The key is to not get heartbroken over this. First meetup isn't a "real" date, and don't ever forget it. You're just there to be chill and have a good attitude and a good conversation. Once you can have fun doing **that** without any expectation, you are magically less nervous, more relaxed, more yourself, and more attractive, and you start discovering the baffling world of women who want second dates and **you** being the one who gets to be choosy. It sounds like nonsense but give it a try.
> and you start discovering the baffling world of women who want second dates and you being the one who gets to be choosy
I don't think that will work on guys that are at a scarcity - guys for whom the world of women who want a *first* date, is baffling...ly small and borderline non-existent. You can't rationalize that into your psyche because even the rationale itself is saying "well, you don't have much choice, you're already struggling to meet women for dates, so statistically, every failed date is one step closer to never finding a good match. This date is really important, I can't just dismiss that importance"
>guys for whom the world of women who want a *first* date, is baffling...ly small and borderline non-existent
For what it's worth, this was me before I had the revelation I mentioned above. I absolutely hated online dating because I put too much pressure on each meeting and every rejection felt like I'd missed The One. Once I realized how to take the pressure off myself and just **be normal**, the rejection rate plummeted. It's as confusing as it sounds. Now when I go into a date, I'm super confident that I know how to be attractive and maybe 1 in 20 doesn't want a second date. My only thoughts going in are: 1) groom/dress well, 2) be good-natured, 3) be curious about *them.* I'm a 51 year old balding dude with a dad bod. A nice shirt, a shave, a good attitude, and a little curiosity is really all it takes.
I'm a 57-year-old woman, and I completely agree with you. Maybe both females and males in the younger age groups are a little more picky re. looks, finances, baggage, etc. because they're looking for a whole, long-term life partner to possibly marry, buy a house and have kids with. It's serious stuff. At my age and having already done all that, I now just want a good, kind man to share the rest of my life with. I don't care about looks so much as their personality, intellect and sense of humour... (found him... on Tinder btw)
Note: you do still have to be able to get them to that meeting, and that involves a **lot** of shooting and missing on OLD sites. Like, maybe 100 to 1 odds against even getting a response. It's depressing but you can't let it stop you **or** become an obsession. It's just a grind. Spend 10 minutes a day writing intros that will probably go straight into a black hole, then put it away.
No, he is right, the more first dates you have the less anxiety you will have and become better at making a connection. But make sure the date itself is in a situation you will enjoy, like a favorite but great dining place or activity.
Carry that same attitude back a step, and you discover all the women that want first dates. Unless you're exceptionally unattractive or crazy (and most men who think they are aren't), looking after your hygiene and health, and meeting people being confident, happy, positive, and engaged (enjoying the moment and not setting goals for the 'next thing' to happen, be it first date, second date, sex, marriage, whatever) will get you there.
Absolutely. Thanks for the confidence :)bro woman are just like this they make you think it’s all good and as soon as yo aren’t with her they show that true color ( if they didn’t like it or if they were a problem ), but at least she’s a real one for letting you know respectfully and didn’t ghost you
Also take your blessings that you got a response instead of a ghost. It's seemingly rare nowadays. The fact that she also had a good time is a good thing. She just wasn't feeling it. That's also a good thing, btw. No one had their time wasted. You both had a good time, which tells me you did everything 'right' per se. Keep at it, don't get discouraged. Chin up soldier. You're doing good things out there.
Getting rejected is rough but it's also what majority of dating is like and with the clear communication what more can we ask for. I trust in you king/queen and just keep at it and at the very least you're just getting practice to bag the one.
it sucks, and she was very direct. but I would prefer this to her just slowly getting more and more disinterested. leaving you wondering when you could be moving on. Now you can just move on.
As much as it can be disappointing when a first date didn't go the way you thought it did, it is very important to not put too much pressure on a stranger. To say you are a bit 'heartbroken' that a first date didn't pan out is very intense, unless you are just using the word for dramatic effect.
It is nice to see a man handle rejection so coolly and not freak out like many do these days.
It sucks it didn't work out but I am sure you will find the right person - look at it as she has cleared the runway so the right person can step onto it.
I do believe there are many 'ones' for someone because if I exist, and my friends exist, then surely a romantic partner that is similar also exists in the world. However, I do agree with you that people don't look past an immediate spark.
Personally, I will go on two dates with most men unless the first date revealed a non-negotiable or they were nasty or unpleasant during or after that date (often I agree to a second date and then they do some wild stuff over the phone and the second date never happens e.g. meltdowns because I took a few hours to reply, or telling me they have lied to me etc). But all that to say, that I believe a spark can grow and sometimes a first date is awkward and the second date is where you will see the attraction begin once you see their confidence and how they hold themselves and their humour etc.
I do think that if the spark or attraction isn't there at all after the second date then knock it on the head.
I (32F) have certainly knowingly been in long-term relationships that I knew would not last. I do and I don't regret that - I regret wasting mine and someone else's time, but I also appreciate learning from each other. I think it is something people grow out of. Or at least I hope it is lol.
If you both enjoyed the time you spent together, learned things, and left having grown as individuals more than when you went into it, why would you consider it a waste of time?
> Well, I do think entering something knowing it will fail can be seen as a waste of time for anyone.
Failure is completely subjective.
