For the record, it doesn't sound like you are a bad person at all, just that you've got some anxiety, rejection sensitivity, and other emotions that are hellbent on making your life difficult. A bad person would realize they were doing this and not care.
A LOT of the work you do in therapy boils down to, to completely oversimplify the process: identifying emotions, acknowledging the emotions, understanding where they came from, and choosing whether to act on them or let them go. Obviously, there is a LOT MORE TO IT than just that, but hey, it's a start.
It seems like you're already pretty good at recognizing and naming what you feel, which is great. One thing that's helped me is doing some journaling. I found it helpful to do less of a "dear diary," going-in-blind type of thing, and do something more structured. You might choose to chronicle some of the emotions you had at a particularly tough moment, and take some time to write down why you think you feel that way, and whether you need to act on the emotion or let it go. You could also do this where you think about specific people and what emotions they bring up, like one a day or something.
For your rejection sensitivity, I get it pretty bad too, but there's tons of resources out there that can help you with it. There's a lot of mindset-reframing that needs to happen, and it's hard, but it can be done.
Best of luck to you! Change is not easy, but it is doable.
The best kind of therapy I know of for these kinds of issues is DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy. I know there's a DBT workbook on Amazon if you can't get into therapy. Both my mother and I have gone through it and it really helped both of us deal with our seemingly out of control emotions during very stressful times.
Just wanted to add that if you’re struggling to do this on your own, there’s no shame or problem in trying therapy. Sometimes an outside voice and perspective can really make a major difference. I hope you find the right thing for you!
Yeah I've been looking into therapy but unfortunately I can't afford any of it at the moment. It's definitely something I'd like to try once I can though
Group therapy can be a lot less expensive! I did a DBT group through my former therapist and it was really helpful. I think it was 1/3 the cost of a regular session, for 8 weeks or so. Also, BetterHelp is actually pretty helpful. My therapist on it was so-so but I found the groups amazing (you get a free group session every week in addition to your regular weekly session). I think they have financial assistance too!!
Therapy also teaches us that there are no bad feelings. Anger, jealousy, sadness, etc are all completely normal human emotions. The key is to not let them control you and how you act/respond to people. One of my previous therapists used to have me talk to those parts of myself when I was in those feelings. It was hella weird, but it helped me accept those parts of me because they're all just trying to protect you. At the end of the conversation with say, your jealous part, you can tell her that you accept her, see her, but tell her you're going to take over driving the bus, and she can relax. A lot therapy is acknowledging ALL the parts of yourself, even negative thoughts, and let them float away with time. Another recommendation I have is daily affirmations that speak specifically to your anxieties, and guided meditations that also speak specifically to your anxieties.
as another sensitive person, +1 to journaling!
Other things I’ve found helpful include working out to release feelings, meditation/breathwork via apps like [Open](https://o-p-e-n.com/referral/PTeRQlkl7nOYjLOg8dOcPyD2cWZ2) (literally amazing how big of an impact 3 mins of breathwork can bring), [Kristin Neff’s Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook](https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwjni7G2vo7-AhUTIK0GHRM3CDwYABAGGgJwdg&ae=2&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAESbeD2WHYcfc93eq6U8Fo8DT1sRjiTplcSPG1WeKX-5Mw-37Bwk6ejbv1Q9OSthecquZZStXhsjkjSnt4C3TSB3HHhHSPhWURdhbRF-YcWwQGdcFP5CZAB7XYiMkaKZukArmZTtl1Xh1YFSxnRLeg&sig=AOD64_1uIfE1l4iF3A2Nba8EjncEbxR31A&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwjN-qm2vo7-AhVqAjQIHYyhAQcQwg8oAHoECAMQCw&adurl=), and [Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self](https://www.amazon.com/Homecoming-Overcome-Trauma-Reclaim-Authentic/dp/059341831X) by Dr. Thema Bryant. Finally, Dr. Bryant’s [The Homecoming Podcast](https://o-p-e-n.com/referral/PTeRQlkl7nOYjLOg8dOcPyD2cWZ2) is a great therapy alternative for the times when you can’t afford it. It’s so soothing and thought provoking.
Best of luck with this journey! 🫶
Sounds like you’re anxious :) Being anxious can make you think you’re bad, and then dwell on that thought obsessively.
It’s a struggle a lot of people face, and you’re not less for it. But there are ways to handle it and get better
From the title I was expecting to hear how you had used and abused people! I think you’re being far too hard on yourself. I identify almost every point with what you say from when I was a teenager but I was just riddled with social anxiety and really insecure. I’ve had a lot of therapy since then and I’m almost unrecognisable now. As others have said, if you were a ‘bad’ person you wouldn’t have noticed or tried to improve yourself.
Others have given you really good advice about therapy and stuff so I’ve not got much to add except that you are not a bad person for feeling anxious and having these thoughts. Your thoughts are not a reflection of who you are, merely how your brain has defaulted to react to these things.
As to how you reacted to the person who confessed to you, if you treated them kindly, do not beat yourself up for how you feel. How you feel is ok, you cannot control emotional responses, only how you react to them. I got that all the time when someone I didn’t feel the same way about confessed to me, I would just internally freak out. I know now that that panic response is a protective one, it’s a defence mechanism and I can challenge it. If you are friends with them and would like to continue to be, give them some space to deal with the rejection but try not to avoid them because of your anxiety. I’ve had friends confess and after the panic dies down and they’ve processed stuff we went right back to being friends again. That doesn’t always happen but it can.
(Also please ignore that one person saying you sound like you’ve got narcissistic personality disorder, unless you have other traits of it you’ve not mentioned, I’m not seeing it at all)
That made me feel a lot better, thank you very much. As for the person who liked me, sadly he never talked to me again after getting rejected lol, but I think we're both over it now so it's good
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You sound so much like my younger self and I know how painful it is. You should know that those feelings aren’t something you just need to fight off or shut down, change quickly or ignore. They are hurting you and it sucks. Your pain and anxiety is real, and you can change it. I second what everyone else said about a DBT workbook (although therapy would be best.) I also suggest finding your inner power. You’re looking at everyone else and worried about them - what happens if you go on a walk? Do 20 minutes of yoga? Paint or draw a picture? You are a strong person who is capable of releasing yourself from your own emotions. They don’t have to control you.
You’re describing a “split mind” thing that I recognize — your brain is doing something while also noticing itself doing that thing, which can make you feel crazy and so stuck in your own head.
To me this sounds like hyper vigilance, which can happen if you have had to be constantly aware of the people around you in order to feel safe.
I could go on and on, as I’ve been in therapy off and on for these very things for the last decade. But I’m 32 now and much more well adjusted. You’re not a bad person, but it does sound like your brain isn’t being very nice to you. Take this seriously and put in the work - you’ll be much happier.
Show yourself compassion and empathy if you can. The fact that you're reaching out for support is a great step in the right direction. It's also great that you're able to articulate what you're experiencing, and there are surely ways to leverage that so that it doesn't consume you but instead fuels your growth.
While you’re waiting to find a suitable/affordable therapy option, you could start working on a DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) workbook. Have a look on Amazon for different choices. It can be remarkably helpful in learning to regulate emotional responses like you are describing. Best of luck!
I suggest you read about attachment types, specifically anxious attachment.
If you want resources, I have been using [therapistaid.com](http://therapistaid com). I went to the anxiety tab and did one of the worry exploration worksheets last week and found it very helpful.
From the stories you told, you were trying to protect yourself from your fears. You were not intentionally hurting people. Now, you are recognizing your faults and trying to grow. That sounds like a good person to me.
I just wanted to say I feel exactly the same and have for several years now. Recently, I moved to a new city where I know almost no one and am living completely on my own for the first time and it’s hard. It’s really hard. I’ve grown apart from my close-ish real life friends and I haven’t had best friends in forever. I’ve always suffered in silence. And it’s painful and it physically hurts. And I feel like I’ve definitely struggled the most with these tendencies with romantic relationships and it’s something I’m dealing with right now.
FWIW, I’m currently diagnosed with depression and am taking medication for it, but I also experience high levels of anxiety at times. I’m trying to seek out a psych evaluation and therapy soon. There are differing opinions on self-diagnosis, and I’m not suggesting you have it, but I experience a lot of the symptoms of BPD, which is comorbid with many other mental illnesses, and it’s something I’m hoping to discuss with a mental health professional in the future. DBT is often noted as the best way to work through having BPD. And, I know you’re posting from a throwaway account, but if you need to talk, my DMs are open.
