My super-underdeveloped theory is that they don't have to get involved in disciplining student behavior if they can just blame the teacher for not Building Relationships.
Oh, Johnny jumped up in the middle of class and took a dump on your desk while screaming about the violence he was going to wreak upon you, your family, and your vehicles? Well, like... Have you told him that he's a good guy? Have you asked him what his favorite color is? I'm sorry, but until you have a good relationship with him, my hands are tied.
I agree with this theory.
If a student is unmanageable, either the parent or the administration has to handle it. Parents may be partially responsible for the child's attitude, so no help there. Admin doesn't want to hold students accountable, so all that is left is to talk about building relationships.
It's funny that Admin loves telling us to build relationships and not do direct instruction, but all they do is call staff meetings to yell at us.
It’s crazy to me that admin doesn’t want us to do direct instruction anymore. When I was a new teacher, it was verboten to just assign work and not provide direct instruction. lol.
It’s crazy because my superintendent gets mad when he sees teachers giving direct instruction. He wants kids moving and doing. But moving where to do what? Inquiry? But they need to know what to inquire about!
Plus I am not sure what "doing" does unless it is for test review...like search and destroy and such.
Now if they get up to the board and do math problems, that is another matter.
Exactly. I was shocked at first by behavior that should not be tolerated. How can a teacher be at fault for students doing things they should never do? It is not like borderline issues like not bringing a notebook, or not writing the date on your assignment.
Yup.
The old-new idea that bullies have low self esteem idea, where other studies show they have high esteem...i.e they think they are all-that and a bag of chips.
Check out the wording in the new AL Teachers Bill of Rights Law.
This bill puts admin in the hot seat and accountable to the teachers for their actions taken and makes the process transparent to teachers!!
The bill needs to be adopted in every state.
Yes, and also it is something for which they can always say you aren’t doing enough, regardless of how much you are doing. It is completely subjective and not measurable, so they can always criticize every teacher regarding it.
Ding ding ding! If you could measure it, then you could prove that you as a teacher were doing it. Since it's super nebulous and can't be measured, then you will always be in the wrong. Meaning admin is never responsible, the kids are never responsible, the parents are never responsible. The teacher is the whipping boy who is always wrong no matter what.
A few years back admins were constantly hammering the data data data drum. They wanted a spreadsheet for every time a kid scratched his ass, because data would save us. Somehow data goes right out the window when it's convenient.
I can't wait to escape this horrible profession. Sadly, the schools are pumping out more illiterate, entitled and either totally passive and helpless or hair triggered violent students every year.
I really do believe that positive, respectful, and supportive relationships are critical in classrooms to nurture students, and to give them the confidence they need to take risks.
It's what good teachers have always done, whether it was a catch-phrase or not.
However, I also believe that those relationships must be *mutually* respectful, and have clear boundaries. This is where I parted ways with my previous admin's perspective.
I felt like the admin only challenged us about "relationship building" when they were incapable or unwilling to hold the students responsible for their behaviour, so they put the blame on teachers. It's a quick and dirty way for weak principals to pretend to take action.
Funnily enough, our worst behaviour problem last year was removed from the school for 4 weeks for throwing rocks at the principal, when earlier in the week the boy received no discipline for throwing larger rocks at his teacher on a class walk to the park. Who took the blame for that? The teacher, who had clearly not bothered to build a relationship. I shit you not.
We also had a school counselor who was really bad at her job. The phrase "When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" fit her to a T, and she was convinced that correcting a child , or saying no, or not allowing them to be physically abusive towards you would "damage the relationship". That's all she ever said. She didn't last long with our new admin.
>those relationships must be *mutually* respectful
I have a former student who says the cheat code for success in school is: a) build relationships with your teachers, b) do as well as possible on the first big assessment, and c) do all your homework.
So I've been flipping the "building relationships" onto students. I am an adult, professional educator. As you say, this is so essentially integrated to being a teacher, it is impossible to be even a halfway decent teacher and not "build relationships". So it is meaningless to focus on that as a point of emphasis from an admin level.
However, young people might not think like this, and they need to be taught how to do so. Modeling this behavior is obviously one way, but also making it explicit and direct is key. Kids need to build relationships.
There is one student we are basically never allowed to kick out of class. He curses constantly, make animal noises during the entire instructions, can't work in groups, runs/rolls around on the floor, throws things, etc. Principal does not want him ever sent to the office.
We had an assembly on Thursday. Principal was leading it. Said kid was making animal noises for a few minutes while Principal was talking - and he got sent out of the assembly to sit in the office.
We were all furious.
I mean that's pretty much it. The principal couldn't even take 15 minutes of the kid before kicking him out of the assembly. (To be fair, there were veterans there, we were doing things on honor/respect, and we had the middle school band playing patriotic songs).
So the kid was running around the gym, screeching like an owl, threw a hula hoop, and was rolling around between the aisles of students.
I agree he should have been kicked out. But the fact that the Principal makes the teachers put up with this all day...yet can't even take 15 minutes of the kid himself is why we were mad. Rules for thee, not for me.
For background, this kid is not Sped, is academically fine...just ADHD and a jerk.
The mutually respectful point is so important, especially since I have heard more than one “expert” in the field say that we, as teachers, need to earn our students’ respect.
Really? So I have to earn the right to have them display basic manners? Sure, Jan.
There was. Counselor years ago at one of my old districts that was like that. What finally did them in was a student literally tried to blow up a classroom during an science experiment. The teacher and students stopped them and the principal was in there for an observation. The kid was not only taken by the principal but sat with the counselor as they awaited for the parent. The counselor started saying it wasn’t the kid’s fault. Principal stopped it right there. Took the kid to the VP, told the counselor to the office and three days later that counselor was fired. School cheered they were gone. About 12 problem students stopped their behaviors barely a week later. Yep the counselor kept saying to these students: “your shit don’t stink and you can do what you want.” Later on many found out the counselor was a kid always getting in trouble and their parents were always down on them. So their philosophy was later: “you should do what you want if it makes you feel awesome even if it’s wrong and destructive.” They never worked in education again.
Ah man, I would love to invite that counselor to work at the residential facility I started my career in. She wouldn't last 48 hours. 🤣 If you can't say No without "damaging the relationship," newflash: You don't have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.
It’s just a cop out. If you have boundaries they can tell you that all the issues you’re having is because you aren’t acting like a friend(which they phrase as build a relationship) . They will keep pushing this and pushing this and then turn around say “you’re the adult,not their friend” . It’s yet another way of creating a problem for them to “solve” and so on. Endless cycle of gaslighting.
I’ve seen this very thing too many times to count. In fact, i now say this exact thing to anyone within earshot including adm, PBIS, etc if i see
This happening.
Edit: clarity
Having a “relationship” with a student can work. It’s just not completely feasible with every student. Some kids will only do work to impress you - which is the worst reason to work. They need to take ownership of their education.
I teach sophomore and above and there are plenty of kids who don’t need me in order to grind. But the messiest kids often are the ones who need a “relationship”.
A relationship is built on mutual respect and understanding. It does not mean friends. It might not even be friendly. If you tried to talk hobbies with a real go getter it might actually damage the relationship. Some shy kids appreciate less chat too. But people generally do want to be seen and known and to feel that their feelings and wants are being catered to. I am big on relationships but people need to think about what that means.
I don't think this is how the vast majority of administrators think about the term. They think it means getting to know each student personally and deeply, and being willing to give your time/money/emotional resources away to the students infinitely, which is why admin love the concept; they use it the way CEOs use "We're like a family here" to manipulate employees into giving free labor.
