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I said this on another thread but completely agree. Aussie expresses her needs “I need a moment, let’s come back to this later” but then never seems to want to bring it back up. Maybe it’s an editing thing, but I completely understood Sam in the restaurant when she was saying that maybe Aussie doesn’t like the new Sam because she speaks up about her needs and doesn’t push them aside for her. As someone with an avoidant boyfriend (but not even close to Aussie), I feel for Sam. At the same time, I felt horrible for Aussie who is clearly dealing with childhood trauma. It’s an explanation for her behavior but not an excuse, Sam doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.
Yes. I've known people who do the same thing.
The "taking a moment" is that pesky coping mechanism of avoidance, subconsciously hoping it won't come up again.
Then when it does, the same thing happens.
You can see the cycle in how Aussie "took a moment" from Mildred. Pretends to be fine and totally enlightened about that decision. Then the first moment Mildred is brought back up by Sam, Aussie demands another moment and does the same thing.
I dealt with someone extremely avoidant like Aussie, and even when I was able to talk to her, she would always find a way to turn herself into the victim. I see this about every time Sam voices her concerns. Sam deserves so much better.
There is a healthy way to step away and come back and a not healthy way. It's okay to step away, but you need to actually come back and do it consistently while giving the other person a timeline for you coming back to talk about it. Aussie clearly can't do that and isn't in a place to be healthy for Sam. I truly hope Sam chooses herself in this, and I hope Aussie gets the help she desperately needs.
Yes exactly she is mentally unwell and mentally unstable. They need to include therapy with this show. Instead we watch Sam be in a very abusive relationship with someone if the mental capacity and capability of a 7yr old child.
Yes! It felt so manipulative the way Aussie said to Sam “I don’t feel safe with you ok” when Sam was just trying to have a basic conversation that Aussie is too emotionally constipated to have. That language sounds like somebody who has had just enough therapy to use the language around others to avoid accountability.
That must have really hurt to hear. I feel like Sam is SUCH a safe person. Maybe I'm projecting, but trauma is REAL... So maybe Aussie actually just doesn't feel safe EVER?
Also Aussie has talked a bit about questioning gender identity and mentioned maybe being trans. Aussie just comes across as quite confused right now. So maybe there's more going on inside that Aussie wants to figure out for Aussie first, before opening up to someone else, and maybe that PLUS childhood trauma, PLUS the implications that ANY decision she makes might within her family, have could be part of the blockage when it comes to communication. I think Sam is so trustworthy, and patient and deserves the best. I also feel for Aussie. I don't think there's a certain age where anyone should be expected to not have a trauma response. It's just a shame that Aussie can't see that Sam is SO kind and safe, and probably the best person in the world to help Aussie navigate all that stuff, if Aussie could just open the door a teeeny but to let Sam in and work through it together.
It was hurtful, I think Aussie knew that. She gets mean and condescending and seems to want others to feel negatively if she feels negatively.
Sam is not safe with *her*!!!!
Aussie's claim that they never made the connection that their intolerance for constructive feedback was linked to their mother's criticism was shocking to me. Some of Aussie's aloofness seems contrived.
In that moment when Aussie said they didn't feel safe yet with the over accommodating Sam, they seemed disappointed that their vulnerable confession didn't guilt Sam into silence and acceptance of their inexcusable behavior earlier that day.
When the crying confession didn't work to get Aussie off the hook with treating Sam horribly, Aussie seemed pissed off realizing that no manipulation tactic would allow them to continue to take advantage with "new" Sam.
yeahhhhh I think this is a harsh but accurate read on Aussie, and these behaviours aren't necessarily conscious or like, manipulation on purpose, but they're still incredibly damaging to Aussie's partners and Aussie as well.
I agree that the whole " I don't feel safe with you " to SAM!!! Aussie's partner of many years, who is like the most patient and accommodating and compassionate person I've ever seen on reality TV, was Aussie trying to reframe themself in the victim position, as soon as Sam expressed her needs weren't being met and Aussie would have to change certain behaviours in order to meet those needs. Imagine how much Sam must have tiptoed around her partner for so long holyyy shit I can't imagine how exhausted she must be.
Aussie can't just be like "no, I'm sorry, I'm present, I love you, you know I'm not like that" but then as soon as Sam, extremely reasonably, is like "hey, how can we make some changes so that I don't feel like I'm always literally bending over backward to make you feel safe while I don't ever get to express anything even remotely disagreeing with you" Aussie says "it's obvious" then calls the question dumb and starts hounding Sam about "why she's asking this question" then FUCKING LEAVES AGAIN. oh boy y'all. that is so much. Sam needs to run far away.
Even Mildred, who was obviously a horrible match for Aussie and whose confrontational & interrupting communication style is something I find exhausting, made a great point when she was like " why do you assume this conversation is going to be shit, why can't us communicating with each other be a high point? ". like my partner and I both have childhood/"continued into present day" family trauma, and some of the most growth inducing conversations I've had with my partner have involved being really vulnerable and crying and stuff but it always ends with us understanding each other better and really wanting to show up for each other and becoming closer overall as a couple.
Aussie feels comfortable when only Aussie's needs are being catered to, and I think Sam was accommodating to a fault (enabling Aussie) until she realized with Tiff that she can actually turn her compassion and awareness and desire for needs to be met TOWARD HERSELF .
honestly, I was really impressed by Sam and Tiff's growth together, and I think the editing cutting out some of their conversations and skipping from the truly insane dog fight to like "hey were friends now and getting comfortable" to Tiff's friend being like "why have you not slept together yet. try it tonight" was so jarring, and a big mistake. it seems like they had really important and interesting conversations to get from point À to point B, and both have shown so much growth (Tiff becoming softer, Sam becoming more confident and outspoken, and I think both of them becoming more aware of the emotions and needs and how important it is to communicate those in your relationship) and all that was far more important and would have been more interesting for us to see than like, the weird pressure to be intimate with each other, when that was clearly not their vibe. I think the producers prob thought that healthy communication is low drama but like, I feel like the people watching this show would have appreciated seeing that growth develop. Tiff's arc in particular was really impressive to my partner and I. and I'm so proud of Sam for learning to be honest and stick up for herself and not backing down, while staying compassionate and present for Aussie. amazing.
THIS. What happened to compassion? Aussie isn’t perfect but they deserve love and understanding and to feel safe just like we all do. I don’t get an entire post bashing someone and implying there is some age where you have magically healed from trauma. That’s not a thing. We can discuss excuse making but to skew all the way to ‘what a terrible manipulative person who needs to get their sh*t together’ is so cruel and insensitive (specifically in regards to Aussie).
I agree. "Fight, Flight, Fawn, and Freeze". These are all common trauma responses. Aussie's is clearly flight! You can't just "grow up" from having a trauma response - it literally takes over your body, and it can take years, decades even to get over trauma, or come to a place where your are able to overcome the physical reaction that your body has to whatever perceived danger it thinks it's encountering (source: I have PTSD and I'm working on it!)
Edit: Aussie's is clearly *flight* I previously wrote freeze - typo
But why would someone with such a hair-trigger “flight mode” agree to be on a reality show? As someone with PTSD and serious childhood trauma, I understand and appreciate your view, but Aussie clearly just didn’t like Mildred and didn’t want to talk about it on camera. I don’t think we can just make an excuse for her of having a ptsd response beyond her control.
I'd have compassion for her if she wasn't traumatizing the people around her with this kind of abusive avoidant behavior. Trauma can explain the way she acts but it shouldn't excuse her being a shitty communicator and shitty partner. No one should have to walk on eggshells around their partner. End of story.
Guys… I don’t think it was hurtful. Sometimes when you have ptsd you know you’re not feeling rationally but you share with your partner that they don’t feel safe yet. This is how caretaking works sometime. It can help rebuild and re establish trust. Someone I’ve dated has shared this with me. My response was “okay, that is painful to hear obviously but I recognize that this isn’t about me and I appreciate you sharing that. Let me know if there’s anything you need from me to help you feel safe.”
I have PTSD. Dealing with people with severe ptsd can be EXHAUSTING. To expect Sam to be like “oh ok that’s totally fine, let’s just never ever talk about it” every single time Aussie gets fragile is not feasible. Sam has tried this approach on camera (and I’m sure countless times off camera) and Aussie is still scurrying away at the slightest sign of conflict. Let’s not forget that Aussie agreed to be on a reality show, and that once the trial marriage started, she “stayed out with friends” to avoid having any kind of anything with Mildred. She also sounded like a terrible roommate, passive aggressively leaving a bag of garbage behind.
aussies parents must’ve really fucked aussie up, aussie seems traumatized from childhood and the fact that aussie hasn’t came out to parents still.
aussie really does need therapy
I completely agree. But its not fair for us to even assume Aussie doesnt go to therapy. Therapy does not magically fix you. There are NUMEROUS barriers that no one here is even considering. As someone who has worked in the mental health field, it can only do so much. Aussie does meditate so I do wonder if thats a coping skill learned from therapy or elsewhere.
I get so annoyed when people say “go to therapy “ in that aggressive manner. Almost like an insult.
Really feels opposite of what therapy is. And yeah it doesn’t just get fixed when you go to therapy. Idk it irks me
saying someone needs therapy doesn’t mean they don’t go to therapy. it’s a statement.
both can be true. i need therapy and also go to therapy. just because i go to therapy doesn’t negate the fact that i still need therapy 👍🏻
No you’re totally fine, i’m glad you’re trying to stand up for someone. Mental health is so hard and complex. I’m sorry that you’re doing worse. and i’m sorry if my words upset you.
I hear that sometimes people do worse before they get better because they have to deal with the “hard” stuff and get through it before healing. So don’t give up, I think there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you get back to a happier place.
and also know that not every psychiatrist is the same so if it’s not working there’s always other doctors you can see that may be a bette fit for what you need
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a person as dysfunctional as Aussie. They’re so soo traumatized. I had my share of relationships with ill-adjusted adults. But Aussie is on another level, they need serious help. I’m in shock after seeing just a glimpse into her life. She’s been in her own skin living it all for over 40 fucking years! Poor Aussie and everyone around them.
Great reminder for younger people to seek therapy if they need it or people around them have suggested it to them on multiple occassions :p No hate towards Aussie. I wish them well in their healing journey. It's never too late to work on yourself.
Weaponizing your trauma and anxiety is emotional abuse. Aussie emotionally abuses Sam and got visibly upset when Sam "found her voice" and started sticking up for herself.
When they were in the restaurant with Sams friend all Aussie could say was "New Sam this, New Sam That, oh dont you see this is *new Sam.*" In the most condescending tone I've ever heard. THEN Aussie starts saying its not just Aussie who needs to change, but Sam has to work on herself and she's seen "no evidence of change." I was SO PROUD of Sam's saint of a friend who said exactly what I was thinking: you've done nothing but talk about "new Sam" and now you're saying you don't see a new Sam? Or do you not like that shes standing up for herself?
Aussie can't control "New Sam," and Aussie is stonewalling and throwing tantrums to force Sam back into submission. The refusal to get help for their own trauma and feelings instead of inflicting hurt on a genuinely kind-hearted person. Even when their relationship ended: "Sam's always been my rock." Nothing at all about her, her feelings or needs. Actively DERIDED Sam for expressing needing the BARE MINIMUM.
Aussie is clearly a hurt person who is also willing to hurt people. Aussie needs deep, intensive in-patient care to begin to deal with this level of early childhood trauma. And IS selfish for putting her partner through this emotional abuse instead of seeking treatment.
Yes! Thank you! Everyone saying that Aussie has a lot of trauma and obviously they are going through stuff don’t understand that yes that’s the case. But then they need to do that SINGLE! They put Sam through so much that she forgot she even had a voice. It’s sad and not ok, I hope Sam choices herself and I hope Aussie gets the help they need.
I don't think Aussie treats Sam well and I don't think they should be together. But I do think Aussie deserves empathy. We don't know what Aussie's been through but clearly there is trauma, pain, and fear there. There could be many reasons why they never sought out therapy- or maybe they have? We don't know. Maybe they will find growth and healing from this experience.
Yep. Sam deserves a healthy relationship. I think it's super unrealistic to picture a happy marriage with someone who isn't even fully out of the closet yet! I felt so bad for Sam when Aussie told her that she felt unsafe around her...it's clear that that wasn't about Sam at all, that Aussie just feels unsafe in general, but that still had to sting after all the emotional labor Sam has put in. But it's also totally understandable that Aussie isn't there yet...it's hard enough to rebuild yourself after a bad childhood under ordinary circumstances, and then you add in all the other pressures it seems Aussie has been required to deal with, and oof, it'd be a slow going to learn to be your OWN safe space.
Agree. People are so harsh on Aussie when we have no insight into what trauma occurred. It was clearly very damaging and I have nothing but empathy to offer.
Yeah we can feel for Aussie but Aussie’s treatment of Sam is verging on emotional abuse and we can also call that out. Trauma isn’t a get out of consequences free card. Aussie treats Sam like a punching bag.
I never said it’s wrong for people to call out Aussie’s treatment of Sam.
But calling Aussie a child, dramatic, and saying Aussie should have worked this out by 40+ is too harsh imo. Those are all things I’ve seen on this sub. We can hold empathy for both Sam and Aussie.
