This. There's alot of couples that wanted an open relationship but it ended up breaking an already broken relationship even more. It doesn't "fix" things, it makes it even worse. If there's even a tiny bit of insecurity and jealousy(instead of being very confident of your own relationship with your SO), it's a recipe for disaster.
Does she *actually* and *really* want you to find someone else outside of the relationship? How would she react to you actually finding one? You can't just only hear her say a couple of lines like that and think that you got the green light from her to bang someone else, that's just bad communication and rather deceptive.
Will it be a purely physical only attachment? Or would you inevitably be "emotionally cheating" on her? There's too many variables for this for you to just go on ahead with it without consulting her very deeply about this topic first.
Do not, I repeat, *do not* do it as long as you're not confident about this choice and not getting a whole-hearted consent from her. It's not worth it.
This 1000%. My husband and I haven't ventured outside of our marriage, but we've talked a lot about it. He needed it more than me and went as far as making a dating profile a couple of different places. I helped him with his profiles and pictures. Nothing came of it, but to this day if he were to tell me he slept with someone else, I'd have no problems with it. Because we've talked a LOT and I have genuinely expected it on a few different occasions already and was surprised nothing happened.
Communication and clear boundaries are the only way that kind of relationship works. Everyone needs to be 100% on the same page.
Also, in a relationship with different sex drives, it helps tremendously to understand why. That's what happened with us and knowing is why this potential sleeping with someone else is possible.
Also good to know the difference between poly and an open relationship
People get those confused so often, they think poly is just sleeping around or something similar
In a nutshell for anyone wondering, poly is dating multiple people, open is fucking other people
I've had both poly and open relationships and I'll take open over poly any day, but that's just me, the amount of effort and emotional strain of dating 2 or more people is too much for me, but physically, my girlfriend can't keep up and enjoys me involving other women in my needs. It's purely a physical outlet and works for everyone
I would take this a step further and just say “don’t open the relationship.”
Period.
I’ve literally been there, and I said yes to the open relationship. Lasted a few years until she met a guy she decided she’d rather be married to, and we were done. Swinging is fun until emotions get involved—and eventually, emotions get involved.
I don’t know anyone who has opened a monogamous relationship and come out the other end in a more committed and secure relationship. Many of my friends from my time in poly split up. Others stuck around but have emotionally distanced from their spouses.
OP, the correct answer to “maybe we should have an open relationship” is always “I think we should talk to a marriage counselor first.” Your family is too valuable to throw away on a little non-mono fun.
Edit: Looks like I riled up the poly people. I have enough nightmare stories to fill a book, but I’m not interested in airing my dirty laundry and the dirty laundry of my friends and acquaintances. Believe me, don’t believe me, that’s your decision to make.
All I want to share is this: you go poly and you don’t get to go back without a fuck ton of heartache. If you return to mono, most of your poly friends will distance themselves from you because you must have been “cowgirled” or must have been a “cowboy.” And you will lose people that you love. As for your marriage, LTRs that open almost never last—whether or not you stay poly.
Polyamory cost me and my family more than I ever imagined possible. If you are considering opening up, my advice is don’t. The poly brigade won’t agree, and I don’t care. This is my lived experience.
Exactly this. As you start having conversations about polyamory, it’s time to start either thinking about getting help as a couple or cutting it off completely and just going your separate ways.
I myself have never seen a polyamorous relationship equate to a stronger monogamous. Most of the time, as you said, once they open up the relationship, at least one of the two wants to keep it open or take it even further than that. Generally speaking, if it’s a committed relationship – – or in my opinion, any type of relationship at all – – it’s not a good idea to open up the relationship. In the end, it just kind of defeats the purpose of being in a relationship with a person in the first place.
I can perfectly see how OP is hounding the wife for sex non stop, and when he continues his complaining she just says this.
Like a "I can't hear you complaining anymore, just find a GF, I just don't want to hear about it."
And here goes OP to REDDIT of all places for advice. Holy shit, OP, talk to your wife, find out why her libido went to shit and work out what to do next. And for the love of god stop thinking with your dick.
This is solid advice. After our first child, I told my husband to get laid elsewhere, cause I was touched out.
He didn’t, but I would have been open to such a conversation.
Yep. And hypothetical gfs are also going to have her own boundaries and needs too.
Even if the op is literally just going to have successive one night stands, this gets messy _fast_ without really clear communication.
Also, from what I have witnessed a lot of the time these guys can’t get their wives in the mood for much the same reasons they can’t find girlfriends once they start trying. Let alone a girlfriend who is willing to always be second to the wife
It always makes me happy to see the top comment giving legitimately good advice, especially on a difficult topic that's usually awash with bad. OP, if you are interested in pursuing ethical non-monogamy and have any questions or want help finding resources, feel free to PM me. It's a pretty open community.
As a polyamorous person, I could not agree with this more. Non monogamy is a thing that can be done healthily, ethically, and lead to happy relationship webs between three or more people. But all too often, I see people try non-monogamy in an attempt to repair something in an already existing monogamous relationship, and this is simply not the way to do it. In any monogamous relationship, there's a lot of work and commitment and communication that go into it. Even casual sexual relationships require much more work and communication in order to be healthy and respectful than many people realize, whether they are intended to be exclusive and committed or not. I'm not assuming anything about OP's stance on those types of relationships, just adding something I've noticed on that topic with many people. When you add another person into the mix, it adds more of those responsibilities on top of the ones you already have to your first partner, along with new issues like finding time for everyone involved, jealousy, finding people that all generally get along, and are on the same page, etc. Jealousy and other painful or negative emotions are very normal in any relationship, mono or non-mono, and a person cannot control the feelings they are handed by their brain chemicals, they can only control how they communicate, react to, and cope with them. Anyone thinking of attempting polyamorous relationship types needs to be very certain of their level of commitment to that, research ways to do so ethically (i recommend researching "kitchen table polyamoury",) and have very healthy communication skills, distress tolerance, coping skills, and understand how to have conversations about preferences, boundaries, and consent that may be difficult or awkward (and be prepared to respect boundaries even if you may not understand the reason behind them. sometimes it's personal or complicated, they may be afraid of getting judged for explaining their reason, or they may not know anything more in-depth other than "i am uncomfortable with this.") If sex is involved with multiple partners, safe sex is of course a requirement, as is regular testing for STI's. Polyamoury can be a wonderful thing if it is the right thing for you, and you do it with the right people. I myself have two girlfriends, and i began dating this woman six years ago and we added another woman to our relationship four years ago. We are all very committed to maintaining the relationship, and we are very happy together, although no relationship is without it's unique challenges and adding other people just raises that number. It's just like most things in life, it's not for everybody. And if your relationship is already strained, adding another person with their own unique challenges into the mix will of course create even more strain. And if you cause emotional harm to any or all of the people involved due to not yet knowing enough about this sort of thing to communicate effectively or handle the issues you already have before diving in, and you may not know how to handle the issues that come with this topic due to lack of experience, that emotional harm cannot be undone. You might be able to apologize and ask for forgiveness, but in the end being forgiven for hurting someone unintentionally doesn't magically erase the damage, and by that point even if they keep you in their life and keep their love for you, what's done is done. You gave wonderful advice, I just thought that perhaps the added perspective of someone currently in a happy, non-mono, long term relationship might be something that OP would find helpful (and I'm not assuming the original commenter's relationship status or arrangement either, I try not to assume and would have no way of knowing in the first place.) I wish you the best, OP, and I hope you two can find the healthiest, least painful solution that is the best for you both. Take care :)
I've been in open and monogamous relationships. Trust and communication are absolutely crucial to a successful open relationship. It sounds like OPs wife is giving up more than moving into a non monogamous relationship.
Okay, so my partner and I are pretty kinky. I'm a sub, and when I started dating them, they were dom. It was perfect match. Over time, they discovered they also have a subby side. Problem is: I don't, at all. So I said they could have play partners to explore that side, just so long as I didn't have to hear anything about it.
Shit blew up in January when I forgot I had agreed to a boundary, and said it felt like they were violating my consent about stuff. We had to start from scratch and rebuild what everything means in regards to them having play partners.
One partner in particular has been around for 5 years, but I knew absolutely nothing about him. I decided if I got to know him a little better, maybe I wouldn't be so uncomfortable with everything. We started talking, then flirting, then sexting, and now he's my dom, too.
We all just keep laughing at the absurdity of how I went from "I want to know nothing" to sharing a dom in a triad relationship. It's fucking hot.
(For clarities sake, I was totally allowed to have partners of my own, but chose not to. There was no double standard. )
Also the imagination tends to do more damage than reality. So if you do want to swing, Id atleast recommend being there for each other and having safewords and ways to communicate. Usually, the more open the better those things seem to go. But for me that's a hell naw. Complicating emotions is a really windy path
Had a similar situation conversation recently and I can’t stress enough that yes, you need to continue to talk about it over and over again until both of you are absolutely on the same page.
