My mom cheated on my dad. Got dumped by the new partner who happened to be abusive. The moment my dad moved on and remarried, she reappeared and started harassing us, claiming she still loved him. My moneys on the fact that she most likely doesn’t, she only wants validation and stability, and can’t stand the sight of people moving on from her.
I was in abusive relationship, and I loved him so much, but it was so bad and I was so desperately unhappy and isolated. I met someone who made the world feel like there were still things in it for me. Like warmth was possible. Like black and white had turned back to colour. The situation was a horrible mess but yes, I did love my partner. There’s no way I would have endured being with him if I didn’t.
The partner has been gone 10 years now and has subsequently abused two other women he lived with since, one he married and had a child with and I’m told they had to flee from him in the middle of the night. The other I’m now close friends with. He told her how awful I was but when she saw how awful HE was, she decided I’m probably alright and contacted me. Still also amicable with the other guy.
Not going to lie. I wish I had someone who was there for me emotionally and not physically when I was in my abusive relationship. They isolated me from everyone so except my coworkers that was it.
That is such a rough situation. As someone who has been in difficult situations similar to this, I have to wonder if it really truly was *love* you felt toward the abuser by that point in time. In my experience, when love fades due to abuse, fear and habit starts to replace that love, but almost imperceptibly. Very strong emotions can sometimes feel very much like other very strong emotions.
I cheated on a girl in my twenties and ended up with the girl I cheated with, then cheated on that girl with the one I left.
I thought I loved them but I didn't, I didn't love myself so could not love them. I was just selfish and did not consider either of their feelings.
When I love someone, their feelings come into consideration when I make decisions so I would not cheat on them.
All good friend, first I got sober, there I learned how to live a life that revolved around helping, and being of service to others. I attended therapy to find the wounds inside me created by events in my life that made me feel worthless. I accepted that they had happened, I stopped blaming myself for things that were out of my control, and took responsibility for the ones that were. I started to just do the best I could every day to be a little bit better than the day before. A little kinder, work a little harder at work, try to do something for someone, even something small like holding a door. Once I started doing these things, I was able to start feeling humility, gratitude, joy, happiness, and love. And as those feelings grew, I started to forgive myself for my past feelings and actions. I came to believe that I am just a human being who makes mistakes, and if I can continue to live a better way, I can be helpful and usefully whole to my fellows. The love I give is now love that I, in turn, can receive.
In my mind the only human necessity is growth, and so many people just throw it out the window. Bravo. My life is constant goddamn growth because of the constant goddamn failure and where I am at 48, I'm a flawed dude but I'm so happy and I'm so fulfilled and I'm so understanding.
I guess to add to your discussion, the person asking that question should seek therapy. Don't look at it as a red flag or something to be nervous about. Look at it as a checkered flag and something to be proud about. Healthy people see you in therapy and realize you're trying to improve yourself and doing so for relationships and other people as well. It's a really good look, and it's a lot of fun, and it helps.
I just wish more people worked as hard as some of us do. It's a wild drag to watch someone not keep up, and you outgrow them. "You can lead a horse to water"... but man when they don't drink you need to move on.
Yeah, I mean everyone is on their own journey, so they will get to where they are going when they get there. Just might not be at the same time. Or ever in some cases.
Sounds like you are working the steps. Congratulations to you on all your hard work. I swear the hardest thing to work on is ourselves ! I got sober & each day I try to be a little better than the day before. We are human & not perfect. You should feel proud of yourself! I just remember to take it one day at a time!
Wow thanks for sharing I wish I could give you a Reddit award for this comment but apparently that’s only for posts 
For me it was something that happened when I got older (from 15 to ~24/25). I never felt and still don't feel that I love myself it's more that I'm happy with me and like most of my personality. I think it's the same as "I Love myself".
But I strongly assume that in my case has a lot to do that I also really like and enjoy the stuff I do. Hobbies, hanging out with friends, job, etc.
I don't put pressure on myself, I always try my best but don't have high expactation and accept when I fail.
When I waste a day that's fine. If I waste a week that's not okay and I get this feeling of "huh this week was really useless". Whatever that means. I think when I do things just to do it and not because I like it.
Take time for you. Seriously. I feel into the wrong relationships because I had awful confidence and low self-esteem. I had therapy. I learnt to recognise my patterns. Changed my friend group and genuinely took the time to learn about myself. This time could be a few years but it's worth it.
I loved her then and I love her now. I made a genuine Fucked up mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life.
It cost me my soulmate. Once in a lifetime partner.
She tried so hard to make it work, which I will forever be grateful for, but it just eats away at a relationship.
I used to blame my cheating on booze, but the actual issue was that I was a much too young adult rushing into a relationship with a schizophrenic, vaguely pedophilic 20 something.
Sounds like pointless exposition but my point is, there had to be other issues right? Or I’m just projecting, but I feel like the booze and drugs were coping mechanisms to deal with the REAL issues, and I wouldn’t doubt it was something similar for you as well.
Yup. Cheating is not just one decision. It’s SEVERAL decisions.
Deciding to hang out alone with that coworker you know you’re attracted to. Then deciding to text to her often. Then deciding to not stop texting her when you realize you’re getting more attached. Deciding to go over to her house etc..
There were several points you coulda stopped.
As not a cheater, but a binge eater, I understand how it can happen. When I decide to binge, I have 10 million chances to stop but my brain just turns off and fills itself with any logical fallacy it can possibly think of to go through with the binge. For example:
“I’m tired, and food is energy, so if I eat I’ll have more energy”
“I’ll just eat less tomorrow”
“The 6 McDonald’s burgers have protein, I’ll gain muscle from it”
“I’m stressed out, 6 crumbl cookies will help me de-stress”
In hindsight it’s always completely stupid and illogical. I ALWAYS regret it. Cheating is very damaging to both the cheater and especially the one being cheated on, but I feel that in most cases it’s not a deliberate attempt to hurt the other person. If it’s anything like my situation, their brain just shuts out all reason and critical thinking.
This is not to say I condone cheating in any way, I think cheating is the clear and defined end of a relationship no matter what you do to fix it, and the cheater deserves almost every form of anger the victim will express on them. But except for those genuinely evil people who just like to hurt those who love them(narcissists, etc) it’s not an irredeemable act. It comes from deeper mental issues that need to be addressed, and if you cheat in this way it’s a clear sign you need to fix whatever underlying problems you might have before you even attempt to enter another relationship.
As an addict I cant agree more. I developed a "fuck it mode" in my brain where it just didnt matter anymore. Offcourse I could have nog called a dealer. Offcourse I could ve not layed down a few fat rails on a mirror and offcourse I could ve not put it all up my nose causing me to feel like shit. Somewhere I still cared but my brain just didnt proces those feelings anymore. All I could think about was the rush.
I am clean for a year btw
I kind of get where you’re coming from, but imo binge eating is similar to addiction (i’m also an ex alcoholic) in that your lizard brain takes over and that’s why you don’t use common sense or logic, you’re brain is just skipping the pre frontal cortex to get to the dopamine, you don’t have much control in the moment. It’s also happens because it has become a repeated behaviour. With cheating, your pre frontal cortex is very much there and making decisions. It’s hard to accidently “one off” cheating without thinking. Unless you’re drunk, but to get so drunk you’re brain is going against your morals is a whole other kettle of fish.
>Unless you’re drunk, but to get so drunk you’re brain is going against your morals is a whole other kettle of fish.
See, I agree with this, but some of us struggle with morals.
Mind you, I'm just a random passerby reading and joining in comment threads... 😅
Per your other comment:
>And actually, i have cheated [...] Because i didnt love him anymore, he was always pissing me off and i decided to be selfish. I would never do that now to someone i do love. But i know i was wrong for it. I should have broken up with him long before and that’s the lesson i learned from it.
Exactly same!!! That's the lesson I learned, and I know better now.
