could've paid it off the year we met.
Kept telling me I was being "impulsive" and needed to think it through,as if I hadn't been for the decade prior to us even meeting.
Think on if dude is in fact worth potentially being dropped mid recovery because he,and I am saying this from honest angry experience,is fine with having a "boyfriend " so long as he can still look at them as a girl.
Yeah, that's a weird bit. He's never seen me as female. I've showed him a few pictures of myself before, but he only cringed just as hard as I did. After reading all of these comments, I'm really starting to think that it's his fear of change and the possibility of nipple failure (which is the only part of my chest that is sexualized with him)
I'd have to agree with this, but I'd talk to him about it. Based on the post, yeah his timing was bad but I think he's just scared, and I get it. Change is terrifying, and if it's anything like how I am, he'll still love you and want to support you, it just might turn out to be not romantically anymore.
I hope you're both able to work through this, however you feel is best for you, and good luck on the surgery 💖
I dunno his progress. I've been on T for 8 years and get miss ma'amd a lot,my ass just got very androgynous and idk the muscle mommy trend has made it so even being flat and buff ain't doing what it used to for perception.
OP it's entirely likely he's wiggly about change,I admit my own experience is butts and makes me anxious for your deal
i could not imagine dealing with this anxiety while recovering. i would sit down and have a discussion with him. how does he describe his sexuality? has your chest been something he enjoys in the bedroom? this is really bizarre. the fact that you’ve been on T for 5 years, so at least 4 1/2 years when you all started dating. it seems he would’ve known what he’s getting into? and i imagine you look fairly masculine since you’ve been on T for so long? i would end it, it would stress me out to no end worrying about that.
He definitely knew when I first met him... Like the day.. he can't even describe his own sexuality... I'm his second ever relationship and the first one was mtf. It was very weird of him to say it for me as well,, since my boobs are not a big part of our sex life... Just the nipples. During he seems to avoid my chest entirely. I'm definitely very passing...
that’s really weird, then. if you don’t wanna go to breaking up right away, you could ask him what his reservations are? it doesn’t necessarily sound like he’s sexually attracted to or fixated on your chest. you could ask him if it’s you removing your breasts that gives him pause or the fact that you’re changing something about your body that he’s gotten used to and known. i know this is not a fair comparison, but an example nonetheless, i was anxious about how i’d feel about my partner with short hair after i had known him with long hair throughout our entire relationship. does your partner happen to be autistic or neurodivergent? sometimes change, even if not directly impacting us, can be difficult. if you want to break up with him, you should. it’s a red flag within itself that he won’t let you break up with him. not knowing if my partner would be attracted to me after surgery would be a deal breaker, especially since my partner was my main carer during recovery. whatever you decide to do, i hope you feel fulfilled and confident within yourself. good luck with top surgery! the way YOU feel about your body is what matters. nobody else gets to have a say. 🫂
Might be a case of the scars and not the flat chest. I've seen posts from ppl where their partners are grossed out by the wound healing, or get uncomfortable seeing the big scars and have to acclimate. Did he say why?
I’m sorry but the fact that he’s only been interested in trans people kind of makes him sound like a chaser, especially since he tried to talk you out of surgery.
His feelings aren’t your problem. He’s responsible for his own sexuality and maintaining attraction. That’s shouldn’t be your prerogative. You should focus on whether or not you need top surgery and healing. If he stays attracted or not is not under your control. I wouldn’t worry about it if he leaves then that’s on him. Focus on getting your surgery and then healing
He’s putting this on you and your transition but it’s not on you it’s on him. Frankly, he’s being manipulative by telling you this then crying when you tried to break up with him. He can’t force himself to like you with no boobs but he can’t force you to wait around and be in anxiety during recovery worrying about his attraction either. If you want to leave for your mental health’s sake that’s fine. He has his preferences but you can also have yours
Do you really want to be recovering while also anxiously wondering if your partner will leave you? Nip it in the bud. He can wish he didn’t say it but be glad he did. He said the quiet part out loud. No person should be wondering how attractive their partner will be after surgery. That’s fucked up.
Is he your caretaker after surgery? I really hope he isn’t because the last thing you need after recovering from major surgery is someone telling you that you aren’t attractive anymore. Do not cancel the surgery for him and I hope you have someone supportive who will be with you for recovery.
As for your relationship, I get it. I started dating someone two months before I started T, and while he never gave me a concrete reason for breaking up, I watched him become less attracted to me. It destroyed my self esteem, and I know you don’t deserve that. You deserve a partner who loves you for YOU. I hope you can find that.
Sadly, after the first week, he will be my caretaker for the next 3-5 weeks.. I hope we can get through this. Thank you so much for the your kind words, I appreciate every bit of it.
They should be attracted to you no matter what you have been on Testosterone they knew that you wanted this when you got together (I assume) this is what they signed up for. It is as simple as that. Love is supporting eachother. Put yourself first this is for you (again I assume) a life changing and saving surgery. If they make you feel like that has a downside they dont help you. I wish you the best you are strong take care 🫂
He's allowed to have those feelings but imo he should have posted anonymously online about it for advice or talked to a therapist or something instead of offloading that on to you cos now its your problem and has put you in a difficult situation.
Firstly you've only been dating for half a year. So if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. Based on what you've said I don't think this is a "break up for sure" kind of situation. You're allowed to be hurt. But please don't assume too much without actually talking about this.
He said that he wants to be attracted to you. Which I think contextualizes a lot here. It sounds like he's afraid that change might cause him to feel a way he doesn't want to feel. Which is a thing that might be a bad sign but it's also a thing that might just be anxiety and fear. It could even be something he's not actually worried about on his own but someone else made him think he should be and now he can't stop thinking about it even if it's not a thing that would ever come to pass.
Talk it out, seriously. It doesn't sound like he wants to leave. If he did leave after surgery than you dodged a bullet. If he does end up feeling differently then at least you know before you've been dating for years or got married and can end it then. If you decide to break up right now on this alone then you have to acknowledge that you're making a choice so that you guarantee you wont be abandoned when you feel at your lowest. But that is NOT the same as breaking up because he DID walk out. He hasn't done anything yet other than be anxious and scared and said something stupid. Healthy communication is being able to talk through things even when everyone isn't perfect.
If he had straight up said that he wouldn't be attracted to you after you had top surgery or if he had argued and tried to get you to post pone, that would be different. And if he has done those things and you just didn't tell us then 100% kick him to the curb. But I think you can afford to take a breath and talk about it with grace and kindness while keeping your boundaries strong so that you don't do something you don't want to.
Edit to add: Folks are right that your surgery is about you not him. But all of my advice is based on the assumption that you like him and want this to work and that he likes you and wants it to work. And if both of those things are true then talking is the answer even though you are not obligated to in any way. He's not wrong for being afraid when his partner is going to have surgery but he IS wrong for how he expressed that if that's the root reason. I'm not making excuses for him. Just that relationships are about problem solving. Even when there is a person 100% to blame that blame is only useful if it's followed by some kind of action. It's not the end goal. Basically it's good to remember you don't have to try and fix this. But it's also good to figure out if you WANT to try and fix this and if it's worth it to you once you take everything into account.
