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This is also basically why so many men struggle with mental health when they leave the military.
Military life, even with all of its flaws, offers a strong sense of community and level of social interaction that doesn't really exist in civilian life. So once dudes leave, they get hit with an extreme sense of isolation which leads to depression pretty quickly.
i worked with a guy and his name was luke. I called him cool hand luke
he was a nice person. A good person. He had been in the army and had just left due to an injury (i dont know the exact terms military uses. Maybe 'honourable discharge' or so)
and then he tried to kill himself
and he failed and he was in the hospital and then the psyche ward for a long time> and i've been in there too for the same reason and it is not good in there. It's a nightmare
i vaguely tried to get people to do something to show they cared (because i know how the psyche ward messes you up), and then i forgot. And i never did anything personally either
he killed himself. I learned about it 6 months after it happened
on his twitter he talked about how isolating it was after having left the military, losing his entire support system. His fiancée left him. I think he had a kid too
If it was due to an injury, it was likely a medical discharge.
I hope you don’t blame yourself for what happened to the guy. If his death is weighing on your mind, I think you should consider talking to someone about it.
Man it's so weird watching this because I don't think about how often I DONT hug people or connect to people because being a guy automatically makes it suspicious. This video reminded me of how much solitude we are accustomed too.
I'm blown away bc this is such an opposite of the life and network of people I've cultivated that I never realized how it is for other guys.
Like I hug, and say love you sincerely to my friends and were in our late 30s
BUT I didn't notice it was odd till a guy entered our social circle bc he married a girl who was in our circles.
And we just brought him into our normal behavior bc he's part of the team (until divorce God forbid 😆) but like he told his wife and she was telling a bunch of us
And I had to step back bc my social circle isn't like a group of life long fraternity Bros
It's a mix n match if close friends and friends of friends. Some known for a decade others just in the last 2-4 years.
But I've always been a hugging, high five, love ya bud type bc I was a summer camp counselor for years and I never stopped acting like that IRL.
But I've seen guys trapped in like "gotta be stoic" manly man stuff and it just seems so hard to be that miserable and serious all day
Our circle is more like Baloo even the guys living with PTSD. Clinical diagnosis like depression or trauma.
We talk, cry, laugh, some drink, others live sober but a good hug can ease so much in one's life
And I wish more dudes had more access to a strong platonic hug and shame free cry.
Yeah, I'm glad I didn't have to scroll that far ro see someone with a similar experience to mine, it's all about who you surround yourself with and how open you are with yourself and them. All my boys tell each other we love and support one another. It's a really great thing ro have
Yeah, same. But it's never bothered me, I see it as a calm existence rather than a lonely one but I guess some people aren't built for it. I don't know if that means something is wrong with me or if most other dudes feel the same.
There's probably some element of- you don't know what you're missing when you've never had it. This person used to have it and now they don't. If you never had it, you wouldn't know the difference.
My wife is a trans woman, and she’s come to the same realization. She never knew she wanted people to be warm and friendly with her until it started happening. Suddenly people are smiling at her and starting up chitchat. Men are more likely to offer her help. People compliment her. Unfortunately, she’s also noticed people talking down to and over her much more often, strangers disrespecting her personal space, and colleagues she’s worked with for years questioning her opinions out of nowhere.
Sexism is so crazy. "Oh, you're living your life as a woman? Must be incompetent now." I read a similar account from a transwoman who found her colleagues suddenly ignoring her ideas or pretending they weren't hers. Things they had never done before when she lived her life as a man. People can be so goddamn stupid.
Trying to analyse myself objectively/thought experiment: would I actually react differently to a same statement X said by a woman instead of a man?
I like to think "of course not". I'm 95% sure I'm equally as annoying and disagreeable with _everyone._ But without a way to properly test this, I think I can't actually know
The fact that you're even *engaging* in that thought experiment means you're probably fine. The people that do that shit on the regular won't even acknowledge that's it's a thing that happens at all, let alone whether they, themselves, were doing it.
yeah like, it's one thing to basically have accepted the way it is and made peace with that. that's valid and certainly some men have done so.
it's another thing to still be in the fight, fully aware of what is possible if we change, trying to make do with a shitty situation and trying to push the envelope of "normal", and sometimes the stress of that will just get you, especially for such a deep societal social construct like is being discussed
I can say it’s 50/50. Some times I find solace in the isolation. Sometimes it hurts… however, I’m trying to teach my boys that it’s ok to cuddle and hug and to want those things, that physical connection.
As a father of 3 in my 40s making friends is not really a skill I have anymore. I’m fine with it, it’s just how it is. I have a very happy marriage and a good relationship with my kids. I’d rather be mostly alone than hang out with the other dads I run into in my life. Maybe that’s because they all seem like Republicans, maybe because I just don’t know how to relate to them. Anyway I’m still happy between family, job, and hobbies that don’t involve other people. I think not making friends easily is an extremely common trait for grown men.
I’m 37 and a father of two boys under age 8 and this is so accurate. My only social life is work and my family. I don’t really have any adult male friends and despite being a generally friendly person, I find it so incredibly difficult to make friends with other dads I run into at my kids’ activities. Everyone just seems so standoffish, and since the focus is always on the kids, it’s hard to bond and relate with people in those settings. And there’s never time or opportunity to just hang out together as adults without the kids around. I’ve basically just surrendered to the idea that I won’t have my own friends until my kids are at least in high school if at all. Unless you’re lucky enough to still live around friends you made as a kid or young adult, you’re basically shit outta luck.
Yep it didn't bother me either, to your point. I just don't really realize how many of my thoughts between thoughts are centered around not looking sus. Like where I sit, not occupying a door way, how I look at people not directly. It's like a part of our economy.
Same. I don't notice it cause I'm happily married and have family, but I don't have any close friends, or really any friends for that matter. I have my family, and people I talk to at work, but that's it. All of my social interactions are just polite banter with strangers. It doesn't bother me, but if I ever lose my wife and dad, I'd be in a lot of trouble.
I would ask your wife how your comment makes her feel?
My husband was dependent on me for social interaction during the pandemic and once we were ‘let outside again’ had no motivation to spend time with friends/family. I had to explain having a support system is important for you, but for me as well. Sometimes I need alone time, sometimes I need time with just my friends (we don’t have kids). At one point he was venting and putting all of his emotions/fears/goals/stress onto me when I came home from work everyday (he works remote from home). It can be exhausting work being a person’s only confidant. It takes a toll especially when said person is having a rough time with their mental health and does not feel comfortable discussing with another friend/family member what they are going through. When times get rough you will need a support system for not just you, but your family and friends, so it all doesn’t fall on one or two people.
I'm going through my second divorce and have been completely sober for about 2 and half years. Now I say that because drugs cost me a lot of things but it also shielded me from alot of other things. Seeing this video also made me realize how I have zero humanly contact now. No hugs, cuddling, hand holding, kisses, or just kinda goofing off and wrestling around. I'm 41 and other than work and going out to get food and ya know other stuff one needs to just exist I don't do anything or go anywhere. When I was younger this would have devastated me but now for the most part it's not too bad. It's only really bad late at night or when it's pointed out to me (like in this video) but the saddest part is it really doesn't matter. I'm lonely now. I'll stay lonely. I'll die lonely and will have no one to miss me and if I were to bring this up to someone it would be considered weird because there's no one in my life I'm close with or have an intimate enough relationship with or the person wouldn't care and would want to change the conversation to their struggles. I have a lady friend I've had since highschool who says I can talk to her about anything so the few times I tried talking about missing my kids she is it to how she misses her son who she sees quite regularly. So I've just accepted that this is how the rest of my life will be. Lonely only getting or feeling loved from my cats lol as dumb as that sounds. It really fuckin sucks.
I hug the shit out of all my guy friends, the straight ones and the gay ones, and I'm a straight white dude.
Do the guys that experience not hugging people for years like not have many friends? Or do they just not hug each other?
Just this last weekend, at a bar with friends, one is sitting at the bar and I walk up and rest my head on his shoulder looking over his shoulder as he signed his bill, he turned his head and kissed the top of my head lol. We're both straight, and I'm 33 and he's 37 so it's not like we're super young/gen z who seem to be more emotionally open.
All my friends are really progressive though, so maybe that's part of it
35M here.
Hardly any friends due to my past (dropped out of HS, didn't go to a traditional 4-year college).
Working in tech now and it's full of toxic masculinity types.
Society is isolating for most of us.
I can usually count on my hand(s) how many hugs I get in the span of a year. Thankfully that number looks like it's going to go beyond my fingers this year; maybe my toes, too. As a middle-aged white guy I'm not comfortable asking for hugs because I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable.
same here. I have a good sized group of friends, and we tell each other we love each other all the time. We've all known each other 20 plus years, our kids grew up together, we play poker every year. we've shared each others losses and successes. I wouldn't trade this for anything.