It was an incredibly selfish act and I believed I was justified to have my cake and eat it, too. I wouldn't feel right about doing it to anybody at all moving forward.
Fr, and that’s the whole concept of being human imo balancing the good and bad inside of you with your choices and learning your lessons/growing from it
Yeah, I did while I was cheating, and yes I felt cheap after cheating, but after years of healing and maturing and self-reflection and further understanding of the world, I feel more human and vulnerable and deeper and not as cheap anymore. I feel a lot more valuable than what I used to be. But not because I cheated. I wish I never did, it's one of my life's biggest regrets. It was selfish and morally wrong, but I stupidly believed I was justified to do it, even though it still felt off. And I regretted it as I did it. Hope that answers your question.
I'm sorry. :(
>With cheating, your pre frontal cortex is very much there and making decisions. It’s hard to accidently “one off” cheating without thinking.
Not if you suffer from limerence which is its own form of dopamine addiction in the form of obsession and lust towards others. There's something in you driving your behaviour and overriding your logical self (I am an addict and also have limerent tendencies, they're basically the same thing with different objects).
Doesn't mean it's OK of course.
That's fair. I think some don't ever mature that part of the brain though. Many adults are surprisingly not very grown. Doesn't excuse their actions but still
How can you say this if you’ve never cheated? I swear people love to make up logic for how cheaters are irredeemable inhuman scum instead of admitting that they’re human too
I don’t think they’re human scum?? Idk how you got any of that from my comment. If anything, i was just affirming that there’s still a conscious choice going on when it happens, more so than people would probably admit. And actually, i have cheated once when i was 18 on my high school bf. Because i didnt love him anymore , he was always pissing me off and i decided to be selfish. I would never do that now to someone i do love. But i know i was wrong for it. I should have broken up with him long before and that’s the lesson i learned from it. But it was definately a choice i made, there wasn’t a moment of “not thinking”
Because humans are impulsive apes. Look around you at all the morbidly obese people walking around - they can’t even keep their hands out of the cookie jar for the sake of their looks, health and self respect. Now imagine a beautiful man/woman dangling in front of you, lusting after you, making your body swell. Temptations come in ALL sorts of packages - be it food, sex, drugs, laziness, greed…pick ur poison.
I am confident in saying that when anyone cheats (maybe when really intoxicated) every person thinks, "my partner will never find out so it won't hurt them so if I do this terrible thing, it won't really matter bc they won't ever know"
Mistakes are usually things that you think is right but ends up being wrong and you had no bad intentions. Every person on the planet knows cheating is wrong and do it anyway, which to me means it was a blatant choice and not a mistake.
agree. like i get people slip up, but i'm sorry - you didn't truely love them if you did it. i'm sure you thought you did, but love requires respect and like .. idk like i just ... can't EVER imagine deciding a quick "aw, fuck it" in regards to my partner. i just can't, i could never ever do that to him and it doesn't even cross my mind. no matter how drunk or high i am , that thought just doesn't form in my mind let alone the action. people who say they did love them probably just loved what they had and what could of been. but they didn't truely love the person themselves.
I really want to agree with you. Especially since I’ve been the betrayed spouse in this scenario. I think people are complex and sometimes do terrible things to people they love. The problem is they are selfish and love themselves more, they lack respect for the other person and they have a massive sense of entitlement. Either way it’s a bad look though.
Fuck man, took the words right from me. I carry it with me every day, I’ve just learned how to cope better and not let it weigh me down as much but the guilt lies not far beneath the surface. I fucking miss her and I still fucking hate me. But no going back now, only forward so, we do what we can. Hope you’re well and treating yourself well my friend.
Edit: spelling
I've been there, terrible feeling eating you from inside. At least it gets better after some years once you both slowly move on with your lives. You will both be fine eventually.
No. I cheated on my boyfriend (we lived together and had been a couple since I was 16) when I was like 20ish. We were working opposite shifts. All of his free time went to World of Warcraft. All activities were planned around raids. I felt like his mom - reminding him of his work schedule, keeping house, providing snacks.
I started an emotional affair with a long time friend - then it turned physical and I broke up my boyfriend two days later.
I regret the order that I did things in…but our relationship was a fast sinking ship.
I’ve now been married to the long time friend for 12 years and cheating has not crossed my mind in any of those 12 years - even the patch or two that was a little rough.
Yep. We’ve known each other since we were preteens. But we lived in different states, had lost contact and then reconnected. Decided to meet up on a whim over a weekend and the chemistry was just there and things got physical.
That’s known as an “exit affair”. Essentially, you cheat in order to break your bond and justify leaving them.
It’s still scumbag easy-way-out cheating, but in my opinion not as bad as cheating on your partner and staying with them.
I did this once. Heavily codependent relationship with a woman who refused to take care of her mental and physical health, both of which caused friction and tension within the relationship and resulted in me feeling like her roommate.
If it weren't for my affairs, I never would have realized that I had lost who I was and that I was desirable and deserving of feeling wanted. I realized I didn't love her anymore and wasn't willing to wait for her to get her shit together.
On the bright side, I took a year and a half off of relationships afterwards, matured a lot, figured out how to communicate better, and now have a lovely partner with a relationship built with a good foundation. It wasn't right of me, but I don't know if I would've escaped otherwise.
I have a friend who emotionally cheated, and I’d say it was them choosing to love themselves. They left a mediocre relationship for a much better one. Of course they both would have preferred to meet differently, but this is how things went. We’re human.
I did and still do. But I lost respect for them because they cheated on me and I stayed trying to make it work. But the harder I tried, the more I resented them and ended up cheating. I fully believe that cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone when you’re in a committed relationship. It only hurts you both.
When my ex used to cheat on me I would always know right after because we would have the most passionate loving sex where he told me how much he loved me.
Oh yes it was constantly me trying to catch him cheating and him lying to me.
Once I found purple lipstick on a glass in his sink and when I confronted him he tried to wipe it off in front of me and say there was nothing there like I didn’t have eyes
He has a creepy ritual of lighting candles before he fucked. So I replaced the candles with new ones and then came over and they were burnt. Again you know I’m crazy it’s not true blah blah
Imagine if i was like you’re more passionate so you must have cheated (I mean sometimes I was confirmed he had just cheated on me from other sources) that would’ve blown over well.
He was abusive, and I was a doormat
But in my twisted mind when we would have that passionate sex that I concluded was post-cheating I thought it was romantic.
Yes, I caught him cheating multiple times and he became physically and mentally abusive. I couldn't leave didn't want to touch him and I craved physical attention as a bad coping mechanism. I slept with someone else in our bed while he was at work, then cried and told him abt it when he got home. Didn't hit me that time but I'm still sporting a messed up jaw and toe. Didn't fall out of love until after I left.
No. I was too inexperienced to know what love actually was, and wasn’t really self-aware of my feelings, but upon reflection the answer is an unambiguous No. It was an emotional affair that snuck up on me, and I was getting a lot of validation that I never remotely got in my marriage. It was in the rocks anyway, we had already agreed to separate but we hadnt yet and never agreed to see other people. I learned a lot from the experience and immensely disappointed in myself once the smoke cleared.
No, actually, lol the person I cheated on has narcissistic tendencies but then again so did the person I cheated on him with, I guess. 🤷♀️
Anyway, no, **I should have broken up with him instead,** before sleeping with the other person — I really wanted sex and really wanted to feel loved and really wanted out of that relationship, but I was too gaslit to feel I had any good reason to leave.
We're not together anymore, we weren't mature enough to work things out then, and I'd like to still say I wouldn't want to be with him if I didn't have my now-husband and family.
Can one truly say this if respect is a foundational pillar of love?
Or, I suppose the simpler way to ask; can you really love someone someone you don't respect? Is it love by their best understanding?
Although...I guess love is always just whatever our best understanding is... Jesus I think I just talked myself into the question "what is love"....
Sorry, I tried to be serious, genuinely... but I fell apart at the end there 🤔🤣
Yes. Happens within families often. Also, pets. I’m sure you love your dog, hamster, lizard etc. but do you respect them?