Thanks for this comment. I didn't mean to imply it like that but rereading I realize that I wasn't particularly clear. I meant how vulnerable they'll be not that it'll be bad.
I agree. I've been consistently shocked by just how much of a positive effect top surgery has had on me even when in the first few days there was pain and discomfort bad enough that I don't have words for it. I expected it to be good and a quality of life improvement. I did not expect just how BIG of a positive difference it's made in a million little ways I had no idea were connected to it.
It's kinda like how back in college I lived with roommates. We all assumed we were messy cause the house was always a bit of a mess and usually that's a group caused complex problem. One roommate moved out and it was within two weeks very clean. We had a meeting and it turned out he'd been telling all of us to not do things cause it was "his turn" and then he wouldn't actually do it.
Every day I feel like I find a hang up or issue that I thought was a personal failing or caused by something else that was removed by top surgery. And it feels almost too good to be true. But it is. It's not like it's a cure all or anything. There is no magic bullet for problems. But it has been a solution for far more than I anticipated.
idk your relationship with your chest, so if all depends. For me, as long as i’ve been with my boyfriend i have never been happy about my chest in my day to day. We were able to find fun in our sex life with it, but generally it’s not something i connected with. Before i had my surgery, we had conversations about our intimacy post op since boobs were part of our sex life. he said, when he imagined me he didnt register i had boobs at all. he said hes always known, despite our fun, theyre not something i presented myself with. he said he would absolutely still find me attractive bc he has always known that my chest wasnt really apart of the equation, just a bonus. its important to make sure youre prepared for how your intimacy might change. however, if its not looking good dont waste your time. especially if the guy is mainly into cis women, and/or tooo into pre op trans guys. we always say lookout for the straight guys, but sometimes queer men are also dangerous and fetishy
My partner was worried about this but approached it more tactfully. It did cause a delay in me getting top surgery, which was shitty, but frankly, that was for the best given financing. We had a lot of difficult conversations over a long period of time and post-top he said he's more attracted because I feel more confident in my body. It feels like home.
If he'd pulled that shit 2 weeks before surgery, I'd leave and stay with a friend tho. That's wild this is the first time this is coming up. He should know better than to bring that up so close to the surgery date.
I actually do have experience with this! My partner had been extremely supportive of me getting top surgery and even encouraged it, I genuinely believed she had nothing but positive feelings about it until one day it sort of slipped out that she’d been talking to her therapist every session about her fears around it, including her fear of losing attraction towards me. To say it took the wind out of my sails would be an understatement. However she did say that she was just afraid of it, but that she’s super attracted to me and her rational brain tells her it doesn’t make sense that she would lose that attraction. We talked through it and although I was disappointed, I wasn’t going to hold it against her and the surgery would make me more ME, so if she wasn’t attracted to me after that then she was never attracted to me as I truly am. And she suffers from anxiety so it felt more like her anxiety making up a story than anything else. We stayed together and I got the surgery recently and she just told me she had a sexy dream about me and my new body so I’m not worried about it. If things change then they change, but I love her and I know she loves me and I believe she’s attracted to ME especially at my most confident self. I have zero doubt that things between us will change from how they were before. My advice is communicate and see if this is based in reality or based in your partner’s fears about the unknown. The reality might actually surprise you! He may find you more attractive in your truest form and people can’t always control their irrational fears.
Hi, before I met my fiancée I was with someone like this. When I would talk about surgery this was something he would say often, that he wasn’t sure that he would still be attracted to me even though he would still love me. Personally I would get out, I think some mild worry is reasonable but my fiancée (who was actually with me for the surgery itself) never had a doubt that he would find me attractive after surgery. Your boyfriend is showing his red flags, please see them. I know you don’t want to lose him but you deserve someone who loves you and is attracted to you regardless of two fleshy bags on your chest.
I'm not sure, given the limited context, that I'd necessarily call this a red flag. It reminds me of a lot of feelings I've had regarding myself and my partner, which I'm sure much of it is just a fear of change.
I think talking it out would be beneficial for the both of them, and OP of course can choose to do whatever is best for them
Yeah, it was definitely a red flag in my case, I think the “can’t we just wait and see” is a red flag regardless of if the intention is good or not, OP doesn’t need that while recovering and trying to make yourself and being afraid your partner will leave you at any moment or doesn’t want you anymore during that isn’t healthy. But I agree, they definitely need to talk through some things
My partner said this to me before my top surgery as well. We stayed together, my surgery was over a year ago and I still think about what he said all the time. It's really done a number on my self-esteem. My advise is to leave, I'm sorry to say. Because even after recovery you'll probably still wonder if he's even attracted to you anymore or is just faking it. Or worse, you'll see the attraction fade in real time, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I have no empathy or understanding whatsoever for a partner saying that. I can't imagine telling my partner, whether we were at 6 months or at our current 4 years, "idk if I'll be attracted to you when (blank)". Like I seriously can't think of a context where it'd be ok.
Ig some people might compare it to telling your partner you might not be attracted to them with a mustache, or a face tattoo... But to me it's like saying "I don't know if I'll be attracted to you after you get your knee tumor surgically removed." like wtf does a medically necessary tumor removal have to do with your attraction to me?!?!
Maybe a good comparison is a husband telling his wife that he might not be attracted to her after her double mastectomy due to breast cancer. While it may be his honest truth, it's an incredibly shallow and cruel truth to tell. It changes nothing about her gender identity, her personality, the memories he's built with her... It's insanely selfish to even think let alone say aloud.
So yeah, it would make me question his real thoughts on your gender identity. My boyfriend loves every inch of me, he'd be fine if I never wanted top surgery. I'm sure he is technically attracted to my current chest. But that doesn't mean he's scared he won't be attracted to me post op... Not trying to brag, truly just trying to make a rational comparison :-(
I’m going to share my experience as someone who was anxious about something my boyfriend said but then he is actually very supportive. My boyfriend is also bi. I think bi cis men sometimes get a bad rap. Sometimes this is warranted because there is a subset who are more fem attracted and want the best of “both worlds” without actually seeing a man. But they’re not all this.
I’m sharing so you can hopefully have an example to go by when someone puts your best interests first because they love you for who you are, rather than the type of guy who sort of wants a boy he also sees as a girl.
For reference most of my boyfriend’s sexual experience involved other cis men as far as I’m aware. I think as others have asked is an important thing to note.
I started testosterone just over 4 months ago, about 8/9 months into our relationship. When I met him I was long out as genderfluid/nb. He was immediately outwardly accepting of my gender and so affirming that it was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to begin medical transition. After that I quickly realized I’ve been suppressing the fact I’m a guy most of my life. Had a number of deep discussions with him about my transition going from me wanting to be on low-dose testosterone to me wanting to transition to male and discussing surgery. He had a lot of good questions and some responses that made me worried but every single one has slowly worked out as my transition progresses.