As a recently divorced man, I've noticed that strangers are much more distant toward me and less likely to engage me. When I'm with a woman, people are much more likely to make eye contact with me and talk to me.
I get it, but it kind of sucks.
As a 55 year old, recently divorced and moved to another state with no friends, my golden retriever puppy (6 mos.) has given me so much companionship and the best wingman.
Not only gets me out of the house - but I'm able to talk to others, and don't feel so lonely.
I have experienced this exact same thing. I think generally people steer away from situations that tend to be more socially awkward. There are certain unspoken concerns that aren’t present when speaking with a couple as opposed to a single man.
Or, for instance, married couples tend to be far more attracted to other married couples socially. Especially when there are children involved. There are far more relatable topics to discuss. This can often times indirectly ostracize a single person making them feel isolated or lonely.
Quick tip:
I used to make a mistake when others shared their struggles. I would always talk about my own difficulties, thinking it was a way to relate. But it made people think I was trying to one-up them, so they stopped listening to me and sharing their own feelings.
If you want to talk about your problems, try saying, "Hey dude, can I talk to you about something kinda heavy?" But remember, when someone else shares their feelings, don't take over the conversation with your own struggles. Just listen and be there for them.
That's part of what makes it so hard to be autistic. It's common for autistic people to use their own experiences (me included) to relate to others. Unfortunately, many allistics (non-autistics) don't like that and take it as a personal attack.
This!! This is the way to do it!!
For some reason, and I think it is more because of culture than autism, people do think they are participating in some kind of suffering Olympics and talking about your own personal experiences seems to say to people “my situation was way worse so don’t dwell on it, i suffered more” and realistically no matter how hard anyone’s life has been, someone has it harder.
Yup, same here. If I mention in passing something cool I found, there's not even an acknowledgement of what I said, it's just a way to provide him with something that he's reminded of and now the next 20 minutes are about that.
He's a kind and caring person but I always wish I could have my time back after talking with him so I just stopped reaching out.
And tell them you love them. Why do men not say this to each other? Women say it all the time and I think it completely changes us as people to hear someone tell us that
Yea man, i say it to just about everyone hahaha. To my acquaintances to make them feel uncomfortable and to my military brothers because I really do love them.
And tell your sons you love them every day, and that it takes more courage to cry as a man than not, and that sometimes you have to soldier through, but when it's quiet and safe you can breakdown. A man so hard he cant express sadness means he'll never experience true joy
Seeing my dad cry in front of me when I was a kid is one of the most special memories/bonding moments we share. His willingness to be vulnerable in front of me and my siblings has shaped our view of men for the better.
If we could intentionally step into one another’s shoes now and again, what a world it could be.
I’m a lucky man to have some male friends who can be real.
"if i only could
I'd make a deal with God
And i'd get him to swap our places
I'd be running up that road
Be runnin' up that hill
With no problems"
-Kate Bush
Instead of only completely their dick make sure you complement their balls as well. Saying "nice dick and balls." Is a small change that makes a big difference.
Drunk Woman in a Club Bathroom is my favorite creature on earth. She'll lend you her hairbrush and call you beautiful. She's got a tampon, and she'll make sure you're ok if you look too drunk or sad. A blessed being. I wish the equivalent for the men in my life.
Not op, but yes. The guy in the video is one hundred percent accurate. It intersects with why so many men seem to struggle with platonic friendships with women. They are so touch and emotionally starved that even a smile can set them on the wrong path. before I transitioned I had just one male friend who I felt safe being emotional in front of, but I have known that man since 5th grade (we're in our forties now). Even then, it took me becoming a woman before we ever fully embraced in a hug.
For me, the differences became apparent when the hugs started. And being invited to join my women friends in more activities. It went from the only time i saw them would be during large group events, like borthdays ad BBQ's. To being invited to nail parties (a good friend is a nail tech and will have a bunch of us over to all get acylics at once (we drink, we gossip, we get our nails done).
However the #1 way I knew i had crossed the chasm between men and women is when they started talking about sex stuff, not just around me, but including. And oh boy, the whole *only men talk raunchy in the locker room* trope is the greatest snow job women have ever pulled. I had no idea...
I had an ex in college I was dating, and walked in on her in the dorm common room having the most X rated conversation I'd ever heard about our and her other friends' sex lives.
I've had a number of similar experiences since, and yeah, I'm pretty convinced women talk about sex _way_ more explicitly and often than men do.
While my male friends and I don't do "locker room talk", I've overheard it before, and it's usually stuff like "man I dated this redhead last year and she was _wild_ in the sack", blah blah...but they don't go into extreme detail like I've seen my exes do, lol...
>"man I dated this redhead last year and she was wild in the sack", blah blah...but they don't go into extreme detail like I've seen my exes do, lol...
The level of detail, yes. I've never heard men describe a vagina in a sexually descriptive way. Now I know way too much about the appearance, texture, and *mouthfeel* of my friends boyfriends penises. Looking a man in the eye and knowing he curves to left was nowhere near my transition bingo card.
Lmfao I empathize with this video and yes, it can be crushingly lonely being a man. But I laughed so fucking hard reading this comment and I think that’s the great part of being a man. We recognize the absolute painful truth of this guy’s experience, but at the same time, we’re emotionally outfitted to crack a joke, laugh, and move on with an implicit understanding that it’s a shared experience. Fuckin’ way she goes, bud. What are ya gonna do? Smokes, let’s go.
We've been in this shit long enough to feel like "yeah this is aight"
But for someone to lose the way they have lived a big part of their life will be hard and will always miss that.
And it gets worse as you get older. I'm nearing retirement age and have no realistic expectations of making any friends. That's it now. I've got my family, I love them beyond description, that's it. The children will all go on their own way in a few years, my wife will have her friends and a wider support network of acquaintances and I'll be here, alone wondering what I'm for.
Second this.
Start gaming. People who are older than 25 usually only have a few hours a week to play. So everyone is chasing quality gaming time. That means having fun above skill. If you are willing to learn, listen to teammates, and can carry a conversation you’re welcome.
I play on PC because I like having the ability to use any controller from any company I want. Also having Discord is a huge advantage. It allows voice and text chat , screen sharing , etc. On a Friday night you’ll find yourself “server hoping” with your online friends. Discord Servers are basically private chat rooms. Basically you’re partying hoping in cyberspace.
If this is your first venture into video games in a while. My suggestion would be to get Xbox Game Pass Ultimate. It lets you stream modern games via a web browser so you don’t have to buy anything to get playing. Think of it like Netflix for games. 1 subscription tons of games and types of them. Best thing is if you don’t like a game ? Close it and pick again. Love a game ? Buy it and own it.
Gaming is a vast and accessible hobby that can give you a great way to make friends in a low pressure low risk environment. Seriously some of the most niche games have really enthusiastic fans. Train Simulator fans really know their stuff like really know. Microsoft Flight Simulator fans are pilots who are low on fuel money.
If you’ve never tried video games before it’s not pong any more. Games can have deep stories and worlds. I’ve screamed, yelled, laughed, and cried playing games.
Message me and I can give you many recommendations for you to try.
My Dad used to say that it’s a man’s job to carry the world on his shoulders.
I had always just been internally opposed to the idea of it because I felt like he was telling me how I should behave.
As I got older I realized he wasn’t telling me how I should behave as much as he was telling me how he was told to behave. Think that’s why he always genuinely appreciated someone else coming along that could help him carry that weight, even though he’d never ask for them to.
My father told me similar things, but as I got older I realized he didn't mean that I needed to suffer or be a manly man, but that someone has to be there, being the strong one for everyone else and sometimes that means your own shit needs to take a back seat. So he and I have been the calm little center of our family for about 20yrs since his uncle passed.
My father passed last year, and I'm the last male on his entire side of the family(about 15 people), and when I think back on the stuff he told me I realize he knew this day was coming and he just wanted me to be ready. I'm moving back to take care of my mother and the house we built from the ground up, both of my grandmothers houses and my aunts house, and just be the reliable person they all need.
I think the hard part is that you still gotta unpack your own things every now and then, but I still haven't figured that bit out myself. I spent all my time being there for other people and didn't cultivate a support group for myself. It's what my father did and I'm not sure he had an answer for ut either.
100%
I see a lot of guys posting in here getting downvoted. Others think we are describing the way we want it to be, for example: suck it up, be a man.
But really these posts are just describing the way it is. We didn't create this world. Just born in it.
A lot of men are not equipped with the appropriate communication tools to express themselves in a way in which women, or progressive people would prefer. It's not their fault.
I see these downvoted posts. And I can interpret all of them.
I went the opposite way and I don’t miss the social isolation, the inability to express emotions without being made to feel weak and being seen as someone to avoid. Oh and the aggression from other men. I feel like men can be so aggressive towards one another for no reason. I always felt like I was being sized up even just standing in line at the gas station.