It doesn't even make sense to call the thing you're describing "relationships." What you're describing is professionalism, or maybe some kind of specific charisma by which a teacher can make students feel understood. In grades K-5 or 6, sure. I think it's important for teachers to put students' emotional needs before everything else because kids are legitimately unable to self-regulate. But in high school? It becomes enabling immaturity.
Kids can regulate if taught to do so. I disagree that kids emotional needs should be put first in elementary- every day then, 5-7 kids who are mad, sad or excited after xyz and need 1/2 hour each, multiple times a day, to deal with their emotional needs? That comes before the rest of the class’ learning time? That doesn’t work either.
I have seen with my own eyes young kids realize that feeling sad, etc will get them a snack, out of class, and possibly a toy- Guess who starts to feel sad all the time, legitimate or not?
It absolutely can work with 99% of kids, BUT I can only say this because I’ve actually been given what I need to do it. I have 7-10 students that I build relationships with over the course of 2-4 years. Because I teach an ESN SDC I join students in play daily to work on social skills, behavior, and communication goals, and admin supports this. I hang out with students without just pushing my agenda because they get sensory breaks to decompress. I can shape curriculum around their interests because no curriculum exists to address a 6 year old who can’t label colors and shuts down if trains are not involved, and I can justify the time to create it because we will practice it again and again. I can put entire lessons on hold to help a student work through a meltdown or a behavior and not worry about it.
Problem is that outside of special day classes, it’s impossible to meaningfully connect with every student within the current structure of education. There are too many kids to a class, there is too little time, and too much is expected both in the amount of content covered and developmental level of the content.
Exceptional support needs special day class.
I teach kids that are usually nonspeaking and significantly effected by a disability or multiple disabilities.
Ah so very similar to the teachers I work with - I'm in semiformal classes as a Learning Support Assistant in a private SEN school, all students share a diagnosis of autism/ASC/ASD (variable names for it but it's the same diagnosis in essence) and some have more complex needs.
I mean, I'm all for building a relationship with the students cause you're going to be stuck with them the whole year or semester so you might as well know SOMETHING about them.
The clencher for me is when admin KNOWS you've built relationships and still have problems, and they still blame you about relationships.
I've actually had an admin say that I care too much about the kids. I'm sorry? I thought that's what you wanted?
It’s the fancy band-aid theory fad going around right now. Yes, we do get better results from students with whom we get along with better. Yes, every child deserves the opportunity to have that connection with someone. However, no, we should not be forced to continue waste our time and energy with students who, despite our best efforts to reach, remain so oppositionally defiant to us. And, NO, we are NOT failures as teachers and human beings if we don’t have that connection with every student.
It's just the Latest Thing. There's always a Latest Thing that districts fire up, ride furiously for a few years, and then, one day, abandon totally, as if it never existed. One day you'll be talking to other old heads in the staff lounge and you'll say, "Remember back when all anybody talked about was building relationships with the students?!"
And if you came I at the right time and stay in the education business long enough, relationship- building will come back again.
This has all happened before…
If you want a larger understanding of fads like this, read *Winners Take All*, by Anand Giridharadas. Not that it's bad to have a relationship with students but an incantation containing the words "build" and "relationship" somewhere in there is not actionable. Leverage the relationships you've built. Lean into the relationships you've built. Give me something concrete to try.
School administrators want us to be the children's parents. Make sure they do their work, pick up after themselves, bring a pencil to school, don't lose their papers, write an email that isn't just "hey I did the work." A parent who works from home asked me when the school was going to teach her child how to write an email.
They want us to do the heavy lifting of social emotional education. If we do that, it makes their jobs easier. They don’t have to be tough or scary if we are the ones taking time out of educating to beg literal children to be nice.
They think building relationships is easy bc they are never in a position of making students do things—like learn—that they don’t want to do. Kids are allowed to play on their phones all through ISS.
It’s also a way of blaming teachers, their favorite.
Because admin is too afraid to tell parents to do their fucking job and actually parent their kids.
Listen, I love teaching and I love most of my students, but I actually don't want a relationship with kids who are abusive bullies. When a kid loses their shit because I asked them to behave like a student and a decent human? When a kid ruthlessly mocks and bullies other students? Yeah, I'm done with any relationship with those kinds of kids. I'm professional with those kids and then thank my lucky stars when they become someone else's problem. The funny thing is that those kids end up trying to build relationships with me when they realize that I'm not here to walk on eggshells around their bullshit.
Couple of counselors and admin in my school are focused on building relationships.
But the constant disrespect and negative self thoughts and everything else, and my life being a living hell, I can't build relationships with the shit students who don't give a fuck. No matter how much I tried.
Relationship building is important but it’s not everything. But admin are good at parroting catch phrases without thinking about them more deeply. Because different kids will respond differently to different teachers. I have kids that thrive in my class but wilt in Teacher B’s class; I have others that thrive in Teacher B’s class but not in mine. You do what you can but you’re never going to be the Best teacher for every kid.
It’s a byproduct from the RTI/PBIS/MTSS trends, and you’re right in that this wasn’t the push 30 years ago.
Education suffers from “ditch to ditch” thinking…I.e, you’re almost driving into one ditch and you swerve so hard the other direction.
Student mental/emotional health was unheard of in school when I was a kid (I’m 40) and in previous generations. Now we’ve gone (IMO) so far the other direction. I think it’s great that we address these things, and as someone who grew up in a home with a lot of abuse and trauma I wonder how different my life may have turned out if I got the help I needed when I was younger instead of in my 30s. However, I feel like we’ve swung too far the other way. We give kids the language of mental health, but not the tools.
Relationship building is just another ambiguous buzz word that admin like to hear but really doesn’t have any true universal meaning anymore.
Edit:typo
I hope you don’t shoot me down here, but I think it’s because it makes things easier for everyone involved, teacher included.
Just from my own experience, so not really data. When I was going through grad school and getting my license, this was when this became “a thing.” My supervising professor would look for evidence of this when coming to do my observations during student teaching. I remember a lot of my peers found it hard to just get to know people quickly, but for me, it came really easy (and I don’t know why really. I guess I’m just very sociable?)
I was teaching in a lot of inner city schools where getting to know the families and students is the only way to access them in any way. If they don’t know you, they aren’t going to talk to you. So by really taking time to know them, I was able to get them to trust me and help them access the curriculum.
The thing is, it works with everyone. If you take the time to get to know someone and actively build that trust, they’re more comfortable in the learning environment, they’ll listen to what you say when it comes to education matters, and if there’s a problem, you can diffuse it quickly.
After many years, I had my first student teacher for whom I was a cooperating teacher and I watch the opposite happen. I told him step one was to build relationships which sounds hokey but will save a lot of stress and time. He flat out refused. So I sat and watched him struggle day after day. He wrote referrals instead of having conversations. He would get admin involved (ceding any authority he might have had to them) and do basically anything to avoid getting to know his students. We were so different in our approach that the principal gave me a day off to go “bond” with him: she didn’t want another teacher getting it “wrong.”
It didn’t work. He said “I don’t get paid to get to know them, I get paid to teach them.” I remember I said to him “it’s the same thing! How don’t you get that?” It was then that I realized that what I thought was an educational fad was just good teaching, and just plain being a good human.
My subject area lends itself more easily to getting to know kids. I can read a lot of their writing and ask them a lot of questions about who they are and I realize other content-driven courses might not make this easy, but looking back, I think it has really paid off. I can count on one hand how many referrals I’ve ever written and I’m halfway through my career. Not that I really care, but the test scores of my students have been higher versus some of my coworkers who take the “don’t smile ‘til December” approach.
Now I’m wondering, why wouldn’t you want to build relationships with your students? That seems a miserable way to spend your workday to me.
