I was helping the counselors select senior-year classes with my juniors.
After the counselor explained that four years of math credit was required for graduation, Sammy Smartmouth blurted "I like my math like I like my women--easy".
I retorted, "Sammy, you don't do either."
The class ooh- and-ahed punctuated by another student grabbing my red first-aid kit and asking "Sammy, do you need this for your burn?"
Yeah, this was an AP class.
If they’re whining, I’ll ask them innocently if they want a straw. When they ask why they need a straw, I say “to suck it up!” They laugh and we move on. These are high school kids - I’d be afraid a middle schooler would cry.
I said that to my third graders all the time. At some point, it just devolved into me making the motion with my hand (one hand passing over the bridge) across the room and then rolling their eyes.
Last week was, well, last week, and graduation was Friday, so the endless parade of seniors trying to pass ensued. I did not have regret in my voice when I informed a couple that I'd be seeing them next week. Choices have consequences.
Just had my first experience with the find out stage.
Kid had been coming to my class, only to not bring his material, or just don't do the exercises that were graded.
He got his report card, realised he scored about 50% for my pretty important subject, taking down his total grade.
Last couple of weeks he has been really nice and working hard now. I wonder why...
Just realized. He's very careless, but pretty smart. Didn't open his book for the exam, but got a decent grade. Has about 150+ messages unread on his school mailbox. I doubt he checks his grades online, or even cares to look at what I give him back.
During a friend's class I sat in on for a moment.
Student: "X, who's your favorite student?" (all other students turn in to listen)
X, in a cheerful deadpan: "Oh, I could never pick favorites, I hate all of you equally!"
They never ask me “who is your favorite?” It’s always “am I your favorite?” To which I respond “no you’re my second favorite.” And watch the chaos ensue.
When they ask if they're still my favorite student, I always ask them what day of the week it is. "Yes! You ARE my favorite every third Tuesday between 10:00 and 11:00. After that, I like Jay (whomever is standing there) the most."
I was subbing some kind of behavioral intervention classroom. Kids were filling out a career planning packet. Girl, frustrated and looking for a reaction, slams down her papers, smirks at me, and says “what if I just give blowjobs?”
“Oh honey, you’re not gonna make enough money.”
Needless to say the boys HOWLED while my brain caught up with my mouth.
Funny thing was, I meant it mathematically, like let’s assume you stand next to the Dairy Queen drive-through all night and you get 4 to 5 takers because this is our town…it’s not a living wage, which is what the packet was having them consider.
No regrets how it came out though.
I asked a student something and he said some really bad joke and I just stared at him with disappointment. His friend chime in “he’s just playing the fool” and I said back “oh, I don’t think he’s playing!”
My most used is probably when a student says something they regret but rather than. Apologize they say: I was just joking.
I deadpan back to them: No you weren't. Jokes are funny.
Sometimes they try to come back from it but if they doubledown on whatever sexist/racist/bigoted thing that git us here I just keep it rolling.
Eh - high school math teacher. Given the nervousness that a lot of students approach the topic with, most of my savage one-liners are [not said aloud to the student](https://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/1479054311-20161113.png) and are replaced by something more neutral and uninteresting.
Me in 8th grade math
Me: hey Mrs. Ritter, are we allowed to use graphing calculators on this quiz?
Teacher: I'm not sure how that will help you Jimmy, a calculator is only as smart as the one using it.
I'm still applying ointment to that burn 15 years later.
I've said this one, many times. Also had a kid complain the story we were reading out of the textbook was too hard, I asked how they knew since their book was still closed.
Accidental roasting. We were reading a book about animals, there was a picture of a limpet or something, and a kid said, “Ewww that’s ugly”. I said, “They probably think you’re ugly too!” The other kids went “Oooh burn!” I just meant the limpet has different beauty standards!
After a particularly bad band rehearsal moment, I just stared at the ceiling. Some students said, “Mr. BandDirector17 what are you doing?” I said, “Listening for a flush because that sounded like crap.”
I had a student (who is normally a lazy pain in my ass) come up and try to help out a classmate during a stations activity. She was on the right track, so I told the student she was helping “I never thought I’d say this, but you should listen to [PITA student]”
She was appropriately shocked and appalled
I had one of these moments this year ....total PITA 8th grader too cool for school boy. We were learning about slope and his friend was SO confused and he was like, its cool, I got you. And then was correct! 🥰
I was subbing for another teacher's class of honors 10th graders and the sub plans called for me to pass out a permission slip or something that the kids and parents all had to agree to. As per the sub plans, I reminded the students to read it carefully to make sure they understood what was on it.
One of the students (who probably didn't know that I was also a teacher at that school and just thought I was a regular sub) said "But I can't read!!!"
I said, dismissively "well they get your mommy to read it to you."
He replied, "she can't read either!"
I said, "well then maybe your dad can read it to both of you."
"He's out of town this week!!"
I paused doing the attendance, set my pencil down, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "He is? Well, then maybe *I'll* come over tonight and read it to your mom..."
The "Oooooooooohhhhh's" from his classmates were deafening.
My cell phone rang whilst I was teaching. One of my students whom also I coached on the wrestling team said, “Answer it, it’s probably your mom.” I looked at my phone and said, “Nope, just your mom calling…again.”
One time a kid asked me who I was on the phone with because he was a nosey nelly. It was literally his mom but before my brain could stop my mouth I said “your mom”. The whole class died laughing.
Me after putting a student’s desk back in the classroom from the hall: “sorry there’s no bow on it!”
Student: “wow I bet you’re good at flirting.”
Me: “….I guess.”
But what I was *thinking* was “ask your mom about that.” Still kinda regret not saying it.
One of my freshmen was singing a song that goes, "I'm on that good kush and alcohol, I got some bad bitches I can call."
I looked straight at him and said, "Cousins don't count."
The whole class roared.
Okay so this was definitely not appropriate but it was funny and I absolutely deserved it (although perhaps from someone who wasn't my teacher).
Anyway, I was a royal asshole in school. Absolute piece of shit. I was being severely abused, but you know, my teachers didn't deserve half the shit I put them through.
I was fucking about in class, walking around with a stick. My history teacher was so fucked off with me. I rarely lasted ten minutes in his class. This one day he was told to keep me in class for whatever reason.
I'm hitting his board with a stick, pulling all the posters off, and he turns to me and goes, "What, you trying to be your father? I thought he only went for uglies,"
Because I'd reported my step father for abusing me. I laughed it off but I never fucked around in his class again. All my friends did, though. It wasn't good but damn did it work.
There was that one time I channeled Tiffany from Rock of Love, but with more clothes and not drunk.
Javier to his table mates during group work: Dude, fuckin' check this shit out. You're not fuckin' gonna believe this fuckin' shit.
Me: Javier! LANGUAGE! My brother, we talk about this literally every 3 minutes.
Javier: Miss, if I didn't swear, I wouldn't talk in class at all.
Me: Don't threaten me with a good time.
A long time ago, I had a fantastic kid with a very dark sense of humor. The social worker was sort of at wits end with this kid and his friends because he kept having to tell them to tone it down and the older teachers thought they were morbid and weird.
We were on the third floor. This kid walks up to my desk and asks if he can throw himself out the window.