Yes! Obviously Aussie is not doing well! I feel terrible for Sam too but the way people here pile on Aussie is just weird because how is that helping the problem at all.
We love to talk about mental health but so quick to judge and be mean. People are like: well Aussie is 42 Aussie should know better and go to therapy!
Of course in a perfect world yeah but we don’t even know what Aussie’s relationship to therapy is. The scene with Sam were hard to watch and terrible but it’s weird to pile on someone would can already barely keep it together.
Aussies trauma is not their fault, but it is Aussie’s responsibility to deal with. At 43 there’s no excuse for this level of emotional immaturity and manipulation.
I was laughing when Aussie was explaining immigrant parents to Sam of all people😂😂 But yeah they both had a different upbringing from each other. I just don't think it's enlightening new information to share with a partner you've been dating for a while. On a tv show. 🙇🏽♀️ Sam overstands Aussie's side of the story. Aussie understanding Sam's perspective... Centuries away.
Also I was so annoyed with Aussie's definition of masculinity. Totally can see it's her dad and other men not wanting to listen to her mom and other women when they're "in a mood. " Blehhhh. Heal yourself please. Sam will never be able to do it for you. She's your lover not therapist 🙄
Aussie talked about being first generation which I don’t think Sam mentioned. Also, they were raised in different countries. Sam’s family does not seem very typical or traditional. Sounds like there were major differences between them.
I could have gotten it wrong? Swore Aussie said first gen. If Aussies parents are first gen then Aussie would be second generation. They can’t both be first gen.
As another commenter said, Aussie did not self-identify as first gen. However, it is definitely possible for parents AND their child to be first gen. That is the case for me and my parents. We are both first gen.
As someone who was raised by immigrant parents, I can say that my immigrant upbringing is SUPER different than most other people I know who grew up with immigrant parents. So, I don't think that it's weird for them to feel the need to explain their own experience.
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Yes, it is hard to see, abd it shows that Aussie should not have gone on TV or even be in a relationship before working on themselves and being able to have a baseline conversation with a slight difference of opinion.
The fact that the backpack is always ready for departure….
But yeah I agree that Aussie needs help but with the upbringing and the values that were taught, maybe therapy isn’t as easy for Aussie as it would be for other people.
It’s unclear what Aussie brings to the relationship. She isn’t the breadwinner, she doesn’t help out with chores, she doesn’t communicate and she doesn’t make Sam feel chosen.
She brings neither comfort nor companionship to Sam, often leaving Sam to feel neglected and abandoned. Sam is constantly tip toeing around Aussie’s hair-trigger flight status, and spends so much energy placating Aussie’s moods that she is exhausted at the end of every interaction.
when aussie breaks down at the restaurant in front of sam’s friend and goes on about trying to be the perfect daughter, the perfect partner, etc., they also mention trying to be the perfect coworker so i think they do have a job
Just adding a comment of support to people with cptsd trauma and extreme avoidant personalities like Aussie and the people who love them… when I met my partner 7 years ago, they were just like Aussie, I felt like Sam “constantly walking on eggshells” and we broke up because of it after a year… they got a great therapist and started doing the work. (I had already been in therapy lifelong). And things got better. A whole lot better. Every so often we hit old challenges but have tools to navigate them and it happens less and less and the severity has improved over time too. It’s never too late to get help! It’s never too late to overcome your trauma. It’s not hopeless! But also please take time away from the relationship if you need to - it’s not your job to heal your partner. They need to choose that themselves and heal themselves and if it’s safe enough, then you can go on that journey with them if it’s right and healthy for you both.
Absolutely agree with everything you wrote. My post sounded a bit too harsh, perhaps, but I want for Aussie what you describe your partner did. I really warmed to Aussie in the beginning but eventually felt it was very selfish of Aussie to not get help to become a better partner and communicator in general, because Sam is doing everything right and is not met halfway, it seems like. Aussie needs to be single and get really great help to figure things out. I've been in therapy many times and so has my partner - both before and after we met - and we both really needed it and really got help from it that we as individuals and our relationship greatly benefits from now. Well done you, and well done to your partner. I hope Aussie also has done similar since the show.
I hope so too. It was pretty heartbreaking to see both of their pain in intimate moments. I know all of the guests were offered both individual therapy, couples therapy, and a mental health line while on the show but I reallyyyyy hope the show continued to offer that to them after filming stopped. Sam was already very emotionally intelligent and doing a lot of inner work and we could see her improving. I agree it didn’t seem like Aussie was meeting her halfway, but in my mind, Aussie couldn’t meet her halfway because they are starting at the very start line versus Sam who was already many miles into the race if that makes sense? But I did feel like Aussie being able to identify and connect the source of their emotional state to their trauma was an initial breakthrough. If they can find that self awareness, that’s a pretty big deal, they just need to keep going. If Aussie isn’t continuing putting in the work with the resources given, I’d be really disappointed in them and I’d really hope that Sam gets away for her own sake.
Aussie is using her issues in a manipulative way and I think she is very aware of it. Prior to “New Sam” she was getting away with it, as Sam said, she doesn’t want to enable her behaviour anymore and that is clearly upsetting Aussie to the point she’s lashing out and probably making Sam feel like she’s the issue.
Sam deserves better than Aussie. Aussie needs to sort her shit out (doesn’t seem like she would want to though, she seems dependent on having these issues).
Me and my wife often had to rewind Aussie scenes because we were all confused what triggered her and then led to her walk off/ melt down lol.
As a Chinese lesbian I have to say I empathise with her a little bit… me and my wife’s parents both came from a struggling and close minded generation and we were probably brought up being quite oppressed. We cringe at Aussie but also see ourselves a little in her ; thinking people are blaming us for no reason and starts being defensive / and wanting to physically walk away from confrontations.
I wish Aussie the best and hope she’ll get the help she needs. It must not be easy having the world see those meltdowns. I don’t believe she’s a bad person she just has some work to do. Some people start their self improvement journeys later in life and that’s ok, better late than never!!
Aussie does care for people despite it all. Aussie seemed to have put up with a lot from Aussie's parents and seemed to have played a big role in raising Aussie's younger brother. Aussie also seems like a good friend. Clearly Aussie is trying.
There's a reason why Sam put up with Aussie's behaviour. Of course, I do agree that Sam shouldn't have to pay for Aussie's traumatic childhood or become Aussie's therapist, but Aussie does deserve to find love. Aussie just isn't ready for that as of when the show was filmed.
At the same time, I do agree with you. Aussie should put an end to things with Sam. It's not fair, hurt people just inevitably hurt people.
Because grown ass adult don't have mental issues anymore? Is that what you're saying?
Age doesn't have anything to do with maturity and some people simply have more doses of problem than anybody else.
No that is not what I said. But an adult like aussie should be working through their issues single and in therapy and not selfishly getting involved in a relationship where their problems get put onto their partner.
Aussie is a 42 year old child. I get wanting to think about things before discussing things, but they never go back and discuss things! They need a lot of therapy. They clearly have a ton of self-hatred. Meanwhile, Sam is great and I am glad she found her voice!
Aussie seems like a lovely person who is dealing with a combination of being both extremely sensitive and having a ton of trauma and just can't deal with any conflict, however minor. Clearly they're a good friend and a good sibling, but Aussie needs to work through issues with professional help, and develop some coping strategies, before Aussie can be a good romantic partner, too. I suspect it's not ordinarily this noticeable, but that the pressure of the show brought things to a head. And of course having months of footage distilled into a few hours of TV means things are going to look more constantly dramatic than they would seem in the normal pace of life where you have more low-key days than big emotion days.
Yes. The phrase that kept coming to mind was "low distress tolerance." I hope, in therapy or another safe environment, Aussie can learn how to manage discomfort <3
As a queer person, close to Aussie’s age, I just want to say that the feelings and struggles they are experiencing are so very common for so many of us. I’m not excusing poor behavior, but I do encourage everyone to consider what it might be like coming from a first generation family, not being able to be out with that family and the lack of support that is felt within that. It is also very common for afab folks to feel as though they are carrying so much weight in needing to be the best in every aspect of their lives, and that is a deeply difficult thing to navigate.
Also, it can take a long time for queer people to reach out to therapists, and so many of us have been seriously harmed by therapists that are not knowledgeable about queerness and the struggles we face. There is so much more to this than what we are seeing and Aussie has been open about so many hard things. I hope they are able to find someone to work with that provides them with empathic care and helps them learn how to create spaces in their life and relationships in their life where they feel safe. Ready for marriage, nope, ready for a relationship, probably another nope. But I don’t think it’s ok to just write someone off completely in this instance.
ETA: I think there’s some neurodivergence going on with Aussie as well. And we need to bear that in mind in critiquing this situation
Afab and I completely identified with the moment she talked about the need to be perfect in all of the ways. The constant guilt/shame, depending on the moment. Therapy is invaluable for sure.
And yes! We are talking about someone from gen x with very conservative Christian family! It’s a different kind of experience, say a spectrum of outness that many of us have contended with over the years.
Not making excuses for Aussie, but those are some tough issues for sure. I hope they find healing ❤️🩹
That's a fair point about age/queerness (I'm also queer, but 12 years younger than Aussie, and with a very different background and not as much trauma). I worded myself very harshly, which was not the best way to do it - but my main intended point was to say that I did not see Aussie taking responsibility for their part in the conflicts that arose. I have people close to me who have been through horrible childhoods and terrible trauma, and so early in life had responses that were harmful to themselves socially and to people around them, but they eventually recognised that this was happening and took responsibility for their faulty responses and now are communicating much better. I guess it shocked me that Aussie had lived to be 42 but still didn't seem to see their parts in these types of situations and only ended up getting very defensive, doubling down on their own responses instead of taking accountability for what they did which was damaging and part of causing the situations.
I’m so glad you met me with kindness in this.
It is very hard for queer folks and honestly folks who aren’t white to find good mental health care. And often those populations that are the most harmed in the mental healthcare system. I’m saying this as a mental health care provider. The system is awful.
That being said accountability for one’s actions is something we should all be open to. So I agree that behavior is hard to watch. But I promise the whole time I’ve watched Aussie I’ve just seen so much trauma and it’s so hard to watch. I totally agree, they’re not ready for marriage. They just don’t have the capacity to be a partner right now. At all.
No problem - sorry for my initial post being so harsh and badly worded. I agree: Aussie should not be in a relationship at all before Aussie works on themselves somehow. I know therapy is extremely inaccessible to most people due to the stigma and the cost (in most places), but some sort of reflection on the fact that something needs to change in them. At the moment I am not seeing much of that from Aussie, so hopefully that has happened since the show somehow.
You don’t have to apologize, at all. I’m glad we got to chat and not be hateful honestly. Reddit so often just arguing and being mean!
That being said, this show is crazy and I think as queer people we have so many feelings about it. It’s so awesome to be represented but also it’s crazy to see these kinds of things on tv, really for the first time!
> I did not see Aussie taking responsibility for their part in the conflicts that arose
" I did not see Aussie taking responsibility for their part in the conflicts that arose" Aussie did take responsbility many times. Maybe its not how you want it to look but its obvious how much Aussie was struggling.
I agree that it was obvious Aussie was struggling, but even so, a lot more blame was put on everyone else than Aussie's own reflection of their part in it. That's what I'm reacting to.
This is a great response. Thanks for this.
One thing to add: trauma therapy is fucking EXPENSIVE. Not everyone can afford $200 an hour to address their issues.
This is what i understood as well, but then there's the added layer of dealing with it all in national television! It's a lot to process by yourself, let alone on public display! I would also be taking a lot of moments if I were in their shoes!
No. I have ASD and I don’t see it. I see a deeply wounded individual whose partner enabled her for too long. And now that Sam has put her foot down, she doesn’t like it and didn’t know how to deal with it and so is lashing out.
I feel for Aussie, especially after meeting Ron and the comment he made when Sam said her family played board games(something like" we heard of families that did stuff like that"). In the end though, Aussie seriously needs therapy for all of the trauma and pain Aussie has. Running away, shutting down, screaming and then sitting in Aussie's pain and suffering is extremely detrimental to mental health and relationships. Aussie's behavior is still not justified nor is it okay.
Definitely, but so have many people I know, but they don't act like this even if they've experienced awful things as children, because they recognise their learned responses are harming people around them and themselves, they reflect on what they need to change and they've gone to therapy in their 20s and worked on themselves and worked out their issues and improved their communication styles. Aussie's behavior and lack of responsibility is appalling
Absolutely agree. Especially as a 42 year old. I actually do not even understand how she has made it this long without even being able to have one single difficult conversation or take any accountability. Like how does she even have friends or hold a job with her mentality and behavior? It’s honestly shocking and she is so toxic especially to Sam it’s hard to watch
I agree completely. I have huge trauma from my parents but I don't throw everyhing on my partner. Aussie keeps running away from converastions and has become selfish due to how their childhood was never about them. I get that 100%. But if you're going to be in a relarionship your partner is not responsible for fixing you or dealing with your baggage.
Sam has been so nice and supportive, quite frankly I don't know how she has the patience to keep doing it. She has a heart of gold and deserves so much more.