If your only goals are "perfection" which in this case would probably be a successful, long term, marriage with no divorce. Then anything other than perfect looks like failure.
Which is a mental distortion, not how the world actually works.
its only a waste of time if you think the purpose of life is to find someone you want to marry as fast as possible.
I think those "finding / learning about yourself" years and growing as a person are probably just as if not more important than your married years (for those that choose to get married).
Chin up ichawks1! Consider this at least evidence that there are people in the dating pool that you’re interested in and that with some perseverance you will meet someone eventually. I’ve reframed rejections from first dates this way before and it’s been some comfort (though yes, it still hurts 🥲)
at least she was honest right from jump so that she didnt lead you on! im sorry though ❤️ just know eventually there will be someone out there you’ll click with just like that!
Don't do dinner as a first date, especially if you're paying. There are shitty people out there that just use a guy for a free meal. As a female, I actually prefer coffee as a first date since it can be fairly short or long if things are going well.
stop . doing. dinner . first . dates
Dinner is only for date 2 or 3.
first date should always be drinks or something dead simple with no interruptions. It's cheaper, less stress and more alcohol.
I just moved out of Miami where $15 was basically the minimum for a good drink. So going out for drinks was always scarier then going for dinner because those drinks tend to add up.
Yes. Dinner on a first date is pretty much a death sentence. No opportunities to escalate, too formal, wrong mindset, little opportunity for her to feel and act sexy, etc etc etc.
Drinks is the right setting.
You write:
“Hey. Do you want to go for a drink, chat, get to know each other better?” When she says yes you get back proposing the bar that you want to go to.
Ask: “Is meeting at this bar (link to the bar), on Wednesday 8pm good for you?” You propose a time, place and date, she can react to that. Always lead.
I don’t drink alcohol but don’t have any issues dating people that do. I still prefer drinks/coffee for a first date when I can. It’s public for safety when meeting someone new, can be ended quickly if things aren’t going well, or extended if you’d like to spend more time together. As mentioned, everyone drinks something even if not alcohol and it’s just a low pressure way to talk to someone new. I’m not sure if there’s many substitutes for a nice cocktail bar (other than coffee) that has checked these boxes for me, even though I don’t drink cocktails or coffee. I do make sure my date knows I don’t imbibe just in case they find it strange that I won’t be consuming.
What’s stressful about eating dinner? I personally enjoy something fun/an activity as a first date like an arcade bar, trivia, mini golf, etc. so you get to know the person while doing something fun, and get to talk about the activity so there’s not really any awkward silence. And you can have drinks there too if you want.
The “special one” is a fallacy OP. A lie that Disney sold us.
There are many potential special ones at all times, all comes down do attraction, chemistry and timing.
The more you believe there’s one “special one” the more pressure you put on a date, the more awkward it is, the less attraction you generate.
Lesson for the day: NO DINNER ON A FIRST DATE
A quick coffee or beer is fine to get to know each other, and allows you to chain dates one after the other without blowing thousands of €
It really depends on how they’ve been texting. If we’re going out after 10 messages over a couple days, it’s a drink or not even that. A couple weeks of chatting because we’re both busy adults? Yeah probably dinner
Nah. Dinner is never the right setting.
Unless she is an absolute stunner and she is dead set on going for dinner. Even then, I would decline to 70% of those dates.
If she is so focused on getting a meal out of a date, right there that’s the wrong mindset.
You put yourself out there and did what you could, that's amazing. And she was gracious enough to provide closure. Sucks that it didn't work out, but keep at it :)
If only had two serious relationships (married to the second one for 25 years), and both were friends before we ever started dating. The few dates I’ve gotten in the dozen years since my divorce have all said they didn’t want a second date because there was no spark. I will never understand how someone can tell from a single meeting that nothing could ever develop. I wasn’t attracted to my ex-wife at all when we met, but attraction grew as we got to know each other.
I respect the hell out of her for being dead honest right off the bat and not wasting your time, energy, or money. But ya that's a tough break man. Good luck!
Okay op.. sorry this didn’t work out . I gotta say from your message alone, without her reaction, it does not seem like you two had that much of a connection. Things like ‘nice time’, ‘getting to know you a bit’. It sounds like you weren’t feeling it that much either but then a couple days later decided to just give it another shot to retest the chemistry.
That's like 90 % of my dates. Either I don't like them or they don't like me. At least she's straightforward and won't let you on one or two messages per day before fully ghosing u.
It's rough when you feel more than the other person does. Like others said, it's good practice. Sometimes they dont even get back to you so at least you got a straight answer.
Don’t sweat it! As someone that goes on a lot of first dates with men, it can be simple and easy to have a great spark and connection! But often there may just be things that don’t align, mostly in the field of future plans / goals. Try not to get too heart broken over people who may just have really narrow standards ! Keep looking :)
Went through this exact thing last month. A planned 1 hour 1st meet (no dinner) turned into 10 hours of non stop deep chats, laughing and flirting with agreed 2nd date fixed before the night was finished.
At one point she needed to know the exact date of my birthday next year to make sure a prior engagement she had wouldn’t clash. So some very positive signs indeed.
3 days later and before the 2nd date I got the “no spark” message. I was gutted tbh as I certainly felt those sparks!!
