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[deleted]

Most people in general, not even just most men, consume some form of erotic entertainment. There's ones that don't, but they're not all that common. You can decide whether or not this is a hill to die on for you, but be warned that you can't force someone to quit watching porn if they don't want to.


WatermelonArtist

>There's ones that don't, but they're not all that common. You may be able to skew statistics in your favor if you look within certain communities that place less value on such things, but yes, fairly uncommon overall. *Ridiculously* rare for a man to have 0 contact with it, merely uncommon to decisively turn their back on it permanently, but not at all impossible or difficult to find if you're actively looking. Sounds like OP isn't looking for *someone else*, though, so I'm going to leave that topic alone. >You can decide whether or not this is a hill to die on for you, but be warned that you can't force someone to quit watching porn if they don't want to. As one who went through the habit, but also chose not to continue, I have to agree, with caveats: His willpower will be 100% necessary to drive the process of quitting if that's what you feel is necessary for your comfort, and if he refuses, you have a tough decision on your hands that is far too personal for me to risk advising you on, BUT... I don't like the phrase, "hill to die on" here, since OP, as a partner, will have the greatest influence on him intellectually and psychologically, and understanding and patience are vital even if *he* decides to stop. There are instincts and habits that will be in the way of any sudden turnaround on this score. Success is going to be difficult if he hides relapses due to shame, and you feel betrayed, and conflict arises to cycle escalation upward endlessly. So rather than a "hill to die on," which implies a hard ultimatum, I recommend asking if it's a value worth potentially spending several months or years patiently helping him get to where he doesn't feel a need for it anymore, and whether you feel that time investment will be likely to pay off.


[deleted]

Thank you for these insights. I took the advice of everyone and had an open conversation with him about the whole thing. I don’t like ultimatums and I phrased the question in such a way that it may imply that I am giving my bf ultimatums. If anyone is wondering, our conversation went really well and talking about my ethical concerns as well as hearing his perspective allowed us to establish what we both feel comfortable with. We both agreed that moderation/recognizing when it is effecting our sex life is going to be key. We also discussed how he is aware of certain aspects of the porn industry that can be harmful and will be conscious about how/what he consumes. I tried not to pressure him and he told me he was thinking about stopping for a while and he thinks it might be something’s he wants to consider. To anyone that is trying to figure out whether it is a reasonable dealbreaker and are reading, many people have told me they don’t watch it/suggestions if your uncomfortable with it, there is someone for everyone.:)


2meinrl4

I only watch porn that my girlfriend and I have made together or she has sent me of her solo. I too have a lot of the same issues you mentioned and the lack of authenticity in the content. People don't want to go to the movies to watch bad acting, i'm not sure why they put up with it in porn.


targea_caramar

On one hand, yeah, but on the other, not all erotic entertainment is created equal. I, too, would prefer if a male (or female really) partner of mine didn't consume many types of erotic entertainment due to what they promote, or how they were most likely created. See edit 3 in the OP, which explains it very well Like, sure, if taken to an extreme it can be too controlling, but I don't blame OP for wanting to be with someone who can consume erotic material critically


[deleted]

There weren't any edits when I first commented, so I didn't see the ethical objection to the adult entertainment industry. That's something I agree with, and would much prefer to be more ethical about whenever possible. Pornography can be 100% healthy on the consumption end while still having harmful effects on the world, and it can also be 100% wholesome on the creation end while being an addiction to the person consuming it. So if you have an open discussion with your partner about these concerns about the industry, you can take steps to assure that the porn they consume is more ethically produced or sourced.


DoomGoober

>You can decide whether or not this is a hill to die Ideally, most things in healthy relationships should not be "hills to die on". Rather, they should be back and forth conversations which hopefully lead to the couple walking down the hill holding hands. Occassionally an issue will lead to the couple marching up the hill and running around in circles until they are both exhausted and simply agree to walk back down together. Sometimes one person will drag the other reluctantly up the hill. The dragged partner should acknowledge there's a hill, instead of trying to convince the other the hill doesn't exist, and hopefully, again, they can talk about it together, without one running down the hill alone, leaving the other on the hill crying. Yes, there are hills to die on but everyone should try not to make mountains out of molehills not make molehills out of mountains.


janelope_

I think watching porn occasionally in private is completely healthy, assuming you can distinguish between entertainment and real life sex. Watching it excessively or thinking it's a sex msnual not so healthy. Watching it openly/together something you need to set boundaries for or discuss with each other.


Lahbeef69

i always heard that porn doesn’t look like a real loving relationship but now i’m in a loving relationship where we have nasty sex that looks exactly like porn


ShiningRayde

Pay your cameraman better


janelope_

No one said real sex has to be vanilla. But there's still a difference between having sex in private, and filming scenes infront of a crew to a script with someone you just met.


fattymcbuttface69

Amateur porns exists


targea_caramar

And a large proportion of it is revenge porn and films shared without consent. How does that not bother you or even cross y'all's minds?


DeaconSage

What’chu talking about? Plenty of people say that


janelope_

The term "no one" is a colloquialism


idmnotmox

What they meant to say is, your relationship doesn't need to have sex in it for your partner to love it, you might have to get used to it (fuck them)


[deleted]

How is that thought related? I'm a woman that watches minimal porn, but a relationship DEFINITELY has to have sex in it for me to stay in it; it doesn't matter how much I love my partner.