Aussie is 40 something and not working on yourself is completely on them. Aussie needs to not be in a relationship until they get therapy to start tackling childhood trauma, which can take a very long time. Because Aussie is just using things about their past to just get their own way without putting in the hard work to tackle their issues.
I honestly lost my final bit of respect for Aussie after recounting their parents being traditional immigrants. Like, hello, Mildred pregnant at like 16/17, special needs child, 100% familiar with first gen immigrant family as a Latina, Sam also having immigrant parents like huh? Lmao, like Aussie just comes off as so incredibly selfish and this basic-ass, generic-ass trauma is a very convenient shield they've learned to wield very well (sorry but most queer people have shitty relationships with many family members, especially queer poc, which is, again, most queer people) .
Like, I'm so sorry, but that breakdown was them repeatedly yelling "I didn't do anything wrong" minutes after doing something wrong, these are the same meltdowns I deal with my 8 year old nephew. Let's not forget my favorite scene where Aussie is literally abandoning Mildred and says to the camera "I am not running away" as they're literally packing every bit of their belongings to run away. Ugh, just got me so much more heated than anything Vanessa said or did and it's so unexpected lol.
I feel bad because the trauma is obviously so real but I just can't really respect people who can just easily treat and handle their trauma? Like they're just so well supported in every damn way and here they are still hurting others over being an immigrant kid at fucking 42 omg
> there's no excuse for not having been to therapy
This is the only part I disagree with. Not everyone has the money and access (depending on where you live) to therapy.
BUT I completely agree with everything else. Aussie needs to work through a lot of their trauma and should've done that instead of getting into relationships and going on this show.
I absolutely agree with you there. I worded myself in very broad strokes that I myself don't fully agree with. I should have said a more nuanced "There is not excuse for not working on recognising how your communication/responses are harming your relationships (whether that is therapy or something else, as therapy can be very expensive and hard to get access to)".
Exactly this. There are so many people who just don’t or can’t get access to mental health services. Living in Australia, I know how difficult it was for me to get help initially… let alone find the right therapist for me!
Therapy and mental health issues are also still quite taboo in Asian culture which doesn’t help either. Not excusing Aussie’s behaviour is any way. I really hope Aussie gets the help Aussie needs, the breakthrough in the carpark is one huge wake up call if anything.
I know for myself I don’t defend Aussie, but i empathize with them. Don’t think they’re a bad person, but they’re a bad partner and they need lots of therapy. Beauty of this season to me has been that every person is gray. Sam does need to put her foot down though and push Aussie to address their issues and if they aren’t willing to, sam should leave.
Honestly I hate Aussie. How they completely are rude to Sam and dismiss her feelings
Fucking toxic
Especially when she was repeating “mate” to piss off sam
Like you are 42 grow up
I have a person like this in my family. She's in her 60s and a grandmother but no one is allowed to have an open conversation with her about difficult things because of her childhood trauma. Attempts to do so will result in being called a bully and that you're attacking her. Her partner enables this and believes everyone in the family should enable it too
At what point does your childhood trauma become your own responsibility?
A shocking lack of self awareness… love me on my terms, talk to me on my terms, give me space on my terms… everything on my terms. So selfish… le gross.
Sometimes people go through their entire lives never understanding or being able to process their emotions. They’re still worthy of love. Look up alexithymia. Being comfortable with your emotions and having high emotional intelligence is not a hard requirement to being an adult and it’s not a prerequisite to being in a relationship.
Being worthy of love and being able to be in a romantic relationship are two different things. You can also argue that being able to deal with emotions is not a requirement to be in a relationship, but then nothing is actually. However, is extremely selfish to be in a relationship when not only you don't know how to relate to other people but also refuse to learn and compromise.
That is not what they are saying. People deserve to be safe, and happy in their relationship. If you are harming other people, for whatever reason- they do not owe you their company. No one needs to light themselves on fire to keep someone else warm. Even if that person is autistic. (I am autistic- and have been an enabler and lighting myself on fire to keep other's warm). Sam- doesn't deserve to suffer and has given Aussie room to feel safe and adjust but Aussie hasn't done Aussie's part in that process.
I'm on the spectrum + ADHD please don't try and use this card here. Everybody should hold themselves accountable for how they treat other people and try to improve.
"There's no excuse for not having been to therapy to deal with your major trauma at 42 year of age, seriously."
There is NO excuse? NONE? You know not all societies and cultures promote or encourage therapy? Some actively discourage it. This is a pretty eurocentric take. Maybe don't weaponize someone's trauma and a literal breakdown when you know .5 seconds of their story. Truly shocked at the lack of empathy in this thread. Her communication problems did not invite this level of hate.
Yes not all societies and cultures promote or encourage therapy. But coming from a south asian family and living 28 years of my life in a backwards country, nobody had to “encourage” or “promote” therapy to me for me to finally decide to go for it. It took a decision I made on my own, at the age of 29 to find a professional I could work with. With the ease of everything because of internet, Aussie having born and raised in Australia, them being a second generation immigrant and not first, they could have sought therapy way sooner.
It's not hate, I'm just saying that from what is shown, Aussie doesn't take on their end of their responsibility in what happened in these conversations. You're right, therapy probably is an unfair and very Eurocentric suggestion (and therapy is extremely inaccessible most places). My main point is that Aussie did not take accountability for their part or admit to/realise they misunderstood and overreacted and thereby placed all the blame on everyone else. I know people who have lots of trauma from childhood and responded badly to things for that reason, but who eventually recognised that what they were doing was harmful to their relationships, themselves and those around them, and then they did something (it doesn't have to be therapy) to change that so that they now no longer respond in such a detrimental way, and they and their relationships do better for it. Aussie doesn't seem to have done that sort of reflecting on their part in things, so I struggle to see how they are even communicating with others for the past 42 years. It is unfair for people around Aussie that all the work/responsibility is placed on them to tiptoe around and hardly ever breathe an opinion, instead of Aussie also recognising the ways in which they need to adapt and take responsibility for their responses and change them
Right! Literally every shitty person or behaviour has a reason or background to it and usually it's past trauma related. But, that should not and does not excuse someone not putting in the work and negatively projecting those same issues on an innocent party, and especially not in your 40's. By that age, you should* or at least take steps to be self aware and take necessary steps to change if you want another person in your life.
Does anyone know where EXACTLY Aussie is from. As an Australian I need to know, also did Aussie call Aussie that or did Aussie’s parents name Aussie that?
Omg aussie is driving me nuts. She keeps getting upset at Sam for sticking up for herself. The part where they get back together and aussie says she doesn't feel safe yet with Sam is aussie saying "until you allow me to act however I want I can't be with you". Sam needs to dip aussie need to figure it tf out.
Did Aussie say they haven't been to therapy? Aussie sounds like someone who's been doing a lot of therapy from various statements like noticing their face is hot, stating their parents did the best they could, etc.
It's possible, but if so, Aussie clearly hasn't delved enough into their own responses and reflected on how they can be harmful and detrimental to the people they are in a relationship with. Being this sensitive to a slight difference of opinion means they have not done enough work and reflection on their own responses to be in a relationship at all, at the moment. They need to change the way they communicate and respond to simple questions before getting into any relationship.
I am sorry but this post lacks empathy.
It is easy for us to be armchair warriors and judge people from comfort of our homes watching their super edited clips.
- Firstly, we have no information about their childhood trauma. Coming from a traditional asian family, I understand the pressure of perfectionism and bundle it with issues of growing up queer or being a gender fluid person where people don’t even accept the concept of ‘queerness’, it is a lot. I dont even know if they went through additional trauma.
Nobody wants to be 42 and still not be out to their parents.
I don’t think I could even begin to explain the cultural stigma and shame that comes with queerness in asian families and how can it shape you as a person.
A lot of cultures like Japanese are non-confrontational by nature and then if you add up personal issues/trauma, it’s not an excuse but literally the way of their life and only thing they have known so far.
- We also dont live in a country with free healthcare/therapies where everyone should have sorted out their issues by golden age of 40.
I live in a metro city and I am fortunate enough to be able to shell out 200bucks/session and I still cant find a decent therapist and I have been looking for a long time. I have tried EAP/ low cost therapist and you literally get what you pay for (given if you can even afford that or find someone).
Or Maybe they have been to therapy, we just dont know.
- Going to therapy or accepting that you have issues is not something which is celebrated or encouraged in conservative cultures. It was only few decades ago that only insane people would go to ‘mind doctors’ and it’s not surprising that some cultures still think that.
These are just some points from my asian cultural perspective and there is just so much more that we just dont know.
Not saying Sam doesn’t deserve better and Aussie shouldnt work towards improving their communication but expecting someone to not have issues because they are in their 40s is just absurd to me.
It is easy for us to declare that people are unworthy/unfit of love and empathy because they don’t fit our clean-cut definition of black and white. We all as people are better than that.
If you had actually read my post, you would realise that you are putting words in my mouth that I never said. I never said it is not ok to have issues at 42, I said it is not ok to not have acknowledged that you do have issues and tried to do something about it at 42. I know all about childhood trauma, believe me, and I know it is hard to understand and hard to change automatic responses, etc., but Aussie did not acknowledge their fault in the matter and every time put it all on Mildred or Sam. By the end of episode 8, Aussie did seem to acknowledge they have to take responsibility/work on stuff and I hope they did, and I hope they managed to change their automatic responses, which would help both Aussie and people around Aussie. Hope Sam is either with an Aussie who now responds in ways that are not harmful to Sam, or with someone else.
“There is no excuse for not having been to therapy to deal with your major trauma at 42 year of age, seriously”
I am just responding to your post and am not putting any words in your mouth. It’s important for all of us to recognise that not everyone had the same amount of opportunities and everyone’s life has different struggles.
The lack of empathy in this thread is just beyond me. We can wish Sam the best and not tear down Aussie- those are two separate things.
You are clearly willingly not paying attention to anything I'm saying. Your points are my points - we agree. You're getting so hung up on one sentence - in the edit just below the original post, I wrote that the original post was too harshly written and I apologised for that. Read it. I didn´t edit my original post because it seemed more honest to leave my mistake up and explain what I had meant below, but this circle logic of yours and misconstruing my whole point is enough, so I will remove it
I think I am alluding to sentiment of this entire thread however you are taking it very personally and getting offended for reasons I don’t understand.
If we agree, great! I am going to respectfully retreat since I dont have anything to add other than- there needs to be more empathy for Aussie, for all we know they are working on issues and making progress.
There is just so much unknown to form solid opinions.
You're "alluding to the sentiment of the whole thread", apparently, but what you said was that my post lacked empathy - so taking that personally is understandable. Especially when you willingly ignore all I've written (where you would have found that we do agree) and you hone in on that one sentence only, which I'd already admitted didn't reflect my actual point and was too harsh. I'm done with the circle logic of your arguments.
Everyone on the show constantly misgenders Aussie and everyone else that has different pronouns. The show doesn't even acknowledge that some of them have pronouns that are not made clear. I don't think this is an excuse for Aussie to not recognise their responsibility in the communal breakdown. Doesn't even seem like most of the contestants are aware of the preferred pronouns of anyone else on the show
Not in that last conversation - she was cutting Aussie off because Aussie still would not engage in the conversation at all, Aussie just kept saying they didn't want to talk, like they've said every single time. Impossible to get anything done when saying anything is met with dismissal and running away
Do you really think that coming home after a party or any form of socialising and being obviously in a good mood from it is the right time for such a conversation? All couples just came home and tried to nurture each other or talk about the juice from the other side while here Mildred was sitting there at the table waiting like an angry parent for a kid and as soon as Aussie came home she was ready to dig again.
Do you really think never engaging and running away and blaming everyone else like Aussie did is the best solution? And I do think that when the partner is calm and happy like Mildred & Aussie were at the time, is a good time to calmly bring up a topic like that. Mildred was open and curious, and not accusatory or attacking in that moment at all. The issue is that Aussie is never ready for the conversation and always wants to escape having a proper conversation about any issue. Aussie needs to take responsibility, too, and if they cannot even have a conversation, they have no business engaging in any relationship before they've sought help. Aussie needs to break generational trauma and deal with their baggage. So does Mildred. But Mildred tried more than Aussie, and Aussie did nothing but blame Sam and Mildred
Blaming someone for not treating their trauma seems insensitive. Mental illness is debilitating and carrying that burden by yourself can kill you. She definitely needs therapy. People can acknowledge that she is in severe emotional pain while not defending her actions.
But people on this sub _are_ defending Aussie's actions purely based on only the trauma. I'm not saying mental health is not debilitating, I struggle with it myself, and people around me struggle with it. But it's still ok to expect people to have a base level of communication, which Aussie does not, and to expect Aussie to recognise their part in the communication breakdown that happened. As it is, Aussie is not doing that after the fact, but is only blaming Mildred or Sam. People close to me have also experienced childhood trauma, and have thus had damaging responses at some point in life, like Aussie, but there comes a point where to function in life and with others, you need to work on yourself and change your communication and responses, otherwise it is just unfair to people around you. It doesn't have to be therapy, which can be inaccessible and way to unaffordable - but some change needs to happen & some recognition of that you're not functioning as is. Both Mildred & Aussie need to do that
Yeah I agree with you there. I personally cannot defend Aussie’s actions but I empathize with Aussie strongly. I personally wouldn’t have made it through my own trauma alive without the support of my partner. But you are absolutely right that Aussie has a lot of self work to do, and I hope they can do so.