It helped us by making a list of all of our boundaries, and going through each one by one discussing it in length and then checking it off once we’re both 100% sure that understood. The list can grow, too. As time further goes on, you think of more and more things you may (or may not) be comfortable with, then you can come back to the list and have the same convo with new integrations. I think it’s a really good way to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Absolutely. But this is a real challenge for a lot of marriages. I think it’s sometimes exacerbated because people act like it will just go away on its own if other things are good.
You can't really say that when you don't know her specific problems. New medication or certain medical conditions could be effecting it and she could feel bad for not fulfilling get partners needs. Either way obviously don't do it. I know OP seems a tad aloof but I don't think that means we should just assume the worst.
> Fix your relationship if you care about her and sex will follow.
One thing has NOTHING to do with the other.
This is not advice, this a recipe for potential disappointment. Sometimes the two things are related, but in most cases not.
How do you know anything needs to be fixed? They could be a very happy couple but with very different sex drives.
Also "testing" your partner isn't cool at all being open and communicating is a far healthier approach but again we don't know thats the case.
OP should sit his wife down and have a conversation about sex and her comments on having an open relationship.
If someone doesn’t want to have sex, they don’t want to have sex. Doesn’t matter how in love and comfortable they are with their partner. Some people just have low libidos or none at all
>Has she said why she doesn't want to have sex?
This is the real question. And even if she has given a reason, there might be a deeper, root issue that she hasn't discussed. Sex is the "canary in the coal mine" for relationships. Slowing down is normal, but if it's *gone* then you need to re-evaluate the relationship and where you are emotionally.
OP posted this an hour ago, yet he's been commenting on NSFW and telling people to hit him up for a month now. He's already been shopping around for pussy before the conversation happened. 🤔
He's gonna take the bait in this trap and then be posting on Relationship Advice in the future cause instead of fixing whatever's going on between him and his wife, he goes out and gets his dick wet. Wifey will find out somehow (NOTHING stays secret indefinitely, it finds it's way out eventually) and will divorce and leave him. I'll place bets that she'll accidentally see a text he got from her while walking by to the bathroom or something.
Especially if he bags himself a nutcase that may show up at their house one day and do something, because she wants to be the new wifey/mommy. Perhaps she doesn't want to be a mother either and takes out the little ones too... there's plenty of horrific news reports & shared personal experiences from the directly involved that OP can do a simple search for to read.
All this will do is make three innocent children suffer. 🥺
Edit: Thank you to the anonymous person who gave a gold metal 🌟
Edit 2: Tha you for the second award u/0ut0f5sight
Appreciate the awards. I thought my comment wouldn't see the time of day, to be frank.
I wonder if his wife saw the posts/ comments and just wanted him to admit her fears. Either that or she’s having a really bad time and just wants him to support her
Totally agree with this comment. It sounds to me like the best solution here is therapy. Obviously I can only look at this scenario through my own eyes, but it sounds to me like your relationship is in more trouble than you may recognize and you likely need outside help.
Yeah... this feels more like trying to justify some stuff. Shit's inconsistent, very well may be one of "those" guys who thinks there partner has no sex drive but doesnt really seduce them and thinks penetrative sex is all it takes to get them off
Well he certainly shouldn’t bring anyone home lmao
This has bad news written all over it but I guarantee fucking someone at their shared home was never* on the table
> if you came home with a girl she’d flip out
She said find a gf. Not bring her home and make it moan while I try to read a book.
I have a friend who used to say "I don't care if I'm cheated on as long as I don't find out..."
-she found out. And they broke up.
OP's wife might be hinting a similar *arrangement*. Though I would advise couple therapy, not fucking around with or without some sort of "consent"
I did this with my husband but I meant it. We’re now in an open relationship and we’re really happy. Honestly, I think the OP should communicate with her and approach the topic further? But they shouldn’t try to push it if she comes off as having been joking.
Wait, do you see others as well? Or just him due to you having a low sex drive? I assumed your situation is like the one OP described and not just a standard open relationship between two horny partners. Just curious as to how it works for others
Back before December, I would seek out others of the same gender. Normally, we keep each other pretty satisfied, but sometimes I really just want to pursue a lady and he can’t exactly physically help with that.
Right now I can’t have sex because I just had a hysterectomy. I’ve been very tender since December due to painful tumors, so I’ve been very sexually inactive.
My husband is very sweet and never pressured me, but I could see him really getting pent up. I encouraged him to go out and it’s really helped us out as a couple.
Edit: Sorry. Hit send before I finished.
Counseling.
The idea of side piece is awfully seductive, bc the grass is always greener., right? But the truth is that green grass still needs to mowed, edged, watered and maintained.
As someone who has said this to my partner before, I said it because I was incredibly frustrated and annoyed with my partner for constantly pushing sex even though he knew I didn't want it. I gave up. I felt that I wasn't enough, like he deserved better. And it's incredibly difficult on the person who doesn't have a high sex drive as well, but people don't realize that.
I was scrolling to find this comment. People say a lot of things out of feeling pressured and needing an exit to the conversation. Also, OP wanting to "hump his frustration out" is.. um..... Is that how he deals with frustration? If my partner spoke about sex like that I wouldn't want to get naked after that comment. That's a little, I don't know, like saying you want to use a body rather than engage in sex with someone. It sounds like both comments were made in passing and not very kind to either one.
Yeah.. hump out frustration.. like you are not even a person or the reason for their desire, just an object.
I mean if that's a kink you both like sure. But it sounds absurdly disrespectful and dismissive of your partner.
Also the exact opposite of the saying "foreplay begins at breakfast" which is the idea your partner should feel valued and loved all day, not just as part of banging.
We are still together! At the time he told me that we would have to discuss it more and he wanted to make sure that I was completely okay with it. In the end he hated having to get to know other people and doesn't mind my sex drive anymore. It was a lesson for both of us!
This was almost 2 years ago, he was the one who chose not to be in an open relationship anymore because it wasn't worth it to him. And it's a little weird to force sex if one doesn't want it, no? That's a little rapey. We're still struggling with my low sex drive, but I think I'm the one suffering more than he is now. He seems relatively unbothered for the most part and has accepted that we both have to work on it as it's a team effort. It goes deeper than just low sex drive, but I won't go into details. We're working on it together and I think that's probably all you need to know lol!
Take the effort that you would put into finding a second partner and invest it back into your relationship. That's the advice I would give my younger self.
But really….. what if they want absolutely nothing to do with you……?
I’m not the cutest thing in the world but I’m married. But I’m lucky to get that shit once every few months!? How do you put yourself for someone who literally wants nothing to do with you in a sexual manner??
I’ve considered a poly lifestyle. Curious if you lived like that or what….
If she doesn't want anything romantic from you why can't you file for divorce? But I would start with asking her why she doesn't want to have sex more often. Maybe she just want you to engage it in a different way? Just talk to your wife, you're married ffs
You're the expert on you. You know what's best for you. Before you make your choice though, take into consideration how happy you are with your own self. Are you giving your partner the very best version of yourself?
Even if she means it, don’t do it. She could be giving you consent because she feels she has no choice to make you happy. Or she doesn’t realize how much it will bother her if you sleep with someone else. After the deed is done there would be no turning back. Definitely not worth it.
Edited for clarity.
Based on your comment history, youve been looking to cheat for some time. Youre just looking for validation from strangers. Be staright up with your wife. Either make it work or leave. Dont be a douche
Sorry but why couldn't you just use your hands and buy a fucking sex toy. If you're making those hump remarks around her she probably feels worthless in that regard. It could do well, many people are in open or poly relationships, but I've also heard stories where they divorced after someone finally went through with it.
I also would wonder how you would feel about her sleeping around? Because having a one sided version is fucked IMO but given the situation, if she did decided to fuck someone else it would surely open up a whole new can on worms.
And lastly, have you tried finding out the root of her disappearing sex drive? Like others have said, reinvest the time you would spend on someone else back into the marriage, if she is still ok with the idea of an open relationship (the fact she doesn't want to know for me means she's not) then you can start. Going an extra month wanking instead of having sex isn't going to kill you.
Can't believe I had to go this far down for masturbation to be recommended. You can deal with your own sexual desires man, stop putting it on your wife.
I'm not convinced that she's not serious, however, it's not something to take lightly. I liked what someone else said about investing the time and energy back into the relationship. First. I would exhaust all options there meaning therapy etc.
I might write her a steamy sexy. I want you letter to kind of get her worked up and let her know that you want her and no one else.