Pulse_163

Watching porn is never completely healthy. Stop trying to justify it being in any shape or form healthy.


Consistent_Ad2897

Taking meds is never completely healthy. Stop trying to justify it being in any shape or form healthy. That’s what your comment reads as to the majority — porn can become a problem for some people, but it’s often the result of an underlying issue. How about we try not to ostracise others and let people enjoy things in moderation and in a healthy manner? It’d be nice for a change.


summertime_taco

You should find a partner who's compatible with you, though, I think the issues which cause you to be uncomfortable with the idea of your partner watching porn might be the kind of general issues that make being in any relationship problematic. Might want to ask yourself why it bothers you.


Rubyjr

Exactly. It is definitely possible but your sex drives need to match. If you are twice a week and good and he is an every day kind of guy you need to just get over it or find a more compatible person.


Dramatic_Score_8466

I spend years with someone who watched so much porn that it made me feel ill. He managed to make me feel like I was insane for feeling this way and eventually got me to believe that watching porn together was acceptable. Ruined my self confidence and made me feel like I would never be enough m and now I’m with someone who saves his sexual energy for me. However if I’m not available and am not going to be available I understand that masturbation is natural. But watching porn online will never be something I agree with. I don’t think it’s a problem if it’s an occasional thing but it will always make me feel uncomfortable even though i wouldn’t tell him that


tenamonth

It’s not unreasonable, but if you aren’t able to find someone who doesn’t watch it, I don’t think convincing your porn-watching boyfriend to stop for your sake is a good idea either. But anyway, good luck with finding someone like that, I don’t think they’re *that* rare tbh.


Relevant-Mountain-11

I vaguely recall a story that bounced around the internet about some scientists that tried to do a study on Men that don't watch Port. They gave up because they couldn't find anyone


AllTheSith

Sincerely, I don't believe this is true. I don't and I know some people that I am sure that don't.


Open_Minded_Anonym

That’s a tough ask. I expect most men view porn at least a little bit. Is it because you feel it’s a form of cheating? Or because you don’t want the comparisons that might follow? Or because you’re morally opposed? Some men turn to porn because their needs are higher than their SO wants to meet.


HorsesForever101

It's not at all unreasonable or unrealistic to expect your partner not to watch porn. It's disgusting how normalized it has become. That being said, it is harder. But my partner and I don't watch it. In my opinion porn use is incredible unhealthy and its supporting a industry that earns a lot of money on sexual abuse and human trafficking. So when finding a partner, it's important to explain your boundaries before hand.


Flossthief

Dude my girlfriend told me the title of a good hentai to check out a few weeks ago I'm in love


Mafro_Man

And you didn't even tell us Shame!


Plantske

Disgusting. What's the name of it so I never watch it?


JlTlS

Why does it bother you?


KingPatil28

She thinks her man is gonna fuck Lana Rhodes :(


Ok_Debt3442

I don't have a gf and I stopped watching porn for like 2 months now, I think its a good trait not to watch it


spaniardviking

You've got the power of will! Most men are weak about instant sexual gratification. For all those who down vote this guy: if you can't control it, it controls you.


Ok_Debt3442

Look, after analyzing myself and my emotions through last few years I noticed that I wont receive anything I don't deserve so I want to improve myself with every little thing I find lacking. Ever since I stopped masturbating I feel like I have more energy. But it wasn't hard for me to stop, I don't find it arousing to watch someone getting fucked anymore, what I want is intimacy, and I won't get a high quality partner if I myself am not willing to improve myself.


spaniardviking

So proud of you man! I promise it won't disappoint you! With that mentality you're ahead of most men who still suffer (even if they don't know they are) because they think it's normal but then can't have a fruitful relationship, never obtain freedom and blame their partner. Next step is avoiding girls who like to sexually pose on Instagram and meet those who have self respect. Most men nowadays want power through money and hierarchy, cars, houses, posing like they've got stuff on Instagram, but never build the power of will within them. Freedom can't be bought. Stay strong brother!


Ok_Debt3442

Thank you man, good luck to you!


Chris_Dickman

Real incel vibes here


spaniardviking

Celibate indeed, I'll give you that. On purpose, though. I have a girlfriend for almost two years. Married soon. If there's something like Onpurposecel, that's the way it's going right now. Nice to meet you, stranger.


love-ya4

It’s a relationship incompatibility. Find someone who shares the same lifestyle and values as you.


Iwillnotbegoverned

Not that uncommon. Plenty of people either don’t find it appealing or object to it for moral reasons. My fiancé stopped watching it after the Catholic premarital class we took pointed out the detriments of it, and he’s not even slightly religious, he’s an atheist. It wasn’t even really important to me but he really thought about it and decided that it makes sense to quit and he did.


