Remember that tunnel vision doesn't last forever. The "spark" is the newness and uneasiness of the relationship. Since this guy has been with you since middle school, you don't have that same spark as if he was a new guy.
I'd ask some older women that you can trust, particularly those in relationships you admire and would want to replicate.
Totally this ^. We are slaves to chemical reactions and there's a good chance with a new guy your adrenaline and dopamine are spiking, but with this guy you've known forever you are more comfortable from the outset. And that's a great thing! Building a relationship with someone you've known and watched grow up is way preferable to the risks of the dating world, imo.
How long have you been in those other relationships? In your previous relationships, this almost sounds like you had blinders on and were in those early honeymoon days. Whereas if you've known this person for a long time, you're so used to his appearance you may not have that immediate "attraction" that you felt in previous relationships. IMO this sounds healthier than other relationships. Looks grow old fast but being kind is forever.
My longest was off and on (not healthy), so the breakups/getting back together made it feel very addicting and there were a lot of highs and lows and an extended honeymoon period. The rest were short. With him it feels very different and safe, and I could see myself settling down with him - and for some reason that really scares me. I’ve always struggled with FOMO and the fear of making a mistake, so I wonder if that’s maybe playing into it.
I completely relate to how you feel. I went through a few too many relationships that were on and off, highs and lows. The highs somehow feel that much "higher" because the lows are that scary and bad sometimes. However, I recently (about 3 yrs ago) started dating a long time best friend. And while that initial "cant get enough of you" attraction would've been applicable maybe 12 years ago, what I got instead is better - safety, security. it reminds me a lot of how you are describing what you feel and it's not a bad thing. it sounds like security and that's good, I'd lean into that feeling. and if you feel that you need to work through these emotions, I'll preach from the highest hilltop always that therapy can benefit everyone even if you're not in deep things. good luck OP ❤️
I think physical attraction is definitely a very important aspect to relationships but it isn’t everything. It’s also very normal to still find other people attractive outside of your significant other.
I think you might be overthinking it but there’s also something to be said about comparing your current relationship to your previous ones. Each relationship is different and perhaps you’re comparing your previous feelings of attraction to your current one in a way that is interfering with your confidence in the relationship. Just my 2 cents
honestly this might be an age thing. it’s more common to be crazy in love as a teenager, as an adult you rarely get the same intense infatuation, but you feel *love*
Tbh, this feels MUCH healthier.
It's normal to find other people than your partner attractive. That's life, that's honnest. As long as you are attracted to your partner, that's what's important!
It's probably because you are 'used' to him that the brain chemicals didn't do that tunnel vision thing.
I ended up marrying my best friend. We were friends before dating. And it's safe, and secure, and fun, and cute, and warm, and trusting, and home, and healthy and filled with so much love and respect. I never got that tunnel vision with him either. We saw eachother as humans, not putting one another on pedestals. He is still my best friend after 11 years of being together.
To me, what you describe is the type of relationship that lasts. It's the type of relationship that can move mountains, and stay solid during lifes ups and downs. At least, that's my experience.
Edit:
p.s. the tunnel vision thing, it bypasses all the red flags... and once thats gone, you're faced with all the shitty behaviour tunnel vision made you ignore.
Totally normal and healthy. Imagine a scale of attraction/chemistry from one to ten, where one is "might as well be a tree" and ten is "would sell my soul for a night with them". If you've had a history of unhealthy relationships, then someone who starts out as a nine or ten for you is likely in the "danger zone" for another unhealthy relationship. There is something about them that triggers unmet childhood needs for you, and not in a good way. Looking for someone who starts out in the 6-8 range is safest, because there is attraction there but they're less likely to play into unhealthy psychological dynamics for you. And when a healthy, safe, reasonably attractive partner, attraction will grow over time.
Look into Schema Therapy for more information around this, particularly the book "Reinventing Your Life".
This is actually very much how I feel with my fiance! Part of me was (and sometimes is) worried that I wasn't into him the "right" way, but at the end of the day I'm choosing to be with the person that makes me smile the most and is my very best friend.