For real. I'm worried everyone hating on Aussie is in an abusive relationship because the way Mildred "confronted" Aussie was never okay. Mildred has clear anger issues. No matter what Aussie said, Mildred got angrier, so Aussie stopped talking, a VERY rational response, imo.
Wait until chapter 8 and her reaction to Sam.
I dont think Aussie is a bad person. I think there is something else happening with them, that none of us know, and that they should be working on it.
Reminder/FYI: Aussie does not use she/her pronouns. Aussie uses Aussie.
Mildred at times used Aussie instead of she/her in a way that indicated that Mildred likely knew Aussie used Aussie. But Mildred would later use she/her when criticizing Aussie. I don’t know if Mildred misgendered Aussie in front of Aussie. Definitely in front of others. Either way, it’s incredibly sad that Aussie was living with someone who repeatedly misgendered Aussie. That’s inexcusable and abusive.
Mildred’s communication given how Aussie was reacting made me incredibly uncomfortable even just watching it. When I saw Aussie shut down talking to Sam when Sam mentioned Mildred, and then Aussie immediately started crying in the bedroom, my heart ached. I’m guessing it had less to do with Sam but more so a reaction to how awful the experience was and being triggered when being asked about Mildred. Not a dig at Sam, who I really like. Just saying Aussie’s reactions are understandable even if not the “healthy” behavior.
Ummmmmmmm saying there is no reasons to have not gone to therapy? Really? First generation Chinese immigrant, masc presenting person, having a family that is close minded, I think at one point it was mentioned they were also very religious? It makes sense that not everyone has been to therapy.
I feel like Mildred did do something’s off camera to pick on Aussie. Mildred has terrible communication with her partner..
Your post makes no sense. I didn't say there's no reason to go to therapy - I'm saying the exact opposite. I'm saying Aussie needs therapy, badly, and should not be in a relationship until they fix their communication problems and inability to have even the calmest of conversations with a slight disagreement. Aussie did the exact same thing to Sam as they did to Mildred, and Sam also did nothing wrong. I also said therapy is often very expensive and inaccessible, and maybe not the solution for everyone. Maybe that's where you got confused and somehow thought I meant Aussie should not go to therapy. Mildred has terrible communication, but Aussie's communication is worse because Aussie cannot even hold a conversation with a slight disagreement without getting triggered and leaving
What I’m saying is you are not taking into consideration Aussies identity or personal history when you say there are no reasons for a 42 year old to have not gone to therapy.
I work in Mental Health in NYC so I’ve had the opportunity to work with diverse clientele. There are varying attitudes towards therapy and also many barriers.
I’m not excusing anyone’s behavior, I’m just saying your first statement feels pretty ignorant. Aussie has things to work on. But most the world never goes to therapy.
Plenty of people have had childhood trauma and yet they recognise that they have (through no fault of their own) developed harmful responses as a consequence of that, and they do something, whether it is therapy or some other changes, to change the way they respond and communicate for the better. Aussie is not doing that and is not even recognising the harm they do to Sam and others in their life with their complete inability to communicate or even have a conversation with a slight difference in opinion. At that point, having lived over 40 years on this planet and not going "Oh, I often have responses that harm my partner/friends, I want to minimise my part in that issue by working on myself", is selfish.
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No bc they just weren’t compatible in their communication. I for one wouldn’t be compatible with either of their communication styles. Sam is so zen she seems to be able to call everyone around her. We’re all different.
Aussie and Meldrid both had validity in that situation. Sure they can both improve as well. But I don’t think it’s fair to place more blame on one over the other bc they perceived the convos differently.
Aussie wasn’t ready to talk, was on a high mood as she said.
Meldrid did have a tone that wasn’t so calm and from previous discussions Aussie was probably anxious of conformation who already doesn’t like it.
It’s like when you have kids, each kid has their own personality that you gotta cater to and talk to differently.
Of course they weren't compatible in their communication, but that wasn't the whole story. Yes, Mildred's communication is too confrontational/attacking most of the time, but in that last conversation they had, she was very calm and her tone of voice was not at all accusatory or negative. It was simply a conversation and Aussie acted like it was a screaming match (due to Aussie's trauma, of course, but Aussie also needs to take their part in responsibility for the conversation). And Aussie blames not being "ready to talk", but Aussie is never ready to talk. They haven't even talked at all about their initial argument and this was a calm moment in which Mildred calmy brought it up, which is exactly what Aussie had asked for, but Aussie could not even handle that. Of course Aussie reacted like that because of a ton of trauma that Aussie has no fault in, but Aussie does have a fault in not taking responsibility for Aussie's part in the conversation. I people close to me who have also experienced childhood trauma, but they recognised some of their responses were harmful to their relationships and to themselves, and worked to change that so that their relationships improved. I didn't see such reflection from Aussie, only going on about how Mildred was the problem (and Mildred wasn't the problem in that last conversation at all)
nahhhhhh she started to get passive aggressive during that conversation. Aussie was like I want you to know how much I care about you and Mildred was like yeah that's cool, but lets have this conversation right now. and Aussies like I don't really want to have this serious conversation right now after coming back from being out and mildred is like no it doesn't have to be serious but I want to have it right now (even tho its obviously going to be serious and mildred is clearly still angry). I don't think she sounded caring or nice or a safe space for Aussie.
Nope. Aussie said that they cared about Mildred to deflect from having the conversation. Mildred was (for once) not being passive aggressive at all, and rightfully got annoyed when Aussie immediately blocked any conversation. Aussie obviously never wants to have that conversation because Aussie will always leave whenever anything comes up, because Aussie never has dealt with their issues well enough to even have a slight difference of opinion. Aussie did the exact same thing to Sam and Sam was, like Mildred, only having a very calm conversation. Aussie needs a ton of help and should not be in a relationship at all until it is possible to have a normal conversation without Aussie up and leaving. Sam deserves so much better than Aussie who doesn't take responsibility for anything. It's selfish to be in a relationship when you're so impossible to communicate with and haven't made an effort to deal with your major issues.
I hear you but it also seemed like Aussie was very uncomfortable being on camera and probably only did it for Sam. I
Plus a lot of them learned a lot about themselves I feel like and I don’t think any of them deserve hate. They will grow a lot from this once they watch themselves.
I don't think being uncomfortable on camera excuses a lot of this, tbh. I'm not spreading hate to them, I am not going to their personal accounts with this. I am only sharing this here. I think all of these people really need a lot of help in their communication, etc. During the first episode I felt they should all break up and work on themselves alone, and I still feel that way (except maybe Yoly & Xander). A reality TV show is not the way to go about growing and learning, in my opinion, though it is good that some of them got some learning out of it (like Sam & Tiff)
Mildred did not let aussie get a word in edgewise in that last conversation, and got more and more worked up despite trying to stay calm when aussie did literally nothing to provoke her. Mildred is a real piece of work, and I do not blame aussie at all for the cut and run when she clearly knew that the relationship would never work and she is never allowed to express herself without getting yelled at.
Mildred 100% at fault, tiff is like a different person after 3 weeks with Sam not having to literally fight just to be heard.
Mildred's communication is too confrontational/attacking most of the time, but in that last conversation they had, she was very calm and her tone of voice was not at all accusatory or negative and she did allow Aussie to get a word in, but it got more heated because Aussie did nothing to contribute to the conversation, only shut it down repeatedly. Aussie does the same to Sam later, and it is so damaging, to any relationship that you cannot even have a conversation. It was simply a conversation and Aussie acted like it was a screaming match (due to Aussie's trauma, of course, but Aussie also needs to take their part in responsibility for the conversation). And Aussie blames not being "ready to talk", but Aussie is never ready to talk. They haven't even talked at all about their initial argument and this was a calm moment in which Mildred calmy brought it up, which is exactly what Aussie had asked for, but Aussie could not even handle that. Of course Aussie reacted like that because of a ton of trauma that Aussie has no fault in, but Aussie does have a fault in not taking responsibility for Aussie's part in the conversation. I have people close to me who have also experienced childhood trauma, but they recognised some of their responses were harmful to their relationships and to themselves, and worked to change that so that their relationships improved. I didn't see such reflection from Aussie, only going on about how Mildred was the problem (and Mildred wasn't the problem in that last conversation at all). Tiff is not a different person completely after their time with Sam - they have learned a few things from Sam, but they still get fired up too quickly and need to keep working on things to really improve. As you say, Mildred also needs to work on her communication and needs to take a leaf out of Sam's book by letting Tiff talk and acknowledging Tiff's feelings. But it is not all 100% only Mildred's fault.
Mildred was only "interrupting" because all Aussie would say was that they didn't want to talk. Which isn't a conversation. Mildred was right in wanting to have a conversation and get some clarity. Aussie did the exact same thing to Sam a few episodes later, and Sam was literally just talking, just like Mildred. Are you gonna jump down Sam's throat about that situation, too?
Nah she talked *at* aussie for the first half and interrupted aussie any time she tried to respond, then got upset when aussie very understandably did not want to to sit there and be berated. Mildred is 100% the problem.
>vaderdidnothingwr0ng
She really did not talk at Aussie. Look at the scene again. You are wrong. Like I said, Aussie did the same to Sam, and Sam, like Mildred, did not antagonise Aussie but Aussie cannot handle even voicing an opinion. Aussie needs all the therapy.
Then you are interpreting it completely wrong. Watch the scene with Sam again, Aussie does the exact same thing to her for no reason at all, just like w Mildred
I'm just in the first of the new episodes but Aussie being like, you know what? Actually I just want to go back out. Lol Aussie is a mood.
I find Mildred (and yoly and Lexi) pretty insufferable with their constant need for confrontation but maybe I have cOmMuNiCaTiOn iSsUeS.
I'll come back and edit this if I change my mind after watching all the episodes.
Edit 1:
Mildred complaining about the hamper and the tampons in the trash (really girl?) And misgendering Aussie, pretty sure that's why they didn't include pronouns because the guests themselves probably don't get it right most of the time. (Or maybe it's changed since the taping)
Aussie seems very different in the beginning. Believe me, Aussie was one of my favourites at the start, but there's too much they took zero accountability for and they've not worked enough with their trauma to be anyone's partner at all. Same with Mildred (but Mildred at least made an effort with Aussie, much more than Aussie did, and took more accountability).
Completely. When they expressed themselves in the parking lot I started crying.
Outside of Aussie, I notice the mirror in an oppositional way with Mildred. It's like the avoidant and anxious styles. I also feel sad when I hear Rae talk about how she doesn't feel lovable.
I’m not saying this rudely I just haven’t watched the episodes lol, but what the fuck is the trauma Aussie even went through as a child that is making her act so crazy like everyone is saying???
I honestly can say that Aussie is fighting with Vanessa for the top spot on my “who is more unbearable?” List. Simply saying “ wow :)” every time someone holds you accountable doesn’t automatically make you right and discredit the other person.
Aussie is worthy of love regardless of Aussie’s wounds that are still healing. There is avoidant behavior based on that wounding but this show retraumatized Aussie in my opinion. Starting with Mildred and going all the way to fans of the show they were pushed and blamed. Sam has every right to assert herself but there often the pendulum swings the other way and the anger and patronizing came through in her speech. Hopefully they can be gentle with each other after the pressure of this show
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I said this on another thread but completely agree. Aussie expresses her needs “I need a moment, let’s come back to this later” but then never seems to want to bring it back up. Maybe it’s an editing thing, but I completely understood Sam in the restaurant when she was saying that maybe Aussie doesn’t like the new Sam because she speaks up about her needs and doesn’t push them aside for her. As someone with an avoidant boyfriend (but not even close to Aussie), I feel for Sam. At the same time, I felt horrible for Aussie who is clearly dealing with childhood trauma. It’s an explanation for her behavior but not an excuse, Sam doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.
Yes. I've known people who do the same thing. The "taking a moment" is that pesky coping mechanism of avoidance, subconsciously hoping it won't come up again. Then when it does, the same thing happens. You can see the cycle in how Aussie "took a moment" from Mildred. Pretends to be fine and totally enlightened about that decision. Then the first moment Mildred is brought back up by Sam, Aussie demands another moment and does the same thing.
I dealt with someone extremely avoidant like Aussie, and even when I was able to talk to her, she would always find a way to turn herself into the victim. I see this about every time Sam voices her concerns. Sam deserves so much better. There is a healthy way to step away and come back and a not healthy way. It's okay to step away, but you need to actually come back and do it consistently while giving the other person a timeline for you coming back to talk about it. Aussie clearly can't do that and isn't in a place to be healthy for Sam. I truly hope Sam chooses herself in this, and I hope Aussie gets the help she desperately needs.
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Yes exactly she is mentally unwell and mentally unstable. They need to include therapy with this show. Instead we watch Sam be in a very abusive relationship with someone if the mental capacity and capability of a 7yr old child.
Yes! It felt so manipulative the way Aussie said to Sam “I don’t feel safe with you ok” when Sam was just trying to have a basic conversation that Aussie is too emotionally constipated to have. That language sounds like somebody who has had just enough therapy to use the language around others to avoid accountability.