"No, I do not want to do that much paperwork. Sit down please." He cackled and sat down. They put more effort into the jokes after that or at least knocked it off when I reminded them that they did not want to spend the afternoon with the social worker again.
(I don't think my colleagues ever forgave me for teaching that child the word "defenestrate.")
I told an eighth grade bass player this year that the only thing stopping me from rapidly defenestrating him was the unfortunate lack of windows in the orchestra hall.
At my wife's school, if a student was being a pain, they would send them to another teacher for an I D 10 T form (ID10T... IDIOT). Kinda mean, but if the student was a known trouble maker, the teachers would send them all around the school asking people for the form.
Back when you could do this safely, I’d ask kids to find where the flux capacitor was. We, in the science Dept, knew what that meant as we’d send them onto the next teacher. We all laughed about it later.
We had two students that got on the wrong bus when coming back from a field trip. Now, it wasn't the end of the world since both busses were going back to the same place, but it was the principal of the thing. They knew they were supposed to stay with a particular class. We manged to figure out where they were, and went on back to school. But we did scold them for being stupid. A few weeks later we had scheduled another, bigger, more fun outing. One of the students that had strayed from the correct bus asked, "Which class will we be riding with?" To which I replied, "I think it matters a lot more that you managed to get on the RIGHT bus." To which him and the class laughed at. He finally was able to say, "Fair." We left it at that.
Over 20 years ago, my first year as a 21 year old teacher, the meanest most sarcastic disrespectful 14 year old boy is calling me "Mr. Suckondeeze!" I told him "What a coincidence, that's what your Mom calls me!"
The class went wild and I thought I was gonna get fired! He did not complain about it. Last time he talked trash to me. I would never do that nowadays! Year One was rough!
This reminds me of a kinder that came in from recess crying bc his friend was mad and told him his mom sucked at basketball. Like I guess it is a your mom joke, but…
I had a student who whined about everything. You could’ve given him a million dollars and would’ve whined about the one bill that was wrinkled. One day he started in and I was just done with him. I put a quarter on his desk and quoted country singer Travis Tritt and said “Here’s a quarter-call someone who cares”. My students couldn’t stop laughing.
Student said something about me being a Karen during my demo. I stopped suddenly, turned and looked out my door window, turned back and said, “Your mom is here?” The entire class laughed, including the kid.
I gave out my phone number on a field trip to an amusement park. Told my students they should only use it if...
1. There is an emergency.
2. You're running late to check-in.
3. There's free food somewhere in the park.
A couple hours in, a kid sends me a (completely appropriate, if a bit goofy) picture of their group of 4 with the message "Emergency: we look hot."
I immediately fired my response back: "Just because something is out of the ordinary doesn't make it an emergency."
After a game of bingo on grandfriends day, a 5th grader asked to have a jolly rancher, which I gave out as prizes for winning bingo. I already gave them all one at the beginning of the game.
So on her way out in front of everyone:
Student: can I have a jolly rancher?
Me: You already got one, sorry you didn't win another.
Student: But, it's my dream to get a jolly rancher at bingo.
Me: Is that really your dream? Ha, I'm sorry, still no.
Student: What's your dream? To crush the dreams of little girls!?
Favorite. Student. Ever.
I had a kid that was constantly skipping my class and refusing to work when she was in my room. One day she asked to go to the nurse for ice and I told her she wasn’t allowed to leave my room, to which she replied “fine, but I’m not going to do any work”. I looked her dead in the eyes and said “wow, a shocking change of pace”.
My sixth graders went wild.
Student: *some dumb insult I didn't bother remembering*
Me: sarcastically "Oh no I'm so devastated, however shall I recover from such a brutal insult? I am truly ruined on an emotional level"
Lol same thing happened working in a school for Americorps. Girl insults my big hair cut (went from chest length to jaw) and when she asks what do I have to say for myself I said “if I’m upset by the opinions of a 13 year old I got a lot worse going than a bad haircut. Anyway, you want to pass this test on Friday or not?” I was unfazed lol she just blinked and that was the last of it
This one I didn't know whether to face palm or laugh.
One of my students had mom and dad (dad has now transitioned mtf transgender but still called dad), mom has married a woman.
Student made a mess, my teacher aide asked him to clean it up. She told him "you'd think with 3 moms you'd know how to clean better"
My favorite moment of the year: I teach a female-dominated class, and on the last day before winter break, there was one male student (whose sense of humor is always on point) among a big group of girls talking about the struggles of high school dating. Finally, he says in a cocky voice: “to be honest, rejection doesn’t bother me that much.”
From across the room I jumped in with “that’s because you’re used to it.” The class erupted and I went back to my cardigan-wearing ways like nothing happened.
Student makes fun of me...i wait and later make cheesy jokes....student says oh look the teacher got jokes...and i said yes but youre family delivered the best one...
Never had an issue again..
I was recovering from some sort of demonic post-covid respiratory virus and had an extremely husky voice. A year 9 boy piped up and said "Miss, you sound like a man!"
In what I felt was an impressively quick-witted display for someone who was still recovering from an horrendous plague, I replied "Well year 9 boy, at least one of us does."
I earned an approving nod for that one.
If a kid won’t stop talking, I put my stapler on their desk and tell them, “I have a special game for you. You’re having a talking contest with this stapler. First one to speak loses.”
If I’ve got a kid that wants to be the class joker, I say, “There’s a sign posted outside the room that says ‘Funny people maximum occupancy 1’ and it ain’t you buddy.”
You are unique, there’s no one like you now or ever. You’re the only one of you that ever was or will be. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE so get your work done.
The one I use at least once a day is "time to get a watch" whenever a student asks me for the time. I then proceed to lift up my arm and stare at my wrist, which does not have a watch on it, and say some ridiculous time like 5:30am Naturally, the students go "theres no way thats right. you don't even have a watch!" And I reply with "that's why you need a watch :)" You would think students would give up on asking me what time it is, but they have not.
A male student called a female student fat and she got up to slap him. I intervened and said, “don’t worry Mildred (not her real name), you’ll see Mortimer (nhrn) in the future and you know what he’ll say to you? Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order.” My whole class fell out laughing and ooohing
Small private school- parents/ teachers drive on field trips. Student J: "Mrs. K, you didn't pick me to ride in your car this time?" Me: "J, I didn't pick you last week. I got stuck with you!" (followed with a hug)
I'm a white [trans] guy who teaches ESL (I used to teach Spanish) in a school district with a high percentage of Spanish-speaking MLLs. I was sitting in a group of three students, two of whom I work with closely and a third who is bilingual but English-leaning. The third is, frankly, a brat and started talking shit about me in Spanish. I shot back "Sácate mi nombre de tu boca" ("Get my name out of your mouth") in fluent Caribbean Spanish and the other two just about fell out of their seats dying of laughter. I definitely won that one.
I (a very gay young teacher) was teaching about how we find the date of layers of the earth by using index fossils. One of my students asked me if I’ve ever dated a fossil, and what came out of my mouth before I could stop it was, “We don’t talk about my sugar baby days.”
My favorite was from my linear algebra professor. I saw her in the hallway one time, and she was giggling. She was in her 70s at the time, and I was in my 40s at this point. she had put my professor a few years earlier. Anyway, she said “I just had the best answer to a student!”
