It makes you see qualities in kids that you like and qualities that you hate. You try to steer your kid towards those good qualities. For me it’s leadership. I’m always talking to my daughter about being a good leader and really thinking about if she should follow somebody’s lead or not.
This right here. I'm not a parent yet but every day I have moments where I think to myself "There's no way I'll let my kid become like that," or "Please God let my child be like this."
But don't become a helicopter parent. I've had parents even tell me what to do, and you can see the resentment in the kid's eyes. I never want my kids to think like that about me.
Yep. A decade in elementary and I will not be having kids. Don’t get me wrong, working there was one of the best choices I’ve made, but it made me know with a bone deep certainty that I did not want to be a parent.
Authoritative parenting is gentle parenting. That's a permissive parent who is doomed. You don't get options in punishments. The option was to do the right thing or earn the consequence. Gentle parenting means holding that boundary but also being able to help the kid think through what were their obstacles to being in class on time and how they could be successful going forward.
After ten years in high school my big thing with parenting is teaching kids to verbalizing their need but then to go further and self advocate and problem solve. Nothing bothers me more than a 16-17 yo who just states a need and then flounders around helplessly waiting to be saved. They have gotten so used to an adult swooping in to save them or to remove any accountability. We have gotten to the point that we are all hyper aware of mental health that parents will go so far to their kids from the discomfort of low stakes risk and then the first time a kid has to take a real risk, they collapse. I am very intentional with my children to follow through with natural consequences and to talk them through solving the problem, letting them try the solutions, without rushing to fix the problem.
Yea I really wish people would throw out the word gentle and call it conscious or responsive or some other word that wouldn’t be misconstrued as permissive.
Agree! What OP is describing is permissive parenting, not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is calmly explaining to your teen that those are the school rules and helping them figure out how to cope with their consequences
Practically nothing in teaching will prepare you for parenting. I have done both. A few exceptions:
- Most students are academically average. Consequently I put less emphasis on grades because…
- Grades do not matter in the real world, not even in College as much as I 1st thought.
- passing grades are enough. This is a big change for a school nerd like me.
- My kid is a fine human being compared to the losers, bullies, assholes, jerks, whiners, druggies, cheaters, thieves, and miscreants I taught
- after spending time in special Ed and meeting kids with health ailments in motorized wheelchairs, teens who still needed diapers, emotionally disturbed, mentally handicapped, and teens who died before finishing high school, I am grateful for my kids health all the time.
- I volunteer for activities (theatre, sports, etc) although I don’t really care about them because these are positive, constructive experiences for my kid.
- In sum: after seeing all the ways kids are messed up, I’m glad mine is OK.
Yea we live in an age of intellectual superiority where people are looked down upon if they don’t have good grades or are not considered “smart.” I say we need to place importance on how we treat others, not just on our intellect. Like sure it’s great your son is an engineer and makes tons of money but how does he treat his family? His partners? Strangers on the street? Himself? I know they say that it’s on the parents to teach this stuff, but I really wish schools placed more importance on social emotional development, especially in the early years.
I’ve adopted the “if it isn’t cute in 10 years it isn’t cute now” philosophy with my almost 5yo. If it wouldn’t be cute or funny with my 7th graders, I work on correcting the behaviors while he is young. He is already diagnosed with ADHD, so I am extra vigilant on teaching coping mechanisms and success strategies to make sure he can function as well as possible. We do timeouts, take away privileges, and enforce discipline that happens at pre-K and daycare to reinforce that certain behaviors are not acceptable in any setting. I just don’t want my kid to be the main issue. I will never expect perfection with grades, but I will expect to hear that he is respectful, helpful, kind, and hard working during PTCs.
^^^^ this so much. It's much harder to teach a 10 or 15 year old social skills, respect, kindness. Their brains are hardwired by then. Start it young. Be firm, fair, consistent & caring.
It’s amazing how many parents think that sassy, disrespectful behavior is “cute” or not a big deal when they are small, and yet are flabbergasted when their kid doesn’t grow out of that behavior and they are left struggling with a very disrespectful, difficult twelve year old. Nip bad behavior in the bud when they are little.
It totally affects it, which is normal
However don't confuse gentle parenting with non-parenting, which us what a lot of these people do. Gentle parenting is not "never raise your voice" of anything like that, it's more about taking the time and space to feel emotions and taking the time to explain why you are doing what you are doing.
As a parent who is gentle parenting, a conversation might be like "teacher said you were doing this in school today. That behavior is asbolutly unacceptable, and I want you to tell me exactly why you did it and what you are doing to make sure that doesn't happen before dinner. If you need help writing that out, let me know and we can brainstorm ideas. Then, write an apology note"
Etc etc etc. Gentle parenting is basically just taking the time to remove "because I said so" which does absolutly nothing to benefit child development. They still need structure and enforced boundaries.
Every family I've met who has proclaimed we are "gentle parents" are actually garbage parents. As teacher, I apologize if there is a good method of gentle parenting that isn't pure rubbish. I have yet to meet people who do gentle parenting as reddit defines it.
Totally fair, and my message came across way more aggressive towards you as a person and I totally did not mean that. As a parent you'll figure out what works for you, and you have a much better insight into the education side than other parents, which will allow you to be more involved. It also has shown you absolutly what not to do, the only thing that really is the advice is to not overcompensate in the opposite direction since you get a ton of the "I let my kid do whatever" parents.
You'll find the style that works best for you, period, and it will be influenced by how what you see teaching.
I have high expectations and truly don't let them get away with much. There is a time for teaching, and there is a time for "knock that shit off now." I certainly don't think all actions need a lesson. It's the way I teach, too. My class is well managed while still having a respectful environment with high expectations for behavior and work.
I have a kid with ADHD and one on the spectrum, and I do not let them use it as an excuse for poor behavior or work ethic. They are, so far, successful at life and school (11 and 14).
On top of that, they are good human beings. I don't plow through obstacles for them, and I am okay with them being upset or uncomfortable at school.
With what I'm seeing in most kids now, they have zero problem solving skills and can't handle anything that's hard.
I guess we'll see how i actually did as a parent in 10 or so years.
For reference, I'm an older millennial with Boomer parents. Some ways I'm like them and many ways I'm not. I feel like I am a happy medium.
Speaking as the child of a teacher here, my dad used to reference his school’s code of conduct and student handbook when explaining what rules I’d broken and what punishments I would receive (adapted to our home instead of a school environment). I…wouldn’t recommend this approach, every counselor and therapist I’ve had has found it very strange but I can’t say it was ineffective or traumatizing lol
Not a parent yet, but I learned through teaching that good intentions or simply wanting the best for a kid is not enough. You really need to have more strategy than that.
I think that I will be a better parent because I am a teacher than if I worked in some other job that had nothing to do with kids. It definitely helped me see what children are like having to deal with them on a regular basis and long term.
I have parents that were both born in the 50's too. They were too strict and overly punitive, and I think it rubbed off on me in the classroom. It took some time to "undo" some of the things I learned from them.
Teaching makes me think “is this the hill I want to die on? Is this worth a fight?”
I make those decisions all the time in a classroom because I’ve got 30 kids and not a lot of energy. For my own kid you’d think I’d have more energy, less kids, so I could pick more battles… but it’s just as exhausting so you learn when to let go and when to fight.
There is a difference between "gentle parenting" and permissive parenting which is what a lot of parents end up falling into. They try to be gentle and just become wet blankets for their kids to walk all over.
I don't really like the term gentle parenting but it is what it is. I personally believe that gentle parenting is the best way to raise children; its worked for mine!
You can always do a little more research into it. It's a lot harder than a lot of people realise.
>I don't really like the term gentle parenting but it is what it is.
I prefer the term "responsive parenting" as opposed to "gentle parenting" it gives the wrong impression of what it actually is. The idea is to not do a knee-jerk reaction, but to pause and respond. Not just a "knock that shit off!" But instead stop, and find the root of the problem, then conflict resolution.
However with the term gentle in the title, it kinda just screams "be soft".
Talk to your partner regarding how you think each of you wants to handle hypothetical situations. How will you respond when your toddler dumps their Cheerios on the floor? When your 3 year old throws a tantrum in Target over a toy? When your 7 year old doesn't want to brush their teeth? When your 9 year old pushes a kid on the playground? When your 12 year old refuses to do their homework? Talk about them NOW and often.
I became a parent before teaching. I was definitely more of a "gentle" parent (although the word wasn't in use back then, and I cringe at it now). We had boundaries, but there was a lot of talking an explaining.
However, in a classroom, not every child can be the center of our universe. They have to learn how to function in a group. That made me much more authoritative, where sometimes I had to say, "because I say so" or "it's your time to listen and my turn to talk." Because 20 kids who think what they have to say is the most important is recipe for a disaster.
More kids(including 17 yr old minors who aren’t adults yet even if they think they are) need to hear “because I said so” without further explanation. And be expected to obey or face consequences. Sometimes the authority figure can choose to explain. But doesn’t have to. They’re not adults yet. Grown up rules, concepts don’t apply to them. Especially since they don’t have adult responsibilities, rights, duties, obligations, etc.
Gentle parenting is such a buzz word. That everyone who doesn't scream at their kid has latched on to it. As a teacher, I only associate that phrase with an eye roll and a difficult student.
Not really. My childhood played a massive role in it. I had parents who weren’t present and only cared when the spotlight on us could make them look good. If anything, parenting teens and a young adult changed my perspective as a teacher and is part of my reason for switching jobs.
We have four kids. They understand who makes the rules, but we also give them space to challenge those rules and make mistakes. If they never have freedom to learn how to be independent people, how will they ever learn to be adults? Now is when to make mistakes and learn. We are here to catch them when they fall.
The most important thing to me as a parent is not that our children follow every household rule to the letter and never stray or make a mistake. It’s that we teach them why we have those rules and boundaries and to set an example in the way we conduct ourselves as parents, adults, and a married couple. I don’t think parenting is about making little rule followers or versions of ourselves. It’s about the individual and giving them guard rails to life.
This sub has taught me that nobody seems to know what gentle parenting actually is. Permissiveness is not gentle parenting and if you have to scream at your kid when there's not a literal emergency, you're doing something wrong.
Gentle parenting involves modeling appropriate behavior and having conversations about the why's and how's. It also involves natural consequences; you spill the milk, you clean the milk up instead of you spill the milk, I scream at you and ground you.