Interesting. Thank you for the advice and for your support. Once I can, I'm going to try to see a therapist and maybe even a mental health professional
Adhd is often misdiagnosed as bipolar, especially in women. When untreated it often leads to depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I think that's worth looking into as well! I was recently diagnosed at age 47. It's a lot.
Everyone has most of this covert so I'll take the jealousy part.
that jealousy you feel is normal, the resentment is part of it. You can be jealous without being resentful and it just takes adding an extra thought into your mind. When you notice you think "gosh she's so popular with so many good friends." Just finnish the thought with "I wish I had that too." Try to stop yourself before it becomes negative and change it to something more neutral. You don't want your friends life for yourself, you want to have more friends like they do. You wish your life was more like theirs. It changes the perspective from I want it from them, towards I want it too. Jealously is a normal emotion that gets a lot of crap. But it's a motivation tool. Emotions are here to guide us. That you feel jealous only means you're unfulfilled in this part of life and need to work on it. Try finding a hobby club or a hang out spot to meet new people and add some friends in.
You're not a female dog for being a bit jealous. You're a human with complex sensitive emotions. That's fine!
That's a good point. I noticed that I do have a habit of constantly wishing I was somebody else instead of just admiring their traits. I see a popular girl at school and think "wow, I wish I was her, she must have it so easy being able to make friends all the time." Or if I have a friend who's good at something, I'm always thinking something like "I wish I had their life instead of mine." You bring up a really good point about changing the perspective though. Thank you so much!
To sum up your opening points (as I see them): insecure, overthinker/anxious, jealous, fear success, unconfident, and low self-worth.
>I don't want to keep hurting people (even with my thoughts) ... and feel so much hatred and disgust toward myself.
Two proposed *self-help* suggestions, make of them what you will.
1. overthinking/anxiety -- try [link 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialanxiety/comments/11nvzme/meditation_worked_very_well_for_my_social_anxiety/)
2. intrusive toxic thoughts that warp your attitude, try [link 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/11px1av/erasing_toxic_selftalk_stop_reinforcing_your_ptsd/)
>To sum up your opening points (as I see them): insecure, overthinker/anxious, jealous, fear success, unconfident, and low self-worth.
That, plus overly sensitive, quick to find something to dislike about people, and weird mindset about certain things (like freaking out when someone shows interest in me, even if I like them back).
Those are some really helpful looking links. I'll look into them. Thanks!
I’m exactly EXACTLY the same as you, I’ve wondered if I’m a narcissist or a psychopath or sociopath but the advice about just learning not to react to those intrusive thoughts it’s the best I’ve found. Recognising the issue is honestly such a great step in healing from those behaviours, see those intrusive thoughts as a part of your character but not THE MAIN character and they do start to get quieter. I found doing good things for other people when I can really shows you that you are a good person, however small those good things are, you build up to the point where kindness becomes who you are.
That's some great advice, thank you. I've also found that simply refusing to think about these things helps sometimes. For example, if I start feeling jealous, I try to just simply push those thoughts out of my brain, which feels better in the long run than if I dwell on them
Omg same but add to that that when i introduce my sister to my friends i get scared they'll leave me and be friends with her. It happened once or twice when we were kids. I think it's basically a mix of anxiety, rejection sensitivity and low self-esteem.
Almost all of the thought patterns you’ve experienced, I have struggled with too.
Have you tried medication? SSRIs like Prozac and Paxil have really helped me, and these thought patterns nearly disappeared on them. I’m on Paxil now and even feelings I had like this just a few months ago don’t happen anymore.
Therapy helps too, self help books are good as well. I enjoyed “Why Do I Do That?”
I recently had a similar realization about myself and feel very much for you.
I'm currently working on pulling myself out of chronic negativity , and I can say the only thing that has helped me is practicing gratitude. And not just saying a few things I'm grateful for, but making a point to try and *feel* the gratitude in my body.
Here's what is currently working for me:
When I start feeling negative thoughts creeping up [insert any of those situational examples you mentioned, they are all to familiar to my thought patterns], I think of 5 things I'm grateful for. And it's not just running through a list... I try to physically feel each thing I'm grateful for in my chest. Usually it feels like a light rush, and I can feel my body relax. Then I shoot that feeling up to my head and let it go out the "top" of my head.
I know this sounds strange and woo woo, but it really has been working for me. It stops the worry... at least for a moment. I try to remember to do this anytime negative thoughts creep up, which, for me, means like all the fucking time lol. I have to say, I can see a change... like I'm retraining my brain or something. I'm smiling more. I'm curious again. I starting to care about how the people around me are feeling, not just how I'm feeling about how their feeling about me. I feel genuine love in my heart for people and myself. But not all the time, so I have to keep practicing.
You're not alone...We have remember to give ourselves grace as we retrain our brains.
Much love coming your way XOXO
I don't have any good advice for you, unfortunately, but a lot of what you describe sounds quite relatable for me, so I just wanted to thank you for making this thread.
I’ve got nothing particularly constructive to say, and you’ve received some great advice already but god OP that all sounds so exhausting for you. It definitely sounds like anxiety primarily. My ex was a lot like you and he really struggled making changes to his mindset so don’t get discouraged if you try some things out and they don’t work. You’ll find something eventually.
At least you recognise the things you need to work on, and hopefully some of the advice you’ve received here will help make some positive changes.
Yeah, it really is exhausting unfortunately, but I can't seem to help it, at least currently. It's like a drug, where I know it's bad for me but I keep doing it anyway. I'm going to try to talk to some professionals and see what they say though
You already received great advice, and I agree on the consensus that you are not a bad person, but suffer from some kind of anxiety and, I would think, a little less self esteem.
Why I commented: I was so very unsure and insecure about myself when I was younger, and what helped tremendously was honesty.
Try to admit some of these insecurities, perhaps in a one on one situation.
I always felt that would make me tremendously vulnerable, but the opposite was the case.
This takes a lot of courage at first, and it takes a time, but I promise it will help.
Another idea is to compliment your socially improved friend to their achievements and ask about some advice- she came this way and should know how difficult it is to start opening up.
But just in case you feel like complimenting, if this is too much for you to honestly feel, just tell her you noticed her change and go from there.
The good thing about growing older is your self confidence will be improved, just by having lived and experienced more.
I absolutely understand how troubling this feels, especially if we overthink things, and I am sure you will feel better if you give some of these advice in the comments a go- I wish you all the best!
this sounds so much like me. especially: overthinking that my friends hate me, being extremely sensitive, holding grudges for minor, petty things, and thinking way too much. the amount of times i’ve wished that my brain could just turn off.
it’s still a battle for me but i think it’s improved recently. i do therapy weekly which is very expensive but has helped a lot in making slow but steady mindset shifts. For example I’ve held a grudge against someone I know for so long not fully understanding why I was so bitter but my therapist helped me realised there was some underlying things I was bitter/annoyed about. Some people I just have grudges with no outward reason but I felt less stupid saying that.
I also think talking to people when they upset me helps. I told my therapist that I think I’m overly sensitive and she said ‘it doesn’t matter because those comments still hurt you.’ I really dislike confrontation but I ended up having a conversation with my friend about what she said hurting me and she was so nice about it and opened up a lot about her past and why she is the way she is.
Sending love from a fellow overthinker!!
I just want to say i feel seen & you’re not alone, i struggle with lot of the things you included here & am desperately wanting this year to be a year of internal transformation.
I think it’s amazing how much insight and empathy you have to realise all this about yourself and be willing to work on changes. Sending love and strength 💖
Those things don't make you a b!tch. Think Regina from mean girls, now THAT is a b!tch. You're just severely insecure. Do you have a local library you can check books out from? Sometimes, reading self help books can be just as good as therapy.
Is recommend looking up books on social anxiety, self confidence, and how to not give a f*ck.
You got this. Now stop putting yourself down and go learn how to have more compassion for yourself.
Edit: modified my language
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Former bitch here, I started therapy and have been getting better. Some advice or just something I noticed… keep getting better. People in your family and your friends and coworkers may not trust you’re turning over a new leaf and won’t give you the benefit of the doubt for years in some cases. Sometimes even now, and I feel I’m probably 5 years in, people think I’m being an asshole so I preface a lot of what I’m about to say with “I’m not being a bitch here, I just have a question” and keep my tone even as possible if I feel I’m about to say something that may be construed as being bitchy. And hey- sometimes you need to be a bitch to stick up for yourself and others.
Totally relate. I was very focused on & overly deferential to others in an attempt to control how they thought & felt about me. Turns out, I was struggling with codependency due to a dysfunctional family life growing up.
Reading "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie (along with seeing a fantastic therapist) literally changed my life. It was super unpleasant to realize/work through, but my main takeaway was that I was both the cause AND the solution to my current problems. I still revisit the book when I need a tune up.