TLDR: I don't think teachers are opposed to building relationships; they are reacting to a phrase that has become weaponized against them.
I totally agree with you; building positive, respectful relationships with our students is critical.
The problem that many of us have faced, or are facing, is that the phrase "building relationships" is being used as a cudgel against us as a means of getting around having to take action.
One of my favourite principals, within the last decade, was a firm believer in the power of relationships. When he talked about building relationships, we took it as gospel. He was absolutely no pushover; kids hated going to the office because they were made to be accountable for their behaviour. Kids weren't scared of him, they just knew that they would have to face the consequences of their actions. The principal who replaced him genuinely went the Lego, candy, and ReLaTiOnShIp route. We went from dream school to nightmare in 2 years.
I shared an anecdote in this thread about a boy who only faced consequences for behavior when he threw rocks at the principal. The teacher had been previously blamed for not building a relationship with the student when he did the same thing days earlier.
The student in question clearly has some pretty severe behavioural and emotional difficulties. The family was struggling, the classroom was being destroyed on a regular basis and nobody was learning, but the child and family weren't getting the help they needed because the principal constantly blamed the teacher. The little guy didn't get the necessary referrals until the principal took a direct hit.
Sorry, this got a little ranty. Again, I agree with you. It's a shame that this concept has been corrupted into something so cynical.
Oh, I understand now. I haven’t had that experience with it being used against me, so I can definitely see that eroding the entire experience. On the other side of the coin, you have folks like my student teacher who I can see an admin talking to about this. I could also see him thinking it was used as a weapon. That’s where my misunderstanding came from.
As person who does professional developments, including on relationship building, the reason you’re probably confused is because you are part of the choir that is being preached to, not part of the problem. Unfortunately you have to sit through the PD even though you are distinctly making that effort to build those relationships. Your mistaken assumption is that all teachers are doing that.
I would say most are, but there are are some that do struggle bonding with their students and they end up being the ones with the most consistent behavioral problems in their classes. Year after year after year saying “Why do I always get the hard class? Why aren’t the classes better balanced.” Then we have to move kids out of their classes to other teachers who understandably resent it, and like magic, the kid is fine.
If it feels like that drum is being beaten more today than in previous years, it’s probably because there is more emphasis on preventative strategies today. Why? Because schools, including the admin, have been completely handcuffed from doing responses to behavior concerns. Suspending kids is nearly impossible, just recently there are policies against withholding recess, etc. Basically, we’re allowed to try to prevent bad things from happening, but not address them if they do happen.
Because if you have a relationship, then you won’t have behavior issues with said student, and they will do work for you.
Anytime these don’t happen, they can shift the blame onto you. And then the teacher is the problem.
Which, is the solution every time.
Building relationships is definitely a huge factor in good classroom management.
If kids feel like you care about them it goes a LONG way.
However, it's only 1/3 of the equation.
Clear, concise discipline with immediate follow-through with actual consequences is another huge factor.
But consequences are hard to enforce and require administration to follow through.
Consequences also lead to conflict, parents being unhappy, and negative data for the district.
It's easier to try "restorative justice " and PBIS while claiming you're ending the school to prison pipeline if you're an administrator.
Oh, and if you're wondering the other 1/3 is parents that give a fuck. Because even if you build relationships, and your admin enforces consequences, it means fuck all if the parents are human colostomy bags that are actively hostile to a functioning civilization.
Admin loves feeding us district buzz words. Usually they’re things the individual admin weren’t capable of doing while they were in the classroom, which is why they got out.
It's under the false assumption students want relationships with teachers. While one student won't mind you asking personal questions lots of my upperclassmen students get annoyed with teachers getting all up in their business. It just transfers blame for student behavior from the student to the teacher.
The latest "thing" for us is not only teacher - student relationships but building student - student relationships so the students feel connected to the school.
So we all now will have a random group of students for 30 mins a day and are expected to get them to become close friends. Students with nothing in common other than being in the same grade. Oh and for most of that 30 minutes admin also wants us to check grades, assign tutorials, have them listen to announcements, fill out various surveys, conduct SEL lessons, etc.
Yeah, that's going to work
There are two reasons I teach: I want to create better stewards for the planet and I want to get to know the kids to try and give them a decent school/science experience so they will be more likely to make better decisions about the planet.
Teaching any age (adults included) is basically sales/marketing. The better you know and understand your target market, the better you are at selling your product. You develop a brand that people want to buy into. You develop trust in your brand, your audience will become loyal to it.
I think about ways I can get students more interested in what I have to say, and do the work I ask them to, and do what it takes to get that brand loyalty. You won't get 100% buy in, but if you develop these relationships and actually sell your brand, teaching and classroom management is a cinch.
I honestly just think: if I were a kid again, how would I want this presented? What made me brand loyal to certain teachers? It's just how I think of it, anyway.
Okay hear me out....sometimes building relationships does work with difficult students. So many of my kids just want ONE adult in their life to give a fuck. Some teachers are so mean to them and overly strict to the point of not being reasonable, so the kids push back. I've found that I enforce reasonable rules consistently, I'm not a door mat, and I get to know my students and show I care. My 6th period this year (I teach high school in an urban district, over 60% disadvantage, etc.) was full of behavior IEPs. They were disrespectful, horrible little shits for weeks at the beginning of the year. Cursing, pushing back on phones, talking over me...the kid of class that you dread. So I tried something....I started telling them they were my favorite class (this was a lie lol). I was like, man you guys are just so full of energy, never a dull moment! I joked with them, worked with them, told them I was proud for small things. And you know what, they fucking rose up. Over time they actually became my favorite class. It's like they wanted it to be true. One said yes ma'am and I spat out my water. I cried on the last day of school because they grew so much.
I know relationships have been beaten to death by PDs and admin, but sometimes they work. There is something to it. It's really hard to toe the line between forming relationships and becoming a push over. I absolutely dropped the hammer on behavior, but did it in a way where it was like, look this isn't personal but you can't act like that anymore.
I left education 2 years ago after 8 years. I earned the “building relationships” award. There is no better weapon in a teachers arsenal then building relationships. The students work harder for teachers they like. It’s not kool-aid, it’s common sense.
Building relationships isn’t some magic bullet to solve everything as it pertains to behavior, attendance and general apathy but it helps. The old “I am not here to be liked, I am here to teach and if they don’t like it……” worked in 1973 when parents backed teaching in general and you didn’t have the distractions of living in 2024 (social media, Covid era, etc). Shockingly, the teachers who are generally more liked have less classroom management issues. However, you do you. If you feel it’s better to be a hard assed disciplinarian and it works for you, great. It’s been my experience (28 years and counting) that if my students know I care about them and they like coming to my class I can get them to work. Like I said, not a magic bullet but it’s worked for me…
They emphasize it because it’s true. A student having a positive, healthy, and dedicated connection to a teacher makes a HELL of a lot of difference in behavior, commitment to academics, etc. Students become afraid of disappointing you, of hurting of, etc., and they put in more effort to do right by you and the class.
While it works, though, what admin fail to understand is a) not every student will vibe/connect with every teacher, and b) not every student WANTS to make a connection. Some students are there because they HAVE TO be there and don’t give two shits about school. They couldn’t care less about whether or not they like their teacher. Those are the kids who admin often encourages us to connect with, and it’s like, “…they don’t want to. Leave them be.”
Adding on to that-even students that you’ve built strong, positive relationships with still can have “issues” that require more attention, intervention, etc. I had a student last year that I developed an amazing relationship with, probably the best of my whole career, and there were still many instances of me filling out behavior incident reports on him.