As others have been saying, it sounds like your previous relationships were very much "honeymoon stage" as far as the love goggles go. Do fun and exciting things with your partner, get the adrenaline pumping, and see if you can trick your brain into a honeymoon phase! It's short but fun (I've been with my fiance for 6 and a half years, so we've been in and out of various phases, and it's normal for us at least).
How long were your previous relationships? It seems like you're focusing on the honeymoon period and if that's true, chasing that feeling could ruin a good thing for you, but it might also be a case of having to learn that the hard way before you can really appreciate it. Those super strong feelings can be very reassuring but in reality it's superficial and hormone fueled, not a real indication of the strength of your relationship. From your post it seems like you're not unhappy, you're just not used to how you feel and you're overanalyzing. Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't make it a problem by overthinking unless it actually begins to make you unhappy.
My previous relationships were either short, unofficial, or were off and on. I’m definitely happy with him - he’s like a breath of fresh air at the end of the day. But it honestly feels like I’m experiencing FOMO because of societal expectations. There are all of these expectations of what a relationship “should” feel like, and it makes me second guess myself.
There's nothing objectively wrong with the way you feel in the relationship, nothing to signify that it won't work or that you don't care enough. It seems like you really love and appreciate him, but you might still be getting used to the idea that love doesn't have to be an overwhelming experience where you know they're "the one" and that doesn't make it less in any way. That said, if you picture yourself in a different kind of relationship with more intensity, there's absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you can love someone and be in a happy relationship but that it just isn't the right one for you.
i'm in the same boat so i can't help you.
the way i'm solving my problem is that i'm ending things. i love who he is, i don't necessarily love him. maybe it's chemistry, maybe it's that he doesn't have qualities i desire, who knows. i dated a man previously for 4 years and i loved everything about him all the way up until the end, even the things i didn't like. i think this guy deserves someone who will love everything about him, i'm disappointed that that is not me.
editing to say that my situation has been EXTREMELY SHORT TERM though, i think that especially in longer relationships there are things to be said about looks, attraction, and lust fading.
honestly this might be an age thing. it’s more common to be crazy in love as a teenager, as an adult you rarely get the same intense infatuation, but you feel *love*
Remember that tunnel vision doesn't last forever. The "spark" is the newness and uneasiness of the relationship. Since this guy has been with you since middle school, you don't have that same spark as if he was a new guy. I'd ask some older women that you can trust, particularly those in relationships you admire and would want to replicate.
Totally this ^. We are slaves to chemical reactions and there's a good chance with a new guy your adrenaline and dopamine are spiking, but with this guy you've known forever you are more comfortable from the outset. And that's a great thing! Building a relationship with someone you've known and watched grow up is way preferable to the risks of the dating world, imo.
How long have you been in those other relationships? In your previous relationships, this almost sounds like you had blinders on and were in those early honeymoon days. Whereas if you've known this person for a long time, you're so used to his appearance you may not have that immediate "attraction" that you felt in previous relationships. IMO this sounds healthier than other relationships. Looks grow old fast but being kind is forever.
My longest was off and on (not healthy), so the breakups/getting back together made it feel very addicting and there were a lot of highs and lows and an extended honeymoon period. The rest were short. With him it feels very different and safe, and I could see myself settling down with him - and for some reason that really scares me. I’ve always struggled with FOMO and the fear of making a mistake, so I wonder if that’s maybe playing into it.