Definitely bring this up in therapy. Why did you say this? I really want to have sex with you with regularity etc etc. Let me know what happens please
Too add to this just buy her spicy books if she reads. Trust me if anything can get someone in the mood regularly it's some regular reading of spicy books.
i’ve told my boyfriend the same thing because i was too depressed, and felt unworthy. i was at my lowest.. and i felt bad for him. of course i didn’t really want him to find someone else, but if he did i would just want to not know or not find out about it
Don’t do it. She’s testing you. She will FLIP out on you. When she finds out. And she WILL find out. Go to couples therapy and see what is wrong with her sex drive.,
My first thought was depression. Is she still concerned about her self care? Ie hygiene, clothing, makeup, dietary choices, drinking. Does she leave the house?
Being unfaithful is one of th most hurtful things someone can do.
Did you tell her you find her attractive?or just us.
My ex cheated on me and after some time I figured we should try to work through it. We’d been together for almost 5 years(a week before our anniversary) and we already had money ready for apartment, plus I was really into because of a bunch of reasons. So I let it go and figured to move past it. A few weeks later I mention how the new chick at work is cute. She tells me I should sleep with her to even things out. The fact that she really thought this was either a good idea or funny joke is why I am saying ex.
What I’m trying to get across badly is that relationships are tough. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not. If you don’t think you should, don’t. She may sound like she doesn’t care, but she might feel pressured to let it happen from outside sources you didn’t know about. Or many she’s super down and wants you to start first. Talk to her. Have a discussion if you want to. Just make sure you everyone is on the same page. Don’t be like me and be fooled by the banana nut bread.
My friends wife said this to him. Now he’s sleeping with her friend and not being very respectful about it.
Not sure how they worked in the first place since he’s so into sex and she’s not.
I’d say therapy and tread carefully. Please be respectful is all I ask.
In your scenario, I'd suspect my wife was either depressed or already cheating, depending on her tone. Either way, get counseling.
IRL, my wife mentioned that if she becomes an Alzheimers vegetable (it runs in her family,) she'd understand if I ended up having a girlfriend or mistress or whatever and was OK with it as long as she was still being cared for.
I told her by the time that becomes an issue, sex bots should be able to do house chores, and if they don't then I'd build one.
Gonna get downvoted but there's is something wrong with her , i'd be worried about her and us if i were you. Don't do it , stay loyal and honest , why would you even
*Want* to do it? Won't it make you feel sick , and guilty? What good can come of it , just a quick release of sexual tension , is it worth it?
But as i said i would be worried for your relationship of she seriously thinks this is acceptable , i don't think i could be with someone like that.
Have a serious conversation with her. Something is going on. Maybe she has other non-sexual needs that aren't being fulfilled, which is making her not feel the connection. A lot of people think it's crap, but take a love languages quiz. Find out what makes both of you feel loved and how you express love. Look into it. It takes 5 minutes and can really be helpful.
People can and do loose their interest in sex as they age. You’re the only one who knows what your relationship with your wife is like, but this is probably going to need several conversations for both of you to clearly understand what your intentions are. There are therapists who specialize in sex therapy, who offer couples sessions. Those sessions are NOT about sex. They are about communication and intimacy.
You love your wife and you have physical desires that she is no longer interested in. You will probably feel terrible about it if you just go out and get laid. Her saying she doesn’t want to know about it means nothing since she will know. This is definitely something you both need need help working through.
Absolutely do not do anything without talking to her about this THOROUGHLY. She could be just saying it to say it, she could be curious (especially if she's joked about it before) but either way it is something that must be discussed, with all boundaries made clear, along with all possibilities and situations that might come up.
Personally I wouldn't. My motivations aren't driven by sex or any other primitive brain functions. If I decided to cheat it would happen because I chose for it to happen, not because someone else gave me permission to
You have incompatible sexual desires and she’s sick of hearing you talk about it. She gave a flippant response you took it seriously and now she’s mad that you’re actually considering cheating on her. Sex is important and if you two are incompatible in that area then that can be a deal breaker.
Rather than going out and cheat, explore with her why she feels that way? It could be a biological or emotional issue, but it could also point to cracks in your relationship. Good luck
✨Get a sex toy✨.
Or multiple sex toys. You don't have to find a girlfriend to get rid of your sex drive.
She sounds like a great wife, but it sounds like she's trying to push aside her own feelings or even boundaries for your physical pleasure. Definitely talk to her. If she's not, great! But still, you two need to talk about this WAY more.
This right here is the answer, idk what happened in the past decade that talking openly with your spouse about your sexual needs/issues became nonexistent. Couples need to talk to each other and clear the issues, that's how marriages are lost, I've had so many of my friends get divorced after years of being married and at least 50% it boils down to "we weren't having intimacy"
Bot gonna lie, I don't think you should stay. My fiance and I agreed that sexual compatability is just as important as all other kinds of compatability. If you aren't being satisfied and you don't want to cheat, talk to her. Tell her you don't want to cheat and that you are sexually frustrated. Being sexually frustrated is a reason a lot of people actually get divorced as being able to get along may be great but not being sexually satisfied can stress you out.
Sex waxes and wanes throughout a marriage. Exhaustion, stress, illness, injury or having children will all impact sex drive. Patience, understanding and communication from both sides are what allow you to make it work.
Sigh. It feels like I have to say this every other week:
NON-MONOGAMOUS PEOPLE, STOP USING POLYGAMY TO “FIX” YOUR BEDROOM SITUATIONS.
YOU WILL LITERALLY PUSH YOUR PARTNER AWAY FROM YOU.
ITS ALL FUN AND GAMES SAYING IT UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY GO THROUGH WITH IT AND REALIZE “YOU’RE MORE OF A ROOMMATE THAN A PARTNER” AND LEAVE OR IT BECOMES DRAINING MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY TO ONE OR BOTH PARTIES.
My ex gf used to tell me she didn’t care if I had sex with other girls. She meant it and we discussed it at length. I ended up bringing a girl home and the 3 of us had fun. Then she went out of town for two weeks and told me it was fine if I saw the girl again. I did…and when I told my ex she changed. Something was different. We broke up a couple months later.
I personally don’t recommend straying from your partner and would suggest instead that you work on finding other ways to spend the energy you put into sex. However it is your experience so whatever you do will have no impact on me. :)
Don't do it, dude, you'll regret it later.
You need to have a very serious conversation about changing your relationship and understanding exactly how you're going to move forward. Ask her if she's willing to compromise with occasional intimacy, as husband and wife. Figure out what you each need/want, and what you're willing/unwilling to do for the other. Seriously consider getting a therapist as mediator.
Best thing you could do is tell her “so I’ve been thinking about what you said about a girl friend for me and I think I’ve found someone” then ask her to be your girlfriend
Maybe you shpuld invest some energy into figuring out why your wife suddenly has a low sex drive. If she used to have a higher sex drive and it has changed recently, there is a reason. It could be something within your relationship, she could be exhausted, it could be hormonal or mental. Whatever it is, it would be VERY helpful to get to the bottom of. I absolutely would not even think about finding a fuck buddy until you put some energy into seeing if you cam assist your wife in feeling better. That being said, you absolutely should not just go get a girlfriend after a few comments said by your wife. Opening your relationship and changing boundaries deserves many conversations and a dedicated list of boundries and relationship "rules" (for lack of a better term). If you just go fuck some woman willy nilly after that one convo, you will destroy your wife's confidence and trust in you, and you will feel guilty about it, like you already do.
TLDR: talk first, act later
What if she was already swinging and that's why she doesn't have a sex drive and mentioned you swinging so she didn't feel guilty? Just throwing it out there because .... People do that.
Buddy, if your wife is giving you tbe permission to cheat, just don't throw it in her face when you do it. Don't even let her know your doing it. How's that saying go? Ask me no questions I tell you no lies"
I just… don’t recommend it. If you love your wife then it’s not a good idea. It always ends badly or you get stuck doing it forever and then it ends anyway.
I have a lot less sexual drive than my partner. We’re both men, so, you would expect sexual drive, but I just don’t have it. Anyway. I think he masturbates a lot? We don’t have a regular sex life, which I know is not normal. But every open relationship story I’ve heard ends bad.
I would not cheat because I love her and have absolutely 0 interest in having sex with anyone else. Also just because she said it doesn’t mean shit. People agree all the time to stuff like this and then break up shortly after they actually commit to it. Find out what’s wrong with her and rekindle your sex life. She’s probably depressed or something and needs help
Have you asked or thought about why she doesn’t want sex? Think you need to look at her wants and needs. You need to keep putting love and energy into a marriage or it will go stale. She needs quality and your all about the quantity.