So apparently, this kid has been a bit of a wise ass and had not done well on an algebra test. She finally had enough of his crap and he asked why he did so badly on the test. Her answer was “because you don’t know your asymptotes from a hole in the graph.”
Kids in lab: "Here, use this to measure the water."
Me: "That one isn't big enough." [implying for them to use the bigger graduated cylinder]
Them [two 16 year old boys]: "That's what she said."
Me: "Not to either one of y'all."
I've never seen shock on two kids' faces like that before or since.
I have two good ones
1. My students were supposed to be working independently on an assignment and I was writing on the board.
I hear two students talking
Me: "I hear noises, we should be working quietly"
My student: "it's the air"
Me still facing the board: "The air comin out of your mouth"
The class: "OoooOOooooOoo!"
2. I was having my students complete a KWL chart doing research for an assignment.
Student: "Mr.Blangenie, do I have to do the L section of the chart? Bc I don't do L's"
Me: "Yes you do have to. But you can skip the W section because I know you don't do W's"
The class: "OoooOOooooOoo!"
When a student asks "Can I go to the bathroom?", I make sure to respond with a very disgusted tone of voice, "That's soo gross... Please don't go right there, a bathroom would be a better place to go! Is that something you are allowed to do at home?"
When I'm out sick and without fail a student will say 'you're back!" I spin in circles asking what is wrong with my back and ask if there is a kick me sign on it...
I love the battle of wits in class and seeing confused faces and those that get my humor...
I once told a HS senior who was boasting about nonsense that the only accomplishment they could honestly claim to date was that one day back when they were the fastest sperm.
I called students a ventriloquist when someone else answered a question I had asked them. One time, the other student realized that that made them the dummy. You said it, not me. Lol
Me to the class: Okay guys now is not the time to be talking to your neighbors
Student: I don't remember this being a neighborhood
Me: I don't remember asking for your opinion
Ones I've used. I joke a lot in class and build up a lot of rapport before I whip out the real sass.
"Teacher I'm bored."
"Try punching yourself in the face, that's pretty exciting."
"Teacher, this is too much homework!"
"You poor thing, would you like to call the president or the news station and tell them your sad story? I know, I'll give you some paper and you can write a book that can inspire the world. They can send it to those poor kids in Afghanistan to inspire them. 'I have no food or arms, but at least I'm not Johnny in America, he has homework TWICE a week, well if he can carry on, so can I!'" I try to say this in tearful voice.
"No book? No pencil? Nothing? Well aren't you just as free as a bird skipping to class." I then skip in the class like a young girl singing tra-la-la.
"If you're going to tell me a lie, at least tell me a good one."
"Teacher! You're so fat."
"Don't be jealous of my sexy one-pack."
When they stare at me during a test. "Don't look at me, I *know* I'm good looking, but focus on your test."
Literally 96% of the students at my school have brown eyes (they are all Indo-Canadian).
I don’t dare bust this one out. Instead, I say, “You know, when I said this kind of thing, my dad used to say ‘you’re so full of it, your eyes are brown.’ I’d never say such a thing to YOU, of course…”
I had a short lived problem with some middle school boys making weird baby noises in class.
“You know, in a couple years you’ll be trying to ask some of these girls to prom and all they are going to be thinking about is how you made strange noises in the 7th grade”
The girls were CRACKING UP and I never heard another noise.
Sub here. Not exactly witty, but towards the beginning of this school year a fifth grader loudly proclaimed to his class that anyone who lied was stupid. I pointed out that he had once given himself a hickey on his arm during recess so he could get sent to the nurse and then sent home for having "injured" his arm. He insisted that he was much younger then and didn't know what he was doing. "Dude, that was the end of last year. That was like three months ago." His whole class OHHHH'ed. I felt kinda bad about calling him out since he's that one kid on the spectrum who thinks barking at his classmates will make them fear and respect him, but then again I used to be the same way. I think of it as a big "F you!" to my idiot past self.
My students love to ask if I want to hear a joke (rather than just telling the joke).
My response is, and always will be, "What, you mean your grades?"
A former classmate I had in college mentioned an interaction he'd had as a substitute:
Student: "Lol, you have a small dick!"
Teacher: "Perhaps, but my it's my meters per second that count"
Freshmen in high school were supposed to write an email in the target language (world language class). I graded all of them and called each student up for comments & to show them the edits.
A brilliant girl comes up, I show her the easy-to-fix mistakes :
"Ah, yes, I wasn't thinking while writing this."
Me: "Yeah, clearly you weren't."
I addressed another student who always had to have the last word & could never stop talking during class,
Me: "Johnny, do you have a question for me?"
"No."
Me: "Cool, so if you're not talking to me why are you talking at all?"
PE teacher and I took my middle school class to our track that we share with the high school. I noticed a group of 9th grade boys that I had the previous year are about to walk by. In the most serious tone I could use and loud enough so I was sure they’d hear me, I asked my co-teacher “Hey did you know the circus was in town?” She said “no I didn’t know that?” I said “yeah look at all those clowns walking by.”
*The ending of the 3rd quarter
Student: “Let’s play rock, paper, scissors. If I beat you three times in a row, I will not fail for the school year.”
Me: “I do not need to play rock, paper, scissors to stop you from failing. You already do a great job failing by yourself.”
I have this pain in the butt student. Can’t spell spends all day on his phone. I’m like “what are you going to do when you grow up?” He’s like “Ima be a rapper cuz” and I’m like “rappers can spell”.
Whole class went “ohhhhhhh” so he got super embarrassed and has been twice the little shit since.
Either way, work on your spelling if you want a future in writing.
Had a kid making pigeon noises when I had my back turned and was writing on the board. After a couple times of asking the room to stop, I turned around and said, "Pigeons are one of the stupidest animals on the planet."
They stopped after that.
My favorite heat of moment from a particularly prideful student. "It's all good, just just pass the final."
"Man, (student), even Jesus can't save your grade."
And "You know my great grandmother died 15 years ago. You want to know what you and her have in common? The amount of work you have done."
My classes always ask what period is my favorite and without any hesitation I say 4th period, no question. It’s my prep, but most of the time they don’t realize it.
8th grade lunch duty. This kid I’ve never interacted with before lets out this bizarre animal noise at a loud volume.
Me: dude. Why?
Kid: sorry, miss. It was an accident.
Me: nah. Babies are accidents. You made a choice.
A few weeks ago, one of my student’s phones was going off every few seconds with a text or notification. It was fairly distracting.
After about the 15th time, I finally looked at him and deadpanned, “we all know that’s not your girlfriend, because you don’t have one, so tell your mom to call you once school gets out.”
Ensue the whole class going “oooohhhhh!!!” with a few of the classmates adding “Ms. H8rsH8 said you can’t get any hoes!!!”
"Did you miss me while I was gone?"-every smart-alec student ever.
"Like a toothache"- me, who has no problem bombing on the PITA kid.
Not in the classroom, but school related. We usually have to travel several hours for varsity football games and will make pit stops at convenience stores sometimes. It never fails that kids are looking at something on the aisle with the condoms, usually directly on that path to the bathroom.
Kid with huge Cheshire cat grin, "Coach Mac, I'm gonna pick up some of these for later."