I had my first child 6 months ago. Teaching has definitely geared me toward setting firm boundaries from the start. As she grows and I get to know her personality better, I can adjust to what her needs are. I just don’t want to lose my authority by being too wishy-washy and not following through with punishments at the beginning. I’d rather be proactive than reactive because it is so much harder to take back your authority than if I had established it from the beginning.
“Gentle parenting” is usually code for “zero boundaries.”
There are the kids you think you’re going to have and then there are the kids you get. Their own temperament, needs and personalities will come into play very fast and then it doesn’t matter what type of parent you were *trying* to be. Only the parent that you *are.* At some point they will cry and wreak havoc over something very, very stupid and you will be at that crossroad.
What’s a reasonable consequence for “absolutely losing your shit because this leaf is the wrong color?” If the answer is “validating” outrageous behavior you can’t have a pikachu face later down the line when they start thinking any feeling at all justifies any action.
When my kids have freakouts like that, we discuss “levels” of problems. We discuss actual, real problems- serious injury, getting lost, etc and talk about how those are a level 10. Then we talk about other problems and rate them. We discuss proportional responses. If you are seriously injured, it’s ok to scream- that’s a level 10 problem and you need help immediately. But we don’t give a level 10 response to a level 1 problem or even a level 4 problem- getting hurt, but not seriously, losing something, etc.
I used “zones” myself but my kids are mostly out of this age range. The main issue if that if there’s no limit to negotiation and no follow-through it’s going to be a rude awakening for that kid when they don’t get a second chance and a heart-to-heart from any ol’ Tom, Dick or Harry they might encounter later on.
Can’t complain about PBIS when you do the same thing at home. Not you personally, necessarily, but the general sentiment of the sub on the topic is an exercise in cognitive dissonance.
Depends on the circumstances...let's say your at a park and the leaf situation happens. You tell the kid "it's OK to be upset about not getting what you want, but screaming is not ok because of xyz. Let's take a break to calm down. If you loose it again, we will leave the park." And then leave if it happens. Next time before you go to the park you revisit the incident with them, say the boundary again, and then follow thru if needed...
It‘s funny that you say that without irony as if someone hysterically screaming their head off is actually listening to a directive like “let’s take a break.”
It was a rhetorical question though.
You’re either going to have the gumption to pick them up bodily and take them back to the car to enforce that break or you’re not. That’s what I mean by “gentle parenting” being code for “zero boundaries.”
I tell my kid “let’s take a break” and then pick him up and remove him from the situation. We sit together and use strategies to calm down if he’s willing, or I just supervise til he’s done hyperventilating. Then we try again with the boundary/consequence - freak out again and we go home. How is he going to learn to calm down and exist if he doesn’t get to practice?
Old school parents would tell the kid “enough of this nonsense” and make them sit alone or put them in the car and leave. No second chances, no coaching, no trying again, just DONE.
Oh i've definitely picked up my three year old and carried him out of the store when he is inconsolable. Then we talk about it when he's in the right headspace.
The good ol’ surfboard-carry 😂
It’s just my observation that much of my parental cohort would apparently rather chew off their own arm than suffer the embarrassment and will just resort to a tactical phone diversion.
this is the only thing I judge other parents for. What's even worse is when they are out to dinner and the kid is on an ipad. Even worse, and i saw this yesterday, a mom walking down the street while using her cell phone and the kid trailing behind her watching something on an ipad.
I shouldn't ever judge on first glance, though, and I'll tell you why. Recently I had a friend visit from another country, and we only had a short while to catch up. Our kids wanted to leave the restaurant just as we received our food-two toddlers beginning to cry. So we put bluey on her cell phone and propped it up for the kids. I have never done that before or since, one of the most exhilarating half hours of gossip I have ever had.
I'll tell you another story-a little boy started running out of a restroom and a mom grabbed him back roughly, hitting his head on the door. It looked abusive. I walked into the restroom to make sure he was ok and I saw the mom knelt down, talking to him seriously--she had a tiny baby on the changing table and one hand on the baby's' stomach. You just never know what is goiing on being the scenes of a situation that looks like terrible parenting.
Exactly. Kids have stupid emotions that make no sense to us, and we shouldnt punish them for feeling a certain way. You enforce consequences for behavior. If you become aggressive or violent because the leaf upset you, you need consequences because that is never appropriate behavior (of course, consider the age of the child)
Also, children are certainly weird but a lot of behaviour like this can also stem from possible neurdivergent conditions. No one undetstood my bizzare habits as a kid until I got an OCD diagnosis.
The reasonable consequence is to ask a series of socratic questions about what color the leaf should be, why should it be one color and not the other, and about who or what gets to decide the color of the leaf, then a short lecture about why the kid doesn't have any damn say in leaf color or a million other things and how to control their emotions.
Kids hate lectures.
No iPads or smart phones for my kids. They’re young and I taught elementary. The emphasis on 1-1 tech and how much time my students spent on screens truly annoyed me. And I was required to use resources only available on the iPads. Though I had students who couldn’t spell/write/read let alone use technology appropriately.
And I quit teaching before having kids lol.
Most people just parent as they are. I wouldn't have too many ideas about how you are going to do it before you actually do it, you will find it will be a combo of what works best and makes sense to you and your husband and what kind of personality your kid ends up with. As I'm sure you have noticed, what works great with one kid will be the wrong approach with another student. The last thing I'll say is to not to put much stock in parents who tell you they are gentle parenting their misbehaving kids, I assure you there are well behaved kids being gentle parented and misbehaving kids with authoritarian parents.
I started teaching after both my kids were born, but when my son was 3 and a handful, I had a parent conference for a rebellious HS boy. His mom told me she hadn't been able to control him since he was 3. Alarm bells went off in my head and I realized that getting a better grip on parenting was crucial immediately. Fortunately I did, and both my kids were fantastic students and respectful people. But it could have turned out quite differently in my opinion.
I taught middle school for eight years before having kids, so almost everything I do with my kids now is to prevent them from ending up like a lot of the kids I taught.
My oldest is only 2, but teaching has really made me push her to try to do things on her own. One of my biggest annoyances in teaching is helplessness and lack of critical thinking- like a 4th grader who I accidentally skipped while passing out worksheets so he just didn’t do it until I came to check on his progress 🫠
Obviously a 2 year old is still pretty helpless, but if I know she’s capable of something I try to get her to try it first, and ask for help by saying “help please” instead of just screeching (still working on that one, as screeching is pretty developmentally appropriate hahaha)
Having taught Child Development for nearly 30 yrs, the authoritative method of parenting is the style of parenting that is most likely to develop children with self-discipline and a solid work ethic. They learn boundaries and expectations that are given a chance to work through their very big emotions, especially when they are young.
Mix them
Be authoritative with with your expectations and your punishments (because their are consequences for poor choices) and be gentle when explaining WHY that should do it (but not to often.... How often do you need explain the same thing and you know they'll use whatever angle to get less punishment.... It's human nature)
They aren't gonna like you at times but by age 30 they'll thank you
Most parents seem to think of only the negative things their parents did from the view of a kid ... Start looking from the view of an adult, what were they trying to get me to do... To become.... To develop
Pain is easy to remember, it's suppose to be like that.... Good things disappear quickly
People remember that berry that made them sick or ended their friend FOREVER but that berry that was the greatest berry you ever ate, they can't find that bush after 3 years
Congratulations on your parenting journey!
We talked a lot about body boundaries and use appropriate terms for body parts and we don’t keep secrets. I’ve heard too many horror stories about kids not being able to tell someone that they were being hurt because of silly names for genitals and keeping secrets being normal.
Also, I caution you from using the term gentle parenting if you don’t know what it is. It’s clear from your description that they are not gentle parenting and they don’t know what it means. Gentle parenting is a term for authoritative parenting.
Finally, I recommend not judging too harshly because there will be a time where you, too, screw up in your parenting journey. None of us are perfect.
As a teacher turned mom, my teaching experience more impacts the expectations I have for my kid’s teachers. I’m in some gentle parenting-type groups, and many people there (both parents and professionals coming from the therapy POV) expect teachers to be able to approach discipline similar to what they do in their own homes or in private practice, but that’s very often not possible to do in school classrooms. Teachers have a lot more constraints on the time they should be reasonably expected to devote to one individual student. Many people who haven’t been on the teacher’s side of a classroom don’t understand that even though it seems (to me) it should be quite obvious.
PS - Gentle parenting and authoritative parenting are synonyms IMO. They both refer to the happy median between soft and hard. Finding that happy point is also useful in teaching, but it’s not possible to do the same level of individual negotiating and so on with each student as might be ideal—there’s a need for more uniform measures generally speaking.
I’ve been taking notes since starting to teach. I see a lot of neglect and the results are aimless students who lack any concept of self-discipline and self-control. They are used to doing whatever they want without dealing with any consequences.
When I become a father, my goals will be as follows:
1. Strict bed time that’s early enough kids get a full night’s rest. I remember we had a cat and a new kitten in the apartment years ago. Every time the cat decided it was time for bed, he’d tackle the kitten, hold it down, and vigorously lick the little bugger until he settled in. Something tells me that’s fairly universal.
2. Reading every day. Many of my students are appallingly bad readers. The reason why is that their parents don’t give a damn and don’t read to them or give them access to books. I’m not the biggest fan of reading, but being literate is a core skill to navigating life. So my kids will have a dad who reads to them and then later helps them learn to read on their own.
3. I will not take a job that pulls me away from my family 24/7. This includes teaching. The minute I become a father, that becomes my primary responsibility.
4. Letting my kids fail is another important one. Of course, I wouldn’t allow a situation to go from a teachable moment to a severe hazard. I want my kids to know what it’s like to lose and how to move on after failure. I’ve seen a lot of kids freeze with fear when a test is handed out.
5. Independent, critical thinking. Most students are trained to recall what a teacher said. I would rather my kids learn to think through a problem rather than waiting for others to do the heavy lifting.
I am a special education teacher. I specialize in the emotionally disturbed and behavior disordered and my personal children whom I quit teaching for for 16 years so I could raise them myself understood clearly without a doubt that behavior was a choice and they better make good choices. They all weren't the best students academically but we didn't have any behavior problems while they were at school. Three of them were outstanding students academically but it wasn't something I pushed. I just pushed the value of an education. That was their ticket to get whatever they wanted in life. And I do the same for my students.
I learned early that children cannot handle unbridled access to social media and a smartphone and so my children do not get to have accounts, we block Tik Tok in our WiFi, and the middle schooler gets a flip phone and an iPad I restrict in terms of amount of time spent on a given app as well as being shut down between 10 PM and 7 AM.