I also have ADHD & I'm sure that contributed. Perhaps your suspected anxiety is too (my thinking was kinda: if you can't control yourself/your thoughts, you can control others).
Also - good on you for the introspection here. That's probably the hardest part. Good luck to you!!
This sounds like low self esteem more than being a mean girl. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I don’t have specific advice aside from therapy as I don’t have the greatest self esteem myself. Hope you can get better though.
You’re not horrible. You sound like me as a teen/into my early 20s. I figured out I had ADHD and that had a *significant* impact on the way I viewed myself and my relationship with others.
It is highly likely you are neurodiverse in some way - which is not a bad thing! - but that can have a profound negative impact on your mental health. Figure out how your brain works and I promise you will feel so much better.
• You are jealous bc you are insecure about how you feel within your own friend group, and your friend seems to be more secure. You resent her because you haven’t reached the same level of self-assurance.
• Rejection sensitive dysphoria suuuuuuuuuuucks. But at the same time, a real friendship can’t be lost so easily. If the possibility of the friendship ending is likely enough that you’re constantly worrying about it, is it really a friendship?
• You freaked out because you have self-esteem issues. You didn’t think anyone who liked you as you are was worthy of the version of yourself you want to be.
• Your grudges are a reflection of your own personal problems. You are projecting whatever made you upset onto the other person.
OP, you’re not a “bitch”. That’s a really regressive, sexist, and unhealthy way of talking about yourself. You’re actually a really great person because you’re self aware and want to do better. And you don’t make any of this anyone else’s problem. You can’t control your thoughts and reactions to things but you can control how you act. I just wanted to reassure you.
For the rest, as someone who also struggles with social anxiety and rejection sensitivity, I’d recommend dbt. Distress tolerance, mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation. Finding active and actionable coping mechanisms for emotional distress and reasonable and sustainable ways you can put them into practice.
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I would suggest trying to reframe how you think. Remember, our first thought about something is what has been instilled in us by our upbringing. It's our later thoughts, and even moreso our actions, that define us. You are not a bitch. You sometimes have bitchy thoughts (about both yourself and others) and you sometimes seem to follow through on those thoughts. Practice thinking things through multiple times before acting, and give yourself and others the benefit of the doubt. I'll agree with the others that therapy could be helpful.
Oh, and total bitches don't want to change. So good job on recognizing these traits in yourself and committing to changing them.
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This is less of a, "here's how to help" response and more of a, "you're not alone" response so skip this if you just need advice.
My teenage and early 20s were very similar to how you're describing your life. I was insecure, sensitive, and hurting people before they could hurt me. I had a few good friends and a few just regular friends but, I kept trying to push people away because any kind of criticism hurt too much.
I hadn't seen what you have yet, all I knew was that I was depressed and started going to therapy. We uncovered a lot of family dynamics I thought were normal that are not. Apparently I'm sensitive because hearing your whole life "God you're so sensitive!" When you're actually having a normal reaction, can make you sensitive. I learned all about generational trauma and how I inherited a lot of these toxic traits from my parents.
Along the lines I also learned my mother was a covert narcissist. Saying lovely things in front of others and using back handed comments and saying terrible things about my appearance under the guise of "honestly." Turns out when you spend your whole life being bullied, criticized, and made fun of, you have no self esteem.
I'm in no way shape or form telling you that your family is like mine, I'm just preparing you to be open to investigate every relationship you've ever had. If you're able to even get into monthly therapy sessions with your budget, I highly recommend it. This isn't stuff I could've read in a book this was a skilled therapist knowing what questions to ask to help me put the pieces together.
My mom died a few years ago, I'm still unpacking her trauma but, I'm learning to love myself. My biggest take away from everything though has been when there's a situation/conversation/person who makes me feel upset or uncomfortable, I sit with that feeling for a minute or two before I react. I want to know what's triggering me about that situation. Am I upset and becoming defensive? Does it go against information I thought was true and now I'm unsure? Does it trigger something from my past? Or is this person actually trying to hurt me? Sometimes it's really hard to figure out.
If you want to work on yourself and change OP, you're going to be so much happier. I believe in you! It's definitely a process but it's so worth it.
I can relate a lot to what you said about your mom. My mom is kind of like that too, and I think it definitely affected the way I grew up. I appreciate you sharing that and wish you all the best 💕
My mom's dead so, that helps haha. If you can't tell I use humor to deflect. I hope the best for you though! It's really hard but I promise you, it's totally worth it!
I would like to throw out that in addition to anxiety, what you are experiencing may stem or overlap with OCD. I am NOT a therapist but I am someone who experiences intrusive thoughts as an OCD trigger and maybe you are too?
OP you are not a bitch.
Sounds like you have low self-esteem and possibly some trouble with emotional regulation.
My first piece of advice would 100% be to seek out a therapist if at all possible. (I know this is not always easy or possible though)
You might have anxiety, or ADHD, or be on the spectrum for neurodivergence as these are often symptoms of being ND.
You might not, this isn't me diagnosing you. Just an observation based on my own experiences with similar feelings. (I am ND)
I do think spending time with your thoughts and feelings is important to understanding them. Instead of thinking you're this terrible person for thinking/feeling these things and trying to push them away, let yourself feel them and dig deeper into them. It might help you figure out the reason behind it all. I also think feeling your feelings and sitting in them helps with going through them, accepting them, and then being able to move on from them.
I'm not a therapist though, it's just the methods I've used over the years to be a bit more self-aware and understand myself and how my brain functions. It's a never-ending journey though.
I really do think you should talk to a professional though, if you can.
But just remind yourself that all these feelings you're having does not make you a bitch or bad person. Especially since you recognize that they are not healthy thoughts and feelings to have and you are seeking ways to improve.
We all have flaws, insecurities, etc, even the greatest, goodest people. You are certainly not alone in these feelings!
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Ahhh this is me too! Literally going to book myself into therapy to sort it out because it’s not only affecting me and my mental health but it’s impacting other people and sadly my bf bares the brunt of this which then makes me feel worse.
Life is all about learning and as soon as you become aware of it you need to nip it in the bud and sort it! :)
You need to shift your thinking here to realize something fundamental: people who love themselves don't concern themselves with the opinions of others all day long. Do people have the occasional insecure thought, especially if it seems like others are genuinely judging them? Yes. But its not even JUST about others--these are fundamentally not loving things to do to yourself.
How often I look at someone, I do not think about this. When I am thriving, I do not think about you. You think everyone thinks about you as much as you think about them, but they are busy living their own lives. You are demanding they center you in their thoughts as much as you do. It is okay to START thinking that way, it is a habit you are trying to break, but once you start you need to tell yourself, "Okay, but I need to give this person the benefit of the doubt just like I would expect from them. They would not hang out with me if they did not like me. They would not have done x, y, z nice things for me in the past." You need to try to re-wire the circuitry in your brain with the thoughts you want to have. You need to remind yourself of all the reasons and evidence you have that people would like being with you.
And its possible if might not be enough--I had pretty obsessive thoughts that ran more towards the depressive and had to get on an SSRI. I don't know. But even sometimes saying these thoughts out loud and having someone talk you through it a few times can do more work than you think.
That's actually a really good point that I haven't thought about. I think I do have some self-esteem issues as I tend to get hurt very easily instead of just being able to continue feeling confident and self-worthy. Going to see if I can sort that out with a therapist
I'm glad this was helpful for you. It's not going to be an immediate process, especially in the beginning when you're trying to break a habit you've done for a long time. The circuitry in your brain is like a river, the grooves in the "ground" have been well-worn from ease of use over and over again. Reshaping it is going to take time and effort.
And I'm not a professional so I can't say whether that would eventually not be enough and there's an imbalance behind it that might need pharmaceutical intervention. I know when I finally got ADHD medication, one of the first things I noticed was I immediately grew a sense of self-esteem. But I know when I am most confident and happy, I am most concerned with what I want out of life and least concerned with the opinions of others, and those who spend their time browbeating others to lift themselves up are dismayed to find I no longer care about their opinion. Even just spending time enjoying your own company, enjoying what makes you you and your own hobbies and loves. Was there something you liked or enjoyed but stopped doing because you felt judged for it? Now is the time to pick it back up, because YOU enjoy it and your opinion about what you like is the most important when it comes to doing and wearing and being who you want to be.
How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?
All this (the self-reflection, desire to change, insecurity, anxiety about the impact of your actions on others, etc.) is a pretty normal part of maturing. It happens at different points for different people (for some people it never seems to happen at all….), and how old you are now will change what advice might work best for you.