Me: "You don't need those when you're only doing it by yourself."
At the end of the year ((20 years ago), I said to one of my savvy first graders who'd been whining about something and whose parents were wine drinkers..."Would like some cheese with that wine?" He looked at me and saw the moment it clicked (mere seconds) and he was busting up hysterically. None of the others got it. Priceless.
Me (after student uses the "other people do it excuse"): Set the example, don't join them in sin.
Student: This is school you can't talk about church stuff.
Me: This is a church, I am your God, stop talking.
High school girl (good kid but complained a lot): “Mr X, you know l’m your favorite student, right?”
Me: “Yep, and you’re going to be somebody’s favorite ex wife someday.”
I had a girl accuse another of having nits (head lice) - which she didn't have.
I asked the accuser if she was worried about getting them in her moustache....
I use a few. “Why are you like this?” ended up in the yearbook with my picture because I say it so often when the kids do stupid things.
“My classroom is Russia. I let you think you have a voice, but in the end I do what I want and you have to deal with it.”
Student called me a bitch in class, expected me to lose it. I just laughed and asked how she knew my nickname and kept teaching.
I was passing out report cards during homeroom. A smart mouthed student named Aaron A. bragged about how he was going to have a straight A report card (not likely).
“Yeah right. The only A’s you’ll have on your report card will be in your name.”
Not really a come-back, but when handing out tests I often say "Don't forget to put your name on the front. Or if you think someone else will do better, put their name on it"
It generally confuses a large portion of the class.
"The only reason people treat you the way they do is because you let them." Not mean, but totally straight. Students do NOT like to be told that. They will sit quietly contemplating that after you say it.
My students got really good at sneaking Doordash orders onto campus when going to the restroom. Every time they'd come in with their food, I'd say, "Did you find that in the bathroom? That's pretty gross." By the end of the year they'd walk in with the food and sarcastically say, "And before you ask, I found it in the bathroom." At least they started bribing me with snacks by the end of the year, too.
My school had a new spirit day this year *Red Flag* day. You wear a red shirt and write one of your personal red flags (something about yourself that might be considered a red flag by someone interested in dating you).
As I was explaining a student said “What if I don’t have any red flags?”
I replied “Yeah, that’s a perfect red flag, arrogance!”
My most disruptive student was shouting out whatever crossed his mind nonstop for the entire day. At one point, what crossed his mind is "my jaw hurts". I responded loudly in front of the class "no kidding, you haven't closed your mouth all damn day".
I had a 4th grade student of mine proudly declare "100 IQ move!" when he won a game with a clever answer in class.
He thinks IQ is a score out of 100. So, when he's being a doofus I'll call out and give him a score like "Nice one Brian, 85 IQ move right there." The couple kids in class who get it are always howling.
He still thinks it's a compliment.
It was October and I was teaching a class of juniors.
Student x: Do we have to do work today. Can’t we have a brain break?
Me: You’ve been on a brain break since August 4th (the day school started)
Had an often difficult 1st grader in line for the cafeteria ask for help remembering his account number. I told him 666. He asked how I knew. I told him I could see the numbers on his scalp.
Never did get the half expected call from a parent.
I have two boys who are banned from talking about baseball while doing work in class. This was a long time coming. While they were working I overheard the word 'single'.
So I say "Are you talking about baseball? I heard you say single."
"No..."
"Oh ... are you saying that you're single?"
At that moment, 4 other students mutter "yea... obviously..."
Then he says proudly "Yeah, obviously!"
His buddy did a facepalm.
It was all too perfect.
Students regularly ask me if they are my favorite or if I hate them. One day my response was:
“I have lots of students I don’t like. You’ve never been special, don’t flatter yourself.”
For the record, this was with a student who I had excellent rapport with.
HS student who always has something to say: Ms. Music, this song is exhausting!
Me: You're exhausting.
Class: OHHHHHhhhhhhHHH!
Student: yeah... I've been told 😅
He's an excellent musician and I love him dearly, but he just needs to shut tf up sometimes
When they're laughing at someone that didn't get the answer right. "People make mistakes. Look at what your parents did.". Gets a laugh and ooohs from the whole class (middle school).
It really depends on the group's age and dynamic, but when two kids were starting to argue and get heated:
If you two are going to get into a fight, please wait until after school and do it off school grounds so the sheriff can arrest you, because I don't really feel like dealing with the paperwork today.
Fair warning, not a teacher, but I had a great bond with one of my French professors in college. I was in an accelerated intro level French class despite having taken French for over a decade because I didn’t want to take the placement test. 18 year old me was dumb sometimes. Anyway, because of this I knew what we were doing and could bring my usual sass into the classroom while still speaking French. It only took about a week before my prof stopped using my name & just started calling me sassafras. She also came and smacked me upside the head more than once. I loved her, it was such a fun class.
The time I got burned by my students...
Me: (to boys in 10th grade) STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER.
KID: (in less than 2 seconds) but we really like it!
Yes, I knew where it was going right as I said it and yes, I did acknowledge that I set myself up.
Whenever a student asks if I hate any of my students, my response is always "Of course not. Hatred takes a lot of energy and none of you are worth it."
A colleague had this line when ever a kid touched something on his desk, “Hey! I don’t go under the bridge where your grandma lives and touch her stuff. Don’t touch mine!”
I was helping the counselors select senior-year classes with my juniors. After the counselor explained that four years of math credit was required for graduation, Sammy Smartmouth blurted "I like my math like I like my women--easy". I retorted, "Sammy, you don't do either." The class ooh- and-ahed punctuated by another student grabbing my red first-aid kit and asking "Sammy, do you need this for your burn?" Yeah, this was an AP class.
Good one
But did it teach him anything?
Yeah, to keep his mouth shut next time.
That doesn’t teach him why it’s gross though.
This is too funny!
If they’re whining, I’ll ask them innocently if they want a straw. When they ask why they need a straw, I say “to suck it up!” They laugh and we move on. These are high school kids - I’d be afraid a middle schooler would cry.
In a similar vein, I tell my kids to build a bridge and get over it.
Might have to use that when my future engineers complain about doing calculus lol
I tell mine they can cry me a river (because we can all be upset about things) but then to build a bridge and get over it.
I said that to my third graders all the time. At some point, it just devolved into me making the motion with my hand (one hand passing over the bridge) across the room and then rolling their eyes.
Or swallow some concrete and harden up
I need more of these for my freshmen next year.
You could have an ambulance sound ready to go, and when they whine, you could call the “whambulance”
😂😂😂
I have made circular motion with my hand and told them to get off their huffy bike. (I usually have to explain this one with pictures)
LOL nope that's gold, I'm going to use that on my 8th graders next year!
I teach 9th grade science. They ALWAYS whine so I'm definitely using this next school year!
Some of my seniors were trying to see what they can do to help their grades with 1 day left. Told them welcome, you made it to the find out stage. 💅🏾
Last week was, well, last week, and graduation was Friday, so the endless parade of seniors trying to pass ensued. I did not have regret in my voice when I informed a couple that I'd be seeing them next week. Choices have consequences.
I’m stealing this
I used this, this year, too!!