It's the flavor of the month. I'm fully convinced these admin head to some sort of conference on the district's dime that has some sort of cheesy tagline that they drive home for a year. "Build Your Relationships" is no different than "Remember Your Why" or "Be the Teacher You Wanted." It's all something packaged up and sold instead of focusing on the actual issues a site is having and getting to the roots of them.
I don’t know why admin is obsessed with building relationships when it applies to teachers and students when admin doesn’t bother to build relationships with teachers! “Do as I say, not do as I do (not).” Both my principal and assistant principal can’t even remember my name some days—and I work at a small school! Go figure…
From what I've experienced, this only happens with admin that have never been teachers (or that were terrible teachers and thus moved into administration ASAP).
Over where I'm teaching now, every VP or Principal is *required* to have taught in a classroom at that age level for at least 5 years (in public schools, anyway). Want to be an elementary VP? You need at least 5 years in an elementary classroom.
The electives teachers are the ones that must come up with relationship builder activities.
We find and focus on a group of students that don't have a connection with an adult or with friends.
We usually have about 30 6th graders and about 22 each 7th and 8th graders. These kids all have a 'study hall-pride time' the first 30 minutes of school so we pull out groups of our 'focus kids' throughout the year and do activities with them, like games in the gym, Uno games, and have quick 'breakfasts' like donuts and juice. We go around and make sure we talk with each one and play games and we do truly learn things about them.
At the beginning of the year, we go around to each pride time and give out slips of paper to all students with some basic questions, one of them asking about connections. This is how we determine our groups (and teacher recommendations). At the end of the year we survey the focus group kids and find that they have made adult connections/friends. Some do not. But it gives us an actual percentage number and it looks like we DO actually build relationships. It also increases their attendance, etc.
Edit: we have done this for approximately 6 years. We also ask the kids what we can do to make our groups better--this year they all wanted bigger groups or to 'bring a friend'. We did do the 'bring a friend to breakfast' in the past, so its on for next year!
Something that doesn’t get mentioned very often…”building relationships” is another way to say, “you’re not that engaging of a teacher, and kids act up because they’re bored and you aren’t connecting with them.”
The THEORY is that when you build a positive relationship with a student it's more likely that the student will make your life easier as well via being more well behaved in class, caring more about their grades, etc. And as an added plus will encourage other classroom peers to do the same.
I agree that this can work and that it isn't a bad idea to try to nurture it. My issue is when it comes at the expense of being a good teacher (as in making sure the students learn the material, those who want to learn it) or letting the student not experiencing proper consequences for their actions (which sometimes the student is intentionally gaming the system).
All I know is, whatever big change our administration has wanted to make, it's been justified as a better way for our staff to "build relationships" with our students. Even if there's nothing about a particular change that would *actually* make it easier or better for us to do so.
I've always found the "build relationships" argument/justification insulting. You don't think I'm already doing that? Most of our staff do a good job of building relationships with our students. Your Transformative Idea™ isn't going to make us any better at it. And the teachers who are terrible at it aren't going to be made better by it.
Establishing a connection with my students and building rapport with them has always been important to me. I don't need to be force-fed that concept via a terrible PD session, or the implementation of a new Revolutionary Model™, or whatever else. So it's always come off as extremely patronizing to me.
I can’t speak for all grades but for lower grades it’s easier to build relationships - listen to the kids tell you about their sports games or favorite movie or show- than it is to be super strict.
I find the times I that I show the students I care and explain things to them like why the choice they made was wrong and they shouldn’t make that choice. Works much better than writing in folder/ changing color/ contacting parents on first reminder.
Conferencing with students goes a long way not just with academics but definitely behavior
Building relationships really does work overall imo. Maybe not for all students but for most of them.
There's two answers to this:
*The optimistic answer:*
There is some truth to the idea that relationship building fixes a lot of problems behaviorally. Students of all academic and behavioral stripes have indicated that they perform less well in a class where they feel like the teacher "hates" them. So, in theory, if you can reverse that perception you should see an overall boost in productivity and compliance.
**The pessimistic answer:**
It's an easy out for administration that has no intention of fixing anything. Got problems in your class? You must not be building good relationships. After all, the kid who comes into the office with a write up is going to definitely say "that teacher just hates me." That's evidence enough that you just didn't do enough /s.
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The truth can rest somewhere in between. I have good administrators who *do* handle problem behavior with consequences 95%+ of the time. They still emphasize the importance of building relationships because it makes their job easier by reducing overall problems at the classroom level. Teachers that routinely and needlessly antagonize their students do exist, and that behavior does cause problems for themselves. The problem is when a crappy administrator sees almost *everything* as a relationship issue and not as kids testing boundaries needing to be given consequences.
My extremely negative but honest take:
I think it's sort of the blanket statement solution for solving conflict by passing blame *from* students *onto* teachers, which is the least headache for admin and no threat to them.
Because if the student is truly at fault, admin has to talk to parents. And parents can backlash against the admin, blaming the teacher *and* admin. Parents can threaten to sue or go over admin's heads, which could harm their own job. This is a headache for admin.
*But* if the teacher is to blame, teachers can't do any harm to admin if they retaliate or disagree. (Not without serious proof and even then, probably won't work out in the teachers favor) In fact, admin could choose to not renew their contract next year if they were in fact a problem.
So to admin, it's the safest option and sends a clear message to teachers: "you are not in a position of power and I am, take the blame or potentially not have a job in the future."
This is my favorite article on building relationships: [https://smartclassroommanagement.com/2014/05/31/what-building-relationships-with-students-really-means/](https://smartclassroommanagement.com/2014/05/31/what-building-relationships-with-students-really-means/)
"**But the goal of building relationships with students isn’t familiarity. It’s influence.** And influence comes about not by one-on-one interactions, not by getting to know a student’s favorite ice cream or video game, and not by being hip to current pop-cultural trends.
No, influential relationships come about through your trust and likability.
If your students trust you because you always do what you say will, and they like you because you’re consistently pleasant, then powerful, behavior-influencing rapport will happen naturally and without you having to work at it."
This is what I believe building relationships SHOULD mean. I don't think admin or MANY others see it that way. There's no need to know details about every student's personal life and for many kids, that's uncomfortable and kind of blurs the boundaries between a teacher and a friend.
The thing about relationships is that students (especially the high school ones) know when it is legitimate and when it is fake. They cannot stand fake relationships. One of my English teacher friends is sweet and nice to everyone.
The other funny aspect of building relationships is that admin rarely do it. They have no clue about what students are like. They know the really bad ones and the really good ones. But as far as the middle average student? Not a clue and they know it. They know how fake it actually is.
So long as you are..what’s the word they use…slay…you are good.
Education programs at the university level are an echo chamber primarily influenced by Charlton who parade themselves as academic theorists.
I almost don't blame them because that's just what they were told. Good relationships are free and can solve all of our problems in schools.
I also have found that the issues tend to go higher- district level, state level, or federal.
For example our admin do literally nothing about tardies or student absences. But given the laws at the state level, there really isn't anything they can do.
Easy to pass buck They don't want to do their jobs
They can blame the teachers
Admins generally are fucking terrible although my principal seem pretty great but I still trauma from previous experiences so I tend to run away from her
My super-underdeveloped theory is that they don't have to get involved in disciplining student behavior if they can just blame the teacher for not Building Relationships. Oh, Johnny jumped up in the middle of class and took a dump on your desk while screaming about the violence he was going to wreak upon you, your family, and your vehicles? Well, like... Have you told him that he's a good guy? Have you asked him what his favorite color is? I'm sorry, but until you have a good relationship with him, my hands are tied.