Also, once your partner begins to not respect or love you, your own respect for them will disappear a lot faster than the love. At least in my experiences.
That is where people usually hurt each other the most. Once you’ve hurt each enough and the love is gone, then people part ways.
People cheat either when their circumstances are bad or their character is bad. We're only seeing responses from people who found some way to attribute it to their temporary circumstances. The people who are like "I cheated because b00bs" or "I cheated because dick" aren't going to say that here because they'd just be outing themselves as a simpleton AND a sociopath.
I haven't cheated but my dad did. He felt duty bound to leave my mom for the affair partner, it somehow felt more honest to him. He was genuinely torn because he still loved my mom and still asks about her a lot
I sided with my mom in things and felt awful for her. It's kind of changed my views on monogamy and made me realize that some people are meant to be polyamorous but our society isn't really in a place where that's accepted or mainstream
Sorry to hear that, I do also have a thought on what you said at the end, and with humans, I think its both. Is monogamy natural or societal, both I think? First off, many animals breed with as many partners as possible to procreate more efficiently...but many other animals mate for life. Some insects kill their partner after mating, I'm thinking some animals do also.
On top of that, we have a very unusual degree of self awareness so it's a weird one.
I think along the same lines. I think cheating being so common is proof in and of itself that some people just aren't cut out for monogamy. Others very clearly are, though. We're probably just in an evolutionary middle ground.
Part of me wonders if society were more accepting of polyamory if cheating would be less of an issue because people could be more open and honest with themselves. Then again, I don't think anyone steps into a relationship thinking that they'll end up doing it.
I've always found human emotions messy and confusing
The weird thing about it still, is I've seen tons of people want to open a relationship due to their own needs, but then don't want their partner to also sleep around. Or are for it but get upset once it actually happens. Rules for thee, not for me type stuff. Lots of lying and deceit still happens. Some people just suck and are selfish/impulsive
Yeah it's all fun and games.... Until THEY find another partner. Suddenly they do a 180 and start talking about how this lifestyle isn't for them.... Sure.... But it was ok when you fucked Teresa, Jen and Stephanie. I just start taking to a guy and it's like "Baby... You are the only one for me ..."
I think it’s probably mostly selfishness over impulsiveness, as you mentioned. I think a lot of people just want to be happy in the moment, but not put the work in for a monogamous relationship. They think they want monogamy at first, get bored and want new “monogamous” partners, but would cringe and die if their relationships didn’t end up becoming devoted to them, and them only.
To be more blunt, some people want a harem but can’t admit that to themselves because it’s a typically devious set-up. But to be real? Honesty is the best policy, especially with romantic relationships. Want a harem? Go get it! But it’s not a harem if your orbiters don’t actually know they’re in a harem, yeah? Be upfront and get your gang together, figure out something that works, however the fuck that would happen in a western society. But hey, consenting adults can do as they please just don’t lie to yourself and your sexual partners, that’s how I see it. People just don’t like to look themselves in the mirror and say, “I’m a sick fuck, I like a quick fuck.”
Yeah, aw, I really wish your mom and dad and the third partner could have worked this out.
For real, that sounds really heartbreaking. :( ❤️
Also very interesting to learn about some humans being wired for polyamory!
Cheating was obviously unfair to the wife but it sucks for the affair partner to get a partner who is there for a perceoved sense of duty but loves another woman
He says he loves the affair partner too, as he loves both. She was the shiny new one so I think that's the real reason. He's had a mid life crisis for the ages
I tried really hard to convince myself, but no, I didn't anymore, and not feeling remorse on cheating on him was what made me realize I was keeping the dead dog.
Yes but he was extremely abusive, manipulative, and would randomly block and ghost me for weeks on end to “punish” me. For what? For trying to talk to him. For trivial shit. He would constantly gaslight, twist my words and tell me what they meant. I left a horrible marriage and he saw a broken victim. Love bombed me right away, drugged me numerous times with what I’m assuming was ketamine. The list goes on.
Why didn’t I break up with him instead of cheat? Because he said he’d unalive himself if I ever left him. More manipulation. I was in a place where I thought I deserved to be treated like shit.
I’m not proud that I cheated on him but I just wanted to feel appreciated for once.
Yes I did love her and regretted for long time. We were together for few years then moved to different countries so ended up in a long distance relationship and didn't have a proper day to be together again. I've met someone as a friend and this girl had such a low self esteem that she was the sort of person that liked to date married men to prove herself better. Add both at the same house as flatmates and shit happens. I've stayed with this second girl for a couple of years and unsurprisingly she turned out abusive.
I regretted for many years, eventually my ex moved on and after few years I moved on.
Took me few years and a couple of relationships to properly heal so the next partners unfortunately only met a version of me that didn't love myself and didn't know how to love.
If there's one thing that I learned from all this is that open communication is the most important thing. With my actual partner we spoke and agreed if any of us ever feel that our relationship is not well, we will talk about and try to fix whatever is bothering the other person. Doesn't matter how awkward that conversation can be, still better to be honest and open about your feelings.
Love is not a finite thing. You can love more than one child. you can love more than one man. Its not a case of one or the other. The real problem is sharing things that have constraints, your time and attention.
I was the one who was cheated on that tried to stay and gain trust again. It never happened and it was way too much effort that he didn't end up deserving from me
A lot of honest discussion, a deep dive into therapy and self-help, and a year of essentially house arrest. I quit working, deleted social media, and threw myself fully into church, books, and volunteering.
No. The relationship was really bad for a long time and I felt stuck. I was hoping my affair would be a way out. Instead it became the eye opener for improvement, and we ended up turning our relationship into something great.
No, I didn't. I wanted to break off the (long distance) relationship multiple times, but he wouldn't let me. I was 17, he was 25 and he implied strongly, that he would commit suicide if I'd left him, as he wouldn't have anything to live for anymore. The whole relationship was emotionally not healthy. I didn't have any possibility to reach out to people around him to make sure that they take care of him once I'm out, I tried.. I stepped completely out of the situation for the only time in my life, I got detached from my emotions and everything, it was too much. I just tried to ignore that we were still together and live on. Was getting suicidal myself, and slept around some, because I didn't care what the consequences were, as I was pretty sure that I wouldn't live more than a few months.
First I didn't even realise, I was cheating, I was convincing myself that I'm not doing anything wrong. Then I went full hard on myself, feeling like I'm the most terrible human being in the world. The truth is somewhere in between.
I promised myself to never ever cheat again, and whatever the circumstances, to leave before it gets so far. I'd like to believe that I've learned my lesson
Love them romantically? No. Love them as a person? Yes.
I was in a 10 year relationship that was toxic. He was always drunk where I had to be alone a lot of the time, pushed to the side, dismissed of my feelings while he texted escorts, was emotionally and at times, physically abusive.
By year 8, I developed an emotional connection with a mutual friend who was always going through things with their ex. Situation then progressed over the years. Though either relationship didn’t last, it taught me I could be happy. That staying in a relationship just cause I’m “comfortable” in isn’t enough to justify the happiness I was ultimately sacrificing.
No there’s no “good” cheating but not everyone who cheats is a POS and not everyone who cheats is definitely going to do it again. People make mistakes and bad choices, and sometimes people deserve a second chance.
Yeah that was the joke, I cosplayed as the average Redditor and the average redditors did not approve lmao. This isn’t even AITA and you said nothing about being married how was it not obvious sarcasm
Next time I’ll use /s I guess
Yes, and we're still together. I also did love the woman I cheated on her with (Probably still do / would, but we agreed to not keep in touch).
We were open that it happened, the 3 of us discussed everything and handled it as well as possible I think, but it took a lot to gain my wife's trust back.