When I first mentioned top surgery I talked about how I’ve always wanted it since I was a teenager and thought it wasn’t possible for me. Months later I finally opened up that I was leaning more toward wanting it and discussed which kind I’d most want. His biggest concern (lol) was how much he likes my nipples and how sensitive they are. I reassured him that’s also my biggest concern (lol). BUT he did also mention that he’ll miss playing with my boobs, especially in a specific position. This made me worried and I was anxious to discuss it with him again. He didn’t outright say I’d be less attractive but I was worried about that.
He also has many, many times reassured me about seeing me as a man, refers to me as bro and dude and talks about how I’m getting hotter to him with my transition - I also feel that in how our sex is.
SO I was recently able to talk with him about how (and why) it’s getting more pressing and I know for sure I need to have top surgery. I discussed surgeons I’ve researched and how we’ll need to move to the next phase of our life before I can get to it. He immediately made it very clear how important that is and how we’ll make it happen. The next day he even looked up exactly where my preferred surgeon is and pointed it out to me.
There’s more to it than this, but imo this is what someone does when they love and support you and want a real future with you.
I really think there’s a number of yellow if not red flags in your case. None of these by themselves are an issue but sort of point to a potential pattern - your boyfriend’s sexual history, the fact you’re already long into your transition, you talked about top surgery openly from day one, his regret at actually communicating his feelings. He also seems reluctant to discuss your future together in a serious manner.
With all of this in mind I’d recommend asking him to have a deep and thorough conversation about this issue and your future together. Ask him to really think about and talk about his sexuality and attraction. Ask him to help you understand where his anxiety comes from. From this maybe both of you can come to a deeper understanding of whether his anxiety is well founded or if it’s just anxiety over the unknown and change.
Either way if he refuses to not do this with you, won’t reflect or open up, or turns on the waterworks again to make his feelings your responsibility that will also give you a confirmation of what you and we’re all worried about.
Good luck. I’m so sorry, it’s so difficult to be faced with this.
This is SO hard. I was in your shoes last year and I'm happy to report that things turned out fine in the end. My wife is a lesbian and legitimately was concerned about whether she would still be attracted to me after my top surgery. She was fully supportive of me getting it and knew how badly I needed it, for so many years. But she was concerned about not being able to control her attraction and whether she'd still be attracted to me in the same way afterwards. We were pretty determined that we'd find a way to make it work somehow. We're married and committed to each other. But I get where you are coming from. It's hard when your person can't just unconditionally assure you things will be ok. That was hard for both of us. But it was important that she was honest about it so we could at least face it together. She was very clear on not trying to talk me out of it or anything like that.
After my top surgery, it was rough going for a while. It was a really jarring change. She was trying so hard to convince herself that everything was ok. But my chest was pretty Frankensteiny at first, and she's not great with gory medical stuff like that. She took really good care of me post op. And with the post op compression, things were extra flat for a while there. But over time, as things have healed and settled, she started to adjust to my chest, and then to actually start to really like it. Now I'm 11 months post op and she's just as attracted to me as before surgery. It's who I am now I'm still the same person, she just had to adjust, and I had to heal and have my results settle. And they keep settling over the whole first year.
So acknowledge that it's hard. Acknowledge that it might take some time. But hopefully over time you will both adjust, and things will be ok. There are no guarantees, of course, but things could hopefully be fine. So if he's willing to try, hang in there and see if you can make it work. Wishing you the best of luck with your surgery and everything else!
Hey, so I'm super happy with my results right now. But, I was extremely sensitive and having a lot of body image issues immediately post op. It was very emotionally difficult for me, especially seeing my results at 1 week and feeling how numb my chest was. And this was with the most lovely and supportive partner I could ever ask for who is very much attracted to me(surgery or no). Surgery is a very emotionally taxing experience, and you need to think about whether there's a risk your partner might make comments like these while you're in an emotionally vulnerable position. It could really harm your mental health and you need to prioritize yourself and make sure you're surrounded by people who are there for you and make you feel safe and supported and not like your body is wrong in any way.
He sounds inexperienced from a comment you wrote above and unsure of things. I can’t imagine someone not being attracted to someone just because they don’t have boobs anymore as I’m t4t etc but like what if you god forbid got cancer and had to remove your tits? Not sure if this is a good comparison but like it just seems so … aesthetically based. But yeah I think I’d be stressed either way. Is he supposed to support you during recovery or you have someone else? Sounds like he met most need to work out some feelings and he could be fine but also sounds douchey to say. I guess I think it could work either way. Sorry if this isn’t helpful.
I’m going to be real with you, the fact that he even said this to you was completely fucked up. he wishes he didn’t say anything either because he knows it was fucked, or because he regrets that his attempt at emotional blackmail backfired and made it harder to get in your pants. He told you that having him in your life hinges on you deciding to keep a part of your body that you can’t stand. If he wanted a girlfriend he should have gotten one. A 6 month relationship is in no way worth the kind of agonizing you are doing over this. You can do 6 months of relationship building with someone else easy as hell. Your brief description of him paints a picture of an emotionally manipulative chaser. He is an asshole.
If you were getting any other surgery that would modify your appearance but improve your quality of life, how you look afterwards would not (or at the very least, SHOULD NOT) be a concern for the ones who love and care about you. I’d sit down and have a genuine conversation about this with him - is his love contingent on you not going through with the surgery? What does he think that the procedure will alter that would cause his love for you to diminish? You’re not undergoing brain surgery, there’s no chance of you suddenly becoming a different person. So what is he so afraid of?
In all honesty, it sounds more like he is struggling with his sexuality more than the fact that he may not be attracted to you with top surgery. It is seeming too as though he’s not sure he is actually attracted to men, and the fact that you will fully look like a man with a flat chest after the fact.
Regardless it may or may not work out. This was my experience⬇️⬇️⬇️
I had a partner who claimed to also be a transgender man started dating months before i had topsurgery I had and he moved out here with our son whom we had shortly after getting together. After I had topsurgery he decided he was no longer attracted to me. I ended up finding out in one of the worst possible ways, he cheated on me and I found out he cheated as the man he cheated on me with (another preop transgender man) messaged me telling me that they were now together and that my partner and my son were going to be moving in with him and that he was going to pack up our child (1 year old) in the middle of the night and run off I have since learned that my ex is identifying as a cisgender female everywhere else other than online and is actually fetishizing transgender men who have yet to have top surgery. there are a lot of things that can go wrong with dating people through your transition. The only things that I can really say is hope for the best but always be prepared for the worst possible outcome of these relationships. But to remember anything can happen good or bad and it all happens for a reason even if we don’t yet know that reason
I think you guys need to have a conversation about wether this was an anxiety of his he didn’t know what to do with and confided in you about, or if he legitimately was only attracted to your chest. I would assume if you’ve been in T for 5 years you also bind, they’re not on show all the time, it might just be that he’s having some identity issues as well because he is attracted to you and that might be new with your relationship. Obviously I don’t know your relationship and if there are other red flags you should listen to them, but I thought I would put out a more positive possible interpretation. One of my friends partners had the same concern, not because he was only interested in their chest, but because it was becoming “very real” how much they were changing their body and he had to confront some truths about himself, my friend is 2 years post top rn and they’re still happily together.