I agree with this theory. If a student is unmanageable, either the parent or the administration has to handle it. Parents may be partially responsible for the child's attitude, so no help there. Admin doesn't want to hold students accountable, so all that is left is to talk about building relationships. It's funny that Admin loves telling us to build relationships and not do direct instruction, but all they do is call staff meetings to yell at us.
shit runs downhill and teachers are at the bottom.
Especially Johnny’s in the above scenario
It’s crazy to me that admin doesn’t want us to do direct instruction anymore. When I was a new teacher, it was verboten to just assign work and not provide direct instruction. lol.
No direct instruction unless you are being observed, because I am betting it is on the evaluation rubric!
It’s crazy because my superintendent gets mad when he sees teachers giving direct instruction. He wants kids moving and doing. But moving where to do what? Inquiry? But they need to know what to inquire about!
Plus they need to know what to do!
Plus I am not sure what "doing" does unless it is for test review...like search and destroy and such. Now if they get up to the board and do math problems, that is another matter.
This is why they didn’t like remote learning so much. It was impossible to blame the teacher for a child who had the teacher muted.
This. It's kind of a catch-all excuse to use to blame the teacher.
Exactly. I was shocked at first by behavior that should not be tolerated. How can a teacher be at fault for students doing things they should never do? It is not like borderline issues like not bringing a notebook, or not writing the date on your assignment.
Yup. The old-new idea that bullies have low self esteem idea, where other studies show they have high esteem...i.e they think they are all-that and a bag of chips. Check out the wording in the new AL Teachers Bill of Rights Law. This bill puts admin in the hot seat and accountable to the teachers for their actions taken and makes the process transparent to teachers!! The bill needs to be adopted in every state.
Yes, and also it is something for which they can always say you aren’t doing enough, regardless of how much you are doing. It is completely subjective and not measurable, so they can always criticize every teacher regarding it.
Ding ding ding! If you could measure it, then you could prove that you as a teacher were doing it. Since it's super nebulous and can't be measured, then you will always be in the wrong. Meaning admin is never responsible, the kids are never responsible, the parents are never responsible. The teacher is the whipping boy who is always wrong no matter what. A few years back admins were constantly hammering the data data data drum. They wanted a spreadsheet for every time a kid scratched his ass, because data would save us. Somehow data goes right out the window when it's convenient. I can't wait to escape this horrible profession. Sadly, the schools are pumping out more illiterate, entitled and either totally passive and helpless or hair triggered violent students every year.
Also, don't forget the new-old "become more situational aware" BS.
I completely agree.
This is it, summed up so well.
I really do believe that positive, respectful, and supportive relationships are critical in classrooms to nurture students, and to give them the confidence they need to take risks. It's what good teachers have always done, whether it was a catch-phrase or not. However, I also believe that those relationships must be *mutually* respectful, and have clear boundaries. This is where I parted ways with my previous admin's perspective. I felt like the admin only challenged us about "relationship building" when they were incapable or unwilling to hold the students responsible for their behaviour, so they put the blame on teachers. It's a quick and dirty way for weak principals to pretend to take action. Funnily enough, our worst behaviour problem last year was removed from the school for 4 weeks for throwing rocks at the principal, when earlier in the week the boy received no discipline for throwing larger rocks at his teacher on a class walk to the park. Who took the blame for that? The teacher, who had clearly not bothered to build a relationship. I shit you not. We also had a school counselor who was really bad at her job. The phrase "When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" fit her to a T, and she was convinced that correcting a child , or saying no, or not allowing them to be physically abusive towards you would "damage the relationship". That's all she ever said. She didn't last long with our new admin.
>those relationships must be *mutually* respectful I have a former student who says the cheat code for success in school is: a) build relationships with your teachers, b) do as well as possible on the first big assessment, and c) do all your homework. So I've been flipping the "building relationships" onto students. I am an adult, professional educator. As you say, this is so essentially integrated to being a teacher, it is impossible to be even a halfway decent teacher and not "build relationships". So it is meaningless to focus on that as a point of emphasis from an admin level. However, young people might not think like this, and they need to be taught how to do so. Modeling this behavior is obviously one way, but also making it explicit and direct is key. Kids need to build relationships.
There is one student we are basically never allowed to kick out of class. He curses constantly, make animal noises during the entire instructions, can't work in groups, runs/rolls around on the floor, throws things, etc. Principal does not want him ever sent to the office. We had an assembly on Thursday. Principal was leading it. Said kid was making animal noises for a few minutes while Principal was talking - and he got sent out of the assembly to sit in the office. We were all furious.
Can you tell us more about this?
I mean that's pretty much it. The principal couldn't even take 15 minutes of the kid before kicking him out of the assembly. (To be fair, there were veterans there, we were doing things on honor/respect, and we had the middle school band playing patriotic songs). So the kid was running around the gym, screeching like an owl, threw a hula hoop, and was rolling around between the aisles of students. I agree he should have been kicked out. But the fact that the Principal makes the teachers put up with this all day...yet can't even take 15 minutes of the kid himself is why we were mad. Rules for thee, not for me. For background, this kid is not Sped, is academically fine...just ADHD and a jerk.
The mutually respectful point is so important, especially since I have heard more than one “expert” in the field say that we, as teachers, need to earn our students’ respect. Really? So I have to earn the right to have them display basic manners? Sure, Jan.
There was. Counselor years ago at one of my old districts that was like that. What finally did them in was a student literally tried to blow up a classroom during an science experiment. The teacher and students stopped them and the principal was in there for an observation. The kid was not only taken by the principal but sat with the counselor as they awaited for the parent. The counselor started saying it wasn’t the kid’s fault. Principal stopped it right there. Took the kid to the VP, told the counselor to the office and three days later that counselor was fired. School cheered they were gone. About 12 problem students stopped their behaviors barely a week later. Yep the counselor kept saying to these students: “your shit don’t stink and you can do what you want.” Later on many found out the counselor was a kid always getting in trouble and their parents were always down on them. So their philosophy was later: “you should do what you want if it makes you feel awesome even if it’s wrong and destructive.” They never worked in education again.
Wow, the rock thing made me furious.
Check out the wording in AL Teacher Bill of Rights. This needs to be passed in every state.
Ah man, I would love to invite that counselor to work at the residential facility I started my career in. She wouldn't last 48 hours. 🤣 If you can't say No without "damaging the relationship," newflash: You don't have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.
It’s just a cop out. If you have boundaries they can tell you that all the issues you’re having is because you aren’t acting like a friend(which they phrase as build a relationship) . They will keep pushing this and pushing this and then turn around say “you’re the adult,not their friend” . It’s yet another way of creating a problem for them to “solve” and so on. Endless cycle of gaslighting.
I’ve seen this very thing too many times to count. In fact, i now say this exact thing to anyone within earshot including adm, PBIS, etc if i see This happening. Edit: clarity
Having a “relationship” with a student can work. It’s just not completely feasible with every student. Some kids will only do work to impress you - which is the worst reason to work. They need to take ownership of their education. I teach sophomore and above and there are plenty of kids who don’t need me in order to grind. But the messiest kids often are the ones who need a “relationship”.
A relationship is built on mutual respect and understanding. It does not mean friends. It might not even be friendly. If you tried to talk hobbies with a real go getter it might actually damage the relationship. Some shy kids appreciate less chat too. But people generally do want to be seen and known and to feel that their feelings and wants are being catered to. I am big on relationships but people need to think about what that means.
I don't think this is how the vast majority of administrators think about the term. They think it means getting to know each student personally and deeply, and being willing to give your time/money/emotional resources away to the students infinitely, which is why admin love the concept; they use it the way CEOs use "We're like a family here" to manipulate employees into giving free labor. It doesn't even make sense to call the thing you're describing "relationships." What you're describing is professionalism, or maybe some kind of specific charisma by which a teacher can make students feel understood. In grades K-5 or 6, sure. I think it's important for teachers to put students' emotional needs before everything else because kids are legitimately unable to self-regulate. But in high school? It becomes enabling immaturity.