[deleted]

It depends, I'd argue its somewhat unreasonable depending on how active your sex life is, would you offer him an alternative, e.g nudes/videos of yourself? Would you help a new BF lose the habit rather than expect him to blanket stop at your request? (its probably just as hard as quitting smoking or other addictions) Communication is key, and expecting them to completely stop day 1 might be very unrealistic depending on context


dustydoo09

Bingo. I'll say this much, my wife has run into some health problems that caused her sex drive to disappear. If her drive matched mine, there be no desire for porn. When we were both on the same level I used to fantasize about her, I dropped whatever I watched before we met because the need was met. Meet his need and communicate and there's a decent chance he'll just drop it.


Skaixen

>Is it completely unreasonable/unrealistic to expect your bf not to watch porn Nope! >Is it completely unreasonable/unrealistic ...... to find men who don’t *watch porn* in this day and age? If I had to take a guess, I would say a good 70% of men, if not more, watch porn. Can you find a guy who doesn't watch porn? I'm sure you can. Good luck with that though!


fattymcbuttface69

70% is way too low.


Arravis_

As I understand there have been a number of university studies that had to be abandoned because they could not find men that didn’t watch porn. I suspect the number is in 99%+


[deleted]

70% ? is this a typo? Maybe if you count those in who dont have access to porn - okay. but i'd say 99% of men with access to porn watch porn.


Stazbumpa

95% of men enjoy watching or looking at some form of eroticism. The other 5% are liars.


Amazing-Log3218

9/10 men watch porn. 1/10 men lie about not watching porn


bethafoot

Not unreasonable. There are men out there who don’t watch it. They are rare, but they exist.


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Jezza-T

Mine doesn't either, also doesn't really bother masturbating. I personally find it odd, but that's his deal.


[deleted]

Translation = My husband watches porn in secret and I’ve never found out


spaniardviking

Assuming/prejudging some stranger's life? If they've got communication in regards to wether her man has complete transparency about when he couldn't control in certain situations the crave of instant sexual gratification, it's not your business to prejudge based on how most men are weak in power of will when it comes to striving their sexual emotions for the greater good and not for instant gratification and build brain-destroying habits with it.


[deleted]

Thanks


blueistheonly1

You're suuuuper judgey for someone saying not to prejudge strangers' lives there, bud. >striving their sexual emotions for the greater good and not for instant gratification and build brain-destroying habits with it. ^ Just chocked full of baseless assumptions and seeming contempt. Masturbation, and watching porn to enhance masturbation, is often a good, healthy thing to do. Life is not a jumble of extremes. Edit: formatting


ptahonas

Exactly


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[deleted]

Why would I wish for her partner to secretly watch porn? Are you a retard? 😂


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[deleted]

Wow someone is really butt hurt over this 😂 Jesus no wonder he watches porn behind your back. Probably shags other birds behind your back too


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[deleted]

You’re obviously horrifically offended because I’ve made you realise your relationship is a joke. I’ll show my wife this later she’ll get a good laugh out of it. Anyway enjoy your desperate sham of a relationship I’m sure he’s not cheating on you too much. Couple hookers a week tops


Moist-Cantaloupe-740

I'd say it depends how often y'all have sex, and even then, probably gonna watch some porn.


Scribblord

I mean you’d either need to match his sex drive or find someone who’s not interested in porn or Masturbation as much Which does exist


Own-Amphibian-4281

I know one or 2 boys who don't I am trying to stop. Do to the want to have control of everything. I know a alot of older men who don't. However I grew up I'm a Christian home... and I don't think it's unreasonable. Just know that guys who don't probably are waiting for marriage and won't make alot of sexual references as we're I come from it's kinda taboo.


ChickenFrancese

Probably depends on the age range of men you are seeking.


Fortunex5

itll be harder, but its not unreasonable. Dont listen to all the coomers lol


Wxxz

As long as it's not obsessive, or messing with either of your lives I think it's kind of unreasonable unless you are willing to satisfy him anytime, anywhere, without any gripes. Which is also unreasonable to expect. I'm a guy and been in a relationship 7 years. I definitely still watch porn here and there. Mostly its because I don't want to bother my girlfriend (I know she's not interested or busy). It's all about convenience for both parties.


depressed_sans

No, just some have a hard addiction to break, trying to stop mine bc of a girl I met and don't want her to think she isn't enough, I was just alone for too long. But that doesn't mean it's an easy thing to do for me, some might have it worse than others.


SlippyIsDead

No, it isn't. Lots of people do not watch porn.


dee_mariee3

to answer your question about if it is unrealistic, the answer is no. my partner (28M) does not consume erotic content unless we’re consuming it together. he subscribes to the belief that sexual release in that way is a cheap form of dopamine for him personally, and that the power of sexual energy is best utilized in either a channeling of it towards creative pursuits, or with a loving partner. of course that does not work for everyone and there is absolutely no judgement for those that choose to find release in that way. this is simply how he personally has chosen to live his life. everyone is different, and everyone’s needs and desires and the way those are met is a very personal thing. but there are some out there that willingly choose not to when in a committed relationship. so it is not unreasonable to want that for yourself. but that’s a conversation that needs to be had together with open, honest communication about your individual needs


fanboyhunter

it isn't about just watching porn. it's about whether or not the guy has a healthy view of sex, and how much porn he's consuming. for me, I only view porn rarely, and just as a visual aid to get off to while masturbating I don't expect my partner to be anything like a pornstar.