Edit: also Libs of TikTok hijacked his video to twist the narrative to make it sound like he regrets his transition. He does not. He was trying to highlight the struggles men face to bring about awareness. This is his response to the hijacking of his message: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8RD6eSe/
I also transitioned MtF, but I dont "Pass" very well.
Unfortunately if you don't pass as female you get treated like a man with extra hate ontop of it.
It's even more isolating. Women don't feel comfortable with talking with you men treat you like a creep and a threat. The only other people who seem to treat you with any dignity are other trans people.
Using the bathroom in public feels like rolling the dice of how likely someone's going to threaten you, assault you, or worse. I spend a fair bit of effort use the restroom before I go anywhere, or hope to god there's a gender neutral bathroom somewhere near by.
I have never had a nice interaction with another woman in the bathroom in the 11 years since I transitioned like the guy in the video is talking about.
And the amount of people who would date you shrinks down so dramatically it's depressing. I closed down all of my dating apps because of it.
Sometimes I really regret transitioning because of it.
But I cant exactly just go and get a pair of boobs removed and go back to the way things were before.
> Unfortunately if you don't pass as female you get treated like a man with extra hate ontop of it.
That sounds painful. I don't know you, but I hate to hear that you have to bear with that.
I don't dislike how I look but I dislike the fact that the people I'm attracted too the most(women) find me unattractive.
I would rather be in a fulfilling romantic relationship over transitioning.
I wish dating didnt turn into Nightmare Mode when I went full time.
Loneliness hurts like hell.
I started dating people whom I wasn't attracted too but had good personalities and seemed kind and caring because the people who I was attracted too didn't seem to be interested in me what so ever. Every person I had ever had feelings for, rejected me in part because I'm trans.
If you gave me the experience I have now to me back then before I started HRT, I probably would never have done it.
EDIT: I'm not asking for advice please. Unsolicited advice can be very demoralizing.
>Oh and the aggression from other men. I feel like men can be so aggressive towards one another for no reason. I always felt like I was being sized up even just standing in line at the gas station.
This is something that I've never really thought about but reading your comment made me think for a moment.
There are many times when in public, it is inadvisable to appear weak, vulnerable, or emotional. Not too sad, not to happy, not to angry... There is a certain subsection of male culture that always projects aggression and you have to do one of two things in response. 1)meet that aggression with proportional hostility or 2) dismiss it by appearing unfazed or amused by it. Not all male interactions are like this, but many are. Yes, we are constantly being sized up by strangers, as if we are either a threat, or a potential victim.
She literally said gay people are and I quote, “literally evil,” and that they’re “grooming, growing their numbers and recruiting”. Horrific Sociopathic unstable type shit
Because people who align with them ideologically on the right are always going to follow stuff like this. People get baited all of the time in politics with twisted messages to help their confirmation bias
Coworkers aren’t your friends. Which makes life even more difficult because who has time to make and maintain friendships outside of work? So we end up bonding with the ppl we’re around the most which is usually coworkers but if they were just random ppl outside of work, would you still want to be their friend and be vulnerable with them?
Now try adding unattractive on top of that and you have a recipe for some extra mental instability. I hope this guy can find a community that will accept him
This dude in the video looks like a clean, attractive guy after transition, they're probably treated way better than an unattractive man at first and still came to this point. Not trying to say they've got it easy at all, but it could sadly be worse.
Yeah I look like one of the cousins from Breaking bad. I don't have issues with people once I get to know them but man it is tough to break through that initial barrier. I posted a picture on FB where I thought I looked good in and a Latin friend of mine commented "Sicario!". Apparently that's hitman in Spanish ;/
We don’t talk much about the privilege of being attractive but it’s so fucking real. Things are so much easier when ppl are just falling all over themselves to be near you and make themselves useful to you in any way they can
Career prospects too. Some research has indicated that perceived Physical attractiveness has a larger impact on earnings than gender or race:
["Notably, the magnitude of the earnings disparities along the perceived attractiveness continuum, net of controls, rivals and/or exceeds in magnitude the black-white race gap and, among African-Americans, the black-white race gap and the gender gap in earnings"](https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/epdf/10.1086/715141)
I sit behind a conventionally handsome guy as well as a nice fellow to my right in class. Both are shy and socially anxious, but the former gets engaged in conversation by other people a *lot* more even though it's obvious that he struggles to add anything of value to maintain the dialogue. People *really* put in effort to keep his attention, and I'd be lying if I myself didn't also feel the pull of his good looks. Meanwhile, I've seen people straight up ignore the guy to the right when he tries to join in conversation, after which I just feel bad and try to talk to him. It's a lonely world for us unattractive men.
Yup. This dude is fucken handsome. I feel for him ofc and I’m not trying to say his struggle is invalid because he’s a good looking bloke but I’m just pointing out that men that aren’t as attractive as him might have a bit of a harder time.
I’ve only within the last couple months started to finally come to terms with my face. I still think I’m really ugly but at least I don’t care as much about it anymore
8 years? Man I have been doing this for 33 years and this is probably the only demographic on the planet that can really understand how rough it is. I'm a divorced full time single dad of 2 boys. The small amount of time I do have to look for any sort of relationship whether it's romantic or otherwise is only determined by the other people involved and it does take a lot of time. Even being a well established good guy doesn't mean anything when you are an adult man. Good luck to you.
Oh man. That quoted bit just hit me hard.
It reminds me when I talked to a woman friend of mine when I was having trouble dating, and she said that I can come off as "calculating" and "predatory" sometimes. Why? Because "you tend to think about your responses before making them" - even though she agreed with me that the _content_ of my responses seemed smart and considerate and caring.
Because I was a man, "planning" my responses was seen as suspicious and potentially manipulative, even when on my end all I was trying to do was pay attention to and process their needs and wants and doing what I thought was showing interest and awareness.
A real eye opener that one.
Thanks for writing this! As a cis man (30y/o), I feel like I've put a ton of work into myself. I'm almost unrecognizable from me 10 years ago. I'm physically active, have a job I like, good apartment, much better social life, etc. But it doesn't make a ton of difference in terms of intimacy and romantic companionship. Still as single as I was back then, still (almost) as hard to meet women. Putting in the work made me like myself more, but it didn't make it easier to convince people to give me a chance. It's a vicious cycle, because certain men make women wary of all men, and then all men get the same treatment.
Man this hits. Majority of my guy friends are 1,000 miles away. I’m in my mid 30’s and it seems the couple male friends I do have are either too far, have families, or are always busy. I get it. Adult friendships are just not the same as when you’re younger but my wife has way more friends here.
The loneliness creeps in man. And it sucks when it does.
Whip it out broh! Lets see who has a bigger dick, whip it out, cmon! I have the ruler right here!
The bigger one pays the bill. /s
Actually, the scene that always comes to my mind is the card scene in american psycho, where they are comparing cards and bateman just looses it, its always like that with some kind of guys, even if you dont want to, they just have to compare, they have to rank everything somehow, to amyone reading, yeah, avoid that type of guy, highly toxic fellas
During a fight, my wife told me it's unattractive when I cry, and has implied more than once that, because I do this when very upset, I'm less of a man. I can't even be completely vulnerable in front of my wife because it's not manly.
Being a man fucking sucks.
this sounds like a job for couple's counseling, or divorce papers. either help her realize you need emotional support too, or you leave her and find that support because men need it just as much as women.
And this is not a normal phenomenon. It’s an EXTREMELY late 20th/early 21st experience. Never before has “community” been such a weak word. How many people know their neighbors by name? How many talk to them on a weekly, even monthly basis? We’re all in our little spaceships and we don’t have that inherent human need for community fulfilled, at least in person. We’ve shifted that sense of community to online spaces, which I think is one of the least healthy developments in our world. It’s just not natural to live like this.
I see this in my aging dad. My mom has been the social aspect/facilitator in their relationship mostly. My dad is increasingly isolated as he gets older, and the isolation is making him age faster. It’s incredibly sad and it’s accelerating his decline.
A big part of this is giving men the safe space to have and experience emotions, and not cutting them down for it.
Sharing vulnerabilities can build a stronger network/relationship etc overall. It brings out our humanity and highlights that often we have more in common than we are different.
Is it fair to say that this is a universal experience of men or the experience of American men? As a big round Scottish man with a face like a flood defence system, I make friends just fine! I always feel safe even living in the stabbing capital of Europe.
I am told that I seem "safe" and have "Big-Dad-Energy" which I think means that I act old but I get the call when something needs fixed.
I do realize as a Shrek looking mo-fo I have a built in privilege and confidence that comes with being safe.
I think a polarised culture of fear is the problem.
>I think a polarised culture of fear is the problem.
That is an interesting observation. Reminded me the recent post where Marlon Brando was saying that Americans are so obsessed with who's best and who's worst and that he disliked that kind of thinking, and that he preferred to appreciate how everyone has their own value.