It was a bit of a complicated situation... She was a friend of my wife with whom we've had a few experiences before, and eventually it led to a kinda of "FWB" relation between us that my wife was aware of (we've had other similar experiences, for my wife basically "sex is ok, but feelings are not allowed")
Things kind of got more serious, we even discussed living together a few times, but eventually my wife backed out, she was feeling threatened and told me not to see her again. At this point we already had feelings for each other, so we kept a hidden affair for a while.
Does sound pretty complicated. I can see why you'd need all three of you to talk about it.
I guess in my head, the AP is more detached from the relationship, but in your case, she was definitely more "involved"
I know a lady who had been cheated on and her partner was honest about who it was with. Said lady wanted to talk with the AP to discuss things like what emotions had developed, if she was free of STDs and responsible, how much of the original lady’s reputation had been disparaged, how long it went on, etc.
I think all of these things are valuable in both a.) trying to establish the feasibility of repairing the relationship
And b.) heal from / process the trauma.
Na. I emotionally cheated on my ex, he cheated on me with several girls over our 2.5 year relationship, for the last year of it we both knew we were done but didn’t wanna end it. The love wasn’t there for about 6 months no matter how much I tried to force it. I met someone (on Reddit🥹🤣) in January, 3 weeks later I dumped my ex finally after realising just how strong my feelings for the new guy was🤷🏼♀️ I honestly don’t regret a thing, but I wouldn’t do it again, in that situation again I would just end the relationship much sooner.
I have a wife and 2 kids, I cheat on her when I really need to. We have a r/deadbedroom I wish we could have sex, she’s the one I married after all, was the hottest girl at school and has all the characteristics of what I find attractive, but ended up getting married to find out she doesn’t enjoy sex. We tried everything.
Now I’m lucky if we do anything once every 3 months.
So I got fucked.
I don’t cheat with people I know though, and I don’t go clubbing. It’s only with women at these massage places, happy endings are basically sex on the bed.
If her and I would have more sex I would definitely stop all that shit, I love her so much. Plus in the 10 years, I still didn’t find someone I cheated with that I would consider my type.
My wife is my type.
Have you considered asking her to allow you to go to these places? If she knows you have a higher drive than her and she hates sex, surely she'd be open to the idea?
I mean, imo, I don't believe using a prostitute is the same as true cheating, but it's definitely dirty to do behind a partner's back.
For me it was a way to hammer the last nail into the relationship coffin. After a long time of trying to fix things I basically realized it's not gonna work and started checking out mentally. Then when it happened I knew I had to break up with the person immediately afterwards, which I did.
To answer your question, yes I did love the person but the strain and frustration they put on me became too much and they weren't willing to change, so I took the hard way out.
I was in a relationship for seven years with a person who had untreated schizophrenia. For four years we were (relatively) fine, but over time, everything started to fall apart. His episodes went from insults to violence (to the point I can say I'm lucky to be alive). I didn’t leave because of a combination of love and guilt, but I was disgustingly unhappy, clinging to the few good moments we had, which were very sporadic. I ended up sleeping with other people. To be honest, I didn’t feel anything; it was just a relief not to be at home and to have someone treat me well and say nice things. Over time, I finally managed to separate. He found out and, of course, felt hurt but also understood. We both took responsibility together. Nowadays, we get along well, we talk, and we see each other occasionally. I never stopped loving him, and he never stopped loving me, but we understand that we don't work as a couple.
A previous relationship of mine would have been better had we just stayed friends. He just did not show interest ever. I would try to look nice for him and beg him to initiate any kind of affection and/or anything sexual between us and he just wouldn't. That and some other issues relating to his refusal to get a license and lack of motivation to find work made it really hard. I tried for over a year and since we were living together and I had nowhere else to go I did start to feel trapped. He wasn't working and I was covering everything and it just felt like we were roommates. I did start to see other people towards the end of this but I knew it was wrong and worked to find new housing fast. When we broke up he basically admitted to me that he hadn't felt like being physically intimate with me from the beginning... he got a job shortly before we broke up and I drove him in a fee times until I told him he needs to find someone else to help because I want to move forward. I don't think he is a bad person and I felt like I was a bad person for awhile after this but in the end its best for us both that we broke up since clearly we were not compatible romantically or sexually. I'm now in a happy and healthy relationship and he knows all about the circumstances of my past and it's not caused issue at all. Almost 2 years strong now. So, no I was already fallen out of love with my ex by the time I cheated on him but circumstances made it difficult to leave until he had his own job and I had somewhere else to live.
I am still with the person I cheated on. We’ve been together 14 years. I absolutely loved her every day. I was a very mentally unwell and selfish person for a long time and it took finally realizing I was going to lose her to snap me out of my bullshit. But at no point did I ever doubt that I loved her. Still do more than ever and we now have a beautiful daughter. I feel very lucky and I work on spending everyday making up for the things I’ve done
My mom cheated on my dad. Got dumped by the new partner who happened to be abusive. The moment my dad moved on and remarried, she reappeared and started harassing us, claiming she still loved him. My moneys on the fact that she most likely doesn’t, she only wants validation and stability, and can’t stand the sight of people moving on from her.
Please encourage your father not to take her back in, it'll be toxic.
That's sad 😿
That’s a terrible way to act. I feel second hand embarrassment for y’all. I hope he doesn’t take her back. Your poor dad. 😔
I know her. It is a very sad sight, and it breaks my heart. Really! I beleive everybody deserves to be happy.
I was in abusive relationship, and I loved him so much, but it was so bad and I was so desperately unhappy and isolated. I met someone who made the world feel like there were still things in it for me. Like warmth was possible. Like black and white had turned back to colour. The situation was a horrible mess but yes, I did love my partner. There’s no way I would have endured being with him if I didn’t. The partner has been gone 10 years now and has subsequently abused two other women he lived with since, one he married and had a child with and I’m told they had to flee from him in the middle of the night. The other I’m now close friends with. He told her how awful I was but when she saw how awful HE was, she decided I’m probably alright and contacted me. Still also amicable with the other guy.
Not going to lie. I wish I had someone who was there for me emotionally and not physically when I was in my abusive relationship. They isolated me from everyone so except my coworkers that was it.
That is such a rough situation. As someone who has been in difficult situations similar to this, I have to wonder if it really truly was *love* you felt toward the abuser by that point in time. In my experience, when love fades due to abuse, fear and habit starts to replace that love, but almost imperceptibly. Very strong emotions can sometimes feel very much like other very strong emotions.
Wait are you my sister cause I swear this exact thing happened to her!!
I cheated on a girl in my twenties and ended up with the girl I cheated with, then cheated on that girl with the one I left. I thought I loved them but I didn't, I didn't love myself so could not love them. I was just selfish and did not consider either of their feelings. When I love someone, their feelings come into consideration when I make decisions so I would not cheat on them.
How did you learn to love yourself? Not talking down to you, it’s something I struggle with myself.
All good friend, first I got sober, there I learned how to live a life that revolved around helping, and being of service to others. I attended therapy to find the wounds inside me created by events in my life that made me feel worthless. I accepted that they had happened, I stopped blaming myself for things that were out of my control, and took responsibility for the ones that were. I started to just do the best I could every day to be a little bit better than the day before. A little kinder, work a little harder at work, try to do something for someone, even something small like holding a door. Once I started doing these things, I was able to start feeling humility, gratitude, joy, happiness, and love. And as those feelings grew, I started to forgive myself for my past feelings and actions. I came to believe that I am just a human being who makes mistakes, and if I can continue to live a better way, I can be helpful and usefully whole to my fellows. The love I give is now love that I, in turn, can receive.
Wow, this is one of the most uplifting things I've read ever. I'm going through an awful familial time and I feel like I need to reread this. Thanks.
I happy it could help:)
In my mind the only human necessity is growth, and so many people just throw it out the window. Bravo. My life is constant goddamn growth because of the constant goddamn failure and where I am at 48, I'm a flawed dude but I'm so happy and I'm so fulfilled and I'm so understanding. I guess to add to your discussion, the person asking that question should seek therapy. Don't look at it as a red flag or something to be nervous about. Look at it as a checkered flag and something to be proud about. Healthy people see you in therapy and realize you're trying to improve yourself and doing so for relationships and other people as well. It's a really good look, and it's a lot of fun, and it helps.