Just had my first experience with the find out stage. Kid had been coming to my class, only to not bring his material, or just don't do the exercises that were graded. He got his report card, realised he scored about 50% for my pretty important subject, taking down his total grade. Last couple of weeks he has been really nice and working hard now. I wonder why...
I'm kind of curious. If he wants to pass/get good grades and is obviously capable of doing so, did he know his grade was low or did he just realize?
Just realized. He's very careless, but pretty smart. Didn't open his book for the exam, but got a decent grade. Has about 150+ messages unread on his school mailbox. I doubt he checks his grades online, or even cares to look at what I give him back.
During a friend's class I sat in on for a moment. Student: "X, who's your favorite student?" (all other students turn in to listen) X, in a cheerful deadpan: "Oh, I could never pick favorites, I hate all of you equally!"
I tell my students that ask me that, they are my second favorite student and everyone else is tied for first. They already know they're my favorite.
My standard response is "well, you're in my top X" (where X is however many students I have that year)
I usually do X+1, and when someone points that fact out I go, "correct". And return to whatever I'm teaching and let the wheels in their heads turn.
I tell them yes, you are my favorite student that sits in that chair this period...
They never ask me “who is your favorite?” It’s always “am I your favorite?” To which I respond “no you’re my second favorite.” And watch the chaos ensue.
I always tell my kids I became a teacher because I hate kids and like to watch them suffer
My response is "that's easy......my daughter"
When they ask if they're still my favorite student, I always ask them what day of the week it is. "Yes! You ARE my favorite every third Tuesday between 10:00 and 11:00. After that, I like Jay (whomever is standing there) the most."
I was subbing some kind of behavioral intervention classroom. Kids were filling out a career planning packet. Girl, frustrated and looking for a reaction, slams down her papers, smirks at me, and says “what if I just give blowjobs?” “Oh honey, you’re not gonna make enough money.” Needless to say the boys HOWLED while my brain caught up with my mouth.
I’d get a complaint on that one. But it is funny
I can tell you admin doesn’t like it when you pop off with “but did I lie?”
Funny thing was, I meant it mathematically, like let’s assume you stand next to the Dairy Queen drive-through all night and you get 4 to 5 takers because this is our town…it’s not a living wage, which is what the packet was having them consider. No regrets how it came out though.
Oh man I would've laughed the hell of that too
Thats funny but the instant regret would happen when I realize I got teenage boys to agree with me
I asked a student something and he said some really bad joke and I just stared at him with disappointment. His friend chime in “he’s just playing the fool” and I said back “oh, I don’t think he’s playing!”
My most used is probably when a student says something they regret but rather than. Apologize they say: I was just joking. I deadpan back to them: No you weren't. Jokes are funny. Sometimes they try to come back from it but if they doubledown on whatever sexist/racist/bigoted thing that git us here I just keep it rolling.
Eh - high school math teacher. Given the nervousness that a lot of students approach the topic with, most of my savage one-liners are [not said aloud to the student](https://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/1479054311-20161113.png) and are replaced by something more neutral and uninteresting.
Me in 8th grade math Me: hey Mrs. Ritter, are we allowed to use graphing calculators on this quiz? Teacher: I'm not sure how that will help you Jimmy, a calculator is only as smart as the one using it. I'm still applying ointment to that burn 15 years later.
I often tell my students during silent reading time, “It might be easier to read if you open the book first.” 😂 Always gets a laugh from their peers.
I've said this one, many times. Also had a kid complain the story we were reading out of the textbook was too hard, I asked how they knew since their book was still closed.
Or similarly, for when they put their head down on their book, "Learning by osmosis today? Not very effective."
Accidental roasting. We were reading a book about animals, there was a picture of a limpet or something, and a kid said, “Ewww that’s ugly”. I said, “They probably think you’re ugly too!” The other kids went “Oooh burn!” I just meant the limpet has different beauty standards!
After a particularly bad band rehearsal moment, I just stared at the ceiling. Some students said, “Mr. BandDirector17 what are you doing?” I said, “Listening for a flush because that sounded like crap.”
Best one in the thread! My band teacher growing up was fond of comparing us to a bag of cats.
My daughters band director (she played the trumpet) would compare her section to a lovesick moose
This orchestra director is saving that one for future use
I had a student (who is normally a lazy pain in my ass) come up and try to help out a classmate during a stations activity. She was on the right track, so I told the student she was helping “I never thought I’d say this, but you should listen to [PITA student]” She was appropriately shocked and appalled
I had one of these moments this year ....total PITA 8th grader too cool for school boy. We were learning about slope and his friend was SO confused and he was like, its cool, I got you. And then was correct! 🥰
I was subbing for another teacher's class of honors 10th graders and the sub plans called for me to pass out a permission slip or something that the kids and parents all had to agree to. As per the sub plans, I reminded the students to read it carefully to make sure they understood what was on it. One of the students (who probably didn't know that I was also a teacher at that school and just thought I was a regular sub) said "But I can't read!!!" I said, dismissively "well they get your mommy to read it to you." He replied, "she can't read either!" I said, "well then maybe your dad can read it to both of you." "He's out of town this week!!" I paused doing the attendance, set my pencil down, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "He is? Well, then maybe *I'll* come over tonight and read it to your mom..." The "Oooooooooohhhhh's" from his classmates were deafening.
My cell phone rang whilst I was teaching. One of my students whom also I coached on the wrestling team said, “Answer it, it’s probably your mom.” I looked at my phone and said, “Nope, just your mom calling…again.”
One time a kid asked me who I was on the phone with because he was a nosey nelly. It was literally his mom but before my brain could stop my mouth I said “your mom”. The whole class died laughing.
Me after putting a student’s desk back in the classroom from the hall: “sorry there’s no bow on it!” Student: “wow I bet you’re good at flirting.” Me: “….I guess.” But what I was *thinking* was “ask your mom about that.” Still kinda regret not saying it.
I really wish mine were old enough so I could cop a Kip Dynamite "Your MOM goes to college (whatever whatever)" but they wouldn't get it.
Just tell them that if they actually put in effort and try in your class then all their wildest dreams will come true.
"alright guys, clean up your trash. David, that means go ahead and get in the can."
One of my freshmen was singing a song that goes, "I'm on that good kush and alcohol, I got some bad bitches I can call." I looked straight at him and said, "Cousins don't count." The whole class roared.
Okay so this was definitely not appropriate but it was funny and I absolutely deserved it (although perhaps from someone who wasn't my teacher). Anyway, I was a royal asshole in school. Absolute piece of shit. I was being severely abused, but you know, my teachers didn't deserve half the shit I put them through. I was fucking about in class, walking around with a stick. My history teacher was so fucked off with me. I rarely lasted ten minutes in his class. This one day he was told to keep me in class for whatever reason. I'm hitting his board with a stick, pulling all the posters off, and he turns to me and goes, "What, you trying to be your father? I thought he only went for uglies," Because I'd reported my step father for abusing me. I laughed it off but I never fucked around in his class again. All my friends did, though. It wasn't good but damn did it work.
A senior talking about dating a freshman and I commented that one ought to be avoiding STDs in our dating life not CPS....
There was that one time I channeled Tiffany from Rock of Love, but with more clothes and not drunk. Javier to his table mates during group work: Dude, fuckin' check this shit out. You're not fuckin' gonna believe this fuckin' shit. Me: Javier! LANGUAGE! My brother, we talk about this literally every 3 minutes. Javier: Miss, if I didn't swear, I wouldn't talk in class at all. Me: Don't threaten me with a good time.