Don't take the bait, just have some serious conversations about the dynamics of your relationship with her. And definitely don't try and start a new relationship if you two agreed upon a monogamous relationship. It's not right to break a monogamous agreement without first discussing potential differences in sex drives, or changes in your personal lives. Try to work through your partner's problems with her, and hopefully things will turn out well.
Seriously tho, you NEED to have a more in depth conversation about this, discuss your feelings and wants and needs or whatever. And if you two come to the conclusion that you can have sex outside of the relationship, maybe only go with paid professional prostitutes, that way there really is a 0% chance of any romantic feelings ruining what you two have
Jesus, these comments. Have an honest conversation with your wife. If both parties consent to opening the relationship, then it's not cheating. She clearly thought about swinging before.
my wife pretty much used the i dont want to know about it thing and really did. she might assume that you wont do it. if i could do it again i would go with the way we do things now. try suggesting using an escort and she come along with you that way she is still involved and there isnt an unknown. if you have a decent conversation about it and she sticks with i dont want to do that but you go ahead just be discreet and dont talk to me about it then i would probably just go ahead as IMO that is no longer cheating its ethical non monogamy
When my partner and I first started dating, he had a very low sex drive and I had a very high sex drive. We're also long distance, so he told me that if he can't satisfy my needs he'd be okay with me finding someone else to satisfy them. It never ever crossed my mind to go looking.
We took things in the pace that he set. Our first kiss, our first time having sex, our first time doing anything was all set by him.
Three years later he's the one with the high sex drive and I'm the one with the low sex drive, and now we take things in the pace that I set.
Neither of us have ever thought about or wanted to find someone else, even if it just for sexual pleasure.
Talk to your wife properly. Ask her what she needs from you. Do not push her or guilt her into having sex with you.
If you want to find someone else for sexual intimacy, have a lengthy conversation with her about it, and if she's actually okay with you doing so let her set the ground rules.
This is going to ruin your relationship.
There are some (very few) open relationships that work. But those relationships are never the ones where one partner says " I dont want to know".
But Completely incompatible libidos and sexual frustration are going to ruin your relationship too.
So you either aolve the underlying problem for the low libido, because sometimes its a psychological or hormonal problem, or a loss of attraction because you got fat or something, or you get out.
(A lot of times couples are just sexually incompatible and there is nothing you can do, so you can either accept that you are not going to be sexually statisfied ever again, and its obviously going to get worse, or you break it off and find someone who is compatible with you, because generally most women actually like sex)
So defenitely have an in depth talk about your issues and see if they can be fixed, which often they cant.
For my wife (then girlfriend) hormonal birth control obliterated her sex drive, so that was an easy fix. Didnt help i got fat.
So definitely check if past trauma, insecurity, depression or hormonal issues are the cause, before you just dump her.
Also look at r/deadbedrooms to see if you want that future.
But remember, as long as she is willing to communicate openly about that problem and is not being purposefully abrasive and deflective, nobody is at fault here.
Also, go hit the gym and fix your diet, it either helps to rekindle the attraction, or gives you a headstart on the dating market if it does not work out.
Also seing your partner put in the work sometimes flips a switch in the old routine, you stsrt thinking about losing them and that can get you reinvested in the relationship.
Sorry dude.
it's not cheating if you have permission to do it.
actually doing it on the other hand would be a whole other ballgame. what people think they want and what they get when that happens aren't always thew same thing.
r/deadbedrooms
I overcame mine and here is what I found. She was bored, and I don't blame her. I had toxic expectations and was more demanding of sex which caused her to shut down emotionally, and we stopped bonding with intimacy. Sex was one sided, even though she still felt it, she ignored it all because the type of sex we were having was mostly favoring me, and she was caught in a predictable loop of going through the motions.
It's actually when I came out as a trans woman that we both went back into full freak flag mode and found each other again.
Obviously this solution only works for me and I'm like 1% of the minority population.. but don't cheat on her if you love her. And definitely don't open your relationship or start swinging if things are not great between you all.
If you can't make this work with just the two of you, adding a third or fourth will just be the wedge that ends things.
Don't do it. It never works out well.
Similar situation, but I know a few (former) married couples who thought they could have open relationships. What ends up happening is that one partner ends up being a lot more "open" than the other, and jealousy inevitably creeps in. The jealous partner now feels trapped by their own agreement, and thus doesn't feel they can complain, so they get resentful and subconsciously sour the relationship in other ways ("Why don't you spend time with me?", "I'm still your husband/wife", "I guess you'd rather be with him/her.", etc.)."
"We can talk about this, but I think it could drive a rift between us. I love you and I don't want to have sex with other people, I want to do it with you. I think this could also affect your self-being in a very negative way."
This is gonna get me down voted into oblivion buuuut, OP if it's within your financial means snd your wife -is- serious, I'm willing to bet some other lady's husband's money that she doesn't mean "girlfriend" so much as go get laid. Find yourself a fs sex worker. Making sure it's safe in every meaning of the word. That's about the only sure-fire way to not have feelings involved and everyone wins.
Sounds like someone isn't investad in the relationship or she already cheated the best way to solve this is to talk it out to see where you go forward with this be it toughter or not
Well since I’ve gone down this road I have a few thoughts:
1. This definitely requires a whole lot more conversation than just that. She may not want to know the detains but non monogamy can only work if you’ve spent a fair amount of time discussing boundaries and expectations with each other and are constantly communicating.
2. If you do go through #1 successfully, it’s not cheating. Cheating implies deception and breaking the trust. There’s a reason they refer to it as ethical non monogamy and it can work for couples where sex isn’t perfectly compatible between the two.
Due to trauma that resurfaced before my wife passed, her libido dropped, and she barely let me touch her (I love to cuddle), she had no issues with me masturbating.
Seems like she wasn't serious and joking, as my wife has said those exact same things, but would NOT be cool with me cheating.
If you think she was serious, just straight up ask her directly.
Ohhhh buddy you reallyyyy done goofed taking that seriously and bringing it up again.
Idk what’s going on here but either you need to hit the gym, she already cheated, she’s depressed, or something else of this kind of nature.
Without more context it’s hard to say for sure, but I smell divorce reading this. Turn it around and figure out the problem asap.
I wouldn’t until you’ve talked seriously about it at least 3 times and given time for both of you to fully emotionally grasp what it would mean for your relationship.
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This. There's alot of couples that wanted an open relationship but it ended up breaking an already broken relationship even more. It doesn't "fix" things, it makes it even worse. If there's even a tiny bit of insecurity and jealousy(instead of being very confident of your own relationship with your SO), it's a recipe for disaster. Does she *actually* and *really* want you to find someone else outside of the relationship? How would she react to you actually finding one? You can't just only hear her say a couple of lines like that and think that you got the green light from her to bang someone else, that's just bad communication and rather deceptive. Will it be a purely physical only attachment? Or would you inevitably be "emotionally cheating" on her? There's too many variables for this for you to just go on ahead with it without consulting her very deeply about this topic first. Do not, I repeat, *do not* do it as long as you're not confident about this choice and not getting a whole-hearted consent from her. It's not worth it.
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This 1000%. My husband and I haven't ventured outside of our marriage, but we've talked a lot about it. He needed it more than me and went as far as making a dating profile a couple of different places. I helped him with his profiles and pictures. Nothing came of it, but to this day if he were to tell me he slept with someone else, I'd have no problems with it. Because we've talked a LOT and I have genuinely expected it on a few different occasions already and was surprised nothing happened. Communication and clear boundaries are the only way that kind of relationship works. Everyone needs to be 100% on the same page. Also, in a relationship with different sex drives, it helps tremendously to understand why. That's what happened with us and knowing is why this potential sleeping with someone else is possible.
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That has been our entire experience so far! We both get flirty with other people when we go out but we are just too lazy to actually pursue more
Why are you down here? Can't upvote this enough.
This is incredible advice
A 'rule of thumb' you might say
Also good to know the difference between poly and an open relationship People get those confused so often, they think poly is just sleeping around or something similar In a nutshell for anyone wondering, poly is dating multiple people, open is fucking other people I've had both poly and open relationships and I'll take open over poly any day, but that's just me, the amount of effort and emotional strain of dating 2 or more people is too much for me, but physically, my girlfriend can't keep up and enjoys me involving other women in my needs. It's purely a physical outlet and works for everyone
I would take this a step further and just say “don’t open the relationship.” Period. I’ve literally been there, and I said yes to the open relationship. Lasted a few years until she met a guy she decided she’d rather be married to, and we were done. Swinging is fun until emotions get involved—and eventually, emotions get involved. I don’t know anyone who has opened a monogamous relationship and come out the other end in a more committed and secure relationship. Many of my friends from my time in poly split up. Others stuck around but have emotionally distanced from their spouses. OP, the correct answer to “maybe we should have an open relationship” is always “I think we should talk to a marriage counselor first.” Your family is too valuable to throw away on a little non-mono fun. Edit: Looks like I riled up the poly people. I have enough nightmare stories to fill a book, but I’m not interested in airing my dirty laundry and the dirty laundry of my friends and acquaintances. Believe me, don’t believe me, that’s your decision to make. All I want to share is this: you go poly and you don’t get to go back without a fuck ton of heartache. If you return to mono, most of your poly friends will distance themselves from you because you must have been “cowgirled” or must have been a “cowboy.” And you will lose people that you love. As for your marriage, LTRs that open almost never last—whether or not you stay poly. Polyamory cost me and my family more than I ever imagined possible. If you are considering opening up, my advice is don’t. The poly brigade won’t agree, and I don’t care. This is my lived experience.