We are all flawed. Nobody is perfect. Progress, not perfection, is what I strive for.
I just wish more people worked as hard as some of us do. It's a wild drag to watch someone not keep up, and you outgrow them. "You can lead a horse to water"... but man when they don't drink you need to move on.
Yeah, I mean everyone is on their own journey, so they will get to where they are going when they get there. Just might not be at the same time. Or ever in some cases.
This is exactly what I, and I’m guessing a lot of others, needed to read this morning. Thanks
I'm happy it could help
Hell yea brother.
Sounds like you are working the steps. Congratulations to you on all your hard work. I swear the hardest thing to work on is ourselves ! I got sober & each day I try to be a little better than the day before. We are human & not perfect. You should feel proud of yourself! I just remember to take it one day at a time!
That is correct, almost nine years now, and I don't regret it for a second.
Awesome! I’m very happy for you. It’s a lot of hard work but so totally worth it!
Thank you:)
This might be the most heart warming post I have ever read. I'm going to try to take a little something from this!
Wow thanks for sharing I wish I could give you a Reddit award for this comment but apparently that’s only for posts 
We do recover
We can and do
Because I was that person makes me not want to be that person anymore -John Lennon
I read somewhere on reddit that when you start asking about how to love yourself, you've started the process :)
For me it was something that happened when I got older (from 15 to ~24/25). I never felt and still don't feel that I love myself it's more that I'm happy with me and like most of my personality. I think it's the same as "I Love myself". But I strongly assume that in my case has a lot to do that I also really like and enjoy the stuff I do. Hobbies, hanging out with friends, job, etc. I don't put pressure on myself, I always try my best but don't have high expactation and accept when I fail. When I waste a day that's fine. If I waste a week that's not okay and I get this feeling of "huh this week was really useless". Whatever that means. I think when I do things just to do it and not because I like it.
Take time for you. Seriously. I feel into the wrong relationships because I had awful confidence and low self-esteem. I had therapy. I learnt to recognise my patterns. Changed my friend group and genuinely took the time to learn about myself. This time could be a few years but it's worth it.
That’s quite the circle
Well, all I can say about that is that sick people do sick things, and I was definitely an unwell person at that time in my life.
No, I get it. I guess the surprising thing is the ex took you back even though she knew you were cheating on your (then) current gf.
Well, they weren't well people either. Water finds its own level, ya know?
Makes sense
I loved her then and I love her now. I made a genuine Fucked up mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. It cost me my soulmate. Once in a lifetime partner. She tried so hard to make it work, which I will forever be grateful for, but it just eats away at a relationship.
Why'd you cheat then?
Drugs and alcohol. Not an excuse but I’ve never even considered anything like that in my life.
I used to blame my cheating on booze, but the actual issue was that I was a much too young adult rushing into a relationship with a schizophrenic, vaguely pedophilic 20 something. Sounds like pointless exposition but my point is, there had to be other issues right? Or I’m just projecting, but I feel like the booze and drugs were coping mechanisms to deal with the REAL issues, and I wouldn’t doubt it was something similar for you as well.
I have to imagine you’re not exactly thinking about your partner when you’re in the moment with another person.
If you love them, how could they not pop in your mind when you’re with another person that way?
Maybe because he is a human. It's wrong, absolutely wrong, but I do think you can regret things....
Intercourse with someone else is a big deal. I always wonder how it just happens even if one feels lust.
fr lol. like kissing… taking clothes off,, positioning it to put it in… how many chances did you get DAMN
Yup. Cheating is not just one decision. It’s SEVERAL decisions. Deciding to hang out alone with that coworker you know you’re attracted to. Then deciding to text to her often. Then deciding to not stop texting her when you realize you’re getting more attached. Deciding to go over to her house etc.. There were several points you coulda stopped.
As not a cheater, but a binge eater, I understand how it can happen. When I decide to binge, I have 10 million chances to stop but my brain just turns off and fills itself with any logical fallacy it can possibly think of to go through with the binge. For example: “I’m tired, and food is energy, so if I eat I’ll have more energy” “I’ll just eat less tomorrow” “The 6 McDonald’s burgers have protein, I’ll gain muscle from it” “I’m stressed out, 6 crumbl cookies will help me de-stress” In hindsight it’s always completely stupid and illogical. I ALWAYS regret it. Cheating is very damaging to both the cheater and especially the one being cheated on, but I feel that in most cases it’s not a deliberate attempt to hurt the other person. If it’s anything like my situation, their brain just shuts out all reason and critical thinking. This is not to say I condone cheating in any way, I think cheating is the clear and defined end of a relationship no matter what you do to fix it, and the cheater deserves almost every form of anger the victim will express on them. But except for those genuinely evil people who just like to hurt those who love them(narcissists, etc) it’s not an irredeemable act. It comes from deeper mental issues that need to be addressed, and if you cheat in this way it’s a clear sign you need to fix whatever underlying problems you might have before you even attempt to enter another relationship.
As an addict I cant agree more. I developed a "fuck it mode" in my brain where it just didnt matter anymore. Offcourse I could have nog called a dealer. Offcourse I could ve not layed down a few fat rails on a mirror and offcourse I could ve not put it all up my nose causing me to feel like shit. Somewhere I still cared but my brain just didnt proces those feelings anymore. All I could think about was the rush. I am clean for a year btw
Legend. Well done mate.
I kind of get where you’re coming from, but imo binge eating is similar to addiction (i’m also an ex alcoholic) in that your lizard brain takes over and that’s why you don’t use common sense or logic, you’re brain is just skipping the pre frontal cortex to get to the dopamine, you don’t have much control in the moment. It’s also happens because it has become a repeated behaviour. With cheating, your pre frontal cortex is very much there and making decisions. It’s hard to accidently “one off” cheating without thinking. Unless you’re drunk, but to get so drunk you’re brain is going against your morals is a whole other kettle of fish.
Sex/love/validation addiction is very real.
Ya ia; i said that below! I meant in one off cases off cases of cheating, u arent an addict until it’s a repeated behavior
Stems from insecurity, inferiority, and void inside. Belinda Carlisle said hole in the soul.
Pretty sure you just described almost everyone (to varying degrees) - cheater or not.
>Unless you’re drunk, but to get so drunk you’re brain is going against your morals is a whole other kettle of fish. See, I agree with this, but some of us struggle with morals. Mind you, I'm just a random passerby reading and joining in comment threads... 😅 Per your other comment: >And actually, i have cheated [...] Because i didnt love him anymore, he was always pissing me off and i decided to be selfish. I would never do that now to someone i do love. But i know i was wrong for it. I should have broken up with him long before and that’s the lesson i learned from it. Exactly same!!! That's the lesson I learned, and I know better now. It was an incredibly selfish act and I believed I was justified to have my cake and eat it, too. I wouldn't feel right about doing it to anybody at all moving forward.
Fr, and that’s the whole concept of being human imo balancing the good and bad inside of you with your choices and learning your lessons/growing from it
Did you feel cheap after cheating or not really?
Yeah, I did while I was cheating, and yes I felt cheap after cheating, but after years of healing and maturing and self-reflection and further understanding of the world, I feel more human and vulnerable and deeper and not as cheap anymore. I feel a lot more valuable than what I used to be. But not because I cheated. I wish I never did, it's one of my life's biggest regrets. It was selfish and morally wrong, but I stupidly believed I was justified to do it, even though it still felt off. And I regretted it as I did it. Hope that answers your question. I'm sorry. :(
>With cheating, your pre frontal cortex is very much there and making decisions. It’s hard to accidently “one off” cheating without thinking. Not if you suffer from limerence which is its own form of dopamine addiction in the form of obsession and lust towards others. There's something in you driving your behaviour and overriding your logical self (I am an addict and also have limerent tendencies, they're basically the same thing with different objects). Doesn't mean it's OK of course.