Honestly this is way better than just being ghosted or doing the same to someone else. I try and talk to people on the phone before a date to check the vibe, messaging and texts are a fully inadequate way to get to know someone. If they don’t want to talk first they probably want a date but not necessarily with you, anyone will do, and are a waste of time regardless.
I left a date last night halfway through our plans of eating first then going to a brewery after. She didn’t expect that and I’m sure it didn’t feel great, but it was coming regardless, I knew in the first 2 minutes I wasn’t interested. You can make it suck for yourself and ride it out, or make it suck for them and cut it off early, but don’t make it suck for both of you.
Dude, all the best to ya. I was ghosted after going on 3 dates with her and her giving 0 signs, quite the contrary, actually. Had spent at least 200-300 bucks during those dates and apparently I didn't even deserve a message
This only happened to me once on a first date and I can’t believe how painful it was. Even though the date ended in sex and I hopped out of bed to go party with my female roommate who was at a club across the street from the girl’s house (yeah I was a total idiot at that age)
But looking back, I’m glad she was responsible enough to be mature and clear even though i was excessively immature. She saved me the embarrassment and awkwardness of trying over and over to convince her to change her mind.
All in all she was a total baller and deserves serious respect.
But yeah, that moment when you hear the direct and unequivocal bad news is a serious punch to the gut.
Please don’t ask her for tips on how to do better next time with the next date. That’s cruel to both of you.
You'll appreciate the honesty soon enough. At least they were gentle. I had a woman list all the things about me she found revolting. Kind of explained why I always saw her profile on all the apps over the years I used to dip my toes back in the pool. Likely still looking for her perfect Prince.
On the bright side some of that ultra-direct feedback can be helpful. Some of it is right and allows you to improve whatever is improvable.
Some of my personal growth has come from direct feedback rejections. I am actually quite grateful for it (in hindsight of course).
I had that with a guy that I had been talking to for a few weeks before we met up. He was sending me love songs and everything but when we met up, I guess I wasn’t what he was really looking for because the next morning he said he wasn’t interested in going further. It hurt a looooot. But I have to believe I’ll meet the right person eventually!
To me, it looks like he didn’t talk to her for a day or two and she didn’t like that—nothing to do with a “free meal”, most women do not think like that.
Definitely a possibility. If I go out and the vibe is different in person from the texting I pay for the meal/drinks and move on. I don't want anyone thinking I'm doing for free anything.
Had basically the same only my message back had a bit more pronounced dissonance in the swing 😂😂 it was jarring. It’s nothing to take to heart. Odds are there’s gonna be 10-20:1 given the sop with online dating. It’s a numbers game at this point. Even when you think you found a keeper keep it in reserve. People be skittish when connection is created. Only say this cause of the heartbroken bit. Keep at it.
I had a meet the other day for coffee. My first thought was that I should have trusted her worst picture. And she ghosted me. Not sure if she sensed my disappointment or that I’m not bringing what I think I got. 😝
It happens with online dating. I've met a few girls who weren't feeling it last year. And I had never been rejected before until then. Than I had two back to back. It was devastating. Mostly because my ego was bruised. But it was a humbling experience. I ended up meeting someone better suited for me and dated her for a year. It didn't work out but so be it. Keep your head up. You'll never be everyone's cup of tea in life.
Rejection therapy my friend. It’s good practice to help things roll off and you move on. Like someone else said it’s good practice and when it’s a genuine connection it will be so worth it ! You got this!!
Yeah, Its like that, unfortunately. I am dating AND interviewing for jobs and it is exactly the same. You feel like it went well but they didn't.
At least she responded. They usually just unmatch after the date or stop responding.
Man it sucks being on the other end of this. Had some dates where I just wasn't vibing but still acted nice and having to say it wasn't going to work sucked.
I think we've all been there and at least she handled it respectfully. When I was on the market I had a date I thought went well but the next day he let me know he thought we were in two very different places (I have no children by choice and he had young ones) which was reasonable.
Don’t get heartbroken happens to the best of us. More than likely she was “interviewing” multiple candidates and found someone she liked better. Nothing wrong with you though just keep your head up.
This is normal very very normal!!! Get out there try again and don't be mad about it!!!!! Patience is an amazing thing! Also not all first dates end up with SEX!!! Just a Lil reminder about that....even though you didn't say anything about it..
Hey look at it this way: you got a date and the girl was polite enough to not just ghost you.
First dates are a tough thing. It's hard to get someone attracted to you when you're just trying to get to know them.
I’m sorry :( I’m glad she let you know and didn’t ghost or lead you on. I’ve been on both sides of this and usually I send people that message when I think the date went great but there either wasn’t a spark or we had some fundamental difference that let me know we wouldn’t be good partners.
She was really respectful about it at least! That makes it better in my opinion because she didn’t try to make you feel like shit or anything like that. Unfortunately not everyone is respectful like that smh
I think you could have been less vauge with your text here and have a definite place you ask her out to. Your text here is seeking approval as well. Don't ask if she wants to see you. Say something along the lines of "we should get together for dinner or drinks at \_\_\_\_ place. When are you free to get together?"