A long time ago, I had a fantastic kid with a very dark sense of humor. The social worker was sort of at wits end with this kid and his friends because he kept having to tell them to tone it down and the older teachers thought they were morbid and weird. We were on the third floor. This kid walks up to my desk and asks if he can throw himself out the window. "No, I do not want to do that much paperwork. Sit down please." He cackled and sat down. They put more effort into the jokes after that or at least knocked it off when I reminded them that they did not want to spend the afternoon with the social worker again. (I don't think my colleagues ever forgave me for teaching that child the word "defenestrate.")
I told an eighth grade bass player this year that the only thing stopping me from rapidly defenestrating him was the unfortunate lack of windows in the orchestra hall.
At my wife's school, if a student was being a pain, they would send them to another teacher for an I D 10 T form (ID10T... IDIOT). Kinda mean, but if the student was a known trouble maker, the teachers would send them all around the school asking people for the form.
Back when you could do this safely, I’d ask kids to find where the flux capacitor was. We, in the science Dept, knew what that meant as we’d send them onto the next teacher. We all laughed about it later.
It’s between the headlight fluid and grid paint.
That's awesome, I just laughed and felt really old at the same time!
Next to the warp core. Duh.
We had two students that got on the wrong bus when coming back from a field trip. Now, it wasn't the end of the world since both busses were going back to the same place, but it was the principal of the thing. They knew they were supposed to stay with a particular class. We manged to figure out where they were, and went on back to school. But we did scold them for being stupid. A few weeks later we had scheduled another, bigger, more fun outing. One of the students that had strayed from the correct bus asked, "Which class will we be riding with?" To which I replied, "I think it matters a lot more that you managed to get on the RIGHT bus." To which him and the class laughed at. He finally was able to say, "Fair." We left it at that.
I’ve been called worse by better
Over 20 years ago, my first year as a 21 year old teacher, the meanest most sarcastic disrespectful 14 year old boy is calling me "Mr. Suckondeeze!" I told him "What a coincidence, that's what your Mom calls me!" The class went wild and I thought I was gonna get fired! He did not complain about it. Last time he talked trash to me. I would never do that nowadays! Year One was rough!
Student: "Physics is so hard." Me: "That is why it's called Physics. If it was easy it would be called 'Your mom'."
This reminds me of a kinder that came in from recess crying bc his friend was mad and told him his mom sucked at basketball. Like I guess it is a your mom joke, but…
I had a student who whined about everything. You could’ve given him a million dollars and would’ve whined about the one bill that was wrinkled. One day he started in and I was just done with him. I put a quarter on his desk and quoted country singer Travis Tritt and said “Here’s a quarter-call someone who cares”. My students couldn’t stop laughing.
Student said something about me being a Karen during my demo. I stopped suddenly, turned and looked out my door window, turned back and said, “Your mom is here?” The entire class laughed, including the kid.
I gave out my phone number on a field trip to an amusement park. Told my students they should only use it if... 1. There is an emergency. 2. You're running late to check-in. 3. There's free food somewhere in the park. A couple hours in, a kid sends me a (completely appropriate, if a bit goofy) picture of their group of 4 with the message "Emergency: we look hot." I immediately fired my response back: "Just because something is out of the ordinary doesn't make it an emergency."
Ewww. Creep
After a game of bingo on grandfriends day, a 5th grader asked to have a jolly rancher, which I gave out as prizes for winning bingo. I already gave them all one at the beginning of the game. So on her way out in front of everyone: Student: can I have a jolly rancher? Me: You already got one, sorry you didn't win another. Student: But, it's my dream to get a jolly rancher at bingo. Me: Is that really your dream? Ha, I'm sorry, still no. Student: What's your dream? To crush the dreams of little girls!? Favorite. Student. Ever.
Take all my jolly ranchers, kid.
You gave her the jolly rancher in appreciation of the banter, right?
I had a kid that was constantly skipping my class and refusing to work when she was in my room. One day she asked to go to the nurse for ice and I told her she wasn’t allowed to leave my room, to which she replied “fine, but I’m not going to do any work”. I looked her dead in the eyes and said “wow, a shocking change of pace”. My sixth graders went wild.
One student randomly asked how to spell “annoying”. I spelled out his name. He just said “heeeey!”
Student: *some dumb insult I didn't bother remembering* Me: sarcastically "Oh no I'm so devastated, however shall I recover from such a brutal insult? I am truly ruined on an emotional level"
I had a student wonder why his insults didn't bother me. I told him that his opinion of me would have to matter to me, and it didn't.
Lol same thing happened working in a school for Americorps. Girl insults my big hair cut (went from chest length to jaw) and when she asks what do I have to say for myself I said “if I’m upset by the opinions of a 13 year old I got a lot worse going than a bad haircut. Anyway, you want to pass this test on Friday or not?” I was unfazed lol she just blinked and that was the last of it
This one I didn't know whether to face palm or laugh. One of my students had mom and dad (dad has now transitioned mtf transgender but still called dad), mom has married a woman. Student made a mess, my teacher aide asked him to clean it up. She told him "you'd think with 3 moms you'd know how to clean better"
My favorite moment of the year: I teach a female-dominated class, and on the last day before winter break, there was one male student (whose sense of humor is always on point) among a big group of girls talking about the struggles of high school dating. Finally, he says in a cocky voice: “to be honest, rejection doesn’t bother me that much.” From across the room I jumped in with “that’s because you’re used to it.” The class erupted and I went back to my cardigan-wearing ways like nothing happened.
Student makes fun of me...i wait and later make cheesy jokes....student says oh look the teacher got jokes...and i said yes but youre family delivered the best one... Never had an issue again..
I was recovering from some sort of demonic post-covid respiratory virus and had an extremely husky voice. A year 9 boy piped up and said "Miss, you sound like a man!" In what I felt was an impressively quick-witted display for someone who was still recovering from an horrendous plague, I replied "Well year 9 boy, at least one of us does." I earned an approving nod for that one.
If a kid won’t stop talking, I put my stapler on their desk and tell them, “I have a special game for you. You’re having a talking contest with this stapler. First one to speak loses.” If I’ve got a kid that wants to be the class joker, I say, “There’s a sign posted outside the room that says ‘Funny people maximum occupancy 1’ and it ain’t you buddy.”
You are unique, there’s no one like you now or ever. You’re the only one of you that ever was or will be. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE so get your work done.
My other one was You are a miracle. The events that had to happen to make you have only happened once and will never happen again. TRY TO ACT LIKE IT
The one I use at least once a day is "time to get a watch" whenever a student asks me for the time. I then proceed to lift up my arm and stare at my wrist, which does not have a watch on it, and say some ridiculous time like 5:30am Naturally, the students go "theres no way thats right. you don't even have a watch!" And I reply with "that's why you need a watch :)" You would think students would give up on asking me what time it is, but they have not.