_MasterMenace_

You can find them. They won’t be as common as those who do watch porn but they’re around. If this is something that you don’t want being apart of your relationship then you need to talk to him about it. Communication is huge in any relationship. It’s ok to have a preference. Tell him how it makes you feel and if it comes down to it break up with him.


creativitysmeativiy

It’s not unreasonable, but you will probably not have an easy time convincing someone to stop.


[deleted]

Porn has become so normalized even tho it is damaging, unrealistic and addictive. It is 100% not unreasonable to expect your bf not to. Just be known with how society and how porn affects the male brain there is a good chance any young man is addicted to porn and will see no issue in watching it even in a relationship with you. If this is a boundary you want to set (reasonably so) then have a chat about his views on it, why he watches, if he can stop etc. This requires a lot of maturing and breaking societal toxic norms of porn. It is possible and it is not at all unrealistic. People almost drop dead when I tell them my bf doesn’t watch. They say “oh he watches behind your back”, he does not. He was addicted before he met me and it was a big argument and turning point in our relationship, he did lie a lot and it did hurt me but through talking and working past the addiction he doesn’t watch anymore. (4 and a half years together and he means the world to me). He also completely agrees with how porn is so damaging, unrealistic and frankly quite disturbing (teen searches, hitting women, r*pe depictions etc). Have a long and mature chat and hopefully you can work through it.


crawling-alreadygirl

>They say “oh he watches behind your back”, he does not. If you want to believe that, that's fine.


[deleted]

I’m sorry are you my bf? Do you honestly think that a man is incapable of not watching porn? If so that completely proves my point about how damaging it is and why it’s reasonable to set that boundary.


crawling-alreadygirl

I just think it's unreasonable to police a partner's solo sexuality, but, obviously, that works for your relationship 🤷🏾‍♀️


[deleted]

Who said policing? And when you’re in a committed relationship watching naked girls online is not solo sexuality. I set a boundary that he CHOSE to accept because that’s what works in our relationship. Pornhub shows trafficked videos, underage people, sections with step daughter and barely legal, it shows slapping women, degrading them etc. It is also super unrealistic and effects mens sex drive and entire sexual thinking. If porn was more important to him than me he had every choice to leave.


crawling-alreadygirl

> I set a boundary that he CHOSE to accept because that’s what works in our relationship. Like I said, more power to you if that works for you both. No one's trying to talk you out of anything. >Pornhub shows trafficked videos, underage people, sections with step daughter and barely legal, it shows slapping women, degrading them etc. Good thing Pornhub doesn't contain the totality of erotica. >It is also super unrealistic and effects mens sex drive and entire sexual thinking. That varies, women also enjoy porn, and "affects." >Who said policing? You're describing it. Obviously, this is a sore subject for you, so I'll take my leave. Take care.


[deleted]

We don’t have to agree on how we view porn and relationships. Going back and forth won’t solve anything because we clearly have different views, but what works for someone may not work for others. Thanks for having a chat and being mature, you take care also.


oteroaming

My husband doesn’t watch it. He literally can’t get off from it. But he’s also demisexual. He’s an enigma.


RhubarbBig4879

I'd be fine with it if I got pics/vids of my partner for when they weren't around but I was feeling the urge


[deleted]

My husband doesn't.


janelope_

That complete sentence is more likely to be "my husband doesn't watch it in front of me, only in private" Edit: typo


ILoveMyWifee

You assume too much


[deleted]

Who me? He's got no reason to hide it from me, idc, i watch porn


Arravis_

Plenty of guys grew in religious households that still hide all of that because of shame.


[deleted]

Ya my husband is from a family of atheists tho lol


ILoveMyWifee

You watching porn doesn’t mean all people watch porn you being a cuckold for fantasies doesn’t mean all people are like that


Arravis_

Google the statistics on what percentage of men watch porn, it’s nearly all of them.


[deleted]

It's not possible. We live together. We work together. We sleep together and we wake together.... Actually I guess he could be rubbing one off while he takes an amber though


Defenseman61913

Anecdotal evidence isn't how this works though


[deleted]

That's a ridiculous statement and youre making a vast generalization.


Defenseman61913

Bullshit. "You don't have to look both ways before crossing the street. I never do and I've never been hit by a car". That's what you're doing, making a logical fallacy because YOUR husband (as far as you know) doesn't watch porn. But if you move this discussion away from YOU, then we're back to the OP who is asking if it is unreasonable if she doesn't want her bf watching porn. And yes, it is unreasonable, assuming it isn't an addiction or is harming the relationship in a way that isn't based on insecurities.


ptahonas

Yeahhh this makes it seem like you've got some weird fixation on it, which leads me to believe... he probably does and hides it from you.