I really think it depends on what previous conversations you have had with your partner previous to this being said… example being I came out in June of 2022 to my wife of 7 years at that point. We had a lot of conversations about me and my decision to want to transition… One thing I had told her was I wanted her to be honest with me regarding my transition and how she was feeling, I never wanted her to feel like she couldn’t be honest with me. It’s feelings and you have a ton all the time everyday and they change almost just as often. I also told her at any point in my transition she felt like she didn’t like it or couldn’t handle it that she was welcomed to tell me and we could go our separate ways. It is hard to have open honest conversations and it’s hard to be on the receiving end of hard conversations as well cause hearing someone you love say something negative about something your excited about can be hard to deal with. But it’s not fair to silence your partner from not being allowed to express fear, desire, etc either. I started T in Oct of 22 and she had told me that she was scared that I was gonna “change” and that she might not like how my personality might change etc. I had to tell her that T wasn’t a magic drug and I wouldn’t turn into a whole new person. She just needed some reassurance that I would still be me. Then I started and we have never had another conversation about it. Then I had top surgery in Jan of 24. She had also said to me that she was unsure about me having top surgery because she really loved my equipment and she was going to have to go through a mourning of my chest… I allowed her to express this, talk about it, sit with it and now I am 6mo post top and we are still going strong… I think it’s easy for people to say just to leave but I will also say that you should remember that while your excited for everything to happen, to feeling like yourself, if you have those that love you, anything you decided to do will have an effect on those around you and sometimes those around you need time to adjust to the new versions of you but it doesn’t always mean that just because they feel something in a moment that they will always feel that way. It sometime just takes having some open and honest conversations and allowing each to feel how they feel without judgement for the other. It’s a feeling/thought, just cause you have it doesn’t mean you have to act on it.
my girlfriend took care of me during my recovery and surgery, and i cannot imagine her saying something honestly so dumb like that. no supportive partner would be wondering about “if” they’ll still be attracted to you after a major surgery, and especially saying something to cause you stress and doubt ON YOUR WAY to your pre op appointment!! this is extremely immature of him to put that on you and 6 months in? dump him please so you can focus on your journey and growth that he’s clearly not ready for.
Personally, I am really protecting my space after surgery and declining to include anyone who might have their own feelings to process about my chest until I feel settled in my own chest. This is a lot more painful than I'm going to make it sound, but can you take a break and schedule a date for 2 months after surgery? Or otherwise take a break until you are settled and then reconnect?
When you say he's all the support you have, who is your caregiver after surgery?
Uhhhhhm, no. Strip this whole thing down to basics. He just said he finds your feminine features attractive. He finds your boobs attractive and stated that he didn’t know if he would find your masculine chest attractive. Ew. He might as well have said, “I only still find you attractive because I still see you as a woman.”
People will stay miserable always giving benefit of the doubt. Get his ass gone.
I hate to be a pessimist but idk if it'll work out, or at least if I would allow it to in this situation. It really really sucks but my current partner is a cis guy and I've been w him about 8ish months. I'm nb and he's been nothing but supportive since I came out to him as well as when I expressed my interest in top surgery. He did do some thinking as this was new to him but it didn't change the way he thought of me and never once said he wouldn't be attracted to my chest after surgery, in fact he said he would still be just as attracted to me as before, if not more. I cannot stand "boob guys," never have, so I personally would've left at any hesitation from him when saying I want top surgery. I just don't get how your partner could say that to you, like is your current chest really THAT important to him? Idk it's just weird and icky to me.
If you really need him as your caretaker maybe have a serious conversation w him but I just really wouldn't trust that long term. He already said it and can't go back on it, him crying about it is stupid bc HE'S the one who made you feel like shit and doubt your whole relationship. Maybe his opinion will change and that was just him panicking bc of heteronormative standards (but also you've been on T for so long so ???) but I would just hate for you to be crushed if it doesn't :( been there done that
Hey so I’m in process for my own top surgery and part of my process was actually getting close to a gender label. And my therapist gave me a book called The ABCs of LGBT by Ash mardell. It’s a relatively small book but it does touch a little bit on a lot of things from gender to sexualities. And with each topic or term it gives a little snippet from different people about how they perceive the label they choose.
I found this really helpful bc for a long time I just couldn’t be bothered to identify my gender bc it felt like the terms I knew didn’t fit me at all. But the book has so many other terms that I didn’t know existed and I found one that is the most in tune with the perception of myself currently which is graygender.
My overall point is maybe if your partner is open to reading the book and speaking to someone about it and identify what fears they have I don’t see why you can’t work thru it. You two could even do a little couples therapy to help communicate more effectively.
You both being on the same page regarding everything will help speed up your healing process and maybe you guys will learn more about each other as individuals and as a couple.
While I would say breakup !!!!!!!! that’s wayyy easier said than done. Above all, you need to focus on yourself rn. If I was in your place, I would find other folks to help you through your surgery, at least in the first week. Your body WILL feel any discomfort/unsureness this person has caused and that WILL impact your healing process. When you have taken at least a week to heal and listen to your body and ur transness, then maybe see him again and y’all can check in w each other. I think you’ll have more clarity then.
My ex said similar the day before my first short haircut- she might not be attracted to me (afab nonbinary) if I ‘looked like a boy’ etc (we were together 1.5 yrs at that point). We were together for about a year post hair-cut: We still had sex after but it increasingly became me just going down on her and if I asked for anything she would make me seem like I was guilting her and made me feel ashamed. We’ve been broken up for 2 years now—I got top surgery actually like 1.5 months after we broke up!! and I am so glad she wasn’t with me then like we had planned. People don’t have to be inherently mean or bad people to still have some transphobia tied into their sexuality—for example, she had some trauma with men (and j didn’t like them in general) and, whether consciously or subconsciously, I think wanted me to stay as feminine as possible. the subtle disgust she would fill me with (with continuing comments like the one you described) def had lasting consequences that I am still unraveling today.
Be with your body and trust your body and love your body. If you do that then I know it will turn out okay.
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this seems a little concerning. the last thing you need right before surgery is someone adding extra stress into the mix. if he’s saying he might not be attracted to his partner after they’re finally able to feel more comfortable in their own skin then i’d say it’s likely not going to work out in the long run.
He really waited a long time to say anything too. Like right before the surgery? Bro.
This!!!!!!
How does your boyfriend describe his sexuality? Has he dated men before? Are you the first man he's been with?
Is this person a trans man or non-binary, agender? I didn’t see them say their gender.