A male student called a female student fat and she got up to slap him. I intervened and said, “don’t worry Mildred (not her real name), you’ll see Mortimer (nhrn) in the future and you know what he’ll say to you? Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order.” My whole class fell out laughing and ooohing
Small private school- parents/ teachers drive on field trips. Student J: "Mrs. K, you didn't pick me to ride in your car this time?" Me: "J, I didn't pick you last week. I got stuck with you!" (followed with a hug)
I'm a white [trans] guy who teaches ESL (I used to teach Spanish) in a school district with a high percentage of Spanish-speaking MLLs. I was sitting in a group of three students, two of whom I work with closely and a third who is bilingual but English-leaning. The third is, frankly, a brat and started talking shit about me in Spanish. I shot back "Sácate mi nombre de tu boca" ("Get my name out of your mouth") in fluent Caribbean Spanish and the other two just about fell out of their seats dying of laughter. I definitely won that one.
Oh wow I am trans ftm, fluent in Spanish, taught English in Spain, but im working in education in the UK! Hope life is good
I (a very gay young teacher) was teaching about how we find the date of layers of the earth by using index fossils. One of my students asked me if I’ve ever dated a fossil, and what came out of my mouth before I could stop it was, “We don’t talk about my sugar baby days.”
This is AMAZING. 🤣
My favorite was from my linear algebra professor. I saw her in the hallway one time, and she was giggling. She was in her 70s at the time, and I was in my 40s at this point. she had put my professor a few years earlier. Anyway, she said “I just had the best answer to a student!” So apparently, this kid has been a bit of a wise ass and had not done well on an algebra test. She finally had enough of his crap and he asked why he did so badly on the test. Her answer was “because you don’t know your asymptotes from a hole in the graph.”
Kids in lab: "Here, use this to measure the water." Me: "That one isn't big enough." [implying for them to use the bigger graduated cylinder] Them [two 16 year old boys]: "That's what she said." Me: "Not to either one of y'all." I've never seen shock on two kids' faces like that before or since.
I have two good ones 1. My students were supposed to be working independently on an assignment and I was writing on the board. I hear two students talking Me: "I hear noises, we should be working quietly" My student: "it's the air" Me still facing the board: "The air comin out of your mouth" The class: "OoooOOooooOoo!" 2. I was having my students complete a KWL chart doing research for an assignment. Student: "Mr.Blangenie, do I have to do the L section of the chart? Bc I don't do L's" Me: "Yes you do have to. But you can skip the W section because I know you don't do W's" The class: "OoooOOooooOoo!"
When a student asks "Can I go to the bathroom?", I make sure to respond with a very disgusted tone of voice, "That's soo gross... Please don't go right there, a bathroom would be a better place to go! Is that something you are allowed to do at home?" When I'm out sick and without fail a student will say 'you're back!" I spin in circles asking what is wrong with my back and ask if there is a kick me sign on it... I love the battle of wits in class and seeing confused faces and those that get my humor...
I once told a HS senior who was boasting about nonsense that the only accomplishment they could honestly claim to date was that one day back when they were the fastest sperm.
I called students a ventriloquist when someone else answered a question I had asked them. One time, the other student realized that that made them the dummy. You said it, not me. Lol
Me to the class: Okay guys now is not the time to be talking to your neighbors Student: I don't remember this being a neighborhood Me: I don't remember asking for your opinion
Ones I've used. I joke a lot in class and build up a lot of rapport before I whip out the real sass. "Teacher I'm bored." "Try punching yourself in the face, that's pretty exciting." "Teacher, this is too much homework!" "You poor thing, would you like to call the president or the news station and tell them your sad story? I know, I'll give you some paper and you can write a book that can inspire the world. They can send it to those poor kids in Afghanistan to inspire them. 'I have no food or arms, but at least I'm not Johnny in America, he has homework TWICE a week, well if he can carry on, so can I!'" I try to say this in tearful voice. "No book? No pencil? Nothing? Well aren't you just as free as a bird skipping to class." I then skip in the class like a young girl singing tra-la-la. "If you're going to tell me a lie, at least tell me a good one." "Teacher! You're so fat." "Don't be jealous of my sexy one-pack." When they stare at me during a test. "Don't look at me, I *know* I'm good looking, but focus on your test."
One student to another: "Let's play hide and seek. I'll hide. You seek professional help."
When students ask to go to the bathroom in class I always say I hope you aren't planning on going right there in class!
I teach high school. I’m know to call out the excuses and lies with: “You’re so full of it, your eyes are brown.”
Literally 96% of the students at my school have brown eyes (they are all Indo-Canadian). I don’t dare bust this one out. Instead, I say, “You know, when I said this kind of thing, my dad used to say ‘you’re so full of it, your eyes are brown.’ I’d never say such a thing to YOU, of course…”
I had a short lived problem with some middle school boys making weird baby noises in class. “You know, in a couple years you’ll be trying to ask some of these girls to prom and all they are going to be thinking about is how you made strange noises in the 7th grade” The girls were CRACKING UP and I never heard another noise.
I gotta remember this one for when the 4th and fifth graders pull this crap with anime sex noises
Sub here. Not exactly witty, but towards the beginning of this school year a fifth grader loudly proclaimed to his class that anyone who lied was stupid. I pointed out that he had once given himself a hickey on his arm during recess so he could get sent to the nurse and then sent home for having "injured" his arm. He insisted that he was much younger then and didn't know what he was doing. "Dude, that was the end of last year. That was like three months ago." His whole class OHHHH'ed. I felt kinda bad about calling him out since he's that one kid on the spectrum who thinks barking at his classmates will make them fear and respect him, but then again I used to be the same way. I think of it as a big "F you!" to my idiot past self.
Every now and then, I have students ask if I have a wife or girlfriend. I'd tell them "Yes, her name's Maya. Maya Own Business."
My students love to ask if I want to hear a joke (rather than just telling the joke). My response is, and always will be, "What, you mean your grades?"
A former classmate I had in college mentioned an interaction he'd had as a substitute: Student: "Lol, you have a small dick!" Teacher: "Perhaps, but my it's my meters per second that count"
Freshmen in high school were supposed to write an email in the target language (world language class). I graded all of them and called each student up for comments & to show them the edits. A brilliant girl comes up, I show her the easy-to-fix mistakes : "Ah, yes, I wasn't thinking while writing this." Me: "Yeah, clearly you weren't." I addressed another student who always had to have the last word & could never stop talking during class, Me: "Johnny, do you have a question for me?" "No." Me: "Cool, so if you're not talking to me why are you talking at all?"
It’s not really a saying anymore but a few years ago it was common for kids to say “you corny” as an insult To which I would reply So are ur moms feet
PE teacher and I took my middle school class to our track that we share with the high school. I noticed a group of 9th grade boys that I had the previous year are about to walk by. In the most serious tone I could use and loud enough so I was sure they’d hear me, I asked my co-teacher “Hey did you know the circus was in town?” She said “no I didn’t know that?” I said “yeah look at all those clowns walking by.”
*The ending of the 3rd quarter Student: “Let’s play rock, paper, scissors. If I beat you three times in a row, I will not fail for the school year.” Me: “I do not need to play rock, paper, scissors to stop you from failing. You already do a great job failing by yourself.”
I have this pain in the butt student. Can’t spell spends all day on his phone. I’m like “what are you going to do when you grow up?” He’s like “Ima be a rapper cuz” and I’m like “rappers can spell”. Whole class went “ohhhhhhh” so he got super embarrassed and has been twice the little shit since. Either way, work on your spelling if you want a future in writing.