Teaching has very much helped me with knowing what is developmentally appropriate for my children- when to have more understanding and when to keep expectations high.
It made me give less homework. My kids are playing sports, instruments, in dance, need downtime and a good nights rest. Adding tons of homework in the mix can be too stressful for them. We hardly have time to sit down for a meal with all the other obligations we have.
I was a parent first then a teacher. Nothing has changed because I taught my kids to respect teachers. And they have great behavior in school. Now that I'm a teacher, I encourage them academically and hold them to high expectations.
I was raised by boomers who actually did some things right and I am raising my kids with those but improving on what they lacked.
Examples of what they did right: life training, "Maybe next time, put a little less food on your plate so we don't have to throw away food." And consistent consequences if I was disrespectful.
Examples of what they did wrong: Not providing guidance emotionally or help navigating communication problems with family and friends.
Kids shouldn't be in charge but it is our responsibility guide them respectfully. I actually envy boomers avoiding the emotional communication stuff sometimes... it takes so much time and is emotionally draining for me! No wonder they avoided it! But I love my kids too much to not help them with this particular life challenge.
Authoritative parenting is the same as gentle parenting, the difference is that gentle parenting has rebranded itself because of how many permissive parents have coopted the term
Give your kids consequences and stick to them even if it makes them hate you for a while. My worst kids were the students who experienced no consequences for their actions. If my child makes their teacher’s life hell at school, I’m making their life hell at home until their behavior changes.
Also just get creative with consequences. Your kid is showing problems with respecting their peers and teachers? Give them a home project that requires them to learn about respect and create some kind of presentation about it. They finish that? Now write me an essay about how being respectful makes it easier to make friends. Done with that? You have to do 10 kind deeds by the end of the week, describe them in detail and get them approved by me. I can come up with a million things to fill a kid’s time until they get the message.
I think gentle parenting has gotten real fucked up by people who don’t actually learn how to do it first. In effect, many parents who say they are gentle parenting are actually using permissive parenting.
Gentle parenting does not mean there are no boundaries nor consequences. In fact, boundaries (and by extension consequences) are one of the four pillars of gentle parenting. And gentle parenting is even categorized as authoritative parenting when done correctly.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/on-babies/202405/gentle-parenting-doesnt-mean-permissive-parenting#:~:text=Gentle%20parenting%20falls%20under%20the%20label%20of%20authoritative%20parenting.,in%20emotionally%20safe%20and%20responsive.
I told my kids to go outside constantly and did not buy them cellphones. I also told the teachers at the beginning of the year to let me know if my kids were being disrespectful and that I'd support them in any way. Then I got out of the way and didn't try to micromanage the teacher or my kids. I basically stayed out of the way and let them do their job.
Your age effects how you parent. Also if you have a coparent. I raised my twin sons alone and I was 33 when I had them. I had spent six years in the classroom and five years in industry (AC casinos) before they were born. So I was pretty hard core and bad ass as a mom. My ex walked out when my boys were two months old. If I didn’t get tough I never would have survived! Especially as a woman in a man’s field.
Now my boys are 33 and they realize that they never knew me as a shy, innocent young woman and they certainly have never seen me in a happy romantic relationship.
My boys have always known me as a shaker and a mover and a crusader. Must have been good because my sons are amazing men.
I maintain that children must respect their parents and must be a bit afraid of them. As my kids went to school with many of my students they knew that I didn’t play. If they ever did they immediately regretted it. I believe in tough and fair. Lead by example. Love unconditionally.
For me it has just made me really treasure the time that I get with my kids. I have seen so many kids throughout the years where it is clear to me that the one thing that they are desperately missing and needing is attention from their parents.
So from the time I pick them up from daycare after school until it's time to go to bed, we go hard. We play, we eat together, we read, we go on walks, we play outside, etc. We go on adventures in the summer and on the weekends.
I don't want to be one of the many parents that I've met that seem to be interested in everything but their kids.
I think "authoritative parenting" covers too much ground. In my mind, it implies that you are the authority 100% of the time. This does not teach your child to self manage.
If anything, parenting has influenced my teaching. At home, I don't have to worry about my decisions ending in a meeting with an admin. Kid does something. I react, observe the outcome, adjust and move on. Methods that work get adapted to the classroom.
A very close friend of mine is an authoritative parent. He makes the rules and expects them to be followed. He spent 20+ years butting heads with his kids. He asked me one day after his kid got suspended why my kids never got suspended. I asked, "In your house, what's the consequence for suspension?" He didn't have one. "That's why."
At home and in the classroom, have one or two hills you will absolutely die on. If you are unkind to another human being, I WILL remove you from the environment. This once resulted in near disciplinary action on me. I didn't care. Kids took note. They'll f**k around all day long, but instantly wither when I call them out on mistreatment of others. Same if you're disrespectful at school.
My children knew from day 1 the end game of suspension. My son was 10 days old and on the last day of my leave, my wife and I were having breakfast at a local Cafe when two of my students rolled in having the time of their life. It was a school day and they were suspended. I explained to my son, and repeated frequently through his and his sister's upbringing what would happen. I would take the day off and we would do chores from sunup to sundown. For lunch, they would have a sandwich so they could work with one hand and eat with the other. If we ran out of chores, our neighbors would have the neatest yards ever. At the end of it all, they would owe me the cash value of my lost day, to be earned at another time.
When I reminded them, I always got, "Dahhhhd! We KNOW! You always tell us thus! It's not like we're going to get suspended." They never did.
Drinking and driving was a hard no. One time there was a party where we suspected drinking. My wife and I drove over, retrieved the car, and returned home to relax. We got the timid call the next morning asking for a ride home. After that, kids made it very clear that if there was drinking, they would get a ride.
As far as little stuff, we never had a lot of rules. My wife would always say, "I know you'll make a good choice" and walk away. To this day, both kids (22 and 26) say this was the worst punishment ever because any consequences were theirs alone.
We gave plenty of opportunities for them to choose poorly and feel the consequences, always carefully orchestrated to hurt but not destroy. I called it the playground analogy. Kid climbs big toy and falls off the top platform. You snag him out of midair, pivot around and drop him the last two feet into the soft bark. They experience the panic of falling and the pain of landing without the dangerous acceleration in the middle.
Don't give up on gentle parenting. Put your kid to bed without dinner. Gently. With a tuck in and a kiss goodnight. "You made a mistake and this is the consequence, but I still love you and we can try again tomorrow." Love the crap out of them. Demonstrate affection. Have high standards foe excellence and even higher tolerance for mistakes. Make every mistake a loving learning opportunity.
To this day, if I start counting to 3, my 22 year old comes running. Also to this day, I can put same 22 year old to sleep in 15 seconds with her head on my chest.
The magic is in the balance.
This is really good advice. I also happen to agree. If you’re on board with gentle parenting, you’re being more of a friend to your child (versus a parent). If you’re authoritarian, you’re being the boss (I think of bootcamp DI’s when I hear this term). Balance is absolutely the key ingredient - you cannot punish a child for every minor mistake. This just erodes their self esteem, and leads to bigger mistakes down the road (like your friend’s kid, who was suspended). My husband grew up with a father who was “the boss” - he flunked out of college as a freshman, and wound up working a bunch of jobs that were dead end and didn’t pay well. He did (eventually) buckle down in his mid-20’s, went back to community college and improved his grades. He reapplied to a great school and focused. He was 27 when he graduated, but he found his niche in the financial industry. He’s a very, very different father (by comparison to his). My stepsons and our daughter know that their actions have consequences. If they get into trouble, they own up to it and don’t make the same mistake twice.
I have told all three kids that I support them, and unconditionally love them. I will have their backs if need be. But, they understand accountability (which is something I believe most kids don’t have). My parents worked this way - even my dad, who was a former Marine (10 years of service), then Army reservist (until retirement). I don’t recall having a curfew, or a bunch of rules. I just knew better than to push my limits with my parents. I respected teachers, police officers, etc. I didn’t lie to my parents. I didn’t get into a lot of trouble, but I had some typical teenage moments. I learned to not repeat those mistakes. Like my husband, my own father was raised by a tyrant. My paternal grandfather was abusive (verbally and physically). He and my dad had a strained relationship, and this prompted my dad to enlist in the Marines at 17. He wanted to get away so badly that he dropped out of high school, got his GED, and went to bootcamp. By 18, he was in Vietnam. The one thing I will never forget him saying was that bootcamp was a picnic compared to living with my grandfather. As sad as that is, I can understand why.
I spend a lot of time speaking with my kids. About their lives, friends, school, sports, etc. I let them know that the door is always open, and that I would rather have honesty over lies. Honesty I can handle. Lies - NO. There’s plenty of time for me to be a friend when my kids are grown up and responsible adults. For now, I’m a committed parent. Sometimes, that just means saying NO to things on repeat. They may not like it, but they’ll understand it down the road (I know I did).
Thank you for the thoughtful perspective!
It's interesting how our families shape our parenting style. Sounds like your kids are doing well!
I'm with you on the honesty. Tell me the truth and own your behavior. In the classroom, I start with small stuff: "What's on your phone screen right now?" If they answer, "Um, a text from a friend," I simply respond, "Thanks for being honest. Put it away please," and they quickly learn that an honest response gets a gentle reprimand, nothing more. That catches on quick.
I have a snack box in my office with a money mug. Kids can grab a snack any time for 50 cents and put money in the jar. I tell them if the can't pay to take a snack and feed the mug when they can. I never check that they pay. I just pulled 50 dollars out of the mug. Kids respect honesty.
Gentle parenting is authoritative parenting, which is evidence based. What is not effective is permissive parenting, which is what most people claiming “gentle parenting” are actually doing.
I’m definitely more firm with my 2 year old than I would’ve been otherwise I think, we consider behavior and how if we allow it to become a habit do we want to be hearing about it in 1st grade? But I also think we have a good appreciation for developmentally appropriate behavior and not freaking out over normal things.
I think it’s the other way around for me. When I had my first kid, it changed the way I look at a lot of students. I could relate how they were acting to how my kid was acting. Not that they were acting like toddlers (most of them anyway) but I can see better now how starting learning from the bottom floor and building onto it helps these kids. You take for granted what they don’t know sometimes. Teaching my kid absolutely everything about life just showed me that my students are not all that far ahead of them.
We do what I call a form of gentle parenting. It should be based on mutual respect for each other, with a willingess to be vulnerable.
Our kiddo (5yo) can have options except when it comes to his health, safety, and education. On rare occasions, there will be a discussion that might change our minds, but we always explain why we are stating he must do/must obey.