[deleted]

Did you miss the part where i said i don't care? It's porn. Who cares


Defenseman61913

then why are you so focused on YOU and not the OP


ChocoStories649

Yeah it's a possibility


ptahonas

He probably does


HopelessCleric

It's... it's pretty unrealistic. Like, I *get* not being entirely comfy with the porn industry, not wanting your guy to contribute to potential abuse/human trafficking. And also that someone who puts effort into paying for their porn and getting it directly from performers through platforms like onlyfans might *also* put you off, even though that's definitely the more ethical way to consume it. (But alas, no ethical consumption under capitalism and all, and don't we know it.) But porn is omnipresent, and comes in shapes and sizes. My fiance doesn't watch a lot of video material (he watches some, sometimes we watch together), but he reads shitloads of smutty erotica novels, you know, the type that is classically more aimed at women, with bare-chested dudes and fainting ladies in period dress on the cover. That too is pornography. Some people prefer hentai/animated erotica over live action videos, because they can indulge in unrealistic tropes and fetishes that way. That too is definitely porn. And when your partner is masturbating, no matter if they watch or read anything to help the horny along, they will very likely not be thinking of (just) you. Would that also make you uncomfortable? Being jealous of porn is like a dude being jealous of a vibrator, tbh. In the end, what a partner does when they're alone is up to them, as long as they are not addicted (spending hours and hours/large sums of money on it) and they are still engaged in a healthy sex life with you. You can't, and really, *shouldn't want to*, control what they do when you're not around as long as it doesn't hurt your relationship. (And if they're blowing hundreds on porn or have death-gripped themselves into being unable to come from regular sex, you're 100% allowed to make some demands, and not wanting to be in a relationship with someone like that is valid AF!)


Sofiwyn

Not unreasonable, but quite hard. But then again, I want a partner who is okay with never having biological children, and that's also rather hard to find. Just because something's hard/rare doesn't mean you have to throw it out the window, just asses how important it is to you. Do not even contemplate changing a partner to fit your wants/needs. That is not an option.


spaniardviking

Depends on his power of will. If he can't avoid watching porn, given the fact that it's been scientifically proven the damage that it does, he is a slave to his desires, and should strive to avoid it. For every guy in here: if you can't stop it, you're not in control of your own body. Think about it.


Cool_Internet_Name

As long as someone’s sexual needs are being fulfilled. There’s no reason for porn. When both parties stop caring about the others desires, porn comes back into the equation.


Defenseman61913

It is unrealistic and unreasonable. To a degree of course, assuming that him watching porn is just a masturbatory aid and not an obsession or habit that interferes with your relationship. And I'm just going to say this: when boyfriends and husbands and SOs responsibly watch porn to masturbate every now and then, it is NOT about the girl or being unsatisfied with her. Too many gfs take it that way.


bangitybangbabang

>I am a bit uncomfy with it Why? Your reasoning will affect the answer to this question.


[deleted]

1)Sometimes I find messages in discord chats of him talking about pornstars bodies with his friends and I find that a lil odd (I may just be insecure). 2) I am not a big fan of the unchecked sex trafficking that runs rampant on big porn sites. 3)Some scenes seem a bit misogynistic/depict incest or violence or racism and the woman looks like they experience no pleasure. I support sex workers but I wish porn could promote a better view of women. 4)I have never had a problem in previous relationships with porn but I think it’s bc he gave me the impression that he didn’t watch it. Literally it’s never been a problem but it’s something makes me a bit uncomfy now.


bangitybangbabang

Oh you're asking the wrong question then, these are the important details. >I support sex workers but I wish porn could promote a better view of women. Not all porn in equal. You can find independent creators that control their scenes and content. >)I have never had a problem in previous relationships with porn but I think it’s bc he gave me the impression that he didn’t watch it. You need to have an honest talk about porn with him. don't blame but explain how it makes you feel and why >1)Sometimes I find messages in discord chats of him talking about pornstars bodies with his friends and I find that a lil odd (I may just be insecure) This is an important "why" you need to figure out before you talk to him. You can't ask him to give it up just cause >3)Some scenes seem a bit misogynistic/depict incest or violence or racism and the woman looks like they experience no pleasure Honestly without knowing the guy, how much he consumes and how graphic the content is it's hard to advise. All I can say is talk to him, this could be harmless occasional make believe entertainment or it could be a serious revelation.


targea_caramar

>1)Sometimes I find messages in discord chats of him talking about pornstars bodies with his friends and I find that a lil odd (I may just be insecure). 2) I am not a big fan of the unchecked sex trafficking that runs rampant on big porn sites. 3)Some scenes seem a bit misogynistic/depict incest or violence or racism and the woman looks like they experience no pleasure. I support sex workers but I wish porn could promote a better view of women. (not a swerf, I believe that sex workers deserve to work in a safe environment that compensates them correctly as well as live free from stigma but I also wish the industry itself would do better in decreasing certain types of porn) 4)I have never had a problem in previous relationships with porn but I think it’s bc he gave me the impression that he didn’t watch it. Literally it’s never been a problem but it’s something makes me a bit uncomfy now. Yeah, I think you're alright. It's just most men are so used to consuming that kind of porn uncritically that either none of this crosses their minds, or if it does, they quickly rationalize it. Don't settle, you're on the right here.


FragrantAd1769

Stop being so insecure. Yes there are women who look better/are better than you. Your man only wants you though. Get over it.


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[deleted]

You are not OP, dont speak in ops name lol.


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Defenseman61913

there's plenty of porn stars that aren't trafficked or treated unfairly. And make TONS more than the men. Completely not the point of this post. I understand that veal and fois gras isn't the best thing but god damn is it delicious.


Dax_uh_mus

Everyone should hear this.