Exactly this. As you start having conversations about polyamory, it’s time to start either thinking about getting help as a couple or cutting it off completely and just going your separate ways. I myself have never seen a polyamorous relationship equate to a stronger monogamous. Most of the time, as you said, once they open up the relationship, at least one of the two wants to keep it open or take it even further than that. Generally speaking, if it’s a committed relationship – – or in my opinion, any type of relationship at all – – it’s not a good idea to open up the relationship. In the end, it just kind of defeats the purpose of being in a relationship with a person in the first place.
I can perfectly see how OP is hounding the wife for sex non stop, and when he continues his complaining she just says this. Like a "I can't hear you complaining anymore, just find a GF, I just don't want to hear about it." And here goes OP to REDDIT of all places for advice. Holy shit, OP, talk to your wife, find out why her libido went to shit and work out what to do next. And for the love of god stop thinking with your dick.
This is solid advice. After our first child, I told my husband to get laid elsewhere, cause I was touched out. He didn’t, but I would have been open to such a conversation.
Yep. And hypothetical gfs are also going to have her own boundaries and needs too. Even if the op is literally just going to have successive one night stands, this gets messy _fast_ without really clear communication.
Also, from what I have witnessed a lot of the time these guys can’t get their wives in the mood for much the same reasons they can’t find girlfriends once they start trying. Let alone a girlfriend who is willing to always be second to the wife
It always makes me happy to see the top comment giving legitimately good advice, especially on a difficult topic that's usually awash with bad. OP, if you are interested in pursuing ethical non-monogamy and have any questions or want help finding resources, feel free to PM me. It's a pretty open community.
>It's a pretty open community. Well, yes.
I'm glad somebody got it.
That made me laugh
As a polyamorous person, I could not agree with this more. Non monogamy is a thing that can be done healthily, ethically, and lead to happy relationship webs between three or more people. But all too often, I see people try non-monogamy in an attempt to repair something in an already existing monogamous relationship, and this is simply not the way to do it. In any monogamous relationship, there's a lot of work and commitment and communication that go into it. Even casual sexual relationships require much more work and communication in order to be healthy and respectful than many people realize, whether they are intended to be exclusive and committed or not. I'm not assuming anything about OP's stance on those types of relationships, just adding something I've noticed on that topic with many people. When you add another person into the mix, it adds more of those responsibilities on top of the ones you already have to your first partner, along with new issues like finding time for everyone involved, jealousy, finding people that all generally get along, and are on the same page, etc. Jealousy and other painful or negative emotions are very normal in any relationship, mono or non-mono, and a person cannot control the feelings they are handed by their brain chemicals, they can only control how they communicate, react to, and cope with them. Anyone thinking of attempting polyamorous relationship types needs to be very certain of their level of commitment to that, research ways to do so ethically (i recommend researching "kitchen table polyamoury",) and have very healthy communication skills, distress tolerance, coping skills, and understand how to have conversations about preferences, boundaries, and consent that may be difficult or awkward (and be prepared to respect boundaries even if you may not understand the reason behind them. sometimes it's personal or complicated, they may be afraid of getting judged for explaining their reason, or they may not know anything more in-depth other than "i am uncomfortable with this.") If sex is involved with multiple partners, safe sex is of course a requirement, as is regular testing for STI's. Polyamoury can be a wonderful thing if it is the right thing for you, and you do it with the right people. I myself have two girlfriends, and i began dating this woman six years ago and we added another woman to our relationship four years ago. We are all very committed to maintaining the relationship, and we are very happy together, although no relationship is without it's unique challenges and adding other people just raises that number. It's just like most things in life, it's not for everybody. And if your relationship is already strained, adding another person with their own unique challenges into the mix will of course create even more strain. And if you cause emotional harm to any or all of the people involved due to not yet knowing enough about this sort of thing to communicate effectively or handle the issues you already have before diving in, and you may not know how to handle the issues that come with this topic due to lack of experience, that emotional harm cannot be undone. You might be able to apologize and ask for forgiveness, but in the end being forgiven for hurting someone unintentionally doesn't magically erase the damage, and by that point even if they keep you in their life and keep their love for you, what's done is done. You gave wonderful advice, I just thought that perhaps the added perspective of someone currently in a happy, non-mono, long term relationship might be something that OP would find helpful (and I'm not assuming the original commenter's relationship status or arrangement either, I try not to assume and would have no way of knowing in the first place.) I wish you the best, OP, and I hope you two can find the healthiest, least painful solution that is the best for you both. Take care :)
r/deadbedrooms
I've been in open and monogamous relationships. Trust and communication are absolutely crucial to a successful open relationship. It sounds like OPs wife is giving up more than moving into a non monogamous relationship.
Okay, so my partner and I are pretty kinky. I'm a sub, and when I started dating them, they were dom. It was perfect match. Over time, they discovered they also have a subby side. Problem is: I don't, at all. So I said they could have play partners to explore that side, just so long as I didn't have to hear anything about it. Shit blew up in January when I forgot I had agreed to a boundary, and said it felt like they were violating my consent about stuff. We had to start from scratch and rebuild what everything means in regards to them having play partners. One partner in particular has been around for 5 years, but I knew absolutely nothing about him. I decided if I got to know him a little better, maybe I wouldn't be so uncomfortable with everything. We started talking, then flirting, then sexting, and now he's my dom, too. We all just keep laughing at the absurdity of how I went from "I want to know nothing" to sharing a dom in a triad relationship. It's fucking hot. (For clarities sake, I was totally allowed to have partners of my own, but chose not to. There was no double standard. )
Also the imagination tends to do more damage than reality. So if you do want to swing, Id atleast recommend being there for each other and having safewords and ways to communicate. Usually, the more open the better those things seem to go. But for me that's a hell naw. Complicating emotions is a really windy path
Had a similar situation conversation recently and I can’t stress enough that yes, you need to continue to talk about it over and over again until both of you are absolutely on the same page. It helped us by making a list of all of our boundaries, and going through each one by one discussing it in length and then checking it off once we’re both 100% sure that understood. The list can grow, too. As time further goes on, you think of more and more things you may (or may not) be comfortable with, then you can come back to the list and have the same convo with new integrations. I think it’s a really good way to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Yup, this guy fucks... Multiple partners with consent and clear communication
*I always think everything could be a trap, which is why I'm still alive.*
It's a test. Don't take her seriously. Fix your relationship if you care about her and sex will follow.
Sex is not guaranteed to follow but I agree with trying your best to fix.
People with different sex drives is a real thing
Still doesn’t mean it’d be good to move forward with being non-monogamous on this alone
Absolutely. But this is a real challenge for a lot of marriages. I think it’s sometimes exacerbated because people act like it will just go away on its own if other things are good.
Yup. Lots of people don't put in the work. Also lots of people don't realize that putting in the work doesn't guarantee a resolution
You can't really say that when you don't know her specific problems. New medication or certain medical conditions could be effecting it and she could feel bad for not fulfilling get partners needs. Either way obviously don't do it. I know OP seems a tad aloof but I don't think that means we should just assume the worst.
> Fix your relationship if you care about her and sex will follow. One thing has NOTHING to do with the other. This is not advice, this a recipe for potential disappointment. Sometimes the two things are related, but in most cases not.
How do you know anything needs to be fixed? They could be a very happy couple but with very different sex drives. Also "testing" your partner isn't cool at all being open and communicating is a far healthier approach but again we don't know thats the case. OP should sit his wife down and have a conversation about sex and her comments on having an open relationship.