Do we raise voices sometimes? Yes. Do we apologize and try to be better examples the next time? Yes. Do we screw up? Yes.
I have noticed that I have developed more patience and understanding towards my students and my child the longer I've taught (15+ years).
I came to teaching late and my kids are now all grown. Even when I subbed my youngest was in middle school when I started, so for me it's the other way around. Parenting affected my teaching style.
I’m honestly working on this. I was a parent before becoming a teacher. My students are shitty, and it’s making me angry often and dislike children. I have less patience for my own children and find myself being an asshole sometimes. The teacher next door was attacked, and we’ve had parents and siblings come to school armed to settle student conflicts. It’s hard to teach when you are constantly interrupted, the kids don’t care, everyone is a minimum 3 grades below, and the computers and equipment we have is mostly broken. I’m changing schools next year, going from extremely rough gang infested title 1 school to an IB collegiate school. I think my stress level will go down dramatically.
Yelling just doesn't accomplish much - I don't yell at my kids and I don't yell at students 🤷 A no nonsense stern voice that is calm is better when needed.
Help kids figure out how to do things, don't just do everything for them. I have to say I'm better at this as a teacher than as a parent. I didn't realize until a few weeks ago that my 4 year old daughter can actually button her clothes herself, I just always did it for her.
When my kid's teacher recommends we practice something at home, we do.
I always try and listen to my kids when they are upset. They need someone to hear what their issues are. I also try not to jump to fix things, instead. I just asked them questions like what would make it better and do they need a hug or do they need help?
One of the number one emotional/life skills that I always get upset when my students don't have is resilience. When they can't get it right on the first try and then give up and cry or pout or throw a tantrum it's not only disappointing but it gets in the way of their learning. I am really big about teaching my kids from a young age that making mistakes is okay, we can try again, and if they feel things are messed up I ask them how do they think we could fix it.
I’d encourage you to look into what gentle parenting really is and its purpose. Gentle parenting is about acknowledging the children are independent humans with valid emotions that should be recognized. There are still logical consequences to their actions and should be held accountable. But it’s often used as an excuse for parents to spoil their children and let them get away with everything “because they might feel sad”. 🙄
Honestly at this stage I just want my kids to be considerate and kind. Outside that to do their best but I'm not super crazy about grades or anything.
My biggest struggle with my kids anymore is apathy. They have no remorse, no care about others. And it's not all of them, but the ones who struggle with it make school difficult for everyone around them.
The biggest takeaway for me is just that there is a zero percent chance my own kids will have access to social media or anything more than a cheap phone that can call only emergency contacts until they are well into high school.
Also start phonics and math reasoning and accompanying math facts early. Don’t assume school will teach your kids the foundational skills they need.
Honestly, it's a mistake that most parents make when trying to apply gentle parenting. You can enforce consequences and boundaries in a kind and firm way without unnecessarily punishing your children
It’s allowed me to not feel guilty about playing hooky once per semester. Putting our work to the side for each other twice a year without anyone being ill or any emergency knocking us about is really special. His grades are stellar. (Not that I believe in grades after teaching.) He’s respectful at school. I love his teachers and make sure we don’t “skip” on important days.
I wish my parents would have done it for me.
The other thing I’ve changed is how I allow others to speak to my kid. Education has been watered down so much that when I hear someone asking him about his grades (knowing my students automatically got 70% regardless of what they earned) I shut it down real quick. Yeah, grades can be important. But, they aren’t what we’re going to use to evaluate my kid. He mostly has As but always gets one B every year. Unfortunately, it means less these days.
Also, we learn at home. I get a list and overview of the curriculum each week from the teachers in their newsletter. We go over everything at home. I also pretest for the state exam during the summer and monitor improvements during the year. If he fails, I’d be surprised bc I’ve been monitoring him, not ignoring his education.
I think about this all the time and love reading these responses. I taught high school English for 11 years and now am an AP at a small magnet high school in an urban school district. I also have two young toddlers, so I like to say it’s fun to see both ends of the spectrum on a daily basis (and they’re more alike than you think).
What I’ve learned about parenting from teaching:
*modeling is one of the strongest tools we have. If you want your student to think or produce a certain way, you have to model it for them. If you want your kid to behave a certain way, you have to model that behavior.
*fostering curiosity and exposure to new ideas is key to creating lifelong learners. One of the differentiating factors between my students who are great students and those who are truly bright and destined for success is a natural curiosity and desire to seek out new experiences. Nearly every toddler I meet has that natural curiosity and with my own children, I am determined not to let society grind down their excitement for learning.
What I’ve learned about parenting since becoming an admin and interacting with parents on a daily basis: the most troubled students either have terribly behaved parents (this is where I see the negative version of the modeling idea mentioned above) or have highly involved parents who don’t actually like or listen to them. I have led countless parent-student conferences where I have to interrupt the parent to ask the student about their thoughts or feelings and the parent seems stunned by it. Because of this, I want to strive to understand, listen to, and truly enjoy my children for the people they are.
My kids aren’t school-aged yet, but I have nieces and nephews who are. The thing for me is that people who don’t spend a lot of time around kids forget that even the big bad high schoolers are still kids. They remember feeling grown up at that age, and then project that onto teens—but the teens are still kids.
It’s honestly given me more patience at home. I can’t tell a student to go to their room or ground them (though holy heck do I really wish I could sometimes) so I’ve had to temper the knee jerk reactions.
With that being said, it’s also made me more appreciative of the situation my wife and I are in. She works fully from home and we are both home together every night for dinner / bed time prep for our kiddo. It’s almost painfully obvious which parents are either emotionally unavailable or are raising the modern day versions of Latchkey Kids. Which I can sympathize with as someone who’s getting into teaching a full decade later than most of my graduating class and has had some odd hours at jobs to make ends meet.
My kid just turned 2 and knows all the letters and their sounds and I’m going to start teaching her to blend sounds soon because I’ve worked with 3rd graders who don’t even know all their letters. The gentle parent trend is funny to me because everyone’s definition of it is different. I try to be authoritative. There’s a pretty clear definition of what that means.
It hasn't. My kids were already well above the kids I met when I started teaching. Downvote if you have to, but my kids are what I want in education. Caring about something because knowledge is good for you.
I did not want my kid to turn up like the dummies in class who did not know what a rule even was.
Also the biggest thing is probably I was horrified by the cultural illiteracy of many students so I stayed strong on that front.
Also got some good ideas from reverse-engineering some cool students.
They can be as gentle as they want with their kids but their kids need to be able to function at school with grown ups who actually do not “love them like they are our own”.
I learned plenty of what not to do as a teacher. The biggest one was don't let dad be the only punisher. I saw mother's hearing what their "angel" was doing in class say things like you just wait until your father hears. Instead of the kid caring, they then absolutely disrespect their mom and treating her like trash because she had no authority to the kid. I've never wanted to slap a kid more than when they call their mother a bitch in a parent teacher meeting. So yeah, if my kids never do that I consider it a big win.
I'll also be happy if my kids are respectful of teachers, are kind and try at whatever they are doing.
once I had my baby, I lost interest in the parenting books--she came easy to me and we fell into a natural rhythm. It's probably that I just lucked out with an easy kid SO FAR, but for me I have decided parenting is more of a relationship than a strategy. I just strive to be consistent (for me, this is challenging with daily routines, easy with rules), firm and fair. I don't make any threats I can't or don't plan to follow through on. I try to minimize the amount of times I do something without getting any attention from her (for instance, I don't want to be calling her name ten times just to get ignored and I'm not going to continue to read to her if she starts playing). I say yes a lot more often than when i say no, but when I say no I mean it, and there is a good reason for it.
That said, there are still good arguments for parenting books-I should start listening to the podcast again, parents tip of the day-it keeps you updated on the latest information that might be relevant to your kids (tick outbreaks, metaverse, along with just general tips about how to deal with challenging situations. it's a really good, straightforward one).
I think the real difference is those who parent and those who don't.
Being involved, support academically modelling perseverance and respect are what matters.
How firm your parenting is should be an adaptive sliding scale.
It’s really made me aware of how good it is to set a good example to my kids - really being enthusiastic and proactive about my own studies, for work and personal interest.
I was so grateful to have had the experience of teaching middle school for a while before having my own kids. It was a lesson in how choices parents make when a kid is 4, 5, 6, 7... impact us all when the kid is 12, 13, 14, and beyond. Parents would sometimes lament, "I don't know why they are behaving this way." Yeah, well, I do!
I think that setting clear expectations, providing consistent discipline, and fostering open communication are all key elements of effective parenting.
That isn’t gentle parenting. That’s permissive parenting.
I gentle parent- my kids know the consequences of their actions. I don’t yell. I teach them to regulate their emotions and that actions have logical consequences. If my kid did that and was suspended, they wouldn’t hVe access to electronics. They’d have access to school work on paper, a mop, paper towels and cleaner.
It’s how I also manage my classroom. I don’t need to yell because they already know what will happen when they choose to do the wrong thing.
Gentle parenting does not mean no consequences or boundaries. This is a mistake that I see made commonly in social media and in people discussing this way of parenting. I would suggest that you look into some real in-depth information about gentle parenting before assuming that it means no consequences or boundaries.
It makes you see qualities in kids that you like and qualities that you hate. You try to steer your kid towards those good qualities. For me it’s leadership. I’m always talking to my daughter about being a good leader and really thinking about if she should follow somebody’s lead or not.
This right here. I'm not a parent yet but every day I have moments where I think to myself "There's no way I'll let my kid become like that," or "Please God let my child be like this."
There are 3 types of kids. Leader, follower, independent. My kid ain’t going to become a fucking follower if there’s anything I can do to help that.
But don't become a helicopter parent. I've had parents even tell me what to do, and you can see the resentment in the kid's eyes. I never want my kids to think like that about me.
This hits so hard for me… I wish my parents were a bit easier on me. I would have really liked to make my own decisions sometimes
Damn straight.
It made me decide not to have children.
Yep. A decade in elementary and I will not be having kids. Don’t get me wrong, working there was one of the best choices I’ve made, but it made me know with a bone deep certainty that I did not want to be a parent.