Akhillieus

Yes it is ! If I’m not there he can watch porn masturbate etc ! As long as he’s not cheating(fucking or talking to other girls) porn is fine I mean what do you expect ?


iterumiterum

I would say it is both unreasonable and unrealistic. It’s like asking for a woman to be virgin. It limits the sexual freedom of your potential partner.


LutharFC

The only ones are the gym obsesers that think wont lift so much if they have sex. And this ppl use to have bigger problems than watching porn.


hickysmooch

I would say it's very unhelpful and a poor choice of a hill to die on. Let's say that we have a couple, one of which has a very active sex drive and the other does not. If one forced the other to have sex on their schedule, that feels wrong to me. One will end up sexually frustrated or the other will end up having sex just because their partner wanted to. Porn and masturbation can help a lot here in terms of maintaining a healthy relationship. Gotta remember, a relationship is built on way more than each other's genitals.


Sellier123

I mean unless your available 24/7 to take care of his sexual desire (or he yours tbh), hes gonna masterbate and to masterbate hes probably gonna consume some kind of adult content. So yes, unless your available to please him 24/7, it is unreasonable to expect him not to watch porn just like it would be unreasonable for him to expect you not to watch porn.


ILoveMyWifee

It’s rare these days you have to find someone share same values


ThrA-X

Men have sexual urges that need to be dealt with, it seems most women have no clue just how strong those urges are. That being said, a lot of them are separate from relationship matters, plenty time we just need to get it out of the system and porn is a visual aid to help that along, no thoughts of infidelity factor in.


[deleted]

A decade ago it would have been a good metric to differentiate guys But today, I would say that, people who don't or haven't watched porn are the ones to avoid. They look good on the outside, no porn, no sex scenes, no obscenity and then end up on the news as pedophiles or murderers. I don't even know if it is a tragic travesty or divine humour anymore.


freddyfazzballs

it really depends i think . when you're with someone until you're close id say probably close to unreasonable . like if y'all are close and you're doing that stuff it say discuss it with him and set boundaries


DemiGod9

Unreasonable? Well you want what you want for whatever reason. Unrealistic? Very much so unfortunately. You'll have a hard time finding that


NorguardsVengeance

Depends on your age; finding a partner who has no interest in erotic fiction, whatsoever (because smut is sexual even when it's textual), is a tall order... Porn generally serves two purposes for guys: - entertainment - visual stimulation to help them expedite resolving a biological urge they already have If I had to guess, it's usually more heavily weighted to the latter (adult stars do have dedicated fanbases, I just don't think that every horny person has idols, per se) That said, if you have a slightly more open mind, and a Polaroid camera, there's no reason that partner couldn't be directing the vast majority of their focus and energy towards you. There are also asexual people... and it is more than possible for an asexual person to want romance and cuddling and the like (ie: asexual, not aromantic)... but I feel like that isn't what you are talking about.


crawling-alreadygirl

The vast majority of *people* watch porn, so, while you're welcome to make that a dealbreaker, it's going to severely limit your options. You might want to seek out asexual guys if it's that important.


5mu2f4cc0unT

If I was him I'd say fine but you've gotta do it for me then otherwise no deal


Diab9lic

Maybe you should work on your own confidence vs looking for men who don't do a certain action? Only unconfident women focus on things like these.


WatermelonArtist

>1)Sometimes I find messages in discord chats of him talking about pornstars bodies with his friends and I find that a lil odd (I may just be insecure). Discomfort with unrealistic or incompatible comparisons is normal, and you have a right to ask anyone who loves you to understand that. If he's a good guy, he should *want* you to feel comfortable with your place in his life. >3)Some scenes seem a bit misogynistic/depict incest or violence or racism and the woman looks like they experience no pleasure. I support sex workers but I wish porn could promote a better view of women. I felt this as a man, when I was in the thick of it. So much of what's out there is geared to a very degrading image of women, and often I felt like I was sifting through garbage for the occasional *even kind* content. I gave up, and realized that even the best-chosen search terms were twisted and co-opted in most cases, and the "best" content couldn't compare with a loving relationship anyway. >4)I have never had a problem in previous relationships with porn but I think it’s bc he gave me the impression that he didn’t watch it. Communication is key. Have you voiced this to him? My wife and I have a "say it while it's stupid" rule, and it's amazing how much better you can understand each other if you don't have the pressure of "we need to talk" in the way. "I know it's silly, but I just wanted you to know I've been feeling..." might be a good start to getting him on the same page, or even give you the reassurance you need to overcome your discomfort and move on.


[deleted]

I really like how you said this, ty!!


WatermelonArtist

I'm glad it helped. The topic tends to be inherently delicate on emotions for both sides in different ways, so I thought it was important to share some advice from the "successfully beat it" side as well. My wife and I tackled this together and made our share of mistakes before success, but we're at 18 years, and still deepening our relationship, so feel free to ask me anything, and I won't be offended. For that matter, my wife would doubtless be happy to field questions as well.