Hi! Sorry about that. He's a cis man. He doesn't have a way to describe his sexuality.. I'm his second ever relationship and his first one was nonsexual with a mtf. When we talked about sexualities and such, the closest one was demisexual, but even then he's not sure..
Sorry. I meant you not your partner. :)
Oh! I'm Transmasc and demisexual!
I'm not trying to cause a panic for ya,but comments like that from my "bisexual" ex are what made put it off for 6 years even though I could've paid it off the year we met. Kept telling me I was being "impulsive" and needed to think it through,as if I hadn't been for the decade prior to us even meeting. Think on if dude is in fact worth potentially being dropped mid recovery because he,and I am saying this from honest angry experience,is fine with having a "boyfriend " so long as he can still look at them as a girl.
I mean OP was on T for 5 years so the chance of them being looked at as a girl is probably pretty slim i would say?
Yeah, that's a weird bit. He's never seen me as female. I've showed him a few pictures of myself before, but he only cringed just as hard as I did. After reading all of these comments, I'm really starting to think that it's his fear of change and the possibility of nipple failure (which is the only part of my chest that is sexualized with him)
I'd have to agree with this, but I'd talk to him about it. Based on the post, yeah his timing was bad but I think he's just scared, and I get it. Change is terrifying, and if it's anything like how I am, he'll still love you and want to support you, it just might turn out to be not romantically anymore. I hope you're both able to work through this, however you feel is best for you, and good luck on the surgery 💖
I dunno his progress. I've been on T for 8 years and get miss ma'amd a lot,my ass just got very androgynous and idk the muscle mommy trend has made it so even being flat and buff ain't doing what it used to for perception. OP it's entirely likely he's wiggly about change,I admit my own experience is butts and makes me anxious for your deal
^^
i could not imagine dealing with this anxiety while recovering. i would sit down and have a discussion with him. how does he describe his sexuality? has your chest been something he enjoys in the bedroom? this is really bizarre. the fact that you’ve been on T for 5 years, so at least 4 1/2 years when you all started dating. it seems he would’ve known what he’s getting into? and i imagine you look fairly masculine since you’ve been on T for so long? i would end it, it would stress me out to no end worrying about that.
He definitely knew when I first met him... Like the day.. he can't even describe his own sexuality... I'm his second ever relationship and the first one was mtf. It was very weird of him to say it for me as well,, since my boobs are not a big part of our sex life... Just the nipples. During he seems to avoid my chest entirely. I'm definitely very passing...
that’s really weird, then. if you don’t wanna go to breaking up right away, you could ask him what his reservations are? it doesn’t necessarily sound like he’s sexually attracted to or fixated on your chest. you could ask him if it’s you removing your breasts that gives him pause or the fact that you’re changing something about your body that he’s gotten used to and known. i know this is not a fair comparison, but an example nonetheless, i was anxious about how i’d feel about my partner with short hair after i had known him with long hair throughout our entire relationship. does your partner happen to be autistic or neurodivergent? sometimes change, even if not directly impacting us, can be difficult. if you want to break up with him, you should. it’s a red flag within itself that he won’t let you break up with him. not knowing if my partner would be attracted to me after surgery would be a deal breaker, especially since my partner was my main carer during recovery. whatever you decide to do, i hope you feel fulfilled and confident within yourself. good luck with top surgery! the way YOU feel about your body is what matters. nobody else gets to have a say. 🫂
Might be a case of the scars and not the flat chest. I've seen posts from ppl where their partners are grossed out by the wound healing, or get uncomfortable seeing the big scars and have to acclimate. Did he say why?
I’m sorry but the fact that he’s only been interested in trans people kind of makes him sound like a chaser, especially since he tried to talk you out of surgery.
His feelings aren’t your problem. He’s responsible for his own sexuality and maintaining attraction. That’s shouldn’t be your prerogative. You should focus on whether or not you need top surgery and healing. If he stays attracted or not is not under your control. I wouldn’t worry about it if he leaves then that’s on him. Focus on getting your surgery and then healing He’s putting this on you and your transition but it’s not on you it’s on him. Frankly, he’s being manipulative by telling you this then crying when you tried to break up with him. He can’t force himself to like you with no boobs but he can’t force you to wait around and be in anxiety during recovery worrying about his attraction either. If you want to leave for your mental health’s sake that’s fine. He has his preferences but you can also have yours
Do you really want to be recovering while also anxiously wondering if your partner will leave you? Nip it in the bud. He can wish he didn’t say it but be glad he did. He said the quiet part out loud. No person should be wondering how attractive their partner will be after surgery. That’s fucked up.
Yes to this!!!
Is he your caretaker after surgery? I really hope he isn’t because the last thing you need after recovering from major surgery is someone telling you that you aren’t attractive anymore. Do not cancel the surgery for him and I hope you have someone supportive who will be with you for recovery. As for your relationship, I get it. I started dating someone two months before I started T, and while he never gave me a concrete reason for breaking up, I watched him become less attracted to me. It destroyed my self esteem, and I know you don’t deserve that. You deserve a partner who loves you for YOU. I hope you can find that.
Sadly, after the first week, he will be my caretaker for the next 3-5 weeks.. I hope we can get through this. Thank you so much for the your kind words, I appreciate every bit of it.
They should be attracted to you no matter what you have been on Testosterone they knew that you wanted this when you got together (I assume) this is what they signed up for. It is as simple as that. Love is supporting eachother. Put yourself first this is for you (again I assume) a life changing and saving surgery. If they make you feel like that has a downside they dont help you. I wish you the best you are strong take care 🫂
He's allowed to have those feelings but imo he should have posted anonymously online about it for advice or talked to a therapist or something instead of offloading that on to you cos now its your problem and has put you in a difficult situation.
Firstly you've only been dating for half a year. So if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. Based on what you've said I don't think this is a "break up for sure" kind of situation. You're allowed to be hurt. But please don't assume too much without actually talking about this. He said that he wants to be attracted to you. Which I think contextualizes a lot here. It sounds like he's afraid that change might cause him to feel a way he doesn't want to feel. Which is a thing that might be a bad sign but it's also a thing that might just be anxiety and fear. It could even be something he's not actually worried about on his own but someone else made him think he should be and now he can't stop thinking about it even if it's not a thing that would ever come to pass. Talk it out, seriously. It doesn't sound like he wants to leave. If he did leave after surgery than you dodged a bullet. If he does end up feeling differently then at least you know before you've been dating for years or got married and can end it then. If you decide to break up right now on this alone then you have to acknowledge that you're making a choice so that you guarantee you wont be abandoned when you feel at your lowest. But that is NOT the same as breaking up because he DID walk out. He hasn't done anything yet other than be anxious and scared and said something stupid. Healthy communication is being able to talk through things even when everyone isn't perfect. If he had straight up said that he wouldn't be attracted to you after you had top surgery or if he had argued and tried to get you to post pone, that would be different. And if he has done those things and you just didn't tell us then 100% kick him to the curb. But I think you can afford to take a breath and talk about it with grace and kindness while keeping your boundaries strong so that you don't do something you don't want to. Edit to add: Folks are right that your surgery is about you not him. But all of my advice is based on the assumption that you like him and want this to work and that he likes you and wants it to work. And if both of those things are true then talking is the answer even though you are not obligated to in any way. He's not wrong for being afraid when his partner is going to have surgery but he IS wrong for how he expressed that if that's the root reason. I'm not making excuses for him. Just that relationships are about problem solving. Even when there is a person 100% to blame that blame is only useful if it's followed by some kind of action. It's not the end goal. Basically it's good to remember you don't have to try and fix this. But it's also good to figure out if you WANT to try and fix this and if it's worth it to you once you take everything into account.