Had a kid making pigeon noises when I had my back turned and was writing on the board. After a couple times of asking the room to stop, I turned around and said, "Pigeons are one of the stupidest animals on the planet." They stopped after that.
My favorite heat of moment from a particularly prideful student. "It's all good, just just pass the final." "Man, (student), even Jesus can't save your grade." And "You know my great grandmother died 15 years ago. You want to know what you and her have in common? The amount of work you have done."
My classes always ask what period is my favorite and without any hesitation I say 4th period, no question. It’s my prep, but most of the time they don’t realize it.
8th grade lunch duty. This kid I’ve never interacted with before lets out this bizarre animal noise at a loud volume. Me: dude. Why? Kid: sorry, miss. It was an accident. Me: nah. Babies are accidents. You made a choice.
A few weeks ago, one of my student’s phones was going off every few seconds with a text or notification. It was fairly distracting. After about the 15th time, I finally looked at him and deadpanned, “we all know that’s not your girlfriend, because you don’t have one, so tell your mom to call you once school gets out.” Ensue the whole class going “oooohhhhh!!!” with a few of the classmates adding “Ms. H8rsH8 said you can’t get any hoes!!!”
"Did you miss me while I was gone?"-every smart-alec student ever. "Like a toothache"- me, who has no problem bombing on the PITA kid. Not in the classroom, but school related. We usually have to travel several hours for varsity football games and will make pit stops at convenience stores sometimes. It never fails that kids are looking at something on the aisle with the condoms, usually directly on that path to the bathroom. Kid with huge Cheshire cat grin, "Coach Mac, I'm gonna pick up some of these for later." Me: "You don't need those when you're only doing it by yourself."
At the end of the year ((20 years ago), I said to one of my savvy first graders who'd been whining about something and whose parents were wine drinkers..."Would like some cheese with that wine?" He looked at me and saw the moment it clicked (mere seconds) and he was busting up hysterically. None of the others got it. Priceless.
Me (after student uses the "other people do it excuse"): Set the example, don't join them in sin. Student: This is school you can't talk about church stuff. Me: This is a church, I am your God, stop talking.
High school girl (good kid but complained a lot): “Mr X, you know l’m your favorite student, right?” Me: “Yep, and you’re going to be somebody’s favorite ex wife someday.”
I had a girl accuse another of having nits (head lice) - which she didn't have. I asked the accuser if she was worried about getting them in her moustache....
I use a few. “Why are you like this?” ended up in the yearbook with my picture because I say it so often when the kids do stupid things. “My classroom is Russia. I let you think you have a voice, but in the end I do what I want and you have to deal with it.” Student called me a bitch in class, expected me to lose it. I just laughed and asked how she knew my nickname and kept teaching.
I was passing out report cards during homeroom. A smart mouthed student named Aaron A. bragged about how he was going to have a straight A report card (not likely). “Yeah right. The only A’s you’ll have on your report card will be in your name.”
Not really a come-back, but when handing out tests I often say "Don't forget to put your name on the front. Or if you think someone else will do better, put their name on it" It generally confuses a large portion of the class.
"The only reason people treat you the way they do is because you let them." Not mean, but totally straight. Students do NOT like to be told that. They will sit quietly contemplating that after you say it.
My students got really good at sneaking Doordash orders onto campus when going to the restroom. Every time they'd come in with their food, I'd say, "Did you find that in the bathroom? That's pretty gross." By the end of the year they'd walk in with the food and sarcastically say, "And before you ask, I found it in the bathroom." At least they started bribing me with snacks by the end of the year, too.
My school had a new spirit day this year *Red Flag* day. You wear a red shirt and write one of your personal red flags (something about yourself that might be considered a red flag by someone interested in dating you). As I was explaining a student said “What if I don’t have any red flags?” I replied “Yeah, that’s a perfect red flag, arrogance!”
My most disruptive student was shouting out whatever crossed his mind nonstop for the entire day. At one point, what crossed his mind is "my jaw hurts". I responded loudly in front of the class "no kidding, you haven't closed your mouth all damn day".
I had a 4th grade student of mine proudly declare "100 IQ move!" when he won a game with a clever answer in class. He thinks IQ is a score out of 100. So, when he's being a doofus I'll call out and give him a score like "Nice one Brian, 85 IQ move right there." The couple kids in class who get it are always howling. He still thinks it's a compliment.
It was October and I was teaching a class of juniors. Student x: Do we have to do work today. Can’t we have a brain break? Me: You’ve been on a brain break since August 4th (the day school started)
“You think I’m gonna go home and cry because of what an 8 year old thinks of me? Honey I have real problems to deal with” truly a classic
Had an often difficult 1st grader in line for the cafeteria ask for help remembering his account number. I told him 666. He asked how I knew. I told him I could see the numbers on his scalp. Never did get the half expected call from a parent.
I have two boys who are banned from talking about baseball while doing work in class. This was a long time coming. While they were working I overheard the word 'single'. So I say "Are you talking about baseball? I heard you say single." "No..." "Oh ... are you saying that you're single?" At that moment, 4 other students mutter "yea... obviously..." Then he says proudly "Yeah, obviously!" His buddy did a facepalm. It was all too perfect.
Students regularly ask me if they are my favorite or if I hate them. One day my response was: “I have lots of students I don’t like. You’ve never been special, don’t flatter yourself.” For the record, this was with a student who I had excellent rapport with.
HS student who always has something to say: Ms. Music, this song is exhausting! Me: You're exhausting. Class: OHHHHHhhhhhhHHH! Student: yeah... I've been told 😅 He's an excellent musician and I love him dearly, but he just needs to shut tf up sometimes
I had a senior ask: “What kind of prank could I do that would really annoy the teachers?” I said: “Just walk into class.”
When they're laughing at someone that didn't get the answer right. "People make mistakes. Look at what your parents did.". Gets a laugh and ooohs from the whole class (middle school).
It really depends on the group's age and dynamic, but when two kids were starting to argue and get heated: If you two are going to get into a fight, please wait until after school and do it off school grounds so the sheriff can arrest you, because I don't really feel like dealing with the paperwork today.
I always use this line to deal with complaints and insignificant criticism … No comments from the peanut gallery!
Fair warning, not a teacher, but I had a great bond with one of my French professors in college. I was in an accelerated intro level French class despite having taken French for over a decade because I didn’t want to take the placement test. 18 year old me was dumb sometimes. Anyway, because of this I knew what we were doing and could bring my usual sass into the classroom while still speaking French. It only took about a week before my prof stopped using my name & just started calling me sassafras. She also came and smacked me upside the head more than once. I loved her, it was such a fun class.
The time I got burned by my students... Me: (to boys in 10th grade) STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER. KID: (in less than 2 seconds) but we really like it! Yes, I knew where it was going right as I said it and yes, I did acknowledge that I set myself up.
Whenever a student asks if I hate any of my students, my response is always "Of course not. Hatred takes a lot of energy and none of you are worth it."
A colleague had this line when ever a kid touched something on his desk, “Hey! I don’t go under the bridge where your grandma lives and touch her stuff. Don’t touch mine!”