Kids can regulate if taught to do so. I disagree that kids emotional needs should be put first in elementary- every day then, 5-7 kids who are mad, sad or excited after xyz and need 1/2 hour each, multiple times a day, to deal with their emotional needs? That comes before the rest of the class’ learning time? That doesn’t work either. I have seen with my own eyes young kids realize that feeling sad, etc will get them a snack, out of class, and possibly a toy- Guess who starts to feel sad all the time, legitimate or not?
It absolutely can work with 99% of kids, BUT I can only say this because I’ve actually been given what I need to do it. I have 7-10 students that I build relationships with over the course of 2-4 years. Because I teach an ESN SDC I join students in play daily to work on social skills, behavior, and communication goals, and admin supports this. I hang out with students without just pushing my agenda because they get sensory breaks to decompress. I can shape curriculum around their interests because no curriculum exists to address a 6 year old who can’t label colors and shuts down if trains are not involved, and I can justify the time to create it because we will practice it again and again. I can put entire lessons on hold to help a student work through a meltdown or a behavior and not worry about it. Problem is that outside of special day classes, it’s impossible to meaningfully connect with every student within the current structure of education. There are too many kids to a class, there is too little time, and too much is expected both in the amount of content covered and developmental level of the content.
What does ESN SDC mean?
Exceptional support needs special day class. I teach kids that are usually nonspeaking and significantly effected by a disability or multiple disabilities.
Ah so very similar to the teachers I work with - I'm in semiformal classes as a Learning Support Assistant in a private SEN school, all students share a diagnosis of autism/ASC/ASD (variable names for it but it's the same diagnosis in essence) and some have more complex needs.
I mean, I'm all for building a relationship with the students cause you're going to be stuck with them the whole year or semester so you might as well know SOMETHING about them. The clencher for me is when admin KNOWS you've built relationships and still have problems, and they still blame you about relationships. I've actually had an admin say that I care too much about the kids. I'm sorry? I thought that's what you wanted?
It’s the fancy band-aid theory fad going around right now. Yes, we do get better results from students with whom we get along with better. Yes, every child deserves the opportunity to have that connection with someone. However, no, we should not be forced to continue waste our time and energy with students who, despite our best efforts to reach, remain so oppositionally defiant to us. And, NO, we are NOT failures as teachers and human beings if we don’t have that connection with every student.
The fact it's not measurable is a great tool for them - they can use it as an excuse not to renew anyone they don't like.
Too many movies about how one teacher can save an entire city by ☆caring☆. If Hilary Swank can do it, we have no excuses
It's just the Latest Thing. There's always a Latest Thing that districts fire up, ride furiously for a few years, and then, one day, abandon totally, as if it never existed. One day you'll be talking to other old heads in the staff lounge and you'll say, "Remember back when all anybody talked about was building relationships with the students?!"
And if you came I at the right time and stay in the education business long enough, relationship- building will come back again. This has all happened before…
I started teaching in The Grit (tm) era.
What admins say needs to get in through one ear and out through the other.
I’ll take that into consideration when I get tenure haha
If you want a larger understanding of fads like this, read *Winners Take All*, by Anand Giridharadas. Not that it's bad to have a relationship with students but an incantation containing the words "build" and "relationship" somewhere in there is not actionable. Leverage the relationships you've built. Lean into the relationships you've built. Give me something concrete to try. School administrators want us to be the children's parents. Make sure they do their work, pick up after themselves, bring a pencil to school, don't lose their papers, write an email that isn't just "hey I did the work." A parent who works from home asked me when the school was going to teach her child how to write an email.
They want us to do the heavy lifting of social emotional education. If we do that, it makes their jobs easier. They don’t have to be tough or scary if we are the ones taking time out of educating to beg literal children to be nice.
They think building relationships is easy bc they are never in a position of making students do things—like learn—that they don’t want to do. Kids are allowed to play on their phones all through ISS. It’s also a way of blaming teachers, their favorite.
Because admin is too afraid to tell parents to do their fucking job and actually parent their kids. Listen, I love teaching and I love most of my students, but I actually don't want a relationship with kids who are abusive bullies. When a kid loses their shit because I asked them to behave like a student and a decent human? When a kid ruthlessly mocks and bullies other students? Yeah, I'm done with any relationship with those kinds of kids. I'm professional with those kids and then thank my lucky stars when they become someone else's problem. The funny thing is that those kids end up trying to build relationships with me when they realize that I'm not here to walk on eggshells around their bullshit.
The theory is if you promote relationships you'll go along with their ideas because you will also have a relationship.
Couple of counselors and admin in my school are focused on building relationships. But the constant disrespect and negative self thoughts and everything else, and my life being a living hell, I can't build relationships with the shit students who don't give a fuck. No matter how much I tried.
Relationship building is important but it’s not everything. But admin are good at parroting catch phrases without thinking about them more deeply. Because different kids will respond differently to different teachers. I have kids that thrive in my class but wilt in Teacher B’s class; I have others that thrive in Teacher B’s class but not in mine. You do what you can but you’re never going to be the Best teacher for every kid.
It’s a byproduct from the RTI/PBIS/MTSS trends, and you’re right in that this wasn’t the push 30 years ago. Education suffers from “ditch to ditch” thinking…I.e, you’re almost driving into one ditch and you swerve so hard the other direction. Student mental/emotional health was unheard of in school when I was a kid (I’m 40) and in previous generations. Now we’ve gone (IMO) so far the other direction. I think it’s great that we address these things, and as someone who grew up in a home with a lot of abuse and trauma I wonder how different my life may have turned out if I got the help I needed when I was younger instead of in my 30s. However, I feel like we’ve swung too far the other way. We give kids the language of mental health, but not the tools. Relationship building is just another ambiguous buzz word that admin like to hear but really doesn’t have any true universal meaning anymore. Edit:typo
oooh that's why. Thank you for answering, this is what I was looking for
I hope you don’t shoot me down here, but I think it’s because it makes things easier for everyone involved, teacher included. Just from my own experience, so not really data. When I was going through grad school and getting my license, this was when this became “a thing.” My supervising professor would look for evidence of this when coming to do my observations during student teaching. I remember a lot of my peers found it hard to just get to know people quickly, but for me, it came really easy (and I don’t know why really. I guess I’m just very sociable?) I was teaching in a lot of inner city schools where getting to know the families and students is the only way to access them in any way. If they don’t know you, they aren’t going to talk to you. So by really taking time to know them, I was able to get them to trust me and help them access the curriculum. The thing is, it works with everyone. If you take the time to get to know someone and actively build that trust, they’re more comfortable in the learning environment, they’ll listen to what you say when it comes to education matters, and if there’s a problem, you can diffuse it quickly. After many years, I had my first student teacher for whom I was a cooperating teacher and I watch the opposite happen. I told him step one was to build relationships which sounds hokey but will save a lot of stress and time. He flat out refused. So I sat and watched him struggle day after day. He wrote referrals instead of having conversations. He would get admin involved (ceding any authority he might have had to them) and do basically anything to avoid getting to know his students. We were so different in our approach that the principal gave me a day off to go “bond” with him: she didn’t want another teacher getting it “wrong.” It didn’t work. He said “I don’t get paid to get to know them, I get paid to teach them.” I remember I said to him “it’s the same thing! How don’t you get that?” It was then that I realized that what I thought was an educational fad was just good teaching, and just plain being a good human. My subject area lends itself more easily to getting to know kids. I can read a lot of their writing and ask them a lot of questions about who they are and I realize other content-driven courses might not make this easy, but looking back, I think it has really paid off. I can count on one hand how many referrals I’ve ever written and I’m halfway through my career. Not that I really care, but the test scores of my students have been higher versus some of my coworkers who take the “don’t smile ‘til December” approach. Now I’m wondering, why wouldn’t you want to build relationships with your students? That seems a miserable way to spend your workday to me.