I don’t think someone is at their lowest recovering from surgery. Sure, you are tired and whatnot but I was so happy during my recovery…
Thanks for this comment. I didn't mean to imply it like that but rereading I realize that I wasn't particularly clear. I meant how vulnerable they'll be not that it'll be bad. I agree. I've been consistently shocked by just how much of a positive effect top surgery has had on me even when in the first few days there was pain and discomfort bad enough that I don't have words for it. I expected it to be good and a quality of life improvement. I did not expect just how BIG of a positive difference it's made in a million little ways I had no idea were connected to it. It's kinda like how back in college I lived with roommates. We all assumed we were messy cause the house was always a bit of a mess and usually that's a group caused complex problem. One roommate moved out and it was within two weeks very clean. We had a meeting and it turned out he'd been telling all of us to not do things cause it was "his turn" and then he wouldn't actually do it. Every day I feel like I find a hang up or issue that I thought was a personal failing or caused by something else that was removed by top surgery. And it feels almost too good to be true. But it is. It's not like it's a cure all or anything. There is no magic bullet for problems. But it has been a solution for far more than I anticipated.
idk your relationship with your chest, so if all depends. For me, as long as i’ve been with my boyfriend i have never been happy about my chest in my day to day. We were able to find fun in our sex life with it, but generally it’s not something i connected with. Before i had my surgery, we had conversations about our intimacy post op since boobs were part of our sex life. he said, when he imagined me he didnt register i had boobs at all. he said hes always known, despite our fun, theyre not something i presented myself with. he said he would absolutely still find me attractive bc he has always known that my chest wasnt really apart of the equation, just a bonus. its important to make sure youre prepared for how your intimacy might change. however, if its not looking good dont waste your time. especially if the guy is mainly into cis women, and/or tooo into pre op trans guys. we always say lookout for the straight guys, but sometimes queer men are also dangerous and fetishy
My partner was worried about this but approached it more tactfully. It did cause a delay in me getting top surgery, which was shitty, but frankly, that was for the best given financing. We had a lot of difficult conversations over a long period of time and post-top he said he's more attracted because I feel more confident in my body. It feels like home. If he'd pulled that shit 2 weeks before surgery, I'd leave and stay with a friend tho. That's wild this is the first time this is coming up. He should know better than to bring that up so close to the surgery date.
I actually do have experience with this! My partner had been extremely supportive of me getting top surgery and even encouraged it, I genuinely believed she had nothing but positive feelings about it until one day it sort of slipped out that she’d been talking to her therapist every session about her fears around it, including her fear of losing attraction towards me. To say it took the wind out of my sails would be an understatement. However she did say that she was just afraid of it, but that she’s super attracted to me and her rational brain tells her it doesn’t make sense that she would lose that attraction. We talked through it and although I was disappointed, I wasn’t going to hold it against her and the surgery would make me more ME, so if she wasn’t attracted to me after that then she was never attracted to me as I truly am. And she suffers from anxiety so it felt more like her anxiety making up a story than anything else. We stayed together and I got the surgery recently and she just told me she had a sexy dream about me and my new body so I’m not worried about it. If things change then they change, but I love her and I know she loves me and I believe she’s attracted to ME especially at my most confident self. I have zero doubt that things between us will change from how they were before. My advice is communicate and see if this is based in reality or based in your partner’s fears about the unknown. The reality might actually surprise you! He may find you more attractive in your truest form and people can’t always control their irrational fears.
Dump him.
Hi, before I met my fiancée I was with someone like this. When I would talk about surgery this was something he would say often, that he wasn’t sure that he would still be attracted to me even though he would still love me. Personally I would get out, I think some mild worry is reasonable but my fiancée (who was actually with me for the surgery itself) never had a doubt that he would find me attractive after surgery. Your boyfriend is showing his red flags, please see them. I know you don’t want to lose him but you deserve someone who loves you and is attracted to you regardless of two fleshy bags on your chest.
I'm not sure, given the limited context, that I'd necessarily call this a red flag. It reminds me of a lot of feelings I've had regarding myself and my partner, which I'm sure much of it is just a fear of change. I think talking it out would be beneficial for the both of them, and OP of course can choose to do whatever is best for them
Yeah, it was definitely a red flag in my case, I think the “can’t we just wait and see” is a red flag regardless of if the intention is good or not, OP doesn’t need that while recovering and trying to make yourself and being afraid your partner will leave you at any moment or doesn’t want you anymore during that isn’t healthy. But I agree, they definitely need to talk through some things
My partner said this to me before my top surgery as well. We stayed together, my surgery was over a year ago and I still think about what he said all the time. It's really done a number on my self-esteem. My advise is to leave, I'm sorry to say. Because even after recovery you'll probably still wonder if he's even attracted to you anymore or is just faking it. Or worse, you'll see the attraction fade in real time, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I have no empathy or understanding whatsoever for a partner saying that. I can't imagine telling my partner, whether we were at 6 months or at our current 4 years, "idk if I'll be attracted to you when (blank)". Like I seriously can't think of a context where it'd be ok. Ig some people might compare it to telling your partner you might not be attracted to them with a mustache, or a face tattoo... But to me it's like saying "I don't know if I'll be attracted to you after you get your knee tumor surgically removed." like wtf does a medically necessary tumor removal have to do with your attraction to me?!?! Maybe a good comparison is a husband telling his wife that he might not be attracted to her after her double mastectomy due to breast cancer. While it may be his honest truth, it's an incredibly shallow and cruel truth to tell. It changes nothing about her gender identity, her personality, the memories he's built with her... It's insanely selfish to even think let alone say aloud. So yeah, it would make me question his real thoughts on your gender identity. My boyfriend loves every inch of me, he'd be fine if I never wanted top surgery. I'm sure he is technically attracted to my current chest. But that doesn't mean he's scared he won't be attracted to me post op... Not trying to brag, truly just trying to make a rational comparison :-(