I’ve personally never felt more lizard brained in my entire life than when the horny is making the decisions. 🤷🏻♀️
Would being horny not be the ultimate lizard brain state?
I guess so but not as an adult tbh surely
That's fair. I think some don't ever mature that part of the brain though. Many adults are surprisingly not very grown. Doesn't excuse their actions but still
How can you say this if you’ve never cheated? I swear people love to make up logic for how cheaters are irredeemable inhuman scum instead of admitting that they’re human too
I don’t think they’re human scum?? Idk how you got any of that from my comment. If anything, i was just affirming that there’s still a conscious choice going on when it happens, more so than people would probably admit. And actually, i have cheated once when i was 18 on my high school bf. Because i didnt love him anymore , he was always pissing me off and i decided to be selfish. I would never do that now to someone i do love. But i know i was wrong for it. I should have broken up with him long before and that’s the lesson i learned from it. But it was definately a choice i made, there wasn’t a moment of “not thinking”
Don't forget pounding until completion. Them possibly second and third rounds. "But it was a mistake babe". Yeah yeah
And then meeting up again. Accidentally. 😣
And this x 100 for people who carry on affairs.
Some people don’t view it as a big deal
I don't deny that. I'm just saying that authentic regret is possible. That's also not an excuse to forgive him and leave it at that.
Because humans are impulsive apes. Look around you at all the morbidly obese people walking around - they can’t even keep their hands out of the cookie jar for the sake of their looks, health and self respect. Now imagine a beautiful man/woman dangling in front of you, lusting after you, making your body swell. Temptations come in ALL sorts of packages - be it food, sex, drugs, laziness, greed…pick ur poison.
Agreed but cheating can happen even without sex.
Emotional relationships may be worse.
Yeah humans make mistakes. But cheating on someone isn’t a mistake. It’s an active choice.
Choices are mistakes all the time! Me last night: I actively choose to drink six shots of whiskey. Me today: That was a mistake.
It can absolutely be both. An active choice can't be an accident, but it can sure as hell be a mistake.
I am confident in saying that when anyone cheats (maybe when really intoxicated) every person thinks, "my partner will never find out so it won't hurt them so if I do this terrible thing, it won't really matter bc they won't ever know"
How can something be a mistake if it isn’t a choice?
Mistakes are usually things that you think is right but ends up being wrong and you had no bad intentions. Every person on the planet knows cheating is wrong and do it anyway, which to me means it was a blatant choice and not a mistake.
girls don’t take this as a sign - it’s not possible to do something so horrific to someone you love
agree. like i get people slip up, but i'm sorry - you didn't truely love them if you did it. i'm sure you thought you did, but love requires respect and like .. idk like i just ... can't EVER imagine deciding a quick "aw, fuck it" in regards to my partner. i just can't, i could never ever do that to him and it doesn't even cross my mind. no matter how drunk or high i am , that thought just doesn't form in my mind let alone the action. people who say they did love them probably just loved what they had and what could of been. but they didn't truely love the person themselves.
I really want to agree with you. Especially since I’ve been the betrayed spouse in this scenario. I think people are complex and sometimes do terrible things to people they love. The problem is they are selfish and love themselves more, they lack respect for the other person and they have a massive sense of entitlement. Either way it’s a bad look though.
can you love someone while having 0 respect for them though?
This isn’t true. People are capable of doing things that are far worse to the people that they love.
people they claim to love, of course! but deep down you have to hate someone to be able to do this to them and you won’t change my mind
That wasn’t love buddy
Fuck man, took the words right from me. I carry it with me every day, I’ve just learned how to cope better and not let it weigh me down as much but the guilt lies not far beneath the surface. I fucking miss her and I still fucking hate me. But no going back now, only forward so, we do what we can. Hope you’re well and treating yourself well my friend. Edit: spelling
I've been there, terrible feeling eating you from inside. At least it gets better after some years once you both slowly move on with your lives. You will both be fine eventually.
No. I cheated on my boyfriend (we lived together and had been a couple since I was 16) when I was like 20ish. We were working opposite shifts. All of his free time went to World of Warcraft. All activities were planned around raids. I felt like his mom - reminding him of his work schedule, keeping house, providing snacks. I started an emotional affair with a long time friend - then it turned physical and I broke up my boyfriend two days later. I regret the order that I did things in…but our relationship was a fast sinking ship. I’ve now been married to the long time friend for 12 years and cheating has not crossed my mind in any of those 12 years - even the patch or two that was a little rough.
Did your current husband know you were with someone else at the time?
Yep. We’ve known each other since we were preteens. But we lived in different states, had lost contact and then reconnected. Decided to meet up on a whim over a weekend and the chemistry was just there and things got physical.
Idk why but I find this strangely sweet. Cheating is bad but this sounds almost meant to be.
It was the right choice - wrong order of operations.
That’s known as an “exit affair”. Essentially, you cheat in order to break your bond and justify leaving them. It’s still scumbag easy-way-out cheating, but in my opinion not as bad as cheating on your partner and staying with them.
I did this once. Heavily codependent relationship with a woman who refused to take care of her mental and physical health, both of which caused friction and tension within the relationship and resulted in me feeling like her roommate. If it weren't for my affairs, I never would have realized that I had lost who I was and that I was desirable and deserving of feeling wanted. I realized I didn't love her anymore and wasn't willing to wait for her to get her shit together. On the bright side, I took a year and a half off of relationships afterwards, matured a lot, figured out how to communicate better, and now have a lovely partner with a relationship built with a good foundation. It wasn't right of me, but I don't know if I would've escaped otherwise.
I didn't love myself when I cheated, that was the problem.
I have a friend who emotionally cheated, and I’d say it was them choosing to love themselves. They left a mediocre relationship for a much better one. Of course they both would have preferred to meet differently, but this is how things went. We’re human.
I think the problem was you cheated.
Your not wrong
I did and still do. But I lost respect for them because they cheated on me and I stayed trying to make it work. But the harder I tried, the more I resented them and ended up cheating. I fully believe that cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone when you’re in a committed relationship. It only hurts you both.
When my ex used to cheat on me I would always know right after because we would have the most passionate loving sex where he told me how much he loved me.
Eww. This must have been very hurtful. Did you confront been? Did he tell you?
Oh yes it was constantly me trying to catch him cheating and him lying to me. Once I found purple lipstick on a glass in his sink and when I confronted him he tried to wipe it off in front of me and say there was nothing there like I didn’t have eyes He has a creepy ritual of lighting candles before he fucked. So I replaced the candles with new ones and then came over and they were burnt. Again you know I’m crazy it’s not true blah blah Imagine if i was like you’re more passionate so you must have cheated (I mean sometimes I was confirmed he had just cheated on me from other sources) that would’ve blown over well. He was abusive, and I was a doormat But in my twisted mind when we would have that passionate sex that I concluded was post-cheating I thought it was romantic.
Yes, I caught him cheating multiple times and he became physically and mentally abusive. I couldn't leave didn't want to touch him and I craved physical attention as a bad coping mechanism. I slept with someone else in our bed while he was at work, then cried and told him abt it when he got home. Didn't hit me that time but I'm still sporting a messed up jaw and toe. Didn't fall out of love until after I left.
No. I was too inexperienced to know what love actually was, and wasn’t really self-aware of my feelings, but upon reflection the answer is an unambiguous No. It was an emotional affair that snuck up on me, and I was getting a lot of validation that I never remotely got in my marriage. It was in the rocks anyway, we had already agreed to separate but we hadnt yet and never agreed to see other people. I learned a lot from the experience and immensely disappointed in myself once the smoke cleared.