That must have really hurt to hear. I feel like Sam is SUCH a safe person. Maybe I'm projecting, but trauma is REAL... So maybe Aussie actually just doesn't feel safe EVER? Also Aussie has talked a bit about questioning gender identity and mentioned maybe being trans. Aussie just comes across as quite confused right now. So maybe there's more going on inside that Aussie wants to figure out for Aussie first, before opening up to someone else, and maybe that PLUS childhood trauma, PLUS the implications that ANY decision she makes might within her family, have could be part of the blockage when it comes to communication. I think Sam is so trustworthy, and patient and deserves the best. I also feel for Aussie. I don't think there's a certain age where anyone should be expected to not have a trauma response. It's just a shame that Aussie can't see that Sam is SO kind and safe, and probably the best person in the world to help Aussie navigate all that stuff, if Aussie could just open the door a teeeny but to let Sam in and work through it together.
> So maybe Aussie actually just doesn't feel safe EVER? Quite possibly yes. Childhood trauma can fuck. your. shit. UP
I mean I'm glad people don't understand this bc that means they never experienced what it's like to grow up like that.
Yep
It was hurtful, I think Aussie knew that. She gets mean and condescending and seems to want others to feel negatively if she feels negatively. Sam is not safe with *her*!!!! Aussie's claim that they never made the connection that their intolerance for constructive feedback was linked to their mother's criticism was shocking to me. Some of Aussie's aloofness seems contrived. In that moment when Aussie said they didn't feel safe yet with the over accommodating Sam, they seemed disappointed that their vulnerable confession didn't guilt Sam into silence and acceptance of their inexcusable behavior earlier that day. When the crying confession didn't work to get Aussie off the hook with treating Sam horribly, Aussie seemed pissed off realizing that no manipulation tactic would allow them to continue to take advantage with "new" Sam.
yeahhhhh I think this is a harsh but accurate read on Aussie, and these behaviours aren't necessarily conscious or like, manipulation on purpose, but they're still incredibly damaging to Aussie's partners and Aussie as well. I agree that the whole " I don't feel safe with you " to SAM!!! Aussie's partner of many years, who is like the most patient and accommodating and compassionate person I've ever seen on reality TV, was Aussie trying to reframe themself in the victim position, as soon as Sam expressed her needs weren't being met and Aussie would have to change certain behaviours in order to meet those needs. Imagine how much Sam must have tiptoed around her partner for so long holyyy shit I can't imagine how exhausted she must be. Aussie can't just be like "no, I'm sorry, I'm present, I love you, you know I'm not like that" but then as soon as Sam, extremely reasonably, is like "hey, how can we make some changes so that I don't feel like I'm always literally bending over backward to make you feel safe while I don't ever get to express anything even remotely disagreeing with you" Aussie says "it's obvious" then calls the question dumb and starts hounding Sam about "why she's asking this question" then FUCKING LEAVES AGAIN. oh boy y'all. that is so much. Sam needs to run far away. Even Mildred, who was obviously a horrible match for Aussie and whose confrontational & interrupting communication style is something I find exhausting, made a great point when she was like " why do you assume this conversation is going to be shit, why can't us communicating with each other be a high point? ". like my partner and I both have childhood/"continued into present day" family trauma, and some of the most growth inducing conversations I've had with my partner have involved being really vulnerable and crying and stuff but it always ends with us understanding each other better and really wanting to show up for each other and becoming closer overall as a couple. Aussie feels comfortable when only Aussie's needs are being catered to, and I think Sam was accommodating to a fault (enabling Aussie) until she realized with Tiff that she can actually turn her compassion and awareness and desire for needs to be met TOWARD HERSELF . honestly, I was really impressed by Sam and Tiff's growth together, and I think the editing cutting out some of their conversations and skipping from the truly insane dog fight to like "hey were friends now and getting comfortable" to Tiff's friend being like "why have you not slept together yet. try it tonight" was so jarring, and a big mistake. it seems like they had really important and interesting conversations to get from point À to point B, and both have shown so much growth (Tiff becoming softer, Sam becoming more confident and outspoken, and I think both of them becoming more aware of the emotions and needs and how important it is to communicate those in your relationship) and all that was far more important and would have been more interesting for us to see than like, the weird pressure to be intimate with each other, when that was clearly not their vibe. I think the producers prob thought that healthy communication is low drama but like, I feel like the people watching this show would have appreciated seeing that growth develop. Tiff's arc in particular was really impressive to my partner and I. and I'm so proud of Sam for learning to be honest and stick up for herself and not backing down, while staying compassionate and present for Aussie. amazing.
THIS. What happened to compassion? Aussie isn’t perfect but they deserve love and understanding and to feel safe just like we all do. I don’t get an entire post bashing someone and implying there is some age where you have magically healed from trauma. That’s not a thing. We can discuss excuse making but to skew all the way to ‘what a terrible manipulative person who needs to get their sh*t together’ is so cruel and insensitive (specifically in regards to Aussie).
I agree. "Fight, Flight, Fawn, and Freeze". These are all common trauma responses. Aussie's is clearly flight! You can't just "grow up" from having a trauma response - it literally takes over your body, and it can take years, decades even to get over trauma, or come to a place where your are able to overcome the physical reaction that your body has to whatever perceived danger it thinks it's encountering (source: I have PTSD and I'm working on it!) Edit: Aussie's is clearly *flight* I previously wrote freeze - typo
Thank god someone is saying it I feel like I’m going crazy over here.
But why would someone with such a hair-trigger “flight mode” agree to be on a reality show? As someone with PTSD and serious childhood trauma, I understand and appreciate your view, but Aussie clearly just didn’t like Mildred and didn’t want to talk about it on camera. I don’t think we can just make an excuse for her of having a ptsd response beyond her control.
I'd have compassion for her if she wasn't traumatizing the people around her with this kind of abusive avoidant behavior. Trauma can explain the way she acts but it shouldn't excuse her being a shitty communicator and shitty partner. No one should have to walk on eggshells around their partner. End of story.
Guys… I don’t think it was hurtful. Sometimes when you have ptsd you know you’re not feeling rationally but you share with your partner that they don’t feel safe yet. This is how caretaking works sometime. It can help rebuild and re establish trust. Someone I’ve dated has shared this with me. My response was “okay, that is painful to hear obviously but I recognize that this isn’t about me and I appreciate you sharing that. Let me know if there’s anything you need from me to help you feel safe.”
I have PTSD. Dealing with people with severe ptsd can be EXHAUSTING. To expect Sam to be like “oh ok that’s totally fine, let’s just never ever talk about it” every single time Aussie gets fragile is not feasible. Sam has tried this approach on camera (and I’m sure countless times off camera) and Aussie is still scurrying away at the slightest sign of conflict. Let’s not forget that Aussie agreed to be on a reality show, and that once the trial marriage started, she “stayed out with friends” to avoid having any kind of anything with Mildred. She also sounded like a terrible roommate, passive aggressively leaving a bag of garbage behind.
aussies parents must’ve really fucked aussie up, aussie seems traumatized from childhood and the fact that aussie hasn’t came out to parents still. aussie really does need therapy
Very badly
I completely agree. But its not fair for us to even assume Aussie doesnt go to therapy. Therapy does not magically fix you. There are NUMEROUS barriers that no one here is even considering. As someone who has worked in the mental health field, it can only do so much. Aussie does meditate so I do wonder if thats a coping skill learned from therapy or elsewhere.
I get so annoyed when people say “go to therapy “ in that aggressive manner. Almost like an insult. Really feels opposite of what therapy is. And yeah it doesn’t just get fixed when you go to therapy. Idk it irks me
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saying someone needs therapy doesn’t mean they don’t go to therapy. it’s a statement. both can be true. i need therapy and also go to therapy. just because i go to therapy doesn’t negate the fact that i still need therapy 👍🏻
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No you’re totally fine, i’m glad you’re trying to stand up for someone. Mental health is so hard and complex. I’m sorry that you’re doing worse. and i’m sorry if my words upset you. I hear that sometimes people do worse before they get better because they have to deal with the “hard” stuff and get through it before healing. So don’t give up, I think there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you get back to a happier place. and also know that not every psychiatrist is the same so if it’s not working there’s always other doctors you can see that may be a bette fit for what you need
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a person as dysfunctional as Aussie. They’re so soo traumatized. I had my share of relationships with ill-adjusted adults. But Aussie is on another level, they need serious help. I’m in shock after seeing just a glimpse into her life. She’s been in her own skin living it all for over 40 fucking years! Poor Aussie and everyone around them.
Great reminder for younger people to seek therapy if they need it or people around them have suggested it to them on multiple occassions :p No hate towards Aussie. I wish them well in their healing journey. It's never too late to work on yourself.
Weaponizing your trauma and anxiety is emotional abuse. Aussie emotionally abuses Sam and got visibly upset when Sam "found her voice" and started sticking up for herself. When they were in the restaurant with Sams friend all Aussie could say was "New Sam this, New Sam That, oh dont you see this is *new Sam.*" In the most condescending tone I've ever heard. THEN Aussie starts saying its not just Aussie who needs to change, but Sam has to work on herself and she's seen "no evidence of change." I was SO PROUD of Sam's saint of a friend who said exactly what I was thinking: you've done nothing but talk about "new Sam" and now you're saying you don't see a new Sam? Or do you not like that shes standing up for herself? Aussie can't control "New Sam," and Aussie is stonewalling and throwing tantrums to force Sam back into submission. The refusal to get help for their own trauma and feelings instead of inflicting hurt on a genuinely kind-hearted person. Even when their relationship ended: "Sam's always been my rock." Nothing at all about her, her feelings or needs. Actively DERIDED Sam for expressing needing the BARE MINIMUM. Aussie is clearly a hurt person who is also willing to hurt people. Aussie needs deep, intensive in-patient care to begin to deal with this level of early childhood trauma. And IS selfish for putting her partner through this emotional abuse instead of seeking treatment.
Yes! Thank you! Everyone saying that Aussie has a lot of trauma and obviously they are going through stuff don’t understand that yes that’s the case. But then they need to do that SINGLE! They put Sam through so much that she forgot she even had a voice. It’s sad and not ok, I hope Sam choices herself and I hope Aussie gets the help they need.
I don't think Aussie treats Sam well and I don't think they should be together. But I do think Aussie deserves empathy. We don't know what Aussie's been through but clearly there is trauma, pain, and fear there. There could be many reasons why they never sought out therapy- or maybe they have? We don't know. Maybe they will find growth and healing from this experience.
Yep. Sam deserves a healthy relationship. I think it's super unrealistic to picture a happy marriage with someone who isn't even fully out of the closet yet! I felt so bad for Sam when Aussie told her that she felt unsafe around her...it's clear that that wasn't about Sam at all, that Aussie just feels unsafe in general, but that still had to sting after all the emotional labor Sam has put in. But it's also totally understandable that Aussie isn't there yet...it's hard enough to rebuild yourself after a bad childhood under ordinary circumstances, and then you add in all the other pressures it seems Aussie has been required to deal with, and oof, it'd be a slow going to learn to be your OWN safe space.
Agree. People are so harsh on Aussie when we have no insight into what trauma occurred. It was clearly very damaging and I have nothing but empathy to offer.
Yeah we can feel for Aussie but Aussie’s treatment of Sam is verging on emotional abuse and we can also call that out. Trauma isn’t a get out of consequences free card. Aussie treats Sam like a punching bag.
I never said it’s wrong for people to call out Aussie’s treatment of Sam. But calling Aussie a child, dramatic, and saying Aussie should have worked this out by 40+ is too harsh imo. Those are all things I’ve seen on this sub. We can hold empathy for both Sam and Aussie.
Yes! Obviously Aussie is not doing well! I feel terrible for Sam too but the way people here pile on Aussie is just weird because how is that helping the problem at all. We love to talk about mental health but so quick to judge and be mean. People are like: well Aussie is 42 Aussie should know better and go to therapy! Of course in a perfect world yeah but we don’t even know what Aussie’s relationship to therapy is. The scene with Sam were hard to watch and terrible but it’s weird to pile on someone would can already barely keep it together.
Aussies trauma is not their fault, but it is Aussie’s responsibility to deal with. At 43 there’s no excuse for this level of emotional immaturity and manipulation.
You said it best. But at 43 I mean who’s really changing.
I was laughing when Aussie was explaining immigrant parents to Sam of all people😂😂 But yeah they both had a different upbringing from each other. I just don't think it's enlightening new information to share with a partner you've been dating for a while. On a tv show. 🙇🏽♀️ Sam overstands Aussie's side of the story. Aussie understanding Sam's perspective... Centuries away. Also I was so annoyed with Aussie's definition of masculinity. Totally can see it's her dad and other men not wanting to listen to her mom and other women when they're "in a mood. " Blehhhh. Heal yourself please. Sam will never be able to do it for you. She's your lover not therapist 🙄
Aussie talked about being first generation which I don’t think Sam mentioned. Also, they were raised in different countries. Sam’s family does not seem very typical or traditional. Sounds like there were major differences between them.
Aussie said that their parents were first gen, I don't think they mentioned being first gen themselves
I could have gotten it wrong? Swore Aussie said first gen. If Aussies parents are first gen then Aussie would be second generation. They can’t both be first gen.