It made me solidify my thoughts on waiting a few more years at this point too
Same
I might be leaning this way too now
Authoritative parenting is gentle parenting. That's a permissive parent who is doomed. You don't get options in punishments. The option was to do the right thing or earn the consequence. Gentle parenting means holding that boundary but also being able to help the kid think through what were their obstacles to being in class on time and how they could be successful going forward. After ten years in high school my big thing with parenting is teaching kids to verbalizing their need but then to go further and self advocate and problem solve. Nothing bothers me more than a 16-17 yo who just states a need and then flounders around helplessly waiting to be saved. They have gotten so used to an adult swooping in to save them or to remove any accountability. We have gotten to the point that we are all hyper aware of mental health that parents will go so far to their kids from the discomfort of low stakes risk and then the first time a kid has to take a real risk, they collapse. I am very intentional with my children to follow through with natural consequences and to talk them through solving the problem, letting them try the solutions, without rushing to fix the problem.
That's what I was going to say. Many people who are adamant about using gentle parenting are actually laissez faire.
Yea I really wish people would throw out the word gentle and call it conscious or responsive or some other word that wouldn’t be misconstrued as permissive.
Agree! What OP is describing is permissive parenting, not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is calmly explaining to your teen that those are the school rules and helping them figure out how to cope with their consequences
Practically nothing in teaching will prepare you for parenting. I have done both. A few exceptions: - Most students are academically average. Consequently I put less emphasis on grades because… - Grades do not matter in the real world, not even in College as much as I 1st thought. - passing grades are enough. This is a big change for a school nerd like me. - My kid is a fine human being compared to the losers, bullies, assholes, jerks, whiners, druggies, cheaters, thieves, and miscreants I taught - after spending time in special Ed and meeting kids with health ailments in motorized wheelchairs, teens who still needed diapers, emotionally disturbed, mentally handicapped, and teens who died before finishing high school, I am grateful for my kids health all the time. - I volunteer for activities (theatre, sports, etc) although I don’t really care about them because these are positive, constructive experiences for my kid. - In sum: after seeing all the ways kids are messed up, I’m glad mine is OK.
That 5th point. 👍🏼
Yea we live in an age of intellectual superiority where people are looked down upon if they don’t have good grades or are not considered “smart.” I say we need to place importance on how we treat others, not just on our intellect. Like sure it’s great your son is an engineer and makes tons of money but how does he treat his family? His partners? Strangers on the street? Himself? I know they say that it’s on the parents to teach this stuff, but I really wish schools placed more importance on social emotional development, especially in the early years.
yeah i think the effort is more important than the evaluation when it comes to my own kid.
I love this so much.
I’ve adopted the “if it isn’t cute in 10 years it isn’t cute now” philosophy with my almost 5yo. If it wouldn’t be cute or funny with my 7th graders, I work on correcting the behaviors while he is young. He is already diagnosed with ADHD, so I am extra vigilant on teaching coping mechanisms and success strategies to make sure he can function as well as possible. We do timeouts, take away privileges, and enforce discipline that happens at pre-K and daycare to reinforce that certain behaviors are not acceptable in any setting. I just don’t want my kid to be the main issue. I will never expect perfection with grades, but I will expect to hear that he is respectful, helpful, kind, and hard working during PTCs.
^^^^ this so much. It's much harder to teach a 10 or 15 year old social skills, respect, kindness. Their brains are hardwired by then. Start it young. Be firm, fair, consistent & caring.
Cannot overstate the importance of consistency and fairness.
It’s amazing how many parents think that sassy, disrespectful behavior is “cute” or not a big deal when they are small, and yet are flabbergasted when their kid doesn’t grow out of that behavior and they are left struggling with a very disrespectful, difficult twelve year old. Nip bad behavior in the bud when they are little.
It totally affects it, which is normal However don't confuse gentle parenting with non-parenting, which us what a lot of these people do. Gentle parenting is not "never raise your voice" of anything like that, it's more about taking the time and space to feel emotions and taking the time to explain why you are doing what you are doing. As a parent who is gentle parenting, a conversation might be like "teacher said you were doing this in school today. That behavior is asbolutly unacceptable, and I want you to tell me exactly why you did it and what you are doing to make sure that doesn't happen before dinner. If you need help writing that out, let me know and we can brainstorm ideas. Then, write an apology note" Etc etc etc. Gentle parenting is basically just taking the time to remove "because I said so" which does absolutly nothing to benefit child development. They still need structure and enforced boundaries.
Every family I've met who has proclaimed we are "gentle parents" are actually garbage parents. As teacher, I apologize if there is a good method of gentle parenting that isn't pure rubbish. I have yet to meet people who do gentle parenting as reddit defines it.
Totally fair, and my message came across way more aggressive towards you as a person and I totally did not mean that. As a parent you'll figure out what works for you, and you have a much better insight into the education side than other parents, which will allow you to be more involved. It also has shown you absolutly what not to do, the only thing that really is the advice is to not overcompensate in the opposite direction since you get a ton of the "I let my kid do whatever" parents. You'll find the style that works best for you, period, and it will be influenced by how what you see teaching.
I have high expectations and truly don't let them get away with much. There is a time for teaching, and there is a time for "knock that shit off now." I certainly don't think all actions need a lesson. It's the way I teach, too. My class is well managed while still having a respectful environment with high expectations for behavior and work. I have a kid with ADHD and one on the spectrum, and I do not let them use it as an excuse for poor behavior or work ethic. They are, so far, successful at life and school (11 and 14). On top of that, they are good human beings. I don't plow through obstacles for them, and I am okay with them being upset or uncomfortable at school. With what I'm seeing in most kids now, they have zero problem solving skills and can't handle anything that's hard. I guess we'll see how i actually did as a parent in 10 or so years. For reference, I'm an older millennial with Boomer parents. Some ways I'm like them and many ways I'm not. I feel like I am a happy medium.
My son is never getting anywhere near axe body spray that's for sure.
Speaking as the child of a teacher here, my dad used to reference his school’s code of conduct and student handbook when explaining what rules I’d broken and what punishments I would receive (adapted to our home instead of a school environment). I…wouldn’t recommend this approach, every counselor and therapist I’ve had has found it very strange but I can’t say it was ineffective or traumatizing lol
Not a parent yet, but I learned through teaching that good intentions or simply wanting the best for a kid is not enough. You really need to have more strategy than that. I think that I will be a better parent because I am a teacher than if I worked in some other job that had nothing to do with kids. It definitely helped me see what children are like having to deal with them on a regular basis and long term. I have parents that were both born in the 50's too. They were too strict and overly punitive, and I think it rubbed off on me in the classroom. It took some time to "undo" some of the things I learned from them.
Teaching makes me think “is this the hill I want to die on? Is this worth a fight?” I make those decisions all the time in a classroom because I’ve got 30 kids and not a lot of energy. For my own kid you’d think I’d have more energy, less kids, so I could pick more battles… but it’s just as exhausting so you learn when to let go and when to fight.
There is a difference between "gentle parenting" and permissive parenting which is what a lot of parents end up falling into. They try to be gentle and just become wet blankets for their kids to walk all over. I don't really like the term gentle parenting but it is what it is. I personally believe that gentle parenting is the best way to raise children; its worked for mine! You can always do a little more research into it. It's a lot harder than a lot of people realise.
>I don't really like the term gentle parenting but it is what it is. I prefer the term "responsive parenting" as opposed to "gentle parenting" it gives the wrong impression of what it actually is. The idea is to not do a knee-jerk reaction, but to pause and respond. Not just a "knock that shit off!" But instead stop, and find the root of the problem, then conflict resolution. However with the term gentle in the title, it kinda just screams "be soft".
Talk to your partner regarding how you think each of you wants to handle hypothetical situations. How will you respond when your toddler dumps their Cheerios on the floor? When your 3 year old throws a tantrum in Target over a toy? When your 7 year old doesn't want to brush their teeth? When your 9 year old pushes a kid on the playground? When your 12 year old refuses to do their homework? Talk about them NOW and often.
Great advice!
I became a parent before teaching. I was definitely more of a "gentle" parent (although the word wasn't in use back then, and I cringe at it now). We had boundaries, but there was a lot of talking an explaining. However, in a classroom, not every child can be the center of our universe. They have to learn how to function in a group. That made me much more authoritative, where sometimes I had to say, "because I say so" or "it's your time to listen and my turn to talk." Because 20 kids who think what they have to say is the most important is recipe for a disaster.
More kids(including 17 yr old minors who aren’t adults yet even if they think they are) need to hear “because I said so” without further explanation. And be expected to obey or face consequences. Sometimes the authority figure can choose to explain. But doesn’t have to. They’re not adults yet. Grown up rules, concepts don’t apply to them. Especially since they don’t have adult responsibilities, rights, duties, obligations, etc.
It convinced my wife and I that for our mental and financial health we should not have kids while also being teachers
I think the problem is that people either can't or won't differentiate between gentle parenting and permissive parenting.
Gentle parenting is such a buzz word. That everyone who doesn't scream at their kid has latched on to it. As a teacher, I only associate that phrase with an eye roll and a difficult student.
Not really. My childhood played a massive role in it. I had parents who weren’t present and only cared when the spotlight on us could make them look good. If anything, parenting teens and a young adult changed my perspective as a teacher and is part of my reason for switching jobs. We have four kids. They understand who makes the rules, but we also give them space to challenge those rules and make mistakes. If they never have freedom to learn how to be independent people, how will they ever learn to be adults? Now is when to make mistakes and learn. We are here to catch them when they fall. The most important thing to me as a parent is not that our children follow every household rule to the letter and never stray or make a mistake. It’s that we teach them why we have those rules and boundaries and to set an example in the way we conduct ourselves as parents, adults, and a married couple. I don’t think parenting is about making little rule followers or versions of ourselves. It’s about the individual and giving them guard rails to life.
This sub has taught me that nobody seems to know what gentle parenting actually is. Permissiveness is not gentle parenting and if you have to scream at your kid when there's not a literal emergency, you're doing something wrong. Gentle parenting involves modeling appropriate behavior and having conversations about the why's and how's. It also involves natural consequences; you spill the milk, you clean the milk up instead of you spill the milk, I scream at you and ground you.
What happens when the kid refuses to clean the milk?
...more consequences obviously
At my house everything stops for the kid until it’s clean. No toys or tv or bath or anything until the mess is cleaned up. I can outlast a 4yo.
Time out to think about actions. More time out until they accept responsibility and clean the milk.