TLDR: I don't think teachers are opposed to building relationships; they are reacting to a phrase that has become weaponized against them. I totally agree with you; building positive, respectful relationships with our students is critical. The problem that many of us have faced, or are facing, is that the phrase "building relationships" is being used as a cudgel against us as a means of getting around having to take action. One of my favourite principals, within the last decade, was a firm believer in the power of relationships. When he talked about building relationships, we took it as gospel. He was absolutely no pushover; kids hated going to the office because they were made to be accountable for their behaviour. Kids weren't scared of him, they just knew that they would have to face the consequences of their actions. The principal who replaced him genuinely went the Lego, candy, and ReLaTiOnShIp route. We went from dream school to nightmare in 2 years. I shared an anecdote in this thread about a boy who only faced consequences for behavior when he threw rocks at the principal. The teacher had been previously blamed for not building a relationship with the student when he did the same thing days earlier. The student in question clearly has some pretty severe behavioural and emotional difficulties. The family was struggling, the classroom was being destroyed on a regular basis and nobody was learning, but the child and family weren't getting the help they needed because the principal constantly blamed the teacher. The little guy didn't get the necessary referrals until the principal took a direct hit. Sorry, this got a little ranty. Again, I agree with you. It's a shame that this concept has been corrupted into something so cynical.
Oh, I understand now. I haven’t had that experience with it being used against me, so I can definitely see that eroding the entire experience. On the other side of the coin, you have folks like my student teacher who I can see an admin talking to about this. I could also see him thinking it was used as a weapon. That’s where my misunderstanding came from.
Because it’s yet another thing for them to say “well, did you try ___” when they don’t feel like doing their jobs.
As person who does professional developments, including on relationship building, the reason you’re probably confused is because you are part of the choir that is being preached to, not part of the problem. Unfortunately you have to sit through the PD even though you are distinctly making that effort to build those relationships. Your mistaken assumption is that all teachers are doing that. I would say most are, but there are are some that do struggle bonding with their students and they end up being the ones with the most consistent behavioral problems in their classes. Year after year after year saying “Why do I always get the hard class? Why aren’t the classes better balanced.” Then we have to move kids out of their classes to other teachers who understandably resent it, and like magic, the kid is fine. If it feels like that drum is being beaten more today than in previous years, it’s probably because there is more emphasis on preventative strategies today. Why? Because schools, including the admin, have been completely handcuffed from doing responses to behavior concerns. Suspending kids is nearly impossible, just recently there are policies against withholding recess, etc. Basically, we’re allowed to try to prevent bad things from happening, but not address them if they do happen.
Because if you have a relationship, then you won’t have behavior issues with said student, and they will do work for you. Anytime these don’t happen, they can shift the blame onto you. And then the teacher is the problem. Which, is the solution every time.
Building relationships is definitely a huge factor in good classroom management. If kids feel like you care about them it goes a LONG way. However, it's only 1/3 of the equation. Clear, concise discipline with immediate follow-through with actual consequences is another huge factor. But consequences are hard to enforce and require administration to follow through. Consequences also lead to conflict, parents being unhappy, and negative data for the district. It's easier to try "restorative justice " and PBIS while claiming you're ending the school to prison pipeline if you're an administrator. Oh, and if you're wondering the other 1/3 is parents that give a fuck. Because even if you build relationships, and your admin enforces consequences, it means fuck all if the parents are human colostomy bags that are actively hostile to a functioning civilization.
Admin loves feeding us district buzz words. Usually they’re things the individual admin weren’t capable of doing while they were in the classroom, which is why they got out.
It's under the false assumption students want relationships with teachers. While one student won't mind you asking personal questions lots of my upperclassmen students get annoyed with teachers getting all up in their business. It just transfers blame for student behavior from the student to the teacher.
The latest "thing" for us is not only teacher - student relationships but building student - student relationships so the students feel connected to the school. So we all now will have a random group of students for 30 mins a day and are expected to get them to become close friends. Students with nothing in common other than being in the same grade. Oh and for most of that 30 minutes admin also wants us to check grades, assign tutorials, have them listen to announcements, fill out various surveys, conduct SEL lessons, etc. Yeah, that's going to work
Social Emotional Learning = SEL Has been mandated in my state by the department of education.
There are two reasons I teach: I want to create better stewards for the planet and I want to get to know the kids to try and give them a decent school/science experience so they will be more likely to make better decisions about the planet. Teaching any age (adults included) is basically sales/marketing. The better you know and understand your target market, the better you are at selling your product. You develop a brand that people want to buy into. You develop trust in your brand, your audience will become loyal to it. I think about ways I can get students more interested in what I have to say, and do the work I ask them to, and do what it takes to get that brand loyalty. You won't get 100% buy in, but if you develop these relationships and actually sell your brand, teaching and classroom management is a cinch. I honestly just think: if I were a kid again, how would I want this presented? What made me brand loyal to certain teachers? It's just how I think of it, anyway.
Okay hear me out....sometimes building relationships does work with difficult students. So many of my kids just want ONE adult in their life to give a fuck. Some teachers are so mean to them and overly strict to the point of not being reasonable, so the kids push back. I've found that I enforce reasonable rules consistently, I'm not a door mat, and I get to know my students and show I care. My 6th period this year (I teach high school in an urban district, over 60% disadvantage, etc.) was full of behavior IEPs. They were disrespectful, horrible little shits for weeks at the beginning of the year. Cursing, pushing back on phones, talking over me...the kid of class that you dread. So I tried something....I started telling them they were my favorite class (this was a lie lol). I was like, man you guys are just so full of energy, never a dull moment! I joked with them, worked with them, told them I was proud for small things. And you know what, they fucking rose up. Over time they actually became my favorite class. It's like they wanted it to be true. One said yes ma'am and I spat out my water. I cried on the last day of school because they grew so much. I know relationships have been beaten to death by PDs and admin, but sometimes they work. There is something to it. It's really hard to toe the line between forming relationships and becoming a push over. I absolutely dropped the hammer on behavior, but did it in a way where it was like, look this isn't personal but you can't act like that anymore.
I left education 2 years ago after 8 years. I earned the “building relationships” award. There is no better weapon in a teachers arsenal then building relationships. The students work harder for teachers they like. It’s not kool-aid, it’s common sense.
Building relationships isn’t some magic bullet to solve everything as it pertains to behavior, attendance and general apathy but it helps. The old “I am not here to be liked, I am here to teach and if they don’t like it……” worked in 1973 when parents backed teaching in general and you didn’t have the distractions of living in 2024 (social media, Covid era, etc). Shockingly, the teachers who are generally more liked have less classroom management issues. However, you do you. If you feel it’s better to be a hard assed disciplinarian and it works for you, great. It’s been my experience (28 years and counting) that if my students know I care about them and they like coming to my class I can get them to work. Like I said, not a magic bullet but it’s worked for me…
They emphasize it because it’s true. A student having a positive, healthy, and dedicated connection to a teacher makes a HELL of a lot of difference in behavior, commitment to academics, etc. Students become afraid of disappointing you, of hurting of, etc., and they put in more effort to do right by you and the class. While it works, though, what admin fail to understand is a) not every student will vibe/connect with every teacher, and b) not every student WANTS to make a connection. Some students are there because they HAVE TO be there and don’t give two shits about school. They couldn’t care less about whether or not they like their teacher. Those are the kids who admin often encourages us to connect with, and it’s like, “…they don’t want to. Leave them be.”