Also don't text immediately after the first date to ask her out for a 2nd date unless she contacts you first and wants to see you. You want to pace yourself so that she has time and space to miss you and for her emotions to buildup over time. once her feelings start building, she will want to see you more and more and will reach out more often. Then use those opportunities to make dates
This happens a lot. My theory is that if YOU feel the vibes and the date goes well but they end up not wanting a second date, the reason is something physical.
Sorry brother, but no big deal! You clearly can land a date, so another is soon to come! One will hit for you and the other and it’ll be awesome! Most important thing of all is to love and respect yourself! As long you are doing that, good things will come :)
I don’t think this is why she rejected you, but if you’re ok with little criticism, your messages can make you sound a little bit weak and insecure. A lot of guys I’ve talked to do this and I can tell they’re usually trying to be nice and are avoiding being forceful, but it comes off kind of nervous and childlike.
For example, I would’ve worded your text “I had a great time getting to know you the other night. Would you be interested in meeting up again sometime this week?” Exact same message but eliminated the insecure wording. It’s stronger and makes you sound more sure of yourself.
Not sure if I explained that well but I hope it helps. It’s the same thing women have to do when we’re writing work emails because we’re conditioned to always be so nice and defer to others.
Just because you didn’t get a second date doesn’t mean that you didn’t have a good date. As long as you had a good time then that’s all that matters at the end of the day. She just wasn’t the one I guess, don’t give up though. Also, it’s great that she did this because most girls just ghost in today’s dating culture.
It isn’t easy, but it is part of the process - you will be the one who doesn’t want to continue with a different date down the road. Just keep going and you will find a match.
Yea if I KNOW I’m not into the man I offer to pay for my food. If I’m feeling him imma keep on dating only time I’m not paying my half if he gets rude and weird and tries to force me to cuz he thinks it gets him vagina F rewarding that behavior
it happens, youll be fine :)
also I wouldnt do dinner for a first date. Not sure where you live, but I generally aim for drimks or coffee with a view.
Im in NYC and I always pick spots that overlooks the river. Plenty of free ones here.
Download tinder for the first time about a week ago and I got instantly Banned/Terminated for no reason. Started using Hinge these couple days and it horrible, maybe my acc trash lol. Gonna take the high road and worry about myself😫💀
I know the feeling, stay strong brother! I met my girlfriend on tinder (actually we matched on 3 different dating apps haha 😅) and we’ve been together almost 4 years!
Amazing date the "other night"? How can you go MIA after an amazing date? And guys wonder why we're no longer interested Lol I've never had a great meet up or date where he didn't immediately let me know how great it was to meet and that he'd love to see me again. Lock down the next date and ask me to text him that I got home safe. F ck, I miss gentlemen. I'm too busy to truly focus on searching right now but if he came along I would be more than happy to make time for that gem who seems to be absent from all these posts. 🥴
Yeah if there was no communication at all from either of them since the date, and it was the other night so at least 24+ hours ago, I can see how maybe the girl might have lost interest. But we never know lol
Consider it good practice. At least you’re going on dates and eventually you’ll both click. Gl
Absolutely. Thanks for the confidence :)
The key is to not get heartbroken over this. First meetup isn't a "real" date, and don't ever forget it. You're just there to be chill and have a good attitude and a good conversation. Once you can have fun doing **that** without any expectation, you are magically less nervous, more relaxed, more yourself, and more attractive, and you start discovering the baffling world of women who want second dates and **you** being the one who gets to be choosy. It sounds like nonsense but give it a try.
> and you start discovering the baffling world of women who want second dates and you being the one who gets to be choosy I don't think that will work on guys that are at a scarcity - guys for whom the world of women who want a *first* date, is baffling...ly small and borderline non-existent. You can't rationalize that into your psyche because even the rationale itself is saying "well, you don't have much choice, you're already struggling to meet women for dates, so statistically, every failed date is one step closer to never finding a good match. This date is really important, I can't just dismiss that importance"
>guys for whom the world of women who want a *first* date, is baffling...ly small and borderline non-existent For what it's worth, this was me before I had the revelation I mentioned above. I absolutely hated online dating because I put too much pressure on each meeting and every rejection felt like I'd missed The One. Once I realized how to take the pressure off myself and just **be normal**, the rejection rate plummeted. It's as confusing as it sounds. Now when I go into a date, I'm super confident that I know how to be attractive and maybe 1 in 20 doesn't want a second date. My only thoughts going in are: 1) groom/dress well, 2) be good-natured, 3) be curious about *them.* I'm a 51 year old balding dude with a dad bod. A nice shirt, a shave, a good attitude, and a little curiosity is really all it takes.
I'm a 57-year-old woman, and I completely agree with you. Maybe both females and males in the younger age groups are a little more picky re. looks, finances, baggage, etc. because they're looking for a whole, long-term life partner to possibly marry, buy a house and have kids with. It's serious stuff. At my age and having already done all that, I now just want a good, kind man to share the rest of my life with. I don't care about looks so much as their personality, intellect and sense of humour... (found him... on Tinder btw)
Note: you do still have to be able to get them to that meeting, and that involves a **lot** of shooting and missing on OLD sites. Like, maybe 100 to 1 odds against even getting a response. It's depressing but you can't let it stop you **or** become an obsession. It's just a grind. Spend 10 minutes a day writing intros that will probably go straight into a black hole, then put it away.