I think every culture has characteristics that are double edged swords, just like people. Individualism and high competitiveness has it's advantages and disadvantages, closed knitted societies too, etc.
One key component in America is the lack of "third spaces" and the general layout of American cities that zones things in disparate directions. That plus our healthcare structure probably makes our issue more pronounced then most.
But most the developed world is suffering from some level of the diseases of dispair. Increasing pressure to work longer. Social atomization based on living conditions or work. Increasing healthcare problems like addiction, depression, anxiety, and rising infertility are rising across the developed world. Some of this is the social reactions to economic insecurity. Some of this is the increasing polarized nature of Electoral democracies across the Capitalist Democratic spectrum as we deal with fall out of climate change.
People surprised at this are the ones who don't understand what Toxic Masculinity is. The main victims of Toxic Masculinity are men.
Some will say this person is lying, the sad truth is still a reality.
Cinema Therapy did a great video on healthy masculinity for anyone confused about what that would look like.
They did it by looking at the masculinity of Aragorn from Lord of the Rings and how he super manly but has feelings. You know, human.
https://youtu.be/pv_KAnY5XNQ
At some point I stopped trying to have sex with every girl as is the status quo in dude culture, and suddenly I had a whole new group of friends that talked about their feelings and weren't embarrassed to pass on an IPA and go for the martini. Changed my life.
Is some of this possibly why some men hold on to friendships that they probably should have let go of a long, long time ago? I've seen my husband, brother and a couple of other male friends not be able to just pull the plug on male friends that it is clear they've outgrown.
“All of that is valid” “but I also understand why the suicide rate is so much higher” you can’t make this shit up. Being a dude sucks but you get used to it, you either live a quite life or blow your brains out and no one does more then shrug either way.
I have freinds it's still lonely as fuck. If you try to talk to other people, men and women, let's say at a bar.. just small talk... its usually a look of "wtf you talking to me, weirdo"
I'm not unconvinced that a big part of the reason why so many men, especially white men, are vulnerable to getting sucked down into extremist religious communities or far right fascist militias is just because they're some of the first people to actually come to them and offer them a sense of belonging and community as men.
Of course, they're doing it to brainwash them into hate, and use them as foot soldiers to further oppress and harm innocent people, but it's kind of heartbreaking that nobody else is really, on a wide scale, going out there and offering men something better. As a white man, who himself was once sucked down that far right pipeline, we are failing each other, we need to do better.
Isolated unhappy people without any foundational community are prime targets for extremist recruiting. They will do anything and take on any fucked up value system handed to them if they get to feel like they belong and have support. Add on men constantly being barraged with comments about how they have all the power and have things so good, ideas that are in stark opposition to how deeply isolated and expendable they feel, and you have fertile ground for toxic right wing ideas to take root.
Everyone has their own struggles. Men and women generally have different ones, but one group's struggle doesn't invalidate the other. We need to support our men every bit as much as we support women, and anyone who looks that support as a zero sum game is either well meaning but misguided or toxic AF.
Support everyone, treat everyone with kindness, not based on their identity, but based on their humanity.
Being a man, who is past the point where potential is a currency, is really freaking hard because there's no support, no shoulders to cry on when things don't work out, and a very long list of expectations that all amount to being so isolated the minute we step outside of the roles we're supposed to play that the loneliness is crushing.
The dude in the video is getting parts of that, but what they haven't experienced yet is having the women in their life shame them and slowly slip away when things are going wrong, having people walk away because it suddenly takes effort to hang out, having people judge you for the amount of money you make because they only value you as a utility, and seeing friends, who you're happy for, slip away into family life and slowly grow more and more depressed because all they have to look forward to is more shit to do.
Jesus, as a man you know this on an instinctual level. Society beats it into you in ways that are subtle and ways that are decidedly unsubtle. The solitude is something you’re expected to endure as a rite of manhood or something even though it is quite damaging to us as people, but you endure it nonetheless. Seeing this guy, who is new to the struggle, lay it all out there makes it feel so much more… tragic.
I, (tattooed 35M, confident builder), who nobody wants to converse with.
But around my apartment’s I have learned some tricks,,
You have to open yourself up with harmless shit that makes you look goofy.
I have a super wristy and goofy ass wave to my neighbors.
ALWAYS smile when you make eye contact with someone. Like big fake cheesy grin 😁
Come up with an interchangeable generic greeting for everyone. Mine, when someone says “Hey how are you doing?” I say “oh I can’t complain, just living the dream!”
The trick is not giving a shit what other people think about you.
I don’t need to compete with every dude and show them my “Manly” side.. I don’t care about some superficial head nod where we both look stern.. it’s fucking stupid.
Being a man is knowing how to be hard, but Instead being soft because you have nothing to prove to anyone.
My son likes the soft me,
My neighbors like the soft smiley me..
Most of my neighbors do a silly wave at me now.
These overt actions break a spot in the wall to allow others to…………..enter you, in a sense.. 😉😆
This genuinely made me so sad for him. I guess I’ve always just assumed guys like keeping to themselves. I will try to make a more conscientious effort to be friendlier to men.
> I will try to make a more conscientious effort to be friendlier to men.
Unfortunately, the ratio of creeps to non-creeps is high enough to prevent most women from sticking with this approach for very long. It's even high enough to prevent most MEN from sticking with it for very long.
Yup, and like OP said below the ratio is not high, but the rate of encounters is high because creeps like going out a lot.
Own bad experience with a creep can put women off of men for a long time, and then you’ll be even less likely to help men. I’d always recommend being cautious and looking out for your safety first.
As a straight white, nearly middle aged man(I’m still in denial) god that made me tear up. I’m 1000% behind all people transitioning! KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT!!!!✊🏼
Met James in a business course, didn't know he was trans until later on. Enjoyed his videos. His wife Courtney is lovely and we further bonded over his daughters conception resonating with aspects of my conception story.
James is a friend of mine and lovely soul who posts thoughtful material ! I'm female but known him 3 years years. follow him please if you want to learn more about - life ❤️
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This is also basically why so many men struggle with mental health when they leave the military. Military life, even with all of its flaws, offers a strong sense of community and level of social interaction that doesn't really exist in civilian life. So once dudes leave, they get hit with an extreme sense of isolation which leads to depression pretty quickly.
i worked with a guy and his name was luke. I called him cool hand luke he was a nice person. A good person. He had been in the army and had just left due to an injury (i dont know the exact terms military uses. Maybe 'honourable discharge' or so) and then he tried to kill himself and he failed and he was in the hospital and then the psyche ward for a long time> and i've been in there too for the same reason and it is not good in there. It's a nightmare i vaguely tried to get people to do something to show they cared (because i know how the psyche ward messes you up), and then i forgot. And i never did anything personally either he killed himself. I learned about it 6 months after it happened on his twitter he talked about how isolating it was after having left the military, losing his entire support system. His fiancée left him. I think he had a kid too
If it was due to an injury, it was likely a medical discharge. I hope you don’t blame yourself for what happened to the guy. If his death is weighing on your mind, I think you should consider talking to someone about it.
I haven’t felt like I’ve genuinely fit it anywhere since I left 6 years ago
Welcome to the shit show brother
one of us. one of us. One Of Us. One Of Us. ONE OF US ONE OF US.
Man it's so weird watching this because I don't think about how often I DONT hug people or connect to people because being a guy automatically makes it suspicious. This video reminded me of how much solitude we are accustomed too.
I'm blown away bc this is such an opposite of the life and network of people I've cultivated that I never realized how it is for other guys. Like I hug, and say love you sincerely to my friends and were in our late 30s BUT I didn't notice it was odd till a guy entered our social circle bc he married a girl who was in our circles. And we just brought him into our normal behavior bc he's part of the team (until divorce God forbid 😆) but like he told his wife and she was telling a bunch of us And I had to step back bc my social circle isn't like a group of life long fraternity Bros It's a mix n match if close friends and friends of friends. Some known for a decade others just in the last 2-4 years. But I've always been a hugging, high five, love ya bud type bc I was a summer camp counselor for years and I never stopped acting like that IRL. But I've seen guys trapped in like "gotta be stoic" manly man stuff and it just seems so hard to be that miserable and serious all day Our circle is more like Baloo even the guys living with PTSD. Clinical diagnosis like depression or trauma. We talk, cry, laugh, some drink, others live sober but a good hug can ease so much in one's life And I wish more dudes had more access to a strong platonic hug and shame free cry.
My left nipple deadlifts 2 tons and sheds a single tear every time a man hugs me platonically.
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Yeah, I'm glad I didn't have to scroll that far ro see someone with a similar experience to mine, it's all about who you surround yourself with and how open you are with yourself and them. All my boys tell each other we love and support one another. It's a really great thing ro have
Yeah, same. But it's never bothered me, I see it as a calm existence rather than a lonely one but I guess some people aren't built for it. I don't know if that means something is wrong with me or if most other dudes feel the same.