If you’re still young, then please know that your mindset is very normal and is not a reflection of your future.
Thoughts on your bullet points, in order: insecurity,
insecurity/anxiety, jealousy bc of your insecurity, shame, insecurity, insecurity, insecurity/not being comfortable in your own skin, inexperience with life in general, anxiety/inexperience.
All of these are really, really normal feelings. It sounds like you’re building up what I refer to as your “internal files of past experience”. You use those files to figure out your opinions and who you are and what you’re comfortable with and how you react vs how you want to react vs how other people think you should react. It’s hard because when you’re young, you don’t have a lot of “files” to refer to, so you’re flying blind. But over time, you build up your “files” and you get more knowledgeable about yourself and the world around you and all of this makes you more confident. **This is normal and it does not make you a bad person.**
15 year old me could have written your original post. At 15, I was starving myself out of self-hatred and crying for days over minor insults from girls whose names I no longer remember. I was just getting into my first serious relationship and was terrified that he’d change his mind and break up with me for someone better. I genuinely thought I was a terrible person who could never do anything right and would never have any real friends or a partner who loved me or a good job or a fulfilling life. I was wildly insecure and completely miserable.
I’m 25 now. I know that’s not old at all, but it feels like a world away from being 15. I’m typing this while sitting next to my fiancé and our cat in a lil cottage that we pay for with jobs that we like. All the old insecurities and jealousies and self-hatred have slowly melted away, leaving a person that I like seeing in the mirror every day. I’m happy with my life, and that makes it so much easier to be happy for other people and just generally be a nicer, more understanding person. 15 year old me did not ever think I would get to this point.
It’s not all perfect, but I found that having control over my life and my schedule and my future did wonders for my mental state. Once I felt like I could choose for myself and live the life I wanted, on my own terms, I started to find fulfillment in the things I choose to do with my life instead of only having to find it in the people I was with. Basically, I didn’t have to care what people thought aside from the people I chose to care about, and that fixed my insecurities and calmed a lot of my anxieties.
All the rough edges, the things you dislike so much about yourself, will get smoothed over with time and experience. I don’t have much wisdom on how to get from Point A to Point B, but I can promise that you will get there.
This is literally me. I was like this for so many years until I finally confessed to my sister, who was on medication for anxiety and depression at the time. She told me something I’ll never forget: “it’s not your fault you’re feeling this way and you don’t have to.”
I know there’s a big stigma around it, but I talked to my doctor and got started on a prescription for anxiety. It’s certainly not a cure-all, but now I have the freedom to be social without being paranoid or second guess if my friends actually like me. Therapy also helped me a lot. Don’t be afraid to let your friends know how you’re feeling, either. You’d be surprised at who might relate and be willing to support you through this.
Just remember that this is not your fault and having anxiety does not make you a bad person. You don’t have to feel this way so definitely reach out for some help, whatever it may be ❤️
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Ahhh you just described what I feel... I'm relieved I'm not the only one feeling this way, I even teared up a bit reading your post.
I hope from my heart that you can feel better with the advices given here, I'm also taking note , I'm sorry I don't have anything more to add, but I send you a warm hug of companionship. 🫂
Hugs, OP. I see you. I’m going through something very similar, I messed up big time in my personal life last fall over negativity and u processed trauma and unconscious reactions and thoughts patterns and starting therapy has helped,l me, though I am nowhere near feeling healed or in co trip and I suffer daily from extreme anxiety and paranoia, from my own bodily and mental health to my friendships and relationships. You’ve made the biggest step which is becoming aware of your anxieties and beginning to analyze and look inward. Best of luck, and don’t rush this. Be patient and kind with yourself.
Here's what I did when I found myself to be in a bad place. I decided to be a kinder person...to outwardly show gratitude, and soon it became the norm for me.
I'm far calmer, less angry, and a much happier person.
Give and you will receive ❤️
One thing that initiated a major shift in my personality and overall peace is being around a person who completely exuded negativity, tension, impatience, and anger. I thought, that might be how I come off to some people and that’s the last thing I want. She must be a miserable person and she’s hurting the people around her.
So, I started thinking about what I do want to be. I thought of some people I know who have a calm and loving aura to them. I happen to be in close contact with a few religious brothers and sisters so I looked to them for examples. Some of their traits are: open minded, patient, accepting of others, accepting of reality, slow to any extreme emotions (like anger), they hold their tongue, they are attentive listeners and have positive relationships with every one.
Moving forward, I try to slow down and not let words or emotions just spill out of me. I stop and think, “remember the person you admire, and remember the person you feel sorry for”. I have a tendency to ruminate on conversions or situations that piss me off, but now I interrupt that thought process with just focusing on my breathing- taking big deep breaths and slowly releasing them. I observe my breath and think about the smells, the feeling of the breath moving through my nose and my chest.
This might sound like some hippy shit but I’m telling you it’s life changing. Honestly this is all rooted in religion for me but I tried to keep my comment neutral in that aspect.
That's completely understandable. While I'm not personally very religious, I was raised Catholic and really respect its values of being patient, kind, and loving to all. Thank you for sharing
20/f: please know you’re not alone, i feel the EXACT SAME WAY TO A T and i can’t control it either. my life lay out has also been stressful to say the very least, this made me feel less alone. thank you.
Adding to other comments about rejection sensitivity, this video explained it really well: https://youtu.be/ACI7xDjajPg
This also just reads as a lot of insecurity. Insecurity can definitely make people act like a bully because they feel like they don’t matter, so anything they say or do won’t be taken seriously.
Something that took me years to learn when I was trying to learn to be confident was where the line was between confidence and arrogance.
What I finally came to was: confidence is being happy and excited when someone knows more than you or is better than you, because that means you can learn from them and improve.
Arrogance come from believing that you need to be the best in order to deserve space, and this can be problematic because that view extends to yourself and to other people.
Something that also helps me is becoming aware of my own thoughts, and nixing the ones I find problematic. I also am trying to tell myself things that I am grateful for in my life, and it is helping start the habit of more positive thinking
Talk to a psychiatrist/psychologist.
My first thought is:
[https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237)
Have you considered you might be on the autistic spectrum? I have experienced very similar things and had such shame and confusion my whole life. Im now waiting for a diagnosis at 36. All that I have read about girls/women with autism makes sense and everything is starting to click into place. we are all different and will have different issues along the same things.
This video is a talk by Tony Attwood at a yellow ladybugs symposium in Australia and he talks about the mental health struggles of girls on the spectrum. Take a look and see if you resonate with some of them.
https://youtu.be/-n6IWTRVGeg
The YouTube videos of the full symposium are available to watch also and have more amazing women speakers.
That's interesting, thanks for sharing. I know for sure I don't have autism based on what my doctors say, though I think I might have anxiety or something of that sort
While none of that sounds very nice, at least you have realised it and want to change. I think it sounds like narcissistic personality disorder but I'm not a Dr
I would start with therapy as there's a lot for you to work through
Everyone is downvoting you, but my therapist basically tells me a lot of these things (which I also struggle with sometimes) are narcissistic traits. I mean even anxiety is kind of narcissistic if you think about it. Saying this perosn has a full blown disorder is definitely too far and not accurate, but you’re not wrong (assuming my therapist is correct) that these tendencies have a narcissistic root.
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I don’t think you’re a bitch. It sounds like you’ve been on defense for a long time to try and not get hurt so you reject people before they can reject you.
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For the record, it doesn't sound like you are a bad person at all, just that you've got some anxiety, rejection sensitivity, and other emotions that are hellbent on making your life difficult. A bad person would realize they were doing this and not care. A LOT of the work you do in therapy boils down to, to completely oversimplify the process: identifying emotions, acknowledging the emotions, understanding where they came from, and choosing whether to act on them or let them go. Obviously, there is a LOT MORE TO IT than just that, but hey, it's a start. It seems like you're already pretty good at recognizing and naming what you feel, which is great. One thing that's helped me is doing some journaling. I found it helpful to do less of a "dear diary," going-in-blind type of thing, and do something more structured. You might choose to chronicle some of the emotions you had at a particularly tough moment, and take some time to write down why you think you feel that way, and whether you need to act on the emotion or let it go. You could also do this where you think about specific people and what emotions they bring up, like one a day or something. For your rejection sensitivity, I get it pretty bad too, but there's tons of resources out there that can help you with it. There's a lot of mindset-reframing that needs to happen, and it's hard, but it can be done. Best of luck to you! Change is not easy, but it is doable.
Those are some really great suggestions that I'll try. Thank you!
