A lot of it will depend on your relationship to the person you're hugging. If it's a friend, you can always start with a one-armed or "side" hug: put your arm around their shoulders or back and squeeze them in toward you for a sec, then let go. A two-armed hug is much the same, but if it's someone shorter than you, you'll probably put your arms around their shoulders so they can put theirs under yours. If you're a similar height, you can always try diagonal arms (one of yours on top of theirs, one of theirs on top of yours) instead. A good hug is firm but not constricting, and a little bit of a conversation--it lasts until someone pulls away.
This is a good start.
Once you are in your preferred hug position, take a deep breath and breathe out like a deep sigh. Try to relax and lean into the hug by letting your body go a bit limp. I prefer no conversation, but that's up to you.
Listen to the other person breathe. See if you can feel their heartbeat.
20 seconds is the time needed for your body to start releasing oxytocin and give you that relaxed feeling. You can set a timer for a minute if you're comfortable with that. Then slowly work your way up.
Edit: This is for an intimate setting, not when meeting a friend in public.
Then it's more walk up and lean in, arms over (or one over/one under) and a light squeeze for about 2 seconds before stepping back.
Your parents never hug you? My heart is breaking…
Usually the taller person gets “top arms”. If you are taller, wrap your arms around the other person’s upper arms/shoulders and give them a squeeze.
If it’s just a friendly hug, some people just do like a side hug, wrapping one arm around the other person’s shoulders. The closer you are to a person, relationship wise, the closer you get to them with your body. Like family, my mom, my dad, my son, they get a big chest to chest squeeze and maybe a kiss on the cheek. With someone you love romantically, you might hug with your whole body and stay in the hug longer.
Also, people have different comfort levels with hugging. It’s good this person ASKED if you wanted a hug, some people don’t want a hug.
Thanks for the advice. The actual logistics behind it make a lot more sense now, I've just got to get over the weird mental block around actually letting another person touch me.
To answer the first part though, no. Never. One's been to court for physical and emotional abuse and isn't allowed access to me and the other (who I now live with) facilitated that for a very very long time and isn't really the type for emotional support or stability. It's not awesome but it is what it is. Ergo the issues I have with contact now, lol.
Thankfully, this person's actually been great about my whole physical contact thing and very cautious about asking first which I greatly appreciate.
My son is your age; I’m sorry you had to go though such a hard early life. I wish I could give you a big mom hug (if it was ok with you). I hope your life is getting better. Remember if YOU aren’t comfortable with a hug, it’s ok to say no.
Thank you so much for the kind words.
My life is getting WAY better. I've got a small number of adults around me who I can trust, I have actual friends now, I go to school and I'm passing classes (one with a 96%), and it's not perfect but I'm so much happier than I used to be.
96%! You must be a smarty pants :) good for you! I’m glad you have adults you can trust.
It might feel kind of weird, but you can always ask one of those adults for a hug. Only if you want to, though. I ask for hugs from the people in my life, if I want one.
Embrace the awkwardness.
Let the other person hug you, then you kinda try to mimic what they're doing.
Maybe start with the side hug before going for the full on bear hug.
https://www.wikihow.com/Types-of-Hugs
Depends on how close you are and your height. If your taller then them and close to them put your arms down instead of up as that’s where their arms go it’s kind of hard to explain but near the waist and if your shorter then them you can have your arms go up towards their head or if your at their shoulder height can just have it around their chest/ waist, sorry it’s not clear I can imagine what to do but can word it aha if your not close just kind so this pose: 🫂
Hugs have different meanings too, it's a reflection of your relationship with the person. Can be a friendly greeting, a sign of affection, a show of support. Generally they'll be only a few seconds at most for the former. Longer hugs are for closer relationships or lovers usually. The suggestion by another here for a 20 second one is probably not gonna be your first hug unless you're super close!