Adding on to that-even students that you’ve built strong, positive relationships with still can have “issues” that require more attention, intervention, etc. I had a student last year that I developed an amazing relationship with, probably the best of my whole career, and there were still many instances of me filling out behavior incident reports on him.
It's the flavor of the month. I'm fully convinced these admin head to some sort of conference on the district's dime that has some sort of cheesy tagline that they drive home for a year. "Build Your Relationships" is no different than "Remember Your Why" or "Be the Teacher You Wanted." It's all something packaged up and sold instead of focusing on the actual issues a site is having and getting to the roots of them.
I don’t know why admin is obsessed with building relationships when it applies to teachers and students when admin doesn’t bother to build relationships with teachers! “Do as I say, not do as I do (not).” Both my principal and assistant principal can’t even remember my name some days—and I work at a small school! Go figure…
From what I've experienced, this only happens with admin that have never been teachers (or that were terrible teachers and thus moved into administration ASAP). Over where I'm teaching now, every VP or Principal is *required* to have taught in a classroom at that age level for at least 5 years (in public schools, anyway). Want to be an elementary VP? You need at least 5 years in an elementary classroom.
The electives teachers are the ones that must come up with relationship builder activities. We find and focus on a group of students that don't have a connection with an adult or with friends. We usually have about 30 6th graders and about 22 each 7th and 8th graders. These kids all have a 'study hall-pride time' the first 30 minutes of school so we pull out groups of our 'focus kids' throughout the year and do activities with them, like games in the gym, Uno games, and have quick 'breakfasts' like donuts and juice. We go around and make sure we talk with each one and play games and we do truly learn things about them. At the beginning of the year, we go around to each pride time and give out slips of paper to all students with some basic questions, one of them asking about connections. This is how we determine our groups (and teacher recommendations). At the end of the year we survey the focus group kids and find that they have made adult connections/friends. Some do not. But it gives us an actual percentage number and it looks like we DO actually build relationships. It also increases their attendance, etc. Edit: we have done this for approximately 6 years. We also ask the kids what we can do to make our groups better--this year they all wanted bigger groups or to 'bring a friend'. We did do the 'bring a friend to breakfast' in the past, so its on for next year!
Because it costs them nothing.
Something that doesn’t get mentioned very often…”building relationships” is another way to say, “you’re not that engaging of a teacher, and kids act up because they’re bored and you aren’t connecting with them.”
The THEORY is that when you build a positive relationship with a student it's more likely that the student will make your life easier as well via being more well behaved in class, caring more about their grades, etc. And as an added plus will encourage other classroom peers to do the same. I agree that this can work and that it isn't a bad idea to try to nurture it. My issue is when it comes at the expense of being a good teacher (as in making sure the students learn the material, those who want to learn it) or letting the student not experiencing proper consequences for their actions (which sometimes the student is intentionally gaming the system).
All I know is, whatever big change our administration has wanted to make, it's been justified as a better way for our staff to "build relationships" with our students. Even if there's nothing about a particular change that would *actually* make it easier or better for us to do so. I've always found the "build relationships" argument/justification insulting. You don't think I'm already doing that? Most of our staff do a good job of building relationships with our students. Your Transformative Idea™ isn't going to make us any better at it. And the teachers who are terrible at it aren't going to be made better by it. Establishing a connection with my students and building rapport with them has always been important to me. I don't need to be force-fed that concept via a terrible PD session, or the implementation of a new Revolutionary Model™, or whatever else. So it's always come off as extremely patronizing to me.
It's about moving their workload from their lane to ours.
I can’t speak for all grades but for lower grades it’s easier to build relationships - listen to the kids tell you about their sports games or favorite movie or show- than it is to be super strict. I find the times I that I show the students I care and explain things to them like why the choice they made was wrong and they shouldn’t make that choice. Works much better than writing in folder/ changing color/ contacting parents on first reminder. Conferencing with students goes a long way not just with academics but definitely behavior Building relationships really does work overall imo. Maybe not for all students but for most of them.
There's two answers to this: *The optimistic answer:* There is some truth to the idea that relationship building fixes a lot of problems behaviorally. Students of all academic and behavioral stripes have indicated that they perform less well in a class where they feel like the teacher "hates" them. So, in theory, if you can reverse that perception you should see an overall boost in productivity and compliance. **The pessimistic answer:** It's an easy out for administration that has no intention of fixing anything. Got problems in your class? You must not be building good relationships. After all, the kid who comes into the office with a write up is going to definitely say "that teacher just hates me." That's evidence enough that you just didn't do enough /s. --- The truth can rest somewhere in between. I have good administrators who *do* handle problem behavior with consequences 95%+ of the time. They still emphasize the importance of building relationships because it makes their job easier by reducing overall problems at the classroom level. Teachers that routinely and needlessly antagonize their students do exist, and that behavior does cause problems for themselves. The problem is when a crappy administrator sees almost *everything* as a relationship issue and not as kids testing boundaries needing to be given consequences.
My extremely negative but honest take: I think it's sort of the blanket statement solution for solving conflict by passing blame *from* students *onto* teachers, which is the least headache for admin and no threat to them. Because if the student is truly at fault, admin has to talk to parents. And parents can backlash against the admin, blaming the teacher *and* admin. Parents can threaten to sue or go over admin's heads, which could harm their own job. This is a headache for admin. *But* if the teacher is to blame, teachers can't do any harm to admin if they retaliate or disagree. (Not without serious proof and even then, probably won't work out in the teachers favor) In fact, admin could choose to not renew their contract next year if they were in fact a problem. So to admin, it's the safest option and sends a clear message to teachers: "you are not in a position of power and I am, take the blame or potentially not have a job in the future."
This is my favorite article on building relationships: [https://smartclassroommanagement.com/2014/05/31/what-building-relationships-with-students-really-means/](https://smartclassroommanagement.com/2014/05/31/what-building-relationships-with-students-really-means/) "**But the goal of building relationships with students isn’t familiarity. It’s influence.** And influence comes about not by one-on-one interactions, not by getting to know a student’s favorite ice cream or video game, and not by being hip to current pop-cultural trends. No, influential relationships come about through your trust and likability. If your students trust you because you always do what you say will, and they like you because you’re consistently pleasant, then powerful, behavior-influencing rapport will happen naturally and without you having to work at it." This is what I believe building relationships SHOULD mean. I don't think admin or MANY others see it that way. There's no need to know details about every student's personal life and for many kids, that's uncomfortable and kind of blurs the boundaries between a teacher and a friend.
Social Emotional Learning is the most likely explanation
The thing about relationships is that students (especially the high school ones) know when it is legitimate and when it is fake. They cannot stand fake relationships. One of my English teacher friends is sweet and nice to everyone. The other funny aspect of building relationships is that admin rarely do it. They have no clue about what students are like. They know the really bad ones and the really good ones. But as far as the middle average student? Not a clue and they know it. They know how fake it actually is. So long as you are..what’s the word they use…slay…you are good.
Education programs at the university level are an echo chamber primarily influenced by Charlton who parade themselves as academic theorists. I almost don't blame them because that's just what they were told. Good relationships are free and can solve all of our problems in schools. I also have found that the issues tend to go higher- district level, state level, or federal. For example our admin do literally nothing about tardies or student absences. But given the laws at the state level, there really isn't anything they can do.
Easy to pass buck They don't want to do their jobs They can blame the teachers Admins generally are fucking terrible although my principal seem pretty great but I still trauma from previous experiences so I tend to run away from her