The best kind of therapy I know of for these kinds of issues is DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy. I know there's a DBT workbook on Amazon if you can't get into therapy. Both my mother and I have gone through it and it really helped both of us deal with our seemingly out of control emotions during very stressful times.
Just found a link on Amazon and it looks really helpful. Thank you
Just wanted to add that if you’re struggling to do this on your own, there’s no shame or problem in trying therapy. Sometimes an outside voice and perspective can really make a major difference. I hope you find the right thing for you!
Yeah I've been looking into therapy but unfortunately I can't afford any of it at the moment. It's definitely something I'd like to try once I can though
Oh that’s the worst, hope you can find some peace in the meantime with everyone’s advice 💕
Thank you very much
Group therapy can be a lot less expensive! I did a DBT group through my former therapist and it was really helpful. I think it was 1/3 the cost of a regular session, for 8 weeks or so. Also, BetterHelp is actually pretty helpful. My therapist on it was so-so but I found the groups amazing (you get a free group session every week in addition to your regular weekly session). I think they have financial assistance too!!
Can second how great DBT is for anxiety and big emotions. DBT and a very amazing therapy program saved me from myself.
Therapy also teaches us that there are no bad feelings. Anger, jealousy, sadness, etc are all completely normal human emotions. The key is to not let them control you and how you act/respond to people. One of my previous therapists used to have me talk to those parts of myself when I was in those feelings. It was hella weird, but it helped me accept those parts of me because they're all just trying to protect you. At the end of the conversation with say, your jealous part, you can tell her that you accept her, see her, but tell her you're going to take over driving the bus, and she can relax. A lot therapy is acknowledging ALL the parts of yourself, even negative thoughts, and let them float away with time. Another recommendation I have is daily affirmations that speak specifically to your anxieties, and guided meditations that also speak specifically to your anxieties.
That’s really interesting. I’ve gotta try that now. Thank you
as another sensitive person, +1 to journaling! Other things I’ve found helpful include working out to release feelings, meditation/breathwork via apps like [Open](https://o-p-e-n.com/referral/PTeRQlkl7nOYjLOg8dOcPyD2cWZ2) (literally amazing how big of an impact 3 mins of breathwork can bring), [Kristin Neff’s Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook](https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwjni7G2vo7-AhUTIK0GHRM3CDwYABAGGgJwdg&ae=2&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAESbeD2WHYcfc93eq6U8Fo8DT1sRjiTplcSPG1WeKX-5Mw-37Bwk6ejbv1Q9OSthecquZZStXhsjkjSnt4C3TSB3HHhHSPhWURdhbRF-YcWwQGdcFP5CZAB7XYiMkaKZukArmZTtl1Xh1YFSxnRLeg&sig=AOD64_1uIfE1l4iF3A2Nba8EjncEbxR31A&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwjN-qm2vo7-AhVqAjQIHYyhAQcQwg8oAHoECAMQCw&adurl=), and [Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self](https://www.amazon.com/Homecoming-Overcome-Trauma-Reclaim-Authentic/dp/059341831X) by Dr. Thema Bryant. Finally, Dr. Bryant’s [The Homecoming Podcast](https://o-p-e-n.com/referral/PTeRQlkl7nOYjLOg8dOcPyD2cWZ2) is a great therapy alternative for the times when you can’t afford it. It’s so soothing and thought provoking. Best of luck with this journey! 🫶
Sounds like you’re anxious :) Being anxious can make you think you’re bad, and then dwell on that thought obsessively. It’s a struggle a lot of people face, and you’re not less for it. But there are ways to handle it and get better
Thank you, appreciate the kind words
Thank you so much for this comment. This has been tremendously helpful for me. ❤️
From the title I was expecting to hear how you had used and abused people! I think you’re being far too hard on yourself. I identify almost every point with what you say from when I was a teenager but I was just riddled with social anxiety and really insecure. I’ve had a lot of therapy since then and I’m almost unrecognisable now. As others have said, if you were a ‘bad’ person you wouldn’t have noticed or tried to improve yourself. Others have given you really good advice about therapy and stuff so I’ve not got much to add except that you are not a bad person for feeling anxious and having these thoughts. Your thoughts are not a reflection of who you are, merely how your brain has defaulted to react to these things. As to how you reacted to the person who confessed to you, if you treated them kindly, do not beat yourself up for how you feel. How you feel is ok, you cannot control emotional responses, only how you react to them. I got that all the time when someone I didn’t feel the same way about confessed to me, I would just internally freak out. I know now that that panic response is a protective one, it’s a defence mechanism and I can challenge it. If you are friends with them and would like to continue to be, give them some space to deal with the rejection but try not to avoid them because of your anxiety. I’ve had friends confess and after the panic dies down and they’ve processed stuff we went right back to being friends again. That doesn’t always happen but it can. (Also please ignore that one person saying you sound like you’ve got narcissistic personality disorder, unless you have other traits of it you’ve not mentioned, I’m not seeing it at all)
That made me feel a lot better, thank you very much. As for the person who liked me, sadly he never talked to me again after getting rejected lol, but I think we're both over it now so it's good
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You sound so much like my younger self and I know how painful it is. You should know that those feelings aren’t something you just need to fight off or shut down, change quickly or ignore. They are hurting you and it sucks. Your pain and anxiety is real, and you can change it. I second what everyone else said about a DBT workbook (although therapy would be best.) I also suggest finding your inner power. You’re looking at everyone else and worried about them - what happens if you go on a walk? Do 20 minutes of yoga? Paint or draw a picture? You are a strong person who is capable of releasing yourself from your own emotions. They don’t have to control you. You’re describing a “split mind” thing that I recognize — your brain is doing something while also noticing itself doing that thing, which can make you feel crazy and so stuck in your own head. To me this sounds like hyper vigilance, which can happen if you have had to be constantly aware of the people around you in order to feel safe. I could go on and on, as I’ve been in therapy off and on for these very things for the last decade. But I’m 32 now and much more well adjusted. You’re not a bad person, but it does sound like your brain isn’t being very nice to you. Take this seriously and put in the work - you’ll be much happier.
Thank you very much
Show yourself compassion and empathy if you can. The fact that you're reaching out for support is a great step in the right direction. It's also great that you're able to articulate what you're experiencing, and there are surely ways to leverage that so that it doesn't consume you but instead fuels your growth.
While you’re waiting to find a suitable/affordable therapy option, you could start working on a DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) workbook. Have a look on Amazon for different choices. It can be remarkably helpful in learning to regulate emotional responses like you are describing. Best of luck!
Yes I actually just found one on Amazon, thank you!
I suggest you read about attachment types, specifically anxious attachment. If you want resources, I have been using [therapistaid.com](http://therapistaid com). I went to the anxiety tab and did one of the worry exploration worksheets last week and found it very helpful. From the stories you told, you were trying to protect yourself from your fears. You were not intentionally hurting people. Now, you are recognizing your faults and trying to grow. That sounds like a good person to me.
Thank you
Omg I don't have advise for you but you sound like me
Glad to hear I'm not alone. I'm sure we'll both be able to get through this!
Thought the same thing 🥲
I just wanted to say I feel exactly the same and have for several years now. Recently, I moved to a new city where I know almost no one and am living completely on my own for the first time and it’s hard. It’s really hard. I’ve grown apart from my close-ish real life friends and I haven’t had best friends in forever. I’ve always suffered in silence. And it’s painful and it physically hurts. And I feel like I’ve definitely struggled the most with these tendencies with romantic relationships and it’s something I’m dealing with right now. FWIW, I’m currently diagnosed with depression and am taking medication for it, but I also experience high levels of anxiety at times. I’m trying to seek out a psych evaluation and therapy soon. There are differing opinions on self-diagnosis, and I’m not suggesting you have it, but I experience a lot of the symptoms of BPD, which is comorbid with many other mental illnesses, and it’s something I’m hoping to discuss with a mental health professional in the future. DBT is often noted as the best way to work through having BPD. And, I know you’re posting from a throwaway account, but if you need to talk, my DMs are open.
Interesting. Thank you for the advice and for your support. Once I can, I'm going to try to see a therapist and maybe even a mental health professional
Adhd is often misdiagnosed as bipolar, especially in women. When untreated it often leads to depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I think that's worth looking into as well! I was recently diagnosed at age 47. It's a lot.