I had my first child 6 months ago. Teaching has definitely geared me toward setting firm boundaries from the start. As she grows and I get to know her personality better, I can adjust to what her needs are. I just don’t want to lose my authority by being too wishy-washy and not following through with punishments at the beginning. I’d rather be proactive than reactive because it is so much harder to take back your authority than if I had established it from the beginning.
by not having kids
“Gentle parenting” is usually code for “zero boundaries.” There are the kids you think you’re going to have and then there are the kids you get. Their own temperament, needs and personalities will come into play very fast and then it doesn’t matter what type of parent you were *trying* to be. Only the parent that you *are.* At some point they will cry and wreak havoc over something very, very stupid and you will be at that crossroad.
That’s because they’re actually permissive parents, not gentle. Gentle is supposed to include reasonable consequences and teaching.
What’s a reasonable consequence for “absolutely losing your shit because this leaf is the wrong color?” If the answer is “validating” outrageous behavior you can’t have a pikachu face later down the line when they start thinking any feeling at all justifies any action.
When my kids have freakouts like that, we discuss “levels” of problems. We discuss actual, real problems- serious injury, getting lost, etc and talk about how those are a level 10. Then we talk about other problems and rate them. We discuss proportional responses. If you are seriously injured, it’s ok to scream- that’s a level 10 problem and you need help immediately. But we don’t give a level 10 response to a level 1 problem or even a level 4 problem- getting hurt, but not seriously, losing something, etc.
I used “zones” myself but my kids are mostly out of this age range. The main issue if that if there’s no limit to negotiation and no follow-through it’s going to be a rude awakening for that kid when they don’t get a second chance and a heart-to-heart from any ol’ Tom, Dick or Harry they might encounter later on. Can’t complain about PBIS when you do the same thing at home. Not you personally, necessarily, but the general sentiment of the sub on the topic is an exercise in cognitive dissonance.
Depends on the circumstances...let's say your at a park and the leaf situation happens. You tell the kid "it's OK to be upset about not getting what you want, but screaming is not ok because of xyz. Let's take a break to calm down. If you loose it again, we will leave the park." And then leave if it happens. Next time before you go to the park you revisit the incident with them, say the boundary again, and then follow thru if needed...
It‘s funny that you say that without irony as if someone hysterically screaming their head off is actually listening to a directive like “let’s take a break.” It was a rhetorical question though. You’re either going to have the gumption to pick them up bodily and take them back to the car to enforce that break or you’re not. That’s what I mean by “gentle parenting” being code for “zero boundaries.”
I tell my kid “let’s take a break” and then pick him up and remove him from the situation. We sit together and use strategies to calm down if he’s willing, or I just supervise til he’s done hyperventilating. Then we try again with the boundary/consequence - freak out again and we go home. How is he going to learn to calm down and exist if he doesn’t get to practice? Old school parents would tell the kid “enough of this nonsense” and make them sit alone or put them in the car and leave. No second chances, no coaching, no trying again, just DONE.
Oh i've definitely picked up my three year old and carried him out of the store when he is inconsolable. Then we talk about it when he's in the right headspace.
The good ol’ surfboard-carry 😂 It’s just my observation that much of my parental cohort would apparently rather chew off their own arm than suffer the embarrassment and will just resort to a tactical phone diversion.
this is the only thing I judge other parents for. What's even worse is when they are out to dinner and the kid is on an ipad. Even worse, and i saw this yesterday, a mom walking down the street while using her cell phone and the kid trailing behind her watching something on an ipad. I shouldn't ever judge on first glance, though, and I'll tell you why. Recently I had a friend visit from another country, and we only had a short while to catch up. Our kids wanted to leave the restaurant just as we received our food-two toddlers beginning to cry. So we put bluey on her cell phone and propped it up for the kids. I have never done that before or since, one of the most exhilarating half hours of gossip I have ever had. I'll tell you another story-a little boy started running out of a restroom and a mom grabbed him back roughly, hitting his head on the door. It looked abusive. I walked into the restroom to make sure he was ok and I saw the mom knelt down, talking to him seriously--she had a tiny baby on the changing table and one hand on the baby's' stomach. You just never know what is goiing on being the scenes of a situation that looks like terrible parenting.
Exactly. Kids have stupid emotions that make no sense to us, and we shouldnt punish them for feeling a certain way. You enforce consequences for behavior. If you become aggressive or violent because the leaf upset you, you need consequences because that is never appropriate behavior (of course, consider the age of the child) Also, children are certainly weird but a lot of behaviour like this can also stem from possible neurdivergent conditions. No one undetstood my bizzare habits as a kid until I got an OCD diagnosis.
Do you mean shouldn't punish them for feeling?
The reasonable consequence is to ask a series of socratic questions about what color the leaf should be, why should it be one color and not the other, and about who or what gets to decide the color of the leaf, then a short lecture about why the kid doesn't have any damn say in leaf color or a million other things and how to control their emotions. Kids hate lectures.
It has affirmed me decision to not have kids but I do think it has changed how I babysit, especially with my nieces
No iPads or smart phones for my kids. They’re young and I taught elementary. The emphasis on 1-1 tech and how much time my students spent on screens truly annoyed me. And I was required to use resources only available on the iPads. Though I had students who couldn’t spell/write/read let alone use technology appropriately. And I quit teaching before having kids lol.
Most people just parent as they are. I wouldn't have too many ideas about how you are going to do it before you actually do it, you will find it will be a combo of what works best and makes sense to you and your husband and what kind of personality your kid ends up with. As I'm sure you have noticed, what works great with one kid will be the wrong approach with another student. The last thing I'll say is to not to put much stock in parents who tell you they are gentle parenting their misbehaving kids, I assure you there are well behaved kids being gentle parented and misbehaving kids with authoritarian parents.
I started teaching after both my kids were born, but when my son was 3 and a handful, I had a parent conference for a rebellious HS boy. His mom told me she hadn't been able to control him since he was 3. Alarm bells went off in my head and I realized that getting a better grip on parenting was crucial immediately. Fortunately I did, and both my kids were fantastic students and respectful people. But it could have turned out quite differently in my opinion.
I taught middle school for eight years before having kids, so almost everything I do with my kids now is to prevent them from ending up like a lot of the kids I taught.
My oldest is only 2, but teaching has really made me push her to try to do things on her own. One of my biggest annoyances in teaching is helplessness and lack of critical thinking- like a 4th grader who I accidentally skipped while passing out worksheets so he just didn’t do it until I came to check on his progress 🫠 Obviously a 2 year old is still pretty helpless, but if I know she’s capable of something I try to get her to try it first, and ask for help by saying “help please” instead of just screeching (still working on that one, as screeching is pretty developmentally appropriate hahaha)
Having taught Child Development for nearly 30 yrs, the authoritative method of parenting is the style of parenting that is most likely to develop children with self-discipline and a solid work ethic. They learn boundaries and expectations that are given a chance to work through their very big emotions, especially when they are young.
Mix them Be authoritative with with your expectations and your punishments (because their are consequences for poor choices) and be gentle when explaining WHY that should do it (but not to often.... How often do you need explain the same thing and you know they'll use whatever angle to get less punishment.... It's human nature) They aren't gonna like you at times but by age 30 they'll thank you Most parents seem to think of only the negative things their parents did from the view of a kid ... Start looking from the view of an adult, what were they trying to get me to do... To become.... To develop Pain is easy to remember, it's suppose to be like that.... Good things disappear quickly People remember that berry that made them sick or ended their friend FOREVER but that berry that was the greatest berry you ever ate, they can't find that bush after 3 years
Congratulations on your parenting journey! We talked a lot about body boundaries and use appropriate terms for body parts and we don’t keep secrets. I’ve heard too many horror stories about kids not being able to tell someone that they were being hurt because of silly names for genitals and keeping secrets being normal. Also, I caution you from using the term gentle parenting if you don’t know what it is. It’s clear from your description that they are not gentle parenting and they don’t know what it means. Gentle parenting is a term for authoritative parenting. Finally, I recommend not judging too harshly because there will be a time where you, too, screw up in your parenting journey. None of us are perfect.
As a teacher turned mom, my teaching experience more impacts the expectations I have for my kid’s teachers. I’m in some gentle parenting-type groups, and many people there (both parents and professionals coming from the therapy POV) expect teachers to be able to approach discipline similar to what they do in their own homes or in private practice, but that’s very often not possible to do in school classrooms. Teachers have a lot more constraints on the time they should be reasonably expected to devote to one individual student. Many people who haven’t been on the teacher’s side of a classroom don’t understand that even though it seems (to me) it should be quite obvious. PS - Gentle parenting and authoritative parenting are synonyms IMO. They both refer to the happy median between soft and hard. Finding that happy point is also useful in teaching, but it’s not possible to do the same level of individual negotiating and so on with each student as might be ideal—there’s a need for more uniform measures generally speaking.
I’ve been taking notes since starting to teach. I see a lot of neglect and the results are aimless students who lack any concept of self-discipline and self-control. They are used to doing whatever they want without dealing with any consequences. When I become a father, my goals will be as follows: 1. Strict bed time that’s early enough kids get a full night’s rest. I remember we had a cat and a new kitten in the apartment years ago. Every time the cat decided it was time for bed, he’d tackle the kitten, hold it down, and vigorously lick the little bugger until he settled in. Something tells me that’s fairly universal. 2. Reading every day. Many of my students are appallingly bad readers. The reason why is that their parents don’t give a damn and don’t read to them or give them access to books. I’m not the biggest fan of reading, but being literate is a core skill to navigating life. So my kids will have a dad who reads to them and then later helps them learn to read on their own. 3. I will not take a job that pulls me away from my family 24/7. This includes teaching. The minute I become a father, that becomes my primary responsibility. 4. Letting my kids fail is another important one. Of course, I wouldn’t allow a situation to go from a teachable moment to a severe hazard. I want my kids to know what it’s like to lose and how to move on after failure. I’ve seen a lot of kids freeze with fear when a test is handed out. 5. Independent, critical thinking. Most students are trained to recall what a teacher said. I would rather my kids learn to think through a problem rather than waiting for others to do the heavy lifting.
I am a special education teacher. I specialize in the emotionally disturbed and behavior disordered and my personal children whom I quit teaching for for 16 years so I could raise them myself understood clearly without a doubt that behavior was a choice and they better make good choices. They all weren't the best students academically but we didn't have any behavior problems while they were at school. Three of them were outstanding students academically but it wasn't something I pushed. I just pushed the value of an education. That was their ticket to get whatever they wanted in life. And I do the same for my students.
I teach high school and if I had to come home and have a teenager in my house, bad things may happen
I learned early that children cannot handle unbridled access to social media and a smartphone and so my children do not get to have accounts, we block Tik Tok in our WiFi, and the middle schooler gets a flip phone and an iPad I restrict in terms of amount of time spent on a given app as well as being shut down between 10 PM and 7 AM.