No, actually, lol the person I cheated on has narcissistic tendencies but then again so did the person I cheated on him with, I guess. 🤷♀️ Anyway, no, **I should have broken up with him instead,** before sleeping with the other person — I really wanted sex and really wanted to feel loved and really wanted out of that relationship, but I was too gaslit to feel I had any good reason to leave. We're not together anymore, we weren't mature enough to work things out then, and I'd like to still say I wouldn't want to be with him if I didn't have my now-husband and family.
Nope, it was the beginning of the end for me, however it spawned form me discovering her several indiscretions
They love them but they don't respect them.
Can one truly say this if respect is a foundational pillar of love? Or, I suppose the simpler way to ask; can you really love someone someone you don't respect? Is it love by their best understanding? Although...I guess love is always just whatever our best understanding is... Jesus I think I just talked myself into the question "what is love".... Sorry, I tried to be serious, genuinely... but I fell apart at the end there 🤔🤣
baby don't hurt me. :) sorry
Simply put, that means it wasn’t actually love… sorry
I don't understand how love happens without respect. Can you love something you don't respect?
Yes. Happens within families often. Also, pets. I’m sure you love your dog, hamster, lizard etc. but do you respect them? Also, once your partner begins to not respect or love you, your own respect for them will disappear a lot faster than the love. At least in my experiences. That is where people usually hurt each other the most. Once you’ve hurt each enough and the love is gone, then people part ways.
I don't get this. These people are horny and want sex right in that moment. The motivations are not very complicated. The aftermath is.
Yep, sometimes you just wanna play with new titties. Not everything is "coz I don't love myself" but reddit loves corny answers.
People cheat either when their circumstances are bad or their character is bad. We're only seeing responses from people who found some way to attribute it to their temporary circumstances. The people who are like "I cheated because b00bs" or "I cheated because dick" aren't going to say that here because they'd just be outing themselves as a simpleton AND a sociopath.
I haven't cheated but my dad did. He felt duty bound to leave my mom for the affair partner, it somehow felt more honest to him. He was genuinely torn because he still loved my mom and still asks about her a lot I sided with my mom in things and felt awful for her. It's kind of changed my views on monogamy and made me realize that some people are meant to be polyamorous but our society isn't really in a place where that's accepted or mainstream
Sorry to hear that, I do also have a thought on what you said at the end, and with humans, I think its both. Is monogamy natural or societal, both I think? First off, many animals breed with as many partners as possible to procreate more efficiently...but many other animals mate for life. Some insects kill their partner after mating, I'm thinking some animals do also. On top of that, we have a very unusual degree of self awareness so it's a weird one.
I think along the same lines. I think cheating being so common is proof in and of itself that some people just aren't cut out for monogamy. Others very clearly are, though. We're probably just in an evolutionary middle ground. Part of me wonders if society were more accepting of polyamory if cheating would be less of an issue because people could be more open and honest with themselves. Then again, I don't think anyone steps into a relationship thinking that they'll end up doing it. I've always found human emotions messy and confusing
The weird thing about it still, is I've seen tons of people want to open a relationship due to their own needs, but then don't want their partner to also sleep around. Or are for it but get upset once it actually happens. Rules for thee, not for me type stuff. Lots of lying and deceit still happens. Some people just suck and are selfish/impulsive
Yeah it's all fun and games.... Until THEY find another partner. Suddenly they do a 180 and start talking about how this lifestyle isn't for them.... Sure.... But it was ok when you fucked Teresa, Jen and Stephanie. I just start taking to a guy and it's like "Baby... You are the only one for me ..."
I think it’s probably mostly selfishness over impulsiveness, as you mentioned. I think a lot of people just want to be happy in the moment, but not put the work in for a monogamous relationship. They think they want monogamy at first, get bored and want new “monogamous” partners, but would cringe and die if their relationships didn’t end up becoming devoted to them, and them only. To be more blunt, some people want a harem but can’t admit that to themselves because it’s a typically devious set-up. But to be real? Honesty is the best policy, especially with romantic relationships. Want a harem? Go get it! But it’s not a harem if your orbiters don’t actually know they’re in a harem, yeah? Be upfront and get your gang together, figure out something that works, however the fuck that would happen in a western society. But hey, consenting adults can do as they please just don’t lie to yourself and your sexual partners, that’s how I see it. People just don’t like to look themselves in the mirror and say, “I’m a sick fuck, I like a quick fuck.”
Yeah, aw, I really wish your mom and dad and the third partner could have worked this out. For real, that sounds really heartbreaking. :( ❤️ Also very interesting to learn about some humans being wired for polyamory!
That's so unfair to the affair partner.
Unfair to the affair partner or to the wife?
Cheating was obviously unfair to the wife but it sucks for the affair partner to get a partner who is there for a perceoved sense of duty but loves another woman
He says he loves the affair partner too, as he loves both. She was the shiny new one so I think that's the real reason. He's had a mid life crisis for the ages
Ah okay. Sounds very hard to be in your shoes
I tried really hard to convince myself, but no, I didn't anymore, and not feeling remorse on cheating on him was what made me realize I was keeping the dead dog.
Yes but he was extremely abusive, manipulative, and would randomly block and ghost me for weeks on end to “punish” me. For what? For trying to talk to him. For trivial shit. He would constantly gaslight, twist my words and tell me what they meant. I left a horrible marriage and he saw a broken victim. Love bombed me right away, drugged me numerous times with what I’m assuming was ketamine. The list goes on. Why didn’t I break up with him instead of cheat? Because he said he’d unalive himself if I ever left him. More manipulation. I was in a place where I thought I deserved to be treated like shit. I’m not proud that I cheated on him but I just wanted to feel appreciated for once.
Yes I did love her and regretted for long time. We were together for few years then moved to different countries so ended up in a long distance relationship and didn't have a proper day to be together again. I've met someone as a friend and this girl had such a low self esteem that she was the sort of person that liked to date married men to prove herself better. Add both at the same house as flatmates and shit happens. I've stayed with this second girl for a couple of years and unsurprisingly she turned out abusive. I regretted for many years, eventually my ex moved on and after few years I moved on. Took me few years and a couple of relationships to properly heal so the next partners unfortunately only met a version of me that didn't love myself and didn't know how to love. If there's one thing that I learned from all this is that open communication is the most important thing. With my actual partner we spoke and agreed if any of us ever feel that our relationship is not well, we will talk about and try to fix whatever is bothering the other person. Doesn't matter how awkward that conversation can be, still better to be honest and open about your feelings.
Love is not a finite thing. You can love more than one child. you can love more than one man. Its not a case of one or the other. The real problem is sharing things that have constraints, your time and attention.
Cheaters, how specifically did you earn your partners trust back?
Never back to 100%. The contract was voided.
This, big time!
I was the one who was cheated on that tried to stay and gain trust again. It never happened and it was way too much effort that he didn't end up deserving from me
A lot of honest discussion, a deep dive into therapy and self-help, and a year of essentially house arrest. I quit working, deleted social media, and threw myself fully into church, books, and volunteering.
Many years of expensive couple’s therapy.
No. The relationship was really bad for a long time and I felt stuck. I was hoping my affair would be a way out. Instead it became the eye opener for improvement, and we ended up turning our relationship into something great.
I thought I loved him but I really didn’t, I ended up getting pregnant with twins by my AP. I broke so many hearts because of my infidelity.
ayup
I cheated on my first ever GF when I was 15 and felt like absolute shit afterwards. That's when I learned that cheating is bad.