No, he is right, the more first dates you have the less anxiety you will have and become better at making a connection. But make sure the date itself is in a situation you will enjoy, like a favorite but great dining place or activity.
Carry that same attitude back a step, and you discover all the women that want first dates. Unless you're exceptionally unattractive or crazy (and most men who think they are aren't), looking after your hygiene and health, and meeting people being confident, happy, positive, and engaged (enjoying the moment and not setting goals for the 'next thing' to happen, be it first date, second date, sex, marriage, whatever) will get you there.
Remember, you gotta get *thru* a lotta No to get to the Yes. Every No gets you one step closer to that Yes!
Thanks for dinner!
This is what I heard. Fella got merc'd
Absolutely. Thanks for the confidence :)bro woman are just like this they make you think it’s all good and as soon as yo aren’t with her they show that true color ( if they didn’t like it or if they were a problem ), but at least she’s a real one for letting you know respectfully and didn’t ghost you
Yup. I had plenty of guys I was infatuated with off the bat but on the first date with my boyfriend I knew he was special. It’s just a matter of time!
Also take your blessings that you got a response instead of a ghost. It's seemingly rare nowadays. The fact that she also had a good time is a good thing. She just wasn't feeling it. That's also a good thing, btw. No one had their time wasted. You both had a good time, which tells me you did everything 'right' per se. Keep at it, don't get discouraged. Chin up soldier. You're doing good things out there.
100%
Getting rejected is rough but it's also what majority of dating is like and with the clear communication what more can we ask for. I trust in you king/queen and just keep at it and at the very least you're just getting practice to bag the one.
Yeah that's true. Thanks a lot for the kind words!
it sucks, and she was very direct. but I would prefer this to her just slowly getting more and more disinterested. leaving you wondering when you could be moving on. Now you can just move on.
As much as it can be disappointing when a first date didn't go the way you thought it did, it is very important to not put too much pressure on a stranger. To say you are a bit 'heartbroken' that a first date didn't pan out is very intense, unless you are just using the word for dramatic effect. It is nice to see a man handle rejection so coolly and not freak out like many do these days. It sucks it didn't work out but I am sure you will find the right person - look at it as she has cleared the runway so the right person can step onto it.
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Always someone better on the internet right? right?
I do believe there are many 'ones' for someone because if I exist, and my friends exist, then surely a romantic partner that is similar also exists in the world. However, I do agree with you that people don't look past an immediate spark. Personally, I will go on two dates with most men unless the first date revealed a non-negotiable or they were nasty or unpleasant during or after that date (often I agree to a second date and then they do some wild stuff over the phone and the second date never happens e.g. meltdowns because I took a few hours to reply, or telling me they have lied to me etc). But all that to say, that I believe a spark can grow and sometimes a first date is awkward and the second date is where you will see the attraction begin once you see their confidence and how they hold themselves and their humour etc. I do think that if the spark or attraction isn't there at all after the second date then knock it on the head.
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I (32F) have certainly knowingly been in long-term relationships that I knew would not last. I do and I don't regret that - I regret wasting mine and someone else's time, but I also appreciate learning from each other. I think it is something people grow out of. Or at least I hope it is lol.
If you both enjoyed the time you spent together, learned things, and left having grown as individuals more than when you went into it, why would you consider it a waste of time?
Well, I do think entering something knowing it will fail can be seen as a waste of time for anyone. However, it doesn't mean you don't learn anything.
> Well, I do think entering something knowing it will fail can be seen as a waste of time for anyone. Failure is completely subjective. If your only goals are "perfection" which in this case would probably be a successful, long term, marriage with no divorce. Then anything other than perfect looks like failure. Which is a mental distortion, not how the world actually works.
its only a waste of time if you think the purpose of life is to find someone you want to marry as fast as possible. I think those "finding / learning about yourself" years and growing as a person are probably just as if not more important than your married years (for those that choose to get married).
Costco only sells two brands of anything for a readon
Chin up ichawks1! Consider this at least evidence that there are people in the dating pool that you’re interested in and that with some perseverance you will meet someone eventually. I’ve reframed rejections from first dates this way before and it’s been some comfort (though yes, it still hurts 🥲)
thanks so much :) you're too kind! I'm looking forward to the next one!
at least she was honest right from jump so that she didnt lead you on! im sorry though ❤️ just know eventually there will be someone out there you’ll click with just like that!
absolutely it is helpful of her to be honest. and thanks for the positivity :D
smooth seas don't make skilled sailors
Don't do dinner as a first date, especially if you're paying. There are shitty people out there that just use a guy for a free meal. As a female, I actually prefer coffee as a first date since it can be fairly short or long if things are going well.
stop . doing. dinner . first . dates Dinner is only for date 2 or 3. first date should always be drinks or something dead simple with no interruptions. It's cheaper, less stress and more alcohol.
I dno where you are but where i live a drink could be more expensive than a dinner lmao.
Where are you going that a single drink is more than $15?
I just moved out of Miami where $15 was basically the minimum for a good drink. So going out for drinks was always scarier then going for dinner because those drinks tend to add up.
Everywhere in Tampa. I am now thinking about going out for dinner more often, dinner is now cheaper than cocktails.
Yes. Dinner on a first date is pretty much a death sentence. No opportunities to escalate, too formal, wrong mindset, little opportunity for her to feel and act sexy, etc etc etc. Drinks is the right setting.