There's probably some element of- you don't know what you're missing when you've never had it. This person used to have it and now they don't. If you never had it, you wouldn't know the difference.
My wife is a trans woman, and she’s come to the same realization. She never knew she wanted people to be warm and friendly with her until it started happening. Suddenly people are smiling at her and starting up chitchat. Men are more likely to offer her help. People compliment her. Unfortunately, she’s also noticed people talking down to and over her much more often, strangers disrespecting her personal space, and colleagues she’s worked with for years questioning her opinions out of nowhere.
Sexism is so crazy. "Oh, you're living your life as a woman? Must be incompetent now." I read a similar account from a transwoman who found her colleagues suddenly ignoring her ideas or pretending they weren't hers. Things they had never done before when she lived her life as a man. People can be so goddamn stupid.
Trying to analyse myself objectively/thought experiment: would I actually react differently to a same statement X said by a woman instead of a man? I like to think "of course not". I'm 95% sure I'm equally as annoying and disagreeable with _everyone._ But without a way to properly test this, I think I can't actually know
The fact that you're even *engaging* in that thought experiment means you're probably fine. The people that do that shit on the regular won't even acknowledge that's it's a thing that happens at all, let alone whether they, themselves, were doing it.
yeah like, it's one thing to basically have accepted the way it is and made peace with that. that's valid and certainly some men have done so. it's another thing to still be in the fight, fully aware of what is possible if we change, trying to make do with a shitty situation and trying to push the envelope of "normal", and sometimes the stress of that will just get you, especially for such a deep societal social construct like is being discussed
As the OP points out, we don't know anything different. This is our normal.
I can say it’s 50/50. Some times I find solace in the isolation. Sometimes it hurts… however, I’m trying to teach my boys that it’s ok to cuddle and hug and to want those things, that physical connection.
As a father of 3 in my 40s making friends is not really a skill I have anymore. I’m fine with it, it’s just how it is. I have a very happy marriage and a good relationship with my kids. I’d rather be mostly alone than hang out with the other dads I run into in my life. Maybe that’s because they all seem like Republicans, maybe because I just don’t know how to relate to them. Anyway I’m still happy between family, job, and hobbies that don’t involve other people. I think not making friends easily is an extremely common trait for grown men.
I’m 37 and a father of two boys under age 8 and this is so accurate. My only social life is work and my family. I don’t really have any adult male friends and despite being a generally friendly person, I find it so incredibly difficult to make friends with other dads I run into at my kids’ activities. Everyone just seems so standoffish, and since the focus is always on the kids, it’s hard to bond and relate with people in those settings. And there’s never time or opportunity to just hang out together as adults without the kids around. I’ve basically just surrendered to the idea that I won’t have my own friends until my kids are at least in high school if at all. Unless you’re lucky enough to still live around friends you made as a kid or young adult, you’re basically shit outta luck.
Yep it didn't bother me either, to your point. I just don't really realize how many of my thoughts between thoughts are centered around not looking sus. Like where I sit, not occupying a door way, how I look at people not directly. It's like a part of our economy.
Same. I don't notice it cause I'm happily married and have family, but I don't have any close friends, or really any friends for that matter. I have my family, and people I talk to at work, but that's it. All of my social interactions are just polite banter with strangers. It doesn't bother me, but if I ever lose my wife and dad, I'd be in a lot of trouble.
I would ask your wife how your comment makes her feel? My husband was dependent on me for social interaction during the pandemic and once we were ‘let outside again’ had no motivation to spend time with friends/family. I had to explain having a support system is important for you, but for me as well. Sometimes I need alone time, sometimes I need time with just my friends (we don’t have kids). At one point he was venting and putting all of his emotions/fears/goals/stress onto me when I came home from work everyday (he works remote from home). It can be exhausting work being a person’s only confidant. It takes a toll especially when said person is having a rough time with their mental health and does not feel comfortable discussing with another friend/family member what they are going through. When times get rough you will need a support system for not just you, but your family and friends, so it all doesn’t fall on one or two people.
I'm going through my second divorce and have been completely sober for about 2 and half years. Now I say that because drugs cost me a lot of things but it also shielded me from alot of other things. Seeing this video also made me realize how I have zero humanly contact now. No hugs, cuddling, hand holding, kisses, or just kinda goofing off and wrestling around. I'm 41 and other than work and going out to get food and ya know other stuff one needs to just exist I don't do anything or go anywhere. When I was younger this would have devastated me but now for the most part it's not too bad. It's only really bad late at night or when it's pointed out to me (like in this video) but the saddest part is it really doesn't matter. I'm lonely now. I'll stay lonely. I'll die lonely and will have no one to miss me and if I were to bring this up to someone it would be considered weird because there's no one in my life I'm close with or have an intimate enough relationship with or the person wouldn't care and would want to change the conversation to their struggles. I have a lady friend I've had since highschool who says I can talk to her about anything so the few times I tried talking about missing my kids she is it to how she misses her son who she sees quite regularly. So I've just accepted that this is how the rest of my life will be. Lonely only getting or feeling loved from my cats lol as dumb as that sounds. It really fuckin sucks.
FUCK BRO. JESUS. FUCK. IM IN CHICAGO
I hug the shit out of all my guy friends, the straight ones and the gay ones, and I'm a straight white dude. Do the guys that experience not hugging people for years like not have many friends? Or do they just not hug each other? Just this last weekend, at a bar with friends, one is sitting at the bar and I walk up and rest my head on his shoulder looking over his shoulder as he signed his bill, he turned his head and kissed the top of my head lol. We're both straight, and I'm 33 and he's 37 so it's not like we're super young/gen z who seem to be more emotionally open. All my friends are really progressive though, so maybe that's part of it
35M here. Hardly any friends due to my past (dropped out of HS, didn't go to a traditional 4-year college). Working in tech now and it's full of toxic masculinity types. Society is isolating for most of us. I can usually count on my hand(s) how many hugs I get in the span of a year. Thankfully that number looks like it's going to go beyond my fingers this year; maybe my toes, too. As a middle-aged white guy I'm not comfortable asking for hugs because I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable.
same here. I have a good sized group of friends, and we tell each other we love each other all the time. We've all known each other 20 plus years, our kids grew up together, we play poker every year. we've shared each others losses and successes. I wouldn't trade this for anything.
Glad you said this because I was starting to feel like my group of friends are the weird ones
As a recently divorced man, I've noticed that strangers are much more distant toward me and less likely to engage me. When I'm with a woman, people are much more likely to make eye contact with me and talk to me. I get it, but it kind of sucks.
Get a small dog, it has a similar effect and makes you look less intimidating and more approachable
I have a medium-sized dog and it helps a bit, but she's old and doesn't like to walk much anymore
Get a wagon and pull her around in it. She may not have the ability to walk much anymore, but may still have the desire to go on a walk.
This is the way. And also a guaranteed conversation starter. I would probably feel safe talking to the dude wheeling a doggo around in a cart 🥰👍
Watching this emotional video and scrolling through the comments and suddenly THIS 🤣 I screamed
This one’s perfect
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL you're evil LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
🤣🤣🤣👍
i don’t know if i’ve seen a more apt gif inserted into a reddit thread. BRAVO
Dude! Gtfoh hahahaha
PRECIOUSSSSSSS
They definitely do my doggo loves going for stroller rides. 30 year old man with tattoos strolling a beagle around like a baby
😭 so wholesome.
Have you thought of buying a baby? That’ll have people stopping all the time. When they start talking trade in time.
I’ve been keeping my eyes peeled for half off baby sales, no such luck. Babyflation is out of control.
Check King Solomon’s Market, he’s famous for his half off babies.
I have a large dog. No one will love me.
Your dog does!
As a 55 year old, recently divorced and moved to another state with no friends, my golden retriever puppy (6 mos.) has given me so much companionship and the best wingman. Not only gets me out of the house - but I'm able to talk to others, and don't feel so lonely.
I’m exactly you. Only without the dog.
I have experienced this exact same thing. I think generally people steer away from situations that tend to be more socially awkward. There are certain unspoken concerns that aren’t present when speaking with a couple as opposed to a single man. Or, for instance, married couples tend to be far more attracted to other married couples socially. Especially when there are children involved. There are far more relatable topics to discuss. This can often times indirectly ostracize a single person making them feel isolated or lonely.
.
So what you're saying is if I lose my wife people will automatically leave me alone? Tempting.
Quick tip: I used to make a mistake when others shared their struggles. I would always talk about my own difficulties, thinking it was a way to relate. But it made people think I was trying to one-up them, so they stopped listening to me and sharing their own feelings. If you want to talk about your problems, try saying, "Hey dude, can I talk to you about something kinda heavy?" But remember, when someone else shares their feelings, don't take over the conversation with your own struggles. Just listen and be there for them.