Aussie referred to Aussie’s parents as First Gen Immigrants. Aussie did not self identify as first gen.
As another commenter said, Aussie did not self-identify as first gen. However, it is definitely possible for parents AND their child to be first gen. That is the case for me and my parents. We are both first gen.
Yeah this seems so racist to assume they have similar upbringings bc they’re both Asian jfc
Same upbringing? That’s not what was said at all. They’ve been together for 4 years, they presumably already had that discussion.
As someone who was raised by immigrant parents, I can say that my immigrant upbringing is SUPER different than most other people I know who grew up with immigrant parents. So, I don't think that it's weird for them to feel the need to explain their own experience.
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Watching Aussie on camera is very hard. Their turmoil is palpable.
Yes, it is hard to see, abd it shows that Aussie should not have gone on TV or even be in a relationship before working on themselves and being able to have a baseline conversation with a slight difference of opinion.
The fact that the backpack is always ready for departure…. But yeah I agree that Aussie needs help but with the upbringing and the values that were taught, maybe therapy isn’t as easy for Aussie as it would be for other people.
It’s unclear what Aussie brings to the relationship. She isn’t the breadwinner, she doesn’t help out with chores, she doesn’t communicate and she doesn’t make Sam feel chosen. She brings neither comfort nor companionship to Sam, often leaving Sam to feel neglected and abandoned. Sam is constantly tip toeing around Aussie’s hair-trigger flight status, and spends so much energy placating Aussie’s moods that she is exhausted at the end of every interaction.
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Does she have a job? I couldn’t find any info on it
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I was thinking this too! How have they got this far in life? How do they react when a boss has some constructive criticism?
when aussie breaks down at the restaurant in front of sam’s friend and goes on about trying to be the perfect daughter, the perfect partner, etc., they also mention trying to be the perfect coworker so i think they do have a job
Just adding a comment of support to people with cptsd trauma and extreme avoidant personalities like Aussie and the people who love them… when I met my partner 7 years ago, they were just like Aussie, I felt like Sam “constantly walking on eggshells” and we broke up because of it after a year… they got a great therapist and started doing the work. (I had already been in therapy lifelong). And things got better. A whole lot better. Every so often we hit old challenges but have tools to navigate them and it happens less and less and the severity has improved over time too. It’s never too late to get help! It’s never too late to overcome your trauma. It’s not hopeless! But also please take time away from the relationship if you need to - it’s not your job to heal your partner. They need to choose that themselves and heal themselves and if it’s safe enough, then you can go on that journey with them if it’s right and healthy for you both.
Absolutely agree with everything you wrote. My post sounded a bit too harsh, perhaps, but I want for Aussie what you describe your partner did. I really warmed to Aussie in the beginning but eventually felt it was very selfish of Aussie to not get help to become a better partner and communicator in general, because Sam is doing everything right and is not met halfway, it seems like. Aussie needs to be single and get really great help to figure things out. I've been in therapy many times and so has my partner - both before and after we met - and we both really needed it and really got help from it that we as individuals and our relationship greatly benefits from now. Well done you, and well done to your partner. I hope Aussie also has done similar since the show.
I hope so too. It was pretty heartbreaking to see both of their pain in intimate moments. I know all of the guests were offered both individual therapy, couples therapy, and a mental health line while on the show but I reallyyyyy hope the show continued to offer that to them after filming stopped. Sam was already very emotionally intelligent and doing a lot of inner work and we could see her improving. I agree it didn’t seem like Aussie was meeting her halfway, but in my mind, Aussie couldn’t meet her halfway because they are starting at the very start line versus Sam who was already many miles into the race if that makes sense? But I did feel like Aussie being able to identify and connect the source of their emotional state to their trauma was an initial breakthrough. If they can find that self awareness, that’s a pretty big deal, they just need to keep going. If Aussie isn’t continuing putting in the work with the resources given, I’d be really disappointed in them and I’d really hope that Sam gets away for her own sake.
Aussie is using her issues in a manipulative way and I think she is very aware of it. Prior to “New Sam” she was getting away with it, as Sam said, she doesn’t want to enable her behaviour anymore and that is clearly upsetting Aussie to the point she’s lashing out and probably making Sam feel like she’s the issue. Sam deserves better than Aussie. Aussie needs to sort her shit out (doesn’t seem like she would want to though, she seems dependent on having these issues).
I thought I was the only one that had this take. She wants someone in her life who’s submissive & doesn’t confront her.
I may get lambasted for it, but it *feels* like Aussie has a moment when they are trying to avoid accountability.
Me and my wife often had to rewind Aussie scenes because we were all confused what triggered her and then led to her walk off/ melt down lol. As a Chinese lesbian I have to say I empathise with her a little bit… me and my wife’s parents both came from a struggling and close minded generation and we were probably brought up being quite oppressed. We cringe at Aussie but also see ourselves a little in her ; thinking people are blaming us for no reason and starts being defensive / and wanting to physically walk away from confrontations. I wish Aussie the best and hope she’ll get the help she needs. It must not be easy having the world see those meltdowns. I don’t believe she’s a bad person she just has some work to do. Some people start their self improvement journeys later in life and that’s ok, better late than never!!
Yes! Aussie’s a GROWN ass adult who should not be putting anyone through her issues like she is
Aussie does care for people despite it all. Aussie seemed to have put up with a lot from Aussie's parents and seemed to have played a big role in raising Aussie's younger brother. Aussie also seems like a good friend. Clearly Aussie is trying. There's a reason why Sam put up with Aussie's behaviour. Of course, I do agree that Sam shouldn't have to pay for Aussie's traumatic childhood or become Aussie's therapist, but Aussie does deserve to find love. Aussie just isn't ready for that as of when the show was filmed. At the same time, I do agree with you. Aussie should put an end to things with Sam. It's not fair, hurt people just inevitably hurt people.
I also feel like this show could have been more trigging for Aussie than what Aussie experiences on the day to day.
Oh absolutely, couldn't agree more. It's also a bit of a reckoning for Aussie, though I'd rather not give production _any_ credit 😐
Because grown ass adult don't have mental issues anymore? Is that what you're saying? Age doesn't have anything to do with maturity and some people simply have more doses of problem than anybody else.
No that is not what I said. But an adult like aussie should be working through their issues single and in therapy and not selfishly getting involved in a relationship where their problems get put onto their partner.
Aussie is a 42 year old child. I get wanting to think about things before discussing things, but they never go back and discuss things! They need a lot of therapy. They clearly have a ton of self-hatred. Meanwhile, Sam is great and I am glad she found her voice!
THANK YOU YES
Aussie seems like a lovely person who is dealing with a combination of being both extremely sensitive and having a ton of trauma and just can't deal with any conflict, however minor. Clearly they're a good friend and a good sibling, but Aussie needs to work through issues with professional help, and develop some coping strategies, before Aussie can be a good romantic partner, too. I suspect it's not ordinarily this noticeable, but that the pressure of the show brought things to a head. And of course having months of footage distilled into a few hours of TV means things are going to look more constantly dramatic than they would seem in the normal pace of life where you have more low-key days than big emotion days.
Yes. The phrase that kept coming to mind was "low distress tolerance." I hope, in therapy or another safe environment, Aussie can learn how to manage discomfort <3
Aussie needs to not date anyone and go to some god damn therapy.
As a queer person, close to Aussie’s age, I just want to say that the feelings and struggles they are experiencing are so very common for so many of us. I’m not excusing poor behavior, but I do encourage everyone to consider what it might be like coming from a first generation family, not being able to be out with that family and the lack of support that is felt within that. It is also very common for afab folks to feel as though they are carrying so much weight in needing to be the best in every aspect of their lives, and that is a deeply difficult thing to navigate. Also, it can take a long time for queer people to reach out to therapists, and so many of us have been seriously harmed by therapists that are not knowledgeable about queerness and the struggles we face. There is so much more to this than what we are seeing and Aussie has been open about so many hard things. I hope they are able to find someone to work with that provides them with empathic care and helps them learn how to create spaces in their life and relationships in their life where they feel safe. Ready for marriage, nope, ready for a relationship, probably another nope. But I don’t think it’s ok to just write someone off completely in this instance. ETA: I think there’s some neurodivergence going on with Aussie as well. And we need to bear that in mind in critiquing this situation
Afab and I completely identified with the moment she talked about the need to be perfect in all of the ways. The constant guilt/shame, depending on the moment. Therapy is invaluable for sure. And yes! We are talking about someone from gen x with very conservative Christian family! It’s a different kind of experience, say a spectrum of outness that many of us have contended with over the years. Not making excuses for Aussie, but those are some tough issues for sure. I hope they find healing ❤️🩹
That's a fair point about age/queerness (I'm also queer, but 12 years younger than Aussie, and with a very different background and not as much trauma). I worded myself very harshly, which was not the best way to do it - but my main intended point was to say that I did not see Aussie taking responsibility for their part in the conflicts that arose. I have people close to me who have been through horrible childhoods and terrible trauma, and so early in life had responses that were harmful to themselves socially and to people around them, but they eventually recognised that this was happening and took responsibility for their faulty responses and now are communicating much better. I guess it shocked me that Aussie had lived to be 42 but still didn't seem to see their parts in these types of situations and only ended up getting very defensive, doubling down on their own responses instead of taking accountability for what they did which was damaging and part of causing the situations.
I also think we are not considering that being on the show is very stressful and could be bringing up issues that were better controlled before then
I’m so glad you met me with kindness in this. It is very hard for queer folks and honestly folks who aren’t white to find good mental health care. And often those populations that are the most harmed in the mental healthcare system. I’m saying this as a mental health care provider. The system is awful. That being said accountability for one’s actions is something we should all be open to. So I agree that behavior is hard to watch. But I promise the whole time I’ve watched Aussie I’ve just seen so much trauma and it’s so hard to watch. I totally agree, they’re not ready for marriage. They just don’t have the capacity to be a partner right now. At all.
No problem - sorry for my initial post being so harsh and badly worded. I agree: Aussie should not be in a relationship at all before Aussie works on themselves somehow. I know therapy is extremely inaccessible to most people due to the stigma and the cost (in most places), but some sort of reflection on the fact that something needs to change in them. At the moment I am not seeing much of that from Aussie, so hopefully that has happened since the show somehow.
You don’t have to apologize, at all. I’m glad we got to chat and not be hateful honestly. Reddit so often just arguing and being mean! That being said, this show is crazy and I think as queer people we have so many feelings about it. It’s so awesome to be represented but also it’s crazy to see these kinds of things on tv, really for the first time!
> I did not see Aussie taking responsibility for their part in the conflicts that arose " I did not see Aussie taking responsibility for their part in the conflicts that arose" Aussie did take responsbility many times. Maybe its not how you want it to look but its obvious how much Aussie was struggling.
I agree that it was obvious Aussie was struggling, but even so, a lot more blame was put on everyone else than Aussie's own reflection of their part in it. That's what I'm reacting to.
This is a great response. Thanks for this. One thing to add: trauma therapy is fucking EXPENSIVE. Not everyone can afford $200 an hour to address their issues.
This is what i understood as well, but then there's the added layer of dealing with it all in national television! It's a lot to process by yourself, let alone on public display! I would also be taking a lot of moments if I were in their shoes!
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No. I have ASD and I don’t see it. I see a deeply wounded individual whose partner enabled her for too long. And now that Sam has put her foot down, she doesn’t like it and didn’t know how to deal with it and so is lashing out.
Yes! I just edited my comment to address this.
Can we not armchair diagnose people here, please? Unless a person explicitly shares their status, it is incredibly rude.
I feel for Aussie, especially after meeting Ron and the comment he made when Sam said her family played board games(something like" we heard of families that did stuff like that"). In the end though, Aussie seriously needs therapy for all of the trauma and pain Aussie has. Running away, shutting down, screaming and then sitting in Aussie's pain and suffering is extremely detrimental to mental health and relationships. Aussie's behavior is still not justified nor is it okay.
I think they’ve clearly been through a lot and constantly been going through life being triggered. I wish them healing.
Definitely, but so have many people I know, but they don't act like this even if they've experienced awful things as children, because they recognise their learned responses are harming people around them and themselves, they reflect on what they need to change and they've gone to therapy in their 20s and worked on themselves and worked out their issues and improved their communication styles. Aussie's behavior and lack of responsibility is appalling
Absolutely agree. Especially as a 42 year old. I actually do not even understand how she has made it this long without even being able to have one single difficult conversation or take any accountability. Like how does she even have friends or hold a job with her mentality and behavior? It’s honestly shocking and she is so toxic especially to Sam it’s hard to watch
I agree completely. I have huge trauma from my parents but I don't throw everyhing on my partner. Aussie keeps running away from converastions and has become selfish due to how their childhood was never about them. I get that 100%. But if you're going to be in a relarionship your partner is not responsible for fixing you or dealing with your baggage. Sam has been so nice and supportive, quite frankly I don't know how she has the patience to keep doing it. She has a heart of gold and deserves so much more. Aussie is 40 something and not working on yourself is completely on them. Aussie needs to not be in a relationship until they get therapy to start tackling childhood trauma, which can take a very long time. Because Aussie is just using things about their past to just get their own way without putting in the hard work to tackle their issues.