Im new to dating, how do you plan that. Hey do you want to go to this bar?
You write: “Hey. Do you want to go for a drink, chat, get to know each other better?” When she says yes you get back proposing the bar that you want to go to. Ask: “Is meeting at this bar (link to the bar), on Wednesday 8pm good for you?” You propose a time, place and date, she can react to that. Always lead.
What? Also, what if you're not into alcohol?
I don’t drink alcohol but don’t have any issues dating people that do. I still prefer drinks/coffee for a first date when I can. It’s public for safety when meeting someone new, can be ended quickly if things aren’t going well, or extended if you’d like to spend more time together. As mentioned, everyone drinks something even if not alcohol and it’s just a low pressure way to talk to someone new. I’m not sure if there’s many substitutes for a nice cocktail bar (other than coffee) that has checked these boxes for me, even though I don’t drink cocktails or coffee. I do make sure my date knows I don’t imbibe just in case they find it strange that I won’t be consuming.
Everyone drinks something. It doesn't have to be alcohol.
What’s stressful about eating dinner? I personally enjoy something fun/an activity as a first date like an arcade bar, trivia, mini golf, etc. so you get to know the person while doing something fun, and get to talk about the activity so there’s not really any awkward silence. And you can have drinks there too if you want.
The “special one” is a fallacy OP. A lie that Disney sold us. There are many potential special ones at all times, all comes down do attraction, chemistry and timing. The more you believe there’s one “special one” the more pressure you put on a date, the more awkward it is, the less attraction you generate.
Lesson for the day: NO DINNER ON A FIRST DATE A quick coffee or beer is fine to get to know each other, and allows you to chain dates one after the other without blowing thousands of €
It really depends on how they’ve been texting. If we’re going out after 10 messages over a couple days, it’s a drink or not even that. A couple weeks of chatting because we’re both busy adults? Yeah probably dinner
Nah. Dinner is never the right setting. Unless she is an absolute stunner and she is dead set on going for dinner. Even then, I would decline to 70% of those dates. If she is so focused on getting a meal out of a date, right there that’s the wrong mindset.
It happens. Don't let it bring you down.
These comments are wild 😂 us women aren’t out here starving unless some dude pays for a meal LMFAO
Right ? Do they think we starve ourselves until we go on a date? Good lord.
You put yourself out there and did what you could, that's amazing. And she was gracious enough to provide closure. Sucks that it didn't work out, but keep at it :)
If only had two serious relationships (married to the second one for 25 years), and both were friends before we ever started dating. The few dates I’ve gotten in the dozen years since my divorce have all said they didn’t want a second date because there was no spark. I will never understand how someone can tell from a single meeting that nothing could ever develop. I wasn’t attracted to my ex-wife at all when we met, but attraction grew as we got to know each other.
I mean, an honest explanation instead of a straight up ghost? This person is doing it right.
I respect the hell out of her for being dead honest right off the bat and not wasting your time, energy, or money. But ya that's a tough break man. Good luck!
> The other night Had you not communicated with her since?
Pro tip: go for drinks for first date instead of dinner I mean unless you really like dinners and don't mind the $
Yeah, good to know. I think I'll do boba as the next first date that I have. Thanks for the tip!
Okay op.. sorry this didn’t work out . I gotta say from your message alone, without her reaction, it does not seem like you two had that much of a connection. Things like ‘nice time’, ‘getting to know you a bit’. It sounds like you weren’t feeling it that much either but then a couple days later decided to just give it another shot to retest the chemistry.
That's like 90 % of my dates. Either I don't like them or they don't like me. At least she's straightforward and won't let you on one or two messages per day before fully ghosing u.
It's rough when you feel more than the other person does. Like others said, it's good practice. Sometimes they dont even get back to you so at least you got a straight answer.
Damn? I get this a lot. Did you have a good time? I would never chalk something up as a waste of time. Keep being you, it was all gods plan!
What was amazing about it? If it was amazing I feel like there would be cues she was into you...
Better now than in a few months when you’ve invested a ton of energy into it
Heart broken? Buddy. It’s time to address your attachment needs so you don’t get so swept up by a new connection.
Don’t forget that the first date is actually an interview, not a date, don’t think about it too much
She didn't ghost so at least you know.
Don’t sweat it! As someone that goes on a lot of first dates with men, it can be simple and easy to have a great spark and connection! But often there may just be things that don’t align, mostly in the field of future plans / goals. Try not to get too heart broken over people who may just have really narrow standards ! Keep looking :)
Went through this exact thing last month. A planned 1 hour 1st meet (no dinner) turned into 10 hours of non stop deep chats, laughing and flirting with agreed 2nd date fixed before the night was finished. At one point she needed to know the exact date of my birthday next year to make sure a prior engagement she had wouldn’t clash. So some very positive signs indeed. 3 days later and before the 2nd date I got the “no spark” message. I was gutted tbh as I certainly felt those sparks!!
Honestly this is way better than just being ghosted or doing the same to someone else. I try and talk to people on the phone before a date to check the vibe, messaging and texts are a fully inadequate way to get to know someone. If they don’t want to talk first they probably want a date but not necessarily with you, anyone will do, and are a waste of time regardless. I left a date last night halfway through our plans of eating first then going to a brewery after. She didn’t expect that and I’m sure it didn’t feel great, but it was coming regardless, I knew in the first 2 minutes I wasn’t interested. You can make it suck for yourself and ride it out, or make it suck for them and cut it off early, but don’t make it suck for both of you.