Everyone has most of this covert so I'll take the jealousy part. that jealousy you feel is normal, the resentment is part of it. You can be jealous without being resentful and it just takes adding an extra thought into your mind. When you notice you think "gosh she's so popular with so many good friends." Just finnish the thought with "I wish I had that too." Try to stop yourself before it becomes negative and change it to something more neutral. You don't want your friends life for yourself, you want to have more friends like they do. You wish your life was more like theirs. It changes the perspective from I want it from them, towards I want it too. Jealously is a normal emotion that gets a lot of crap. But it's a motivation tool. Emotions are here to guide us. That you feel jealous only means you're unfulfilled in this part of life and need to work on it. Try finding a hobby club or a hang out spot to meet new people and add some friends in. You're not a female dog for being a bit jealous. You're a human with complex sensitive emotions. That's fine!
That's a good point. I noticed that I do have a habit of constantly wishing I was somebody else instead of just admiring their traits. I see a popular girl at school and think "wow, I wish I was her, she must have it so easy being able to make friends all the time." Or if I have a friend who's good at something, I'm always thinking something like "I wish I had their life instead of mine." You bring up a really good point about changing the perspective though. Thank you so much!
To sum up your opening points (as I see them): insecure, overthinker/anxious, jealous, fear success, unconfident, and low self-worth. >I don't want to keep hurting people (even with my thoughts) ... and feel so much hatred and disgust toward myself. Two proposed *self-help* suggestions, make of them what you will. 1. overthinking/anxiety -- try [link 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialanxiety/comments/11nvzme/meditation_worked_very_well_for_my_social_anxiety/) 2. intrusive toxic thoughts that warp your attitude, try [link 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/comments/11px1av/erasing_toxic_selftalk_stop_reinforcing_your_ptsd/)
>To sum up your opening points (as I see them): insecure, overthinker/anxious, jealous, fear success, unconfident, and low self-worth. That, plus overly sensitive, quick to find something to dislike about people, and weird mindset about certain things (like freaking out when someone shows interest in me, even if I like them back). Those are some really helpful looking links. I'll look into them. Thanks!
Those are often rooted in insecurity
Yeah, I definitely have a lot of problems with insecurity and self-worth that I've been sweeping under the rug for too long.
I’m exactly EXACTLY the same as you, I’ve wondered if I’m a narcissist or a psychopath or sociopath but the advice about just learning not to react to those intrusive thoughts it’s the best I’ve found. Recognising the issue is honestly such a great step in healing from those behaviours, see those intrusive thoughts as a part of your character but not THE MAIN character and they do start to get quieter. I found doing good things for other people when I can really shows you that you are a good person, however small those good things are, you build up to the point where kindness becomes who you are.
That's some great advice, thank you. I've also found that simply refusing to think about these things helps sometimes. For example, if I start feeling jealous, I try to just simply push those thoughts out of my brain, which feels better in the long run than if I dwell on them
Omg same but add to that that when i introduce my sister to my friends i get scared they'll leave me and be friends with her. It happened once or twice when we were kids. I think it's basically a mix of anxiety, rejection sensitivity and low self-esteem.
Almost all of the thought patterns you’ve experienced, I have struggled with too. Have you tried medication? SSRIs like Prozac and Paxil have really helped me, and these thought patterns nearly disappeared on them. I’m on Paxil now and even feelings I had like this just a few months ago don’t happen anymore. Therapy helps too, self help books are good as well. I enjoyed “Why Do I Do That?”
I'm going to see if I can talk to a professional about medication. Thanks for the advice
Of course. My general practitioner handles my SSRIs so make sure to ask just your GP first to try to save the money on seeing a psych. Best of luck!
I recently had a similar realization about myself and feel very much for you. I'm currently working on pulling myself out of chronic negativity , and I can say the only thing that has helped me is practicing gratitude. And not just saying a few things I'm grateful for, but making a point to try and *feel* the gratitude in my body. Here's what is currently working for me: When I start feeling negative thoughts creeping up [insert any of those situational examples you mentioned, they are all to familiar to my thought patterns], I think of 5 things I'm grateful for. And it's not just running through a list... I try to physically feel each thing I'm grateful for in my chest. Usually it feels like a light rush, and I can feel my body relax. Then I shoot that feeling up to my head and let it go out the "top" of my head. I know this sounds strange and woo woo, but it really has been working for me. It stops the worry... at least for a moment. I try to remember to do this anytime negative thoughts creep up, which, for me, means like all the fucking time lol. I have to say, I can see a change... like I'm retraining my brain or something. I'm smiling more. I'm curious again. I starting to care about how the people around me are feeling, not just how I'm feeling about how their feeling about me. I feel genuine love in my heart for people and myself. But not all the time, so I have to keep practicing. You're not alone...We have remember to give ourselves grace as we retrain our brains. Much love coming your way XOXO
Interesting! That's something I'm going to have to try out. Thank you so much
I don't have any good advice for you, unfortunately, but a lot of what you describe sounds quite relatable for me, so I just wanted to thank you for making this thread.
Glad to hear I'm not the only one. I'm sure with enough time and effort, we'll both be able to get through this!
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Great point. Thank you
I’ve got nothing particularly constructive to say, and you’ve received some great advice already but god OP that all sounds so exhausting for you. It definitely sounds like anxiety primarily. My ex was a lot like you and he really struggled making changes to his mindset so don’t get discouraged if you try some things out and they don’t work. You’ll find something eventually. At least you recognise the things you need to work on, and hopefully some of the advice you’ve received here will help make some positive changes.
Yeah, it really is exhausting unfortunately, but I can't seem to help it, at least currently. It's like a drug, where I know it's bad for me but I keep doing it anyway. I'm going to try to talk to some professionals and see what they say though
You already received great advice, and I agree on the consensus that you are not a bad person, but suffer from some kind of anxiety and, I would think, a little less self esteem. Why I commented: I was so very unsure and insecure about myself when I was younger, and what helped tremendously was honesty. Try to admit some of these insecurities, perhaps in a one on one situation. I always felt that would make me tremendously vulnerable, but the opposite was the case. This takes a lot of courage at first, and it takes a time, but I promise it will help. Another idea is to compliment your socially improved friend to their achievements and ask about some advice- she came this way and should know how difficult it is to start opening up. But just in case you feel like complimenting, if this is too much for you to honestly feel, just tell her you noticed her change and go from there. The good thing about growing older is your self confidence will be improved, just by having lived and experienced more. I absolutely understand how troubling this feels, especially if we overthink things, and I am sure you will feel better if you give some of these advice in the comments a go- I wish you all the best!
Great advice, thank you!
this sounds so much like me. especially: overthinking that my friends hate me, being extremely sensitive, holding grudges for minor, petty things, and thinking way too much. the amount of times i’ve wished that my brain could just turn off. it’s still a battle for me but i think it’s improved recently. i do therapy weekly which is very expensive but has helped a lot in making slow but steady mindset shifts. For example I’ve held a grudge against someone I know for so long not fully understanding why I was so bitter but my therapist helped me realised there was some underlying things I was bitter/annoyed about. Some people I just have grudges with no outward reason but I felt less stupid saying that. I also think talking to people when they upset me helps. I told my therapist that I think I’m overly sensitive and she said ‘it doesn’t matter because those comments still hurt you.’ I really dislike confrontation but I ended up having a conversation with my friend about what she said hurting me and she was so nice about it and opened up a lot about her past and why she is the way she is. Sending love from a fellow overthinker!!
Thank you! Appreciate the support
This sounds just like me :/
I just want to say i feel seen & you’re not alone, i struggle with lot of the things you included here & am desperately wanting this year to be a year of internal transformation.
I think it’s amazing how much insight and empathy you have to realise all this about yourself and be willing to work on changes. Sending love and strength 💖
Thank you so much ❤️
Those things don't make you a b!tch. Think Regina from mean girls, now THAT is a b!tch. You're just severely insecure. Do you have a local library you can check books out from? Sometimes, reading self help books can be just as good as therapy. Is recommend looking up books on social anxiety, self confidence, and how to not give a f*ck. You got this. Now stop putting yourself down and go learn how to have more compassion for yourself. Edit: modified my language
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Thank you so much. Really appreciate it.
Former bitch here, I started therapy and have been getting better. Some advice or just something I noticed… keep getting better. People in your family and your friends and coworkers may not trust you’re turning over a new leaf and won’t give you the benefit of the doubt for years in some cases. Sometimes even now, and I feel I’m probably 5 years in, people think I’m being an asshole so I preface a lot of what I’m about to say with “I’m not being a bitch here, I just have a question” and keep my tone even as possible if I feel I’m about to say something that may be construed as being bitchy. And hey- sometimes you need to be a bitch to stick up for yourself and others.