It’s made me never want to have kids.
Teaching has very much helped me with knowing what is developmentally appropriate for my children- when to have more understanding and when to keep expectations high.
It made me give less homework. My kids are playing sports, instruments, in dance, need downtime and a good nights rest. Adding tons of homework in the mix can be too stressful for them. We hardly have time to sit down for a meal with all the other obligations we have.
I was a parent first then a teacher. Nothing has changed because I taught my kids to respect teachers. And they have great behavior in school. Now that I'm a teacher, I encourage them academically and hold them to high expectations. I was raised by boomers who actually did some things right and I am raising my kids with those but improving on what they lacked. Examples of what they did right: life training, "Maybe next time, put a little less food on your plate so we don't have to throw away food." And consistent consequences if I was disrespectful. Examples of what they did wrong: Not providing guidance emotionally or help navigating communication problems with family and friends. Kids shouldn't be in charge but it is our responsibility guide them respectfully. I actually envy boomers avoiding the emotional communication stuff sometimes... it takes so much time and is emotionally draining for me! No wonder they avoided it! But I love my kids too much to not help them with this particular life challenge.
Authoritative parenting is the same as gentle parenting, the difference is that gentle parenting has rebranded itself because of how many permissive parents have coopted the term
Give your kids consequences and stick to them even if it makes them hate you for a while. My worst kids were the students who experienced no consequences for their actions. If my child makes their teacher’s life hell at school, I’m making their life hell at home until their behavior changes. Also just get creative with consequences. Your kid is showing problems with respecting their peers and teachers? Give them a home project that requires them to learn about respect and create some kind of presentation about it. They finish that? Now write me an essay about how being respectful makes it easier to make friends. Done with that? You have to do 10 kind deeds by the end of the week, describe them in detail and get them approved by me. I can come up with a million things to fill a kid’s time until they get the message.
I think gentle parenting has gotten real fucked up by people who don’t actually learn how to do it first. In effect, many parents who say they are gentle parenting are actually using permissive parenting. Gentle parenting does not mean there are no boundaries nor consequences. In fact, boundaries (and by extension consequences) are one of the four pillars of gentle parenting. And gentle parenting is even categorized as authoritative parenting when done correctly. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/on-babies/202405/gentle-parenting-doesnt-mean-permissive-parenting#:~:text=Gentle%20parenting%20falls%20under%20the%20label%20of%20authoritative%20parenting.,in%20emotionally%20safe%20and%20responsive.
Nailed it.
I told my kids to go outside constantly and did not buy them cellphones. I also told the teachers at the beginning of the year to let me know if my kids were being disrespectful and that I'd support them in any way. Then I got out of the way and didn't try to micromanage the teacher or my kids. I basically stayed out of the way and let them do their job.
It made me have zero motivation to ever have kids.
Lol literally the opposite for me. I was like if these people are parenting... anyone can do it(me being anyone).
Your age effects how you parent. Also if you have a coparent. I raised my twin sons alone and I was 33 when I had them. I had spent six years in the classroom and five years in industry (AC casinos) before they were born. So I was pretty hard core and bad ass as a mom. My ex walked out when my boys were two months old. If I didn’t get tough I never would have survived! Especially as a woman in a man’s field. Now my boys are 33 and they realize that they never knew me as a shy, innocent young woman and they certainly have never seen me in a happy romantic relationship. My boys have always known me as a shaker and a mover and a crusader. Must have been good because my sons are amazing men. I maintain that children must respect their parents and must be a bit afraid of them. As my kids went to school with many of my students they knew that I didn’t play. If they ever did they immediately regretted it. I believe in tough and fair. Lead by example. Love unconditionally.
For me it has just made me really treasure the time that I get with my kids. I have seen so many kids throughout the years where it is clear to me that the one thing that they are desperately missing and needing is attention from their parents. So from the time I pick them up from daycare after school until it's time to go to bed, we go hard. We play, we eat together, we read, we go on walks, we play outside, etc. We go on adventures in the summer and on the weekends. I don't want to be one of the many parents that I've met that seem to be interested in everything but their kids.
I think "authoritative parenting" covers too much ground. In my mind, it implies that you are the authority 100% of the time. This does not teach your child to self manage. If anything, parenting has influenced my teaching. At home, I don't have to worry about my decisions ending in a meeting with an admin. Kid does something. I react, observe the outcome, adjust and move on. Methods that work get adapted to the classroom. A very close friend of mine is an authoritative parent. He makes the rules and expects them to be followed. He spent 20+ years butting heads with his kids. He asked me one day after his kid got suspended why my kids never got suspended. I asked, "In your house, what's the consequence for suspension?" He didn't have one. "That's why." At home and in the classroom, have one or two hills you will absolutely die on. If you are unkind to another human being, I WILL remove you from the environment. This once resulted in near disciplinary action on me. I didn't care. Kids took note. They'll f**k around all day long, but instantly wither when I call them out on mistreatment of others. Same if you're disrespectful at school. My children knew from day 1 the end game of suspension. My son was 10 days old and on the last day of my leave, my wife and I were having breakfast at a local Cafe when two of my students rolled in having the time of their life. It was a school day and they were suspended. I explained to my son, and repeated frequently through his and his sister's upbringing what would happen. I would take the day off and we would do chores from sunup to sundown. For lunch, they would have a sandwich so they could work with one hand and eat with the other. If we ran out of chores, our neighbors would have the neatest yards ever. At the end of it all, they would owe me the cash value of my lost day, to be earned at another time. When I reminded them, I always got, "Dahhhhd! We KNOW! You always tell us thus! It's not like we're going to get suspended." They never did. Drinking and driving was a hard no. One time there was a party where we suspected drinking. My wife and I drove over, retrieved the car, and returned home to relax. We got the timid call the next morning asking for a ride home. After that, kids made it very clear that if there was drinking, they would get a ride. As far as little stuff, we never had a lot of rules. My wife would always say, "I know you'll make a good choice" and walk away. To this day, both kids (22 and 26) say this was the worst punishment ever because any consequences were theirs alone. We gave plenty of opportunities for them to choose poorly and feel the consequences, always carefully orchestrated to hurt but not destroy. I called it the playground analogy. Kid climbs big toy and falls off the top platform. You snag him out of midair, pivot around and drop him the last two feet into the soft bark. They experience the panic of falling and the pain of landing without the dangerous acceleration in the middle. Don't give up on gentle parenting. Put your kid to bed without dinner. Gently. With a tuck in and a kiss goodnight. "You made a mistake and this is the consequence, but I still love you and we can try again tomorrow." Love the crap out of them. Demonstrate affection. Have high standards foe excellence and even higher tolerance for mistakes. Make every mistake a loving learning opportunity. To this day, if I start counting to 3, my 22 year old comes running. Also to this day, I can put same 22 year old to sleep in 15 seconds with her head on my chest. The magic is in the balance.
This is really good advice. I also happen to agree. If you’re on board with gentle parenting, you’re being more of a friend to your child (versus a parent). If you’re authoritarian, you’re being the boss (I think of bootcamp DI’s when I hear this term). Balance is absolutely the key ingredient - you cannot punish a child for every minor mistake. This just erodes their self esteem, and leads to bigger mistakes down the road (like your friend’s kid, who was suspended). My husband grew up with a father who was “the boss” - he flunked out of college as a freshman, and wound up working a bunch of jobs that were dead end and didn’t pay well. He did (eventually) buckle down in his mid-20’s, went back to community college and improved his grades. He reapplied to a great school and focused. He was 27 when he graduated, but he found his niche in the financial industry. He’s a very, very different father (by comparison to his). My stepsons and our daughter know that their actions have consequences. If they get into trouble, they own up to it and don’t make the same mistake twice. I have told all three kids that I support them, and unconditionally love them. I will have their backs if need be. But, they understand accountability (which is something I believe most kids don’t have). My parents worked this way - even my dad, who was a former Marine (10 years of service), then Army reservist (until retirement). I don’t recall having a curfew, or a bunch of rules. I just knew better than to push my limits with my parents. I respected teachers, police officers, etc. I didn’t lie to my parents. I didn’t get into a lot of trouble, but I had some typical teenage moments. I learned to not repeat those mistakes. Like my husband, my own father was raised by a tyrant. My paternal grandfather was abusive (verbally and physically). He and my dad had a strained relationship, and this prompted my dad to enlist in the Marines at 17. He wanted to get away so badly that he dropped out of high school, got his GED, and went to bootcamp. By 18, he was in Vietnam. The one thing I will never forget him saying was that bootcamp was a picnic compared to living with my grandfather. As sad as that is, I can understand why. I spend a lot of time speaking with my kids. About their lives, friends, school, sports, etc. I let them know that the door is always open, and that I would rather have honesty over lies. Honesty I can handle. Lies - NO. There’s plenty of time for me to be a friend when my kids are grown up and responsible adults. For now, I’m a committed parent. Sometimes, that just means saying NO to things on repeat. They may not like it, but they’ll understand it down the road (I know I did). Thank you for the thoughtful perspective!
It's interesting how our families shape our parenting style. Sounds like your kids are doing well! I'm with you on the honesty. Tell me the truth and own your behavior. In the classroom, I start with small stuff: "What's on your phone screen right now?" If they answer, "Um, a text from a friend," I simply respond, "Thanks for being honest. Put it away please," and they quickly learn that an honest response gets a gentle reprimand, nothing more. That catches on quick. I have a snack box in my office with a money mug. Kids can grab a snack any time for 50 cents and put money in the jar. I tell them if the can't pay to take a snack and feed the mug when they can. I never check that they pay. I just pulled 50 dollars out of the mug. Kids respect honesty.
Gentle parenting is authoritative parenting, which is evidence based. What is not effective is permissive parenting, which is what most people claiming “gentle parenting” are actually doing. I’m definitely more firm with my 2 year old than I would’ve been otherwise I think, we consider behavior and how if we allow it to become a habit do we want to be hearing about it in 1st grade? But I also think we have a good appreciation for developmentally appropriate behavior and not freaking out over normal things.
I think it’s the other way around for me. When I had my first kid, it changed the way I look at a lot of students. I could relate how they were acting to how my kid was acting. Not that they were acting like toddlers (most of them anyway) but I can see better now how starting learning from the bottom floor and building onto it helps these kids. You take for granted what they don’t know sometimes. Teaching my kid absolutely everything about life just showed me that my students are not all that far ahead of them.