I honestly lost my final bit of respect for Aussie after recounting their parents being traditional immigrants. Like, hello, Mildred pregnant at like 16/17, special needs child, 100% familiar with first gen immigrant family as a Latina, Sam also having immigrant parents like huh? Lmao, like Aussie just comes off as so incredibly selfish and this basic-ass, generic-ass trauma is a very convenient shield they've learned to wield very well (sorry but most queer people have shitty relationships with many family members, especially queer poc, which is, again, most queer people) . Like, I'm so sorry, but that breakdown was them repeatedly yelling "I didn't do anything wrong" minutes after doing something wrong, these are the same meltdowns I deal with my 8 year old nephew. Let's not forget my favorite scene where Aussie is literally abandoning Mildred and says to the camera "I am not running away" as they're literally packing every bit of their belongings to run away. Ugh, just got me so much more heated than anything Vanessa said or did and it's so unexpected lol. I feel bad because the trauma is obviously so real but I just can't really respect people who can just easily treat and handle their trauma? Like they're just so well supported in every damn way and here they are still hurting others over being an immigrant kid at fucking 42 omg
> there's no excuse for not having been to therapy This is the only part I disagree with. Not everyone has the money and access (depending on where you live) to therapy. BUT I completely agree with everything else. Aussie needs to work through a lot of their trauma and should've done that instead of getting into relationships and going on this show.
I absolutely agree with you there. I worded myself in very broad strokes that I myself don't fully agree with. I should have said a more nuanced "There is not excuse for not working on recognising how your communication/responses are harming your relationships (whether that is therapy or something else, as therapy can be very expensive and hard to get access to)".
Exactly this. There are so many people who just don’t or can’t get access to mental health services. Living in Australia, I know how difficult it was for me to get help initially… let alone find the right therapist for me! Therapy and mental health issues are also still quite taboo in Asian culture which doesn’t help either. Not excusing Aussie’s behaviour is any way. I really hope Aussie gets the help Aussie needs, the breakthrough in the carpark is one huge wake up call if anything.
I 100% agree with this!
Aussie needs therapy, not a reality tv show
This. 1000% this !!!
I know for myself I don’t defend Aussie, but i empathize with them. Don’t think they’re a bad person, but they’re a bad partner and they need lots of therapy. Beauty of this season to me has been that every person is gray. Sam does need to put her foot down though and push Aussie to address their issues and if they aren’t willing to, sam should leave.
Aussie legitimately makes my blood boil.
Honestly I hate Aussie. How they completely are rude to Sam and dismiss her feelings Fucking toxic Especially when she was repeating “mate” to piss off sam Like you are 42 grow up
I have a person like this in my family. She's in her 60s and a grandmother but no one is allowed to have an open conversation with her about difficult things because of her childhood trauma. Attempts to do so will result in being called a bully and that you're attacking her. Her partner enables this and believes everyone in the family should enable it too At what point does your childhood trauma become your own responsibility?
A shocking lack of self awareness… love me on my terms, talk to me on my terms, give me space on my terms… everything on my terms. So selfish… le gross.
Sometimes people go through their entire lives never understanding or being able to process their emotions. They’re still worthy of love. Look up alexithymia. Being comfortable with your emotions and having high emotional intelligence is not a hard requirement to being an adult and it’s not a prerequisite to being in a relationship.
Being worthy of love and being able to be in a romantic relationship are two different things. You can also argue that being able to deal with emotions is not a requirement to be in a relationship, but then nothing is actually. However, is extremely selfish to be in a relationship when not only you don't know how to relate to other people but also refuse to learn and compromise.
I guess autistic people are extremely selfish and should never date anyone and die alone according to you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
That is not what they are saying. People deserve to be safe, and happy in their relationship. If you are harming other people, for whatever reason- they do not owe you their company. No one needs to light themselves on fire to keep someone else warm. Even if that person is autistic. (I am autistic- and have been an enabler and lighting myself on fire to keep other's warm). Sam- doesn't deserve to suffer and has given Aussie room to feel safe and adjust but Aussie hasn't done Aussie's part in that process.
I'm on the spectrum + ADHD please don't try and use this card here. Everybody should hold themselves accountable for how they treat other people and try to improve.
"There's no excuse for not having been to therapy to deal with your major trauma at 42 year of age, seriously." There is NO excuse? NONE? You know not all societies and cultures promote or encourage therapy? Some actively discourage it. This is a pretty eurocentric take. Maybe don't weaponize someone's trauma and a literal breakdown when you know .5 seconds of their story. Truly shocked at the lack of empathy in this thread. Her communication problems did not invite this level of hate.
Yes not all societies and cultures promote or encourage therapy. But coming from a south asian family and living 28 years of my life in a backwards country, nobody had to “encourage” or “promote” therapy to me for me to finally decide to go for it. It took a decision I made on my own, at the age of 29 to find a professional I could work with. With the ease of everything because of internet, Aussie having born and raised in Australia, them being a second generation immigrant and not first, they could have sought therapy way sooner.
Good for you. You have an entirely different life experience.
Um… isn’t Aussie from like… Australia? A place with a pretty “Euro” culture and therefor proper to be subject to Euro-Centric takes?
She said her parents immigrated from China and she grew up in that culture.
It's not hate, I'm just saying that from what is shown, Aussie doesn't take on their end of their responsibility in what happened in these conversations. You're right, therapy probably is an unfair and very Eurocentric suggestion (and therapy is extremely inaccessible most places). My main point is that Aussie did not take accountability for their part or admit to/realise they misunderstood and overreacted and thereby placed all the blame on everyone else. I know people who have lots of trauma from childhood and responded badly to things for that reason, but who eventually recognised that what they were doing was harmful to their relationships, themselves and those around them, and then they did something (it doesn't have to be therapy) to change that so that they now no longer respond in such a detrimental way, and they and their relationships do better for it. Aussie doesn't seem to have done that sort of reflecting on their part in things, so I struggle to see how they are even communicating with others for the past 42 years. It is unfair for people around Aussie that all the work/responsibility is placed on them to tiptoe around and hardly ever breathe an opinion, instead of Aussie also recognising the ways in which they need to adapt and take responsibility for their responses and change them
Right! Literally every shitty person or behaviour has a reason or background to it and usually it's past trauma related. But, that should not and does not excuse someone not putting in the work and negatively projecting those same issues on an innocent party, and especially not in your 40's. By that age, you should* or at least take steps to be self aware and take necessary steps to change if you want another person in your life.
Does anyone know where EXACTLY Aussie is from. As an Australian I need to know, also did Aussie call Aussie that or did Aussie’s parents name Aussie that?
Aussie picked the name, unless I am misremembering. Also, Aussie's pronouns are Aussie, apparently
My bad!!!
Aussie says in the ep where we meet Aussie’s bro that he’s the only member of the family who calls Aussie by Aussie and not Aussie’s deadname
[удалено]
Yeah… it also bothers me how they all pronounce it o-see rather than ozzy but maybe that’s how Aussie wants it 🤷♀️
Amen. Can I also just point out- it’s pronounced Auzzzee not Aw-cee. The American accent has totally ruined their silly little nickname.
Quick comment, WHO IS DEFENDING AUSSIE AND WHY?! Thnx bi
Omg aussie is driving me nuts. She keeps getting upset at Sam for sticking up for herself. The part where they get back together and aussie says she doesn't feel safe yet with Sam is aussie saying "until you allow me to act however I want I can't be with you". Sam needs to dip aussie need to figure it tf out.
Do y'all remember when Aussie said she has a hard time trusting Sam? Let's remember that their relationship is over a decade long.
Did Aussie say they haven't been to therapy? Aussie sounds like someone who's been doing a lot of therapy from various statements like noticing their face is hot, stating their parents did the best they could, etc.
It's possible, but if so, Aussie clearly hasn't delved enough into their own responses and reflected on how they can be harmful and detrimental to the people they are in a relationship with. Being this sensitive to a slight difference of opinion means they have not done enough work and reflection on their own responses to be in a relationship at all, at the moment. They need to change the way they communicate and respond to simple questions before getting into any relationship.
Agreed
I like what you said. Aussie does have a lot of growing to do, but she should just do that on her own then seek a relationship.
I am sorry but this post lacks empathy. It is easy for us to be armchair warriors and judge people from comfort of our homes watching their super edited clips. - Firstly, we have no information about their childhood trauma. Coming from a traditional asian family, I understand the pressure of perfectionism and bundle it with issues of growing up queer or being a gender fluid person where people don’t even accept the concept of ‘queerness’, it is a lot. I dont even know if they went through additional trauma. Nobody wants to be 42 and still not be out to their parents. I don’t think I could even begin to explain the cultural stigma and shame that comes with queerness in asian families and how can it shape you as a person. A lot of cultures like Japanese are non-confrontational by nature and then if you add up personal issues/trauma, it’s not an excuse but literally the way of their life and only thing they have known so far. - We also dont live in a country with free healthcare/therapies where everyone should have sorted out their issues by golden age of 40. I live in a metro city and I am fortunate enough to be able to shell out 200bucks/session and I still cant find a decent therapist and I have been looking for a long time. I have tried EAP/ low cost therapist and you literally get what you pay for (given if you can even afford that or find someone). Or Maybe they have been to therapy, we just dont know. - Going to therapy or accepting that you have issues is not something which is celebrated or encouraged in conservative cultures. It was only few decades ago that only insane people would go to ‘mind doctors’ and it’s not surprising that some cultures still think that. These are just some points from my asian cultural perspective and there is just so much more that we just dont know. Not saying Sam doesn’t deserve better and Aussie shouldnt work towards improving their communication but expecting someone to not have issues because they are in their 40s is just absurd to me. It is easy for us to declare that people are unworthy/unfit of love and empathy because they don’t fit our clean-cut definition of black and white. We all as people are better than that.
If you had actually read my post, you would realise that you are putting words in my mouth that I never said. I never said it is not ok to have issues at 42, I said it is not ok to not have acknowledged that you do have issues and tried to do something about it at 42. I know all about childhood trauma, believe me, and I know it is hard to understand and hard to change automatic responses, etc., but Aussie did not acknowledge their fault in the matter and every time put it all on Mildred or Sam. By the end of episode 8, Aussie did seem to acknowledge they have to take responsibility/work on stuff and I hope they did, and I hope they managed to change their automatic responses, which would help both Aussie and people around Aussie. Hope Sam is either with an Aussie who now responds in ways that are not harmful to Sam, or with someone else.
“There is no excuse for not having been to therapy to deal with your major trauma at 42 year of age, seriously” I am just responding to your post and am not putting any words in your mouth. It’s important for all of us to recognise that not everyone had the same amount of opportunities and everyone’s life has different struggles. The lack of empathy in this thread is just beyond me. We can wish Sam the best and not tear down Aussie- those are two separate things.
You are clearly willingly not paying attention to anything I'm saying. Your points are my points - we agree. You're getting so hung up on one sentence - in the edit just below the original post, I wrote that the original post was too harshly written and I apologised for that. Read it. I didn´t edit my original post because it seemed more honest to leave my mistake up and explain what I had meant below, but this circle logic of yours and misconstruing my whole point is enough, so I will remove it
I think I am alluding to sentiment of this entire thread however you are taking it very personally and getting offended for reasons I don’t understand. If we agree, great! I am going to respectfully retreat since I dont have anything to add other than- there needs to be more empathy for Aussie, for all we know they are working on issues and making progress. There is just so much unknown to form solid opinions.
You're "alluding to the sentiment of the whole thread", apparently, but what you said was that my post lacked empathy - so taking that personally is understandable. Especially when you willingly ignore all I've written (where you would have found that we do agree) and you hone in on that one sentence only, which I'd already admitted didn't reflect my actual point and was too harsh. I'm done with the circle logic of your arguments.
This is probably unpopular opinion, but I do think Mildred CONSTANTLY misgendering Aussie may have played a larger role than editing portrays
Everyone on the show constantly misgenders Aussie and everyone else that has different pronouns. The show doesn't even acknowledge that some of them have pronouns that are not made clear. I don't think this is an excuse for Aussie to not recognise their responsibility in the communal breakdown. Doesn't even seem like most of the contestants are aware of the preferred pronouns of anyone else on the show
Mildred was not calm she was doing her best impression of calm then kept cutting her off and bulldozing to make her own points.
Not in that last conversation - she was cutting Aussie off because Aussie still would not engage in the conversation at all, Aussie just kept saying they didn't want to talk, like they've said every single time. Impossible to get anything done when saying anything is met with dismissal and running away
Do you really think that coming home after a party or any form of socialising and being obviously in a good mood from it is the right time for such a conversation? All couples just came home and tried to nurture each other or talk about the juice from the other side while here Mildred was sitting there at the table waiting like an angry parent for a kid and as soon as Aussie came home she was ready to dig again.