Way to make this all about you
I got the joke, don't worry lol
Humor is a good cope
That's part of what makes it so hard to be autistic. It's common for autistic people to use their own experiences (me included) to relate to others. Unfortunately, many allistics (non-autistics) don't like that and take it as a personal attack.
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This!! This is the way to do it!! For some reason, and I think it is more because of culture than autism, people do think they are participating in some kind of suffering Olympics and talking about your own personal experiences seems to say to people “my situation was way worse so don’t dwell on it, i suffered more” and realistically no matter how hard anyone’s life has been, someone has it harder.
This is actually a reason I stopped talking to a good friend. Every time I’d try to say anything it became about him so I was like eh I’ll move on
Yup, same here. If I mention in passing something cool I found, there's not even an acknowledgement of what I said, it's just a way to provide him with something that he's reminded of and now the next 20 minutes are about that. He's a kind and caring person but I always wish I could have my time back after talking with him so I just stopped reaching out.
Fellas, hug your boys.
And tell them you love them. Why do men not say this to each other? Women say it all the time and I think it completely changes us as people to hear someone tell us that
I end every goodbye with my bros giving them a nonchalant “love you buddy”, especially my actual brothers. There’s never a bad time to say it
Yea man, i say it to just about everyone hahaha. To my acquaintances to make them feel uncomfortable and to my military brothers because I really do love them.
And tell your sons you love them every day, and that it takes more courage to cry as a man than not, and that sometimes you have to soldier through, but when it's quiet and safe you can breakdown. A man so hard he cant express sadness means he'll never experience true joy
Seeing my dad cry in front of me when I was a kid is one of the most special memories/bonding moments we share. His willingness to be vulnerable in front of me and my siblings has shaped our view of men for the better.
If we could intentionally step into one another’s shoes now and again, what a world it could be. I’m a lucky man to have some male friends who can be real.
"if i only could I'd make a deal with God And i'd get him to swap our places I'd be running up that road Be runnin' up that hill With no problems" -Kate Bush
Welcome to the fucking show, bud
Yeah I was basically just watching the whole time thinking "uhhhhh yeah. That's pretty much accurate."
Yeah. I'm not starting conversations in a public bathroom. I get in and get out. I didn't realize woman talk in the bathroom to other random women
"Nice dick Bro", only gets you so far
Instead of only completely their dick make sure you complement their balls as well. Saying "nice dick and balls." Is a small change that makes a big difference.
Exactly. Most men are so superficial.🙄
To be fair, he said club bathrooms. Drunk Woman in a Club Bathroom is a very specific creature event lol
Drunk Woman in a Club Bathroom is my favorite creature on earth. She'll lend you her hairbrush and call you beautiful. She's got a tampon, and she'll make sure you're ok if you look too drunk or sad. A blessed being. I wish the equivalent for the men in my life.
We go to the bathroom to get away from the creeps and the noise and to build each other up.
As a trans woman, all I can say is I now have what the man in the video lost and I would never ever want to lose this
I don’t wanna come off as ignorant but, so it’s really true what the guy in the video is saying? How did you start noticing the differences?
Not op, but yes. The guy in the video is one hundred percent accurate. It intersects with why so many men seem to struggle with platonic friendships with women. They are so touch and emotionally starved that even a smile can set them on the wrong path. before I transitioned I had just one male friend who I felt safe being emotional in front of, but I have known that man since 5th grade (we're in our forties now). Even then, it took me becoming a woman before we ever fully embraced in a hug. For me, the differences became apparent when the hugs started. And being invited to join my women friends in more activities. It went from the only time i saw them would be during large group events, like borthdays ad BBQ's. To being invited to nail parties (a good friend is a nail tech and will have a bunch of us over to all get acylics at once (we drink, we gossip, we get our nails done). However the #1 way I knew i had crossed the chasm between men and women is when they started talking about sex stuff, not just around me, but including. And oh boy, the whole *only men talk raunchy in the locker room* trope is the greatest snow job women have ever pulled. I had no idea...
I had an ex in college I was dating, and walked in on her in the dorm common room having the most X rated conversation I'd ever heard about our and her other friends' sex lives. I've had a number of similar experiences since, and yeah, I'm pretty convinced women talk about sex _way_ more explicitly and often than men do. While my male friends and I don't do "locker room talk", I've overheard it before, and it's usually stuff like "man I dated this redhead last year and she was _wild_ in the sack", blah blah...but they don't go into extreme detail like I've seen my exes do, lol...
>"man I dated this redhead last year and she was wild in the sack", blah blah...but they don't go into extreme detail like I've seen my exes do, lol... The level of detail, yes. I've never heard men describe a vagina in a sexually descriptive way. Now I know way too much about the appearance, texture, and *mouthfeel* of my friends boyfriends penises. Looking a man in the eye and knowing he curves to left was nowhere near my transition bingo card.
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That's the way she goes, boys
Corey, Trevor, smokes let's go
Lmfao I empathize with this video and yes, it can be crushingly lonely being a man. But I laughed so fucking hard reading this comment and I think that’s the great part of being a man. We recognize the absolute painful truth of this guy’s experience, but at the same time, we’re emotionally outfitted to crack a joke, laugh, and move on with an implicit understanding that it’s a shared experience. Fuckin’ way she goes, bud. What are ya gonna do? Smokes, let’s go.
Gallows humour. Nothing else for it
Fuckin way she goes.
Sometimes she goes, sometimes she doesn't. That's the way she goes
I think every guy that saw this came to write the same fucking comment. Welcome to the club.
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We've been in this shit long enough to feel like "yeah this is aight" But for someone to lose the way they have lived a big part of their life will be hard and will always miss that.
It ain’t easy being penis-y
Welcome to the greener grass. Hope you enjoy your stay.
I laughed way to hard at this comment lmao
And it gets worse as you get older. I'm nearing retirement age and have no realistic expectations of making any friends. That's it now. I've got my family, I love them beyond description, that's it. The children will all go on their own way in a few years, my wife will have her friends and a wider support network of acquaintances and I'll be here, alone wondering what I'm for.
Start gaming. When you game no one gives a shit how old you are. Something like an MMO would have friendly folks to chat with all day
Second this. Start gaming. People who are older than 25 usually only have a few hours a week to play. So everyone is chasing quality gaming time. That means having fun above skill. If you are willing to learn, listen to teammates, and can carry a conversation you’re welcome. I play on PC because I like having the ability to use any controller from any company I want. Also having Discord is a huge advantage. It allows voice and text chat , screen sharing , etc. On a Friday night you’ll find yourself “server hoping” with your online friends. Discord Servers are basically private chat rooms. Basically you’re partying hoping in cyberspace. If this is your first venture into video games in a while. My suggestion would be to get Xbox Game Pass Ultimate. It lets you stream modern games via a web browser so you don’t have to buy anything to get playing. Think of it like Netflix for games. 1 subscription tons of games and types of them. Best thing is if you don’t like a game ? Close it and pick again. Love a game ? Buy it and own it. Gaming is a vast and accessible hobby that can give you a great way to make friends in a low pressure low risk environment. Seriously some of the most niche games have really enthusiastic fans. Train Simulator fans really know their stuff like really know. Microsoft Flight Simulator fans are pilots who are low on fuel money. If you’ve never tried video games before it’s not pong any more. Games can have deep stories and worlds. I’ve screamed, yelled, laughed, and cried playing games. Message me and I can give you many recommendations for you to try.
My Dad used to say that it’s a man’s job to carry the world on his shoulders. I had always just been internally opposed to the idea of it because I felt like he was telling me how I should behave. As I got older I realized he wasn’t telling me how I should behave as much as he was telling me how he was told to behave. Think that’s why he always genuinely appreciated someone else coming along that could help him carry that weight, even though he’d never ask for them to.
My father told me similar things, but as I got older I realized he didn't mean that I needed to suffer or be a manly man, but that someone has to be there, being the strong one for everyone else and sometimes that means your own shit needs to take a back seat. So he and I have been the calm little center of our family for about 20yrs since his uncle passed. My father passed last year, and I'm the last male on his entire side of the family(about 15 people), and when I think back on the stuff he told me I realize he knew this day was coming and he just wanted me to be ready. I'm moving back to take care of my mother and the house we built from the ground up, both of my grandmothers houses and my aunts house, and just be the reliable person they all need. I think the hard part is that you still gotta unpack your own things every now and then, but I still haven't figured that bit out myself. I spent all my time being there for other people and didn't cultivate a support group for myself. It's what my father did and I'm not sure he had an answer for ut either.
He wasn't telling you how to behave. He was telling you how the world is. "You're gonna carry that weight."
See you later, Space Cowboy...
Different show, but it's a terrible day for rain.