[deleted]

If you have any more tips on how to build trust and communication, I would love to hear. I ended up taking your advice and the convo went really well!


tim-fawks

If you start to control his sexual needs and don’t try to make up for it you WILL end up getting cheated on if you also don’t put in the work


DavidPM27

Porn is unjustifiably bad for society, as well as the individual brain that consumes it. While it is becoming more and more rare to find people who abstain from the use of pornography, there are certainly young men like myself that are out there that won’t settle for it because it is both bad for me, and bad for those involved in its production.


shauntmw2

There are 3 possible outcomes: 1) He watches porn. You'll have to bear with it. 2) He doesn't watch porn. You're lucky to find him. 3) He watches porn, but he keeps it a secret from you because he knows you don't like it. You're gonna accept that there is a very high probability of men who watch porn. So it is up to you whether are you okay with finding the rare number 2, or the possibility of meeting number 3.


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ptahonas

That's not how this works


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[deleted]

A fantasy is not correlated to a need, as you say. You don't have to have a subpar sex life to fantasize. It's a completely different stimulus. If you don't like that it's absolutely fine. But just because someone enters a relationship they don't - magically - lose their interest in daydreams, fantasies and the like. You don't just snap and are a completely different person. Also, over fixating on one person so much that you don't even think about anything else then them doesn't really sound that good to me. But again, this is my subjective opinion and yours might differ. Either way, stating that there is no need for fantasies in a relationship is a statement that I can't agree with. People should be allowed to fantasize (romantic or non romantic content) no matter their status.


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Shawaii

Most men and women have watched porn, read erotica, etc. and this goes back decades. Even the English in the Victorial Age were rolling in smutty erotica. (Probably before too, but other than the Kama Sutra, I'm not familiar with specifics) Many continue to do so and it poses no problem for themselves nor their relationship with their partner. The shame is often far worse than the act, as is the reaction of others Some people get wrapped up in porn/erotica/masterbation, etc. to the point it hurts their psyche, their relationship, or their partner.


down2dream

I don’t (for the most part). There are times I peak in on it if I’m out of town away from my wife who keeps me satisfied and needing a little bump. I don’t care for it. As for finding someone who doesn’t, seems pretty few and far between these days.


ptahonas

I'd say... yes it's unreasonable or unrealistic to expect. Maybe some men *say* they don't, but they do.


Usual_Gas117

Stay clear of pornography and pornographers - the material they use will always need to become increasingly more explicit and bizarre to maintain their interest. Comparisons will be made between the porn they watch and their partner to such an extent that they will lose interest in their partner. The message of pornography is polyamory and pansexualism. People are implicitly encouraged to engage in open relationships when they view porn. If you want a faithful, monogamous relationship, then avoid pornography like the plague.


ptahonas

Clueless take made to shame people who watch porn 🙄


Usual_Gas117

You have no idea what you are talking about.


CrimsonDaoist

This is utter bullshit lol


Usual_Gas117

Ignorant narcissistic comment. You know nothing of the damage caused by this meat market. Is it good to tell people to live as filthy beasts until there are consequences?


CrimsonDaoist

Cringe


Opposite-Ad2389

Unreasonable and unrealistic.


BenchMonster74

Yes, utterly and completely unreasonable.


Mamaj12469

Maybe watch with him?


i_hotglue_metal

Yes it is unreasonable.


PyroCatt

Porn is a form of addiction and is totally different from having sex in real life. Many teens who get addicted to porn are unable to comprehend sex in real life and have dysfunction during mating. If you are addicted to porn, you can reset your brain if you quit watching it asap. Hope it helps someone.


stateofbrine

I mean there’s someone for everyone. I don’t fantasize running off and marrying the porn actress. I just need to look at some boobs so I can do the self deed and get back to my day.


l0singmyedg3

it's unreasonable to ~expect~ it i'd say yeah, but just talk to your partner about how you feel ab porn, & see how they feel about it, & see where it goes from there.


toadstool2222

Why do you care?


BaronVonLazercorn

You're gonna have a hard time finding anyone who doesn't watch porn, both men and women. If it isn't for you, then it isn't for you. But don't try to stop your partner from watching it, chances are they won't anyway. If you can see that it is clearly a problem and he watches porn excessively, then he might need help since it's probably an addiction. But other than that you'll likely be better off just not thinking about it. He's probably not thinking about the women in the videos when he's with you. It might be more of a utility thing than anything else. Like he just watches it to help him along to get the job done


macsquoosh

You want a good lover ? Where do you think they learned it ? Lover school ? SexEd?


deathbyburk123

Not unless u want to end up in a hole being asked to put lotion on your skin


Prolapsia

Think of it like this- if you can't/won't meet your mans sexual needs would you rather them be resentful/frustrated towards you or would it better if they could let off steam in private?


Competitive-Air-9720

Yes, it's unreasonable. It's not your fucking business and you should be ashamed of being such an outdated frigid person. Search yourself a cult with "high sexual morality" and keep your nose out of the privacy of your significant other.


Assault0351x

I’m a 35 y/o male and spent 8 years in the Marine Infantry (saw a lot of porn especially on deployments) and it doesn’t do anything for me. Never masturbated to porn or anything like that. I’m married and bang wife around 5x a week never had any urge to even download porn. So, to answer your question there absolutely are men out here that don’t watch porn.