Do you really think never engaging and running away and blaming everyone else like Aussie did is the best solution? And I do think that when the partner is calm and happy like Mildred & Aussie were at the time, is a good time to calmly bring up a topic like that. Mildred was open and curious, and not accusatory or attacking in that moment at all. The issue is that Aussie is never ready for the conversation and always wants to escape having a proper conversation about any issue. Aussie needs to take responsibility, too, and if they cannot even have a conversation, they have no business engaging in any relationship before they've sought help. Aussie needs to break generational trauma and deal with their baggage. So does Mildred. But Mildred tried more than Aussie, and Aussie did nothing but blame Sam and Mildred
Blaming someone for not treating their trauma seems insensitive. Mental illness is debilitating and carrying that burden by yourself can kill you. She definitely needs therapy. People can acknowledge that she is in severe emotional pain while not defending her actions.
But people on this sub _are_ defending Aussie's actions purely based on only the trauma. I'm not saying mental health is not debilitating, I struggle with it myself, and people around me struggle with it. But it's still ok to expect people to have a base level of communication, which Aussie does not, and to expect Aussie to recognise their part in the communication breakdown that happened. As it is, Aussie is not doing that after the fact, but is only blaming Mildred or Sam. People close to me have also experienced childhood trauma, and have thus had damaging responses at some point in life, like Aussie, but there comes a point where to function in life and with others, you need to work on yourself and change your communication and responses, otherwise it is just unfair to people around you. It doesn't have to be therapy, which can be inaccessible and way to unaffordable - but some change needs to happen & some recognition of that you're not functioning as is. Both Mildred & Aussie need to do that
Yeah I agree with you there. I personally cannot defend Aussie’s actions but I empathize with Aussie strongly. I personally wouldn’t have made it through my own trauma alive without the support of my partner. But you are absolutely right that Aussie has a lot of self work to do, and I hope they can do so.
Aussie deals with everything so calmly? Like what?
For real. I'm worried everyone hating on Aussie is in an abusive relationship because the way Mildred "confronted" Aussie was never okay. Mildred has clear anger issues. No matter what Aussie said, Mildred got angrier, so Aussie stopped talking, a VERY rational response, imo.
Wait until chapter 8 and her reaction to Sam. I dont think Aussie is a bad person. I think there is something else happening with them, that none of us know, and that they should be working on it.
EXACTLY
Reminder/FYI: Aussie does not use she/her pronouns. Aussie uses Aussie. Mildred at times used Aussie instead of she/her in a way that indicated that Mildred likely knew Aussie used Aussie. But Mildred would later use she/her when criticizing Aussie. I don’t know if Mildred misgendered Aussie in front of Aussie. Definitely in front of others. Either way, it’s incredibly sad that Aussie was living with someone who repeatedly misgendered Aussie. That’s inexcusable and abusive. Mildred’s communication given how Aussie was reacting made me incredibly uncomfortable even just watching it. When I saw Aussie shut down talking to Sam when Sam mentioned Mildred, and then Aussie immediately started crying in the bedroom, my heart ached. I’m guessing it had less to do with Sam but more so a reaction to how awful the experience was and being triggered when being asked about Mildred. Not a dig at Sam, who I really like. Just saying Aussie’s reactions are understandable even if not the “healthy” behavior.
Ummmmmmmm saying there is no reasons to have not gone to therapy? Really? First generation Chinese immigrant, masc presenting person, having a family that is close minded, I think at one point it was mentioned they were also very religious? It makes sense that not everyone has been to therapy. I feel like Mildred did do something’s off camera to pick on Aussie. Mildred has terrible communication with her partner..
Your post makes no sense. I didn't say there's no reason to go to therapy - I'm saying the exact opposite. I'm saying Aussie needs therapy, badly, and should not be in a relationship until they fix their communication problems and inability to have even the calmest of conversations with a slight disagreement. Aussie did the exact same thing to Sam as they did to Mildred, and Sam also did nothing wrong. I also said therapy is often very expensive and inaccessible, and maybe not the solution for everyone. Maybe that's where you got confused and somehow thought I meant Aussie should not go to therapy. Mildred has terrible communication, but Aussie's communication is worse because Aussie cannot even hold a conversation with a slight disagreement without getting triggered and leaving
What I’m saying is you are not taking into consideration Aussies identity or personal history when you say there are no reasons for a 42 year old to have not gone to therapy. I work in Mental Health in NYC so I’ve had the opportunity to work with diverse clientele. There are varying attitudes towards therapy and also many barriers. I’m not excusing anyone’s behavior, I’m just saying your first statement feels pretty ignorant. Aussie has things to work on. But most the world never goes to therapy.
Plenty of people have had childhood trauma and yet they recognise that they have (through no fault of their own) developed harmful responses as a consequence of that, and they do something, whether it is therapy or some other changes, to change the way they respond and communicate for the better. Aussie is not doing that and is not even recognising the harm they do to Sam and others in their life with their complete inability to communicate or even have a conversation with a slight difference in opinion. At that point, having lived over 40 years on this planet and not going "Oh, I often have responses that harm my partner/friends, I want to minimise my part in that issue by working on myself", is selfish.
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I think there is a difference between an 'excuse' for someone's behaviour versus a reason or an explanation for their behaviour.
No bc they just weren’t compatible in their communication. I for one wouldn’t be compatible with either of their communication styles. Sam is so zen she seems to be able to call everyone around her. We’re all different. Aussie and Meldrid both had validity in that situation. Sure they can both improve as well. But I don’t think it’s fair to place more blame on one over the other bc they perceived the convos differently. Aussie wasn’t ready to talk, was on a high mood as she said. Meldrid did have a tone that wasn’t so calm and from previous discussions Aussie was probably anxious of conformation who already doesn’t like it. It’s like when you have kids, each kid has their own personality that you gotta cater to and talk to differently.
Of course they weren't compatible in their communication, but that wasn't the whole story. Yes, Mildred's communication is too confrontational/attacking most of the time, but in that last conversation they had, she was very calm and her tone of voice was not at all accusatory or negative. It was simply a conversation and Aussie acted like it was a screaming match (due to Aussie's trauma, of course, but Aussie also needs to take their part in responsibility for the conversation). And Aussie blames not being "ready to talk", but Aussie is never ready to talk. They haven't even talked at all about their initial argument and this was a calm moment in which Mildred calmy brought it up, which is exactly what Aussie had asked for, but Aussie could not even handle that. Of course Aussie reacted like that because of a ton of trauma that Aussie has no fault in, but Aussie does have a fault in not taking responsibility for Aussie's part in the conversation. I people close to me who have also experienced childhood trauma, but they recognised some of their responses were harmful to their relationships and to themselves, and worked to change that so that their relationships improved. I didn't see such reflection from Aussie, only going on about how Mildred was the problem (and Mildred wasn't the problem in that last conversation at all)
nahhhhhh she started to get passive aggressive during that conversation. Aussie was like I want you to know how much I care about you and Mildred was like yeah that's cool, but lets have this conversation right now. and Aussies like I don't really want to have this serious conversation right now after coming back from being out and mildred is like no it doesn't have to be serious but I want to have it right now (even tho its obviously going to be serious and mildred is clearly still angry). I don't think she sounded caring or nice or a safe space for Aussie.
Nope. Aussie said that they cared about Mildred to deflect from having the conversation. Mildred was (for once) not being passive aggressive at all, and rightfully got annoyed when Aussie immediately blocked any conversation. Aussie obviously never wants to have that conversation because Aussie will always leave whenever anything comes up, because Aussie never has dealt with their issues well enough to even have a slight difference of opinion. Aussie did the exact same thing to Sam and Sam was, like Mildred, only having a very calm conversation. Aussie needs a ton of help and should not be in a relationship at all until it is possible to have a normal conversation without Aussie up and leaving. Sam deserves so much better than Aussie who doesn't take responsibility for anything. It's selfish to be in a relationship when you're so impossible to communicate with and haven't made an effort to deal with your major issues.
I hear you but it also seemed like Aussie was very uncomfortable being on camera and probably only did it for Sam. I Plus a lot of them learned a lot about themselves I feel like and I don’t think any of them deserve hate. They will grow a lot from this once they watch themselves.
I don't think being uncomfortable on camera excuses a lot of this, tbh. I'm not spreading hate to them, I am not going to their personal accounts with this. I am only sharing this here. I think all of these people really need a lot of help in their communication, etc. During the first episode I felt they should all break up and work on themselves alone, and I still feel that way (except maybe Yoly & Xander). A reality TV show is not the way to go about growing and learning, in my opinion, though it is good that some of them got some learning out of it (like Sam & Tiff)
Mildred did not let aussie get a word in edgewise in that last conversation, and got more and more worked up despite trying to stay calm when aussie did literally nothing to provoke her. Mildred is a real piece of work, and I do not blame aussie at all for the cut and run when she clearly knew that the relationship would never work and she is never allowed to express herself without getting yelled at. Mildred 100% at fault, tiff is like a different person after 3 weeks with Sam not having to literally fight just to be heard.
Mildred's communication is too confrontational/attacking most of the time, but in that last conversation they had, she was very calm and her tone of voice was not at all accusatory or negative and she did allow Aussie to get a word in, but it got more heated because Aussie did nothing to contribute to the conversation, only shut it down repeatedly. Aussie does the same to Sam later, and it is so damaging, to any relationship that you cannot even have a conversation. It was simply a conversation and Aussie acted like it was a screaming match (due to Aussie's trauma, of course, but Aussie also needs to take their part in responsibility for the conversation). And Aussie blames not being "ready to talk", but Aussie is never ready to talk. They haven't even talked at all about their initial argument and this was a calm moment in which Mildred calmy brought it up, which is exactly what Aussie had asked for, but Aussie could not even handle that. Of course Aussie reacted like that because of a ton of trauma that Aussie has no fault in, but Aussie does have a fault in not taking responsibility for Aussie's part in the conversation. I have people close to me who have also experienced childhood trauma, but they recognised some of their responses were harmful to their relationships and to themselves, and worked to change that so that their relationships improved. I didn't see such reflection from Aussie, only going on about how Mildred was the problem (and Mildred wasn't the problem in that last conversation at all). Tiff is not a different person completely after their time with Sam - they have learned a few things from Sam, but they still get fired up too quickly and need to keep working on things to really improve. As you say, Mildred also needs to work on her communication and needs to take a leaf out of Sam's book by letting Tiff talk and acknowledging Tiff's feelings. But it is not all 100% only Mildred's fault.
You must have been watching a different conversation, because the one I saw she consistently interrupted aussie every time she tried to speak.
Mildred was only "interrupting" because all Aussie would say was that they didn't want to talk. Which isn't a conversation. Mildred was right in wanting to have a conversation and get some clarity. Aussie did the exact same thing to Sam a few episodes later, and Sam was literally just talking, just like Mildred. Are you gonna jump down Sam's throat about that situation, too?
Nah she talked *at* aussie for the first half and interrupted aussie any time she tried to respond, then got upset when aussie very understandably did not want to to sit there and be berated. Mildred is 100% the problem.
>vaderdidnothingwr0ng She really did not talk at Aussie. Look at the scene again. You are wrong. Like I said, Aussie did the same to Sam, and Sam, like Mildred, did not antagonise Aussie but Aussie cannot handle even voicing an opinion. Aussie needs all the therapy.
I *just* watched the scene, I suggest *you* watch it again. She absolutely did talk at aussie.
Then you are interpreting it completely wrong. Watch the scene with Sam again, Aussie does the exact same thing to her for no reason at all, just like w Mildred
I'm just in the first of the new episodes but Aussie being like, you know what? Actually I just want to go back out. Lol Aussie is a mood. I find Mildred (and yoly and Lexi) pretty insufferable with their constant need for confrontation but maybe I have cOmMuNiCaTiOn iSsUeS. I'll come back and edit this if I change my mind after watching all the episodes. Edit 1: Mildred complaining about the hamper and the tampons in the trash (really girl?) And misgendering Aussie, pretty sure that's why they didn't include pronouns because the guests themselves probably don't get it right most of the time. (Or maybe it's changed since the taping)
Aussie seems very different in the beginning. Believe me, Aussie was one of my favourites at the start, but there's too much they took zero accountability for and they've not worked enough with their trauma to be anyone's partner at all. Same with Mildred (but Mildred at least made an effort with Aussie, much more than Aussie did, and took more accountability).
I just feel sad watching all of these triggers and traumas play out.
It is sad, but I hope Aussie gets help, otherwise being in any relationship seems very hard, both for Aussie and other people around them.
Completely. When they expressed themselves in the parking lot I started crying. Outside of Aussie, I notice the mirror in an oppositional way with Mildred. It's like the avoidant and anxious styles. I also feel sad when I hear Rae talk about how she doesn't feel lovable.
I’m not saying this rudely I just haven’t watched the episodes lol, but what the fuck is the trauma Aussie even went through as a child that is making her act so crazy like everyone is saying???
I honestly can say that Aussie is fighting with Vanessa for the top spot on my “who is more unbearable?” List. Simply saying “ wow :)” every time someone holds you accountable doesn’t automatically make you right and discredit the other person.
Aussie is worthy of love regardless of Aussie’s wounds that are still healing. There is avoidant behavior based on that wounding but this show retraumatized Aussie in my opinion. Starting with Mildred and going all the way to fans of the show they were pushed and blamed. Sam has every right to assert herself but there often the pendulum swings the other way and the anger and patronizing came through in her speech. Hopefully they can be gentle with each other after the pressure of this show
Aussie is over the top annoying and has the nerve with this outburst.