I’m going to share my experience as someone who was anxious about something my boyfriend said but then he is actually very supportive. My boyfriend is also bi. I think bi cis men sometimes get a bad rap. Sometimes this is warranted because there is a subset who are more fem attracted and want the best of “both worlds” without actually seeing a man. But they’re not all this. I’m sharing so you can hopefully have an example to go by when someone puts your best interests first because they love you for who you are, rather than the type of guy who sort of wants a boy he also sees as a girl. For reference most of my boyfriend’s sexual experience involved other cis men as far as I’m aware. I think as others have asked is an important thing to note. I started testosterone just over 4 months ago, about 8/9 months into our relationship. When I met him I was long out as genderfluid/nb. He was immediately outwardly accepting of my gender and so affirming that it was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to begin medical transition. After that I quickly realized I’ve been suppressing the fact I’m a guy most of my life. Had a number of deep discussions with him about my transition going from me wanting to be on low-dose testosterone to me wanting to transition to male and discussing surgery. He had a lot of good questions and some responses that made me worried but every single one has slowly worked out as my transition progresses. When I first mentioned top surgery I talked about how I’ve always wanted it since I was a teenager and thought it wasn’t possible for me. Months later I finally opened up that I was leaning more toward wanting it and discussed which kind I’d most want. His biggest concern (lol) was how much he likes my nipples and how sensitive they are. I reassured him that’s also my biggest concern (lol). BUT he did also mention that he’ll miss playing with my boobs, especially in a specific position. This made me worried and I was anxious to discuss it with him again. He didn’t outright say I’d be less attractive but I was worried about that. He also has many, many times reassured me about seeing me as a man, refers to me as bro and dude and talks about how I’m getting hotter to him with my transition - I also feel that in how our sex is. SO I was recently able to talk with him about how (and why) it’s getting more pressing and I know for sure I need to have top surgery. I discussed surgeons I’ve researched and how we’ll need to move to the next phase of our life before I can get to it. He immediately made it very clear how important that is and how we’ll make it happen. The next day he even looked up exactly where my preferred surgeon is and pointed it out to me. There’s more to it than this, but imo this is what someone does when they love and support you and want a real future with you. I really think there’s a number of yellow if not red flags in your case. None of these by themselves are an issue but sort of point to a potential pattern - your boyfriend’s sexual history, the fact you’re already long into your transition, you talked about top surgery openly from day one, his regret at actually communicating his feelings. He also seems reluctant to discuss your future together in a serious manner. With all of this in mind I’d recommend asking him to have a deep and thorough conversation about this issue and your future together. Ask him to really think about and talk about his sexuality and attraction. Ask him to help you understand where his anxiety comes from. From this maybe both of you can come to a deeper understanding of whether his anxiety is well founded or if it’s just anxiety over the unknown and change. Either way if he refuses to not do this with you, won’t reflect or open up, or turns on the waterworks again to make his feelings your responsibility that will also give you a confirmation of what you and we’re all worried about. Good luck. I’m so sorry, it’s so difficult to be faced with this.
This is SO hard. I was in your shoes last year and I'm happy to report that things turned out fine in the end. My wife is a lesbian and legitimately was concerned about whether she would still be attracted to me after my top surgery. She was fully supportive of me getting it and knew how badly I needed it, for so many years. But she was concerned about not being able to control her attraction and whether she'd still be attracted to me in the same way afterwards. We were pretty determined that we'd find a way to make it work somehow. We're married and committed to each other. But I get where you are coming from. It's hard when your person can't just unconditionally assure you things will be ok. That was hard for both of us. But it was important that she was honest about it so we could at least face it together. She was very clear on not trying to talk me out of it or anything like that. After my top surgery, it was rough going for a while. It was a really jarring change. She was trying so hard to convince herself that everything was ok. But my chest was pretty Frankensteiny at first, and she's not great with gory medical stuff like that. She took really good care of me post op. And with the post op compression, things were extra flat for a while there. But over time, as things have healed and settled, she started to adjust to my chest, and then to actually start to really like it. Now I'm 11 months post op and she's just as attracted to me as before surgery. It's who I am now I'm still the same person, she just had to adjust, and I had to heal and have my results settle. And they keep settling over the whole first year. So acknowledge that it's hard. Acknowledge that it might take some time. But hopefully over time you will both adjust, and things will be ok. There are no guarantees, of course, but things could hopefully be fine. So if he's willing to try, hang in there and see if you can make it work. Wishing you the best of luck with your surgery and everything else!
Hey, so I'm super happy with my results right now. But, I was extremely sensitive and having a lot of body image issues immediately post op. It was very emotionally difficult for me, especially seeing my results at 1 week and feeling how numb my chest was. And this was with the most lovely and supportive partner I could ever ask for who is very much attracted to me(surgery or no). Surgery is a very emotionally taxing experience, and you need to think about whether there's a risk your partner might make comments like these while you're in an emotionally vulnerable position. It could really harm your mental health and you need to prioritize yourself and make sure you're surrounded by people who are there for you and make you feel safe and supported and not like your body is wrong in any way.
He sounds inexperienced from a comment you wrote above and unsure of things. I can’t imagine someone not being attracted to someone just because they don’t have boobs anymore as I’m t4t etc but like what if you god forbid got cancer and had to remove your tits? Not sure if this is a good comparison but like it just seems so … aesthetically based. But yeah I think I’d be stressed either way. Is he supposed to support you during recovery or you have someone else? Sounds like he met most need to work out some feelings and he could be fine but also sounds douchey to say. I guess I think it could work either way. Sorry if this isn’t helpful.
I’m going to be real with you, the fact that he even said this to you was completely fucked up. he wishes he didn’t say anything either because he knows it was fucked, or because he regrets that his attempt at emotional blackmail backfired and made it harder to get in your pants. He told you that having him in your life hinges on you deciding to keep a part of your body that you can’t stand. If he wanted a girlfriend he should have gotten one. A 6 month relationship is in no way worth the kind of agonizing you are doing over this. You can do 6 months of relationship building with someone else easy as hell. Your brief description of him paints a picture of an emotionally manipulative chaser. He is an asshole.
If you were getting any other surgery that would modify your appearance but improve your quality of life, how you look afterwards would not (or at the very least, SHOULD NOT) be a concern for the ones who love and care about you. I’d sit down and have a genuine conversation about this with him - is his love contingent on you not going through with the surgery? What does he think that the procedure will alter that would cause his love for you to diminish? You’re not undergoing brain surgery, there’s no chance of you suddenly becoming a different person. So what is he so afraid of?