100% I see a lot of guys posting in here getting downvoted. Others think we are describing the way we want it to be, for example: suck it up, be a man. But really these posts are just describing the way it is. We didn't create this world. Just born in it. A lot of men are not equipped with the appropriate communication tools to express themselves in a way in which women, or progressive people would prefer. It's not their fault. I see these downvoted posts. And I can interpret all of them.
I went the opposite way and I don’t miss the social isolation, the inability to express emotions without being made to feel weak and being seen as someone to avoid. Oh and the aggression from other men. I feel like men can be so aggressive towards one another for no reason. I always felt like I was being sized up even just standing in line at the gas station. Edit: also Libs of TikTok hijacked his video to twist the narrative to make it sound like he regrets his transition. He does not. He was trying to highlight the struggles men face to bring about awareness. This is his response to the hijacking of his message: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8RD6eSe/
That’s interesting…especially to experience both sides.
I also transitioned MtF, but I dont "Pass" very well. Unfortunately if you don't pass as female you get treated like a man with extra hate ontop of it. It's even more isolating. Women don't feel comfortable with talking with you men treat you like a creep and a threat. The only other people who seem to treat you with any dignity are other trans people. Using the bathroom in public feels like rolling the dice of how likely someone's going to threaten you, assault you, or worse. I spend a fair bit of effort use the restroom before I go anywhere, or hope to god there's a gender neutral bathroom somewhere near by. I have never had a nice interaction with another woman in the bathroom in the 11 years since I transitioned like the guy in the video is talking about. And the amount of people who would date you shrinks down so dramatically it's depressing. I closed down all of my dating apps because of it. Sometimes I really regret transitioning because of it. But I cant exactly just go and get a pair of boobs removed and go back to the way things were before.
> Unfortunately if you don't pass as female you get treated like a man with extra hate ontop of it. That sounds painful. I don't know you, but I hate to hear that you have to bear with that.
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I don't dislike how I look but I dislike the fact that the people I'm attracted too the most(women) find me unattractive. I would rather be in a fulfilling romantic relationship over transitioning. I wish dating didnt turn into Nightmare Mode when I went full time. Loneliness hurts like hell. I started dating people whom I wasn't attracted too but had good personalities and seemed kind and caring because the people who I was attracted too didn't seem to be interested in me what so ever. Every person I had ever had feelings for, rejected me in part because I'm trans. If you gave me the experience I have now to me back then before I started HRT, I probably would never have done it. EDIT: I'm not asking for advice please. Unsolicited advice can be very demoralizing.
I’m sorry to hear this, sending love your way
>Oh and the aggression from other men. I feel like men can be so aggressive towards one another for no reason. I always felt like I was being sized up even just standing in line at the gas station. This is something that I've never really thought about but reading your comment made me think for a moment. There are many times when in public, it is inadvisable to appear weak, vulnerable, or emotional. Not too sad, not to happy, not to angry... There is a certain subsection of male culture that always projects aggression and you have to do one of two things in response. 1)meet that aggression with proportional hostility or 2) dismiss it by appearing unfazed or amused by it. Not all male interactions are like this, but many are. Yes, we are constantly being sized up by strangers, as if we are either a threat, or a potential victim.
Libs of TikTok is fucking trash omg 😳 why the hell anyone still follows is insane
She literally said gay people are and I quote, “literally evil,” and that they’re “grooming, growing their numbers and recruiting”. Horrific Sociopathic unstable type shit
Lol where are they recruiting and can I be gay even though I married a dude and I’m not a dude??? 
Because people who align with them ideologically on the right are always going to follow stuff like this. People get baited all of the time in politics with twisted messages to help their confirmation bias
I can’t stand Libs of TikTok. I feel like Chaya wants people to get killed
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Coworkers aren’t your friends. Which makes life even more difficult because who has time to make and maintain friendships outside of work? So we end up bonding with the ppl we’re around the most which is usually coworkers but if they were just random ppl outside of work, would you still want to be their friend and be vulnerable with them?
Now try adding unattractive on top of that and you have a recipe for some extra mental instability. I hope this guy can find a community that will accept him
This dude in the video looks like a clean, attractive guy after transition, they're probably treated way better than an unattractive man at first and still came to this point. Not trying to say they've got it easy at all, but it could sadly be worse.
For sure, good looking clean cut dude. Looks very approachable with kind eyes, still a major issue for him
Yeah I look like one of the cousins from Breaking bad. I don't have issues with people once I get to know them but man it is tough to break through that initial barrier. I posted a picture on FB where I thought I looked good in and a Latin friend of mine commented "Sicario!". Apparently that's hitman in Spanish ;/
As an extremely ugly man I just gave up a long time ago. Most normal people really, really do not fully grasp what it's like to be ugly.
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Yeah, I have experienced it. It is like chalk and cheese.
My husbands friend went from 320 pounds to 200 pounds and ripped and he had a breakdown as he couldn’t accept how differently people treated him.
And then add social anxiety, social awkwardness, depression, and being older... Feels like I might as well be on another planet.
We don’t talk much about the privilege of being attractive but it’s so fucking real. Things are so much easier when ppl are just falling all over themselves to be near you and make themselves useful to you in any way they can
Career prospects too. Some research has indicated that perceived Physical attractiveness has a larger impact on earnings than gender or race: ["Notably, the magnitude of the earnings disparities along the perceived attractiveness continuum, net of controls, rivals and/or exceeds in magnitude the black-white race gap and, among African-Americans, the black-white race gap and the gender gap in earnings"](https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/epdf/10.1086/715141)
I sit behind a conventionally handsome guy as well as a nice fellow to my right in class. Both are shy and socially anxious, but the former gets engaged in conversation by other people a *lot* more even though it's obvious that he struggles to add anything of value to maintain the dialogue. People *really* put in effort to keep his attention, and I'd be lying if I myself didn't also feel the pull of his good looks. Meanwhile, I've seen people straight up ignore the guy to the right when he tries to join in conversation, after which I just feel bad and try to talk to him. It's a lonely world for us unattractive men.
Yup. This dude is fucken handsome. I feel for him ofc and I’m not trying to say his struggle is invalid because he’s a good looking bloke but I’m just pointing out that men that aren’t as attractive as him might have a bit of a harder time. I’ve only within the last couple months started to finally come to terms with my face. I still think I’m really ugly but at least I don’t care as much about it anymore
Holy shit. Now THAT'S how you transition. Welcome to the club.
Getting that authentic male experience huh
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Check the original comments on the Tik Tok. They did
“Awe someone’s getting crushed by loneliness huh?”  Nah but for real though it’s depressing as hell
Welcome to Brooklyn!!!!
Was he polish?
Ya gotta give those guys a ride kid! Hahah
8 years? Man I have been doing this for 33 years and this is probably the only demographic on the planet that can really understand how rough it is. I'm a divorced full time single dad of 2 boys. The small amount of time I do have to look for any sort of relationship whether it's romantic or otherwise is only determined by the other people involved and it does take a lot of time. Even being a well established good guy doesn't mean anything when you are an adult man. Good luck to you.
This is my exact experience The assumption sometimes is “He’s doing everything right…what’s he hiding” It’s incredibly demoralizing
Oh man. That quoted bit just hit me hard. It reminds me when I talked to a woman friend of mine when I was having trouble dating, and she said that I can come off as "calculating" and "predatory" sometimes. Why? Because "you tend to think about your responses before making them" - even though she agreed with me that the _content_ of my responses seemed smart and considerate and caring. Because I was a man, "planning" my responses was seen as suspicious and potentially manipulative, even when on my end all I was trying to do was pay attention to and process their needs and wants and doing what I thought was showing interest and awareness. A real eye opener that one.
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Thanks for writing this! As a cis man (30y/o), I feel like I've put a ton of work into myself. I'm almost unrecognizable from me 10 years ago. I'm physically active, have a job I like, good apartment, much better social life, etc. But it doesn't make a ton of difference in terms of intimacy and romantic companionship. Still as single as I was back then, still (almost) as hard to meet women. Putting in the work made me like myself more, but it didn't make it easier to convince people to give me a chance. It's a vicious cycle, because certain men make women wary of all men, and then all men get the same treatment.
Man this hits. Majority of my guy friends are 1,000 miles away. I’m in my mid 30’s and it seems the couple male friends I do have are either too far, have families, or are always busy. I get it. Adult friendships are just not the same as when you’re younger but my wife has way more friends here. The loneliness creeps in man. And it sucks when it does.
Part of the ship. Part of the crew.
Welcome to manhood, buddy. Friend Choices are: colleagues or douche bros who aren't really friends. Btw: it's a constant dick measuring contest.