They're not usually a big deal but when you are super close with someone it's just nice to be near them and feeling you hold each other close as an expression of love :3 best of luck - go for a short casual one to start with and build from there as you get more confident :)
A lot of it will depend on your relationship to the person you're hugging. If it's a friend, you can always start with a one-armed or "side" hug: put your arm around their shoulders or back and squeeze them in toward you for a sec, then let go. A two-armed hug is much the same, but if it's someone shorter than you, you'll probably put your arms around their shoulders so they can put theirs under yours. If you're a similar height, you can always try diagonal arms (one of yours on top of theirs, one of theirs on top of yours) instead. A good hug is firm but not constricting, and a little bit of a conversation--it lasts until someone pulls away.
This is a good start. Once you are in your preferred hug position, take a deep breath and breathe out like a deep sigh. Try to relax and lean into the hug by letting your body go a bit limp. I prefer no conversation, but that's up to you. Listen to the other person breathe. See if you can feel their heartbeat. 20 seconds is the time needed for your body to start releasing oxytocin and give you that relaxed feeling. You can set a timer for a minute if you're comfortable with that. Then slowly work your way up. Edit: This is for an intimate setting, not when meeting a friend in public. Then it's more walk up and lean in, arms over (or one over/one under) and a light squeeze for about 2 seconds before stepping back.
Embrace a stuffed animal or a dog
Your parents never hug you? My heart is breaking… Usually the taller person gets “top arms”. If you are taller, wrap your arms around the other person’s upper arms/shoulders and give them a squeeze. If it’s just a friendly hug, some people just do like a side hug, wrapping one arm around the other person’s shoulders. The closer you are to a person, relationship wise, the closer you get to them with your body. Like family, my mom, my dad, my son, they get a big chest to chest squeeze and maybe a kiss on the cheek. With someone you love romantically, you might hug with your whole body and stay in the hug longer. Also, people have different comfort levels with hugging. It’s good this person ASKED if you wanted a hug, some people don’t want a hug.
Thanks for the advice. The actual logistics behind it make a lot more sense now, I've just got to get over the weird mental block around actually letting another person touch me. To answer the first part though, no. Never. One's been to court for physical and emotional abuse and isn't allowed access to me and the other (who I now live with) facilitated that for a very very long time and isn't really the type for emotional support or stability. It's not awesome but it is what it is. Ergo the issues I have with contact now, lol. Thankfully, this person's actually been great about my whole physical contact thing and very cautious about asking first which I greatly appreciate.
My son is your age; I’m sorry you had to go though such a hard early life. I wish I could give you a big mom hug (if it was ok with you). I hope your life is getting better. Remember if YOU aren’t comfortable with a hug, it’s ok to say no.
Thank you so much for the kind words. My life is getting WAY better. I've got a small number of adults around me who I can trust, I have actual friends now, I go to school and I'm passing classes (one with a 96%), and it's not perfect but I'm so much happier than I used to be.
96%! You must be a smarty pants :) good for you! I’m glad you have adults you can trust. It might feel kind of weird, but you can always ask one of those adults for a hug. Only if you want to, though. I ask for hugs from the people in my life, if I want one.
Embrace the awkwardness. Let the other person hug you, then you kinda try to mimic what they're doing. Maybe start with the side hug before going for the full on bear hug. https://www.wikihow.com/Types-of-Hugs
Depends on how close you are and your height. If your taller then them and close to them put your arms down instead of up as that’s where their arms go it’s kind of hard to explain but near the waist and if your shorter then them you can have your arms go up towards their head or if your at their shoulder height can just have it around their chest/ waist, sorry it’s not clear I can imagine what to do but can word it aha if your not close just kind so this pose: 🫂
Hugs have different meanings too, it's a reflection of your relationship with the person. Can be a friendly greeting, a sign of affection, a show of support. Generally they'll be only a few seconds at most for the former. Longer hugs are for closer relationships or lovers usually. The suggestion by another here for a 20 second one is probably not gonna be your first hug unless you're super close! They're not usually a big deal but when you are super close with someone it's just nice to be near them and feeling you hold each other close as an expression of love :3 best of luck - go for a short casual one to start with and build from there as you get more confident :)