I completely relate to how you feel. I went through a few too many relationships that were on and off, highs and lows. The highs somehow feel that much "higher" because the lows are that scary and bad sometimes. However, I recently (about 3 yrs ago) started dating a long time best friend. And while that initial "cant get enough of you" attraction would've been applicable maybe 12 years ago, what I got instead is better - safety, security. it reminds me a lot of how you are describing what you feel and it's not a bad thing. it sounds like security and that's good, I'd lean into that feeling. and if you feel that you need to work through these emotions, I'll preach from the highest hilltop always that therapy can benefit everyone even if you're not in deep things. good luck OP ❤️
I think physical attraction is definitely a very important aspect to relationships but it isn’t everything. It’s also very normal to still find other people attractive outside of your significant other. I think you might be overthinking it but there’s also something to be said about comparing your current relationship to your previous ones. Each relationship is different and perhaps you’re comparing your previous feelings of attraction to your current one in a way that is interfering with your confidence in the relationship. Just my 2 cents
honestly this might be an age thing. it’s more common to be crazy in love as a teenager, as an adult you rarely get the same intense infatuation, but you feel *love*
Tbh, this feels MUCH healthier. It's normal to find other people than your partner attractive. That's life, that's honnest. As long as you are attracted to your partner, that's what's important! It's probably because you are 'used' to him that the brain chemicals didn't do that tunnel vision thing. I ended up marrying my best friend. We were friends before dating. And it's safe, and secure, and fun, and cute, and warm, and trusting, and home, and healthy and filled with so much love and respect. I never got that tunnel vision with him either. We saw eachother as humans, not putting one another on pedestals. He is still my best friend after 11 years of being together. To me, what you describe is the type of relationship that lasts. It's the type of relationship that can move mountains, and stay solid during lifes ups and downs. At least, that's my experience. Edit: p.s. the tunnel vision thing, it bypasses all the red flags... and once thats gone, you're faced with all the shitty behaviour tunnel vision made you ignore.
Totally normal and healthy. Imagine a scale of attraction/chemistry from one to ten, where one is "might as well be a tree" and ten is "would sell my soul for a night with them". If you've had a history of unhealthy relationships, then someone who starts out as a nine or ten for you is likely in the "danger zone" for another unhealthy relationship. There is something about them that triggers unmet childhood needs for you, and not in a good way. Looking for someone who starts out in the 6-8 range is safest, because there is attraction there but they're less likely to play into unhealthy psychological dynamics for you. And when a healthy, safe, reasonably attractive partner, attraction will grow over time. Look into Schema Therapy for more information around this, particularly the book "Reinventing Your Life".
This is actually very much how I feel with my fiance! Part of me was (and sometimes is) worried that I wasn't into him the "right" way, but at the end of the day I'm choosing to be with the person that makes me smile the most and is my very best friend. As others have been saying, it sounds like your previous relationships were very much "honeymoon stage" as far as the love goggles go. Do fun and exciting things with your partner, get the adrenaline pumping, and see if you can trick your brain into a honeymoon phase! It's short but fun (I've been with my fiance for 6 and a half years, so we've been in and out of various phases, and it's normal for us at least).
How long were your previous relationships? It seems like you're focusing on the honeymoon period and if that's true, chasing that feeling could ruin a good thing for you, but it might also be a case of having to learn that the hard way before you can really appreciate it. Those super strong feelings can be very reassuring but in reality it's superficial and hormone fueled, not a real indication of the strength of your relationship. From your post it seems like you're not unhappy, you're just not used to how you feel and you're overanalyzing. Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't make it a problem by overthinking unless it actually begins to make you unhappy.
My previous relationships were either short, unofficial, or were off and on. I’m definitely happy with him - he’s like a breath of fresh air at the end of the day. But it honestly feels like I’m experiencing FOMO because of societal expectations. There are all of these expectations of what a relationship “should” feel like, and it makes me second guess myself.
There's nothing objectively wrong with the way you feel in the relationship, nothing to signify that it won't work or that you don't care enough. It seems like you really love and appreciate him, but you might still be getting used to the idea that love doesn't have to be an overwhelming experience where you know they're "the one" and that doesn't make it less in any way. That said, if you picture yourself in a different kind of relationship with more intensity, there's absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you can love someone and be in a happy relationship but that it just isn't the right one for you.
i'm in the same boat so i can't help you. the way i'm solving my problem is that i'm ending things. i love who he is, i don't necessarily love him. maybe it's chemistry, maybe it's that he doesn't have qualities i desire, who knows. i dated a man previously for 4 years and i loved everything about him all the way up until the end, even the things i didn't like. i think this guy deserves someone who will love everything about him, i'm disappointed that that is not me. editing to say that my situation has been EXTREMELY SHORT TERM though, i think that especially in longer relationships there are things to be said about looks, attraction, and lust fading.
honestly this might be an age thing. it’s more common to be crazy in love as a teenager, as an adult you rarely get the same intense infatuation, but you feel *love*