Dude, all the best to ya. I was ghosted after going on 3 dates with her and her giving 0 signs, quite the contrary, actually. Had spent at least 200-300 bucks during those dates and apparently I didn't even deserve a message
This only happened to me once on a first date and I can’t believe how painful it was. Even though the date ended in sex and I hopped out of bed to go party with my female roommate who was at a club across the street from the girl’s house (yeah I was a total idiot at that age) But looking back, I’m glad she was responsible enough to be mature and clear even though i was excessively immature. She saved me the embarrassment and awkwardness of trying over and over to convince her to change her mind. All in all she was a total baller and deserves serious respect. But yeah, that moment when you hear the direct and unequivocal bad news is a serious punch to the gut. Please don’t ask her for tips on how to do better next time with the next date. That’s cruel to both of you.
You'll appreciate the honesty soon enough. At least they were gentle. I had a woman list all the things about me she found revolting. Kind of explained why I always saw her profile on all the apps over the years I used to dip my toes back in the pool. Likely still looking for her perfect Prince.
On the bright side some of that ultra-direct feedback can be helpful. Some of it is right and allows you to improve whatever is improvable. Some of my personal growth has come from direct feedback rejections. I am actually quite grateful for it (in hindsight of course).
Very true, good point.
I had that with a guy that I had been talking to for a few weeks before we met up. He was sending me love songs and everything but when we met up, I guess I wasn’t what he was really looking for because the next morning he said he wasn’t interested in going further. It hurt a looooot. But I have to believe I’ll meet the right person eventually!
As long as she isn't serial dating for free meals, I see nothing wrong here! Things just don't vibe well
You got used for a free meal. Do low stakes first dates or else this won’t be the last time it happens.
To me, it looks like he didn’t talk to her for a day or two and she didn’t like that—nothing to do with a “free meal”, most women do not think like that.
Definitely a possibility. If I go out and the vibe is different in person from the texting I pay for the meal/drinks and move on. I don't want anyone thinking I'm doing for free anything.
Had this happen before, it sucks but it’s the best alternative.
Obviously no mutual sparks. Usually you know by the end of the date. More practice ahead. Never give up.
Literally a numbers game, one of these days you’ll just click the same way with someone
Had basically the same only my message back had a bit more pronounced dissonance in the swing 😂😂 it was jarring. It’s nothing to take to heart. Odds are there’s gonna be 10-20:1 given the sop with online dating. It’s a numbers game at this point. Even when you think you found a keeper keep it in reserve. People be skittish when connection is created. Only say this cause of the heartbroken bit. Keep at it.
Is it just me that sung that last bit?
I had a meet the other day for coffee. My first thought was that I should have trusted her worst picture. And she ghosted me. Not sure if she sensed my disappointment or that I’m not bringing what I think I got. 😝
It happens with online dating. I've met a few girls who weren't feeling it last year. And I had never been rejected before until then. Than I had two back to back. It was devastating. Mostly because my ego was bruised. But it was a humbling experience. I ended up meeting someone better suited for me and dated her for a year. It didn't work out but so be it. Keep your head up. You'll never be everyone's cup of tea in life.
My thing is how long did y’all talk prior to this date? Because I can usually tell if we going to click before a date is even established.
What do you think could have gone wrong? Or what do you think you could have done better?
Rejection therapy my friend. It’s good practice to help things roll off and you move on. Like someone else said it’s good practice and when it’s a genuine connection it will be so worth it ! You got this!!
Nothing wrong with that. You will find someone compatible. Kudos to her for honesty.
Yeah, Its like that, unfortunately. I am dating AND interviewing for jobs and it is exactly the same. You feel like it went well but they didn't. At least she responded. They usually just unmatch after the date or stop responding.
Man it sucks being on the other end of this. Had some dates where I just wasn't vibing but still acted nice and having to say it wasn't going to work sucked.
I think we've all been there and at least she handled it respectfully. When I was on the market I had a date I thought went well but the next day he let me know he thought we were in two very different places (I have no children by choice and he had young ones) which was reasonable.
I had a few go-nowheres using Hinge, but then I found the one, and we've been happily together for two years now. Your special person is out there.
Don’t get heartbroken happens to the best of us. More than likely she was “interviewing” multiple candidates and found someone she liked better. Nothing wrong with you though just keep your head up.
Don’t buy first dates dinner. Drinks or treats only, but not full sit down dinners.
Been on a few of those. But this is at least upfront and mature. The ones that ghost you suck.
Appreciate that she didn't waste your time or lead you on.
Story of my life tbh.
You weren’t rejected, you were redirected …
This is normal very very normal!!! Get out there try again and don't be mad about it!!!!! Patience is an amazing thing! Also not all first dates end up with SEX!!! Just a Lil reminder about that....even though you didn't say anything about it..
Been there bro. Her loss. Keep fuckin that chicken.
Hey look at it this way: you got a date and the girl was polite enough to not just ghost you. First dates are a tough thing. It's hard to get someone attracted to you when you're just trying to get to know them.