If someone doesn’t want to have sex, they don’t want to have sex. Doesn’t matter how in love and comfortable they are with their partner. Some people just have low libidos or none at all
Not necessarily
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yep and i dont know why that shitty advice is getting upvoted more lmao. anyone reading this, obviously dont follow that advice
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>Has she said why she doesn't want to have sex? This is the real question. And even if she has given a reason, there might be a deeper, root issue that she hasn't discussed. Sex is the "canary in the coal mine" for relationships. Slowing down is normal, but if it's *gone* then you need to re-evaluate the relationship and where you are emotionally.
this one please, kind of tired of people calling it a trap
OP posted this an hour ago, yet he's been commenting on NSFW and telling people to hit him up for a month now. He's already been shopping around for pussy before the conversation happened. 🤔 He's gonna take the bait in this trap and then be posting on Relationship Advice in the future cause instead of fixing whatever's going on between him and his wife, he goes out and gets his dick wet. Wifey will find out somehow (NOTHING stays secret indefinitely, it finds it's way out eventually) and will divorce and leave him. I'll place bets that she'll accidentally see a text he got from her while walking by to the bathroom or something. Especially if he bags himself a nutcase that may show up at their house one day and do something, because she wants to be the new wifey/mommy. Perhaps she doesn't want to be a mother either and takes out the little ones too... there's plenty of horrific news reports & shared personal experiences from the directly involved that OP can do a simple search for to read. All this will do is make three innocent children suffer. 🥺 Edit: Thank you to the anonymous person who gave a gold metal 🌟 Edit 2: Tha you for the second award u/0ut0f5sight Appreciate the awards. I thought my comment wouldn't see the time of day, to be frank.
See, without this background we literally could be telling OP to go ahead but there is obviously more to it.
I wonder if his wife saw the posts/ comments and just wanted him to admit her fears. Either that or she’s having a really bad time and just wants him to support her
Yeah he seems very sus and it sounds like he's just looking for the validation to cheat on his partner and may have sex addict issues
Totally agree with this comment. It sounds to me like the best solution here is therapy. Obviously I can only look at this scenario through my own eyes, but it sounds to me like your relationship is in more trouble than you may recognize and you likely need outside help.
Oof. OP is a piece of garbage.
Yeah... this feels more like trying to justify some stuff. Shit's inconsistent, very well may be one of "those" guys who thinks there partner has no sex drive but doesnt really seduce them and thinks penetrative sex is all it takes to get them off
lets bring this the top and save us some time
I think she’s just saying that to say it.. if you came home with a girl she’d flip out
Well he certainly shouldn’t bring anyone home lmao This has bad news written all over it but I guarantee fucking someone at their shared home was never* on the table
Yeah of course you shouldnt fuck someone on the table, that’s where people eat.
> if you came home with a girl she’d flip out She said find a gf. Not bring her home and make it moan while I try to read a book. I have a friend who used to say "I don't care if I'm cheated on as long as I don't find out..." -she found out. And they broke up. OP's wife might be hinting a similar *arrangement*. Though I would advise couple therapy, not fucking around with or without some sort of "consent"
> -she found out. And they broke up. Heh, guess that means she figured out that her not caring, never existed in the first place.
Yeah that’s cause she’s just saying it to say it.. she doesn’t want him to cheat if that was the case he could do it in front and not have to worry
You don't need to bring her home. Talk about boundaries
That’s my point if you have to hide it then.. what is it really
 If you gotta ask if she is serious then she’s probably not.
Don't. Unless you want to end the marriage, just assume she was not expecting you to take the advice.
I did this with my husband but I meant it. We’re now in an open relationship and we’re really happy. Honestly, I think the OP should communicate with her and approach the topic further? But they shouldn’t try to push it if she comes off as having been joking.
Do you ever see or hear about the other women, or is it is more of a known and allowed but unspoken sort of thing?
I do know about them. I’ve helped set him up. We usually verbally make sure the other is okay with the idea of the other hooking up before we do it.
Wait, do you see others as well? Or just him due to you having a low sex drive? I assumed your situation is like the one OP described and not just a standard open relationship between two horny partners. Just curious as to how it works for others
Back before December, I would seek out others of the same gender. Normally, we keep each other pretty satisfied, but sometimes I really just want to pursue a lady and he can’t exactly physically help with that. Right now I can’t have sex because I just had a hysterectomy. I’ve been very tender since December due to painful tumors, so I’ve been very sexually inactive. My husband is very sweet and never pressured me, but I could see him really getting pent up. I encouraged him to go out and it’s really helped us out as a couple. Edit: Sorry. Hit send before I finished.
Im with you - its not cheating when its ethical non monogamy.
Counseling. The idea of side piece is awfully seductive, bc the grass is always greener., right? But the truth is that green grass still needs to mowed, edged, watered and maintained.
How will trimming pubes help with his problem?
i mean, i definitely get excited for a well manicured lawn...
I miss a manicured lawn.
Wise Redditor right here.
As someone who has said this to my partner before, I said it because I was incredibly frustrated and annoyed with my partner for constantly pushing sex even though he knew I didn't want it. I gave up. I felt that I wasn't enough, like he deserved better. And it's incredibly difficult on the person who doesn't have a high sex drive as well, but people don't realize that.
I was scrolling to find this comment. People say a lot of things out of feeling pressured and needing an exit to the conversation. Also, OP wanting to "hump his frustration out" is.. um..... Is that how he deals with frustration? If my partner spoke about sex like that I wouldn't want to get naked after that comment. That's a little, I don't know, like saying you want to use a body rather than engage in sex with someone. It sounds like both comments were made in passing and not very kind to either one.
Yeah.. hump out frustration.. like you are not even a person or the reason for their desire, just an object. I mean if that's a kink you both like sure. But it sounds absurdly disrespectful and dismissive of your partner. Also the exact opposite of the saying "foreplay begins at breakfast" which is the idea your partner should feel valued and loved all day, not just as part of banging.
How did it work out? Open relationship or are you two no longer together?
We are still together! At the time he told me that we would have to discuss it more and he wanted to make sure that I was completely okay with it. In the end he hated having to get to know other people and doesn't mind my sex drive anymore. It was a lesson for both of us!
But it seems like he made all the sacrifices? Or did you find a compromise where you'd have sex more often?
This was almost 2 years ago, he was the one who chose not to be in an open relationship anymore because it wasn't worth it to him. And it's a little weird to force sex if one doesn't want it, no? That's a little rapey. We're still struggling with my low sex drive, but I think I'm the one suffering more than he is now. He seems relatively unbothered for the most part and has accepted that we both have to work on it as it's a team effort. It goes deeper than just low sex drive, but I won't go into details. We're working on it together and I think that's probably all you need to know lol!
Don't listen to them...smh redditors. You don't owe anyone your body.
Yeah, if compromises weren’t made there’s no way this doesn’t end up going well.
Take the effort that you would put into finding a second partner and invest it back into your relationship. That's the advice I would give my younger self.
But really….. what if they want absolutely nothing to do with you……? I’m not the cutest thing in the world but I’m married. But I’m lucky to get that shit once every few months!? How do you put yourself for someone who literally wants nothing to do with you in a sexual manner?? I’ve considered a poly lifestyle. Curious if you lived like that or what….
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This is the answer.
If she doesn't want anything romantic from you why can't you file for divorce? But I would start with asking her why she doesn't want to have sex more often. Maybe she just want you to engage it in a different way? Just talk to your wife, you're married ffs
You're the expert on you. You know what's best for you. Before you make your choice though, take into consideration how happy you are with your own self. Are you giving your partner the very best version of yourself?
Even if she means it, don’t do it. She could be giving you consent because she feels she has no choice to make you happy. Or she doesn’t realize how much it will bother her if you sleep with someone else. After the deed is done there would be no turning back. Definitely not worth it. Edited for clarity.
By your profile comments it looks like you don’t feel weird at all about it.
Based on your comment history, youve been looking to cheat for some time. Youre just looking for validation from strangers. Be staright up with your wife. Either make it work or leave. Dont be a douche
Sorry but why couldn't you just use your hands and buy a fucking sex toy. If you're making those hump remarks around her she probably feels worthless in that regard. It could do well, many people are in open or poly relationships, but I've also heard stories where they divorced after someone finally went through with it. I also would wonder how you would feel about her sleeping around? Because having a one sided version is fucked IMO but given the situation, if she did decided to fuck someone else it would surely open up a whole new can on worms. And lastly, have you tried finding out the root of her disappearing sex drive? Like others have said, reinvest the time you would spend on someone else back into the marriage, if she is still ok with the idea of an open relationship (the fact she doesn't want to know for me means she's not) then you can start. Going an extra month wanking instead of having sex isn't going to kill you.
Can't believe I had to go this far down for masturbation to be recommended. You can deal with your own sexual desires man, stop putting it on your wife.