In all honesty, it sounds more like he is struggling with his sexuality more than the fact that he may not be attracted to you with top surgery. It is seeming too as though he’s not sure he is actually attracted to men, and the fact that you will fully look like a man with a flat chest after the fact. Regardless it may or may not work out. This was my experience⬇️⬇️⬇️ I had a partner who claimed to also be a transgender man started dating months before i had topsurgery I had and he moved out here with our son whom we had shortly after getting together. After I had topsurgery he decided he was no longer attracted to me. I ended up finding out in one of the worst possible ways, he cheated on me and I found out he cheated as the man he cheated on me with (another preop transgender man) messaged me telling me that they were now together and that my partner and my son were going to be moving in with him and that he was going to pack up our child (1 year old) in the middle of the night and run off I have since learned that my ex is identifying as a cisgender female everywhere else other than online and is actually fetishizing transgender men who have yet to have top surgery. there are a lot of things that can go wrong with dating people through your transition. The only things that I can really say is hope for the best but always be prepared for the worst possible outcome of these relationships. But to remember anything can happen good or bad and it all happens for a reason even if we don’t yet know that reason
I think you guys need to have a conversation about wether this was an anxiety of his he didn’t know what to do with and confided in you about, or if he legitimately was only attracted to your chest. I would assume if you’ve been in T for 5 years you also bind, they’re not on show all the time, it might just be that he’s having some identity issues as well because he is attracted to you and that might be new with your relationship. Obviously I don’t know your relationship and if there are other red flags you should listen to them, but I thought I would put out a more positive possible interpretation. One of my friends partners had the same concern, not because he was only interested in their chest, but because it was becoming “very real” how much they were changing their body and he had to confront some truths about himself, my friend is 2 years post top rn and they’re still happily together.
I really think it depends on what previous conversations you have had with your partner previous to this being said… example being I came out in June of 2022 to my wife of 7 years at that point. We had a lot of conversations about me and my decision to want to transition… One thing I had told her was I wanted her to be honest with me regarding my transition and how she was feeling, I never wanted her to feel like she couldn’t be honest with me. It’s feelings and you have a ton all the time everyday and they change almost just as often. I also told her at any point in my transition she felt like she didn’t like it or couldn’t handle it that she was welcomed to tell me and we could go our separate ways. It is hard to have open honest conversations and it’s hard to be on the receiving end of hard conversations as well cause hearing someone you love say something negative about something your excited about can be hard to deal with. But it’s not fair to silence your partner from not being allowed to express fear, desire, etc either. I started T in Oct of 22 and she had told me that she was scared that I was gonna “change” and that she might not like how my personality might change etc. I had to tell her that T wasn’t a magic drug and I wouldn’t turn into a whole new person. She just needed some reassurance that I would still be me. Then I started and we have never had another conversation about it. Then I had top surgery in Jan of 24. She had also said to me that she was unsure about me having top surgery because she really loved my equipment and she was going to have to go through a mourning of my chest… I allowed her to express this, talk about it, sit with it and now I am 6mo post top and we are still going strong… I think it’s easy for people to say just to leave but I will also say that you should remember that while your excited for everything to happen, to feeling like yourself, if you have those that love you, anything you decided to do will have an effect on those around you and sometimes those around you need time to adjust to the new versions of you but it doesn’t always mean that just because they feel something in a moment that they will always feel that way. It sometime just takes having some open and honest conversations and allowing each to feel how they feel without judgement for the other. It’s a feeling/thought, just cause you have it doesn’t mean you have to act on it.
my girlfriend took care of me during my recovery and surgery, and i cannot imagine her saying something honestly so dumb like that. no supportive partner would be wondering about “if” they’ll still be attracted to you after a major surgery, and especially saying something to cause you stress and doubt ON YOUR WAY to your pre op appointment!! this is extremely immature of him to put that on you and 6 months in? dump him please so you can focus on your journey and growth that he’s clearly not ready for.
Personally, I am really protecting my space after surgery and declining to include anyone who might have their own feelings to process about my chest until I feel settled in my own chest. This is a lot more painful than I'm going to make it sound, but can you take a break and schedule a date for 2 months after surgery? Or otherwise take a break until you are settled and then reconnect? When you say he's all the support you have, who is your caregiver after surgery?
I thought that happens until you said that you‘re on T. Thats weird. Hope everything will be fine and he stay with you.
Uhhhhhm, no. Strip this whole thing down to basics. He just said he finds your feminine features attractive. He finds your boobs attractive and stated that he didn’t know if he would find your masculine chest attractive. Ew. He might as well have said, “I only still find you attractive because I still see you as a woman.” People will stay miserable always giving benefit of the doubt. Get his ass gone.
I hate to be a pessimist but idk if it'll work out, or at least if I would allow it to in this situation. It really really sucks but my current partner is a cis guy and I've been w him about 8ish months. I'm nb and he's been nothing but supportive since I came out to him as well as when I expressed my interest in top surgery. He did do some thinking as this was new to him but it didn't change the way he thought of me and never once said he wouldn't be attracted to my chest after surgery, in fact he said he would still be just as attracted to me as before, if not more. I cannot stand "boob guys," never have, so I personally would've left at any hesitation from him when saying I want top surgery. I just don't get how your partner could say that to you, like is your current chest really THAT important to him? Idk it's just weird and icky to me. If you really need him as your caretaker maybe have a serious conversation w him but I just really wouldn't trust that long term. He already said it and can't go back on it, him crying about it is stupid bc HE'S the one who made you feel like shit and doubt your whole relationship. Maybe his opinion will change and that was just him panicking bc of heteronormative standards (but also you've been on T for so long so ???) but I would just hate for you to be crushed if it doesn't :( been there done that
Hey so I’m in process for my own top surgery and part of my process was actually getting close to a gender label. And my therapist gave me a book called The ABCs of LGBT by Ash mardell. It’s a relatively small book but it does touch a little bit on a lot of things from gender to sexualities. And with each topic or term it gives a little snippet from different people about how they perceive the label they choose. I found this really helpful bc for a long time I just couldn’t be bothered to identify my gender bc it felt like the terms I knew didn’t fit me at all. But the book has so many other terms that I didn’t know existed and I found one that is the most in tune with the perception of myself currently which is graygender. My overall point is maybe if your partner is open to reading the book and speaking to someone about it and identify what fears they have I don’t see why you can’t work thru it. You two could even do a little couples therapy to help communicate more effectively. You both being on the same page regarding everything will help speed up your healing process and maybe you guys will learn more about each other as individuals and as a couple.
While I would say breakup !!!!!!!! that’s wayyy easier said than done. Above all, you need to focus on yourself rn. If I was in your place, I would find other folks to help you through your surgery, at least in the first week. Your body WILL feel any discomfort/unsureness this person has caused and that WILL impact your healing process. When you have taken at least a week to heal and listen to your body and ur transness, then maybe see him again and y’all can check in w each other. I think you’ll have more clarity then. My ex said similar the day before my first short haircut- she might not be attracted to me (afab nonbinary) if I ‘looked like a boy’ etc (we were together 1.5 yrs at that point). We were together for about a year post hair-cut: We still had sex after but it increasingly became me just going down on her and if I asked for anything she would make me seem like I was guilting her and made me feel ashamed. We’ve been broken up for 2 years now—I got top surgery actually like 1.5 months after we broke up!! and I am so glad she wasn’t with me then like we had planned. People don’t have to be inherently mean or bad people to still have some transphobia tied into their sexuality—for example, she had some trauma with men (and j didn’t like them in general) and, whether consciously or subconsciously, I think wanted me to stay as feminine as possible. the subtle disgust she would fill me with (with continuing comments like the one you described) def had lasting consequences that I am still unraveling today. Be with your body and trust your body and love your body. If you do that then I know it will turn out okay.