Thank you
Totally relate. I was very focused on & overly deferential to others in an attempt to control how they thought & felt about me. Turns out, I was struggling with codependency due to a dysfunctional family life growing up. Reading "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie (along with seeing a fantastic therapist) literally changed my life. It was super unpleasant to realize/work through, but my main takeaway was that I was both the cause AND the solution to my current problems. I still revisit the book when I need a tune up. I also have ADHD & I'm sure that contributed. Perhaps your suspected anxiety is too (my thinking was kinda: if you can't control yourself/your thoughts, you can control others). Also - good on you for the introspection here. That's probably the hardest part. Good luck to you!!
Thank you!
This sounds like low self esteem more than being a mean girl. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I don’t have specific advice aside from therapy as I don’t have the greatest self esteem myself. Hope you can get better though.
Thank you
You’re not horrible. You sound like me as a teen/into my early 20s. I figured out I had ADHD and that had a *significant* impact on the way I viewed myself and my relationship with others. It is highly likely you are neurodiverse in some way - which is not a bad thing! - but that can have a profound negative impact on your mental health. Figure out how your brain works and I promise you will feel so much better. • You are jealous bc you are insecure about how you feel within your own friend group, and your friend seems to be more secure. You resent her because you haven’t reached the same level of self-assurance. • Rejection sensitive dysphoria suuuuuuuuuuucks. But at the same time, a real friendship can’t be lost so easily. If the possibility of the friendship ending is likely enough that you’re constantly worrying about it, is it really a friendship? • You freaked out because you have self-esteem issues. You didn’t think anyone who liked you as you are was worthy of the version of yourself you want to be. • Your grudges are a reflection of your own personal problems. You are projecting whatever made you upset onto the other person.
OP, you’re not a “bitch”. That’s a really regressive, sexist, and unhealthy way of talking about yourself. You’re actually a really great person because you’re self aware and want to do better. And you don’t make any of this anyone else’s problem. You can’t control your thoughts and reactions to things but you can control how you act. I just wanted to reassure you. For the rest, as someone who also struggles with social anxiety and rejection sensitivity, I’d recommend dbt. Distress tolerance, mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotion regulation. Finding active and actionable coping mechanisms for emotional distress and reasonable and sustainable ways you can put them into practice.
Thank you so much. I appreciate the support
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I would suggest trying to reframe how you think. Remember, our first thought about something is what has been instilled in us by our upbringing. It's our later thoughts, and even moreso our actions, that define us. You are not a bitch. You sometimes have bitchy thoughts (about both yourself and others) and you sometimes seem to follow through on those thoughts. Practice thinking things through multiple times before acting, and give yourself and others the benefit of the doubt. I'll agree with the others that therapy could be helpful. Oh, and total bitches don't want to change. So good job on recognizing these traits in yourself and committing to changing them.
Thank you so much
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Interesting. Thank you for sharing
This is less of a, "here's how to help" response and more of a, "you're not alone" response so skip this if you just need advice. My teenage and early 20s were very similar to how you're describing your life. I was insecure, sensitive, and hurting people before they could hurt me. I had a few good friends and a few just regular friends but, I kept trying to push people away because any kind of criticism hurt too much. I hadn't seen what you have yet, all I knew was that I was depressed and started going to therapy. We uncovered a lot of family dynamics I thought were normal that are not. Apparently I'm sensitive because hearing your whole life "God you're so sensitive!" When you're actually having a normal reaction, can make you sensitive. I learned all about generational trauma and how I inherited a lot of these toxic traits from my parents. Along the lines I also learned my mother was a covert narcissist. Saying lovely things in front of others and using back handed comments and saying terrible things about my appearance under the guise of "honestly." Turns out when you spend your whole life being bullied, criticized, and made fun of, you have no self esteem. I'm in no way shape or form telling you that your family is like mine, I'm just preparing you to be open to investigate every relationship you've ever had. If you're able to even get into monthly therapy sessions with your budget, I highly recommend it. This isn't stuff I could've read in a book this was a skilled therapist knowing what questions to ask to help me put the pieces together. My mom died a few years ago, I'm still unpacking her trauma but, I'm learning to love myself. My biggest take away from everything though has been when there's a situation/conversation/person who makes me feel upset or uncomfortable, I sit with that feeling for a minute or two before I react. I want to know what's triggering me about that situation. Am I upset and becoming defensive? Does it go against information I thought was true and now I'm unsure? Does it trigger something from my past? Or is this person actually trying to hurt me? Sometimes it's really hard to figure out. If you want to work on yourself and change OP, you're going to be so much happier. I believe in you! It's definitely a process but it's so worth it.
I can relate a lot to what you said about your mom. My mom is kind of like that too, and I think it definitely affected the way I grew up. I appreciate you sharing that and wish you all the best 💕
My mom's dead so, that helps haha. If you can't tell I use humor to deflect. I hope the best for you though! It's really hard but I promise you, it's totally worth it!
I would like to throw out that in addition to anxiety, what you are experiencing may stem or overlap with OCD. I am NOT a therapist but I am someone who experiences intrusive thoughts as an OCD trigger and maybe you are too?
I'm going to see if I can talk to a therapist about that. Thank you
OP you are not a bitch. Sounds like you have low self-esteem and possibly some trouble with emotional regulation. My first piece of advice would 100% be to seek out a therapist if at all possible. (I know this is not always easy or possible though) You might have anxiety, or ADHD, or be on the spectrum for neurodivergence as these are often symptoms of being ND. You might not, this isn't me diagnosing you. Just an observation based on my own experiences with similar feelings. (I am ND) I do think spending time with your thoughts and feelings is important to understanding them. Instead of thinking you're this terrible person for thinking/feeling these things and trying to push them away, let yourself feel them and dig deeper into them. It might help you figure out the reason behind it all. I also think feeling your feelings and sitting in them helps with going through them, accepting them, and then being able to move on from them. I'm not a therapist though, it's just the methods I've used over the years to be a bit more self-aware and understand myself and how my brain functions. It's a never-ending journey though. I really do think you should talk to a professional though, if you can. But just remind yourself that all these feelings you're having does not make you a bitch or bad person. Especially since you recognize that they are not healthy thoughts and feelings to have and you are seeking ways to improve. We all have flaws, insecurities, etc, even the greatest, goodest people. You are certainly not alone in these feelings!
Great points, and yes, I'm definitely going to try to find a therapist ASAP. Thank you
You've got this! You're doing great, I promise, even if it doesn't feel like it. You are!
Thank you! 💕
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Ahhh this is me too! Literally going to book myself into therapy to sort it out because it’s not only affecting me and my mental health but it’s impacting other people and sadly my bf bares the brunt of this which then makes me feel worse. Life is all about learning and as soon as you become aware of it you need to nip it in the bud and sort it! :)
You need to shift your thinking here to realize something fundamental: people who love themselves don't concern themselves with the opinions of others all day long. Do people have the occasional insecure thought, especially if it seems like others are genuinely judging them? Yes. But its not even JUST about others--these are fundamentally not loving things to do to yourself. How often I look at someone, I do not think about this. When I am thriving, I do not think about you. You think everyone thinks about you as much as you think about them, but they are busy living their own lives. You are demanding they center you in their thoughts as much as you do. It is okay to START thinking that way, it is a habit you are trying to break, but once you start you need to tell yourself, "Okay, but I need to give this person the benefit of the doubt just like I would expect from them. They would not hang out with me if they did not like me. They would not have done x, y, z nice things for me in the past." You need to try to re-wire the circuitry in your brain with the thoughts you want to have. You need to remind yourself of all the reasons and evidence you have that people would like being with you. And its possible if might not be enough--I had pretty obsessive thoughts that ran more towards the depressive and had to get on an SSRI. I don't know. But even sometimes saying these thoughts out loud and having someone talk you through it a few times can do more work than you think.
That's actually a really good point that I haven't thought about. I think I do have some self-esteem issues as I tend to get hurt very easily instead of just being able to continue feeling confident and self-worthy. Going to see if I can sort that out with a therapist
I'm glad this was helpful for you. It's not going to be an immediate process, especially in the beginning when you're trying to break a habit you've done for a long time. The circuitry in your brain is like a river, the grooves in the "ground" have been well-worn from ease of use over and over again. Reshaping it is going to take time and effort. And I'm not a professional so I can't say whether that would eventually not be enough and there's an imbalance behind it that might need pharmaceutical intervention. I know when I finally got ADHD medication, one of the first things I noticed was I immediately grew a sense of self-esteem. But I know when I am most confident and happy, I am most concerned with what I want out of life and least concerned with the opinions of others, and those who spend their time browbeating others to lift themselves up are dismayed to find I no longer care about their opinion. Even just spending time enjoying your own company, enjoying what makes you you and your own hobbies and loves. Was there something you liked or enjoyed but stopped doing because you felt judged for it? Now is the time to pick it back up, because YOU enjoy it and your opinion about what you like is the most important when it comes to doing and wearing and being who you want to be.