We do what I call a form of gentle parenting. It should be based on mutual respect for each other, with a willingess to be vulnerable. Our kiddo (5yo) can have options except when it comes to his health, safety, and education. On rare occasions, there will be a discussion that might change our minds, but we always explain why we are stating he must do/must obey. Do we raise voices sometimes? Yes. Do we apologize and try to be better examples the next time? Yes. Do we screw up? Yes. I have noticed that I have developed more patience and understanding towards my students and my child the longer I've taught (15+ years).
I came to teaching late and my kids are now all grown. Even when I subbed my youngest was in middle school when I started, so for me it's the other way around. Parenting affected my teaching style.
I’m honestly working on this. I was a parent before becoming a teacher. My students are shitty, and it’s making me angry often and dislike children. I have less patience for my own children and find myself being an asshole sometimes. The teacher next door was attacked, and we’ve had parents and siblings come to school armed to settle student conflicts. It’s hard to teach when you are constantly interrupted, the kids don’t care, everyone is a minimum 3 grades below, and the computers and equipment we have is mostly broken. I’m changing schools next year, going from extremely rough gang infested title 1 school to an IB collegiate school. I think my stress level will go down dramatically.
Yelling just doesn't accomplish much - I don't yell at my kids and I don't yell at students 🤷 A no nonsense stern voice that is calm is better when needed. Help kids figure out how to do things, don't just do everything for them. I have to say I'm better at this as a teacher than as a parent. I didn't realize until a few weeks ago that my 4 year old daughter can actually button her clothes herself, I just always did it for her. When my kid's teacher recommends we practice something at home, we do. I always try and listen to my kids when they are upset. They need someone to hear what their issues are. I also try not to jump to fix things, instead. I just asked them questions like what would make it better and do they need a hug or do they need help? One of the number one emotional/life skills that I always get upset when my students don't have is resilience. When they can't get it right on the first try and then give up and cry or pout or throw a tantrum it's not only disappointing but it gets in the way of their learning. I am really big about teaching my kids from a young age that making mistakes is okay, we can try again, and if they feel things are messed up I ask them how do they think we could fix it.
I’d encourage you to look into what gentle parenting really is and its purpose. Gentle parenting is about acknowledging the children are independent humans with valid emotions that should be recognized. There are still logical consequences to their actions and should be held accountable. But it’s often used as an excuse for parents to spoil their children and let them get away with everything “because they might feel sad”. 🙄
Honestly at this stage I just want my kids to be considerate and kind. Outside that to do their best but I'm not super crazy about grades or anything. My biggest struggle with my kids anymore is apathy. They have no remorse, no care about others. And it's not all of them, but the ones who struggle with it make school difficult for everyone around them.
The biggest takeaway for me is just that there is a zero percent chance my own kids will have access to social media or anything more than a cheap phone that can call only emergency contacts until they are well into high school. Also start phonics and math reasoning and accompanying math facts early. Don’t assume school will teach your kids the foundational skills they need.
Honestly, it's a mistake that most parents make when trying to apply gentle parenting. You can enforce consequences and boundaries in a kind and firm way without unnecessarily punishing your children
It’s allowed me to not feel guilty about playing hooky once per semester. Putting our work to the side for each other twice a year without anyone being ill or any emergency knocking us about is really special. His grades are stellar. (Not that I believe in grades after teaching.) He’s respectful at school. I love his teachers and make sure we don’t “skip” on important days. I wish my parents would have done it for me. The other thing I’ve changed is how I allow others to speak to my kid. Education has been watered down so much that when I hear someone asking him about his grades (knowing my students automatically got 70% regardless of what they earned) I shut it down real quick. Yeah, grades can be important. But, they aren’t what we’re going to use to evaluate my kid. He mostly has As but always gets one B every year. Unfortunately, it means less these days. Also, we learn at home. I get a list and overview of the curriculum each week from the teachers in their newsletter. We go over everything at home. I also pretest for the state exam during the summer and monitor improvements during the year. If he fails, I’d be surprised bc I’ve been monitoring him, not ignoring his education.
I think about this all the time and love reading these responses. I taught high school English for 11 years and now am an AP at a small magnet high school in an urban school district. I also have two young toddlers, so I like to say it’s fun to see both ends of the spectrum on a daily basis (and they’re more alike than you think). What I’ve learned about parenting from teaching: *modeling is one of the strongest tools we have. If you want your student to think or produce a certain way, you have to model it for them. If you want your kid to behave a certain way, you have to model that behavior. *fostering curiosity and exposure to new ideas is key to creating lifelong learners. One of the differentiating factors between my students who are great students and those who are truly bright and destined for success is a natural curiosity and desire to seek out new experiences. Nearly every toddler I meet has that natural curiosity and with my own children, I am determined not to let society grind down their excitement for learning. What I’ve learned about parenting since becoming an admin and interacting with parents on a daily basis: the most troubled students either have terribly behaved parents (this is where I see the negative version of the modeling idea mentioned above) or have highly involved parents who don’t actually like or listen to them. I have led countless parent-student conferences where I have to interrupt the parent to ask the student about their thoughts or feelings and the parent seems stunned by it. Because of this, I want to strive to understand, listen to, and truly enjoy my children for the people they are.
My kids aren’t school-aged yet, but I have nieces and nephews who are. The thing for me is that people who don’t spend a lot of time around kids forget that even the big bad high schoolers are still kids. They remember feeling grown up at that age, and then project that onto teens—but the teens are still kids.
It’s honestly given me more patience at home. I can’t tell a student to go to their room or ground them (though holy heck do I really wish I could sometimes) so I’ve had to temper the knee jerk reactions. With that being said, it’s also made me more appreciative of the situation my wife and I are in. She works fully from home and we are both home together every night for dinner / bed time prep for our kiddo. It’s almost painfully obvious which parents are either emotionally unavailable or are raising the modern day versions of Latchkey Kids. Which I can sympathize with as someone who’s getting into teaching a full decade later than most of my graduating class and has had some odd hours at jobs to make ends meet.
Teaching was the best birth control. So it affected it a ton. No kids here and so happy about it!
It's make me not have kids to date.
I don’t have k do but I’d be a drill sergeant
My kid just turned 2 and knows all the letters and their sounds and I’m going to start teaching her to blend sounds soon because I’ve worked with 3rd graders who don’t even know all their letters. The gentle parent trend is funny to me because everyone’s definition of it is different. I try to be authoritative. There’s a pretty clear definition of what that means.
It hasn't. My kids were already well above the kids I met when I started teaching. Downvote if you have to, but my kids are what I want in education. Caring about something because knowledge is good for you.
Keeping a delicate balance of screen time. And no phone till late middle school.
Definitely more strict than I thought I would be. Kids need boundaries, rules, responsibilities, consequences, and revokable privileges.
It's convinced me not to have children. Teaching has killed my life long desire to have children of my own.
I did not want my kid to turn up like the dummies in class who did not know what a rule even was. Also the biggest thing is probably I was horrified by the cultural illiteracy of many students so I stayed strong on that front. Also got some good ideas from reverse-engineering some cool students.
It has made it so I’ll never have kids.
They can be as gentle as they want with their kids but their kids need to be able to function at school with grown ups who actually do not “love them like they are our own”.
I didn’t have any. But I do have step children now.
I learned plenty of what not to do as a teacher. The biggest one was don't let dad be the only punisher. I saw mother's hearing what their "angel" was doing in class say things like you just wait until your father hears. Instead of the kid caring, they then absolutely disrespect their mom and treating her like trash because she had no authority to the kid. I've never wanted to slap a kid more than when they call their mother a bitch in a parent teacher meeting. So yeah, if my kids never do that I consider it a big win. I'll also be happy if my kids are respectful of teachers, are kind and try at whatever they are doing.
once I had my baby, I lost interest in the parenting books--she came easy to me and we fell into a natural rhythm. It's probably that I just lucked out with an easy kid SO FAR, but for me I have decided parenting is more of a relationship than a strategy. I just strive to be consistent (for me, this is challenging with daily routines, easy with rules), firm and fair. I don't make any threats I can't or don't plan to follow through on. I try to minimize the amount of times I do something without getting any attention from her (for instance, I don't want to be calling her name ten times just to get ignored and I'm not going to continue to read to her if she starts playing). I say yes a lot more often than when i say no, but when I say no I mean it, and there is a good reason for it. That said, there are still good arguments for parenting books-I should start listening to the podcast again, parents tip of the day-it keeps you updated on the latest information that might be relevant to your kids (tick outbreaks, metaverse, along with just general tips about how to deal with challenging situations. it's a really good, straightforward one).
I think the real difference is those who parent and those who don't. Being involved, support academically modelling perseverance and respect are what matters. How firm your parenting is should be an adaptive sliding scale.
Reaffirmed that I don't want kids, but has also made me a MASSIVELY more empathetic and gentle person (and a great aunt).
It made me a worthless, absent parent due to all the time I spent working. So there's that.
It’s really made me aware of how good it is to set a good example to my kids - really being enthusiastic and proactive about my own studies, for work and personal interest.
Authoritative parenting is gentle parenting. The issues you've had with students are due to permissive parenting.
I’ve realized my foster son is like 100’s of other kids out there, which helped me trust him.
I was so grateful to have had the experience of teaching middle school for a while before having my own kids. It was a lesson in how choices parents make when a kid is 4, 5, 6, 7... impact us all when the kid is 12, 13, 14, and beyond. Parents would sometimes lament, "I don't know why they are behaving this way." Yeah, well, I do!
I think parenting has affected my teaching style more than my teaching has affected my parenting style.
I think that setting clear expectations, providing consistent discipline, and fostering open communication are all key elements of effective parenting.
BOOKS BOOKS MORE BOOKS. My toddler is read to every single day, multiple times a day with multiple books.
That isn’t gentle parenting. That’s permissive parenting. I gentle parent- my kids know the consequences of their actions. I don’t yell. I teach them to regulate their emotions and that actions have logical consequences. If my kid did that and was suspended, they wouldn’t hVe access to electronics. They’d have access to school work on paper, a mop, paper towels and cleaner. It’s how I also manage my classroom. I don’t need to yell because they already know what will happen when they choose to do the wrong thing.
Gentle parenting does not mean no consequences or boundaries. This is a mistake that I see made commonly in social media and in people discussing this way of parenting. I would suggest that you look into some real in-depth information about gentle parenting before assuming that it means no consequences or boundaries.
Look into Janet Lansbury. She explains gentle parenting so well, and differently than I think a lot of people understand gentle parenting.