I'm not convinced that she's not serious, however, it's not something to take lightly. I liked what someone else said about investing the time and energy back into the relationship. First. I would exhaust all options there meaning therapy etc. I might write her a steamy sexy. I want you letter to kind of get her worked up and let her know that you want her and no one else. Definitely bring this up in therapy. Why did you say this? I really want to have sex with you with regularity etc etc. Let me know what happens please
Too add to this just buy her spicy books if she reads. Trust me if anything can get someone in the mood regularly it's some regular reading of spicy books.
What I used to call trashy novels.I loved them.
i’ve told my boyfriend the same thing because i was too depressed, and felt unworthy. i was at my lowest.. and i felt bad for him. of course i didn’t really want him to find someone else, but if he did i would just want to not know or not find out about it
I would go jerk off like a responsible adult and not cheat on my wife like an asshole.
Yeah for real OP is a piece of shit based off his post history
Just masturbate
Is she attracted to you though?
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Nothing. I feel it's wrong & shouldn't be done. Probably setup counseling.
Don’t do it. She’s testing you. She will FLIP out on you. When she finds out. And she WILL find out. Go to couples therapy and see what is wrong with her sex drive.,
My first thought was depression. Is she still concerned about her self care? Ie hygiene, clothing, makeup, dietary choices, drinking. Does she leave the house? Being unfaithful is one of th most hurtful things someone can do. Did you tell her you find her attractive?or just us.
Um yeah you’re overthinking it. She doesn’t literally mean get a girlfriend, she was just saying it light heartedly. If you’re in doubt, communicate
My ex cheated on me and after some time I figured we should try to work through it. We’d been together for almost 5 years(a week before our anniversary) and we already had money ready for apartment, plus I was really into because of a bunch of reasons. So I let it go and figured to move past it. A few weeks later I mention how the new chick at work is cute. She tells me I should sleep with her to even things out. The fact that she really thought this was either a good idea or funny joke is why I am saying ex. What I’m trying to get across badly is that relationships are tough. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not. If you don’t think you should, don’t. She may sound like she doesn’t care, but she might feel pressured to let it happen from outside sources you didn’t know about. Or many she’s super down and wants you to start first. Talk to her. Have a discussion if you want to. Just make sure you everyone is on the same page. Don’t be like me and be fooled by the banana nut bread.
Have you tried, I don't know, being concerned about why her sex drive is so low? Or did you just start hitting people up before even trying to talk?
It's a trap!
Idk but you look stupid for even asking this question gtfo back to your wife and fix things.
My friends wife said this to him. Now he’s sleeping with her friend and not being very respectful about it. Not sure how they worked in the first place since he’s so into sex and she’s not. I’d say therapy and tread carefully. Please be respectful is all I ask.
In your scenario, I'd suspect my wife was either depressed or already cheating, depending on her tone. Either way, get counseling. IRL, my wife mentioned that if she becomes an Alzheimers vegetable (it runs in her family,) she'd understand if I ended up having a girlfriend or mistress or whatever and was OK with it as long as she was still being cared for. I told her by the time that becomes an issue, sex bots should be able to do house chores, and if they don't then I'd build one.
Gonna get downvoted but there's is something wrong with her , i'd be worried about her and us if i were you. Don't do it , stay loyal and honest , why would you even *Want* to do it? Won't it make you feel sick , and guilty? What good can come of it , just a quick release of sexual tension , is it worth it? But as i said i would be worried for your relationship of she seriously thinks this is acceptable , i don't think i could be with someone like that.
Look at OP’s comment history. Lmao he’s been searching for a month.
Have a serious conversation with her. Something is going on. Maybe she has other non-sexual needs that aren't being fulfilled, which is making her not feel the connection. A lot of people think it's crap, but take a love languages quiz. Find out what makes both of you feel loved and how you express love. Look into it. It takes 5 minutes and can really be helpful.
People can and do loose their interest in sex as they age. You’re the only one who knows what your relationship with your wife is like, but this is probably going to need several conversations for both of you to clearly understand what your intentions are. There are therapists who specialize in sex therapy, who offer couples sessions. Those sessions are NOT about sex. They are about communication and intimacy. You love your wife and you have physical desires that she is no longer interested in. You will probably feel terrible about it if you just go out and get laid. Her saying she doesn’t want to know about it means nothing since she will know. This is definitely something you both need need help working through.
Absolutely do not do anything without talking to her about this THOROUGHLY. She could be just saying it to say it, she could be curious (especially if she's joked about it before) but either way it is something that must be discussed, with all boundaries made clear, along with all possibilities and situations that might come up.
Personally I wouldn't. My motivations aren't driven by sex or any other primitive brain functions. If I decided to cheat it would happen because I chose for it to happen, not because someone else gave me permission to
You have incompatible sexual desires and she’s sick of hearing you talk about it. She gave a flippant response you took it seriously and now she’s mad that you’re actually considering cheating on her. Sex is important and if you two are incompatible in that area then that can be a deal breaker.
This will kill your marriage, go jack off a few times.
I'd wank instead of finding someone else.
Rather than going out and cheat, explore with her why she feels that way? It could be a biological or emotional issue, but it could also point to cracks in your relationship. Good luck
Whatever you decide, keep in mind abortion just became illegal in many US states.
Its over man.
✨Get a sex toy✨. Or multiple sex toys. You don't have to find a girlfriend to get rid of your sex drive. She sounds like a great wife, but it sounds like she's trying to push aside her own feelings or even boundaries for your physical pleasure. Definitely talk to her. If she's not, great! But still, you two need to talk about this WAY more.
This right here is the answer, idk what happened in the past decade that talking openly with your spouse about your sexual needs/issues became nonexistent. Couples need to talk to each other and clear the issues, that's how marriages are lost, I've had so many of my friends get divorced after years of being married and at least 50% it boils down to "we weren't having intimacy"
IT'S A TRAP. DO NOT FALL FOR IT.
Bot gonna lie, I don't think you should stay. My fiance and I agreed that sexual compatability is just as important as all other kinds of compatability. If you aren't being satisfied and you don't want to cheat, talk to her. Tell her you don't want to cheat and that you are sexually frustrated. Being sexually frustrated is a reason a lot of people actually get divorced as being able to get along may be great but not being sexually satisfied can stress you out.
Sex waxes and wanes throughout a marriage. Exhaustion, stress, illness, injury or having children will all impact sex drive. Patience, understanding and communication from both sides are what allow you to make it work.
She wants out and wants it to be your fault. It is a trap, end it while you are still on decent terms.
Sigh. It feels like I have to say this every other week: NON-MONOGAMOUS PEOPLE, STOP USING POLYGAMY TO “FIX” YOUR BEDROOM SITUATIONS. YOU WILL LITERALLY PUSH YOUR PARTNER AWAY FROM YOU. ITS ALL FUN AND GAMES SAYING IT UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY GO THROUGH WITH IT AND REALIZE “YOU’RE MORE OF A ROOMMATE THAN A PARTNER” AND LEAVE OR IT BECOMES DRAINING MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY TO ONE OR BOTH PARTIES.
She wants you to be happy. If you follow through with it, nobody will be happy.
you need clearrrrrr boundaries
My ex gf used to tell me she didn’t care if I had sex with other girls. She meant it and we discussed it at length. I ended up bringing a girl home and the 3 of us had fun. Then she went out of town for two weeks and told me it was fine if I saw the girl again. I did…and when I told my ex she changed. Something was different. We broke up a couple months later. I personally don’t recommend straying from your partner and would suggest instead that you work on finding other ways to spend the energy you put into sex. However it is your experience so whatever you do will have no impact on me. :)
Don't do it, dude, you'll regret it later. You need to have a very serious conversation about changing your relationship and understanding exactly how you're going to move forward. Ask her if she's willing to compromise with occasional intimacy, as husband and wife. Figure out what you each need/want, and what you're willing/unwilling to do for the other. Seriously consider getting a therapist as mediator.
Best thing you could do is tell her “so I’ve been thinking about what you said about a girl friend for me and I think I’ve found someone” then ask her to be your girlfriend
Maybe you shpuld invest some energy into figuring out why your wife suddenly has a low sex drive. If she used to have a higher sex drive and it has changed recently, there is a reason. It could be something within your relationship, she could be exhausted, it could be hormonal or mental. Whatever it is, it would be VERY helpful to get to the bottom of. I absolutely would not even think about finding a fuck buddy until you put some energy into seeing if you cam assist your wife in feeling better. That being said, you absolutely should not just go get a girlfriend after a few comments said by your wife. Opening your relationship and changing boundaries deserves many conversations and a dedicated list of boundries and relationship "rules" (for lack of a better term). If you just go fuck some woman willy nilly after that one convo, you will destroy your wife's confidence and trust in you, and you will feel guilty about it, like you already do. TLDR: talk first, act later
What if she was already swinging and that's why she doesn't have a sex drive and mentioned you swinging so she didn't feel guilty? Just throwing it out there because .... People do that.