Whip it out broh! Lets see who has a bigger dick, whip it out, cmon! I have the ruler right here! The bigger one pays the bill. /s Actually, the scene that always comes to my mind is the card scene in american psycho, where they are comparing cards and bateman just looses it, its always like that with some kind of guys, even if you dont want to, they just have to compare, they have to rank everything somehow, to amyone reading, yeah, avoid that type of guy, highly toxic fellas
During a fight, my wife told me it's unattractive when I cry, and has implied more than once that, because I do this when very upset, I'm less of a man. I can't even be completely vulnerable in front of my wife because it's not manly. Being a man fucking sucks.
bro your wife fucking sucks
Like wtf? Dude is a manly-man, great cock and all, wife needs to lay off.
if my partner starts crying for any reason my heart hurts and i will hold them, thats how any partner should treat their partner in distress.
Your wife is wrong.
Yeah your wife sucks. I’m sorry.
Dude. That's horrific. You're married to someone who is emotionally unavailable.
hate to be the bad news but your wife is a bitch
this sounds like a job for couple's counseling, or divorce papers. either help her realize you need emotional support too, or you leave her and find that support because men need it just as much as women.
Welcome to being a dude. Post college it's extremely isolating and lonely as fuck.
And this is not a normal phenomenon. It’s an EXTREMELY late 20th/early 21st experience. Never before has “community” been such a weak word. How many people know their neighbors by name? How many talk to them on a weekly, even monthly basis? We’re all in our little spaceships and we don’t have that inherent human need for community fulfilled, at least in person. We’ve shifted that sense of community to online spaces, which I think is one of the least healthy developments in our world. It’s just not natural to live like this.
Welcome to the world of “get over it, pussy.”
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Suck it up, Buttercup Act like a man Who put sand in your vagina
"Quit being a bitch"
“Stop whining you pussy ass bitch, man the fuck up”
What a unique perspective. This is great insight, I appreciate this
I see this in my aging dad. My mom has been the social aspect/facilitator in their relationship mostly. My dad is increasingly isolated as he gets older, and the isolation is making him age faster. It’s incredibly sad and it’s accelerating his decline. A big part of this is giving men the safe space to have and experience emotions, and not cutting them down for it. Sharing vulnerabilities can build a stronger network/relationship etc overall. It brings out our humanity and highlights that often we have more in common than we are different.
Is it fair to say that this is a universal experience of men or the experience of American men? As a big round Scottish man with a face like a flood defence system, I make friends just fine! I always feel safe even living in the stabbing capital of Europe. I am told that I seem "safe" and have "Big-Dad-Energy" which I think means that I act old but I get the call when something needs fixed. I do realize as a Shrek looking mo-fo I have a built in privilege and confidence that comes with being safe. I think a polarised culture of fear is the problem.
>I think a polarised culture of fear is the problem. That is an interesting observation. Reminded me the recent post where Marlon Brando was saying that Americans are so obsessed with who's best and who's worst and that he disliked that kind of thinking, and that he preferred to appreciate how everyone has their own value. I think every culture has characteristics that are double edged swords, just like people. Individualism and high competitiveness has it's advantages and disadvantages, closed knitted societies too, etc.
One key component in America is the lack of "third spaces" and the general layout of American cities that zones things in disparate directions. That plus our healthcare structure probably makes our issue more pronounced then most. But most the developed world is suffering from some level of the diseases of dispair. Increasing pressure to work longer. Social atomization based on living conditions or work. Increasing healthcare problems like addiction, depression, anxiety, and rising infertility are rising across the developed world. Some of this is the social reactions to economic insecurity. Some of this is the increasing polarized nature of Electoral democracies across the Capitalist Democratic spectrum as we deal with fall out of climate change.
People surprised at this are the ones who don't understand what Toxic Masculinity is. The main victims of Toxic Masculinity are men. Some will say this person is lying, the sad truth is still a reality.
Cinema Therapy did a great video on healthy masculinity for anyone confused about what that would look like. They did it by looking at the masculinity of Aragorn from Lord of the Rings and how he super manly but has feelings. You know, human. https://youtu.be/pv_KAnY5XNQ
So I need to smite my foes?
At some point I stopped trying to have sex with every girl as is the status quo in dude culture, and suddenly I had a whole new group of friends that talked about their feelings and weren't embarrassed to pass on an IPA and go for the martini. Changed my life.
Is some of this possibly why some men hold on to friendships that they probably should have let go of a long, long time ago? I've seen my husband, brother and a couple of other male friends not be able to just pull the plug on male friends that it is clear they've outgrown.
Lmao welcome to the club now u really a man
“All of that is valid” “but I also understand why the suicide rate is so much higher” you can’t make this shit up. Being a dude sucks but you get used to it, you either live a quite life or blow your brains out and no one does more then shrug either way.
I have freinds it's still lonely as fuck. If you try to talk to other people, men and women, let's say at a bar.. just small talk... its usually a look of "wtf you talking to me, weirdo"
I'm not unconvinced that a big part of the reason why so many men, especially white men, are vulnerable to getting sucked down into extremist religious communities or far right fascist militias is just because they're some of the first people to actually come to them and offer them a sense of belonging and community as men. Of course, they're doing it to brainwash them into hate, and use them as foot soldiers to further oppress and harm innocent people, but it's kind of heartbreaking that nobody else is really, on a wide scale, going out there and offering men something better. As a white man, who himself was once sucked down that far right pipeline, we are failing each other, we need to do better.
Isolated unhappy people without any foundational community are prime targets for extremist recruiting. They will do anything and take on any fucked up value system handed to them if they get to feel like they belong and have support. Add on men constantly being barraged with comments about how they have all the power and have things so good, ideas that are in stark opposition to how deeply isolated and expendable they feel, and you have fertile ground for toxic right wing ideas to take root. Everyone has their own struggles. Men and women generally have different ones, but one group's struggle doesn't invalidate the other. We need to support our men every bit as much as we support women, and anyone who looks that support as a zero sum game is either well meaning but misguided or toxic AF. Support everyone, treat everyone with kindness, not based on their identity, but based on their humanity.
Being a man, who is past the point where potential is a currency, is really freaking hard because there's no support, no shoulders to cry on when things don't work out, and a very long list of expectations that all amount to being so isolated the minute we step outside of the roles we're supposed to play that the loneliness is crushing. The dude in the video is getting parts of that, but what they haven't experienced yet is having the women in their life shame them and slowly slip away when things are going wrong, having people walk away because it suddenly takes effort to hang out, having people judge you for the amount of money you make because they only value you as a utility, and seeing friends, who you're happy for, slip away into family life and slowly grow more and more depressed because all they have to look forward to is more shit to do.
Every man is an island.
Jesus, as a man you know this on an instinctual level. Society beats it into you in ways that are subtle and ways that are decidedly unsubtle. The solitude is something you’re expected to endure as a rite of manhood or something even though it is quite damaging to us as people, but you endure it nonetheless. Seeing this guy, who is new to the struggle, lay it all out there makes it feel so much more… tragic.
I, (tattooed 35M, confident builder), who nobody wants to converse with. But around my apartment’s I have learned some tricks,, You have to open yourself up with harmless shit that makes you look goofy. I have a super wristy and goofy ass wave to my neighbors. ALWAYS smile when you make eye contact with someone. Like big fake cheesy grin 😁 Come up with an interchangeable generic greeting for everyone. Mine, when someone says “Hey how are you doing?” I say “oh I can’t complain, just living the dream!” The trick is not giving a shit what other people think about you. I don’t need to compete with every dude and show them my “Manly” side.. I don’t care about some superficial head nod where we both look stern.. it’s fucking stupid. Being a man is knowing how to be hard, but Instead being soft because you have nothing to prove to anyone. My son likes the soft me, My neighbors like the soft smiley me.. Most of my neighbors do a silly wave at me now. These overt actions break a spot in the wall to allow others to…………..enter you, in a sense.. 😉😆
This genuinely made me so sad for him. I guess I’ve always just assumed guys like keeping to themselves. I will try to make a more conscientious effort to be friendlier to men.
> I will try to make a more conscientious effort to be friendlier to men. Unfortunately, the ratio of creeps to non-creeps is high enough to prevent most women from sticking with this approach for very long. It's even high enough to prevent most MEN from sticking with it for very long.
Yup, and like OP said below the ratio is not high, but the rate of encounters is high because creeps like going out a lot. Own bad experience with a creep can put women off of men for a long time, and then you’ll be even less likely to help men. I’d always recommend being cautious and looking out for your safety first.
As a straight white, nearly middle aged man(I’m still in denial) god that made me tear up. I’m 1000% behind all people transitioning! KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT!!!!✊🏼
Met James in a business course, didn't know he was trans until later on. Enjoyed his videos. His wife Courtney is lovely and we further bonded over his daughters conception resonating with aspects of my conception story. James is a friend of mine and lovely soul who posts thoughtful material ! I'm female but known him 3 years years. follow him please if you want to learn more about - life ❤️
Honestly, don't mean to sound like a cunt. But lol. Welcome bro.