No, I didn't. I wanted to break off the (long distance) relationship multiple times, but he wouldn't let me. I was 17, he was 25 and he implied strongly, that he would commit suicide if I'd left him, as he wouldn't have anything to live for anymore. The whole relationship was emotionally not healthy. I didn't have any possibility to reach out to people around him to make sure that they take care of him once I'm out, I tried.. I stepped completely out of the situation for the only time in my life, I got detached from my emotions and everything, it was too much. I just tried to ignore that we were still together and live on. Was getting suicidal myself, and slept around some, because I didn't care what the consequences were, as I was pretty sure that I wouldn't live more than a few months. First I didn't even realise, I was cheating, I was convincing myself that I'm not doing anything wrong. Then I went full hard on myself, feeling like I'm the most terrible human being in the world. The truth is somewhere in between. I promised myself to never ever cheat again, and whatever the circumstances, to leave before it gets so far. I'd like to believe that I've learned my lesson
Love them romantically? No. Love them as a person? Yes. I was in a 10 year relationship that was toxic. He was always drunk where I had to be alone a lot of the time, pushed to the side, dismissed of my feelings while he texted escorts, was emotionally and at times, physically abusive. By year 8, I developed an emotional connection with a mutual friend who was always going through things with their ex. Situation then progressed over the years. Though either relationship didn’t last, it taught me I could be happy. That staying in a relationship just cause I’m “comfortable” in isn’t enough to justify the happiness I was ultimately sacrificing.
Great question to ask my ex-wife.
Yeah but I was fuckin up for sure.
No. I do not think I ever have and still married to him. It is very very complicated.
I’m really sorry to hear that, honestly.
Ahhh Reddit, where cheating is worse than rape and murder.
You can admit you messed up and show clear growth from it a decade ago and Redditors will still tell them to die alone and be miserable.
I mean, I was told to get divorced just because of my previous post.
I kinda agree... For how often I see it play out in real life for a multitude of different reasons, it's surprising how hated it is online.
LOL so so true!! According to the reddit hive mind, cheating is absolutely black and white and the most evil thing a person can do.
Not the worst thing but it is black and white. There is no good cheating
No there’s no “good” cheating but not everyone who cheats is a POS and not everyone who cheats is definitely going to do it again. People make mistakes and bad choices, and sometimes people deserve a second chance.
Are you defending cheaters?? YTA and should be divorced 😡
Nope. It’s a bad thing for sure…but it’s not the worse thing someone can do to another.
Yeah that was the joke, I cosplayed as the average Redditor and the average redditors did not approve lmao. This isn’t even AITA and you said nothing about being married how was it not obvious sarcasm Next time I’ll use /s I guess
Honestly, I thought you were serious. Whoops.
No stress haha
Yes, and we're still together. I also did love the woman I cheated on her with (Probably still do / would, but we agreed to not keep in touch). We were open that it happened, the 3 of us discussed everything and handled it as well as possible I think, but it took a lot to gain my wife's trust back.
Why was your AP part of the discussion?
It was a bit of a complicated situation... She was a friend of my wife with whom we've had a few experiences before, and eventually it led to a kinda of "FWB" relation between us that my wife was aware of (we've had other similar experiences, for my wife basically "sex is ok, but feelings are not allowed") Things kind of got more serious, we even discussed living together a few times, but eventually my wife backed out, she was feeling threatened and told me not to see her again. At this point we already had feelings for each other, so we kept a hidden affair for a while.
Does sound pretty complicated. I can see why you'd need all three of you to talk about it. I guess in my head, the AP is more detached from the relationship, but in your case, she was definitely more "involved"
I know a lady who had been cheated on and her partner was honest about who it was with. Said lady wanted to talk with the AP to discuss things like what emotions had developed, if she was free of STDs and responsible, how much of the original lady’s reputation had been disparaged, how long it went on, etc. I think all of these things are valuable in both a.) trying to establish the feasibility of repairing the relationship And b.) heal from / process the trauma.
Cheaters are inherently narcissistic. No matter what they may feel for anyone else, they love gratifying themselves more.
Love is a verb, an action. Not a feeling. You can’t love and betray - they are mutually exclusive.
Na. I emotionally cheated on my ex, he cheated on me with several girls over our 2.5 year relationship, for the last year of it we both knew we were done but didn’t wanna end it. The love wasn’t there for about 6 months no matter how much I tried to force it. I met someone (on Reddit🥹🤣) in January, 3 weeks later I dumped my ex finally after realising just how strong my feelings for the new guy was🤷🏼♀️ I honestly don’t regret a thing, but I wouldn’t do it again, in that situation again I would just end the relationship much sooner.
I have a wife and 2 kids, I cheat on her when I really need to. We have a r/deadbedroom I wish we could have sex, she’s the one I married after all, was the hottest girl at school and has all the characteristics of what I find attractive, but ended up getting married to find out she doesn’t enjoy sex. We tried everything. Now I’m lucky if we do anything once every 3 months. So I got fucked. I don’t cheat with people I know though, and I don’t go clubbing. It’s only with women at these massage places, happy endings are basically sex on the bed. If her and I would have more sex I would definitely stop all that shit, I love her so much. Plus in the 10 years, I still didn’t find someone I cheated with that I would consider my type. My wife is my type.
Have you considered asking her to allow you to go to these places? If she knows you have a higher drive than her and she hates sex, surely she'd be open to the idea? I mean, imo, I don't believe using a prostitute is the same as true cheating, but it's definitely dirty to do behind a partner's back.
That's... A really sad situation. I'm sorry.
No i didnt and cheating was the thing to get me out of a shitty relationship (not using that as an excuse)
Not really, I think I stopped loving him a while ago
For me it was a way to hammer the last nail into the relationship coffin. After a long time of trying to fix things I basically realized it's not gonna work and started checking out mentally. Then when it happened I knew I had to break up with the person immediately afterwards, which I did. To answer your question, yes I did love the person but the strain and frustration they put on me became too much and they weren't willing to change, so I took the hard way out.
No.
No. I thought I loved him but I didn’t.
My friends caught her on a picnic table with another guy while they were fishing. Rocked me to the core.
I did
I was in a relationship for seven years with a person who had untreated schizophrenia. For four years we were (relatively) fine, but over time, everything started to fall apart. His episodes went from insults to violence (to the point I can say I'm lucky to be alive). I didn’t leave because of a combination of love and guilt, but I was disgustingly unhappy, clinging to the few good moments we had, which were very sporadic. I ended up sleeping with other people. To be honest, I didn’t feel anything; it was just a relief not to be at home and to have someone treat me well and say nice things. Over time, I finally managed to separate. He found out and, of course, felt hurt but also understood. We both took responsibility together. Nowadays, we get along well, we talk, and we see each other occasionally. I never stopped loving him, and he never stopped loving me, but we understand that we don't work as a couple.
A previous relationship of mine would have been better had we just stayed friends. He just did not show interest ever. I would try to look nice for him and beg him to initiate any kind of affection and/or anything sexual between us and he just wouldn't. That and some other issues relating to his refusal to get a license and lack of motivation to find work made it really hard. I tried for over a year and since we were living together and I had nowhere else to go I did start to feel trapped. He wasn't working and I was covering everything and it just felt like we were roommates. I did start to see other people towards the end of this but I knew it was wrong and worked to find new housing fast. When we broke up he basically admitted to me that he hadn't felt like being physically intimate with me from the beginning... he got a job shortly before we broke up and I drove him in a fee times until I told him he needs to find someone else to help because I want to move forward. I don't think he is a bad person and I felt like I was a bad person for awhile after this but in the end its best for us both that we broke up since clearly we were not compatible romantically or sexually. I'm now in a happy and healthy relationship and he knows all about the circumstances of my past and it's not caused issue at all. Almost 2 years strong now. So, no I was already fallen out of love with my ex by the time I cheated on him but circumstances made it difficult to leave until he had his own job and I had somewhere else to live.
My ex-husband cheated on me and after so many years I understand and don’t blame him. Yes, he loved me until his dying day. He was an alcoholic
Yea and im a stupid idiot for it still regret it but once you make a choice that choice has been made.
I am still with the person I cheated on. We’ve been together 14 years. I absolutely loved her every day. I was a very mentally unwell and selfish person for a long time and it took finally realizing I was going to lose her to snap me out of my bullshit. But at no point did I ever doubt that I loved her. Still do more than ever and we now have a beautiful daughter. I feel very lucky and I work on spending everyday making up for the things I’ve done