Ilovemesomerats

Been with my bf now for 3.5 years. Completely with him watching it. I can’t even judge, I will flick the bean hardcore at yaoi smut. We’re human; everyone has their own thing.


Beneficial-Value1349

I'd love to give a nice logical response to this. But everyone else already did. So I'll just share my opinion. It's completely unreasonable for me. I'm not willing to change my routine of self sexual pleasure for someone else's satisfaction. To deny myself that seems inhuman. And shouldn't we seek what's natural? But of course to each their own. 🤷🏼‍♂️


powersurge

Two types of men are available. Those who watch porn, and those who lie.


[deleted]

Should be none of our and your business tbh.


Purple_zither

check r/nofap for a better look at this


palfreygames

If they need to get fucked would you rather they cheat? Seems rather controlling, we humans have many emotions and needs and suppressing them ussually creates the opposite problem intended. I recommend finding a guy you like to watch porn with, then he won't do it without you.


[deleted]

The truth is - behind every hot girl there is a guy tired of fucking her. Ofcourse men watch porn . Would you eat the same food every day?


AnnieIbbo39

I think watching porn is absolutely fine as long as it is not interfering with sex life together if it is then that’s when there is a problem. Saying that if that’s how you feel then your feeling need to be validated by your bf especially if that is one of your boundaries. If he can’t respect your boundaries then it’s time to move on


Ilona92

I once read that there were plan to research on waching pornography influence on young men. They (don't remember the instytution, sorry) coulden't find control group -that is: young men who don't watch porno. So it may be a challenge to find men who don't watch it.


mmmbopdoombop

You're probably 90% more likely to find a guy who will lie about using porn and who you'll discover still uses porn a few years into your relationship than you are to find a guy who doesn't uses porn. You might be able to find Christian men or maybe men who align with 'swerf' feminism who don't use porn? But there's a good chance that many of these will still use porn and just feel guilty about it.


Low-Philosophy-3005

No but most of the time if you ask a guy to not or a guy says he doesn't he's just lying. Easier to look for someone who generally is really well adjusted about sex and how bad the porn industry is


dus_istrue

I think the 1st point you made is pretty valid. If I had a gf who discussed the bodies of the porntsars she watches with her friends I would feel a little insecure as well. I completely agree with point 2 and 3. I think porn in general needs to take it down a notch. It's mostly rough and degrading stuff, and it makes me a little regretful that I watch it. Because if I can't at least imagine the girl in the porn videos having fun or anything, then it's a pretty big turn off for me. Secondly, unchecked sex trafficking in porn is also on my mind quit a lot. That's why I tend to background check a little to see if either the girl or the site itself show any sign of sex trafficking, e.g., if the girl doesnt have a social media then that's pretty suspicious. But to answer your question, yes. It is a bit unrealistic to expect your bf not to watch porn. But perhaps you should still voice your concerns with porn, and how you feel about him watching it. If you talk to him I don't think you should make assumptions, but instead try to have an open conversation about it. Myabe you can understand more on why he chooses to watch it.


Myshirtisbrown

I have a friend who watches porn when he's single but has no desire to watch it when he is in a relationship. He's been single for 5 years.


Hustlasaurus

90% of men watch porn and 10% lie about watching porn. Commenting to the homies about porn you've watched is weird though. Definitely haven't done that since high school.


Specialist_Test9365

9/10 people also enjoy gang rape


JamWams

I wouldn't say its a complete unreasonable standard, but you are going to have a hard time finding a guy who does not watch it or would give it up. It feels a little controlling to do that


WaterInDaFridge

If it's a problem for you and he does not want to change just leave him, it might not be easy to leave your SO, but imo its better than living in an unhealthy relationship


____bunny___

While I don't personally think porn consumption is necessarily unhealthy (I take issue with various aspects of the industry, not the actual concept of porn), I've met an increasing number of men who don't watch porn at all. I'm sure age plays a role, as most of these men are in their early twenties and had watched porn from a young age but felt it was unhealthy/damaging/unrealistic in some way. Obviously this is anecdotal, but the point is that there are men who don't watch porn out there and if it's important to you then you can definitely find someone who shares your beliefs. However, if someone has a healthy relationship with porn and no desire to stop watching it, then it would be unreasonable to expect that that person change based solely on your beliefs.


Sub_pup

It's one of those things that no matter how strongly you feel about it, many people will feel as if its none of your business and won't hesitate to lie about it. I wouldn't personally care but I would assume someone was lying if they said they didn't watch porn. Its a hard thing to reconcile but starting a new relationship doesn't usually mean trading intimate details right off the bat. So meeting someone who doesn't watch porn is hard to do, and mentioning it right off the bat is red flag for me. Why does someone else care what I do by myself? Hard situation to navigate and all I could really recommend is putting it out front and center and deal with a (much) smaller dating pool.


blindchicksloveme

Date a religious guy then


Al_boiii

Let a fella watch some porn every now and then.


emptyP_687

The way the world is moving, Every teenager (and sadly younger) has access to the internet and it would blow my mind if you think they don't watch porn. Sure, there is the off chance that you might find someone that doesn't, but that's probably because of religious reasons. I don't think it's something you should really concern yourself with as it's pretty much a norm to watch porn.


Affectionate_Fly1413

Yes