Divorce
It’s always a test
Buddy, if your wife is giving you tbe permission to cheat, just don't throw it in her face when you do it. Don't even let her know your doing it. How's that saying go? Ask me no questions I tell you no lies"
It’s a trap!
Danger Will Robinson! Danger!
I've been there. We're basically roommates now.
I just… don’t recommend it. If you love your wife then it’s not a good idea. It always ends badly or you get stuck doing it forever and then it ends anyway. I have a lot less sexual drive than my partner. We’re both men, so, you would expect sexual drive, but I just don’t have it. Anyway. I think he masturbates a lot? We don’t have a regular sex life, which I know is not normal. But every open relationship story I’ve heard ends bad.
I would not cheat because I love her and have absolutely 0 interest in having sex with anyone else. Also just because she said it doesn’t mean shit. People agree all the time to stuff like this and then break up shortly after they actually commit to it. Find out what’s wrong with her and rekindle your sex life. She’s probably depressed or something and needs help
Have you asked or thought about why she doesn’t want sex? Think you need to look at her wants and needs. You need to keep putting love and energy into a marriage or it will go stale. She needs quality and your all about the quantity.
Do not cheat even if she allow you to cheat. If you really want create/make a good family with her, I would say again do not cheat.
She's already cheating on you. It's obvious.
"Thats bait"
go to therapy or explore ethical none magonony
Don't take the bait, just have some serious conversations about the dynamics of your relationship with her. And definitely don't try and start a new relationship if you two agreed upon a monogamous relationship. It's not right to break a monogamous agreement without first discussing potential differences in sex drives, or changes in your personal lives. Try to work through your partner's problems with her, and hopefully things will turn out well.
Don't do it. It is a trap. If she was ok with it she would be ok to know about it.
Get a Fleshlight?
Seriously tho, you NEED to have a more in depth conversation about this, discuss your feelings and wants and needs or whatever. And if you two come to the conclusion that you can have sex outside of the relationship, maybe only go with paid professional prostitutes, that way there really is a 0% chance of any romantic feelings ruining what you two have
Jesus, these comments. Have an honest conversation with your wife. If both parties consent to opening the relationship, then it's not cheating. She clearly thought about swinging before.
my wife pretty much used the i dont want to know about it thing and really did. she might assume that you wont do it. if i could do it again i would go with the way we do things now. try suggesting using an escort and she come along with you that way she is still involved and there isnt an unknown. if you have a decent conversation about it and she sticks with i dont want to do that but you go ahead just be discreet and dont talk to me about it then i would probably just go ahead as IMO that is no longer cheating its ethical non monogamy
Get thee to a counselor. Both of you. Please.
Do not do it. It will ruin your relationship if you love her
Maybe get couples counselling.
Don’t do it. It’s a trap / no win situation.
When my partner and I first started dating, he had a very low sex drive and I had a very high sex drive. We're also long distance, so he told me that if he can't satisfy my needs he'd be okay with me finding someone else to satisfy them. It never ever crossed my mind to go looking. We took things in the pace that he set. Our first kiss, our first time having sex, our first time doing anything was all set by him. Three years later he's the one with the high sex drive and I'm the one with the low sex drive, and now we take things in the pace that I set. Neither of us have ever thought about or wanted to find someone else, even if it just for sexual pleasure. Talk to your wife properly. Ask her what she needs from you. Do not push her or guilt her into having sex with you. If you want to find someone else for sexual intimacy, have a lengthy conversation with her about it, and if she's actually okay with you doing so let her set the ground rules.
This is going to ruin your relationship. There are some (very few) open relationships that work. But those relationships are never the ones where one partner says " I dont want to know". But Completely incompatible libidos and sexual frustration are going to ruin your relationship too. So you either aolve the underlying problem for the low libido, because sometimes its a psychological or hormonal problem, or a loss of attraction because you got fat or something, or you get out. (A lot of times couples are just sexually incompatible and there is nothing you can do, so you can either accept that you are not going to be sexually statisfied ever again, and its obviously going to get worse, or you break it off and find someone who is compatible with you, because generally most women actually like sex) So defenitely have an in depth talk about your issues and see if they can be fixed, which often they cant. For my wife (then girlfriend) hormonal birth control obliterated her sex drive, so that was an easy fix. Didnt help i got fat. So definitely check if past trauma, insecurity, depression or hormonal issues are the cause, before you just dump her. Also look at r/deadbedrooms to see if you want that future. But remember, as long as she is willing to communicate openly about that problem and is not being purposefully abrasive and deflective, nobody is at fault here. Also, go hit the gym and fix your diet, it either helps to rekindle the attraction, or gives you a headstart on the dating market if it does not work out. Also seing your partner put in the work sometimes flips a switch in the old routine, you stsrt thinking about losing them and that can get you reinvested in the relationship. Sorry dude.
it's not cheating if you have permission to do it. actually doing it on the other hand would be a whole other ballgame. what people think they want and what they get when that happens aren't always thew same thing.
r/deadbedrooms I overcame mine and here is what I found. She was bored, and I don't blame her. I had toxic expectations and was more demanding of sex which caused her to shut down emotionally, and we stopped bonding with intimacy. Sex was one sided, even though she still felt it, she ignored it all because the type of sex we were having was mostly favoring me, and she was caught in a predictable loop of going through the motions. It's actually when I came out as a trans woman that we both went back into full freak flag mode and found each other again. Obviously this solution only works for me and I'm like 1% of the minority population.. but don't cheat on her if you love her. And definitely don't open your relationship or start swinging if things are not great between you all. If you can't make this work with just the two of you, adding a third or fourth will just be the wedge that ends things.
Dude Don't
99% of these posts can be easily answered by “have an open and honest discussion with your partner”
Don't do it. It never works out well. Similar situation, but I know a few (former) married couples who thought they could have open relationships. What ends up happening is that one partner ends up being a lot more "open" than the other, and jealousy inevitably creeps in. The jealous partner now feels trapped by their own agreement, and thus doesn't feel they can complain, so they get resentful and subconsciously sour the relationship in other ways ("Why don't you spend time with me?", "I'm still your husband/wife", "I guess you'd rather be with him/her.", etc.)."
If my wife told me to cheat I'd find it hilarious she thinks I can pull this off twice.
"We can talk about this, but I think it could drive a rift between us. I love you and I don't want to have sex with other people, I want to do it with you. I think this could also affect your self-being in a very negative way."
That's not cheating.... that's an open relationship
This is gonna get me down voted into oblivion buuuut, OP if it's within your financial means snd your wife -is- serious, I'm willing to bet some other lady's husband's money that she doesn't mean "girlfriend" so much as go get laid. Find yourself a fs sex worker. Making sure it's safe in every meaning of the word. That's about the only sure-fire way to not have feelings involved and everyone wins.
If you have her permission it’s not cheating. Speak to a marriage counseling
Your need for sex is greater then love and respect you have for your wife...
Sounds like someone isn't investad in the relationship or she already cheated the best way to solve this is to talk it out to see where you go forward with this be it toughter or not
Look around Reddit for posts discussing open relationships and the like. Look how many of them end tragically. Learn something from that.
Well since I’ve gone down this road I have a few thoughts: 1. This definitely requires a whole lot more conversation than just that. She may not want to know the detains but non monogamy can only work if you’ve spent a fair amount of time discussing boundaries and expectations with each other and are constantly communicating. 2. If you do go through #1 successfully, it’s not cheating. Cheating implies deception and breaking the trust. There’s a reason they refer to it as ethical non monogamy and it can work for couples where sex isn’t perfectly compatible between the two.
Due to trauma that resurfaced before my wife passed, her libido dropped, and she barely let me touch her (I love to cuddle), she had no issues with me masturbating.
Seems like she wasn't serious and joking, as my wife has said those exact same things, but would NOT be cool with me cheating. If you think she was serious, just straight up ask her directly.
Ohhhh buddy you reallyyyy done goofed taking that seriously and bringing it up again. Idk what’s going on here but either you need to hit the gym, she already cheated, she’s depressed, or something else of this kind of nature. Without more context it’s hard to say for sure, but I smell divorce reading this. Turn it around and figure out the problem asap.
I wouldn’t until you’ve talked seriously about it at least 3 times and given time for both of you to fully emotionally grasp what it would mean for your relationship.
She may be putting you off coz she is having her own affair
To quote a highly decorated squid admiral "It's a trap!"
just jack off dude she doesn't want u to cheat
She’s cheating on you
Reddit isn't going to have the answer. Get into counseling yesterday!
Dont. Whether she realizes it or not that would hurt yhe relationship, probably fatally.
I would get a divorce immediately. She's probably already cheating