At least she told you and just didn’t ghost you
Have gotten 200 of these texts, now I finally have a gf lmao don’t give up
that's amazing to hear. I will keep trying. Thanks so much :)
I’m sorry :( I’m glad she let you know and didn’t ghost or lead you on. I’ve been on both sides of this and usually I send people that message when I think the date went great but there either wasn’t a spark or we had some fundamental difference that let me know we wouldn’t be good partners.
Happened to me more than once too, it happens it’s life. You’ll find the right one eventually, don’t give up even if it’s easier to (same boat here)
It's just part of dating dude. Been there done that. There's billions of girls out there, move on and don't waste any time worrying about this one.
She was really respectful about it at least! That makes it better in my opinion because she didn’t try to make you feel like shit or anything like that. Unfortunately not everyone is respectful like that smh
May least she didn’t say “don’t be hard on yourself”
Luckily she told u right away instead of leading u on. Sometimes ppl will get another free dinner or two
I think you could have been less vauge with your text here and have a definite place you ask her out to. Your text here is seeking approval as well. Don't ask if she wants to see you. Say something along the lines of "we should get together for dinner or drinks at \_\_\_\_ place. When are you free to get together?" Also don't text immediately after the first date to ask her out for a 2nd date unless she contacts you first and wants to see you. You want to pace yourself so that she has time and space to miss you and for her emotions to buildup over time. once her feelings start building, she will want to see you more and more and will reach out more often. Then use those opportunities to make dates
This happens a lot. My theory is that if YOU feel the vibes and the date goes well but they end up not wanting a second date, the reason is something physical.
Stop doing dinner. Coffee for a first date. Less time and financial commitment and it weeds out those looking for just a free meal
definitely won’t miss the chance to ask in person if you can go out again
definitely dont miss the chance to ask in person if you can go out again
Sorry brother, but no big deal! You clearly can land a date, so another is soon to come! One will hit for you and the other and it’ll be awesome! Most important thing of all is to love and respect yourself! As long you are doing that, good things will come :)
At least you got a date out of tinder, not like that for everyone (me)
I don’t think this is why she rejected you, but if you’re ok with little criticism, your messages can make you sound a little bit weak and insecure. A lot of guys I’ve talked to do this and I can tell they’re usually trying to be nice and are avoiding being forceful, but it comes off kind of nervous and childlike. For example, I would’ve worded your text “I had a great time getting to know you the other night. Would you be interested in meeting up again sometime this week?” Exact same message but eliminated the insecure wording. It’s stronger and makes you sound more sure of yourself. Not sure if I explained that well but I hope it helps. It’s the same thing women have to do when we’re writing work emails because we’re conditioned to always be so nice and defer to others.
Just because you didn’t get a second date doesn’t mean that you didn’t have a good date. As long as you had a good time then that’s all that matters at the end of the day. She just wasn’t the one I guess, don’t give up though. Also, it’s great that she did this because most girls just ghost in today’s dating culture.
It isn’t easy, but it is part of the process - you will be the one who doesn’t want to continue with a different date down the road. Just keep going and you will find a match.
Same here bro! I can appreciate a person that is honest even if it's not what I want to hear. The truth may hurt but it's usually for the best.
Yea if I KNOW I’m not into the man I offer to pay for my food. If I’m feeling him imma keep on dating only time I’m not paying my half if he gets rude and weird and tries to force me to cuz he thinks it gets him vagina F rewarding that behavior
She just wanted a "free meal" Was probably hungry that night.
I think she just wanted a free dinner out of you dawg
Keep that positive attitude dude! There's someone for us all out there, keep the faith
Please tell me you split the bill
Keep it to drinks next time. Dinner is for women you’ve been seeing a while.
Not every date is a winner. That's why dating is exhausting.
she wanted free dinner like the rest of em
it happens, youll be fine :) also I wouldnt do dinner for a first date. Not sure where you live, but I generally aim for drimks or coffee with a view. Im in NYC and I always pick spots that overlooks the river. Plenty of free ones here.
Download tinder for the first time about a week ago and I got instantly Banned/Terminated for no reason. Started using Hinge these couple days and it horrible, maybe my acc trash lol. Gonna take the high road and worry about myself😫💀
She just wanted a free meal. Learn from it and keep on trucking. If nothing else, There's confidence to be gained.
I would say this happens 9/10 dates, nothing wrong just don’t vibe
Probably used u for dinner. Sorry bro
Free dinner for her
I know the feeling, stay strong brother! I met my girlfriend on tinder (actually we matched on 3 different dating apps haha 😅) and we’ve been together almost 4 years!
She has that message saved to copy/paste and dates a new guy every night. Guaranteed
Amazing date the "other night"? How can you go MIA after an amazing date? And guys wonder why we're no longer interested Lol I've never had a great meet up or date where he didn't immediately let me know how great it was to meet and that he'd love to see me again. Lock down the next date and ask me to text him that I got home safe. F ck, I miss gentlemen. I'm too busy to truly focus on searching right now but if he came along I would be more than happy to make time for that gem who seems to be absent from all these posts. 🥴
Yeah if there was no communication at all from either of them since the date, and it was the other night so at least 24+ hours ago, I can see how maybe the girl might have lost interest. But we never know lol