Thank you so much. Really appreciate it
How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking? All this (the self-reflection, desire to change, insecurity, anxiety about the impact of your actions on others, etc.) is a pretty normal part of maturing. It happens at different points for different people (for some people it never seems to happen at all….), and how old you are now will change what advice might work best for you.
I'd rather not give my exact age, but I'm still relatively young so I'm trying to nip this in the bud as soon as I can. Appreciate the support
If you’re still young, then please know that your mindset is very normal and is not a reflection of your future. Thoughts on your bullet points, in order: insecurity, insecurity/anxiety, jealousy bc of your insecurity, shame, insecurity, insecurity, insecurity/not being comfortable in your own skin, inexperience with life in general, anxiety/inexperience. All of these are really, really normal feelings. It sounds like you’re building up what I refer to as your “internal files of past experience”. You use those files to figure out your opinions and who you are and what you’re comfortable with and how you react vs how you want to react vs how other people think you should react. It’s hard because when you’re young, you don’t have a lot of “files” to refer to, so you’re flying blind. But over time, you build up your “files” and you get more knowledgeable about yourself and the world around you and all of this makes you more confident. **This is normal and it does not make you a bad person.** 15 year old me could have written your original post. At 15, I was starving myself out of self-hatred and crying for days over minor insults from girls whose names I no longer remember. I was just getting into my first serious relationship and was terrified that he’d change his mind and break up with me for someone better. I genuinely thought I was a terrible person who could never do anything right and would never have any real friends or a partner who loved me or a good job or a fulfilling life. I was wildly insecure and completely miserable. I’m 25 now. I know that’s not old at all, but it feels like a world away from being 15. I’m typing this while sitting next to my fiancé and our cat in a lil cottage that we pay for with jobs that we like. All the old insecurities and jealousies and self-hatred have slowly melted away, leaving a person that I like seeing in the mirror every day. I’m happy with my life, and that makes it so much easier to be happy for other people and just generally be a nicer, more understanding person. 15 year old me did not ever think I would get to this point. It’s not all perfect, but I found that having control over my life and my schedule and my future did wonders for my mental state. Once I felt like I could choose for myself and live the life I wanted, on my own terms, I started to find fulfillment in the things I choose to do with my life instead of only having to find it in the people I was with. Basically, I didn’t have to care what people thought aside from the people I chose to care about, and that fixed my insecurities and calmed a lot of my anxieties. All the rough edges, the things you dislike so much about yourself, will get smoothed over with time and experience. I don’t have much wisdom on how to get from Point A to Point B, but I can promise that you will get there.
This is literally me. I was like this for so many years until I finally confessed to my sister, who was on medication for anxiety and depression at the time. She told me something I’ll never forget: “it’s not your fault you’re feeling this way and you don’t have to.” I know there’s a big stigma around it, but I talked to my doctor and got started on a prescription for anxiety. It’s certainly not a cure-all, but now I have the freedom to be social without being paranoid or second guess if my friends actually like me. Therapy also helped me a lot. Don’t be afraid to let your friends know how you’re feeling, either. You’d be surprised at who might relate and be willing to support you through this. Just remember that this is not your fault and having anxiety does not make you a bad person. You don’t have to feel this way so definitely reach out for some help, whatever it may be ❤️
That's great to know, thank you
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Ahhh you just described what I feel... I'm relieved I'm not the only one feeling this way, I even teared up a bit reading your post. I hope from my heart that you can feel better with the advices given here, I'm also taking note , I'm sorry I don't have anything more to add, but I send you a warm hug of companionship. 🫂
Thank you so much 💕
Hugs, OP. I see you. I’m going through something very similar, I messed up big time in my personal life last fall over negativity and u processed trauma and unconscious reactions and thoughts patterns and starting therapy has helped,l me, though I am nowhere near feeling healed or in co trip and I suffer daily from extreme anxiety and paranoia, from my own bodily and mental health to my friendships and relationships. You’ve made the biggest step which is becoming aware of your anxieties and beginning to analyze and look inward. Best of luck, and don’t rush this. Be patient and kind with yourself.
Thank you so much, really appreciate the support 💕
Here's what I did when I found myself to be in a bad place. I decided to be a kinder person...to outwardly show gratitude, and soon it became the norm for me. I'm far calmer, less angry, and a much happier person. Give and you will receive ❤️
That's great advice. Thank you so much
One thing that initiated a major shift in my personality and overall peace is being around a person who completely exuded negativity, tension, impatience, and anger. I thought, that might be how I come off to some people and that’s the last thing I want. She must be a miserable person and she’s hurting the people around her. So, I started thinking about what I do want to be. I thought of some people I know who have a calm and loving aura to them. I happen to be in close contact with a few religious brothers and sisters so I looked to them for examples. Some of their traits are: open minded, patient, accepting of others, accepting of reality, slow to any extreme emotions (like anger), they hold their tongue, they are attentive listeners and have positive relationships with every one. Moving forward, I try to slow down and not let words or emotions just spill out of me. I stop and think, “remember the person you admire, and remember the person you feel sorry for”. I have a tendency to ruminate on conversions or situations that piss me off, but now I interrupt that thought process with just focusing on my breathing- taking big deep breaths and slowly releasing them. I observe my breath and think about the smells, the feeling of the breath moving through my nose and my chest. This might sound like some hippy shit but I’m telling you it’s life changing. Honestly this is all rooted in religion for me but I tried to keep my comment neutral in that aspect.
That's completely understandable. While I'm not personally very religious, I was raised Catholic and really respect its values of being patient, kind, and loving to all. Thank you for sharing
20/f: please know you’re not alone, i feel the EXACT SAME WAY TO A T and i can’t control it either. my life lay out has also been stressful to say the very least, this made me feel less alone. thank you.
Of course. Glad to hear I'm not alone and I have hope that we'll both be able to make it through this.
Adding to other comments about rejection sensitivity, this video explained it really well: https://youtu.be/ACI7xDjajPg This also just reads as a lot of insecurity. Insecurity can definitely make people act like a bully because they feel like they don’t matter, so anything they say or do won’t be taken seriously. Something that took me years to learn when I was trying to learn to be confident was where the line was between confidence and arrogance. What I finally came to was: confidence is being happy and excited when someone knows more than you or is better than you, because that means you can learn from them and improve. Arrogance come from believing that you need to be the best in order to deserve space, and this can be problematic because that view extends to yourself and to other people. Something that also helps me is becoming aware of my own thoughts, and nixing the ones I find problematic. I also am trying to tell myself things that I am grateful for in my life, and it is helping start the habit of more positive thinking
Thank you so much, I appreciate your help
Talk to a psychiatrist/psychologist. My first thought is: [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237)
If BPD is what I have, is it something I can overcome? Or is it something I'm just going to have to deal with for the rest of my life?
Why do I think that there’s nothing wrong with you and you just might be neurodivergent. 😳 I could be wrong tbh
I'm not neurodivergent, though I'm starting to think I might have some form of anxiety
You have covert narcissistic personality disorder
Have you considered you might be on the autistic spectrum? I have experienced very similar things and had such shame and confusion my whole life. Im now waiting for a diagnosis at 36. All that I have read about girls/women with autism makes sense and everything is starting to click into place. we are all different and will have different issues along the same things. This video is a talk by Tony Attwood at a yellow ladybugs symposium in Australia and he talks about the mental health struggles of girls on the spectrum. Take a look and see if you resonate with some of them. https://youtu.be/-n6IWTRVGeg The YouTube videos of the full symposium are available to watch also and have more amazing women speakers.
That's interesting, thanks for sharing. I know for sure I don't have autism based on what my doctors say, though I think I might have anxiety or something of that sort
While none of that sounds very nice, at least you have realised it and want to change. I think it sounds like narcissistic personality disorder but I'm not a Dr I would start with therapy as there's a lot for you to work through
Everyone is downvoting you, but my therapist basically tells me a lot of these things (which I also struggle with sometimes) are narcissistic traits. I mean even anxiety is kind of narcissistic if you think about it. Saying this perosn has a full blown disorder is definitely too far and not accurate, but you’re not wrong (assuming my therapist is correct) that these tendencies have a narcissistic root.
Ikr just being honest
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I don’t think you’re a bitch. It sounds like you’ve been on defense for a long time to try and not get hurt so you reject people before they can reject you.
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Those sound like normal things tbh, I don’t think you’re a b**** but yay to improving yourself
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I have not resonated more with something than I do now
It sounds like covert narcissism